Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
Ow! Should I open the windows? It's like hot. Sorry, I'm in here. Welcome to this episode of Emergency Intercom. Today we look blue.
i'm blue and if i green i would die if i was green i would die is that like the remix or is that how the actual song always went i think it's always been i'm blue if i was green i would die why is it so much worse when bb ruxa says that than when the like original says it your hair looks good thank you yeah i got it like cut today that's a cut yeah i was like i figured like i would go for something new and like big
Yeah. And, like, I feel like I kind of nailed it. I mean, it's definitely new. Like, I don't know if...
And you're ugly. Okay, well, was it expensive? Because it looks like it cost you $3. It was $700. It kind of looked like it looks like you went up to somebody out front of a Starbucks on Hollywood and Vine. And you said I'd give you $3 to do something cool to my hair. And then they did that. You're a winch and a Wiccan and a witch. Well, you're a fucking white witch. Welcome back to emergency intercom part two. Hi, guys. Oh, I'm
I'm not gonna pick that up. Okay, I never wear skirts on the podcast because I like to lift my legs up too much and I don't want to give a free peep show. When I'm literally watching the episode, I'm constantly looking up your skirt. What the fuck? Like trying to see another skirt shot? Get a glimpse of the cooter, the old Bronson up there. The cooter Bronson. Who let cinephile be a word? Yeah, that is pretty. Yeah, like who...
I would never call myself that. It's like the other word, the word, but like for cinema. Yeah, I would literally never, ever call myself that. No, that's crazy. You are crazy. Just say you like movies. Also, there is a very big difference between movies and film. And all of you bitches calling everything you watch a film on Letterboxd really need- Also, everything you record.
Really, you need to get a grip because you're not better than anybody else because you call it a film. However, when I call it a film, I am better than you. Oh, okay. Well, I mean, that's like really double standard and it doesn't really make sense. And you just seem like... Is it double standard when I like believe women should be making me sandwiches at all times and men should be like playing baseball? I don't think that's necessarily a double standard. I think that's just misogynistic. What is that?
Oh, it's the word that I call you behind your back. Guys, welcome back to Emergency Intercom. Oh my god, we're back too! We're back! Holy shit! This is episode seven this week. Yeah, I know, it's been exciting. We've been going strong for two months now. Yeah. So, welcome back to Emergency Intercom. Okay, this is what I have to say.
So I have like a few psychological operations that I've been theorizing with. That I've been theorizing and like toying with these ideas. Okay. Literally Shane Dawson before he starts the damn conspiracy. I don't know where to take my theories like because I have a lot of them. So I feel like this is the place. Yeah, this is your Psyop corner. Hit it. Welcome to Drew's Psyop corner. Okay. Okay.
So, you know how it's been like hella cloudy out? Yeah. The government...
with harp h-a-r whatever pp or whatever the fuck which is what they control the weather with is creating these clouds over america and europe to block the sun to keep us weak and desolate and sad and isolated because gray clouds yeah it's scary guys okay but why are they doing that is that it you just think they're doing it so we have to rely on the government and their pills
I mean, yeah. My happy little pill. My happy pill. Oh, my God. Oh, actually, that's exciting news. I will be seeing a psychiatrist soon, so we will know what's wrong with me very, very soon. Stay tuned. Comment what you think is wrong with me. I have a few...
assumptions. Like, I have my guesses but I won't say them because I don't want anybody to attack me and sh-- like, shoot me executioner style... Yeah. ...for self-diagnosing myself. But I think... I think I can guess. Oh, wow. Um... I wasn't gonna say that but... That's what it is though. Yeah, probably. Um, but yeah, so the government is blocking the sun to make us take our happy little pills. Okay, next psychological operation: there are actually two moons.
Tell me why I can see the moon in the middle of the day, but Australia can see the same moon at night when we're on opposite sides of the globe. That's not adding up. Do the math. Hello. Yeah, I guess.
That is insane. But, you know, what's more insane is knowing that all you do all day is wake up and sit in your room and isolate. And this is what you're thinking about over there. Yeah, no, it's really, really bad. You know what it is? It's like a lot of people who are...
I'm trying to like me trying to walk around like the topic of schizophrenia. But a lot of people are definitely super engulfed in conspiracies and all these things, obviously, because of a lack of community. We all know that that's kind of like a breed for a lot of the issues that we have on the Internet is a lack of community, a lack of connection. And then you find that and you find peace and no bitches, no swag, no bread. Like, so now you're talking about how the earth is flat.
the government is putting chips in you know that's literally a connection is no bitches no swag no bread to conspiracy theory pipeline like that is actually genuinely something but that's not me that's not his name again but shane dawson would have to disagree no bitches no swag he's got bread too much bread yeah a little bit um okay next uh thing is
Oh my god, I just read a note. I've been keeping this from you for so long. Okay, so we went to the gym and I came out and I had seen something really, really, really horrifying. I'm genuinely so curious what it is. And it's definitely been built up way too much and you're going to be very overwhelmed and be like, oh yeah, I knew that. But like,
The fact that they had to put this up in the gym and the sauna was shut down because read the first fucking line
Yes, they were cleaning the cum off the walls. I don't know what happened. But basically my gym, I've been saying it for so long, very, very gay place. Like I am literally sexually harassed every time I go into that fucking sauna, whatever. Is that a new sign? Yes, they just put it up. That is actually insane. I know, I know. But basically they put up a sign saying no, there's like a no sexual policy at our gym. Yeah.
like because people were boning and having sex in the fucking saunas um and jerking each other off and shit wow i really can't believe that i know they had to add all that health shit to it to make it seem like it was just like a jim has a zero tolerance policy regarding inappropriate sexual or lewd behavior offenders will lose membership and may be subject to arrest and prostitution
You know what's more common is when I read that I
Like prostitution. I was like, wait, wait, wait. I thought you just said no to that. But yeah, so that's like... Dude, that is actually so insane. Well, the girls' bathroom or sauna doesn't have that. We'll see today. I'll see if they have it today and I'll update y'all. But we don't have that. The phone thing is like the first thing I read and I was like... Because sometimes I bring my phone in because I have my headphones on and I'll just listen to music in there. But then I stopped doing it. Yeah, because I was like, I'm literally going to break my iPhone 14 Pro.
That fucking sucks. The camera on that goddamn thing is the most awful thing ever. That's funny because I can take pictures of the fucking moon and what can you do with your phone? Look up pictures of the moon? That's embarrassing. All I use my phone for is TikTok and to take pictures of my butthole. Oh, you know what's funny? Oh, that's funny that you mentioned that because I've never been to Walmart and you must know a lot about Walmart. Oh, you would know a lot about Walmart. Wow. You're a Walmart expert, I'm sure, because you've been to Walmart.
I don't even know what that is because I'm sure you're always at Walmart. One of the, one of, maybe one of the top 10 videos made of all time. Like I shifted, shifted society in a very real way. I'm starting to like think about being a baby.
yo india fucking came into my room today after we chatted about india having zero riz um came into my room and grabbed i have like this tray of paint and she grabbed my cart or a bottle of paint out of my cart of paint and was like paint party and like acted like she was gonna spray it all over my fucking room and it was so stupid it was the stupidest thing i've ever seen you do but
reminded me i was like you know what's insane is like in a different world someone who's really unfunny with no social cues would do something like that because they'd be like this would be funny like to spray paint at you yeah um and then i thought about it and i know exactly who would do it and it's the killer like name one because i don't know his name i don't i don't know his name
So, okay. Do you want to explain it? You start it off because I'm bad at telling stories. So we were at this party, like at a friend's party and whatever. We're like chatting it up with like new people because like I'm super sociable and everybody is like, be such a dope soul that everybody craves your vibe. That's what it's like when we go into parties. We're like unicorns. Yeah. So people love seeing us and we were just talking, talking, chatting it up with a bunch of people and this
Dude is, like, kind of hanging around and talking and he's, like, a funny guy, whatever. We're, like, making conversation. He can get along in conversation. Cool. Fine. Not thinking anything of it. I turned and I realized he's really talking to Drew. Like, following her around. Like, talking, talking. Like, literally thinks he's, like, risen all over me talking. Like, it's really, really scary. And, like, I was, like, I wasn't talking back. I was just...
to this person because I was like didn't want to be like yo stop fucking talking. Yeah you were starting to read it like oh okay this is like not this is like we are not here we are not in this conversation for the same reasons. Yeah like you literally want me and I want to get away from you. I just flashed you so whatever. But I am like essentially running away from this person like literally running away. Also it's funny because as much as I make fun of you for being like when I go out
I'm wanted without fail at every party. I have to make sure I'm looking around for Drew because Drew also isn't like, I think because it's a new section of your life where you're literally hunted down and wanted like that. So you still don't know how to just step away from it and be like, okay,
This is like kind of mean, but I'm just going to literally cut this conversation and move. I did recently. Yeah. This is before I learned. But this was before that. So at every party, I have to kind of like look out for Drew and see if he's being held hostage. And usually he is. And I was being held hostage. In a crazy way. I would run. I would literally go inside and go hide in the bathroom for 10 minutes. And he would.
wait for me for 10 minutes and I was like oh world this is fucking crazy like wow what am I supposed to do and then like it just basically became this like big thing um and I had to push him over and like I fucking drowned him in the pool and he died yeah but before it got like too much it he had come over to me like drew went to the bathroom and he came back over to me and he started asking me questions about drew was like
Is he single? And I was like, yeah. And like laughed and like looked away because I didn't think anything of it. And he's like, what's his vibe? And I just look at this man. I'm like, what do you mean? What's his vibe? And he's like, like, what's his vibe? And then I just go, there is no vibe there. Do not go. Don't do that. And then he was like, he was like, what? Like, I think he's he was like, I think he's cute. Like, I think I want to like...
like would he ever go on a date and i'm like i don't think you understand what i'm saying do not go into those waters because it will not work out for you and it's not worth it and it's not gonna happen it will hurt yeah and i literally was like just straight up being like leave him alone like i basically was like leave him alone because that's why you're talking to him that's not gonna happen and i give in in your nose my type and i give in your permission to do that on my behalf but
No. You even told him my type. It was crazy. Which maybe was kind of mean, but he kept pushing and being like, no, no, no, I think I could do this. And I'm like, no. Babes, no. Babes, no. I look at this person in the face and I explicitly describe his type and I'm like,
you are in the friend type not that type that's not like whatever and he just i guess was hella fucking feeling himself because he's like i can i can turn him out i'm like bitch you can barely touch the top of his head you're three feet tall like you're gonna turn him out like it was it was really really scary in one of those moments not that there's anything wrong with being a short guy guys come on
Sorry, I just had to say that. But it was really scary. Yeah. The camera's never really seen Kai. Kai's like two foot four. Yeah, which is sad. But we also took his mic away. He's not going to have a mic anymore. So don't even be expecting for him to say anything back to that. Kai not even being here. Still finding a way to call him short and old. Um,
he was kai's height though that is a good reference so if you've ever seen kai he was kai no kai was taller which is crazy because kai's only two foot eight which yeah but yeah so then fast forward the night like i oh i'm like so fucking i'm like losing it bro i'm losing it um
Also, I'm literally just laughing because of where this story ends is so anticlimactic, but it's literally the funniest thing ever. Wait, no, we have to talk about being in the kitchen. Okay, yeah. So, like, I escaped for a little bit, ran to the kitchen, was chopping it up with my other homies that I knew, and I was purposely, like, turning my back
to get him out of the conversation and like eventually he took that hint but he would not take a fucking hint all night and literally went and stand stood in the corner staring at me talk to my friends and it was so bizarre and then i saw like inya and our other homies sitting at the table and we just i like sat down i was chatting with them then he sat down at the table and tried to talk with us he was like standing over you too and it was so weird he was like trying to like
Mark his territory. Be next to you in a way. And I was like, so it started to make me really uncomfortable. And then I was like, this is insane because I've already told this person not to do this. I was looking at you and I was like, help me. No, I know. Drew was literally like, help me stop him. And then I was like, I just started. We basically started talking about leaving.
And I was like, we're tired. We're going to leave. I had to fucking evacuate that fun party because I was being attacked all night for being sexy. But the best part is... Yeah, so, like, I don't... I really... Like, I am such a pushover. And, like, in the moment, like...
in that specific moment i should have just been like no but i ended up like trading numbers with him because he was so pushy it takes also so much practice to just be able to get to the point where you can say no to somebody who is not taking a hint like yeah it sucks but it is just hard to draw that boundary and be like no because so many times so many people just get offended yeah so many people have
people have my number and i'm like you don't need this because we one we're not getting along this isn't going where you think it's going and like it doesn't need to be like this yeah we can also i'm sorry just because i have an iphone does not mean you need to make contact with it that is not what that means that's not an open invitation that everybody i meet needs to have direct contact with me i think it even goes as far as like the idea that i have to follow everyone i see in public
all back on instagram like if i see you often in public and we get along really well yes i would love to follow you yes we can exchange numbers yeah it's just so annoying that people think that's an open invitation i feel like it can come off as rude but it's just realistic because why am i going to give you my number because i'm not going to answer so now what it's also it's also giving like
Like, I mean, I am not, like... I also feel this way. But, like, rejection is, like, such a hurtful fucking thing. Because it, like, attacks you. It makes you attack yourself to your core and all of your flaws and all of your looks and whatever. And, like, you'll never be that person that that person wants. Like, whatever. But, like, come on. If we just met, it shouldn't be that deep. Exactly. I'm sorry. It's never that deep. But...
basically we traded numbers and uh we went back to our hotel because we were like having a little staycation um and all of a sudden I get a text from this man and he texted me the craziest photo like the first thing he said to me was he sent me a selfie of himself with our friend's dog and I was like
Oh, wow. So I immediately like photoshopped it and showed Inya, Orion and Josiah. And I was like, look at the picture he just sent of me. And they didn't get to see him that much. And I showed it and they thought that's like literally what he looked like. I was like, dude, he's literally so like coked and fucked.
His face is melting. Like, that's how I perceived that photo. I was like, he did too much ketamine or something that night and he was, like, melting. Before we go on and sound like mean girls, like, he was a good-looking person. But just not your type. Just not my type. You got told no all night and now you're pushing it every day.
you're gonna get made fun of because if you don't know how to just take no as an answer and walk away the least I get to do is poke fun at you because you push boundaries yeah so I just wanted to clear the air and like maybe there was like one part where like he did think I was like genuinely curious about whatever that was but like that's just because I'm a pushover and I'm a shitty person but
Yeah, that's how the story ended. I would post a selfie, but it is potentially the meanest thing to ever do to a person. So I will never, ever, ever in that in there. But yeah, basically that I don't remember how he looks normally. Now all I can think of is just like, also, I was drunk when Drew showed me the picture. So I was like, like, my brain was genuinely like, dude, that's what he looks like.
because he didn't tell us he photoshopped it so we all believed that's how he looked and then an hour later he was like by the way i facetuned the fuck out of that picture then we went and played raya on my account which that's the best game ever it's just like treating raya like a video game and just like not taking it serious at all and just looking at all the people on there and being like yes yes no we have to go back to playing raya i know we were gonna play it in big sur but
I'm sure a lot of y'all have noticed we don't have many ads anymore and you're probably thinking, wow, oh my God, I feel so bad for them. They deserve ads. But we're doing our job. You're not doing your job. You need to fucking subscribe and engage with me or I will never do my job again. I like, I can't believe I miss reading ads. I like, I miss the taste.
Your membership got... I literally did cancel my membership. I literally did. Okay, well, I forgot to talk about this psychological operation in Drew's PSYOP Corner. So, Drew's PSYOP Corner. That's like the little theme song I'm working on. I'm not married to it, but maybe we can make it good. But NASA, for the first time...
I think ever, maybe in 50 years, I don't fucking know, I don't care, has acknowledged the existence of UFOs and UAPs, which I am a firm believer that aliens exist somewhere in our universe. And I used to be like, there's no way they're on our fucking planet. But like, the more like,
I don't know what the fuck and call them, but it's basically like the idea that they're media training us and like making it. So when aliens do eventually get like dropped, like they dropped the alien bomb on us or. Yeah. The new update of earth that there's been aliens here the entire time. It doesn't completely spiral the population into like chaos and devastation. But yeah,
There was like this event that happened in Las Vegas and I won't go any deeper because I know you're fucking bored. But yeah, it was...
really lit and very convincing and then also there was just this big mega-- - I'm just literally like pessimistic or not even pessimistic, I am the worst person ever. - You just don't believe. - Well yeah, when I don't believe something, it's like, "No, you can't, you're not gonna convince me." And even if it is convincing, you're not gonna be the one to convince me but I genuinely am like, wait. - The video you said you saw when you were in sixth grade and you were like,
oh oh my god y'all there's like i was showing inya and josh like all the alien footage that i've been collecting before he like couldn't find it so it was also like nearly it was so bad y'all gave this whole like spiel about aliens and like of course like it's not even i hope you understand like it's not like me being like no i know it i sound insane it's literally like not me trying to be like you just are saying something that i don't care about but it's more like
- It's hard for me to engage in that conversation because I'm the worst person ever and if I, like, have no real interest in it, it's, like, hard for me to, like, get my brain to focus on it. - Yeah. - So you did that whole thing and I was really trying hard to listen and then you're like, "Alright, here's the video." - You were. That's, like, the first time in your life that you listened to me. - Yeah, I, like, didn't touch my phone, I was, like, really, like, trying to listen and then this motherfucker goes, "Oh, and here's the video." You were like, "Wait, what is this? I think I've seen this before." - Yeah, and it's this video. - Move, children! Vamanos!
Oh, wow. Sorry, my hair is just so long that like now when I like whip it around, I drop everything. But that when I was like six years old, I saw that on the internet, like on fucking dig or something or like early Reddit. And I believe the shit out of it. I was like, oh,
Oh, wow. They're here. They're here. And I think it's a clip from like a movie. Yeah, I think it is from a movie. But those kids ate down. They were acting. I know. They were acting their fucking ass off. And you know all that money went to their parents and their parents went out for drinks at a bar after. Because that's just how being a child actor goes. All $50. But...
Last thing I'll say about Aliens and then I'll move the fuck on. But there was this giant WikiLeaks or not WikiLeaks whistleblow like on like Alien whatever blah blah blah blah blah. And that shit like I read all of it in two hours. It was like it was like the most I've ever read in one sitting. I was gonna say you like are not
Like, somebody who will sit down and, like, really commit to reading like that. Yeah. And, of course, if it's about some fucking alien shit, you, like... Some stupid bullshit, yeah. I will tap the fuck in. But, yeah, that was very, very convincing. And the gist of it is that aliens have been here the whole time. And the reason why they're getting more active and there's more sightings is because we're... There's, like, a threat of nuclear war. And they're essentially, like, our zookeepers. And, like...
they've been in living in the ocean, like in a base for this entire time. And that the ships they make are like, um,
Like imagine like heat shrink wrap like around like a box like and then you peel it off like basically their ships are made like that where they like so they get all the come up and yeah and then go mining. Oh so we can rip them out the plastic and they'll start acting brand new. No like dead ass they literally will. But yeah basically they've been here the whole time and we're just being watched and taken care of. See that's
The thing about me is like, I just will never believe it. And you could put an alien in my face and I'd be like, bitch, this fucking, this special effects is going too far. That's like literally how I feel. Like if I saw one in person, I would be like, okay, that's literally not real. But if there was an alien in front of me, I would get it cunnilingus. Yeah. I'd be like, can I see your genitalia? I speak three languages, English, Spanish, and cunnilingus.
- You're totally right. - And Italian. - Wait, I had something written down that it was like another-- - Wait, why am I spicy white? I'm like spicy white. - So this is-- okay, you need to stop that. - The more we like enter our adulthood and get closer to 30, it's just natural that-- - You exploring your body.
Or not in that way. No. What? I explore my body. Why do you have to make it like that? Like, why are you being careful with me? I don't know. You're just talking about masturbation all the time. Oh. I mean, I do have a problem with that. Guys. Guys, don't even get me started on the couch, on the walls. It's everywhere. She's like a cat spraying. My sebum and squirt is everywhere. Ew.
But basically, I just went... I've been to the doctors and seen, like, the nurses around my age. Because it's just getting to that point where, like, the people our age, because we're in our mid-20s now, are working these jobs. Not me. Yeah, no, never you. Like, literally never you. Because I would not trust you in a doctor's office. But actually, with that being fucking said, that's my issue is now that, like, I went to the tailor the other day and there was a girl my age. I was like...
have a job like I don't have a job so I'm
What are you doing here? Also, why are you coming up to me with pins and needles to start poking my clothes? I get what you're saying. It's like you being the same age as these people and they're highly specialized in their craft and it doesn't make sense. It makes no sense because also I don't have a craft I'm highly specialized. I didn't have to do that. So now I'm very confused and concerned as to why the doctor who's about to give me
a shot and take my blood is my age." I'm like, "I know you're gonna sell that shit on Depop because why are you taking my blood?" Like, I'm like, there's no way-- - My blood got stolen by a 30-something year old doctor. Did I talk about that? - That's what I'm saying, no, you haven't. - Guys, I-- something is seriously wrong with my testicles and, like, that's as far as I'll go, like, I don't know what is going on. - Something is wrong with my box because everyone who goes in it becomes obsessed with me but that's different. - Okay...
No, that was awesome, actually. But something is seriously wrong with my testicles. And I've been going to the doctors a bunch and getting ultrasounds. And I have to get a second ultrasound. And I had to give blood and piss and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Because I was like, is this an STD? I've been like celibate for like a very, very long time. Other than with me, but it doesn't count. And so I'm just like, is this like...
did I like contract something from the toilet seat? Like what the fuck is going on here? All of them came back negative in the urine. And then I called back, oh, there's a hummingbird out there. But I called back and yeah,
I was like, "yo, like, I just got the urine results, where is the blood?" and they were like, "oh, the blood is included" and then they went through the document and I was like, "no, this isn't true" so I called them back on Monday. -Wait, when you're like, "where's the blood?" that's me when I feel myself leaking and I go to the bathroom but-- but it's just discharged and I'm not starting my period, I'm like, "um, where is the blood?" -Boooo.
Sometimes if you leave your discharge in your panties too long, you can crack it off. Like, what's that thing? Like a caramel crunch candy. Do you ever do that with your discharge? Just take off your underwear and leave it on the floor and it'll dry. It'll just peel off the fabric. Oh, sorry. I'm back. What the heck? What the hell? What the hell? Um...
Sorry, my new haircut is getting in my hair. Your new haircut is getting in your hair? Yeah, yeah. But I called back on Monday, three days later. Guys, this could be something seriously wrong with me. And, like, it's, like, really crazy. I've never heard you say guys. Like...
I've ever heard you be like, guys, listen up. No, I'm being dead serious. No, something is seriously wrong with me. Guys, what the hell is wrong with me? But I go... Or I call the doctor and I'm like, yo, so... No, no, no. I call the lab that did my lab work and I was like, yo, they said the...
blood work was done and that's including this document that you sent but it's not in here and they were like yeah it's not in there we never got your blood and so I'm like wait what the fuck like I gave you like a bunch of fucking blood like where is my blood where is my blood to the vampires to flip my blood to other vampires but they like get high off their own supply and I'm like where is my blood keep going
"Boo, where is my blood?" So then I call my doctor and I'm like, "Yo..." Guys, this literally went on for, like, a week. I gotta stop saying that. This literally went on for, like, a week. It was, like, so hectic and hell-- it's still going on because they haven't found my fucking blood. But I called the doctor back and I'm like, "Yo, where's my blood? Y'all lost it." And they were like, "Um, uh, let me talk to the doctor." And they fucking ghosted me.
where is my blood challenge where is my blood like actually fucking sold it because why is your blood gone also that's so get off your damn phone i'm asking for the janet tickets because i'm starting to panic so and you're begging for janet jackson tickets because it's tonight and they're two thousand dollars i this is i know really crazy and it sounds like that one girl was like i spent fifty thousand dollars on harry style tickets but like
I never spend this much on tickets because usually, because I'm sexy and I'm hot and I know musicians, it's no big deal. I get a hookup, but I hate asking for a hookup for tickets. I usually will like hope it just happens naturally. And if it doesn't, I just buy like random tickets that are cheap and I'll just go because I don't really care usually about being close. But...
For Janet, I need to be close. And it's tonight. By the time this episode comes out, it would have been two weeks ago. Your hair looks like... Thank you. It kind of looks like cotton candy. Thank you. But this is pointless. I'm asking my close friends for tickets and I'm hoping that one of my munches come through. Hopefully one of my munches...
Hook it up. Hook me up, bud. Well... All my munches have become veteran munches, so they're fallen soldiers, and I don't believe they will be active in the war for my box anymore. Yeah. So, like... It's done. My munches are just, like... Honestly, my munches are on munch unemployment right now.
So I haven't even asked how they're doing. You know what's crazy that I thought about was like when we went out, like there weren't that many recognizable and familiar faces. And what I thought about it was like, oh my gosh, everybody that we loved seeing when we went out are like aging out of their party era. Like they're like, they're like,
I have boyfriend, girlfriend, and I'm too old to be doing this. And I want kids in two years. Like, I need to chill the fuck out. No, that's literally what it is. Like, all of our friends, including us, we're just at that age where it's also not worth it.
and like being hung over the next day. It's not fun. Because it's so easy to get hung over now for me. Like it's fun, but the next day is not worth it. Like I am so easily, like it takes nothing to make me hung over now. And I'd rather just stay home and get so high and get scared and watch standup that scares me and freaks me out and then go to bed. And then in the morning, think about like how there were three jokes I said to my friends that I thought upset them and made them hate me. And I was like, that was weird. Why did I think they literally hated me?
Yeah, it's really, really crazy. But we went out a couple nights ago to one of our homies birthday party. Yeah, I saw a bunch of famous people. I'm pretty cool. But on the way out, there was like paparazzi out front. Yeah.
And I saw the paparazzi and I like, it is my dream to like trick the paparazzi. That is like one of my biggest goals in life is to like get them to take pictures of me and then like,
The next hour look at them and talking to people Josiah and drew were literally conspiring Yeah, I was like plotting I was like because my goal is to like get these paparazzi to look at these photos of like whoever they thought they Were taking a picture of and being like who the fuck is this? So I got I pulled just side to the side and I was like, okay like we got to plot this shit out like just I need you to go up to one of the photographers because there was like a mass of them I need you to go up to them and be like yo, like
so-and-so is walking out like and he's having like a bad night like you need to get pictures of him and so it was time for us to leave and there were a bunch of paparazzi and
and Josiah walked over there and said, went and talked to him. And so I thought was he said, was talking about me. Yeah, I thought we were like, okay, so I was behind Drew and I was filming and Mason was still like in the smoking area filming us walk out. I also assumed, me and Drew both assumed that he went out there and said the name of a random man. They were trying to say Beck and I was like, y'all are crazy for thinking one that...
they would believe Beck is at this party too that they would give a fuck about getting a picture of Beck yeah exactly and I was just like tell them it's someone popping right now like I don't know just tell them it's something I couldn't think of anybody that looks like me that's famous I think we said like Tom Holland but I was like I do not look like or Josiah said Tom Holland and I was like I don't fucking look like Tom Holland that's not gonna work um but
Long story short, like I'm fully in like go mode in character. Like I have my hat like covering my face. I'm like walking out quickly, like distraught. Like I'm like, oh my God, they're going to like flick up because they started walking over to the exit that we were at and getting their cameras ready and starting to point them at us.
Nothing. They didn't take a single fucking photo. And I called an Uber Black, like, or an Uber XL or whatever the fuck it is. Yeah, literally to feed into the, like, the vibe of it. Just to have a car. My driver's out front. So it seems like there was a driver there. And not a single... This is the video. Yeah. Not a single photo was taken. And actually, I have an angle of it, too, from my angle.
You can see that they lifted the camera and then put it down, I realized in my video. It's so embarrassing. Because fucking Josiah told them I was Olivia Rodrigo, which I do not look like.
He went up to them and was like, oh, like, Olivia Rodrigo is, like, walking out right now. She's wearing a black tank top. Yeah, and, like, just said she was having, like, a rough night and she's really drunk. Like, you need to get these photos of her. And they bodied us and Josiah flopped and I can never trust him with a bit ever again. Yeah, I think it was just the first person he could think of that, like, paparazzi would want a picture of because he said that he went up to them and he was like, uh,
Because he was like, are you guys? And they were like, yeah, we're paparazzi. He was like, okay, someone's coming out. And they're like, who? And then he goes, Olivia Rodrigo. And then they were just like, oh, okay. Oh, that's perfect. Yeah, we'll do that. So he literally just was like, oh, okay, perfect. They're going to take the picture. You can see in the photo that almost immediately they look at me and they're like... Who the fuck is that? Yeah, who is this bitch? And you can see in the video me covering my face. It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. It was really...
really funny that's what you do for the bit but yeah uh also why the fuck do i need a birth certificate
proving like that i'm alive i know why do you need a birth certificate and a fucking social security i'm literally here in front of you and talking like i don't need a birth certificate like also like if you need to cancel like an airline flight um because of a death or something you have to show them the death certificate of the person you lost and if they're not close enough to you that can't be true swear to god it's so crazy
give me my fucking money back bitch someone's gonna want the ticket anyway i've actually never had trouble refunding a flight or canceling flight ever that can't be true because anytime i've canceled a flight i just get but it's it's real though like the uh airline bit is real that's crazy you're not real are we still gonna go to the gym yeah yeah we have to
Okay, well, I did finally go to an estate sale. I know I said in the last episode or one of these episodes, I don't know. These are all coming out at random times that estate sales weren't real. And I still believe that they weren't real. I went with a friend of mine and it felt like we got transported into a random timeline and it didn't make sense. And it was very random. We also forgot cash. So we basically just went into this person's house. And then I immediately felt really crazy about being in someone's house, like looking through their stuff. And I couldn't stop laughing because I just like,
We were just like, what are we doing? Like, why did we drive out 45 minutes to be in this fucking house? And I felt really bad because like, it seemed like the people working it were like, whoever this person was friends. Like, it was like a really like random group of people. Like estate sales, like if you don't,
hire a company to do it. It's just like your close homies and family selling your shit off. That's what it felt like and I felt crazy and I was like doing, you know when I like start laughing a lot because I'm like nervous and uncomfortable I kept doing that and then I was feeling really bad and I just had to leave. So I went to an estate sale and then I immediately left but I did get complimented on my jacket but that's because everywhere I go I get like shouting compliments. It's almost like annoying. It's like ask me how I'm doing. Stop saying that my tits look good.
I've been out with you, I think, literally every single place you've ever gone. And I've never heard someone shout at you. That's funny.
That's funny because they do. Also, in seventh grade, my crush who I was in an on and off relationship with, who I was really toxic with, one time he made me really mad. So I took a panty liner, like a pad, and I wrote his name on it in red ink. This isn't real. And I slapped it in the stairwell and me and my friends waited there for the bell to ring and everybody going down. He was like one of the popular kids.
And I stood there and, like, watched. We were on one of our many breaks. And everybody walking by was like, oh, my fucking God. Like, oh, my God. La Toxica. And then we got back together. And then he asked me to have sex with him in the bathroom. And I literally was like, are you actually stupid? We're fucking 12. La Toxica. I would have given it up. I know, bitch. I fucking know. You're a slut. Yeah. No self-respect.
Well, men need to go back to the steel beams. Working on the steel beams. Where are the real men? Like, hello? I know. It's really... Like, it's actually a problem. Like, no one's building shit. Everyone's so busy building shit in Fortnite and on their PC and in 3D renders, but no one's building shit in real life. I want to link up and build IRL, not link up and build IG. Like, no. Yep. Yep. Facts. Because they need to go back...
- To the still beams and falling off in New York City. - Yeah, and dying. - Because I don't see that anymore. Where are they?
Also, everybody's always like, oh, like, fuck, I fucked up and I checked his following list. No, what you need to check is who he's playing Fortnite with. Because he just went and hugged a girl doing the duo emote. Wow. They were doing the duo emote hug in Fortnite. And you were too busy looking through his IG following list. What was that fucking TikTok with all the slides of him being like, keep your circle small like it's Fortnite? It was like...
And, like, Fortnite taught me so many things that real life never could. It's like, when your circle is small, you know all the best competitors are there. Like, it's like, you're surrounded by the best of the best. Yeah. Something about it being toxic.
I, like, can't even think anymore. Yeah, they were, like, hella lit. They were funny. I need to find them because we're going to end this episode with them. Oh, also, if it was still in the, like, witch trial era, I would accuse you of being a witch and they would believe you and then I would go to your stoning. I would actually believe that and I would say I am a witch. I do witchcraft. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.
I feel bad for the depressed people watching this. I really do. If you're depressed, make some noise. Yeah, I feel bad for you. I feel really bad for you. Damn, I'm really not going to find this. This is actually like making me like upset. And I think I'm going to throw a hissy fit right now.
Well, thank you guys so much for watching. Oh, wait. Media, media, media. You literally never want to do media. You're like, it's crazy that you are the biggest gatekeeper I know. And like, you have an entire segment on your podcast that you give away media that you don't give away media on. Well, here's my media. Too Much Heaven by the Bee Gees. Simple Kind of Life. No Doubt. Crying, Laughing, Loving, Lying. Labi Safre. I can't say his name right. And still listening to it.
when you're in my heart. Actually, that's it. That's all I'm going to give you. Oh. Wooden Girl, Jonathan, Lean Doer. Worst Behavior, Drake. Oh, Worst.
Lonesome Town, Ricky Nelson. The Motion by Drake. I know every word to that song. I love that song. And Girls Love Beyonce by Drake. These words, Natasha Bedingfield. Money on a Gold Plate, A.G. Cook. And I'll give you one more by A.G. Cook.
listen to 7g it's like 3 million songs long but a to z is really good 2021 is really really good and then i think it's called silver but i can't find it maybe it's on a different album s-i-l-v-e-r but it's the one that like is a bunch of fucking screaming and scratching and sound and then it becomes the most beautiful song you've ever heard in your entire life let me find that real quick
Also, still listening to Pine Grove, "Need To" by Pine Grove is lit, sauce. And that's the first musician that TikTok has showed me that I didn't know of before, was Pine Grove and that I've actually enjoyed. Every other musician on TikTok, I gave-- Me and my ex-munchies went to Pine Grove. I gave to TikTok. Every fucking musician on TikTok, I gave to TikTok.
Mike Hawk drop. Alright, thank you guys so much for watching. Also, Mike Hunt gave me a blowy. Bye.