Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.
if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon. Spend less, smile more.
Welcome back to this episode. I'm so crazy. I'm so crazy. I'm so crazy. I'm so crazy. You should be scared of me. You hear my voice and if you close your eyes, it's like I'm in your car or in your bed and you should be scared of me because I'm crazy. Whenever anybody is like falling asleep, listen to the podcast and hearing our voices and then it like
starts off like a dream with us in it. Well, it's just a dream to be listening to us anyways. We just have dreamy energy. It's a nightmare. It's literally like a form of torture. It's a waking nightmare. I know somewhere out there there's a couple that lives together and one of the people in that couple loves listening to us and the other partner fucking hates it and then can't say anything. But then just like
They like spat at each other about other things when really the main problem is the partner hates hearing us. No, literally. Our podcast was described to us, to our face, as dead air filler. So like, I don't even listen. I just put it on in the background when I'm working on something. No, what's worse is the person said they could imagine it being that for other people, but for him, it was just too much. Yeah, yeah. But...
on the lowest of keys he listens all the time and I know that for a fact like he listens to every single episode who the fuck said that and also do you want me to beat them up yes please yes yes please but I genuinely I was like honestly that's a compliment like we're still getting paid like put it on in the background I know he was like I don't
watch all but I subscribe I do what I can and I was like literally subscribing does nothing for us like that's like the least like that's actually nothingness it's like void but he meant it with full kindness and that's how I took it because I give people grace yeah well I'm really mad at my dad because he doesn't listen
I would be mortified if your dad listened. I'm like, hello? I literally talk about fingering butts and stuff. Why don't you want to hear that? I literally talk about my Wingbot Vibrator 3000 every single episode. I'll never forget. I think I've mentioned this before, and I think I have it on recording somewhere, but I asked him if he listens. And he was like, you know, I think you guys are really funny, but I just don't think I need to hear that. And I was like, oh. And then he was like, yeah, like,
There's definitely things you say that as a dad, even as close as we are, I don't need to hear. And I was like, honestly, respect. Because my dad, I will say I'm not even offended because when I understand, like you said, if he listened, I would be mortified. But my dad already thinks I'm funny. So I don't have anything to prove to him. Love that. Well, my dad did this like funny prank on me one time where like.
We lived in a house that had a basement before and no one ever went down there because it was like ooky spooky scary vibes. Like we fucking hated it down there. And so like one day he asked me to go get some like cans of beans from the shelves downstairs because like that's cold air like kept them stable. So I went down there and he shut the door behind me and locked it and I was trapped in there for two weeks.
And he would throw snakes and stuff down the stairs. Wait, that was a prank? Yeah, but it was like funny. We were all laughing about it. You were laughing about it even? Well, no, I was screaming and crying for the whole two weeks. But like, yeah, he pushed me down the stairs. Would you be grateful he left you down there with some beans? Yeah, it was horrible. I'm scared of chickpeas now. Even though they're such a great source of protein. Yeah, they kept you alive. Everybody needs more chickpeas in their diet. No, chickpeas like...
I can't say. We both have trauma with chickpeas. You know what I'm thinking about. We both have chickpea trauma. If chickpeas is a high source of protein for you and your diet, stay the fuck away from it. Yeah, actually, that is true. Any person that eats chickpeas is a dangerous person. Chickpeas are fucking nasty. Chickpeas are literally like
I actually did have my mom made chickpeas where she like covered them in like, like spices and shit. And they were like crunchy, like fucking Cheez-Its. And they were so yummers. I was on TikTok and I stumbled across a couple of videos that I genuinely think are the greatest thing that anybody has ever made for us, like point blank period. And
and they are these american girl doll animations i'm literally obsessed with them i i'm not gonna be able to find them because i don't know the person's name and i like 4 000 videos on tick tock a day so we'll find them insert them here the song of the week is literally just ribs by lord because that song is a classic dude i love that song
Oh my God. Oh my God. They are so fucking good. And it reminds me of like when we were on like episode 40 and someone made like a Lego animation. Oh yeah. I love that. I love that. It kind of freaked me out.
Actually, okay, let me clarify. They beheaded me every fucking one. When I first saw the account, I was like, this is really funny. But then what started to freak me out is their first two TikToks were emergency intercom TikToks. And then the next two were random clips from another show. And then for some reason, that's what made me feel a little funky because I was like,
oh wait, this person was like really going to make this like a variety channel. And like, it's not even like an ego thing for some reason. It would make more sense if it was just like one of our followers or like listeners who was just like, thought it'd be funny to make us into American girl dolls, but spreading it out into a genre of like multiple things for some reason, like there's probably a million of those like, yeah, yeah.
American Girl doll animations account and she just like tapped in at the right fucking time and now she's popping off I mean it makes sense because remember like there was a channel on YouTube that did that with Barbies and it was really funny There was like a whole thing. I don't know if you guys are gonna know it's like it's girl or girl girls No, but there was like this thing where like it was like a high school drama that somebody made a show of me I do this. Yeah, and then one of the Barbies was like
it and like it was like this whole thing yeah no I genuinely I know what you're talking about and fuck what was it because you're one of the girls no of course like duh Kaya's not one of the girls yeah he's lost no I know about this
so what is it i didn't speak on it but i totally know about everything these what is it you're saying it's like a show with barbies and they they made a show out of it i get it i totally get it and i've seen it they play the barbies play with each other's boobs and take baths oh i don't i'm not watching that because that is disrespectful okay i hate that that just made me think of this but one time me drew and josie went home and we looked up
we looked up elsa and anna kissing oh the greatest videos ever we found the craziest like 3d render of somebody actually i don't know i think we were looking up frozen i sent those in to be on the fucking tvs and you axed them i wanted elsa to have it playing all the time yeah but how did we look that did we look up elsa and anna josiah looked up
Elsa and Anna kissing, and they kiss, and it's beautiful. - The weirdest video ever. - But yeah, that is the fucking tea of it all. - Do you remember when a fan made a Roblox server?
of Ember and Cinercom and then there was just a part where you could kill me. I did not remember that. Yeah, there was a part where you could shoot me with a fucking gun and I would explode. Someone came up to us and was literally like, honestly, you guys have gotten soft. Y'all are being too nice to Kyle. Like, you need to go back to, like, bullying him. I know. I miss when you used to, like, choke me and shit. Fuck, I miss that. The way that I... I think you got slapped last episode. No, that was, like, a couple episodes ago. But, Drew, let me just say one thing. It used to be every episode. The way that my toes curled. Yeah.
No. We can go to the next subject. Damn, damn, damn. Damn, Daniel. Wait, damn, Daniel and Alex. Wait, what was I saying? Alex from Target. You were explaining something. Fuck. Oh, we were talking about that rowing movie and you were talking about like, oh, how like
It was such an intense movie because like these people were like kind of bred to do this spore and there was this one like Savant who was so good at it blah blah blah and then I was like yeah and then she ended up on Ellen because that is like the reality of what we I guess actually Ellen is gone kids are growing up right now and they don't know that like if you were tapped in you would be on Ellen like that was.
- In 2016, if you got 100,000 likes on fucking Instagram or Twitter, you are on Ellen. - You're going. - You are on Ellen. - You are getting a first class ticket to Ellen's studio. - Yeah. - Wait, is she done 'cause she was mean? Or she just was like, "I'm done." - I think she was getting called mean
And then she was just like, okay, I can't handle this. I'm like 7,000 years old and a fucking vampire. So I'm going to retire. And then it all came out afterwards that she was just mean and evil. Again, I like it when my boss is mean to me, but. I know more people need to like respect their mean bosses. Like, okay. So my three biggest obsessions ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever started with exotic animals. Like I,
was fucking obsessed with like, I wanted to have a fucking zoo in my house. And there was this girl named Janda exotics and she still sells and flips. Yeah, no, she still sells and flips like rare fucking exotic animals. And like in Texas at the time, you didn't need licenses for this. So I was fully convinced like when I was like living on my own in Granbury, cause I was so young, I didn't know like you could move out of my hometown. You're weird as fuck.
No, I know. You were weird as fuck. Like, daughter or weird ass Drew Phillips' son. They're picking me every fucking time. Bitch, I would have put you up for adoption. I feel like my son is crazy. What's crazy is that you haven't changed at all. You're always talking about bears and otters. Yes, yes, I've noticed that too. And I don't know. No, yeah, I love animals. Bears and otters.
- Big bears, otters, like I love the way the otters swim. - And he's always like hairy bears, like all bears are hairy, we know that. - Yeah, so I guess, are there hairless bears? - Yeah, what's up? - Hell no, not in my fucking life. Abso-fucking-lutely not. Nasty, nasty. - That was Cluckness Everty as fuck. - Yeah, Cluckness Everty, you ate, you tore. - Wow, thank you. - But shut the fuck up. - I know. - I'm just being mean to you to like get back into it. - No, I get it bro, I fucking like it. - Oh my God.
But yeah, I was obsessed with like exotic animals and there was this time in my life where we had an extra bedroom in my house that was like the guest room and it had like a mini little porch that went into the backyard and I'm not kidding. I went into like PowerPoint, Excel, like I like started, I put it into like MS Paint to like draw what like this cage would look like because I was trying to convince my parents to let me adopt animals
an albino Burmese python that they get like fucking 23 feet long. They're giant snakes. And like, I was convinced that they were going to let me retrofit this guest room into like an enclosure, an indoor outdoor enclosure where like we would break the walls down. Um,
and build up like an outside cage so it could go inside and outside and they would have like a pool and shit and I was fully convinced that I was like okay this powerpoint is gonna below their fucking mind I wish I still had access to it but like I was batshit fucking crazy like I don't know why the fuck I thought that that was ever a possibility and then also the the thing that like I because I was still obsessed after they said no and I was like okay like I just got to keep like
chipping away like eventually they're gonna fucking break I was like nine years old and already a master manipulator manipulator I was a master manipulator um and I remember finding I saw a video of an albino I think my mom showed it to me like trying to convince me that I did not need this thing but I saw a video of an albino Burmese python eating and
And they fed it, they would feed it live rabbits and like they would just let them hop into the enclosure and they would just bite it and wrap up and like squeeze it until the fucking eyes popped out of these little bunnies. And like after that moment I was like, oh, I do not need a fucking Burmese python. But a Kinkajou I still have love for and I want. I want that bad. I want that so bad. When I was nine I was really praying that the lights would stay on and that I would have like a decent meal. Broke. You're poor. Broke.
and that I could find happiness. That's never going to happen. Not with Kai in your life. Dude, I was waiting so long for you to end it so I could reply with that. Like, halfway through the story, I was like, I can't wait to talk to you. Did you even hear what I said? Yeah, I did. You were wishing that you were going to get a fucking killer ass snake because you're a freak. Yeah. Like, okay, also,
like why were you yearning so bad for a fucking snake like I don't think there was anything I wanted that bad at nine years old I just was obsessed with animals like I wanted I literally wanted a fucking zoo like I literally like wanted like a lizard enclosure with like drawers that you would pull out and I wanted to like cross breed them and make new like genres of like leopard geckos and shit like I fully was convinced that that was gonna be my life I can't remember what I was doing when I was nine was like
Fucking getting scared of Bloody Mary and then like in turn putting that trauma onto other kids and teaching them about Bloody Mary and like freaking them out. The barkeep. Fuck. I was going to make a joke about like the barkeep saying Bloody Mary.
Oh my god. Dude, you're fucking rotted. Oh, it was when we were filming the Patreon episode. I was talking and you just kept being like, me when I'm a hacker and I'm hacking. And everything I said, he was like, me when I'm a blah blah blah and I'm blah blah blah. Yeah. We don't do that anymore. We used to point to everything and be like, me when I'm blah blah blah blah. I know, we need to bring that back. Me when I'm 75,000 years old. Okay.
Me when I'm 48 drinking a beer at 11 a.m. and I'm so sad and I'm weird. I just turned 30. This is a liquid death. Okay. 30 looks good on you. No, it does. I don't have my glasses on. Oh, wow. Wait, actually, yeah, put Kai Kim on. Put Kai Kim on. 30 looks like really, really good.
Thank you. Stop rizzing up the fucking camera. I know. Dude, I'm literally just looking. Wait, no, we got Kai cam, y'all. Are you guys happy? Does it look good? Let us know. Yeah. The team said it's going to look good as fuck. I'm so excited about it. It'll be high definition. We got him a Hasselblad. Is that what it's called? Hasselblad. Hasselblad. Yeah. They shot the Earth series on this camera. It's IMAX. Yeah. Little joke. Okay. You need IMAX. Oh, fuck. Fuck.
Well, I woke up and I was fucking drooling. How about that? What were you going to say? Oh, look. I'm saying like there was a period where you guys were nice to me and I fucking loved it. But also... Don't spread that rumor, bitch. I was never fucking nice to you. I gave you grace. I was not nice. There's video proof of it. There's a difference. There's video proof of it. But if you guys want to be mean to me... Please. Please. Please be mean to me again. Because it was a long time. It's been a while. It's been a while. Well...
You were drooling, right? In your sleep? Yes. Well, me and Inya slept in the same bed like a couple nights ago. Oh, was I snoring? No. It's on me. I did something very naughty and bad. I literally like... There's a video, the video of me like snuggling up against you when I fell asleep and I was literally overheating and like had like four layers of fucking sweat on my body. I woke up and my PJs were like...
moist from how that cold is. I think I literally broke fever. I was like, obviously sunburned, but like, I might've just like been sick with something and just not known. Cause my immune system is just so powerful and strong. And that's like a testament to, of who I am as a man. I'm strong. Like immunity person ever. Like you don't have immunity. Uh, RuPaul and the new, uh,
be like, you don't have a minute. I look like I FaceApp'd myself in this. Yeah, you don't look at yourself. But anyways, it was like 9 a.m. And like,
I don't know why but in the morning like when I'm like waking up I start writhing around oh yeah you knocked into me hard I know I was gonna say I literally like fucking like was writhing around and like throwing my head in my pillow and shit and I like went and like hit you in like literally in the fucking face with my head and like I was laying there and I was like oh my god and yeah I'm so sorry and you just like fell back asleep like almost immediately but I was sitting there and I was like fuck
dude, that hurt me. Like, it like felt like I had a knot, like I was concussed and I was like, I hit her hard. I'm such a heavy sleeper. Like I love my sleep so much. I remember waking up and be like, and then just like moving over and going back to sleep. Like, I remember the sound I made like moving over. I like hit you hard as fuck. And I was like, holy shit. Like I literally just like head butted her. Like it felt like I had an actual concussion. Um,
But then I just got up and moved on and didn't bring it up because I wanted to bring it up on the podcast. Also, I think in that same sleep, though, you were on my side so fucking crazy because I know this one was that night. No, bitch, you were pissing me off because he came so fucking close to me and his elbow at one point like nudged into me. And this I remember I went like and then I moved over. Really? Yes. So we both attacked each other in our sleep.
But no, just because I want to be. Because you were like all of my shit and I woke up, I was like, like trying to make a noise. So you move and then you like kind of like nuzzled in like you were like not going to move. So I literally like. Yeah.
So you're beating the shit out of me in my fucking sleep, bro. That's why I had a bruised kidney. I was wondering why my fucking back hurts so bad. Oh, yeah, no, my back hurts so fucking bad. I keep sleeping on my side and I'm not kidding, guys. Like, I'm like the old person in the room who's like getting out of corner, like stretching my back like 18 times in a conversation. And I'm not going to do anything about it. Actually, I want to get one of those pillows that keeps you on your back.
But then I saw this girl talking about it, like, to prevent wrinkles. And, bitch, shut the fuck up. Like, I want something that's just going to help me. It's always something. It's always something. Y'all are so scared of fucking wrinkles. Just wait. Also, just wait. When you're on your fucking deathbed and all you cared about in your life was looking beautiful, you're going to regret all the time you spent trying to be beautiful and being insecure about not being beautiful. Like, it doesn't matter. And it does not matter. That goes without saying.
I'm sexy hot and this is me without trying. Just imagine if I tried. - I just wanna say you're like super privileged. Both of you guys are super privileged. You can say that shit. - Pretty privileged, yeah. - And you guys are just like beautiful people. - Yeah, I have pretty privilege. It's hard for me. I get everything I want. - I was ugly as fuck growing up. This shit didn't come easy.
I grew up with a very beautiful sister who got compliments all the time and I felt like an ugly duckling. Like, crazy boots. That's literally why I'm funny is because I remember very vividly walking into school with my three-year-old sister, four-year-old sister going to pre-K and everybody being like, you're so beautiful, you're so beautiful. I'm right fucking here, bitch. And you're 48 years old. Give me a compliment. That's literally what I keep thinking about with that fucking sentient baby. Yeah, there's another...
there's another fucking little girl that's like being ignored and abused and i'm like y'all need to start giving her attention like y'all need to start giving her attention or she's gonna end up with a fucking podcast like no i will never forget that because i remember like being like 20 and really sitting with myself and wondering why i have like all these like weird insecurities about whether i am like perceived as beautiful or not and it literally is because this 48 year old woman would compliment my sister all the fucking time i'm
Like I'm right here. Even give me a lie. Be like, you look cute today.
And I know I look like shit because I didn't have a fucking mother figure. So I would literally like, I had long ass hair that I would tie into a back ponytail and all my fucking uniforms were thrifted. So they were really baggy. And I looked like a, I don't know. I looked like a fucking. India, this isn't funny. This is trauma. Yeah, this is trauma. No, it's funny now. I don't want this to happen to women. So whenever I drive by one, I'll be like. Whenever I see women on the sidewalk and it just rained, I go towards the puddle to fucking soak them. I'm an incel.
Girl, I saw a fem cell that doesn't know she's a fem cell yet on TikTok. And I was like, whoa, she might be the next killer. She might be the first killer. Anyways, we don't have to fucking go there. It's different. Misandry is good. No, no. Misandry is very good. I think it is powerful and good. But my second obsession... What were you going to say? I'm trying to remember because I was going to say something so stupid, but it doesn't matter. My second obsession growing up was roller coasters. So I vividly remember...
What? Did you ever play Thrillville? Oh, of course. Oh my God, Thrillville was so fucking fun. And what was the other rollercoaster game? Like Rollercoaster Town? Rollercoaster Tycoon. Yeah, Tycoon. Rollercoaster Town. The other game? Dude, oh my God, in high school, that just unlocked a memory. Like,
I played so much Roblox. There was a day where I literally played nine hours of Roblox on the weekend with one of my best friends at the time. You've been working on that screen time for a long time. No, it was dead ass nine hours straight and we played Cops and Robbers and we just like literally just played that game. It was horrible. We left and we were like...
The next day we like linked up again and we were like, why the fuck did we do that? Like we were saying, dude, I think as recently as two years ago, you were playing a Roblox game every day. And all you did in this fucking game and yeah, was did you ever see him play this shit? I think so. You would just lift weights and get bigger.
You just click on the screen and just lift weight. That's what I was going to say. Tycoon. There's another game he was playing for a long time that it was just a clicking game. You have a video of it. It was like you have to get like big, like your circle to be bigger. And he would just like click there all day. And I would come into his room and he's clicking. And I was like, are you going to win anything? And he was like, no, but I just need to keep my ranking. And he would like get addicted to that kind of shit. And I was like, dude, you were weird as fuck. Dude, cookie clicker was my shit. Like I love tycoons. But that's what I was going to say is like,
That unlocked the memory of me playing a bunch of tycoons on Roblox for two years straight. But I was saying, roller coasters. There was a website, and I cannot find it, but on my old laptop, it's still saved as a bookmark icon for some reason, but there was a website of the top 100 roller coasters in the world with just the names, and I would go on that website, and I would go watch YouTube videos on it, and then I had an...
Excel sheet where I would rank them based on which one I wanted to ride the most. Obviously, King Dakar was the number one. And then there was the Titan. Have you ever been free? Huh? Have you ever just like...
been free of whatever you're talking about like no like what no this is my life i become hyper obsessed with something for like a very long time and now that i'm an adult those time periods are shortened because i can actually do it or buy it like for a while it was like music equipment i guess yeah it's like the yearning like there's a certain kind of yearning you have as a child that now in your adulthood you don't get anymore because if you really wanted it you could just like make sure it happened i was trying to escape the basement
You did all of this in that two weeks. Yeah. I hit a record high. I didn't hit my puff bar for 26 minutes of this episode or 25 minutes or however long it's been.
that's actually really impressive and then my current obsession is tornadoes I have seen every single fucking tornado video and now it's to the point where I'm buying radar software and I've learned the velocity maps I'm learning reflex maps like I'm like studying meteorology meteor how do you say meteorology right now actively like I have like 20 tabs open with like all of like the different types that's kind of
like an impressive thing when you like something you actually learn about it when i like something i just look at it no you do that like with fashion and shit yeah i guess with fashion and like
Maybe with like certain musicians. That's kind of it. I don't do that with musicians. I love magicians. I could tell you all about magicians. I think it was like Suki and Bobby Antoff on their podcast on Bobby's podcast where she asked her like what she felt about being a musician and Suki misheard her and she was like, I'm not a magician. I'm literally not a magician. I'm not a manipulator. Wait. Oh, yeah, Kai. You went to the manipulator.
I did. Oh, I forgot to edit down the audio because I recorded it. Oh, shit. Okay. I got so nervous that I accidentally stopped recording halfway through, but we might be able to answer it next time. But basically, I entered the psychic's house thinking that she was going to say the same exact shit to me, and she did not. Ugh.
- Dude, she did not say that I was surrounded by evil energy. She said, she did say I was weak, which is true, that's facts. I am weak. - No you're not babe. - But she didn't say, I kept asking her, I was like, is there any evil surrounding me? She's like, no, there's like good people surrounding you. And I was like, okay. - Oh, you know what's happening right now. - You're the evil motherfucker. - You're the evil motherfucker. - You're the killer. - And we're the good people.
So I have to go and she's going to be like, there's one. Yeah. Well, let's confirm that when Enya goes. Yeah. Because we need like that triple confirmation because I low key feel like I'm a super good person. I feel like I'm going to go and she's going to be like, you're so amazing. Like you've really like navigated this life so clearly. Like you have so much grace and empathy and love. Um,
And like, I think, well, butyrin and lithium would do you wonders. That's what I'm hoping. Well, I'm going to go back and they're just going to say, I can just tell you have a giant fucking cock. I can see it through your pants. Okay. So she said you were a good person. She said, well, she was like, fear dictates your life. And I was like, I actually agree with that 100%.
So she was like, right. She said fear? Fear. And she was like, you need to like unlock your full potential by like overcoming things that are within yourself. There's no external like obstacles. It's all from within. I was like, because I was expecting her to just be like, you're surrounded by evil people. There's a curse. Did she try to recruit you for the church? She did try to recruit me for the church. And every single time I said...
Look, I've done a lot of work on myself. I've gotten a lot of help from other people, whatever. Me. From Drew. And I was like, can I do this on my own? Like, I really want to feel empowered. I want to feel autonomy. And she'd be like, no, absolutely not. Absolutely not. You can't do it on your own. But I will give her this. She said I was going to get married and then I get a fucking divorce. I'm going to have two marriages. Damn.
I feel like being a divorcee is kind of cunt. No, it's fire. Like, that's kind of cunt. Yeah, it's trauma. I want to be married and then divorced. Who was that? Who was saying that for a long time? Rain. Yeah, Rain. Rain, like, went through this whole, like, year being like, it'd be so cunt to get married for, like, two days and then get a divorce immediately after. Just so she can, like,
And she would be like, I don't want it to be anybody who I have like a serious relationship with. I just want it to be somebody who's like almost a friend, but we like kind of flirted and nothing ever happened, but we got married and then got divorced so that when I saw them in public, I'd be like, my fucking ex-husband. My ex-husband is here. But yeah, basically she did not tell me the same thing. I thought she was like fully a scammer and was just going to say it like the same thing. That just reignited my fears. That she's a magician? Yeah.
- What was the other shit that you-- - Guys, I haven't been able to sleep after that. - Really? - I know, Drew keeps like freaking out and thinking that he's actually fucking cursed and I don't know what to do about it because usually when Drew's just freaking out about something that I know isn't real, I just ignore it because I can't feed into it. - I was nervous too. - But he really thinks he's cursed. - I was nervous too, like I left that shit. I'm always nervous around powerful women. So this isn't like anything new, but I did have this shooting pain in my prostate when I left.
And I was like, you sat on your dildo. Anyway. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. So I need to go and see what she says about me. I think so. We need the final confirmation. I don't know if I'm in the mental state for her to say some fuck shit to me. I think I'd freak out. I don't know if I'm in the state for the conclusion of this. Is that me being the evil person? Yeah, you might be the evil. Because I'm so sweet.
I feel like we can all agree. Sweet. Okay, so I'll go tomorrow. What time did you go? I went at 11. Tomato. Potato chicken. Potato chicken. LGBT. Lettuce. Wait, hold on. LGBT. Lettuce. Bisexual. Wait, fuck. LGBT. Gaken. Bisexual. Bisexual.
Oh, wait, no, no. Potato. Fuck. I don't know. Oh, no. I said potato. No, you said potato. Potato. Potato. Lettuce, bacon, potato. Oh.
Girl, I'm like rotted right now. It's over for me. I know. I took sleeping medicine last night. Like nothing like fucking crazy, but I never take like an Advil PM or anything like that. It's very rare. And it was so hard to wake up this morning. And now I feel like there's like a layer over my brain that's going to be there for the rest of my life. It's going to be there for the rest of your life. You should freak out. You should panic. I actually don't give a fuck. Caviar is pushing it.
That's my final take on caviar. Caviar is fucking pushing it. You're eating fucking sperm from fish. That's crazy. You're eating fucking eggs. Like,
For some reason, caviar is just pushing it. Also, like, why the fuck is it so expensive? Is it really hard to, like, get it? I think you have to, like, kill the mother goose to, like, get it out of them. That's fucking crazy, and that shit is not that good. I've seen them, like, squeeze the belly of the girls, and they, like, piss out of their vagina, the eggs. Like, I've seen those videos. I watch those, like, all the time. It's like a Nerf warby gun. I love watching those videos. Yeah, no, literally, the fucking blasters, the gel blasters. Can y'all do that?
You're not doing it. You're just faking it. I'm trying. I'm trying. I'm trying. Well, I've been sobbing at twin announcement videos and I want twins so fucking bad, y'all. I went on like an hour rampage of watching every single video of twins being announced to their friends, family, extended family, and loved ones. And like,
They were making me cry my fucking eyes out. They are so cute. Just like them being like, yeah, the gender is a girl. And then they're like, but also we're having a boy. And then the grandma will start sobbing and excitement. And like all their friends will be like, are you fucking kidding me? Like, that's not good. And it's just cute just seeing like the different relationships people have with their loved ones. It's crazy. I'm never going to get that feeling. No, we'll have twins.
I don't want kids. I have twin sperm. I don't want kids. I literally don't want kids. Like it's actually sometimes it bugs me out because I'm like, damn, I just have no maternal calling. But I have come to the conclusion that it is because I feel like and this isn't me being like, oh, I carry so much. But I genuinely do feel like I care like such a motherly role in a lot of people's lives already.
And I have been for so long that I can't imagine having my own kids because I'm like, what? Then I have to abandon all my other children who were like grown adults. No, that's like it's like the same idea is like why I don't seek like a romantic partners because I get all the fucking love I need from the people I have in my life. I don't need.
another fucking person to like what like be annoyed by and do s with like girl that's boring like literally boring i have my literal left hand somebody to literally like actually both hands i have to use both hands shut the fuck up other than yeah somebody to like get in catty arguments with every now and then and then have to act like that didn't happen bruh i don't need that
I don't need that in my life.
I'm not living with your funky fucking weird ass. I need to hit the lottery and make $87 billion so I can build a compound for all of us to all have our own houses. But they're like within like a mile of each other or like within like 300 yards of each other. So we can just like come over every day and key and walk through the like fields with like all the flowers and my sheep roaming around. That's what Charles Manson did.
Yeah, but we're doing it with love. Okay. Well, no, I want us to like kill people. And have sex. Yes. With just me. Everyone. Bro, we've literally, I feel like we made this joke to each other, but I was like, I don't know what's going to happen when we're old as fuck and we're too lazy to go fuck somebody else. We're going to have to start fucking. Like, we're just going to have to make it work. Like, I don't know what's going to happen. We'll figure it out, bro. But yeah, that just, I've been thinking a lot about like traditionalism and how far removed I feel like we are from it. Yeah.
And I feel like this generation in general, like there's been there's always been a shift in view of like family versus chosen family. But I feel like oddly enough, all of our close friends are very close to their family.
like birthed family and their chosen family. And I've just been thinking a lot about how like that is actually so intense of like a balance to be weighing for people. And like we just naturally do it. And humans have just been freaking me out because I'm like, wow, this life is really just like filling your time with people you love. And it's magic. It's magical. We're stardust. We're meteorites combined with gases from a star spinning on a ball of rock inside of a meat sack controlled by our subconscious mind.
Also, I don't feel like I need kids because I'm already like mourning the like the growing into adulthood that my little siblings are experiencing, which is freaking me out. Like all I could think about is that my little sister is going to be 17 next year. And that freaks me out. Like it's so beautiful because like she's grown into her own person and like.
She doesn't listen to the podcast so I can say this and she didn't tell me her business and I won't tell her business because she didn't fucking tell me it. But it was actually really sweet. Like she, I think like got her heart broken a little bit and she called me and she FaceTimed me and she's like, she's a very like interesting character. She reminds me a lot of me when I was younger where like I wasn't very vulnerable, but obviously I wanted to keep people close until I got to that point. But it was really sweet. She like called me and she was like crying and she had her camera off on FaceTime and she was like, where are you? And I was like, oh, I'm in a car like headed somewhere, blah, blah, blah.
And she was like, okay. And then she was like, I have like a problem with like a boy or whatever. And I was like, do you want to talk about it? She's like, no, I really don't want to cry again. I just want to tell you. And I literally like started tearing up. I was like, it's okay, whatever. Like tell me whenever you're ready. And then I just like started to try to talk to her about like stupid shit. So then she can get her mind off of it. But it freaks me out that like,
But I guess in that sense, that's when I'm like, oh, damn, I would like to have a kid because it is sweet. And I do think I could be a good mother. I could be a good mother. I think the way I feel about my nephew right now, like where he was like wanted to be my best friend for like three years of his life from like eight to 11 or whatever, like
And now he's like hitting that age where he's like getting too cool and like doesn't want to hang out with me. That hurts more than anything in the world. And if my fucking kid did that to me, I'd kick it in the fucking mouth. Dude, it's like inevitable. Don't fucking play. Don't fucking play with me. It's literally inevitable. That's since I have that rhetoric in my head. I'm like, I can't have a kid. Like, I literally can't. Not right now. I want children. Because you're afraid of getting cool, guys. Yes. Dude, I feel like it's inevitable because I had that with...
all my siblings, like of every age, like there just came a point, especially because I, by, like I play, I felt like I played such a like parental role in all my siblings lives. So even with my older siblings, there was like a three year span where they felt like they couldn't talk to me because I was such a like parental figure in terms of when they would speak to me, I would try to give them advice and try to help them and like
help them traverse through certain issues and I think that kind of bit me in the ass where they felt a distance from me because I wasn't able to be a friend I was so busy trying to like help parent them and I feel like that's the thing with kids is like they want to be your friend whatever but then once it gets to the like authoritarian role that you have to play in those people's lives they just naturally will turn away from it because they don't want that they just want somebody to like be around I feel like that's like the hardest part of parenthood is having to navigate that and like
the fringe pick your like parenting style and like what works for you and your kid but also I feel like a lot of people just get lucky and they get really close to their kids like my mom is like one of those people who she's been really good with being friends with her kids sometimes almost too good at being a friend but like
I feel like that works until we were 18 to be friends. Yeah. I feel like there's a balancing act. You have to play with it. Yeah. It was cool. We just had one of those. We exist inside of the context of falling out of the coconut tree or whatever the fuck. You think you just fell out of a coconut?
You exist within the context of everything that has happened. Which you are. Yeah. Or whatever the fuck it is. Well, there's a fucking fake waterfall in China, y'all. Like, there is an active... And I'm fucking playing it like it's real. I don't give a fuck. No, that's what I was saying. I was like, people are like losing their fucking minds over this waterfall. Like, basically, it's a real waterfall. But during the dry season, they pump water out of a tube at the top of the waterfall and make it look like it.
And in the people's defense, they didn't say anything about it. They completely were just lying and acting like it was a real waterfall spraying over the edge. So then like everybody, when they found out that this waterfall and it's a gorgeous waterfall that when they found out it was fake, they were like,
Bro, what the fuck? We've been lied to. We've been tricked. And then all of the fucking like flat Urfa. Flat Urfa. I'm a flat Urfa. We're in the comments like being like, see, the world is a stage and we're just playing. Officials have apologized after a video emerged that appears to show China's tallest waterfall being fed by a pipe in the rock.
I didn't think that shit is that deep, but also like...
My special interest is bodies of water and I don't give a fuck where the body of water came from. I'm getting in that bitch. Like I'm literally, unless it's like a puddle. My special interest is body of tea. My special interest was cruise ships.
And I know about every cruise crash. Cruise ships? What is that? I'm going cruising later tonight. I have a stand-up joke with that bit in there. Should I get into stand-up? Yeah, just get into it, honestly. Shit, are y'all ready? Cat got your tongue? Well, get him out of your mouth. That's unsanitary.
"Beat around the bush," they say. "Um, why the fuck am I seeing a guy jerk off and blast rope around a bush?" "Beat around the bush?" "Uh, why are you punching my dick?" "When I'm on the airplane--" Oh, this is more impressions. "When I'm on the airplane, I always hear the pilot on the intercom saying, 'Doo-doo!'" "This is your captain speaking. Expect some turbulence in the next three minutes. Enya's mom is walking down the aisle."
I was on a cruise ship. Not that type of cruise, weirdos. That it? No, no, no. And the boat was rocking like crazy. Rock the boat, hey, rock the boat. Rock the boat, hey. And I look out of the window and I see Kai's mama swimming in the ocean next to the boat. The waves were huge. You know how comedians do sound effects like...
I feel like that could apply to just regular gambling. Oh my god. Okay.
Safari is crazy. How does the internet and the animals coexist? I think they'd be attacking each other and eating the internet cable. You know the sharks that ate the internet cable? Tried to take us down. I think that was it. Straight male listeners, I am with you. We are in this together. Oh wait, I'm like looking right here like the camera's right there. Straight male listeners, I am with you. We are in this together.
A lot of people like to comment like, oh, why are you listening to this podcast? It's like for the girls and the gays. Like, no, we're here and we're doing this together. Just wanted to let you know. You scare me. Well, SZA wrote a whole album about me and I didn't even fucking realize it. I didn't even realize it, bruh. Hold on. Look. What's it called? You're obsessed with your exes. It's Control and SOS. She wrote two albums about me. Those were all about you? Yes. This song?
Tuesday, Friday, Saturday. She was cheating on me. Saturday, Sunday. What is the boys? Saturday, Sunday, Monday. Hey, what are the Saturdays for? Saturday, Sunday, Monday. No, what are the Saturdays for? Phil. Hey, Phil. What are Saturdays for? Sunday, Saturday, Monday. No, what else are they for?
Saturday. Saturdays are for the... Saturday. No. Sunday. Saturday. Saturday. Saturday. Like, was he, like, on a fucking, like, Kalonipin? Why was he, like, so tapped out? He was probably drunk as fuck because they were at the bar. Okay, I have a hypothetical for you, Inya. Would you rather kill me or take two of Azul's legs from him?
And you have to eat the legs. Oh, I have to eat the legs? No, I'm not doing... I'm killing myself. No, you have to kill me or Azul. I'm not eating the legs. So you're killing me? Well, no, if I don't have to eat the legs, I'll take Azul's fucking legs. Oh, that'd be so annoying. Which one is it? I'm gonna take Azul's legs. Like...
like why did you even think of that i don't know i think i saw like a handicapped cat azul shit on my bed oh yeah he's over y'all azula's dead ass over like i literally came home from a day that was already like taxing whatever boohoo cry me a river and i go into my room and there's a fucking turd on my bed and now i'm terrified and i haven't replaced my covers because i'm
i'm sorry and yeah that's like really hard my life is really well um i forget what we were watching but they mentioned the idea that like or like when the first movie premiered on the silver screen it was like uh it was like a recording of a train yeah it was like a recording of a train
and the people in the audience literally ran out of the audience because they thought the train was gonna like hit them because they'd never seen i mean it makes sense they'd never seen a moving picture before in their life but just the idea of that was like fucking killing us like that is so embarrassing too like imagine how those people felt after i'm gonna i'm gonna run at the camera and they're gonna jump out of the way
Are you going to do that right now? You're probably going to trip on fucking wire. Yeah, I looked down and saw. I didn't trip. You tripped. I didn't trip. You attacked me and then tripped. Well, you deserved it. I was just trying to be nice. And I don't give a fuck because it hurt me. I love Chapel Rome. Don't fucking look at me because you're next. I won't. I won't look at you.
Chapel Roan, more like chapless ass or assless chaps inside of a chapel in Rome. That's a good one. That was really good. Can I get the Chapel Roan burger hold the Statue of Liberty sauce? Extra joint. Can I get the Chapel Roan burger H-O-T-T-O-G-O? H-O-T-T-O-T-O. O-G-O. Fuck. Like, bitch. She literally does it with her arms. How do you not know? I don't know.
I just don't know. Well, okay. I drink two days in a row. Are you serious? Yeah. You probably... Bitch, when he says that, he means he had a sip of a fucking whiskey sour and was like, ooh, I'm crazy, I'm crazy. I was crazy. And then immediately got tired and went up to the room. And then the next day, I will say he chugged a drink by the pool and then complained about it for an hour. I was like, I hate that. I don't know why I did that. I hate that. I hate this. I drank for two days in a row. That's technically true. I went crazy. I went crazy.
I lost my fucking mind. And low-key, it was three nights in a row because I did have a sip of your whiskey sour the night before. That's true. I was blackout. Guys, it's a slippery slope, y'all. All I can think about is wanting to drink. I can't do it anymore. I had three drinks this weekend and then I woke up the next morning and I wanted to blow my brains out. Back to me. Yeah, I really don't like alcohol. That's it. I don't have much else to say. I love alcohol. I think alcohol is a good thing.
For everybody. Everybody involved. Well, I don't remember if I've told this story before, but I was thinking about how last year when me and Orion were in Portugal for our trip, I was really high and we were saying at this like,
this home that had like a little ledge and pillars inside of it and then she was like she was like for some reason this home gives me like Sharon Tate vibes and I was like what and I didn't know how Sharon Tate died and she told me and I have never been so scared in my whole fucking life like I was actually petrified I was so scared wait something else scared me the other night oh fuck I was talking about something oh no actually no that wasn't the other night I was really scared recently when I was high because I was convinced I was gonna go to hell
Well, yeah, you are. I didn't do anything. Let's talk about what you do in front of the church. That's what was freaking me out. But we don't need to get into details. But I actually was really like...
One of my friends was like, "Oh, do you believe in heaven and hell?" And I was like, "No." And then she was like, "But if hell is real, that's an eternity. Do you understand how long that is?" And that thought carried into me being really high that night. And I was like, "Religion is so fucking scary, bro." -Bitch, I'm cooked. -You're scaring us. It's scary. You're scaring me. You're scaring me. That's why I started Druth. The Druth. And I am the leader.
The idea of some of the things that people think will get you sent to hell, though, is crazy. Bitch, I'm just having fun, the fuck. Adam and Steve, more like Florence and the Machine. Florence and the Machine, like, because I like Florence. No, you're a vibrator. Okay, well, my back hurts so bad, but I, like, refuse to go to a chiropractor because I do not believe in chiropractors. Like, I think that is the biggest scam of all time. They're funny. They just beat you the fuck up and that's supposed to help, like...
There's actually no way. How many deaths have occurred from chiropractors? Oh, I'm looking that up. I need to know. Like, it's gotta be in the thousands. Yeah, when they crack people's necks, it looks like you could easily fuck that up. Yeah, no. And like when I was there, like I was getting back shots like crazy. Like they kept breaking my back and like bending me over and shit. It was like crazy. Dude, I'm not a chiropractor. I'm not a licensed. 26 fatalities were published in the medical literature and many more might have remained unpublished. Since. I don't know.
Because if that's in a year... 25 deaths per 75 years would mean that roughly 33 deaths occur each year. Oh my fucking God. That's a lot. Like, damn, bitch. And I would be the bitch to fucking die after getting my back pinned. It's not worth it. It's not worth it for real. I went to one for like a year and all they did was just put me through fucking radiation and take like a fucking x-ray scan of my body and just tell me, yep, everything looks good, but we have to do this, this, and this. And they would just do that like every...
every two months and it was just completely useless because my back still hurts and now I'm out of a lot of money. So like it was, it was negative. No, your back hurts because I put your ankles behind your ears the other day. Well, that fixed me. That like gave me relief on my sciatica. Y'all are fucking nasty, bruh. Yeah. It's that scene in Challengers at the very beginning. Do you remember that? Mm-hmm.
No, we only saw it once because we were normal. You saw it eight times, so you know every scene by detail. I could probably write out the full script of Challengers by memory, including the details of like, so-and-so walked into the room, interior, day-dight. Honestly, it is getting to that point. There's a scene where he gets stretched out at the beginning. He gets all stretched out. Oh, I think I do remember that. Oh, yeah, and his bulge was out and shit. Yeah, his bulge was out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Should we get in the media? Yeah.
chicken the media no that's what it sounded like it sounded like you said chicken the media um okay my media is um controlled by sZA she wrote it about me so duh and then what's that one taylor swiss song drew looks at me i write a note so he won't see i actually don't know fuck drew looks at me fake a smile so he won't
So he will see. Okay, bye. Teardrops on my guitar because that's the other song that was written about me. And then that fucking... Sabrina Carpenter? Wait, was that one about me? No, you're thinking of Billie Eilish. Yeah, yeah. Oh, is it? The back part. I tried to lay them back and wipe it. I'm so droop. Yeah, I see. That one. I forget. And then the whole Drake and Kanye joint concert experience.
That's your media of the week? Like, what are you fucking saying? How are you trying to make media of the week about him? That was all about me. They did that for me. Oh, I totally forgot about that. They did it to battle out. I always forget about that. Who want me? Who want me? Who want me?
Well, my media of the week is Please, Please, Please by Sabrina Carpenter. That's that Taylor Swift song, right? Bruh, he has asked that Taylor Swift like eight times unironically. Sympathy is a knife and everything is romantic and girl so confusing off the Charli XCX album. Did you hear the two new ones that just dropped? No, are they good? I think they're some of the best songs. Damn. Are they about me?
Yeah, they're both about you, actually. And now he'll listen. They're about a mean girl. No, it's Guess and then the one that she was teasing on TikTok. Spring Breakers. Oh, yeah. That's sick. Yeah, no, that album's rollout was...
so fucking sick like I haven't seen a good album roll out in like a couple years and that one ate down like that fucking wall like her pulling down the fucking curtain at the concert what is it Lollapalooza or whatever the fuck Barcelona yeah I think it was Lollapalooza for some reason that clip cracked me up because she was standing at the wall for so long but I love her so much but it was cracking me up like
You're just standing and waiting for the right moment. But yeah, the rollout is really good. The live stream of The Wall has been really good. That album is just really good. Also, I'm balding. I'm literally balding. I noticed that in you. Actually, I'm balding. You see that. I do see that, yeah. Fuck! You're over. Couldn't that just be from...
Like ponytail? Yes. You're saying she has male pattern baldness? I do. Girl, no you don't. You're just looking at it too much. Look at that though. I can see it on the camera. Look how bad it looks on camera. Oh shit, it actually does look crazy on camera. Wait, look at my hair on camera. Oh my god. Do you see that over there? I think I'm going to get a breast reduction. Oh yeah, that is your vibe for the summer. Yeah.
I want small boobs. I'm tired. Well, that's fucking boring, and I'm not gonna touch you with a 10-foot pole after you get your boobs removed. I can't wait to have my small boobs out and not get arrested for it. We can recover together, because I'm getting bone stretching. I'm trying to hit 6'3". 6'3". 6'3". The perfect height for a guy. Did I tell you I was also getting that surgery?
Are you actually? Yeah. Where are you getting that? So embarrassing. Turkey. I'm going to Turkey also. But I'm getting like seven inches at it on because I'm like, oh, I could. Because you're hella short and I'm not as short. So no, because I want to be an NBA player. We literally said in an episode like so long ago, you're five foot three. I forget about that. I'm five four. I'm five four. Five four with the inserts we gave you. Five five if I posture max. And but it's normally five two without shoe.
Without shoot. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. A barely lit path. One of tricks point never answers me. Arthur Russell. Oh, bitch. I've been watching H2O by. Oh, fuck. Just add water. The mermaid TV show. I watched.
Four episodes last night. Fucking horrible. But, like, it was unlocking and doing things to my brain that I fully wasn't prepared for. And now I want to be a mermaid. And I want a mermaid tail. And I want to be able to freeze, boil, and move water with my mind. Yeah. You should be able to do that. They're basically waterbenders from Avatar. Yeah. So... I love Arthur Russell. Trying to find the...
the song that he has a lyric that like I feel like Charlie sampled but I can't remember fuck whatever all right thank you guys for watching bye