Drew got a neuralink
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of emergency intercom. Drew has been in the bathroom for 30 minutes, so I'm just starting without him because I'm annoyed and I want to get this over with. Like, it's a job. Just because it's fun doesn't mean it's not a job. Like, that's actually what people don't realize is everybody thinks, oh, my life is so easy, but this is a job, guys. And I treat it as such. I treat it... Drew? Drew, come in. I haven't seen him for like two days. Really? Yeah, he's just been locked in his room. Why are you... Sounds weird. What the fuck?

oh my god what happened drew open your eyes did you get a facelift what is wrong with you what's all the bandages you're oh oh oh you're knocking into stuff what's wrong with you drew i got the neural link god is that you are you the one who got the neural link i'm patient zero and then why did they let you out i saw that did you see somebody got in tesla

Why did they let you out? Wait, did they just put the Tesla chip in a person? Elon Musk by Tesla stock. Are you okay? I don't think you're healing right. I don't know why they would let you out. Hello? Why are you staring? You're like, the Neuralink gave you amazing. It seems kind of fucked up, right? No, that's what I'm saying.

I don't think the narrow link is working if you're like... God, I can see the old him behind his eyes, but I can tell that his body... He's locked in there. He might still be him. What's wrong? You're like convulsing. Is it like fucking with like... Your legs are still twisted the way they usually are, so you're in there somewhere. Hello? Are you okay? I'm good. I'm good. Did you just restart? I have like a calculator in my brain. I'm doing math. I'm like...

i'm doing the math of those flowers over there something that you wouldn't understand flowers sacred geometry golden ratio like that oh okay i actually can drive my car with my brain now that's really all there is to it that's all it does why would somebody get it kai why can't you look at him in the face you're like looking away it's not him like i don't know how to explain it it's just not him anymore

You can't breathe in that or something? Like, it's like cutting off your circulation. I'm like crying. Like, they took my brain. They took my frontal lobe. Can you review it? Like, I'm... Yeah. Everyone's probably interested. So the surgery was really weird. They had like a capuchin monkey next to me that like they took it out of that...

monkey's brain. Wait, so you got a used Neuralink? Well, yeah, they were like, oh, we can give you a used one because like we already like know it works and whatnot. And so they

put me down. I wasn't even asleep. I was wide awake and they legally couldn't put me under anesthesia or some shit. And they thought I couldn't feel anything because I lied and I told them I was like paraplegic because that's the only way I was able to get it. Wheeled in there in a wheelchair, did all that whole shit, acted blind. How could they not test you for that? I feel like they probably would have known. Did they just take your word? I just have like a really high pain tolerance, I guess. Okay, that's not what...

I'm just like really strong I'm like stronger than the average human and especially with this Tesla Tesla fuck it kind of just seems like it gave you like a minor Elon fucking Musk Musk fuck you're like um

Yeah, so they laid me down on that table, put it in. Oh, whoa. Elon Musk fucked it into me. Oh, okay, yeah. It's like a colonoscopy. You know that picture where it's like massage her brain with books or whatever? Yeah, that's what Elon did with his wiener to get the Neuralink in there? Exactly. Okay, that's promising. But yeah, it's like so far it's been like Tesla like really like actually...

Good, like I mean you seem I mean you're not the fastest on your feet ever. Yeah, you see but you don't seem faster Well, I can drive my car without using my hands I don't know if that's necessarily worth it cuz you kind of can't walk anymore They won't let me use my fucking iPhone either. Oh cuz they're starting their own phone. Well, I just can't look at bright lights blue light

But yeah, so that was my story. I'm the first person to get the Neuralink installed. My hands work. For all the haters saying that like my hands and legs wouldn't work after like I would die. Like I'm fine. I just have like a couple fucking ticks and now I'm better than you.

I don't know if you're better than me because I don't know if you would ever pass a DUI ever again. I have to keep the bandage on for four months, though. Four months? Yeah. You're going to rot through it. I'm done talking about this because y'all are just bullying me. I'm not bullying you. I'm just worried. They warned me. They said there will be a lot of haters. That's what the doctor said to you?

I got the mark of the beast. I got the mark of the beast. I'm a god. They were like, okay, make sure you wash around your incisions. Is it Swiss? I'm not allowed to shower for like three months. Oh. Okay. So they were like, make sure you don't get wet. And also there will be a lot of haters. Ops. They used the word ops. The doctor said ops to you? Oppenheimer. Yeah, I guess that's Dr. Wingo. But yeah.

Do you feel like it's changed your personality at all? No. Bitch, shut the fuck up. He's still here. Fuck you too. Fuck you. Do you want to be saying that or are they programming you to say that? Wait, should we do some tests on him? Elon Musk has a giant penis. Giant penis, Elon Musk. Drew, how do you feel about the libs?

libtards yeah it seems like it had some side effects we need to kill all liberals oh demon crats demon crats well that's kind of blurring the lines of things drew would just say normally so it's kind of hard bro it's just troll shit like i'm on my troll shit like i just tweeted 14 tweets from my brain like directly to twitter x like i'm gonna do any of that shit with

with Neuralink? Like, what is it actually for? Is it for medical purposes or is it actually... Because I saw this thing that they were doing for addicts that they can go in and you can get a brain surgery or something gets inserted into your brain to try and stop you from being an addict. So they're trying to like solve addiction via surgery. And there was this video that was like really emotional. And I was like, wow, this would be insane. This will save lives. I would like to watch this video. So I watched the video.

two of the people relapsed not soon after. One of them dropped out and didn't want to be, have his data taken anymore because he was on the verge of relapsing. And only one guy has been like, it's worked. Well, that's a 25% success rate in my eyes. I guess true. But also like, I think, I guess maybe that's what addicts need is a camera on them 24 seven to guilt and shame. Yeah, exactly. So we'll get that for you with that app you have like your problem with maybe. Not anymore. I'm not allowed to use my phone.

Oh, is that why you got it? So you could stop using Grindr for 12 hours a day? Yes. That was Drew's final push. Yeah. I got the Neuralink installed because I was addicted to Grindr. Well, I just want us to play the video of Drew dead asleep on the floor, drunk as fuck one more time for podcast sake. I mean, we could drive him to the hospital. No, I'm not going to the hospital. We could just drive to the hospital. It wouldn't cost $4,000.

The thing is, Mason last night was literally throwing up like four times in a row and we did take him to the hospital, so I'm like, why do we have to take Drew to the hospital? Look at him. He's way worse than Mason. This is like Project X.

Yeah, I know. What if this is like... Because I was watching it again. And it is insane that I was so drunken in a different state of mind that I looked at this dead person on the floor and I was like, we need to change this off so he's fine. It actually freaks me out the way you look. Your behavior in that was crazy. It was the last time I felt any love from Inya. From that moment on, she just hasn't loved me the same. Something switched. Something switched.

A switch flipped inside him. I saw a side of you that was just so repulsive that night. I don't believe you deserve love. I was saying the other day that I want to do that again. I really need to get to that state again. It's been since that day that I've ever gotten even close to being that drunk before. And I think it's time to relive it. But my luck, I would accidentally fucking die. I would accidentally OD on alcohol. I'll get you fucked up.

If you want, I'll get you fucked up. Hey! Just say the word, bro. I'll smoke you out. Tesla. We could do Edward Forty Hands, but just us. I have a 40 tattoo. Yeah, he does on his thigh. Yeah, I gave it to myself when I was 16. Are you serious? Yeah.

How have I never noticed that during our session? I know. That's what I'm saying. Because you guys keep the lights on because you're both so scared of yourselves. So you should find security in your body. I don't want Kai to see my body and Kai doesn't want me to see his body. We both have the Apple headsets on. Yeah, for real. Dude, somebody is fully going to bone with that shit on it. It's going to be fucked up. It's going to be fucking me.

Wait, the Apple headset's going to be fucking you or you're going to be... No, no, I'm going to be doing it. They should have added a fleshlight extension to it that you can plug USB-C into it and it will pulsate with the video you're watching. No, no, no. That has to already be a thing. Someone's working on it. Dude, it is. I talked to somebody recently who had an addiction to it. Oh, yeah, you were telling me about that. Yeah, it was like this guy that I know that was like, I hit rock bottom recently because I caught myself like fishing...

the dick sucker machine and VR headset out of a dumpster. Like, like he threw it away and then went out for it. Cause he was like the post nut depression hits so different when right after you lean back and you're in like a player one headset and you like pull it off and you're like covered in cum. And he was just like, like I noticed, I asked him basically I was around him and I asked him like why he had a Nokia phone. And he was like,

oh like i hit rock bottom recently he told me this whole story but he was basically like i got rid of like my computer my iphone all this stuff because i like entered like this very dystopian period of my life and he was like there's porn that like syncs up like the dick sucker machine syncs up with the video and it uses ai what's it called what's it called what's the machine i actually don't i don't know what it's called affiliate link this episode support

It's crazy. Men's rock bottom is switching from the Apple universe to Nokia universe. So you can have the perfect masturbation ploy and women's rock bottom is writing every day in your journal. Um,

With the strange delusion that one day will be published after you die and you think you're making the next bell jar. Like, that's the two rock bottoms, like, of the genders. I can fix him. I can fix him. No, bitch, you're just, you're probably more crazy than him. You're fucking... Dude, I think the Neuralink had some effect on his timing. You're done. Sorry, guys, this Neuralink has to buffer so he can come back.

I can't feel my fucking legs. I can't feel my fucking legs. But it's okay. One of the side effects of the Neuralink is when you get super embarrassed, your legs give out so that you can distract to something else. Girls Rock Bottom. Oh my God. Girls Rock Bottom is switching from Diva Cup to Tampax. Nice. That was good. Oh my God.

i haven't been hitting so long that is true it's been a minute um okay so i was on tick that hurt my hand so bad also remember that era where people like actually thought i was getting abused by my podcast people were like i don't know it just feels weird it's happened so often yeah and then there are comments like but he likes it he he says he likes it guys we don't know the

full side of the story until he says something. It's nuanced. It's nuanced. There's like gray area where it gets different. Okay, so I was on TikTok and I saw this slideshow. Of course you were. Oh my fucking god. I thought it would be.

And this girl posted saying a few days ago an HBO intern accidentally sent a mass blank email with a subject line integration test email number one to thousands of subscribers. Not that big of a deal. HBO tweeted out saying we mistakenly sent out an empty test email to a portion of our HBO Max mailing list this evening. We apologize for the inconvenience. And as the jokes roll in, yes, it was an intern. No, really.

And we're helping them through it hard. And then people started responding with like horror stories that they had when they were interns and like they were just killing me today. So I wanted to read a few to y'all because they're super funny. This person's response is dear intern. When I was 25, I made a PDF assigning each employee to the Muppet they reminded me of the most.

I meant to send it to my work friend but I accidentally sent it to the entire company my supervisor Beaker wanted to fire me but the owners Bert and Ernie intervened also what's fucked up is Beaker is such a diss but all I can think of is when we were watching the Muppets Drew was like I'm Beaker I'm Beaker like I'll be Beaker and we were all like yeah you can be

beaker bro like nobody wants to be fucking beaker insert a picture of beaker i love beaker so bonk beaker doesn't speak at all that's so me coded i go back to my room for 30 minutes at a time yeah i'll let you read the next one dear intern i was using my desktop oh why'd you give me this one oh wow okay dear intern i was using my desktop calendar to make a

You didn't have to say period, period. When I started my menstrual cycle, but after several months, I realized I was making that note on a calendar I shared with all of my colleagues company-wide. I was 37 years old. Mortifying. Yeah.

This one is Dear Intern. Oh, I don't like this one. This one's my favorite one. Hashtag Dear Intern. Me to the CEO of a large company. His name is Alan. I was 34. Then it's a screenshot of an email from the guy and he says, good morning, anal. Yeah.

I'll let you read the last one. Dear intern, one time I sent out an email on behalf... Why are you flipping the camera off? I sent out an email on behalf of the organization's board of directors with a link to a custom thank you video that was meant to show appreciation. The link redirected to a lady in her pajamas loudly reviewing Hot Cheetos recipe fails. I cried twice that day. And that's all of them. Oh, this one's crazy. I was an intern at a podcast and about a year into the...

Podcasts, I realized that I had broken into their house a year prior and shaved my pubes in their house. And now it's weird because I work at the same podcast that I... Don't... Okay, you already stopped and walked out. You don't have to... You fucking hurt me, Kai. Your fucking face hurt me. Now my hand hurts. Look how red it is. I know. That last one was crazy.

It's tingling. It's tingling. Okay, well, yeah, that was boring as fuck. Sorry, y'all. Jesus Christ. I'm fucking boring. I'm so fucking boring. Well, I decided Drew had his beard. Like, why did we let Drew have that scary-ass fucking beard for so long? Oh, I know. Yeah, when I see videos of you with your scary beard, it actually is so fucking jarring, and it sometimes disrupts when I'm watching, like, an edit of...

something and it's like a cute edit of like us talking about being friends forever and then i see a clip of that i'm like oh whoa whoa yeah there's so much content of you with that nasty beard yeah it's just more of like a man thing like people with vaginas just wouldn't get it um and it's more of like like every winter i grow out my beard to stay warm yeah they would i feel like and yeah i feel like people with vaginas would get it personally

Are you insinuating that women grow out their bushes to insulate their bodies? Ew, Kai. Why would you say that? No, I'm saying that... Why were you just saying that you want to have sex with your boss? I know. So weird. I wasn't saying that. Oh, dear intern, I got fired because I sexualized my boss. Oh, my life sucks and I'm going to prison. What? What?

I was defending women. Drew said some misogynistic shit. Oh, and I'm going to small claims court because she has a really decent case against me because the audio is something I actually helped record. Okay, that's the last time I ever defended women. And then my lawyer was like, well, I can't help you and I quit because you recorded the evidence. So there's no way to fight this. So is this true, Kai? No, it's not. It's a bit. She's doing a bit.

Fast forward two years from now, Kai Newman in prison. Imprisoned. Okay, so we didn't talk about it, or we might have briefly talked about it. I don't want to talk about it. Josiah being on... What song was that? It wasn't a song. Oh.

What the hell? We don't talk anymore. That one's a song. We don't talk anymore. No, Josiah being on Jason Nash was like a cultural shift, which was amazing. We'll insert the clip of the battle, like the end of the battle. Is that your music? Yeah. Oh, good job, dude. Did you have a whole album you're making or just a single or what are you up to? Fuck you. I'm pissed off.

I'm sure a lot of y'all have noticed we don't have many ads anymore and you're probably thinking, wow, oh my God, I feel so bad for them. They deserve ads. But we're doing our job. You're not doing your job. You need to fucking subscribe and engage with me or I will never do my job again. I like, I can't believe I miss reading ads. I like, I miss the taste. Did I win? I lost? Oh, it's not important. Yeah, I mean. You already won in life. You have a...

you have a um um which is so funny but i was scrolling on my feed today and i saw that jason nash got swatted and for all the evil he's done

I don't think it was deserved. Getting swatted is just fucking insane. That's like terrifying. It made me so sad for him. I wish Josiah caught on to what I was trying to do because if anybody watched it at the end when Josiah's throwing his like fifth, you hear like the gunshots. But I was, this is actually such a dark joke and like, I'm sorry if it bothers anybody, but like, grow up.

Fucking liberal. Sorry. Neuralink jumped out. But

I was trying because he kept walking away from the camera. So I wanted to play the gunshot and like make Josiah fall to the ground. So it sounded like he killed himself because he lost against Jason Nash on a live stream. And then I wanted to like, dude, I had a whole bit planned in my head and I wish I had thought about it before and told him that this is what we could have done. But I genuinely thought Josiah was going to win that fucking battle. Also, mind you, I spent

I spent $120 on that battle. And I spent some fucking money too. Yeah, trying to make Josie win, which I then had to go live and tell him to give me all my fucking money back so I could get my money back because he lost. Also, I was going to do that anyway because I'm not just going to hand Josiah $150. But I was like, give me my fucking money back. I really thought Josiah was going to win, which actually freaks me out because that means that off that live alone, Jason Nash walked away with like over $200, which freaks me out. But...

I wanted to make it seem like Josiah killed himself and I was going to play ambulance sounds. And Drew does this really fucked up, funny impersonation of like, every time he's driving us around and like somebody, like we're at a stop sign and he'll go through and he's like, Oh,

and you're and you're it's gonna be okay don't go into the light your family's waiting on you it's gonna be okay because it's the same joke you did when we were at orion's gallery and i was in the bathroom for too long and you're right up to the door he was like oh my god dude is this gonna happen all the time now because i don't want to fucking hang out with you better

My ear is actually like really clogged right now. Well, no, your ear is not clogged. You just tied that bandage around your head so fucking much that you're actually going to start like losing circulation. No, but it's cunty. Like, am I giving like, I'm giving like a Kanye's wife a little bit. No, you're giving like you just came back from a botched surgery in Turkey. No, it's giving like cunty. Like it's giving, yeah. It's giving like a handsmaid tail.

I've never seen that. Neither have I. Okay. Handsmaid's Tale. I think it's Handmaiden's Tale. Or is it Handsmaid's Tale? I think it's the Handmaid's Tale. Actually, I don't know. We're all living in different universes right now and we're clashing at the same moment.

I do believe that we shifted dimensions at one point. You think that every three days, though? Yeah, no, I genuinely do. And I think y'all are like different versions of yourself because I've noticed little things that are different. Are they like bad things? No, it's just little minute details. I pay attention to the little things. Well, I decided that if like a woman hates me, I really don't care. Like it doesn't bother me. But something about like...

a man hating me to the extent of talking shit about me, like that seems so odd to me. I don't have any examples, but something about that, like if a girl behind my back is talking shit about me, I'm like, go the fuck ahead. I actually give you the green light. Like you deserve to, you deserve to talk shit about me. Like for whatever reason it is, like even if it's over something stupid, I don't care. But if a man got behind closed doors and was like calling me a bitch and stuff, I hope you die. No, that's just like pussy behavior.

Yeah, like be a man. Be a man and say it to my face because I'm going to call the police actually. Oh. Oh no, but... Are we going to cut that? Why? It wasn't me. It was the Neuralink. I really wonder if that shit's going to work. If it works, we're done. I'm here. Dude, when I saw that tweet, it was like one of those moments where I was like, oh, I'll think about this.

forever like this will be like the first sign yeah of the end in a lot of ways like you know the whole thing with crisper yeah it's like crisper is like genetically engineering fetuses and stuff they're like they're they basically made the changing the genome to do gattaca and i'm like at some point those kids that were genetically engineered that are supposedly like they don't exist right now because it's like illegal they're gonna just show up

You know, like, there was probably already genetically engineered. Also, what the fuck does that do to a child who's been born in a lab? Like, they genuinely don't have parents or family. I think it's like it's born... It's born inside of a surrogate mother. Yeah. Oh, okay. But you can, like, choose, like, the eye color or the hair color or the hair texture and you can just mod it to be whatever you want. You can, like, change their height and stuff. Parents and stuff who even give a fuck about that, like, what are you gonna do, sell the baby on Timu? Like, why are you trying to, like, breed the perfect baby? It's so weird. I mean, I don't know if anybody's, like,

doing it yet but like the fact that that's people are like fuck I would love you know there's some people out there who are like oh my god I hope that happens before I'm like 40 okay this slander is like actually driving me insane because how do you think I got to be the perfect specimen that I am like I look like Jacob Elordi I sound like Beyonce when I sing I have really big muscles I have like

a very perfect penis. There's a lot of things about me that a lot of people... My parents paid good money. I saw a comment saying you look more like Nikocado Avocado. You saw that? That was the top comment of the last episode. What's that guy who gets followed by drones with the face? If you fucking say Daniel Larson. I see a lot of Daniel Larson comparisons. Drew, no.

Oh, God, he's going to get violent again. If you're going to hit anyone, it should be me again. No, he wants it. Don't give it to him when he wants it. I don't want to get hit. I'm just saying. When y'all talk shit about my parents like that because they made me the perfect person, it hurts me. Were they drunk when they were choosing their options so they thought they were picking...

perfect skin blue eyes like gorgeous hair oh they used coupons yeah they got like a really good deal on it they got a bonus coin so they can only get certain like avatar they turn the bubble butt setting all the way up hey yeah they did the clapper it's crazy that when you do that you're literally just like bouncing on your toes every time like you've

I just went fucking in. What freaks me out is that eventually you are going to be 80 and have like nieces and nephews who film the fuck out of you because you are going to be so psychotic. Like there's going to be 8,000 videos on like some random child's mind iPhone of Drew being so scary. Yeah. It's going to be a problem. That's how we're going to keep up. I'm going to be the grandpa. What were you going to say? No.

- The mind iPhone. - It's the mind phone. - I showed in you this video today of this grandpa seeing himself for the first time. - Oh, so sad. - In a very long time. It's like the most heartbreaking, evil, dark video I've ever seen. In fact, I'll show you Kai real quick. - It's gonna freak Kai out 'cause you're what, like two years away from this guy's age or something? - No, I'm not a grandfather. - I'm not a grandpa. - We're literally matching right now. Look at the colors, they match.

She goes on to say like, you're so beautiful. You're so handsome. I know that's going to be me. That's so sad. Drew, that actually made me so sad. Do you need me to comfort you?

Bitches be like working. Where's the literally to them specifically? I'm cooking in the studio yet. They come out famished like where's the food do know that video was the saddest thing I've seen in a very long time and it broke my heart into a million pieces and I hate that we Do that to ourselves what that we care about what we look like her That's why I got the Neuralink. It's nothing physical. It's just all mental and

I guess you do need more mental help than you do physical help, at least at the very moment. Because after your buccal fat and your nose job, you look really good. Oh, and you need to get in a car crash on the way to the gym.

We go to the gym together. Exactly. Okay, so I have a note written down. So for Christmas two years ago, or maybe it was my birthday two years ago, I was like sitting on the couch last night when I was like all alone. And I started like tearing up thinking about like the gift my dad got me. It's literally gonna make me so sad actually. But like the gifts, I don't know how to say without sounding mean, but they're like something I would never actually use. Yeah.

But he got me like...

two dildos as like a Christmas gift. I thought you were going to say something else. Also, like, it seems like he knows his son really well because I feel like he would actually use two at the same time because you're so used that if you just use one, it'll slip out and then you spend the whole time trying to like... Okay, I've had anal sex like 380 fucking times. That's not true. Is it true that you're used? Yeah, he's hell of a ring true. What? I'm not the only one? No. Did you? Oh, you told him that, huh? That's always your thing.

That's always your thing. You always tell people that. I guess you calling me hole number 107 should have given it away. No, 307A. When I texted you and I noticed that was my name in your phone.

But no, in all seriousness, my dad got me these two shirts and I was sitting, I was ordering like some stuff off Amazon and I looked up cool shirt designs on Amazon and the shirts he got me popped up and like they're the weirdest looking fucking shirts ever. But like just thinking about him, like literally like...

buying me something that he thinks i would like enjoy and like just like literally makes me so happy and sad at the same time i don't know how to describe what i'm feeling but it was really sweet and like i'm a fucking weirdo and he knew these shirts were weird and he got them for me anyways because he thought i'd like them and i love them and i still have them can i see them um they're like in my closet but i'll i'll just literally look up cool shirt looking up cool shirt

What the fuck is happening on my phone right now? This one. What? What is going on? Did you hit play on something? No, like, is it TikTok? It's my neural link glitching. Wait, what is playing on your fucking phone? Is it from Spotify? Hello? Oh, what the- It's just in your Safari.

Okay, actually, what the hell? It's because you use your phone so fucking much that your phone just knows that it has to get the screen time up so it'll just start playing things. Because if you see your screen time drop, you'll get really sad. And then when you see your boobs and vagina sag when you get 800 years old, you're going to be sad. How about that? When you get 800 years old. But...

yeah last night girl fuck this like literally fuck this like actually literally fuck this

Like, actually, fuck this right now. Like, I'm over it. Like, I have all these notes to talk about, but like... Damn, that's a lot of notes. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I am so tired right now, but that's because I had to wake up early and I was out all fucking night last night. I was having the time of my fucking life. Oh, I interacted with the most...

Like, insane presence of a waitress I've ever interacted with at the restaurant last night. Like, she was such an overwhelming vibe. She was a good vibe. But sometimes when people are...

like a good vibe but too I don't know how to describe it we got there and it was just me like no dude she she was happy though but it felt like she was she had induced happiness like it felt like she was on something happy she didn't feel like normally like just like oh sweet happy she felt like she was like looking at us and she was like is it your first time here okay oh yeah uh I love that no welcome back

and like she was just like staring through me and jester's like bodies and i was like oh my god and we ordered drinks she's like let me see your id no i gotta i'm gonna see that id the girl gave it to her and then she came back when christian got there and christian asked for a beer so she was like and we were like it's giving the girl at the hotel like typing on the keyboard like she was that's that was the fastest waitress i've ever met also we got there

at like 8 30 she was like just to let you know the kitchen closes at 9 45 and we were like damn that's like an hour and 15 minutes away also we just got here and she was like i just want to let you know so you can order everything you want everything you want baby and then she like said baby to one of us and we were like what is happening and i had never been to that restaurant but based off the way she was acting when she was like have you been here i was like yes because i was so scared of what the answer to no would have been like i don't know like it freaked me out um

but she was a vibe nonetheless we loved her but she was very scary to me like i kind of felt i loki felt like she would kidnap me if she liked me a little too much is that toxic positivity is that what that is oh that's what it felt like it was right it felt like evil positivity is that what is that what toxic positivity is is that a real term i

I've never heard that. Yeah, positivity can be toxic. That's what I've heard. Like you're being too nice? Is that condescending, though? Is that not just the same idea of condescending? I think, honestly, it's like if you're just unwilling to be rational and you're only like, I'm only viewing things as positive. I'm not...

I'm like completely ignoring the negativity of life. Yeah, I was gonna say, I guess I can see how that like would be like a privileged like thing to be like, it's not that fucking bad. Like, just be too happy. Yeah. Never had that problem. I've never, never been too happy. You must be the happy king. You must be the happy expert. I've actually never been to the happy store. I wouldn't know what it looks like and I wouldn't know what they sell, but it seems like you shop at the happy shop a lot. The happy 99 store. Um,

Well, I was at the gym yesterday and I was changing and I take my time when I change because I don't give a fuck about my body. Whoever wants to see it can see it. But like one of 50 people that if they saw my body, I would be mortified. Saw my body yesterday at the gym and I was butt ass naked and I didn't see and I'm not naming their name because I'm

I don't want to say their name publicly, but it is someone that I like am a very big fan of. Like, like really, really big fan have been for a decade. They saw me naked. We made eye contact. He was fully clothed and it was horrifying. Something so different.

humiliating about making eye contact with somebody while they're fully clothed and you're naked. Yeah, no, it was the most vulnerable I've ever felt. I felt like a little baby deer. Especially when it's James Charles. I can't imagine what she was going through. To be a fan of James Charles for a decade takes a lot of dedication, too. Fuck you.

Fuck you both. No, but it was horrible. And I had never gotten dressed faster in my life. And I ran out of there and I sat on the bench outside of the locker rooms waiting for Inya to come out.

And he walked out and we made eye contact again. And I just... Did you guys kiss? We did not, no. It was like not fun. It was not a vibe. It wasn't a vibe at all. Well, I decided I need to stop smiling at people at the gym when I make eye contact with them because I kind of think people might think I'm a pervert. A little bit, yeah. Because I... Do the smile you do to fully nude women in the locker room. Well, okay, usually I'm fully nude too, but I'm just like...

Like, because I don't know. We're both like naked as fuck. And like, I feel like everybody has this fear in their fucking eyes, which I'm like, grow up, bitch. We've all been here 18 million times. Like, it's nothing new to see some fucking cooch and boobs. Like, it's not that crazy. I mean, literally show yours to me right now. Like, literally, it's not crazy. Like, if I saw you naked, literally, like, just show me naked. And Kai is covering his eyes. It's okay. No.

No, well, because you find women sexually attractive, so it would make me feel very uncomfortable. And you peed in front of me today.

Yeah, I literally did right before we started. It was a vibe. Yeah. It was a whole ass vibe. Did you smell my asparagus? You were frying some fucking pork chops in the toilet, bro. Like, it sounded like horse meat. Did you smell my bean sprouts and asparagus piss? Yes. Did you have asparagus? No. I was like, where's that smell coming from? No, that's just my natural body odor. You need to get that looked at. But yeah, I realized yesterday because I did it. Right.

This was the energy of the waitress. I'm not kidding. But like more smiley. So back to that but like and then when all of our guests got to the table for Jester's birthday she goes none of your friends are ugly what's up with that? It was a really nice compliment but we were

but we were like dude she also it was so confusing because she okay also I don't want this to seem like I'm making fun of this woman she was very nice but I find interactions like that so confusing because I kept saying thank you to things you shouldn't say thank you to because everything she said she had the tone as if it was a compliment but it wasn't like she would just be like want anything to drink oh my god you guys I know you love it here you guys always come here and I just kept going thank you thank you and I like but

that you shouldn't say thank you to that it was really confusing me but yeah at the gym leaving yesterday before I left and I was butt naked nasty I walked past this girl who's also butt naked nasty and I did my usual just like we made eye contact and held eye contacts I was like like I also I don't shake my head like that I'm just like like I just do a closed mouth smile okay I don't shake my head when

head when I look at them, but we caught eye contact. Also, I'm not like smirking and like looking them up and down. I literally keep my eyes locked onto their eyes because we've locked eyes for some reason. I just smile and keep walking. This girl gave me a look like she thought I was going to throw her into the showers and like pee on her or something like her look was pee.

pure fear and terror and then I walked out to Drew I was like oh my god I think I'm realizing I shouldn't be just smiling at people at the gym in the locker room because they genuinely think I'm going to like kidnap them and like throw them into the river give me your hand real quick no no no I'm gonna do an aura reading real quick it's giving gray

My aura? There's no way it's gray. No, you have like a green aura. What's green? It's like a green aura. Do you want me to do your guy? So I have this like really crazy thing for you to think about, Drew. There's a green light shining on my hand when you do that. Kai, yours is blue? Blue-ish? It's either blue or purple. And of course I have the white...

No, you're just talking about your skin color. You're supposed to figure out the aura around it. Also, you saying I have green when that light is just shining off my fucking hand. It really is green. You gotta bring it closer.

it's a symbol of growth renewal and balance is white is green wait what's white what's white white it just says gay oh oh you are really good at that that's crazy that you picked up on yeah i'm happy i'm fucking happy no not that i'm fucking happy we don't mean it that way i loved that comeback as a kid well gay is happy so yeah i guess i'm gay i mean i'm the gayest person in the room classic yeah i'm fucking happy yeah i'm

super gay I'm like the gayest person ever like I should win the gay award because I'm so fucking happy and you're sad I'm toxically positive and what is blue mean probably like oh wow oh

Oh, wow. I want to ride a horse. Save a horse, ride a cowboy. I don't know what that means because I could read it. What? Blue auras are sensitive, deep thinkers who are in tune with their true self and voice. Oh, wow. That is true. Sort of. Yeah. What is white though, for real? Let me see. It's probably like creative, passionate, independent, loves himself.

Well-balanced personality, calm, and open to possibilities. Oh, you are open, but does it specify what's open? It says verse, too. I'm a fucking top, if anything. Oh, we need to talk about that, the twink allegations. Yeah, I have it saved in my fucking notes. So, I.lovethedrewth420, shout out for the username, posted a video saying Drew Phillips twink era.

Fuck you. Yeah, what do you mean by that? I mean, I guess it was my twink era, but fuck you to the comments that were saying, what era? He's still in his twink era. Bitch, I am not a fucking twink. I'm not a fucking twink, okay? I'm an otter. I'm a fucking otter. Okay, I'll shut up. Those pictures are so fucking funny.

I was in a twink hair. I had a twink arc, but fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. To be fair, like every like straight guy on the internet also looked like that at that time because that's also why I was like, I love him. He's like my bae. That's my crush because every guy looks like that. No, I have my own swag. I will say. I have my own swag. I think a lot of people I liked in high school ended up being gay though. So. Not you. Not you. I just had a lot of people. Not you. Mm-hmm.

Well, speaking of gay, did either of y'all play Webkinz? Oh, my God. Webkinz? Yeah. Did you play Webkinz? A little bit. Bruh, not again. I did, but not as much as I played like Toontown. Oh, nice. Did you play Webkinz? No, because I was always under the assumption that you had to connect a credit card to it. And my parents have never. Oh, no.

Oh, you must be the credit card expert. Okay, well, there's this guy in Webkinz and he's a store owner and his name is Artifact. And you would go in and buy cool little like jewels and trinkets and just little things from his like Artifact store. Why are you saying it like that? Because his name is Artifact. Oh, okay. And...

What the fuck did I say? Oh, I'm reading two different ones. But he would say like, welcome to the Curio shop. Like he has like a thick accent. Why is he hot? Oh, he is sexy. He is really hot.

Yeah, he's hot as fuck. That is exactly what the guys that you show me look like. Like, he is hot as fuck. You know what's crazy? This is where I got my tag from. I can agree. When you think someone's hot, I can agree they're hot, but I would absolutely never be down for it. Does that make sense? Like, I can understand and be like, yes, that's a hot person, but never my vibe. But I guess we've already talked about this. My vibe is so peculiar. Mm-hmm.

Your vibe has no vibe. Yeah, I just have zero vibes. It's all about personality because I just believe in ugly people getting a chance with someone as sexy as me. Amen. But on my...

On Webkinz one time, me and my sister had a shared account and we would ask for like Webkinz for every single birthday, every single holiday, every single Christmas. So that's all we wanted for like three years. And like we had like a... Sorry, I think your stitches are infected because I can smell them. I just wanted to... You're a rotten bag too. But anyways, I was on Webkinz.

It was like mine and Madeline's like passion as a child or as children. We like put so much time and effort into like building our houses, playing the games to get our coins up, like taking care of our little animals. And it was just like a fun thing to do. Well, one time Madeline's dumb ass was at a...

nail salon and there was like a girl our age there and Madeline just got to start she just started getting to talking to this girl and like they were hanging out and they were like oh yeah we we love Webkinz too me and my brother love Webkinz too like um can I see your account like Madeline was like I don't have like a laptop or anything to show you but like I can give you my password and log into our account I mean

Like hundreds of dollars like like Webkinz were like $20 each and like we probably had 30 or 40. It's like the equivalent of giving away my Fortnite account. Exactly. Exactly. We had like 30 or 40 of them. So like Madeline just giving this password to this little girl. Not that big of a deal. Like this little girl did not have malicious intentions or so we thought.

She went home, logged into our account, and then sent herself our most valuable item that we owned. She had sent that to her own account. And we were like, where the fuck did that go? This dumbass little girl, she gave us her login and password as well so we could go and look at her account.

we stole everything from her account and changed the password so she never was able to get back but don't fucking play like do not play with me like don't try us because that little girl grew up to be anna delvey so she never learned her lesson exactly anna delvey is the girl who's a scammer right yeah she did not scam she was the girl but that's i don't think i've never talked about that so you dated anna delvey

But actually, that makes sense. Y'all's New York timelines add up. Yeah. Because, yeah, we did. And she does have a thing for men with no job, no house, no car, no vibe. So that timeline does. Well, I do have a house. I have a job. And I have Riz. And I pulled Anna Delvey. That's true. We had an incredible three weeks. We had a magical. And she's the baddie. Unbelievable. Untopped. She told me that I have that macaroni in a pot.

what the fuck she was fucking your butt i want to find the thing that's like and that little girl grew up to be ariana grande do you know what i'm talking about like those memes oh so it was standing and asking for like a dollar yeah yeah classic classic well you find that um

So this girl took our account and then you mentioned Fortnite. So there's a transition to Fortnite. One day, Ariana Grande walked out of a store with a box of cookies. Outside the store, she saw a kid selling newspapers. She gave him her box of cookies and said, eat these cookies, child. One day you will grow up to be someone very important. That child grew up to be Barack Obama. Is that real? Yeah, dude. That's fucking real. Let me see the picture.

Look at them. Is that actually real? Dude, swear to God. It's from facebook.com slash legendary facts. All right. Heart to heart. Heart to heart. Heart to heart.

Inya and I had a heart to heart on the couch yesterday and we were having a very beautiful conversation or a sad, tragically sad conversation. But it was a it was a beautiful vibe. It was nice. Inya had Fortnite playing in the background and she joined the lobby and it was the loading lobby. And Inya was like sitting on the couch, like sobbing her eyes out, like bawling, just like talking about some things going on.

And in the background, I hear every fucking Fortnite emote possible. Also, I'm pretty sure I emoted too. Like just add a natural reaction. I'm sitting here sobbing and I was like hitting the like...

It sounded fucking bass boosted. It was the most insane thing ever. And I was trying so hard not to laugh because like the whole just scene that we were in was just crazy because it was like you crying, Fortnite blowing my other eardrum out. And it was just fucking hilarious. I recorded that conversation. Oh, really? Because I like...

I've been doing this thing because I don't I'm not good at like writing how I feel so I actually this is a problem and one day it's going to get me in trouble because one day someone's going to find out I do this and get really mad at me. I record conversations all the time like I have a 40 minute conversation between Yumi and Orion recorded on my phone and nobody in the room knew I was recording because I just wanted to be natural but I wonder if you can hear it. You're freaking out. You can hear the fortnight. Really? Like it's like me I'm like I don't know and it's like Can I hear it?

Like, you can hear the Fortnite loading screen. Yeah, you literally can hear it in the background. Dude, this is crazy. You can hear, R2 the... It's like, he's, like, talking about, like, trauma and shit. It's like, R2 the guy.

it's crazy it's crazy but that's just me like i'm just that kind of person also fuck you fucking bitches i'm never sharing my victory royales again nobody could be fucking happy for me everybody's like oh a bot lobby oh play ranked sometimes ranked is fucking easier than zero build you funky fucking bitch fuck you bitch you can't be fucking happy for anybody and that's why your parents let you lock yourself in your room and isolate away because they don't want to

fucking talk to you because you're fucking evil you fucking bitch i'm sorry that was actually so fucked up i take that back and i don't even want to wait for the next episode to come out i just want to come forward and say that that was so wrong of me guys and i really am so sorry um but yeah i'm never i'm never sharing my joy again fuck you and i'm gonna kill myself and it's your fault period and that's on what

And instead of going to my funeral, you'll be going to small claims court because Drew will be prosecuting you. And he will be defending me and himself. From all the gay allegations. No, that one I'm going on the stand against you. Oh, okay. Drew's High Up Corner. Do y'all not play? Do you not play the thing? Like, why do you sing it? Because I just like singing it. It's like a vibe. Yeah. Drew's High Up Corner.

Okay, you don't, like, go. Okay. If your pussy stinks, you got two buttholes. Having an ugly friend isn't a problem until they start calling you twin. That's how I feel with you. I don't want head if your spit stinks.

I feel like if your spit stinks in your giving head, that's more of a problem for the person giving head. But that's just mine. Yep. And you drink 67 ounces of coffee in four minutes and says, man, I don't feel good. I have anxiety. Bitch, you're tweaking off the bean. Gay son or thought daughter? Better question. Skibbity toilet son or Sephora daughter?

Yum! Oh my god. Dude, I really want to play back when Drew said his bunk-ass joke. Like, I need to watch that back immediately. Um, shout out Pedro, Isaac, and Iani, I think? Pedro Pascal? Yeah. Wow. He sent in one to my email. Um...

I think we're living in Darny Darko. Darny Darko. No, I think we are. Have you been seeing all the planes crashing? Bro, it's hella Darny Darko. Have you been seeing all the burning planes in the sky? We are literally living Darny Darko. Yes. Two nights ago, I saw a fiery ball in the sky. Darny Darko. And it disappeared. Darny Darko. I'm not joking. What is the plot of Darny Darko?

A plane lands in the house and then a robot. Yeah. Oh, I've never seen it. Are you serious? I know like there's a bullying scene or some shit. I've seen the movie. Yeah, the cumshot scene. It was so weird. And that's why that movie is so scary. I've never noticed that water tower. I don't see one. Yeah, you haven't noticed it either. Um...

Fuck, I was going to say, oh, that was a shooting star. You were just so clouded by your own pessimism that you can't enjoy the things God gives to you. What the fuck? Why are you always dissing him? She's right. No. You know what makes me so sad? Say something nice. Is when I'm in a room full of people I love and I care about, which is like y'all and all my friends. I'm like, wow, it is so sad that I'm the only one in here who is going to have a joyful afterlife because I'm going to heaven. And the rest of you are going to burn in hell for all the sins that you've committed. And it...

- I've tried countless times to save you because I love you all so much that I would love to spend my afterlife with you but you continue to be sinful and disgusting and honestly, now I hope you have a ravenous, awful, hellish death. - We know the sins you've committed. Should I bring them up? Should I bring all the sins up? - What did I do? - Enya's got a few skellingtons in her closet. - Gay sex.

So when you cover your mouth and then you're supposed to like whisper. Oh, no, I know. I want the people to know. It doesn't even matter. We don't even have to fucking blur that because that would never happen. Never happened to me. Not to my knowledge. Nope. That's misinformation. The classic Drew. Classic Drew just saying shit that's not true. Well, I'm going to go to heaven because I'm so sweet. So I'll be with you up there forever. That's true. That's actually not how you get into heaven. That sounds like you might be diabetic. Diabetic.

Oh my fucking god. Kai, actually, you might be diabetic because when I was drinking your pee out of the toilet, it was really sweet. It was like high fructose corn syrup. Yeah, it was really sweet. That's why when you pee, it sounds so loud because it's just pure fucking gel coming out. It's very viscous. Kai has like a really good stream. A really good pee stream. My urethra is very large. It's gaping. Two boys in a sandbox. Oh wait, we have to do media. I almost forgot.

Oh, guys, my phone's dead, so I'm going to have to go off the top of my head. Oh, somebody made an edit to a Hall & Oates song. I don't remember what account it was, but boy, do you know how to please a woman like me. You should actually go to gay school because I bet you're a girl who made that and you might be gay because you're so good at pleasing women. What the fuck are you saying, bro? Oh, I guess you shouldn't go to gay school. You should teach gay school because you're already so good at it.

mine is behind the bars elliot smith and that's where you're gonna go and how wow right by the bars um mine is bitch wear by chief keith um oh yeah and he's a glow girl yeah and he's a modern day glow girl freaking crazy uh

That's a song. And then the rest is like the same shit I've been saying because I just been listening to the same music and I actually need to get actually. Oh, what is it? It's like ask about me or something by John Lennon. So because I'm going on my like the Beatles journey.

like oh my god the Beatles the Beatles I thought you said you hated the Beatles people aren't subject to change why are you so fucking evil you conniving fucking witch chrome country 10 tricks point never sugar storm Trent Reznor in motion Trent Reznor just a bunch of noise classic from eternal sunshine of the spotless mind John Byron Joe Biden John Byron the

The worst thing I ever did was somebody I broke up with. Soon after, I got them the soundtrack to Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. Because it's their favorite movie. And I was like, this would be such a cute gift to give them. And I gave it to them. And I was like... And I felt so evil. But they were happy. That's emotional terrorism. Yeah. Don't fuck with me. That is toxic positivity. Starfall Salem. That's my media. Oh, my...

Media is Oblivious by Aztec Camera and We Could Send Letters that one that whole album is awesome yeah guys oh my god life is life is so amazing when you or me and I could see how if you were true it'd be really hard fuck you have you heard the new um Jojo Siwa track there's no fucking way she has music it's pretty good actually I'm done I'm fucking done I'm not talking anymore fuck you guys like seriously Kai what's your media

oh every time you ask him he says porn no i i've only said that joke once and now i'm known for it because it was so funny all right my media all right my media this week is porn oh my fucking god okay no my media is actually homecoming by the teenagers i know that song have you guys heard that song is it new or old it's old as fuck it's like 2014 i'll listen

Did you know what's crazy is I've always been an absolute piece of shit fuck face. And I'm always like, I only want to hear old music. And now when I see a song is from 2008, I'm like, that's old enough. I can like tap into that, which is so fucking scary. My cutoff's like 2016. Was that it? Was what it?

The song. Oh, I could do more. Ditto by New Jeans and then Mario's Cafe by Saint Etienne. Oh. Have I showed you my Saint Etienne shirt? No. I have a really good Saint Etienne shirt. I don't think I've ever seen it. I haven't worn it because it's like humongous. It would fit me, but she won't let me wear it. No, it's like literally a dress. Humongous?

humongous what were you saying the other day kai you're like that moment like shifted everything oh yeah the humongous you remember that video of like the humongous guy are you kidding me and yeah you don't remember that what is that it was like this guy that was like i forget what it was it was like a presidential debate it was no it was a presidential debate and he's they asked him his name and he was like humongous i

I was telling Drew that that was the beginning of the culture war. Yeah, that shifted everything. That was the first shot fired. Red versus blue. Look how dirty these are. I'm actually going to leave the house right now and go get new slippers because look at the bottom of this. Oh, gross. Red versus blue civil war to come with me to Texas to stop the people from coming in. What the fuck are you talking about? Sorry, that was the Neuralink. Okay. All right. Thank you guys for watching.

I hope something bad happens. Tesla, fuck Elon Musk. Isn't it fucked up if I said that and something bad happened to somebody? Their brain would naturally connect those two events and literally hate me for the rest of their life. Model Y. Model Y. Model Y.