We Have Fleas
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Welcome to this- Back to Emergency Intercom! We're in my car! This hell. Pure hell. Unadulterated hell. It's actually not- Unadulterated...

Pure chaos. It's not like the biggest deal ever, but it literally like it broke something inside of me. It's pretty uncomfortable in here. I'm going to be honest. Yeah. So you're probably like, why are y'all in the car? Like funny little bit. Hee hee ha ha. Honestly, it's like a nice temperature in here. So filming in here literally feels better. And you don't have your uncomfortable chair, but you're still uncomfortable because you have to like crouch. I have to crouch to be in the frame.

Basically, we're in my car filming this episode because we have fleas. You're probably like, ha ha, he he, lice joke, lice joke, flea joke, flea joke, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Not funny. This is our fucking life. No, we literally actually have fleas in our fucking house. We have a flea infestation. Not anymore, but we did.

It's in the air. It's more of a question now. Yeah. It's like, do we have fleas? Do we have fleas?

I mean, we did have an infestation and they ate the fuck out of us and sucked our blood. No, they literally destroyed my legs. Like, maybe I'll insert pictures, but I don't think I'm gonna because they literally make me so uncomfortable and insecure. But, like, I look... I literally was like... I've heard about monkey pox. Like, do I just have monkey pox? Is that what's happening? Like, I got Delta and I have monkey pox. Yeah. So, it all started when...

came home the other night from running an errand and it was like around midnight and and I come inside and There was actually a mosquito in the car that night and that's why when I came up to your room I I went upstairs and I went to Drew's room and I was like talking to Drew and I was like wait I feel like there's a mosquito in my pants so I like drop down and I like pull off my shoes and lift up my jeans and

And... It's not a mosquito. There's a... I see a flea. And I'm like... What the fuck? And I... Like, pick it up and I squish it. Which is disgusting and literally makes me want to throw up. And I was like... That was so weird. And then I would keep talking to Drew and I'm like... I...

I feel like they're still fucking biting me. Mind you, I'm like 15 feet away or probably like 8 feet away in my bed just under the covers and I see Inya like literally saying, they're on me, they're on me, they're all over me and I can't see a flea from fucking 8 feet away so I'm like, Inya, you're like hallucinating. You're making this shit up. This is like...

This is, like, a hallucination of your deep subconscious. Like, you need to figure this out because it's starting to scare me. Yeah, it just looks like I'm going crazy. Because also, I was like, they're, like, attracted to my socks. And I took my socks off. And I'm just sitting on the floor, like, looking at my socks. Like, no, he's going to come back. Like, he's going to, like, he's going to come back. Yeah, and she, like, put her sock out his bait on the ground to, like, attract the flea to get back to her. So I could see it. And I was like, I genuinely, like...

I don't believe you. But basically, all the fleas were on the socks. It was like three. And I crushed all of them and killed all of them. And I was like, that's weird. Blood, blood, blood. So gross. But it's flea season. And I'm not scared of fleas or anything. So I was like, whatever. This isn't a big deal. Azul probably has fleas. We need to get the fleas off Azul. Mind you, two weeks ago, I was sitting on the toilet in the bathroom after coming in. I was shitting out of my ass.

I was like, I was dropping big doo-doo loads into the toilet, like stinky butt loads. And I looked down at my feet and I saw a flea on my foot and I completely forgot to tell Inya. But I was like, oh, there's a flea on me. I need to tell Inya because Azul probably has fleas. But we were wrong. We were so wrong. Because, okay, so basically that night I was like, oh, okay, just to make sure I don't bring fleas into my room. And like if Azul doesn't have them, maybe I just got them from outside. Yeah.

I'm gonna, like, take... I took a shower. I, like, went to my room. And I didn't bring the clothes to my room. I, like, left them in the bathroom. And the next morning... Or the next day, we were gonna go hang out with Alisa and Orion. So...

We like get in the car. I like lightly spoke about it because I remember I woke up and I had bites on me. Yeah. And I was fully freaking out. I was like, I have bedbugs. Like, no, like you guys don't understand. Like I was literally driving us around and I was just like with my leg up on the dash. There was a conspiracy of us having bedbugs and we still invited Elisa and Orion over to get the fucking bedbugs from us. No, they had already come over. And like in my head, I was, you know, when you find yourself in situations like that,

where you're like, oh, I'm probably gonna fuck my friends over accidentally right now just out of, like, naive immaturity. And, like, you get, like, intense anxiety, but you can't say it out loud because you don't want to, like, ruin anyone's day. Yeah, and be like, oh, we might have fleas, like... But I mentioned it, and everybody was like, okay, whatever, like, that's not that big of a deal.

Um, sorry, I just started cracking up because I like saw Kai. Also, for anybody wondering who's the random dude in the back, that's Kai. He's our audio engineer. He slays. He's an engineer. He got his degree. Yeah, um, he actually used to work for Apple, but we like swooped him up. We poached him. Um, and he's our unpaid intern now. You have anything to say? Um, no.

Awesome. That's how we like it. Silent but deadly. Yeah, like just barn us on the podcast, like whatever. But yeah, Kai's literally the reason episodes get uploaded. He keeps his whole ship afloat. If it wasn't for Kai, we would be nothing. So everybody...

I wouldn't gas him up like that. I don't know him that well. I mean, the podcast would be more fun. Like, who is he, really? We just start shitting on him. We're like, who is he? Like, out of the grid, skew of things. Okay, but basically, we are, like, going to a thrift shop, and I'm, like, sitting here with my leg up while I'm driving, and I'm, like, literally, I was silent the whole ride, and it was because I was internally panicking. You were freaking the fuck out. I was like...

No, if it's not fleas, like, I have bed bugs or I have, like, skin mites or, like, dust mites or, like, some parasite is, like, under my skin. No, you made it very clear that you were freaking out several times. You're like, sorry, guys, I'm just, like, freaking the fuck out right now. Like, I have bites all over me and I don't know what they're from. I think I have bed bugs and everybody was like, no, like, you probably just have flea bites. Like, that's what it is. Dude, I was freaking out. And you know what it was? Later on in the day, what I realized was we went out all day and I was like, all right, fine. Like, it's not a big deal. I'm good.

bitch we got out to go get a coffee and i lifted my leg to tie my shoe and there was a fucking flea on me and i was like oh my god that's why my legs were getting bit up even more is because in the car they were still on my socks getting up in your jeans and living in there and sucking your blood and i know i had shorts on so they were literally attacking the fuck i'm such an asshole because i like looked at flea bites and like a picture of someone with like fingers rotting off i

Like I was like, Inya, this is going to happen to you. And she was like, stop, like seriously stop. No, because I was actually freaking out. It was like the part of me that needs to wash my hands like 8 million times after I pee. Like that was freaking out in my brain. And it was the part of me that like thinks the house is going to explode. That also didn't help. I've talked about it on the podcast before. Like my thing where I'm like, oh, the house is going to explode and like the cars are going to like.

I'm like, I don't know. Someone's going to crash into me and like burn the house on fire and his will's going to die. Like all those like crazy thoughts I have before I leave the house. I was already feeling that that day. So then on top of thinking I had like bedbugs and mites and fleas, I was like,

Literally, like, I was like, I can't take this. Like, this is meant... I was literally... I went to war. Like, you go to war on your computer and I went to war mentally that day. Literally, I go to war on Call of Duty. Every day, Drew's like, I have war at three. I have war scheduled at three with my older brothers. Like, I can't go out. Like, I have to go to war. You have to play Call of Duty. It's fun as fuck. I play Call of Duty now. It's actually a blast and everyone's jealous of me. No, it looks really fun, but I, like, have a life. So I'm like, well...

You can have both. You can have a life and play video games. No, I play video games. I'm like a gamer girl. I'm a nerd. I have a PS2. Like, I'm crazy. And you get those games. I do get down. I get down and stinky and dirty.

- Today, we'll get into that. Wait, no, not you doing that, we'll get into that. - We'll discuss that later. Discuss what? - So basically,

We go home and Elise said, oh, so we're like, oh, there's like fleas. Azul probably just has fleas. Like that's the conclusion we kind of come to. And we're like, it's not that big of a deal. Cats get fleas like all the time. We'll just call the vet, get the flea medicine and like, it'll be good. It'll be solved. Yeah. Actually, even that day I had already called and I was like, I'm just going to pick up medicine. I think she has it.

But then... Oh, my fucking God. This is actually, like, traumatic for me, and I have PTSD, and I can't walk anymore. No, I'm not going there. This house is a nightmare. It actually is a fucking nightmare. So, do you want to, like, take the lead? Yeah. Because I've been talking my ass off. So, basically...

We get home after a long day out and we're like, oh, like, flea problem solved, basically. And, like, we're walking up to the house and, like, we have this, like, grass wall that, like, we share with our neighbor who has an outside dog who they, yeah, already, whatever. We, like...

Or walking up there. And Inya just was like, hold on. I'm going to check my socks real quick. And she looks down at her socks. And they are fucking covered in fleas. Like, I'm not joking. Like, I had never seen that many fleas in my life. Like, probably 60 fleas on her socks alone. And she freaks out. She takes her socks off. Oh, Ryan and Elisa, like, check their pants. They have fleas on their pants. Like, it's a nightmare. Then I look at my socks. And, like...

Hundreds, if not thousands of fleas. I had white socks on and it looked like I hadn't washed my socks in 15 days. And I just wore them straight. It looked like they were glued to my fucking feet. They were so dirty because there were so many fucking fleas on there. But literally just an absurd amount of fleas. And I should have taken my socks off outside, but I just didn't. And I immediately went to the bathroom and threw them into the sink. Into the tub. Into the tub and poured water on them because I was like, oh, like...

The water will kill them. Like, it'll be fine. Like, whatever. I'll drown them. I'll waterboard these fleas. Like, literally me waterboarding the fleas. You piss on your socks. Literally. I pissed my pants that day several times. But no, like, fleas just covered us. Like, everyone now is, like, in a fucking panic. And we're like, oh, my God. Like...

There's fleas all over the house. Like, and we would step on our carpet and they'd jump up off the carpet and jump back onto us. And, like, we would swipe them off and they'd be all over us. Mind you, we're getting bit the fuck up. Like... Dude, I, like... Inya's... Inya, like, for some reason, Inya had, like, a completely different reaction to the bites than everybody else because, like...

My bites, like I had red splotches where they bit me like microscopic, like millimeters wide for like maybe three hours and then they went away and they never itched. But for Enya, like they welted up. Like they were really gnarly.

They were like gnarly mosquito bites and they still fucking hurt. Like if you see me like moving around, it's literally because my legs up here and I'm like, I'm like squeezing and like tapping and rubbing my legs so that I don't scratch them. She's also terrified of getting an infection in one of her flea bites. Dude, I literally am. Because one time I've told you about this. I don't think I've ever said this publicly. When I was in Honduras as a kid, my eczema got really bad because I got really sick.

when I was in Honduras. And my eczema started to welt up and, like, kind of look like that. And I have, like, divots in my inner elbow. I just, like, moved the mic so far. I have divots in my inner elbow from, like, scarring from welting up like that and scratching it because I, like...

literally like dug fucking wounds into my skin from scratching. So that's what I'm worried about is that it's going to like, it's not like it only, I'm worried about an infection, but I'm such a germaphobe freak that I like, my hands are usually clean when I scratch. Um, but it's like, and you also have like the immune system of like a normal person, like an average healthy person. So you wouldn't get an infection, but I get, you don't want scars all over your legs. Cause that would suck. Cause I'm vain. I'm vain.

You're so vain. What is that song? No, you're thinking of You're So Gay, which you don't even like anymore.

Like, boys. Dude, I've been doing that so much recently. Drew always goes to sing a song and he's singing it different. It's like four songs in one. Like, I don't know how the fuck my brain does it. Maybe I'm a genius and we need to, like, actually observe that. No, okay. Anyways. I should be. I should. I genuinely think I should be, like, observed by scientists. Like, I think I'm a fucking monster. Like, I'm a rare breed of human. Like, one of them.

There's other stinky, scary white men in the world. I hate to bring it to you, girl. Girl, I'm not stinky. I shower. I wash my hands. Well, this person were fucking stinky. I know. We literally, like...

We have fucking fleas. Like, that's like, it doesn't get actually, it actually doesn't get more embarrassing than that. Like, this is the rawest and realest you've ever seen us. Like, we're telling you, like, very real shit. No, we're telling them because we have no choice. Yeah, because we have to film the fucking podcast in the car. Yeah, usually we don't post content for a month, so shit like this can happen and we can just be like, whatever, we don't have to tell anybody, but like. Now it's weekly. I will say, getting fleas, I was like,

I was like, oh, like, gross. We have fleas. But, like, now we have podcast content. Now we get the podcast that we have fleas. I literally told a friend and that was the first thing they said. They didn't ask if we were okay. They were like, podcast, though. Yeah. Actually, that's a lie. They asked if I was okay because I was, like, literally crying over my bites. I literally was, like, crying. Yeah. So, like, as the situation evolved, like...

We spent the night in the house because we were like, oh, they're not going to be in our bed. Like, whatever. We took all the clothes and put them in the washer. We all showered, like, made sure there were no fucking fleas on us before going to our bedroom. And, like, we got under the covers, like, whatever. And I took the covers off my bed, too. And you was very proactive. I woke up.

Had a few bites on my ankles, but, like, nothing crazy. But there were fleas in bed with me. Like, and I was like, oh, my God. Like, this fucking sucks. Inya, on the other hand...

Dude, I- so I wore pants, like, thick pants, and tucked them into my socks because I saw that on- actually, I did it first, like, just out of my big brain shit, and then I read online that that's good, and I was like, y'all- because at first I was like, is this a bad idea? Because if they get in there, they get stuck. Bitch, they got in there. Um, they got in my pants, in my, like, sweatshirt. Azul decided she needed to sleep with me, so I just got, like, destroyed by fleas, and I woke up, like-

So covered in like itchy bites that I like started crying because like like bawling Yeah, like bawling like because I couldn't do anything like I was like trying to move around and I was like We just need to get a hotel. I like I need to get out of this house. Like I can't be here because Everywhere I go like i'm getting a new bite somehow like i'm not even noticing that they're biting me anymore because my other welts Fucking hurt so I don't notice when they're on me and I can't take them off Um, and I yeah, I literally got bit all

It's so bad, y'all. Dude, they literally went, like, on my hips. Weird.

They were trying to get in this coochie. They wanted a taste. They wanted a taste. They were like, girl, if the leg blood tastes good, what that coochie blood tastes like? They're living in there right now. Like, if I was a flea, I would live in there.

Yeah, it's nice and warm. Yeah, it's like a nice warm environment. Yeah, nice and... It's like... Like... Nice, warm, and soggy. It's homey. Um... But yeah, so basically, we ended up having to leave the house. Like, I was just like, I can't do this. Like... If I stay here another night, like, I'm probably gonna die. Like, I'm gonna pass away. Yeah. Um...

And I was kind of like, I'm okay getting bit. I was genuinely like, I'll stay in the flea-infested house. I know. I was like, you're fucking crazy. If my bites weren't welting up the way they were, I would have stayed in the house. Because I think by the second day...

Oh, Drew's socks also, like, they fucking multiplied by the millions in the bathroom.

And, like, it looked like I had burns on my feet. Like, it looked like my feet were, like, charcoal, like, burned because there were so many on me. It was, like, insane. But, like, I hope we're getting across. Like, it wasn't, like, three, four, five, ten, fifteen fleas. No, it was, like... It was, like, actually thousands of fleas. It was, like, we couldn't, like, walk around our house without, like, our legs getting jumped. Yeah. And... Also, me just, like, scratching the fuck out of my dirty head during this whole thing. Yeah. But, like...

I was going to say, we'll tell them about the hotel and then we'll tell them where the fucking fleas came from. Yeah. Um, hotel was beautiful. The hotel was a good hotel. It was like literally like a memory for me. It's going to be like a memory forever because it's like, it was like cute. Like we went swimming in our clothes in the pool, like past pool hours. And for some reason, no one fucking kicked us out. Literally no one kicked us out. And the waiter tried to have sex with me. He was like, you're back. We just live life. Like we, I know my life is a movie. I'm an anti-masker movie maker.

That's not true. I'm not an anti-masker. I believe in masks. I love saying that. Then I get really insecure of someone believing it. Yeah, someone could just cut it and be like, this bitch doesn't wear her mask. But yeah, it was fucking awesome. We like went to the hotel. I left Azul behind, obviously, because she fucking was covered in flea dirt. She was pissing me off. And I just booked like...

Also, we stayed the night that first night because we thought the house was going to get fumigated the next morning. But then it turned out it didn't get fumigated until today, which is why we're filming in the car because our house smells like gasoline. And it's also like a million degrees in there. It's so hot. We need to get a studio before it gets hot, hot. Because I don't know how the fuck we're going to do this.

We'll make it work. We'll film in the car. That'll be our special. It's like we film in the car when we can't take the kitchen. Literally, if you can't take the heat, we got out of the kitchen. Get out the fucking kitchen.

So we got a hotel. It was beautiful. It was a very, very pretty hotel. It was actually so funny. We, like, got there and we had the, like, smaller room. Yeah, and then we were like, where's the fucking bathtub? Like, it's a hotel. I want to take a bath. I want to take a bath. It's a fucking hotel. Like, what's the point? Someone's going to be like, that's so nasty. Bitch, y'all be pissing in the pool. Don't talk to me about a tub being nasty. Y'all be getting peed on. Like, don't talk about a dirty tub. To me. To me. Um...

So we upgrade to a suite. Y'all be getting pissed off. Squirt is piss and I'm okay with it. So we upgrade to a suite with a hot tub. It was like actually not that much more expensive. So we were like, whatever, let's just do it. Let's splurge on the money we're not making. And long story short, we don't have fleas anymore. Yeah, we don't have fleas anymore. Dude, no, we have to talk about dinner.

Oh, bitch. Wait, let's tell them where the fleas came from. Oh, the fleas came from our evil fucking neighbor. And if you're fucking watching this evil neighbor, we hate you and I want you to know that and I hope your house burns down. Okay, no. Don't say that. Literally. I don't like her. Like, she's mean. No, she is so fucking mean. She's literally evil. She's like conniving. I'm like, she's so fucking mean. She tells us to be quiet. No, but we're not loud. Like, okay. It was like 10 in the morning. No, it was 11. And I was like...

I was like playing music on a portable speaker, like in moving it around the house and cleaning the house like in the morning. Also, the neighbor we're talking about isn't in our building. It's literally the house next to our building. Which is so annoying. Like, shut the fuck up. But like, I'm cleaning the house, like playing my music. And I am very adamant to not make it loud because I'm like, oh, like some neighbors might still be asleep. And I'm like, oh, she's yelled at us in the past. Like, I'm not going to play our music loud. Yeah.

And she like, instead of texting me or Enya, like...

marches her ass over, like, bangs on my door, mind you. Like, I'm still PTSD ridden from fucking home invasion. I'm like, who the fuck is at my door right now? This is actually scary. Like, it was like, it wasn't a normal knock. It was like, a rage. It was rooted in anger. She was projecting her anger onto you. Yeah, it was a rage filled knock and she banged on my door and I was, and I was walking down the stairs and she banged again and I was, I was angry and I was like, I'm fucking coming. Like, I said that really loud at the door and I opened the door and I was like,

Like, what? Like, what's up? Like, why are you banging on my door like that? And she was like, oh, I'm sorry. Your music's really loud. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It was literally like fucking classical music. Yeah, it was like, yeah, it was not like crazy music. She was like, your music's really loud. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, okay, don't bang on my door like that. And she's like, okay. And I'm like, I'll turn down my music. And then she goes away.

But, like, it... She, like, came guns blazing yelling at me. If we could have just had a normal fucking conversation, it would have been okay and I wouldn't be holding this grudge and I wouldn't be as mad about her fucking giving us fleas. But since she gave us fleas and yelled at me, I'm like, okay, like, you're done for. Like, you're, like, going in my burn book. Dude, shut your out. I'm literally putting her in my death note. Like, I'm sorry. She's, like, one of the only people I hate. The fucking annoying thing is, like...

Bitch, how are y'all not getting bit up? I know y'all are getting bit up. And we know it's them because the night it all started when Orion and Elisa were leaving, they literally had to change clothes in the front. And our neighbor was leaving to go walk the dog. And I was like, this is a crazy question, but are you having a flea issue right now? And he was like, I'm not. But my girlfriend literally just came home and she was covered in fleas before she entered the house. And we both come into our houses at the same side. And I'm like...

Bitch, this bitch is giving us fleas. And the exterminator today was like, oh yeah, there's not a lot of fleas on that side. But on this side, the gate where our shit is separating. He was like, dude, it's crazy. I have to go spray back there again. And I was like, bitch, fuck you. Go take care of your shit. Anyways, that's going to piss me off. But yeah, on top of that aside...

We're like, fuck these people who are, like, annoying and, like, so evil and, like, mean to us because we're loud. And we were literally being so evil. We're the evil loud ones. Me and Drew just get into this, like, fit where we, like, want attention from, like... Strangers. But it doesn't have to be good attention. It can just be, like... Yeah, no. It can just be, like, we're, like, obviously annoying. Like, what the fuck?

Literally, I was just now in Erewhon. Like, it's just fun. I just like getting looks from people. I like giving people stories. That's what it's all about. Yeah. They go home and they tell the stories about, like, I just saw the craziest fucking people ever at the grocery store. And we're pretty good at who we, like...

Annoy because it's usually like young people our age and like specifically like white random people like it's always fun when it's just like random white people because it's like you deserve to be a little annoyed like I don't know like who you are what your story is but like you deserve to be a little like you deserve your feathers rustled it's just fun but we were literally at dinner and we were just like

on one for some reason. I don't know what we were on. I literally had a drink and I like was so tired and I like had forgotten that I like didn't eat because I was too busy crying and like shedding my skin all day. And I was just so exhausted that I literally felt like somebody fucking put meth in my ass. Like I was off one. Yeah.

I was off my rocker, off my $20 margarita. Dude, and we have been in sync emotionally recently. I know. I know we boasted about being, like, out of sync. But, like, recently, like, when I'm low, Enya's low. And when Enya's high, like, we're higher. And it's because we feed off of each other. We feed off the energy. So, we were, like, at dinner. And you started it, bitch. Yeah, I was just, like...

I don't know how I started it. Dude, you just started it by being really loud about nothing. You were just like... Oh, yeah. I would just, like, just randomly just laugh as loud as fucking possible. Like, I'd be like... Like, really, really fucking loud. The thing is, it's, like, not funny to anyone but us. It's, like, cringey, probably. But I just do that really fucking loud. And it, like, makes me crack up. It's, like, bassy, too. It's, like, it's not something you hear. It's something you feel. Like, it's... It's, like, a feeling. One of the reasons you started this...

The couple, the older couple next to us. Like, actually, if anybody has, like, I could probably look this up and it's like, I don't need to be asking this. But we went to BCD Tofu House and someone put beer into their rice. And I was like, I'm so intrigued by that. Like, I don't know, like, why they did that.

And I didn't ask and I didn't Google it cuz I'm a piece of shit and I just like want to know and if I don't know then I guess I'll never know. But me and Drew were just making the joke that we were like what if we were like so out of touch and just like No, what is that for? That looks gross. Why are you doing that? Like just like really out of touch and tone deaf. Or like just like super like tone deaf and like oh you're not like you're not supposed to be doing that like actually. That's bad. Like.

And we were just like cracking. Sorry, my car is literally overriding to turn off. And we were just cracking up from that. And then, oh, from us laughing from that, this like couple was on like what was very obviously a first date. And this like maybe a second. Yeah, maybe a second date. And the white girl of the duo was like giving us death stares from us laughing. She was like looking us up and down. So like we were just like, OK, we'll fucking look back. So we like we're making that face. We're just like.

Like, I was looking at everybody in the restaurant doing that, though. Like, I was trying to make eye contact with everybody. Dude, it was so funny when you scanned, and you were like, I literally just looked everyone in here in the eye. No, it was crazy. Like, I had never felt the way I felt that night. And I was, like, making full eye contact with people and, like, looking them up and down, like. And they were probably like, dude, who is this? Why is he judging me like this? Dude, and for some reason.

we were hella focused on the TV. Like, if we weren't doing that, we were dead silent watching TV. And all the TV was was commercials for the restaurant we were in. Celebrities love BCD tofu. But basically, and then Drew's doing that, and I, like, to him, I was like, what if I did this, but I just ended up doing it anyway? I was like, no, but what if I did this? And, like, she was sitting here next to me, and I, like, turned, and I was like...

I'm sure a lot of y'all have noticed we don't have many ads anymore. And you're probably thinking, wow, oh my God, I feel so bad for them. They deserve ads. But we're doing our job. You're not doing your job. You need to fucking subscribe and engage with me or I will never do my job again. I like, I can't believe I miss reading ads. I like, I miss the taste.

And like turned back to look her up and down. But she was going to be like, they're fucking bullies. No, but she they were. I will say she was really pretty. Like she was. Yeah, she was really pretty. But like she just gave an energy like she just gave an off energy. And like she's really angry. Like I was trying to excuse it.

There's no excuse for this behavior. We're like, something's wrong with this fucking stranger. Like, they don't find us being, like, obnoxiously annoying. And also, we were, like, talking so loud. We were being, like... There's no excuse for our behavior. And if you were there, like, I am wholeheartedly sorry that you experienced the wrath of Drew and Inyo, like, on one. But, like, we mean no harm by it. Like, we love you. Like... Yeah, I'm sorry if you're ever caught in the crossfire. Just know, like, it's fun.

For me. And you can talk shit about us. Like, we give you full permission to just talk shit. Yeah, everyone can talk shit about us, call us annoying. We know we are. And at the end of the day, like, I love myself. Guys, if we should kiss in one episode, let us know. Let us know. The kiss cam, the kiss cam episode. But yeah, that was literally so fucking fun. And then even walking back, we were, like, screaming in the streets, which has also been something we're doing so often. Screaming at Erewhon is literally so fun. It's so fun because, like, all the, like, wealthy people are just, like...

This is not the place to do that. It's such a close. They either try to act like they don't care and they like try their best not to look, but they're like, you'll catch them kind of being like, like looking at you. No, like because we're literally screaming. Like, dude. I'm like, they're such fucking freaks that literally we're sitting around and I'm like, ah!

We try to justify it, but there's no justifying it. We're the wrong in every situation. We're the obnoxious evil ones. Like, there's no justifying it. No, like, but it's so fun. And, like, it's especially fun when, like, someone's on a date because, like, they'll probably get married and they'll be like, I remember on our first date.

Everyone around us was so fucking annoying. We probably ruined like three relationships already. Yeah, no, we like three soulmates have been on like dates with each other, like three couples. And we like fully destroyed it because we destroyed their vibe. And they had to see each other like really agitated and annoyed on the first meeting. And they were like, I can't handle that. I can't do that. I can't do that.

Maybe the people around us should put therapy. But no, we're anti-Cupid. We, like, we see the couples that aren't supposed to be together and make sure they're not together. I think that is Cupid. I don't... No, Cupid puts the couples together. No, but I don't think he's putting bad couples together. No, that's our job. Anti-Cupid. No, I want to be Cupid. I'm just Cupid. Like, don't... Like, you're trying to make me someone I'm not. Yeah.

Well, you're Cupid and I'm anti-Cupid. Okay, yeah. Shut up. Anyways. Whoa. Where did that come from? Shut up. Where did that energy come from? Because you're being really fucking rude right now. Ew. Also, I had to wake up at fucking 8 a.m. No, actually at like 7.30 a.m. to go drop Azul's stinky, dirt flea covered ass at the vet. And then...

I went back to the hotel and I like fell back asleep for an hour before we had to go and like literally Drew when you tapped on my shoulder this morning to wake up I was like the most upset I've been in my whole life. And also I was like so stressed out and like. We shared a bed and cuddled last night. Yeah we made love. Should we tell them or no? No we shouldn't. We shouldn't. Um I have pictures of us sleeping. Do you really? Yeah. Do you want to see them? Oh yeah I want to see them. Show them. Ugh.

Oh, actually, I did a video because I wanted to post it and put Anaconda where she's like, pussy, put his ass to sleep. Yeah, we shared a bed. It was really nice. It was really warm. Aw. I'm a cute sleeper. No, you're not. That's graceful. That's really cute. We'll just have Kai put it there. Yeah, it looks like nothing. I'm a cute fucking sleeper, though. You also get that. You get dirty sheets, but a cute sleeper.

Y'all want to see my tits? Um... Yes, please. Like, please?

I cannot. But yeah, that was our night. I'm like so annoyed because we have to go home and wash our sheets and do all of that. I call it first. Actually, I already put my sheets to wash so they just have to dry. No, I was going to try to get you to push your button so you could be like, well, I went in there. I went in there. Oh yeah, also the guy who fumigated our house literally didn't go into Drew and Josh's room because the doors were closed. Literally bullshit. So I think he thought he just like couldn't go in there but I was like, bitch, what the fuck? Like,

You're fumigating a house. Fumigate the house. Go in the house. The house down. No, fumigate the house. The house down, boots, Houston, we have a problem. No, Houston, I'm deceased. The house down, boots, Houston, I'm deceased. Boots. No, that's like actually fucking boots.

Bootsy. Next up on the agenda is the fact that literally people with, like, multiple siblings are fucking evil. That's why we're so annoying is because we grew up annoying siblings. Yeah. Like, our siblings and being evil to them. And now that we don't have that relationship...

We have to do it to strangers. Fighting for the light. I've said it before, fighting for attention. You gotta be annoying to get to the top of the attention food chain in a family of four. No, it's literally so fun. Family of six, sorry. Yeah, I'm a family of five. Five siblings. Well, we were six, but you know what happened. No, what happened? My brother died. No, he didn't.

Are you gaslighting me about my brother dying? I just think you're lying about having a dead brother. Why would I lie about that? Because you love attention. You literally just said it. Like, we could go back and you literally just said that. I'm lying about my brother dying. I was at dinner. He was hella confused. You're like, he's not dead. What are you talking about? My brother's in the 27 Club. Confetti falls from my roof.

But actually, before I forget, in Erewhon, Kai was like looking at sweets and stuff. And this girl walked by and I literally laughed. I said it to Kai and she just so happened to walk by as I was saying it. And she literally was like, are you fucking talking to me? And to Kai, I was like, what are you? What did I say? Tongue you. I was like, when are you going to let me tongue you, bitch? To Kai. And she turned and she looked at us and she was like, what the? What the hell?

What the hell? What the hell? It's not like that. There's two. No. Mario Judah does. No, I like the what the hell? The guy who like talks about the shoes. Why can't you just let me be me? Because I. Let me do me. Anyways. I started it. I was a fucking evil sibling. This is my admission to guilt on the internet. I would pick up a knife and be like, I'm literally going to stab you if you don't leave me the fuck alone.

fuck alone to my siblings oh my god i just realized the sibling story i'm gonna tell can i go first yeah dude so me and madeline we were like i used to love i used to love staying at my mama's house like my grand sorry i'm white i'm white big whoop i have a man i'm like bro man mom i don't know my abuela's name like i don't know her name her name is abuelita abuelita he said abuelita

Like I just said, I'm white. I'm white. I'm sorry. Okay, okay, go. I'm not apologizing for being white. I'm literally going to shit myself. I haven't shit all day. I have to pee so fucking bad and I just peed. But, okay, so I'm staying at my abuela's house. I'm staying at my grandma's house. Mamaw. And it's like...

Pretty late at night. And I used to love going there because we could watch whatever we wanted on TV. Oh, so your grandma, like, didn't, like, supervise you and take care of you the correct way? Well, you'll hear what happens. So, basically, we put on Billy and Mandy. And you know, like, Billy and Mandy has, like, the Grim Reaper character, like, representing death or whatever. And, like, for a child's cartoon, like, being, like, nine years old is kind of, like... Oh, my God. I'm so burpy. It's kind of crazy, right? No, I...

I don't know that we read it like that, though. No, I definitely didn't. But, like, in a grandparent's view who grew up in, like, the 1800s or whatever. I don't fucking know how old they are. The 1800s. Literally ancient. It kind of looks gnarly, right? Yeah. But so...

We're watching it, and my granddad comes into the room and is, like, super angry about it because he's, like, a very religious man. Boo! He's like, what the heck are you guys watching? And turns it off and is, like, kind of just, like, starts, like, talking to us about it. And he's like, y'all shouldn't be watching that. Like, that's the devil's work. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. Whatever.

Fast forward, like, 30, maybe 15 minutes later, and I forget what Madeline did, but she did something to piss me off enough where I, like, grabbed... I was nine years old. I grabbed a knife from the fucking kitchen and chased her around the house with a knife saying, I'm gonna fucking stab you. I was, like, nine years old. I was like, I'm gonna stab you. I'm gonna stab you. And, like, I wasn't gonna stab her, but I wanted to scare her. I wanted to scare her. And...

She was running. I don't think she thought I was going to stab her. Maybe I should be locked up. I'm like, I think she thought you were going to stab her. You were literally chasing her. But yeah, long story short, I didn't stab my sister. My granddad had now more ammunition to not let us watch cartoons at his house. And for the rest of time, I'm pretty sure we watched fucking Strawberry Shortcake Girl. What's her name? Strawberry Shortcake. Is that her name? Yeah. Okay, we watched like that in Tinkerbell cartoons. Like...

Explains a lot. No, but it was cool. I literally... I tried to stab my sister. I can't remember me... I know Dante and Sophia would piss me off and I'd be in the kitchen making a coffee. This is me growing a shit. I was in ninth grade and I would pick up the knife and I'd be... No, you weren't. Dude, I've been doing that too where someone will say something and I'm like, why are you lying? You're lying right now.

Like, why are you lying? What are you doing? And I would literally pick up the knife and I'd be like, I'm going to stab you and then stab myself if you don't leave me the fuck alone. It would literally be them talking to me. Oh my God. Actually, one time I was taking a nap. I was really angry in middle school. Like, I had like, Drew's seen it. Like, I had very like intense like anger issues.

issues. One time I was taking a nap on my sister's on Natalie's bed because we had a bunk bed and she was a top bunk and I was like taking a nap up there and Dante came to wake me up because I had to wash the dishes. It was like my turn to wash the dishes and I woke up and I was so mad that I went to go like I meant to go hit the wall and the window was next to me and I punched a hole through the window and then I like taped it up because I was scared that my dad was going to see it and then like weeks later he was like

Wap into the window and I was like, oh, I was like sleeping and I woke up and I like stretched out my legs and I kicked it by accident. And I got away with it. That's crazy that you got away with that. I literally punched the fucking window and I would like break shit all the time when my siblings would talk to me because I'd be like literally... You've done gnarlier shit than that. Gnarlier shit than that? Yeah. I talked about... Yeah, you've done gnarly shit. Tell them that. You're like, no, go ahead. Get your dirt out. Sophia used to piss me off. Um...

when we would get in arguments and like if I didn't feel like fist fighting her because I was so mean to Sophia like I don't know if we've talked about it but I was so fucking mean like me and Sophia were like about the same size when I was in high school and

um so she always thought she could like fist fight me and win and i was so evil about it and i would let her like go to touch me and i'd be like no fight me like it'll be a fair fight and i would literally grab her by the hair and like throw her on the floor and like hold her down and like oh my god like literally be like don't fucking talk to me my brothers would be the shit out of me yeah i would do this thing called turkey tapping and they would literally hit my chest this episode is literally us being evil we're like why do we why do things like flee

fleas happen to us like it's all the karma they would get them they would pin me down and like literally like spit loogies in my face like like do the thing where you like let it droop down and then it would hit my cheek and then it like literally no it like i there are very few things i'm afraid of in life but like loogies are like the absolute most disgusting fucking thing ever to happen to humanity and like if i see you hawk a loogie around me like i'm sorry but like

I'd be hocking loogies on you. And I call you out every time. I'm like, that's like the worst thing I've ever seen. Yeah, no, I will say like that guttural spit tastes awful. That guttural spit. No, it's actually like I'm about to get it. Especially if it's not your spit. It literally tastes like fucking butt butt. Like it tastes so fucking nasty. Who's hocking loogies on you and whose loogies are you eating? Oh, my therapist. Yeah. My therapist gives me her little gut loogie. That's actually really sweet. But basically what I would do...

When Sophia would piss me off and I'd be like, when we were getting a little older and I was like, we shouldn't be fighting like this because I'm like literally 17 and you're 14. And if I slap the fuck out of you, it feels illegal now. Even though I would still slap the fuck out of her when she pissed me off. But I would literally be like, I'm going to go spit on your bed. And if she kept being rude to me, I would go and I would hawk loogies all over her fucking bed so she would have to wash her sheets.

Or sleep in my spit. So naughty. So bad. And, like, there were times where she pissed me off and I didn't, like, have it in me to fight or do anything. And I would just spit on her bed in silence and let her, and, like, watch her sleep in it. And I'd be like. That's so evil. That is pure fucking evil. I don't like that. And you relished in it. Like, you relished in her. Oh, yeah. Do you know how good it felt to, like, all of us to go to the room to go to sleep and me watch her crawl in bed after she pissed me off? And I'm like. Do you think people spitting in food at, like, restaurants is a real thing? I think so because I'd fucking do it.

We know you'd do it. I don't think it's a real thing. But at the same time, like... Just like how you were like, y'all literally be getting pissed on, y'all be getting spit on. I'm like, it's not that bad. No, like... I'm like, frame it a little different and you might find that you enjoy it. I've seen... I've like...

thought about it and i was like if someone's spitting my food now and i'm eating it like honestly i don't care like don't tell me i'm ignorant ignorance is bliss and also if i find a piece of and you don't have delta i don't care if you have delta give it to me i want delta like low-key do not fucking say that because we live together bitch um no but if i find like a hair in my food like i also don't give a shit yeah i don't fucking care i'm like bitch we're humans like

I don't care. Like... Oh, that's what I was gonna say. Literally, us getting fleas, like, is really cute and human. Like, it's the most... It's the most human thing you can do. It was. I literally, like, involuntarily was picking them off of me and started singing. We were, like, picking bugs. Like, it was really cute. And it was just, like, aw, like...

Humans like are just cute. We just do cute little human things and just be like cute little humans like this is the most human This is human shit like like us talking. No, this is the most dystopian thing We're sitting in my car with the AC on low so we don't suffocate in here and filming something We like that is our job. Don't make me existential. Um, but yeah, I was fucking evil But Sophia was fucking evil too. I have a very distinct memory one time I pissed her off and

And we were outside in the backyard. And this is... This is fucked up because this is when Sophia was, like, five. And I was, like... She was maybe, like, six or seven. And I was maybe, like, nine or ten. And I was outside. And I was standing on our, like, playground thingy in our first house. And...

I don't know what I did to piss her off, but I pissed her off. And my dad works in construction and he had like these big metal stakes that like you like hammer into the ground to build fences with. She literally picked one up on the pointy end and held it up to me while I was standing and like pressed it up against me. Good for her. And she was like, I'm going to fucking kill you. And I'm not kidding. She has like hazel eyes and I swear to God, I saw her eyes turn black and I was like so scared. And it literally scared me so bad. I like jumped up and I was like, ah!

And I ran inside and I cried. But I didn't snitch because I'm not a fucking snitch. But I did beat her ass later. Good. And that's how you do it. You don't snitch. You beat the fuck out of the person. I think that's what siblings are made for is like hardening your shell. Like just getting. Yeah. Beating each other up. Like if I like. No. Okay. I have like a story where I don't even want to tell the one I told earlier. That one's just gnarly. No. I like frisbee to hang her at my sister and like it hit her in the neck.

It, like... I, like, threw a hanger like that. It was kind of a joke, but it was out of anger also. And it hit her in the neck, and she, like, couldn't breathe for, like, two minutes. And, like, I was like, oh, my fucking God, I just killed my sister. But we're twins, so it doesn't really matter. One time I got into a physical fight with Dante, and he literally, like, pinned me up against the wall like a high school bully and, like, lifted me off the ground. He was like, don't touch me. And then we never got into a physical fight again. Good. Because he was pissing me off, and I think I slapped the fuck out of him. I'm trying to think, like... I know, like...

Me and my friends were shitheads to my brothers, so then they would, like, retaliate. But, like, I don't know if that's, like, legal. Like, if I'm allowed to say that, the taser story. Well, nothing happened. I can't bring that up and then not say it. But basically... I know, you're like, oh, I don't know if it's legal. Like, me and my siblings, something about tasers. So, basically...

I had a taser when I was like... This is going to change people's perspective on us. I had a taser when I was like 11 years old and like my oldest brother was like, yo, if you want this taser, you have to tase yourself so you know what it feels like so you don't go around tasing people. That's pretty good. Yeah, it was a really good idea. So he tased me in my leg and that was that. I had that taser now. Mind you, like he was like the cool older brother. Like he had weapons and shit. It was fun. Um...

And then... Like... I don't know how much time passed, but, like, me and my friends were being shitheads. And, like, one of my friends that I wasn't really good friends with had the taser. And he, like, went and tased one of my brothers. And, like...

they didn't do anything immediately, but they were pissed off. They were like, oh, we're going to retaliate. And like, this kid was like kind of nerdy. Like I felt really bad for him. So I was like, yo, like come hang out with us. Like I want to take you under my wing so you can like not be alone all the time. And he lived in the same neighborhood, so it was like convenient. So like he came over and,

And my brother said the funniest thing the other day, but he was like, dude, like if you could, like there were very few people who could like survive the Phillips household. And like, if you made it like through, like you were chill. Like you could, if you could handle like the first few days of haze or the first couple months of hazing, like, and you made it out, like you're hard bodied, like whatever. But like this kid like tased my brother and they were pissed or that maybe he tased one of my brothers since whatever, it doesn't matter. But basically my brothers, we were playing basketball on the basketball court.

And my brothers, like, came out there with a taser and, like, started chasing him around the house with this taser, like, tasing, like, making it make sound. Yeah. And he ran upstairs and then, like, cornered himself like a dog. It's, like, the saddest thing in the world. And my brothers were like, we're going to tase you now, like, and buzzing the taser. And tasers are loud as fuck and, like, scary to, like, anybody who's about to get tased. So they're, like, doing it, getting closer and closer and closer. And then he just pisses himself. Yeah.

And like he pissed his jeans. I know he pissed his cargo pants. Like he had cargo pants on. This is a fucked up story. I know. He pissed his cargo pants. And like I gave him a pair of jeans and he went home and I never saw him again. Stop. But he never got tased. He deserves it. He tased my brother. Okay, yeah. I forgot that this all started because he tased your brother. But I was going to say this is something that like you get like you get asked to like host the Grammys or something. And then that kid comes out the window like.

He's like, his brothers tased me. He never, okay, he never got tased. He tased the person. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. He deserves to piss his pants a little. He deserves to be a little ashamed. Yeah. A little shame only did good for people. I was actually going to say, I like, literally, I'm like, this is going to change people's perspective on me.

I have like two like old vines where one, I just kick Natalie off the bed for a vine. She's like... You threw bananas at Natalie all the time. Yeah, she's fine and I push her off the bed and she's like... The last snippet of the vine is her screaming, crying. And then the other one is like...

like, Natalie and Leo, when they, like, had their iPads when they were younger, they, literally iPad babies, and they would be like, oh, can you look this up, like, can you, like, but Natalie and Leo, like, um, their first language was Spanish, it was actually so fucking cute, but they would always be like, can you put me, like, can you put me something, like, they'd be like, can you put me, um, like, whatever fucking cartoons they would watch, and, like, but sometimes it would fucking annoy me, because I'm like, bitch, I, like, I'm, like, 15, and I want to, like,

be on my iphone like stop talking to me and natalie like asked me to go get her a banana or some shit and like then she asked me to do that to do that and i was like what and like before recording it i just like threw it at her and the banana would like cup her face so nicely and it was like a soft like almost rotting banana yeah and then i just kept doing it and she surprisingly kept fucking coming back i don't think she cried at the end of that she was literally just annoyed she was just like can you

Yeah, I know like front in the vine. It just looked like she was having fun. Like it literally looked like a good time Like another two and then I had other ones where I would literally throw her on the couch like I would launch her around the room but me and Anthony like that's literally how we played is like literally me like launching her around and like spinning her around oh I have a vine where I literally like with my foot like kick her in the head and she falls on the sofa like but she Falls out of frame on the vine and it looks like I just launched her like I have so many vibes of me doing that Oh and Leo was terrified of monkeys like

terrified of monkeys so we would put monkeys like with big smiles like on his screen and we would chase him and he was scared of sharks and horses so there was like that picture of like the shark from jaws like coming out of the water and we would put it on and be like look look and like we would like put it on the iPad and run around we used to do the gnarliest shit to Madeline I've told you this before but like

Is this gnarly? I don't know. I don't think so. No, it's not. She was like, ugly girl. We would look up ugly girl on Google and be like, Madeline, this looks just like you.

And I'll insert the picture that we said. Okay, I answered it. The day you, like, told me that, I, like, literally started crying from laughing. Like, that is so funny. It was so mean. Shit, like, that is awesome. It's just sibling shit. Like, it never... I mean, dude, no. The shit... Remember when we told Leo? I took Leo to Disneyland when he came.

And he was scared to get on every ride and it was literally stressing me out. So I started crying at Disneyland because I was like, dude, I'm just torturing him. I bar him and he's like scared of everything. Please enjoy yourself. He couldn't even get on the fucking Ferris wheel, which is like kind of scary actually for a kid because the Ferris wheel that like topples around is literally terrifying. It feels like you're about to fall. The Jimmy Neutron ride was awesome. But the last ride we were getting on was the Haunted Mansion. And I was like, no, no, no, no. It's the Fancy Mansion. Like, yeah.

And like we just told him it was called the fancy mansion. I think I like to think he had a good time and he just wanted to say he was scared on the fancy mansion. The haunted mansion. Dude, calling it the fancy mansion is literally so fucking funny. Like and then I remember the moment he realized it was scary is when we were all in the lobby and the lights turned off and like there was like spooky sounds and he was like, ah, like started screaming. The wallpaper going forever.

wait can we talk about how disney's like really nice i haven't been in so long and i actually want to go back so bad but that's where the delta variant that's where that's where it came from the lambda chi variant is there the what the lambda chi variant alpha omega alpha ruby omega sapphire are you bolder or crystal those are you're naming off pokemon types

You're so annoying. Stop. You made that weird. That wasn't weird. You're gaslighting me. I was going to say, we have to talk about your stupid fucking Popeye thing you said out loud. Do we have to talk about it? Yes, because I cannot believe you said that. Like, it's not funny. I was like, Drew, is there anything you want to talk about for a podcast? And this is something he said. Okay. I was like, I thought about it. We could use Popeye biscuits to curb flooding.

You just throw them in the streets and they absorb all the water. Literally, that's what I thought a ShamWow does. You can throw them in lakes. What the fuck happened to ShamWows? The dude literally, I think, was like evil. I'm not kidding. I think he was like a bad person or something. I don't know. Oh, we were going to talk about how I think and I think a lot of people think right now that the weather app is fucking lying about how hot it is. It is hotter than the weather app is saying because I'll look up a temperature. The other day...

Siri had the audacity to tell my ass at 1 p.m. that it was 78 degrees outside. In Los Angeles. No, it wasn't. I got in my car. Wait, I do believe that because it feels way hotter than it is outside. No, yeah. It's always like, oh, it's like 82 when you go outside and I'm not kidding. I'll get in my car and my car temperature is reading that it's like 90 something outside. Well, it is like actually confirmed that outside.

The iOS app. No, it's real. I swear to God, it's real. I'm looking this up. You're lying. It confirms. They don't show the temperature 69. I swear on my entire life. In the iOS weather app. And it's because, like, no one knows why, but it's literally written into their code to not show the temperature 69. So it's either 67 or 68 or 70, but they won't show 69. And it's like, if they can lie about that, they can lie about the weather.

Big weather. Oh, it is true. I know. Everybody's always like, boy, shut the fuck up. No, it's real. Like, it's literally in the code. Boy. Boy. And, I mean, literally, what else are the big companies telling us about? Okay, so the weather app won't tell us.

That it's 69 out, but they give us the peach, eggplant, and wet, wet emoji. Ooh, and you know they know what we're using them for. Have you ever used the eggplant emoji seriously? No. I don't think I've ever done that. I've never used that emoji seriously, and I've never used the squirting emoji seriously. Maybe I've used the squirting one seriously. I am like... I'm a serial... You sexed with emojis? No, but I've like...

Like, jokingly, but, like, flirting, but, like, kind of serious. But there's, like, some irony in it. Yeah, there's a little bit. But I do fully... I'll use the, like, smiley devil one, like, seriously. Yeah. Like, I use emojis fully seriously. I know. It was, like, once I turned...

Like, 2021, all emojis became serious. Yeah, and I... Like, I don't jokingly use anything. Like, I... The only one I still can't use is the crying laughing emoji. I use it all the time. I can't use it. I don't know. It's, like, so seared into my brain. Like, ironic and, like, oh, my parents used that seriously. Like, I can't use that. And now I want to use it so fucking bad. His family just walked by and this little kid popped his head up.

I want to use it so bad and I just... No, I use the crying cat all the time. And I use the regular crying. I use all the emojis seriously. Like, if I ever sent you an emoji, I was being 100% serious. Yeah, all my emojis are real. Like, every single one of them are real. And I find ones that, like, are, like, rare. I'm like, oh, no one's using this. I have my signature emoji. I'm like, yeah, because of the flea thing, my emoji right now is a mosquito emoji. If anybody else uses a mosquito emoji... I use the cockroach. You are a cockroach, bitch. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Wait, not me going to read off my fucking recent emoji. Dude, oh my god, cockroaches are literally terrifying. Yeah, like, I seriously use the smirking devil emoji, like, in a, like, sexy way. Where's my phone? Where's my phone? You don't need your phone. I want to look at my emojis. No, but, like, not, like, I don't want to hear all of them, bitch. Emoji city. Emoji city. Just, what's one that you use that, like, most people would find ironic, but you, like, have seriously used? Um, the American flag.

You used it seriously? Yeah. No. No, you used it. Boy, come on. Like, why is your car that fucking loud, asshole? You used it after war. No, the... This one. No, I use it because Hillary Clinton can still win 2020. You are so... Or the 2016 election. I use that silly emoji unironically, and I use the head exploding all the fucking time unironically. Yeah, I use the head exploding all the time. The crying thing. They literally just ran over, like, all those polls. They did. I know.

We need to... I'm going to say their license plate publicly. Jocks them. Shame, shame. But yeah, I use all my emojis seriously because I'm a fucking adult and that's what you do when you get old. And I know some like 17 year old is going to be like, ew, I can't believe that. Trust me, once you turn like 20 something and your brain clicks and emojis are serious. Once you stop irony poisoning yourself, life becomes so much better. Like I saw someone talking about like becoming basic again. I think it might have been...

Downward spiral? I don't know. Someone was talking about, like, I see the appeal of being, like, just a normal fucking person. Like, I want to be that so bad. It looks so fun. Oh, it was Dana. It was Dana saying it.

I just like, I don't know that I care. I don't care about being seen as like cringy or corny or anything. Like I'm like, bitch, you, you care because you're insecure because I was once insecure and cared a lot about being seen as corny. Will I still see something and be like, that's fucking corny. You're whack. Yes. But that's like,

Because it's actually corny and whack. Yeah, and I'm also like, I'm okay, and I'm like self-aware that I'm like also projecting because like, actually no, some shit is just whack. I'm like. Kill the part of you that cringes, not the part that's cringey. One, and we need to kill corny culture. I think, I think it's, like you said, all stemmed in insecurity. No, it fully is. Because, and that's why I'm okay with being a bitter fucking hater because I know a lot of times I'm projecting and I'm a piece of shit and I'm okay with that. Oh, look, that's sweet. They're picking it up.

Oh, no, they just kicked it. Assholes. Oh, they're gonna go smoke on the roof. I'm literally like, where are they going? They look like they fucking stink. Okay, not us being like... Not us being like... They saw it. That was real. That was real. That was us in live time being bitter bullies.

I swear I wasn't doing that on purpose. Like, they literally do look like they stink. They're like two white dudes with flip-flops on. If you're wearing thong sandals out as a man, you need to go to fucking therapy. You need to figure your shit out. I know your shit stinks. I know you don't cut your toenails, and I know your shit stinks. Period. Like, I know you fucking smell like balls. Just wear slides. Please just wear slides. Please. Also, men... Anya has a lot of opinions on men loving themselves and taking care of themselves. I can't be the only person...

Straight men, like, feeling themselves and taking pictures of themselves. I'm like, why are you doing that? Like, I want a man who is, like, confident and, like, likes himself. But I'm like, if I'm driving us around and I look over and you're taking a fucking selfie because the sun is on you or something, I'm crashing the car. I'm crashing it into the median. I'm crashing it and I'm blaming you. I'm unbuckling your seatbelt and crashing. Yeah, I'm unbuckling your seatbelt and getting us in a T-bone accident because you shouldn't be doing that. Like...

Like, you don't have, like, the fucking New York Times app to be looking at. Like, why are you looking at yourself? Dude, play chess. Play chess. Actually, don't be on your phone. I also can't stand, like, a man who's on his phone so much. Like, what do you have going on?

Who are you texting? I wish I was kidding. Like, I was in the car with, like, I've just been in situations with, like, men. And I'm like, I literally will out loud be like, why are you on the phone so much? Who are you texting? I'm like, you are so, not even that. I'm like, you are so embarrassing. Like, you don't want to look outside and, like, be, like. What is there to look at in L.A.?

We weren't driving around L.A. Concrete jungle. Concrete jungle. That's New York, you fucking idiot, bitch. See, if you look at the fucking window, you would know. Also, maybe, like, again, I'm projecting because I get car sick and I can't look at the phone. You're jealous. So I'm like, bitch, can you fucking talk to me? You're jealous of what I can do. No, you just, like, as, like, why the fuck are you looking? Like, what is on there? Stop. Are you fucking kidding me?

You're literally losing. No, I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. Men should have burners. Like, you don't need an iPhone. What do you need an iPhone for? If you want to post on IG, wait till you get home. Go have an iPod Touch.

they'll have an ipad bring your burner and your ipod touch with no service if you have a phone with service as a straight man no like what are you up to like no good like you're up to no good on that thing you're either yeah you're sexting someone and i don't like that i was gonna say you're you're sexting someone no i just don't like it it's so gross but yeah i could go on for days and you goes on for days and days and days i just have a lot of opinions about like

Straight men. I'm like, ew, you should like... You shouldn't love yourself. That's what she gets at. No, like you should be confident, but don't take off... Like, ew, when a man... Stop. Someone the other... No, I won't.

I will say it is really cringy. Oh my god, here I go. Like, I'm so hypocritical. It is just like something else. No, there's something a little funky about a man who's like posting a lot of pictures of himself. I'm like, a man's IG, a straight man's IG shouldn't just be pictures of himself. I'm like, something's going on here. Well, as a straight man, my IG's all pictures of myself. What did you just call me? As a straight man. Oh, okay. So now we're just saying things. Okay, as a politician. Like...

Um, yeah, I just like, you didn't see something on your walk you want to post? Like, do you go walking? You didn't see the magnolia tree? You could take a picture of the magnolia tree and say, it smells like pussy. It smells like pussy out here. And it's the magnolia tree. Y'all know what I'm talking about. The pussy willow. The stinky tree. No, they smell like a sneeze to me. They smell like cum. They smell like cum and sneezes. Tomatoes taste like cum. Stop. No one wants to have that conversation. You can't keep saying that because...

Every day, my, like, my go-to, like, meal right now, anywhere I go, like, no matter where I am, I get, or I make it myself, is soft scrambled eggs, avocado, and slices of tomatoes. Like, it's, like, all I will eat right now. And Drew said that the other day, and I literally was eating my breakfast, and I wanted to throw up because I, like, I chewed on the tomato for too long, and I was, like, really getting into it. I'm like...

It's like when you're eating red meat, you can start tasting the farm. We always talk about cock and balls and pussy on here. We always make it a point. You can start tasting the farm when you're eating red meat. And also, yeah, just like they... It's just a big part of our life, cock, balls, and pussy. No, we are just like... I can't say... The P word makes me uncomfortable. Yeah, okay, man, with a straight Instagram. I'm straight as hell.

Me too. This is my girlfriend. I can't... This is my girlfriend. Yeah, this is my... Yeah, no, this is my boyfriend. That's, like, chill. Yeah. I am straight. And don't get it fucking twisted. Yeah! Absolutely... It got in my fucking eye. But, yeah, we always bring it to cock and ball somehow. But I think that's it for the episode. Maybe we don't have to talk about cock and balls anymore. We can just shut up. I literally have Red Bull in my fucking eye. Okay, let's get on to the goddamn media. So, also, like, I just want to, like...

like maybe we could put no I was gonna say maybe we could put a disclaimer like this episode might change your views on us like we're pieces of shit like we're not good people I like I think people know we're not good people no we are good people but we're just like I say that all the time I'm like I am nice I just like

A nice person doesn't have to explain that they're nice. I don't give a fuck. Yes, I can. I can do whatever the fuck I want because I'm nice. No, we are nice people. We just, like every fucking human on goddamn planet Earth, we like to judge people. Yeah, it's literally like friendly woods. Like, the key to life is complaining. Like, that's why I would finger bang the fuck out of friendly woods and let her do the same to me is because, like, a bitch who loves to complain, she is getting, like, pretty old, though. I would still have sex with her. Really? Yeah, I would.

Because, like, what? Like, why would I have sex with her? Are you kidding me? Like, she would not have sex with me. I'm so fucking annoying. She'd be like, you are annoying and, like, two years old and I fucking hate you and I want you to die. Oh my god, you're gonna be Fran Lebowitz when you're older. Yeah, that's, like, a dream. That's the goal. That's the goal is to be a bitter old haggardy bitch who lives in New York and, like, wrote a book and, like, is living off of that for the rest of your life. Mmm.

Actually, she's done a lot more than that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Fran. Like, we can still fuck. Like, please. We should get her on the podcast. My public hit list of celebrities now is Drake, who I don't know who that really is. I've just, like, heard, like, things about who he may be. Oh, the rapper Drake. The what? The rapper Drake.

You don't know what a rapper is? No, I don't know what that means. Oh, my fucking God. We have so many celebrity hits. Oh, wait. And literally Bob Odenkirk. Yeah, Bob Odenkirk. Those are my three hits. Public. Public hits. Yeah, public hits. But there's a lot more. And me and Nia had this conversation today about someone. We were like, what if I...

Oh, I'll publicly say. No, I'll say one of them because I told her to her face. Is Devin like literally I told Devin that the delusion we both have is like I told her about. I don't know if I told you this at the heaven like thing. I told her that I had that we had that conversation when it looked like her and Jesse were like engaged. And I was like, dude, I'm not kidding. I literally went to Drew's room and I was like, it's over. Like we like our chances. We missed our chance. And I was like telling her like that we both have the delusion like one that like.

that would happen between us and then also like that that would happen between y'all and she like was very flattered by it but I was like you think I'm just being like a funny person right now but I'm like being serious we are in love with Devin Lee Carlson as I think there might be something wrong with you if you don't no literally there's I don't know anybody who like doesn't want to like marry Devin yeah I just want to hug her you hugged you've hugged her let's get on to the music let's get on to the music

All right. You want to go first? No, I'll go first. Yeah, you can go ahead. The first song is La Gato Bajo La Lluvia by... I cannot say her name. I can't say names. But... La vida es... Yeah, that one. Stay With Me by Pharrell. I Feel by The Sundays. Hole in the Earth. Deftones. Please Don't Attack Me. I don't know why I'm scared to say that I dabble in Deftones. I'm like, I think I'll get bullied.

Well, I've been listening to Beyond Saving by Meat Computer. He's hitting it again. He's hitting it again on purpose. Oh, wait. No, he's not. No, he's not. I was being nosy. And they did fix it. Beyond Saving by Meat Computer, Beam on Your Toes by RxNephew, and let's say Trois Gymnopies by Gary Newman. I let you take that one because...

And I rewatched Climax recently and it still stays in my top five. I think maybe top one of all time. I fucking love that movie. I didn't rewatch it. I watched like the parts that I wanted to watch. It's fucking awesome. Magnum Opus. Really, really great movie. And then I watched, let me go to my letterbox because I can't remember. I think what you're about to say is literally what I was going to say. Oh no, never mind.

I'll just go ahead. Um, I watched fear and it was fucking dude. The ending is so funny. Oh my God. It was a really good movie. And also the Sundays is like one of the main songs is wild horses, which is also like one of my top songs. I've just been for the past like seven months, like in such a like rut for the Sundays. Like I love the Sundays. Like that's probably one of my favorite bands ever. Like,

All their music is so good. It's so annoying. The deus ex machina at the end when he just fucking whatever happens happens. Just watch it. It's pretty funny. It's really, really great. Oh, bitch. This is what I was going to talk about. I watched the worst movie I have ever fucking seen in my entire life. And I've watched all of the bad movies. I am so stupid. I'm looking at your letterbox right now and I saw that ad and I was like...

I was like, why is your phone call going now? No, but it was legitimately like...

Like, actually hard for me to watch. Like, it was physically hard for me to watch. And, like, I normally like movies that are fucking awful. Like, the worst movies ever. Like, I'm down for it. Was it, like, what's that one that's, like, with everyone spontaneously combusting? Yeah, like, I think it's called Spontaneous. Dude, that movie was fucking awful. It, like, I just enjoy a bad movie as much as a good one because, like, it's fun to laugh. It's fun to, like...

make fun of this movie as you're watching it, but this one was fucking terrible beyond like comprehension. I don't understand like what, how they missed so far, missed the mark so hard. It's called Fangirl. But it just really is like fucking absolutely rancid and here's, I'll read my review for it on Letterboxd.

I can normally enjoy a bad movie as much as a good one, but this one was genuinely the worst movie I've ever seen, and not in a good, irony-poisoned way. The movie made my skin crawl and caused restlessness in my body to the point where it actually felt like I was experiencing opium withdrawals again. With every fiber of my being, I wanted to leave, but I couldn't look away from this train wreck. I think the director was actually...

in full-blown withdrawals be the way nothing correlated or made sense it was like one big hallucination i don't under i understand that this wasn't meant to be a masterpiece but come on bro like what the fuck happened the single redeeming quality of that movie was a gorilla run and gun style photo shoot at the end with fucking tina fey and i guarantee she doesn't know she's in this movie i one one million percent can guarantee that she doesn't know she's in this movie

But just like absolute madness. Just terrible, terrible movie. But fucking watch it. Watch Fangirl so you can suffer with me so you can be sympathetic and feel what I feel. And that is that on that. I hope you guys have an awesome day. Be back next week because we're going to have sex. Next podcast, we have sex.

Peace, love, unity, and respect. Say bye, Kai. Bye, guys. Do you have anything else to add? Next episode, Drew and Annie are going to folk. Ooh, you heard it here first, folks. Correct. Bye. Bye.