the galaxy gas episode
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Okay. Hey, guys. Welcome to this episode of Emergency Intercom. Guys, this is a special spectacular bed episode. And I want to address how I was wronged today by Enya. I was misled and lied to. And two days ago, she said, oh, like, it would be so cute and cozy. Like, we can do, like, a bed episode where we're in our PJs.

I drove over here in my fucking PJs that are rotten, dilapidated. Okay, to be fair, I never told this grown-ass man to walk through the lobby of Chateau Marmont in those funky-ass fucking clothes. He could have worn something else. Guys, okay, I did dye the armpits black before as a bit, so this is not real. This is a part of the bit. Let me see. No. Is it bad?

It's not the worst. In certain lighting, in super, super yellow lighting. Definitely in this lighting, it's going to look crazy. Yeah, when it gets dark out, it's cooked. It's fried. It's over for me. I'm going to rope Max. Where's that? Hang myself. Oh, okay.

Oh my god, speaking of that, I spoke to a psychiatrist today. Oh, how did that go actually? I mean, we don't have to spill tea on here, but... Ew, why did I say that? We don't have to spill tea. Saturday, Saturday. That was like... Saturday, Sunday. No, that was like... That was millennial gay of me. To say let's spill tea. It's like the Kermit frog sipping tea emoji. Or like noted. Yeah.

noted we need to bring that back low key noted was that was fire that died way too quickly oh my god that was good and then I can't believe we all used to like use the frog emoji for real for real like the face the Kermit frog the Kermit with the tea with the tea because he was sipping tea with the tea

We'll insert like the emojis on top of the screen. No, people have to know what we're talking about because if they don't, then we need to stop this fucking podcast. We're like old as fuck. Because in my head, that's not that long ago, but I guess that was like 2016. No, that wasn't that long ago. That was a decade ago. Eight years ago. Oh my God, bro. You know what's fucked up is I used to, when we first started our tradition, we

Of sitting around. No, like, come on. That was like, that's not even a tradition. Oh, of adding Kai as a third. As adding Kai as the watcher. As the polyamorous. Oh, yeah. Guys, we have a Kai cam for this episode. I'll insert it right here. Yeah, take it off now. Yeah. No. Oh, he wanted to sit. I didn't even put it on you. He had a bit plan. He wanted to sip his. Oh, yeah. You guys know the cock chair? Yeah.

Continue the podcast? Ew. You really threw me off. You should have put some apple juice in there. He said what? You really threw me off. You threw me for a loop there. We should have put some apple juice in there so it looked like you were having champagne and not room temperature sparkling water. Yeah, Drew gave me this warm ass water. I was begging him for some hydration. He gave me this shit. You're actually welcome. Like what?

Yeah, I went in here. Also, Kai did the classic thing of like a bitch who's too lazy. He's like, oh, is there any water in here? Like, you want one of us to get you water. Like, wow. Like...

No, I was saying that and I was like, oh, is there any water? And then in my head, I was like, if you told me where the water was, I would have like bolted over and gotten it for myself. Yeah, you would have. And I would have poured you a glass and you a glass. Three by three feet and you would have tripped on the wire. Oh, and you got the world's smallest room. It's literally close quarters. And honestly, it was all I needed. Me and Orion just sat in bed all day. And that's what I needed. Like, I didn't need a big room. I was like, I just needed a room. Wait, y'all were in, girls were in bed together? We didn't have clothes on and stuff.

What the hell, Orion? Also, Orion's in the corner on her phone silently scrolling. I'm going to take a picture of where Orion is. You should just get in the cubby hole. That's where you should hang out. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Orion has the opposite of a cook chair. She's like hiding.

Hello, L. Ron Hubbard. Shout out Scientology. I'm a big advocate for Scientology. No, no, no, no, no. What? You're an advocate? I don't think they need advocates. All right, is that a cult? That's a cult, right? No, it's my religion. And for you to call my religion a cult, I'm actually offended as fuck. You're my religion? Bad religion. Like the... Daniel, you kicking your feet right in front of me like...

Bad religion. Okay, whoa. Back up. Back up. Oh my God. And you and I defeated the nuclear family. Oh yeah. We are in the process of defeating the nuclear family. Yeah, we're rewriting the script, guys. We're gonna get married and abuse the tax system like other people do. Fraud. We're gonna commit fraud. Tax fraud. Would that be

Like who the fuck says my marriage has to be romantic? - It does. People try to fake gay straight vibes for the tax purposes or they used to and now they can like legally get married. But I think if we claimed Kai and Josiah as our dependents. - Then it'd be fine. - Then it would be really good for us. - 'Cause then it's like we'd have kids.

Wait, I'm still stuck on that. I can't believe that's actually illegal. Yeah, it's like, I think it's tax fraud. Like if we're not actually in love, or at least I'm getting my information. Because half those married motherfuckers are not in love. I'm getting my information from...

That one movie with the kings of Queens guy. What's his name? So none of the information you're telling me. Start your engine. As viable. What's his name? Because you're literally talking about a fucking movie. Yeah, no, that's what I'm saying. Like it's, it's probably like not real, like a gay or straight people getting in love and getting married. It's not straight people getting in love.

like you can't get in love together but yeah me and true are gonna get married and defeat nuclear families you're welcome honestly and like we're buying a house together low-key take a screenshot right now because this is the moment everything changes like take a picture of this moment for the fucking history books can you believe there are going to be things in textbooks that are literally just screenshots of videos like i guess that's actually what all all text like images are but i was thinking more so like at one point i'm sure they have to like

Are we going to take down in history and like write it down and teach it to people how we've

evolutionized technologically and how it's been a part of our society the way we saw shit about like movies like in 19 ball i'm still not over the fact that when the very first movie had a train in it and everybody ran and jumped out of the way and now i see like gooch sweat dripping in back shots on my iphone and i love it oh

I love it. Gooch grease. Stop. Isn't that Azalea Banks thing? Oh, is that actually her brand? Or is it like? It's like Boise. Thank you, Orion. Thank you, Orion. Oh, you mentioned that reminded me the other day when I was in the bathroom. I went to go brush my teeth to get ready for bed. I was watching TikToks and we have those like old. He's yawning. Yeah, he doesn't want to be here. I didn't get much sleep last night.

I'm not asking you what you did. Yeah, because it's like, oh, I was watching porn. Dude, okay. I love watching you guys. You know this. I fucking love watching you guys do your art. The yawn had nothing to do with this. All right? It had to do with my crazy night that I had. So...

My god, you're scaring me. Yeah, I'm having fun. Is you in the corner also You've been wearing shorts recently which like something about it I just have never seen you in shorts and every time I do I'm like oh I love Kai's thighs. You have good legs, but it's just like oh you're really oh you're wearing that outside. You're a whore

Three amazing attributes. Okay, I'm listening. He has great legs. Thank you. He has a great nose and he has really good eyebrows. And washboard abs. Drew came in and complimented me so much. He buttered me up before the episode. Because I have bad news. And I'm going to get to it later. Oh. It has nothing to do with... I just wanted to raise you up so I can tear you down further. It has nothing to do with me getting fired, right? Or like...

No. As of right now, no. Okay. But like potentially in the next like 24 hours, like you could be good. Or maybe in like how long have we been going? Probably in the next like 55 minutes. Okay, but that could change. I could win you guys back in this episode probably. You're not winning now. I could say something really funny. Yeah, try to say something funny. Okay, but before. I didn't mean that for that to be mean. That game.

I did not mean that like that. Okay, yeah, yeah. Try that. Anyway, so. Oh, you're going to try to be funny? You go ahead and you do that. That was so real, but I did not mean it for like that. For like that. Okay, so this whole galaxy gas craze, guys, let's talk about it.

Like, what is your issue? Bitch, y'all literally, like, don't know shit about shit. Because I was in hotel rooms when I was 16 years old doing so much NO2 laughing gas. Not the rags, the mouth, the nose. Melting my fucking brain. And now y'all have flavored NO2 laughing gas. Like, come on now. Y'all are a bunch of vagas. Y'all are a bunch of, dare I say, pussies. Ew, a bitch.

- Ew. - Bragging about doing whippets before everybody else is actually crazy. - No, it's cooked for me. - I remember like, I didn't know what whippets were because in my neighborhood that was not a thing and I've never seen anybody do it. - It's a very white thing. - Yeah, it's a super white people thing which is the galaxy gas craze freaks me out, but whatever.

I did not know what the fuck a whip it was. And we were in a hotel room with all our friends, all of our like white ass friends. And they were like, yes, yes, yes. Like you just like suck up this air and like your voice will get all deep and it'll feel like you're high. And I still... But mind you, at this point, I hadn't smoked weed. I barely had alcohol like that. So I was like, oh...

innocent enough it's a whipped cream canister like it can't be anything bitch I was obsessed with that shit and I was at the table like you would have thought it was an open bar at like an event because I was like another one another one thank you another one thank you another one thank you no it was like the most like nasty night of our life like

I need to make that very clear. Like, this was dark-sided. Like, this was not fun. It was not cute. Okay, I was going to bring it back to that because basically I didn't know what it was, but you pulled me aside into the other room and you were like, you need to stop. Like, stop doing that. And I was like, what? Yeah, I was like, you're melting holes in your brain. I was like, what?

And then he was like, no, it's literally that is like proven to kill your brain cells like rapidly. Like imagine your brain in your head right now, all those whippets you just did. It's like, like of all your brain cells exploding. And I was like, oh my

Oh my God. And I just went back in the room and I remember they were like, do you want another one? I was like, I'm full. I swear that shit has to be one of the most addictive drugs because it lasts only five minutes. So it's like, it lasts like 30 seconds. Like that's the craziest part is like, it like,

it is only like a 30 second to a minute long like zooted to the max like it is literally the highest all it feels like it's like sucking the oxygen out of your that's all it really like just like if there was a balloon with air in it and you just went like this to it and then it

If I catch any of y'all doing galaxy, I will be very fucking you're getting blocked and banned and I do not promote that shit. It's no, it is so disgusting. Also, what's crazy is the second drew was like, this is the worst thing you could do for yourself. And mind you, I do plenty of things. I'm like this bitch. I have a puff bar on my leg right now, but that, that was the one line. I was like, I am not crossing this fucking line. Y'all are crazy. Um,

And yeah, also the train thing that I was going to don't fucking touch me. And that literally didn't hurt. So that doesn't even hurt me at all. I know that shit hurts. It doesn't hurt at all.

Wait, why is my skin so stretchy actually? Wait, surprisingly, it did not hurt that bad because I'm like a strong man or something. Oh, girl. I'm a big strong man. When I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth, I had my phone propped up on the toothbrush holder thing in our bathroom. It was a TikTok of a picture of Tokyo Tony with half her makeup done and half her makeup not done. And Drew came in and was looking down and looked up and literally goes, oh, okay.

And then he was actually like bewildered. Like it looked like I flash banged him because he was just like, oh, okay. And like turned around. I was like, what? He was like, I don't know. I just thought that was real. I thought that person was here. I was like, wait, what? And he thought he was

like his first instinct is he thought I was on FaceTime with Tokyo Tony. Like I thought she was on FaceTime with Tokyo Tony one and two, like I physically thought she was in the room with us like that size. Like I don't know what connections my brain made, but that bathroom has been like haunted, dark sided, sinister energy recently because- That whole fucking-

an apartment there's demons i feel like one of you one of our friends if you see this i one of y'all brought a demon into my house i need you to come by i know exactly which one it was i'm not naming names but it wasn't you kai it wasn't you okay and it wasn't you or ryan but there is someone who i know for a fact oh i know who you know you know who i'm talking about i know who left the game and like it's also crazy like we saw um like videos of our house when we like first moved in

We looked around and it is scary how yellow the walls have gotten like how many crack? Like yeah, because all y'all became addicted to puff bar at the same time so it started like caking on the walls like cigarettes cigarettes, bro Deanna you're by your by your gay

I'm just like... You're bi. That is literally... I thought about going for her as Halloween, but that's too esoteric. Like, you're bi. Wait, you should be her and I'll be the guy at the table. That would be so fire. That would be a really good, like, duo costume. We'd have to find, like, a restaurant with a similar table. Yeah, and film that. Yeah, that would be iconic. You are like this. Cut it. The gay monkey. Sorry, like... Cut it. Oh, yeah. You see that? The orangutan. Kai. Kai, can you get that? Okay.

Did you see that TikTok that I was like, maybe bouncers are just like the orangutans in disguise.

I love that. Have you seen the original video? Yeah, of him at the window and the girls are going there. Literally me watching when I was like 14 watching Christmas haul videos. Like, come on. We've seen enough of the Beats by Dre. When I watch a Vogue What's in My Bag. Like, come on. I've seen enough of that product.

Dude, the Christmas hauls. We can't do Christmas hauls anymore because a lot of y'all just live on a fucking different kooky planet because it used to be even the rich girls you would watch are like, I

Maybelline baby lip gloss. Now y'all are like, I got the Hermes bag. Yeah, the BB cream, the Maybelline BB cream. The BB Rexar cream. But like that's what it used to give. And even as like a broke kid, I would watch that and be like, honestly, that's a good gift. But like I could have gotten that if I asked for that. So I was like, this is fun. I actually feel like I'm sharing with a friend and a peer. Yeah, no, the...

New age haul videos are like boring. Like I don't want to see how much money your parents have. I want to see how many drugs you're doing. Like I want to see what your nightlife looks like. I'm bored. I can't believe I didn't sneak out as a kid, but also where the fuck was I going to go? Like,

literally to the bodega up the street hello no because that's like the bodega i got asked if i was a virgin at 14 by like a 40 year old man and then the cashier laughed at me randomly he was right like i don't know how he guessed that have i told that story like on the podcast i think i have like in like the first episode well i'll tell it again because this is y'all are like oh why don't you like men bitch

Any woman has 18 stories like this, which is crazy. But I went to, my dad used to send us to this corner store to go and get. Get off your phone. You're at work. I'm writing notes about what Anya's saying. I'm so present right now. You have no idea. You proved a point.

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- Anyway, my dad used to be obsessed with drinking fucking Coca-Cola and he would send us to the corner store, me and my older sibling on our bikes and we would go and my older sibling would stay outside with our two bikes watching them to make sure they didn't get stolen. - I want to be real, no, I want to be Coca-Cola. - I want to be a two liter bottle.

We have to get a two liter in the house. We haven't had like, because we never order pizza. And I feel like you only get two liters when you order pizza or you're having a party. Or actually, no one talks about how like the Coke, like your family buys is a very tall tale sign of where you stand on the economic space. Did you ever have Shasta?

Do you know what Shasta is? Have you ever had Shasta? Oh, the bootleg one that you told me about? They didn't have that in Miami. Yeah, I figured it wasn't like... Y'all weren't cool enough for that. Oh, yeah, we're not from Granbury, Texas. We're really missing out. Shasta was my shit. Oh, Ryan, did you have Shasta? Like, anywhere. Yeah.

Yeah, we had a brand like that and I remember like it wasn't crushed but there was like oh no Publix brand soda was a big thing and then but then there was another brand maybe it is Shasta that I'm thinking about because is it like the logo Ribbons across the bottle like the can like that. Sorry. I was looking at banana spiders. I love them Look at that Yes, big red Big red is yummy

And it would like stain your lips. Oh, we did have Shasta. This was like my shit. Someone's selling a vintage Shasta orange fucking can for $1,000. Girls like my balls.

Anyway, basically, I went to the fucking corner store and when I went in to buy the Coke, I was standing in line with the cash in my hand and the man behind me right before I'm about to put my thing down leans over into my ear and was like, are you a virgin? And then I replied and I said, yes. And then he said, I can change that. Mind you, he was like 40 something. He was a grown ass scary man. And what did the cashier do? He fucking laughed at me. And what do I think? I think they should both be dead.

dead well they're both dead mad if they got hit by a car actually i don't want you to die i want you to get hit by a fucking car like 18 times i want you to get hit by a car often enough that every time you leave the crib you're like fuck you know how i know that you didn't tell that story yet is because that guy's still alive i haven't killed him yet every man that you've mentioned that has wronged you me and drew have murdered him you know what's crazy like dexter but of all the men that men saying that stuff to me is actually such a big pet peeve like obviously i know you're joking but i'm thinking about like i have this

friend who literally said something like that to me but being dead fucking serious being like whose ass do i have to be and i'm like like first of all take a good look at yourself you're not winning that you're not competing don't compete where you don't compare because one thing you're not going to do is go and fight in my honor and get your fucking ass whooped and now i'm standing there like you know what

what we're referencing, Kai? I have no idea. From RuPaul's Drag Race. There's this thing called Snatch Games, so all the drag queens dress up like a celebrity that they look like or do a good impression of, and one of them did Miley Cyrus during Banger's era and had a hammer and was like, literally like, Adore, adore. And it's silent. It was like the most silent I've ever heard that show. What was the top hat one? Oh, that's Kokomon Trees. That was her talent show, though. Yeah. Hector.

Ladies. That's literally what Orion went to for her fucking birthday celebration the other night that she posted on IG. Oh, and yeah. A Halloween costume, Coco Montrese, la-da-da-da-da-da-da.

That would go crazy. That would be good. The dress she's wearing in that clip, also, last thing I'll say, it looks like if I poured water on it, it would, like, melt away. It's made of, like, cotton. Like, I wonder if that was, like, her. Like, everything isn't made of cotton. I know. I meant cotton balls. Like, synthetic cotton balls. Don't those melt in water? Yeah.

Yeah, but no, it's like rice paper. Like when you put it on, it slowly absorbs it, like disperses. Did you ever put styrofoam? Oh, this is something fun I used to do. I used to put styrofoam inside of, so I would get a big bowl of my mom's nail polish remover and she would always get so fucking pissed at me because I would leave the cap off and it would evaporate. And I would take styrofoam and I would put it in there and it would melt.

And then I would take the goo that the styrofoam and acetone made and I'd mix it with wood shavings from my dad's like planer machine. And, and,

Then I would put a little bit of gasoline in it and I would make napalm. Well, I didn't do shit like that, but I did get in trouble all the time when I was younger because we had a lot of wood surfaces in our house and I would always use acetone to take off my nail polish and put a fucking cotton ball down on the varnished wood and it would get stuck and I would freak out. Bitch, a lot of aces were moved. A lot of aces were moved. A lot of cover-ups happened. Yeah.

A lot of placemats got placed. A lot of placemats. I'm noticing that the light on Kai Cam is a little harsh, and I'm wondering, oh, could we get a softbox or something? Just to even it out. Here, I'll show you my softbox, my butthole, and I'll fart.

air into your direction and make your hair blow back. I would enjoy that probably. I'm going to find a soft box, put you in it, and ship you to somebody who could maybe give a fuck about you. But the problem is, oh, there is nobody to receive the package. It's going into the garbage. It's going into the landfill. So it's going to be in transit for eternity. Yes.

guys guys guys for eternity but i will never get over rain randomly in my backseat one day being like y'all i seriously i don't know if hell is real or not but like the idea of being there for a fucking eternity is freaking me the fuck out and she was just in the backseat thinking about if she got sent to hell she'd be there because she was like we have no concept we have no grasp of what the fuck eternity is also what the fuck is buffalo sauce

What I like that's something I don't need to know it's probably like buffalo bones or something No, I was looking at it today and I was like this might as well be fucking like oil spill It's like what made the tumbler like oils like on the ground and make it a rainbow That's what I feel like is in Buffalo guys. I'm changing my name to Mike hunt No, I killed like that I don't leave

Okay, good. My pants are doing the thing where because they're so baggy when I sit up, it looks like I'm wearing like a cosplay costume with like... It's two inches. Yeah. It's like raising up literally to my ribs right now. It looks like you have a boner. I do. I always do. Guys, so we all know I've been taking an iPhone. I've been hitting... Oh, wow. I've been hitting myself. Oh, wow.

No, I've been taking a break from my iPhone. Like, this is known. I've talked about it for the last, like, three episodes. Well...

Yesterday, the app that I used, what's fucking crazy is it's a free app, but I love it so much and I use it and it changed my life in such a drastic way that I donated to this app. I gave them $5. It's a free app. And I was like, no, like I want you to keep it free so as many people as possible can use this app. Like, thank you. Donated to it. Drew. The app fucking glitched.

The app glitched. I lost my 30 day streak on all my apps. And then also none of my apps locked. None of them locked. So I was just like, fuck it. This is a sign from God to relapse. And I'm not kidding. I use my phone all day fucking long yesterday. And I was sitting in bed, like actually crying real tears about how inspired I felt and how good it felt to use my iPhone. I was literally like looking at, I was looking at your face. You literally felt like you were traveling the world.

I know literally I was looking at Orion's page I was looking at Inya's page I was looking at all my friends pages I was looking at like other creative people's pages and I was like damn I am so fucking inspired right now like this is what it's all about like this is what the iPhone is all about and I proceeded to use it I'm not kidding for like six hours straight and

- It was like a tolerance break. Like it was literally like a weed tolerance break. Like I took a break and then I-- - And now the high is better than you could have ever imagined. - Exactly. I'm not, I don't have to chase a magic dragon anymore. Like it's there. So I decided that I'm gonna do that like once every two weeks, like have a day where I'm just like, let's go fucking crazy. But I really-- - Let's go fucking crazy. - I really was at rock bottom and I didn't realize it. Like my phone made, not having my phone made my life like a living hell. 'Cause like, what did I do?

Like actually, because I wasn't watching YouTube on my computer. I was like painting some days. I was reading some days. Well, you were in the living room with us more. You spent more time with us. Oh, that's why it was hell. That's why it was hell. That's why it felt so poor and bad. Right, right. What the fuck was I going to say? Oh, last night I was...

in bed and because I'm at a hotel, I was like, I need to watch a crime series on the TV. If y'all know, y'all know that I used to be obsessed with watching like murder mysteries before going to bed. And then I stopped because I felt like it was the worst thing. I was obsessed with watching all that stuff. And I was like, I need to stop. This can't be good for my mental health. Did I see any benefits from not watching it? Not really. If anything, actually, I

have a lot of anxiety. - A lot of the things that are bad for you, like are ultimately good for you. - They keep you on your toes. - Yeah, exactly. Like heroin.

Well, no, I will say now that when I watch something about murder, I'm actually shocked. I'm like, I cannot believe this happens when usually I'd be like, oh, OK, that's like not the craziest story I've ever heard. But now I'm like, like, so shell shocked, bitch. Last night, couldn't find a fucking crime channel. There was no crime channels on there. But what I did find was one. There is a DraftKings podcast.

where all they do, I passed this channel like four times and I was like, this is the longest commercial ever. Every time I pass this channel, it's still talk about fuck ass DraftKings. And I'm not saying this in a positive way. I think that shit's fucked up and it's literally just like incentivizing average people to gamble when they definitely shouldn't be gambling because gambling is a drug, IMO, whatever.

There goes our ability to ever work with them ever. But I actually don't think I would want to do that. Yeah. But I get past again. I was like, damn, this is the longest commercial I've ever seen in my goddamn fucking life.

I finally decided to stay on the channel and I'm recording because I'm like, I need to catch when this ends. And also because it was the weirdest layout of a commercial I had ever seen. No, it's the whole channel. All they do is talk about like, it's so good. It's so good. It's so good. Let's hear from somebody who uses it. And then it's somebody who's like, it's awesome. It like automatically actually takes money out of my account. And I'm like, what are we about? Like you could put on automatic bets. I'm like, that's crazy. You're not even getting the satisfaction of like,

using your finger to make a risk. It's literally just automatic risk taking. Thank God gambling is not legal in California because I would be so addicted to it. Like gambling gives me

like the same high that like opiates gave me when i was younger like that shit yeah like it could become a problem thankfully like i don't like casino gambling like that shit's like boring like old as fuck like it smells like cigarettes just sounds like a fun thing to do for maybe 10 minutes exactly like maybe 10 minutes you go you bring a hundred dollars with you in cash you leave your cards in the car and you just like lose it in five minutes and then you leave

Oh, but even that, I'd be like, bruh, I could have gotten three meals off Wingstop. I could have gotten one thirteenth of the new leather Miu Miu New Balance shoes with that. Yeah, you could have gotten the toe, like the toe section, like a little corner. Yeah, I love toes, babe. I love eating feet.

anyway the other thing i saw on tv that really fucking freaked me out because i'm taking so long to tell this stupid fucking story is they still do like call to book flights which my fucked up head was like damn they still do that i need to start that business and scam the fuck out of old people because in my head i was like i bet they're scamming old people but i do want to call it tonight and like be like oh we want a flight from like

LA to New York round trip for these days. What's the price? And at the same time, be on Google Flights and see if the flight, if they're like overcharging you for fees for that. Is it through the airline or is it through a different company? No, it wasn't an airline thing. I'll literally tell you what it was. It felt like I was fucking stuck in 1982 watching that shit. Bro, that's crazy. Low cost airlines. It should be that you get to smoke cigarettes on those flights. I know. If I'm calling to book my flight, bitch, let me...

Yeah. Let me like light up a cigarette. There should be no TSA pre 9-11 TSA and cigarettes on board. Um, and yeah,

Yeah, never mind. I'm not going to say that joke. I'm crazy. I'm so fucking crazy. Everything I do is so fucking lazy. Hey, hold up. Hold up. Hold up. Wait, what was the verse? I'm E.T. I'm an alien. I'm extra. Read all about it. Read all about it. I'm E.T. I'm an alien. I'm extra. Read all about it. You know, like extra, extra.

extra extra read all about it read all about it like the newspaper boys extra extra I think that was like a late night old news channel that would talk about like Mario Lopez like hosted it

extra extra lopez bro he is alive right now god bless he's like alive and well and breathing as a person who did it fucking right grinded through his 30s grinder through his 30s period through his 40s and then dropped off the face of the fucking earth i don't know if it was willing i think he's still like doing that kind of stuff honestly chase the bag chase the bag

Whoa. Well, I never ended up finding something that was a crime thing to watch on the TV and I started this YouTube video. Bitch, it scared the fuck out of me. I've never been watching a YouTube video and started it being like falling asleep and then just waking up and opening my eyes and being like,

actually was scaring the fuck out of me and yeah stop i was gonna bring this fucking up this is what i was talking about on the phone with you and our manager when i was back in texas when i was like i have a crazy story that like if i broke it would solidify me in the internet zeitgeist forever and everybody was like nah don't do it don't do it and i was like yeah you're right i don't want to get involved in this shit look how many fucking views that shit has

- Yeah, but then you would have the killer on my back too. I don't want the killer knowing who I am. - Y'all the schoolboy09 shit literally, I'm not gonna like spoil anything, but literally like two months ago, I actually-- - Yeah, I remember when you mentioned this, I was like, girl, you sound fucking crazy. You need to get off that damn phone. I actually think that's what I said too. - Okay, literally you did. I found his accounts with like 12 likes and like no one had ever, I was even sending them to you, Kai.

like oh yeah yeah that like creepy guy and you were like can you please stop like this is really scary and so i stopped but literally i found him like so long ago and i was like this is crazy like no one is talking about this shit and then it's all that my tiktok feed has been the last week it's really spooky ooky but this video like this was giving me fucking spooky vibes like this like creepy accounts pretending to be

Creepy accounts pretending Burger King foot lettuce. And I was like, oh, I'll just watch it. And then when they started showing me what he was posting, I got... I'm not kidding. This room was so pitch dark. Orion was dead asleep. And I kept looking at the door because I was like... No, and yet that's what I was saying. Like, that gives me like... Like...

- It gives me the same feeling that I get when I see demonic presences in a movie. I never watched Long Boy because I didn't wanna see that movie. - Long Legs? - Yeah, I didn't wanna see that movie because people were like, "It's really demonic." - Doctor Hand in Long Boy. - Because I can't handle demonic shit. I really don't even believe in that shit fully. It just freaks me the fuck out for some reason. It gives me dark sinister energy.

That shit gave me the same icky vibes as that. No, it's so gross. It's like disgusting. I thought halfway in the video like that. I know. It's like very fucking terrifying. And it feels like there's no winning too. We find out it's Kai. Dude, it's not me. Let me see it again. No, you should. It kind of looks like him actually. To see yourself. No, it doesn't. Let me see it one more time and then I'll tell you. Wait, you want to show him?

It has like really high cheekbones and like very sucked in cheeks. It's PSL 7, so it's Chad Light. Okay. PSL 6 is above average PSL 7.

that is so kai that is kai i never even thought about it that is actually so kai vibes okay we are so back and better so many cuts this episode oh wow um okay so speed run the animation that someone made of the podcast was literally like one of my favorite things ever oh yeah it was like it was so cute and it like literally made me feel like oh my god like

We could do like the Duncan Trussell thing with our podcast where we just like take certain clips and like animate it and make like a freaking mini short of like our interactions. Like that would be really cool to do. But shout out that we'll insert it. Let's talk about Finsta. Have we ever talked about Finsta? Oh my God. It was super cool. More, more animation, please.

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Oh, it's such a clutch off-season pickup, Dave. I was worried we'd bring back the same team. I meant those blackout motorized shades. Blinds.com made it crazy affordable to replace our old blinds. Hard to install? No, it's easy. I installed these and then got some from my mom. She talked to a design consultant for free and scheduled a professional measure and install. Hall of Fame's son? They're the number one online retailer of

custom window coverings in the world blinds.com is the goat shop blinds.com right now and get up to 45 off select styles rules and restrictions may apply more animation dude i have the gnarliest migraine right now and it's like it kind of started when kai like first got here and started like talking and then i like this might have been like the more he talked the smell started filling the room and i think it's just like yeah you just winked at me and licked his lips

What the fuck are you talking about? It did turn me on a little bit. Ew, like you whispered that. I got rizzed up by Kai. I got rizzed up by Livvy Dunn. It might have been a coincidence. I feel like there's no reason why me talking would...

make you have a headache like that's sure well it's because the stench that followed it followed okay we established that that's the buffalo sauce in the bathroom no that's no that's you that's your that's just what you smell like bottom dude if y'all ever wanted to know what kai smells like smells like asap you just have to um like get buffalo wings and then put them in like a frid

A lot of people like the smell of buffalo. Okay, what's it called? What's it called? What was it? Oh, yeah. If you want to know what Kai smells like, get buffalo wings, put them in like a fridge and then just open the fridge really fast. So all of that like stench wafts out at you. And that is I'm not kidding. That is exactly what Kai smells like. Oh, but here's the thing. People with a little bit of mildew.

People actually will get wings. They'll get buffalo wings and their mouth will water because it smells so fucking good and delicious. So think about that. You're saying people's mouths water when they smell me? No, I think when it comes from a human, it's like your heart. My fucking pussy is wet when I see Kai.

Did you mean that, that I had nice legs? Yes, of course. Thank you, guys. Body is tea lately. Stop. Okay. So keep it up because it can fade quick. Y'all, you guys gotta fucking chill. Like, y'all really actually, like... Okay, so y'all... No, literally, they gotta chill because they are in my fucking business email that

Messaging me, diagnosing me with autism.

- And with a hernia. - A hernia? - I don't know what I did, literally, I don't know what I did in the last episode, but I got like three emails saying I had autism and one that said I had a hernia. But the hernia one was a mis, like they didn't understand what I was saying. Like I know what a hernia is, I had a hernia when I was like nine. This is just when my colon gets full of poop and constipation, it bulges out a little bit. But it's not like the bubble that you think of when you see like a hernia in the abdomen.

That is so disgusting. But I did book a ZocDoc appointment because I was like, what if I've just had a hernia this whole time? Haven't been yet, but we will update. Wait,

Wait, wait, wait. Stop. No, please. The picture, the fucking picture of Drew. Okay, it's actually perfect that Orion is here because, Orion, come here. Okay, so, Anya and I were sitting on the couch and we were trying to find your John Lennon photo. She found it. She has it. Oh, okay. So, oh, all my shit got deleted. Well, actually, I don't know which one's the original because I have like eight friends. Yeah. So, I was trying, when I was like,

I didn't know which one was the best. Dude, it's like literally the greatest photo of all time. We'll spare you, Orion. We won't post it unless you want us to. You already have. Oh, really? Like you respect, like I would never post that on YouTube. I probably did. You probably have posted it on your story. Yeah, on my story. But no, I don't know if I've ever seen it online. Well, I got all of the karma just like thrusted right back at me, Orion. Because I had my John Lennon moment in a Marc Jacobs shoot. Oh, wait. I need to see.

That's not you. Bro, it's like, it doesn't, it's straight up like a... Wait, is that actually a photo of Drew? It is not edited. And you know what's worse? It's a live photo. So like, you can really see that it's him. Fuck. Hello? Oh, it's a screenshot of a fucking live photo on my phone. That version of you looks like your brothers with that picture of you in the back of the car.

Stop, that's what we were referencing. You're like this. Y'all look like siblings, like that version of y'all. It's so gross. I hate it. This shit, I just need to show you this. It's also because of the red lighting. Like, me and Drew just need to avoid fucking red lighting because we start looking fucked up. I thought red lighting, like, objectively makes somebody look hotter.

I am proving points I'm proving points Bruh it looks What day was that? It was in February? Yeah it was when we did the Mark shoot But that Literally that photo Changed the trajectory of my life And I'm not kidding I started like

It sent me into an episode. Literally, I was like, is this actually what my profile looks like? And it was just very bad timing, obviously, because I don't look like that. No, you are perfect.

No, sometimes when I look at you, that's kind of just... You are perfect. No, sometimes when I see Drew, that is what he looks like, though. I'm going to be honest. Okay, Ms. Backseat Photo. You never look like that. Ms. Backseat Photo. You don't. You always look good. I feel like your jaw is very defined normally. Thank you. Okay, Orion, I just wanted to show you that iconic moment. Yeah, Orion literally has been inside the cupboard the whole time. Sorry, what did you say again, Kai? Your jaw looks super good normally. Thank you. Thank you.

Wait, actually, could you say it one more time? Your jaw looks good. And it looks very handsome. It's actually so random that I cannot hear you. Oh, your jaw looks very... He's just getting you to repeat yourself. Oh, he's manipulating me? Yes. Once again? He's manipulating you. I'm a manipulator. Wait, in these pictures, you just look, like, scary. Oh, wow. Like, that's just not you. Yeah, I really don't know who that person is. Like, it's really jarring. It's really jarring. And what's crazier is that, like...

They thought I looked good. No, you did look good in the pictures that we got taken of us. You looked good. Or no, no, no. The person, our manager thought I looked good. My bangs look fucked up. It looks like I have like a huge like mullet. The bangs were banging. OK, wow. Well, OK, well, also, I know this has been talked about.

one bajillion times online, but I figured we would need to talk about it as well because it is a very crazy thing that exists that I don't think enough people are talking about. There is literally a tick

out right now that when it bites you literally when it bites you it makes you allergic to meat i don't know if that's real i don't know if i believe it it's real it's it is literally real you're supposed to say oh you need to get bit by that my good sis wait why because you are gay oh because i like me wow because you're obsessed with

I told Anya yesterday I was like when I bring this up you're supposed to say oh you need that tick like I set her up for a slam dunk like gay joke and she fumbled like crazy well cause I was just actually intrigued in the conversation like when you speak to me I'm just like yes yes yes I'm like I'm here wait that was weird we're like dapping up right now we need to like hold each other yeah that's more like it this feels a bit unnatural like this just seems unnatural right now oh Drew is Elijah

You're Elijah from Girls. I just connected seeing you guys do that and how like clearly uncomfortable you are touching a woman's hand.

You know that we could fire you for being homophobic, right? Yeah. No, it's an observation. I'm reporting you to HR, which is me, and you're done. And I hate to say it, but our HR rep has a huge bias against you. So you're kind of fucking good. Okay. Well, all right. I was just kind of observing something. It wasn't homophobic at all. I actually love gay people. You fucking know that. Everyone knows that. That's a well-known thing. Why would you know that? Because.

Because you love me. We're friends. We're good friends. Who said that? Did you ever say that, Dan? Who said that? Okay, well, that was like a sneak disc, Kai, so. Oh. Kai's so shady. Kai's a shade. Saturday is Saturday. Saturday is Sunday. What's Saturday past Saturday? What the fuck did people with eye issues do before glasses were invented?

Get a headache? Like, oh, that's why I have a fucking headache right now is because I haven't been wearing my glasses all fucking day. No, but actually, like, did they, like, just, were they blind or did they not exist until, like, there were holes in the ozone layer or some shit? Nobody needed glasses before we had phones. It's that damn phone. Yeah.

It's always that damn phone, bro. Okay, I need to clarify. I obviously don't think that's true because sometimes I really do sound like the dumbest person on this podcast. And recently it's been getting to my head. There's only two of us. So if you're not the dumbest, that makes me the dumbest.

There's Kai. There's a third. There is a third. Thank you. Wow. You know what? You're fucking stupid. To which in your favor of that statement of like, oh, well, maybe people's eyes were better in the past. There's I think a lot of evidence that people's teeth were better. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So maybe that I don't know. Maybe there's something to that.

Like we're unnaturally looking at stuff. I could see like there being a connection between how much fucking LED we stare at and our... I mean, look at fucking the blu-ray lights. It's the blu-ray lens. Okay, well, when in ya, like there's like always... Like when we're going out, there's like an hour long period. Bro, it's like really haunted. Like...

- Bruh, like it's haunted. - You got bodied, it also looks like you have no hair like in the middle of the top of your head. - I know, it's like balding, like weird as fuck.

No, it's like literally it's my backseat. Also the way I'm staring, I have like beady little eyes. Like I look like scary. I look like I have like a big like nose. Like my jaw is recessed. Like it's really like everything that I hate about myself and what I see in the mirror. You never ever look like this. Yeah, I know. Ever. Ever.

- Thank you. - Maybe only once or twice. - But Enya does look like the backseat photo, like 95% of the time. - That is what I look like in person. Yeah, most of the time people turn to me and that's what I look like. - Even thinking about that fucking photo makes me cry laughing. - You're so stupid. - It's so bad. Okay, but there comes a point in every night when we go out where Enya asks me,

what does she want or which outfit should she wear and like i don't think you realize how seriously i take that like i that has become like anna wintour like i'm literally like yeah that's the girl yeah i take that shit very seriously and i don't think i've made a wrong choice yet yeah i don't think so i feel like you give really good advice like you give practical you take into like

account the practicality, the vibe of it, the look of it, how it will hold through the night. Like you're like, well, are you just going to be doing this? Are you going to do something after? Like, what's your vibe? I'm always thinking about if cigarettes are involved, like getting a dry clean. Oh, it's going to like get all over my clothing. Yeah. But I don't smoke cigarettes anymore. So that's not a problem. And now at this point, when somebody smokes near me, I'm like, girl, like you're going to make me fucking stink, which is crazy because I used to stink. Yeah. Now I just smell like a...

Digital. Yeah. Okay, the last thing I want to bring up is... Finally, I did. Me and Inya, I downloaded this app that scans your face and then gives you like a rating out of 10. Guys...

I did so good on it. He did so many. Like, he has so many. Oh, wait, Kai, this is what I was going to show you. Come here. I just saw a picture of, like, you shirtless, and that was, like, the craziest thing I've ever seen. Oh, that's just me body checking. Oh, shit. Yeah, this is what I was going to... Yeah, this is what I was going to...

Yeah, it's definitely because it was blurry and the lighting was crazy. But no, I was going to send that to you. But I was like, I want to show him in person. You should start uploading like a Facetune pictures of you shirtless and like huge. Well, no, I'm going to go on a testosterone like tremble on like TRT protocol. Yeah. Or like do some just some general anabolic steroids for six months. I'm going to blast it like I'm going to go hard as fuck.

Love yourself. That's exactly what I'm doing now I'm gonna get big as fuck and then y'all gonna be like whoa Drew's like really angry and mean No, it just makes you your real self it was that the thing you're gonna tell me earlier you said there's horrible news I

No, I'm not saying that. You said my body is horrible. No, I did not mean it like that. I genuinely did. No, we're going to tell you you're fired at like 8.15. But I still have my job right now. For the next 13 minutes, yes. Okay, so the first one I did... I could still get it back. The first one I did, I got a 7.6. And I was like, okay, that seems really high. That doesn't make sense. So then I...

edited a picture of myself with facetune and i submitted it it got a 9.6 and i was like oh wait it's kind of accurate um so then josh did it and got a 7.6 and then inya did it and got like a seven point something and i was like damn so then i was like hold on like let me mind you i think it can only really identify you like masculine as a man because every time it'd be like

masculinity your jawline like you're the top 1% of men I'm not a man I'm a girl you're not a girl bitch and then I did it and I got an 8.4 and I was like oh whoa like that's crazy and then y'all

i ended it off with a 9.3 on a real photo of my yeah that he took i don't have it i took it real time in app but like i'm kind of giving though okay i think i need to take an advil because or i need to put my glasses on because i'm not getting my word girl and i'm dancing for fun oh baby

Ooh, that echo was like sharp. It sounded like we hit metal. I shouldn't be doing that because of my fucking head. Drew, Psyop, Corner! If these don't make me laugh, I'm hitting you tonight. Burger King got chicken sandwiches now? What's next? Pee at the poop store? Okay. Folklore, Evermore, canker sore, bitch, I don't give a fuck. Where is the liquor store?

Dude, these ones suck in the best way. I need some coochie quill and hedonol from Inya. Inya. Inya.

oh wait kaya sent this to me imagine and he typed this out this is this is his word i didn't type this out someone emailed this to me imagine hiring a gay dude to cry at your off's funeral oh my god i love that one i saw that today taking notes no demon emoji literally noted as fuck guys can we bring back noted please like please can we do it

I think that's all I have to talk about. Yeah, that's kind of it. The last thing that I was like, I already talked about this though, was how me buying the TikTok shop hot bowl was like really one of the worst points of my life. Like that was really dark-sided. Dude, it definitely has to be illegal to like

ship containers like that out yeah like raw eggs or like eggs across the country and like heat boiled eggs the fucking pepsi like expanding to the point of almost exploding was like crazy that like it was next to an egg so that means it was like so hot that it was like boiling or like the pressure was so high that it was like crushing it crazy um all right well here is my freaking media hmm

My media is that little ginger bitch. In my life, Gabor Sabo. Photographs and memories, Jim Crose. How do you say his name, Orion? Bro, she can't hear us in that fucking cabinet. She's losing oxygen in there. How do you say Jim Crose? Is it Jim Crose?

Croche. Okay. Photographs and memories, Jim Croche and just a New York poem by Nikki Giovanni. That album reminds me of rain. Like this is, feels like her life. Um, and that's it for my fucking media. Honestly, no movies, no nothing. Leave me alone. My media is twisters and 40 X. It's going to be a movie. I'm going to see it tomorrow. Super excited. Um, and then this, uh,

I found this like anime that was like a three part, like short trilogy, but like together it made like one long story. It's kind of like black mirror vibes, like, but it was made in the nineties and it was so fucking good. Oh, I can't open it, but yeah,

i'm just gonna unlock it um but it's like magnetic rose or some like that um let's see if i can find it it's it's magnetic rose toys you put the magnet in your cooch oh so no hands that's actually a really good idea but there's a song from that um how would you say that from that anime

Corral. Corral. C-H-O-R-A-L. Chorale. By Yoko Kanno. But the soundtrack for the thing, the thing is called Memories. So go watch Memories. And the soundtrack is fucking lit. Probably sounds like shit. Exactly what I thought. Sounds like shit. You could listen. You could listen to this kind of shit all you want. I love this type of stuff. God will know you had Grindr.

I love this type of stuff, Drew. You're dead to me. Hey, come here. You're bi. You're bi. All right. Well, I'm going to go take a huge fucking dump. And I'm going to go back home. No, you're going to hang out. And love my life. Please, man, stay the night with me. All right. Well, bye. Bye.