Addressing the wig stealing
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ABC Wednesdays. Y'all complain all day. We want books. We want paper towels in the classroom. Bet you want razors, too. I'm still waiting on the paper towels. Abbott Elementary returns with a new season. We asked the district for more after-school programs. They gave us $50 for class beds instead. Critics cheer. Abbott Elementary continues to be one of the funniest and most beloved shows on TV. What y'all doing out there? Taking bribes. Proud of y'all.

Honestly, we have stuff to do for the rest of the week and Drew hasn't been home for a few days. And I think I'm just going to do this episode alone.

It's actually kind of easy because I don't have like a nasty, disgusting, like putrid stench of a person just kind of in my space invading my like mindset and my thoughts. And I feel like we could just get on a deeper level. We could talk about periods and tampons and like ovaries and stuff. Drew? Drew? Drew, you okay?

A dead ass busted ass. So bad. Dude, when I heard it I was like there's no real- That shit hurts so fucking bad dude. Um.

Well, I'm thinking of just starting this episode alone because like Drew's just been missing for a few days. And honestly, I'm about my business. I'm about my work. I don't just disappear and like go on vacation. He's probably on Grindr Island or something. I heard that's a thing now. So I guess I'll just be here doing the episode alone. Drew? Yeah, I'm here. I made it. What the fuck is on your head? It's a wig.

I can see it's a wig. It's a Tinkerbell wig. Why is this? What is this? We were in it, though. We were in it. We were doing it again. We can't keep doing this.

I'm waiting on Drew to start. Actually, I was going to wait on Drew, but I'm not going to wait on him. And I have something really important to say. I had a dream last night that I, my sister cut my hair off and I had a fuck ass bob and bangs. And it literally was like Dora. And you know how I wear those like tiny shorts and shirts right now for the summer. I was literally wearing like Dora's colors. Like I had a pink shirt. Drew, Drew, what the fuck are you wearing? I made it. It's a jumpsuit.

Did you like, is that your new like, is this a prison? Yeah. Can we get this going? Because I like, I have shit to do after this. Like I have, I have to leave. I have to go. So can we like hurry the fuck up? Like, what are you going to ask me so many fucking questions? Like, damn, like Jesus fucking Christ.

it's a tinkerbell wig because i know you're about to ask next it's a tinkerbell wig okay i know i look good and i know i look good you don't i don't know if good is the way yeah that's a lot that is bold how much did you pay for that i didn't pay for this i stole it oh my god did you get caught stealing is that why you're no is that why you're dressed like this actually i don't give a anymore since it's the most viral clip of all time apparently

Fuck ABC News, DFW. Count your fucking days because now because of you, I'm on the fucking run. I am a fugitive of the fucking law. Roll the clip. Police in Oklahoma City are looking for this man. They say that he stole thousands of dollars of wigs from Disney on Ice performers. Police released this surveillance video from Saturday. They say the theft happened at the Oklahoma State Fairgrounds. Officials are considering a cash reward in this case.

Are we going to keep every time we try to redo that in here? It's so scary. Bro, okay. End scene. End scene. Or should we keep going? Should we just keep ripping? Yeah, let's just do a whole episode where it's just like improv. I'm in character. Improv. And we'll switch seats and like, top in, top out, top in, top out. They fucked up giving me these things though because it's like the perfect fidget. I was thinking like of making a fidget like this.

I don't know if that'll like

Also, I'm not fucking around my arm hurts so bad. I mean it is fully swollen I genuinely think I have a bone contusion like genuinely. It is swollen. Every time I like pinch with these fingers it hurts so bad. You just gotta put the period cramp simulator on there. It'll heal it. Oh literally. Oh, where is that? I'm just wondering like where that is. Why do you want that shit? Okay, so that clip of the guy robbing

The fucking Disney on ice, whatever the fuck. Disney on ice. Let's talk about that. I've been to that. Hella problematic because like why would Disney characters be doing meth in front of a bunch of kids? Yeah.

Like, actually, I've been thinking about that. No, no, no. It's like ice skating. Like, they're skating around in costumes. Yeah, ice skating is, like, another term for doing meth. Is that actually what people say? Yeah, they're like, I'm going ice skating. Like, does anybody want to go ice skating? It's on Grindr all the time. I can't imagine anybody, like, meth.

Meth is such a gnarly drug to me that I can't imagine anybody being like casual about it. Being like, yeah, I'm going to go ice skating. Like, it's chill. That's my vibe. It's like the number one drug you can't be casual on. But this is like my biggest fear coming true. I've said it several times on this podcast over the last three years that

and my biggest one of my biggest fears is getting tried and going to a going to jail for a crime i didn't commit and fuck all of y'all literally fuck all of y'all the comment so funny because it's like no this is an actual crime and they're trying to find the person who did it in the top four comments all have like ten thousand twenty thousand thousand likes of like drew

Drew Phillips. That's Drew Phillips. Get him. Get him, mama. Whoever is running the social for Daily Mail or whoever posted it probably was like, oh, that was like... We got a new story. No, it was ABC News DFW, which is also very concerning because I am from the DFW area. I have an alibi. I have an alibi about

not being in OKC because it happened in Oklahoma. But all I imagine is like the people like going through the comments, like looking for tips and like literally 500 comments with 10,000, 20,000, 30,000 likes all saying it was me. So then they deep dive on my social media. This was like when we were looking at it, the first video that showed up is this one. It's time seeing the castle since COVID. I'm gonna cry.

Like the Disney fiend. And then if you look up... Drew Phillips. Drew Phillips, I think, wig, I think, comes up. And it's me with that fucking hair, with the like half blonde, half whatever, dancing like a fucking psychopath tweaker. And like, yeah.

Like, you know, they saw that shit and they were like, oh, he's actually fucking crazy. Like, he actually does this shit for real. Dude, that was my favorite thing to imagine is somebody looking into it and being like, okay, this guy does look like this. Oh, my God. Okay. And, like, deep diving and you don't have any real pictures, any, like, normal videos. Like, there's rarely any content of you just being a normal person. They probably...

We're like, yeah, this is the guy. I wish you got contacted. I know. I was hyper-refreshing my email, just waiting for...

the email to come through like for questioning or some shit. I would just love you on a news broadcast like defending your honor. No, literally. No, I would go like full Andy Kaufman and like act like I did it. Like I would become a problem and I would waste everybody's time and resources. Drew really doesn't have any normal photos because like I've had family members be like, oh, who do you do the podcast with? And I'll like show them your guys' Instagram. And Andy has like a bunch of like great photos and then I go to yours and it's like you with like no jaw. Yeah.

Basically. Or like no chance. I was thinking about that the other day. And the new picture I'm uploading soon, y'all, I decided it's going up. Really? It's going up, y'all. You've made the decision? It's going up. And I think it might go up either today. You should put up the Walter White picture. No, bitch. I love that one. That one didn't get enough love. I know. Y'all usually screenshot and post that stuff, but why did nobody like that picture of Drew's bed? Because it's fucking rancid and repulsive, bitch. Did you fake it?

Face app, a beard, and a smile? Yes, I face-tapped the whole thing. It was a Walter White filter, and then I face-tapped a smile on, and then I contorted my body and like--

Held the camera out, bitch. Can we play Raya later and you like, um... Have that as my picture? Bitch, we will get no likes. Y'all know what Raya is? Raya is like this, if you don't know, is this like dating app for like celebrities and like famous people. But it's hella ran through now. Like it's fucking bullshit and it's like so annoying. But we play a game called Raya where we go and we like make our profile as heinous and disgusting as possible and

And then we just start fucking trolling all the celebrities on there. And it's fun. It's a goofy gag. It's fun. It's fun. Like just people looking for love and then they see Walter White like the mentor or whatever. It did work though because you met Timothy on there, right? Yeah. Yeah, but they like met in person. Also, can we stop talking about Timothy? I am Drew Phillips. And then saw him. Okay, but wait, wait, wait. I am Drew Phillips.

timothy is timothy we are two separate entities i'm not timothy's bae timothy's not my bae we are just together and that's that like but we can exist we can exist without using the word bae so seriously i'm not his bae no but we can exist he's not my bae like without each other's context and i see you as your own person but it's just way more interesting when you're associated like that this fucking hurts bro i think i actually broke my bone

No, I didn't. I wish I saw how hard you fell. Bitch, I fell hard as fuck in my ribs. I mean, I heard it. Literally, at first, I was like, did he knock something over? That's what I thought. And I was like... But it was your big, big body hitting the floor. Don't really think I'm big? Really? Wait, I have to get this off my chest about my dream, though, because seriously, I was... Oh, yeah, fuck Dora. It's... What's her name? It's Tinkerbell. You want to talk about Dora, bitch? Let's talk about this Tinkerbell.

I don't understand why he would steal those wigs because I don't think they're like good wigs. It's that RuPaul drag race like drag queen crime syndicate. Like literally just like a drag queen stealing a bunch of wigs from Disney. Also, literally like how are these worth? They said $10,000. There's no way. Bitch, y'all are lying. Like y'all are fucking lying like crazy. These are not $10,000. Yeah, your wig. This one looks crazy. Well, no, this one's $10,000. Oh, okay. You took the...

Dude, it looks insane. I'm kind of amazed by it. It's kind of beautiful. It has a life of its own. Yeah, it fits me really well, too. Bitch, it's too small for my fucking head. I think it's made for toddlers or some shit. Did you get the cheapest one? Yeah, it was $22. But this all came together for $14.

And there's a little thing that I forgot to put on. Dude, this isn't, like, real. This is pure plastic. Also, there was, like, the... It says convict on the back, and it's, like, sticky. Like, it's not dried. Like, I was peeling off... Like, it fell onto a piece of paper, and it, like, ripped the piece of paper to shreds. So, like, there's, like, pieces of, like, paper. Also, I Instacarted some groceries this morning, and Drew had to answer the door to my...

I answered the door in this outfit. And also he was trying to hand me the girl. He had all three bags on his arm and he was like, here,

And I was like, what am I supposed to do? And so I started sliding. No, I literally started sliding my arm under his. And then I was like, wait, this is weird as fuck. So I pulled my arm out and I was like, here, wait, wait one second. And I like put my shit down and then I like went back and just grabbed them one by one. But like he was like, what the fuck is going on in this house? He was a sweet guy, though. But also they gave you muscles for free. I know they gave me clams.

Hmm. Tuna box. They gave me some clams for my chowder. Yeah. For my yeast infection, my leftover. Ew. But...

I was saying, "I don't know if I'm allergic to mussels, oysters, or clams, but if they're mussels," I was like, "should I intentionally eat mussels on the podcast today to have an allergic reaction?" Like, that wouldn't be enjoyable for anybody, like, not the viewers or us, like, you would just, like, start freaking out. It would go so viral, it'd be like, "stupid fucking podcast influencer eats mussels to intentionally have an allergic reaction on camera for views." All publicity is good publicity, babe.

Oh, publicity is good publicity. Well, in my dream, when my sister cut my hair, I literally couldn't stop crying. Everybody was like, oh, your hair. And I was like,

And then I started sobbing. And it was like in the dream. Also in the dream, I was like giving way too much props to myself because in my dream, my hair was like up to here naturally. And it got cut. And I was like, oh my gosh, you cut off like 22 inches of my hair. And I accidentally was dressed like Dora and everybody was making fun of me. I was like, oh, Halloween came early. That was my dream. Do you remember when you cut your pixie wig? I mean, your pixie cut and you cried? Yes.

Yeah. And I was projecting really hard because I was like, ugly people, bitch. I looked really ugly. Yeah, it was crazy. Like, the call was coming from inside the house. I was like, fucked. It was a cooked ass fuck. Like, I looked really gross. No, you grew into it and it was cute. When it was like the, like. Yeah, when it got a little longer, but when I first cut all my hair off, that was. It was jarring. Jarring. Yeah, that was a lot. Like, I can't believe I fucking did that.

Which is cunt. Like it was five. I would do it again if I was like 35. But also I think your hair stops growing as fast the older you get. So maybe that train has sailed a pass and I'll never do that because I'm so attached to my hair. I've realized. You'll never cut your hair again. Yeah. You'll never. And I don't think you'll ever dye it a color. Yeah, no. That was such an insane art. It's like not worth it. Also, I look back and I'm like, bruh, give it up. Like you want attention so fucking bad. Like bitches watch Scott Pilgrim versus the world one time and they're like, wait.

Okay, so apparently. No, no, no. Okay. Okay, wow. I know. Apparently, I just found this out last night. Harry Styles was a part of this band called One Direction. This is your big joke? I started the podcast, you were like, I have a banger of a One Direction joke for this episode. That was the joke.

So apparently we have been manipulated because Harry Styles was originally in One Direction. I like, I can't believe there are definitely kids who don't know that. So like, because when you showed me that comment, so basically on a video of Harry, somebody was like, oh my God, I just realized he was in One Direction apparently.

And at first I was like, that has to be a troll. Like, you're just saying that to say it. But then I remembered that One Direction started in like 2012. And a lot of the kids on the internet are like, born in 2010.

It's like us finding out, well, I don't even know if that's a good example. Was Justin Timberlake an NSYNC? Yeah. It's like that. Yeah, I guess we did know him as like a solo person and then it was like NSYNC. But my mom was an NSYNC fan, so I knew about NSYNC when I was younger. I don't give a fuck about any of them. Yeah, I didn't give a fuck about them like that. Especially the gay one. Oh, they do have one really good song that I love.

Who the fuck is Drew Starkey? Where did he come from? That's another psyop. What has he done before? Who is that? I don't know who that is. He's in Luca Guadalajara's new movie. What is his name? Luca, call me by your name. I actually don't know how to pronounce it, to be honest. Guandango. Guandango. Fandango, hello. I really need to find this fucking song. I'm never going to find it. I might need stitches, y'all. You're so dramatic. Ow. Ow.

Damn, what is this fucking thing? Oh my god, there's a Troll song from NSYNC? They got the band back together. We need to get the band back together to watch Troll. And it's literally called Troll's Band Together. Yeah. We haven't had like

A night in, in a long time. I know, we haven't had like a proper sleepover with all our friends. So we do this thing like once a year, every time the Trolls movies come out, our friend group gets together and does a sleepover and watches the Trolls movie together. And every time we have literally watched it and been like, this is a feat of animation.

This is a great movie. This is no way around it. This is remarkable. Perfect. Perfect. But that's really how I feel still about Spider-Man Across the Spider-Verse. Just in case anybody was wondering where I stand with that movie, I still really want to watch it again. I think I might watch it when we go to Arizona this week. That's kind of my tradition when I'm on a plane. I watch it because it just makes me happy. I'm happy. Hey, guys. We wanted to take a quick break to thank one of today's sponsors, Shopify. Cha-ching. Cha-ching.

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do y'all remember vat 19 yes i bought have you seen that fucking first of all that 19 was the og drop shipper like they weren't making any of that stuff they ate it is so insane because i remember being excited up until the age of like even 14 15 which really goes to show like how like childish you are at 14 15

Even at 14, 15, I remember looking at their channel and being like, fuck, I want something so fucking bad. And I remember when I first got paid from a YouTube thing, I bought the like slime they sold. And I bought that. The errands? Yeah. And I bought it and I was so happy. Bitch, those videos are literally just glorified commercials. Oh, all of it. They never made any video that was like actually funny or interesting. It was literally just commercials. Do you remember the liquid glass bathtub? No.

They got 500 pounds of liquid glass Crazy Aaron's putty and put it in a bathtub and then got inside of it. And then when he was getting out, his...

bathing suits started falling off and that was my sexual awakening unironically i was like wait you're like wait why would it be really funny if that like fell off yeah why should it like come all the way off can you take a time code because i just moved my legs and i think my whole fucking vajayjay um but uh i have such a funny story so when i like fucked up my knee um my friends like didn't understand like

how normal surgery was on like children like they thought i was like literally dying yeah it's fair when my sister got her tonsils removed when she was a kid i thought she was gonna die yeah i literally was like i'm losing my sister exactly i'm only seven exactly it's gonna be really hard and um like one of my friends hunter he like literally thought i was dying like he freaked the fuck out and we would like sit and watch vat19 videos all day long like

Literally that was our shit. We would do Axe Wars and build forts out of beds and just spray each other with Axe all night and then wake up the next day and watch Vat19 videos. And so he thought I was dying, so he, I had never gotten anything for Vat19. He really never got shit from it 'cause our parents were like, "No, that's just fucking random shit." - It's garbage. - Yeah, it's garbage.

So he literally, I'm not kidding, spent like $500 to $1,000 on all of the shit we wanted and gave it to me in a gift basket before my surgery because he actually thought I was going to die. Oh, that's sweet. It was literally one of the sweetest things ever. And we got the...

gummy worm and the giant gummy bear and like we took like three bites of it and it was like the most repulsive nasty fucking thing I've ever eaten in my life so then we proceeded to get my mom's like nice ass like fiesta ware ceramic bowl and like put it inside of it and then microwave it for like 20 minutes destroyed the bowl I don't think she still knows that we did this but like destroyed the bowl like melted the coating and those are like nice ass fucking dishes and

like just made like fucking brown gunk. Yeah and it was horrible. It was like it was so bad and we threw it away. Okay we need to like go back. We need to really like reframe our minds because 14, 15 year olds now want chrome hearts. We wanted the big gummy bear. Yeah y'all don't know what it's like. The big gummy worm from Vat19. Like that was the pinnacle of wealth. We were

like holy fuck if I could afford the $50 gummy worm I would be set I would be so fucking happy they want chrome hearts they want chrome hearts and ring lights for Christmas they want chrome hearts ring lights essential hoodies I'm just naming off what my siblings want my

siblings are fucking crazy. Like I've, I always see TikToks of people being like, oh hell no. This is what my brother just asked for Christmas. And it's a crazy list. I see all the comments. Like there's no way this is real bitch. That shit is real. My sister literally will call me and be like, yeah, I want these extensions. They cost $600. Also. I was thinking like, I really want these Rick Owens shoes. Like I need them in pink. Like they're not sold anymore, but like they're for resale for like $2,000. And I just have to ignore all her texts.

because I'm like, I don't know who the fuck you think you are talking to right now. Like you are actually a batshit. They always ask you for like one thousand three pairs of one thousand dollar Jordans a year. Yeah. Like every single year. Every Christmas. And they don't watch this podcast.

And I will have y'all hold me accountable. I will not be getting my sibling shit for Christmas this year. They are being cut off. Like, I feel like I have to, like, cut off. Like, I feel like this is my equivalent to succession. It's like, I have to cut off my children. I've never seen succession, though, so I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. It's pretty close. It's pretty close. Yeah. I'm running a fucking empire, y'all. Exactly. So, y'all, we fucking got them. We finally, we got them. Um...

Really, really important moment in history happened this last week. The VMAs happened and we solidified the new pop girls. Like we really, we really did. Chappelle, assless chap with Rome and Sabrina Carpenter fucking tore. And also,

I didn't really see any Katy Perry slander, but we had some slander thrown in real life, and I was like, no. Absolutely fucking not. Her new shit is bunk as fuck. We all know that. But what she did to pop was revolutionary. She is a revolutionary. You know what it was? It was like the Dark Horses era. I think that really kind of killed it. It was the Christine Sidelco music video that like...

like not because of basketballs not because of christine sadelco but i know sadelco but it's because of like just that era of like it was just camp too far yeah it was when musicians and like internet culture was for the first time merging when that was happening everybody was really confused and didn't know really how to integrate it correctly now it's like the normal thing of you'll just see like an influencer or like internet person in a video and they won't do a thing of like do your

moment like it's not like that it's just like they're in it we all know like i see you you see me whatever but it's a nod it was like that era where it was like oh wait didn't they didn't she bring out backpack kid on snl yes dude oh my god that era was really crazy but i'll give it to her it was a confusing time for everybody and she was a pioneer in her own way in that because she gave us all a lot of opportunity because i'll never forget um

The sex tape me and Katy Perry shot because she saw me online. The sex tape? Is that not out yet? I don't think that's released. No, I don't think she would appreciate that. We'll blur it and bleep it. We'll blur and bleep. We'll blur and bleep. No, that, VMAs, I need y'all to know, I grew up in stan culture. And at this point in my life, I don't necessarily engage in it the way I used to. But...

something about this vmas i needed to watch it was special they were messy yeah it was like messy like it just felt really what it was is i was reaching for the happiness i felt as a teenager because i haven't felt that kind of joy in a long time but that's a different don't fucking touch me oh my fucking god i lost my train of thought oh my god look what you did

You haven't felt joy in a long time. I think that's the topic. Crazy assumption for you to make about me. You literally just said that. That was really problematic. Like women can feel joy too. Yeah. I was, you said it and I was like getting you back on your feet. I didn't say that. I don't remember saying that. Okay. Well we could rewind it and you just said. Rewind it? What are you going to take the tape out? Old fart? Fucking. No, this is all shot digitally. I'm shocked you know what that is. But really, really wanted to watch the VMAs.

MTV, I have a fucking bone to pick with you, you dumb fucking bitches. Why the fuck was it streaming in real time on the East Coast and then not on the West Coast? They're canceled for that. It makes no sense. Bitch, we live in the digital era. Why is your fucking TikTok account MTV posting about everything happening at the fucking awards?

Oh, but I have to wait till 8 p.m. Pacific time to watch it? Yo, I've never seen Enya apply herself to anything more in my entire life than her trying to get the live stream of the

the MTV Music Awards up on our goddamn TV. She was like trying to pirate it. Bitch, I thought I was hacking the system. She was like, she bought a VPN. I bought a VPN. She bought Hulu Live TV. She spent like literally 50. Did you cancel the VPN? Oh, yeah. Okay, good, good. Oh, I canceled everything immediately. Yeah, but you still got charged that 30 bucks from Hulu. Yeah, okay.

And it didn't work. None of it worked. It was like a $30 attempt. It was an hour and a half. I'm not exaggerating. And you're trying to get it to be live on the TV. But we just ended up like watching the clips uploaded afterwards. Which were uploaded before it even streamed on the West Coast. So MTV, get your fucking shit together, bitch. You make no fucking sense. Yeah.

But we like love you. By the time it was streaming on the West Coast, all the celebrities were posting their fucking looks on IG. So what the fuck would I watch your stream for, bitch? Oh my God. It like it angered me in a way I haven't been in a long time. But yeah.

Thank you for what you've given to the culture. Yeah, no, thank you. I think y'all did y'all's number with that one. Y'all did the big one. I feel like MTV has been trying to get the VMAs back in our face for a long time. And this was the first year where I was like, wait, why do I need to watch this? Yeah. Sabrina Carpenter, Cantiana Grande. She tore down. Goosebumps. I literally had goosebumps watching that. Chapel Roan chills. It felt like all the nods to Madonna Gaga. All of it was amazing. Torn apart!

Also, the slander on Addison Rae's outfit is not tolerated. Yeah, it's ridiculous. It is not tolerated in this house. Like, if you get it, you get it. Just say you don't get it and that's okay. But you don't gotta like talk shit. But like, there's levels to this shit. Also, I do think people,

It was supposed to be bad. People underestimate, not even that, people underestimate how fucking hard it is to put a look together. Like, y'all are thinking, oh, I'm going to go out with my friends to the fucking pizzeria in my local town. I'm going to throw my fit. No, you're not thinking about being on a global stage and what that means and having to like stand out, but not stand out too much and like all of those things. So,

Don't compete where you don't compare. Leave my girl alone. Yeah, but we are just avid Addison Raer and our...

and protectors. So don't talk. And it was a good look. Yeah, it literally was. It literally was. What else happened? Oh, bitch. Psychological operations to the highest degree went down at the fucking VMAs. And I'm sorry, like, I'm really going to get into it. You're the only person, like, I haven't even seen, like, the scary part of TikToks.

say this. Yeah, no, because I'm going to be the fucking first one to break the story, god damn it. Bitch, okay, last year, the last three years, it's been so demonic. Like, everything has been demon coded. It's like, hold on a minute, like, just demonic. Was that like Playboy Carti? Yeah, yeah, like, just like

all black leather, scary fucking dark sided energy, like worshiping the demon, like twerking on the demon's lap and shit, which like when it first happened, I was like, yeah, this is cool. Like, uh, break the glass ceiling, whatever the fuck. I don't give a fuck anymore. But, um,

This VMAs, we watched the pendulum swing for everyone in real fucking time. It was spooky, ooky, scary vibes. Everyone had crosses. They were wearing veils. It was very Catholic core. Like everyone was so pure. Like it was very light energy. And I don't know what that says about.

It's not a psychological operation. I think it's literally just like people are like, I want hope and positivity. I'm tired of the demons. Like I'm tired of all the demon shit. Demons are winning. Yeah. It was like the like everyone started dying their hair fucking blonde when their new album rolled out because they were so dark sided, like dark trad or whatever triad, like like brunette vibe, like scary dark energy. And then they went to like blonde. Bitch, I get both. What are you talking about? You sound fucking crazy. Yeah.

You be like, I'm going to break the case. I'm going to break the fucking case. Yeah, I did. Just go back and look. There was not one dark-sided, sick, and twisted evil outfit other than a couple like...

People didn't try hard enough. That was scary. I saw a couple outfits where I was like, bitch, what the fuck are you wearing? Like that fucking like pleather, like, or a patent leather, like shiny with like the white piping. Like that shit freaks me the fuck out. Like the James Charles outfits. Is it like the, like kind of like Mugler looking? No, it's just like shiny. Like you don't like patent leather. I don't like, I liked it. I don't like it anymore. It's like,

it's like that goddamn off white belt like the same thing happened to it i like the off white belt but like y'all just did too much with it like like give it up well i have nothing negative to say i'm just moving into a very positive headspace you have been very positive yeah i'm so happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy i'm happy oh actually no i got a fucking bone to pick i was on tiktok live you after shit talking mtv for like 10 minutes i

- I saw a TikTok live and somebody asked me how my year went and I just like went on a stupid fake, whoa, you were like bleeding a lot. - It's like staining the chair. Every time I touch it, it hurts. - Oh, you're gonna get like asbestos from the chair. - Do you see, it's like leaking like plasma or is that bone marrow? At the top, do you see the clear liquid coming out? It might just be white blood cells, it's already healing. My body is a fast healer. Look right there. - Yeah. - Yes. I'm already scabbing over babe, I'm like Wolverine.

I do get Wolverine. What was I saying, dude? Oh, I was on live stream and somebody asked me how my year went. And I said that it went awful. And I'm like, I tried this year. This year was the first year of my life where I was like, I'm going to be optimistic. I was in a deep, deep, dark depression. But I was like, you know what? I already know when I hear the birds chirping, I'll be fine. Like this year will be awesome. No, this year was fucking nightmarish hellscape for me.

And I'm no longer having trying to have a positive mindset because look what it got me. Why was one of the comments like somebody posted that clip on TikTok? Why was one of the comments like easy for her to say? I already know her life's been super easy. Oh, that's India's rally. Like Kamala calling out Trump's rally sizes. That's India's trigger. If you talk about her having it easy growing up. I had it easy growing up. You don't know the fucking half, motherfucker.

My life was awesome in a funny, fun way. It

It literally wasn't awesome. Yeah. It was something. But like a lot of y'all are mad I made it out the mud. Like I don't give a fuck. Like fuck you bitch. Like what? Like literally. And your dead ass did make it out of the trenches and now we're back in the trenches because our house is fucking falling apart. I have to go back to mentioning that I'm from Miami and I grew up poor. Remember when that was like my thing I mentioned every episode. By the way. Because people are starting to forget the Netbo rumors have gotten a little too far. People think my shit is easy. Shit is not sweet. I still have a lot of things to figure out and like to work on.

I was obsessed with the Fortnite. Oh, the FNCS. Yeah, the FNCS this weekend. Drew put me on and I watched. Peter bought and fucking Poyo. Five hours worth of. Y'all need to leave Poyo alone, motherfucker. Poyo is literally carrying moves. Like he is lit as fuck. Most underrated Fortnite player of all time. No, he's giving like. The healer. He's giving like the mind of the mastermind. Yeah. Like he's controlling the moves. Like he's taking a backseat so Peter can like.

bask in the limelight and get the cool kills but really like he's holding it fucking down like he is holding it there's no i in team there's no peter rotten team yeah you need to work on that

well I watched like five hours of that stream and then like the thing about watching that I haven't been playing fortnite as much but the thing about watching that it made fortnite look so fun and exciting and I was like oh my god I want to play but then I was like wait I'm not gonna get on and play like a fucking world champion right now I'm gonna get on get murked and be like really sad and upset and just like turn off my fucking ps5 the second I get killed so I'm not gonna play but that almost got me to

play. Yeah. Like it almost got me there. I miss I miss disassociating and playing Fortnite for five hours a day. Like I was much happier because I wasn't in my real life. I was just like disconnecting and like existing in a virtual reality. Headphones in like world out.

out fortnight in world out like i miss it so much they just need to add something funny like um proximity chat or something then i would play then i would play all the fucking time but yeah i watched five hours of fortnight this weekend that's kind of where my mind's at just like very gluttonous i did find out that this new tick dropped that makes you allergic to meat

No, it just came out. Like, why can't they drop cool new animals that, like, make you forever youthful? Like, why do they make you allergic to meat? I thought you were part of Scientology. Don't they have that yet? Well, yeah, but I can't talk about it. Well, I just did. Have you ever looked at a hippo? Like, have you ever actually looked at a hippo? They're fucking ugly. They're the most alien creatures on this fucking planet. There's this, like, pygmy hippo, like, going viral right now that I'm obsessed with. Going viral right now.

She's eating. She's like this little tiny hippo. It's so fucking cute and it's slippery and she bites her handlers and shit. Just look up Inya. Look up pygmy hippo. How do you spell that? It's like mungdang or something like that. I love it. Moodang. That's really cute.

Skip this. Fuck Daily Mail. Wait, what? The viral happy hippo with her own makeup line. Don't give Daily Mail a fucking view. Wait, hippos look like... Are these like different kinds of hippos? Because the big ones look really gross. That's what I'm saying, bro. I watched a video of them and I was like, wait, I don't think I've ever actually looked at a fucking hippo before. Like...

They're cute. But hell no. When they open that goddamn mouth and eat the fucking melons. I think they're terrifying. I only know what a hippo looks like in extreme detail because in Ace Ventura Pet Adventures when Jim Carrey comes out of a hippo's ass. Yeah. So that's why I know what a hippo looks like. Wasn't he like inside of a rhino that got fucked? Oh, it's a rhino. I'm thinking of a rhino, not a hippo. I think it is a rhino. Wait, was...

Maybe I'm making that up. But there's... No, no, no, no. There's like this different like fucking Scandinavian show with a clip of like someone hiding inside of like a rhino or an elephant. Like an animatronic elephant. And then like they... It's really gnarly. Like super graphic. But like the elephant comes up and starts like fucking the animatronic elephant. And there's like footage inside. It's all fake though. Oh. But you can see like the giant elephant penis. Oh. Period. Okay. Okay.

What Rick and Morty did for vape shops... Wait, hold on. The fact that you have to read this song. What Rick and Morty did for vape shops is what I imagine the Beatles did for music. Like, when people say... When people say the Beatles changed everything, like...

Rick and Morty changed everything for these goddamn vape shops. Yeah, they really did. Made them billions. I don't understand the legality of it, though. Like, I guess it's not legal, but it's just so much that, like, what is... What are they gonna do? It's also free promo at that point. Yeah, true. But, like, why...

Do they even do drugs like that in Rick and Morty? Why did it become so stoner affiliated? Is it just because it was a stoner show to watch? Yes, it's just the thoughts that are had are very stoner coded. What if we had a portal and alien- And we went to butt planet. Yes, exactly. That's what Rick and Morty is to me. It's like, oh, I got shot into butt planet with boobs. That's literally a misfrazzle. Wait, actually, let's have that conversation-

Magic School Bus being the original Rick and Morty. Girl, it doesn't fucking matter. You knew exactly what I was referencing and talking about. You knew exactly. Exactly. Yeah, the pandemic of Rick and Morty, I feel, is coming to an end, thankfully, but I'm going to miss it. Well, it's going to be the replacement for that, though.

Smiling friends. I don't think so. Maybe actually. Give them two more seasons and it'll be like. Yeah, because it took Rick and Morty a minute to infiltrate the vape shops. So they just need a little time. It took them three years.

I feel like if... It was six years before I saw him on Backpacks in School. I feel like if we were back in time and this show was still a thing, it would have been big in the vape shops and it's Happy Tree Friends. Oh, yeah. That would have been crazy for the vape shop community. Do you know what that is? Yeah. But I feel like that it's so... It's like so gnarly to have like a beheaded teddy bear on a vape. That's more of like a Zoomies are a hot topic thing. Yeah, you're right. Were they in Zoomy?

I think so. I think there was merch of that everywhere. I would imagine. Was there a merge? Cause that shit was pretty gnarly. I remember watching it. It was literally the worst thing we could have ever done to our brains when we were watching when I was like 13, 35 and being like, no, it wasn't 35. I was 13 and there was merch scared the fuck out of me. It was horrible. I remember there was like my life before, like, like one of my, like, uh,

or one of my friends older brother showed me that and there's my life it's always the older fucking brothers like I have a visceral memory of like the face of like I think it's the squirrel character peeling off and it's like all the muscles and the eye and connective tissue and shit and

Dude, my dad was dating this woman with like teenage kids and cousins and they would show it to me all the time. And I was like nine years old and I had to act like I liked it because I wanted to be cool. And they would show it to me on like a computer. That's funny.

And I would just like really try not to watch and they'd be like, why are you being a pussy? Just watch it. And I was like, yeah, seriously, we should watch something else. That's the same family who showed me the Bloody Mary Universal Horror Nights commercial that scared the fuck out of me and I thought I was going to die. And I had a big mirror in my room and I couldn't sleep that night and I went to go tell my dad and he was like, who the fuck is Bloody Mary? Go to bed. And I was like, oh.

And I wanted to take the mirror off the wall, but I was like too tiny to do it. But yeah, they did have big things coming, y'all. By the way, big things are coming. Like the bigger, like something is coming. Don't say that. It's actually like big. It's actually happening now. Like something big is going to happen soon. The thing is, I wait, I don't remember if I said this on the last episode. I don't remember when this happened. Did the earthquake happen before or after the last episode? I don't know. I think we talked about it. Whatever. I fucking hate you guys.

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Well, Josiah got a colonoscopy and people actually showed up. I was just about to bring that up. The colonoscopy, Josiah's colonoscopy meetup was a wild fucking success. It was amazing meeting all of y'all out there.

Anytime I see like photos or video of it, it's actually the, it makes me cry laughing thinking about that actually happening and people actually being down for the vibe and jokes. People skip like fucking college. Yeah. They're called out of work. Also,

Also, just like the idea of like y'all sitting in the like little courtyard that was across from the hospital he was going to get done at and me and Drew walking in. Like it felt like we were actually going to visit a friend who was in the ICU or something serious. And there were like fans outside like wishing a fast recovery. And we were inside just cracking up. So we were like, I cannot believe this motherfucker actually posted the address and people actually showed up to...

a surgery that is not really a surgery he's just getting his fucking butt looked at like that shit got probed down i still like didn't really understand what a colonoscopy was before that because i always thought a colonoscopy was when they like put the tube up your butt and shoot water through it and empty out your colonic colonic colonic sounds like a an alcohol yeah i would love to drink a colonic like um i'll have a colonic on the rock

please thank you you can get a coffee enema too I want a colonic no egg white make sure you use decaf coffee for your coffee enemas is that a thing? yep it's a thing coffee enemas are a thing wait wait what is an enema is that just like a douche it's essentially a colonic but with coffee

I don't understand why. Is that like medically safe or? I don't think it's medically recommended, but like people do it. Is it to get like boof it? I don't even know if they do it with caffeine. I think it's really just to clean out their fucking colon.

You can do that at home? Yeah. People, they like sell systems for it. When I was really, really down bad in high school and like looking for any fucking solution to like get the shit that's like lodged in my fucking colon out of my ass, I was doing so much research on like enemas and suppositories and laxatives. Your body has been a failure from the beginning. Exactly. Fuck you. Sorry. No, I'm kidding. Magnesium citrate, y'all.

That's the one. A bottle or two of magnesium citrate will have you right. The only time I've ever drank fucking magnesium citrate is when I was in Miami and I was so fucking constipated. So I called Drew and I was like, what do you drink? He was like, magnesium citrate. I went to Walmart. I got it. This was in like the right before the New Year's of 2021 or 2022.

Bitch, I fucking drank that shit. I went to bed. I was sharing an Airbnb with my friends in Miami. I went to bed. I woke up two hours later and it felt like I was like hungover. Like, you know, when you wake up in the middle of the night after drinking a lot and you just feel like dehydrated and shitty and like nauseous. I woke up like that. I went into the... I don't get hungover. Yeah, because you black out and you like barely wake up. Yeah. And I'm a good fucking vibe. Yeah.

i have a time um but i woke up in the middle of night fully dehydrated and thought i was dying went in the bathroom blew fucking water out my butt and then had to shower because i was so nauseous and dehydrated and i felt so sick i had a gnarly headache woke up the next day and i tested for positive for covid yeah and so i'm like convinced magnesium citrate gave me covid thought it gave her covid i was like girl well the gestation period before

You already had COVID. Literally right before I took it, I had taken a test for COVID and I tested negative. So within the hours of taking that, I think it like jump-drived, crashing my immune system and I had COVID and it destroyed my New Year's that year and it was really sad for me and I spent New Year's alone, not even with my family or my friends. Aww. Well... My back hurts so bad. After Josiah's colonoscopy, we went to the mall and...

And the mall, I think really like for 2025, the mall is going to be in a very big way. Like it was so much fucking... Yeah, the mall is fun as fuck, y'all. Like you can see stuff in real life. You don't have to look at it on your iPhone. Yeah, it was such a fucking vibe. Like you didn't have to like...

worry about certain things not fitting you got to see the pieces in person you got to interact with people um it was just really good energy and it was really good vibes and i'm really excited to go back during the christmas time to see all the people like rushing to get gifts and like see all the christmas decorations it's going to be like a wholesome cozy cold vibe um

Malls are in y'all like I'm trend predicting malls because they like kind of fell the fuck off I know we need to get back to like kids going to malls and hanging out like that should be like the peak experience But I feel like there are still kids who like yeah, they're still there still has to be more rats Oh my god be like being a teenager and going to the mall with your family was so embarrassing because you had such a high chance of seeing other kids who weren't there with your family Piss me off also

I need to thank my mother publicly for driving and my friends' moms for driving me and my friends like an hour and 30 minutes to the closest mall to drop us off to just sit in the fucking parking lot and then pick us back up and drive us back home after like four hours of roaming around. That is dedication to a craft. That is, we need more people like that in this world.

Also, if everybody had my brain chemistry. Yes. If everyone had my brain chemistry and thought the way that I thought, this world would be a very special place. That is actually a lie. We would all kill ourselves. We would eradicate the population. Like everybody would self combust. Like you're crazy. You just went on a tangent about how you think like the demons are leaving and there's like a big spiritual like thing happening in the public eye because of the demons. There is. There fully is. Like,

Like, I genuinely believe that. Just go back and y'all you'll notice how fucking creepy and weird it is. Did he would not shut the fuck up the whole time we were watching the VMAs. I was like, can you shut up? He was like, look, there's more. There's more. There's more. There's more crosses. Look, even in that performance, she had crosses on her. Like, what is this bitch? It's Chrome Hearts. Yeah. He was wearing a Chrome Hearts outfit. It's basically Chrome Hearts. But I'm going to get a cross tattoo, I think. Just have a story. Are you serious? Just have a story.

What would the story be? Like, are you religious? Not really. I just think, like, the cross is coming. Like, it's meaningful. Like, the symbol itself is fire and, like, what it means. But, like, eww. It's so simple. Eww. It's like this people behind it. Eww. Yuck. Also, I just grew up hella religious. So, it was, like, kind of a vibe. I didn't grow up.

religious at all other than like being forced to partake in some jehovah's witness activities i got confirmed what does that mean like i made i got baptized when i was like an infant and then at the age of like 13 and 14 i made a conscious decision decision decision decision decision fuck decision decision yeah yeah decision to

the church as an adult. So I went to like every Sunday and Wednesday, I would go to like

at the church. Sunday and Wednesday, like, damn, you want to get to heaven really fucking bad. Yeah, no, I locked in my spot. Fully, I locked in my spot. Like, I was thinking very quickly. You did pre-order. Yeah, no, I was literally like, okay, if I do this, like, I have a solid chance of getting into heaven. Like, even if I, like, fall out of love with God later in my life. And then, like, the day before we got confirmed, we were having, like, a class and someone brought up gay. And, like, the teacher, like, went on this, like,

long, gnarly-winded conversation, like anti-homosexual rhetoric. So me and Madeline walked out. But we went back and got confirmed anyways. But we did not stand for that shit in the moment. We were like, girl, fuck y'all. You're fucking weird. Oh, it's peace and love. It's peace and love and love everybody. Love everybody. Suck my dick in my balls. Literally. Period. Well,

I did a good job of not interrupting you, but by doing that, I don't remember what I was going to say. And I was really trying to do a good job of listening and remembering what I was going to say, but that's just not going to happen. It's gone forever. It's all good. Everything is going to be okay.

Fuck, I was going to say something about religion and I forgot. Oh, is it too late to get baptized? I could get baptized right now. Yeah, you can do that at any point in your life. I want to get baptized just to be like, oh, that was pre-baptism. Yeah. Like that was there's pre and post baptism. And that was pre-baptism. That's kind. Like, like, yeah, I support. I literally support it.

I support. But I would want like a cunty baptism. Like I'd want to go like up to Big Sur and like go get baptized in the river. Yeah, you can do that. Like that. They probably have like a church group up there that does that.

No, in Mixer, I feel like it would be more like Colty. I got baptized in this nasty fucking gross tub that was just stagnant water behind the stage constantly. I bet people would piss in there. It was always full of water, so that water was full of fucking brain-eating amoebas and shit. Oh my God, imagine getting baptized in a lake because they do that shit all the time, and you get an amoeba a month later.

You'd probably be happy even. You'd be like, oh my God, God took over my mind and I feel so... It was my story. It was my story. It was meant to be. I just remembered that they taught us how to swim growing up in Miami. They taught us how to swim when we were in pre-K, kindergarten at my school. It's like the law in some places. Yeah, I think it's a law in Florida. You have to teach the kids how to swim. But also, I don't know if they did this with my younger siblings, but they're also like 10 years older.

than me, so I don't know. But the swimming pool was an above-ground pool literally in...

in the like pipe room like it was in this scary fucking dungeon room it was underground school no it wasn't underground it was like where all the water heaters and stuff for the school was it was like really weird and i just remember this room so vividly and it was like so dark and dingy and kind of orange and i just remember having to go get in the pool with all my classmates and like swim circles and giving us life vests and stuff but it was the weirdest experience ever and i don't know if they do that anymore like

I want to look that up. They definitely do that shit. Sometimes, y'all, I'm in bed. I'll just be laying in bed. Like, I had a really good day. I'm, like, feeling great. And then I start descending into madness. Like, and the thought that always comes to my head is, what if I'm not in my bed right now? Like, what if I'm actually in the middle of the street? Yeah, Drew was saying that to me the other night. He was like, do you ever get that feeling? I was like, no. No.

And then we just sat there in silence. It's because I'm a shifter. No, it's because you're schizophrenic. Yeah, no, I like... Yeah, it's freaky. It freaks me the fuck out sometimes. And even thinking about it right now, I'm like, wait, am I actually here? Well, I keep having scary dreams, so I don't know what that's about. That's your SSRI, pumping all the demonic energy out of your body. Flooding my brain with demons before I go to bed. Demons!

You know what song I'm talking about? No. Oh, oh, Ash Nico? I think so. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Wait, wait, wait. Now I need to find it. It's like a Spanish song. Oh, never mind. Or Portuguese or some shit. I thought you were singing this song. No, but this song is so fucking funny. I'm crazy, but you like that. Little angel on my head said...

I really don't have anything else to say if I'm being honest. So one of the reasons our friend group is so tight-knit and close and has survived all of the many years together is because none of us fuck each other. No, no, y'all are incestuous and you're all fucking each other in your friend groups. That's bad. Actually, it's not bad. You can do whatever the fuck you want. But if you want a long lasting relationship with your friends, don't go around banging all of them.

Slags? Like, damn. Oh my god. Total fucking slag. Your total fucking slag. Or fucking this denim fucking...

Fucking broke my arm. Also, like, fun groups need to watch Naked Attraction. That's what really keeps you together is watching Naked Attraction. That's, like, the best show ever. I love that show. It's so fucking funny, which makes me feel fucked up because I'm just literally laughing at naked people, but also, like, it's just so funny. It's really the only place in the world you can go to see, like, the average human body. Like, really see, like, what a real human looks like because, like...

All the fucking porn is contrived. It's like the hottest people, like biggest dick and balls. Even like IT and TikTok, it's like you're seeing the hottest people on the planet. Yeah, but on Naked Attraction, it is what we actually look like. And it's just so funny to just make fun of like the way some vaginas look and some penises.

It's fun. Y'all should try it out. Dude, yeah. Every time there's a man on the screen, it really freaks me out. I hate the close-ups of the penises. When you can see the fucking chicken goosebumps on the balls.

Also, a dude. Like the fucking incision seam that's on Paul's. I hate Paul's. You know that was supposed to be a vagina? Yeah. The seam. Like it was supposed to grow into a vagina. Or the other way around. It's sealed up. Because we're all girls first, right? Yeah. Yeah. Jesus made women with his rib. Okay, I think that's cool. Ripped it out of his body. Well, my media of the week is...

-Oh my God, I'm on the last season of Girls. I have five episodes left. I think I'm going to finish it today. -Banger-- Oh, I broke this at some point. I don't remember doing that.

But you were saying that the finales have gotten really good. Yeah, the like season finales of those episodes become so intense and good. And oh my God, it's just such a good show. I love that show. It's so funny. Dude, I actually unironically can't pull this off the way I was able to because this fucking hurts when I use my pointer finger. Can you just like rip that off? Oh, thank you, baby.

Oh, thank you, baby. I'm finishing, girls. That's my media of the week. And my song media of the week is Freeman in Paris by Joni Mitchell. Work to do, the Isley Brothers. We gotta get you a woman, Todd Rundgren. And your mama's stinky pussy in my butt. Mine is Square Heart. It's a bunch of random fucking numbers that I'm not gonna read. Just look up Square Heart. And then Usuria...

Parentheses Psychosis by Edward Skeletrix. Very bullish on Edward Skeletrix. Up next for real, I think he's pushing the medium and the craft further than anybody in the world right now. That's what people say about me. Hot topic. Hunter Hunter. Go watch Hunter Hunter. It is perfect. Down to the last minute detail. Down to the last minute detail.

I like this mood you're in today. Yeah, like mania. You're like in a carrying mood. You're going to carry me through this day. Yeah, no, I'm going to get you. No, but just wait. We're going to go to the gym and it's going to destroy your life. I was going to say, just wait. I will come. The crash that's coming is going to be awful. I will crash like crazy very quickly and I will experience anhedonia unlike anything. This is the first time we aren't like synced.

Like we're not absorbing each other's energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Aw. Yeah, we're drifting apart. I don't want to be friends with you anymore. I don't want to be friends with you anymore. We really are Elijah and Hannah. Like the more I watch it, I'm like this is literally me and Drew's future because all we talk about is I'm like...

oh somebody i'm gonna date thinks i'm gonna fucking live with them hell the fuck no i don't believe in marriage i don't believe in living with a partner that shit's fucking crazy get the fuck away from me i'm gonna live with drew forever and then watching that show i'm like oh my god this is you can do it you really can do it okay okay we're done bye