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This podcast is supported by FX's English Teacher, a new comedy from executive producers of What We Do in the Shadows and Baskets. English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job, while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.
This is a Rooster Teeth production. Hail, howdy, partners. Y'all mosey on into the stinky dragon. Today, our whippin' whiskey shots are two for one, so go easy on them, though. This is one potent potable with a stinger in the end. I reckon last time our adventurers went down to local tavern and library for some R&R. They made a big new friend, new feathery foes, and learned a bit about Boulderay and the Infinites. Then they received some official training from Dr. M and finished with flying colors. Oh,
or something like that. That led to celebratory drinks at the tavern with the doctor and an experimental opportunity to learn more about the night the Infanites disappeared. So hold your horses, hush your mouth, because I'm fixing to tell you our tale. Bart. It's me, Bart. Ready to go. Not rusty at all.
You wake up on the chilly stone floor of your lab to the sound of blood-curdling screams echoing in the distance. You try to open your eyes, but your right eye feels swollen shut. Your left eye manages to open up, but you only see inky darkness. You suspect the torches must be doused, but why aren't the purple gems glowing?
Oh my God. Do I have a stye? Stinky. Make an intelligence check to see if you have a stye or not. Oh gosh, okay. Barb's just making fun of me because I have a stye in my eye right now in real life. It's not huge and disgusting and very distracting. You're fine. I rolled a 16.
You can kind of recall the general layout of the lab that you're in, and you think you'd probably be able to crawl to the door across the room from where you are. You think that there might also be a torch and tinderbox on the long conveyor belt in the middle of the room. And oh, oh, and you remember there's a dagger on the bookshelf by the door. Okay. Wow. Bart has a great memory. That was a good roll, Bart.
So there is a... I should probably go try to grab the torch so I could get some better vision in this room. Also serves as a weapon if you wanted it to. Oh, fire. It seems like you can only crawl. Your legs aren't responding to you, so you have to crawl using your arms. So it's very slow going to try to get to the conveyor belt. Okay. How close is the dagger to me?
It's on the opposite end of the room on the bookshelf by the door to leave the room. Luckily for you though, you do pass by the conveyor belt if you do want to still stop by there and look for the torch and tinderbox. I sure do. You very slowly, painfully drag yourself across the stone floor.
inch by inch until you reach the conveyor belt. You can't stand up to look onto it, so you reach an arm out and paw at the conveyor belt until you find a torch and a tinderbox that you remember were laying up there. Perfect. Ah, these knees aren't what they used to be like in my 20s, let me tell you that. Do you want to go ahead and light it up? I do. Ha ha ha, yeah. Just blaze, just blaze.
You fumble with the tinderbox for a little bit, but you manage to get a spark and ignite the torch, which provides some dim illumination to the room around you. You see various experiments and test tubes all around where you left them previously. There are quite a few that are smashed and things are tossed to the ground. Gus, for my own notes, did she swipe right or left when she was smashing the tinderbox? Right.
You do see the door and the bookshelf with the dagger that you remember, just a little further on from you. Okay. I want to go crawl my tiny little body over to that dagger. I assume you leave the tinderbox behind, but you carry the torch? Yeah, I'm guessing I will. Well, do I have room in, like, my pocket or...
A bag to put the tinderbox in? How big is it? It seems like your possessions have been taken from you. The tinderbox isn't very big. You could crawl with the tinderbox in one hand and the torch in the other and just kind of like use your forearms to pull yourself along. Nah, I'll just take the torch. I'll probably regret that later, but we'll see. Well, it's a little more difficult to crawl now that you only have one hand, but you finally make it to the door of the Great Hall. But you notice that the screams have stopped. In fact, all you hear is dead silence.
You feel your bloodied arms slowly stretch out for the door handle, but the door bursts open and you're thrown across the stone floor. You slam into the conveyor belt and feel warm blood ooze down the back of your neck. Oh my god. When this happens, you drop the torch that was in your hand. Okay. You slowly crane your neck up to see a familiar hooded silhouette of your friend backlit by distant flames. And for a moment, you breathe a sigh of relief. But as they step toward your crippled body, you notice there's something off about them.
You instinctually peer out of the side of your soul and eye for something to defend yourself. The glint of a dagger blade meets your eye. Oh my god. Uh, could I- I want a lunch- lunch for the dagger. As your hand grasps the blade, you feel the heel of a boot crunch your fingers and blinding pain shoots up your arm. A familiar, honeyed, but haunting voice says, Is that any way to greet a friend, dear doctor? And where are your manners? Shouldn't you stand when a lady enters the room? Hmph.
No matter. I'm taking them, Doctor. I'm taking these frauds and charlatans and there is nothing you can do. But don't fret. I'm leaving you alive. For now. She turns to leave. You hear your own hoarse voice utter. L-Luce, please don't do this. The hooded silhouette turns halfway to you and you see black eyes and a sneer come across her bewitching pale face. Oh, Luce is no more, dear Doctor.
There is only... Paralite. And she drops an envelope at your feet. Oh my god.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Alarm. Beep. Beep. Hit the alarm, Bart. Hit the snooze. I hit the snooze accidentally, and then I go, oh, crap. This is going to go off in nine minutes, guys. A glossy red orb hovers midair in the center of the room. The orb changes to a cloudy gray color, and a gravelly voice mutters quietly from the orb, Ah, beep.
Who's that?
No, I'm not a construct or an invention. I'm a person. A dwarf, to be exact. Well, sort of. I kind of got stuck in here. Listen, it's a long story about how you shouldn't just go around willy-nilly touching things that ain't yours. The point is, Dr. Ahim has promised to try to get me out of this ball. And in the meantime, I'm told you heroes are a few hairs short of a beard. So I'm here to help you along your journey, apparently. Wow, it really sounds like you are very enthusiastic about helping us.
This is like our Philatetes from Hercules. Yeah. But to be fair, this alarm clock is somehow better than all of the ringtones available on the iPhone. Somehow, yeah. We'll make this available. Can we make, Ben, can we make this available as a download on social media so people can use it as their alarm? He said, you got it. He said, yes. Sure thing.
Kyborg wakes up, he stretches and he goes, oh, I had such a restful sleep. I had a dream that there were four baby turtles covered in ooze and they grew up to be ninjas. How was everybody else's sleep? Bart jumps out of bed and puts his hand over Kyborg's dumb mouth and says, all right, listen, I got a way more important dream than I just had, even though I do want to hear about that one later.
All right, everyone, listen up. I don't know what just happened, but it felt so real. I think I was the doctor. Doctor Ahem, I would guess. I don't think we've met any other doctor that I'm aware of. And I met our light. Dun, dun, dun. Whoa, what was that? Where'd that come from? Who's Perilite? We knew her, I think. We did? Her name was Luce Perilite.
Is this any relation to a past, Luz? Let me think back to... Let me reference my dream to see if that's true or not. You remember that Paralite is responsible for the disappearance of the Infinites, as far as you know. But I do not believe you were familiar with the name Luz before then. Right. First order of business. Sordo. Yeah, what do you want? Where's the coffee? You gotta be ki...
We'll get to that in just a second. No, we're not going to get to that in a second. That's first order of business. Don't get your trousers out of twist, you dirt ridden dew drop. Let me give you your mission brief and then we'll get you your ruddy coffee. Capisce? Alright. While you were all snoozing away in that dream memory, or dreamery as Dr. Ahim calls it, he was called away on urgent business and the doctor wanted me to relay that he thinks you sad excuses for bipeds are ready for your first mission.
I might be embellishing some of that a little bit. Anyways, listen up, because the following is top secret. I trust you know what that means. Great. Your first mission is to acquire a rare item in the town of Pious Pass. It's an item that Dr. Him thinks will help in your search for the Infinites. You might want to write this down.
You need to go to the local give and take and ask them for the order placed under the name Dr. Ahem. They'll know what it is and then give them 100 gold pieces. Oh, that reminds me. There's a bag of 100 gold pieces on the dresser right there. Don't lose it and don't spend it. Oh, yeah, this might be important. The whole town is experiencing some sort of plague that Paralite might be behind. Yada, yada, yada. Don't get your beard in a twist. I'm coming with you.
I think Gum Gum died in his sleep. Gum Gum, is it hungry? That's the first thing we've heard from Chris this entire episode.
We're 15 minutes into recording. Chris just comes in with a go, go fair. We did just wake up. I think I love it. I, I'm not, I'm not criticizing an ounce of it. We did just wake up in game and in real life as well. It's early in the morning. That's true. My last character wouldn't stop talking. It's a nice juxtaposition between the two. Um,
I got a question, Orby dude, sort of. Sort of. My name's Sort of. Sort of have a question for you. Ooh. Haven't heard that one before. What exactly does this plague do to people? Like, we're going to have to go to the hospital if we contract it? Are we going to die? What does it do to us? All I know is that it's caused a lot of deaths in the town. Don't have too many specifics about it, but that's part of why you're going. Do they deserve it?
How far is Pius Pass? Oh, it's incredibly far away, but we can take the Emers Gateway to get there super quick. Are the pies savory or sweet? No one respond. What? No, no. Pius. P-Y-O-U-S. Pius. Oh, savory. Got it. Stupid. Stupid.
Oh, three-day weekend. What's the gateway? It's here in town. It's how the Infinites travel to the realms to get the missions and a Jiffy. And we'll be allowing you to use it to get the Pious Pass. Is it like a Stargate? I mean, out of game, metagame, yeah, it kind of is. I'll say, yeah, it really kind of is.
Right. You did say something about coffee. All right, all right, you moaning mule. Let's get you coffee. And then we're heading straight over to Immerse Gateway. Duncan! Hey, Duncan! Can you help us out? Did you say someone named Duncan? Yeah, the little dragon that you all helped in your task. Oh, he actually exists? Yeah.
I didn't... Well, I didn't know. Everybody that was in those rooms just disappeared when we fixed their puzzle. But then remember the robots came back? Okay. At an indent. Okay, cool. I like Duncan. Suddenly, Duncan comes into the room pushing a tiny rolling coffee cart and says... Hey there, friends. Did someone order a cup of Duncan's sleepless bean brew? Oh, absolutely. Can I get it with ice, please? Because I'm cold as ice. Uh, ice? Huh. I don't. I only know how to make it hot. What...
What are you good for then, Duncan? Hey, just hand me your coffee. What's your name again? Kyborg? Kyborg, sorry. Hand me your coffee, Kyborg. Oh, you've got ice? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, here you go, here you go. Gives me mud cast ice knife and drops ice knife into his coffee to give him cold brew. I'll make ice. I'll do the sound design for this part because I have my cold brew right here.
Crap, I have a spell that says shape water. I can freeze water. Yeah, not coffee though, sorry. There's water in coffee! Yeah, but it's coffee now. Once it gets brewed, sorry. You gotta listen to God. It's okay. I have the knife in my coffee and I stir it. But there's gotta be water around here somewhere. I can make little cubes. Hey mud, still putting dirt in your brew? Obviously. Is there another way to have coffee? Oh, right, right. Let me just write that down in the cup here.
Maybe I can get a wider selection of soil for you next time. Ooh, special dirt. But sorry, Kyborg, I just don't know how to do the whole ice thing. Seems like a fad. Gum-Gum spits into his hand and says, here's water. I can't work with that. Gum-Gum, you're awake. All right, so is everyone here satisfied with their coffee orders? No. I haven't had a chance to put an order in. I've been, uh...
Just watching this stuff go down. Oh, geez. I'm sorry, Bart. What kind of brew can I get you? I'm going to take a triple espresso. Ooh, the strong stuff. Bart's going to be vibrating the rest of the day. Oh, yeah. If I recall from a past life, RTX circa 2014, 2015, McDonald's latte. Yeah. Incorrect. Egg white McMuffin. Oh, that's correct. Okay. All right. Egg white delight. Does McDonald's have egg whites? Egg white delight, baby. I don't know if they still have it.
Bart will find out. McDonald's, give us some of that sponsorship money. What kind of coffee do I like?
Let's get Gum-Gum a hot chocolate. Gum-Gum's a big decaf guy. Right away, one decaf, yuck, and one hot cocoa for Gum-Gum. Do they have, like, cute cups with the name of the Infinites, like, written on the side? I mean, they do, but you all aren't the Infinites. Yeah, you all are just the interns, so you get, like, the general mugs. Does Duncan serve donuts? Mm-hmm. Uh-huh.
No, just coffee. Okay, all right. You're getting your day started with Dunkin'. Dunkin' Donuts, get in touch with us for sponsorship opportunities. Fight over it with McDonald's. Yeah. All right, you guys, make your way north just beyond the Infinite's HQ to a lofty stone tower. You cross a wooden bridge to an iron front door with a purple pulsating infinity symbol that dims as you approach. You hear the door actually automatically unlock as you approach it.
Yeah, like a grocery store. It doesn't open. It just unlocks. Quick question. Apologies to interrupt, but do any of us take those 100 gold coins? I'll say I got it. I'm glad someone remembered finally. Good job, Bart. Bart, do you have an inspiration? Oh, you do already. Okay. I do. Do you want to split it even? 20, 20, 20, 20?
I don't know why I said it like that. We're using it as a lump sum to buy this piece. Do you really think 100 gold splits into 20, 20, 20, 20? Yeah, 520s.
You said four. 20, 20, 20, 20. Well, there's only four of us, so you might want to do 25 per person. No, no, no. I take the finder's fee. I don't know where I'm going with this. You only want 20? I'll take 30. You're going to... I was thinking Jessica was here, all right? Rest in peace. Jeez.
Mud's got it. All right. Mud has the sack of 100 gold. I'm glad Mud and Bart collaborated to remember that. We're the buddy system. You're standing before this iron front door that is unlocked. Do you all want to enter? Mud just goes in. The air feels unusually moist and cool and smells a bit dank. You step into a circular stone room, which is rather dim, but you're able to make out a stone ramp that leads up to a stone archway covered in teal glowing glyphs.
Yeah. Yes.
What resounding enthusiasm. I can't wait for you all to get right to work.
Is that the gateway? Yes! That's why I've summoned you all here. Welcome to the Emus Gateway, our own personal portal to the many realms of Phaser. It's quite simple to use. When you're ready to embark, simply step up to the archway, announce your destination, and step through. Question for you, Doc. This is going to go wrong in every way possible. Question?
If we go through this portal, do we come out on the other side with our clothes on or do we, is it only organisms like living stuff, tissue that goes in? Because I happen to be a cybernetic organism. That's a really good question for you then. What would you do? Make a insight check. Insight, yes, yes, yes. Is this Terminator rules or is this Doctor Strange rules? What kind of teleportation are we talking about here? About 20. Because I just rolled a 20. Wow.
You think that there is no malice behind Dr. Ahem's word and that there is no trick to this, that you'll come through just fine. Great. Continue, Dr. Ahem. I definitely vote that Kaibora goes through first. Yeah. As the brave leader of the group, I accept. Send him through with a fly. You keep believing that, my friend. Send him through with a fly and see what happens. Classic Jeff Goldblum there.
Yes, well, I believe the package you are retrieving will help us find the Infinites. It's related to last night's experiment. The Dreamery, as I've come to call it. It allows a subject to experience a procured memory as a sort of dream. I've been working on it for some time, but I seem to be missing some necessary elements.
I digress. The sooner you retrieve the package, the closer we are to finding the Infinites. Do we get to know what the package is or are we just going to give and take and saying, "Please give us Dr. Ahm's package"? Precisely, Mud. That's all you need to do. I'm afraid it's best not to broadcast this rare of an item out loud. How big is the package? I'd say no bigger than a bread box.
Haven't heard that reference in a while. I was trying to remember. It took me a second to remember it. I was like, oh, how did that go? That sounds like an old man reference there. It is very much an old man reference. It was when old men used to play games like 20 questions. Yeah.
Why was that the reference of like the middle point of size? Breadbox. Bigger. I'm looking at, I'm Googling it now. No one even has a breadbox anymore. I didn't even know what that, I didn't know that was a reference. Popularized by Steve Allen when he was a panelist on the TV quiz show, What's My Line? Everyone remembers Steve Allen, right? Oh yeah, sure, yeah. Everyone remembers What's My Line. Okay. Okay.
One last reminder, interns. Teamwork is the key to it all. If you look out for each other and all come back home, then that's a successful mission in my book. Best of luck, fate, and fortune be with you all.
Is 3 out of 4 coming home still a passing grade? Hmm... 75% I suppose that's accurate, but let's shoot for that A+, shall we? Yeah, okay, good. Right, let's go. Let's go. Who are we expecting to lose?
Anybody but you and me, Bart. You guys remember the gold. You all are obviously the brains behind this operation. Yep. I mean, look at the team. Go guinea pig. I mean, cyborg. You all step up to the gateway. It seems to be kind of pulsating and glowing. I want to do a backflip through it. Yep. Don't forget, they said to announce your destination.
I'm mad that you just reminded that I wanted him to black backflip through his portal without having said his destination. You've robbed this from me guys. I don't have a plan for that. And I don't want to get into that. That's why I said, that's why I said it. What if I say like Las Vegas or something? What was it? Pious, pious place. No one help him. I step up. I walk up there.
I make sure that my arm, my prosthetic arm is nice and attached so I don't lose it. And I mumble, and then I do a backflip into it. I roll an athletics check. It is a nat 20. Boom. It's a 26.
It's the sweetest backflip. It's triple backflip. Wow. Okay. He's so athletic, it makes his brain smarter, too, that he could remember the place he's going. Yeah. That's right. Kyborg steps up to the gateway, mumbles something incoherent under his breath, and as he begins his backflip, you hear a noise emanate from the gateway. Kyborg does a backflip and hits the gateway and slides down to the ground. Thank you. Sweet.
K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-
Let's see that. Let's see that athletics check, GumGum. What is GumGum's athletics? We'll find out. 27. Pretty good, apparently. Oh, wow! Jeez! That's a nat 20. And it plus a 27. That's a 27, yeah. GumGum nails a backflip. You don't see the last part of it because GumGum starts his backflip. When he's at the apex of his jump, he disappears through the gateway.
Farts. Do we have to say it each of us or can we just go through it? No, you can go through it. You still see the blurry landscape in the gateway. I push everybody and I do a backflip again. Let's see it. Not bad. 21. 21 is pretty good. All right. Kyborg starts his backflip and he also disappears at the apex of his jump through the gateway. All right, Bart. I'm going to go through and then you're going to do a thrust fall through the gateway, okay? Bart makes his own decisions. Bart is Bart's boss.
Go for it. I'm supporting you in your own decisions. Bart wants to do a cartwheel into a somersault through the portal. So it's the cartwheel on the front part, like you cartwheel up to it, then you somersault through it? Exactly. Gotcha. All right. I guess what is that? I guess you can do performance, right? Or whatever you want. Performance or athletics. We'll do performance. 11.
Bart does a very sad cartwheel. It kind of hurts his shoulder as he transitions into a somersault going through the portal. He screams just as he's entering through it. It hurts! I should have stretched. Mud is too big to be doing this kind of stuff, so Mud just walks through. Mud goes through and the whole party is reunited.
Your feet sink a few inches into the ground as cold sand begins to creep in between your toes. You're surrounded by towering, rusty red canyon walls that look to be blocking the morning sun. A quick glance around you leads you to believe you're standing at the heart of a town on the main road. Sweet. We need to go find the give and take. It looks like on either side of the main road, there's pairs of wood-planked buildings separated by small alleys.
Behind you at the southern end of the road is a smaller but fortified building, and ahead of you at the northern end of the road is a circle of monoliths. Directly in front of you in the center of town is a stone water well with a plaque and a wooden signpost. I would like to go read the plaque. Yeah, me too. Etched into the top of the plaque reads, Welcome to Pius Pass, y'all. It's got a framed, faded portrait of five orange mantis-like humanoids. The caption reads, The Founding Pies of Pius Pass.
Govurns, Swapmate, Chaseness, Berrytoon, and Caravans. What is this race? Pies. Don't y'all know pies? No. They're mantis-like humanoid creatures. Okay. Cool. And there's also a signpost with six wooden arrows pointing north and south with the names of the different buildings here in the town.
Could you tell us what the arrows say? I sure can. Thank you for asking, Mud. The North Arrows are labeled Bardbershop, Pump House, Stables, Chapel. The South Arrows are labeled Give and Take, Jailhouse, and Lil' Pecker. Lil' Pecker. Well, I know where I want to go.
Where? I guess we have a choice here. Do we actually do the mission or do we just go and faff about in Pious Pass? Faff. Faff. If we don't go to the barber shop, I don't know what we're doing. All right. Let's go to the barber shop. You can totally go to the barber shop and I'll get to that in just a second. But I want to say just for your own knowledge, it seems like most of the shops in town maybe haven't opened up yet. It's pretty quiet and empty at this point. Oh, okay.
But you do head over to the barbershop and the doors are locked and there's a sign on the door that reads next performance starting soon. Performance. It's not a barbershop. It's a bard. Yes. What do we do to kill some time? Did you guys not hear that when he said it? I didn't even make that connection. It's I'm running slow.
Uh, well, wait, where are we supposed to go? We're supposed to go to those. Bart, roll me a perception check. All right. Coming in hot. 17. Ooh, you catch a glimpse into one of the windows at the bar to per shop. And it looks like inside there's four pies that look very similar tuning up and practicing on musical instruments. Delicious. This is the mantis people. Pies that are playing instruments? Yes.
Did I hear that correctly? Pies, like a P-Y-E-S, like the mantis humanoids. Just to be clear here. Definitely thought it was like apples and cherry pies, just like tuning up a drum or something like that. Okay. Pies. To the chapel! All right, we're going to church. Let's do this. I want to go to give and take. How are you? I like gum gum's purity.
He just wants to get through the episode. Eight stone monoliths stand in circle. In front of each stone is a wooden pew. In the center of the circle is an ivory altar, a small bonfire, and a box labeled Alms. Outside the circle near each canyon wall are lines of graves. Gum Gum wants to take his magic wand, which is his big long stick. Go on. Hold it up to the altar and then
Trying to connect with his dad, magically. His dad, magically. Okay. Was this written into your storyline there, Gus? It was not, but let's make an arcana roll. Let's play in this space. Oh, a nine. It was a 12 minus three. Yeah, I love that you have a negative three.
You close your eyes and you point your wand at the ivory altar. It's like you're thinking thoughts of your dad, like trying to connect with him on a metaphysical level. Yeah, and he goes, Boomba. That's the name that he's given this wand. Oh, okay. So Gum-Gum reaches out. You hear him utter, Boomba. But you can't quite seem to tune anything in, Gum-Gum. You only hear the wind whistling between the canyon walls. Oh, my dad is wind.
Alternatively, your dad likes to whistle. Or his dad passed when he farted on him. I just want to know, a single tear, Gum-Gum cries a little and tries to hide it. Make a deception roll, Gum-Gum. Okay.
Oh, 17. Yeah, no one notices the tear rolling down Gum-Gum's cheek. He quickly wipes it away. Gum-Gum, I feel like maybe if you put a little bit more effort into it and try one more time, we might be able to get something this time. Try it out, Gum-Gum. Okay. I got a zero. You got a zero? It's a three minus three. It's a zero. Behind Gum-Gum, under his breath, Mud casts Earth Tremor.
Gum Gum, you've... Oh, wait, does he have to make a save on that? Yeah, I guess technically he does. Yeah. As that happens, Bart comes over and goes, Gum Gum, it's me, your dad. Dad? All right, well, in that case, Gum Gum and Bart both have to make dexterity save throws. Roll dex. 10. 14. Gum Gum takes damage. Yeah.
Roll... I guess I gotta roll for damage. Only one. Only one. Just one. He's also prone. Gum-Gum, you take one damage. You fall to the ground and you hear a voice saying... Gum-Gum, it's me, your dad. I love you. Dad? I miss you. Why did you leave me? Oh. Um...
Bart was not prepared to answer this. I had to go to that farm I also took your dog at years ago. Oh, I had a dog? Yes, Gum Gum. His name was Rum Rum. Oh, my Miss Rum Rum. And you, Dad. It's okay. You'll be okay, little boy. I wish I had met you. Right, we never met, yes. Totally knew that. You feel good about this?
Alright, see you later. Whoa, what a magical experience. Wow, that was weird. Kyborg is just looking at Bart with disbelief and just shaking his head. Just disappointed. Bart takes that as not a shaking a head, disappointed shaking head, but shaking a head is like, wow, wow. Unbelievable. Gum-Gum gets up and kisses his wand.
Gum, gum gives Bumba a little peck. He's flexible. The Bard Burr Shop and the chapel were up here. What was the other place that was up north? Up north was also the Hump House Stables. Nice. Well, we might as well just waste all the time possible and go to Hump House Stables, right? Hump House. Hump House. All right. Let's go to Hump House Stables.
You all head over to the Hump House stables, and once again, the doors are locked, and there's a sign on the door that reads, Out on delivery. Be back soon. Bummer. What are the other two places that we can go to before going to the place that we need to go to? The other places down to the south on the other side of town were the jailhouse and Little Pecker. Little Pecker! All right, let's go. It's probably closed, right? Which one is the give and take, though?
Oh, the give and take's also south. I just didn't say it because he said yes for the other two places. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. And I'm sorry, where did y'all want to go? What is the Little Pecker? We're heading down there. I bet it's a bar. Okay, you head down to the Little Pecker and yeah, it's a, like Blaine said there, it's a saloon. However, the doors are locked and there's a sign on the door that reads open at midday. Dang it. Midday.
But if it's those doors that are like swinging saloon doors, then I could still like, you know, crawl underneath them, right? Unfortunately, there is no way to get in through the doors at the moment. I'm guessing that we're going to have to go to give and take to progress time so we can see these establishments. Hey, we did a lot of the chapel. We did way more of the chapel than I think they were prepared for. So I'm proud of us. What if we went to the jailhouse? Yeah.
We should. Let's go to the jailhouse. I hate you guys. Listen, you give us options, we're going to go through all the options. Guys, I'm going to predict that the jailhouse is closed. Yes. They'll be back later. Maybe midday. What did they do with all the prisoners when they closed? All the prisoners will be back midday.
You walk up to the jailhouse and there is actually a pie standing outside. Just for reference, just to be clear, one more time. Apple, cherry, pumpkin. Pies are the mantis-like creatures. Oh. Yeah, there is a pie standing outside on the front porch in front of the jailhouse. I want to go talk to him. She looks at you as you walk up and gives you a nod. And then I curtsy.
And I say, hey, how's it going? Nice. Smooth. Yep. She looks at you, tips her hat and says, fine. Just waiting for Sheriff Gov to return. Said she had urgent business. I see. What kind of business do you have with the sheriff? Well, I'm her deputy. Oh, can I get deputized? You haven't even introduced yourself. My name's Kyborg. Can I get deputized? She looks you up and down and says no. All right.
Alright, well thanks for your time then. I guess I've wasted enough of it. See you later, friend. Ah, I see I made a friend, guys. Aren't you glad we stopped at the jailhouse? Yep, made a friend. We found Gum Gum's dad. Let's go to give and take. I think we've wrapped everything up in this town. I think we can go out. Should we just go back to the gateway? I think we can get into the episode right there.
Alright, well thanks for listening everybody. Hope you enjoyed this episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Make sure you follow us on social media at StinkyDragonPod. Just kidding. Just kidding. But you should do that. Alright, let's go to the in and out. Listen. Give and take. Let's go to the give and take. Bart himself considers himself more of a giver than a taker. Gotcha. Wink. Write that down in your character sheet. More of a giver. We'll go to little peckers later.
You got to be careful because I get the distinct feeling that Kyborg is more of a taker than a giver. Oh, definitely. Kyborg only takes. Yeah. No give, only take. I get mine. No give. Give and take. We're going. What's there? We guys walk up to the give and take trade out post. The doors are locked and there's a sign on the door that reads, be back in 30 minutes. But as you walk up, a pie comes out from inside the building and takes the sign down, unlocks the doors.
And says, come on in. Lovely. Guys, I think that pastry just spoke to us. Stop. I hold the door open for everybody and I say, go ahead, guys. Go ahead. Well, the doors swing open and the smell of freshly baked cookies washes over you as you enter this bustling shop filled with the hubbub of high spirited haggling and a menagerie of merchandise.
Along the walls are shelves of quality but familiar products and weapons you've seen in your own travels. But in the center of the room are a handful of glass display cases with rarer and more exotic items. Guys, reminder, we have 100 coins. Or was it 500 coins? 100 gold pieces. Sordo chimes in and says, you've got to be kidding me.
Don't spend it. Not going to lie. Forgot you were here. Sordo, listen, if you hadn't said that, we probably were going to buy the right thing. But now you've told us what we're supposed to do. And I have to let you know that this group is very much inclined to not do what they're told to do. Sordo begins his alarm sequence again. Beep, beep, beep, beep. Don't spend it.
Gum-Gum goes up to the thing and, can we get the package? To the person? Yeah. The pie? The pie. She's a grinning pie wearing a tweed waistcoat and a brown bowler hat. At the moment, she's actually bartering with a customer at a maple desk in the back. But she does smile at you, Gum-Gum. She gives you a toothy smile, a few of which are shining with adamantite. She excuses herself from the client and comes over to you, Gum-Gum, with a plate of warm chocolate chip cookies. Oh. Oh.
Is this the package? She says, howdy, traveler. The name's Chick. Chickmate. Nice. Where do you hail from? From over there. Oh, okay. And you're asking about a package? Yeah. Do you got the package for us? You got to be a little more specific, friend. What package are you looking for? Say who it's from, Gum Gum. It's from for us, from a
Ahem. Doctor. Oh, the package for Doctor Ahem! Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, I'm terribly sorry, friend, but that order's not quite in yet. It'll be here tomorrow morning. It's coming in via camel, thanks to Caravans over at Hump House Stables. She's just not quite here yet. Took a little longer than expected to get this special delivery. What is it? Of the utmost importance, I'm not allowed to open the package myself, so I can't tell you that, but you'll be able to tell once it arrives.
Okay. In the meantime, can I interest you in anything else? Cookies. Cookies? She hears you say that. She walks over to you with her plate of warm chocolate chip cookies. Do you have any milk, madam? Oh, we can make a deal for some milk if you like. Okay. I'm all ears.
Kyber can't possibly have his cookies without milk. We all know this. No, yes. I can't. I always turn left and I always drink milk with cookies. These are things written on his character sheet. We'll give you a nice glass of milk for the unbelievably low price of one silver piece. One silver piece. Let me take a look at my equipment. You know what? I can spare a silver piece. Yeah, let's do that. Deal.
Okay, she also supplies you with a nice glass of milk. Ah, yes, yes, yes, yes. Do you have any magic items for people who do magic? So we got some rare inventory if you're interested in it. Why don't you step on over here? She guides you over to a separate display case. There's three different display cases side by side. And she says, here we have our combat display case. Right over here, we have our exploration display case. And the last one down on the end here is the social display case. Exploration?
Oh, okay. We got a couple items here for your pleasure. I don't know why I said that. Let me think of a better word. We got a couple items here for you to look over. We got a gopher and we got a whistle of Noma. What's a whistle? Oh. He's interested because his dad whistles. Are you a friend to all fauna but don't know where to find them? You try the whistle of Noma. It'll take your breath away at how quickly it finds you a new furry friend. Oh.
What's the other one? Gopher. The Gopher. Misplaced your favorite belt? Meet Gopher. This metal beaver will get you anything you just can't seem to find. You just wind him up, tell him what you want, and watch him go. Is that a one-time use? I guess you're there with Gum Gum as well, asking about this? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She says, oh, no, you can use a Gopher over and over. Oh. I have a fresh milk mustache, by the way. How much I need the Gopher?
Oh, you can have it for the low price of 30 gold pieces. Oh my god. Sir, please don't. Guys, I need to borrow 20 gold. We don't got it. That's a note from a... I nudge Gum Gum and I say, Haggle. Haggle, bro. How much? I have 10. Make a charisma check. Do you want backflip? Nine. And then I do a backflip.
Please roll for the backflip. I want to see 19. 19 for the backflip. Gum Gum low balls chick and does an impressive backflip. And she says, well, that's mighty impressive, young fella. But no, unfortunately, the price is firm at 30. That's just curious. How much for the whistle? We've just marked that down. That's only 100 gold pieces. Oh, my God. Holy hell. What do you have for 10?
Well, you'd probably be looking for more of a mundane item then. Maybe these items are a little too rich for you. Okay. Can we look at the combat case? Oh, yeah, of course. We got a couple items in here for you. We got a jumping jav and a brew bow. Okay. Well, none of those things sound like real things, so you're going to have to tell me what they do. Oh, cardboard. Well, a jumping jav. Well, you want to get hot...
Yeah. Tell me more. Just blaze. You want to get high? There's a word missing there. I never realized until right now. It made me laugh. Okay. Want to get high above your allies and nemesis? Hop aboard the Jumpin' Jab. It's a spring-loaded spear that'll really take you places. Just step into the Jumpin' Jab foot joists and launch yourself into a whole new world for ages three and up. So it's a spear? Yeah.
It looks like it's a pogo stick javelin. Yeah, I think like a javelin. Oh, so theoretically I could jump in the air and then come down and stab somebody with the other end of it. Exactly. And then jump back up into the air. That's so cool. And I'm guessing it's probably, I would say that that's about two gold pieces. Am I right? Is that how much money you have? No. How poor are you guys?
Very. Very poor. Okay. Do you have money or something, Mud? Why do you frame that as you guys? Yeah, where did you get money from? That's for me to know and you to find out. You just inherited 100 gold coins. No, we've all been playing this game at the same time as each other in the same levels, so I don't know how you got more money all of a sudden. You just outed yourself as the 1%, Mud. Yeah. Tax him. We eat him. Tax him.
Chick smiles and says, no, unfortunately, it's a little more than two gold pieces. This baby here is a steal at only 20 gold. Oh, my goodness. Can I have 10 gold, please, please, please? Okay. What's the other one? I want to know what the other one is. Make a charisma check, Gum Gum. Oh, God. I'm learning I can't haggle. My charisma actually is negative in this game, so there's no way I'm ever haggling. That's why I got Bart here, baby.
13? No, she says, I'm sorry, sweetie. This is 20 gold. Can I borrow 10 gold, please? I have a question, Chick. So clearly we're going to have to hang around here for another day, you're saying, right? Yeah, tomorrow morning we'll have that package ready for you. Is there a chance that you have some sort, any sort of tasks that we could do in order to earn maybe some store credit? Credit? We don't have credit at this store.
All right, I tried. I tried. All right, Bart steps up, and he casts Minor Illusion. Oh, no. Oh, Christ. We're casting spells. We don't even know what the other thing does. He holds it. Bart's very small, and he wants something that can make him get higher. He loves getting high, so. You want to buy the jumping jab? Yeah.
So he attempts to cast Minor Illusion to create 20 gold pieces in his hand. You're doing the money trick again? We have to be here for 24 hours. It's going to disappear. Last time we did this, we got an arch enemy out of it. How much money do you have? We can go halfsies? Halfsies. What's mine is yours, Gum Gum. Mostly because you ride on top of Gum Gum most of the time. We'll see if this works first.
All right. So you created 20 gold. You create them like in the palm of your hand or like what's the details here? Yeah. In the palm of my hand. Okay. And now what do you do with your 20 illusionary gold? I hand them to Chick and say, I'll take that jumping javelin little guy there.
Mud is backing away and knows how this is going to end. I find something by the window that I'm very interested in and I walk towards it. Oh, that is interesting. I will join you. Sorry, got to do my stuff here. He's looking up to see what jail cell you're going to have to go into.
You hand over the 20 gold to Chick. She looks at them and says, I'm sorry, we're going to need real money if you want to buy anything here at the give and take. But it is real money. And Bart does like a little like hand wavy thing. Like a Jedi. She just looks at you, furrows your brow a bit, a little confused and says, no, I'm sorry. This may be real money where you're from, but this isn't real money here.
Bart goes, all right. He turns around defeated and then to himself, he goes, stupid minor illusion, not doing the proper currency in the place we're at. I walk back and I want to know what that other thing in the case is. That's not the pogo stick of death.
Oh, the brew bow. Do you enjoy casting spells, but you're having trouble in the magic department? Try the brew bow. It's a top of the line crossbow that launches potions toward friends or foes. It comes with a premium leather belt, six reusable canisters, and two deluxe starter potions. Gotta say that's pretty cool. And it's also up my alley because I am the archer. How much is it? I'm guessing. Sounds very expensive. I would say that that comes in retail, MSRP, one and a half gold coins.
You're going lower! Oh, if this was The Price is Right, you would definitely not be called on stage. Oh, no. I'm sorry, for a fine archer like yourself, you'd appreciate quality craftsmanship like this for the low, low price of 85 gold pieces. Hey, Mud, can I borrow 10 gold, please? No, you may not. Please, please, please. I'll pay you back. I promise.
It's a tempting offer, but I've learned do not loan money to friends. It just never ends well. But I won't be your friend if the hell...
It's a very tempting offer as well. But no, not today. Not today, my boy. You know, Gum Gum, I'm pretty sure that Bart's got 20 gold pieces in their hand right now. But you... Ah, yes. Here you go, Gum Gum. He hands Gum Gum the illusioned coins. We have to get out of this store. We have to get out of this store. Gum Gum, make an intelligence check. Or actually, investigation. I'm sorry, investigation. It's a zero.
He got three minus three. Bart just put 20 gold in your hand. You can't believe it. Oh my God. I have fuck up money. See, this is why we're best friends. Because you lie to him so well. I'll do anything for you, Gum-Gum. So will I, Gum-Gum. Dad? I'm so confused. Gum-Gum's so confused right now.
Guys, I think we're really good at D&D. I would say so. This is what D&D is all about. Yeah. I guess Gum puts the money down on the thing. It's just one poke, one stick, bouncy stick. I'm sorry, sweetie. I already told your friend over there. That's not real money here. Oh, okay.
I do have a question, Chick. Go for it. It seemed that the other establishments in the city are a little closed. Do you know when the Butterbrush Shop opens? That should be open midday or so. Do you have the time right now? Oh, it's still really early. At this point, it's still really early in the morning. You all woke up early where you were, got your coffee and came straight over here. It's still early morning. We do have one more case to look at. Are you going to look through the case? I mean, what's in there? What's in there?
Well, over here, the last case is the social display case. We got the shawl of skedad and colossal cloud coffee. I'll cut to the chase. Are any of those things in that case lower than two gold each? No, friend. Those would be mundane items that you're looking for in that case. Right. Right. Okay. I really thought the colossal cloud coffee was going to get Mudd's attention. All right. What's the coffee? What's the coffee? Tell me what the coffee is.
Oh, having a giant case of the Mondays? Try Colossal Cloud Coffee and watch your day whiz by in a blur. Make sure you ask your doctor if Colossal Cloud Coffee is right for you. Wait, what's that mean? You fast forward through time? How much? This is an extremely rare item from the far off lands of Columbia. It's available for the low price of 80 gold pieces.
Right? So we can't afford that unless we use the money that we brought for the knickknack. Reminds me of when I was a kid going to GameStop. I'm just going to say it. At this point, you all notice there's a short pie dressed in milky white robes, taps chick on the shoulder with an ivory staff.
Chick turns to greet her. Well, good morning, Mother Abby. Sorry I didn't see you there. Friends, here, this is Mother Abby. She's our local priest. She hasn't been with us very long, but she's already been such a blessing during these trying times of the curse. She's been able to heal so many pies.
Delicious. I hate you guys. It's funny just every time. Mother Abby blushes and a wrinkled, frail smile comes across her face. What happens when people get sick? Oh, they become terribly ill and eventually they pass away. Chick says, excuse me, folks, while I help Mother Abby here. They step to the side of everyone and you overhear the priest's brittle voice asking for firewood and chapel supplies.
Then Chick laughs and says loud enough for you to hear, Nonsense, Mother Abby, it's on the house. A year-loud bang and the front doors break off their hinges and slam to the floor. Whoa. A shadowy silhouette slinks through the frame, spurs clinking with every step. Stepping in from the light is a tall, squinty-eyed pie wearing slate leather boots, a long charcoal duster, and a suede, smoky gray Stetson hat. A silver three-sided star pinned to her coat reads, Sheriff.
Chick exclaims, Sheriff Gov, what's the meaning of... The sheriff replies, Shut it, Chick. I'm here for the preacher. The sheriff stares daggers at Mother Abby for a moment, then pulls manacles out from her coat. Mother Abby, you're under arrest for the murder of Pat Ernst. Oh! My daughter. Sheriff Gov walks over to Mother Abby and cuffs her and begins escorting her out of the store. Bye. Can I be deputized? Ha ha ha!
The crowd in the store are all murmuring with excitement. Nobody can believe what they're seeing. Sheriff Gove says, "I've made up my mind. Folks, there will be a hearing in the morning in front of the jailhouse, and until then, no one, and I repeat, no one is to enter the jailhouse." Chick pleads with you all, "Please stop, Sheriff Gove. Mother Abby never hurt a soul."
We should go in the jailhouse. I mean, we all just met you guys like five minutes ago. We really are not great judges of character at the moment. So who's to say? I feel like if we get too involved with this, we might miss the barbershop. I feel like we maybe have to get involved with this as it's happening right before our very eyes. Yeah, we're heroes. We should go save them.
Well, this is the law. The law is always right, John. Yeah. They're never wrong. Infallible. Yeah. Cops are great. Chick says, I'll give you store credit. Anything. Please. Okay. Wait. Chick is offering store credit if we stop this? Yeah. If you help convince the sheriff to not take Mother Abby. All right. How bad do you guys want your items? So bad. I want to do it. Wait. Hold on. Bart runs for it.
And says, what evidence do you have against Mother Abby to prove that she is the murderer? I'll present my evidence to the judge. Well, funny enough, I am the judge. Bart casts Minor Illusion on himself. Bart begins using Minor Illusion, which is a spell I hate now. What are you going to do with that spell, Bart? Bart turns himself into a judge. It's like one of those big black robes.
And those like white, curly old man haircut judge head things. It's a wig. Make yourself a female pie. Just as an observation. I don't know if that would hold up for my illusion.
All right, so before your eyes, Bart transforms to apparently a judge from the 1800s, maybe? Or from the UK? 1800s UK. What do you say, Bart? I slam a gavel down onto the table and I go, I object. Present your evidence to prove this priestess is guilty of said crimes.
Make a performance check, Bard. I was going to ask, what's your performance? It's plus five. All right. He's a Bard. 17. 17. That's really good. Two arrests. Go ahead and make me a dexterity saving throw. All right. Dex. Shatters the glass case that he just hit the gavel on. 17 as well.
Sheriff Gov quickly tosses two throwing stars at you, which hit you and knock you out of the way. You take seven points of damage. Oh, my God. All right. Bart is hurt. Sheriff Gov says, I don't have time for this. She reaches into the back of her coat and pulls out what looks like a grenade. What the hell kind of sheriff is this? Either I go or we all go. Sheriff's bad. Sheriff's bad. Sheriff's bad. Ha ha ha ha.
Hey, Sordo, do you have any insight to give us to what's happening right now? Well, it would appear the sheriff has a grenade, you clump of compost. Sheriff Goff suddenly tosses the grenade into the center of the room and everything goes black. What? We died? That's the end of the show? That escalated.
Well, thanks for listening, everybody. Hope you enjoyed Tales from the Stinky Dragon. We're going to re-roll new characters next week. Yeah, everyone make new characters. We're going to see where the show goes. I'm just kidding. It's the end of this episode, but not of the show overall in general. So hopefully you enjoyed this. We'll be back again next week with another episode. You'll find out what is the fate of the party. Did they suffer damage from the grenade? Will they be able to rescue Mother Abby? Find out next time. ♪