Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
I hate how like high res and like high fucking quality your setup is. And mine is just like yours is staring me. You look like clearer than you do in real life. Also, welcome to this episode of Emergency Intercom. Thank you. Thank you for welcoming me.
We haven't done this in like a month. I know, it's been a while. Oh, here we go. Does it look like I'm looking at the camera when I'm right there? No, it doesn't. I mean, I'm looking at the camera, but if I'm over here... No, why would it look like you're looking at the camera if you're just like fully... No, like right here. I mean, like is my face heading towards the camera? Yes, yes, it is when you look there. Because can you see me when you do that? Yeah. Are you looking at me? Yeah. Yeah.
Why are you looking at me? Stop looking at me. Because you're beautiful.
How have you been? I feel like we haven't spoken in so long. I'm like breaking the ice. I feel like we're on our first. I met you on Twitter and we're on our first like real video Zoom day. Well, things are really awkward. You're a lot different in person than I thought you were. Because I'm texting. I'm really more beautiful. No, quite the opposite, actually. And I just think like.
the way you communicate is like really weird and strange and like a borderline senile and dangerous um oh i i haven't said much so like i thought our date was going pretty good because we've said a total of like maybe 20 words you're a bit of a catfish i asked my siblings that the other day i was like do y'all think i'm like a catfish like do you think i look like
And they were like, what does that mean? And I was like, what? And they didn't know what that meant. So I had to explain to them. And they were like, no, but they didn't give me much feedback, which kind of scared me. Scared you a little bit. So I was like, oh, are they like trying to tell me it looked better on camera? Well, I think you're a catfish. That was a compliment.
oh that's a compliment yeah yeah you're just really good at your job since your job has to do with being on camera like it's just take it as a compliment yeah um is what's up with the cat behind you because it's actually freaking me the it's not real like it can't be real i've been looking at it for so long and it's so confusing it's real it's a cute little kitty it looks real but like no blinking it looks like oh my god i just saw the back of my head
I wasn't looking because I was looking at the cat, but maybe... Can I see the back of your head? No. Please, please. I love you so much. Please show me the back of your head. Is it bad? Oh, I do want to start this episode off by saying trigger warning, um...
um there's size seven font um if you look where our names are vagina and in your man's or in kai newman uh just a quick trigger warning it's going to be size seven font the whole time i'm in trigger warning drew phillips um yeah just wanted to start the episode by saying that why are you warning that because it says vagina or is it just like the size of the font you think the size of the font can be triggering
Specifically me. Well,
What are your predictions for the new year? Let's just jump right into it. It's the new year. Girl, this shit is awkward as fuck. What is going on? What happened? Because I haven't spoken to you in so long. I'm like, I'm nervous. You're making me really nervous. Okay, well, let's let's do let's start it out with our ins and outs because I told you, right, like a list of things that you think are going to be in. Girl, you said write a list of fucking predictions. Yeah, ins and outs. And I said ins and outs. No, it is not. Yes, I did. Because I don't have any outs.
Go you did not say in and out predictions go look at our text. I get it Make a list of predictions look up predictions you say make a list Hit me up again predictions In the doubt
Well, I got a list of ins and outs. Okay, I can... Trust me, like, a girl like me, I can think of outs all day. I can't think of any ins. But I can think of outs all day. Should I... Should we start with ins? Let's start with our ins. Because I have a bunch. Like, this is all in. And each line is a separate new thing. Oh my god, bitch. And then this is all outs. Okay, so in, we have selling your soul.
I don't think I need to elaborate much on that one. Drew, that's basically one of my predictions. Yeah? What is it? Sorry, you froze and I got scared. Oh, you froze a little too. One of my predictions, because you told me to do fucking predictions, bitch, you set me up.
- Is being niche is no longer lit? - I have that one. I literally have, like, being mainstream. That's what I mean by selling your soul is becoming mainstream. I don't mean I'm gonna actually sacrifice being mainstream and shit. I'm just gonna tighten my shit up a little bit. - I agree. - Next is, "In 2023, we need a new pandemic."
I think we need something to reground everybody. And this time, it either has to be all the way and eradicate half of the population, and we just completely kill a lot of people. Maybe we target the youth this time. Or no one dies, and we just all get locked inside for two weeks. I think no one should die. We should just get locked inside. We should just like...
Actually, that's a lie. I don't agree with that in because I don't want to be inside. Yeah, I feel that. I'm for the streets. That's one of my ends is being for the streets. Yeah, honestly, that's like the opposite of mine. Mine is I need to slow down. But then I'm like, oh, I need to be hedonistic and I need to like be as disgusting and grimy as possible because the singularity is coming, which is in War 2023. I don't know what that means. And you keep saying that. You've been saying that for like two weeks and I don't know what that means. Kai?
Oh my god! Yeah? What's up? I heard two years.
-Okay, the singularity is when my dick and Drew's butt come together. -Yes. -And, uh, it's a singularity. -Okay, you're done. How do I kick you? How do I kick him? -No, I can just go myself and then I'll still be-- I can still come in whenever I want. -Oh, okay, okay, okay. -Wait, no, actually, what is that though? What is a singularity? -We're just gonna be one hive mind. We're gonna be a singular being. We're all gonna be linked into our brains with, uh, cybernetics. We're gonna become Terminator.
You keep saying it like it's something way more lit. So that's, like, not the most lit thing ever. I mean, if you think about it... I wouldn't be me because I'm nothing like you bitches. The thing about me is, like, I could never be a part of a singularity because, like... You're individual. I'm nothing like you bitches.
No, it's like the microfication of the world. Everything around us is getting smaller and smaller. Sooner than later, we'll have quantum computers in our hands, which the computing power of those things will be able to predict the future 10 times over. And it's going to be very dangerous and scary. So just be ready. It's going to be terrifying.
- You know what's funny is, a girl like me has been living in a singularity because everybody f-cking, like, wants to be me and, like, loves me. - Yeah, yeah. - So, like, I've low-key been in a singularity. - You low-key have been THE singularity. - Yeah, and it's honestly, like, let's talk about it, it's-- it's traumatic. - Which is-- - Let's talk about how-- - I think we're forgetting the definition which is "Kai's penis entering my butt." So you're Kai's penis entering my butt. - Yes, technically. Technically that's right. Technically.
which is just a little dude i i hate the zoom to say kai newman is talking and it's just him pitching in for that yeah technically technically um okay okay uh i'll do a couple more uh loving thy neighbor unconditionally is in um unless they're a freak bitch which is a caveat but like i think we should all just be a little more loving and loving each other
I think clowns are in this year. Like not like, oh, bitch, you're being a clown, but like literally a clown like balloon animals and shit. I think are going to make a big comeback in 2023. Me getting buccal fat removal is in.
and Kybella in a very big way and I don't give a fuck about these core core videos. Oh, look, where's the cheek fat go? Where did it all go bitch? I hate my cheek fat and it's going gone and I'm gonna become the beauty standard and I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. - I thought you were the beauty standard because you've already said that that's like a really hard thing you struggle with. - Yeah, I tried to kill myself. - Oh my God.
- I did. - That was the most, like, boozy tube-ass shit ever to, like, just say it, like, casually. - Okay, I think roller coasters-- - I tried to kill myself! - I think roller coasters, specifically euthanasia roller coasters, the one that's, like, 13 loops that get smaller and smaller and smaller as they go,
are unfortunately not going to be in but they should be because i want the option to kill myself on a roller coaster um reptile rooms and like reptile halls on youtube are in in a big way um like people showing off the reptiles that they own that they breed and that they buy um getting high on nutmeg um is in
We should all eat a teaspoon of nutmeg and, like, hallucinate and see the shadow people a little bit more. I think standing up too fast... Please don't do that.
Yeah, no, I'm going to do that. There's like at least one 14 year old who's watching who would be like, oh, okay. Yeah. It's literally going to happen. Like, yeah, you can get stuck in psychosis for the next eight years of their life. It'll ruin your life. Don't do it. Standing up too fast, like in a surprising way, like getting high six times away by standing up too fast in, I think like,
we need to recognize that that's fun. Most of your ins sound like medical concerns that you just need to get checked out. Yeah, I did swallow a bunch of dye yesterday. My stomach has been cramping all night. I actually got all the dye out of my mouth except for my teeth. So they look like a little bit wider.
Also, I just realized I have, like, ankle biter teeth on the bottom row. You know what I mean? Like, I'm looking like this here and I'm-- - You do have, like, a bit of an ankle biter mouth. Like, you look like-- you kind of look like if I got into an argument with you in Walmart, I would, like, look at your mouth while you were yelling at me and I'd be like, "I need to chill and tap out. Like, this isn't a fight I'm gonna win." - "I need to get away. I need to run." - Yeah.
And then I think carpet is in in 2023. Not like a carpeted house, but a carpeted bedroom. No, you know what? That's also something I've been, like, thinking about. Like, I've been thinking about that because when I look at apartments in LA, I'm always like, ew, why the fuck is that carpeted? But then I'm like, wait,
Why can carpet be a vibe? But then you really start thinking about it, especially in an apartment. I'm like, I know y'all squirted on this carpet. Someone at some point squirted and squooshed all over this fucking carpet. Yeah, I've cummed on our green carpet in our living room. Climate change is in. I don't want it to be. I don't want it to be. I agree. I've like...
I agree. I've, like, kind of come to terms with it. Like, there was a moment where I was like, oh, my God, like, we need to do something about this. And then I've come to peace. Like, the thing about me is I will make peace with what I can't change. Yeah. And one of those things being climate change. Also, for my ends, like, this is kind of, like, similar to something you said. I was going to say my ends are over. So you can tap in. Okay. So the being niche is no longer lit. Duh.
Coachella is dead. That's actually an out unless but it comes with like, girl, you can't say new words about me because I'm like, it comes with a caveat. Like, belligerent caveat. A gnarly belligerent caveat. Is unless Frank plays.
Oh, yeah. No, I'm not sick. I just did a lot of coke last night. So I like I think I like burned my septum a little bit, but don't do that. Don't fucking do that. Oh, that's one of my ends is me having a drug issue. Actually, I support that. Surprisingly, I support that. I'm with you on that one. To literally no matter what you do support you endlessly. Yeah, especially for the drug habits.
But unless Frank Ocean plays. If Frank plays this year, then it's in. If he doesn't, then literally if you go to Coachella, I'm sorry, loser town. You're over. You're over. You're over. You're over. But that's also we talked about this one Coachella. I know. We talked about this one Coachella happened that I'm just like a hater ass bitch and I just like couldn't like something about it. Just whatever. No, well, I will be attending Coachella. Abercrombie is in for the summer.
summer. Okay, specifically for the summer spring and summer. Did you I think we are referencing the same thing. Did you see that girl that was like doing all the 2000s with the she has so late. Yeah, all the shirts were so lit. Also, like, I've been on that shit. Actually, I was on that shit last year, micro shorts and Abercrombie. I've been doing that for like a while now. So I mean, everything I do, y'all, you were wearing micro shorts. Yeah.
But everything I do, y'all do three months later. Do you have a picture and preferably a video where you pass your phone between your legs and grab it from the back? Oh, I do have one of my gooch and balls hanging out on my micro shorts. Can I move the sliver of Jean to the side and give you a rug burn friction burn while I move it to see your taint? Yes. Yes. But yeah, everything I do, y'all do five years later.
- Me, you say that, I'm like, "Oh no, wait, you don't have a tank, you have a bitch." I have a tank. - Respect, respect. - But in smoking cigarettes, I just think it's in, like, especially because now that like, puff bars and stuff, and like, I do understand, like, part of me was thinking this 'cause one of the things I wrote down, like, I was low-key being dead ass because I have a new paranoia and fear, and I'm gonna talk to you about it in a second.
but i was like gonna say something i was like wait i look you need to remember that like i do have influence and i can't fear monger people and like like i have like not that i think anybody's like i think the majority of people who watch us like find smoking cigarettes repulsive which i've learned because you bitches love to tell me you think it's disgusting that i like occasionally she smokes like a cigarette once a month
I'm sure a lot of y'all have noticed we don't have many ads anymore. And you're probably thinking, wow, oh my God, I feel so bad for them. They deserve ads. But we're doing our job. You're not doing your job. You need to fucking subscribe and engage with me or I will never do my job again. I like, I can't believe I miss reading ads. I like, I miss the taste.
actually the last week we were in la you smoke you would be like you would come into my room and be like true can you come outside and smoke a cigarette and i was like no just and you were like can i smoke it in the bathroom i know you were like i don't want to go out there you know what it is before i left i was doing like my dinner catch-ups with everybody and then i would always get like two to three drinks and like
Two drinks and I'm going to smoke a pack of cigarettes. No, simply. Like, it's a duo. But, yeah. Smoking cigarettes is in. And why do we low-key need to buy iodine pills? Iodine pills? Yeah, why do we low-key need to buy those? Like the yellow ones?
No, iodine, like, anti-radioactive. Yeah, the end of the world. Yeah, no, we should buy some. Like, why does low-key everybody needs to stock up on those? Also, this is crazy, but iodine pills are in. Iodine pills are in. Wait, you know what's in? You know what's in, actually? I just remembered this. It's me writing the song of the summer.
I think I just wrote the song of the summer. We should make a song when I get back. Like, we need to make a song. But yeah, iodine pills are in for sure. Like, we're popping iodine pills all 2023 to prepare for nuclear war. Also, I stayed up really late last night because I just found out what Chernobyl was.
And I wish that was a joke. Like, okay, let me clarify. I knew it was, like, a nuclear, like, accident, but I thought that shit happened in, like, 1830. No, you thought we had nuclear power in 1830? Girl, I don't know anything. I don't know anything. And then I thought Chernobyl was just a random show that people were like, oh my god, this show is so scary. I think you're saying it right.
- Am I? - Yeah. No, I'm just saying 'cause, like... - Chernobyl? - Yeah, you're saying it right. I'm just saying, like... - I say... Yeah, I can't say anything right. Also, the fact that I couldn't say, like, "Iodine" when I was watching the show last night and they were like, "Iodine, iodine, iodine," like, whatever. - Iodine. - Bitch, why did that shit happen when my dad was 13 years old? - Yeah, why... And that's why it's crazy is because everyone experienced it.
Also, what's insane, dude, I literally drew eye. What did I just say? What did I just say? You said it's crazy because everybody experienced it. But like,
Why is no one talking about Chernobyl? No, Chernobyl is the pause of the century. That shit is sus as fuck. Also, like, no, Drew, if you saw the way I was acting last night after watching one episode, I was freaking the fuck out. Did you watch the docuseries or, like, a documentary or, like, the show? I'm watching, like, the docuseries where they just... The HBO one. No, that's... Where, like...
Is it a docuseries or is it a show? No, it's a show. Every time I say docuseries, I'm like, oh, it's a series where people are doing a true base story. But I don't think that's proper. It's like this show where they act...
it's the show where they like acted out what happened um yeah it's like one of the best shows of all time and i could not get through the first episode but i will say i did have a chernobyl arc where i was like watching youtubers like go there and explore the radiated lands irradiated lands and seeing all the critters running around and all the fucking deer that have foreheads and ulcers all over their body and the people that refuse to move out of there and now have like an eighth limb um
- Dude, that's the crazy thing. I was like, this shit happened in like at least 1920 something. - CGI is fucking off. - But it scared, it like literally sent me into a bad like freak out. And I was like, damn, maybe I do have like some sort of like anxiety based disorder or something because the way I genuinely, I immediately, it's like my obsession with planes. And then I immediately am like, that is going to happen to me. There's no way it's not gonna happen to me.
Yeah, I'm the same way I get hyper fixated on like, how I'm gonna die. And then I just like theorize ways I'm going to die over and over again. And then I find a new thing type of I don't think I'm gonna die in a plane crash anymore. Actually, I never did. I thought I was gonna survive the plane crash I was supposed to. But um, yeah, I literally I immediately was looking up how to buy like iodine pills, peels. I can't say you can't buy iodine peels. They're pills. And
like eating them up and I was like oh my god what's the proper one to get like I need to stock up and then I was like getting actually really upset because I was like dude I got into an argument with a friend because we were like all watching it and then I was like asking everybody I was like oh like hypothetically
If something like this happened, what would be your first cause of action? And one of the friends... Killing myself. ...was like, oh, no, listen. They were like, oh, like, I would just, like, hope that, like, my government has, like, a good, like, plan of action to, like, go forward. And I would listen. I'm like, we're watching this shit not happen right now. And that shit happened... Did we see the way the pandemic was handled? Oh, my God. I went... I've been playing basketball at the gym in Granbury, the Y. And I...
Played two days in a row and yesterday it was a five on five and we were running half court because I was like, I'm not playing full court. You're not getting me to run up and down a full court right now. No, absolutely not. And I swear to God, I thought I was dying. I'm not even exaggerating. I tasted blood in my mouth like I I taste I taste.
I had metal in my mouth. And today, my heart is literally sore. Just needed to get that out there. And it's from the Johnson & Johnson vaccine. It gave me fucking blood clots in my heart. No, bitch, it's because your sister fed you blue 30. Die. You know what it is? It's literally...
Because I eat Chockeys and smoke Puff Bars all day. It tastes like all the Puff Bar oil had settled in my lungs and I was just, like, breathing it up because I was breathing hard. And it was like...
It's crazy. I got popcorn lungs. That is actually nasty. I really am so curious what the effects of that are going to be. Wait, did they actually stop selling them in LA? Do you know? Have you heard from the people? I mean, from the last four smoke shop owners, that's it. January 1st, it's over. But either way, it's over for me because Josiah and Lucas stopped too. Wow, that's big. I know. It truly is over. But...
Yeah, I was last night literally, I was like, oh my God, we're... Because you know what was scary too is like, I feel like it hasn't been long enough since like...
the first like big nuclear accident happened so i'm like it will only happen again within the next hundred years and we are going to be alive for that because humans don't learn anything and then i was actually freaking out smiling because i was like dude we literally have become like numbed i have have you become numb to the idea of like nuclear like threats like i was about to say have you looked so and so like threat and so and so forth with nuclear threats i'm like no
Like, I don't give a fuck. Shut up. Have you looked into the Cuban Missile Crisis? No, I was like... Have you looked into the Cuban Missile Crisis? No, don't talk, bitch. Yeah, that shit was real. Everybody genuinely thought they were gonna die. Is that new? Wait, did that just drop? No, no, no. The Cuban Missile Crisis was, like, a while ago. I think it was in the 60s or some shit like that. It was...
It was just like threat of nuclear warfare in the world ending. And like it was it was so close to happening and just world leaders figured it out. Like because once the first nuke is sent, like once we send a nuke at Russia or China or whatever it is, the world is ending because everybody's just going to launch all their nukes all at once. And it's just like over. And that is why we should make love and not war. I just I.
Did I just make that up? Did you make that up? I think I just made make love not war up. No, you had to have just looked that up and like... No, no, no. Look, my phone is still open on the notes app. No. Wait, look it up. Look it up. Wait, let's make sure... I just made up make love not war. Love not war. Wait. Wait, what is that? That's it. What is that? I think we can call it like a...
Pisces or some peace sign peace sign Make love not war baby. What's peace like world peace? Oh my god You literally just kept saying things that i've like never heard and they like make sense though That's the thing about me is like I said, i'm five years ahead of you bitches like off I'm five years ahead That's the thing about me is i'm five years ahead like off white and shit, um
But yeah, that's what I spent my night doing. Just literally tweaking the fuck out and freaking out because I was like, I was like, damn. It's all over. I'm going to die from a nuclear accident. And just think about it. Just think about it. In our lifetime, we'll have quantum computers that are run on nuclear power in our iPhones. And these bitches will explode in our pockets for the first five years. And it's going to cause just micro nuclear incidents all over the world. And it's just going to irradiate little small blocks. Oh, bet.
You want to bet? I just, I think the thing is, like, I genuinely think we could stop here. Like, we're done. Oh, yeah, we could, but hello, capitalism says hi. I know, but, like, imagine capitalism wasn't a thing. Like, what more do we need? We don't need anything else. We've honestly already gone too far. Kai needs pussy. Kai needs pussy. Well, he's always needed that. Yeah. He's always needed that. But, you know, sometimes you don't get what you need if you don't deserve it.
Well, I think I deserve it. Can I-- guys, can I do my ins and outs really quick? - Oh my god. - Just super quick. - I'm in and out of your mom. - I'm gonna turn my-- - My in-- my in is into Kai's butt and then his cock is coming out. - That was literally the first one. Okay. Inz is wearing a black Glossier hoodie. Another in is wearing, like, a brown hoodie.
And then two little names. If you're going to name your whole wardrobe, it's literally going to take like three seconds. So just. No, he already did. He already named it. It's over. Okay. So another N is two letter names. Oh, like hi. Yeah.
Wait, you're low-key so minimalist, like, short name, no clothes, no swag, no bitches. Like, you don't have anything. Marie Kondo is actually my ex, which is crazy. Okay. Who the fuck is that? The girl that made you organize your house and shit? Yeah. Throw away all your stuff? She's my ex. She had a Netflix show. I just have two more. So another one is having this haircut. And then the last one is...
Girl, don't make an in that you won't have for very long. Time is ticking. The last one is Drew's dick in my butt is the last time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's going in there for sure. I got you dated. What was her name? Marie Kondo. I dated Chloe Ting.
No way. I did Chloe Ting ab workout girl. 483 million views on her ab workout video. You know how much money she made on that? Well, did she have abs in real life? No, she was bloated as fuck and on her period every day. It was nasty. Oh, this is something I've been thinking about actually. So we've discussed it before.
how 70% to 90% of our diet came from nuts and berries, right? From the women gathering the nuts and berries and they would send our dumb asses out to the woods to like hunt and fuck off and probably go play with each other's private parts because we realized it felt good and it's okay. It wasn't stigmatized back then.
And all the while, the girls were in the camps, like, taking care of our children, like, playing with their... Well, why wouldn't the girls be playing with each other, too? Oh, just wait. They were playing with their boobs and, like, fingering each other and taking care of our children and doing witchcraft in the fire and, like, shoving leaves up their pussy because they're periods. Yeah.
- You know what's crazy is, actually, like, I bet the first fingering happens, like, really early on in human nature because, like, someone's gonna put a finger in that hole. Like... - Yeah. Yeah, you're right. - Like, fingering definitely happened before fucking because, like, a girl was probably like, "Um, what?" and, like, went and was like, "Oh my god, there's more in there." - You think? - Dude, yes! She-- like, the first, like, person-- - I think we probably had sex first in our animal DNA.
I've never seen a gorilla finger another gorilla. No, bitch. Monkeys itch their-- no, 'cause monkeys, like, itch their fucking butts and shit and you know a finger slipped, like... Ew, that's disgusting, like, actually. Eww! That looks like this photorealistic SpongeBob scene. You know what's nasty is I know there's always dirt... You know what's nasty is I know there's dirt under their intestines, they're, like, picks with it and, like, rolls it up on his finger. Oh, no, I do something worse. I do this.
That's how I build my immune system. I scrape it out with my front teeth. That's how you keep your sodium intake up when you don't have chips, is you fucking eat the salt and, like, dirt from under your nails. I actually withdraw from talkies at McDonald's. It was really dangerous, actually, and it's funny that you're- I actually haven't had McDonald's for, like, three plus weeks. I had it for the first time last night. Was it lit? No. It burned my tongue, the tip of my tongue.
- It was, like, gross as f*ck. - Well, I got way too high when I was in Miami and I went into an arcade and I was freaking the f*ck out and I just did it-- - Wait, that's literally one of my outs is McDonald's. - You being shocked like that, b*tch, you wrote it! - I forgot I wrote it because I wrote it so long ago. How about that? Okay, out. - Okay, what are your other outs?
Buying the newest iPhone every every time it drops every time a new one comes out. That's out. This is over. This is over. Records specifically like vinyls and setting world records. What do you have to prove? It's out. It is out. You just bought me a fucking record player. Yeah, yeah. But like also world records, both records and vinyls. Grammar.
Sis is over. We don't need grammar anymore. You know what? This one's for me. That actually was like really getting in my head the other day was when you made a joke about having not to like not needing to know how to spell because our iPhones do it for us. And that was actually freaking me out because I was like, dude, there are genuinely some fucking snotty nose ass kids out there who aren't learning how to spell because they just have like
word to text and just wait like they're always on their phones and that's like the main form of communication so no bitch has to sit and write a letter or anything so they're just like whatever just wait and voice memos like i was like they literally just need to know how to speak they don't need to know how to like yeah just wait there's gonna be robots that tie your shoes
What the fuck is wrong with you? Like, literally, what is wrong with you? What are you talking about? - They'll tie your shoes, we'll basically just be... - Also, there's already that, you can get it for $3 off Shein. It's like one of those videos where the ladies have, like, everything in their house that, like, does everything for them. - You know what's crazy? You know what's crazy is how we treat our children. We treat them like some little sub-humans that don't actually exist and that they're gonna be humans one day and that they're not actually humans, they're humans going to be humans.
Drinking in your path until you pass out is out. Oh, yeah. Philosophy is out. I'm tired of being schizophrenic. I did get two books. Excessive drinking in general is like so out. It's boring. Like literally do something else. Get a get a life challenge. Frogs are out. I think they had their renaissance in 2022, but they're over. Chips.
Candy and McDonald's are out in a very big way for 2023. Again, most of the things you say are literally just like medical related issues that you have that you just say like. And you're a classist and you hate poor people. I don't see what that has to do with it, but. Die. What? Football and baseball are out.
i'm tired of seeing it get it off my fucking pages get it out of my life oh big fucking strong man football can stay football can stay i like seeing the big boys playing with each other baseball you're done you are like actually so ill you're so true oh this shit's true as fuck true
- Um, okay. - Yeah, we're bringing Trill back. So I had it in "in" and I have it in "out" as well. Uh, climate change. Um, I'm scared. I'm really, really scared, y'all. It's coming.
it's coming um and then after climate change i will say for christmas it was literally like 43 degrees in miami and i was like we're done it says it's over i was like it was 43 degrees that sunday for like christmas and then the next sunday it was 83 degrees
Yeah, that's fucking I was about to say it was like eight degrees on Christmas and then a week later it was 70 degrees in Texas. Yeah, fucking right. That temperature swing jarring. Yeah, just Texas is better than Florida. OK, the next one change. I mean, like things changing like I want it to stay still. And I also mean like coins.
we're done it's done it's over did you know they still make new quarters which is bullshit new coins i think i have a fear of coins like actually when i touch them like i feel like this coating get on my fingers and it's like oil from other humans and i fucking hate it that's where they're putting the nuclear residue to kill off citizens is it think about it and like think about it yeah oh you didn't touch your because why are they making new ones i thought we were like having it
I thought we were having like an economic issue. Like, why are they printing more money? Like, I thought they were done doing that. And why the fuck are there new quarters? There are quarters. Not only are there new quarters for this year, but I saw a quarter for 2021. Yeah, it's bullshit. It's bullshit.
It's like, no, actually, like, I didn't know they were doing that. Like, why are they doing that? Like, are they like resampling old quarters? Like, I genuinely think they're throwing, I think throwing away old ones and putting new ones in recirculation and like recycling them and shit. Fuck, I had something so fucking funny to say. I was like, Oh, this is gonna hit this is gonna bang. I lost it. Um, coins. What was it? It was coins money change.
whatever, it's done. Shame is out. Like we live in such a shameful society and I'm tired of being filled with shame and walking around with shame for me just experiencing life. And I'm letting go of that in 2023. Doing laundry. I think we should go six or seven days between laundry cycles.
Save some water. You go like two weeks. So like you're not like you're you don't do laundry. How do you know about that? I am not kidding. I think in the time of living with you, I think a year I see you head to the laundry room maybe once a month. Maybe. Yeah. And I have a bunch of clothes. No, you don't, though. You don't, though. Oh, but I do. I do.
Allergic reactions. Oh, you know what should be in is washing your fucking sheets and washing your hands this year should be in for you. No. Oh, I remembered what it was. Did you know there is a chemical that's put on receipts that alters your hormone balances? And when they ask you for your receipts, it's the...
lizard people trying to push their agenda so don't take the receipts why did you say did you know that like that's real because that you made that up that's not true look it up it's called like bva or something like that it alters your hormones i need less i need less hormones as a man i need less hormones do you know what i mean no would like because you're like what is it doing that's bad to you i don't know i don't have anything for you
You're asking too many damn questions that you don't want the fucking answers for. Let's just say that. Okay. Oh. Allergic reactions, out. That's embarrassing. Get over your nut allergy. Balls in my mouth, out.
2023. You're done with balls? Yes. I honestly like I've lowkey been like over balls for like a really long time. Like I don't fuck with balls. Like I think they're so fucking annoying. It's gross. It's nasty. Um, fully stopping at stop signs. Um, I think we're grown enough to realize that you don't have to do that anymore. You can kind of just like half stop. Uh,
This is a really hard one, but trees, I think, are out in 2023. I'm tired of seeing their leaves fall. It makes me sad. They should be green all year. Carnivorous gang. We should just have genetically modified trees. GMO trees. That's what should be in. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. That's a good happy medium. I agree with that. Ulta Beauty and Dyson Vacuums are out.
are out oh ulta beauty is fucking lit like what are you talking about it's out have you been in one ever no but i don't that's what i'm saying they don't exist to me they don't need to exist so ulta beauty their point back system is amazing this is a an old ad all of a sudden i know literally i was about to go in uh but yeah dyson vacuums too fuck dyson vacuums
Stop! I like our Dyson vacuum. I think Dyson vacuums are so good. It's a cutout. When you turned around and it wasn't blurry anymore, I couldn't tell if the cat thing was, like, a 3D one or if it was a cutout, but it's fully a cutout. Like, when you moved, like, when you turned around, it, like, went, like, it almost went limp. Not limp, but it, like, it lost its life. Well, my outs are... Yeah.
Take no. Okay, I'm not going to keep talking until you take it off. Hi, I'm a little piggy. Stop. Wait, why am I low key giving NFT? This is what we're all going to look like in 10 years. We're going to look at one virtual reality, babe.
Oh, sorry. I'm literally getting a FaceTime call from my sister because a package came to my house in Miami and they literally are like, can I open it? My lady, my lady, my lady, my lady, put your fucking mask on. The new COVID variant is out.
What are the chances we get a new COVID variant this year? Oh, it dropped today. What do you think the chances are? It's trending number one on Twitter today. No, it just dropped. And it's taking, it's all, or 40% of all COVID cases. And from, or it was 5% or 4% of all COVID cases on the 6th of December. And now it's 40% of all. So it's hella, hella contagious. So we're done. Hide your grandpa. Hide your grandma. They're going to die soon. Are you kidding for real?
Yeah, it's called like the IBX 214 or some shit like that. Bitch, I think you're lying. I'm being dead serious. Oh, this one's horror. Loading. Oh. No, this is old ass news, bitch. No, it's trending on Twitter. I can't find it so it's not real and you can't convince me. I don't have Twitter. And neither do you, so you're lying. I'm not lying. I have Twitter, but for other reasons.
And sometimes I'll navigate over to the trending page. What? Where'd you go? Who is that? Hello? Hi. Hi. Hi. Where's Drew? Drew, come back. Kai, where's Drew? Kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself. All of you. Kai and India, kill yourself. Kill yourself. How'd you get in here? I'm getting in here. No. What the fuck is that? Who was that? Looks like... Oh, there you go. Who was that? I think that was...
One of your alter egos. Oh, this one's cute. Oh, the nice alter ego is here. We're safe again. World peace. There is something very, very evil about your first piss of the day being not at your house.
You know what I'm saying? There's something really, really sinister about waking up and getting ready and having to leave the house so fast that wherever you're going, you're like, fuck, I forgot to pee and I really have to pee on the way to this thing I'm going to. And then your first piss and release of the day being somewhere else, I think that causes bad luck. And also, women peeing in public toilets can give y'all STIs. Is that true? You're spreading false information right now.
I was like, I don't know. Yeah, I got an STI once at Pam's too in Granbury, Texas. I sat on the toilet and it infected my pee hole. That's because you used the glory hole. Well, that's because you also let your wiener dip into the water because you told me once that you liked that. Oh yeah, it's so long that it does. It's like when you would play, you're like,
In a pool and you had the hose and you would put the hose in and you saw like the water pressure. Dude, did y'all also do this? I was about to say, did y'all also do this? It's like grabbing the hose and shoving it up your butthole as a kid and just like filling your colon with water and then pooping it out. No. Yeah, it must have been like a guy thing.
did you ever like when you're in a hot tub you put your asshole over the jet and then you jump out and you like squirt water out of your butt yeah yeah it felt like i was getting what getting what you guys i think i'm gonna go because you guys are eating out um are you naturally like that drew or are you just like joking it's a choice it's a choice
It's fully a choice. I was just curious. Yeah. Nurture versus nature. Neither of those are real. It is fully a choice. 100%. And anybody saying it's not is a liar. With that filter on. Can you take that fucking filter off? Oh, bitches are mad and so jealous that I discovered it. Being like a homophobic conservative with that filter on.
You like when you put on that filter, you serve like woman who lives in the Midwest who's like, can can normal people take back rainbows? Like, why do they have to be for gay people? Like, can I just not enjoy a rainbow now? No, exactly. I just I can't enjoy a rainbow. Rainbows was God first was God's first. And then the gays took it and made it mean something it wasn't supposed to mean. Mm hmm. I don't think that is necessarily true. Yeah.
Dude, I heard that you said you look like an ankle biter. Like, you really, really do. Like, you really, really do. What is this? Hold on.
Yeah, these are the ones. Dude, this episode has just turned into us looking at you. Like, you can't do this because, like, literally, if you go back to the episode, the second you started playing with filters, my mind was, like, numb. Like, literally, like, something in my mind clicked to, like, watching TikTok kind of brain where I have nothing to say to you. I'm an NFT. It's hard to talk to a non-fungible token. Yeah.
I didn't know that's what that meant. I did not know that NFT meant war. Like, I thought that's just what they called it. Okay, I'll just wear the beret and that's it. I'm a French cow. Well, are you going to go to Paris? Maybe. Maybe on the 18th. Or I'd probably leave the 17th. Well, if you come this way, I just won't go back home and we can meet up and go together. Would you want to come? Not if I have to go back to LA and then come back because I won't go. Respect. Respect. I'll let you know if I do.
Yeah, I'm getting flown out to Paris by a brand. I'm not kidding. I cannot look at you. I'm turning it off. I'm turning it off. What a way to start the new year. Okay.
also it seems like this is like the cheapest pack of like vr like things you can buy like it's like honey paradise that's in iceland on my birthday
If that happens. Yeah, as the solar eclipse happens. I don't have anything in me. I'm done. I'm done. Well, no, you have to do at least one out each then because I kind of just consumed the outs. Well, because I didn't write any fucking outs because you didn't tell me to do ended out. You told me to do 2023 predictions. Yeah, I set your ass up.
A few of my outs is overconsumption. This is also for myself. I think I can like overconsume and be a little too crazy. I would like to stop overconsuming, but that probably won't happen because it's either an addiction to drugs or an addiction to shopping. And I think shopping is better, but I will try my best. Another out is I think I'm done being...
that that's just a lie i was like i'm done being a hater but that is yeah yeah fucking right that is so ingrained into your soul my out no for real i am going to try and not be such a hater um i'm gonna actually try and i think the first step is to not saying my hateful thoughts out loud and then maybe that will lessen my hatefulness i think everybody has you know what it is
I'm like two Joan Rivers within, like, my comedy style. Like, too much of my comedy style is within being a spiteful, hateful bitch. Respect. I was just going to say, I think everybody has hateful thoughts, but we just internalize them. But you see, a girl like me speaks her mind, and I need to shut up. I think you should be more womanly and stop talking and listen more. Wow. Wow.
See how it feels when you sit with that thought? That's just a thought that I've been having recently is girls, stop talking challenge. Well, you would have to be talking to women to, like, even have that effect. Oh, I get puss. I slay puss.
That was a slight at me.
My last out, and I think I'm gonna fail because I plan on doing this, is straightening my hair. But that has more to do with me. Most of my outs are like New Year's Revolution type beats, so like it's not really like true outs. Dense, dense revolutions. I'm literally gonna start stealing your stuff and fucking selling it on OfferUp if you don't stop talking to me like that. No, you're not.
What if I started stealing your shit and selling it on Facebook Market? My roommate sold all my shit on Facebook Marketplace for dollars. And I put your name on all of it. I was like, Drew Phillips desk. And all your shit is on the floor the next day. All right. Well, that's my outs. Kai already did his outs. He did his ins and outs together. I could do a couple more. I could always do a couple more.
- Okay, I think out is being mean to me. I think people should be nice to me at all times. - That don't even sound right. Hold on. - What? - The only thing that's out is me from that idea. I'm out. - I'm not buying it. I'm not buying it. - I just-- I don't know. I think it'd be cool for the next year. And also-- - Wait, and in-- and in is us going to Shark Tank with that idea and watching it fucking flop. - It lasted for 30 seconds. Great.
Wait, why should we make the Kai doll and it's like a voodoo doll and you just beat it up? What the fuck? That sounds good. Yeah, I beat it up. Drew's been beating it up for a while. Yeah. Oh my god, I just looked at myself and my eyes looked so scary. I haven't seen a photo or anything of you in a long time, but when you sent a video of me to yourself the other day, I was like, whoa. The fuck?
Yeah, and I was like, whoa. Her name was Mary. Looking like a star. Hold on, we got media. Pause. I watched The Chef last night. Actually, really fucking cool. Surprisingly, a good movie. It was funny. It was like a dark comedy. I was not expecting it, and I was expecting it to be fucking stupid, but it was like
kind of targeting like cooking culture and how serious it is like when it's literally just food um and it's really hard for me to like watch like food movies or television where it's like a drama and it's like this is like the end of the world if i don't cook the best meal in the world um so it was right up my alley and then uh just watch i think is it the taste of pomegranates
Or is it The Taste of Tea? Oh, The Taste of Tea. Yes, sis. It's... You probably reblogged it on Tumblr in 2014 without even knowing. Oh, did you finally watch it? Yeah. How was it? Was it kind of, like, slow? Yes...
It was just visually very appealing. It's super visually insane and interesting, but it's just like, okay. Yeah, that's exactly what I was going to compare it to is it's just like house, but like modernized like digitally. But yeah, those are my two movies and music. I have one song and it's by Crime's
uh i've been listening to crimes recently not grimes uh crimes and it's stress by crimes that's a really cool song um and you should listen to it um well my media of the week is chernobyl um because i'm gonna finish it today and freak the fuck out and have an anxiety attack maybe honestly i should get high as fuck and watch it so that i can like get so scared that i have to go to sleep because i'm like genuinely gonna believe that i'm gonna be nuked
Oh my god, actually, I just remembered I had a dream that I woke up and I had no boobs and I always complained about having my boobs but in the dream it was so like dysmorphic and scary for me that I like had really small boobs and I was actually freaking the fuck out in the dream. And then somebody who we know was in there and I was taking like a nude and they were watching me and I was like, but I didn't care. Whatever. It's like so funny. It's super random. Drew Mack.
Was watching you take a nude? Yes, but it wasn't like sexually watching me. It was just funny. Like he had come to the bathroom because he had slept over at my house and he was like, oh, can I use the bathroom? I was like, I don't give a fuck. Like come in. And I was like, bitch, I don't have tits anymore. And like, he was like, oh my God, you literally don't have tits anymore. And I was like, look, like I can't even like, I don't even know what I would do in like a nude. And I was like trying to like practice how I would take nudes. Girl, we need to get you a breast reduction so bad.
But I wasn't happy in the dream, but I think I wasn't happy in the dream because I woke up and my tits were gone. Like I couldn't say goodbye and it was really scary, but I was immediately in the dream. I was like, fuck so many tops are going to look so good on me. Like I have to go home. Like I was at my parents' house anyway. It was weird, but yeah, Drew was in it. And I was like, he's literally like, it was so weird. And like, he went and got me a t-shirt from my room. Cause I was like, we were like trying to practice how I would take nudes. And he was like, you kind of have to do like this vibe to like make it sexy. Like, I was like, Oh, okay. And like,
- I was just gonna ask, was I in the dream sucking your boobs or...? - No, no, you were, like-- honestly, part of the dream was so peaceful because you were, like-- you didn't exist in that realm. - Oh, 'cause I thought, like, maybe I would have been, like, playing with your boobs or, like, sucking on your-- - No, no, it was, like-- it was, like, honestly-- in a weird way, I, like-- I think my brain was trying to tell me, like, I have the wrong Drew in my life. Yeah. Okay.
And you, you're just here. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, do my media of the week. If you want, if you want, I could do my media. There are things I want from you that I can't ask because I will get in a lot of trouble. Well, you know, if you want me to do it, I can do it to kind of like fill the, fill the silence while Drew's gone, you know?
um i have a finish on media so i think i'm gonna do that right 100 yeah yeah i was just kind of saying like i actually haven't seen you in so long i know it's been a minute do i look do i look different um you look older yeah you look like you aged rapidly in the past like month and a half no no i don't think people like
I knew the closer you got to 30, the more you looked like an adult, but I think you would look so, like, um, like, elderly-like so soon. Yeah. I look geriatric, is what you're saying. Oh, sorry, I think Drew's ghost is hanging around. What the fuck was that sound? It's Drew lost in the ethers. It'll do, like, a noise cancellation.
But it still, like, breaks through. Help! Help! Drew, are you okay? I killed myself. I'm shooting myself with guns. Alright. Dude, the noise cancelling literally makes it sound like the most, like, silent accident on the planet. It sounds like you're a thousand miles away. Help!
Could you really not hear the gunshots the whole time? No, it sounds like you're making popcorn like in three rooms over. I was playing gun sound effects since the second I left. Because I was like, oh, it'd be hilarious if like I just played gun sound effects and acted like I killed myself. Oh my god. Well, okay.
My media of the week is Chernobyl, and then I'm going to probably finish that, and it's fucking insane, and I can't believe that that's real and happened. Oh, Superbad, because I rewatched Superbad to show it to my little brother, and literally Superbad is still so funny. Made me very jealous and envious, because I want to be recognized as a real comedian, but sometimes I feel like I'm just, like, the sexy girl. And that's, like, a really hard, like,
thing for me to carry but you can be a pretty girl and a funny girl no no you're saying nonsense okay you're a unicorn babe it's marry me material what the fuck are you saying to me it's giving unicorns you sound like if you fed an ai only the things you buy at ross to hang up on a wall like and you tried to have an emotional conversation with it it's giving i'm sorry the police are coming
um my song media is bikini bottom by ice spice i also feel like i had this thought the other day like i feel like me and ice spice would get along and i'm not even kidding like i thought about it i was like i feel like me and ice spice could like really get along if we were in a room together like i could make her laugh and then maybe she would hug me party down by little beaver in my bed by drew hill you are the one oh i forgot i made that song i'm not gonna give you guys that one
I'm-- I-- I said-- I forgot I made that "In My Bed" song. I'll say it. You are the one, Mary Angela, Celeste, and Vangelis, Lazy Kong, Cockatoo Twins, Unmade, Tom York from the Suspiria. I forgot I made that fucking song, um... "In My Bed." You know, talking sometimes, like, is, like, unbearable. Sometimes you ruin my vibe. Somehow that's way more hurtful than what I said.
Bitch don't kill my vibe. Oh, don't look at me. Every time I get into a car that has a plug-in nox that was made before like 2017, ADHD by Kendrick Lamar is the first song to play. It's really, really unsettling and embarrassing on my phone. My admission. Was that good? Yeah. No, it's peaking now.
I was at a dinner with some friends and I showed it to one friend on my phone on YouTube and I like played it and then like I was like weird cracking up I was like and I put it down and I forgot I had YouTube premium and my phone just kept like and I got really embarrassed because my phone just kept replaying it okay well thank you guys so much for watching um help help help me
Help me. Are they coming for you? Help me. Drew, are they coming? Drew? They're here. They're here. They're really quiet. Stop. What? Just don't kill me. Please don't kill me. Why is it playful? It's kind of horny.
I know. Sorry, I was talking to my sister. Oh. Whoa. Okay, Drew, if I don't come back to LA and you don't have your hair dark brown again, no more sex. Thank you guys so much for watching this episode. We'll see you next week. And I know that's hard for you to bear. Maybe if I don't die in a plane crash. I know. If I don't die from a nuclear missile, I'll see you next week. Bye.
Okay, bye.