Deep Dive
Shownotes Transcript
Welcome back to Emergency Intercom.
The audio peaking on you guys. Immediately. Well, I just think everybody should give me a pat on the back because lately I've been just connecting for my life and entering Fortnite to disassociate from the sadness that's been lingering. And I play Fortnite till 5 a.m. and then I wake up at 2 p.m. So I'm on a really, really nasty spiral. You're on a lit spiral. I was just talking to Kai about this yesterday that like,
I'm like, I realized like I'm depressed, but I'm not sad because like I've been wearing the same outfit for seven days without even realizing it. I've been like choosing to brush my teeth at night, like are actively like not choosing to brush my teeth where I'm just like, I'm not doing that. I'm just going to sleep without brushing my teeth and wake up and brush them in the morning and just doing little things like that where I'm like,
Oh my God. I'm like low key depressed, but I'm not sad. It's so strange. Like normally when I'm depressed, I'm like, I got to kill myself. Like, this is it. Like I have to, I have to kill myself. Like I can't keep going like this, but I'm not in everything in my life is fine. Like everything is like better than ever, which is kind of crazy, but that I feel this way. I fully feel that. And I like three signs. I know I'm depressed. One,
I have not been shopping for like five weeks, which sounds so stupid. Hey, you should stay depressed. Stay depressed. Which sounds so stupid to some people because they're like, oh, you're so sad you can't shop. But no, that's my like addictive vice that I do to like give me a little serotonin boost because I'm like, oh, this is naughty. I'm buying like an expensive shirt or something. You would think you would dive deeper into that. No, it's literally like that just, it sounds like too much work to go out of my way. I'm like, I don't want to have to like
leave the house go somewhere make a decision like i can't make a decision on anything like i don't want to i think it'll be a bit like and it's just like brings me anxiety it doesn't like make me like give me like any spark of serotonin which that is a sign like when i'm literally like all my friends in new york are like oh like do you want to go here here and here and i'm like i just i like don't need to that's when i'm like oh yeah um i my fortnight hours have gone up even more
Which is crazy. And it's like pissing me off. Like I'm not enjoying playing. I'm like really upset and like angered by it. At least the new like point of interest POIs in the game are fucking lit. Except the main one has no fucking loot, which I know they do this shit on purpose where it's like,
they like make it so the loot is all blue and green on the floor and then like three weeks after the thing drops and like player count drops a little bit they start adding hella gold guns so you feel like you're special and it's like exciting um but yeah I feel like this has been like a universal experience for like everyone like everyone I know and love has been feeling off and like
in strange ways, like something seriously has switched and shifted and something dark sided is going on that I cannot explain. And I don't have the answers for yet, but there is a dark sided energy around right now. But yeah,
With that said, it could be... It's literally seasonal depression. I was going to say it could be seasonal depression. The dark energy is the cold. Yeah, exactly, is the cloudy skies they've turned on me. But I've also... Fuck, what was I going to say? Ah, shit. Dark-sided. Everyone I know and love is also, like, hella depressed. Oh, it could be because...
well what was this like it could be because like after covid everybody was cooped up for three years and like everybody was like freaking out and dying to go out so when like
COVID kind of ended, quote unquote ended. People like all went outside in droves and were hanging out all the time together. And we're like doing absolutely everything in their possible to get outside of the house that like we're all kind of probably experiencing burnout. But it's burnout in a way where like we're like
social creatures of habit that like need social connection, but we're like all reclusing away from it because we had too much of it. And I think that could be another thing as like everyone just like saw each other too much recluse the way
But we need that connection, but we got too much of it. So now we're in withdrawal. Yeah, I'm also just at a point where I'm like, that sounds like so much work. Like, I'm usually such a like, yes, let's go to eat or whatever. And I'm like, I don't, that sounds like a lot of for some reason. Now it's like, oh, I have to go do this. Like, I have to go see this person. I have to say hi, like,
Like right now. So unlike you. Oh, this is like, that's like so much work. And that like literally sounds like a nightmare, even though after I'm like, wow, like I'm literally like you. I'm like, after I'm like, wow, that was awesome. Like, why don't I do that more often? And then like,
somebody texting me to hang out is literally a threat you are being a terrorist in my life you are actually haunting me you are you are patronizing me leave me the fuck alone you are literally harassing me and i'm gonna fucking have you done i'm gonna kill you the bane of my existence is getting a text asking to hang out and then i do it and i'm like wow that was beautiful and i love humans um
My third thing, though, is that when I was in Miami, I wanted to stay so badly. And that's how I know I'm depressed is I go back home and I literally like I love being around my family. But if anybody knows, like, I just like I love being in Miami for certain amounts of time. But this time I literally was there for like a week and a half and I was like, I don't want to leave. But I also was having a thing where like as I was getting on the plane, I was really convinced. I was like, dude, I'm going to stay.
I got this gut feeling this plane's going down. Literally me coming back from Paris. I have that written down. And I had a fucking panic attack on that fucking plane. And I threw up as the plane landed. It was disgusting and awful vibes. Honestly embarrassing. Fully, fully fucking convinced that that plane was going to dive into the ocean. But...
That's probably just me. That's not how that works. Yeah, that's because I've literally seen every single plane crash that has happened on the planet. Yeah. I've seen it explained in excruciating detail. With like Doja Cat playing in the background on TikTok too. For real. My new thing has been not doing that though. Oh, I did watch, I think last episode I talked about, maybe it was last episode. I don't know if I mentioned it, but I am...
like some time clean of murder mysteries and documentaries i just haven't been watching those um and then i did get really cross-faded and fall asleep to one with a friend but i literally didn't even get into the murder he was just a weirdo and like being a weirdo and it was basically watching like a random man at a bar talk that's what it felt like alex murder all
um no i haven't oh we we started that but we we literally got three seconds in and knocked out so i'm just like exactly um but yeah that's kind of our update on our mental health like how are you guys feeling is that uh experience universal is everyone kind of feeling a little off i'm sure you bitches are depressed as fuck like oh my god
I knew it. You were literally beckoning the monster. Well, he referred to me. He gave me some... I know. I literally, I almost called for you. It was like, Kai. Kai, how are you feeling? We did not fire Kai. We've just been traveling. Yeah, man. I've been feeling very sad. But, you know, you guys are used to that, I think, at this point. I think one example of the fact that... You got a puff bar? No, this is... Bro, that's crazy, Lou. This is skin food.
Oh, nice. I feel like you glue your lips. No, you should do that often. You should try it. So I can't talk and I can't breathe. Maybe I'll just fucking die. No, you got your nose. No. Okay. What were you saying? No. Unfortunately, I'm a mouth breather. So doesn't work. I just learned what a mouth breather was. I was going to say the facial structure of a mouth breather is completely different. They have like longer faces and like,
Yeah. Or no, no, no. Is that a conspiracy theory? Is that real? Because like I, I genuinely can't tell. I'll do research on that like once a month and I'll be like, maybe it does completely transform your facial. Yeah, no, it does. There's three. There's three things in your face that immediately alerts me to the type of person you are. And it's fetal alcohol syndrome, mouth breather and face. And I can immediately tell your entire life and like who you are as a person. Right.
I feel like what I was going to say is like the number one example I can point to recently of like how depressed I've been is
uh when we were playing basketball and i made up a lie because i was too big i was gonna bring that up motherfucker that is so funny like yeah i'll let you tell it we we went to the park to play basketball like me drew and mason and then i was like oh i have to do some freelance work just letting you guys know like just in case a game starts i just don't have to leave halfway through and i just like no it was the craziest but it was even crazier than that so
Um, we just had gotten to the courts and we were like shooting around for a little bit and it was like a cute little key like we were having fun and then this like scary ass dude like came up to me and Mason and kind of like do y'all want to play basketball like two on two. And we were like no no no we don't want to and then he went across the court grabbed another guy and was like, do you two want to play again do two of y'all want to play against us too.
And like immediately I was like, yeah, let's do it. And Mason was like, sure. And then Kai was like, like visibly like shaking, like terrified of like playing basketball. He was like, no, I don't want to. I want to like I have I have to go do work like I'm leaving. I'm leaving right now. I've decided I'm leaving right now. I have to go do work. And then like as he was walking away, I was like.
Kai, what the fuck was that? Do not leave. You must stay. So then he stayed. And then after the game, we were like, why the fuck did you lie? You did not have to lie. I just sat on a chair and was on my phone. And then I just waited for the strangers to leave. And then I came back to play the non-competitive pig game. So it was hilarious. But Kai's depressed. I just think that I'm traumatized from basketball because I was telling them when I was...
I don't know. In my hometown, there was, like, an A team and a B team for basketball in, like, seventh grade. And then they, like... That year, they added a C team for, like, kids that were really bad. Oh, my God. You were on the D team. I didn't even make the C team. And I remember coming home and, like... You literally were the D team. I literally... I literally was. And I...
I remember talking to my dad. Is D team like a dick team? No, I'm making a joke that he's like even below C. Like, do you know your alphabet? It was like D, like, as in like, give me the D, like D team. Drew, D doesn't stand for dick team. Like, come on. D stands for dignity, babes. You would be on it. Climb me up. Wrong hand. No, that, on my screen, that worked. Yeah, it worked on mine. Um, well...
Before we go any further into this episode, I wanted to address the Puff Bar allegations.
Oh, and I need to address the cigarette allegations because my cigarette smoking... Babe, you're Cole Sprouse. We did that before the Cole Sprouse incident. No, before the episode, India came up to me and was like, oh, like, did you see the Cole Sprouse shit? He looks so cool smoking a cigarette on a podcast with sunglasses. I want to do that. Wait, was he wearing sunglasses? Yes. He was not wearing sunglasses. I don't know if he actually was, but I feel like he was. I don't think he was, but yeah, um...
Mine was more satirical, like I was talking shit about my friend. Yeah, Puff Bar, sorry. Yeah, the Puff Bar allegations. It's all bullshit. It wasn't real. I don't smoke that shit. Never have. I didn't cheat. You literally three seconds into this episode took a hit through your shirt. No, that was me smelling to see if I had musty armpits.
That seems like a really bad lie to cover up that you were your puff bar so old it's spitting at you and you need to use your T-shirt. No, no, that's not the case. I don't even know. It's a new puff bar. I don't even own one. So I don't know what you're talking about. Okay. I think I realized something. I need to become a mouth breather because all of my insecurities about my face is because it's so
like puggy and if I like started breathing through my mouth you don't look like that normally though when you like make that face you have a good jaw
You have a very fine face. Dude, it's literally like, don't let the media trick you. All this like buccal fat wanting your face to be skinnier, that will happen naturally. Do not remove the collagen that you naturally have because then by the time you're 35, you're actually going to look like Joan Rivers. Like it's going to be fucked up. And Joan Rivers is beautiful. And Joan Rivers is not here to defend herself. So we won't keep talking about her. And she's the girl. So what's the point? No, I love, love to Joan, but
You understand what I'm saying. It's not going to be... No, I know, I know. It's all jokes, it's all jokes, but white people do age-exploit milk, so I'm happy that I have, like, plump skin. Yeah, you should be, like, proud. But imagine me like this. Ew! And imagine I got jaw correction surgery, because, like... Okay, you're literally pushing your face. Um...
Drew, you have been looking very plump for me recently. Get him out of here. Yeah, I know. You got to get the fuck out of here, bro. Plump? I'm sure a lot of y'all have noticed we don't have many ads anymore. And you're probably thinking, wow, oh my God, I feel so bad for them. They deserve ads. But we're doing our job. You're not doing your job. You need to fucking subscribe and engage with me or I will never do my job again. I can't believe I miss reading ads. I miss the taste.
Oh, I think he meant your bulge. I'm confused. I was talking about your dick print through your pants. See, I have been intentionally working on that. I've been wearing these manscaped underwear that are very flattering. Manscaped? Yeah. Is that a real thing? We did an ad read for them. Oh. Yeah.
Oh, like... The razor company. They make underwear? Is it like shoes? They send like a PR package. Hold on. I have it right here. Oh my God, Kai. I'm sorry. Don't say that word. They sent a PR package to us and they're really nice. Oh, nice. This is not sponsored, by the way. That's got nothing to do with me. I'll buy those fucking underwears because I'm... I do not buy them unless it's with a PR code that I give you guys or whatever the fuck it is. But...
Yeah, I think I'm like low key out of the tighty whitey phase of my life. It lasted for like six. Drew went through a phase where every time we would be together and he had to like, for some reason, multiple times in a year had to change in front of me would be like, don't look, I have my scary underwear on. And I like, I still don't know what that means. Like I never saw. The tighty whiteys is for a specific type of person. And it's not you. Oh, okay.
Why were you always wearing them just in case like an occasion arose? Or is it just that those were the only underwear you had? It was the only underwear I had. Mia Khalifa was on my flight. Oh, what were you going to say? Wait, really? Yes, I held that from you because it was really exciting. That's so awesome. Did you sit next to her? Did you say anything to her? No, she sat like two rows ahead of me. Does Mia Khalifa have a baby and a husband? I think she has a husband.
Does she have a baby? I don't think she has a baby. Dude, babies are out. Babies are literally out. Babies are not the trend anymore. Once Amrata held that little thing upside down, people were like, we can't keep doing this. We can't keep doing this. No more babies. Maybe, hold on, Mia Khalifa, baby.
Mia Khalifa, baby. No, I don't think it was her because it was a... She had a baby? She had a baby and they were standing the entire flight. Oh, what? Also, how do you mistake Mia Khalifa? That's probably just because you saw that she literally was in Paris. Because I've never seen Mia Khalifa. You...
Out of respect or just because she does a genre that you may not be interested in? Because I'm a man and men are disgusting. We're gross, vile creatures and I would never do that. I feel like I'm the baby of the podcast. Oh my god. Okay, you're not though because you're literally like you're the elder. I'm baby. I'm baby. Drew's baby because he's 17. No, I got baby cheeks. Hold on. My skin looks good right now. You do have baby teeth.
You have baby skin. Your skin does look really good. You got that blurring shit on, bitch. I literally don't. I just look good. Texture is real.
I had a dream and like to give reference I was in Miami in my parents house sleeping I woke up literally like I woke up like oh my god and I was like I have to write this down the dream being like it was the most uninteresting dream ever and I don't know how it got to this point but the ending of the dream was I gave you a bowl of hot soup and you started singing to me and you sounded exactly like Shawn Mendes in the Lio Lio Crocodile oh no wait wait had a
- I had a dream, it was you gave Shawn Mendes really hot soup and to thank you he sang. - Remember when he pushed me down in Air One? - Yeah, he pushed you and kicked you and then threw a bunch of vitamins at your house. - It was fucking crazy. I was just trying to get some goat cheese next to him. - I was there, I don't remember him doing that. - He pushed me the fuck over. Well, there was a second time. - You would try to kiss ass with a famous person like that. - I'm not kissing, yeah, that just didn't happen.
Okay, the real... What happened was he had just gotten out of the studio recording La La Crocodile. You don't know that. And he was in, like, a really upset mood because he was like, this movie isn't what I thought it was going to be. Like, I thought it was going to be something amazing and I thought people were going to love it. But, like, after recording a little bit, I realized that I was tricked into this role and that it's not what I wanted it to be. And then...
he was just upset about that. And I was grabbing some goat cheese that he was also reaching for. And he just fucking pushed me over and started beating on me and spit on me and shit. It was crazy. And yes, this is a Shawn Mendes. You're talking, we're all talking about.
You know what I'm realizing? I've been realizing a lot recently, actually, is that I have a very misshapen head. Dude, you and your head today. Like, get over it, bro. Look at these headphones. Look how they lay on my head. No, those headphones are actually just 18 years old, so they're broken. Well, look, they can do this because I'm a DJ.
That's really cool. Well, it's also that. And when I wear hats, all of them start sliding that way. With headphones or without. That's because anytime you have a hat on your head, there's a 98% chance you go into your bed and take a four-hour nap and you smush it to one side. Literally, like, I have a misshapen head.
You do. Honestly, I was going to say I've been looking at you recently and every time I see you, your head is like a little more morphed. Thank you. Thank you for validating my experience. And then I'm like, oh, my God. In his sleep is somebody like mushing his head like Play-Doh or like putting him in one of those casts that you put a pumpkin in when it grows so it can be a different shape. Do you like lock your head into one of those? Your cat loves me more than you know. That's just not true. I come back and she's literally going to forget you exist.
well I just found out recently like I always was told by like doctors and psychiatrists and therapists like oh you have PTSD you have PTSD and I was like oh okay yeah I have PTSD but then I went to the gynecologist and they said it to me too and I was like what does that mean like I've heard this so many times and then I was like do I have like something I don't know about and she was like yeah no PTSD stands for a pussy too stinky disorder and
I didn't know that. But this whole time, I thought I, like, had the one where I've gone through something and I was like, yeah, that makes a lot of sense. But my life wasn't, like, that bad. But it's literally, like, no, like, the second you stood in the room, I could just, like, I could tell. I was just about to say, like,
Especially more recently, like when you come into the room, it like fills the air. It's like a thick odor that just kind of like, it like settles in like a three inch like line across the room that you just kind of like walk through and it like just, it's all you can smell. It's like that trick where you have like a plastic wrap at the door, except it's like my PTSD stench is like there. Also, I realized I used to think like I got vapor rub recently. So I keep mistaking like
smudges of vapor rub for my ptsd fluids um but it's like it's it's super different but the texture is like the same huh we need to get that fixed earth is the worst named planet i've decided also earth earth well no it's named after earth cafe another day
Oh, okay. Yeah. Then that makes a little more sense. Cause I was like, it's kind of like earth is a name that somebody gives himself as a nickname after they find out that all their friends have really good nicknames from their other friends. It's like, oh, Saturn. Earth is in girth. You ever thought about that? Do you know how to spell girth? Well, listen, I know how to spell girth. It's G-E-A-R-T-H-E. But if you listen, it's in the word. Yes. Okay.
We need to bring back the ugly laws that got banned in 1974. That is not a thing. There were ugly laws. You two are in big, big trouble. No, I swear to God, there were ugly laws that got banned in 1974 that if you were too ugly looking...
and were seen by a police officer, they would fine you $20. That's just not true because I've seen some of the members of the Beatles and they were not in jail. That's why everyone was wearing suits and dressed up nice. It was actually more of a like...
classes thing like if you were like too poor but they called them the ugly laws because like if you looked ugly and weren't dressed nice they would ban you but we need to bring that shit back low-key because i've been seeing some scary bitches um out in public recently uh specifically no i'm not gonna say that no i know exactly what you mean
Specifically who? Because we don't even have to go in public to see it. Sometimes we just like... It's just in our face. It's like our work is just putting us in that position. God, that sucks. Who is it? Huh? Who is the ugly person? Because that sounds annoying. The white man. And not the cool one. Who are you talking about? Well, let's just say we're talking about the white man who is...
Straight in the room. Oh, so me. Yeah, yeah, it's me. It's been me. I need it. The ugly, the ugly one. I'm the ugly one that needs to get the ugly laws passed. Those laws need to come back and we need to implement a new law while we're at it that couples are not allowed to go to dinner together. You're not allowed to be out at dinner together if you just started dating because you're actually the worst person ever. And like, why the fuck are you sitting on the same side of the table? That's really fucking embarrassing. Also, that's like the least inconvenient. Oh, Drew, hello? Drew?
drew drew you all right that was probably him just like doing that so he could hit his puff bar off screen drew exhale right now no that was that was uh i oh my god do you have a puff bar you literally have a puff bar in your bed i don't look
Whoa, your room is a fucking disaster. I did laundry. I did laundry and it was all of it was clean already, but I did it. Dirty clothes touched my clean clothes. I just don't have enough hangers. So I have like a pile of clean clothes on the floor of my closet that is laid out perfectly and beautifully. On his closet. Yeah.
And then I just was like, I'm just going to wash everything again. So I did. And I didn't. That's also a reason why I know I'm like hella depressed right now is because I didn't wash my Paris bags until literally yesterday. So that's my vibe. Not to be a bitch, but you kind of just do that. Kind of just like doesn't clean his clothes. Okay. I know you bitches are mad.
Dude, like literally not a single person was like, fuck, I wish I had that. I guarantee someone was. I guarantee it. Also, sorry about that thing where I fell asleep earlier. Well, every five months I've realized I have to go through the grief of the fact that I missed Baychella. Like it's actually the only thing in my life that brings me true FOMO.
And that's why we have to go see SZA and then we have to go see Beyonce. I know, but mainly Beyonce. Like if I had to pick between the two, like I think SZA will go on tour again. So we'll have a chance to see her. But I'm not kidding. Like when I see videos of Beyonce at Coachella, it actually like sends shivers through my body. But I just want to also publicly announce I will not be going to Coachella this year. You actually couldn't like you couldn't drag me there.
I would just kill myself. Drag me, sis. I want to go to...
uh Coachella because I want to see Frank Ocean and I want to see um Bjork back to back because that would be hilarious as yeah I forgot like see I was so tunneled in that just like Frank was playing I was just like I just can't I can't do that but yeah Bjork is playing but I don't know sometimes I'm like I think like waiting out and praying that the person goes on tour is better than seeing them at a festival because like
It's just too much. Dude, I literally hate Coachella. Also, festival concerts are so much more different set-wise than going on tour. But maybe that would be good for someone like Bjork because I don't really love Bjork's new albums. And I feel like if she did it for her... Oh, she'll do the classics? Yeah, she'll play the classics. So that's why I'm like, oh, I want to see that. Because when we got to see Drake and the K-Word on...
That concert. I think it means the Y word now. Oh yeah, the Y word. I was so over the moon and ecstatic because it was literally all of the greatest hits ever.
Of all time. Yeah, right, right. And I had sex with both of them backstage. Not a lot of people are talking about that. But after you said that on the podcast, remember they strictly reached out to us and they said, do not mention that again. And you just mentioned it again. Why are you saying that? We're not allowed to talk about that.
You're the one who started it. No, no, we're not allowed to talk about the legal ongoing legal battle that we have with them. Yeah, but you're the one mentioning the situation. So now it's already like we're already fucked. Well, let's just say this. Their lawyers reached out and said I was lying that I didn't have a threesome with Drake and Kanye backstage at the concert.
I have video proof and I am willing to air that. You have video proof? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was nasty, dirty, disgusting, stinky sex. Like it was really gross. Like, and it was awesome and fun and a blast. And did the camera lens fog up? Yeah, I was very surprised by like their stamina. Like it was, it was really amazing. Yeah, especially after a show that long. Like it is pretty impressive. But yeah, we're not allowed to talk about it. They're trying to sue me.
I'm going to counter sue and y'all will probably never see me on this podcast again because I'm counter suing for $70 million. I want to get my back blown out of Coachella. Like, where's my backshot mania at Coachella? Backshot mania. Logomania.
where's my kundalini mania kundalini yoga i'm about to yeah isn't that weird yeah that is um okay i have this written down and tell me if you understand what i'm saying but i don't know if this is a universal experience for everyone on tiktok for you page right now but have y'all been seeing a bunch of videos of people with topical serotopical steroid withdrawal syndrome um
Yes, I've seen it a bunch because it's a huge thing with the eczema. Eczema, yes, yes. And I was like, oh my God, you know what I'm going to do? Is I'm going to, if someone does me dirty, but like. You are so annoying. If someone does me dirty, right? I'm going to sneak into their house every night and put the eczema cream, eczema steroid cream on their body for six months. I wonder how much you would have to like slather on there. Like, I wonder if it would be. It would be a lot.
I would make sure I got it and I would get them addicted to it. And then when they're mean to me one last time after six months, I'm just going to take them off of it secretly. And they're going to go into full blown steroid cream withdrawal. What happens? And their skin is going to fall off. It's actually really jarring and it's really sad. And I,
feel bad for the people going through it because it's really unfair and the doctors don't warn people that their steroid cream for their eczema can cause them to go into withdrawal and their skin on like their specifically their face and their groins and can affect any part of your body but a lot of it is focused on the face and on your like genitals they're like
skin flakes off and gets like crusty and like it's it's it's not a pretty sight and i feel bad for these people because like their doctors don't warn them that this steroid cream can cause a withdrawal symptom and it's just dangerous like it makes me piss that it's not with me i mean we could change that
I've been hiding my upper lip for so long that when I see my mustache like this, it's scary as fuck. You have nice lips, though. There are some people with... Okay, okay. Hi. I love my lips. Um...
Well, also, I'm at the point in my life where I just be farting with noise-canceling headphones on, and I literally couldn't give a fuck. Like, I really, like, I do not give a fuck. Like, I was at the airport, and I let out a big-ass fart with my headphones on, and I just kept walking. I was like, I don't give a fuck. Girl, you're depressed as fuck. Yeah, that's a sign of depression. Oh, and I farted on Kai yesterday. Yeah, we were playing basketball, and he, like, dribbled up to me, and then, like, turned around and farted, like,
like on my leg. And it was really disgusting. I hate farts. If you did that to Drew, he would actually combust. He would be so fucking annoyed and pissed that he would fucking die. I think I'm over. But then Drew gets to go and fart on everybody. I think I'm over. I do feel like you had some sort of a breakthrough because you've been farting into the mic. You've been farting in my mouth. I don't think he, he didn't know that. I didn't know that clip was going to be fucking left in of me shitting into the goddamn mic. And when I saw it on TikTok, I was like, oh.
Are we supposed to cut that? You were literally humiliated. Well, no. I didn't listen to that section, so I didn't realize it was... I completely forgot I had done that, but I'm glad it stayed in so people could see the real me. Because I'm fun. I'm playful. I'm fun and playful. I fart. I fart too, everybody. My mind is a prison. It's not, though. If you think about it, your mind is a lovely retreat.
No, it's a prison and I want out. That you're being sent to against your will for a month and hopefully you come back better. It's like the nature retreats that they send out like bad kids to and abuse them for a month, which is also scary as fuck. I think we should send you to one of those though for your puff bar. Low-key, I would actually probably survive and thrive in that situation. Well, you wouldn't die. I love the forest. I love the woods. I love it so much. I do think that's what we need. I think when I get back, we need to like
go and like be in nature yeah before washington we should cruise up and stay in like sequoia for a few days sequoia yeah what is that good sounds good i just did the tana tongue challenge let me see your tongue i just have a depressed tongue or not a dehydrated tongue people like juice tongue is so white juice tongue is so white no i just brush my teeth i just have a dehydrated you counteract that if you just brush your teeth and then your first drink and meal is pepsi and talkie
So, damn, you do have a white-ass tongue, bitch. Well, I was going to say, talk about, just without naming names, that little key we had after recording the Pear episode last week was the most diabolical, ranted vibe I've ever been a part of in my entire life. And that's all I'll say. Just know that
It was awful. I've never felt like that in my life. Yeah, it was. It was something. I think I'm past the point of wanting to put myself in awkward situations. I feel like when I was really young, that was funny because it was like, dude, this is so awkward and weird. Like, why am I here? But now I'm at the point where like, no, I would much rather be with people who I actually don't want to kill myself around because of uncomfortableness. Hold on. I'm actually about to piss myself.
Okay, I'll just say this real quick. And also, like, that vibe was so crazy. And I wanted to like key with those people so hard because I was like, I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. Like for some reason, like, y'all are both like, kind of bullied online and hated and like, just like it's, I want to just like get to know you. And one of them, I was thoroughly surprised by their behavior. I was like, Oh, wow, like,
I you get it like you can hang. And then the other one I was like, get off that damn phone and talk to me, please. Like, I want to know you. I want to get to know you, please, please, please, please. So, yeah, this doesn't this sucks because I'm not able to say who these fucking people are because I don't want them to think that I don't like them. But yeah, it was awful.
And I don't like airing people's business and shit out online unless it's Leonardo DiCaprio or Shawn Mendes spitting on me. What? I just said Shawn Mendes spit on me. Sue me, bitch. Sue me, bitch. The thing is, like, realistically, if anybody heard the, like, jokes we tell, they were like, I'm going to sue them. I would actually be shocked because I'd be like, dude, you were crazy because we literally, I don't think I've ever said anything real in my life. I have.
And Shawn Mendes spit on me. Well, one time, I can't believe I'm telling this story right now. When you haven't done a single goddamn thing. I can't believe I'm saying this right now. When I was like, probably it was just I was just learning how to like toddle around. So I don't know how old I was, but I wasn't speaking. And me and Madeline had beta fishes.
And one day we thought it was a good idea to replace the water in our betta fish tank with a two liter Coca-Cola bottle. There's no way this is real. And we got our ass beat. I beat your ass too. Well, one time we had a really big fucking...
What are they called? Like catfish? We had a really... We had a big suckerfish and it died and it was huge. Hold on, how big? How big?
Fuck you, bitch. Bigger than you. But it was fucking humongous and it died and we were like, oh, and our dad wasn't home. So we flushed him down the toilet and then it clogged the toilet and we were too scared to tell my dad. And then we were like, oh, we think we like put too much toilet paper in the toilet because we didn't think that if he tried to fix it, he would see the fish and he literally undid it and the fish was just like suctioned and stuck to the pipe like right under the toilet.
That is hilarious. And it smelled so bad because we let it go by for like four days. We just kept using my dad's bathroom. We were like, we don't want to get in trouble. And it smelled so bad. Okay, the last thing I'll say before we go into we're done. Yeah, I'm done. Those two bitches are dead to me.
They're going to rot in hell and they're going to be eaten by mealy worms. And it may be at my own hand. I may kill them. What? Oh, I thought you left. I was just joking. No, I literally didn't. And you're actually stupid for thinking that I would leave. Like, now what? Do I have a fucked up nose too? I got a big ass nose.
I have like a big face and a giant nose. And if my face was normal sized and my nose stayed the same size, it would be giant on my head. You're way too like going in on your appearance recently. Yeah, I'm just insecure, I think. You know what could fix that up? So here's what we'll do. We'll give you some. Look how high my eye is.
Like, what are you even pointing out now? Now you're just like a little bit just I think what it is, you haven't seen people in long enough that like you forgot what human faces look like. And now you're a bit like confused by your own face. I love you. Okay, but keep going on my filler journey. I do want to know. Okay, so here's what we can do. We can get you some buccal fat.
All right, we'll get you some buccal fat. And then what is it like? We'll get you an eyebrow lift. We'll get you some filler like all along here. I do need cheeks. Yeah, you got to get some bones in there. And then after buccal fat, we'll do some lip filler. We'll get your lips nice and plump. I don't you look really pretty right now. And I'm not I'm literally not even joking. I just realized that you always look so good on these episodes. It's crazy.
Well, it's because I look better when the camera is directly in front of me and when it's at the side of me. It's actually the most shocking thing I've ever seen in my life. Like, I look best with a camera in front of me slightly angled up. Like, it could be better. Like, if it was like this, it would be perfect. Yeah.
Yeah. She's just normal. Yeah, I was thinking about getting Botox in my master muscles to kind of like, relax them a little bit because I do just hold my mouth really hard together. And I have I'm pretty sure Amy Ordman did that and had the opposite effect. Like she was told that she grinded her teeth. So she went and gotten it and it had the opposite effect. Like it made her face like wider and then she had to undo it.
That filler and Botox is all a scam. I think that we need to just accept that you look the way you look and that is fine. And it is, if it's different, it's different. And that's a positive note. I mean, like this, I look sexy. No, I would literally never look like you're like stretching your shoulder. Cause you pulled a muscle when you do that. I did. I actually did hurt my shoulder last night before bed. I was like, damn, why is my shoulder fucking hurt right now? But, um,
I need to get a better mattress because I've been sleeping on my side a lot and my back hurts so bad. But my bed is like too uncomfortable to lay like on with my back on it. All right. I think we're good. Oh, wait, no, no, no. I have one more thing to say. So we'll insert the video.
But I figured out why Imagine Dragons are so popular. Do you remember when I was like, there has to be something to it? There has to be something that we're not fully understanding. Like, why are they selling out stadiums? Why are their songs so strange? Why do their music videos have so many fucking views? You know what it is? Not only is it like a Mormon thing, but also he is like the hottest man alive. Do they curse? No. No, no, no, no. But he is like the hottest man I've ever seen in my entire life.
life. I'm not joking. Like I could argue that you on that because it's really, really, really shocking. And that's the reason why here I'm sending you the video and question. Hold on. Oh my god. And yeah, I almost sent a picture that I edited. Hold on. I'll just show you real quick on here. Kai blur this.
That is like actually like terrifying. Oh God. Kai, did I show you that yesterday? No, I've never seen that. I would have remembered if I saw that. Yeah, you know what it's referencing, right? I don't think so. But I showed you on FaceTime when I was like, I have to see your reaction to it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's what that is. Ew, he's gross.
Kai, did you watch the video in Emerald's Unicom chat? What video? Oh, wait, the Imagine Dragons one? Yeah. His body goes kind of crazy for me. His body is, like, lit, I guess, but, like, really look at his face. He's just like a guy. He kind of just looks like a guy in Game of Thrones. Yeah, he does have, like, a puggy little face. Like a townsman, like a villager, like an extra in Game of Thrones. The way he's moving is so annoying. Yeah.
imagine being a Mormon that's like the weekend vibe imagine being like a repressed Mormon and going to a concert and seeing this I would score big time I would score big time if I didn't have access to like actually like hot men in my life girls no no no no please
Because I'm wondering about all that stuff all the time. Well, you should use your fucking iPhone and Google it, you goddamn freak. I have parental controls on my phone. Girls, just don't squirt. Okay, okay, okay. Let's do some media. Um...
Mine is Bullshit by Perfect Chow, Solaris 12-15-22-5 by Foxy DK, and Coral by Downhill 2K01. Is that the guy you're friends with, Kai? I know him on the internet. We follow each other. Oh, okay. Okay, yeah, because that just popped up in my recommended, and I was like, this song is fucking lit. Dude, he's super talented. He's a really good producer. And then...
For movies and show, I just rewatched Mob Psycho season one. Loved it. I watched a couple more animes that I was like, oh, this is kind of lit. And then for like the movie, I haven't seen it yet. And I've been begging every... Oh, I saw Creed 3 and that shit was so good. You watched Creed 3? Yeah.
It follows. I had to watch it. I feel like Creed 3 is being shoved down my throat by the media in a crazy way. Everywhere I've gone, I've seen it. They have a Fortnite skin for Creed 3. Why is there a Fortnite skin for Creed? And yeah, you should watch it because Michael B. Jordan is peak form. He is like the sexiest man I've ever seen in my entire life. Yeah, I saw his hot one and I was like...
It was really crazy. It was a fun movie. It was like the worst movie I've ever seen, but simultaneously the most fun I've ever had in a movie. I'm too behind on movies to be watching a movie just because I'm a little horny. I have too many movies to watch. You need to
You need to watch that one. And then I've been wanting to watch so badly. I forget what it's called. It's called like Close or something like that. It's an A24 movie. Then you probably didn't watch it because you don't know what that is. Like what? You don't know. No, I said I've been meaning to watch it. And apparently it's like kind of like a masterpiece. I just don't know how you know what A24 is. I made A24, babes.
Yeah, you made a $15,000 in your pants. Oh, girl, what the fuck are you even saying? What? How many grams? 24 pack. But clothes is apparently really cute and will make you cry your eyes out. Oh, wait. Yeah, we were gonna go watch it.
Yeah, but we haven't yet. 13-year-olds Leo and Remy have always been incredibly close, but they drift apart after the intimacy of their friendship is questioned by schoolmates. When tragedy strikes, one is forced to confront why he dissed themselves from his closest friend. I think we can all gather why I want to watch that one. Because you... Why? Because I got a puffy face. Oh, okay. No. No.
Well, my media of the week has been still watching The Sopranos. I'm going to start Succession this week. I'm going to start. I'm going to put it aside and start Succession because I'm really nervous for when it starts and all my friends are watching it and trying to talk about it around me. And then I'm just like...
What? Oh my god, it comes out in like two days, huh? Not two days. In like two weeks. You fucking bitch. You fucking idiot. You're so stupid. When does it come out, bitch? On the 26th, you fucking stupid bitch. Exactly. You need to get a life and fucking find people in your life who love you because I don't fucking give a fuck about you. I thought he was going to fart again. I did too.
dude look at him having to step over everything on the floor in his room like he literally had to like traverse name one object in this picture all right nice dude yeah i guess you can't name one object yeah all right my media of the week is i love this life by the blue nile wait i swear like a little bit of like puff puff vape just appeared and it looked like stock footage
oh he's he's blowing it in he looks like a cartoon it's the ghost of drew he just killed himself i just killed myself yeah why is the ghost of drew announcing himself i don't even think he can he can't hear us i'm hanging in the closet i'm hanging in your closet so when you come home you find me and it's all because you said no one loves me
Like, what's gross is he's home alone doing that. And also what's gross is he's just using this as an excuse to like hit his puff bar a bunch of times. Okay, my media is I Love This Life by the Blue Nile, Folk Song by the Sundays, Polly Blue by Jessica Pratt, Total Interferencia by Charli Garcia. And that's it.
Oh, and I've been listening to Choose You by Project Pat a lot again. And that's it for this episode. I guess we're going to outro it without Drew because he seemingly has ended his life. You'll never see me again. I guess the ghost of Drew still cares about his job, so that's interesting. Thank you guys so much for listening and we'll see you...