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Hello! I have an Arc'teryx beanie on. A lot of people don't even really know what Arc'teryx is. I think it's a popular brand. It's a very special brand that a lot of people...

they don't know about, like you were saying. And it's a really expensive brand. I was saying, I think a lot of people don't know about it. Yeah, exactly. So it's a really, really expensive beanie I have on. Oh, that's cool. Um, thank you. You know anything like, can you give us any anecdotal facts about the, uh, the brands? Like, no, Oh, I don't know shit about shit I buy. Oh, um, what was I going to say? Oh, um,

don't talk shit about me wearing this fucking shirt again so soon why did you wear it i don't know not you then because i know they're gonna have some fucking slick shit to say oh drew wears the same thing every fucking episode yeah bitch i'm saving the earth what are you fucking doing fucking buying a bunch of bullshit landfill no i wear the things i buy um i wore it like two weeks ago

That was long enough ago. Well, you just get offended now because everybody thinks you have three pairs of shirts. I do. Or three shirts and three pairs of pants. Yeah, no. Everybody's fucking toxic to me lately. Stop fucking talking about me. Oh my God. I thought you loved when people talked. No, I love when they talk good about me, but when they start saying slick shit. Bitch, someone had a full on...

Dissection of my body, my archetype. Oh, I know what it feels like to be a girl. I was just about to say, now you know. Everybody's always like, why is Enya so angry? Like, why is she yelling at us? Bitch, that's why. Yeah. I have to see people say things like that. Someone had a lot to say about my fucking body. Things that I am very, very insecure about.

which don't fucking play with me. And then on top of that, I saw an entire conversation about my penis size. We all know I have a giant fucking wiener. Like it's, I'm hung as shit. You have to like, you have to really explain this to me because were they saying you had a small penis or a big one?

Someone said, Drew has a big penis. That's hilarious. And then there was a full-on argument about me having an extremely average-sized penis, which don't fucking play with. Just don't talk about my fucking penis. I get to talk about my penis. Y'all don't get to talk about my penis. Ew, I never needed to hear you say penis that many times. Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis. And that's how we get the yellow check on our videos.

Exactly. We get that. Oh, that brings me to my next fucking point. I went to Best Buy because Kai stole. He stole. He's a thief. He's not here today. This is the second time Kai has just randomly left town and taken our stuff with him. So what he's doing is he's coming into the house, taking things, and then leaving for an extended amount of time. So by the time he comes back, we forget that he's a fucking thief. Yeah. And we let him back in the house. So he stole from us. He stole SD cards. And you bought two SD cards, um...

But one of them didn't work for our audio equipment so I had to go to Best Buy to buy

buy a micro SD card and I was shopping around Best Buy a little bit I've been wanting to get a Samsung phone for a long time I want the flip one or the fold the Samsung flipper fold and so I was playing with it for a little bit imagining you in a Best Buy alone is really freaking me out yeah no it was it was a very sinister imagining you anywhere alone like when you went to Rite Aid and you ran into Petra and she sent me she sent me a picture of you and I was looking at it I was like

Oh, my God. When he's out there, he really is just out there. Like, he goes outside and he's alone out there. No, I stay outside for real. Like, we're outside. We're outside. Okay. Right. One thing about Enya is she's going to make sure the lighting's okay. I don't have my glasses on, so I feel like I...

I can't see, but it looks fine. So you were in best spot. Yeah. And I was going to get one of those Dyson fans, the one that do the heating, the cooling and the purification. Yes, I do the heating. Yes, I do the cooling. Dyson be like. But then I also want one with the humidifier. Dyson, just make a fucking fan with hot mode, cool mode, humidifier and purifier and sell it for $1,500. People will fucking buy it.

Actually, no, they won't. You've been looking at the one you're talking about for four fucking years and you refuse to buy it because nothing like that is something that shouldn't be that expensive. Yeah. But anyways, I was looking around and then I went back to the phones and I was playing with the phone and I was like, huh, like I just want to play around with this for a little bit. So I went on YouTube to look up just anything. And I was like, oh, I'm curious about the emergency intercom channel, what it looks like on here. Looked it up.

You can't find it on the Samsung phones when you look it up. And then I looked up emergency intercom. You can't even just look up emergency intercom. And then I went through the YouTube page and I couldn't find it until I clicked someone's re-upload of your PowerPoint video.

that we did like years ago. And so then and there, and the recommended was our channel. I clicked on the video. You can't fucking view it. And so I went to the channel and you can't fucking look at the channel. And it's because it's because it's like a phone on the floor. So they don't want kids to have access to stuff. Damn, we're that bad.

Yeah, look, I even like took a picture of it. You can go to the channel, but you can't fucking see the videos. Well, it's because we opened the episode with you saying, stop talking about my penis, penis, penis. Well, no, that's very valid. Stop fucking talking about my dick and balls that hang between my fucking legs. Ew, stop. My massive dick and balls, might I add. Big. I seriously like hate that you have those body parts. Like, I can't stress that enough. Um.

I hate that you have a vagina. I was going to say when I was 14, somebody commented on the vine of me and my siblings in our bathing suits and said, damn, she's packing about me. So.

Well, you reclaimed that. They called my coochie big. Because you're hung. Enya has a hung coochie. Okay, we don't have to get into that. She does. The older I got, I used to talk about it a lot. And then I realized like people will be perverts about anything. And that's like a huge topic to be pervy about. Like they literally sell fake camel toes on Amazon. Like you can buy underwear that has padding to give you like a huge camel toe because it's like a huge kink. People love it.

Damn. See, that's... I don't need to buy shit like that because just like anything I wear, you can just see my... You should probably buy something to put in your pants for when you do gray sweat pant challenge. Yeah, gray sweat pants challenge. I went to the... Never mind. We won't get into that. But...

I looked like shit the day I went out, by the way. And then I ran into fucking Petra and that was so embarrassing. And then on top of that, she asked like, oh, what are you picking up? And she probably thought I was like going to say like, oh, my like depression meds or like, oh, like I'm getting this medication. Yeah, Percocet, like something chill. Bitch, I was picking up colonoscopy prep. Ugh.

Like, oh my God, if that doesn't fucking work, I swear to God, y'all will never see me again because I'm going to fucking kill myself. You make me want to kill myself. I'm going to kill myself. So yeah, to be clear, Drew went to the doctor and I know you guys are probably like, oh my God, like you record the episode, the Halloween episode so long ago. We literally recorded the Halloween episode basically on Thursday. So it hasn't been that long. Drew went to the doctor. And suck my dick and balls. I can do whatever the fuck I want with my body. Oh my God, Drew, people just...

- They're just like you. They're worried for you and your penis. - They're my fucking, they're my ops. They're making me fucking insecure recently. So chill out, chill out. - You guys are making me feel really good about myself. - But keep talking about me positively. - Keep talking about me positively. - You guys have been so like, oh my God, she's so hot. She's gorgeous. And I'm just like, oh my God, stop. I mean, no one's calling me funny.

They're like, oh, Drew doesn't take care of himself. Oh, Drew's so annoying. Oh, Drew has an average penis. Oh, Drew's body is disgusting. I feel like the penis thing is what really bothered you. No, what really bothered me was someone called my body disgusting. That's mean. Your body is hot. I like your body. No, I have a disgusting body. I know I have a disgusting body. That's not true. I would have sex with you. No, I wouldn't. But that's because you're... We don't have to get into that. I got cupping done, y'all. I got cupping done.

on my back and no one warned me that it was literally the most painful thing I've ever had done to my body in my life. And now I'm scared because I've always wanted cupping done because I'm like, oh, that sounds so nice. Like a, like just like a bit of pressure and like, like is, in my head there's like heat involved. But I think now they use the ones where like they put a fucking like thing to it and they're like a tire pump and they're like, phew, phew.

Yeah, for the people that don't know, cupping is when you go to the masseuse and they fart in their hand and they cup it in your face like that. So you have to smell their farts. Yeah, it was weird. And it gives you bumps on your back. Yeah, because it's shit particles going into my fucking bloodstream. No, it's when they put all those cups on your back and then they basically give you giant fucking hickeys. But...

I didn't know it hurt as bad as it hurt. And I know you're probably like, oh, you're being such a little bitch. Like, it didn't hurt that bad. No, it literally hurt because, one, she, like, suctioned them, like, way too much. I think it might have been her first fucking time doing it. Two, she left it on for... To be fair, the massage parlor we go to is, like, pretty janky. It's busted as fuck. No offense. I love it there, and I'll always go. But, like, I've had, like...

people who give me massages there who are literally just like this. Like,

No, they like pet you. I had a massage done there one time where they like literally were doing construction above my head and the ceiling was putting dust all over my back. And when I flipped over and looked up, dust was falling into my fucking eyes because people were doing construction upstairs during my peaceful massage. Also, I've been there before getting a massage and one of the workers was in the room next door watching like telenovelas on their phone loud as fuck.

Fuck. So the whole time I was getting the massage, all I heard was like, like, like literally like it was like silly show. And I was like, cool. Okay. I'm not relaxed. That's Captain Cooked.

Arrgh, I'm Captain Cook. Ew, I hate the... Arrgh, argh, I'm Captain Cook. Why did they make that the sound for pirates? Like, what the fuck does that have to do with pirates? Arrgh, me matey. Oh, what is it? I don't know. Look that up while I finish telling this because I didn't... One, she...

sucked the fuck out of my back two she left them on for like 25 minutes which is far too long and i swear to god like when she was like taking them off by the end because she did half of my massage first then she put them on and then she just left the room for a little bit and it hurt so bad i like had tears like forming in my eyes and then she started taking them off 20 minutes later and

And she got one off and then she moved to the second one and she tried to get it off and she shook it a little bit and it wouldn't fucking come off. And I wanted them off so bad at that point and I started like internally panicking. And then she couldn't get it off and she left the room for like three minutes. It felt like my skin was like ripping. It hurt so bad. And then...

She started taking them off and like there were like four specifically that were hurting me so bad. She left those ones for last for some reason. And I was like, I almost was like, hey, can you get this one off? And then like, but every time I moved it, like ripped my skin a little more. It was so miserable. I'm really curious. I want to go to a different spot and get cupping and see if that's how it's supposed to be. But I feel like there has to be one of y'all out there who's like a cupping fanatic who could tell us if that's how that's supposed to feel. But yeah.

I feel like we would know. Like, I don't, I think people would be like, it hurts. Yeah, like, I mean, afterwards, like,

Let me finish. So I like, she starts like wiping my back down and I guess there was a liquid coming out of my back because the rag was literally like neon pink, which was fucking crazy. And she just laid it next to me. And I was like, what the fuck just happened? And I swear to God, y'all, my back was like, like I, I, I thought it would help with my back pain. Cause my lower back hurts all the time, like 24 seven, 24,

literally just like a dull pain. And then like when I walk around a lot, like my left leg hurts really bad. And that was happening recently 'cause we like went to like Halloween. So I was like, oh, maybe this will help out a little bit. - You went to Halloween. - Yeah, maybe this will help out a little bit for me or maybe this will help me out a little bit. Y'all it made my back pain

So much worse. Like literally did not help me at all. It felt like I had fucking bruises all over my back because I literally did. I'm going to insert that picture right here. Like that was the craziest thing. She went down to his butt crack. Like you had one straight on like half your crack. I was like, damn, she was trying to suck the poop

No, she was really trying hard. She was like, this man's constipated. I'm going to suck shit out of him. No, I had to warn her. I was like, by the way, I'm like really constipated. Like, please don't, if you like touch my stomach, don't go hard because I don't want you to perforate my colon. I swear to God. She's going to do like a zit popping video, but with your colon. Yeah. But that picture is gnarly. It's really fucked up. I know. Are you going to like blur your butt crack or just show the world your crack? I'm going to like crop it out. Oh. Yeah.

That sucks. I wish you guys could see his butt crack. No, because they'd probably... I actually think people would... Actually, I might not even fucking put that picture up because someone's going to have some fucking shit to say about my nasty fucking gross body. No, no, no. Apparently. Well, I found a guy on TikTok whose whole thing is like this really shitty... Like, that's crazy. It's so dark. Did you look up pictures to see how dark the cupping spots were supposed to be when you finished?

Uh, no, I didn't. You probably should have because I wonder if like what if that is but there's I'm sorry. Actually, no, there's just no way it feels like that. I feel like people would be like just got copy. None. I'm in so much pain like people are no, I'm so relaxed. I was definitely being a bitch like it definitely is not that bad. It's not as bad as I make it sound genuinely, but it hurt me. Also pirates didn't really say arc like they don't know that some bitch was just like me maybe it literally became popular in a random film.

It became popular in the film Treasure Island in 1950. But nobody knows...

why the fuck he did that he just took his own kind of like with the joker like no one knows why they were singing they kind of just decided to sing um but i found a guy on tiktok whose whole thing is like this really stupid trick where it looks like he takes his torso off and like walks oh i saw that video that's his did you go through his page that's his whole fucking gag that's literally his whole page and what was he doing i think he was at like um

I just saw him walking down the street and he did it. I saw a video where he was doing some shit. Like it was like a paid promotion. And like, he was like the act for some show. It was like the opening of a basketball game or it was something like that. Like some big event. He was there. He did his trick. And I was like, okay, weird. Like, I wonder if he got paid to go and do that. Like, what else does he do? And I went through his page. That is quite literally all.

all he does and once I find a page like that on TikTok where there's somebody who's like super popular it's like Zach King is that the guy's name the magician once you're down the video editor yeah or

what he's not a he's like not a magician he's a he's a video editor like like i'm sorry once you are posting tiktoks via a dslr it's time to pack it i know like we don't need to see those fucking pores we really don't need to yeah i don't want to see this sharp ass video on my iphone i'm supposed to see like degenerate like stupid comedic videos it's supposed to be your phone yeah exactly your phone is taken out of your pocket you record the video and you

upload it. Like that's what I want to see. The magic of Tik TOK. It's like on vine. When people started doing that on vine, do you remember at the end, people would start uploading DSLR content and it just made no sense. Like 8k video, 8k video on vine.

They've been doing that on TikTok recently, like 160 frame video or whatever, frame per second video, and it crashes iPhones. Did you ever get that? No, I didn't see that. Yeah, there's videos that they uploaded on TikTok that only Androids could see. We haven't had the text that crashes iPhone in a while. Has iPhone just fixed their shit that you can't just crash someone's phone like that anymore? Because remember that text that would literally just turn your fucking phone off? Yeah, we need to make that the title of this episode. The word? Yeah.

Or no, the text. The text. Yeah, like the logos. Because it was literally just like a bunch of symbols. It looked like star, like a shooting star. Yeah, I think they patched that like almost immediately. But that shit was so fucking fun. I had so much fun sending that to people. Could you like tweet it and then like crash everybody's phone? No, I think that was the thing because I got mine from Twitter. Like somebody had uploaded it to Twitter and that's how I found it. And I copy and pasted it from there and started texting it around. And I literally sent it to easily like 20 people in my fucking eye.

phone i was like i'm literally turning all of y'all's phones off especially people who weren't texting me back i sent the fuck out of that shit like if you weren't texting me back i was sending that to your phone get crashed bitch oh literally the iphones be like crash out i'm having a crash out

The iPhones after getting that text, oh, I'm crashing out. Damn. Damn, I forgot. Damn, I forgot. Damn, I forgot. Damn, I'm crashing out. Wait, what is that? What were they asking her? How many equal sides does an isosceles triangle have? None. Or how many corners does it have? No, it was how many sides. Yeah, equal sides. And she was like, none. And then they were, damn, I forgot. When she said, three? Three?

honestly i really can't get on her because what is it two is it two i can't i don't even know okay yeah it's the two like top one the bottom one is different okay but you scared the fuck out of me because we just we just presented isosceles triangles recently if you're a constant watcher a consecutive watcher i can't remember what i did but i'm killing isosceles triangles now

you're killing them yeah because it was fuck marry kill but i don't remember my answers oh i said i was gonna kill the perfect triangle what's it called equilateral yeah i was gonna kill that that's that is odd behavior because i'm marrying the equilateral triangle we don't have to get back into it like you're but it's your choice you do what you want i do what i want what's the one that's not equal isosceles equilateral and then you don't look at me i don't fucking know i'm no i'm trying to think of it

Damn, I forgot. Damn, I forgot. Damn, I forgot. This episode of Emergency Intercom is brought to you by Shopify. Y'all, it's that time of year. You know how hectic it can get owning a business. It is the holidays and people are buying things. And I think you as a business owner need to be prepared properly. So the whole thing goes seamlessly, y'all. And that's where Shopify comes in. Nobody does it better than Shopify.

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Well, I had a crazy migraine all day and I laid down to take a nap and I immediately knocked down. I woke up the least gracious wake up ever. I was drenched in sweat laying on my stomach and I woke up like, and I literally made a sound when I woke up because I was like, oh my God. And then I woke up and it was dark and there is something so jarring about going to sleep when it is bright as fuck outside. And I woke up and I was like, oh my God, I woke up and it was dark and there is something so jarring about going to sleep when it is bright as fuck outside.

and waking up to darkness. Like it just, just like a sadness. It's sadness. Yeah. It's like sadness creeps over me and I'm like, I am such a piece of shit. It's like, I can't believe I did this. Like, I can't believe I've done this. We shouldn't be doing this. We should not be doing this. Yeah. Napping.

I think is simultaneously the greatest thing and the worst thing you can do because... I genuinely hate naps. Yeah, I mean, I love naps and I've been trying recently not to take as many naps because like I feel disgusted with myself after I wake up. But...

When I sleep for like... I only take like... I try to take like 26-minute naps. That's like the sweet spot scientifically, whatever. It doesn't fucking matter. But if I go past like 45 minutes, oh, bitch. Like I wake up with like a raging migraine. Like I'm shaking in fatigue. Like I literally feel like I have HIV or some shit. Like it's literally like all of the same symptoms. Like I get fever. I feel like I have the flu. Like, oh, my God, it's horrible. But...

That sweet spot. I like, if I like when we go out and I take my quick little power nap before like, oh, I feel like a brand new fucking purse. I feel like a brand new person. No, I can't do fucking naps, bitch. Like, because I just want to sleep through the night. I genuinely, I am somebody who I can sleep for fucking ever. And I don't do well. I don't bode well with the short naps because I'm like. Oh, shout out Bodie. Yeah. Shout out Bodie. I don't bode well. Shout out Bodie. Yeah. Oh,

But I fucking hate a short nap. It pisses me off. I hate a short king. I literally just hate a short king. I feel like we have a lot of short, like the men who do brave it out and listen to this, I feel like are short kings. No, see, I'm thinking the men that brave it. Oh, like the straight men. Yeah. The gay men that listen, they're all tall. Yeah. All the gay guys who listen, tall. Actually, I take back the twink comment. I don't think y'all are twinks.

Unless you want to be. And then you can live that life. You can choose to live that life. You can be that, but like, do you? Literally do you. Drew you. Drew you, boo. Speaking of Drew you, bitch. Okay, so Addison just released Aquamarine. We don't have to get into it. It's Monday. This is going up on Friday. You've already heard all the conversations about it.

masterpiece of a song I fear she I mean been claiming it she's the next pop girl she's gonna have her moment but I don't think she's gonna be like thrusted into like pop star status like an Ariana Grande or Olivia Rodrigo just yet eventually it will be a thing but it's gonna take some time to get there because she still has to like convince people that she's not the old Addison and she's like this new perceived or new woman to be perceived but

In that fucking song, I don't know if you heard it, but she texted me afterwards and she was like, by the way, made this for you. I was like, made what? And she was like, make a TikTok to it. And I was like, what the fuck? And she was like, oh, you haven't heard this song yet. I was like, no, listen to it. When she said, when, I'll just play it for you. I'll just play it for you. You're going to be fucking gagged. Cause I didn't realize it either. Like what? I'm confused. Cause I've heard the song. I've actually heard it a lot. I've been saving onto this. It's coming.

Me when I'm talking about Christ. Give me Drew. Give me Drew. Drew, she's saying more. It's literally like I think you're having the schizophrenia Disney adults have when they see the hidden Mickeys. You're seeing hidden Drews now. No, Lana also did it. Lana also said my name.

No, Lana said my name. I'll give it to you. A lot of people say your name. It's very common, but... Give me truth. Like, that's the biggest stretch of that joke you've ever done. When I saw you write that,

And I was like, what does that mean? I thought there was a part of the song where she actually at least sounded like it because Drew let the light in. Oh, I also forgot to mention that I was wearing this today because we did a very special interview that I was really excited for that I wanted to dress dapper for and I did not want to change before the podcast. But I did bring that up in the interview. And the person who was interviewing us was like, what?

Well, I got into funny road rage. I took my friend to the airport today. Oh. Be attack challenge. Yeah, everybody. Ow. Oh, my God. I just went to fucking like push my hair back and my finger went all the way up my goddamn nose. I hope you could see that. I think I like literally have a bloody nose.

I've never had a bloody nose, which I hate. That's sad. Like, I want a bloody nose. Let's just go do a bunch of blow. Mm-hmm. Let's get you fucked up. I didn't even think about that. That is, like, such an easy way to get that. Yeah, no, I used to have them really, really fucking bad when I was a kid. Like, wake up. You were doing blow when you were a child? Yeah, when I was 12, I fucking raged. I went crazy, y'all. You were hitting. She's a snow queen from Dallas. Yeah.

How do you make your tongue so skinny when you do that? They can't see. Looks fake. Well, I got into crazy road rage at the airport today. I was like,

Going to pull in and I couldn't tell if this woman what were they driving? They were driving like a smaller Audi. Do you get the license plate? No, okay, cuz I'm just saying go kill him for you. Oh, thank you How was a girl or guy it was how old white lady? Okay, I'm gonna kill her I'm gonna kill the next old white lady. I see. Oh, thank you. Yeah, like actually means so much to me Yeah, also do you saw the headache? Yes Listen here

Enya's brain. My best friend, my lover's brain. If you don't fucking stop hurting my friend, I'm gonna get really angry and I'm gonna take you out of there and shake you up and make a brain slushie. Stop fucking hurting my friend.

Did it feel better? I was disassociating a bit. So when I was disassociating, yes, it did feel better. I actually might have made it worse because you were yelling into my ear. In his ear. In his ear, stop hurting my friend. But I got into crazy road rage. I was like pulling up, trying to get to the curb. And this woman, I couldn't tell if she was eating or not. And I wasn't even like, I hadn't blocked her in or anything yet.

I was being mindful. I was being very mindful of other drivers. And I was like, okay, I'm not going to lock her in. But she did some shit that pissed me off. Technically, I guess I started this and this is very immature of me, but I was not having it. But she turned to me and like, I hadn't moved my car. I hadn't blocked her in, but she turned to me and she goes,

And like starts yelling at me through the window. Oh my God, you fucking loser. She's like, hello? Like I could only imagine this is what she was saying because I was trying to read her lips, but she was like, hello? Like I need to leave. I need to leave. Bitch.

If you don't chill, the fuck out. So I laid on my fucking horn, which I fucking hate when people do. But I like, I just like literally I was holding my steering wheel like this. And my immediate reaction to her yelling at me is I started laughing and then I went beep and I honked at her and she was like, and she like hit the horn back. And I was like, I like hit it a few times and I was laughing really hard. She was like,

And like opened her door. And that face you make is so fucking funny. Dude, that's what she was doing. She's like, she's like, like just so like shocked. Like her fucking jowls hit her knees. Like she was pissed at me. Oh, hell no. And she, I was like, oh, bitch, you, I don't,

You have three more days left to live. She opened her door and was about to get out of the car. And she's looking at me and she's getting out of the car to, I guess, come up to me. And then I started laughing really hard. And my friends in the passenger seat just laughing at her, too. So then I was like, I started being like, come here.

And I like was like going like this to her. And she was like, like literally verbally like screamed like that. And then got back in her car and looked at me and moved up to like block me. So then she moved her car in front of me and blocked me. And then she honked. She really had places to go, but she really needed to block me. Was wasting her time. But she fucked up because she like parked right in front of me to block me off.

at this point everyone's watching and I'm laughing and usually when stuff like that happens and people are watching I'm like this is kind of embarrassing but I was like honestly she fucking started it and you're old and haggardy bitch choose your battles because you don't have much stamina left in this lifetime and she parked her car right in front of me so that like I was like this is dumb as fuck bitch because I'm about to blow your ears out and I just literally boo and she was like literally

That is so funny. And then I was like, I was like, started kissing, like, like blowing kisses. And then she was trying to match my energy. And she was like, and like started sticking the middle finger out. And I was dying laughing. She could not match your freak. And then. That's for damn sure. She. Did you hear that? That reference? Yeah. She couldn't match your freak at all. Yeah.

And then she drove off embarrassed. And then when I got out, I was like laughing and helping my friend get their bags out of my car. And I was like, I'm so sorry. I just did that in front of you. Like, that's so annoying. And we were cracking up. We were like, no, it's funny. And then this younger duo who was behind us, like this guy came up and he was like, fuck that.

fuck that lady. She was being such a bitch to you. And I was like, thank you. I'm glad someone else saw this. And all women are bitches. Exactly. That's why we need a podcast. Yeah, exactly. Okay. Should we have a fake podcast conversation where we're like acting like straight male podcasters? I mean, that's very easy for me because that's what I am. Okay. So, oh wait, I literally just sounded gay and was playing with my hair.

Oh, boo. Okay, let's talk like straight guys. So, the gaggery. Wait, what was the Chai GBT say to us? The gaggery of it all. When you're ready to spill your tea. Yeah.

I was hooking up with this fucking nasty bitch with huge fucking tits and her fucking pussy. Oh, how big were the tits? Dude, they were almost too big and I love big tits. Like, I would love, like... Are you a tits guy or a boob guy? Honestly... Or a tits or butt guy? I'm, like, kind of a, like, I'm a bit of both. Like, both need to be perfect. Really? Yeah. I'm more of a personality guy. Yeah, right. Yeah, right. You sound fucking right, bro. You're crazy. No, I'm more of a tits guy myself. Oh, okay. Cool, cool. I...

And when there's hairs, I pull them out one by one until I find a nerve ending. And then I rip out the nerve ending. Oh, my God. It sends electric shocks through their body. No, because you know why that just freaked me out? It reminded me, remember when I was convinced for one single day and I did nothing about it that I had breast cancer? This is kind of gross. Well, actually, it's literally because every time, it's like clockwork. I have enias period down like clockwork. I know.

I mean, I don't have to talk about your fucking period. But Inya, before her period, every single time thinks she has breast cancer. Because my boobs just hurt so bad. And I'm like, this pain, this pain is not normal. But I will be going and getting a mammogram because I decided that I need to take that part of my health very seriously. And I need to go get my pap smears. And I need to get a mammogram. And I need to say... I always thought pap smears were the mammogram. No, pap smears, they literally put a fucking wrench in your pussy and stick a claw up there. And they're like...

It's like they literally treat your pussy like a cotton candy machine. They go in there and they're like, woo! Let's get the slime. Slime collector simulator. Yeah, let's get the discharge. Every time they go up in a girl, it's like a blind box because it's like, what color is the discharge going to be? And the mystery, you always want the mystery one. The mystery one is green gunk. And scene. Scene.

Oh, was that us talking? Oh, but I don't think I've talked about this on the podcast. But now that enough time has passed, I think I can say it. One time, this is gross. One time I had an infected hair follicle on my nipple and it literally squirted out so much pus. And I thought it was a nerve ending coming out of my boob. And I sat on the floor in the gym having a true panic attack like crazy.

panic attacks for me are rare, but I was in the bathroom on the floor, literally just like, I felt that like dull pain hit my chest. And then I was taking a shower and I was like, I couldn't breathe in the shower. And I was just like,

Oh my God. And that's how I know I'm a pussy and all my suicidal ideation is fake. Exactly. In that moment, I was like, I'm going to die. I can't believe I'm going to die. But that's different because I'm just going to die. I want to die in a spectacular way and it's going to be by my own hand. I want to die in a spectacular way. I'm not kidding. I'm like, I'm going to do my death big. It's going to be big. It's going to be a big moment. Like, it really is. If I live to like 75, 80, and I'm just like, honestly, I'm done. I'm either going to like smoke heroin till I fucking die.

But then I was thinking about that and I was like, that's embarrassing because like smoking heroin. What is like a spectacular way to die? I was thinking I'd blow myself up like a Mr. Beast video with fireworks included and then give away all the money inside of a red Ferrari. And it'd be behind a Patreon paywall that all the money gets donated to like a cause that I like feel for.

And I won't be having kids. Give girls more boob jobs. Yes. It'd probably go to y'all's kids. Or spread between y'all's kids and my family's. I'm talking about that like I can literally do that and legally I couldn't do that. No, like every time I get on an airplane I fantasize about it crashing. Never mind. And thinking about like... You surviving? No, thinking about me dying and how many people would talk about me after I die. But then I sober up and I'm like, oh wait, I wouldn't know that.

i don't get to read girl i'm trying to i know for a fact for at least 20 minutes i'm trending number one on you better pray to god the super bowl isn't happening at that time there's not like a halftime show or fucking like somebody someone dies you better pray to god addison ray doesn't release another single when you die i know it's over it's captain cooked captain for me but wait what were you saying oh panic attacks

y'all i've been doing this thing i'm paralyzed i'm paralyzed i'm paralyzed i'm paralyzed i'm paralyzed no guys seriously i was paralyzed i was just paralyzed guys no seriously um but last night and you came home late and i had fallen asleep before she had gotten back and i did this i've been doing this thing like in the last like two years where like i wake up in the

completely no reason why with my heart just like pounding and I did that last night and I proceeded to have like a Gnarly gnarly panic attack like a 16 year old drew panic attack I don't know if y'all know this but when I was 16 I was having like the worst panic attacks anxiety in my life like it was horrible rants I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy, but if you're dealing with that right now, just know Soon you'll be a podcaster

Soon you'll become a podcaster. That might actually, if somebody suffers from like a panic disorder, that might make it worse. That actually might literally freak them out. But I did it last night. Like, and you came home, like scared me awake. And then like, I wasn't upset with Enya, but for some reason I was just like viscerally angry. Like I wasn't angry at anything, but I just had anger flowing through my body. It was like really crazy vibes. Yeah.

I have hormones running through my body that make me want to have sex with you. Oh, meow. No, that part for real. Dude, I'm so sad. Drew's going to Texas tomorrow and like,

we've been so busy that we haven't had a proper day of sitting on the actually that is literally a fucking lie we like three times we watched a whole season of fucking nurse jackie this week but that's like work though i know yeah it's a part of the job i was making the props for the podcast while we were doing that so it doesn't count like i want to just sit on the couch and get nasty and stinky yeah watch tv with you but you're fucking leaving i know

You don't miss me until I'm gone. You're gonna miss me when I'm gone. No, that's literally it. See? Listen up, y'all. Y'all are all gonna miss me when I'm fucking gone and you're gonna not make fun of my nasty, gross body. Okay? I want a few more edits of me. Like, I've seen good edits, but, like, I need, like, a good edit, but I'll get y'all the content for that. I don't think I've been getting them enough content. Let me know if you guys think I'm lacking on the content of me being beautiful, because, like, I know the editors are looking for a specific vibe.

They're gonna clip that and make an edit out of me rolling my eyes. Us, like, clip farming so hard to all want to be edited. Let me try to get, like, an Inya edit. No, I'm not gonna be able to channel it right now. Wait, what do you mean? Like, angry? No, no, like... Like, and, like, if a man is there, I'm gonna fucking kill him with my bare fucking hands.

Honestly, I'm glad that's... Oh, what was that last one? The last one looked like you were drunk and about to throw up. No, velocity edit that. Oh, it's going to eat. I can see it now. I can picture it now. I'm glad that people will always identify my voice with the voice of hating men. That makes me happy. It's a voice of reason, truly. But I do love men. There are men in my life who I do love. I want to make that very clear. Poor men.

There's like five. Will I ever be procreating with a man? Hell the fuck no. Not going to happen. Not on, and especially not on my watch. Like, I'm sorry, I won't get into it because I talk about it so often. But like having kids and getting married to me is a death sentence. Like, I'm not kidding. Like putting me in a situation where like I would, I'll date a man. Like whatever. Like, yeah, like let's have fun.

You want to fucking lock me away and hold me hostage and make me bear children? You're a fucking killer. Pervert. You're literally the pervert fucking killer monster, evil, evil, demon, dark. Now serve. Now serve. No, like give, like give. I like can't. You've done it enough this episode. But-

I actually, I unironically didn't mean to say that, but you can't bring that up to me because I really skip to thinking. I get to thinking it's literally a death sentence. Like the idea of that feels like somebody's putting me in the thing where my head is through like the hole and everybody's watching me. Like, yeah, it's like, it might as well be a guillotine to me. It's like getting stoned in the fucking town square. Well, y'all, we did a thing. Like we really, we really did a thing. Everybody will know.

-We finally met Tricia. -It was amazing. I was terrified of her. -I was shaking in my boots a little bit, but it was genuinely like--

Like I was gooped and gagged. Like I can't, I very rarely get gooped and gagged. Like when Beyonce was like 16 feet away from me, like I was gooped and gagged. Like when Trisha Paytas hugged me, I was gooped and gagged. I know. Also like it was, we did a shoot with Petra for her brand, I'm Sorry on Essence. And she asked us to be a part of it. And it was Holly Madison, Cherry Jo and Trisha Paytas. And me and Drew were like, duh, we're going to be there.

And I guess they hadn't told anybody else that we were going to be there. So Trisha, when she saw us, was like, oh, my God. Like, was so shocked. And so was Terry. And it was fucking awesome. And it was such a fun shoot. And I had so much fun. I love Petra. I love everybody who was there. Holly was so nice. And Trisha...

Made fun of us. Yeah, she made fun of us right to our fucking face. No, no. It was literally, it was the most like, it was so funny and so sweet. I love it so much. I have it written down. We were talking to her about our Halloween costumes. Yeah, and she was like, oh, you already did your Halloween costumes. And I was like, yeah, yeah, like here's a video of them. And it was like the video Anya posted on her account. And like, it's the most...

obscure like esoteric niche internet knowledge that like no sense I don't even I was like impressed by how many people interacted with that post and I was like it's kind of amazing that that many people liked that fucking TikTok that many people don't know what the fuck is yeah they have no they have no idea what the fuck was they're looking at they're looking at nonsense and so like Trisha had like the

normal reaction of just being like oh like she literally she literally basically did like oh okay like that audio in real life and she was like huh like you guys are like weird and me and drew immediately started laughing and she corrected herself but like in a good way in a good way and i was like no we're fucking weird it's okay you can

could say that to us and like it was just so sweet because I feel like she wasn't saying it to be mean she's like the sweetest person I've ever met and but me and Drew were just laughing so hard and I think she thought we were making like she was making fun of us it was a compliment we literally did we were like thank you so much

I genuinely don't know if there's anything that Trisha could say to me that would hurt my feelings. Yeah. She's like, I don't know. She was like, she's literally mother. Yeah. She was just so nice to us. And we got into a conversation about how she thought we were really funny. And we were like, that's so funny because we think you're funny. And she was like, oh, I don't really find myself to be funny. I don't think I'm a funny person. Me and Drew were like, you were literally tripping because you are funny.

so fucking funny. Like there are a few people on this planet who are just to be born naturally funny. I feel like we're funny, but we definitely have to work on it. Like we had to hone in on what makes us funny and we have to like think of like things to be funny and she is just so naturally funny. It was so awesome and we were just cracking up. Also, we sent...

We sent the video in our group chat and Christian goes, I'm genuinely so proud of you guys. Yeah, yeah. Our friend Christian, like we made a TikTok with Trisha and Terry. And we sent it to our friends because we were like, oh, everybody's going to be gagged by this. And Christian was like, no, like on a real note, like I'm genuinely so proud of you. I'm like actually so fucking proud.

I'm fucking proud of you. Yeah, and it was very sincere and real. And I was like, yeah, honestly, this was a big moment. Legitimately a big moment. But yeah, big things coming. Well, shall we get into some media? Some media? Yeah. Oh, my media of the week is... Wait, before, I have one PSYOP. Oh, yeah. Wait, Drew...

Give me Drew... Psyop Drew... Psyop I only have one. Funerals are way too expensive. Air fry my body when I die.

get all crispy. I just imagine your body like this big and crispy. Yeah, like when you put a chip bag in the microwave and it shrinks. That's what happens to my body and people like will run a knife over my body to show how crispy my skin got. Oh, actually, I want to talk about this because we were talking about our friends with this and specifically

Josiah was like no no no that's awful but I was saying okay actually no now I feel like people are gonna make fun of me because I was saying I love Azul so much that like part of me does want to get him taxidermied when he died and I think that is a very very polarizing idea people are like very like it's just polarizing they're super down for it

or you think it's disgusting horrifying um but i really either want to do that or i would get his little paw and i want a paw or his tail because i love him so much oh i love it so much also like y'all can't even get on me because bitch i have a fucking box of cat dust and some of my other cat's hair just sitting around how uneventful like that it

cat dust is crazy it's literally fucking cat dust like I can't like I can't look at it and be like aww like she looks like her my little Eddie like bitch it's a fucking bowl of ash and it could very well like just be dust they collected from the place no it literally could be like also I don't believe that they're like

my cat to ash in a new container. They're probably fucking burning a bunch of them and being like, here's a little bit for this bitch. You got like 14 cats. I got like somebody else. You got a tabby. Yeah. I got a coyote in there for sure. Like I got random shit. I probably got dogs in there. But yeah, let me know what y'all think. Actually don't. Y'all are also, I need to make it very clear. You're allowed to talk about me.

But not in a way that hurts my feelings. This is your proof that you haven't been in a romantic relationship because you haven't thought about how you're going to communicate with them yet. Like you haven't thought through your emotions and then brought it to them. Yeah, I did. Yeah, you're giving them mixed emotions. You're being mean to them. Like, guys, well, they were mean to me first. OK, guys, seriously, be nice. Thank you. Now you guys are OK. Now you guys have to go on a fancy date. You're paying. Are we good?

Everybody say we're good. I know there's at least one high bitch out there who like, smiled. We're good. Um,

I need a TikTok of you saying we're good. Actually, no, we need to like do. Well, we'll write something out for the next episode. But I want to scare because I love the way y'all interact online for us because it adds to the lore of the podcast. So next episode, we'll script out a little thing where we're leaving gaps for y'all to respond. And I want y'all to record your screen and be talking to your fucking computer. That's hilarious. So that other people find it or like.

-Wait, how do they record this? That's actually so funny. -We'll leave pockets. We'll make it an easy joke for you all to make or we'll write the joke for you so you guys can respond and then it's even freakier because all of you all are saying the same joke. We'll make it work. -We'll figure it out, but just be ready for that. -My media of the week is What's His Name with Piers Morgan.

Fucking Hannibal Lecter. Arm and hammer. Yeah, arm and hammer. Army hammer. Him trying to defend his weird ass fucking life. Bitch, fuck you. Him being, Piers Morgan going, are you a cannibal? And him going, do you know what you have to do to be a cannibal? It's like my favorite line. You have to eat people. You have to eat people. Yeah.

Me and Nia are going to recreate that word for word. Yeah, so stay tuned for that. My media of the week is the fact that the Mars rover has been on Mars for a fucking decade and has only traveled 20 miles.

bitch what the fuck are you doing up there like it actually pissed me off when i found that out like literally we spent billions getting you up there and you're only gonna walk fucking 20 miles or scoot around like it's not even walking it's like like barely rolling is like the travel up there just like lagged out why is it so little i don't know it like literally pissed me off i couldn't even read any more about it but i was like are you kidding me i thought it was like traversing the whole fucking planet i guess naively because it's only traveled like

like literally two miles a year. Two miles a year. I walk that. I can do 20 miles in a day. Yeah, I walk that in literally a day. Like get a fucking grip. I do that at Disneyland. Also, why has Taylor Swift been on tour for literally three fucking years? She's like Frankie Valli. She's gonna be Frankie Valli. Like who the fuck made her?

made her sign what contract i'm not hating at all i just genuinely want to know like how the fuck does she do that i hope she she like performs until she's really old something about that is like kind of kind when a girl does that i'm like per but it is crazy like damn she is big like that huh um my oh i was gonna say but my real media is i went and saw megalopolis

And that was the single greatest movie I've ever seen in my life. I think all the hate up for it is very unjust and unwarranted. Oh, you like it? Did you give it five stars on Leatherbox? I'm a contrarian. Yeah. No, that was the best worst movie I've ever seen in my life. That was fucking horrible in every single word. I know, I want to see like the first hour of it. I don't need to commit anymore. Yeah, no, it was rightfully...

made fun of into oblivion because there's like so many moments that i'm just like actually what the fuck was going on but i will say i left with a full heart because it just made me think about how um in his head like

The idea behind the movie is like this is like his legacy. This is what he wants to leave behind. This is like where he wants the world to end up. It was really cute in that sense. And you could just feel just like a bunch of things that an aging man person in general goes through. And you can feel that in the movie. But

Yikes. Like I heard like some horror stories on set. Like he would like be late to shooting because he was just like smoking hella weed in his trailer and then he'd stumble out and be like. Because he's like 400 years old directing a movie. Also, he sold his fucking winery for it. Like it's cute. Oh, that's kind of sad. But I guess he doesn't need it if he's like that fucking old. No, he doesn't give a fuck. He's just one of this made.

He got it made, but he ruined independent filmmaking. No one's ever going to trust anybody ever again. Well, my media of the week is Wichita 2 by Harper's Bazaar, Time by Culture Club, and Crying in the Rain by Carole King.

Such good songs. Time won't give me time. And time makes lovers feel. My other media is Bliss Bay 8. B-I-L-S-B-A-E. Number 8.

I'm so obsessed with people who are so good at art in our community putting time into that. There is something so magical about it. No, it's truly a beautiful thing. Oh, also, one last thing and then we can for real go. But let me send this to Kai. Oh, yeah. Like...

I do want to say, I feel like we don't talk about it often enough, but to end up this episode, I want to say... At Matt's underscore creations. Go check them out. I do want to say you guys are fucking awesome. And I'm so happy. We talked about it for literally an hour today in our interview. Like, bitch, we are so fucking blessed. And I mean it to my fucking core.

Yeah, I feel so cliche to say. Like, you guys are so cool and you guys have such a deep understanding of...

just us and it feels awesome and I feel like we're so lucky and y'all are so creative and so good at all the art you make like the amount of cool art I see come out of our community genuinely makes me feel like we got blessed with the fucking masterminds and then I'm like of course of course you freaks are good at art like it only makes sense but literally thank you because um it means a fucking lot I know when I see good art

from you guys. Like, it genuinely... The smile it puts on my face is unironically unreal. And thank you guys for continuing to listen for so long because it's getting to the end of the year and all I can think about is...

i can't believe y'all are still here it's very unreal um but don't forget i'd hit all of you in the face and within an instant and don't talk about my body and don't talk about my body oh you thought oh you thought i was being nice to you you freak don't talk about my girl yeah because i fight

And I haven't fought in a really long time. No. So I'd probably get my ass beat. Nope. But I'd still fight. Yup. And I would lie if I lost. Yup. That's the... I'm not even kidding. Like, bitch, I was sitting outside, like, in the middle of the night on the phone last night at, like, fucking 3 a.m. Sitting on the corner and somebody...

was just walking by with headphones on this like random girl and I looked at her and she was like on a midnight run which I was like girl you are so fucking brave this is dangerous but then I convinced myself that she was crazy and she was gonna come over and beat the fuck out of me and I thought about it I was like would I go on

and lie and say I beat her ass I was like yes the fuck I would um but yeah I just got in a fight and I got my or I beat her ass yeah I fucking I killed her ass like she's out there dead on the floor I think I would I think it would be funny if I got my ass beat like if I initiated if I like it would it would match my energy so well if I got beat I feel like if I got beat up it'd be like oh talking all that shit no it would be fucking win this

win this. I wouldn't let you live it down. If I saw you get your ass beat in you, like, I'd make sure you were okay first and then, like, after a couple weeks, I'd be like... I think that's what would push me to kill myself. You can't win in a fight. Thank you guys for watching. See you next week!