Drews hole is sentient
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Welcome to this episode of Emergency Intercom. Guys, something really big happened today. What? I lost my virginity this morning. Oh, really? Yeah. Wow. And I know it's weird that it happened at like 6 a.m. Wait, to who?

Okay. Oh my god, you're like actually fucking prodding me. I'm already sharing so much information. Oh, you don't know them. They go to a different school. Like, hello. Like, are you lying? Like, what the hell? Okay, I actually didn't want to say it because it was your fucking mom. Oh my god, it's literally my mom's birthday tomorrow. Yeah, well, that's why I, because I took her virginity too, which is weird because you're here. So it's like... She lied to you.

No, she was a virgin. She bled everywhere. My mom is a total fucking slag. Total slag. Total fucking slag. I am so sweaty today. It's been really hot in the house. It's back to being hot. Look, it's literally 99 degrees. Oh, wow. I don't know if the sun is blocking it, but it's literally 99 degrees in here. So fucking hot. Wow, that's actually lit. But with that being said, I'm really sorry. And all I can say is I'm just going to go off my note. And this has nothing to do with you.

I can't believe people feel embarrassed but doing things in public like I I forgot who I was talking to oh I was like walking around with like this group of friends and one of them was like you are like too crazy and I don't think I could ever hang out with you alone because of like how loud I laugh and I like am so quick to make jokes about everything happening yeah you're a funny girl you make people laugh you're like a comedian I'm a funny girl

Funny girl. Funny things happen to me. Um, but I'm just too funny and too loud and rambunctious for a lot of people. But genuinely, I think the one video that comes to mind that I know everybody will know when we reference it was me yelling in the elevator, like, stairwell at the mall and people being like, how is she doing that? Like, how is she not embarrassed? Like, blah, blah, blah. We can't take you anywhere. I'm fucking crazy.

because it's fucking funny and it's literally so hilarious to be so loud and make people look at you literally who cares because those people i am genuinely convinced like 98 of the people that are around me at all times at any given moment genuinely aren't real and like that might make me a narcissist or a sociopath but like i don't believe it i'm not buying it i'm not real like

I'm... What's... Don't... Hey, don't... You're not supposed to do that publicly. Don't do that. It's hiding in plain sight, babes. Like, if you do it... Yes, I guess I'm the fool. They don't... They're like, oh, like, he would never... If he was actually in the Illuminati, he would never actually do that.

Oh, okay, okay. But I can't. I mean, I'm fucking it up now because now they... We'll cut that out. No, it's all in plain sight, babes. Is it real? Is it not real? We're good. Yeah, so that wasn't real. But yeah, I just was thinking about that because I just don't feel embarrassed. Actually, the things I feel embarrassed over are like

It comes and goes so quickly. And I'm not one of those people who sits and remembers things that embarrassed me. I can't think of a single thing that happened that I was like, oh, that was so embarrassing and humiliating. Like I almost passed out. I wanted to throw up and it was so uncomfortable because genuinely, if I do feel embarrassment ever, it goes away so fast. Like I'm like, oh, that was embarrassing. And I almost say it like,

Like I'm just mimicking the humans around me. I'm like, guys, that was so embarrassing. Because I think it was supposed to be and I just have to say it so people don't think I'm crazy. Yeah, when I do, when I get, like there are a few specific things that come to my brain when I think of like times I've been actually embarrassed. One of them is farting in front of my whole class during reading time in like second grade. Most horrifying experience of my life. Like I, guys, I didn't fart in front of anybody ever.

Even like in public. Like I didn't fart any in front of my friends, in front of my family, in front of my twin fucking sister. Like I didn't fart in front of anybody until... Would you just leave the room to fart? I would. I know how to make my fart silent because I have a big gaping butthole. And it's just so super stressed out. They're like... It just like breathes. It's like a breath. That is like the nastiest thing I've ever seen. It's prolapsed too a little bit. Yeah. But...

it would or i didn't fart in front of anybody until maybe this year like maybe last year at the most because like it for some reason farts like like they're hilarious to me when they're not mine but like my own like i was just like indoctrinated into this like anti-fart household where it was just not funny like no not even my brothers farted in front of me like that's fucking disgusting don't

No, it wasn't even like that. Just none of us farted in front of each other. Like, it was crazy. It was really crazy. It was an unspoken shame. Yeah. Wow. And was that hard for you? It was pretty difficult. What was I even saying about that? Because we were talking about embarrassment. Oh, times I've been embarrassed. Yeah. Yeah, it's been pretty difficult. That's funny because Drew let out the most wet shit-like fart yesterday. It wasn't wet. It was shitty. Like, it was a shitty dookie fart, but it was not wet. Like...

Literally. Like, that is like it came out of the ass of somebody who just won a hot dog eating competition. Tell me why when I was in the bathroom after that, I was like, wow, why was that like one of my greatest acting performances of my life? Because I was like, I like, every once in a while, like I'll hear a sound and like get PTSD-ridden and freak out and think someone's in the house and like I'll be like, wait, wait, pause the TV. What is that? Pause that. Pause that. Hurry. And then it turns out to be our neighbors walking up the stairs or some bullshit. Oh, this, okay, yeah. Well, like before I,

let out this like diabolical demented disgusting fucking nasty fart biggest fart of my life um i made a big fart out of my butt um i was like i gave just this performance i was like wait wait wait guys guys guys like pause that what is that sound and then i bent over and went dude no it was really like like like

Yeah, it was long. It was literally insane. It took shapes of its own. And me and Josiah literally were so shocked by it. We didn't even say anything. We were just like, oh. It was so loud that my cup was... You were next to the table my cup was on. And I moved my cup because I literally got the intrusive thought that I would get pink eye or something. Shitty doo-doo flakes. Let's answer it. Ayudame, ayudame. Okay.

Oh my god, human, human, human, human. - Human. Click 11111 over and over again. Guys, if you ever are talking to a robot and you want to speak to a human. - Hi, I'm good, what about you? - That's a robot. Are you a robot? Are you a robot? - Oh, this is a robot. - Ayudame. - Are you a robot? Is this a robot? - I really wanna speak to a human.

Guys, okay. Life hack. Also, I'm getting serious because we still haven't paid our gas. I know. I freaked out. It was like,

I was like, wait, because I heard sounds in the backyard this morning and I was like, oh, wow, the ops are offing. We still are doing the thing. This is so annoying that we're still doing this. We'll pay it. We'll pay it before we go away for vacation. But we haven't paid our power and our gas. And every time I hear sounds in the morning of like men around the house, I'm like, they're going to turn off my water. They're going to turn off the heater. Same. But...

Life tip, if you're ever speaking to a robot and you want to speak to a human, just say, human, human, human, and clicking 1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1 over and over again, and it overloads your system or some shit because it has worked without fail. That's the way. There's nothing else in this life that makes you more angry than talking to an automated system. No, it's really like, one, they're replacing jobs. Two...

I don't want to speak to a stupid fucking robot. Like literally what the fuck? Oh my God. AI has been in front of us this entire time, but I don't want to speak to a robot. I want to speak to a human. Like,

I don't know how to explain it. It's just like literally not chill, not fucking chill, like nasty boots. Like I fucking hate robots. Remember when they first started putting in self-checkouts and literally the whole internet exploded and was like, we're meeting our end. Self-checkout is the devil. It literally is because like now they just fucking take pictures of your face all day and scan your shopping habits and they're collecting data on all of us, which I keep saying that and I'm afraid of and I don't know what it means, but

also that makes you mad and then I'm trying to think of something else I'm like what makes me that mad like that genuinely pisses you off and I think what genuinely pisses me off is people chewing sounds yeah no it's that is the one thing that you cannot do I like that

Genuinely, no matter how much I love you, no matter how close we are, if you are chewing like a fucking animal around me, I will actually cut your head off. The thing is, is it's not even chewing like an animal. It is literally just natural human chewing sounds. Like, I could be like, like twice and then you'll be like, okay, like, you need to fucking stop now. Like, I'm not fucking kidding. Like, I'm gonna fucking kill myself. You need to stop. Sometimes, like, it hits a part of my brain and then sometimes it doesn't because, like,

Like Kai chewing gum the other day literally. Oh my god. It was driving me fucking crazy and Josiah eating his fucking carrots He was actually eating them like a fucking child though Because he was crunching on them and chewing with his mouth really loud open because I think he liked hearing the crunch sounds But I couldn't do it and it was freaking me the fuck out and chewing just like it hits a primal part of my body and brain and

that genuinely triggers caveman-like anger. Like, if there was a rock around me when somebody was chewing on food and it hit my brain that way, I think I would bludgeon them to death with a rock. Oh, my God. You're fucking crazy. It's... Sis...

it is never that deep. Like it is literally never that deep. You know what I mean though? Like it's just like a rage that goes like, it feels like it goes up my spine. Yeah. Like a blackout, like a seeing red. And I know it's such a stupid thing to get that angry over, but I genuinely can't stop it. Like it's not by choice.

It just takes over me. Something else is when I'm driving and someone honks at me, even if I'm in the wrong, like I'm literally like, shut the fuck up. Like you're literally like a coward. You have Napoleon complex. You're a small little man and you need to use your big horn because you aren't heard in your life and your wife is cheating on you and you're being cuckolded by your boss. And like, exactly. It's crazy. Like,

I'm literally getting angry about it. Like thinking about it. But like literally anytime I drive now, like I get road rage, but only for like 13 seconds. Like someone like, I don't remember what it was, but I started chasing after them. And then I was like, what am I doing? And I'm about to miss my turn. So I got a turn. It's crazy. Oh, it was that guy who you were going the speed limit and literally behind you, he was tailing your ass and honking at you. Yeah. And then spat around me. In a Kia Supra.

Oh, yeah, it was a Kia Soul. I'm sorry, love, if you drive a Kia Soul, like, sis, you're over. How did that hamster commercial really get you like that? How did they get you? Wait, those commercials are actually so lit. They were lit, but then, like, you were into it, and all it took was blinking your eyes once to realize you were watching CGI hamsters dance around a tiny car. Yeah. You know what other commercials, like, ingrained in my brain forever? What?

the Gatorade commercials where they were sweating Gatorade out of their pores. Like, some of the hardest, like, commercial graphics ever. I've been, like, obsessed with, like, promotional campaigns recently. Like, obviously, we all know the Kill Bill campaign, like, slashing blood, spraying all over the wall. Like, that vibe, like, creative. Like, I think it was, like, Coca-Cola that did, like,

No, no, no. It was Sprite maybe or vitamin water. But like basically they went, they built like showers at a beach that were shaped like fountain sodas. Like, you know, and they were showers that you push a button and it rains on you. And it was a promotional campaign for like Sprite or something.

Literally love guerrilla marketing. I love the... What's the other one? It's like a Mercedes one. Or it was a BMW. Yeah, it's like once you start going fast enough, then you'll look like us. And it was like the Mercedes logo spinning fast enough that it looked like a BMW logo. Whoever made that up...

was on one and had to have done a little bit of math. Yeah, 100%. Because what the fuck are you talking about? How did you conceive that? Genuinely, what are we talking about right now? Also, just like that BMW Mercedes, like mutual symbiotic beef, public beef, but behind the closed doors, like everybody's winning was so sick. Yeah.

Literally so sick. Well, I keep thinking about all the weird shit that happened in middle school that I have kind of talked about, but I need to talk about again. And I was just thinking about my first kiss the other day, my first proper make-out kiss. Slut.

What? You've never made out with someone? Absolutely fucking not. Are you fucking saving yourself or something? Yes. Okay, if I'm a slut, you're a freak. What now? I'm a holy man. I'm a holy man. Yeah, I know some holes you got, man. Oh, yeah, I got fucking gaping holes. What is it? But if you've heard this story, just...

Fucking listen to it again. I don't fucking care. But my first kiss... Me, us, to each other after every fucking story we've ever told. No, genuinely. 36 times. We have the same conversations every single fucking day. It's really, really crazy. The only new things are, like, mic drops of the really sad, dark shit that's happened in our life where we're just... Guys...

Oh, it's your last day. This is June 13th, the last day I'm hitting this. This will probably come out two or three weeks after the fact. I'm not hitting this anymore. I swear I'm holding it down. It's for my beautiful mother. Happy birthday.

to you and we don't want to get copyright and strike love you mom happy birthday she listens to my mom listens to every single episode of me talking about spraying shit and poop out of my butt um and farts well my parents don't which is like actually kind of sad but i guess my mom literally wouldn't understand yeah like what is she gonna be listening for um but i just wanted to

Yeah, I wanted to reiterate my first kiss. And if you've heard it, I'm sorry, because I have told it like eight times because it's actually probably the funniest story ever to me. So it was like sixth or seventh grade. And I was just started to date this kid because for Valentine's Day. Okay. I mean, like, it's only natural. It's natural for men to date. Oh, I mean, okay. He courted me. I didn't court him. Okay, but you still pursued it.

But also me saying courted over seventh grade, like foolishness. Okay. So setting the scene, it's like sixth, seventh grade. Take care is on the radio all the fucking time. You already know the vibes. The vibes are elite for Valentine's day. He gets me this really big thing. Like seventh grade. I think your first kiss to seventh grade. Holy shit.

I actually do think it was sixth grade, but I don't remember. Like, because I'm not a fucking loser. Like, I lost my first kiss really fucking easy. Actually, never mind. Damn. Sorry, keep going. I was going to say something else. Wow. Your virginity? Not my virginity. I did lose my virginity when I was 18. Wow. Because I am a law-abiding citizen. I lost mine to a 30-something-year-old when I was 16.

I wish that was a joke. I know it's not. Military vibes. Sure. That's what I was going to say. I was going to say something. Never mind. And I lied and said I was joining the army too. Oh, you are a part of the army. Mm-hmm.

We'll tell that story another day. Yeah, one day, one day. Coming soon. I'm sure a lot of y'all have noticed we don't have many ads anymore. And you're probably thinking, wow, oh my God, I feel so bad for them. They deserve ads. But we're doing our job. You're not doing your job. You need to fucking subscribe and engage with me or I will never do my job again. I can't believe I miss reading ads. I miss the taste. But whatever.

We start dating on Valentine's Day. This is just a cute thing to mention. I was really into polymer clay during the time. So I made him and he was like his cousins and him were all like graph writers and he would graph write his name with the Superman ass. So I made him a Superman logo. He's such a toy. Yeah, he's a toy. He's like not really about it. Um,

But I made him a Superman logo pendant and gave him a necklace with that pendant on it. That's so cute. For Valentine's Day. And he probably got in and was like, bitch, I do not want to wear this because he never wore it. Also, it's like exposing himself. Yeah, it's like embarrassing too. It's just too much. But that was my cute gift. And while I was making it, Take Care was playing and I was like, I would take care of him. Ew. I was like, I literally would take care of him. I wish I had that feeling. Ew.

It's crazy you've had it once and then it blew up in your face and set your life on fire. Yeah. We'll get you there. Also, it's not even that my walls are built up. It's just like no one is intriguing. Yeah. And I feel like...

You're also at the age now where you know so many cool people, so finding someone is only harder. Does that make sense? I feel like when you get all the dating shit out young, it's like, okay, I know what I like, I know what I don't like, blah, blah, blah, like easy said and done. And then you're used to the game of it, so you can date really easy. But since you haven't, it's too much to just...

jump in with a random yeah that feels crazy i bet no yeah i'm like why would i literally ever do that why would i do that when i know some of the coolest people like genuinely i have like more than enough love from the people that i surround myself with that like um i will literally just have sex with people when i need it yeah yeah when your urges yeah when my primal urge is kicking

it's besides the point. That was just a cute thing. So we're dating for, I don't remember how long, but we were all friends with the same people and our mutual close friend. I'll just say, I think this was, this was her nickname. So I'll just say it. Um, our mutual friend CC was like, y'all like need to make out like you haven't made out yet. And I was like, I know, but I'm just like nervous. Like I don't want to make out. Like,

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. She's like, oh my God, like everybody wants to make out. You need to make out with him. And I was like, okay, fine. Like I'll fucking make out with him, which is like such a funny conversation to be happening in the middle of what? Like English class? Yeah. What the fuck are we talking about? And so I didn't have the same class with him. I had like a band class while they had...

You were in band? Like history. No, not by like choice. They just like had us in a musical class. I never touched a fucking instrument in my life. Okay, well, I was a slut, so I couldn't have been a nerd. But I guess I was like a nerdy slut hybrid. Yeah, you were like bad teacher vibes. Yeah, I was like hybrid. Emma Stone, Cameron Diaz vibes. Basically, they told me to skip class because all his friends were in his class. So I skipped class while they had lunch.

And went to the hallway while they all came back from lunch early so they could watch us make out.

And I stood in the hallway with this kid and made out with him while all our friends stood around us and watched. Like, the weirdest shit ever. They all just stood around and watched. It sucked balls. He got spit all over my face. I was so uncomfortable. I fucking hated it. It was so weird. And you know, like, that post, like, make out, dried spit. No, literally, like, wiping my mouth on my sleeve. I was like, okay, um.

And I just backed up. And then their teacher came to, like, let them in the room and looked at me and was like, Enya, you don't have this class right now. I was like, oh, my teacher let me, like, come in, whatever. And then she, like, looked at us all and she was like, what were y'all doing? And I was like, we weren't doing anything. And...

Then proceeded to give us a lecture, like a really religious lecture about how you should be dating to marry. People don't date for fun. You date to marry, to find your significant other for the rest of your life. Dating is a fun activity. You're supposed to be doing it to lock it down. And she looked at me and she was like, do you want to be with him for the rest of your life? And I was like, I don't know, because I was literally in fucking like sixth or seventh grade. And I was like, um, and then she sent me to the vice principal and I got. What?

PT for skipping class. So she not only did she ruin my vibe, she was literally a boner kill. Yeah, like actually. She ruined the vibe and she sent me to what my school called PT, which was physical torture. I hated that. And I had to do crab walks in the hot sun for a lame ass kiss. But the funniest part is after doing all that, I go home and my friend Cece calls me. She's like, oh my God, we didn't get to talk. Like, how was it? And I was just like,

Oh, yeah, it was so good. Like, it was literally the best. It was more than I could have ever expected. Like, it was so fucking good. And she's like, oh, my God, good, because he's on the line. Bitch.

Bitch now what if I told you that shit sucks? Oh my god She's like here I'll get off so y'all can talk to each other I was like uh and then she just like left us on the phone and I was just standing Wait Cece was that girl though I know I was just standing with the family phone that anybody in my house could pick up at any moment and hear my fucking conversation which we need to bring that back because that kind of like eavesdropping is top tier but then I just stood there awkwardly like

I don't even know what we talked about. I think he was like, hey, how was the rest of your day? And I told him I got PT. And he was like, oh, I'm so sorry. And then it was kind of silent. Wait, so you got PT and he didn't? No, he didn't. Because he wasn't skipping class. So he was fine. Oh, I thought it was because of the kids. No, it wasn't because of the kids. I think it was both. I think she was shaming me and being like, damn, girl, you're missing your education for some fucking... It's giving misogyny. Yeah. For some...

bad kissing and I was like yes and then we did break up soon after that and then my next boyfriend was a good kisser and we would make out all the time in the hallways and I was one of those people you're so nasty I was one of those people who literally like in the middle of classes would be making out with my 7th grade boyfriend in the middle of the hallway and

Oh my God, you've always loved to love. I have a problem and I really need attention. My first kiss was at the Justin Bieber documentary in the movie theater. I thought you were going to say concert. I was like, whoa, you got to go to a Justin Bieber concert? No, no, no. But I told everyone I was selling fake tickets to it.

to a Justin Bieber concert. You're so annoying. Yeah. Okay, well, what happens? Like, how did you land your smooch at the Justin Bieber documentary? I literally turned and was like,

And we kissed and that was it. And then we sat like this the rest of the day. I'm not joking. It was so awkward. And that's one of those things that no, for real, that's one of those things to this day that I'm still like humiliated by. It was just that moment. I don't know why it was so scary to me. There's like a couple moments that happened like in high school that I'm just like, oh my fucking God, like why did I do that? And then one of them like,

I called you about like freaking the fuck out. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which was like literally one of the craziest moments. That is like actually insane. Yeah. It's not even embarrassing. It's just like... It is, but it's also like just mean... Yeah, it's more so just like mean-spirited and wrong. Yeah. Guys, I was hate-crimed. Your face, like...

I wish I was joking. Yeah, it's not funny. I'm sorry. No, no, no. It's funny. I can only laugh. No one tells me anything for... Actually, I think I am good with sympathy. But for the most part, if it's crazy, I have to laugh first. And then I'm like, I'm actually sorry. That's really fucked up. And I'll go into my empathy...

But life is too crazy. That shit is like actually comically fucking crazy. It's actually so funny and like insane, like the circumstances of it all and just like really fucking weird behavior. Also just so ass backwards, like you doing the right thing, turning into that is so... I know. I think that's what makes it comical is you were being like...

I'm one of the nice guys. No, literally, I was like, no, we can't be doing this. We can't be doing this. And then it bit you in the ass. And that goes to show that's why you should be evil. I know. That's why men are evil. Yeah. It's women's fault, usually, I feel. Yes. Yes. Also, I'm a little sick because we went to see Janet Jackson. I got my way. We went to see it. It was the best night of my life. But these women gave me a full glass of wine. And because I have issues and if something's in my hand, I can't.

not have it um on the way out i was feeling pretty fine but then i chugged it on the way out because i'm fucking crazy and by the time we got down the hill i felt so drunk and i was like oh now i'm drunk and i was asking random people for cigarettes um and after screaming to janet all night and smoking i fucked my throat up and it's not the first time i fucked it up but ew whoa um well this is one of the only notes i have taken

if god ends up being real and i go to hell i'm literally going to freak the fuck out like at the and i literally am like going to hell like no i'm a good person so that's why i'm a good person and i'm a spiritual person i like believe in something like he's just not giving me enough fuck or it is not giving me enough fucking proof to like know if it's real or not like

But also, it's, like, the whole idea of, like, okay, and God bless anybody who, like, is an overachiever in their faith. Like, this isn't to discredit it. But it's kind of, like, the idea of the overachievers in high school. Like, I'm sorry to use you as a fucking...

Yeah.

I'm like, girl, there's so much actual evil shit you could be doing. Trust and believe you can kiss somebody before you get married and you will get it. No, for real. Also, like... Also, since you're so close with him, text him when you get there. No, it's really crazy. And like, just so... I love this saying, there's no hate like Christian love or something like that. Like, have you heard that? There's no... It's just so real.

No, but genuinely, I'm like, there's such a hateful persons. Like, I don't want to align with that. I do have like faith in something. I don't know what the fuck it is.

um but like organized religion one is a big scam and a finesse and really scary and like i've seen what it does to people and how it just like rips apart their families and i've seen it like destroy people's psyches and they were great great genuinely kind people and then like i've seen them just go down this rabbit hole of conspiracy like anti-gay like just all this really really gnarly bad that just like is so heartbreaking to witness and it's all

For what? Like a Bible that isn't fucking true. That was written probably. That's the other crazy fucking part about the Bible is it has been translated a billion fucking times. And like literally go on Google Translate and translate like.

I like suck an ass to Spanish and then fucking put it back into English. Like it doesn't work. It's not real. Also, if the thing you believe so heavily in has such a costly effect of negativity towards so many people, I just don't understand how that doesn't make you step back from it and reconsider the values of this thing you believe in. And obviously I understand. Yeah, I understand that like,

People need something. Everyone needs something. I'm so sure that if I didn't have like the love and affection I have from you guys and my family and my love life and like, like the successes I've had, I would have to turn to something. And that might be religion. It might be something like more negative, whatever. And there are more negative things to turn to. But when your religion literally starts making it that you're on your iPhone, screaming into your iPhone, like,

CHOMP! PLEASE SAVE ME! Over a child's shirt with a rainbow on it. Something is really wrong. Got lost in translation. Yeah, no, like actually. For real. But I don't know. I like deconstructed my faith like when I was like 15, 14 or 15. And it was like literally one of the scariest, hardest moments of my life. And now I am existing as my own god. Oh, wow.

- Kinda. Not in like a delusional like-- - Yeah, not in like a delusional like I am God-Bun. - Scary way, but like in a way where I'm like, oh, I'm like Stardust and I'm like 99.9% empty space and like none of this really actually exists once you're dead. So like live it up, babes, live it up. - Yeah, I just, I also think

lucky that i didn't grow up in a super religious household like my parents are definitely religious my parents believe in god but they've never pushed or implied any of the rules and kind of gnarly ideology that came along with it i was never told like god is watching or like same you'll repent or like whatever like i was never told i would like pay for my sins like

I was just taught basic moral ground rulings that parents teach their kids. Like, don't lie. Don't do this. Don't do that. But it was never followed. Like, and if you do do that, you're going to burn in eternity for all of your life. So enjoy your fun while you have it, I guess. Exactly. Which is so crazy. My family was like the exact same way where they were just like, you can do whatever the fuck you want, which is...

the sickest way to raise your children. Like if they want to go to church, support it. If they don't want to support it, it was so sick. And they raised me so well. Look at me. I'm talking about my gaping butthole on a podcast right now. I mean, you can ask for better. Raised perfectly. No, but genuinely. And then like, fuck, what was I going to say?

What were you just talking about? Oh, like the reason why I was like indoctrinated into this shit was because I grew up in the fucking Bible Belt in South fucking Texas, like whatever. It's like bound to happen when that's the community around it. My harsh reality was finding out geographically Texas is...

Not really the South. But I mean, it is like, hello, like I'll write that shit. I feel like culturally it is. So now what? Yeah.

But, yeah, religion is really intense. Tricky. And if you are religious, this is not to bash you. No, genuinely. Do not take it like that, please. Because I will say. Save me. I'm not joking. Like, save me. I will say I've always felt this. Like, I genuinely wish I had a connection to it because I feel like it would calm a lot of the anxieties I have. But instead, I got a therapist who actually texted me the other day. Whoa.

I have to text her back. But it's crazy. Like, I don't know. Like, we were making jokes like she needs that fucking check. She's missing a patient. But I actually do have like such a good relationship with her. And it is crazy because I was just two nights before going on an emotional sobbing tangent about how I need to finally see a psychiatrist and something's wrong with me. And I'm never going to be normal because I'm 24, like inching towards 25. And I still feel the same way I did when I was 14. Bye.

so scary it doesn't change just wait till you turn 25 and you realize that oh you think i'm making it to 25 i'll make you make it to 25 i'm so sorry i'm gonna get up for one second to get water no i need i need water too women don't get wet what women don't get wet you've never made a woman wet that's all a myth

Okay, I wanted to play F. Mary Kill. Oh. Because, but I don't know with who. I just have F. Mary Kill written down. Okay. I'm going to give the three people. Oh, okay. Tati, Shane Dawson, or Jeffrey Starr. Wow. Wasn't that a good one? I do. I'm going to give mine because I already know. Yeah. I'm marrying Tati. I'm fucking Jeffrey. I'm killing Shane Dawson. I might switch Jeffrey and Shane. Okay.

Whoa. That's crazy. I guess like neither are like the most viable. Okay, Jeffree Star is on TikTok doing TikTok live battles. It's so crazy. Something crazy has shifted in the universe. Funneling

funneling money from his fans into his bank account. As if he needs it. It's so crazy. I hope that money is being donated or like, I don't know what the fuck that money goes to because when we get tipped, we don't get the money. So I'm like, is TikTok just getting out? I don't know. The whole tipping culture on TikTok live in general is really, really crazy. With that said, me and Enyel are going to be battling on TikTok. Please donate to me. August 4th, 10 a.m. P.S.

please donate to me um okay f married kill orion josh josiah whoa okay all right well i'm marrying orion dude this is gross yeah this is like so gross but i'm having sex with josh and i'm killing joseph wow because mine is the exact same yeah because i literally i think lucas killed me like

I can't imagine Josiah. Like, Josiah, you genuinely don't have genitals, and I don't want to know if you do. Babe, I have genitals. Let me tell you about it. Also, before this episode ends, because we literally have to run, like, we have to leave right now.

Let's do a love compatibility test between us. Wait, is that the thing that's like when like you would put Justin Bieber's name in? Yeah, exactly. Oh, so I'm gonna do the love calculator. Love compatibility test. What is it? Okay, it has to be more than that. Yeah, that's not chill. Hold on. I'm taking out the last name.

Okay, bro. Okay, okay. 86%. Okay, wait, what's this air? Oh, wow. Wow, right below that, when I'm talking about my babe over here, I get an am I gay quiz. This is crazy. You should take that. We'll do that for another episode. Yeah, we'll do that for Patreon. We'll do the gay, there's like the gay quiz and then the like morality scale. Yeah, and also like there's another one. Oh my God.

What's wrong with you? You know what I will say, Drew, is you're looking very masculine. Thank you. Like, something in my primal body is like... I'm like, hey. Is that the same for you? I'm talking to you. I heard your heart flutter. I heard your heart fart. It's crazy because there was other, like, stories from high school that I wanted to tell that are, like, sometimes just too much. Oh, actually, I'll tell this one from middle school that I am very aware is a gnarly fucking story. I'm very aware. Okay.

Actually, I literally can't. It can't be worse than me spray painting a kid. Oh, it is. No, it's not. I spray painted a kid. Well, it's worse because it's like we were literally kids. So this is crazy. But one time during my dating, the like popular guy who was a really good kisser who we would like make out in the hallways with. I was walking to lunch with everybody and you had to walk past the band room to get to like the lunch to the cafeteria. And then.

this kid i'll just call him jay was holding the door jay cyrus and doja cat yeah jay cyrus and doja cat were at the door and jay was like and yeah come here open this door and i was like what's behind the door and he was like nah you're a pussy you don't want to open the door i was like what's behind the fucking door i'm not a fucking pussy and he was like open the door like i dare you to open the door have i said it on the podcast okay just finish it though um i opened the door and there were two kids and

who I knew engaging in sexual acts behind the door and everybody had ran up behind me to see it and I felt so bad because I was friends with the girl and the guy but I was really close friends not close friends but I was friends with the girl and I felt so bad and she knew how to fight so I was like fuck I'm gonna get my

It's all the TikToks and the Snapchat. Yeah, it's all the like doodads and the kicks. Yeah. But yeah. Oh my God, kick and keek. Yay. I was up to no good. I'm up to no good. I was up to no good talking to Bella.

of Bella Thorne. I'm up to no good on cake. But yeah, and then after she was like, I apologized to her because I felt like I had exposed her and she was just, she was really nice about it. Me when I play basketball and I break a kid's ankles, expose him. Is that a thing people say? Mm-hmm.

Alright, well, that concludes this episode. Let's give a couple medias and move on. Okay, Flash Cannon Casanova by Yabujin. Nightwalker Sick Boy Rari. OUDA by Hamid Alshari, I think. Really pretty song. And then I'm going to watch the new Blackberry movie. Oh yeah, we need to do that. Very soon.

Because I'm excited AF about it. Well, my media of the week is Simple Kind of Life by No Doubt. I'm the sky, Norma Tanega. Don't be afraid. And then Muskrat Love, Muskrat Candlelight by Willis Allen Ramsey. That song makes me feel so nice. So, so, so, so nice.

And then, yeah, that's it for media. Let's fucking go. Thank you guys so much for watching. Sorry for the short episode. We've been stacking episodes because we're gone for a month and a half. Also, buy our merch.