Chapters
Shownotes Transcript
This podcast is supported by FX's English Teacher, a new comedy from executive producers of What We Do in the Shadows and Baskets. English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job, while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.
♪
High above the misty Elderpine forests and the icy waters of Sheerlake lies Bolderay, a quaint alpine village nestled on the peak of the towering Voss Highlands, merely one realm in a sea of domains that make up the world of Faiza. But Bolderay is no ordinary settlement. No, this is the esteemed home of the legendary Infanites, a brave foursome that answers the plights of countless realms from every kind of peril. Without them, children would go hungry, wars would rage for eons, bread would still be unsliced. But
But fear not, as long as the Infinites are around, the world of Faiza is safe. Rumors have begun spreading through the realms that the Infinites are searching for new adventurers to join their ranks. Who would have the wits, nay the fortitude, nay the cojones to answer such a call?
Okay.
Oof turns and asks, and what's your name, young halfling? My name's Bart. Ooh, Bart. Don't wear it out. Let me ask you a question, fair Bart. What's up? What's the best advice you've ever heard? Oh, the best advice I've ever heard. Well, don't get your pandies in a twist. Wise. Very wise. And drink your milk. Ooh, a two for one. Lucky me. He seems very, uh, very pleased to hear it.
Oof turns toward the hulking half-orc sitting next to Bart. And you, why precisely are you traveling to Boulderay? Chris does know his name is Gum Gum, right? Chris. Chris, are you there? Yeah, my character wasn't listening. Oh, God. Christ alive, Chris!
He says, fair half-orc, sir. What is your name? Gum-Gum. Gum-Gum. He has a quizzical look on his face and says, can't say I've ever heard that name before. Gum-Gum is my orcish name, but my true name is Glyndor, my elvish name.
Oh god. Oof looks slightly puzzled. He ponders and says, well, I have to ask, being half orc and half elf apparently, what is your secret passion? Oh, it's to become the greatest wizard of ever time. I
Ah, that's gum gum for you. I want to follow in the footsteps of my father and become the greatest wizard. Interesting. He was a great elf wizard, the greatest of all time. Ooh, impressive. I'm honored to have such a well-known traveler using my business. Would you like a stick of gum? He puts a stick, he offers out a stick of gum to you. Mm, gum gum. And that's how his name came to be. Do you take the stick of gum? Oh, yes. Mm. Excellent.
And I just eat it with the wrapper. Like you swallow it, you don't chew it? More. He looks a little concerned and he offers you another stick. Bart grabs Gum Gum's chin and tries to remove the wrapper like he would if a dog ate something he wasn't supposed to. All right, drop it. Drop it. There you go. Oof's attention turns to a fit half-elf attempting to do push-ups as the cart travels. Would you rather be a tiny tiger or a giant hummingbird?
Oh, hey, man, I'd rather be a giant tiger. Yeah. We can speak in your native tongue, by the way. I know orc, so we can talk...
Like, you know, mono-y mono-ork-y ork. Oof says, well, that's a kind offer. There's no need to assume that I'm more comfortable speaking in an orkish language. No, no, Oof, it's fine. No, it's fine. This is your cart, your rules. We can talk in ork. It's fine. Well, I would prefer to speak in common if it's all the same to you, sir. Kyborg responds in ork, you got it, dude.
Jesus Christ. He regards you with a quizzical look, but nonetheless, he says, stick of gum? I'm good. I got minty fresh breath. I'm good. Here, here, here. Smell this. Catboy blows in his face. Bart faints. He turns his head to the side and looks back at Bart and says, apologies. I forgot to offer you a stick of gum. Would you care for a stick of gum? Oh, no. I already took some of gum gums.
There are some left on the wrapper. Interesting. We share everything. And finally, Oof turns to the final traveler, a furball sprinkling dirt on two rocks in the palm of his hand. Who are you, kind sir? My name is Mud.
Mud. Mud. That's an interesting... Lots of interesting names in this card. I feel like I learn something every day. Bro, your name is Oof. Well, yeah. But I know that name. I've known that name for years. I've never known Gum Gum. I've never known Mud. And here we are. Gum Gum. Very good, Gum Gum. So, Mud, I have to ask you. I've been wondering ever since you stepped into my cart. If you were a condiment, what would you be and why? That's a good question. Um...
I'd probably be dirt. Dirt's my favorite condiment. That's a good answer. Dirt. Well, I guess when dirt's your favorite condiment, you never run out of it. Oh, it's wonderful. It's everywhere. What do you like to sprinkle your dirt on? You know, rocks and bigger rocks. Okay.
Fascinating. Suddenly, everyone hears a loud pop and the rear left wheel falls off of the wagon, rolls into some bushes on the side of the road. Everyone go ahead and make a dexterity saving throw. Oh, you got it. Oh, my God. Some action. Got a 16. I rolled an 11. Got a 23. 16. Got some good rolls in there, except for mud.
Everyone except for Mud manages to grab onto a part of the wagon and stop themselves from falling out. Mud, however, cannot get a good grasp onto the wagon and he tumbles out the back and he takes two points of road rack damage. Oh no! The guy who likes rocks is now with his people. Just letting everybody know Mud's already pretty hurt. Oh no!
It looks like the aurochs has rolled its front left ankle and he's fallen over to the side. He's growling in pain. Oof jumps up and panics and he's looking at the aurochs very concerned. Oh, this kind of thing always happens. What, your animal just takes a dump? Something always goes wrong. I can never seem to get the hand of it. Mud walks over and casts Healing Word on the aurochs.
Ooh. Selfless. I can cast magic. Okay, Mud...
Does more magic need to be done to this Oryx? I can help. Yeah. Gum Gum pulls out a long, kind of thick rock. What? And then waves it and humming over the Oryx. A long, thick rock. Please describe the shape of this long, thick rock. A spearhead? Imagine eight inches, but sort of teardrop shaped.
But long. An eight inch teardrop shaped rock. Got it. It's long, long. Okay, we get it. Really emphasize that long part of it. But how long is it? This is the one thing my father left me. His magic wand. It's the most powerful object in all of the objects I have. I lean over to Bart and I say, his dad must not have loved him.
He actually never had a dad. He was left at an orphanage. So Mud casts Healing Word and Gum Gum is channeling some kind of arcane spell to assist. Is that correct? Mud is also looking at that rock like he's going to eat it eventually. Yeah, it seems like your spell seems to help. The Aurox does not seem to be as angry or upset. But there is still a wheel missing that has popped off of the cart.
And as this is happening, a small goblin comes around the bend and sees what's happening. And he stops and introduces himself. He says, hello, I'm Bezler. Got a little bit of trouble here. Oh, yes. Bezler. What's up, friend? Yes, we seem to have a little bit of a wheel issue. Not a real issue, just a wheel issue. I don't have a speech impediment, I promise.
Interesting. Do you happen to know where we might be able to procure a wheel? I see it rolled into the bushes just up the road over here. And he points up the road into the bushes and you can see a little bit of wood sticking out. Here, I'll tell you what. I've got a multi-tool to help you fix this. And he reaches into his pack.
and pulls out a little multi-tool and he puts it in your hand, Bart. Yeah, you should be able to use this and get that wheel put back up on there post-haste. Ah, excellent. He heads over to the cart to inspect where the wheel popped off of. Kyborg starts jogging in place and he's like, hey, I'll go get the wheel. I want to show you guys how strong I am. And he's doing shadowboxing because he's just been on a cart all day and he needs to blow off some steam. Gum-Gum walks towards him and gets punched in the face. Oh, God.
I'm so sorry. Who hit me? You guys always need to be kind of looking out your peripheral vision for Gum Gum. He likes to wander. All right. So I guess Bart goes over to the wheel and tries to use the tool to fix it. Yeah, you could. You'll have to bring the wheel back to the cart and then you can use the tool to like reattach the wheel to the cart. Okay.
Kyborg can go get the wheel. I don't mind. Gum-Gum, do you want to come with me? Okay. Let's go. Okay. Kyborg and Gum-Gum head up the road a little bit. They find the wheel exactly where Besler was pointing.
Bart, I guess you hold onto the tool for them to come back? Yes, sir. All right. So yeah, they find the wheel. They pick it up. What do you guys do once you find the wheel? Do you bring it back to the cart? Oh, yeah. I use my great strength to pick it up. And I say, get a load of this. I lift it over my head. I like how this character is just playing. It's not a very heavy wheel. You're able to lift it pretty easily. But still, it looks impressive. Wow. Thanks, Gum-Gum. We're going to be good friends, you and I.
You're impressed just by my athletics? I'll dig that. I like that. I'll tell you what. Kyborg, roll me a perception check. Oh, you got it, bro. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Not perception. An investigation check. Oh, you got it, bro. That is right. Ooh, I'm not good at investigations. Ooh. Okay. That was a five. That was a five. Yep. I see it. Oh, yeah. It's an audio podcast. You rolled a five. Okay.
Yeah, Kyborg finds the wheel, hefts it over his head. It looks really impressive. He brings it back over to the cart. Guys, I'm back with the wheel. Nothing went wrong. Nothing's going on. I didn't investigate a thing.
Bessler walks up to you, Kaibor, he goes, Oh, yep, that's the wheel. If you want to go ahead and pop it onto the cart over there, Bart can use the tool. You guys will be back on your way. All right, this is a very straightforward interaction. Nothing wrong, nothing suspicious. Put this wheel right back to where it was.
Awesome. Let me just fix this guy right here. If you want to try to fix it, go ahead and roll me a dexterity check. Here we go. All right. 22. Oh, wow. Bart really reattaches that wheel. No problem at all. Right back onto the cart. Bart does the whole hand shuffle thing. Yeah.
All right, job's done, fellas. Let's get on a move. Oof says, oh, good. We won't be too late. This is great. I got to keep on time. Bessler puts his hand out and says, nah, if you just give me the tool back, I'll be on my way. Uh, you know, what if
What if I just held on to this tool? Well, it's mine. I would really like to have it back. I actually lost it, so sorry about that. Do you have any money? I wouldn't mind paying the little guy. He says, how did you lose it? I just saw it in your hand a second ago. Ah, well, you know, you can't be too sure what happens out here.
Crazy world we live in, right? He scowls at you, gets real close and says, and puts his hand back out again, puts his left hand on your shoulder and his right hand back out in front of you and says, please just give me back my tool and I'll be on my way. What would I have to do to convince you to leave without asking any further questions, friend? Why don't you go ahead and roll me a persuasion check?
Oh, that's good. Okay. Help yourself. Roll me a perception check, Bart. Bud is very uncomfortable right now and really focusing on this Oryx. Rolled a 10. Bezler gives you a couple of pats on the arm and says, All right. If you feel like you can use it more than I can...
Have fun with it. Then he walks down the cart and gives Kyborg a little pat on the back as well. All right, muscle man. See you down the road. Okay, that didn't seem threatening at all. I'm so sorry if we offended you. I'm not associated with this person as of yet. And he walks up to Gum-Gum, shakes his hand. I'll tell you what. Roll me a d20 with your name, Kyborg. Looking like we got a two. Pretty good. All right.
Bezler walks over to Gum Gum, shakes his hand very enthusiastically and says, You're an interesting one. I've never seen anyone like you. Roll me a d20, Gum Gum. Okay. It does a lot of touching. It's making me feel like we're cursed. Twelve. Okay. Then finally he walks over to...
Bye. Mud. And says, real shame we didn't get to talk more. Shakes your hand as well, Mud. Oh, no, Mud's too focused on the oryx to shake his hand. Okay, he just gives you a little pat on the shoulder as well then. That's fine. You seem like you're real interested in animals. You keep it up there, young fella. Go ahead and roll me a d20 as well.
This guy's very hands-on. What you got? That's a 19. Come at me. Bessler's other hand is in your purse. He's picking your pocket. Mud picks him up.
Roll a like a d20 just to see if you can like touch him like you just to try to grab him. His hands in my pocket. Yeah, but he's going to try to evade. I have a feeling you're the only one who maybe noticed he had his hands in your pocket. I think probably none of us noticed. Bessler manages to quickly dodge out of the way and starts running down the road.
Bye. Get him. He's got his hand in my pocket. He took my stuff, my good rocks. You got it, coach. Okay, Kyborg gives chase. All right, go ahead. And I assume you're trying to also grab him. Oh, yeah. Go ahead and roll a d20 to try to grab at him. All right.
right? Great roll so far today. Gonna go for another one. Is Kyborg running past me when he does that? Let's see. Geographically, he would be coming back. No, because Kyborg was further back towards where the wheel was broken at the back of the cart. So, Bessler would have been running away back down the road in the direction he was going. Rolled a sweet 19. 19. You get a, you grab onto the neck of his shirt and grab hold of him, but he slips out of his shirt and keeps running. So,
So you're left holding Bezler's tunic. Mud casts Entangle on him. Ooh. So if he's grasping weeds, grow up in a 20-foot square area. He needs to succeed on a strength-saving throw, which is 14. Ooh. He made it. Oh!
He disappears. Once the entangles up, he disappears into the brush. You can no longer see him. You know, guys, I realize this all might have started because I wanted to keep this tool. So I apologize. The greed got the best of me. What did he take from me? You look through your purse and realize you're missing some money. I'm looking to see how much you have. I'm poor already. What did he take? I don't think I have any money. Actually, I'm not that poor. Gum Gum's like wide-eyed and walks over to Kyborg.
And looks at the shirt. Where'd he go? Invisible? No, he went into the bushes and then reflecting back on an old commercial from the 80s that somehow I know about. I toss this jersey to him and I say, hey, kid, you can have it.
I would say, Kyborg, you don't have any currency listed on your character sheet. What did he take then? I would say everyone loses two gold pieces. Everyone? How much did I have initially? I only had five. It should be in your equipment. It sure isn't. So let's just call it three then, perhaps, that I had initially? Going in line with everyone else, we'll say you had... I had five. Bart, you had five. So now you have three. Got it.
Three gold. There's a side note. When you're creating your character, there's an option to choose, I think, like how rich or something they are. I don't know if you went through that part. No. Okay. Fits the character. I guess it's a pretty good day because now I have three gold that I didn't have before, but I also would have had five had we not taken embezzlers to multi-tool. Well, yeah.
You never know where this might come in handy. Bart, you're starting to feel kind of tired. Like maybe you want to sit down. All right. How about we hop back in this carriage and continue on and I could take a nap on Gum Gum. It's adorable. Let's do that. Mud gets on the cart. All right. Everyone goes ahead and gets up and oof, counts. One, two, three, four. Great. We've got to go. I've got other clients to pick up and other deliveries to make. Other clients? We didn't book an Uber pool. No.
Nice. He goes, oh, business is very busy. After I'm done with you guys, I've got another set of clients I need to pick up. Oh. Bridal party? Gotta keep busy. That way I can put myself through law school. Oh, very cool. Good for you, Wolf. Yeah. It's just a side gig until I'm done with that. That's great, man. I'm proud of you. An orc lawyer. The world needs more orc lawyers. You know what I mean?
Mr. Oof. The Honorable Oof. That's a judge. Yeah, well, you know, that's where most judges start is as lawyers. So we don't know his aspirations.
You guys continue in the cart for a little longer. You all aren't that far from Boulderay. Before too long, you round a turn. And before you lies the southern gates to Boulderay, a charming village atop the lush Voss Highlands. It appears an enormous crevice divides the town nearly in half with picturesque timber homes and businesses on either side connected only by bridges made of planked wood. The cart stops and Oof says, here you are, Boulderay. Perfect. Thank you. This is the stop. Here's your tip.
What's the tip? Oh, we're paying him? Oh, yeah. That was what we were doing. Bart goes over to Mud and say, hey, do you have any of those rocks that you collected before when you fell out of the cart? No, that stupid little goblin took them all. Ah, damn.
Damn. All right. Well, here you go. Bart rips out a thread from his shirt and says, this is a fine material and it's worth at least three gold. So here you go, sir. Yep. You put the thread in the giant hand of the orc who was driving the cart. And he looks at it and says, would you like a stick of gum? You know what? Sure. I'll take one for the road. He hands you a stick of gum. Well, safe travels, everyone.
He turns the cart around and goes back in the direction he came from. What a lovely man. So you stand at the closed gates, the southern gates of the village of Boulderay. The gates are made of wood and have bands of steel and they are closed.
On either side of the gates are sheer cliffs with a few trees. Guys, I could probably scale this. I'm looking at this. I'm sizing it up. I could probably climb this. What do y'all think? Mud knocks on the gate.
It seems like there was a guard on duty who was asleep on top of a boulder nearby. You knock on the gate and he seems to stir a little bit. He rolls over. Mud has to use the restroom. Can I go in, please? Bart stands up. He goes, I got this. Hey, you! He stirs and kind of rubs at his eyes.
And looks at you and says, oh, hello. Who are you? I'm Bart. We're here to answer the call for interns. There's a job listing. Oh, interesting. And I'm Bart. Good to meet you, Bart. Everyone go ahead and roll me a perception check.
That's a 17 for Mud. 21 for Bart. 12 for Kyborg. 14. Perception check, please. Gum gum, not performance. Staying in character. I like you. Good job. What's your perception modifier? There we go. Oh, his perception modifier is a negative one. It's got 15 there. Good to meet you, Bart. I'm Guard Grattle. You all notice, though, that it seems like
He's where this whoever this guard grattle is. He's wearing a rather unconvincing disguise. It seems like he has a bulbous fake nose that's poorly glued to his face. He says, here, let me take you in. I'll take you into the throne gauntlet tavern. He starts unlocking the gates for you guys. What's wrong with your nose? Well, that's really forward and kind of rude. Maybe that's a prosthesis, bro. Mutt doesn't know what that word is. So Mutt just wants to know what's wrong with his nose. Nothing.
Nothing. It's a perfectly normal nose. Gum Gum, have you ever played the game I've Got Your Nose? I pulled Gum Gum to the side. Yeah, I played Gum Gum. I played Nose. Okay, alright. Go play it with the guard.
Say, I got your nose, and pull his nose. See what happens. Bart intercepts Gum-Gum and goes, listen, Gum-Gum, all right, I know Kyborg is cool and you want to be like him, all right, and you want to be friends with him, but you got to be careful of who you touch without their permission, okay? Okay. Do you want to play got your nose? You know it. Got your nose. Oh, where's my nose? You got it, Gum-Gum. I got it. I got it. Gum-Gum got it. Did you have fun? Yeah.
Kyborg's just uncomfortable at this point. I'm going to take a nap now? What's going on? Okay, so he's opened the door? Yeah, he's working on opening the door. It's taking him just a minute. He's got a lot to go through. All right, well, let me handle this. Mud is further uncomfortable. Sir...
friends and I couldn't help but notice that you seem to have some type of thing on your nose. And me being the curious gentleman that I am, I was wondering if you could tell us more about it. It's just a normal run-of-the-mill nose. Everyone has one. Anyway, just opening up this gate here. Listen, there's no judgment here, all right? We understand everyone wants to look their best. We're just curious. Go ahead and roll me an insight check.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no idea what you're talking about. None at all. He's kind of like turns around and tries to like hide his face from you a little bit as he's working on opening up the gate. This guy seems pretty trustworthy. I think he's telling the truth. Hey, Bart, what's it like just traveling with a bunch of idiots? You OK? Well, you know, I'm used to it. So just part of the course.
He finally managed to open up the gates. Ah, here we go. That's the trick. That'll do it. He lets you guys into the town and re-secures the gate behind you. As you make your way through the village, the tavern's not too far. You pass a couple of buildings. You pass some rather nondescript houses on the left. Then off to the right, the guard grattle points and says, That's the mayor's office over there. Big shot. Real important guy. And you see there's a bunch of villagers hanging out in front of the mayor's office.
And there's also a small group of locals gathered outside blocking the way into the tavern. And guard Grattle points and says, here you go. I've got to go back to guarding the gate, but here's the tavern. If you want to head on in, someone will be here to talk to you shortly. All right. Bye bye. Thanks, Grattle. All right. Thanks, Grattle. Nobody knows us like you do. I don't get it. He glares at you for a second.
Outside of the tavern, there's a small group of young people are huddled around cheering on a pale skinned elf with spiky blue hair, fancy spectacles and a flying snake. He's liberally waving around his gloved hands, casting colorful bursts of fireworks and farting noises at some terrified chickens. He's showing off for the crowd.
Gum-Gum wants to go walk up to him and be like, Hi, I am Galindor. I'm also an elf and good at magic. He looks at you and says, Oh, why do you dare approach the great and powerful Abrink Tussler? Abrink Tussler. Yeah, I'm Gum-Gum. Galindor. Is there any chance Brink is wearing rollerblades?
Kyborg walks in to intercept and he's like, hey, this is Gum-Gum. You don't talk to my guy like this. He's a great wizard. I'm a wizard, yeah. That's right. Brink looks at Kyborg and says, if a dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave his butt and make him walk backwards. You want a GoPro? Dueling any of you would be a waste of my precious time. However, if you are willing to, uh,
wager. Maybe it would be more interesting for me. Let's say 10 gold. Is this like a magic duel or can I just beat you with my fists? What are the terms of this duel? Because I'm down. Brink draws a magical blue square on the ground and says, the rules are the first person to step outside of the blue square loses. I'll accept your challenge. Bar
Bart leans over to Kyborg and goes, Hey dude, I just want to remind you that you have three gold pieces, so if you lose this wager, you're kind of blown. I lean back to Bart and I say, I'm about to have 13 gold pieces. Watch this. Gum Gum touches Kyborg and casts Guidance. You mean Mud touches Kyborg? Mud Mud, whatever my dumb monosomal salatic name is.
Cast Guidance on Kyborg. Okay. What does Guidance do? Guidance gives him a... He can roll a d4 and add the number rolled to one ability check of his choice in the next minute. In my mind...
Mud just patted my butt and did that. And I say, thanks. I needed that. Thanks. Yeah, actually, I like that. All right. I'm ready to go. That is the only way that now that Mud is going to be casting guidance. You stay in the square? That's right, Gum Gum. I stay in the square, apparently. All right. And then I just hold him in the square.
You're like restraining him, holding him in there? Yeah. Okay. Brink looks at Kyborg and says, Well, obviously you want a complete idiot, but some parts are clearly missing. Roll an initiative for me, Kyborg. All right, here we go. Rolling it up. Got a 14. First initiative of our show. Wow. The initial initiative. It is. He goes first. Does he cast Expelliarmus? No.
That has the word spell in it. It does. It's almost like that's why it's in it. Oh, wow.
Not going to lie, though, Barb. That's the first time I made that connection. Thank you. It's literally X spell. And it's made to get their wand out of their hand. Brink begins casting an arcane spell and points it in your direction. Go ahead and make me a strength save, Kyborg. You strong boy? But it's a 10. 10.
I think I have inspiration die left over from a previous life. No, add the thing I just gave you. Oh, is that only for ability checks or can you do that for saving throws as well? It is add number to one ability check. Is this a saving throw ability? Saving throw. Okay.
Yep, so an invisible raw kinetic force hits you and pushes you back 15 feet and out of the square. That was fast. Redo, redo. Brink says, ah, you couldn't even win against a fire elemental if you was underwater. 10 gold chumps. Oh, I didn't tell you this before, but I do not have 10 gold. I have three. I could give you 10 silver.
Hey, ten gold, kind sir. All right. Three gold. There you go. Removing it from my inventory. The man of my word. Bart steps forward and casts minor illusion to make it seem like Kyborg is in fact giving him ten gold. Wait, do you have that ability? I have minor illusion. Okay, okay, okay. Physical interaction with the image reveals it to be an illusion. Yeah.
I'll just put it here on this desk. On the floor. I'll say, let me make a roll here. Just throw the money. I like the thought process. I want to try to see this work. We'll say, yeah, he looks at the gold in his hand and says, very well. Be on your way, loser.
You owe me big time, Kyborg. Thank you so much, Bart. I appreciate that. You're a great team player. Out from the bushes near the tavern, Guard Grattle jumps out. He's been watching you secretly as your duel was going on. He says, Oh no, you guys are in big trouble. And he kind of winks to you guys slyly. I'm taking you to the mayor's office. Oh no, okay. We're in big trouble. Better cooperate with you. Right, guys? Uh-oh.
Mud is very confused. He doesn't know what's going on. He starts escorting you all across the small courtyard to the mayor's office that he had pointed out earlier. You enter the mayor's office and an overwhelming sense of feng shui floods your senses as you enter a pristine lobby. Overstuffed couches, walnut coffee tables with chromatically fanned leaflets and potted parlor palms are all tastefully decorated around the room.
Behind the standing desk is a bespectacled Dragonborn with excellent posture who is finishing a flawless pour over of fresh coffee. Without looking up, he calmly asks, do you have an appointment? Mud wants coffee. It's dirt water. Guard Grattle quickly ushers you past the Dragonborn assistant through the lobby straight into the mayor's office. Oh, and I'll tell you what.
Mud, since you asked for coffee, the assistant begins making you a pour over as well. Oh, fantastic. He begins narrating his pour over instructions as he makes it. First, you bring the water to a boil. You gently place the coffee grounds or as you call it, coffee dirt inside the cone on top of the cup.
Slowly pour the boiling water around the cone of coffee, distributing it evenly and allowing it to drip into the cup below. After a few seconds, the magical elixir falls into the cup and he hands you your freshly brewed pour over coffee. Matt takes a big whiff of it, big old smile on his face, and then reaches into his pocket, pulls out a hand of dirt and pours it into the coffee as well and then takes a sip. Dude!
The best part of waking up is mud in your cup. I definitely don't want mud in my cup. The dragonborn assistant looks at you quizzically as you, in his eyes, ruin his perfectly crafted cup of coffee. Mud looks up from his cup, gives a big smile on his face, and gives a big old thumbs up. Guard Grattle then continues to push you guys along. There's a couple of locals seated in the couches here in the lobby. There's a Goliath and...
and a human who are sitting on couches there. However, Guard Grottle pushes you past them into the mayor's office. Once in the mayor's office, he tears off his bulbous false nose and says, You may not have noticed, but it was me all along. Mayor Prasad. Oh! Who you got your nose? Whoever could have expected it. What did it? Ha ha ha!
I'm a master of disguise. He got his own nose. Yes, he did, Gum-Gum. Yes, he did. He got his own nose. Scattered in piles across the room are copious boxes of merchandise labeled Infinites, including coffee mugs, T-shirts, action figures. Plashed out on each wall are framed newspaper clippings, posters, and oil paintings, all related to the Infinites. A small disheveled desk stands in the center of the room with an unsealed envelope and booklet on top.
Prattle stuffs the envelope into his coat pocket and says, You all were amazing out there. The duel didn't go quite the way you expected, but I think you all have the quality we need for our Infinite interns. They're the biggest tourist attraction to happen to Boulder Ray since our mining industry caved in. Literally. Oh, that's a good pun. Great. I think that with proper marketing for the Infinites, we could really put Boulder Ray on the map and have a thriving economy once again.
In fact, in my spare time, I've actually been writing a little booklet all about the heroes called Infinites. It's a little work in progress. You see the little pamphlet. It's actually on his desk. The title reads, Infonites. It looks kind of haphazardly, barely glued together. Hey, Mayor Prattle, tell us more about these Infinites. Is this like a band of circus dudes or heroes? Like, what is this? Oh, surely you jest.
The Infinites are the greatest heroes. They go around guarding the realm, performing heroic actions. They're sleek, spectral, grisly, Aleve, the female halfling cleric, their support person, Dr. Ahem, excuse me, and of course me, Mayor Prattle, who oversees the entire operation.
And that's where you all come in. We need some summer interns for the InfoNights. We have some great perks. You get a stipend of two gold a day, free lodging and discounted dining at the Throne Gauntlet Tavern. You get some one-on-one hero combat training and get to travel to exotic realms near and far. Exotic realms? Yeah. I'm in. Oh yeah? You're in? Great! And, uh, uh,
If everyone isn't on it, I have a secret I can share with you if you accept the internship. Guys, guys, we like secrets, right? Does this town have a decent gym? Oh, yeah, of course. Only the best facilities that the Infinites train in that as interns you would have access to. I'm in! I just look at Bart. Gum gum. Yeah. Yeah. Just say, I'm in. He's in. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
You'll have to excuse my simple friend here. What he meant was, he's in. That's what he said. He's in? I'm in? Okay, that's good. Just nod, Gum Gum. Just nod. Mm-hmm.
And you, kind Mud, are you also available for this internship? Uh, yes. Mud's parents said Mud had to do this internship, so Mud's in. Uh, well, uh, great. Everyone has accepted. You all are going to be interns for the Infinites. Let's get started right away. Starting with that secret, the Infinites are missing. Fudge. Mud starts looking all around the room for him.
And that's it. That's episode one. Oh. All right. Thanks, everyone, for listening to the first episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Make sure you follow us at StinkyDragonPod on Instagram and Twitter. If you like the show, tweet about it using the hashtag StinkyDragonPod. And down the line, we might choose you to be a character in the show. We'll be back next week with another episode, so make sure you follow us on Rooster Teeth or wherever you get podcasts. Bye.