Self diagnosing episode
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Welcome to this episode of Emergency Intercom. Today, we are going to be teaching you the simplest ways to attend simple hacks to make your life smoother, more pleasurable, and exciting.

Because all you need in life is some pleasure and excitement to keep you going. That's why me and Drew are so lucky we have each other. Yeah. Because I'm pleasure, he's excitement. Help me. Were you going to say something before we started? You were like, what was I saying? But you didn't say anything. You were just like whispering to yourself. I just thought about like something I sent my sister this morning and I was like, what the fuck was that video? Why did I send that? But then I looked at the thumbnail and

Saw what it was. Yeah, you saw. You saw. Saw three. See, that's my Texan draw coming out. I draw. I saw. That's all I got. Yeah. My pillow. No, you say pillow, right? Pillow?

I need a new mattress so bad, but what they don't tell you is those things are so expensive. That's what they don't tell you. See how everybody's like, oh, they don't tell you about taxes when you're young. No, they don't tell you that the reason your parents let you sleep on the same dusty ass mattress for 20 years of your life is because they literally cost way too fucking much money. Like, there's no way they need to be costing that much money. Yeah, there's like a 700% markup on all mattresses. And if you go into a mattress store and you're like...

all i have is 400 and it's a 1200 mattress they will probably take that deal like you can talk people down on mattresses like crazy but i understand like the price of a mattress sometimes because i'm like

You literally spend half of your life on that thing. Like, invest in a good fucking mattress. Like, make sure you get good sleep. I literally can't get myself to do it. Like, I would genuinely rather buy a pair of shoes, like expensive shoes, than buy a new mattress. Because you can't take the mattress and show the mattress off outside. Because you're a girl and you like buying clothes and tampons. Yeah, like my girly instinct is just like, ergh, how am I going to get my nails and my hair done if I get a mattress? Shiny. Okay.

Shiny. Squirrel. Squirrel friends. You are my squirrel friend. Like, why? Well, also, last night before I went to bed, I, like, couldn't fall asleep, so I was doing something that I never do, which was looking through my DM replies. And I never do this, but it sent me in a spiral of, like, seeing what people reply to. And there were certain stories that, like, every DM I opened, somebody had replied to that same picture. But...

one dm set i opened wasn't a reply to anything it was just somebody who's been sending me workout videos for the past year like every day for the past year has been sending me like like easy ways to work out at home they bodied you so yeah i was that's fucking crazy okay but then i i thought with my positive thinking i was like maybe this is somebody who just like you know how like

I'll send things to myself to my private account and like back and forth. So maybe that's just somebody doing that. Like they don't have a private account. So they're just like, this bitch is never going to see this shit. I'm just going to send what I want to save. But there is the save feature. So I don't know why she would be sending. Also, maybe they were just saying like she needs to work out. Yeah.

But, like, not in, like, a mean way, but, you know, like, I want you to live forever way. Exactly. And you should work out. Yeah. And, like, keep your body moving. Yeah, we can spend anything to be positive. Why don't more people do that? That's what I'm saying. Just, like, make everything happy. Like, everyone that bullies me in, like, the comments, like, they're probably, like...

30% of those people that are being serious and like actually making fun of me. But I have this like delusional thought pattern where I'm like, oh no, they're like also in on the joke. Like we're joking together, like it's fun. But then for some reason, when people like do that to me in person, where they're like mean to like,

be a friend like me and I don't know how to explain it. It literally freaks me the fuck out and I'm like, whoa, this is crazy. I think it's especially when somebody who's not in our close circle doing that. It's like, why are you attacking me? Why are you literally attacking me and my livelihood? You actually fucking hate me and you have some weird thing about me behind closed doors, but...

Because I'm like the funny girl. Yeah, I know that's what it is. We just have weird funny things of people behind closed doors. Did I tell you the thing that happened to me in New York? No. I think it was like two trips ago. I think it was outside of something that we DJed when we were DJing shit. And this girl came up and she was like, what's up, you stupid, stinky bitch? Oh, I think you did tell us this. And then she was just like, continue. And I was like, what?

And she was like, oh, I'm sorry. I just like, that's what they do to you on the podcast. So I just was, and then we just had like a normal conversation after that. But I was like, so destabilized. Dude, you had to rewire her brain. It's literally, it's because we like wire people's brains incorrectly with this fucking podcast. So people think it's normal to go up to other people and be like, hey, you fucking weird freak bitch. And that's not the way you should be talking to people.

other humans like that's just simply that's how we talk to each other and that's okay actually you know what i've been thinking about is like literally how you are the most lovely like kind person i've ever met you're just so genuine you have not been thinking about that there's no way you've been sitting i just like i was just deep into thought thinking about that like just now are you trying to like tell me that you were sitting on your iphone in your room doing that drew

Drew, the way he uses his phone actually freaks me out. And what he buys on the internet freaks me out. We are living in an age where you could buy anything you could ever wish on your iPhone. And Drew sits on there and buys like fucking weird germs that live in the sea that like turn blue when you shake them. And fucking candy. It's not even going to show because it's daytime. No, but I'm going to show them. Like in daytime, it's literally just a glass of water. Okay, so these are...

Oh, fuck. I literally forgot the name. They're not diatomaceous. They're... Oh, they're tenacious D. Fuck. What are they called? Dinoflagellates. Dinoflagellates.

and of course they're the shit they're basically like they go up onto the shore every once in a while and like it's the blue glow that you see like in the wave break or you see like people wading through the water and they react to water movement so that's why they glow it's like an evolutionary trait like either like I don't know what it's for if it's to like scare predators away or if it's to like

reproduce and find babies or find people to have sex with. But they...

fucking put them in a jar and you can like have them just sitting on your fucking countertop and they just sit in the sun because they're on a day cycle they absorb the sunlight and then after a week of just like chilling in the sun they'll like kind of like glow if you shake the thing and also you can like keep them for as long as possible because you just put the food and the nutrients in there and they just like chill so he has invisible pets that's what he's well no you can kind of see invisible pets

Kind of just looks like backwash. Yeah. Like it looks like your toothbrush cup. Yeah. So these are the loves. Ew. These are the loves of my life. And I replaced my praying mantis, Goji. Rest in peace. I wonder how many people who don't know about your dead bug. There's a lot of people that you killed. I know. I've come to the conclusion that you killed it. She got jealous. You know what? Actually, here's my.

Here's my theory. My hypothesis is Drew accidentally killed that bug because you took it out in the most toxic environment ever. You took it out in a fucking California parking lot and it flew around in the middle of summer. Oh, wait, was that Tavia's? Yeah. Oh, I thought that was yours. No, Tavia's got lost because they were like,

That's not going to fly for another week. Did Tavia's live longer than yours or no? Yeah, a lot longer. Yeah, you're just a bad father. No. And you should take that into account when you think of reproducing with somebody because you definitely should not have kids. Oh, damn.

No, I think genuinely what happened was they sold me like a dying one. Yeah, like an older one. And they just were like trying to get rid of it because I did get it on sale one and it was like the end of the day and two and three. I think it was like way more like developed than they even knew or they let on. Yeah. Let me on to know. Yeah.

Because did it like immediately shed when it got in the house too? Kai is sniffing his armpits like crazy. You know what? Usually I'll make fun of him, but I can condone that. Because I'd rather you know if you fucking stink like doo-doo dog shit. I'm testing on a new deodorant. And fix it. So I'm just kind of like. Well, what's the deodorant? We'll bleep it. Yeah, we'll bleep it. Why? Because. No free promo. Oh, okay. It's. No, fuck that. That's what you use. No, I use. Oh, you use.

But I'm using a different strain. Is it aluminum free? It's aluminum free. We need to put aluminum back in the deodorant. I knew I smelled something when you walked in the room. I didn't know what it was, but now I know. I wasn't going to say that. Did it smell good? No. Why would it like...

It didn't smell good. When people smell good, they get compliments, Kai. When people stink, they get silence. To me, it smelled good. Really? Your pheromones are nice. That's coming from a sexual place. You should write that down. We all know how I can't read. That is a real thing. I don't know how to read. You should see me do the ad reads. You should see me in a crib.

Maybe we'll add like a clip of me like doing an ad read where I like try to get the same thing 36 times in a row but it just like

I freaked the fuck out because I literally... Literally everyone needs to evacuate the room. Yeah. My Andrew has to read something out loud. My eyes, like what happens is my eyes read the words way too quickly and my mouth can't like... Oh, so you're just too smart to be able to read. Exactly, exactly. No, I just can't focus on the one thing at hand. Well, I found this new method of reading called bionic vision.

reading and it highlights the first half of the word. Cause I think that was a thing was a thing that Bella Thorne literally talked about on Disney. And I'm not even kidding. It highlights the first half of the word or bolds the first three letters. And I swear to God, it was like, I put on, um, like those seeing color glasses, like for the first time that Logan Paul had like a meltdown with like people who don't see color. Oh, wait, did he,

pretended like he couldn't see right I don't I think I think he actually might have been colorblind oh what did he get it fixed because he doesn't wear those glasses now he maybe he just exists as a colorblind person um because you can live um when there's like different varying I mean you'll live but

I read this one morning laying in my bed and I read it out loud to myself because I was like, there's no way this works. And it genuinely like made me tear up because I was like, what the fuck? I can like actually read this like all the way through. You're so brave for reading that out loud.

out loud even alone because reading out loud alone is really embarrassing. Well, I just needed to see if it worked because that's my problem. I can read inside my head, but I cannot read or it's hard for me to comprehend. But when I have to speak out loud when I'm reading something, everything goes wrong. Everything goes wrong. But yeah, give us an example. Read it.

what if i fuck up though like that would be so embarrassing really really good and then what if you do so good that somebody hits us up and they're like we need you to be the next host of the grand spelling bee and then you're just like wow in the grammar world okay i'll try the without it and then i'll do it with yeah bionic reading is a new method facilitating the reading process okay i'm doing the one with because i know it already

It's a failed experiment because I already did it. Like, I already know what's coming next. Like, I know how it's going to go. Like, you know the words. Yeah. But sometimes that can mess you up even more because then you think you know the words. Because that fucks me up. When I'm, like, reading something out loud or, like, candid, like, it's like, okay, like, here's a script. And then I say it right the first time or what I think is right. And someone's like, oh, well, you added a word. And it's because I was like, I already know this. And then I always add, like, a filler word. All right. Let's try it. Let's try it. Let's try it. He's scared. He's scared.

Okay, I'm gonna really try hard. Now you literally know how Bella felt on those fucking Disney ads. No, it's real. I hope they paid her for those extra ads because, like, why were they doing that to her? They, like, ruined her. They, like, slandered her. No, they, like, made her the poster child when she was just supposed to be, like, an actress in a show. Like, she was the poster child for dyslexia. She had to have been paid for that, though. I...

I mean, those Disney contracts are fucking horrifying. I know. Like, they're really, really scary. But, okay. Bionic reading is a new method facilitating the reading process by guiding eyes through text with artificial fixation points. As a result, the reader is only focusing on a highlighted initial letter and lets the brain center complete the word. That's pretty good. Is there, like, a generator to create? Yeah, someone made a Google Chrome extension. But, like...

Y'all have seen me read. This is weird, yeah. Bionic reading is a new method facilitating the reading. Well, I can just read, so you know. Yeah. I think like... Drew, that was... It was actually very impressive. We need to get the ad coffees highlighted. I know, so you don't have literally a meltdown and you're like, I'm going to do that. In bionic reading. That was really sexy seeing you finish a sentence. Thank you. In bionic reading. I looked up the Logan Paul thing and it said...

that he did kind of fake it oh really there's a quote it says i wanted to create an amazing story an amazing piece of content that shows what it meant to be colorblind just like any storyteller i exaggerated my reactions i did not lie what i did was embellish

That's basically his entire life. Yeah, that's just me when I lie. He lied. That's literally me anytime I read a joke off of TikTok to somebody, I always add embellishments to it because I'm embarrassed because I'm like, what if they don't think this is funny? And I basically change the joke when I'm reading it out and then the person usually laughs really hard and I'm like, yeah, well, I actually made that joke.

So now what? That's smart. Do you ever do that? I get really embarrassed to read things I find funny on my iPhone. So I just fake it. And I'm like, oh, this wasn't as funny as like I thought it was. So then I like...

I add a little extra kick to it. You embellish. You embellish. No, I just read whatever comes on my iPhone out loud wherever I am at any moment. Like if something funny, like a funny tweet pops up, like Orion's the same way. We'll just like see it and read it out loud and just say it and make everybody laugh and then keep scrolling until the next one comes up. Like...

It's crazy. I re-deleted TikTok. Oh, but also that the dyslexic thing came up because last night I saw a YouTube video that was like a dyslexia test and he was like, obviously this isn't the way to like, no, you should go to a professional, but this is the test that a lot of professionals use. And I think it was like some number like 94% of people who

who like go in to take it usually come out the other end and they're like oh yeah I actually do have like a minor form of dyslexia it's a spectrum because I think it's like way more common than people realize but then as I was watching it I was like man it's crazy how there's so much gray area to everything because he was like yeah you know and my dad still has a hard time spelling things so I definitely think like

and he hasn't been tested but i think i got it from him and i was like yeah my dad too but my dad literally taught himself english so yeah i don't think he counts like my dad the way if someone saw the way my dad text it would be crazy but i understand it but it's literally because it's the funniest shit i've ever seen in my life it's insane because also if you hear my dad talk like he does not sound like that i also think it's part of laziness like the way my dad text is fully like

laziness it's just giving dad core like dad's text messages are like literally the worst like most offensive like soulless emotionless thing you can ever receive on your life and i think that's yeah it always feels like he's angry at me when we're texting it's like k my dad literally says k and like he doesn't realize that that's like actually yeah my dad says okay yeah he goes how are you and i said good and you

And then I said, I need that hoodie. Oh, because he sent me a picture of this girl wearing a hoodie. He said, if you heard anything bad about me, believe all that shit and leave me the fuck alone. And my dad saw that and thought of me. So he said to me, I was like, I need that hoodie. He's like, he goes, goo. Are you in New York? I just made the tuna salad. E feel oof really good. I.

literally just struggling also it's giving roblox what it is too is he i think he has the spanish um keyboard keyboard on too so and i think it's he does have autocorrect on for like the or the predicted words on for spanish so i'm sure as he's typing it always gives a replacement and he's like fighting his keyboard to type in english um yes i work in home we are good

-Yeah, he-- I think it is definitely out of laziness because if you heard my dad talk-- but also I'm like delusional and I don't think my dad has an accent but everybody who meets him is like, "That man fully has an accent." -Yeah, he has an accent but it's like-- -It's like minute. -Yeah, it's not like the craziest thing ever. -But yeah, if you heard him talk, you wouldn't think these were his text messages, I think he just doesn't want to. "They don't den it to you think it's Finnish." That's one of his texts. I'm not even kidding.

"Hi, no. Iha, remember that you had payment on it. They don't den it to you." Like, that's him saying, "They don't send it to you until it's finished," and he said, "They don't den it to you until it's finished."

I'm sure a lot of y'all have noticed we don't have many ads anymore. And you're probably thinking, wow, oh my God, I feel so bad for them. They deserve ads. But we're doing our job. You're not doing your job. You need to fucking subscribe and engage with me or I will never do my job again. I like, I can't believe I miss reading ads. I like, I miss the taste. Yeah. Let me check a text for my dad.

Okay, he sent me a picture of a Tesla and he said, isn't this so slay? Elon Musk is literally mother. He did not fucking say that, bitch. No, he didn't. All right, let's see what my dad said to me. I was like, whoa, your dad is like so interconnected into your life and wanting to understand what you do that he's like, he's learning the language of the podcast like AI. It's like AI trying to learn.

My dad says you are in gay, bitch. No, wait, let me see. Oh my God, Drew, that's fucked up. That's not okay. No, we're going to have to cut that. Like he's.

I hope you die. See, it's like funny shit like that. That's not funny, dude. No, it's like your dad being cold. But that last one was also like a full sentence. Yeah, it's like cold and soulless. You know, but it's like chill. I don't think that's chill. Yeah, I don't think that's... You will burn in hell with the rest of them. Oh. I don't know who them is. No, I think he's just... Oh, this one's just die, die, die, die, die. He's referencing Wendy Williams.

Death to all of them. I don't know if that's it. I don't think he is, dude. I think you need to have a sit down with your dad and figure something out. Well, anytime I try to talk to him, he's like, I gotta go to work. And like, he never, I've never seen him. I haven't seen him in like 10 years. For longer than like eight seconds. Wait, but I literally hung out with him for a long time, but I guess you were outside the whole time. Mm-hmm.

damn i didn't even realize that yeah he was avoiding you yeah it's very avoidant but like it's in like a fun playful hide and seek i don't think so because he kept he would be like hey like literally let me know when drew's coming back in because i gotta go why would you not tell me that well because i felt like i was imposing like what am i supposed to be like no you're my friend i know but i'm his friend too because he's hella lit and chill dude my dad is such a psycho like like genuinely a psycho because like

He gave Inya and Orion money for their flights home. Me and Orion's flights were literally free, basically. Yeah. We used points. Yeah, and he was like, give this to them. And I was like, no, they're not going to take this. They don't want this. Stop. And he was like, well, I paid for family's flights. And I was like, you didn't pay for my fucking flight. What are you talking about? Well, you're not a girl, so you should technically be able to just cover for yourself. Yeah.

You know what it is? I have a wonderful relationship with my father, okay? All of that was a joke, and I love my dad very much, and he loves me back. Oh, my God. I would say that if I was lying, too. Yeah. Now you're covering up for him? I know. This is dark. Do you want him to be held accountable or no? Yeah. Can you guys hold my father accountable, please? He doesn't give me the love I deserve. I know. We are so lucky because we love our peepaws, our pawpaws. You're my pawpaw.

Oh my god, you're drinking on the job. What? You're drinking on the job. No, I'm not. There's a paper bag. That doesn't cover that you're drinking on the job. You don't know what's in this bag. Open it. This is the third time he's drank on the job.

Are you fucking kidding me? Oh my god. Why would you lie? Why would you lie? We said it's alcohol and you said no, it's just a brown paper bag. I didn't think you would notice the crack of the huge candy. It was the loudest sound on the planet. The loud crack. I've just been stressed out, you know? Like, we're back. Okay, but it's literally 9am. I was gonna say, it's like so fucking early. Oh my god.

Is this even your first one? Because you were acting a little weird. And you did smell really bad. It's like my third one. It doesn't matter. Jesus fucking Christ. Well, hurry up and finish it because I don't want to hear it. We try to help...

And he just attacks us. Is he grabbing another one? I know he's not grabbing another one. I'm not grabbing another one. Oh my god. That's my last one. I actually want to try that. Seven. Dude, I've literally been overanalyzing you too much recently. Why? I've been watching every body movement of yours for the past like three weeks and it's making me crack up. I hate beer. Actually, this is actually really good. No, it's really yummy. Yeah, it's like sweet.

This now this seems like this weird fucking ad from we'll blur it. I never said. Yeah, that's a Heineken. Yeah. Damn. I haven't had like a straight up beer in so long. Okay, maybe when I'm lying, you're literally fucked up. You had three already. Wait, what is that screaming? That's my friend. I'm keeping her in the room. I'm hiding him in the basement. Everybody else is getting into it.

drunk episode hey oh yeah we do want to do a drunk episode really really badly um oh like that just tastes like the beach to me like i should be at the beach that one that's like not the normal one though what is like i think it's the light one oh it literally is right right okay well um your mom stinks um

Oh, we were at a meeting with our merch company and we were like just talking about like random shit and 6ix9ine came up and we were talking about how 6ix9ine used to wear those like big ass stupid fucking outfits with the big words on it. And Drew was standing and I was like, oh, I was like, Drew, look it up. Like 6ix9ine.

I need to show them what I'm talking about. Like, you know, when six and I would have like pussy and like HIV, like on his clothes, big six, nine. Well, I literally just Googled in front of all of them. I just Googled 69 pussy. Um, and then I went to the photos. He's like, Oh yeah, that's going to come up. Um,

No, literally hardcore, nasty, fucking gross ass 69 porn came up all over my phone. And it was so humiliating. But they all like laughed about it. It was literally the funniest thing I've ever seen. Like, why was that the funniest 10 minutes of my life was looking at those pictures of him? Because it's fucking psycho. It's literally the craziest shit I've ever seen. And they also just have like...

I don't know. It's just, it's really funny. And then also 6ix9ine getting his ass beat and jumped in an LA fitness. Did you know that? No. I mean, I feel like I knew intuitively that he's gotten his ass kicked before. Recently, he got jumped in an LA fitness, like coming out of the sauna. In Miami. Yeah.

And he was in his boxer briefs and it's really embarrassing. Damn. And he gets jumped and beat the fuck up. And then some little kid, it sounds like a younger kid, is like, bro, I'm a really big fan, bro. And is literally filming him walking away from getting jumped. Getting his ass beat. I think he filmed it too. Yeah, he filmed him getting jumped. And it was awesome. He like went away. Like, it's...

Isn't he not even in jail anymore? Dude, he got out because he had asthma because of COVID. When COVID hit, he got let out early and got put on probation or house arrest because of asthma. So he literally just had the luckiest setup ever. But what is your luck if you're literally on everybody's...

death like list yeah it's the opposite of dick riding it's like dick riding in the opposite direction where you jump someone you don't yeah it's like someone you don't know you jump for being a snitch like that is crazy person behavior yeah I know it is insane but it makes for awesome content and we should keep it going that guy is so different from me like could not be more different 6, 9 yeah like yeah 100% I like see that guy and I'm like

We have such different lives. It could not be more different. I'm so embarrassed because I'm wearing an orange jacket next to this fucking stupid orange thing behind me. And now I just feel like I'm one big mesh. And this orange thing. Yeah, I'm just blending in. And it's like I'm a ghost and I'm fading away. Well, I'm wearing my muchacha shirt that is getting too small for me because I'm filling out into my man figure. And I'm getting stronger and bigger. And I just look good.

I haven't worked out in like a month and a half. Me either. I just have a gym membership so I could look at it. Yeah, it's crazy. I just went to the gym today. Did you actually? For the first time in three weeks though. Did you actually? You woke up hella early. I know. I've been waking up at 7 a.m. That's so lit. Why? Do you think it was from being in New York for so long? Yeah. Well, when I got back, I was like, I'm just going to weaponize this. And I've just been like waking up at 7. That's actually so lit. That is so awesome.

Well, I couldn't do that. My earliest is like 9am is like my wake up earliest, but I've been going to sleep hella early that I will say last night was the latest I went to sleep and it was like 1am but I've been sleeping at like 12. Also being the nail biter in a relationship. It was the most traumatizing thing to ever happen to me.

Like, biting... Like, being the one who bites my nails. Like, there's nothing more awful than being the nail biter and having to be with somebody who's like, stop, stop. Like, that is my trauma. That's my story. And any other nail biters, if you're in a relationship and you're the nail biter, you know exactly what I mean. Like...

Well, now I'm going to bite my nail even more. Well, now this shit tastes good. So I'm going to fucking eat it. I mean, literally fingernails do taste good as fuck. And I don't give a fuck. So does the skin. It's like so yummy. I think the skin tastes really good, but not the nails. Like after you bite the nail and then you like smell it. Ooh, that shit hits.

I think you just like the smell of your own breath. Because that I've never understood. Because I don't think my nails would smell the same coming out of my mouth. It smells like burnt rubber and like tires. There's someone out there that knows exactly what I'm talking about. I'm being very vulnerable. Maybe you're adding so much friction to your nail that you're literally causing like a little bit of a burn smell. Yeah. Sorry, I was looking for this photo to show, but I literally can't find it. So we'll just move on. No one was happy.

Are you okay? Hey. Hey. Where'd you go? I'm here. I'm here. We shouldn't be doing this. We really shouldn't be doing this. No, we shouldn't. But we should. Because it feels so natural. We shouldn't be doing this. I like that you're natural and you're not like those other girls and all filled up with nasty, nasty, unnatural. Or wearing cake. Oh, he's all filled up. Shut the fuck up. I like that you're not like the other girls and you don't put cake icing on your face and like...

Yeah, I like that you're not like the other girls and you're not like in like a tight like little dress and just like showing off or like whatever. Like you're not like a skimpy girl. I like that you're not like the other girls and like you don't wear tampons or periods and like have that shit. Oh, no, I have that still. I'm like, no, I get that.

Ugh. The fuck? No, what's wrong with that? That is like fully like I need to get that. If I didn't, then that would be like a sign of trouble. You don't have to get that. You're being gaslit into thinking that you have to get that. Yeah. No, I think y'all are like trying to gaslight me into thinking that I don't need to get that. Okay, the fact that you even get that and

around me is crazy. Yeah, it's weird. It's a really do you find that most times when you're with a woman you are such a stress in her life you off put her period? Yeah, that's like what men do. I've never dated anyone who gets a period. Yeah. It's

It's like the same idea as like Ben Shapiro saying like, my wife never gets wet. Like when we have sex, like that's not a thing. Such a legendary. Yeah. Like it's so crazy. Was he being dead ass? Yes. He was being dead serious. And he was like, my wife doesn't get wet when we have sex. There's, she has like something wrong with her basically. And like, everyone was like, no, like she's just not physically attracted to you. And I'm sorry. That's what I do to women. That is fucking insane. Oh, okay.

Okay, that's good. I mean, at least he's not alone. With periods. Oh, yeah. You just caused them so much stress and anguish that you like literally stopped their cycle. That's kind of, I mean, honestly. It's iconic. They should be thinking. Yeah, I need that. Like kind of. You want me to really go hard? Because I can go hard. Oh, okay. I can make your life a living hell. Oh my God, no. Like you're literally scaring me. Okay. All right. All right.

Ew, dude. I've been watching Drew so closely and he literally, like, you move like a... I don't know. Sometimes you move around like a... Freddy Fazbear animatronic? Yeah, like an animatronic or like... You know when you're playing Sims and unless you hit a button they don't do anything and they're standing really still? Like, sometimes when you move around you look like you just got the action sent to your brain. Like, so you have to immediately do it. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, you never slowly get into gear to move. You just like...

You move like too fast after being stagnant for too long. And that's why you're always almost fainting. Yeah, I was just about to bring that up. My mom is always like, when I'm in Texas, I guess I stand up too fast. And she's like, Drew, you have to stand up slower. Like you're going to pass out and faint. And I'm like, yeah, I know. I've like literally it's happened like several times just being here. She's like, just stand up slower. And I like physically can't make myself do it. No, it's literally because there's a little like,

in your, like, chest, probably, that's, like, moving things around and it's like, get up. Yeah, exactly. Also, I have, like...

weird breathing like habits where when I stand up I like yeah when your throat is abused for too much of your life that usually happens yeah yeah no when I stand up I like hold my breath like I like and I also just hold my breath for like just random amounts of times where I was just like hold I don't know it's really weird no I actually did three and a half minutes at the chateau

Really? I swear to God, I can do it right now. After a popper? Yeah, exactly. I held it in really deep. Well, I probably did too when I was too high and I couldn't breathe. So you're not the only one. Help me! Help me! Help me! I, again, on my getting scared and high journey, I got so high when we binge watched RuPaul's Drag Race and I felt like I was living in a different place.

planet yeah that show watching it high is literally the craziest thing you can do to your brain it is so like it just is sensory overload it feels like it's from an alien extraterrestrial planet like everything is on purpose like makes things so weird yeah and like when you're high watching it like you kind of realize that like

this show kind of sucks. Like I can't explain it. Like the editing of the show or something about it kind of sucks. And it's literally just like, I haven't, this isn't my joke, but like, it's literally just Cocoa Melon for adults. Like the colors, like the flashing lights, the sound effects, like the little ad libs, like all of it is just like,

engineered to like seep into your brain and like not come out like it's crazy. Like it's so awesome because it is the best and worst thing ever. Yeah. It's the best thing ever because all the queens on it, especially this, this was such a good season. It was wild, but it's the worst show ever because it's like what is happening.

Just what is happening, the way it's edited is so crazy. It genuinely felt like I was being put in a room. What is it called when they show shows to audiences to get a reaction to see if they need to change anything? Not a case study.

I know what you're talking about. Yeah, so it felt like that, but I was visiting this planet and they were trying to show me like what's up, like what's happening on this world. And I just was like, whoa. Also, side note is y'all gotta stop being mean to the villain queens when they actually are brave enough to be the villains like publicly, like in your friend group, like talk your shit. But like we need villain queens to make this shit interesting. And that's why this season was so fun was because there were a bunch of mean bitches coming

But you can't be mean to them publicly or everyone's going to be afraid to be the villain. Like, we need a villain. Yeah, villains make good TV. And that's why everybody, like, decides to be a villain is because it makes good TV. Exactly. Also, all I can think about is there's this one, like, part in the season where RuPaul goes, like... It was when one of the queens was crying over their life and...

Ru just goes, and you deserve it. Like, about, like, them having a good life. But it's, like, Ru just looks like a robot. Like, no facial emotions or movements. Like, you deserve it. At this point, RuPaul genuinely might be artificial intelligence. Like, AI generated. Because, like...

He is also like actually 876 years old and not enough people talk about that is the fact that RuPaul is 876 years old and just a vampire. But I think he actually might have passed.

Yeah, I genuinely think that like at the end of episodes, somebody unlocks a big weekend at Bernie's at the back at the back of RuPaul's back and like hits buttons and turns them off. Remember when we convinced our friend that they were a robot and that they glitched in the ocean? We had a buddy and where were we in Miami? Yes, we all went to the beach.

And like I'm not going to mention this person by name but they were like swimming in the water and we all like concocted a plan. I think everyone was high so this is why this is done. Yeah we all concocted a plan to be like yo we should like tell them that they like started glitching and saying like the craziest like shit ever and like.

They like came back and were like, dude, like you literally started glitching in the water and we saw like electricity and you were saying crazy shit like rebooting, rebooting, like error, error, error and like crazy shit. And they're like, what? Like what? And they genuinely believed us that they were like a gay robot. Yeah.

- That's the thing. - And the person of the story is Drew. - Yeah, I was the robot, the gay robot. - But we tricked Drew into thinking it wasn't him who we did it to, but it was Drew. - Yeah, okay. Also one thing I wanna address, I told a story in the very beginning of the last episode where I said I'm the only real bisexual person.

I don't fuck with any of that bullshit that's on the other side. I don't bat that way. I am straight through and through. Like, get that shit straight. Yeah, but why would you say that? And you said it, like, really proudly. I mean, it's still a wrong thing to say. I am fucking straight as an arrow. An arrow to the knee. If you're straight, you get that. Like, that's a straight joke. I get it. I get it. What is an arrow to the knee? It's for the boys. Like, the weekends are for the boys. Saturdays are for the boys. Saturdays are for the boys. Uh.

We were at Mason's party and you guys are all across the street. I was watching Drew so intently in the way he was like moving around. Our friends are like,

there was like an animal that was injured and walking on the sidewalk and they saw like the bloody footprint so everybody was investigating it and trying to figure out like okay what could have happened here like did someone do this and i was taking it dead serious yeah he was like they were all so into it we were sitting on this hill watching everybody like go around and like look at it and everyone was taking it so serious but drew literally started like

hopping around and like reenacting what the animal looked like because it was one footprint it was the front left paw and it was like bloody and it was bloody like for literally like 600 feet and it was one print and the blood spatter was the exact same on each paw print and we were trying to figure out like how the fuck did this happen like

Was it hit by a car? Was it like someone abusing their animal? Was it like an animal attacking another animal? It was crazy, but it was one footprint. So I had to hop to see maybe it was hopping on one foot. But it was not. And then he started gritting and it was like the most insane thing I've ever seen. I've been getting good at gritty. Should I show them? Yeah, I guess like an update is. OK, wait one sec. Ew, you're like getting ready.

It's like when someone starts a race. Okay, go. Whoa. It's literally just a walk. Dude. It got worse, honestly. I don't know what happened, Drew.

But that is significantly worse than the last one. Gritty update. It's, like, worse than it was before. Gritty update. I've just been observing Drew because I don't believe he's real anymore. You got away with it for a long time, but I don't think you're real anymore. I've been tricking you. No, I think you're just really, like, seeing through the cracks and seeing me for who I really am. And you're kind of, like, more self-aware than you were. And you're like, oh, whoa, like, something actually might be wrong with him. I mean, I think I've always noticed... What was the dyslexia test? Oh, okay, so...

Let's try some of them. I was going to write it down, but I was too lazy. But I remember some of the things that have to be done. So I'm going to say words to you. I'm going to say some numbers to you, and you have to repeat them back to me. That's easy, right? 4589. 4589. 7259. 7259. 8312. 8312. Okay, so you can do that. No problem. Easy. Okay.

Now I'm going to do the same thing, but you have to say the numbers backward. So 8492. 24. That's crazy. Actually, wait, 4892. I don't remember what it is. So 5948. 8459. No, because I said 5948.

eight four five nine no fuck yeah see you can't do it i will say that one i couldn't do either and i literally i was watching a youtube video and could like pause it and do whatever but i literally couldn't even remember the is there like a time limit to it also i think he said six numbers so i think it was like supposed to be like here i can i can't do the ones forward all day fucking long but the ones backward

Okay, let's do the repetition again. 739-527. 739-527. Okay. I think you can do that one easy. Okay, do this one backwards. 295749. I literally don't. I can't. 94725. No, it's 947592.

I that's actually like goes straight over my head. I wonder if the letters had to be super specific. Could you do it backwards? No, I couldn't at all. But I even had a hard time doing it forward. Do one with Kai real quick just to see. Repeat these numbers backwards. 739-527. I can't do that. Yeah, I think that's literally insane. I feel like no one could do that. I can't do that. That's insane. And then there's going to be a bunch of people who are like, I literally just did that. Okay, do this one. 295-749. Okay.

I can't do that. 29574994792. Can you do it with like two numbers? Wait, let me see. Oh, and then he said if you have a hard time with six, seven, and eight multiplications, then yeah, that's like a sign. I can't do nines too. I suck at it. I'm only good at it because I learned this in elementary 6, 6, 36, 6, 7, 42, 6, 8, 48, 6, 9,

i don't even remember 64 to question mark 7 7 49 7 8 56 i don't know 7 9 63 8 8 i also saw they're teaching children like new ways to multiply i don't know what it is but it's it's like i think it's like a sumerian like number system or some shit like that that's definitely not what it is but it's like ancient ancient number system based on like

really really old times instead of it being like random like characters like a four and a one like have nothing to do with each other like one will be like a line two will be two lines three will be three lines it's almost like uh what's that ivy thing it has like one in a roman numerals yeah it's almost like roman numerals but like there's even more like

It's kind of like based on like almost like geometry. It's really interesting. And it like makes multiplication and addition like really, really in subtraction really fucking easy because like it'll be two lines plus like I'll try to find it because it's actually really cool. Like the graphic. Yeah, but I've always been bad at math. Like math was never my strong suit. It was so bad. Like I can't do long division. When we were sitting around with Josh and Josh got bored and started putting division questions in our face, I literally couldn't believe it.

or like multiplication in our face. I can't do that. Yeah. The way I get away with it is I just like start adding up each number like however many times it needs to do. And if I'm lucky, it's an even number and I could just like add the thing up twice and then do okay that number plus that number plus that number. Does that make sense? Like, yeah. Also, it's giving like, why do I need to know how to do math? I literally have a calculator. I know we have iPhones. Nobody needs to know how to spell, read or write because you have voice to fucking like chat like

You have everything. Like, hello. Yeah. All you need is intuition and, like, creativity. And Google. And that's fucking tea. Also, it's crazy that we were the last generation that got taught how to write cursive. Yeah. Because nobody gets taught cursive anymore. Yeah, no. Like, I think my year might have been... Dude, all these signatures are going to be just regular. Just, like, written. Like, I think people know to make up fancy little signatures, but...

kids don't get taught cursive at all. Like, my siblings cannot read cursive. Like, they literally look at cursive and they're like, what the fuck is that? That's crazy. Because they just weren't taught cursive. I mean, it's bullshit. Who fucking cares? Because it's pretty and fun. Do you guys have good signatures? Does it look good? Mine looks okay. Mine is really boring. It's just my name in cursive. I don't feel like I should say that out loud. I remember I saw Josiah's and it was really good.

I wonder, how do you draw on the iPhone? I'll show you mine real quick. Me? Like, what is someone going to do? Plagiarize a check with my name on it? Like, I don't know why I'm concerned. Is that actually yours? Let me see. Yeah, that's what Drew does. You do that on checks? Okay. Good, like, what the fuck? Like, who cares? It's on my ID, too. Mine is literally just boring. That looks good. I think that's...

That's definitely better than mine. That's literally just the signature fucking... And yeah, the singer has too. So my signature isn't even fancy. It's just my name. It's like, who's gonna jack that, you know? Yeah. Just simplify it to the maximum. Like, who fucking cares? Um, okay...

Should we tap into some media? Yeah. Meteor. Well. Wait, there was one more thing in the dyslexic test. Oh, this one. I'm curious. Okay. When I say a word, you need to, I'm going to tell you what like letter to replace what with and tell me what the new word is. So waste. Replace W with P. Paste. Brain. Replace B with C. Crane. Okay. Then you're good.

Maybe you're just like dumb. No, no, no. You're not dumb, true. I know, I'm like intelligent beyond my years. No, I actually do think you just have dyslexia because I met somebody recently. I think I said this on the episode, but like she was talking about how she like fully has diagnosed dyslexia and she does everything you do. Like everything. Like she's like, dude, it's like simple words that I just can't do. Like, and I have to do word to text. Everybody's mad because I'm always like talking out loud.

at my iPhone like for all of my texts she couldn't read out loud she was like I have a really hard time reading out loud like I know how to spell but I just like cannot spell like she was like I always have to ask people to like spell check for me because I always am like I don't know how to spell that word and it could be a word that she's like says or writes every day but she just her brain is like I'm gonna go get diagnosed how funny would that be you should do it and then make it your whole personality yeah

Yeah. Did you guys know that 30% of the United States is undiagnosed with ligma? Ligma balls, you fucking stupid bitch. What is ligma? You thought you were going to fucking get us? Oh my god, no, Jordan, that's... Ligma balls, you stupid bitch. You thought you were going to fucking get me? I just said it. That's right. I don't get it. 4D chest. Like, lick my balls. Like, ligma. Yeah, I bodied you. Oh, okay.

Like in a like, haha, lick my balls, dummy. Do you know Dee? I was going to say my friend Sagandhi's Jones. Who is that? Who's Sagandhi's? Sagandhi's Nuts.

Oh, fuck. Oh, actually, this is unironic. We're going to SawCon tomorrow. Do you want to go? Fuck you. SawCon these nuts. Oh, I haven't even heard that. I literally believed it because I was like, SawCon? Like, we do go to conventions enough that I was like, whoa, there's a convention about Saw? Yeah. All right, whatever. That was bad. Do you know what if I...

What if I put my balls all the way in your ass? I would be excited and happy. Like, I don't get the joke. It's not even that funny because that's what I, like, beg for. Jesus Christ. I didn't see it going in that direction, honestly. I've been asking him for months, years. It's true. He's been begging for that. Okay, just stop, please. Some media. We went and saw Bo is Afraid. And we have good news. Yeah. Yeah.

we liked it yeah i i think that like i think i'm kind of with everybody else where i'm like oh the first like hour and a half two hours are like really really fucking good like

borderline masterpiece material and then like it just kind of crossed my suspension of disbelief but like the more I thought about it like after the movie the more I was like that's exactly like what he wanted us to do like he wanted it to be like you getting bored of this guy's like anxieties and problems and like giving up on him like everybody else did and like all that shit and yeah I enjoyed it I liked it I really liked it um

I just think that there was like, there was like actually, uh, if 30 minutes of the movie was cut, I would, it would be like the best movie in the world to me. But even if like 15 of it was cut, it would still be the best because they kind of, this is spoiler, spoiler if you haven't seen it, but the boat scene, like once it got to the boat scene, like him getting in the boat, like I feel, I felt like he was in the boat for so long for some reason. Like, but that's just because at that point I was like, damn, like what is like, how can something else happen? Um,

Once that started, I was like, okay, I'm, like, tapped out. But then they brought me back in because there was, like, funny parts after that. So, yeah, that's my take. I actually really liked it, though. Because I was going in. I literally, when you, me and Jess were talking, when you were, like, when you sentenced that you got the tickets, I was like, fuck. I almost, like...

was hoping that everybody would bail so i didn't have to see it because people were making it seem like it was like the fucking worst movie on the planet but it really wasn't it was like good because i've seen some bad movies that everybody liked and i'm like i left i left at two hours at the very end of the movie that literally he like predicted that happening like the last scene like everybody was walking out

like there was like a big spoiler alert like go watch it don't listen to this but there was like a big stadium where he was being like prosecuted and the jury was like it was huge it was like fucking crypto arena it was like supposed to be like a roman theater yeah and like everybody in the crowd the jury like after he was like

Even before he was, like, convicted of his guilty crimes, like, whatever he did, he... All the jury was just, like, walking out of the theater. Like, the whole audience just started being like, all right, like... Yeah. Whoa. Fancy. Which is... I was like, damn. He literally... He fully was like, people are going to walk out of this. That's cool. But, yeah, personally, I just don't walk out of things because I'm the kind of girl that, like, I stick it to the end. Mm-hmm. But...

It was awesome. Also, them playing... Did you even get to where they played Mariah Carey? I don't think so. Dude, what? Oh, you missed some really actually good parts. It's okay. Can I tell you it? Or I'll tell you after. Because I don't want to keep literally saying spoilers. But it was actually so fucking funny. But you just missed it. Also, on my Letterboxd review...

apparently someone was being very, very hateful and like extremely rude so much to the point where Letterboxd removed their comment and threatened to ban their account. And everybody replied to this guy and said, what's going on with this guy, Danny? Danny, your insecurities are showing. I already know Danny smells like shit and breathes out of his mouth. Danny eats shit and paint. You're so mad and gay. Great job, guys. Danny is gone. So I think he said some really hateful shit to my Letterboxd review.

And he doesn't even follow me. To yours? Yeah. Oh, shit. His review is so... My grandpa ate half a quart of pain today thinking it was yogurt. Danny Laffoon. Everybody go to Danny Laffoon and block his ass and ban his fucking account because he is being a...

Never mind, I'm not going to say that. But he deserves to die in a fire and I hope he burns. I don't even know what he said to me. I want to ask Letterboxd because I'm cool with Letterboxd. Like, we're chill. Like, we have a good relationship. I'm going to ask him to give me, like, the comments so I can take him to the court of law. To the court of law. I will say that I think the first hour and a half was good. I liked it. I do agree with everybody that, like, Josh was saying, like, the first 30 minutes was, like, super...

so fucking good. It was fire. And that was like, yeah, it was amazing. But the whole movie in general, I actually do really like and I just like that I, this is also just me projecting my like idea onto it. Like I do feel like it was just like commentary on like big pharma and like how we treat people with anxiety and like all these things and like what it means to have anxiety and like how like deep it could go, whatever, whatever. Like obvious, everybody I think walked away thinking that, but it was really good. And like some of the things you missed,

are cool like they just did such a good job of like although it was like the longest fucking movie ever and so much shit was happening i think they did a good job of like kind of tying it back to the beginning i just watched josh like tiptoe by so he didn't make noise um but yeah do you want to get into some of your music media yeah i really want to know what this fucking freak bitch said for everyone to ride like that he must have said some really hateful shit he probably was just mad that you made a joke

um he was probably just mad that i like liked the movie i mean i would be mad too but that's like everyone why do people get mad at that shit like i don't know i truly don't understand why people get upset like whether you like it or not like literally why like actually why does it matter like just like oh no surprises radiohead yeah poker face lady gaga yeah oh wait this

So real, Jeff Buckley. And then sua amiga voy cerrar. MC Levin. I don't know if that's Portuguese or... Is that Portuguese? It might be because it's giving Brazil. Yeah, I was going to say, is that one of the... Yeah, I think it's Portuguese because... Okay. L'Oreal. Dude, my friend just reposted this song by Elton John.

The title of which is I Think I'm Going to Kill Myself. That is fucking lit because that is literally my vibe. That's so hard. If It Isn't Love, new edition. Vacuum by Gang Gang Dance. Or is it Gong Gong Dance? Secret Teardrops by Martin Rev. I can't say the name of this one, so you're not going to get it. Tch, tch, tch, tch.

poor side of town the fifth dimension which I think I said last week but that song is so good oh we did a baby by General Lee and the Space Army Band we did it Joe we did it Joe and that's it for this episode thank you so much for watching and listening and loving and learning with us today what did we learn today we learned that Drew is dyslexic and straight which is a feat

I'm different than a lot of these girls. Yeah, that's what I think. I do a lot of things better than most. You're drunk off that one sip of beer. Actually, I literally normally off like a sip of a beer, I can like feel it. Yeah. And I didn't feel that at all, which is interesting. It's a light beer. I want to drink chlorine water so bad. Really? Yeah.

Yeah, but like because of the smell of it, like while you were talking about that, I was like, damn, like I don't want to drink water park water because that's like the most filthy water on the planet. But you know the smell of it because they pump so much chlorine into it to cover the piss and shit. Like going into an indoor pool. Yeah. Like that aroma. Oh my God.

They need to make that into a candle. Yeah, I need to go into an indoor pool right now. I want to drink gasoline. That smells good to me. Gasoline does smell really good to me. That smells good. Literally does. And then I also want to drink a big bucket of piss. Okay, yeah. We're done. All right. Thank you guys so much for watching. Yeah.