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After 30 gigabytes, customers may experience slower speeds. Customers will pay $25 a month as long as they remain active on the Boost Unlimited plan. Hi, I'm Raj Punjabi from HuffPost. And I'm Noah Michelson, also from HuffPost. And we're the hosts of Am I Doing It Wrong? A new podcast that explores the all-too-human anxieties we have about trying to get our lives right. Each week on the podcast, Raj and I pick a new topic that we want to understand better and bring a guest expert on to talk us through how to get it right.
And we're talking like legit, credible experts. Doctors, PhDs, all around superheroes. From HuffPost and Acast Studios, check out Am I Doing It Wrong? wherever you get your podcasts. Explaining football to the friend who's just there for the nachos? Hard.
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Shop in-store or online today. Hi everyone, Alex here to pep you up with big cable-knit jumper energy. Now some of you might not know this, but after a long, hard day of brutally murdering your favourite characters, there's nothing I like more than sitting down in a big, comfy armchair and enjoying a nice hot cup of fluffy-wuffy uwu nonsense juice.
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Already taken. Yeah, well, tough. So sit your vibes down and get drinking already. IPAs aren't hipster, Colin. They sell them in Tesco.
Almost thought you weren't gonna show. I miss the chance of seeing you moaning into your pint. Never. It's a better listener than you. True, but it hardly ever calls you a sour old wanker with no taste in women or drink. Harsh, but fair. Speaking of... Merry divorce! And a happy piss-off. What is it now? Three years? Four and twelve. Still living the bachelor dream. What, dying alone?
That's the plan. Is your next of kin still that hard drive where you keep all of your porn? Ah, you think it's just the one?
Poor naive Alice, so young, so foolish in the ways of love. Speaking of... And there it is. Go on then, take your shots at poor little Alice. It's been, what, a month now? About that. I still can't believe you got him the job. After everything you said. Hey, moaning about exes on divorcemas is just what you do. He's actually a good guy who just needed to catch a break. Sure, sure. Must be hard for you though.
All those unfamiliar human feelings bubble into the surface. Eww! Are you trying to upset me? A'ight. Then up your game, Becca, because I'm a stone-cold emotional fortress. Oh, good. Then you probably won't have a problem with what's lurking behind you. What? Alice! Colin! Oh, God. Alice, what is Sam doing here? I... er... Hey! Am I early?
No. Did Alice invite you? Uh, yeah. She said you were having a divorce party, which I assumed was just her way of saying a bit of a booze-up, so... You see, Alice, this is what happens when everything that comes out your mouth is a sarcastic joke. People get confused. Oh. Listen, if I'm intruding, I can... You're here now. What are you drinking? Uh, IPA. Thanks.
Alice? Okay, so Colin's been divorced a couple of times, and as part of some bizarre cosmic joke, both of them ended up being finalised on the same day of the year. So he and I, we've kind of got this little tradition now, we're on that day today, we get together, get pissed and, uh... And? And bitch about our exes. Oh.
Oh, I should go. Too late for that. Colin's already gone to get you a drink. You duck out now and you're as good as dead. Sure, but... I wouldn't worry. He loves to see me squirm, so I'm sure he'll have a great time. Here you go. Thanks. Drink it. Uh, okay.
Well, go on then. Sorry? I think what Colin is trying to say is that as the newest member of this particular bitchy subcommittee, you have to spill on your exes. Um, okay.
So, uh, there was this girl. I'm right here. Hey, I'll have you know I have plenty of exes. What? Like actual humans? Get on with that. Right, yeah, sorry. So, her name was Kelly, and she worked at my old office in HR. Red flag? Did she make you sign a form? She was nice. That's not what I asked. She may have needed us to declare a potential conflict of interest, but...
But that wasn't why we split up. Christ, what was the reason then? Oh, it just didn't work out. Right. Listen, Sam. If you're going to hang with the mean girls, you're going to have to do better than that. What sucked about her? What obnoxious habit did she have? What drove you up the wall and made you want to gnaw your arm off? Oh, I don't know. Ugh.
Oh, actually, she had this weird thing where when she laughed, her tongue came like all the way out of her mouth. It was so weird. I can't really do it. It was like... That's not what we're talking about. Ew, right? And she was into old black and white comedies. You know, Laurel and Hardy, the Marx Brothers, that kind of thing. I mean, that's annoying, sure, but it's not really... No, I mean, she was really into them. As in, every date was around her place, watching old movies, and every time we ended up
I'm sure you looked very fetching dressed up as Charlie Chaplin in stockings and handcuffs. What? No, it was nothing like that. Although, she did ask me if I smoked cigars and seemed a bit disappointed when I said no. Oh, Sam. My poor little oblivious baby shrimp. I'm telling you, it wasn't like that. We were just talking about... Oh my God. What? She bought me a bowler hat. What?
I'm sorry? What do you mean she bought you a bowler hat? It was a gift. She said she thought I'd look good in it. I bet she did. Amazing. It's not like I wore it out on the street or anything. Just once or twice when...
Oh, Sam. I know you think you want normal, but I think it's pretty obvious that deep down you only go for the truly depraved and bizarre. Sounds about right. Damn skippy. Well, what about you then, huh? I'm guessing it was non-stop horror stories when I wasn't on the scene. Mate, you have no idea. You are a well-adjusted genius alpha male heartthrob compared to what Alice has been dating. I'm not that bad.
Oh no? So you'd be happy to hang out with Amy again then? Look, say what you like about Amy. Alright, I will. She was a psycho who got you mixed up with your own brother and then stabbed him for being an imposter. I'm sorry, what? Okay, Colin is exaggerating. She barely broke the skin and in her defence, she was very high at the time.
Jesus. Obviously we broke up after. Yeah, a month after. A month? Jesus, Alice. As I was trying to say earlier, say what you like about Amy, but she was a fabulous lay. My theory is Alice can only get off with people who are properly batshit, you know? Like...
Oh, God, what was his name? Ignatius. That was it. Bloody Ignatius. The man who was being hunted for the secret to cold fusion. Okay, in my defence, he didn't tell me that until the second day. Sure, because he was too busy on your first day explaining how he might need to go off-grid because he was being pursued by... What was it he said?
Despicable agents of numerous foreign powers. And there was a second date. He could have been a sexy super spy. I mean, I don't know how super he could be if he told you that on the first date. Oh, stick it up your bowler heart. You have no idea how bad it is out there for a trans woman with basic standards. Aye, so if I meet one, she'll have my sympathies. LAUGHTER
You're up, Becca. Oh yeah! This is your divorce party or whatever, isn't it? So go on then, weirdest hookup. I don't do hookups. I mostly just hate people, marry them, then divorce them. Speaking of, you're about due to drop down on one knee again, aren't you?
I'd watch out if I were you, Sam. If I'm on my knees near any of you lot, it'll be because I'm finally rigging the entire place to blow with you inside it. Charming. Alright then, how about the first marriage? What happened there? He cheated on me with my manager. Had been for a while. Shit. Right, sure, tragic. Terrible breach of trust and all that blah blah blah.
But that's not the real reason, is it, Colin? Alice, come on, you don't need to... Colin? Um... I might have been sort of maybe looking to break off anyway for a while. Oh, yeah? Because...
Because he was turning into a crypto bro. I'm sorry, what? Oh yeah, yeah, laugh it up. You try living with someone when they fill the flat with bloody graphics cards running non-stop. He never put towards the energy bill, and every conversation was just another lecture on bloody blockchain or blobcoin or whatever the latest bullshit doing the rounds on Reddit was. That does sound a lot. Yeah, so when I caught him messing around with Clive, I dropped his crypto wallet in the bog, took a dump,
Then flushed Last time I checked That shit would be worth about 1.2 million now Jesus Christ Yeah And that Sam Is why we celebrate this most holy of days To drink, moan and remind ourselves That it's absolutely the right decision To die bitter and alone There's plenty more fish in the sea And they're all covered in their own shite
Hmm. Well, I don't know if I'm quite at your level yet. Still got the heart of a romantic, I guess. Oh, we'll cut that out of you and burn it on the altar as a sacrifice to the gods of messy breakups. I see. And would the high priests of Heartbreak accept a pair of pints as sacrifice instead? I suppose they could be convinced to lightly amend our dread litany. Just as long as there isn't any of that IPA piss. Of course, Your Holiness.
I expect a full report on him next year after you wreck your life reopening that particular scrawny can of worms. Bite me. No thanks. Vegetarian, remember? Then go suck a carrot or something. I wish I could, Alice. I really do.
The Magnus Protocol is a podcast distributed by Rusty Quill and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Sharealike 4.0 international license. The series is created by Jonathan Sims and Alexander J. Newell and directed by Alexander J. Newell.
This episode was written by Jonathan Sims and edited with additional materials by Alexander J. Newell, with vocal edits by Nico Vitesi, soundscaping by Tessa Vroom, and mastering by Catherine Rinella. It featured Billy Hindle as Alice Dyer, Shahan Hamza as Samar Makaalid, and Ryan Hope Veer Anderson as Colin Becker.
The Magnus Protocol is produced by April Sumner, with executive producers Alexander J. Newell, Danny McDonough, Lynn C., and Samantha F.G. Hamilton, with associate producers Jordan L. Hawke, Taylor Michaels, Nicole Perlman, Cetius DeRaven, and Megan Nice.
To subscribe, view associated materials, or join our Patreon, visit RustyQuill.com. Rate and review us online, tweet us at TheRustyQuill, visit us on Facebook, or email us via mail at RustyQuill.com. Yum!
Hi, I'm Raj Punjabi from HuffPost. And I'm Noah Michelson, also from HuffPost. And we're the hosts of Am I Doing It Wrong? A new podcast that explores the all too human anxieties we have about trying to get our lives right. Each week on the podcast, Raj and I pick a new topic that we want to understand better and bring a guest expert on to talk us through how to get it right.
And we're talking like legit, credible experts. Doctors, PhDs, all around superheroes. From HuffPost and Acast Studios, check out Am I Doing It Wrong? wherever you get your podcasts. Your time and expertise are valuable. Making focus one of the most important resources to have at work.
These days, professionals spend nearly half the work week on written communication, and it can be difficult to stay on task with all the emails and documents you have to get through. With Grammarly as your AI writing partner, you can stay focused and quickly get through your work with relevant real-time suggestions wherever you write. It works across 500,000 apps and websites, so it can help with everything from brainstorming presentation ideas to sounding more confident and persuasive in emails and reports.
For 15 years, Grammarly has offered best-in-class communication support and enterprise-grade security on a business model that doesn't sell your data. 93% of professionals report that Grammarly helps them get more work done. Download Grammarly for free at grammarly.com slash podcast. That's G-R-A-M-M-A-R-L-Y dot com slash podcast.
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Visit HighFiveCasino.com. High Five Casino. No purchase necessary. Void where prohibited by law. Must be 21 years or older. Terms and conditions apply.
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