Pooping In The Club
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You motherfucker. Are you? Stop it. No, I'm going to punch you in the fucking dick. You're not going to punch me in the dick. That's a thing. It's like you're not going. No, please. Actually, because I'm going to smack the shit out of you. That's like the worst sound ever.

It's like... Welcome back to this episode. Welcome to this episode. Fuck you. Shut up. Fuck off. There's like very few... Kai...

What the hell? How is this little piece? Little dongle. Kai, you're looking very sexy today. Really? Yeah. Kai is always sexy. That's the thing. He's always serving sex appeal. That's the thing is like we have to just come to admission like some of the comments are right. Literally everyone in our crew bullies Kai because everybody wants his attention because he's sexy. He's sexy hot. That's...

That's just the truth. Fine, fine, you're sexy. Fine, the comments win. The hashtag freaky. Like, I've said this before, but y'all have to start saying freak high because it just reads as freaky and then I'm like, damn, you bitches can't spell. Freaky. Freaky. Um...

But there are very few things that literally... Actually, that's a lie. So many things anger me. Yeah, I was about to say very little things that anger you. No, but the thing that gets a visceral, animalistic anger out of me is the sound of people chewing with their mouth open. Alisa, I love you so much, but she's one of those people who she's a very...

I feel like I'm one of those people. No, you're not because I would not be able to live with you. And I eat with you all the time. And I rarely hear you eat. You know what's funny is I hear you say this about other people. And when I'm eating around you, I am so self-conscious of how loud my chews are. It scares the fuck out of me every time I'm around you. It's not my fault. I don't know what it is. It literally...

It flicks a switch in my brain and like the people I love the most are suddenly my biggest enemies and it takes so much practice and self-control to say nothing. Like it takes the most. Like yesterday I split an apple with Elisa and I stood by her for like 0.0 seconds and then I had to walk away because I was like, I can't, I can't hear it. It's like, I feel bad because it's just people enjoying food, which is like sweet, but like

I've said it to Elisa before and then I was like, I'm never gonna say that to her again. Except I'm gonna air it out. Elsie is also a loud eater. I'm airing Elsie out too. You're so annoying. When it's on purpose like that, for some reason it doesn't bother me. You're also moaning which is just making me horny. A blue talkie?

A blue talkie keeps the doctor away. A blue talkie a day keeps the doctor away. A blue talkie a day gives you an ulcer a day. Like, you have, like, little bubbles of ulcers all around the stomach lining of your body, and one day, you're just gonna pop, like a little zit. And it's gonna be blue and pussy. Suicide by talkie. Your teeth are fucking disgustingly blue right now. Ew! Um... Stop it.

You're so fucking annoying, I'm gonna smack you. I don't have my glasses on because I think I'm ugly with glasses on and I didn't want to waste contacts 'cause it's late. You serve Mia Khalifa vibes with glasses. That's a serve, but I do not serve that. I- I just look like stupid. I just said- say things. Mia Khalifa does wear glasses though. Am I tripping?

Mia Khalifa. I- you need to stop because you're just trying to bother me. No, I was clapping all the dust off. Do you have anything to give to us right now? Because like you've just been like silent and chewing. Making sounds. I have a couple things to offer. Making silence. I have a couple things to offer. Ya mama. Oh! Ya mama. Um...

Okay, here's the first thing I have to offer. I've decided to redact my belief in evolution. There's no way a fish crawled out of the water and made me. Not a chance in hell. I thought we came from monkeys, not fish. Or does it start there? I think it starts there. Like, it was like, then it made lizards. Like fish to a monkey? Oh, yeah. Fish to lizard to dinosaur to monkey? Or something like that. Okay.

Like, I think there was, like, multiple different types of fish that crawled out of the water, and some evolved to be, like, primates, and some evolved... Wait. Because whales are mammals, right? Yeah. Wait, did, like, a whale crawl out of the water one day? I'm just not to believe in anything, because anybody who... That was, like, actually serious, and I realized how stupid that sounded, so I, like, formed it as a joke. That is cracked. That's a cracked phone. That's not a cracked phone. Have I ever heard a phone crack before? Okay, no, it's not. Yeah, I...

remember how easily iphones used to crack like it was a scam you could literally drop it from like an inch high and it would explode like an android but the second we could order a new iphone screen off of google they don't break as easy um i forgot what i was gonna say oh i choose not to believe in anything because i just like i don't believe in anything but myself i'm here to believe in me because no one else will do it do you believe in me

Yeah. I don't believe you're real. There was a hesitation. Because I was like, how can I believe in something that doesn't exist? And you and Kai don't exist. Why don't I exist? I'm entering an era of like nothing around me is real and like life is a little game and I can just make decisions and that's like terrifying. Listen to this theory that I'm working on. Okay, so computer code, binary, ones and zeros.

Our whole lives are dictated by yeses and nos, ones and zeros. So if you think about it, we are low key in a simulation. And that's my theory. That is not a new theory. Expand, expand. You did not make that up. I swear to God, I told Kai that.

Simulation theory? Know that yeses and nos are our binary. I made that connection. That's not true. Unless that's a connection that someone else made. Instead of saying yes and no, all the time I say I'm going to kill myself instead. So my life is not dictated by yes and nos. You broke out of the fucking matrix. Yeah, I'm different. Quantum computing. Your simulation is binary. Yours is quantum.

Yeah, I literally live in a different world than you bitches. Wait, I need to read the beautiful poem that I like made today and I'm like not kidding. I meant it with my tongue. Fuck me, that was a crazy one. Did you have Takis in there? Yeah. Fuck you, don't fucking look at me when I get close.

Ew, bitch. Fuck, dude. The thing is, you're sneezing right into your hand like a goddamn three-year-old. And then you're going to stick your fucking hand in the bag of Takis and then eat it and then touch every single thing. You're going to touch your little fucking puff bar and your food globe and all that shit. Sneezes smell so good. No, they don't. They smell fucking delicious. This is airing someone else out, but my brother, when we were growing up, had the stinkiest. I'm going to beat the shit out of you. You're not going to do shit. These are Celine jeans, you fucking dumb motherfucker. Mother.

Motherfucker! Alright.

Here, and this, I mean this with my whole chest, and when I wrote it, it was literally free thought, and it came out, like, just like this. Aw. I curate vibes and destroy the ones I deem unfitting. I dedicate my life to the slay and occasionally find moments in which I have the spare time to serve. I am a simple woman dedicating my life to having fun and vibing out. I search for a god to believe in so I don't feel so small. It's where I feel small. You just said you don't believe in anything. Slaying. Can you shut the fuck up? Because I did not fucking say that. You're interrupting me.

to lie on my goddamn name in my face. You're a walking conundrum. You're a walking piece of shit. Fuck you. I'm gonna beat the shit out of you. I can't believe you interrupted me. I'm gonna start over. Um...

It's rare I feel small seeing as I am so busy slaying my life away. Who has time to think of our significance to the moon and the stars? I also spend lots of time consuming delicious treats and always making sure I take a sweet bath three to four times a week. The bath needs to be hot enough that I feel the burn in my iron deficient feet. And I always say they're not burning off. I can stand this heat. I'm stronger than most for this. That last part is not a joke. Every single time I get in the bath, I like stand there in silence and I'm like,

The skin isn't burning off my feet. That's not true. It's like the hot springs in Joshua Tree. I was like, okay, like, what? Is this actually going to boil me alive? Like, am I actually going to cook alive and have first degree burns on my body? Like, absolutely not. Also, I found out... Pain is an illusion. Pain is not fucking real. Everyone is fucking crazy. Yeah, mind over matter, real shit. I found out that, like, the degree of burns is dictated by the percentage of your body that's burned. That could be just misinformation, though. Oh.

Yeah. Wait, a third degree burn just means that a third of your body? What the hell is a fourth degree then? Maybe. I could have just spouted like the most insane medical misinformation I've ever... I don't think so. I feel like a third degree burn is like when there's like welts and like irreparable damage. It says burns are classified as...

Oh, it's how deep it burns into your layers of skin, your derma. Yeah, it's how deeply and severely they penetrate. You just get on here and you fucking tell people lies. Well, I corrected myself. These dumb motherfuckers walk around and be like, did you know? I don't remember where I heard that. It's like the most crazy dumb shit ever. The craziest source is me.

What the fuck? Oh, I had to like walk out of my room after reading that and I congratulated you on that because I was like, this is the most beautiful thing I've ever read you write. And the end, it was just so incredibly relatable that I...

just like was actually moved so much that I got out of my bed yeah dude did come and congratulate me so I'm starting a book if anybody's wondering I'm starting a book about me because I love me and that's all I can write about because I don't know anybody else because everyone else is fake and no one is real so I can only write about me remember when I I was like in my like completely lost arc and I was like what am I gonna do with my life and I came to you and I was like

I'm going to write a book of things you shouldn't do. Do you remember that? Yeah. But I just came up with another idea similar. It's a book of lies. And it's literally just a book where I lie for 500 pages. So like a fiction book? I need... I literally need help. The comments are getting to me. I need help, but also like I need to feel the way we did when we went to that bar because for...

On the 29th of January, from the 29th to the next day, I felt so out of touch with reality and it was the best feeling ever. I was like, I don't feel pain right now and I will run into traffic and I won't die. I literally won't die. I think that's like maybe mania. No, that's me literally fucking slaying the world. And I want to feel it again so bad because now I'm like kind of grounded back in reality and I'm like, oh, I have things to do. But I'm kind of like tiptoeing around it. Like,

One little source of like serotonin to the back of my head will send me off right now Like I just need one little fucking hit No, a puff bar doesn't give me like serotonin Get in, dive in girl, dive in See, that's also proof that I don't exist in y'all's reality Because like I'm not addicted to nicotine like the rest of you bitches Real shit Should we talk about our Adventures out? Yeah, with Kai The Kai Chronicles continue Um

I don't even know where to begin. I mean, it was a long ass day. It was like one of the longest days I've had in a very long time. It started early in the morning and we went paintballing. Which was fucking fun as shit. I want to shoot all my friends. It was actually a blast, but like very early on me and Amy were like, no, like we cannot be on different teams because if we're on different teams, it will tear us apart.

this friendship apart. It will be, it won't be fun for anybody. Like we will go after each other and actually shoot to kill. Um, yeah, I just was like, I'm, I, and I think more so on my end because I'm so competitive by nature with very few people in my life. But Drew is one of them. Drew is like my top competitor other than like anybody I end up in a relationship with. That is my other top competitor. I like, I,

I mask my competitiveness with layers and layers of gaslighting and lies. I will act like I'm not fucking seething with anger just to get a competitive edge on someone. And it works on me. And I know you do that. I know you go out of your way to be a fucking conniving cunt when it comes to competition. And I always fall for it because I lead with my...

With your vagina? No, with my heart. With my big, fat, fucking coochie. Did you know the heart is in the genitals? That is true because sometimes my shit do be thumping. My shit's pounding. But yeah, it started with paintball and that was a blast. I got shot in the penis twice. Once by my own teammate. He did get an erection from it. I was instantly full of math.

I'm like, why do all of our episodes get like demonetized? And it's, I almost just said, yeah, you were in gorge. I, I have two bruises on my wiener paintball bruises. Look them up. They're not a pretty sight. And we were supposed to get naked together at we spa tomorrow night, but I refuse to show my body to my friends. Um,

Second part, I got shot in the face and I was like... Oh, how's that doing? It's literally... I think it was just like shrapnel that like cut me up. Yeah. Or like paint splatter that just was hitting me at terminal velocity and it just like literally ripped my skin apart and I was bleeding. But Kai... I sent a picture to Kai and he was like, it literally just looks like you have fucking mustard on your face. But he did call me sexy hot and it did gas me up. Yeah, you did look really good. Yeah. So we'll insert it here. Thanks.

So annoying. I hope people are like, ew. No, that's like what it's going to be because I refuse to think I look attractive in that photo. I literally sent it to Kai in confidence and I was like, if this ever leaks out, I will be over it. You know what it is? It's because since you guys are dating, like Kai is like, has like that thing where he just sees a photo of you and he like thinks you're beautiful no matter what. Yeah. Yeah. Someone mistaked me and Drew as a couple, like for real, for real. And it like kind of took me back because I was like...

Oh, but it makes sense. We do give that vibe because we're so like in love. And oh my God, every time we're out, we make out. We like can't stand it. We grind and twerk. Unironically, we do grind and twerk on each other when we're out. Which like, we're always like, why is no one hitting on us at this club? Why is no one hitting on us at this bar? And it's literally us grinding on each other the entire time. And that's okay. I'm like, take a hint. Look at me. Hit on me. Don't you want competition with my bestie? But...

Yeah, paintballing was cool until I got shot in the temple and it really angered me. I got shot in the boob and I was hoping for a nice fat hickey like bruise, but it's just like it looks really gross. It's just like... Is it bruised? Yeah, you want to see? Later. Okay. Oh, and then my nipple got grazed and that was an interesting feeling.

I'll leave it at that. I was out for fucking blood. I wanted to murder someone. But yeah, so paintball was fun. Paintball was fun. We won't get into the drama of it all. But there was some drama. I wish we could talk about it. But it was all settled. The beef was settled. It was settled, so it's not worth bringing. But I was doing a little trolling, a little troll-a-lolling. We do do a little trolling. We do do a little trolling. We do do. We do do. We do do.

Fuck us. Like, actually, why did that make us laugh? So, yeah, and then we went to an art gallery where all the people were fucking terrifying and I actually was panicking and freaking the fuck out. Yeah, it was...

I went into it with a very open mind and an open heart. And I actually enjoyed myself and I enjoyed the people around me. But also with that said, there were some really scary motherfuckers, potential killers in the crowd. There were some goblins and killers.

I saw a man literally moving in some motion and he was not showing art. He was literally just in a fucking K-hole. He was so scared. Yeah, dude, it was literally terrifying. And then I started mimicking him and I was looking people directly in their eyes and just like,

You and Christian were on a really good one. We were screaming. Like we, I just like, that's what it is. It's like uncomfortable environments where like everyone is so serious and taking themselves very serious and the environment around them is very serious. Like, oh my God, I'm about to start crying. No, but there's something that it like flips a switch in my brain to do the exact opposite of that, which is not healthy and not okay because...

I probably offended some people that night. Oh, yeah. Same. But at the end of the day, like, do I give a shit? No. No. It's just, yeah. It's like when people are being so fucking serious. We're in our own lane. I know. Booger finger. You just picked your nose and dabbed me out. No, I scratched my nose. You wish I picked my nose because I know you would have ate that shit. Oh.

It's stupid. But yeah, that was fucking terrifying. And then we went to dinner. And this is where, like, my vibe was being settled. Like, I don't know why. I think literally what changed my mood was you acting like you were, like, way too drunk to function. Like, we went to dinner and me and Drew had a margarita. And everybody was talking to go to this, like, party, like, after the gallery. And I was just, like, really on the fence about going because I was like, I don't know that I, like, want to be around a bunch of people. Like, it just sounds like a lot right now. Yeah.

And I just like, wasn't in like a bad mood, but I've been kind of set. Drew, did you drink? Did you already drink before this episode? Yeah, I'm good. This is vodka. Drew, no. No, you can't keep doing that. Drew, you honestly don't need any more. Stop. You don't need any more. You bitch. Don't cut me off.

Literally the dad in the last episode of Euphoria. Literally the dad? No. That's literally what Drew was doing at dinner and for some reason it cracked me. He can get it. I'm sorry. I almost said something so disgusting. But yeah, Drew was doing that at dinner and acting like he was way too fucked up. And I think what made me laugh so much is how committed you were to it.

committed you were to the bit because you were like falling onto me for a straight two minutes and i didn't realize what he was doing i think i thought he was just like acting like he was tired and then i look over and his hand was moving so fucking slow towards his margarita and it literally cracked me you have to go home you have to go home and you have to uber and

Yeah, that's just like one of my many talents is just like faking fucked up. Like it's like whatever. Like I'm an actor. The thing is, I can't see Drew fake being that fucked up anymore because I'm like, I've seen you like this. I can channel it. Wait, what was the night that we came home with Kai and you were like acting really drunk in the car? It might have been that same night. You were acting really drunk in the backseat. It was the night before that. We went to Escuela. Yeah.

There was like a party there and you were in the backseat and acting really fucked up. And when Kai was hanging out, I was like, this isn't even funny because like Kai's had to do this with you. Of like taking you out of the car and saving you. Oh yeah, he like carried me up the stairs. Yeah. So then that was the like vibe changer. And then we were like, okay. It's funny how I just curate a vibe. But you can also like literally destroy one. It's a talent. Yeah. I mean, I think I have, no, I don't have that vibe because like.

I don't like, I don't like destroy vibes. And you don't intentionally. No. Like I like wipe them clean. I'm like, oh, this vibe isn't like, this isn't the vibe that needs to be here. And I'm going to spruce it up without asking anybody if that's okay. I'm just going to do it. You're literally an empath. Because I'm, yeah, I'm like the vibe like controller. Like it's like if I had strings, I'm the puppeteer. I'm the vibe puppeteer. Girl, look at my name on my iPhone.

Vibe controller. Literally anytime anybody tries to airdrop something to me, it's like, are you Vibe? And I'm like, yeah, I'm the controller of the Vibe. And then when it shows up on people's cars, it's like Vibe controller is DJing or it has the aux. It's a very nuanced conversation. Continue with the night.

so we like came back to the house to like chill for a second and I decided I was like I am fucking freezing my ass off and I do not want to wear a dress like I like I'm done serving I've served to the people enough like I need to have a slay day like there's a I fucking forgot you did that yeah we came back home and I was like I had this like really cute outfit on and I was serving and I was like

I need to not be in this. So I put pajamas on and some sunglasses on. And then I was like, I'm going to bring my speaker with me. Like, and I just put my speaker in my purse and started walking around the house, blasting music. Drake. Yeah. Drake. Fair trade to be exact. I wasn't complaining. You know, I used to like complain about Drake playing and now I'm like so down for it.

I'm sure a lot of y'all have noticed we don't have many ads anymore and you're probably thinking, wow, oh my God, I feel so bad for them. They deserve ads. But we're doing our job. You're not doing your job. You need to fucking subscribe and engage with me or I will never do my job again. I like, I can't believe I miss reading ads. I like, I miss the taste. I'm serious. Okay.

Genuinely, what the fuck does that mean? That was just a lapse in judgment. Like, I don't know why that came out of my brain or my mouth. Actually, you know what's crazy? Saying that's a lapse in judgment. No, I literally had...

That was like the most peaceful mind state I've ever been in was like when I was saying that, like there was not a single thought in my head. I'm not kidding. Like it was like I meditated for three hours. It wasn't like a thought that was supposed to come out. It was literally you like comprehending the words I was saying. It wasn't your turn to speak. You had nothing to say. Oh my God. But then Drew took the ox from me and I,

Have we talked about like our fart thing that you always fucking do? I don't think we have. So me and Anya are both connected to the same Bose speaker. And it's normally sitting in the bathroom. So when we shower, we just play our music or whatever.

So we're both connected to it. And anytime India goes into the shower to like play her music, it connects. But like for some reason when... It always connects to yours, even though it's my fucking speaker and I connected to it first. It drops India's connection and connects to mine. And I immediately, without a fail, every single time clock it. And I start playing fart sounds at full speed.

full volume in the bathroom and it's like explosive like it's very loud deafening almost like it's dangerous to the eardrum comparable to a jet engine see you literally are a vibe terrorist yeah it's like go in that bathroom for peace and tranquility and i'm like i'm gonna play my music and create my own vibe in here it's and you fucking take it over and also it's like it was fun like the first two times but it happens to me

three to four times a week. No, it's actually insane how many times I do it. And like every, it used to be like funny, like you would laugh at it and you'd be like, he like the true stuff. Like give me the ox back. And now you like are actually like viscerally angry every single time. No, I literally don't say anything. I just wait for you to get it out of your system and I just wait till my phone connects. Like it goes on for like a minute and then you like get bored and you disconnect and keep watching fucking TikTok.

I'm like, I need to get back to my TikTok for you page. So yeah, I have the 1000 farts on deck at any moment, just like ready to go. Like it's like in my playlist, I just click it and it plays. So I have it on deck. And it just like, I think, was it your idea or did it come to us both naturally? It was like, we're going to play fart sounds in the club.

I think you played it here. Like, you took it over and I was like, I'm bringing this fucking speaker with me and we're doing this. Like, we were like, we have to play this there. Because originally, I was just joking that I was like, I'm going to make my own vibe and I was just going to play Certified Lover Boy on blast in my purse. But then I was like, this is a way chiller vibe. There's so much potential here. And like, yeah, we just had to take it to the next level. So we went to this bar and played Femme.

fart sounds literally the entire time we were there. Yeah, for like two, three hours. It did not stop. It was not exaggerating. It was just a magical night. It was just ruining everybody's vibe. Actually, that's a lie. I think it enhanced some vibes. Yeah, everybody who interacted with the fart actually was...

intrigued and enjoyed until there were some there were some people who were like playing like too cool like chill like like I'm literally in the club right now I'm trying to look cool like and it was men of course like of course was it the same dude that was like we're all feminists here yes that was one of them even okay there was this freaking freakazoid who's going to hell and it's probably burning there right now as I say this who was literally like borderline this girl in the club like it was insane I

I've seen people like make out and like do the whole thing, but I was like she was like on him like Fully dry humping they were fully going to town. He had boner and pre come He's making pre Coombe. Okay, what do you say Kundalini? There's many variations Kundalini is just the normal thing. I like to say Coombe. I like to say creme brulee

I like to say making boba. Making buffalo sauce. Oh yeah, buffalo mozzarella. Yeah. Stinky pesto. Yeah. Do you want me to keep going? Beef bolognese. Okay, you have like way too many. He has a lot of innuendos for... Coom. Coom. Um, but yeah. They were making all of that. Um, but yeah, we just played farts all fucking night and I was being a goddamn criminal. Like, I was being so fucking

fucking evil with it. You were brave with it. I was like, if I did this, I would get hit in the head. Yeah. Like, some man would not find it funny. This is one of the perks of being a woman. I get to do whatever the fuck I want. Don't fucking look at me. Don't touch me. I'm gonna scream. Like, don't look at me. So I would just, like, there were couples at the bar who, like, also...

There was like an after happening there, but it was just a bar. Like, so there was a hell of random people who just decided to pick this place where they were going to meet their fucking maker, me. And I just had this big ass purse and I kept going next to couples at the bar and putting the bag on the bar and like with my elbow, like just like leaning against the bar and pushing the bag towards them and like talking to the bartender like nothing was happening. And these couples would just get bombarded with farts.

Yeah, it was so sick. It was such a sick vibe. And I love the move where you would like hug me or like dance on me and then like reach over and have your bag over my shoulder and blasting people with farts behind it. Yeah, I kept wrapping my arms around everyone's neck and then like holding the speaker out and like my bag out so I could get right in people's ears so that they like

They could be upset with me, but I'm like, I'm dancing. I'm literally dancing. I'm just trying to fucking have a good time. Like, my mom died. Like, my mom actually died. Literally. Like, it's actually not fucking okay, like, that people would, like, come for you when, like, you were dealing with that. I get to make up a new date of when she died every time I want something new.

Like I she died the guys she passed today actually like three hours ago. Yeah, and that's how bright That's how brave we are. Yeah, I'm experiencing trauma - I'm experiencing this with ya Just like I was like a party planner for your brother for my brother's funeral the way you keep calling it a party Well, you always use that like nasty word with it, but it was a party It was like was this celebration of life, but not not necessarily a party. I

Today my cocoa passed. Your cocoa? My abuela. I'm not even joking about that. Knock on fucking wood. That's not funny. That is literally not funny. Abuelita. My grandma's gonna live forever. Sorry guys if you guys don't have yours anymore. Mine is literally alive. Mine is dead as bones. Or my grandpa's dead. Thank you for reminding me.

But yeah, we just did that all night. We'll insert like I got two like funny videos Oh Ask Siri what song this is if you want it. What? Shazam it if you want it Just tell me the song Fuck you

with the fart machine the fart box and i refuse to ever go out without that thing again no it's it's genuinely amazing it's it's a great time i think y'all should try it if you go out yeah um it's a blast we allow you to take the dip yeah but like do it justice do it justice please like like it has to be 1000 fart sounds oh the best part is i have my favorite fart time stamped

On Spotify? Yeah, no, I wrote it down because I hadn't really listened to it all the way through until that night. And there was one that came on. Oh, there was one that came on that I was like, oh, that's a classic. Hold on. It's like around this area. Yep, there it is. Hold on. Fuck, it's 2630.

Like, that's a classic. That's a certified 1,000 Fart Sounds classic. I like the water, like, short ones. The little spurts. Oh, like in the very beginning? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, but I just had to timestamp that one because it's timestamped as 2630 long fart. But it's like, it's more like 2626. And then it goes for four seconds. Dude, the thing is too, because it was in my purse, it was really making the farts hella bassy. And I would hold the bag like to my back. So like and press up against people. So like if they heard it and farted.

and felt it. It was you spraying fart out of your ass. Spraying fart out of your butt. Yeah, and that was our fucking night. That was our night out on the town. And then, I don't know what was in the air that night. I don't know if I just felt too powerful by farting on bitches all night. But like, the next day, I literally, I could have built a car with my bare hands. It was beautiful. I could have built a bridge with, I can build a bridge with my bare hands. The way we built this city. We're city on cars.

It's always something. It's always cock. It's gotta be. No, yeah. No, actually, no. It should be coochie. Cock and coochie. CC. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. About the coochie part. Yeah, right. Oh, okay. That was a funny joke. Like, no, it wasn't. It was just like sexist. Women literally are not shit. Yeah, we're not shit. We're...

Roses. Flowers. A bouquet of flowers. I smell like roses. Roses are fucking disgusting. I never want to see a picture of a rose, a drawing of a rose. I hate them. I hate them. I wish there was a little bug, a parasite, I could put into roses and the bug would only destroy roses. I don't fuck with roses. Chemical warfare on roses. We can figure out a mutation, like a gene mutation in roses that kill it.

Have I said this before that I'm written by a man? Yes, you say it like every single fucking episode. Have I said that before? I think you said it last episode. Fuck. Maybe, maybe. Okay. I'm written by a man because I have huge tits, a nice voluptuous ass. Oh yeah, that was last episode because we talked about Murakami. And a huge smackin' coochie. A clapping, a clapping clitoris. It's like, that's like a new place to drop in Fortnite. Clapping clitoris. Yeah.

It's like Tilted Towers, but it's the clapping clitoris. We're never going to get ads ran on our fucking episodes ever again. Ever, ever, ever, ever. Should I just go into reading my notes? I feel like this is a good time. I'm in my horny era. Where does the electricity that supplies Teslas come from? Your mama. Next. Next question. Genuinely, because isn't a lot of electricity coal? Yeah, it mostly comes from coal. So it's like a conundrum.

Like what's the point if it's still burning coal energy? I think the idea is that you created infrastructure for electric vehicles and then you move the power grid to a sustainable power grid to power those vehicles and then you also don't have to you don't have to spend energy getting the energy source to the vehicles like with gas

Guys, sometimes I actually, I'm not joking. You go on rants and I smile. It makes me smile. It makes me smile. I'm passing away. I'm like passing out. I'm like knocking out like, guys, mansplaining. And like, I love you so much, but you're like going on and on and on. You spoke for two seconds. I'm not kidding. I like, I think I'm down for it. I'm literally down for a mansplain sometimes. Yeah.

Like actually, I love a good mansplain. Because you saw my genuine reaction on camera. I was smiling. I was like, this is so smart. I thought you wanted me to tell you. I want you to mansplain all over me. What? What? Like what does that mean? Mansplain all over him? Like with jism? What the fuck? Okay. It literally takes nothing to sexualize a slut like y'all.

It takes nothing to sexualize a bitch like you. Actually, it takes a lot. A slut bitch. Okay. Body, body, body, body. Okay. I am serving body. If the Ukrainian-Russian conflict gets any worse...

I might have to do something about it. I might have to figure it out. Why don't you step in now, Drew? Like, why let it get that far? No, if it gets any worse, I might have to do something about it. I literally have, I'm not kidding. Zero information on that. Like, zero information. And no, and you don't have to tell me because I literally didn't fucking ask. Like, I love. I was going to say, I don't really know either. I'm literally in my era of, I live in bliss. Like, nothing fucking exists. It's actually, it's genuinely nice. I just know that Ukraine and Russia are fighting. I,

I just know I have to post on IG soon. Yep. Like, I know I have to post an IG picture. Like, that's what I know. Like, I know three things. Wingbot, post on IG, bath time. WingbotJr3000. I need two wingbots. For what? When one dies? No. I don't need to go further. Okay. Can you whisper it to me?

Oh. Yeah. Nice. I'm just expanding my horizons. Oh, this is a good one. I told Kai I sometimes sleep without a pillow on purpose and he called me a monster. I do that all the time. Yeah, Kai literally freaked out at me. It feels so good to have your head like that bad. Yeah, when it's like breaking your neck. Well, you suck.

You said that you use your arm as a pillow. I do that all the time too. I'm not kidding. Most nights I sleep like this. Like I don't like have a pillow and I sleep on my arm. It's actually a big issue. Don't look at me. It hurts. Don't look at me. I'm melting. Are you embarrassed by that fucking head of hair? Yes. That's nothing to be ashamed of, baby. So bad. All right. I'm in straight mode now. What does that mean? I'm giving straight.

You're giving fucking high on meth. That's what you look like right now. What's wrong with your head? This is straight as hell. We should start making meth. Like, actually, the three of us. We could trick everybody. Breaking bad style. I'm Walter. Fuck you. I'll be Jesse. You're Jane. Oh, sorry. Not a good ending for you. You look straight and sexy at the same time. Stop. Anyway, continue. Continue, guys. Okay. Wait, what? What about it, though?

What about? Can y'all have sex when we're not doing our goddamn job? Okay. How do people do it? Wait, what? How do people do it? How the fuck do people? Oh, I freaked out. How did you read that and understand like what you were thinking? How do people do it? How the fuck do people work all the time? I'm genuinely tweaked out. But I wrote that earlier today when I was having my conniption fit. I have never had withdrawal before.

from nicotine once in my entire life. And then that super vape that I got on the road trip literally entered my bloodstream at an alarming rate and my blood to nicotine level was like way too high or something. And when I quit, this is the first time in my life, 'cause I was trying to quit, like we don't have to get into it, but I was trying to quit because I was like, I literally collapsed my left lung. Like it hurts so bad to breathe. Like this is not okay. Like this is the worst thing I've ever put in my body. I need to chill.

Hedonistic year over like I had my fun January it's done and then I tried to quit and I was so angry and pissy and stressed the past past week. Yeah. And also it doesn't help. It doesn't help that the puff that I was smoking was literally like I was smoking cotton like it was dead for like a week.

Um, I have nothing to say that because I'm not addicted to anything other than slang. So like, it's like you're putting me in a tough position where I have nothing to give you. You look so fucking gross when you do that face. Snapchat me that pussy. Oh.

I'd like to think that I want to enter like a nicer era of my life where I'm like a little bit nicer. Girl, wait. But I want to shoot people. Look. I want to buy a BB gun and just kind of shoot people in the feet. Look what I have written down in my notes. Oh, that's not happening now. Entering our nice era. Oh, no, no, no. It can happen. I'm trying. It's coming soon. It's coming soon. I'm trying. I'm trying. I want to be nice. You should practice on me and say something nice. I literally started the episode with a compliment and you're being fucking gross.

You're begging for compliments now. Kai, you are like a flower and you bloom- But a rose. Oh, what? That was actually the meanest thing you've ever said, Dan. That was super fucked up. Yeah.

And every... I'm trying to think of a fucking way to put this beautifully, but my brain is literally off. You're like a flower and you bloom and there's so many layers. You're like a blooming onion from... You're like a blooming onion from the Outback Steakhouse. There's so many layers to you. And it's crispy. I like hanging out with you when we work. The blooming onion reference. The thing is, I am nice.

But I show love with anger. Yeah. And I do fight everyone. I think there is like validity to that though. It's like how literally I've said this before. It's not like everybody that is like

that I'm hateful to like knows that I love them yeah it's like when I like that is so gnarly no it's like when I see a zoo wait I just thought about that that's so everybody that I mean to like knows that it's coming from a loving place no it's literally like when I see

When I see Azul, like, I just want to grab her by the fucking head and swing her over my head like a little fucking helicopter and slam her body against the wall and kill her and then, like, watch her come back to life. But, like, I can't do that. So, like, that's what I do to humans. Not exactly that. But, like, you get me. It's like the cute rage. Yeah. I want to do that to Azul out of love. And then I shouldn't be, like, I can't do anything but use my words.

with a full swinger. I've literally never been this domed in my life. I'm like high as fuck off this vape right now. I'm not even kidding. Today Drew was like stressing the fuck out and he was like I literally need to hit a dab right now. I need to chew the fuck out. If I hit a dab it would literally kill me. I'm not kidding. For some reason

and I borderline almost took it serious because I was like, we have to film podcast tonight. If he hits anything, like, we're not doing shit. For two weeks, a month maybe. I, like, laughed at the idea of both of us. Like, if I hit a dab, I would actually die. I don't even know what, like, technically makes a dab a dab. It's just the pure, like, almost the purest form of THC. So it's meth. Basically. But yeah, I don't, like, I can't. Like, I can't, like...

we somehow like every three episodes we get to talking about weed but i'm done i'm done it doesn't fucking exist and neither do you the person if you're watching this you literally don't exist you gotta get up and you gotta you gotta figure your shit out i'm not kidding you have to get up and run around because wake up wake up wake up wake up nightmare nightmare nightmare wake up wake up wake up you're not alive you're not alive i'm talking to you right now if it's in your head it's in your head everything is in your head you're not breathing

That's about it, man. Yeah, I got a couple more notes that I could read. The thing is, you always are like, oh, I have notes I can read. And it's the most blasphemous nothingness ever. It's like... I am a changed man. You know how earlier in the podcast I was very against meat on the bone? I had those chicken wings.

Dude, it changed me. And yeah, those wings. What was it from Mason's spot? American Deli. Were those where it was from? Yeah. Those changed me. That made it sound like Mason owns American Deli. It was his recommendation. Those literally changed me.

everything about me like i off the bone is like i just feel like a little fucking animal when i sit when i crouch at our coffee table in the living room and i'm just like eating like and fucking tearing into me i'm like this is it this is i'm human my feet i need to go outside and touch dirt

I need to start walking around with no shoes on. The most human shit I've ever done is when I went to Big Sur and was like hiking and then took off my shoes and like stood in the water for a second and then started eating a mango with my bare hand. And like I was just like all sticky and like I felt like a little like monkey. The juice all over. Yeah, I did juice all over the place. Like I stained all of the Big Sur National Park.

What? I stained it with my juices. The fuck? And I peed on everything. I didn't even know a human could take that much pee. Should I bring this out? Drew, I think, needs help. I got a new instrument. If you're visually watching, you can already see. If you're audio listening, here's a little taste. If iPhones didn't exist, you'd be living under a bridge. Why? I can't believe it.

It did not exist. I don't know where the fuck you'd be. You'd be in the middle of Granbury, like, digging a hole to the other side of the earth. Okay, let me just preface this. It has... What is this? A three-quarters jack? So you connect it to an interface, and you can add reverberation and shit to it, and it does sound actually really beautiful. But, like, raw, out of the instrument, it's giving nothing. It's giving, like, metal. It's giving, like, you...

Got high as shit and you thought you were about to build like a teleportation device. It's getting schizophrenia. It's schizophrenia in a box. I'm just so curious. Like, what are the things that we say on the podcast that in two months when people decide they've had enough, they're done seeing us, they don't want to see us anymore. What are the clips that they're going to bring up and be like, these motherfuckers are evil? Everything I've ever said. Literally everything I've said.

Yeah, because you're fucking sexist. You're problematic. Yep. Actually, no, you're stan-o-matic. Yes. You're stan-matic. You're stan-worthy. Yes. Stan me. Slay me. Yeah.

You have no fucking life in your eyes sometimes. Sometimes you look like I could go plop you with all my other dolls and you would just live forever. That actually sounds like my dream existence. I'm not fucking kidding. I wish I was like a poster someone could hang up. And then when they're over me, they could just crumble me up and I could disintegrate into the earth. When I was over prescribed medication in high school, like when they were... Have I talked about the stack that they had me on? No. In high school, I was prescribed...

a 30 milligram Vyvanse in the morning along with the Klonopin at the same time. So I was literally doing a speedball every morning and then I would go to school and halfway through the day I would go to the nurse and take a 15 milligram instant-release Adderall and then I would get home from school and this was all legally prescribed to me by a pill-pushing doctor. It was not okay. And then I would go home and

and have the option of taking a literal bar of Xanax, which is like fucking insane. I was 16 years old, 17 years old. I literally- Okay. Yeah.

I was on my ruched shit. But I always describe the experience as like being wallpaper. I was like, I literally felt like wallpaper and like, like I would just like peeling off the wall. Were you like wallpaper and like a Miami bathroom with no ventilation? Yes. Humidity. Yeah. It was like stained and it was peeling off. Like air bubbles behind it. Yeah. It was, it was not chill wallpaper. Um,

But like now I kind of miss that feeling and I wish I could go back to just being wallpaper That's literally like what I always say. Yeah peak of human existence is sadness So rest in it and enjoy it because that's when you feel most alive. You can't be happy without sadness Someone was like why does God allow so much suffering? Because you wouldn't be able to appreciate the good if there was literally fun. It is so fun to be sad like We're like, oh, I feel so like

When you're out of it, like, obviously when you're in it, it's, like, detrimental and you're like, how am I supposed to exist like this? How am I gonna get out? It's literally, like, so hard. Like, why am I here? But then when you're out of it and you're, like, just plateauing and you're not necessarily happy but you're just, like, living existence as normal humans should...

like you just miss that pit like it's like a nice like pit in your gut this is the scariest thought but like what if like we're out of like our chemical balancing eras and we're just not clinically depressed anymore I'm literally not because I'm running from something I said it this morning you said it to manifest something you're trying so

hard to put that into there. I said this morning I was like I'm on the border I'm about to fall I'm about to fall deep. I'm literally free soloing my mental health right now. That's what I'm doing. That is a crazy analogy that's so sick. Um

I am running. I'm running faster than I've ever ran in my life. Like, there cannot be a moment of silence. No moments of rethinking decisions. No moments of thinking about my day. Just drown yourself in work. I just drown. I drown in thoughts of everything else but my own existence. It's... And I'm fucking serving. Wait. I'm literally happier than fucking anybody on earth. Yes. You're probably not happier than me. No, I am, bibs. You probably are. You probably are. I'm not.

What were you going to say? I was going to use the analogy that Josh has been using a bunch where it's like football players, the reason why they're so good. It's, I think it's who, oh my God, I cannot believe I'm fucking referencing this person right now. Kai, who wrote Infinite Jest? David Foster Wallace. David Foster Wallace has this really cool analogy that Josh keeps telling me and I literally love it so much. It's not even an analogy. It's just like an observation he made about like,

like people who are like the best at their sports. I, I'm going to like botch it. I don't even want to get into it, but basically the like gist of it is like people who are the best at their sports are

are like the best because like their brains are empty. Um, and like, they don't even realize that they're the best, like kinda, but maybe that's not giving them enough credit and maybe, but I botched it. Like I said, ignore everything I just said. No. Cause now like they're literally going to go and re-quote you. Please never quote me, Drew Phillips. Never do it. Actually quote me on that. Quote me on that. Never quote me. What is that? What is that?

You are freaking out right now. Dude, I have literally felt so fucked up all day and like I finally feel kind of normal. I don't know what's going on with my brain. I think it's like, I don't know. I'm a walking conundrum because I literally drink, sit here and drink my electrolytes. I eat my 50 vitamins every morning. I take my tinctures, my mushroom extracts, and then I hit my puff bar. No.

That's okay. It's all about balance. You can do good and bad things and still enjoy life. Quote me on that. Like literally like I just made that shit up. What are the bad things? How far are the bad things? You can do literally anything you want because you can make whatever decisions you want. Like that is like what human life is. And that's like quantum simulation. Um, but I feel you every single day I wake up and there I literally, I right now in this moment, I don't know how I got right here. Like I can't,

I just wake up and then I live all day and then it's time to go to sleep. And I don't know what happens in between and whatever happens in between. It's honestly not my fault. We're literally describing like normal life now. I'm on autopilot. Oh, yes. Put me on autopilot, please. I'll put you on something. Put me on. That was going to suck. I'm not going to say it. I lost it.

I've lost it. I've lost my mind. This podcast is literally just like every episode seeing how much like little and little of like human lives we have behind our eyes. As of right now, no, I'm literally fucking awesome. And I could take on any motherfucker watching this. I could literally beat the fuck out of you. I wish I had the human strength to pick someone up and throw them in fucking traffic. Because I would do it. I'm becoming self-aware again. I'm literally the complete opposite. I'm so lacking clarity. I'm lacking clarity.

How do I fix that? Go to fucking therapy. Oh, I have therapy tomorrow. I'm not going. I'm just not going. I'm literally, she's going to call me and be like, what? No. You can't. Yeah, no, I have to talk. How long have we been on, Kai? 10 minutes. Fuck, dude. We can just end this episode with saying Kai is sexy. Yeah, Kai is sexy hot. Also, streaming is fun.

Oh, yeah. That's the fun thing we actually did this week is I literally want to be a streamer so bad. I used to do it. Twitch was so fun. But my Mac, it literally destroyed my computer. Like, my computer isn't a newer computer anyways. Isn't a newer computer anyways. So it was bound to happen. But the second I downloaded OBS onto my, like, iMac, it destroyed it and I couldn't stream again. You know what we can talk about is the...

Andrea from... Andrea Lopez. Andrea Lopez from the Discord. You take... Well, I'll just give a brief... Basically, through our Patreon, we have a Discord. And I went in there...

The other day, and people were like, how do you feel about Andrea Lopez? And they kept saying it to me. And, like, sometimes they'll do that in the Discord. And it's, like, them calling out their friends just to, like, have a moment where, like, I can say something funny about their friends. But I was like, I don't know who the fuck this is. Like, they're not in chat right now. I don't know who this is. So, I was just like, who the fuck is that? And they were like, it's our friend. And they were like, have Drew fill you in. But I fully forgot about it until today. Um...

Yes, it was... Sorry, I just got another message that scared me. But, yeah, Andrea Lopez basically...

Long story short, I'll just give it away in the very beginning. The entire server was catfished by Andrea Lopez. And this person does not exist, never existed, and spoke in the most insane way I've ever seen. It was so deranged and...

It was just hilarious. And she was like super problematic and just like really evil. And everyone was like, who the fuck is this? And she was 35 with two kids. Yeah, 35 with two kids and constantly dropping her kids off at school and like all this crazy. This is a fake made up person. Someone sat in their room and made this person up and catfished literally everyone. And they're a genius for it. And also the person who did it was had conversation.

with themselves on the Discord. So it made everyone not even for one second think it was them. Yep. Which is hilarious. It's awesome. And it took them so long to get to the bottom of who it was. And like people were forming like real relationships and friendships with this like 35 year old in our Discord. And like she wasn't real the entire time. Also, it's just so funny. Like,

That would happen in our Discord. Yeah. Like, we promote such, like, vile behavior, such as lying for fun. And someone literally was like, I'm going to get on here and lie for fun. They say we are IRS. I say don't call, please. They call, call, call. I don't give. That's, like, messages about her. That she said? Yeah. Someone was, like, she, someone was talking to her.

And then they were like, I know I'm funny. And she goes, yes, like my old husband. Sad face. Like alluding that like her husband's either dead or like she got a divorce.

Sorry, I can't. But yes, it was insane. What was the... They also made her homophobic. Yeah, which is not chill at all. Like, literally not chill at all. Not saying crazy things. It would be like, someone would say, like, be who you are with the rainbow pride of flag. And she would say, no. No. But yeah, we had to call...

that because it's so fucking funny. Yeah, and that's that on that on that. We're making an army of liars, misandrous, slays. Evil, diabolical people. Cunts. Yes. Okay. I'm not allowed to say that word. Media of the slay. Okay, I'll start. Let's do the new vegan album. It's really cool. I haven't listened to it all the way.

It's like 75 songs long. It's a really long album, but there's a bunch of really good songs. You can just pick and choose. Really nice album. I really like All I Think About Now by the Pixies. It's a really cute song. It might not be cute. I don't listen to lyrics. So it could be like really evil. And then Desire by Moody Man. I'm on a Moody Man kick right now. That's a really good song. Um...

Okay, I'm getting used to you, Barcelona. Like, why do I feel like I can't say that? Maybe don't. I've just been listening to the Outkast album, Speakerboxx, The Love Below.

This is gonna be, like, literally inflammatory on my name and people are gonna be mad at me. But I had never listened to Big Boi's side of that album. Like, I just always cared about, like, Andre 3000. Um, what? Me too. Oh. It's really fucking good. Is it? Like, I had heard songs, but, like, it was never like, oh, I'm gonna play this album all the way through. It's really good and obviously there's, like, a really popular song from his side that was, like, a single. Um, but yeah, it's really fucking good. And then...

Curve in Light by Midair Thief and Eyes Without a Face, Billy Idol. And then the movie is Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down by Pedro Aldomovar. Is that his name? I don't think that's his name.

My movie is a movie that you were watching today. Tangerine? Yeah. I need to re-watch that because that's literally classic. It's really good. I went on such a tangent about Sean Baker. A good tangent. I don't think it was a tangent. Yeah, it was really good. It was just like your opinion. He's a really good filmmaker. Has he made anything after Florida Project?

I think he made a movie recently, like Red Rocket or something with Sean Penn. Not Sean Penn. Maybe it's Sean Penn. He just released a movie in like 2021, I think. Wait, you have to watch it. Let me make sure. Florida Project is a, I'm pretty sure most of you have seen it. That's like one of my favorite fucking movies ever. I watched that in theaters like four times. I missed that era of my life when I would see a movie that I liked so much, I would go and pay to watch it again.

Just movies don't do that for me anymore. Like there's no another. Simon Rex, not Sean Penn. But yeah, Red Rocket. Simon Rex, Orange County. Yes. Apparently he bodies that role, which is really cool. Can I smell your feet before we go? No, please, please. Okay, well, that was it for this episode. Me and you are going to go make out with lots of tongue now. It's going to be sloppy. Like, how do you... Bye.