The Lost Tapes, Tape 1 - Are You Scared?
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I'm Ryan Bergara, and this is Are You Scared?

A show where I tell my friend Shane Madej the internet's scariest stories. Today we're actually going to be doing things a little bit different for Are You Scared? because our submission, while normally from online, has actually come to us in the form of a little envelope. - A mysterious package. - A mysterious package which has obviously seen better days. It says "To Watcher" on the front and it has a British postage.

weirdly enough. There's also a big R logo here. Not sure what that's all about. Shall we see what's inside? If we dare. All right, let's take a look. I love this kind of style of logo. - Do you get these sort of packages often? It's burnt. - Yeah, well normally I just kind of open them at home. - Yeah. - But this is the first one I've opened on camera. Smells weird. - It's like Christmas. - We got one, two, three tapes. Let's get these out and let me pull. Oh shit. And it looks like there's some burnt scraps of paper that explains the burnt smell. Huh.

Well, let's get that out of there. That's a genuine cassette tape. Looks like this tape says one. This tape says two. Listen last. Should we listen first? No, no, no, no. Let's listen. We want a good voice. We're not going to Tarantino it. We'll listen to the first one. Well, this is exciting. I don't have to hear your voice. Okay. I don't know if I would have worded it that way. We got some tapes from a stranger. Well, how do I open this tape player? How did you do that? I read a button.

Oh, gosh. Okay, this is really exciting. Well, let's hop into it. Are we ready? Lock your doors, turn off the lights, and let's see if we can make it till the end of the night. We can interview them right up to and past their sentencing. All right, all right, all right. Hang on, hang on.

Right, start over. I can't write any more of these down, so I've got the recorder going now. I'm saying if we do enough human interest stories, but focus on people who are most likely to murder, then one is bound to snap and boom, there's our podcast. We follow him. And stop shaking your head. We're looking for potential murderers. Statistically, it's gonna be a him. I meant start over, start over. Never mind. Shh.

This is Adam and Tommy. Hello. We have been trying to come up with a new podcast for... Oh, well, would you look at that. We just crossed over into the 15th hour. We haven't really, have we? You can't tell by the ideas you're pitching. You just suggested we interview random people until we happen upon a future serial killer. I mean, it's how companies find their CEOs.

I like it. Their idea for a true crime podcast is just to interview people hoping that they're interviewing a future serial killer. It's a smart idea.

I think. You think that's a smart idea. Tommy and Adam, they're just like us. We sit down a lot, too, and we go, what's a good idea for a ghost show? Yeah, we don't normally record it, though. We should start recording it. Yeah, because then we could send our tape over back to the UK, put it in an equally dirty envelope. By the way, I'm enjoying just listening with you. It's nice to vibe, huh? Welcome to the vibe zone, brother. I've been living here. We're just vibing in the void together. That's what we're here for.

Were you trying to shake? Oh, what did you want me to do? Like high-five you? Okay, cool, let's get going. Cute. Could you maybe use some of that cleverness to come up with an actual idea? Okay. A podcast that narrates a decomposing body...

Live to time. I imagine the first few hours will be pretty boring. Ah, thought of that. Before the maggots really start writhing, you use that time to tell the story of the corpse. Like, this young woman was hit by a lorry on her way to uni. Isn't it a pity? Do you want us to watch a decomposing student

And you think the sponsors will be okay with that. And now the maggots are moving on to her eyes with Wrigley taking the lead and Bitey close behind. This episode brought to you by the nice, respectable family company, TM.

I'm sure you actually like that podcast idea because you have said many times. It's pretty fascinating, the natural world. Oh, you're talking about how I wouldn't mind to be publicly decomposing. You told me that your plans for burial are to be thrown off a helicopter into a field and let your body rot. I think it's perfectly natural to rot. You don't got to pump me full of chemicals after I die. Well, technically, we're all rotting.

- This is not true. We're not rotting right now. There's no necrosis occurring on your body. - We're decomposing slowly. - We're not. - We're decomposing. - No. - We're aging. Our cells, they're dying. - Yeah, but then they get replaced by other cells. This is not what's happening. - Look at your face. - Look at my face? Look at you. - This is the perfect example, exhibit A. We're slowly dying. Me? It's like, is he getting younger? - You're not. You're certainly not.

This episode brought to you by the nice, respectable family company, TM. We haven't had a respectable sponsor in years. Because you keep pitching completely unhinged ideas. Now please, for the good of the company and our bank accounts, let's come up with something marketable. Aside from Corpsecast, you mean? We have that one recorded. We can move on, knowing that we can always return to these tapes and find that genius again. Good point.

You do actually think these are good ideas, right? I just think maybe we're scraping the bottom of this particular barrel, so to speak. Easy to shoot ideas down, a bit harder to get them to take off. What's that mean? I come up with all the ideas and you just say, no, must be nice to be on the curation side is all. Oh, all right, all right. Caddy? They are right though. It is easier to shoot ideas down. Yeah, take it from me.

Must be nice to be on the curation side is all. All right, all right. What about a scripted podcast? Hold on, you want me to start thinking of a whole other type of podcast at 11pm? We're doing it together. Okay, fine. How about some tea then? I'll get the kettle on and we'll give it a shot. I think I'm good. No, trust me, you're going to love it.

What I would love is if you could come up with a new horror podcast idea so I can start paying rent again. Maybe... God, I don't know. Looking into crimes that are not solved. That can't have been done. If so, certainly not well. Hey, you watch it.

- Shots fired from across the park. - Yeah, dude, what the hell is going on here? - Clear dig at us. - Do you think we're dealing with sort of a Leopold and Loeb situation here? Are these guys gonna start making their own crimes to report on? Do we trust the English? - Like what we're doing over in Ghost Files, making ghosts from scratch. - Yes, you murder people. - I don't do that, I never said that. - The reaping, he calls it. - I said I make ghosts from scratch. - Uh-huh. - Here we are. - Cheers.

To clever ideas. Cheers to that. Speaking of, come up with any knockouts while I was gone? No. What tea is this? It's very... Great. I was going to say earthy. Oh, so you're a tea critic too, I see. Not stopping you from drinking it though, is it? I can appreciate dirt tea every now and again. Now...

What's going on with the tea? Oh, that's what you... Yeah, let's go. Let's find out what's going on. No, I'm just curious because he was like, oh, trust me, you'll love this tea. Do you think that the tea...

is infused with like hallucinogenics. Oh, I thought you were going to say is the tea metaphorical. No, no, no. I was thinking that like maybe to generate wild ideas. He's drugging them with some hallucinogenic tea or some psychotropic tea. We should take ayahuasca before we listen to the second tape. I think we should dose you with ayahuasca and lock you in a haunted house. And if you want to see that, no, just let us know and we'll do it. We won't.

Now, scripted podcast ideas. Right. What do you have? Maybe you can get the ball rolling for us. Maybe you can get the ball rolling for us. I'm always rolling the bloody ball. Well, we have different strengths, you and I, so... So it's probably time you use whatever strength you have to roll that ball. Fine. Fine. Alright. Scripted horror podcast. Good start. Maybe one where a guy... Yes? Yes?

has an infestation of ants i'm with you it is pants just right there in his pants yeah and they're controlling his actions like an upside down ratatouille i think we saw different ratatouilles pass what else you have nothing this is hard do these windows open i guess not

What's that guy doing? Who? The guy down there on the pavement, other side of the street. The dancing guy? Yes. Okay. And we're off, baby. Now, here I was wondering, I like... We're off to the races. It's not gonna be two guys talking about ideas the whole time. Now we've got a guy. We have three tapes, too. So we... I would assume they make it at least to the third tape. Yeah. Right?

The dancing guy? Yes, the dancing guy. Oh, he's pissed. Oh, I don't think it's drink. Drugs, maybe? Look at him scratching. Yeah, that does not look comfortable. Awful. Anyway, let's keep working. We were on a roll. Yeah, pity we lost the momentum from the ants idea. At least I came up with one. It's your turn. Hey, I helped. You keep going. This is fun. What about...

Oh, okay. What about a taxi driver who has a photographic memory of all maps but doesn't know how to operate a car? And that's a horror idea? Yeah. This guy's bad at ideas. Yeah, dude. Okay, now I got it. Now I'm thinking of the man outside dancing, scratching. Is it a zombie?

No, I think it's just some dude up to no good, maybe? It always starts though in zombie films, they're always like, "Look at that weird guy. What's he up to?" I don't know. Let's go about our day. Maybe we should go up for a closer look. Then they hear something funny on the radio and they're like, "Huh? What's this?" Or maybe he can get the car going, but he doesn't know how to stop it. No one's made him aware of the brake pedal. How does he pick up customers?

Okay, I'm starting to see how someone poking holes in your story could be frustrating. Yeah, but I'm being serious now. There might be something here. Keep going. He doesn't know how he picks up the customers. Every day, he wakes up already in the process of driving someone. They tell him their story, and it's always a different, awful person. Someone truly despicable.

And then when they finish telling him about themselves, he reveals he can't stop and he just crashes the car, killing them both. Hey, now we're on to... What was that? Jesus, a car just slammed into the building. Must have been going at 70 miles an hour. This is really fun. Taxi cab confessions would be better if...

It always ended with the taxi crashing. But also, yeah, there is a car that's now crashing into the building. So wait, is that in the story that they were pitching that the car crashed? That an actual crash happened? That would be like us pitching a ghost show and then during that, a ghost showed up. And it's like, strong pitch. Yeah.

I have notes. You know, listening to this with you makes me think back, you know, how fun it must have been to gather around the radio. Pictures are always goofy because they're always looking at the radio. Mother and father around the radio. Yeah. Sounds nice. It does sound nice. Now we got TV. What am I? I'm out here watching, you know, Star Trek. It's pretty good. Star Trek is pretty good. I watch it a lot. Anyone hurt? What do you think? Good. Drunk guys, okay? I mean...

Looks like he's passed out. Oh, no, he's alright. Moving his legs. Looks like he's dancing in his sleep. Oh, there's the ambulance. What a hell of a response time. Yeah, the NHS is a miracle. Anyway, back to work. That was kind of weird. Funny. What are the odds of a car crash happening just downstairs from our office moments after I pitch a story about a crashing car? Slim. I'd say slim. Wait!

Is this a story in which they have the power to like manifest things? Like Ruby Sparks! Sure, I don't know who that is. Who's that? It was a film. Oh, okay. It was Zoe Kazan.

- Oh, recent then. - Paul Dano. - Okay. - Yeah. - Yeah, like that film. - Just like Ruby Sparks! - I would just go to town with that. You basically have a magical notebook. How do you test it? Right away. - Well, if we're trying to come up with a hit podcast, then I would just write, "Then they come up with a hit podcast." - That's smart! - Yeah, and then a giant pool of popcorn appears. And at the bottom of the pool of popcorn is a door that leads to another bigger pool of popcorn. - You're a man of simple pleasures. - That's right. - Kinda leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

Let's try a new idea.

He's on a roll, ladies and gentlemen. Corpses. I like it. Uh, corpses that disappear quickly. Convenient. But, like, very quickly. Within a few seconds. Again, fewer dead bodies around sounds less horrible. But what if it's because of bugs? Ah, the answer back. Look, I don't like bugs, right? Few people do. Keep going. Okay, so consumption has gotten so out of control that it reaches a tipping point.

We now make so much rubbish that insects no longer have to compete for resources. I hadn't thought of bugs in competition. Something beautiful there. It's our own fault, you know. This is good. So these bugs are rich. But...

But then their population booms and they get out of control. They start evolving quicker and quicker. So they're able to start planting eggs and maggots into fresher and fresher dead. - Or what if they aren't even dead? - Or they start reproducing in living flesh. Disgusting, I love it. - What would be the scariest bug to get real big? Do you have one in mind? Probably a bee.

- I would go with praying mantis. - Oh yeah, 'cause they dice you up, right? - Praying mantis, he go after ya. Mosquitoes! Mosquito. - Oh, they could, yeah, they'd suck your ass dry. - Mosquito would just like, just needle right through the head, just and just. - Yeah, and turn you into a little Capri Sun.

Disgusting. I love it. Yeah, and that's why as soon as someone dies... Their immune system can't stop all the bug eggs and they all just hatch immediately. Devouring the host. You just wait to explode into a pile of bugs. Traumatising to witness literally makes your skin crawl. Good one. Is this awful tea you made? It's really got the horror juices flowing. Okay, what else? What else? Maybe firemen who...

Firemen who are actually bugs? Our itchy friend's gone. - You may be right. Maybe this drunk guy was patient zero. Is that what you're about to say? It doesn't seem like it, 'cause you're licking your teeth like the fucking Joker right now, so I don't know what you're about to say. - What I was about to say is that I think itchy man exploded into bugs. - Okay, so yeah, he is patient zero then. - Yes, but he's bugs now, 'cause that was their idea. - Oh!

I thought we arrived at the same thing at the same time, but then I looked in your eyes and they were vacant. And I was like, oh, he's not. They weren't vacant. They were a different eye. There's no lights around and nobody's home. Oh!

- Oh, ants in the pants, that's why he was dancing. - That's why he was dancing, ants in the pants. - I got too lost in the sauce when they said ants controlling a person. I was just imagining a bunch of ants in a large trench coat pretending to be a human. - It's because he brought up the ratatouille point that I was like, oh, they're like controlling him like a marionette. But if he literally had ants in his pants. - I never thought about how awful would it actually be to have ants in your pants.

It sounds funny. It sounds all... I don't think it's as funny as we think. ...fun and games until you actually have pants full of ants. Oh, Richie Friend's gone. That's a relief. Where'd he go? I dunno. He's just... not there anymore. Left behind a bit of a mess. What is that? I dunno. Whoa! Are those paramedics? Never seen one throw up before. Must be tough work. Things they must see. Ooh!

Ooh, there's another idea. A paramedic team that becomes so traumatised by the things they've seen that they go mad and turn on one another, but they're both so knowledgeable about how to keep a person alive that they're basically unkillable. Ooh, grisly. Heroes turned monsters. People will love them. Christ, what now? Who's yelling? It's the medics. Oh, my God. Plus...

what's going on these guys got herald and purple crayons they got harold and purple cryo absolutely i don't know why you turned creole there but i love it anyways they did we we called it they they're they're they're making things up and then it's happening outside of their window it's taking them a bit to to get you know to realize it i guess you know what if it was happening to us in real time though we know we're listening to a tape a real thing that happened

- Yes, so we're obviously, and also being the world's greatest detectives. - Detective brains. - Yeah, I mean we'd probably be testing it out a lot quicker than these guys 'cause they're not even having fun with it. - What's the first thing you would test? - I'd be like, big pecs. - You want big pecs? - Huge pecs, like Schwimmer.

His pecs are big. Why do you know that? I just remember on Friends when he would wear sweaters, you know? People would be like, "Are those implants, Schwimmer?" I've never heard that voice. And he was like, "Ugh, implants?" That's a pretty good rot! I've never trotted it out before. That was good! Is the medics over there? Oh my god. What's going on? I don't know. I don't know. Why are the things you're pitching actually happening? I don't know. Holy shit, they're really fighting.

He's picked up a rock. Oh, no! Oh, my God! He just smashed his head open. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. God, tell me I'm seeing things. You're seeing things, and so am I. Did he just melt? Adam, I think those are bugs. There was a body there ten seconds ago, and now he's completely gone. What's happening? I don't know. Why is everything you say coming true? I don't know. I don't want it to be. This can't be happening. This can't be happening. I'm...

Oh, I'm gonna black out. - Okay, did you get that? - I'm gonna black out, yeah, I guess. - Oh, he got it, he got it. Black out. - I'm still trying to figure out is he hallucinating or not? 'Cause we're going through the perspective of the narrator here. I don't like it when I'm not the narrator. I can't control it. - Yeah, you're just in a long for the ride, buddy. - Oh, God. - Now you know how hard it is for me to do this show. I work really hard on this show.

You know? I do. People don't give me enough credit. I say I vibe in the void, but there's a lot of very hard work that I'm doing over here. Now you understand. He doesn't have his hands in his pants. He has his head in his pants. He's jerking himself off. Bit of a hero. Gardner. It's locked? It's an electronic lock, and all the power is off. Yes, it's locked. We have to call someone. We can't be stuck in here with all this weirdness. No signal. No Wi-Fi. Oh, me neither. Adam, I think we're trapped.

That's tape one. Oh boy. Well. I guess you'll have to wait till next time. Tommy and Adam, we're rooting for you boys. That's right. What is your next move here? I mean, kind of... Well, this is, you know, I'm not under the influence of psychotropic tea. That's right. So I don't know if we can trust these boys to make a good decision. A sound decision, yeah. I guess now if you realize that everything you say is coming true, just be like, and then everything was fine. You've been given genie powers.

I don't think you could be trusted with genie power. Why? All of my, well, because you're going to wish for crazy things. I'll do whatever I want. You're not going to stop at big packs. You're going to start doing other crazy shit. I do that thing I always wanted to do.

Mickey Mouse is me instead. I'm on all the Mickey Mouse merch. Disney World is about me. - Mouse Madej? - I'm not a mouse, though, it's just me. For some reason, a long time ago, Walt Disney drew me instead of Mickey Mouse. - Are you wearing the same clothes as Mickey Mouse? - Absolutely. - Just little shorts. - The weird little booty shorts with the buckles in the front? - Yes, sir. - Next time on Are You Scared? Tape two.

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