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Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.

if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon, spend less, smile more.

What do you think the drop off rate for the episode is? 90% And you know what's crazy? Thank you for that because this morning I woke up and I said I hope I laugh today because I haven't been laughing recently and you made me laugh So thank you You'll spend like a single day alone all day and then be like

I just don't... I don't have laughter in my life. I don't laugh anymore. I don't think I've laughed in a year. Truly. Truly. Okay, but seriously, before we start this episode, I want to say this to you guys, but especially to True. Give me your hand. Happy Pride. I love you so much. Don't fucking play with me. Oh my God. Don't fucking play with me. Oh my God, I was... I didn't even say anything else. I just said fucking Happy Pride.

- All right, we're back y'all. - Sorry guys, I had to go to the ER but-- - And you got a couple suitors. - You know what's crazy is last time I went to the ER is when our apartment, the incident happened at the apartment. - Which one? - You were in a neck brace, Kai was all touted up. - Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. - The last episode we did at the apartment, that was the last time I went to the ER and they said the same thing this time. They were like, "Thank God you're straight so you're fine and you're amazing." That's all they said.

That was weird. Can you give me the name of that hospital? No, I think they're really good at what they do. I'm suing them. Why? For being truthful? For being hateful. For being a hateful hospital. She went to the Westboro Baptist Hospital. Oh, wait. I love that place. Oh, wait. I love that church. I love that church. Well...

With that being the start of the episode, I love this back and forth that's unraveling between us and Trisha, where it's like every other week we're just talking about each other lightly. I haven't even seen this clip yet. Okay, I'm going to play it for Drew. He hasn't seen it. I woke up and I had a text that said, Trisha talked about us, so I immediately went and my nosy ass was checking, and this is what she had to say. We were a part of her maternity obsession. I don't know if that's my obsession. Definitely not.

I was watching it. We're just intercom because I saw any Andrew they were talking. I didn't know. Did you check your DMS from Drew? No. Oh, he talked about he said if Trisha ever looks at my DMS for Yes, I don't think he did. I think I checked. I

checked. I don't think he did. I think it was maybe I don't know. Because for Ted me, I feel like after a while they expire because I definitely have DMs had a few times and the only one that was in there was one. Yeah, I only saw one from him. Oh my god, that's so iconic. So I saw them talking about they were so nice because I truly didn't know when we talked we talked about the shirt that I told you shirt from challengers and then how the ceiling fell on them. I don't know who they are. But they were like so nice because like so many people get offended if I say like, look, there's 5 million podcasts out there. I'm sure most people don't a lot of people don't know who I am. I mean, a lot of people do but a lot of people

A lot of people probably don't know who I am too and I would never be like, "Oh my God, I can't believe they don't know who I am." Like just people just don't know. So they were super nice about it because like I didn't know who they were and you enlightened me and I was like, "Okay, I love them. They're great. That sounds iconic." And they were really nice. They were like, "Oh yeah, like it was cool. She mentioned us or whatever." So then I was like, "Let me watch emergency intercom." And then I started watching it and I actually really loved both of them.

And I was like, shout out to them. And I love their podcast. I love that their podcast is like not boring. Like so many podcasts, like couples podcast. I don't know. I get bored of them after a while. I've been watching pretty basic unfiltered, whatever that one is. I've been watching that, but I'm ready to get it comes funny. Like they're funny. They have a good, like they're not in a relationship, right? I don't believe so. Is he gay?

No. We don't know. It is Pride Month. She has such good results. Is he gay? I think. We don't know. It's Pride Month. She said we don't need to speculate and it's Pride Month.

No, that is so fucking sick. I know. Are you kidding me? I'm like realizing that I think I have like a weirdly like not parasocial because I'm not like she's not somebody who I'm like feel like I'm friends with. But you know how there are certain celebrities who we always talk about. Like it takes so much for me to be like, oh my God, I can't believe this person. But the smile on my face watching that this morning, I was like, this is a bit jarring how happy this is. It literally felt like when I saw Beyonce in concert for the first time.

like i'm not kidding like the way i was like welling up and i was just like wait i did not know i love this person that yeah that's how it felt her mentioning us she's so like mother goose like she has like maternal vibes yeah also congrats on the birth of elvis shout out elvis which is a really cute girl name yeah um but yeah i mean so i'm not the only buddy uh person who uh

- I'm not the only buddy. I'm not the only person who-- - I'm not the only buddy in here. What does that mean? - I'm not the only person who associates you with pride and I don't think you're gonna smash a vase on Trisha's head. So it's just like, you know, you're your partner. - Oh Trisha, come into my studio and if you say anything, anything, you're getting a bottle next. Like I don't fucking play. - We need to give Malibu a breakaway bottle and let her break it on her head. - Damn, well that was fucking sick and a great way to start this episode because that's so mother boo, some other boots.

She tore. Right. Right. Well, spiders have been attacking me in my bed. And you finally saw it. She thought I was like fucking tripping. But like, no, I swear to God. That's what you get for being one of those annoying bitches who's like their only crime is being small. Well, no, I was like that. I genuinely was like, damn, their only crime is being small. Like if a spider is in my room, I won't kill it because I'm like, you deserve to live and you're protecting me and your spirits are nice. Yeah.

But y'all, they've like started like attacking me in my bed. And I think I talked about it on a past episode, but like I will see them like crawling on my window seal by my bed and they'll run across and then disappear. And I'm just like, whatever, like crawling in my ear and my mouth and my sleep. Like I literally don't give a fuck. Like it's not that deep. Like spiders are empty calories anyways. Like what the fuck? Um,

But like this fucking spider was like attacking me in my bed. Like I was going to let it live and it ran at me like really fucking fast. So I smashed it with a book and then I told India about it and she was like, girl, shut the fuck up. And I was like, no, literally they're a spider. Like they're all attacking me. They're coming for me. Like it's crazy. It is actually insane. Like being like the type of person that I am, like a very empathetic person that like gets used a lot. What the fuck does this have to do with spiders?

spider i just get used and abused and thrown out to the curb um but that was a random tangent but anyways

this fucking spider and it was in my room and we were just chilling and i pointed it out and they're all the same fucking size which is really creepy like they're all and i'm starting to think it might be the same spider over and over again and they just survive i don't fucking or you might find that those spiders grow to that size and that's their adult and then they start attacking me they all deserve their job that's what i'm saying that's what i'm saying is like you are always like oh protect bugs but no they're

Whole goal is to bite you no literally it was like actually so scary and you saw it and you had to kill him for me because I felt really bad about killing him I didn't I smushed the fuck out of that into my bed sheets left a blood stain on my bed like it was nasty and then you know what I did every spider that I kill now in my bed in or around my bed I put them on the window seal that they come from and I just have them laying there one by one just gonna start eating them

Literally, it's going to be like air dried, like fucking beat jerky. Crispy. It's like freeze dried spiders. No, but I put them there as a warning sign. I'm like, look, if you come near me, I will kill you. And like now they have, it's like the stand your ground law in Florida. Like don't enter my fucking space because I'll smush your ass like fucking immediately. But yeah, I've just been like attacked by spiders. And then I found out that like putting bugs outside like is actually deadly to them because they're acclimated. You're like evicting them.

from them yeah I'm like literally destroying their lives and killing them immediately but so this is a message to all the spiders out there um don't fucking play with me like literally don't fucking play do you like think we have like there's a few spider listeners like for sure can I get the Tom Hollenberger hold the spiders um

Can I get the h2o burger with the mermaid tail sauce well the other day in the car with drew he said something and I was like I'm not kidding if you did meth I genuinely think you would solve a lot of problems like we made some Matthew all that it like a lot of some math y'all like No, seriously get me meth. Okay. No, and now you're like too eager at first you were like, you know No, I would never and now it seems like you've been thinking about it. I just know I

Can we move on? Well, also, I have so many. All of my notes are about Drew right now because all we've been doing is laying in his bed and hanging out. And when we were sitting in his bed watching TikToks the other night, he got one of those. Drew doesn't let me go through his drafts because now I know it's full of shit like this. First of all, he got one of those TikToks that I was like, your career is about to take off in a magnificent way. And he used the sound and posted it on private.

And then there was another TikTok that it was like, it was like a money spread TikTok. And he was like, claim. I just, I'm looking at my phone. I hear claim, claim, claim. I'm claiming this energy. I'm claiming this energy. Claim, claim, claim. Claiming, manifesting, manifesting, claiming, claiming this energy. Manifesting this. I claim, I claim, I claim. I claim, I claim. Only the good parts, only the good parts.

And he literally has been doing that. And he also... Oh, wait. You went to a psychic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I need to know about this. We need to finish this. So...

If you go through my private, because they always say like, use this sound. It can be private. So I put it on private and I just use it like in the darkness with a, like showing my face and I have the sound and I upload it and it's a fucking vibe. But the ones that pissed me off the fucking most is when it's like your mother will die in six hours if you don't use this sound. So I just started clicking, not interested on it, but I used to like scroll by really quick. Like I didn't see it. I don't believe in it, but I do catch myself scrolling by really quick.

It's like new chain mail. If I don't finish it, it doesn't count on me. Do you remember the chain mail, like Carmen Winstead shit? That's like the modern day version of that. And they're all just like view and interaction farming and it fucking works, bro. It's so annoying that like that's the new era of it because it felt so much more real when you were getting a text like that sent directly to your phone. That was so jarring. Like getting a text, I was like, if you don't send this to 20 people, your best friend is going to die in their sleep. I genuinely- I would not be sending that to 20 people.

Like not even close. Not even one person would get that. If it meant my best friend is dying, like I'm letting that bitch die. I'm right here. Are you talking about me? Yes. Oh. Well, if there was a text that was... The sexy guy in your life, if you don't send 20 messages, the sexy guy will die. Of course it would be me. No, I think there's other people who could take that category. Kai? No. No.

- Wait, what? - Actually, now that I said that, I can't think of a single man in my life who I would ever describe as sexy. - Is there a sexy girl in your life? - Oh yeah, there's like plenty of sexy girls. - Maybe this month is for you too, babe. - No.

That doesn't even sound right. See how that doesn't even sound right? When I say it to you, something about that rings true. When you say it about me, it's like... That doesn't even sound right. It's like the manifesting, so it's like, okay. You think you're going to trick me? I need to know about the sidekick, and you need to do it now, because also now I'm thinking about the audio message you sent me last night. This is just the Drew episode, because you've just been such a funny person this week, and usually you're really like...

sad and boring and awful to be around. And like, I have to like make sure I separate from him. Um, but this week you were on like an okay one. Okay. Damn. Uh, Drew Phillips catching, catching strays episode.

Drew Phillips being skinny episode. Wait, when's that? Right fucking now, babe. Wait, do we have that kind of technology? No, no, no, no. Wait, I just laughed. I literally just laughed, y'all. Holy fuck. Holy shit. We broke the curse. Okay, so...

I've been getting callings recently from like the beyond and it started with, it started with hallucinogens. And I said this last time, like every like five years, like I get a calling to like try one, probably not in the headspace to do that right now. Of course not. Um,

But when I was 16, it felt very real. Also, I think the calling is called boredom, but yes. No, the calling is called addiction. No, every five years I would get a calling and then I would do it and then it would shift my reality and fuck me up for four years and completely melt my fucking brain. Well, I got a calling from a sidekick recently. Like,

I just like I felt the need to go and I had never been before and I was like fuck dude There's one like right up the street. Have you never even had your like tarot cards read? No, no, or maybe maybe at yeah at the when I was at My best friend Bella's event. She had like a tarot card reader. Yeah, like me and Bella Hadid like we're really close and she like had tarot card reading like she's like basically my best friend and like

Oh, you mean the event I was invited to and I put you down on the list? And then you didn't go. And then we just had like a night out on the town. That's my girl, y'all. I actually, that was like one of those moments I had FOMO because it sounded like all of our friends were together. Yeah.

It was really fun. Now that I remember, I had a way better night because my friends are evil and they make me feel awful. I was going to say it really was potentially the greatest night of my life. And I feel like it would have been the greatest night of your life if you were there. Just like the vibes were there. The drinks were flowing. I'm just like not believing it because you're like not happy. Like the party bus location, next location, next club, next club. Like it was a movie. It was a fucking movie. But what the fuck? Oh, oh, oh.

i decided i was like oh i want to go to a sidekick really really fucking badly i've never been also he was trying to convince me to go with him for like two hours straight he was like what are you doing and i was like i need to go eat and he was like wait but we should go to a sidekick that sounds fun and i was like i don't want to go and then he's like no but what if you like oh they're gonna say something so good and i was like no yeah i was like let's fucking go like come on like let's turn up and i was like

There was one right after shoot from my house that I've seen for the last five years and then I finally called them They didn't answer my call the first time I called and that this was like after I was begging y'all to go and then I called them back and then they were like, oh no, no This was before because I already had my time slot But then I called him back and they answered and it was so spooky ooky vibe She was like very mystical feeling and I was like fuck like this is very like authentic Like this is about to be a vibe. It's right up the street from her house like in a regular ass home and

So I make the appointment for an hour later, get there, pull up. Yeah, that's the crazy part. You didn't go to one that's like in an office space or like a storefront space. This is one that we've passed forever and it's a house. It's like a house on the side of the road with a big sign. Yeah. And I like pull up and immediately I have like a

Gnarly gut feeling i'm like, oh something bad is like genuinely about to happen Like I was literally like oh i'm gonna be kidnapped But then I remembered i'm a 16 year old boy that looks like a 26 year old man So I was like they're not gonna fucking kidnap me like what the fuck like I look older than I actually am y'all. Um, I don't get carded for alcohol anymore Um, but i'm only 16 so Okay

But anyways, I pull up. I go through the front door. It's really fucking creepy vibes. And I walk into literally anybody who comes into our apartment. I go up the front door. It's really creepy. Like bad feng shui, bad feng shui. I open the front door and I am greeted with just a family home with like a child and

and a man running around, like chasing after their daughter, like wrangling her to get her out of like the living room. And then there was like this shitty little desk in the corner. We sit at the desk and she's like, "How do you wanna do this? What do you want?" And I was just like, "I just want my past, present and future. Like, I don't know if there's anything you can do for that." And she was like, "Yeah."

And then she like listed all the prices out. And then I was like, oh, fuck. Like this shit is expensive. Like, no, I'll get to that. I paid $100 for 30 minutes. Let's just start that. Okay. First of all, you should have just gone to fucking therapy. I know. Literally. Read me to fucking filth in the comments because I know that is fucking ridiculous. But I was just like, I'm already there. Like, I'm going to talk about it on the podcast. It's going to be funny. Yeah. I guess. How do you get there and be like...

Oh, wow. And then leave her house? No, literally. Literally. I guess any real adult who has, like, normal brain capacity probably would have done that. Any dignity. But anyway, she starts the reading. And I could immediately tell this is, like, so phony. And she's not, like, a real psychic. Like,

I do believe that like there are people that are mediums but like it is funny that every single famous medium is a white woman in her late 40s bored as fuck housewife like I'm sorry I'm sorry like look at all every single one of them on Yelp was a white woman and I was like okay like this cannot be this this is not the tea but anyways I'm

I pull up, I sit down and I immediately am like, fuck dude, like what did I get myself into? Cause I am like already crying, laughing at the shit she's saying. And I'm like, damn dude, like I have to like get out of this. And then anyways, long story short or long story even longer. Cause it's already been a long story. Um,

she starts reading my cards and like she starts saying like the funniest shit ever and I wasn't voice memo recording in the beginning because I just forgot and then 10 minutes in she called me a very very weak person she said I am a very very weak minded leader also I gave her a fake name and a fake birthday and all this shit because I wanted to see if she was authentic she called me a very weak person and so I started screen recording and

And she like went on to just berate me for being like a terrible, terrible person. She was like, you are a bad person. Like you are weak. There's nothing you can do to fix it. And I kept asking her like through tears of laughter. I was like, how do I fix this? How do I fix this? And she's like, we'll get to that. We'll get to that. And basically it was like. She was just trying to extend past 30 minutes. So she'd be like, okay, the time is up. Well, no, I was supposed to have an hour, but she ended it at 30 minutes because she got mad at me.

But anyways, because I was I mean, I was literally crying, laughing, dude, like I could not. And like I was like acting like I was crying. I just spit everywhere. You just spit so much. It's all over the mic. I just spit everywhere. But I was like crying, laughing because I was like, holy shit, this is so funny. But I was like trying to act like I was crying. But then she started saying that I was crying.

Surrounded by evil and like I'm gonna try to find it in the voice memo No, that's all I could think about was like literally y'all You need someone to be able to tell you exactly what are these type of things I need to be able to do in my life What are these things I need to be able to achieve in? Because there is no protection around you surprisingly. There is not because it's where are you currently working?

I lie. Yup. Kyan and Nya. I don't fuck with y'all.

Inya. Negative energy. Spirits that are trying to attack me. Meanwhile, I'm crying. Because of the jealousy. The jealousy. I'm sorry. Because of the jealousy. The jealousy. And for that reason, you need to have a lot of protection around you so that there's no jealous or interference with inside of your life, with inside of your business.

Did she give you any advice? No. Yes, but that leads me to the next part. Basically, she started saying that since birth, my mother passed on evil energy to me. She was like, how's your relationship with your mom? I was like, oh, it's fantastic. She was like...

Oh, well, like she held on to like a lot of evil sinister energy and she passed that on to you Basically saying that this is all my mom's fault that like I have evil spirits attached to me And you better count your no literally literally like fuck you mom. That's what I was I Called her yesterday and then missed her call back and then called her on the way here And that's what I need to talk to her about. Um, and then

I realized at the end of it, I was like, oh, I know what she's doing. And so I caught on and it was basically her like trying to upsell me on all of this other shit that she can do. She was saying that like, I'm weak. I have evil spirits like attacking me. There's jealous people in my life. And the only way to get rid of them is to come back to me or stay after today and get like a chakra cleansing, a cleansing, a meditation session, like all this shit. And she was just like,

When I told her, I was like, no, I have to be somewhere after this. Her vibe completely shifted. And then I was like, oh fuck, she really is phony. And this is all a ploy to get me to join her church. She kept talking. Then I started looking around and I was like, oh wow, there is like a lot of Jesus memorabilia around for like a sidekick. Like that's really interesting. And then she went on this long tangent about how like I need to find God in Jesus, the holy power and that like,

That's the only way they can save you along with my cleansing and chakra cleansing. And she was like, I don't do any voodoo. I don't do any like hexing. I don't do none of that shit. Like it's literally just like the power of God. And she was like, you should come with me at some point, like to my church. And like,

At first I was like, oh, is this like a cult or something? But wait, should I go as undercover? Yes. She does the same. Yes. And yeah, I go in and she's like, you're amazing. You're surrounded by love except one evil entity that's living in your home with you. And then she's like, oh, my God. And you're no, she's like, your cat loves you. But there's just something. Oh, it's you.

And she was like, and that person's very weak. Well, this evil entity will burn down your fucking house with a zoo inside. And I won't be there. And blow up your fucking car. Yeah.

So you can't leave. But now I need to go back this week and we need to start an investigation and start like... Well, that was the thing at the end of it when I said no to all her add-ons, but I was like, I want to bring my friends. Like, I want them to come. And then she lit up again and she was like, yeah, bring all your friends, bring everybody, bring all the good vibes, bring all your friends. Like, please, please, please bring them. Okay, her saying bring all the good vibes, girl, you just told me all my friends were fucking evil. No, literally. Like, have those evil thoughts because the evil is trying to attack you mentally. Yeah.

Sorry, I'm... This is crazy. You've been going to sleep at night with tears in your eyes. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm not, like, laughing. It's just crazy. No, no. It's okay. You're, like, reading me to filth right now. You're like,

The voice is shaking. Yeah, I'm also seeing my loved ones around me literally burning alive constantly or getting...

executed. Are these loved ones passed on? Or did they pass or are they here? They're still here. They're here with us. Okay. Okay. I have had a dream about a loved one that passed on that was a zombie. But it was scary. Oh my gosh, my dear. You know what that means? That means that there is something that's really trying to attack you. There is a

There is an evil spirit that is connected to you, that is trying to be able to get into your mind and control you and manipulate you. You are very easy to manipulate. That is true. I know that.

It's trying to control you and manipulate you. Manipulate you. But yeah, that shit was killing me. And then I left and I was like, fuck. You'd be like, sorry, I'm not laughing at you. It's just, this is a lot. Although you say to this random woman in the most serious sound like, yeah, I'm so sorry. You're just like reading me to filth right now. And then she went on this long tangent because I forgot like how we got there, but she was talking about like...

how like someone came into her house and put her fish in the garbage disposal and turned it on and I was like girl oh I brought up how you killed my bug let me find it let me find it wait Drew how did you pay her Venmo okay so she saw your real name but I paid her after the reading and it was it was crazy she like literally I could have walked out of there without paying her like she she wanted me out like her tone shifted in the craziest way true my dear

Sorry. Okay, starts at 1040. Yeah.

Within your future my dear. I'm gonna be honest with you. I don't see children in your future. Yeah, the fuck does she mean by that? I know literally like that was evil. I don't see children maybe like fur babies. You know what I mean? Like animals and stuff. Yeah. Do you have any animals?

Not currently, no. I wish you when she said that, you were like, I'm actually engaged to the love of my life right now and she's expecting. Yeah, literally. And then she probably would have went further and been like, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there's a miscarriage coming. Yeah, literally. She would have said some evil shit. She would have definitely doubled down.

And I think she accidentally, like...

Spray vinegar in there. Oh my god. You wanna hear something terrible? So I had someone come over to my house and clean the fish tank.

They got... They put the fish down the garbage disposal and turned it on. Why? I don't know. I still don't know to this day. That is horrifying. Yeah. What fish did you have? Your special interest coming up here. I thought she was going to say... Like a reef tank. I thought she was going to say a reef tank and she was like, it was a fucking betta fish. And I was like, girl, like you were probably abusing that fucking fish anyways. Like they need tanks, but...

Yeah, so I went to a psychiatrist and she told me. Oh, yeah. You need to go to a psychiatrist. I do. I do. No, I went to a psychiatrist. She told me that I'm. Fuck, I said it again. Bitch, y'all just heard the fucking story. I'm not like wrapping it up. That's so awesome. I need to go now. I really need to go. You should.

I'm glad we didn't go together. Because if I saw you cracking up, I think I would have started laughing and she literally would have kicked us out of her house. I know. It was crazy. And seeing...

her it was funny because do you think it'll be too suspicious if i go like today or tomorrow no you should go you should definitely it would not be suspicious at all did you like look at her yelp did she have no i just called the sign because i felt like a calling from like beyond okay me when i see an ad and i feel a calling like no i said that to her and she was like how did you find out about us and i was like

The big sign. Literally the biggest sign on a front yard on a really busy main street. I want to see if you can hear her tone change. Yeah. I buy that. He was a good person. Mm-hmm. I'd weigh the process. I don't want to talk. I do want to... Thank you. No problem, my dear. If you have any further questions, please let me know. Okay? Yeah. I don't have any other questions. Okay. Sounds good. Um...

So bring back your friends, bring back whoever you can, you know what I mean? Whoever wants to be able to get a reading done. Yeah, you can't really tell, but she got fucking pissed and she like stopped talking. And so it was like me trying to fill the void, like the awkwardness. And I was like, damn, she's good at like, because I was almost like, sure, I'll just fucking do it just to like make her like me. But like, no.

I was like, I'm not doing all that. Well, I'm glad I didn't go. See, like, you think you have good intuition, but I have good intuition. I was like, I just don't think that's for me. But you should go. Yeah, I mean, the one time I got a tarot card reading, it was real. I'm honestly thinking about going. She did, like, the one time I got one, was at a random ass, like, milk makeup event in 2019. And she read my cards, and I'm not kidding, everything she said that was going to happen, fully happened.

like and then the other time that happened was when we were all obsessed with the pattern app in like early 2019 and everything that it was or late 2018 or something and everything that it was saying was happening was fully happening but also I'm a crazy person you can't tell me things because then I just make them happen no literally it's gonna happen anyway I might as well make it happen um well I've

After Drew had that, he had a really scary experience again. I don't even know what you're... This is literally just the Drew episode. I just want to let you know I made it to my destination of hell. As you can hear in the background, the eternal screams of the damned. I'm actually going back to heaven now. Well, God pardoned me, I guess. This is lit. All right, well, it's an audio message from heaven.

I guess I already am, but you know what I mean. After I get settled in and meet everybody. There's Jesus.

I made to my destination hell as you can hear the eternal screams of the damned What's crazy is the reason I sent that audio message was because the I sent an audio message from bed to in ya like right before that and I had a bat I sent it from my laptop and I had a basketball video playing in the background and it literally sounded like I was Like the fuck did you go to a game so I unlocked a new I unlocked a new bit basically and

And it's to play a YouTube video in the background with some sound effects and then voice memo record off your laptop and it plays through the audio message. Like it keeps it perfectly balanced. Yeah, exactly. The volume. The volume.

I need a Valium. No, you don't. Yeah. No, they... The evil around you is all the people trying to help you avoid things like this. That's why she's like, they're evil. Don't listen to them. They're evil. I forgot about this. She was like, are you taking any medication right now? And I was like, no. And she was like, good. Like, you will become a pill popper if you take antidepressant medication. That's something I didn't record. And she went on this long tangent about...

about how people that take like depression medication are pill poppers and it's evil and sinister. And I was like, holy fuck, she's crazy. Like she literally, like if I was someone who like actually was like mentally unwell and like went there and decided to stop. - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

No, you gotta put your foot on the... Fuck me. Oh, the pictures of my jeans. You're serving a gender reveal right now. Hey! Oh, yeah. Drew in his stinky jeans. Bro, something is wrong with Drew's legs because any... I used to think it was just his other pants, but these pants make his legs look funky, too. I'll insert it.

Oh, my God. But yeah, we went to Texas for Drew's sister's wedding. I was a fucking hit. Everybody was obsessed with me. Everybody was so sad when I was leaving. No, they literally were. They were like, why doesn't she stay another day? Like, she can just stay another day. I'm wanted. You're lucky that you're loved and wanted because it doesn't feel like I am by my own family. I am like the black sheep. I like go in and everybody's like, who is he? He changed. Yeah.

And then they make me sleep outside. No, literally, they made me sleep outside. Wait, what? In the rain. But it was like funny. But you like that stuff. I like rain, but I don't like sleeping in it. But it was like a bit. They just like locked me out. But they kept you out there all night? With the dogs, yeah. Put me in a cage. I don't think that's like a bit. They might actually really not like you. You're only 16. You could call CPS still. There's still time. True. I didn't even fucking think about that. It's a bit. It's like the bit that we do where I spank you. Yeah, yeah.

You've been silent the whole episode and those are the first words you've said. I hope you sit like rest in that. Yeah. Rest. Wait, what is it? Rest? No. What were you fucking saying? Oh, we killed a million frogs by accident at my sister's wedding. No. There was a huge thunderstorm and we were all walking around in the grass and then all of us started to look down and there was a million tiny, tiny frogs jumping around. It was like a frog, like a super bloom. Like, I mean, we're not exaggerating. There was frogs.

thousands if not hundreds of thousands of little baby frogs this big and like it was actually so fucking cute for a wedding to have those little toads like hopping around and like like didn't like the princess kiss the frog or something and it became a toad or some shit like that like didn't the princess kiss the frog like you know what i'm talking about like it was like a cute fucking vibe in the frog yeah yeah it was like a cute fucking vibe and like um

Until we realized that we were mashing all of them. All the kids were running around. We were like, oh, look at them. And then we were looking at the grass and they were picking up frogs at one point. And then they started running around. And we were like, oh, that's so cute. And then we started looking down at the floor and you could see a million frogs like jumping around. But they were jumping around trying to get to save me. Running away. While kids were running through and just like. Yeah.

killing their loved ones, their brothers and sisters. - I don't think frogs have the capacity to know like relations. - No, they don't. But the wedding was super fucking cute. Congratulations to my sister and her now husband. I'm glad everybody was able to make it and I'm so fucking proud of you. - Also, two things that I made fun of on the podcast in like the same episode. - Hit you in the ass.

I made fun of paragliding. Is that what it's called? Yeah, yeah, whatever. The fucking big fan. The fucking big fan. I made fun of that. One of Drew's family members fully does that. And then I made fun of men crying. And there was beef. There was tension. Yeah, there was tension. And then there was...

Obviously at the wedding, his sister's husband was like sobbing. He was like so happy, but it felt sweeter in person. But I felt so uncomfortable because I was like, I made fun of these things back to back on an episode literally last week. And I'm sitting here in a room of two men committing the sins that I damned. You ate with that. Yeah. Committing the sins that I damned. Because you're like Satan because you're evil. You're a witch. Brouhaha. Brouhaha-dia.

Anyway. Abuelita. Shut the fuck up. My abuelita is a bruja. Abuelita. Abuelita. Abuelita. Um, but yeah, it was a fucking vibe. We made slime and it was so fucking awesome. Oh yeah, we did floor slime. It was fucking cute. Um,

What else happened at our trip? Ksenia came with me to Texas. My fucking family loves you, bro. They literally, dude, it's so funny. I'm loved. They all genuinely think, like my extended family, that I don't, I have a relationship, but it's not as close as my close family. But all of them genuinely believe that me and Ksenia are going to end up together. And I'm like, babe.

His grandma was touching up on me. We can talk about that. She was just doing the older woman thing where she's being kind and her

her love language was touch but i was wearing this dress that had a big slit in it and she kept touching my thigh period i did too i would have when and i was just cracking up in my head because i'm just like sitting there and she kept calling everybody to introduce me to everybody but i've met your whole extended family already so she would be like come here like you need to meet anya she's the best and then they'd be like i know anya and then i'd be like yeah i know them and then they she'd be like oh okay and then kind of like bath

them away and then see who else she can like call over to talk about me and then she introduced me to somebody I didn't know and then she was like oh like how do you know the family and then she cut in and she was like this is Drew's better half and then me and Drew later on we were like

Sorry, grandma. Sorry, grandma. Sorry, gim-gims. Gam, gam, gam. But it's not too far for them to think we'd get married because we've talked about that before. So it's not that crazy. But it is so interesting to think of like older generations. I guess even some people our age, like we just live in a bubble where we don't find marriage and romantic relationships to be like the epitome of human connection. And for a lot of people, that's still like top tier and the thing to like...

be sought after. But what was cracking me up is I was like, it's so weird to think that for some people, there is a sliver of

like invalidness to our relationship because we don't fuck like that's literally all that's missing is like just because we don't hook up anymore i was gonna say also like that's just a facade we keep up to the public that we don't do that but like we keep our sex lives private yeah and we don't do that anymore we keep our sex life private and our private parts to each other that's fucking suck bruh

I was actually thinking the other day, I was like, damn, our podcast would be 10 times more interesting if we were people who were like dating around and being foolish and like also spoke about those things publicly because there is like no personal life aspect to this podcast, which I enjoy. And I think for the most part, people like, but I was listening to someone else's podcast. I was like, damn, they're like going in about their fucking dating life. Like y'all are like about it. But you literally couldn't put a gun to my head and make me say anything about my personal life. I actually think I would explode. I'd much rather talk about shit and poop.

Yeah, no, literally. Sorry, I was like lost in thought, like thinking about like Trisha Paytas. I'm not kidding. Like literally, I was like, damn, like...

She loves us. We're her favorite couples podcast. Yeah. But okay. So also another thing that happened in the last episode is I started talking about basketball and people were genuinely shocked that I had ball knowledge that I'm not sure that you know things about balls. That's like to me. That's the first thing I would think. I'm like drew balls. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Anyways, so anyways. No, but I know a lot about basketball. It's something I keep to myself because no one wants to hear me fucking talk about basketball. I love it when you talk about basketball. Okay, good. I was waiting for that. Should I talk about it? That's my answer. So no.

No, so Caitlin Clark, yes, she's the girl. And I hate to see all the other WNBA girls. I don't mind you talking about women's basketball. That to me, for some reason, is less annoying. And I love Angel Reese. And I love that she's taking on the villain role and publicly saying she's fine with it. I don't believe what you said.

*Groan* *Groan*

I don't believe what you... Damn, it is only basketball related. This is insane. So this is Jalen Brunson and Josh Hart's podcast. This feels like when I would ever sit in a French class and my teacher really wanted me to learn something and for some reason it just would bounce off of the membranes, surrounding membrane. It just doesn't... It won't. It can't. It will never. And you know what's crazy is...

um i would go to a game though because i would get a beer and stuff let's go that sounds fun like getting all cute and like going to a game such a pretty nose but i literally like just saw it for the first time um but yeah that sounds fun but then that sounds fun in theory and then actually having to sit through a game because aren't they like three hours long that's like baseball they're not too long like because isn't there like intermissions and stuff

Like we'd be in the stadium for three hours. Yeah, there's like halftime. Hell no. But you go to the bathroom at halftime, you get like your beer at halftime, your second beer, and you like just vibe out and chat for a second. Are you talking about basketball? Yeah. Dude, when we went, I don't even fuck with sports, but when we went, I was like, this is kind of sick. Like you get it. Like once you go, you get it. Because basketball is like...

every 20 seconds they're playing like EDM. Like whenever something's not happening, like people come out and dance for you and shit. It's like the TikTok. It's literally subway surfers. Like they're playing subway surfers for you to keep you like tuned in. You know what's really fucking sad is...

We had Luka Doncic and Jalen Brunson, but we did not utilize Jalen Brunson right. We traded him to the fucking Knicks and he became a fucking superstar. And now he's like gonna be an all-star. Wait, don't fall because you're gonna cut your hand. All right, I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. That was crazy. Wait, should I go into stand-up?

Do you have more stand-up? How the fuck do you have more things to say? Girl, I got a lot of stand-up. My notes suck. People keep tagging me in people who get beat up by horses now since I mentioned it. So all of my tags on TikTok are literally people getting beat up by those royal horses. And I actually don't understand the obsession with the royal guards and the horses. Like,

Someone explain it. Yeah, someone in the comments, just let me know what the fuck is up. What is it? Is it like... It's the outfits. It's the horse girl couture. It's coming back, I swear. No, but it's like they got those big funky March Simpson hats. I don't understand why that's the vibe. We need a renaissance era of those fits. Or like a coquette. Imagine a coquette royal guard. But those horses...

of all those horses are being abused because they have to just stand in a fucking dingy cave all day and like let humans come up to it but like you saw the one that escaped and like cut its yes like they literally get attacked but like i need to find some of the ones that i've been tagged in oh i think i've been saving them because i get tagged in them so much now you don't want to be saved don't save her oh

Also, why do you go up? So humiliating. So humiliating. Bitch, if I got hit in the head by a horse, I would actually end my life. Like, why go up? That's mean. This lady's really cute. Aww. She did not deserve it. Also, the horses, like, must be able to sense energy and vibes because it doesn't bite everybody. Get off my head! Like, it is sad. Falling to the fucking ground. Like,

It's really crazy. Every single person trips. Yeah, everybody gets knocked over because a horse is so goddamn strong. But people keep going to take the pictures. I just want to understand the value of the picture because it's not like... I don't know. Also, the other thing I wrote down is...

It's crazy how much homophobia in the world is. You are the main perpetuator. But it's crazy how much homophobia there is in the world where they are, when they are the most accepting people ever, no straight crowd would ever sing and cheer like that for JoJo Siwa. No.

like the love given to Jojo Siwa like is so sweet and it's so awesome and like at the shows and whatever even if it's for like a goof and a gag and it's like funny but like genuinely wait I want to know exactly the way I wrote it down I was really high when I was having this thought too like I thought I was like unlocking something

Fuck. The mysteries. Gay people are so nice. Like at the end of the day, a crowd of gay people singing and cheering for Jojo Siwa is true connection. No, literally. Like that is literally like the meaning of true connection. I don't know why you could even hate their kind. Like those people. Even for a second. I mean, I know I couldn't either, but I'm like...

I just think it's interesting how Enya is critiquing homophobia when she just broke a bottle over a gay passing man's head. Exactly. A culturally gay man. A culturally gay man. That's where the confusion is. Drew is not gay, he's culturally gay. Oh wait, I was unlocking the keys to the fucking universe yesterday. LA is full of straight gay men. No, no, no. Gay straight men. Yeah, yeah. LA is full of gay straight men.

And I am just straight. That's not what you said in the car. We literally having the funniest conversation because I was saying how like, what? Oh, I was saying it's so interesting the way like mega straight girls talk about like,

like coochie like it really is so jarring to me like this whole like narrative that is based in misandry or not misandry that's based in misogyny and like just like this weird patriarchal ideology around like women's private parts and just is like oh

Like, oh, it's so stinky. Ew, fucking fishy, nasty, like, whatever. Which is, like, funny to, like, just, like, troll about and, like, know that it's not serious. But there are girls out there who are literally like, I could never eat someone out. That is fucking disgusting. Like, the way, like... Dude, neither could I. Wait, okay, that's not... I got the whole squad laughing with that one. But, like, the actual, like...

way people talk about it actually freaks me out because i'm like first of all we got to get down to what's up with your cooter bronson because that shit must be reek nation the way you think everyone else is like i actually don't understand it um and then we were having that conversation we were laughing about it and then i was like i act like i don't talk about men like that so yeah i was like girl you talk about penises the exact same way they're barbaric she's just never seen mine

- Oh, I have. - That's literally not true. That is literally not true. No, I was thinking about that too and I was like, it is interesting though, guys can look at a penis and respect it. - Yeah. - Like straight guys. - Yeah. No, yeah, exactly.

Yeah, some wieners go crazy. Okay, did you guys see the video of your mama getting banged by Drew Phillips? No, I saw that. Oh my god, what the fuck? It was number one. No, the video of the girl. Number one. Oh my god, so disrespectful. It was number one trending. No, it was a girl who showed her class the podcast. No. Here, I'll send it to you. Oh, that's so scary. Watch this. And I know everybody's like, ugh. People in the comments were like, I'm embarrassed for you. Like, I'm freaking out watching this video. No. No.

oh oh god i did see this i did see this and then she did a follow-up where she asked everybody and everybody was like i don't fucking know that shit was weird like i didn't i really didn't like that which freaks me out because i don't feel like we're that crazy no we're horrible like i don't think we're that like great oh i'm crazy like what like i'm not that crazy like

No, there was a girl at the end that was like a fan. I think she had merch or something. No, it's the girl who showed the video. She was like, I don't care what they say. Like, I still like it. Like, it literally felt like a piece to cam of like everybody being like, I didn't like that. I didn't like that. And then she was like, everyone here is crazy. That shit is good as fuck. It's funny as fuck.

but all of our friends are like-- - And respect. And listen, listen, listen, listen. If you have one, what did Lady Gaga say? If there's one person in the room that believes in you. - There could be 99 people who don't believe in you, but if the one person believes in you, you will go far. - Exactly, exactly. So that's the mentality I have from that. All right, going into standup. Are y'all ready? I open with a banger. Homophobic vinyls be like, "Let me set the record straight." - Wait, what?

Because the record? Like a vinyl record player. They say curiosity killed the cat. Well, who the fuck is curiosity and why don't they like cats? Yeah, I don't like that one. Where do you go to get an almost 20-year-old illiterate wedding ring? My name's Jared. I'm 19 and I never learned how to read Diamond Store.

That's the closest we're going to get to having Josh on the podcast. You know Jared, like the diamond store Jared? Oh, okay. Chipotle, more like shit-potle. They have been skimping on the topics lately, or toppings lately, huh? I'd be like, don't be shy, put some more. And then I go into yo mama jokes. Okay, let's hear them. Texas is the biggest state, but Kai's mama couldn't fit inside.

I was gonna make slime, but I grabbed your mama's underwear instead. Oh, this one's super heady. This one's like, you gotta think about this one for a second. Let it set after I say it. I'm so bad with directions, and I hate when I'm right alone. I get so lost in my thoughts. Oh, fuck.

Wait, wait, wait. Like repeat that. I don't understand. I'm so bad with directions and I hate when I'm right alone. I get so lost in my thoughts. Dude, that one's barely a joke. No, no, left and right. When I'm left alone, when I'm right alone. Whoa. What time of day did you write that? Like on the way to the airport. So it was like 1pm.

That doesn't seem like something that should have came out of your head. Oh, I was cooking in the backseat of my dad's truck. Crocs are so funny because they are shoes, but they sound like crocodiles. Plus, they bite your feet. Blisters. Okay, no, I don't know if you're going to be allowed to do this next week. You're like really going down a scary path. Inya, more like get in my belly. I'm so hungry I could eat you up. Kai, more like KY jelly. I want to butt fuck you.

Okay. I don't think I've heard the term butt fuck in so long. Dude, no. When I was writing it down, I was like, this is a banger. Like, 100%. Happy Pride, y'all. And that's the end. Actually, I have three more, but I was like, wait, I'm going to read the audience and that's a good banger to end on. Yeah. So I'm copying the ones that I have written down that I didn't read. That was good. And you should try.

To embarrass myself? That's a lot harder for me to do. It's like rejection therapy. I get rejection therapy all the time because nobody gives me enough attention. True. True. Oh, this sucks. This psyop. Jaren, I'm sorry. Evil Dr. Seuss be like one fish, two fish, dead fish, blood fish. Okay. You sold. You sold. You sold, bruh.

Okay, I'm not that's the one side off y'all get cuz I killed My favorite meme right now is how the fuck you hate subway bitch. You made the sandwich. I love that meme so fucking much Should we do media? Yeah, you wanna start?

Well, I've been really scared recently because I've realized my family has no video or photo documentation of us before the age of like 14, 15. So I actually think I might have been kidnapped and put into this family because every time I'm like, hey, do you have photos of you when you were younger? Me when I was younger, like our grandma when they were younger, like whatever, whatever. Everybody says no. And I'm like, okay, fine.

I know y'all didn't have your bread up. Something serious. But this is fucking fishy. Like, why is there actually... I asked my grandma if she had a picture of her when she was like 27. By that time, girl, you had to have been near a fucking camera or something. And she was like, nope. And I was like, do you have... Like, okay, when's the first time you were getting pictures? She was like, probably when you were born. And I was like, girl...

That is funky, uncle. That's scary. How are there no fucking pictures? And I can't stand you bitches with hella documentation to look back at because I am a narcissist and like the best part about documentation is that I could look at myself. There's no fucking pictures to look at myself. My dad literally threw away all of the documentation of us when we were younger. And all my Pokemon cards. But what did you do to him? Oh. Exactly. He has a sleep apnea machine and I farted into the air intake.

every night for like five years remember how much you used to hate farts they used to make drew so fucking mad it was fucked up like it was so annoying like if you farted around him he'd literally be like seriously like did you actually just do that i didn't come from like a farting family so like they were gross to me but then i farted once in front of everybody and i got over it

You're so brave. I love that we make you feel comfortable enough to fart. I'm a soldier. No, thank you guys for that. Now it's like my go-to bed. I'll be like, wait, it's so quiet. Or wait, what does that sound?

What is that sound? It's like such a dad joke to be committing to, but like Drew will just be in his room for like five hours straight ignoring me and Josie and then come into the living room and be like, wait, fuck, I forgot what I was going to say. Why did I come in here? And then just fart and turn around and run away. Go back and rot in my cellar under the crib.

Alright, well, shit. Media. Media. Of the week. Media. Media. Media. Media. Media. Sorry if I was quiet this episode, guys. Drew started out by concussing me, so. Yeah, and then I got concussed. I mean, dramatic. It's a little bit dramatic. Alright, my media of the week is...

Fuck, dude. I really have been listening to the same songs. Like, Why Should I Love You by Kate Bush? Why Should I Be Sad by Britney Spears? Kate's Bush? You wouldn't know anything about that, sis. I know a lot about Britney Spears. Oh, something that's been cracking me up recently is...

the dramatics of when a white person can dance and the reaction it gets literally has always cracked me up but recently it's been making me laugh so fucking hard because something about a white person like dancing with all their might is really fucking funny like and I like I understand historically why white people are so bad at dancing but like it is crazy the like I'm not bad at dancing dance okay wait

I'm not doing this. I'm not fucking doing this. I don't have to prove myself to anybody. But I don't know. The reactions to it are so amazing. It's like the equivalent when a baby speaks its first word. When a white person just suddenly shows the world that they can dance. Everybody's mind is like, oh my God, good job. I'm so proud of you. That's amazing. I like you want to try lithium.

I feel like you'd do good on it. Yeah. Kai, wouldn't you do good on lithium? Yeah, I think you would do really well. Y'all are saying that to offend me, but I actually genuinely think it would be really good. No, I'm being dead serious. So you think I'm fucking crazy? Yes. Also, really quick, guys, we've seen the comments. We've seen people begging for a Kai cam.

And everyone at the studio respects me, so they're gonna set me up with a really nice camera. - Yeah, be excited y'all, it's coming soon. - Yeah, it's been a long time coming, so. - Who said they respect you? - Just like the whole team. They all were like, oh-- - I didn't hear that, when did they-- - Your body's great, we respect you. - Oh no, they didn't. - Wait, Kai's body is tea right now, y'all. He has like abs. - When I got here, they were like,

"Oh, we want to show you a picture." And then they were like, "Wait, we can't, we can't." When I walked away, they were like, "Wow, you look so good." And they were standing over Kai's phone. And I was like, "Y'all are literally gay." Like y'all are literally all in a corner, like showing off your body. Not that there's anything bad with it. Like it's not wrong. I want to clarify, I'm not homophobic. I just don't like Drew. - Me and Drew, there was a period where we were just saying each other- - But boy!

There was a period where me and Drew were just sending each other progress pictures. Yeah. Back and forth. And I have them in my folder hidden. My product. It was not Kai's. Yeah. We have a shared album. Yeah. Okay. My media is Lady Gaga in my room, Langley Kids Choir, Snow Queen of Texas, the Mamas and the Papas. And then I finally saw Bottoms and it was worth the wait and worth the hype. But I watched it on my iPhone screen on the airplane like this.

um bitch i didn't even fucking talk about the people next to me on the fucking plane bro i'll no i'll talk about it next week bro like remind me but yeah drew was too busy fucking running his goddamn fucking mouth this whole episode i didn't get a god you're mad you're mad you're mad um oh i did watch anatomy of a fall and i really liked it and i watched

Children of a lesser god which I liked the lead actress not only am I one in love with her too She did such a good job three it is just like a classic old movie where the guy is like kind of fucking annoying like Any movie with like a male love interest before the year of like 2017 is fucking like The Turing test hi, what's the test?

The Turing test? It's not the Turing test. Oh, the Bechdel test? Bechdel test. The rectal test. Like, there are certain movies. It's just very, like, Manic Pixie Dream Girl. Like, she's so, like, lost and I can fix her. But she ate down and she is, like, so pretty. It's her Sigourney Weaver. Sigourney's Beaver. What's her name? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm not going to remember her name.

She's from fucking what's it called? Boys Don't Cry. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Wait, wait, wait, guys. Wait, wait, wait, wait. The Frank Ocean Magazine. Shut the fuck up. I look up Boyd's Don't Cry. Fucking what's her name? Hilary Swank. More like Hilary Skank. Okay. Bye, guys. Peace.