Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
Welcome back to this episode of a Martin T
Intercom! Things feel different. You're so annoying. Do you know what I mean? I feel you because it's like our first time of the new year sitting down in this location and filming. Yeah. A lot has changed. I recently changed my voter registration to Republican and I wanted to break the news here first. No. Well, you said something feels different and I'm wearing my red to celebrate. Okay.
Well, I start... I had my first period. Oh my God, Drew. Okay, okay. The theme is red. The theme is red. Red, bloody... What is it? Bloody Valentine? Bloody Wednesday? My bloody Valentine? No, there's like a fucking...
Bloody Sunday or something? I don't know. You're just making shit up. No, like Mary Beth in the Bible killed a bunch of people and left Bible pages everywhere. Who is Mary Beth? I don't fucking know. Is Mary Beth the Virgin? Her last name being Beth is not cutting it. Mary the Virgin is way better. That's why they gave her that name. No, her last name is not Beth. Bethlehem. Bethlehem. Me wanting to be called Bartholomew. I think I've told that before, but I literally...
I'm gonna tell it again because I just had to reiterate how fucking weird I was as a kid. I sat on the bus on the drive home from school and breathed on the window because it was like a cold day out and it was like a cold rainy day and I wrote Bartholomew in cursive and I was like wow. Did you read like um the fucking Lemony Snicket series or something? No I just I just thought it was a cool name and I was like wow like it literally fits me so well. Um
I remember I used... What's... Oh. No, go. I was going to make a joke about, like, I can't even say it. You know what's funny is growing up, like, Enya was an odd name because it's not like an odd name. Like, that's such a weird name. But, like, I can't go into a fucking...
Yeah. Yeah.
How the fuck is Stormy... Like, y'all are naming these kids Stormy, Eleven, Ocean, Sea Swamp, Sea Moss. Like, these kids are not going into the store and finding their name on screen. They're not. Granted, I don't think that's something they'll want. They'll get a custom one made and then sell $50,000 for merch. I know, they'll get a custom NFT made. Exactly. So they don't need...
To have their fucking name on shit in shops anymore. They're going to be in VR chats going into souvenir shops and it's going to be like... Do you remember the fucking rock piles? Like the... You would get the little velvet bag and you'd get to pick five little stones out and you'd put it in the velvet bag. At souvenir shops? Yeah, souvenir shops at like the zoo or whatever. And it was like... It was always like crazy stones, but none of them were ever real. But like...
I remember like just digging my hands in there and the magnet part. Ooh. And it would just make such good fucking sounds and shit. But yeah. Um, actually I just remembered that in literal fucking pre-K, I went on a trip to Disney with our like daycare and I,
sorry, Kai's pissing. I know he's literally pissing behind the camera right now. Yeah. Keep going. We'll get into that. Oh yeah. I know I was going to bring it up, but let me finish. Um, in pre-K I went on a trip and I, I,
I was a fucking kid. Like, I didn't understand the concept of stealing. Like, everything I saw... The world was mine. Like, I didn't understand property value. Like, I didn't know that that was, like, a thing. But I was at Disney, and I remember there was, like... You know the pins that they sell for lanyards? I remember, like... Dude, I'm not kidding. I think I might have been, like, four or five when this was happening. But I remember looking down into the pile of, like...
And I just reached my hand in and grabbed one. And I like squished it in my hand. And like, I think I had a book bag or something. And I just put it in and walked away. But like part of me definitely knew it was wrong because I remember like looking at it and thinking about making the choice. And I just shoved my hand and took it. And then like,
One of the women we were with who was like our chaperones went and grabbed me and she was like, you're going to go to fucking jail. Like she didn't curse at me, but she was basically threatening me with Disney jail. And I remember for the first time in my life being so fearful of the law. And that was my introduction to...
Capitalism. I stole from the dollar store one time. I think I've told this before. I've stole from the dollar store one time, like, one of those, like, stretchy lizards and a bunch of stickers. And, like, I knew it was wrong. I knew what I was doing. I was, like, five years old. Like, I knew I shouldn't have been stealing. And...
me and Madeline were not slick about it. Like we were in the back of the car, like playing with our new toys that my mom literally didn't fucking buy us. And we were like, like just going crazy. We didn't have our seatbelts on. We were just like fucking banshees. Um, and my mom looked in the rear view mirror and was like,
Where the fuck did y'all get that? Because I didn't buy that. And we were like, we just got silent. And my mom was like, did y'all take that? And we were like, yes. And she was like, she like whipped the car around like 360, like drifting and sped all the way back. And she was like, you're going to go in there and apologize and give it back to them. And I was like,
Please, no. And she made us go in alone while she sat in the car watching us as five-year-olds and gave it to the workers and apologized. And I learned a lesson and I still steal to this day. Low-key narc behavior. I know. Like, wit. Because I was going to say my mom did the fucking opposite. We would go to...
like Publix or Target and me and Dante liked the like uh the gaming magazines and like the toy magazines and we would literally she would get a case of water and we would put it under there and my mom would put the case of water over it and it was never an exchange that we spoke about we did it once by accident and then the next time we went me and Dante were like we could get a magazine if we really wanted and we would just put it in there and she would put the
case of waters on top and when we got out we would just be like oh my god and she helped us steal that's really cute actually and that's why I don't believe in turning people into the law because you should always lie yeah and steal and do bad things exactly I actually fully agree I actually fully agree with that on to like a very important thing that we need to we need to address address um
Is the whole Kai fiasco. Y'all will never see that man again. Yeah. I don't know what the fuck got into y'all, but those comments were disgusting. Yeah. Y'all are monsters. I'm sorry, but have some self-respect. Like, y'all are throwing yourselves at a random man. Have some self-respect. Sluts. Oh, yeah.
I was gonna say it, but I'm so happy you did. Horse. Oh my fucking God. I literally, it's like... I mean, it's like, the thing is, this is the truth podcast. We can't stop the truth from coming out of us. Yeah, exactly. Renaming it the truth. Yeah.
But no, like, I'm sorry. Y'all took the attention. Kai took the attention away from us and y'all will never see him again. Like, what all the comments. I bet you bitches couldn't even tell us what the fuck we talking about. I know, legitimately. And also, I want to make it clear. This is not Kai's fault. This is your fault. No, no, no. It's fully Kai's fucking fault. Like, as a man, why the fuck are you getting on camera? One.
Two, giggling and kicking and laughing on camera. Like, why are you doing that? Drew gets a pass. Thank you. Drew is an exception. Thank you. But yeah, I just find it very odd that as a man you decided to, one, take the forefront, which is very, like, psycho behavior. You're a psychopath and you're a sociopath and you're a narcissist. Yeah.
But no, legitimately, until... I'm banning the word Kai from the comments on the YouTube channel. No, you know what? We're going to ban Kai and all these fucking dimwits spell his name wrong. K-A-I. I haven't said the word dimwits in so long. I don't think I've ever said it and it felt so mean. Dimwit. Like dimwit. But yeah, y'all can't even spell his name. So how do you think you're going to win him? Yeah. Period. Period.
Um, and you're not gonna win him because... Who do you think Kai's more in love with, me or Inya? Leave a comment down below. I saw a comment and someone was like, he's a little meanie. Like, I'd be nervous around Kai too. And I was like, do y'all think we live in elementary? Like, I'm like five years old. I think you do. I live in elementary? Yes. I'm so stupid. But, um, yeah, I found that funny because I was like, no, you can be mean to men. You can just be mean to them on some, like, fun shit. It's just fun. Um...
And I rest my case. He's never going to be on camera again. I'm actually going to get his IG deleted, too. We're going to report it. Mass report his IG. Okay, don't do that, because I know people will literally go do that on some funny shit, and it will be a problem. If that happens, though, we'll just literally shout out his new IG, and he'll gain all the followers.
Because apparently Kai is literally the hottest man y'all have ever seen. That's another thing. It's offensive to me. It's offensive to me. I know. I was like, I get on here every single fucking week and I serve. Serve cunt. Serve look. I serve cunt. I serve opinion. I serve sass. Bitter. I serve everything you fucking bitter girls and boys want and want.
And Kai gets on there and literally smirks. And he gets all the attention. He doesn't say shit. Literally, I think all you did was talk about crypto in like a joking context. And the funniest thing is like, Kai said 18 words total. And they were like, Kai's literally the funniest person I've ever seen. Literally the funniest person I've ever seen. So fuck you. This, I don't know. I can't think of the lyrics, but you know the one...
When Lana says in your crypto boyfriend, fuck you, Kevin. Yeah. Fuck you, Kai. Fuck you, Kai. La, ba, ba, bee. Yeah. I know what you're talking about. You name your baby like Kevin after your iPhone 11.
Crypto forever screams your stupid boyfriend. Fuck you, Kai. I love that both of us did the TikTok. Literally, that was me, though. I literally, like, nothing will replace being, like, having the...
The fucking, what is it? The experience? It's like when an experience is good, like nothing beats having the, there's a word there, whatever. Time of your life.
Girl, I don't know what the fuck you mean the word there. Someone will know what I'm saying. Um. Having the time of your life? No, nothing will beat the like the experience. It's like there's a word there for that. For experience? The experience of or what? It's like, oh, this is like an honor. But there's like a different word I'm thinking of and I can't think of it. Whatever. Normally we're in sync, but like this is just so over my head. It's because of fucking Kai. Kai's staring us both down and he's being so scary right now.
also to make it clear we love kai and like shut up yeah literally like we love emotionally abusive because the way y'all switched up from bullying this man to like literally wanting to like breathe with him oh breathe no it's actually scary it's scary yeah you guys are scary that's that y'all are dangerous that's how quick they'll fucking turn on us i know
anyways flood the comments i looked extra pretty today so y'all could compliment i know that and it was actually so funny there were like three or four comments saying like oh drew looks so good in this or like and you look so good they had like 30 likes total they're they're like now i'm offended by a compliment because you're just saying it because you feel bad
from you. I know. I know. It's like, don't even say anything at all. Like, if you're gonna be... Don't pity me. I don't need pity. And then the top fucking comment was making fun of me for getting COVID twice. Um... Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.
Anyways, nothing beat being around when Lana released Ultraviolence and had the song Florida Kilos in there. And I got to be a Miami girl. And I was like... You rapping about cocaine as like an 11-year-old? My username used to be Anyayo because of Lana. Yayo. Yayo. But yeah, just stop talking about Kai. Okay.
This is disgusting. Can you try it? Yeah. I decided to brew my own yerba mate this morning and actually now I realize why you fucking pointed it out because it looks like piss. No, it tastes good.
I just, it's missing something. I don't know what the fuck it's missing. I think it's missing like blueberry flavor. I don't like, because you're thinking about carbonated soda yerba mate. I need CO2. Also, it just tastes like honey. Like you put a lot of honey in there. That was not a lot though. It tastes like honey water.
And I realize I'm just a person that can't do caffeine. But maybe I'm just not reaching that threshold. Like maybe I'm taking like three or four shits. Yeah, maybe you need to do a lot more. Like that's like everybody who's ever done a drug in their life. I just am not making it past like the... You've seen ghosts. Sorry, my ADHD kicking in. Have you seen those TikToks? Yeah. But no, literally, I just don't think...
My body's cut out for caffeine anymore. I haven't even told them.
That I had a heart monitor installed for a fucking week of my life. You had a heart monitor installed and then you got COVID. I had a heart monitor installed. I had to do the most insane like tests ever. So I was in the waiting. Okay, let me just prep. Like, let me just rewind for a second. See, this is what caffeine does to me. I just, I cannot complete a fucking thought. You like didn't even give yourself a sentence to start the thought. What are you talking about? That's what I'm saying. Um,
Okay, so it's no secret I've been having heart issues, but I genuinely think I'm actually fine like for once in my life I'm not like hypochondriac about it. I think it's literally just whatever. It's just like natural things everybody experiences But I just wanted to get it looked at because I don't want to play with that I don't want to play with my heart. Like you don't want to play with my heart. You know what it is? I just had my heart broken. My heart's been broken. Oh my god. Wait, oh, Kai knows. Yeah, Kai knows.
about what happened in Miami this you better be careful because people always talk about when I said my credit score and they guessed it completely right no I watched the clip my ass literally went
Like with my hands. I like fully did numbers with my hands back here as if this isn't fully see-through. Um, but my credit score is fixed now also. It's back to normal. The government found me. I was evading my taxes and they fucking found me and they like hit me with so many fucking bills, but I paid them all. So don't even try to get me bitch. Um, but I've had all my fucking stupid little taxes. I gave my stupid little fucking money to the government. Um, I,
I've been having heart issues. So I've been going to the doctor. This started at the beginning of the pandemic, very beginning 2020, but I wasn't able to get into my appointments because it was like two weeks after the pandemic started and we were like supposed to be on quarantine for two weeks and they were like, yeah, we're not taking fucking patients. So it just got extended, extended, extended until November of this year. And I went to the appointment and they were like,
Yeah, something isn't right. Something is going on. Something's weird. So they scheduled a bunch of testing. And the testing they had me do was the most insane shit I've ever experienced in my life. I got in there and they hooked me up to all these monitors. It's called the stress echo test if you want to know the name of it. And I...
Basically had to run like a mile. Like it was, it was insane. Like I started on this treadmill. Actually they fucked up my testing. So I started on this treadmill and I had been walking for like two minutes. Um,
Which also is so embarrassing because they were like, do you ever like work out? Like, why is your heart rate so high right now? You've literally only been fucking walking. Um, embarrassing. And then they realized one of the connections of the EKG thing was fucking bunked. So they had me lay back down, get my heart rate back down and then get back on the treadmill. And I like literally was like sprinting for like 30 minutes. Um,
And then they installed the chest monitor. I don't even know where the fuck I'm going with this anymore. See, I cannot drink caffeine because I literally am insane. What was I even fucking talking about? You're just saying the fucking testing they had you do was insane. Yeah, whatever. But it sounds like they just made you do human activities and you're someone who doesn't do human activities. So you're literally baffled. You're like, I cannot believe they made me fucking run. They were trying to make me walk. They were trying to make me run. I thought you were going to say they made you fucking
do suicide like laps or something. They took my heart rate or they took my blood. They took your heart. Yeah. Okay, I'm over this. I'm fine. I have my appointment on the 22nd. Like, can we move on? You have it on my birthday? Maybe it's on the 21st.
Me as if I do everything for my birthday. Girl, are you going to be here on your birthday? Oh, I literally probably will. Yeah. Wow. I forgot. I forgot. I forgot. Wow. Oh, I'm the villain. I'm the bad guy. I'm the bad guy. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bruh. Bru
Did you make that up? Oh my god. True? True. Fuck. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm good. I was just taking a minute. I'm sure a lot of y'all have noticed we don't have many ads anymore and you're probably thinking, wow, oh my god, I feel so bad for them. They deserve ads. But we're doing our job. You're not doing your job. You need to fucking subscribe and engage with me or I will never do my job again. I can't believe I miss reading ads. I miss the taste.
Are you a throw up? I'm good. Okay. Um, anyways...
Speaking of doctors, I need to see a gynecologist so fucking bad. Like, I keep thinking about it and every single year of my life, like, are you kidding? Maybe this is like ADHD medicine. Like, maybe that's what this is doing to me. It's making me normal. I took my Yass pills and my normal pills. You cannot force me to take my normal pills. You cannot mix Yass and normal pills.
Is that why I'm literally ODing right now? I'm like actually tweaking the fuck out. That's actually really bad for you. Wait, is it really? It's like... Yes, you have to pick one. If you want a yas, you can't be normal. Fuck. Wait, what do I do? You have to throw it up. Your stomach acid probably already dissolved it, so now you're about to... I don't know. Am I going to die? I'm not ready to die. Okay.
We should act out a scene where like it's like me where I actually am like I have like a bullet in my stomach. And it's like me like actually like thinking I'm going to die and see how good I do. But not now.
Okay. Like, where are we doing this scene? I'm just saying, like, at a later date, we could do it. Okay, yeah, I'll put that on my fucking calendar. Imagine just, like, a regular person who hasn't watched 27 episodes of this, like, rotting their fucking brain, and they watch this one for the first fucking time. I think we're very normal.
I do need to go to a gynecologist. That's very normal. That is normal pilled. I like literally every single like week. Normal pilled. Or normie pilled. Normcore. But
Every single year, I have the thought about how people are going to get so mad at me, but I haven't had a, what's it called? A pap smear yet. And that is so fucking bad and not okay. Is that when they squish your boob? No, that's... A mammogram.
I didn't know the word and I was trying to think of something funny so bad. And then what I thought of was not funny. And I was like, I can't say that out loud. But no, that's when they fucking split the fucking seas and they go in and swab the sides and take a taste and see if you got something wrong with you.
They put a metal clamp in your fucking hole and they literally spread it and they take a cotton swab and they do a COVID test in your coochie. That literally has to hurt, right? I don't think it feels good. Well, it's like the vagina. Like, you feel pleasure. I've had a swab
the one time in my life I was like I'm going in to get a pap smear and they fucking I went in when I thought I had a yeast infection because I was like my shit is like not feeling awesome and that's when I found out I had bacterial vaginosis and a yeast infection so they were like we can't do a pap smear because you're literally infected you're gonna infect everybody in this building if we do this um so but then they sent me that fucking crazy bill and so I guess my pussy's just gonna fucking rot and fall off like
It'll crumple up like a little raisin and fall off like you know you know when you go and get a skin tag removed And they freeze it it falls off. That's literally what's gonna happen to my pussy. I don't know I was just visualizing it. And if I'm wearing a skirt around you guys I'm just gonna be standing and my pussy's gonna- Look her pussy fell out She's just gonna fucking hit the floor and it's gonna be loud because I have a fat pussy so she's gonna be like Her vagina fell out
So yeah. Hold on. I have to look that up. Do you know what I'm referencing? What did you say? Her pussy fell out. No. That word is so naughty. Pussy? Yeah.
Pussy power. Stop. Okay. I'm going to put a big pussy power sticker on my hydroflask. Stop. Oh my fucking God. I looked up her pussy fell out and literally all that came up were vaginas on Google. Like I thought I was going to find an obscure ass meme from 2014. No, I don't know what that is. Um, yeah, I'm going to put a pussy power, a feminist, vote Hillary, um,
Hillary 2024. Hillary 2024. All those stickers on my hijab. I'm with Hillary. And I'm going to put a lot of ice on it so it shakes and people have to look over and see what's happening. Joe Biden will die in this presidency. We will have a woman president. I literally said that the other day. I was like, he's dying this year. Like, I'm calling it. Are we going to get in trouble? No, everyone thinks he's going to die. Something big is happening.
No, the something big that was gonna happen was us getting COVID and we already got it. No, it's giving herm. Novid lighting. Should we talk about the Patreon?
What about the Patreon? Oh, but one of the things I wrote in my note because I've been thinking about my coochie a lot is vaginal infections are normal and it's okay because it's like your pussy getting a light cold. Like, it's not like a disease that's, like, really going to kill it. But, like, if I have a yeast infection, it's like if I had a sore throat. It's just building up immunity. I just got to pop some medicine in that hole and it's good. Wait, do you have to put medicine up there? There is medicine you can put in there. Yeah, there are suppositories for your coochie, but I've never done that. I've only taken...
um a pill for it but who knows if i have guys let's hope i have a yeast infection again and if i do uh you're gonna try out suppositories and give us a review i'll pop a pill in there i'll pop a perk before i get on the podcast pop a perky okay um so in the patreon discord there is a person who goes by the at rat germ um and rat germ for the last like
has literally been giving away thousands and thousands of dollars. So guys, you guys should definitely sign up for the Patreon. You will win a money. It is an investment. You will get your money back.
I legitimately like I was I I felt bad because I was like no like I should probably put an end to this like this is too much money because literally rat germ started at a hundred thousand dollars and is now at 22 grand so he's given away or they've given away what is that is that 78,000 or 22,000 yes and they've given away 78,000 dollars
Oh, like they only have like 12K left. No. 22K. Yeah. Wait, what's the math? Is it 88 or? 78. 78. Yeah, so it's 22. Okay. Yeah. Giving away apparently rumored in the Discord. Rumored. $78,000 to Discord Patreon members. Yeah.
Which is... Belligerent. Fucking insane. So I messaged Rat German. I was like, hey, like... Don't do that. Don't do that. Like, you should keep some of the money for yourself. And they were like, yeah, maybe you're right. I probably should do that. And I was like, yeah, do that. But, yeah...
That's literally what it sounds like when you try to give me financial advice and I just don't listen. I'm like, I should do that. And I turn around and get open Depop right away. Yeah. But I asked Rat Germ if I could talk about this and they were chill with it. So here we are. So go subscribe to the Discord, Patreon. Go subscribe to the Patreon and maybe Rat Germ will give you $1,000. And there's screenshots of people literally receiving thousands of dollars. I just find it funny because...
I didn't get any of that money. I was like... I'm like, okay, don't be fucking stingy. You have 22 left. Give me 12. Give me five. Give me 12. No. But I just had to talk about that because that is fucking insane. People are actually making money off of the Patreon.
I just knocked out my tooth. Also, this note means nothing. I want to relate to people, but I hate people I don't know trying to relate to me, even though it's my job. And I only say that because of yesterday when I posted that TikTok that I deleted. Oh, yeah. Also, yes, I'm wearing this sweater for like the third day in a row. Who cares? Whatever.
No, but like this exact shirt and sweater. Like this shirt has like layers of deodorant on it. Like I'm pulling a Kai right now. Like I'm just like really stacking this shit up. You laughed like a little too hard at like my expense. So I had to take that. I love those TikToks that are like when the friend who has a dead mom starts laughing a little too hard in the roast section. Thank you.
Okay, I'm playing Five Nights at Freddy's tonight. We are playing Five Nights at Freddy's. Yeah, we should stream it. We should low-key stream Five Nights at Freddy's. That would be fucking fun, though. We should hit up Weston and Kaylin and just have them give us a huge tutorial on how to stream. Or we could figure it out ourselves because it's not their job to teach us. Why have people around you if you can't use them like pawns? I do agree. I do agree. Like, what's the point?
oh but yesterday i posted a tiktok where i was like oh entering the part of my adulthood where like i um all i care about is like furniture having a home building a home and like thinking about my parents a lot and there were kids kids kids who were 15 saying there weren't even 14 year olds saying i'm i'm only 14 and this is already me and i was like what the
are you talking about you're almost a decade younger than me trying to relate to my brain right now like can you shut the fuck up um and for some reason that like pissed me off so bad because i just fucking hate kids there i said it i fucking said it i don't like kids a 14 year old is literally a kid i could squish you up in a little ball and throw you up and fucking punch you across a yard
You want to be seen so bad. Like, you are so threatened by a woman who is speaking that you need to be seen. Exactly. You're just like Kai. Exactly. You're just like Kai. Exactly. And, like, what's your point? And you're being a whore right now. You're ass is...
Thank you. And he's jealous. That's what it is. This bitch is jealous. No, actually, it's because I have self-respect and I sit here in my fucking sweater all covered up and you're being a fucking slut. It's wintertime and this man has shorts on. I just don't get cold. Like, I don't get cold. Yeah, because you're a hoe. And a hoe never gets cold.
No, and you're jealous because my ass is fucking stinky and fat. Like, it fucking shoots big fucking turds out of the colon hole. You wish you fucking shot big turds out, bitch. I am so constipated right now. Oh, I already said, like, wait, I think I said that laxatives started my symptoms in the last episode. I still can't believe that. I'm never taking a laxative again. We have a bottle up there and I'm gonna chug it. I'm addicted to it. Oh my god, this man can't believe it.
Like y'all are going to get Kai fired. And you have to fill it all the way up. I've never seen you drink water in my life. And now you want attention so bad. You never drank water once while recording the episode. And all of a sudden that you're not on camera. He got a taste of the limelight. I know. Maybe this is our fault. No, it is. It's you. You try to be a good friend and you put a friend on.
And just like that, they show that they don't deserve that fucking chance. I'm just filling up water. So now water's a necessity. No, literally. That's what I'm saying. So now you need water to survive. Okay. Okay.
And yeah, that's it. Dude, also, fucking, the other thing that a kid said, like a kid has said to us in the past 24 hours, and I'm like, can you shut up because you think you sound smart right now, but you're showing that you're a child, is people yesterday were asking me and Drew being like, oh my god, you're just now seeing Coco? Yeah! Bitch, I'm fucking adult! That wasn't on my top agenda! Like,
Like, oh my god, you're just now seeing this as if you were talking about a Wes Anderson movie? Like, what the hell? Like, literally, you're 15 and you're asking a 23 and 24 year old if we're just now seeing- I'm 15, bitch. If we're just now seeing a Disney movie that came out in 2017, which means you were like 11 or 12 when it came out. No, actually, they were younger. They were literally 10. They were 10 when that came out. When did it come out? 2017. I saw it in 2018.
you're a fucking child and a lame bitch. But no, what I'm saying is like, why is a kid literally being like, you're just now seeing this girl you saw in theaters because you were tending. Your parents took you. Yeah. You don't even remember the fucking movie. Maybe you need to rewatch it for the first fucking time. And like, cause you're sentient now. Um, that movie is actually, what are you going to say? Me just being mean as fuck to like a huge demographic of our like podcast. But obviously I like fuck with y'all, but like, don't talk to me like you're not a kid.
Let me hear... I'm sorry you're 15. Wait, what is the... Wendy Williams. Yeah, shout out to people with anxiety. Yeah, shout out to the 15-year-olds. Like, yeah. I feel bad for you. I feel bad for you. No, literally, I think what also annoys me is like, can you enjoy your youth? Because every other day, all I can think about now is that I'm officially at a point where...
Being like a freshman in high school was a fucking decade ago. Damn. There's a word for it, but literally... And I'm jealous. I want to be 15 again. There's a word that... I think it's like getting older younger is like what it is. And it's literally just like brands pushing products that like...
I don't know how to really explain it, so I'm not going to try, but it literally just boils down to capitalism. No, yeah, capitalism has infected, like, a younger generation, like, way quicker because of, like, how accessible buying shit has become. So when we were 15, we wanted things, but we didn't have the access to them, so we didn't, like...
feel like these adults making these adult decisions because we were still at a point where if we wanted something, our parents really had to go out and get it for us. And the likelihood of them getting the things we wanted was very low. But now 15 year olds can do a fucking Shein haul from their iPhone for $20. Yeah, and also it's just like they're being influenced by older people like ourselves. So like they're consuming things that we consume.
And yeah, it's just like trickle down. It's just like kids. That's why like when you look at a 13 year old now, they don't look like what we looked like when we were 13. They look like grown people. And with that being said, shut the fuck up and never say anything to me again. I lied. Actually, I need attention. So like if you did like shut up, I would actually disappear and die. Oh. But Coco. Maybe. Yeah, Coco. The most...
fucked up movie ever made. I mean, it is so good. Like, don't get me wrong. Like, I think that's one of Disney's best movies they've ever made. No, easily. But they did things in that movie that they did not have to do. And they just wanted to make you fucking cry and like sob your fucking eyes out. Like that was their goal at the end. They were like, I want people to cry harder at this movie than anything they've ever seen in their entire life.
And that's literally what happened. Coco, every single time I've watched it, I have cried my eyes out. It's like not okay. No, literally. Because also, it was my first time watching it. And I literally... Coco, spoiler alert. But apparently everyone in the world has seen it. Like, whatever. When fucking they found out whatever De La Cruz was in his grandpa. And...
Hector. Hector was his dad and like they had their like song and they talked about singing to Coco. I thought that was the peak of sadness and I cried at that so I was like... And I was sitting over there like, "Ooh, I know it's coming, like, you're done." So I was just like, "Oh, this is the movie y'all like boohoo cry over, like, okay." Bitch, when they put up that fucking- they did not need to put up the photo frame like that. That's what I'm saying. It's literally- it's like comedic. Great abuelita. It's comedic them doing that because you're just like, "Oh, like a year has passed. What- what could have changed?"
She conked. She fucking died. She keeled over. Yeah, she fucking... She had her last dance. It's done. Remember me. The licensing on that movie. The licensing on that movie is so fucking insane. Like, I'm... If you didn't watch my story, you don't understand what happened. But, like...
Literally, if you go to my story, it doesn't make sense. No, I can send it to Kai because I screen recorded it. But basically, it's completely banned. Like that version of the song of the little boys singing it is completely... Of Miguel and Coco singing it together. You cannot post it on social media. It's banned from everyone. You can't even send that song, like a snippet of it, via DM. Like...
Drew took a picture of me like crying and wanted to post it. And that song wasn't on the IG like music roster. So I was like, oh, I have a hack to do it. So like I added the song to the photo for him and sent it to him and he posted it. It was a literal millisecond. And all of the responses were like, how the fuck did you do this? How did you make it so fast? And I'm not telling you. Actually, y'all just got the sauce. I know. We just said it. But yeah, that was so fucking funny. And Drew was literally freaking the fuck out.
It like actually was stressing me out. I was so mad. I was so mad. But yeah, it was a good movie. And then we literally watched that thing about... We're kind of talking about our media more in depth for the first time. But then we watched that thing about the cave. It's not funny. The soccer kids in Thailand that got stuck in the cave. Yeah, like I'm laughing because I said this to Drew, but they kept talking about like
Oh, like, it's so inspiring, like, their morale and, like, how much, like, positivity they had in their hearts and how, like, positive they were that they would make it. And they just, like, had this, like, really sweet and almost, like, naive belief and trust in other people that, like, they would make sure they were gonna stay alive. Bitch, I would kill the fucking vibe. After eight hours and you would be like, we're dead. We're done. We're done. Bitch, after that.
first hour i would touch that water and see how cold it was i'm like no we're done we're done they're not coming no they're not coming they don't even know we're fucking here like i don't have find my iphone on i don't have my iphone on me they died in the water i would be i would die of boredom i would literally die of boredom i would oh yeah dude so scary 17 fucking days stuck in there no i don't want to be anywhere for 17 days like i don't
I'm like, no. Imagine literally being alone without iPhone for 17 days. Bitch, y'all would drown me. Y'all would fucking have to kill my ass. And I would eat you. I'm sorry. You would be the one that we ate. If you think I complain a lot right now, bitch, trap me in a cave. I feel like another side of you would shine. I feel like you would be the positive one and I would be like, because I'm normally blindly optimistic.
But like, I feel like the roles would reverse. Like, I feel like my facade would crumble. And I'd be like, we're done. We're dead. We're dead. We're dead. And I'd be like, yeah, we're done. No, I feel like you would be like, I think we're going to be fine. Because we pick each other's slack up. No, because you know what it is too? I just have the intuition and the gut feeling of like, literally, I think I might be psychic. And psycho. And a narcissist. Bitch, you're delusional. This is the year of self-diagnosing. Yes!
Everybody, let's self-diagnose in the comments. Let's self-diagnose in the comments. I'm literally living in Wonderland right now. The Wonderland system. But the fucking, yeah. If like, because technically, if we were there, like, and we were going to be saved, I would just know. So like, I'd be like, okay, we're chilling. Like, I'm just a little annoyed. But like... This is a minor inconvenience, but like, it's character growth. We'll get out of here. Actually, no. Like, I literally, I can't. Oh.
If I couldn't wash my face before I went to sleep, I don't know what I would do. Wait, that one thing or that one question where it's like you just, your wife's been missing for 24 hours. You just were searching for her for 14 hours all day long. Do you come home and wash your face before you go to bed? Yeah. No. Because when I need to make my, like when they find her dead body and I have to like go on the news and like make my really sad like remark, I got to look good. Oh.
Oh my god. I can't be like breaking out and like really nasty looking like I have to look good. You know what? I'm coming home washing my face and I'm putting on an ASAP face mask. Damn. Okay. I'm exfoliating. I'm doing the face mask. I'm taking a bath. Okay. My feet hurt. My legs hurt. Like I've been like trotting around looking for her. Picking off the deer tits. And she's a fucking cunt because I don't know why she would have like an air tag on her. Actually. Okay. No. Let me not say that. I really like. Why. Yeah. Like why are people still disappearing? I don't know.
We have air tags. Y'all say why do people disappear because people are getting like murdered. Like that's why they're disappearing is because some fucking psychopath is being a psychopath. No one. And you got me new shorts for Christmas. Yeah, and you're being a slut because those are summer shorts and it's winter and you should be covering your body. Well, you're being a prude.
I literally used to always call myself a prude in high school because I like was and I was so embarrassed about it. But I was like one of those really annoying girls who was like, yeah, I haven't done anything. Is this the L? Does it look right for you or is this the L? That's L. That's interesting that it's on the right hand. Not really. Oh, no. It makes sense because I've always used my right hand because I'm a righty. It's weird if you're a fucking lefty freak of nature and you shouldn't be- Eradicate the left handies. Yeah, like why-
Like, yeah, because I can read this. Bitch, I'm like, why would I use my left hand? I'm calling myself a loser. Eradicate the left handies. Like, you're weird. You're scary. What are you doing? Derogatory left handies. You know what we should do? They are ruining society. Mom, I'm sorry. See, I literally told y'all. I told y'all I'm not using this year to prove I'm a good person. You just have to know I'm a good person and that I'm joking. There was a comment that said that, and that was very relieving because on the podcast, I do say shit that, like, I don't.
I know it's a joke and we all know it's a joke, but there are moments where I'm like, if someone fucking takes this out of context and decides to be a fucking cunt, I guess I'll have to shoot them.
We just kill everybody who's done something wrong. What was that, Kai, that you were talking about? We literally disappear off camera. We get eradicated, everyone. What was that one person that was like... So you were like pro-suicide. Oh, yeah. I was talking to this girl that was like... She was like, oh, I'm glad that suicide rates amongst white men is going up. And I was like...
I'm with her. I'm pro-choice.
That is a curious- Those same men would be like, "No bitch, you can't have a fucking abortion." Obviously not those same men, like I don't know those people. Wait, not me saying, not me like in my head like rationalizing like, pro-choice suicide. I was like, "Wait, that's like-" This is an evil fucking episode. I know! This last five minutes is all getting cut.
Two sides of the same bird, Republican and Democrat. I know I'm a fucking liar. I know I'm a cunt. I know I got a tight coochie at the end of the day and that's all that fucking matters. I can be a bitch and have good pussy. No one's talking about that. True. Um, well...
I guess we could talk about this photo that I took. No, bitch, we could talk about the fucking rock. The literal rock. No, no. I don't know if y'all remember when these fucking idiots, these goddamn hooligan foolish nerds showed me a picture of a rock on the moon and tried to make me feel like the freak for not believing it was some extraterrestrial cube. Bitch, it wasn't a Rubik's cube. It was a fucking rock.
It was a rock on a rock ball. They're lying to us. The Democrats are lying to us. Baby, baby, baby. You don't remember what I said. No, because I'm not up there to see that it's not a rock. So how do I know it's not a rock? Then fucking go. Bye. Take your fucking away suitcase and get the fuck out. No, because what if it wasn't a rock? What if it wasn't a rock and it was like...
an actual extraterrestrial object.
but society's not ready. Think about this. They hired 12 theologists from around the globe randomly to like calculate how the world would reaction to an extraterrestrial threat or risk, like discovery of extraterrestrial. Why are they doing that? Why are they hiring theologists across the globe? It's a good point. Yeah. Why are they doing it? They also did release the movie. Don't look up. So that is like at the same time, it's like, Oh my God, the government lies to us. Like, like that, that movie was very eyeopening and good.
Yeah, but think about it. That movie was fucking god awful. Yeah, that's the conversation a lot of y'all don't want to have, but that movie fucking sucked. Don't look is one of the worst movies in the rest of the world. And they're gonna be like, oh no, it sucked because it's targeting you, uh, bitch. No, I've been having these thoughts since I was 12 years old. Shut the fuck up. Um, it was just a bad movie, but what were you saying, Kai? Since it's the Kai episode? Well, it's okay. I mean, it's... No, no, go, go, go. Um, it's the lamestream media.
Period. Period. Lame stream. Lame stream. Two sides of the same coin. CNN, Fox News. What I'm about to say might have to be cut, but y'all literally sound like the people who think QA and Honor is real. I'm a QA and Honor. Through and through, tried and true. Come on, Q. Listen to QA and Honor through and through, tried and true.
Come on Q. That's our saying. That's what we say. Come on Q. Reveal yourself. You better work Q. You better work Q. We're like gonna get our comments like flooded with fucking QA notes. You better work the house. They've become a part of the like, they're like, you know what? You're gonna fucking talk to me. I'm gonna fucking talk to you. Yeah, literally. Wait, what if I told y'all that I was Q the whole time?
I'd be like, okay, sir. I have no idea what the fuck that motherfucker says. Like, I don't know any of that shit. That's just, like QAnon is the same conversation as like y'all talking about aliens where I just like,
QAnon crypto aliens. - Why do you say it like that? QAnon. - What is it? - That's how I say it, QAnon. - What do you say? - It's QAnon. - It's Anon, anonymous. Q is anonymous, Anon. When someone DM'd you on Tumblr, Anon, it's not anus.
You say anonymous, right? I'm kind of funny that you're speaking to someone who's bilingual and criticizing my accent and the way I choose to pronunciate my words. Your turn.
I actually speak the language from the Avatar movies, so. Period. I'm going to fucking slap the fuck out of you. You're going to let him talk to you like that? I just said I'm going to slap the literal fuck out of him. Are you going to let her talk to you like that? Yes. You're pushing 30. You better watch yourself because you're about to crumble.
Girl, I'm pushing 30. That's like the thing like you better be chill with those comments cuz I'll kill myself. When we were at the Kanye show and you were like, yeah, you better put makeup on that old ass mug. I think about that like every day. When I look in the mirror and I'm like, fuck I'm getting older. You better put that old ass mug. You know what's fucked up is I do not remember saying that. I don't remember that at all either. You better beat that old mug.
Beat that old mug. The house. Literally beat a RuPaul. RuPaul being 6,000 years old. You wanna blame it on the edit. Blame it on the edit. You wanna blame it on the edit. And then RuPaul released a new song that's giving Charli XCX. A run for her money? No, just giving. Charli. It's Charli.
It's Charlie. It's giving Republican, it's giving plant, it's giving yerba mate, it's giving claymation. It's giving recount, it's giving, uh... It's giving Hillary 2024. Again, like I said last episode, I'm just in the air. Everything is fucking funny. You bitches are crazy. I am the only one in real life. Like, none of y'all are real. You're all fucking crazy. I'm just here to vibe, to chill, to look good. It's giving recount the vote.
It's giving recount about fraud It's giving stop the count
Like, you know what it is? It's giving I'm with her. There needs to be a class in elementary where it's literally dedicated to finding a hobby because when you don't find a hobby at a young age, you end up being on Twitter talking about some recount the vote. You bitch, you can't even count. What the fuck are you talking about? Like, you go recount it then. You go. You. Go count them. Half of them just don't even know. They're just regurgitating what their uncle said. Like, none of them know what they're actually saying. Like, that's the thing.
That's the thing at the end of the day. What's awesome is they're so bad at arguing that if you said that to them, they would literally be like, you're doing that. Who's to say you're not doing that? I once learned not to argue with a fool. What? I learned not to argue with a fool. Is that it? Think about it. Don't argue with a fool because you're never going to win. I can't stop thinking about it. Oh.
Also, the other thing with the cave documentary is like the people who were helping, I would tap out. I was looking at them. I was like, how do you like, I can't even think I'm so fucking stupid. I was like, if you put even like a hypothetical problem in front of me and explain the situation was like, how are we going to do it? I'd be like, we're not. We're just not. I think if if I was trained enough, I would be able to do it. I would never be trained enough. I just don't I don't believe in using my brain power.
Let my girl throw up. Like, let her throw up. That's gonna sound crazy. Not only am I QAnon. Republican. Okay, we need more Republicans who like euphoria. Girl, this turned into the Red Scare. I know.
Immediately. I always mention Red Scare. Never once have I listened to that shit. Never. Never once. Gross. Did you know that the...
I'm done. I'm literally just thinking of the most problematic things to say in my brain and I'm like, shut up. That Euphoria hit a record for most streamed premiere on HBO Max. It was actually because the extra half were Republicans who were finally turning over and they were like, I want glitter on my eyes. Glitter in my eyes, glitter in my heart. I'm going to show you what you want.
What was that? Glitter in my eyes. It's the euphoria theme song. I literally, that first episode, I like, the first sentence in, I was like, okay, okay. And then by the end, I was crying my ass off and I was literally like, I felt like when characters like that wolf character in old cartoons would see a hot lady and start stomping its feet and be like, oh, like that was me. Like,
the wolf that like killed itself came back to life and kept catcalling. His ghost was catcalling. The horniest man alive. Um, yeah, and that's, that's my review of the new Euphoria episode. Every time I think about Euphoria though, I get immediately triggered to how, um, before that show came out and I had my bleached eyebrows and bleached hair, people called me a literal fucking bum and were so mean to me about it. The camera's not recording. Oh,
You're joking, right? Yes, he is! He's so fucking annoying! Um, but yeah, I get- WHERE'S MY OSCAR? I get triggered by how people believe me. Best performance of emergency intercom. Best performance of emergency intercom? Like, what does that mean? It's the new awards they're giving away. That's it, we're done. This episode's done. We need to give me- I need to stop screaming. That scared the shit out of me.
Josh is asleep. I have a really good, like, terrifying, like, like, woman in pure, disgustingly, like, nauseating pain scream. Do you want to hear it? No. No, no, no. There's a different one where I'm, like, kind of muffling my mouth because it's, like, a woman who's, like, like, a murderer's mother corner. She, like, can't help herself and she, like, can't hold it in. Church. Church.
I feel like I'm at like daycare right now. This is not a good time. At daycare, I would sneak out of my fucking nap time and go kiss this kid. And I would get all up in that mouth. Try to tell me this isn't a computer chip. Taken from an airplane at night. That's a computer chip. We need to end this episode. Media of the week. Um, okay. Can you say that for me? I'm just gonna butcher it and I'm not even gonna try it. The first one? Second one. Gazebo? No pink cover.
Oh, El Muchacho de los Ojos Tristes? Yes. El Muchacho de los Ojos Tristes. I was like, you can't read Gazebo? Okay, by Jeanette. Yeah. That's my number one song. And then Dreams of Surf by Vangelis. And then Red Alert by DJ Camgirl. Okay. Okay.
I challenge you. Let's see who can do it better. Who does it better? You or me? I bet. All I can think is I was like, so many of these kids have no idea what like I bet means, but maybe they do because of context clues. But after experience what I did at the Rose Bowl, I'm like, damn, people who can't understand a language and don't know more than one language have no context clues when it comes to human language. To explain, I was at the Rose Bowl and...
These three white motherfuckers were at a tent and they were like, mira, mira, mira. Like, what does that mean? And then they were like, he speaks Spanish, right? And they were like, yeah. And he was like, mira, mira, mira. Like, kept saying that. Ayúdame, ayúdame. Un pezón en mi culo. They like, he kept saying that. And then he was like, what does that even mean? Like family? And I couldn't believe it. I was like. What is pezón? Pezón? I honestly don't know. Un pezón en mi culo.
I don't know. Fuck, what did I just say? It probably, like, but it's like how Pepita, like, for me means, like, pussy, and then, like, I don't know what it means for other people, or, like... What am I saying is in my ass? Okay.
Anyways, they thought mira means family and I was like, it means look. And then they were like, huh? I was like, it means look, like look. And then they're like, that makes sense because every time he says it, he points. And I was like, you mean he's looking at you, pointing and saying mira? And you don't understand that that means look? What does pezon mean? I don't know. I couldn't find it. I don't know. I don't know what that actually means. You told me to, I remember I was like, how do I say, help me, help me, there's blank in my ass. Un pezon en mi culo. Nipple. Yeah.
There's a nipple in my ass. Because I've never had to say the word nipple. Anyways, here are my top songs. You know, because I watched Euphoria, this has to be one of them. Right Down the Line by Gary Rafferty. The next ones aren't Euphoria related. Crying by Roy Orbison. Cherish the Day by Sade and Like a Prayer, Madonna. Oh, yeah.
we also watched gummo on 35 millimeter um fucking awesome so good um love that i'm sure there's gonna be some slick dumb fuck who's like you've never seen gummo but you like were in the like you liked bunny hats um because i have original thoughts bitch i am just in a bitter hateful mood today i know and it's fun it's like i like literally one of my resolutions like subconsciously was like i'm just gonna like
"Live and let live, just like shut the fuck up, mind my own, I don't give a shit, like whatever." But then I remembered how fun it is to be mean. I was born to be bitter. Like, I was born to be bitter, like they put something in my bones that it just feels right when I'm bitter. It literally makes me horny. So now I'm like in thought and I'm like, "Why do I think it's cool to be mean?" No, because that's how it's gonna be like, "Because I want your mean to kai," but no, I'm mean to everybody because it boosts my ego, it makes me feel good, I'm an insecure person, and being mean makes me feel confident.
And I'm going to do what I got to do to get mine. And if that means hurting other people, I'm going to fucking do it. I'm like now I'm like back now I'm back on my shit where I'm like, no, I don't want to be mean because why do I think it's cool to be mean? Because I'm fucking I just said I'm hateful. I'm spiteful. You're a mean one. Mr. Grinch. All right. That's it for this video episode. Whatever the fuck you want to call this little thing, this little fucking gadget. Love you. I love you guys. No, guys, I love you guys so much.
I actually do. But, you know, whatever. Fuck you. Yeah, legitimately. But I would never say it. Yeah, that's... No, because then that goes into the thing of, like, people were like, I don't hug my best friend. I'm like, can you grow up? Hug the people you love because one day you won't be able to hug them. Because we're all gonna die. And someone could walk out your front door right now and there's a chance you would never fucking see them again. Right? Giving them paranoia. I know. The...
The yossification of experiencing a close death at an early age, so living in extreme paranoia about everyone's mortality for the rest of your life. Bye! Wait, we should do the... Bye! Bye!