Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
Mom, Dad, I humbly suggest you save some money and shop Amazon for back to school. It's for my growth, meaning my body's growing at an alarming rate. And clothes you buy me this year will be very small very soon. Plus, the clothes I love today will be out of style tomorrow. But at least your wallet doesn't have to be my fashion victim.
if you shop low prices for school at Amazon. Hopefully this is helpful. Amazon, spend less, smile more. Hey guys, welcome to Emergency Intercom where we get crazy.
We do wild things on here, but we can also get serious. We can also make love and meaning. Meaning of this sick and twisted world. You saw the diarrhea plane? The diarrhea? Dude. Wait, actually, do you have that video? Because I didn't watch it because I wanted to react to it. So there was this airplane that was flying across the sea. It got two hours into their trip.
I think they were taking flight out of Atlanta. Yeah. And two hours into their trip, someone was fighting fucking demons, bro. Like real fucking demons. And when you see the video, you're going to know what I was talking about. Wait, there's a video of? No, no, no. But like it was like.
It was two hours in the flight. This person like must have been like really down bad because like their butthole like it looked like it was spraying like it the aisles were covered in human shit like it looked like multiple people sprayed feces everywhere, but it was so bad that like it was like splattered shit all down the hallway and they were like fucking running to the bathroom like
Like spring poop out of your butt? Wait, that's like I have that picture of the girl who shit at the club. Yeah, literally. Have I shown you that? Literally, yeah. Dude, Ty, this is going to make you... Diarrhea plane. I want to get in bed. Diarrhea plane. Damn, wait. I'm low-key serving Olivia Rodrigo right now. Okay, here's the video. Wait. Viewer discretion is advised. Oh, they covered it all up. Oh, there it is. Ah!
Look, it like goes all the way up the aisle. Do you see how far it goes up the aisle?
Like, why are they shitting like that? I'm not putting it in the episode. Like, yeah, we can't show that. It's literally like turds. What's annoying is I really want... We can't insert that, but I really want to insert what I have. Oh my gosh. On my phone right now because it's the craziest thing ever. I've never had to shit like that before. Dude, that's what I'm saying. Like, literally, what was going on? Like, why were they spraying turds? No, that's a vibe. Like...
No way that looks like fucking peanut butter. We can put that in the episode. But what's crazy is I literally was texting some friends before we went to a party. And one of my friends was like, dude, I have such bad diarrhea and I'm wearing a dress like I'm going to shit on the floor. And then I literally looked up girl shit on the floor in the club and I found this. Dude, those videos of just like the most random people that like look like they've done it for their entire life where they just like.
shake a turd out of their pant leg and it just plops on the ground of a gas station. Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second, because is that like a conversation?
like a common video because I've never seen at least six videos just going around the internet where someone will like just like be standing up and drop a turd out of their pants and then just keep walking like nothing happened and it's all like recordings of like security cameras where they're like recording like the turd falling out and it's like it's so fucking funny yeah just look up like security camera footage someone shitting inside my
convenience store or something. That is so crazy because it just is such an animal instinct to put, like, you just have to poop. You naturally have to do those kind of things. And also, I don't know why my brain is going here, but last night as I was falling asleep, I literally, I,
I was like, I sit here. Maybe my projections of you being schizophrenic and losing your mind in the future are just me because that's where I'm headed. I don't know how to describe this. I was not high. I was not drunk. I was dead sober falling asleep last night. And when I closed my eyes, I literally like...
I had a moment where I like felt my whole existence and I felt everything in my body. Like I felt my whole body and like, like the weight of it and like everything moving through it. And then literally listen to this. And then it was like, you know, those fucking stupid ass cameras that award shows that like swing around. Like I,
I envisioned myself because my brain 3D scans my whole body. Girl, you astral projected, bro. You were omnipresent. I scanned my whole body and then it was just nothing. I was just in someone's Tumblr grid feed. It was so weird. You know when everybody was obsessed with just a white thing with black?
black lines. Like I was there. Like it was literally like in a video game where you're, you walk too far outside of the world. So it's just like the 3d, like rendering, like it has to render out. That's what I felt like. And I, it freaked me out. I immediately opened my eyes and then I just looked around. I was like, okay. Um, and then I grabbed my iPhone and I drowned myself. That's like, that's the real problem is like, once you realize like why you like,
Okay, like when you start consciously thinking about why you picked up your phone or why you hit the puff bar or why you turned on the TV or why you opened your laptop, like whatever it is, like once you start like locking in and thinking about the thoughts you had before that, that's how you crack the code because like there's a reason why you want to dull your senses or like need that spike of dopamine and it's because your brain is thinking some thought that you don't like that you're running from and once you stop running,
running from those thoughts that's when you unlock like superpowers and i'm never gonna stop running that's why my screen time is 18 hours superpowers like i don't need that that's the thing is like what like
What are you going to gain? What are you going to gain? - Literally, okay, so you know like in ancient times how they like demonized sex and made like sex, like made everyone in the world still guilty about sex. Like you can't have sex without like being like a little guilty about it. What if instead of sex, the Catholic church chose
shitting so everyone was just going around like holding i don't i never do that i don't have sex before marriage i don't shit before marriage i don't shit before marriage well girls do that girls don't poop until they die when they die they drop a huge load yeah and that's why i've seen it my grandma look it up look it up look it up girls coffins are bigger yeah my grandma's coffin their lower half becomes full of poop yeah it was crazy my my grandma's coffin was like full of turds
It smelled so bad. It was like the worst. Every woman funeral smells really bad. How many women's funerals have you been to? Like 36. I go to the victims. I go to my victims' funerals. You seen the pictures and videos of me hanging out with Shawn Mendes going around? There's no... You have never hung out with Shawn Mendes. Correction. I did. Let me find the pic.
It was before Beyonce, before Toy, before Rainbow Slurpee. His Clout Chaser album. I know, like what? Was it before you looking at the Masonic imagery in Mr. Beast videos? Let me see, let me see. I'm going to send it to you. I airdropped it. I'm going to cancel that because it's taking you too long.
Oh my god, I'm actually gonna freak the fuck out. "Hey, you need a new phone because yours is moving so slow." "Oh my god, they unveiled the new iPhone today so your phone is going slow. Guys, they're doing it again!" They literally are, bro. They're throttling my shit. I don't believe in that shit. Y'all are fucking tweakers, bitch. It's 'cause you use that damn phone too much so your battery is melting the fucking memory. There was an actual court case. There was an actual court case where, like, they're awarding people money because it was proven that Apple throttles batteries. Like, it's a real thing. That's okay.
I'm so mad about that. Here it is. Me and Shane. Me and Sean. Fuck you. Me and Shane. Fuck, there is a picture of me and Sean. It's actually so funny and I wish I could fucking find it, dude. Dude, I literally, I cannot deal with my phone right now. This is like driving me insane. It was before, was it after this? Look at him. Stop. Look up Erewhon.
because it was in the air one do you have your no it wasn't in the air one you already know so it's not even funny to show you because i don't think i know because i'm asking you i'm asking you like what it is and you're saying it's not what i think it is it is exactly what you think it is oh then this is awkward because i here i found it
Dude, I cannot believe. I hate when you make that face. But y'all are hanging out in that. It kind of looks like a fan interaction. Kai, I sent it to you. You know what's crazy is that's the second time Drew Phillips and Shawn Mendes have been in an air wand together. So something is happening. Wait, this is it? Yeah, that's the one. Flash that one when I showed it to you and then flash it when I showed you.
But I think it should be coming in now. If you swipe over. Coming in hot. Hey, hot off the presses. Is Drew Phillips being a creeper? I'm not getting it. You're going to jail. They're throttling your phone. That's why. This is too fucking much. This is so fucking much. I can't deal with this shit. You have had that phone for 18 years. I know I'm getting the 15, but then I saw it and I was like,
- I think it looks good. - So depressed. I was like, this shit is like so mid. This is what I was waiting for. Like my whole life. - I'll let you buy this one off of me and I'll buy the other one. - Girl, no, you'll give that one to me. - You'll get this for a discounted price. - Can you stop filming me? - Oh, you thought I was filming you? - Nah. - Guys, buy my wildflower case. Do you know I have a case? I have a collaboration case came out.
a year ago. Have you seen the, um, have you seen the, um, spy animals that they've been dropping in like animal society? No, I'm being dead serious. In animal society? Like, what are you talking about? Why have you
No, RR, let me fucking speak. Let me speak. Let me speak. No, they have been making fake critters of like monkeys, of turtles, of birds, of fucking things. And these birds are like drones. And they like, they drop them in these fucking things and they lay eggs and the eggs are fucking cameras. And then they record how other animals react. And these monkeys like,
Take this spy monkey. For sure, Drew. Chill, chill, chill, chill. These monkeys take these spy monkeys in and they treat it as its own because they're like, oh, this hurt little monkey can't even do anything for itself. And they'll fucking, one of them dropped it and it died and they made it just go still and die. And they literally held a funeral for this robot monkey. I need to see this. And it was, oh, now I love this, honey. No, I'm not showing you. Well, I need to see this.
I need to see it because it sounds like you're fucking making it up. Also, were they filming it and putting it on YouTube for profit? Because then we will really know the connection to monkeys and humans. Once monkeys start recording them giving food to people and money to people on Best Buy. But disaster strikes. An injured baby is a cause for concern. Oh, you thought I was lying? No. Look at his butt. And this langer seems to believe she's died. And then look.
Look at them! It's like a Zazool. Look, they host a funeral, like this is gonna make me cry. Yeah, no, it's like actually making me tear up. No, why is this making me cry? This is deep as fuck.
It's so obviously fake. Stupid ass, dumb ass critters. Stupid fucking ass monkey. Wow. Look. This has to be edited to make it look like they're actually... Look, they hug. They're so sad. He's looking up at God. Oh my God, what if monkeys think there's a God? We are their God.
Nah, we're the devil. Yeah. Quite accidentally, our spy creature is at the center of something extra. But yeah. That is wild. That actually made me tear up, I guess. Yeah, well, there's even more spy critters. Like, it's really fucking crazy. Okay, stupid ass monkeys, though, because that monkey looks obviously fake. And the spy bird is hilarious. It, like, literally made me fucking scream. Oh, yeah, this is a spy grub, which is so OD, like...
They made a fucking grub worm with a spy camera and the birds eat it. The birds eat it. They killed the fucking bird. And then, oh, here's one. They made a spy pile of shit. This is just the Ace Ventura movie. It then rolls. It like drops these cameras. And then that bird, look at the bird. Did you see it? That's a spy bird. Like what? What?
Is that so they can like film for her? Film for her? Like Discovery Channel? You thought I was filming you? You thought I was filming for her? But look, if you go through this subreddit, like there are so many. The thing is a lot of that footage kind of fucking sucks. Yeah, they don't even use that footage. The footage they're getting from the spy cameras aren't even good.
Oh yeah, the baby followed... He kicked the fuck out of that baby. And then it started... And the baby... The whole herd left the baby elephant behind. And then was... The baby like got stuck on the land because it's not allowed to go into the water because the...
First part is super muddy so it just got left behind and then the mom like forgot about him and then sprinted back and was like beating the shit out of him with its fucking trunk because it was like don't ever leave my side again and the mom like it was a learning lesson for both of them because it was like I gotta look out for my baby but elephants are like smarter than humans. That's me and you when we walk into a store and there's rocks in there. Yeah. You walk away from me to go look at the rocks. You start hitting me with a belt. Yeah.
but i do it sensually so i don't get in trouble we get in trouble for fucking each other because i get to fuck with your sister we should take you to get a makeover like i'm thinking we get no i don't need that because i'm already hot okay here's what i'm thinking for him here's what i'm thinking for you extension laminate your eyebrows perm your lashes we can perm your mustache to sit correctly no you you're not getting any we're not doing anything permanent
Oh, we can get you lip blushing though. We can get you lip blushing so your lips are permanently like overly pink. I need Kybella. Nothing in that. I need a facelift. Hey, hey. La Mer eye cream. Hey, you don't need anything. Thank you. What you need to do is love yourself. I mean, a lot of people need that, but I can't be of service to everybody. What do I look like, AAA? I'm going to start laughing like that.
Wait, this is my impression of Koi. Wait a minute.
I get no bitches. What did you say? Oh, I get no bitches. I thought you would understand because I just sounded like you. My name is Kai. That's not what I sound like. My name is Kai. I get no bitches. That's not what I sound like. Dude, he's doing it. You're better at sounding like you than you sound normally. My name is Kai. I get no bitches. That sounds like what you sound like. My name is Kai and I get no bitches. Yeah, that's how you sounded. You sound like fucking Kermit the Frog. My name is Kai. I'm so sorry.
I need Jim Henson to come back to life so I can fuck him. A lot of people I need to come back to life so I can fuck them. I'm going to do a teleprompter test. Oh, okay. Yeah. So...
rumors on the street and i'm killing them now do you want me to hold it for you that i can't read um and we're going to do the teleprompter test live and in 4k um what is the rainbow scope oh lgbt yes okay let's tap in pride
I'm sure a lot of y'all have noticed we don't have many ads anymore and you're probably thinking, wow, oh my God, I feel so bad for them. They deserve ads. But we're doing our job. You're not doing your job. You need to fucking subscribe and engage with me or I will never do my job again. I like I can't believe I miss reading ads. I like I miss the taste. Welcome to the Big Ant National Weather Forecast.
As we head into the middle of the week, we are seeing a storm system pushing west, which is already bringing rain showers up in the Pacific Northwest and light hail and sleet in the Rockies.
Moving across the eastern U.S., the very cool areas are starting to retreat. This is slow. We have around 51 New York City, and although there is still sunshine in Atlanta, it is cool 52, but it's getting warmer. In the central part of the country, we are starving between staying between 50 and 60.
Out west, we are seeing some rain cooler temperatures. Seattle is hovering around 49 and no need to put your suntan lotion on just yet. A little more weather down in Florida, scattered storms out in Orlando and Miami to some storms and quite powerful later on in the evening.
By Thursday, the storm system will increase in risky heavy rain and even large storms across the southern hemisphere of Texas and going into Louisiana, Baton Rouge. Okay. I want to die. Well, now I like watched you read it. So I feel like it's like, no. Yeah. Do a different one. Oh, my God. That was so funny. Honestly, if you ever need your spirits lifted, just watch Drew read out loud. Okay. Oh, my God. So embarrassing. What if I fuck it up?
Wait, that's the same one. And don't fuck it up. I'm so embarrassed that now I have a jewel in my hand because I used to be the person who made fun of people so bad for it. But honestly, I've never had advice in my life and I need something. What do you want me to do? Heroin? Let's use this practice session to report on the life and passing of Queen Elizabeth II of England. Her Majesty ascended to the... You... You put it in double speed, Mother Margaret. I put it in two times speed. But I was kind of eating though. You kind of ate. You kind of ate.
This has got to be too slow. Yeah. Let's use this practice session to report on the life and passing of Queen Elizabeth II of England. Her Majesty acceded to the throne at the young age of 25.
Though young and inexperienced in the role, through hard work and determination, she managed to visit every realm, some many times over. Every realm? What the fuck is she talking about? Like, she would meet with the prime ministers of her time regularly. This must have been a curious situation, being privy to sensitive information. While ensuring a neutral position, she continued in the fashion through a total of 15 prime ministers. Though
The queen's role as head of state saw her acting as diplomat and hostess to over 110 presidents. This shit, fuck the, what the fuck are they talking about? Fuck Queen Elizabeth. She can stay dead because I don't want to have sex with her. I want to fuck her. What if you could bring someone to life but only through the power of sex? Girl.
No, I mean, I... Yeah. It's just not funny because I can read and you can't read. Wait, wait, wait. Listen to this. You literally can by making babies. You bring someone to life planting your seed inside of a woman. Wow.
They fucking made babies in a test tube without sperm, and I think without egg, or a woman egg even. And they made it, and it was secreting chemicals that made a test present. Oh, my fucking God. Yeah.
That made a pregnancy test positive. Like, go off positive. And it was... Go off. There was no... Literally, they, like, made the DNA and shit on its own. Wait, but is it growing a baby or... Yes. Isn't that illegal? Like, why are bitches just growing babies in potions? Also, randomly in a fucking... Just randomly one day, we launched a nuclear warhead into the Pacific Ocean, like, a couple weeks ago. Maybe this week. Maybe last week. I don't fucking know. Where do you see all of this? Because, like, I just don't... Like, where? Like, where?
When I think of you on your phone, I'm like, there's no way you go this. Like, how do you use it? Like, I just don't understand. It's my superpower. I'm not even playing when I say that. It's fake news. No, that's not fake news. That's real. We launched a nuclear warhead and it was a show of power because we're like, look,
We got nuclear warheads that can reach all the way to fucking Russia wherever we need to launch these bitches. So don't fucking play. And it made me patriotic for half a moment. I was like, don't fucking send nukes at me because we will blow you up.
I think Mr. Beast is becoming war propaganda. It's not true. He's becoming pro-war propaganda. It is not true. This started as a corner with two freaks who liked Mr. Beast. Nowadays, I'm starting to question where he stands. And Mr. Beast, if you want to come onto the podcast and clear your name, we're always here for you. But for now...
You were being punished. Because... Oh, actually... Okay. Also, if you want to fly me out to North Carolina, first class only, don't fucking play with me. I'll have sex with Mr. B's. I would fuck him. Yeah, I'd fuck him. Yeah. Yeah, if I had to. Yeah. Actually, I'm not kidding. If I had to fuck him to see one of those explosions, 100%. I do need to see one of those explosions. I'll fuck anyone in the crew. Except Nolan. Wait, what's the... Or Carl. Carl. I'm like, except Nolan, except Carl. Wait, what's the one who we all think is kind of fine? Okay.
Chandler. Chandler. So I'll fuck anyone in the Mr. Beast crew except everyone except Chandler. Chandler and Mr. Beast. And then there's... Paro kind of freaks me the fuck out. Like, got some weird ass energy. Also, like, I don't know why I think it's okay to talk about living people our age and be like, so if I had to fuck one of them... Yeah, because if someone did that... No, actually, if someone was doing that about me, I'd be like...
I know. I miss when people openly said they wanted to fuck me. No one wants to fuck me anymore. And still no cum tributes on the Reddit. Like, where's the cum tributes, like, for me? The thing is, I think if that actually happened, people would be pissed. I'm giving people permission to literally come on a face of my picture. I need a snail trail across one of my pics, personally.
Like, I need, like, someone to move it like a holographic card. Should we eat ice cream for our first meal? Like, I'm not even kidding. Why does that sound good? I wanted ice cream, like, three nights ago. I want that. I want a sweet treat. I want the one on large. The Italian spot, yeah. You want to come get ice cream after this? Yes. We know you do. You just have to eat across the street. Oh, my God.
You just have to eat across the street from us. No, we found a good-ass spot. Can I eat with you guys this time? No. We are going to eat at Sweet Fin, and we're going to eat at the ice cream spot. Okay. No, but we found this really good spot.
That is like a major key alert. And they make the best Italian ice cream ever. Yeah, it's like Italian, like whatever the fuck they be calling it. Gelato. Oh, gelato. Smoking on gelato. Smoking on gelato. The next episode, I'm going to roll the fattest blunt you've ever seen and smoke the whole thing and then like pass out on screen. Just to like traumatize a few people. No, you're not. You're literally not going to do that. Blur that. You're literally not going to do that. I'm going to though.
Wait, why am I gonna? Okay, we're gonna answer some questions because we've never done that for a main episode and we thought it'd be fun. Like, just what are you guys thinking? It's a vibe. It's a vibe. If the questions don't provoke a funny answer, I'm gonna wish death upon whoever asked the question. It's a vibe. What's the best Fortnite season?
Season one, baby. Um, the best season was with the, the theater, the outdoor theater. When we all started first playing together, uh,
When you would land at the top. Like that was the best. That was like peak Fortnite. You had the automatic assault rifle with like the scope on it. Like it literally was the best. And I'm so upset because I wasn't that good at playing it yet. And I wish I could play that now because bitch, I would be killing it. Fortnite, y'all fucked up. It's too much now. Y'all weren't fucking with Fortnite in the real good season. I mean, Kai might have, but...
But just be like, I was there first. I played the first season. I was there first. The real season, like December 31st. No, no, no. Wait, let's actually find it. Because I have my very first win on camera. Oh, shit. Oh, my gosh. Drew's the last one standing. Oh, shit.
That was peak Fortnite, like getting home from school and going upstairs into your bedroom or going to your bedroom and isolating for three hours and playing with your friends and fucking sucking, dude. Everyone was so bad at Fortnite. Back then, like no one was good. And it was like, that was what made it fun. It wasn't like competing. Like you were just trying to stay alive and you weren't trying to kill as many people as possible. You were literally just like,
That was a vibe. Like, just trying to stay alive and hiding in bushes until the final kill and trying your hardest to get a kill. Because movement wasn't a thing yet. I didn't play when I was in high school because I was too busy getting home from school and then, like, banging your mama. Which, honestly, now that I look back at it, is probably not good. Actually, for me, it was after playing Fortnite, I was making your mama squirt juice. You were squirting? You were making your mama squirt juice. Did we create...
the no we didn't there's no way um someone the other day said cream team or squirt squad in front of me and in my head i was like that's my saying and i was like we didn't make that up squirt squad did you guys i think we might have made i think i made that up in like one of the first episodes like cream team or squirt squad but i don't know maybe i'm maybe we did it but yeah what someone said it the other day and i was like do you listen to the podcast like why are you saying that to me
Are you creamed him? I've only seen that in the comments of the podcast. Yeah, we I mean this this podcast low-key gives squirt squad like I don't think it serves cream team. We serve squirt squad. Like trying to think of what podcast would be like cream team.
Theo Vaughn's podcast is Squirt Squad. Yeah, that's Squirt Squad. Cream Team is like a doctor making a podcast. Yeah. Like, boring, boring. I love you and I listen to you, but boring.
Murder podcasts are killers. That's cream team. Squirters. No, that's cream team. They're squirting all over the place. No, they're like creaming and it's like... Guys, settle this debate in the comments. It like dries up like weird. Like they're... Murder podcasts are cream team. I feel like it's a squirt because it's like high energy and like... No, a squirt is like ludicrous. Like, oh my God, I can't believe you just fucking squirted. So like a Theo Von or like a Us or like a Trixie and Katya. Like those are like... That's all squirting. But like...
cream is more like like oh like it's on my fucking jeans i don't know i feel like it's a squirt you feel like it's a cream we can move on yeah we can agree to disagree next question do you guys feel creatively fulfilled what does that look like for you guys right now creatively fulfilled nor um there was like a moment where with the podcast it was like
All the creative I needed. But like everything I'm growing and changing. And it's just not like what I want it to be currently. But I'm hoping in the next few months the podcast becomes creatively fulfilling. Yeah, change is coming. And I hope it does become creatively fulfilling. However, podcast aside for me, I think like...
creating a show of some sort or like creating a cartoon like with original characters and all that is a vibe or just like starting a brand that like like not clothing because I suck at making clothing but like starting a brand outside that can live outside of myself and like be on the shelf at like Target or Walmart and like
for people to buy it and not know it's attached to me would be very creative. Yeah, I was going to say, I think it's like, it's hard when your creative fulfillment has so much to do with your own person. Like being a comedian and feeling creatively fulfilled, it's kind of difficult because this sounds annoying. Well, girls can't be comedians because they have vaginas. Oh, I was speaking for you. Okay, yeah. Because like men can't like articulate their thoughts properly. So I was just really looking at you and trying to read you. Yeah, and girls have vaginas so they can't be comedians. Yeah, because like, what am I going to tell the joke out of my pussy lips? Like, come on. Yeah.
But it's like hard as a comedian to feel creatively fulfilled, especially when it's not something I think we like turn on and off. I feel like we're constantly performing through day to day life. So it's hard to feel creatively fulfilled through that in terms of just
communicating or like doing the podcast because the podcast is so conversationalist i do feel fulfilled by it when i walk away and i'm like that was a really funny episode yeah i like literally get a high off of it but sometimes it's hard to just always make a funny episode but we are hopefully headed towards excited change which don't fucking complain when you see change because i'm gonna fucking slap you in the head um big things coming but yeah like i i
I think it's just important to find other creative paths to feel fulfilled. Recently, I've been like really into taking like photos and that's been like really fulfilling. Like I pulled out an old camera.
I want to get back to like taking photos and like I went somewhere the other day and like drew and like read like it's important to just like expand. Yeah. And I think like another thing, I mean, this might be just like our experience, but like I know when I'm like creating things and then I post it online, it immediately becomes just like so on exciting for me because like it becomes like a job. It becomes like a part of my job. Like,
So like if I like draw something, I don't know. Yeah, I don't share my drawings anymore because it literally takes away the magic. But it just makes it feel like, oh, okay, is this work? Like why am I adding this to like –
the person and business that is me online it's nice to just have those things and reserve them for myself and then every now and then post it so all my mutuals and friends could be like oh my god did you draw that and i'm like yeah i bet you didn't know i was sexy funny can draw can suck dick like a beast suck a dent out of a car door babe i need to stop like i i make way too many sex jokes
I'm just like, I feel like girls should be more open about their sex life. Like, I'm just here for the girls. No. Next question.
- Can you tell us your most, oh my God, I just realized whenever we've done a Q and A, I've listened to it back and I start every question with um, and I don't want to blow my brains out. And I just realized I was doing it. - Kai, you're beautiful. - That's okay. I say like every other word. - You do look good today though. - Actually? - Yes. I'm not even joking. - I feel like you're lying. 'Cause I saw my reflection on the way out and I was like, no, that's not it. - I literally saw him and I was like, what is different? And I was like, oh, he's got a little stubble. Like he looks nice. Kai looks fine. - Have you ever thought about growing in a mustache?
When I met him, he had a mustache. I did. I had one. Does yours grow pretty thick or is it like a thinner mustache? It's like in between. I feel like it's neither thin or very thick. Grow it out for us, guys. Yeah, I'm trying to like imagine you with a mustache right now. Do it and then post it online and watch the girls go crazy. Okay. Can you tell us your most common intrusive thought? Kill myself, kill myself. Wait, calm or? Or common. Oh.
Yeah. It's death. No, like all encompassing, consuming. Like I need to watch a plane crash right now. Like I need terror, terror, terror, terror, terror, nightmare, nightmare, nightmare, nightmare. But you know what I think it is? I've said this before, but I think it was growing up so depressed and like still having like...
That's such a depressing answer. Yeah. Mine is also like if I'm holding a baby to like push it soft spot, like I'm like, I need to fucking kill this baby. I need to rip it limb for limb. I guess my most intrusive thought is... Crash his car. If I'm next to someone who I have any sort of love for, I want to like pinch them or like punch their arm. Yeah. And you has been like attempting to poke my butthole recently, but like out of love and like...
It hasn't quite got there yet, but the day it happens will be very magical for both of us, I feel. It's such a bad habit. If I'm close to someone... It only happens on the stairs. This sounds so bad, me saying this, but our friend group is very like this. I don't know. It sounds so bad. But I love...
like going to touch someone's like butt cheeks or like yeah i mean i literally just will walk by and grab your ass it's like funny for us but if someone else did it to me i'd be like literally what are you attacking me but it's just like it's so funny i think it ties back into us thinking like sexual stuff is really funny but like i love pinching like my friend's asses and that's my intrusive thought like if somebody's ass is in my face i'm like i need to poke their fucking
butt right now that actually i was gonna say like one of my intrusive thoughts this isn't me joking is like when i'm like talking to you like every time i'm talking to you i like want to grab your boobs and like be like honk honk like i want to honk your boobs like so bad and he'll like reach out to him like hello like what are you doing i literally just want to go see we talk like this and then we're like why do people think we fuck wait
Why do people think we actually have sex and stuff and whatnot? All right. Next question. Tits or ass? I'm more of an ass man myself, but boobs and bonbons can do it for me. Yeah, you could get down with some... Bonbons or bronson? Why pick between those two? Which one? Bonbons or bronson? For me? Yeah. Bronson, probably. Yeah, I'd say bonbons. I don't know that I care about bonbons. Like...
Because I have boobs. So I'm like, why do you need tits too? If I woke up in a woman's body. You would want G-sized tits. I don't even know what the sizing scale is. G is humongous. A, B, C, D. Like Big Destroyer Cock Destroyers? Double D, Triple D.
E-F-G. By the cock destroyers. By the cock destroyers. There's actually a question that says if you guys woke up in your opposite bodies, what's the first thing that you would do? Go outside. I would... Touch grass. I would... I would record myself. Give his body a new experience and go the fuck outside.
shock his system drink some water I would fully just shock his system wake up have a green juice drink water I would shoot my arm up with heroin and take a video of me doing it and post it on my IG story and say like this is the new me but make it really artsy would you at least block my parents from seeing it no everyone would see it yeah I'd ruin your life
I could spin that for me. I could make that really good for me. No, like you would be addicted and it wouldn't be fun. No, but then I could spin it for me and like be like, guys, I really need help. And then start to go fund me, but then use the money to buy shoes. Yeah. So I guess we would do good things for each other. I would shoot you up with heroin and you'd make me touch grass. And I would like make you healthy. So it's perfect. And if I woke up in Kai's body. Madness and madness combination. Combination. If I woke up in Kai's body, I would look in the mirror and say, I love you.
Oh, thank you. Because I feel like you need to love yourself a little bit more. Yeah, if I woke up in your body, I would get rid of all the mirrors in my home. Oh, okay. And cover my iPhone with the privacy. Because they broke because you looked at them. Oh, whoa. Next question. What do you imagine you would be doing if your paths had never crossed and you never met each other? I would legitimately...
be like addicted to drugs in a crazy way. Like that's not even a joke. Like I was going down such a dark path and I'm, we'll probably never be ready to talk about it. Do you think I had anything to do with your trajectory on that though? No, but if we just like didn't have aspirations to move in, if we didn't even know each other, like I would probably not be doing the internet and doing heavy drugs all the time. Um, I, I,
I think I would probably still be here. Just like,
maybe not as happy because I don't think like if I didn't meet you like because I met Christian than you than everybody but like meeting you at that first show is kind of what roped me in because when I went there I felt so awkward and didn't speak to anybody so if I didn't meet you I probably wouldn't have done that it was literally love at first sight yeah like not even like not even joking it wasn't like we immediately clicked so well soulmates except I thought I was gonna like marry you
Like, not actually, but I was, like, obsessed with you. I mean, I have that effect on people, bro. Oh, my God. You're taking that straight to your head. There is not a single person who I'm friends with who at one point I wasn't like, oh, my God. But for me, for you with me, it was, like, deeper, though. Yeah, I think I would still be in L.A., but...
And honestly, like it sounds annoying to say, but I probably still be here with a podcast. But like I would probably be doing it alone with Emma Chamberlain with Ember, Ember Chamberlain. Yeah. But yeah, I'd probably just be like Dolo doing the same thing and just like wanting to kill myself.
Yeah. So my life wouldn't fucking change. You know, I have this really, really unethical documentary that like if I created, I wouldn't be able to tie my name to. And I'm not going to give you the rundown because you will think I'm a fucking monster. But it kind of ties into like I would probably be documenting my life as a drug addict low key, which is a vibe and someone should do. Oh, my God.
All right. That got pretty, pretty dark there at the end. And yeah, what was the experience like filming with Brat TV? Oh, I'll take this. I don't think I've ever talked about this. Have I talked about this? Sure.
I don't think so. So. Because you were recording a documentary. Yeah. So if you don't know, that's like not even a joke. Like the reason I did that brat series isn't because I was aspiring to be a fucking actress with brat TV. Although I would like to pursue acting maybe when I'm like 42. Because I do love being on camera. But right now it makes me want to help you, baby.
Basically, I had always made fun of Brat TV. I thought it was like really funny, like low quality production. Me and Josh, I got the offer to do it. And then I like pulled Josh aside. I'm like, I was like, dude, it'd be so funny to film behind the scenes and make like a mockumentary of like,
Just like every famous person has like, oh, it's like, like, well, like the camera always starts hearing they're like, what's your name? Like, what are you doing? Like, what's the journey you're about to go on? And that was kind of like, I wanted to make a mockumentary style thing about like a young influencer who was really convinced that they were about to fucking win an Emmy off this really shitty show. Yeah.
um and Josh came with me every day to sit like I said I said I would do it if they let me bring Josh and I told them I was gonna be vlogging for my YouTube channel they said yes because they were like okay yeah you're gonna promote the show um
and Josh came with me to set like almost every other day. And we would just like film bits. Like the first day I was there, my car got towed. And like, we did like a whole funny bit over it of like me being like, just delusional, taking like an Uber black to the towing place. Um,
Just whatever. Like shit like that. Like Youngblood was in the show and we got a really funny clip of me going up to him. And like my character thought it was Lil Xan. And I kept calling him Lil Xan. And I was like, Lil Xan is here. Like, holy fuck. Like whatever. And it was just like me being delusional. Like in the kissing scene, we have like shots of me like doing the kiss and then pushing the guy off of me. You kissed another guy. It was for work. Don't be like that. It was for work. Don't be like that.
This happens every time I didn't say where I kissed him so it doesn't count Drew gets really jealous. Oh, but yeah like it's like me like running. Yeah, I'm yours now. That's all that matters It doesn't matter how many people I fucked and screwed and like made squirt. I saw you're shaking I saw this really delusional tick-tock actually no keep going because um
Yeah, there was a clip of after I kissed him for the scene, me pushing him off and running to the bathroom and throwing up and being like, dude, he's so disgusting. He doesn't even have an IMBD yet. I can't believe I just kissed that fucker. Whatever, just stupid shit like that. But what happened is while I was filming, because I'm such an empath, I literally fell in love with the production team there. I just was meeting all these people and it really had me thinking about
It actually was such a good experience for me because I'm so easily like, oh, you're corny, you're cringy, whatever. But meeting all those people, I'm like, all these people have aspirations to make something like quote unquote better. And this is kind of their like jumping platform or some of them just genuinely enjoy making like content like this that is for like younger audiences. And they like enjoy being a part of the team and they love their job. And I just got so close to everyone on set and it didn't help that I was going through like a breakup at the time.
So I was like really emotionally charged and all these people kind of knew about it because I was just like in such a hard like situation.
It was like such a tumultuous time, actually, when I think about it. But I literally loved the whole crew. I just like fell in love with everybody on the set. And oh my God, you're such a jealous bastard. It was four years ago. Like, get over it. But yeah, and then I just never used any of the documentation that we got. We never cut it into anything. We never did anything with it. We never really watched the footage at all. Yeah, we never looked at the footage. I wonder if Josh still has it. I think so. Josh, do you still have... Is he here? I think he left.
Me talking to the bathroom, the empty bathroom.
I think he still has it. Josh is really good with saving like everything he does. Dude, he has like actually the last like six years of us documented like in a very heavy way. And we were watching clips from like when we all first started filming together and it's crazy like how much we've all changed. Like you and Josh haven't really changed much like visually, like appearance wise. But like me and Christian like look like crazy. Like I was still in my like twink arc.
I'm not a fucking twink. Someone say you're still. No, I'm not a fucking twink, bitch. Oh, my God. I'm like an otter. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. You're like, yeah. Oh, you're cute. You're a cute man. Thank you. Yeah, we never did anything with it. And I just like let it rock. And I was like, I'm not going to like make fun of this thing that also I committed so much time to. And then that had me thinking, too. I'm like.
It's like as I grow older, I'm like, I can make fun of something as much as I want. But if I find enjoyment of it, then I am just being prideful and judgmental for no reason. And it's okay to be a part of things that I don't worship as top tier art. And yeah, that's my overly long answer.
It was really fun, actually, being with Denzel, too. Like, me and Denzel became, like, good friends via that. Okay. Oh, my God. Hey. Another man? No, Denzel doesn't like, like, girls. Like... Oh, he's coming back. Okay. I don't think, like, you do. Next question. Next question. Okay. Next and last question. Okay. I'm trying to find another one. Find a juicy one, Kai. It's all up to you. If you don't find a good one, you're gonna destroy the vibe.
Kai, if your middle name was Bella, it would be Kai Bella. Oh, yeah. That's good. Okay. I'm really struggling to find one. A lot of these say do it far. A lot of them say cream team or squirt squad. You guys are crazy. But that's why I love you. Do a lot of them say Kai is beautiful? Because they're telling the truth.
I would question that too. So if I was asked a question, I would be like, is Kai beautiful? And the answer would probably be like, no, beautiful is the wrong word. Yeah, when I look in the mirror, they break. It's more like jarring, jarring. No, no, no, no. Kai knows he's attractive. You have to know you're an attractive man. I genuinely do not think that. Like, I really am.
I'm not just being humble when I say this. I think it's a meme that people are like,
you know what I mean like it's like an inside joke on the podcast yeah you're hot like yeah you're an attractive man I'm not friends with ugly people so hello you're right there but I guess you're an employee so me just like frantically trying to find a question you're right there so you are friends with ugly people I'm friends with the monster that's out of my bed Drew when album drop when's the album dropping
So I've been working on it for like, what, like six years now. It is really my magnum opus. It's like potentially the greatest thing I've ever created. Oh, your magnum opinus? It might never see the light of day, honestly. I don't think.
years are deserving for it's definitely ahead of its time and like if i dropped it now it would flop people wouldn't fuck with it but in 15 years they'd be like damn he was like really creating shit for the future like people just wouldn't understand it now so i'm like do i drop it now or do i wait 10 to 15 years and drop it then when it's like
when the ears are ready. That's what I'm struggling with. Like, do I want to be cool now or do I want to be cool in the future? I heard it and it's insane. Yeah. Like I can't enjoy music anymore. Yeah. Because I'm always comparing everything to that. Yeah. I mean, I feel the same way. I'm not even going to be humble about it. It really is an masterpiece. Okay. Should we do Drew Psy Up Corner? Yeah. I'll only give them three today. The inventor of celery be like, damn, I wish I could bite water with hair in it.
That's a good one. - I'm so freaking excited for autism, like beautiful orange and red leaves everywhere. Oh yes, and pumpkin spice lattes. - Oh my God, the other day I had my first meal was a pumpkin spice latte and oysters. - And a cigarette. - So yeah, and cigarettes. So if you're wondering how my coochie taste, it tastes like Chernobyl. - People died. He only misses me 'cause I could suck a dent out of a car door.
Damn. For real. Send that to me, please. I hate cheap ass toilet paper. I just fingered my asshole. Inya knows everything until I ask her, what's that smell? That was a good one. Y'all are eating discharge like, she got that wet wet. No, you are eating cream of mushroom. That's discharge, babe. Oh, yeah.
And then this one is mid. No, I'm not even going to fucking say it. No, say it. Say it. I need to know. It's stupid. Social media is only toxic to miserable people. I'm having a ball on this bitch. It's literally true. Y'all need to just fucking relax a little bit. We need Tumblr to come back because we need that echo chamber of everyone just yelling at each other. And it needs to be just there. I'm trying to find this one that I have. Okay, so here is...
Oh, wow. We, like, can't put that in. He would be pissed. We can ask him. We'll ask. Okay. I think I... Maybe I read this, but I'll add to Psy Op Corner. I offered you five hits from my elf bar. He offered you 20, and that's why you chose him. But what you didn't know was that he had 500 puffs left, and I had only five. Whoa. That's crazy. What the hell? Makes you think. That's actually really deep. All right. So... Should we get into media? Yeah.
Okay. I guess we have no choice. A barely lit path, one-oh tricks point, never. You know what I listened to finally, and I could listen to it all the way through, and I did cry, but it felt good, was what was that fucking song, Texas song, Dead Brother, driving up and down the street. Slow Dive? Yes, Slow Dive. Roving? Roving, yes.
That song. Slow roving or? Yeah, listen to that fucking song. Star roving. Yes. Also, I saw a video of the dad of an interview of a dad of the dad. Oh my fucking god. This song is so good. I saw a video of...
The lead in Slow Dive, talking about how he has like a 12 year old daughter that like had no idea what music he made and just thought he was in an old lame band and that was it. But then his daughter started like realizing her friends have been listening to Slow Dive a little bit. And it was just like,
a cute moment for him and his daughter because now she's like interested in his work and she always was like this shit's bullshit you're in a shitty band oh i wish my dad was in slow dive hello yeah so you're like on the podcast right now mom and i was curious if i should come back home to texas in like a week or so oh good god no drew shut up i can't talk right now oh oh my god fuck oh my fucking god no that's a fun game we play
I don't... Oh, are you about to cry? She seems serious. That's a fun... No, it's like fun for us. Drew, do you want me to cut that? I know. Just like, should we stop? Do you need to take a break? Hello? Oh, he's rebooting. Just kidding. He'll be back. What is... What do you mean rebooting? Oh. Welcome back. Hey! Okay, we're gonna get back into media, guys. Sorry for that. What happened? What are you sorry for? Um...
Nothing, nothing happened. Just your mom called and said she loved you and then hung up on you. But because she was so overpowered. She's proud of you. And really, that's fucking weird. She never says that. Yeah. I wish I remembered that. I remember that. Mine is Long Hot Summer, the style council. And that's all I'm going to say.
turnstile i'm so hot grind mode whole problems jt money and honestly spin bout you by drake i'm so high right now man i'm so fucking high all right bye bye see you on patreon