Yapping Again
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Welcome back to this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. This week, as I'm sure you can imagine, we have a little bit to discuss. This week, I did put out a series on TikTok talking about what my ex-boyfriend... Round of applause, please. ...did to me. My ex-boyfriend kind of publicly violated me...

through the means of using me as a pawn in his PR stunt and also not informing me of his PR stunt, which was to essentially make it look like he's sleeping with another girl who obviously was not me. The number one thing that has caught my eye this week from like

comments was how the fuck is she so calm? Guys, let me tell you, I was not. And I don't know how I've done this so quickly to turn myself around. Actually, I do know. But for the first five days after I found out what was happening and I found out the 1st of July, I literally almost died. Like I was laying in bed going crazy.

And I lay there and I didn't eat and I didn't drink. I didn't even pee. I didn't do anything. Like I just lay there and I sweat like I was in a pile of sweat because I knew I couldn't

say anything because there was no fucking way that you were about to catch me genuinely tweaking online. I knew I had to sit on my fucking hands until I was calm enough to speak and advocate for myself properly and say what I needed to say and say it well and say it calmly and not clearly look like I was going crazy.

And so I knew I just had to sit there and take it for a week. And I also knew, this is something I need you guys to know, I knew the release date for this song. And so I knew that it was coming out on either the 11th or the 12th. He actually told me the 12th, it came out on the 11th, but whatever. I knew the release date and this all happened on the 2nd of July. The 2nd of July was when they were first seen together in public and

And so I knew that was how long I had to get my shit together. I actually didn't want to say anything before they dropped the song because I needed to make sure they were going to drop it. I needed to make sure that this guy thought I was never going to speak and never going to say anything and just sit there and take his shit.

because I wanted him to drop that song and I needed you guys to hear the verse because I did not want to be alone with the knowledge of what was in that verse. And obviously I couldn't like say what it was before the release date because I would have got sued. So I had about 10 days to really...

get it together. So for the first five days, I lay in bed and I didn't move and I didn't eat and I didn't drink. I didn't do fucking anything. On the fifth day, I decided that I would go and get a coffee. Okay, actually, no, here's what happened on the fifth day. I was nearly dead because I hadn't consumed anything like anything. I'd had like a nibble of a brownie and that was it.

and like maybe half a bottle of water over all the days. Like I don't know how I did that. I didn't even know the days had gone by. Like I literally just fucking laid there and I woke up and my heart was beating out my chest. Not in a way that I was scared, in a way that like it's struggling. Like my heart, I was like, I actually think I'm about to fucking die. So I went downstairs and I like, I had these Freddos in my fridge that I had for ages and

and if you're American and you're not lucky enough to know what a Freddo is, they're these little chocolates like this size in the shape of a frog, and they are so fucking good, and I had them, and I cracked open a can of water, and then I chugged it, and I chugged four cans of water in a row, and I ate the entire like five pack of Freddos, and I nearly threw up. I felt so sick, and

and then as like my body absorbed whatever's in that my heart slowed down it took me about an hour of my heart being as if I had just like sprinted for five minutes like I'm not kidding you and it was so like heavy too um it took me about an hour to get rid of it and then my body like regulated itself and I was like I need to get

My birthday is on the 7th of July. And so this is like T-minus two fucking days to my birthday. And I had cancelled all my plans. And people had offered me plans like, do you want to come to the Hamptons? We'll throw you a party. And I was like, no. I was meant to have gone to Saint-Tropez with my friends. And I was going to pay for everyone to come out and have this big birthday party. And I just didn't want to go. I didn't want to see anyone because I didn't want to fucking talk about it. And I knew people were going to ask me about it. And I just didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me.

And like, I just didn't want to face anyone. So I cancelled my birthday plans and I wasn't going to go anywhere.

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And on the 5th, I drove myself to Costa Coffee, which is like, I didn't even know those still existed. But the only drive-thru place near me is a Costa. And I had not showered in like five days. So I couldn't go in anywhere. So I was like, I have to go to the drive-thru. I went to the drive-thru and I got a cappuccino.

And then I sat in the parking lot and I drank it. And because I had basically nothing in my stomach, it hit me like a fucking truck. And I knew that was what I needed. It zapped me back to life. Like I literally woke up like a robot in the movies. And I texted my friend and I was like, what am I going to do? I need a plan. Like I've just died for five days and now I'm back and I need to fix this. And she was like, so glad you asked.

Here is your entire life on a platter. I have thought about this for you for five days. I have planned it for you for five days. Now all you need to do is tweak it and enact it. I never knew about genuine, like...

I've had, I am very lucky in my friendships and I've always had good friendships. This one is creating a whole new level of what love can even look like for me because when I tell you this girl is the sole reason that I am even half as stable as I am right now, she has...

saved my fucking ass like I was I don't think that if I had to be the one by myself to fix this and think up a way to tell people and get up the confidence to tell people and even just get out of my bed that

If it was all just up to me and I was just by myself, there's no way I would have done it. Mind you, this girl is my team. When people talk about my PR team, it's my friend. Like, I'm not kidding you. She has everything you've seen come from me in the last week. It's her. She is the one that empowered me to do it, enabled me to do it and told me to do it. Like, none of this would have happened without her.

And she nurtured my life. Like, she picked up the shamble of what my life was on the 1st of July and said, can I take this? And I was like, have it. I don't care. Like, I was really ready to just delete my social media. And I'll tell you why. I didn't think that there was any way that I could come out of this situation unnoticed.

In a way that helped me. I genuinely believed the second he put me up against her. Because that's essentially what he did because he's a pig. He essentially put me against another woman. And it shouldn't be that way. But everyone knows that that's exactly what's going to happen when you do something like that. I just didn't think that there was anything that I could say. Or any truth that I could give to the internet. That would make them laugh.

care. Like I just I can't even describe it. But like, my biggest fear ever since I got into the relationship with him was always if I ever want to leave the relationship, what will happen? Like I'm going to get bullied? What's gonna like come from it? Like, it's always just been a huge fear of mine. Like what happens when I leave, you know, and he forced my hand because I can't go back to you after that. I can't be seen with you after that. What do I do now? Like,

I either walk away in silence or I make a bunch of noise and risk a lot. And also, I've intentionally never made a lot of noise about anything because I don't like when people talk shit online. And so I've never done it, even in positions where it may have been warranted. Let's not forget, this guy basically dropped a diss track on me. Let Her Go is...

surely a diss track because I never really listened to the lyrics before I was like he he made a song about me and then I listened to it now that I like hate him and I was listening and I was like so anyway um I kind of sat up on the 5th and was like okay I'm not doing this anymore like I need to fix this on the 6th the night before my birthday my friends came to my house dressed like gorillas and they ripped me out my house and then 7th they had a whole day of activities planned for me

And then I went back to their house on the 7th and I haven't left since. And it's currently the 15th of July. And I still have not gone home because I have just needed people and I have not needed to be alone. Like I've really needed people to just constantly tell me like, you're okay. And like, just be there and laugh about it with me because it really can't be that fucking deep.

And let me tell you something, I didn't think what he did was bad until people online told me it was bad. Like I knew it was bad because I knew I was hurt. But I've been with this guy for three years and I do think a lot of my brain is like wired quite badly right now. And it's something I'm gonna have to work on for a while. But like, I didn't know how bad what he actually did was.

I knew it was bad and that's when I made those videos and I posted it but I was very desensitized and just like still in a lot of shock and I just made the videos and then I posted them and the reaction that it got and the things that I saw other girls and the women saying about what he had done and how they would have felt and reacted made me realize oh my fucking god this guy fucked me like

what he did was not minor like it was a huge betrayal personally professionally in every way it could have been and I think for me like the saddest part and not to make this actually emotional because I do want everyone to like just kind of giggle at this because that is what I've been laughing I've laughed probably the hardest and the most I've ever laughed this week of my life but like

I, I, it's hard for me to make this podcast and it was hard for me to make those TikToks because as deranged as it is, I am fresh out of that relationship and it was a nearly three year relationship for me.

And I am still very attached to that guy. I won't go back. And I can promise you that. But it is hard to know that what I'm doing right now is going to make him feel bad. But I have to remember, he does not think that way about me. He was fine to post up with her. He was fine to see me hurt and do it again and again and again and again and again and then laugh about it. And

When I saw, like after I posted my TikTok videos and then I see him post his video and he's like laughing. Actually, they both were. I nearly did something paranormal. But you guys want to know something crazy? So after I posted those videos a couple days later, well, actually it was one day later because it's only been two days. He put up on his story a snippet of a song called

And people thought that it's an apology song because it's obviously fucking about me. And it is him talking about how he wishes he's not the villain and something about his career has lots of women in it. Let me tell you something about this song.

That is not, and this is probably the only thing I can legally say, that is not a new song, okay? I've heard that song before. I used to love that song. It's not released, but that was written months ago. And obviously in the note that he had posted on TikTok, because it's like a sound clip in his notes app, it says like 15th of July, 2024.

Because he's smart and he obviously fucking did that on purpose. I'm just going to need everyone to know that he wrote that song as loving and as sweet as it does sound. Then he did everything we've just seen him do.

Okay, that was before he did all that. He doesn't have remorse. Okay, that is an old song and he's just like promoting it now and I obviously knew that everything that I was gonna post was gonna Like send so much attention to him and send eyes to him and I didn't mind because that's really not I'm not here to like try and ruin his career I really don't care his life is his life. It doesn't affect me if he's successful if he's not whatever and

I just needed to make sure that no one thought that I could ever stand by that. And also he did betray me. And you don't get to do that and run from it. Like you don't get to actually traumatize a person because that is traumatizing. Like to feel that kind of fear, helplessness,

and then be like publicly violated like that is genuinely scary especially when it comes from someone that you do trust and that you do love and then I felt too bad to even speak out against it and I had to have my friends borderline fucking convince me to do it to make any of those videos. I obviously am not cut out to date a rapper. I think it is a treacherous fucking job and

And I did understand when I first started dating him, like, oh, he is a rapper. Like, obviously, there's going to be like certain things. And mind you, we met when his career was a tenth of the size it is today. OK, and so I have we have grown together and I've watched him grow and I've understood the entire time who I'm dating and that.

Obviously, dating a rapper is going to come with certain song lyrics, certain marketing things. There's going to be women around all the time. And that was understood by me very clearly. And I did always say to him, like, if you have to do certain things for marketing, like, I don't know, have a bunch of girls in a car, have a bunch of girls in your video, whatever.

Okay, like I get it. It's, you know, that is absolutely fine. Like, of course, like I'm not going to tell you that you can't do that. That would be actually fucking horrible of me. And it would be. And if I don't want to adhere to that, I don't have to date a rapper. But I understood that. I understood it very clearly, mind you. My thing was always like,

But you have to keep me informed, like, because it is a little bit hurtful. And I can put that hurt aside in the name of something greater for you, in the name of your career. I can put that aside on the condition that we have a strong foundation in our personal relationship, because it's not normal what he's doing. It's hurtful to see your boyfriend with other girls, regardless of the context, regardless of what you know about the situation. OK, it's always going to be hurtful. It's always just going to suck.

But the agreement was just let me know, keep me informed and we can be the most powerful fucking couple. Like it can genuinely be us against the fucking world. All we have to do is be like this. Like that's it. Just communicate. Be my best friend and everything else will fall into place. And he agreed.

took that and he fucking destroyed it it is it was a huge ask and it was a major compromise and I did it anyway and he threw it in my fucking face and then he took a shit on me pookie what the fuck like I genuinely have never been more like what the fuck is that about

This episode is brought to you by Mejuri. You know, I had a thought the other day. Since Rwanda jewelry becomes something we only bought on special occasions, Mejuri approaches fine jewelry a little bit differently. Each one of their pieces is handcrafted by jewelers committed to quality craftsmanship as well as ethical and sustainable jewelry production. Created by women for women, Mejuri is breaking down barriers in what has long been an exclusive and occasional category of men buying for women. In

In 2020, the brand launched the Missouri Empowerment Fund in support of higher education for underrepresented women and non-binary individuals. Because fine jewelry doesn't have to cost the world. Feel good about your jewelry in more ways than one. Start stacking your favorites, shop online or visit the website to find a store near you.

This episode is brought to you by Vitamin Water. So much of what the world is obsessed with starts out in New York City. It's a place full of style and character that has something for everyone. With a range of flavors to meet any kind of taste, it's no wonder Vitamin Water was born there. Colorful, flavorful, anything but boring, Vitamin Water injects a daily dose of vibrancy into a watered-down life. Grab a Vitamin Water today. Vitamin Water is a registered trademark of Glasso.

It's like this story, right? I used to know these people. Actually, they were a friend of a friend. They were in an open relationship, right? And so their agreement was you can fuck anyone you want, but you have to tell me who you fuck. And you have to tell me, like, check with me before about the person. But like, they were both fucking other people, right? So the guy goes out, secretly fucks someone, doesn't tell the girl about it, regardless of that she would have said, yeah, that's fine. Still managed to find a way to cheat on his open relationship.

And it's just like, what is wrong with you? It's like you have this narrative where you have to lie. You have to sneak and you have to betray. And I've given you every genuine opportunity to not have to do that at the expense of myself. And you still fucked up? Crazy work. Next time I date a man, he's not getting any fucking leash.

You are going to be heel. HEEL. Next man I date is gonna know heel. He's gonna know sit. Okay? He's gonna know crate. There's gonna be absolutely zero freedom in that relationship. In matter of fact, I am undateable. Right now, completely undateable. Untouchable. Obviously, I'm fresh out of a breakup, so I'm undateable anyway. But like, every man on earth will pay for his actions. After I posted those videos...

Because I'm actually a normal fucking person. All I wanted to do was like go find him and give him a fucking hug. Because it's horrible. Like no one wants to see someone that they love and trust. Talk about them like that publicly. Also the screenshots. I was pushing my fucking luck there. But like it was funny. But like.

And I know I have this like bad bitch mindset that I'm trying to enforce where I'm like, no, like fuck that guy. Like he did do me like fucking filth. He really did me like filth. And I have every right to do what I just fucking did. And people like that do deserve to have their names a little bit slandered, like cut my pookie. Like you have to understand, like take that on the chin and move on. Like that's all he needs to do. You will be fine. Genuinely go on untouched. You know what I mean?

Like, just take it on the chin and fuck off. But all I wanted to do was, like, go find him and be like, I'm sorry. Like, I didn't want to do that. And I had to check myself and be like, babe, look at all his fucking videos. He's laughing at you. Like, this guy hates you. And here's the thing. I genuinely believe that a man can be in love with someone and fucking hate them at the same fucking time. No, I shouldn't feel bad, but I am actually a human being who...

But I think that's also what makes me so sad is because like how did he not feel that? Like how did he genuinely post what he posted and like make it look the way he made it look and lie to me the way he lied to me and let me see what I had to see and not, how does anyone do that? Like I genuinely don't get it. Like to me what he did is worse than cheating and it's not even that like

I've seen a lot of confusion about what actually happened and what I actually beefed him over. As far as I'm aware, it wasn't that he actually cheated on me. I don't know if he did. I don't know. I'm not even going to speak on that because I have no idea what happened behind those doors. I don't know what they're up to.

What hurt me is that he intentionally, publicly humiliated me. And when I say intentionally, I do of course mean with intention. He could have told me more than 12 hours before because this was planned weeks and months in advance. And even if the date was a last minute thing, the content of the music video was fucking insane.

Like there's actually a clip where there's it's meant to look like she's sucking his dick, right? Also guys, you want to know something fucking hilarious? I got a call from his team after I posted the TikToks and she was like, the girl on the end of the phone was like, you lied. And I panicked. I was like, oh my God, what did I lie about? Like wracking my brain to think maybe I got something wrong. And she was like, he didn't only buy you a tank top from Chrome Hearts. And I burst into laughter.

I said, my bad. He actually, he bought me shorts too. She went, yeah, he did. Pookie, what the fuck? The way I laughed in this woman's face and I actually hate to be disrespectful, but what the fuck are you saying to me right now? What the actual fuck are you saying? And when I, I genuinely shit myself. You lied. Wait, what? When she said that, I was like, if this is the worst thing, if I can post those four videos and this is what you call me about,

I would say I got like an A star. That's all his team could beef me about was the fact that he actually did buy me shorts from Chrome Hearts 2. That is literally the funniest fucking thing. They had me shitting myself. It's like, oh my god, what did I lie about? What did I lie about? He bought you shorts. The support that I received just like from the internet in general after I posted that video, guys...

I could cry just even talking about it because it's been such a fear of mine that people were going to laugh at me because I did let that guy treat me like shit. And there's a very mean side to the internet and people could be like, you're fucking pathetic. Like you actually let him do that. And I did, but I also didn't. Like there were things I knew about and there were things that I want, but I was just always so scared to leave and like have him do essentially what exactly what he fucking did.

And I find it horrible because he kind of forced my hand. He didn't really give me a choice to back away from this peacefully. There was no preparation that would have allowed any narrative to happen that didn't make me a direct conversation when it comes to...

to what just happened like he didn't do anything to prepare it in a way that was clearly like it didn't involve me like we had been seen together in Nigeria like he had posted me on his Instagram like there was nothing to suggest that I wasn't still like a very prominent figure in his life and that we were having like a good healthy relationship like he didn't prepare it in a thoughtful way

And I genuinely think that he did that intentionally because unfortunately, the more conversation that surrounds a thing like that, the bigger it gets and the more money he gets. And it's not so much about like integrity of character or like how good of a person he seems like, because I will be so honest with you, it doesn't fucking matter. They know it doesn't fucking matter. Like,

Why not use me as a... Like, it doesn't matter how people see him. He will continue to succeed. And that's fine. That's his life. It's not mine. And I just think, like, it's crazy. But I am actually so impressed with the way that I have found peace with all of this so quickly. Because there is really something to be said for aging when it comes to inner peace. Because, guys, sometimes you just have to sit back and throw your fucking arms up. Well, what can I do? Well...

That happened. Fuck it. Fuck it. On to the next. Here's the thing. I've had some seriously tragic scenarios happen in my life thus far. Okay, this not even being one of them. And as painful as they have been at the time, they have always led to something that I now would argue I couldn't live without, right? I can't cry about having a lot on my plate when my intention was to eat. You know what I mean? And if he's gonna pull a PR stunt, I will be taking the revenue. Thank you.

And I just think he's probably so fucking shocked. And I think this is the funniest part about all of it. I think he's genuinely sat at home with his fucking jaw on the floor. I genuinely don't think that he thought that anyone would ever give a fuck about something I was going to say. Like, I think that he...

both wanted me to be publicly a little bit embarrassed and like have that conversation going on the sideline of like what's going on because it does benefit him but I also don't think he ever thought or ever bargained on the fact that people could ever give that kind of a fuck about me to the point where they're gonna actually call him out for his shit like I think he just thought I was like a

like an NPC in his plan almost that would never say anything against him. And even if I did, people aren't going to give a fuck. You know, we have these two powerful entities. What fucking chance do I stand? And that's exactly how I saw it too. So imagine my surprise when everyone is like, yeah, fuck that guy.

And let me tell you, when I was clicking on his post and the comments were all just about me, I was giggling. Like I genuinely was like evil laughing. And it's not because I love to see people like get fucked. But like sometimes it does satisfy the soul, you know. There have been countless occasions in my life where people have done me wrong and then they've got to run away from it. People were in my corner.

And as a result of that, he didn't get to run from what he did. And he will eventually outrun this, of course. But for this week, he didn't get to outrun what he did. And let me tell you, the first time I ever ran into a situation where someone got to outrun what they did to me, I was 16. And it was my first relationship. And what they did to me and what they did to my family, I'm not going to get into it. This is something I've never spoke about online and I never will.

But what they did to me and what they did to my family was insane. Okay. And right as they got found out and right as there was kind of this grand finale of like fuckeries in this part of my life, they moved away and they started a new life somewhere else immediately. They never, they never had to see a consequence. And my family went through all the pain of what they had done alone, essentially without them ever having to even see us in pain. They just got to leave.

And that was the first time that happened to me. And the second time that it happened to me was one of my exes when I had broken up with them. And then they essentially lost face, felt embarrassed and they felt guilty because what they had done had hurt me. They made up a bunch of lies and they...

essentially just did like a mini fucking smear campaign on me it was so weird it was so crazy and it was so dramatic because it was like in a small town it was like right in my face and um they never had to see me in pain and they never had to say sorry and none of their friends ever really knew what happened because they didn't really give a fuck and that's completely fair enough but I had to deal with knowing that no one knew the truth and that's why I was so good

This time around, I was just like, I've done this before. I know what this is and I know how to get through this.

I didn't want anything to stop me from living my best life on my trip. So I was like, why not be brave and try Tampax? Before that, I really just thought tampons were for adults, and I definitely thought they'd be uncomfortable. Guess what, y'all? They really aren't. It might take a few tries, but once it's in right, you shouldn't feel it, which is great. For a better way to period, just add Tampax. Now, this time, I actually got to say, this is what this person did to me, and people...

I could actually fucking cry. People saw it and they defended me and they didn't like it and they showed me love. And I didn't need any of those things because I've got through scenarios like this before without any of it. And I trust myself to do that again if I have to. But I didn't have to. And I genuinely like it makes me fucking emotional because it also helped me to see how bad what they actually did to me was because I am emotional.

Right now, unfortunately, at a point in my life where I'm desensitized to it and I don't fully have that kind of self-righteous defense mechanism of like, you don't get to treat me like that. Like I'm still kind of at a point in my life where I'm resisting feeling a lot of anger because I don't want to, because anger can be a very destructive force and it's,

I just know if I really let myself see it for what it is and feel the anger that I probably do need to feel about what he did and why he did it.

I will be a very unhappy person for a period of time. And I just don't need to be that right now. I'm busy. I have money to make. I have videos to post. Like, I have life to live and joy to feel and experiences to be had. And you're only young once. Like, I just don't want to fucking feel it. But seeing people acknowledge it for what it is and feel that anger, like, I just feel like I can go, like, like, I genuinely feel anger.

a such a large sense of relief and just like this is the first time in my life where I haven't had to scream to be heard I just had to say it and one of my biggest fears right now is like this guy is gonna drop a fucking diss track on me but like I said he's already done that before I just didn't know it for some reason let me read you the fucking lyrics actually let me not give him that promo

Anyway, I guess what I really need you guys to fucking know is that that love song, the apology song, please don't be fooled. I keep seeing videos on my free page. If I was mad, I would fold. No, bitch. He wrote that before and then he still did me that dirty. That song already fucking existed and then he still did me like that in public. So, no. I will not be folding anytime soon. Don't panic. Also,

I genuinely find it crazy when people are like, it's a PR stunt, she's in on it. You couldn't fucking pay me. First of all, there is no amount of money you could offer me to...

ever humiliate myself like that and in fact you actually could almost not pay me to have to post this series of videos that i posted i find it embarrassing like i genuinely i think it's cute and i do think it's fun but also i'm like you actually had to make me my man had to make me like go online and be like guys he's done something so embarrassing i have to publicly fucking disown him

Whatever happened to, like, fucking opening doors for women and, like, buying us stuff? Bring that back. I'm having to make a fucking video series online because you embarrassed me so bad that I actually can't have anyone think we're still together? Pookie. Please have some fucking respect. Seriously. Like, what the fuck? And, like, I do actually pride myself. Like, I don't talk shit. I don't know if you guys have ever noticed, but, like, there's...

maybe I'll have to eat my words, but like, I don't think so. Like there is nowhere that you can go on any of my platforms where I'm like actually talking shit about someone. Okay. And this guy made me get on my fucking phone and talk shit. Cause I had to, like, he actually like forced me to play my hand. And also like, I already said this, but like, I,

had to wait like 10 days before I said anything because obviously like I needed him to drop the song and I didn't want him to like change his verse and make me look crazy or like god forbid not even drop the song um because I needed you guys to hear it because it was like the worst lyrics he's ever written like I swear to god when he first played me that song like all those months ago

my jaw was on the fucking floor. I was like, there is actually no way your brain came up with these lyrics. And I was still trying to delude myself by being like, no, like, it's just lyrics. Like, he's not really cheating on you with a guy in his phone. And like...

And then I just like the more I tried to convince myself of it, the more I was like, damn, he definitely is. Also, guys, imagine this. The day after I posted the TikTok videos, I woke up on my period and I had been like completely fine. Like I've been very antsy and very uncomfortable and just like I just wanted the whole thing to be over before I post the videos and like.

I hadn't I did enjoy my birthday but like I was also very heartbroken and just like had that underlying feeling of just like almost being wet like you know when you're just like you know when you're just like ridden with emotion that your skin feels heavy and like I always feel like damp when I'm like extremely hurt then I posted the videos and I wanted to celebrate like okay we did it like

I finally got it out. I got it off my chest. I don't have to feel like I'm going crazy anymore. And people can think what they think, say what they say. Like I had no idea how the conversation was going to go once I posted the videos, but I was like, at least they're out there and I can fucking, it felt like I had finished exams. Like that same relief I had when I finished my A-levels, finished my degree, finished GCSEs, whatever. It was that feeling of like, oh, you know? And that was before I even knew if people were going to hate me, not give a fuck.

love me like I had no idea the conversation was gonna go the way it did and

Not a clue. And I couldn't have even gambled on it. Like, I had no idea. And so I was, like, feeling okay. I just kind of went to bed that night. Like, me and my friends all just, like, crashed into bed. Like, the most exhausted we'd ever been. And the next morning I woke up and I was like, why do I feel worse than I have felt this entire time? And, like, I'm about to cry. And all I wanted to do was listen to Mitski. And I was like, what is happening to me? I should be celebrating. And then I started my period. And I was like...

And I realized that in the stress of my entire week, I had forgot to take my pill once. I hadn't taken it once.

I was like, oh my fucking god, like I genuinely, everything that I have done for myself in the last week, whether it be eat a meal, shower, brush my teeth, do my skincare, stand up and walk around, breathe, has been a conscious choice and a conscious effort that I've had to put in because I just know. And sometimes you can just be in so much pain and just be so confused and so lost and so scared.

And I remember my mum telling me this when I went through a breakup a couple of years ago and I was like crying in my room and she came in and she was like, you know, sometimes you just have to breathe in and out. And that's two breaths that you've done since the event happened. And you just keep breathing. And the more you breathe, the more time will pass and the pain will subside. Like sometimes the only thing you can do is just keep breathing. Just don't fucking die. And things will gradually fall back into place.

And so in the worst moments, I was just literally breathing. I was like, okay, can't do anything else. But I will just inhale and exhale in a very shallow manner until all of this is done. And it worked. Yippee. I genuinely think this is the quickest I've ever gone over a breakup in my fucking life. Not to say I'm like over it. Like I'm still obviously like...

very hurt and I always feel very like maternal towards the people I break up with. Like, I just want to go cuddle them even if I'm hurt. I'm like, no, let me help you. But I've refrained from even doing that this time because I'm like, I have been taught throughout my life in various ways by God, by the universe to have self-control. It's been a very continuous and strict lesson for me to have an abnormal level of restraint and of

regularity and the ability to just like regulate regulate my emotions and if I can give one guess this was why let me tell you I have some serious fucking friends in my life and I've always I've always been very lucky in the friendship department like I do make good friendship choices which is shocking because I make obviously very poor romantic ones but like my friendships are always the polar opposite of my relationships like they are just like

so healthy. Like my friend, she took my life into her own hands. She nurtured it for me for an entire week whilst I cried. And she was ready for me. The second I stood back up, she was ready with a plan. She was ready with love. She was ready with her time, her resources. And there wasn't a single need that I have had in the last two weeks that this friend hasn't met.

And I genuinely mean that. Every morning, she has woken up and she's asked me, what do you need today? What can I do for you? Like, I can't tell you guys that I would actually be doing any of this if it wasn't, I wouldn't be doing any of this if it wasn't for her. I wouldn't be making this podcast. Like, there was a point in the first week before my birthday where I was like,

I am gonna give up. I don't think I stand a chance in hell of ever not being fucking embarrassed about this and of anyone ever thinking that I didn't have something to do with this.

And I'm so humiliated and I'm so hurt and I'm so lost and I'm so scared that I am going to delete my fucking social media accounts and I'm genuinely never going to get them back. And I feel bad because I've had to be kind of selfish this week. I haven't been texting a lot of my friends. I haven't been texting a lot of my other friends.

Because I've been too overwhelmed. Like I just don't want to talk to anyone that doesn't understand what's going on because it is so draining for me to explain it and to get anything but the exact response that I need right now. I'm like, uh,

Because it's just, like, I'm just so drained. Like, I'm the most drained I've ever been in my life. And I know I'm, like, shockingly okay. And it is genuine. I am genuinely okay. But, like, I am drained. And, like, it's not just this one or two weeks of craziness that's drained me. It's been three years, okay? And now I'm, like, finally just, like, on my own. And I'm, like, whoa. And I'm seeing it. And I'm feeling it. And I'm, like...

I need the longest fucking nap. I need like someone to come here and give me a fucking bath. Then I need them to give me a massage but like in my own bed. Then I need them to leave me to sleep for like genuinely 24 fucking hours. Then I need someone to bring me like a healthy meal. Like actually like power foods and like a smoothie. Then I think I need to go sit in the sun for a minute.

And then I probably need like a fucking margarita. And then that'll be my process. I just need that. Like I just need like 48 hours of that. Like I just need someone to genuinely fix my life. Like I just need like my body needs to be cared for. And you guys want to know what's so cute? On my birthday, my friends planned a day of activities for me. And one of the things they did was they took me to the gun range so that I could shoot shit up because I was fucking angry. And then they took me to go to her mom, which is basically like...

um basically they bathe you so they lay you down on this like marble bed and they exfoliate your entire body and then they like lather you up in like butters and they rinse you off and it is the most thorough cleansing and they wash your hair too

And it's literally like being a baby. Like it is, you are bathed. And it's all, it's, first of all, it's amazing. I'm going to get them once a month from now on, I think. But it's like amazing for your body, but it's also very nurturing. And just like, if you are going through it, I highly recommend visiting one because it's just very caring. And it's just like,

it does things for your body in ways we probably don't understand. Like you are meant to be touched. You are meant to be hugged and you're meant to be loved. And when that gets very suddenly stripped from you, your body is shocked. Like you don't know what's happening. Your body does not know what's happening. Your body is a fucking ancient being that doesn't

know what just happened to it, right? Especially like you put it through trauma and it's going to support you and it's going to help you, but it doesn't know. And so you sometimes, even if your brain is in a hundred places, you have to pick yourself up as if you are a baby and treat yourself as such. So my friends booked the gun rage and then they went, sent me straight to her mom afterwards. And it just genuinely like fixed me from deep within because I

they sent me there like I didn't even have to know that I should go there or have that thought to book it like they saw that I was angry and they saw that I needed first of all a really good fucking shower I didn't even have to ask and here's the thing like I have spent three years standing in front of someone and saying these are my morals these are my intentions this is what I stand for this is who I am only to hear back

You're wrong about all of that and now i'm gonna beef you over it And then I met this friend of mine and all I have to do is stand in front of her And she sees everything I am everything I stand for but there is just a level of seeing that I have never really had before in my life of just like She looks at me and she sees me also guys My skin has cleared

In the last week of my life, despite it being the most stressful, my acne has almost completely disappeared and I think we all know why. Okay? Anyways, I think that's really all I have to say on this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. And I don't want to come on here and like trash someone's name and like drop a bunch of crazy tea that I don't have to and like say things that are just like jabs. Like it's not my interest.

What I do want is for people to fully understand and please get it in your fucking heads. This was never a PR stunt on my side. It was a PR stunt on theirs. That's where it gets confusing. Did he cheat on me? I have no idea. He blindsided me and he betrayed me. That is what I do know.

And as far as I am aware, they were a PR stunt. The issue is, was I was his girlfriend. So what the fuck are you doing? Not telling me. And actually, what are you doing doing that in the first place? But also, what are you doing not telling me? The whole thing was fucking weird. I had no idea it was happening. And they did not run it past me. They did not get my consent. They didn't run it past my team. Anyway, what that guy did was fucking crazy, okay? And...

Let's just not forget that he was the one who owed me honesty, transparency, truth, respect, communication, and that regardless of other factors, the bottom line is...

No one else owed me that, okay? And it doesn't mean that other things aren't true or that people can't have their opinions about other things. But he is the only person that I can or will hold accountable for any of this. So with that being said, thank you for watching this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. I am about to fucking pass out. This was the most draining two weeks of my life. And like I genuinely said to my friend,

I wish we had rigged her flat with like big brother style cameras. Because if you guys could see what we have been doing for the past week and a half in that fucking flat, you would actually die. Like we have been laughing hysterically, crying and like spinning in circles. We haven't gone outside. Like if you could see the amount of trash we've produced from back to back to back food orders and just like,

I can't even tell you how hard we have laughed at some of the things that have come up. Thank you for listening to me ramble. Thank you for believing me. Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for...

advocating for me, vouching for me, and thank you for fucking up that man's comment section because I hate when people get to run from the shit they do. And here's to sneaky men not getting away with fucking anything in 2024. We need to instill fear back into men. Seriously. Okay. I love you guys so much. I'll see you next week. Thank you for listening. Bye.