scared straight (Drews story)
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Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.

Welcome to the Merchants.

I'm so happy to finally be back home. Home, sweet home. I'm coming home. I'm coming home. Maybe when I'm coming all over your bed. I'm coming home. Tell the world that I'm coming home. You know how some people have a plastic layer? Okay, Kai's blowing O's with the puff bar I gave him back there. We also have a live audience through the windows of our house. Um...

You know how some people have like a plastic wrap over their sofa to keep it protected? I've done that with semen and cum and spit. So there's a protective like card. Like if you go touch our sofa, it's like this sound. That's what I did to your pillow too. Yeah, I know. But I'm happy because I can chip it off at night instead of biting my fingers. Do not let me sit on your leather couch if it is peeling because I will peel that shit more. Do not let me do that. It's like...

It's like a face mask, like you know the American Psycho face mask. Okay, well I have a question. I saw Lil Yachty ask this question and I was like, "Ooh, this is a good question for y'all." If you have one week left to live, what would you do or say to the world that you've always wanted to do or say? - I'm so quick at the mouth publicly. I don't know that, I think it's a problem that there's too much I have said already. So I think I would do the opposite and I would revert to silence.

I would say there's seven hours left and then start a countdown in their head and then everyone's freaking the fuck out and calling their loved ones and telling, I love you so fucking much. I love you. We're all gonna die. What's gonna happen? Is there an afterlife? Everyone's freaking the fuck out and then the clock hits seven and it's just like, bruh,

Bruh. Bruh. Sound effect and that's it. Across the world? How would you even get that? I'm omnipresent. Okay, so in this hypothetical, you have the power to do anything. Yeah. I think mine is I would count down to my death like I'm releasing a brand. So I'd be so excited to share this with you guys next week. It's going to be big and get a bunch of graphics and stuff done as if I'm releasing a brand. And then on the day that I die, it's just a raw photo of me in an open casket. Mmm.

So I can hurt everybody. Open caskets are so unnatural. I don't know why we do that. That is like the weirdest thing ever. I know. Like the last fucking images I have of my loved ones are them with like the worst full beat I've ever seen. Like it's like cakey as fucking like flaking and pale. It's like literally how Josiah looks on his side TikTok account. Yeah. How I've seen my loved ones. Like it's not chill. Like.

literally my brother had like like an iconic birthmark under his eye and they covered it up like they made it like pale and nasty and i was just like oh my god like if you're gonna beat like if you're gonna be a morgue beater like you have to beat down yeah you need to like be going to is that is that what they call that yeah yeah a body beater that's what they call a body beater yeah that's what they call me when i hit it

When I'm hitting it. Yep. I don't think that's a good thing. No, like from the back. Oh, because you beat it up. Back shots. All right, who's going to give me back shots? No, like dead ass, who in this room is going to give me back shots? Me. Who's it going to be? Me. Who's doing it? It's going to be me. Or maybe it's me. Me and Kai can tussle for it. Tussle and wrestle. We could go back to back for hours. We'll get oiled up and tussle around, and then you can pick whoever. Drew, we could low-key go back to back for hours on you.

I know, yeah, we could just toss you back and forth. Back to Black by... Till It Burns. What's her name? Amy Winehouse. Amy Winehouse. Right. Okay, cool. Good opener. Anyways. I would say, for my last words, I would be like...

Fuck, what's, like, something hilarious I could say right now to win the crowd over? You wish you could fart on everybody. Yeah. That sounds like something you would say. Honestly, under pressure, I would probably say something, like, crazy. I can't think of it right now, but I would probably say something crazy. I would say something overly emotional so that when I die, there's, like, gorgeous edits of me on TikTok. No, the first one that came to my mind is, like, that one joke on Twitter where it's, like, if I, like...

Like, the last thing I would do is I would hack, like, your favorite K-pop stan's Twitter and tweet some, like, really insane, blasphemous shit and just, like, ruin their career and log off forever. That's it. That's the last thing I would do. That's, like, I would do a TED Talk, probably. Something positive for the world. Yeah, I would say something hella positive, too, Drew. Yeah. Me and Enya would say something really positive and just, like... You're just, like, a negative Nancy over there. Leave on a good note. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm seeing you as a human right now. You're gonna die. The lighting in here is too clear and I'm looking at you like you're a person. Yeah, no, like when I like get

like too high, I like see through people and I see them for who they really are. And I like psychoanalyze them until like they're the like reason why they act the way they do, like as far as like childhood. And I can like see the facade that they've built and like break it down piece by piece. And I'm like, oh, like,

the reason you act this way is because this happened to you. And that's the way you are. And it freaks me the fuck out. Also, I can just see through the facade of television and Netflix in general. It's created by Illuminati aliens to keep us stupid. I'm one of the only people who could tell that the stuff on Netflix isn't real.

Yeah, no, like, dead ass. Like, dead ass. I feel like I'm the only one. I'm the only one who could tell this is, like, made for, like, childish, like, Cuban-like entertainment. Yeah. And that's why I only watch South Park. It's to keep us dumb. It's to keep us dumb television. South Park is to keep me intelligent. But anyways, so I didn't tell you about this, but...

After the first day of the pop-up, like I think it was like the Monday after me and Josiah really really wanted to like go get massages and That's sexy. We like but like we've looked at a bunch of places and we were just like we don't want to like travel that far like we don't Like want to do all that. So we just went to the one really really close to the house That's like a five-minute walk away basically and

And like we get there and I'm like, oh, this place is like insane. Like there was like a giant like construction like truck out front. And I was like, are they even open? And like we had to walk through like 20 construction workers. Yeah. We had to like walk through like 20 construction workers and all this shit. And I was like, damn, this is like like it was around noon. So I was like, oh, they're probably on their lunch break anyways. So like we go in, we book an appointment, we pay before, which I've never done before.

And right after we pay, they're like, oh, there's like no refunds, but also they're doing construction upstairs. And I was like, oh, word like that's not that deep. Like construction isn't that crazy. Like it's not. Yeah, it's like I've heard construction. It can't be that bad. Oh, my fucking God, dude. It was crazy.

It literally felt like they were like kept fucking throwing grenades upstairs and like they were like ripping down walls and like every once in a while they would get above my room where I was getting my massage and just drop like a hammer and like a cinder block and like you would see like dust fall from the roof and like hit me in my eyes and I was like, oh my God, like the roof is going to collapse. And like I was just like dying laughing the entire time and like the masseuse. Yeah, that was like a massage to practice your focus on good feelings instead of anxieties.

That's why they were doing it. Like, imagine you like lying down getting a massage and there's like cracks for me. No, that's literally like what it fucking felt like. Like you could see the roof like bow and shake. Like they would, it was like, I really cannot iterate to you how loud it really actually was. Like, I'm trying to like give an example, but like,

I don't know, like upstairs neighbor activities, like dead fucking serious. Like it was crazy. And like, it was also like before I was like, I want a deep tissue massage because I want to be bruised, battered and bleeding when I leave the masseuse. Like I want to like literally be in pain. You want to limp out? Yeah, like I want it to fucking hurt down. And it felt like she was fucking petting me like a cat. Like it was like not...

the vibe at all. Like I was like, and I kept telling her, I was like, can you like go a little harder? Cause I finally, every time I'm in a massage, I'm like always too scared to speak up. Cause I'm like, I'm not going to tell this like poor woman or man to do like their fucking job. They know what they're doing. This time I was like, finally, like I'm going to be a brave boy and ask for the service I asked for. And she literally ignored me three fucking times. Like she acted like I did not fucking exist at all. It was like insane. And like,

I was also just like laughing and like the only word she said was like, oh, too hard. And I was like, no, not at all. And I was like, I'm laughing because the roof is about to cave in. And she just like got silent. And I was just like, damn, OK. So you know what I did is I stole the fucking yoga pants from them. Oh, my God. Yeah. No, I actually didn't do that. I wish I did. They're like these cute little rainbow shorts. And I wish I. Oh, you would want to steal some rainbow shorts. That makes sense.

Hello? Damn, only 10 minutes before the first walkout. Oh my god, he's hitting himself. Oh god. He's smacking himself in the head, guys. Oh my god. Are you okay? Do you need a second? Shut the fuck up. Oh my god. What the fuck? I'm good. Let's keep rolling, keep rolling. Sounds like somebody needs another massage because you're freaking out. Damn!

I was watching through old episodes of Field Trip because I was like, we need to start doing something like that again. Like, it's so funny. And it was like so much of it like landed. Like I was watching through one of the episodes yesterday. And you said the Druth back then. Yeah, that was the band name. Yeah. That's so crazy. Like, I didn't remember that that's where that originated. The Druth will set you free, but first it'll piss you off.

But first it'll piss you off. Yeah, the Druth has been around for so long. It's crazy. I mean, like, what people don't realize is I found, like, a silver, like, a group of silver tablets, like, kind of explaining the, like, following of the Druth and, like,

People, oh, that's like normal. That's in our backyard buried by a bush. And people are like, oh, that's like like Mormonism, like whatever. No, like it was silver tablets. Dumbass. So like the Mormon tablets gold. Yeah. Basically, like long story short, like we all have to jump into a volcano to set ourselves free from Samsara.

Who's Samsara? Oh, Samsara is the devil. No, no, no. Wait, who's Samsara? I think it's like reincarnation. Oh, okay. Like the world of reincarnation, but that could have been the most ignorant shit I've ever said. I'm looking up Scientology right now, and this seems like really similar. Oh, I'm looking up and down your mom, and like I want to bang her. Yeah, and she's going to get banged. If Drew says he's going to bang, he's going to bang. Yeah, he probably will. And she's going to love it. Yeah, she'll probably love it.

Oh my god guys it's Black Friday congrats to anybody watching this on Black Friday oh my god how exciting. Dude Walmart isn't doing Black Friday this year. Black Friday is the craziest vibe ever. I know. It is so crazy. It's like that one what was that one beach like Normandy Beach like Doomsday.

where they like old beach you know they put like a bunch of them like soldiers on that beach and like all of them died that's what black friday is am i are you saying that all i can think about is trisha paytas on the beach that's literally that's what she was referencing like literally that being your like culture reference that's my historical reference is trisha paytas for creating that but that's it

right? Yeah. So she's teaching. No, she spilled. She spilled. But yeah, they're not doing Black Friday at Walmart this year, which I feel like is like literally a sign of the end. Like, it's really bizarre. Why the fuck can't Black Friday happen at Walmart? Like, that's where it should be happening. That's like the only place it should happen. And like a lot of like 24 hour stores since the pandemic have not been 24 hours. And like,

A lot of you bitches have not experienced a Walmart run at 3 a.m. and how fucking horrifying that is. But it was so fun. And, like, how...

Like, it is the pinnacle of people watching. Or, like, 24-hour CBS. Yeah. I feel like there's some CBSes that are still 24 hours. Or a 24-hour challenge in an Amazon factory, Brent Rivera YouTube video. Is that, like, a video he did? No, but he's been, like... Trying to bring it back? I don't fucking know what his vibe is. Like, his videos scare me more than Mr. Beast do. Like, he's, like...

has like money and like does really big videos and it freaks me the fuck out and also i swear to god him and his sister are making out like constantly they're creepy as fuck bro like i mean you can't even judge that because we're like second cousins and we do it so it's like don't it's a little different okay it's a little different yeah it is legally different like very different yeah could you get like arrested for just making out with

- A family member? I don't think so. - I don't know, isn't divorce illegal or some shit? Infidelity? Bitch, no one goes to jail for infidelity or cheating or whatever. - Except for you. You're gonna be met with papers because I'm tired of being cheated on by you. I have to do something. - And you knew I was a slut and a whore before you started banging me. - But you said you would change for me and I guess I was just stupid to believe you. - Was it in writing?

- No. - Okay. - Okay. - If anything-- - Well, I tried to get it in our prenup that if you cheated-- - We want prenup! We want prenup! - Prenups don't even work.

I know, literally. If I started seeing somebody who was a fucking gazillionaire and my whole lifestyle changed and they had me sign a prenup, I can still get a divorce and then be like, this is unfair and will be traumatic for me to go back to my life and I can still get money out of that. Did you know that? Yeah, you can still fully get money. I thought that shit protected you. No, because you don't need protection, so you shouldn't even be thinking about being protected. As someone who will be incredibly rich. Oh, you said you thought it protected me.

Yeah. Yeah. Like someone like me needs protection. Yeah. Someone with millions and millions of dollars. So much money. Someone with billions of dollars. It's crazy that like I used to be like, oh my God, like hoarding wealth is bad. But like now I fuck with it. Now I get it. What? Billions? Yeah. I mean, the podcast is like estimated to be worth like 10.7 billion right now. Yeah. Yeah.

It's actually crazy. No, we need to bring back wealth hoarding. Yeah, we need to bring it back. We really do. Like enough judging for it. Like it's fine. I feel like the 1% hasn't sequestered enough money. Yeah, right. That's what I was thinking recently. I'm like, oh my God, they like, they're seeming a little cheap right now. You know the statistic? It's like since the pandemic, 50% of the wealth

has been sequestered to like the 1%. It should be 100%. That's what I'm thinking. They worked hard. So right now, there's technically lower and like a false middle class and then the upper class. It should literally just be upper class and like no lower class.

It should just be bottoms. Yeah, yeah, bottoms everywhere. Wait, are we saying we want to divide the wealth? I just want Jeff Bezos to have all of the money. And I want him to get on a spaceship and then just blow up the Earth. Well, what are we supposed to do then if that happens? Guys, wait until you realize that money isn't real. And that it's like every time we make a transaction, we're coding this simulation and you can change this simulation by not using money.

It's like binary ones and zeros. Every transaction you make, you're coding the simulation. I saw Drew. He was looking at an incense like smoke coming from it. And he was just like controlling it with his mind. And then I kid you not, his bank account was open and the numbers were just going up. Yeah. What the hell? Can you do that for mine? Hell no. Oh, OK. You don't believe in like you need a moon water quartz necklace to make my money go up. Yeah. It brings like abundance. What does that look like?

It's a moon water quartz necklace, babe. I guess only somebody with as much wealth as you would know what it looks like. Exactly, exactly. Is it an expensive, like, rock? No, don't call it a fucking rock. Inya? No.

it's a mineral it's a mineral it's a crystal that's literally a rock i can't believe that like drew what drew spends his money on will like always astonish me i was like gone for a week for work and i came back and drew was like yeah i can't work out yet because of my facial and i was like kind of confused because when i came back he had a bunch of like korean face masks and i was like which one of these told him he couldn't get like get sweaty and then we were like going into the gym

to shower because our fucking house is falling apart and we don't have warm water and we paid our bills but actually the pipes are literally all fucking busted and we only have freezing cold water in the house right now so we have to go to the gym it's still fucked up it's even worse and it was like lukewarm and we were like oh this is weird we had someone come try to fix it and then it was like a little warmer and we were like fuck I guess we're just never gonna have as hot of water as we used to have but now no hot water

Plumbers have come and they're like, shut the fuck up. No, literally both plumbers that came, we have a third one coming tomorrow where I have literally never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know why this is happening right now. It's literally because that apartment wants us out. It's like, you've been here for five years. Get the fuck out. Oh wow, it's been five years? Yeah. In May it's...

Five years. You guys ran through that apartment. Like, literally. I love that apartment. I need out. Don't fucking talk to me. No, it is really nice. Last night, I was actually looking around, and I was like, there's really beautiful, like, ornamental trim. Yeah. That I feel like is kind of rare. Yeah, it is. Because, like, even if you look at the other apartments in the complex, like...

when people would move out, we would go look at them because we were like, I'm so curious what our neighbors' houses look like. And they ripped all that out. Like, they tried to make all of them, like, modern. I love, though, when people, like a developer in LA will have, like, this beautiful, like, old interior and then they'll just gut it and put, like, a gray floor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm actually such a big... Gray plastic floors? Yes. I'm such a proponent for, like,

like killing history and just like forgetting about history like you should be able to go into home and be like oh my god so many lives have been lived here it's so beautiful and gorgeous and well kept I'm gonna tear it down and put a fake marble slab on this island yeah that will get stained by everything yeah I want to walk into my house and immediately go insane yeah I want to feel like I'm going into an Airbnb every time I go home that's kind of the new vibe it has to smell like bleach I want to feel like I'm 5150 at all times yeah

Have you all heard of the monkey ladder experiment? No. Do you want to know about it? Yes, please. I think you're going to tell us, but yes. Okay. Yes, please. So basically, this group of scientists got four monkeys and put them in an enclosure with a ladder up a tree. And at the top of the ladder, there were bananas. Okay.

And they were all hungry. And so one day a monkey climbed up the tree to get or climbed up the ladder to get the bananas. And when he reached the bananas, the other three monkeys at the bottom were all sprayed with really, really cold water. Right.

I'm sure a lot of y'all have noticed we don't have many ads anymore and you're probably thinking, wow, oh my God, I feel so bad for them. They deserve ads. But we're doing our job. You're not doing your job. You need to fucking subscribe and engage with me or I will never do my job again. I like, I can't believe I miss reading ads. I like, I miss the taste. Oh, fuck. I was asleep. Sorry. Did you say something? Oh my God. Did you say something before? Wake up.

I fell asleep. I just got super bored. I just got super bored. And then I just fell asleep. Yeah, I was telling you about the monkey ladder experiment. Oh, where am I? Guys, can you please be present? I'm talking about the monkey ladder experiment. No, it's really important. It's really important right now. I actually do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I actually... Guys, seriously. Listen up. It's really on... If you also fell asleep, wake up. It's really, really topical for what's going on right now. But...

So the monkeys at the bottom that weren't on the ladder getting the bananas all got sprayed. And when the monkey came down, they were pissed at him and beat the fuck out of him. Like literally, this literally happened. They were beating the fuck out of this monkey that climbed a piss ladder for getting them sprayed with water. And so then another day, another monkey went up and...

And he went to reach for the bananas and all of the monkeys at the bottom, including the one that just was up there, got sprayed with water. And then he came down and got beat the fuck up. They were like pissed off.

Well, then, so this went on, new monkey going up, monkeys at the bottom getting sprayed. Why could only one monkey go up at a time? It's just for the sake of the experiment. Okay, okay. And then, like, no poke holes in it. I was going to say. And then, so, like, the point isn't them reaching the bananas. The point is the monkeys at the bottom getting sprayed. Okay, okay. And then, so, they, like, kept doing this. They couldn't reach the bananas. They were keeping, they kept getting sprayed at the bottom. So, eventually, like...

Everyone was like tired and so they would take out one of the monkeys that was in the experiment and replace it with a new monkey and they kept doing this over and over again and like a monkey would go and climb up and reach for the bananas. Everyone would get sprayed. They'd be pissed. Well then eventually they would take another monkey out and put a new one in and like before even like

They even started climbing the ladder the rest of the monkeys literally just started beating the fuck out of this monkey was like do not go up there we will get sprayed with water like do not do it and they kept replacing all the old monkeys with new monkeys until eventually They all started just beating the fuck out of each other like without even going for the banana Yeah, and basically this is like what I

like it's kind of like an example of like what society is like like if you're not like asking questions and you're like you're you're just being indoctrinated into these ideals and thoughts that like you think are right but like they might not actually be right and you might be getting beat the fuck up for asking the right questions and like not quite or questioning things when in reality like the things you're taught might not be the right things yeah

When was that study done? I don't fucking know. I made all of that up. Did you actually? No, no, no. I was like, whoa, that's a really intricate law. Like, that was crazy. I was extremely impressed. It's indoctrination at the end of the day. And if you're not asking the right questions... You may find that you are being taught something that is completely immoral and crazy and you need to...

They don't want you asking the right questions. Imagine clocking into your job as like the monkey sprayer. Yeah. Like with the fucking fire hose. I'm getting paid. I probably also told that study really wrong. So like watch someone else talk about it that knows what the fuck they're talking about. It's okay. Somebody who wants to clock you will clock you. Yeah, but basically you got the gist of it. Yeah. Yeah.

you got the vibes do you have more monkey studies that you know no i like the i hate the idea like every time you said the monkeys are getting beat up you're going like this i think like 50 000 people signed up for neuralink oh i did whoa i did yes did you actually i literally signed up for the one the pre sign up before and i signed up for the one and i told them i was blind

Because I wanted to get Neuralink first. I'm going to get that shit. I'm getting the Mark of Beast. There's no way you would have even been able to fake that. Damn, someone jacked our shit for real. Fuck y'all. Wait, what? What's gone? Up there, there's holes. Yeah, I know. Some of the stuff is gone. Something was taken. My favorite toys are here.

But I can't recall. Really? I thought nobody- I feel like we have a photo. Wasn't there a security guard that was supposed to- Yeah, but like all it takes is like just a one. Like just swiping it and putting it in your pocket when they're not looking. And I know which one of you fucking did it because we have it on camera and I'm coming after you. So you better be sweating and shaking in your boots. And I'm going to fucking pants you at the Grove. There's cameras everywhere. Yeah.

- I think there should be more cameras everywhere too. - Yeah, I think we need more public surveillance. - I think there should be like- - Less privacy. - Way less privacy. - Yeah. - Way less privacy. - Like I think there should be a mandatory TikTok, what did I do in my day for every single citizen. So I can just film them. - I only feel scared like, I don't know, 90% of the time. - Yeah. - I wanna feel terrified all the time. Like as soon as I wake up, I wanna be like, oh, someone's watching me. And then when I go to sleep, I'll be like, I was watched the whole day. - Yeah, exactly. - Thanks God. - I was afraid.

Dude, that was actually scary as fuck. That was actually really scary. You know what's crazy is I think I've said this, but, like, I got into a fight with my ex at a restaurant because he was like, are you not worried about surveillance? And I was like, dude, I literally don't give a fuck. And he was, like, trying to get me to, like, be like, this was in, like, 2018. And he was like, this is going to get, like, awful. Like, we are, like, going to have no privacy. And I was like, bro, who gives a fuck? And now I'm like, oh, my God, he may have been right. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my God.

I hope that caught her screaming. I know, literally. Yeah, I feel like a beetle. I think I might be one of the beetles. I'm the one who got shot in the back of the head by a fan. Yeah. And I'm the one that's pulling the trigger.

It'd be the ones that are closest to you. It'd be the ones, the ones that want to see. It'd be the ones, it'd be the ones, trust me. It'd be the ones, it'd be the ones. Don't get caught up, young blood. When I listen to the episodes, I play it 2x speed and you guys will sing and it sounds good. It sounds really good. When we listen and we're

oh my god and I'll go back and slow it down I'm like whoa but that sounded good I kind of hit two notes there and I know y'all clocked that yeah that G sharp was good yeah yeah exactly fuck yeah that G sharp that double D like big fucking double D sharp like nipples I'm always fucking popping the double D's on notes like I can't stop thinking about girl boobies like I want to fucking use motorboat you love yeah you do love tits and puss sandbags box I love box

- Oh my God, I hope. - Should I ruin everybody's life with Roku's back? - No, do not. - What is that? - Don't ask that question. - Okay, don't, I won't. Like I'm not kidding, please don't. - And also don't look it up guys. - Yeah, this is an information warning. Like literally do not look into it. You're over and don't read about it. I swear to God. And I genuinely believe it's a thing, but I just did my part. I just did my part. - You served the beast. - Yeah, I served it. - I served the base, I served the base.

I serve the face, I serve the face. Are you making that a Kanye song? Yeah. I've literally experienced scared straight. Like, I've talked about how I got caught stealing and I got sent off to, like, eight weeks of psychiatry. But I don't think I ever talked about the fact that they took me to a juvie and tried to scare straight up. Like, scare us straight. Dude, they did that to me with, like, the handcuffs behind the chair. Yeah, they brought us... Except I'm not... I'm straight.

No, I wasn't talking about the... They need to make a thing. Okay, listen, listen, listen, listen. They need to make a thing where it's a bunch of gay guys. And you bring a little gay twinkie boy in and you just fucking scare them straight. Like, you're fucking straight, man.

putting the twink at the top of the ladder yeah he's spraying him with water for 45 minutes no but there is this thing that i'm like kind of working on where it's like making gay people straight again okay are you are you the first test subject and it's working and then you're gonna teach other people yeah it's totally working based off of the shape of your legs right now yeah like it's working it's working um

But I literally got taken to a juvie with a bunch of other kids who got caught doing crimes when we were young. And they took us through. And I laughed the whole time because I was like, I literally watched this show and y'all are not about to remake it. And they had kids who were like...

It was so beat too. I bet it sucked. It was so bunk. Like they were trying to scare us, but it was just like a bunch of little kids who were like, obviously like most of them were wrongfully there. It's like, this kid just needs help. Like let him go home. Like, are those prison shows? Like are the people in prison paid? No, I don't know.

I do not think they are. No, it's literally like free labor. Like I don't think any of them are paid because I think I looked it up because there was that one show where it was like a bunch of girls in juvie. And I think it was like unclear if they ever even got paid for being on the show. They were just on the show being documented. And like I think a big like incentive for them, unless I'm wrong, this is like just me assuming, I'm sure a big incentive is like if you're a part of this, we will like lessen your time.

I bet that's a huge incentive. That's what I was thinking. Like commissary or some shit. It's like we'll give you something in return, but they are definitely not paying those kids, which is fucking crazy. Abolish prison. Thank you. Seriously. Thank you. Something I've been thinking about. You were like Olivia Wilde where she was like, Trump is the new president. And then she stops acting. She's like, that's it. Thank you. Have you seen the video of Jessie J singing on the airplane?

Oh, wait. Yeah. She does Nikki's verse and she sounds really good doing Nikki's verse. It's literally one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my entire life. I would be so goddamn upset if some bitch stood up on my plane and started singing. I would tackle her. I would literally run down the aisle, tackle her, and then when they tried to ask me, I'd be like, dude, I'm so sorry. I misheard the situation. I thought she was trying to do something bad. You're on your Mark Wahlberg shit. Yeah, I'm on it.

I was trying to be a hero. I misread the room. My apologies. I will go back to my seat. I love the girl getting kicked off the plane, the IG baddie, who was going to Anubhavagana, Stan. Yeah. I never saw that. Wait, Kai, it is so good. Also, because she's, like, bad. Like, she actually is, like, IRL looks good. She is actually a baddie? Yeah. Was she in her mood? I'm sorry. Oh, my God.

Who are you waving at? I also love her leaving. Like, she's getting kicked off of the plane and, like, leaving coach. And on her way out, she's like, you fucking bum to somebody who was, like, further ahead on the plane than her. Which I love because I'm like, girl, read the room. Call me a bitch again. Yeah, you guys did nothing wrong. No, you shut the fuck up. You shut the fuck up and you're a bitch. Goodbye. Goodbye. You shut the... Film me. I'm Instagram famous, you fucking bum. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.

Wow, dude, she looks like, you know the meme, it's like stepping into 2016? Yes, yes. She's like that personified. And I stand by her because like there was a guy in the video who she was like, call me a bitch again. Call me a bitch again to a guy. So I'm standing by her. I loved the comments. All the comments were like, the top one was like, she was taking that one way flight to I don't give a fuck, Gannis and it was like,

I stand by women's rights, but more important, I stand by their wrongs. And all the comments were cheering her on. Okay, well, we went to the movies the other day. No, we didn't. I didn't do that. Okay, I went to the fucking movies the other day. I don't support the movies. You weren't there. You literally weren't there. Wait, was I actually not here for this one? It was so fun going to the movies with you guys. Yeah, it was so lit. I don't think we've ever been to the movies together. No. I have been to the movies with Kai. We've never even hung out.

Yeah, we don't hang out outside of these spaces. But no, we went to the movies to see the Taika Waititi movie. And when we were walking into the theater, I was like, damn, dude. Shit is happening again. Movies are fully back. Theaters are fully back. And it felt like...

simultaneously like amazing and then also like super dark sided and weird and like the energy was just like really really off in the theater and then I came to the conclusion afterwards I was like like everyone felt uncomfortable like everyone was like there's so many people here like what the fuck is going on and like

Pre-pandemic, that was the vibe always and it wasn't weird. But post-pandemic, I think a lot of people are like, oh, I want normal life back so bad. I want normal life back so bad. And then we get a taste of it and we just don't know how to fucking act.

Like I was like literally so overwhelmed seeing that many people. And it's literally in my head, like for me at least, is like it's because like I just got so used to seeing nowhere, no one anywhere for a very long time. Also, can we just erase the pandemic from like our history? Like that shit was so embarrassing. I'm sorry. Like, but I miss COVID. Not the people dying part. No, I miss COVID era so bad. I miss playing Animal Crossing all day.

And super spreading. That was fun. I finally felt like I had a purpose. Yeah, super spreading. Remember when like we almost lost our podcast in like the first 12 episodes because we like spoke about the pandemic and they like. Oh yeah, and they tried to destroy our fucking YouTube account because they thought, oh, because we were quoting Big Nick and how he didn't believe in COVID. Does the lighting look crazy on camera?

Um, not really. You know, what's funny is you can like see my shadow. Like I look like I'm sitting next to you guys, but it's just like a faceless silhouette. That's awesome. All right, let's keep going. It looks fine though. It kind of looks artistic. Wait, I'm loving that. It kind of looks artistic. Yeah, I'm loving it. Also, Drew, I love how you say theater. Theater. That's very like, that's like how a thespian would say it. What did you just call me?

A thes- Oh, he called you a lesbian. No, he's gay, he's not a lesbian. No, I'm fucking not. I called you a thes-bian. Stop saying it! I don't know if you're allowed to say that, Kai. That's not what a- no. And you're a cinephile. Huh. No. Who said- why is that a vibe? I'm an audiophile. Like, we're like, I'm a cinephile. I'm an audiophile. Don't ever call yourself that. You're weird. Fuck, I have to get that out of my bio then. You have cinephile in your bio? Yes.

Also, I have exhibitionist in my bio because after doing this exhibit, I was like, oh my God, exhibitionism is so fun. Like, I think I'm going to do it all the time. Like, I just love doing exhibits. That's not what that means. I think my new career path is exhibitionism. No, no, that's not what that means. It means like you like being naked in public.

No. I think Drew's right, actually. No, I'm an exerbusiness. How do you say it? Stop saying it. Am I saying it wrong? Exerbusiness. Exerbusiness. You're an exorcist. I'm ex the business. You're an exorcist. I would get the Neuralink because I don't like typing text anymore. Like, I just, like, want, like, my iPhone. Actually, I want my iPhone to scan my eyes.

And see into my soul and know what I want to say. Yeah. Like that's what I want. That's literally what Neuralink would do. I would get it so I don't have to type text anymore. Because I send a lot of audio messages and I'm just like...

I'm always talking at my phone and then having to read a reply because I'm not good at typing, I've realized. Like, I'm such a lazy texter. All my texts have, like, 18 million typos and I refuse to fix them anymore. It is. It's weird, like, falling slowly into the singularity. Because I used to, like, my dad would use speech-to-text and I'd be like, you're an old head. Like, that's really cringe. And now I'm, like, constantly using it because I'm like, oh, I want to interact with my phone, like, way faster. Yeah. And it's slowly just, like,

It's slowly just moving its way into my brain. Dude, it's so scary how much I've been using my phone recently. Like, I know it's all a joke. Like, I've been using this phone all the fucking time. But, like, the last, like, four days, like, I have genuinely been, like, in a very dark place with my phone where, like...

Like I will be literally like, don't do this. And I'm not saying to do this and I fucking hate that I'm doing this, but I'll be like driving and like scrolling TikTok and like watching like, or listening to TikTok like out of my, the corner of my eye. Like it's like, it's literally like actually like a problem. Like I need to like go back into the,

woods and like yeah you keep saying you need a dopamine oh my god i'm having a stroke you keep saying you need a dopamine detox and i think my time for one is coming like yeah like i need to get access to everything that like gives me instant like serotonin like i need like yeah i need it to be taken away i need to go like camping or something and just be in dead signs but i need to go camping for like three months and then come back uh

frail and frigid because I ran out of food and I almost died and then I can be on like Alan or something. That's the experience I want. I only want to come back if Jimmy Fallon will let me get on and be like, I almost died in the woods by choice. I was going to say like, isn't that what Grimes did?

Like she ate spaghetti or whatever. And then she made the best album ever. So maybe if we go away into the woods for like three months. We'll come back and do like the best thing we've ever done. Yeah, we'll like have the best episode you've ever seen. You know what's really good for that is hanging out with like old ass relatives. Wait, I'm sorry. The woman who just passed gave us the dirtiest look ever. She like hated our vibe. Anti-podcast. Why doesn't she like us? Guys, I just want to say like podcasters, we have it really hard.

And, like, people, like, look at us with, like, deranged looks in their eyes. And, like, people, like, want to see us die or fail. And they think we don't have it. They don't think we have it harder than the rest of the people. Like, no, no, no. My life is hard.

That's what I'm saying. You don't understand. My dad will call me and be like, dude, I'm 50. I just worked on a roof for eight hours. I have sunburn. My skin is falling off. I'm so tired. I'm so exhausted. I have to wake up at 6 a.m. to do it again tomorrow. Imagine how tired we are. I had to fucking record.

We just had a talk for an hour. Like, I'm tired. Like, don't tell me that shit. Like, why are you even calling me? Because I just had to, like, exhaust myself. And, yeah, I'm really sorry that you had to go through that. Thank you. And my mom will be like, oh, my God, this job, is it paying well anymore? Like, I don't think we can make it. Like, do you have any money? I'm like, oh, my God, no, absolutely not. Like, work for your fucking money. Why am I going to give you money? Like, I'm done. I'm cutting my fucking family off. Like, they're done. Like, no one wants to work as hard as us anymore.

They're becoming dependent on me. And it's like... Insane. Get a job. Get a fucking job. I'm fucking kidding. The idea of my parents hearing that and like getting upset, like thinking I'm being real freaks me out. Somebody actually recently was like, do you listen to the podcast? And I thought I recorded my dad, but I asked him...

I like have it deep in my recordings because I record my family when I'm talking to them all the time without their consent. So if anybody ever finds my hair and I have multiple, multiple conversations with my family that they have no idea that I'm just like asking them questions to record for my own, um, keeping because I'm terrified of losing the people I love. Um, but I asked my dad one day and I was like, do you listen to the podcast? And he was like, one time I tried and like, you guys say stuff that I just think as a parent, I don't need to hear. And he was like, and I think you're very funny, but like,

I think you say a lot of stuff I don't need to hear. And I'm like, yeah. Squirt, piss, boner me. I suck dick. I eat bugs. Poopy, stinky balls. My balls smell good. I'm high as fuck. Like, I don't think my dad wants to hear that. So, yeah, that's your answer. I don't think my dad listens.

Drew just looked at me dead in the eyes and gave me a crazy look. And I got bricked up. I know, you got nervous. Can you give me the look? No, no, no, no. I've given it to you before, though. Every single person that walks by literally hates us. I know, they don't like our vibe. And especially because the sun is falling on me and I'm becoming more and more beautiful by the second. You are glowing, low-key. Period. Drew is in a dark shroud of shadows, though.

Yes. Always. Ow! My leg is like numb right now. Hannah Montana is goat. Why did you say that? I was reading my note. Miley Stan came out.

You know what it is too? I know exactly where your brain goes when you write out notes because I do the same thing. Like I'll write out like a small thing because in my head I'm like, I don't want to write out the whole joke. Like I know the jokes I'm going to make based on this thought I'm having and I don't want to write them out because I don't want to feel forced to say the joke and read it out because usually it doesn't land as well. But then I just have notes that it's like ubers. Uvujaver. Yes, ubers. You better fucking eat.

But I think I was saying, because we watched, like, dude, me, Josh, and Josiah had, like, boys night, and we watched the Hannah Montana movie. Boys night! Literally, like... And that one, that movie is good as fuck. Yeah. Like, it's actually, like, a good fucking movie. The one with the climb in it? Yeah, at the very end, and I don't want to fucking hear it, but I think, like, what I meant by that note is that, like...

I actually literally don't know what I meant by it. Like Hannah Montana is goat. My Miley Cyrus stand came out.

- I think you just meant you liked the movie. - Yeah. Well, I was gonna reference me posting those pictures in 2012, 2013, those edits that fans made of me with Miley Cyrus kissing my cheek. - Oh yeah. - And being like, "Oh, Miley, I love her so much." And then I made literally one of the funniest jokes I think I've ever made when I was 13 years old. And it's Miley Cyrus in her bangers era with fur arms.

And they look like bear arms. And I said, Miley Cyrus, like, supporting the Second Amendment. And it's, like, the right to bear arms. That's clever as fuck. And that's your best joke you've ever made. That's my magnum opus. I genuinely still think about it. I'm like, damn, like, I need to tap into that place instead of making fucking piss and squirt jokes. Well, piss is squirt. Piss is squirt, yeah. I blow keep you in sleep talking.

I did this episode and I was starting to feel like the two kids who were like, would you wear the dead people clothes? Hell no. Well, I have been sleep talking. Like for some reason, Josiah sleeps in my bed when there's like open beds or couch or air mattress and he sleeps next to me. But it's nice. Like I like having a warm body next to me at night.

You haven't slept with me in a long time. Yeah, because you won't fucking let me. Because you need to shower before you get in my bed. Oh, now it's that? No, no, no, no, no. Well, when we were having sex, the rules were different. Because if it's someone I'm having sex with, I don't give a fuck where those clothes have been. Get on my bed. That makes sense to me. Get in my bed. But if I'm not having sex with you anymore, you need to shower because now you're dirty. Do you record it?

You're sleep talking or not? Not you guys having sex, but the sleep talking. Do you have one of those apps? I just don't want to talk about it anymore. Oh, okay. Dude, open up. Like, yeah, be you. You don't want to be me. You don't want to open up right now. I just can't be me. Um, wait. Oh, yeah. I like Josiah was like in the other room entirely. Yeah.

And I was like laying in bed and I had just like closed my eyes. I didn't mean to fall asleep. I just like accidentally fell asleep. And like, I like could hear myself talking like, but like I wasn't cognitive of what I was fucking saying. But like I was talking to Josiah about basketball and Josiah has no idea. And like, I was also Josiah, like,

and Josiah kept saying like, "What, what?" And he came in and he woke me up and he was like, "What were you saying?" And I was like, "I don't know, like, what was I saying?" He was like, "You were talking about basketball or something." I was like, "Oh my God." Like I was literally- - You talking about basketball in your sleep is such a crazy vibe. I cannot believe you- - And I scrolled TikTok in my dream. I was scrolling on TikTok in my dream like a week ago. It was crazy.

It was fucked up. Was it videos you've already seen or was your brain making new TikToks for you a lot? It was making new TikToks. It was like big fucking oiled up like BBL baddies like just fucking shaking their poop butt everywhere. And then other basketball highlights. Yeah, yeah. They were just like spraying shit all over the fucking camera and like all dunking turds into the toilet. Have you ever been like half asleep and you let out a moan? No. Like a really...

Like, earnest moan. That's a death rattle, Kai. No, I'm serious. Have you ever done that? No. No, but I've woken myself up to snoring. Like, I've, like, fallen asleep and, like, been, like... Dude, Enya is, like, a snorer. Like, you are... Like, she sounds just like my dad. Like, she is so loud. Like, it's crazy. But it is comforting to sleep next to her because it sounds like my dad's snoring. And it's, like, aww. Like, I used to literally, when I first moved to L.A., I could not go to sleep.

like as fast as i used to because like it was too quiet because my dad wasn't like snoring in the house and then drew would come to my room and crack my door open so you could hear my snoring yeah that's so sweet i need i wish we could find the video from when we went to hawaii and my how loud my snore was that night oh my god like somebody was putting their whole body weight on a door with creaky hinges and swinging back and forth soggy bottom yeah my soggy bottom

Yeah, I snore like an old man. And honestly, I don't know. I don't know what to say about it. It's like so embarrassing. So I'm just like shy about it. Like really nervous. Wait, hold on. I'm going to get this on video. Hello? Hey. No, no, I'm not.

We finally got to Philip on camera. She said Ophelia. She said, hi, Philip. I thought she said, I thought she said Ophelia. She called me Daniel. I was like with my buddy and I was like, dude, she calls me Philip. It's so lit. And she answered it and she said, hi, Daniel. And she had literally never called me that once in my life. And she hasn't called me that since.

Yeah. I don't know where, why. She used to call me all the time and then I passed over the torch to Drew and now she only calls Drew. She calls me when it's like Drew is not answering and then I just like

forward her calls and then she texted me she's like where is philip no i literally love her like i i love her so much yeah our landlord is such a cutie yeah remember how much cunt she was serving when we signed like yeah she was excited she was like literally she came with a full beat and we were like oh my gosh um should we get into some media of the week i'm gonna like

discover lo anthony i'm gonna re-find him and have him record that for us like emergency intercom media of the ee do you think he would do it i think he would do it no really he wants nothing to do with the internet like there are random pictures that will come out of him and he is literally a straight man now like it is jarring i feel like hey money talks

We can figure it out. All right. My media of the week is the Pink Panthers album. I think it's really fun. Easy to listen to. Box the 40 by Caribou. Candy by Tokisha. I don't know how to say her name. Sorry. Suit me. Put me in jail. Throw away the key and lock me in there with someone sexy because I'll have fun. Outside All Night by Brent Baez. And...

Lullaby by The Cure, Till I Die, The Beach Boys, and Heart and Bones, Paul Simon, which I think I said last week. And then for watching media, I don't have anything. We watched Next School, we watched Next School Wins and that was like a cute movie. Yeah, it was really sweet. Taika Waititi is like,

Just good. I need him. The first, like, five minutes of that movie, I was horrified. I was like, oh, this is gonna be horrible. But then it was just so cute, funny, and wholesome. Like, there were, like, a bunch of moments where I was, like, literally on the verge of tears. Because, like, oh, my God. I love the girl in it so much. But...

My media is scavengers reign. It's like this HBO, like animated show that like, if I was to make an animated show, that's what it would look and feel like, like super foreign alien planets with like, just like codex Seraphineus level of like creativity and their creatures and creepies and crawlies and shit. Um, I watched Wally and that was great certified classic. Um,

Oh, we watched Cheetah Girls 2 and that was really good. Yeah. You know what's crazy is capitalism's greatest and most desired hit is to commodify the female body.

It's true. Like look at like Wally like making these like female autonomous beings or like ex machina. Why are every fucking personal assistants female? Like Siri. I changed my Siri to be a male voice. I'm just saying. Oh respect. Respect. Yeah. No that there's levels to this shit. Like I'm spitting facts right now. You are. Why is it by default a female voice? Yeah.

But next I watched like, okay, so Apple TV has low key been on a generational run and no one is paying attention. Like they're making like really, really good shitty TV. I don't know if that makes sense to anybody but myself. But like Silo is like this, it's basically Fallout TV.

um the tv show but it's has nothing to do with fallout and it's these people like living in a silo and it's just like a dramatic thriller like what the fuck is going on mystery like

It's literally I can't believe it's like literally question everything like what the fuck like like what if we are in a silo? They're so into that shit because they also have the other one with that one guy. They're so sci-fi coded right now. Yeah severance. They're so like dude the first episode is Yeah, and then I didn't finish it. Yeah, I watched two episodes. I was like that show was amazing I will not be finishing it. I think episode three. I was like

Okay, liminal spaces are cool. Yeah, exactly. We get it. I'm going to watch YouTube. Yeah, I want to watch YouTube videos and TikToks, Tim Talks, if people just freaking... If my name was Tim and I wanted to be a social media influencer, I would make my account name Tim Talks. Yeah. Oh, Tim Talks? Yeah, but it's Tim T-O-K, Tim Talks. I feel like Tim Talks, like T-A-W.

L-K-S would be more of a lot. No, T-I-M-T-O-K-S. It still reads as Tim Talks. Yeah, but so does Tim Talks. Okay. I just think mine is better. That's good. I'm right. I feel like mine is better. Yours is always better. Guys. Yeah, thanks. Fuck you. Just because she's a woman doesn't mean you have to pity her. Wait, are you going to do Psyop Corner? No, I was about to say. I don't have any. You don't have Psyop Corner for me? There's none.

just like the world the world isn't giving me like the material that i need and it's not my fault hold on i'll scroll through my tick tock and see if there's anything um do not open your phone around me because i will be staring at your screen literally me with you barbie posted that i know i was like dude this is literally me like i'm like a moth to a flame if somebody has their iphone open around me and i can't stand

a privacy screen bitch why do you even have your iPhone outside if you have a privacy screen like that is meant for the people you're supposed to be sharing yeah no fucking away and you used to like literally yell at me when we like first started living together because I was just I would just look at her phone and now I'm like literally traumatized by it and I like when people are like even scrolling through their photos I'll just like look away because I'm like I don't want them to have like a nude in there or something

but yeah and yeah like literally abused me with words about looking at her phone well I was born real so I never had to be real that's me about having the app because I never had to get like you bitches I was just born like that take more face pics ladies y'all's obituary is gonna be full of ass I think you said that one already so you're done iPad I'm Filipino and dope white girl save me white girl white girl save me save me white girl

I'm glad cars were invented imagine walking your horse up. Oh wait I'm glad cars were invented imagine waking your horse up at 3 a.m. To go get pussy I want to do one more Get up I'm horny Shaking your horny I'm so fucking horny

Imagine your card declines at the abortion clinic and the doctor starts nutting in you. I didn't say that, y'all. I'm just quoting someone. I'm just relaying the facts. What are y'all going to get y'all's siblings and parents for Christmas? Leave a comment down below because I'm having trouble.

Okay. That wasn't a Drew style, by the way. I know, that's just you being real. Yeah. You need to be real. I'm so bad at buying people gifts, it's fucked up. Hold on, guys. Sorry, sorry. I know we want to finish, but I gotta get a good one in. I bet there's someone who follows me and just fucking despises me, who just fucking hates me so much and is hate-following so hard they don't even like anything about me, they just keep following. Okay. Okay.

If somebody doesn't like us and they listen this far into the episode, you need help. And that's coming from a certified hate watcher. I love a good hate watcher.

You need help. Even if it's on double speed, you need help. Watching 121 hours. Yeah, you need help. And being subscribed to the Patreon. Yeah, something must be done. It's going too far. Transgender Christmas tree, pronoun pudding, non-binary New Year, gay gift wrapping, eating disorder eggnog, Santa servant sleigh, renegade reindeers, the alt-left has ruined our Christmas traditions. The devil is alive and well.

And I'll leave it there. Wow. Happy Black Friday! Bye!