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This episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon is sponsored by BetterHelp. What are your self-care non-negotiables? Maybe you never skip leg day or maybe therapy day.
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Compliments to all you Quetzalcoatluses! Soar on into the stinky dragon and guzzle up our latest gulp, Cafe Boringor. It's a mixture of wrought chocolate, tucked talon roast coffee, regular or decapitated, ripped cream, topped with grated gore-inch peel. One mouthful from this mug is enough to satiate anyone's sweet tooth. Er, beak.
Previously, our adventurers found themselves in a jail for a crime they can't recall. While carrying on with other convicts, they were led away by a pair of coughs for an impromptu interrogation. Just when it seemed they were about to crash and burn, the building started to instead. Thanks to an explosive diversion and a gray suited stranger, the party was able to escape from their cuffs and coughs, and now were on the lam with someone called the Alchemist.
latch onto a libation let's leap back into this law-breaking lore i like how there's a fine line between doing a scary voice and sounding like you're on the verge of tears hello everyone welcome to another episode of tales from the stinky dragon i am your dungeon master uh gus and i'm joined by a couple of players here who do we got
John's pointing at me, so I'm assuming I go first. Hi, I'm Blaine. Hi, Blaine. And you play the thing we said right before we started recording? I was taking notes. We haven't recorded in like a month. I played, I played, I told you I remember his voice. I played Chip Haney. Oi!
I need that trigger sentence that gets me. Just picture Flanders in your head. What's your trigger sentence? Don't you know. Don't you know. Going to Culver's. No, no. Do Bobby's World, Mom. Oh, Bobby. Oh, Bobby. I don't think you've seen it. I'm in it. Chip Haney, who is a? It's in front of you. Where's your character, Chiefling? He's a tiefling rogue. Okay. So to summarize. Blaine Gibson.
Chip Haney. Steve Lingero.
I wish we could have a video of how you looked answering that. Pop quiz. What's your name? To the rest of the party, no matter what happens the rest of this episode, the bar has been set so low. Thank you, Blaine. You don't have to worry about it. Thank you, Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine. Blaine
I am Barbara Dunkelman and I'm playing Elga Von Brath. She is a half-elf vampire barbarian and so many other things. So scary. Half-elf vampire barbarian. Vamp.
And she is very small, very cute. I just realized that Barbara is playing a barbarian. Like your last character is Bart. He's a bard. So there's always some... We need more B type of classes. Yeah, we're going to need to add some. I am John Reisinger and I am playing Matty Conficius, who is an Eric Cochran ghost monk. You have a more complicated character than I do, I think. I didn't even know what it was.
know what an Eric Cochran is. It's the bird people. Did you see the Dungeons and Dragons movie? There's an Eric Cochran in that one. Which, by the way, when I saw the D&D movie, I was so excited to see that. I took my girlfriend, and she doesn't know anything about any of this Dungeons and Dragons stuff, but she loved the movie, and when we got out, I was like, that's what I'm playing in my new campaign. When we got out, I was like, my character's from a version of the Everwinter Woods. Yeah.
Neverwinter? I don't remember. Everwinter. Anyways, if you went and saw it at the Elmo Draft House, they showed off stinky puppets. Yeah, we had some of our Dungeons & Dragons videos in front of the movie. Yeah, so show up early. Yeah, and you can see those on social media at StinkyDragonPod. Boom! Making my job easier over here. I appreciate that, Blaine. I don't think...
He's making it easier. Let's be clear. We're really plussing up the production value of those with adding some fun little visual effects like in the recent one.
uh, transforming goat mud or, uh, vomiting Bart. Yeah. Very, very nightmare inducing. That episode was shifting and vomit. And, and case the audience didn't catch it. It has been about a month since our last recording. We had, we like, we're pretty far ahead in recording. Not anymore. We had to take a little break. Now we're back. And so, uh, none of us remember anything. Chris was pregnant. Uh,
My babies. Quick. For three weeks. Yep. Okay. Well, to get everyone warmed up again and ready to play some Dungeon Dragons, we have a list of 100 questions that were sourced online from the Stinky Dragons subreddit and Discord. And Micah, our writer, added a few as well. There's kind of role-playing warm-up questions designed to peel back the onion of the party's characters. Every week, before we dive into our tavernly tale, we're going to have someone roll a D100 and...
And I'll read a question and everyone will take turns providing a brief answer. I don't remember who rolled last episode. I think it was me. Okay. So someone who's next. Blaine, you roll the D100. That's me, right? Yes. That's a 38. So this comes from Coldstock on Discord. Blaine, how would your character describe love?
Oh he was- shoot I gotta get back to the voice. Uh, hmm. All the-
This is the show, guys. Hey, audience, strap in. This is the episode. I describe it like my beautiful and voluptuous wife, Carol. Oh, I miss her so much. What happened to Carol? She's gone missing. Which is why Chip is on his quest right now. You know, usually when someone goes missing, you look to the closest person near them and they often are the culprit. Chip is looking left and right. Who? Yeah, so Chip, I have it to where...
His wife has gone missing and he doesn't know if he's been divorced or if someone has taken her. So he's on a quest to find where she's gone to. It could be Chip's dark past coming back to haunt him.
Why are you looking at me while you're talking about this? Because you had this like entertained look on your face. So I was like, oh, I'm playing to the audience. He's playing to his audience. He's just listening. Who wants to go next? How would your character describe love? Bernie. Well, it's the most powerful thing in the world.
Love. A little bit of gum gum there. Is Barney a hopeless romantic? He's hopeless. Has Barney had relationships and stuff in the past? He's like an older man now, so. I imagine him like the old man from pop. Yeah, I mean, he's old, so I'm sure he has. Just being old doesn't guarantee that, though. Yeah. Yeah, just look at Gus. All right, going to make a note here real fast. Kill Japani. Okay, next. Barbara, you want to tackle that?
Elga never has experienced love like a lot of people talk about in the stories. But, you know, she did have love for her family back in the day, you know, many hundreds of years ago when she was with them. But now she just kind of do her own thing. Because Elga is trapped in the body of a child. So that probably complicates relationships. A little bit, yes. Wow. Mentally, she's very much older. But.
Matide, how do you go? Love. What was that? I'm getting back in my voice, John. All right. Let us know when you find it. Matide, the concept of the love is not something that Matide is very, is unfamiliar with. As a French woman.
As a French non-binary. I appreciate that. No, the concept is, I'm familiar with it. I love my parents. You know, there is a familial love that I am accustomed to. I've never seen a reason to seek it in another individual, but I wouldn't say no to it if it arrived and I noticed it.
Oh, you love Chippini, don't you? No, I do not. I barely know you, sir. I think Matit has had many lovers in past lives, but maybe does not remember. That's a very interesting possibility. They take many lovers. The fantasy French. Eat croissants and smoke on the terrace.
You start to hear the distant whistles being blown, but they sound like wolves and footsteps coming down the corridor. That slime's gonna be in your inventory for the entire campaign. Hurry! We must leave at once! Follow me! Okay! The gray-suited man hobbles with his cane out of the room and up a set of stairs to the north. Follow. I assist Barney up the stairs. Now I've got my walker.
Is that in there too? Yeah. Is that in the locker? Yeah. I'm still bringing up the rear. Just a little faster and better. I'm going to spot the old man. You follow the gray suited man and begin climbing the stairs, whistling wolves and the clattering of footsteps not far behind you. Your feet start to splash on wet steps as you climb higher and higher. You finally reach the top where the gray man stands at a door. He slowly opens the door, revealing a thunderstorm downpouring outside. Lightning flashes behind the man as he turns around to you all and says, by the way,
Allow me to introduce myself. I am the Alchemist.
Hey, did you bring an umbrella? It's kind of coming down out there. But who is the alchemist? Of what crime is the party accused? And how did they meet each other in the first place? To answer these questions, we must first turn the clocks back 24 hours into the past. Oh, Pulp Fiction. I couldn't tell what you were doing at first. I'm having a minor stroke. Chip, why don't you roll me a perception check, please? Oh, okay. Okay.
Oh, that's a nat 20 minus one. 19. You feel the warmth of a toasty blanket snuggled around your body, except for your frozen feet sticking out the end of the bed. Before you open your eyes, you instinctively reach out to your left, but only find a cold pillow, nothing more.
Wake up, dude. Oh, oh. Carol! Sweet wife! Dearest! What is Chip normally sleeping? What is your attire right now? What do you look like?
Nude? Nude! I was imagining you in like silk pajamas with a little like hat with the like tip on it. Oh no, I gotta be naked. If people, you know, come in through the night, I need to be nimble, alright? And clothes, pajamas specifically. They'll slow you down.
I do have a knife under my pillow, though. Do you? Yeah. That's dangerous with a naked sleeping habit. Listen, always be prepared. Of course, you have the knife under your pillow. As you know, Chip, you know, you sleep on a queen-sized bed stuffed with cockatrice feathers. Of course. We thought about going king, but it just separated us too much. We like being close. And you also cover yourself with a blanket.
It's a patch quilt made by your mother, Linda. Yes. Each patch magically depicting fond animated memories shared between Chip and Carol. It's very nice, but it is weird that I am naked when I am using my mother's quilt. Well, what do you want to do? Do you want to get up, put some clothes on? Do you want to start getting ready for the day? I get up and do my big stretches to start the day out. I don't put on a pair of pants or no clothes. Not yet. That doesn't come till hours later.
I bend down, make sure my back is nice and loosened up, kind of get all the creaks out. Then you realize your neighbor's looking right through your window. And I say, hey there, Bill. How's it going? Lovely weather. Grass is looking great today, Bill. Keep it up. And then I walk around the house. Of course, I'm sure you might want to feed your pet first thing in the morning. Your pet cockatrice who's on the nightstand in a birdcage next to your bed.
Say hey there big bird. What's your what is your what is your pet coffee? Choose a name? Is it big bird? No, because uh licensing and such Oh, it's like a cool bird thing
I don't know. I already came up with my name. His name is Skipper. Skipper. Hey there, Skipper. Of course, Chip knows this before everyone else. You know, a cockatrice, it's like the size of a large turkey, but it's like this hideous hybrid with golden brown feathers, grayish bat wings, and a yellow green lizard-like tail.
Yes. That is my baby. Whose name is? Skipper. Okay. Yeah, now he's writing it down. He's writing it down. He didn't write it down before. Okay.
Sometimes I like to put Skipper on my horns and he hangs out above my head and I say, hey there, no pooping. Something catches your eye on the nightstand right next to Skipper's cage. There's a sparkling envelope that's addressed to you, Chip. It's got your home address on it here in Atroville. Oh, looky there. A Chili's gift card. I opened it up.
As soon as you touch it, a small array of fireworks explodes from it into the air. And very loudly, audibly, it begins reading itself to you. I'm naked, so I'm going, ow! It's like when you're cooking bacon. Exactly. Don't.
Don't do that. You are cordially invited to the 113th anniversary Peace Parade in Atro City. Shuffle on down to the Wolfham Borough at Parliament Civic Center. Enjoy festive foods, arcane amusement, and a prodigious parade of Grotethian clan leaders. The parade will take place in zero days, seven hours, and 12 minutes. Hope to see you then.
Shoot, seven hours. I got to get around. Yeah, you know it'll take a few hours to get into town because of traffic, you know, especially on a day like this. Oh, yeah. Gate checkpoints, finding a place, you know, a decent parking space. What does your morning routine consist of? Like, what is the first part of your routine? Everyone's just a little different. Well, I pop down to the kitchen. I'm a little ditty to myself. I make up some nice breakfast, something healthy, something light. Pop down into the garage, do a little exercise, maybe some...
Roomba. I said first thing. You're going down the whole list. So what was the first thing on that list? I'm going to pop down to the kitchen, but I'm also going to keep my eyes out for Carol because I don't know where she went to, but I'm assuming she left me this card. Oh, you're keeping your eyes peeled? Make a perception check. Let's see if you see anything. Here we go. Ah, that's a four.
Haven't had my coffee yet. Oh, that's going to be important for you. Yeah. You know, everything seems normal as you left it. Go down to the kitchen. What do you make yourself? Just some coffee, obviously. Making a coffee, getting in an apple. Yeah. The Christian Bale diet.
Yeah. Is what? What? What he did, uh, the machinist. Oh, the machinist. Oh, well, yeah, and a protein shake. Mmm. Yeah. And all the while, skippers on my head singing me my morning songs. Uh, do you want to do, uh... No, it's more like...
I guess you might want to do some exercises, uh, to get warmed up as well. If you're drinking that protein shake. That's right. Still, still looking for Carol getting a little worried, but she must've popped down to the grocery store. She does that from time to time. Every version of characters that Blaine plays are a little bit like you in some way. I don't know what you're talking about. Uh,
Yeah, I mean, you're going to do your, I guess Chip would probably do his normal routine of outdoor calisthenics. Yeah. You know, series of acrobatic jumps and tree swinging between your neighbor's yards and rooftops, you know, stealthily with nobody noticing. Of course. Go ahead and make a... And really up the stakes, I do it naked still. Ooh. Well, why don't you make a stealth check to see how stealthily you can do it, see if anyone catches your shame. All of a sudden, someone hears something slapping against his skin. Yeah, disadvantage because of his, like, naked body.
That might be an advantage. 13. Wait, but I have an inspiration. Nah.
13. I'm just really off today because Carol's not around and I haven't seen her. She didn't leave a note or nothing. You are, you know, trying to stealthily jump rooftop to rooftop, tree limb to tree limb. But you're looking around trying to stay out of sight so much you're not looking at what's in front of you. And you stumble right into your neighbor's mailbox. Face first.
- Oh, you're lucky. - Taking four points of damage. - Whoa! - That's half my... - That was a... - What was that mailbox made out of? - Spikes. - Yeah, just nails. - It was made of nails. - Yeah, pointing outward. - Yeah. - Doug, Sharon, I dented your mailbox. I'm gonna fix that up in a jiffy. Don't you worry. - So I know you keep looking for Carol. Has she been gone for a while or is she just like, is she supposed to be here right now?
Yeah, no. Yeah, she's just- I can't find her. She just up and poofed. Last night, the last memory I had with her, we were laying down together in bed. We did our, you know, our classic cuddles and kisses. How does that sound like? Uh... I wish everyone could have seen Barbara's hands shake immediately. What does that sound like? No. Skipper, anything nice to say?
Do you want to keep looking around or is there anything else you need to get done? Or do you want you feel like you should start getting ready to head down to the peace parade? Well, if there's one thing that Chip isn't, it's a quitter. And he's going to try to do that same routine before that caused him to dent his neighbor's mailbox. So I'm going to take another go at it. You're going to incapacitate yourself. Yeah, well, I'd rather be incapacitated than a loser. All right. Chip's got the winner's spirit in him. This time focused on what's in front of you.
as well as what's off to the sides in your periphery. Yeah! Go ahead and make that stealth check. Stealth, here we go! Please don't die. That's a 19. Oh, okay. Yeah, you're on top of your game now. Maybe the coffee and the apple and the protein shake are kicking in, but you're fully awake and aware of your faculties, and you're able to sneak around the neighborhood and get your exercise in without anyone being any wiser. Still got it. And I do want to note that Chip is not in his, like, peak form. Like...
Years before he was like really into the stealth and the he was an assassin for hire So he was like top of his game, but when Carol came along he just left all that behind now. He just does it for fun Yeah
Alright, uh, is there anything else you want to get done? Or should you- or do you want to start getting ready? I guess I'll put my clothes on. What kind of clothes do you wear? What do your clothes look like? Oh, well, uh, I put on... It's all shortened sleeves and legs, you know? Like, I gotta have shorts. Short shorts, revealing the knees and the thighs. You know, it's good so that you don't have all that cloth rustling around when you're trying to sneak around. Scandalous. Uh, I got a t-shirt, uh...
You know sometimes I switch between just a nice collar and sometimes it's got a little hood. I call it my shouldy It's a shirt short shirt hoodie Sometimes they say hey should he wear it should he not who's to say and then I? Also, he should not I also wear some some special shoes They're used for stealth and lurking around and I call them sneakers. Oh, yeah, and of course I have my trusty
Satchel here in the front. I wear it on my waist. It's my waist belt. It carries all my things. My essentials. Knives, compasses. I assume it's like your... You got your money. Oh, yeah. Your arm blade. Yeah, yeah.
All right, so I guess after you get all ready, it's time to figure out how you're going to get down to the parade itself. Are you going to walk down there? Are you going to hire a coach cab ride? You know, Chip's just not feeling like he fully had a good enough athletic recreational morning. He's going to do his little power walk, and he's going to do some jogs. Oh, nice. Yeah.
Just for fun, make me a... So it's not too far. You know you'll be able to make it. You might be better off walking anyway. You're able to adjust your route more quickly. Why don't you make me a survival check? But what the heck? I still passed anyway. That's an 18. You think you did. Yeah, you start walking, and maybe you're still a little distracted, but you nearly walk headfirst into a beehive that's hanging off of a nearby tree, but at the last second you see it, and you definitely dodge right around it. Oh, no.
Right at eye level. How weird. Strange. So lucky again. Oh, I also give Skipper lots of kisses. And what did that sound like? No, the kisses. In that case, make a constitution saving throw for me.
How much damage is Skipper going to cause? Eight. As you're attempting to give Skipper kisses, Skipper obviously kisses you back too. Aww.
And gives you little kisses on the lips. Of course, as Skipper's kissing you, you remember that cockatrices can petrify people if they give them kisses. Okay. You'd think you'd know that by now having him as a pet. I choked, forgot it. Dang it. But lucky for you, you do remember that you have some antidote for cockatrice poison in the drawer under his cage and you quickly take it.
before it has time to start hardening your appendages. That's a bad boy, Skipper. No, no. Well, he's just trying to kiss you. Oh, he's a good boy, Skipper. Good boy. You kiss him again. Chip, just as the crescent sun reaches high noon, you arrive at the northeastern gates of Atro City.
You see a short line of folks waiting to get into town, and at the front of the line, you spot a few guards conducting searches and asking questions to each visitor. You, you know, of course, get in line, just like everyone else, and very quickly after you get in line, a couple people line up behind you as well, including what appears to be a young half-elf girl and like a mossy green half-orc wearing fingerless gloves. Fingerless gloves! Yeah, okay. Yeah, why don't we have the half-elf little girl describe herself?
Hello, my name is Elga. I'm about four foot seven, which is tall for my age, I just want to say. I have blonde wavy hair, very pale. I don't get out in the sun very often. I have a red skirt, a white fluffy shirt. It's my favorite, the silver locket that my father gave me. I care very much about it. And I have my axe, of course. How big is that axe?
as me. Oh, okay. All right. It's a big axe. Strong. You know, the line's moving pretty briskly. This seems to be something they're very efficient at, going through this line and checking through everyone. Chip, you get up there, and, you know, there's a couple of guards who ask you, what's your business here in Atro City? Oh, I got an invitation. I woke up naked, and it was on my nightstand, so I said, oh, what the heck? I don't come to the city that much, so I
Chip Haney, pleasure to meet you. The anniversary peace parade, huh? That's the one. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll come right on in, Chip. Hey, how'd you know my name? You introduced yourself.
I did, didn't I? What was your name? I'm so rude. What's your name? I'm having an off morning. My wife, Carol. Have you seen her? She's been missing. Is there a chance with your memory loss that your wife's been gone longer and you just keep waking up each day going, oh, where'd Carol go? It's like 50 first dates. There's a possibility. Like a memento situation. If a certain, you know, writer wants to include that.
Who knows? Okay, yeah, the guards wave you through. What was your name, guard? Constable Wyra. Constable Wyra. Constable. That's a big position. You must have worked hard for that one. Yeah, sure. Cool. Of course. Tell me about yourself, Constable Wyra. As Constable Wyra is talking, you realize it's hard to focus on what they're saying because...
Constable Wyra is a yellowish goblin who has a very distracting mole at the end of their nose that just keeps drawing your attention to it. Constable Wyra begins droning on. Oh, well, I grew up here in Atro City. I'm a big fan of writing music. It's one of my hobbies. Perhaps one day I can perform some and people will be able to watch and I can...
Move on and no longer be a constable. Well, Constable Huayra will be the first at your concert. Best of luck to you. Sounds good. Anyway, come on in. Okay. As you're walking past, you can hear the tone of Constable Huayra's voice changes and seems to become a lot more formal as they address Elka. What are you doing here?
I'm here for the parade, of course. Let's see your papers. Okay, here you go. She holds up a paper. A second constable walks over a silvery moon elf and snatches it from your hands. How long have you lived here? Longer than I can count. I can't count very high, so a very long time.
I don't really like that answer. Ten years, because I am only 11, and I moved here when I was just a child, and I love it here in the city that we live in. Which Barb is very glad that Gustin asked what the name of the city is. The under constable speaks up. Let's see your equipment.
Okay. Open up your bag. Okay, she opens up her bag. They begin rifling through all of your equipment. Let's see, any contraband in here? That depends what you consider contraband. What's this? The second constable, the moon elf, pulls out a small potion. Oh, that's my medicine. I have very bad social anxiety.
And so, you know, big crowds like this that would be at the parade, I like to take my medicine if it gets too much for me. Hmm. This is contraband. Well, do I need a doctor's note or something? Or what the... If you need it, you can repurchase it inside the city. That seems illegal to some degree. I don't want to include myself. Is there a possibility I could swipe this from them after they've taken it? Yeah.
You're still right there, too. Yeah. Chip overhears this and he wants to take the jar once they've taken it from Elga. The two constables confiscate your potion. And do I know what that was? You actually don't know. It wasn't yours. You don't recognize what it was. Man, she's good at improv, man. Constable Wyra sticks their hand out and says, One silver piece tall, please.
Wait a minute, I don't- did you make the guy in front of me pay the one silver piece toll? Oh, that's irrelevant. One silver piece to get in the city for the likes of you. The likes of me, somehow I feel this is either sexism or something else, but I don't know. We don't take kindly to your kind coming here. Oh, my kind. But I'm here to celebrate the parade with my friends. All for the low price of one silver piece. All right, she hands it over, but she, uh...
Takes mental note of this person here and she will have her revenge. Well, you already know one of them is Constable Wyra. And as you're taking note of the other moon elf, you see a name flash across their badge. Constable Double O Johnson. And Wyra says, don't forget, no permit, no magic inside the city.
Okay. And she like salutes them. They wave you through and they begin addressing the half-orc who was in line behind you. And Chip, you said at this point you wanted to try to get the potion back? I want to steal the potion and the silver piece. Hmm. What can we do? Do like a little sleight of hand maybe? Eight.
18? Yeah. It's not a very difficult task for you. You have very nimble fingers. You're able to very sneakily work your fingers into the confiscated area, the pouch holding the confiscated items and retrieve the vial that was taken. Yeah, once we get a safe distance from it, I'll be like, hey there, little lady. They didn't treat you so good. I'm sorry about that. And I give her her silver piece and the vial back. Enjoy the parade.
Thank you, kind stranger. Yeah! Chip Haney, pleasure to meet you. My name is Elga. Nice to meet you, too. Thank you for doing that. Yeah. Make a perception check for me, Chip.
That is a 14. You notice that Elga's holding on to a letter and an invitation somewhat similar to yours that you have, and the name on it, it's addressed to Count Von Broth. Hey, I see you got an invitation there. I had one of these as well. Is your name Count Von Broth? Uh...
No, maybe someday, but that is my father. Ah, I see. And Elga, of course, you know that your father has dispatched you to witness the 113th anniversary peace parade on his behalf. Yes, my father could not make it to the parade, so I'm here today.
And I will take notes, good notes for him. He wants to know all the goings on of the city. Ah, cool. As you all are having this conversation, Constable Wyra, who was at the gate, walks up and whispers in your ear, Chip. Oh. You keep an eye on that one for us, okay?
We think she's up to no good. I think she's just fine. But are you okay, Myra? You go focus on your music. We trust you. Okay. You're one of us. And just like the pointing at their eyes and pointing at your eyes thing. And I just kind of like shake my head, but don't really agree. Chip and Elga, why don't both of you make some perception checks? That is a 17 for Elga.
We'll start with Chip, because his number is a little lower here. You know, you all are having this conversation and Chip looks around, you know, to kind of gather your bearings. You notice the streets are pretty crowded today and everyone seems to be heading in one direction. Elga, you notice that amongst the crowds there's a signpost that reads "Pendich Borough" and there's a few arrowed signs pointing in various directions to different landmarks around the city, including East Docks, which are closed, East Markets and Parliament.
And which direction are people walking in? Most people seem to be heading towards Parliament. So would one assume that that is where the parade will happen? Yeah, so you two are still having this conversation. You know, there's a bustling crowd of people going in various directions. Most of them seem to be heading towards Parliament.
Well, do you think we should maybe head to where the whole crowd is going to watch the parade with them? Ah, what the heck, yeah. Let's do it. Would you also mind staying close? I'm getting a weird vibe from people here, and I'm not used to being around these types of creatures. Hey, when you're around Chip 80, you're around a friend. Come on, let's go.
I'm really liking this dynamic between Elga and Chip Haney so far. Yeah. Okay, as a tiefling, I think Chip has also run into this kind of behavior with other people, so he doesn't want to let anybody else go through that. Gotcha.
Felicitations, my foul-smelling friends. Do yourself a favor, drop the needle on our latest soundtrack, Paralites Poison. It's available on all your favorite music streaming platforms. Turn back the clock in Phaser, relive the uncanny origins of the original Infinites and Paralite. Plus, we've included combat encounter music to use in your own sessions of D&D with your friends. Check it out wherever you stream music.
Want to remind you, RTX is here in Austin this July 7th to 9th. This year's RTX is going to be very different with more to do, more to explore at the RTX campgrounds. Every RTX, there's something unforgettable to see or to do. No matter what kind of content you enjoy from Rooster Teeth, there's always something for everyone, I like to think. Tickets are available now at rtxaustin.com. It's going to be a great time. And I'm looking forward to the campground aspect of this year. And who knows, we may have some surprises, some new stuff to show you.
It's Rooster Teeth's 20th anniversary, 20 years of Rooster Teeth. And to celebrate every Friday, we release new surprise episodes to celebrate and to thank all of you for 20 years of support. We've already had quite a few come out. I don't know how many were through, but there's still so many in front of us. We've had a new master and apprentice pop up. We had a rage quit. We kicked it all off with an awu. And there are more big videos to come. So head over to roosterteeth.com and check them out.
This podcast is supported by FX's English Teacher, a new comedy from executive producers of What We Do in the Shadows and Baskets. English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job, while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.
You two follow the crowd and eventually come upon a bustling marketplace filled to the brim with folks haggling, eating, and drinking, but an overwhelming aroma fills your nostrils. The smell of baked bread. Sure enough, to your right, you spot a bakery overflowing with folks, particularly those of short stature, and the sign over the bakery reads, La Chate Gourmand.
Sure. Sure. How do you say it? Lachette. Lachette. It's C-H-A-T-T-E. Lachette Gourmand. Lachette Gourmand. Hey, I see a bakery over there. It looks pretty popular. You want to go hop in and get some bread? Oh, yes. I'm starving, actually. Thank you. Yeah. I had an apple and coffee. I'm starving. And protein shake. And a protein shake. Thank you. Also, Elga is lying because she doesn't eat anything that's not blood. Great. He was trying to blend in. Yeah.
The two of you walk into the bakery, and inside the petite bakery is a throng of locals, mostly short folk, like halflings and dwarves, and a few confused foreigners. It seems like a lot of them are vying for the owner's attention over at the front register, the owner being Matide. Matide, why don't you describe yourself, your appearance? Matide is a tall,
taller, kind of live person. You know, thinner. You got long lines. Think like a ballerina. Long lines like the lines of people trying to buy pastries? Yes. But as an Aarakoprin, they're, you know, they have bird-like features. Their wings are black, but they have a emblazoned red plumage in the front of their body and in parts of their head.
And as a monk, they have like loose garments, flowing fabrics, and a scarf around their neck. Speaking of the vestments that you have and these loose fabrics, you do notice that when you're moving, one of your pockets is a little stiffer than the other ones. It's not as flowing as the rest. And you remember that you have...
uh, an official notice, uh, in that pocket. I look at this official notice to, to remember what it is. It's a notice slash invitation reminding you about the 113th anniversary peace parade. And the city has asked that markets be closed early in order to funnel people towards parliament in the Wolfham borough. Uh, and the parade's happening in 10 minutes, but there's just this unruly crowd in the bakery desperate for baked goods. I guess, uh,
Matisse could address them. If I could get everybody's attention, I am sorry, but it is to, you know, my regret to inform you is that I need to close the shop today early. So I am unable to fulfill any orders, but we will be open tomorrow. So if you would like to get your bread tomorrow, that is an option. But I am so sorry.
It's pretty crowded and there's at least 20 people bustling around and it's not a huge shop so it's pretty elbow to elbow in there and it seems like they're ignoring you. They're all still trying to push forward getting to your display cases that are filled with breads.
And are Chip and Elga in there, too? Yeah, and Chip and Elga are in there as well. Chip hears the news and says, Bummer! Oh, yes, I really wanted the sweet bread. Shoot, I'm so disappointed. There's a dwarf standing next to you, Elga, that says,
Oh, that's what I wanted too. The sweet bread. Sweet. Oh, well, you sound so lovely. Where are you from, little dwarf? Little? I'm quite tall for a dwarf. What is that? I don't know, but I'm here for it. Yeah, yeah. It's cool. What is your name? Smash Ash. Smash Ash.
Pleasure to meet you! Smash sticks out their hand and begins shaking your hand very aggressively. Oh, very nice to meet you. Let's say we skedaddle out of this shop and maybe go find a bite to eat somewhere else.
But there is plenty of bread here! Yeah, well, Smash Ash, the nice person, said that they were closing, so... Just wanted to respect the shop owner's wishes. Smash turns around to look at the cases of food and just points at them and says, Plenty of food here!
That was in character. Yeah, he's not wrong. While this is going on, a gnome walks up with buck teeth and a huge hammer and begins trying to muscle between you two and Ash, trying to get up closer to the case of bread. Who are these colorful characters that are woven into our tapestry of the story?
I say, "Oh, excuse me, sir. You bumped into me and the little lady here." He turns around to see where the sound's coming from, and the hammer that's strapped to his back accidentally hits you in the face, Chip. I don't like this. Right in one of your eyes. Ow! Excuse me, sir. You just hit my friend with your stupid weapon. Are you going to apologize?
Oh, I'm sure he got in the way. I just want to get some of that carotid cake. Oh, yeah. I hear it's delicious here, but you got to watch out, all right? Yeah, yeah. You know, you got to watch where you're moving through and you're moving through this car out. He turns around. He's not listening to you anymore. Okay, well, that's not very nice. Do you want me to take care of this gentleman for us? No, no, that's okay.
Are you sure? I would really like to take care of this gentleman for us. Yeah, yeah, it's okay, it's okay. I think at this point, the crowd realizes that Matide is not honoring any transactions and is not accepting any money, so they begin filtering out into the street. Oh, shoot. Two stars on Google review. Excuse me, sir, but it was not my choice to close the shop. I didn't hear you there, I'm so sorry.
I'm sure it's lovely food, I'm just bummed I didn't get a sweet, carotid cake. Well, uh, since the majority of- were they- are they clearing out? Yeah, it seems like the NPCs and the people are all clearing out. You seem like a nice individual, and since the crowd has left and I will have time to leave, please, make a choice of something you would like to have. Oh...
You look in the display case and you can see Matide's menu as well. You see various breads in the display case. You got any kolaches? There's little signs indicating what they have, including, and if I said "Shot Gourmand" wrong, I'm going to say all of these wrong. Do it. Including "Pan de Campendish."
Courriettes à la boue, boudin noir, crème de vanilloc, croissant d'Hulun.
I don't think you spelled any of these things correctly on your menu, Mr. Shopkeeper. What would you like? I guess I don't see any kolaches, do I? Do you have anything with blood orange, perhaps? Emphasis on the blood. I do not have anything made with blood orange right now, but maybe you would like this...
Boudin noir. Oh. It is a bread pudding. Oui, merci. I've learned a little bit of French in my time. Oh, oui. Donne-moi cette...
Pay. S'il vous plait. I guess it is... When's the offer? Oh, I did not realize that there would be a transaction. I'm sorry, you thought it was going to be for free? Oh, well, you know, because... This is my business, I have to keep the doors open, the lights on. Yes, but, you know, we...
Chip steps into it. I'll take care of this one, Elga. Okay. While we're at it, I'll take... I point vaguely at the thing and I'll say, I'll take a compost deco...
Looks delicious! Which one were you trying there? I'm just hoping that Matide will just guess at what I want. You know, you look like someone who would enjoy a fine croissant. Yeah! So here, I will give you a croissant doulu. Mmm!
And so you hand over money? What's the damage? Let's say two silver. Two silver. You got it. The croissant de lune is, of course, two buttered croissants baked together, then covered in glowing coconut shavings. Looks delicious. Sounds unhealthy. Wow, this looks delicious.
Yours, Elga, is the boudin noir. It's a black ooze bread pudding. It's kind of acrid smelling, albeit surprisingly sweet. Tastes of cinnamon licorice. You know, this looks so good, I think I'm going to save it for later.
Just pack it up here in my pouch. It is the best when it is fresh and warm and it is warm right now. I would love to hear what you think of this, of one of my creations. No, I don't like eating in front of other people. You look like someone who enjoys a good brand. So please, please, since this is
Chip hands over three silver pieces and says, "Hey, keep the change!" "Go ahead, Elga! Eat your food!"
Here comes the choo-choo train. Yum, yum. I like the thing that she doesn't know how to like masticate at all because nothing is true. So she's like, it's all just front teeth just biting into stuff. Do they know she's a vampire? Like, are there any indications that like they know? I mean, there are vampires in the world. I guess that would be up to you whether or not you show it or it's something you try to conceal. Like, for example...
We didn't get into it because he was such a minor character, but the gnome with the big hammer was a vampire as well. Okay. Okay. Gotcha. You've just been hiding it, so I figured that was part of the charade you've been doing. Yeah. She has her hood up and doesn't smile very big. She takes a little piece of the pastry and eats it. How's it taste?
Like lead in my stomach. Oh, I'm sorry. No, this is, I mean, it is so good. Thank you. I'll save the rest for yummy little snack on the road. Elga, you dropped it on the floor there. Let me get that for you. Thank you. You could just put it here in my pouch. You got it.
Yummy. I'll remember that for later. At this point, the entire shop is empty. It's just the three of you standing there. Well... Better hit the old dusty trail, as they say. I imagine Elegant just patting her belly like she's full. Do I see their invitations? Do you guys have your invitations out in hand or... I do, yes. Okay.
Mine's in my fanny pack. I guess you would see Elgas. Sure. I see that you have an invitation to the parade. Would you like to go together? I have nobody to go with. I would love some company. Why not? Yeah! Yes. Cannot think of any reason why to say no. Let's get this party started, huh? Oh, wonderful.
Okay, you all begin heading out, walking out of the bakery. And as soon as you set foot outside and you're leaving the shop, everyone needs to make a dexterity saving throw. 18, 19, 10. Matid, maybe it's because you have to turn around to ensure the door is locked, but you don't notice that there's an older male cleric shuffling by the front door with their walker.
and this elderly clerk barges right into you with their walker, hitting you with it. You take one point of walker damage, and you fall on your butt onto the ground. Excuse me, sir. I did not see you there. Hello. How are you? Are you all right? Oh.
Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Very good. What? This seems like a dangerous place to be standing in front of a doorway. Where were you heading? Yeah, where are you cruising, young man? Oh, it's just, you know...
I was just, uh, you know, scooting about. Hey, I know. Are you okay? Like, a half-orc walks up and begins helping Matide to the ground. Matide to the ground? I'm sorry, Matide up from the ground. Just shoving me, pushing Matide down. You got knocked down. Why are you on the ground? Oh, I...
I seem to have tripped on something. Half-orc's dusting you off because you have a bunch of dirt on you now. Be careful where you're walking. This is very good advice. I will try to do that in the future. My name is Matit. What is yours? Barney. Barney, it's a pleasure to meet you. Are you perhaps on your way to the parade? Okay. Uh...
I love your enthusiasm. Chip introduces himself. Hi there, Chip Haney. Pleasure to meet you. Oh, hey. Hey. Nice to meet you. Yeah. You're a strapping young lad. Oh, you're a strapping young lad yourself. Yeah. Look at you go. Hello, old man. Do you want some pastry? Plenty to share. I would love a little pastry. Here you go.
It's delicious. Yummy. Make me a wisdom check. Oh, that is a 13. Okay. That's a weird coincidence. It's the half-orc who helped Matita. It was the same one that was in line behind you earlier. Oh, okay. Anyway, the half-orc says, okay, I'm glad you're okay.
She walks off. What a nice, nice fellow. Hey, Elgo, isn't that person behind you in line? She looked familiar, yes, but I don't know why she came back if she already left the bakery. Weird. Oh, there's a bakery! Yeah, yeah! I'm sorry, but it is closed. We need, all the markets have to close early today in order to allow people the opportunity to go to the parade. Oh, a parade! Yes. Yes.
Matin, here's a small business owner. Yeah. How small is it? It is right in front of you. It looks pretty big to me. Oh, you're very kind. And they make the most delicious baked goods. How would you describe the flavor? So succulent sweet. Like sugar. Sugar.
and... yeast. Oh, he's got those childhood memories of eating yeast at the park. I love doing my mom would just lick, let me lick the yeast off the spoon. Elka doesn't know.
You have such a unique way of describing my food. Yes. Well, you know, English, not my first language. You're doing a wonderful job. It seems like almost quite suddenly the streets are starting to become more and more crowded. And people are starting to get pushed in the direction of the parade at the parliament. All four of you, go ahead and make me strength saving throws. Oh, dang. Oof.
6. Man, rolls today. 10. 15. 16. I like being a barbarian. Yeah, that's cool. Wait till you get intelligence checks. Yeah, I know. So yeah, it's very difficult to try to fight against the mass of people who are all pushing in one direction. Chip, for some reason, you just can't get your feet under you. You're just getting shoved and elbowed. Everyone else, the other three people can kind of navigate through, but you're just having kind of difficulty keeping your feet.
Uh-oh, crowd surfing again. After a great deal of stumbling, shuffling, and bustling, the crowd finally comes to a halt. Everyone's murmuring with excitement. All four of you roll me perception check. 30, 20. Six. Well, not as bad as Chip. I did a 12.
Zero. Wow. I'm facing the wrong direction. It's because you're getting pushed around. You're having trouble keeping your feet, so it's hard for you to really notice what's going on. The guy's hammer hits your eye. Someone else in the crowd hits your eye. Tough day. Wife's missing. What the heck? Mateed and Chip, it's difficult for both of you to get a look past the multitudes, but you do notice it's double full moon out, although not for long with all these gray clouds that seem to be rolling in right now. Double full moon. Yeah. So are there two moons?
Yeah, double. Double the werewolves. Kind of like the croissant du Loon? Loon is French for moon. Oh, I heard croissant and my stomach started rumbling. Yes, mine too.
Barney, uh...
You are able to see so much more. You see that that stage appears to be mostly vacant at the moment, save for one individual wearing tweeds, shaking hands with someone in a gray suit. And you observe, you also observe the courtyard is flanked by coughs on every side, particularly near the stage and along the roped off carpet. A thick horned reddish tiefling climbs atop a nearby carriage hitched to multiple wagons. He clears his throat, places a bullhorn to his mouth.
All those wishing to enter the courtyard must stow your weapons here before entering. We will provide you a ticket to collect your belongings upon your exit. And there's several cops in the area collecting weapons and handing out tickets to people. And we're being like milled into this area? Yes. Are they doing visual checks for weapons or pat-downs?
Um, that's a good question. I'm going to say they're asking people to voluntarily hand over the weapons. And then after handing over their weapons, they give them a quick pat down and send them on their way. Elga does not want to part with her weapon. Um, so she, uh, kind of puts it in her back to where the bottom of the ax kind of fills the puffiness of her skirt. Okay. Um, so you can't see it. And if you would pat her sides, you wouldn't feel it either. Okay.
What about the other three of you? I do not have any weapons. Well, Barney's main weapon is his walker. Can't take that away from him. But he's happy to give up his crossbow. Okay. Chip never parts ways with his weapons. He slides the feigning pack in a way that it kind of
tucks under his shirt and makes his rump look nice and plush. Big booty. Y'all gonna get in trouble. Okay, yeah, the two of you who are trying to conceal stuff, each of you make a slight of handshake. 20! 22. Wow! Alright, that's a... Slight of skirt. Nothing I can do about that. I see what Elga does and I give her a wink.
Elga tries to do it back, but blinks. Okay. Barney, you turn in your crossbow and get a ticket. Mateed, you have no weapon. And what's this ticket? What show is this? Bring it back here after the show, and you'll get your crossbow back. Next. You all get your stuff processed, and you're shoved along. And to the left of the cart that's collecting weapons, you see another cart that seems to be selling food of some kind. Is that your shop?
Unfortunately, no, I do not have a mobile version of my bakery. Elga, you hungry? I'm so hungry.
That was just so filling and delicious. Plopcorn. Come get your plopcorn. Plopcorn. Elga, your favorite, plopcorn. You don't know me. Roll for initiative. Bonnie, would you like some, what was it, plopcorn? Yeah. Delicious plopcorn. If you say so.
Sure, let's just get something together. Okay. It is fun to sample the wares of the event. Popcorn, please. There's an Oblix there selling buckets of plopcorn. One bucket of plopcorn, one silver piece. What is plop? Oh, I'm glad you asked. The name's yolk, and it's my personal recipe. It's made from marshmallow kernels imported from Glurba and covered in I-can't-believe-it's-not spluttered.
Wow. All yours for the low price of one silver piece. Gus, did you have a stroke just now? Did you stutter? No, he buttered. One popcorn for my friend here. Here you go. Extra I can't believe it's not butter on this one. They take a silver piece from you and hand you one bucket of popcorn. Do they take...
Take it from me or... No, I pay for you. I pay for you. We're such a cordial party. Yeah. Mateed, make a perception check for me. Finally. 19. You know someone else just off to the side a little bit from the plopcorn cart who also has a bucket of plopcorn and they seem to be dropping it down a barred grate into the ground. Like they are intentionally dropping... Plopcorn. Yeah. Plopcorn. Like down a grate. They're plopping it. Uh.
They're behind the cart or next to it? They're a little off to the side. Okay. I approach them out of curiosity. Excuse me. You seem to be... I don't know if you noticed, but you're dropping your popcorn everywhere. Oh, clumsy me. They stop and then begin walking away. Nice to meet you, Mr. Clumsy. Ha ha ha!
So is this just old gum gum? Is that what this is? It's just old gum gum? A little across to the west from the popcorn cart, there's another cart that seems to be also selling stuff. Really quick, can I look down the grate? Yeah, make a perception check. It's only an 11. Air cookers have dark vision?
It's pretty dark down there and goes fur aways. You can't see whatever's at the bottom. I do. I do have dark vision. You do have dark vision? You can't quite make out whatever's at the bottom, but you think you might hear voices. Interesting. Teenix, get your teenix. No one knows you're at the parade if you don't have your teenix. I got a lot of icks when I was a teenager.
Is it an apparel shop? If I had to take a guess, it's like a t-shirt tunic. Yeah. Kind of like my shouldy. You know, shouldy wear, shouldy not. Yeah.
Oh, that's a good joke. Thanks. I am laughing on the inside. I head over to the T-Nix shop. You see a drider barking for the T-Nix. Buy your T-Nix from Swagatron. One silver piece. Commemorate the 113th anniversary of the peace treaty. You want a T-Nix? Mm-hmm.
I'm okay. I prefer my garments over this. Okay. There's quite a selection of different Teenix, you know. I survived the Peace Parade 1230. Keep Calm and Carry Spawn. Kiss Me, I've Perished. My patrons went to Atro City. All I got was this lousy Teenix. Oh, I like the Kiss Me, I've Perished one. Frankenstein Says Relax.
Black Teaneck with three werewolves howling at a double full moon. You know we have to make these now. Yeah, these rule. We knew you should put these in our store. And of course, the classic I Heart A.C.,
What's the AC's name? Atrocity. That's why I had to shoehorn reading all of them in because they're so good. I know you aren't going to ask. I'm just going to read them all. We need that Frankenstein says relax shirt immediately. Yeah, I'll say Mateed browses the wares out of curiosity, chuckles at a couple of them, but then does that kind of little like, no, and walks away kind of motion. Do we have any keychains? No keychains. Just T-necks. One silver piece. Oh, okay.
Barney, you want a shirt? Okay. I'll take one shirt. I think you mean the mic. It's just us buying these things for this random old man we found. She's our pet now. I'll take that one. He just points in a general direction. You point at the I survived the peace parade 1230. Wow.
I did. How much for this little thingy? One silver piece for the tea, Nick. Just give me a second. Did I ever tell you about the time? One silver piece for your tea, Nick. You think that maybe this vendor deals with a lot of elderly customers? He wants to get you exact change, so he just like... Does Barney have a coin purse? Yeah. What are you doing? I take one out. Okay. And there is one silver. Now, thank you for the popcorn.
You're very welcome. The vendor takes your silver piece and shoves a tea nick into your hands. Ooh, what's this? Come and get your tea nicks! Mateed starts walking towards the stage. Mateed begins moving towards the stage, and as you do so, a brunette woman wearing a tweed coat and trousers begins stepping forward on stage. He's, she's, and they's of all ages!
It gives me great pleasure to welcome you all to the 113th Anniversary Peace Parade. The crowd erupts into applause and begins chanting, Wolfmen! Wolfmen! Wolfmen! Wolfmen! Wolfmen! Thank you, thank you, thank you, but please, let's give a warm welcome to folks who have traveled much further than me. Let's hear it for our fellow Grotethian clan leaders! Yeah! Woo! Woo!
- Let's sink our teeth into the vampire from Vania. It's Dracula. - A barrage of bats swoops into the courtyard and makes the sound that bats make, you know.
They screech! They screech! With a puff of black smoke, the flock of bats transfigures into a pale fanged man draped in a black cloak. As he makes his way down the carpeted runway, he flourishes his cloak and the inside glows and glistens red as if trickling with blood. Well, he's
- I'm so dreamy. - How does he do that? He's walking, but he's kind of floating. You don't see him bobbing upside up and down. - I don't know, but it's magical, isn't it? - Yeah. - This mate from Asketon gives you volts in the bolts.
It's Frankenstein! Oh yeah! Out from the next carriage steps a rigid green man with a black mop of hair, bolts in his neck, and dressed in a patchwork suit of purple patterns. Hey, that's Frankenstein's monster! Where's Frankenstein? He puts his hands to his ears. A jock next to you goes, shut up, nerd! He puts his hands to his ears and the crowd responds, it's alive! It's alive!
This is fun. He smiles stiffly and proceeds to the stage. Now give it up for the tut who struts her carcassook stuff.
It's the mummy! A gust of sand sweeps up from the ground into a column and then shifts into decaying woman wrapped in linen strips and a golden headdress. All right, you go, girl! Yes, queen! I do like the wave, but I just keep my arms stiff in front of me and go like, nah! Chip is really enjoying the show. He really is. Her rotting face is tattooed all over and her hair shifts and slithers like cobras. Mmm.
Our next guest simply oozes with charisma without flopping their gums. Coming to us from the superb land of Glurb, it's the Blob! Out of nowhere, a monumental mound of orange ooze splatts onto the red carpet. Someone in the crowd screams and everyone laughs and claps. The amorphous mound of orange steadily dribbles along the carpet. You think you see a smile crease across its face? Body? Thing?
This next beastly bud puts the fun in Fun-O-Lock. It's Nessie! A wave of water crashes in from the south and out from the foam slithers a giant salamander-like beast with blue scales and a long neck.
The aquatic creature spews a spray of water across the crowd and they cheer. And last but not least, tip your hats to the main riding man prancing all the way from Parrish. It's the Headless Horseman! Galloping atop a shadowy steed is a wispy rider in a double-breasted blue coat with a blazing jack-o'-lantern for a head.
He launches his flaming pumpkin into the crowd and they toss it around like a burning beach ball until it finally finds its way back to the caped rider. I've touched it! I've touched his head! I'm liking this energy. Once again, welcome to all of our esteemed guests. We are honored by your presence and all that it represents. 113 years of peace and prosperity all across Grotef. The crowd erupts into applause.
As the crowd is cheering, all six clan leaders find their way up to the stage behind the wolfmen and take their seats. A few are joined by squires and guards, while a gray-suited guest takes a seat in a chair on the end. Before we hear from our guests about what the last 113 years has meant to them, I've invited a special guest to dazzle us with their mesmerizing magic. Please give a warm welcome to Zuzu Top, the Mentalist!
Pow! Purple sparks fly in green smoke plumes across the stage. An Abrelion with one giant eye and several tentacular eye stalks appears on stage and tips their top hat to the crowd, but only a few cheer. Zooko's, zoo-yah!
Yeah. Yeah. Come on, guys. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you, Madam Speaker, for that gracious introduction. I am Zuzu Top, and I can see into your mind. Mateed rolls her eyes. But why take my word for it when I can show you? I need...
two volunteers from the crowd. - Oh, oh! - Chip and Barney are raising their hands enthusiastically. So Zuzu points at the two of you and says, "Let's give them a round of applause, folks." - Like raising hands, like getting the crowd amped up? - Yeah.
There's a smattering of applause from the crowds. - Yes, yes, I see it now. The future laid out before me. - Zuzu pulls out a deck of cards and scribbles down something on the top card, then shoves it back into the deck. Then Zuzu offers a 12-sided die to one of you, either Chip or Barney. - Barney, go ahead. - Okay. - Now, a roll of the dice is unpredictable, yes? How can anyone foresee the number rolled on this 12-sided die?
I don't know. Thank you for your enthusiasm, sir. That's an 8% chance that I would know the correct number. But why stop there? An 8? There's 12 numbers on here. Uh, Zuzu offers a D20 to Chip. Now, we add a 20-sided die into the mix, creating even more possibilities. One in 20. That's a 5% chance I will predict the correct number on that die alone.
But why stop there? Each of you roll your dice, then show the audience what number you rolled. I will close my eyes and turn away. - Okay. - Now, each of you remember your respective numbers, but let's make things a bit more interesting, shall we? Both of you carefully turn your dice over to the exact opposite side. - Yeah. - Remember it? Don't tell me. My eye is closed. Once you've done that, then show that number to the audience.
Okay, here it is. Now, think of those numbers in your mind and while focusing on them, add them together in your head. In fact, let's add all four numbers together, shall we? Zuzu shuffles the deck of cards between his tentacles. Now that you've added all four numbers together, does everyone have the total number in their minds now? You must concentrate on it. The total number added together, two dice.
Four random numbers, unpredictable outcomes. Zuzu continues to shuffle the cards. But what if I told you I knew the summary of all four numbers before you even rolled them? Zuzu thrusts the deck of cards high into the air, and as they shower down upon you all, the Abrelion snaps his tentacles and all the cards catch fire and burn to ash. All that is, except for one.
He reaches down and holds up the card and scribbled on the ace of spades is the number 34. What is this your number? Oh, yeah. The crowd bursts into applause and cheers, shocked and amazed. Somehow I think the mathematical addition of all these numbers is going to equal this. Thank you. You're a lovely audience. Chip is doing the math. He sure is. And how about these volunteers? Give them a hand. Yeah.
I know those guys! Wow! How about one more trick? But this time we need a few more volunteers to help them on stage. How about your friends to join you up here? And Zuzu points down at Elga and Mateed. Why don't you come up and join your friends? I don't know if I would use the term friends.
friends that we just met today, but... Yeah, best friends! Okay. Matide does another eye roll and kind of like motions for Elga to reluctantly join them. Great, the two skeptics. Yes.
Zuzu claps his tentacles and a plume of red smoke swathes over you all and a table suddenly appears before you. Atop the table is an empty glass jar and a glass pitcher filled with water. Do any of you have a copper piece? I pull out a copper.
Zuzu puts out a tentacle and grabs it from you. As everyone knows, a copper piece doesn't get you very far in this world, but... And he flicks the glass pitcher. This water here is all I need to increase my current currency. Go ahead. Toss as many copper coins into the empty jar as you like. Barney, take your copper piece to start it off. Is he motioning for us to put it? If anybody else wants to throw in a copper piece, you're welcome to. I put one. All right. Big spender. Yeah.
Zuzu picks up the pitcher of water and holds it high into the air. Boom! Thunder rolls overhead and the crowd shudders for a moment. And for just a moment you see Zuzu himself quiver, but then holds the pitcher even higher. Zim! Salabim! Water pours into the copper-filled jar and swish! The coins shimmer into silver pieces.
The crowd whoos and Zuzu holds the silver jar up for all to see. But why settle for second best when we can make these silver pieces truly glinting gleam? Zuzu lifts the pitcher high into the air once more, but instead of thunder, you hear the crash of glass and someone retching. Everyone looks past Zuzu to see a tweed-coated woman hunched over, gagging in the pale moonlight. And that's Wolfman? Yeah, it is Wolfman. The gray-suited man cries out from the end, Hurry! Someone get us some water!
Could Barney run over? Yeah. Yeah, Chip wants to help too. Yeah. Oh, here. Water. You have water? Yeah, I got a water skin. Oh, oh, okay. You pull out your water skin and who do you offer it to? The person who fell on the ground. Oh, okay. Both of them.
The Wolfman's assistant is a young man in a tweed vest. He intercepts the water and takes it from you. He offers Wolfman a drink, but she only coughs more and clumps of fur grow along her body. Her coughing quickly turns to violent hacking as she collapses to the ground, writhing in a matted mess of fur.
But without warning, he stops, stiff as a corpse. The gray suited man quickly hobbles over with his cane and falls to his knees next to her. "Lorenza, can you hear me?" And shakes her werewolfian body in his hands. "Lorenza! Lorenza!" Boom! Thunderous skies begin to drizzle overhead. A voice cries out from the crowd. "They killed her! They killed the wolfmen!" The crowd begins murmuring. "Murderers! Murderers!" "What?"
Surely they cannot be talking about us. Are they talking about us? A plump mustachioed man wearing a cough uniform runs on stage armed with a hand crossbow revolver. Nobody move. I'm Chief Inspector Weasel and you're all unnoticed. Oh.
Is that my crossbow? You'll have to find out on the next episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Oh, no. So that's how we got in jail. We've been framed. I blame Barney. I think I might have killed that man. Woman. Woman. Woman. Wolfman. Wolfman. Lorenzo Wolfman? Like a last name? Well, if you want to know the answer to that question, perhaps listen to the next episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. New campaign. Woohoo!
I'm having fun. I got the accent back, and I'm just going to forget it the next time we start. No, it's great. You got it.
This is the perfect time to please share with your friends because it's a new campaign. If you want people to get excited about the show and you want to share it and listen to it with them, do it now. Please. Thank you. Yeah. And follow us at StinkyDragonPod on all the social medias. Yeah, we're doing more puppet videos and all that fun stuff. Also, if you have a suggestion for a puppet video you want to see, either with the previous campaign or this one. Please, God. Let us know. Via how?
tweet us. Yeah. At StinkyDragonPod. Or the subreddit. We got a very active and lovely subreddit. You can also leave us a suggestion for that at the RoostFeed Discord in the StinkyDragon channel there. Yeah.
Thank you.
On Twitter. On Twitter.
and Chief Inspector Weezer of the Coffs, named after Commander Carl Weezer567 on Reddit and Discord. We also want to give a special thanks to some friends who provided VO for characters in this episode, like Constable 00 Johnson, voiced by Paige Wesley from Cult Podcast. You can find Paige at Paige Wesley. Yolk, the popcorn-selling Obelix, voiced by Tamor Hussain from GameSpot. You can find them at Tamor H.
Swagatron, the T-neck selling drider, voiced by Lucy James from GameSpot, reachable at LucyJamesGames. Lorenza Wolfman, voiced by Mariel Salcedo, findable at Mariel Salcedo. Zuzu Top, the Ibrellian Magician, voiced by Alfredo Diaz, findable at AlfredoPlays. Constable Slightly, voiced by the Valley Folks Elliot Morgan, at Elliot Morgan on Instagram. The Alchemist, voiced by Blizz, at BlizzBear. And Chief Inspector Weezer of the Coffs, voiced by Micah Reisinger, of course, as always, at BlizzBear.
Micah Reisinger. Tune in next time for another thrilling episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon.
