Shownotes Transcript
Hello, everybody. Welcome back to this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. This week, we are going to talk about trusting yourself and intuition because I've had a revelation upon revelation upon revelation this week. I've been reading that
fucking book again, mind you. I know I said, I made a podcast episode on this book, like, I don't know, maybe three months ago now, and I was on like page 60. Right now I'm on like page 110. When I tell you it takes me weeks to get past even three pages of this book, because I have to stop, I have to take notes, I have to fold pages, and I have to literally, I am writing essays on this book. And it genuinely is so exhausting to read, actually, because as good of a read as it is, I am constantly having to stop and evaluate myself. And it is genuinely like, you
one page is enough I have to sit on that page and I have to dwell with it I have to sleep on it I have to ask for dreams about the page it's very exhausting I love it it's genuinely going to fix my entire life I'm pretty sure but this week I'm going to be but the good news is I have some more information for you guys about intuition because this book is changing my entire life if you watch the previous podcast I did when I was first reading this book I talked about bluebeard and it's very it's a pretty basic tale about how a young girl's intuition basically saves her life
from an evil man, okay? The evil man was actually a metaphor for a part of her own psyche that was cruel to her. But the story can also come in the form of literally a predatory man fucking up a young girl's life because it's a tale's oldest time and your intuition plays a big part in that. It works both ways, okay? It's a literal tale and it's also a metaphorical tale. Very interesting. If you want to go back and watch that episode, I'll link it. This week,
when I tell you you're about to have your minds blown. The things that this woman has been saying in this book to me have been insane. I read it on my holiday in Greece. And now if you want to know about the holiday in Greece, I will tell you this. It was very, very nice. I did nothing for seven days. I sat on the beach. I didn't look at my laptop. I barely looked at my phone. I listened to Gracie Abrams cover of Ethel Kane's American Teenager on repeat for seven entire days. The only disappointment I have from the entire holiday, the only complaint that I do have is that I wore SPF 50 on my entire body. I lathered myself up.
every five minutes and I don't have a tan. I have like this much of a tan. I think I look a little bit more healthy. I think a little bit, I think I look more alive. I think life has come back to my face. But other than that, I could be a little bit more tan and I'm kind of sad about it because my gold jewelry just does not look good on me when I'm pale. And I was thinking that I was going to get enough of a tan that my Rolex will finally look good and it doesn't. But anyway, issue for another time. This week we have to have feminine revelations about our psyches. Okay, so we'll talk about my tan another week. Anyways, sit down, shut up.
Mummy's talking. Okay. I, by the way, have the biggest... I usually don't come with notes. This week, I have notes. Okay. Oh, also, a little bit of context for you. This week, I am on a new dose of my medication. They upped my dose. So if I come off actually insane, that's why. Sorry. It's also like 11 a.m., which means it's like really like ramped up right now. Like it is peaking. Okay. Okay.
I took it at 6am. Okay, this is what I wrote in my notes up because I was like, I am not going to word myself the way I want to word myself. Let's go. Trusting yourself and intuition. This is important for your entire life, be it your creative, soul life, work life, relationships. I most often hear people in my age group talk about their instincts, their intuition as a gut feeling. They call it a gut feeling. And I didn't realize until very recently, until I read this book, I didn't realize how much more seriously
significant than that it is and how much deeper it goes. Intuition, it is not just in my gut, it is in my bones, okay? I've realized that it's not just me and my gut, it's me and my entire body and it is a combination of me and every woman who has come before me in my bloodline. It is passed down, it is part of them, it is part of me, it is a gift, okay? One that I have been taught and shown and whatever. I also realized in understanding that that
because it's a gift my mother gave me and her mother gave her and before her and before her, that it is also a gift that I owe to my daughter. And that something like intuition, I will explain this later, is kind of like a muscle. You have to practice it, you have to strengthen it, you have to use it, you have to bond with it. And I'm not doing any of those things. The way my life's going right now, I'm not really that intuitive. I am intuitive. I'm just ignoring it. And
it's weakening that muscle. I don't trust myself. We're going to get into all of this. And I realized if I want to have a daughter one day, that's not going to fly because I'm going to have to give her the best gifts that she can possibly have. And look, I'm not thinking of becoming a mother anytime soon, but I like to think about these things. I wrote that it does not end at a gut instinct or a general feeling of wariness that I can't explain or logically always understand. It is a deep bodily knowing and seeing, and it applies everywhere all of the time. True. And I
took this from the book. It tells you what the matter is and whether to go left or right, to bring the truth from things, to nourish our ideas, to see what there is to see and know what there is to know. All right. ♪
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terrifyingly long podcast episode. Okay.
This idea of setting something aside, ignoring your intuition, ignoring your gut feeling, whatever you want to call it. I know every single woman on this planet, okay, has known I should not do this. This is not right. This person is not right. I should not be here. I should not do this. I should not have this. And they ignore it and they do it anyway. Okay, if you tell me you did not have that experience once in your life,
Please, I will give you my phone number. You can call me. You can tell me exactly what the fuck your life has looked like so that I can exactly replicate it and I can get into your shoes. I am pretty sure, and I would almost put my life on this, that there is no one who can say that they have ever completely pushed aside a gut instinct. Whether that be you don't trust it, you don't believe it, you didn't know what it was, you were naive. Whether that be you didn't want to believe it, whatever it is, you pushed it aside. Everyone does it, okay? It's not just women, but this book is aimed at women. It's not just women, obviously. So...
I now have to explain a story that is in this book, and it's a metaphor. And it's going to make sense. I promise. Bear with me. The story is about a girl who has a mother. The mother dies. Upon the mother's death, she gives the little girl a doll. And she says, you have to always keep this doll with you, and it will guide you through life. So the little girl keeps the doll. Her father remarries, and he then gives the girl a stepmother and two evil stepsisters. Very classic. It's a fairy tale, by the way. The evil stepsisters...
hate this girl. They tell her you have to cook, you have to clean, and they just can't stand her presence because she is more beautiful than them, she is more knowing than them, and she just has this essence about her and they hate it. It's the classic ugly stepsister tale, right? One day, the evil stepsisters and stepmother plot against the little girl to kill her. They say we're gonna send her into the forest to gather fire from the fire keeper, who is this woman that lives in the woods.
They say that when the little girl gets there, the woman who keeps the fire will surely kill her because she is so hard to please. So they ask her, will you go on this venture to the woods and you'll bring us back fire? And the little girl is so eager to please, so wants their approval, so wants their love that she says...
I will go. The doll guides her through the forest for like an entire day of walking. It says, go left, go right, go left, go right. It brings her to the woman's house. When she gets to the woman's house, the woman asks her, what do you come here to ask? And the girl says, I ask for fire. And the woman asks her, why should I give you fire? And the girl responds, just because I ask. So
So that pleases the woman. The woman lets her in and she says, I'm not just going to give you fire for free. First, you have to cook for me. You have to clean for me. You have to work for me for an entire day. I'm going to be gone when I come back. I want everything to be done. So she goes about doing these tasks. The woman comes back and she's almost annoyed that the girl's got everything done.
She then says, well, I'm not going to believe you can do it just because you did it once. You're going to have to show me again. Sets her all these mundane tasks again. Things like picking the poppy seeds from the dirt. And she says, if I even find one grain in the wrong pile, you're done for. I'll kill you. Okay. She completes all the tasks to perfection. And the woman is almost inescapable.
inquisitive about how she was able to do it. So she invites her to come and eat with her. Whilst eating, the woman says, you must have questions for me. And so the girl says, yes, I have questions for you. I would like to ask them. She then tells the little girl, it is wrong to know too much too soon, but ask away. The little girl asks one question. The old woman answers her. Then she says, do you have another question? And the girl goes to ask her second question when the doll that she has starts jumping and waving her arms.
So she stops herself from asking the question and she says, no, like you say, it is foolish to know too much too soon, which pleases the old woman. She says, how are you so wise? And the little girl says, it's a gift from my mother. She sends her on her way with her fire and it's inside of a skull, which this is an incomplete version of the story. I'm just trying to break it down for you guys. She explains a lot.
about like old cultures these are all very very old stories very old fairy tales and it's a very interesting read if you want to know the significance of the skull of the bones of every piece of symbolism within this story i just read the book okay i cannot possibly it's a long it's long but everything is symbolic of something so it's worth reading if you're very interested anyway
She gives her a skull with fire inside and she says, there you go, now get out. So the little girl with the fire in the skull goes home and the fire in the skull kind of walks in front of her, showing her the way home, lighting up the path. At one point, the girl becomes so afraid of the skull and so afraid of the fire that she thinks to throw it in the forest and just run home.
But something speaks to her, do not throw that away. And she continues on her way. When she gets home, the evil stepsisters and the evil stepmother see her and they're furious. Like, how did you do it? And the skull watches the interaction and then burns them to ashes. When I first read this, I was like, oh shit, I don't really know what the fuck just happened.
The author explained that this fairy tale can be looked at as every single character in this story, the Flame, the old woman, the young girl, the evil stepsisters. There's other little mini characters within the story, the courses and stuff.
again, read the book, are all one woman. And it is all symbolic of different parts of our psyche. And that the woman that she goes to find in the forest is kind of like a divine feminine. She, again, all different interpretations, all different interpretations of this woman by different cultures, by different authors, by different women. But essentially, she kind of encapsulates this ultimate feminine knowing being power.
And so she receives things from her. She becomes like her. She learns from her. She inherits some of her power, like the fire, the torch, the skull. But she's someone that she visits, someone to guide her. It is not entirely her.
The stepsisters, the stepmother, they are evil parts of her psyche. They are the self-doubt, the self-hatred. She also explains that the self-doubt, self-hatred can either come from internally or externally. It can be a cultural thing. It can be the office you go to. It could be your family. It could be the culture that you live in. Regardless of who you are, where you live, they can symbolize different things. But essentially, it is all within you. It is not personal.
Not that you have an evil stepsister. You are the evil stepsister. It is not that you have a crazy woman living in the woods. It is that you are part of her. She is part of you. And you can go to her for advice. And she takes care of all women of the world, kind of. Essentially. One thing that really stuck out to me about this story was the bones. So again, read the book for the specific story.
cultural connotations because they are very interesting. What really got me about them, though, was she kind of explained that they could be seen to have knowledge, that in some cultures when people die, there is a belief that the knowledge of that person remains within the bones. Obviously, the skull is the head. That's where all the thinking happens. That's like a kind of obvious one. But she was kind of making the point that she was handed the knowledge in the form of this skull of so many women who came before her.
And this knowledge empowered her to be able to destroy these negative parts of her psyche, to walk with confidence, to walk through the woods, to know her way home, to know what she's doing, where she is, who she is, and get rid of the parts of her that were destructive. Now, this was impactful for me because I, like a lot of people, ignore my gut instincts. I ignore my intuition. I do it every day of my life, always have.
There are ones that I listen to and there are ones I ignore. But I'm very bad for ignoring it. And I often think I'm wrong. I often think I'm crazy. I often think I'm not smart enough, not good enough, not knowing enough. And that if I was to listen to all of my intuition, something insane would happen. I would become someone crazy. When she put it like that, like...
you have inherited when you tap into this power, when you visit the old lady in the woods, you tap into a power of every woman who came before you. You tap into something that is, whether it's God-given, whether it's given by the woman in the woods, whether it is just innate, whether it's biologically innate, whatever it is that resonates with you about why God
you have the ability to know and to see things, even when you don't want to, even when you don't know why, even when you just know someone's fucking evil and you have no idea why. When you walk into a room and everyone loves one person and you see them and you think you are a bad person and everyone in here loves you, no one is going to believe me that you are bad news. And it takes three years until they finally do something and
Everyone sees what this person was the entire time and you saw it the first time you met them because something in you said no. When you have that ability and you are afraid of it because you think it is just you being fucking crazy, that is harmful. What she helped me to realize in this chapter was that is actually something that was given to me that is innate knowledge.
to people that is passed on passed down it is taught it's in the bones it is everywhere and it is not just me it is not unique to me and it is not mine and i will not die with it it will continue on in my bloodline if i have a bloodline if i don't have kids if i don't if i adopt it doesn't matter i will give them this gift i will show them this gift i hope to be able to show them how they should tap into that power and to
instill faith in it in them, trust in it in them. When I realized this is not about me, this is something that is so much bigger than me, so much more powerful than I ever could understand and it is not a me experience, I started to think, oh my god, how rude of me to doubt that because I'm not doubting myself, I am doubting so much more than myself and I don't even know fully what it is and I can't even fully put it into words but I realized this isn't me being anxious because I
I had that one bad experience when I was a kid and now I developed anxiety. This is not something that happened in my life to trigger me to have this ability to know and to see. This is something that is meant for me to feel, to see. It is not unique to me and it is there for me to tap into more and more and more. I felt genuinely a little bit foolish for all the times that I ignored it because I
suddenly I wasn't ignoring myself. I was ignoring my grandmother, my great-grandmother, my great-great-great-grandmother. I was ignoring my aunt, not just me. Again, that's not a literal likening because none of these people were physically telling me anything. I hope you guys understand what I'm saying. I don't know if I'm making any sense. Then I started to think about why have I got into so many situations where I get a gut feeling, I get an intuition, I know deeply and strongly you should not be in my life.
I should not be in this house. I should not get in that car. I should turn around right now and see who's behind me. I should not read this book. I have to read this book. I should not watch this movie. I shouldn't go to dinner at this place tonight. I should not be in this relationship. I should not...
whatever it is I shouldn't say this I should say this why the fuck do I not believe it ever I always have these feelings they are very strong they are very present I cannot possibly ignore them I know they're there but I still do I still say you're wrong you're crazy I know a lot I see a lot I feel a lot but I never act on it I almost never act on it I almost never listen to myself I
I ignore many of my intuitive feelings because I discredit them. I don't want to know what I already have heard as a whisper. This is what I wrote. I invalidate myself because why would I know this, feel this, or see this without any proof? I don't give myself the trust and I consistently disbelieve myself.
Or even more sinister is that I just do not wish to bear the truth that is tugging on my leg. I fear the things I am able to see. I know my intuition is good because there have been countless circumstances in my life where something has walked into my life and my gut has said no. My heart has said no. My brain has said no. My body has physically rejected this person, this situation, whatever it is. And I have said yes. I've said yes, we will do this. I don't know why. I don't know
if I'm trying to punish myself, I don't know if I think that the outcome will be worth it. I don't know if I think I'm just ridiculous, but I say yes. And I do the thing. And every fucking time, although there may be positive that comes out the situation, because I believe that there can always be something if you twisted enough in your head, but I always am able to look back and say that was right. What I felt when I saw them and I said, no, that was right. And I was right
and I didn't listen to myself and next time I will listen. And then the next time comes along and I say, you're wrong. I'm going to do the thing anyway. Why? And it's part impulsivity. It's part disrespect for myself. It's part not trusting myself. The disrespect for myself and the trusting myself intertwined but separate. Okay. Hey, Fidelity. What's it cost to invest with the Fidelity app?
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These experiences where life has proved to me and I have proved to myself that despite the fact that I went about it in a way that I wish I didn't, I was right. Okay, yeah, you did the thing anyway, but your intuition was right. When you got that first initial feeling of this is wrong, you were right. Yes, you went through with it anyway because you're a fucking bitch, but you were right. And that's a very valuable thing because it's kind of, she talks a lot about the initiation into your life.
Which is through making mistakes, through seeing things, through experiences where you see that you see outcomes, essentially. Whether that be a negative or a positive outcome, you see that what you're feeling is real and it is true. Because of that knowing... So for instance...
I meet someone, my gut says no. I say yes. I befriend them. They fuck me over. And I realize my gut always knew this is not a good person for you. They are going to hurt you. They are destructive to your life, to your soul. This is not your friend. Well, I knew that from day one. I still went through and was their friend. Fuck. And so I had to be like, why do I do this? And it's because I'm actually scared of how much I am able to see. And...
I feel that if I was to live a life where I consistently speak to my intuition, that I will be alone, that I will... And that it's a burden. And it's kind of like ignorance is bliss. The idea of becoming fully sentient to this is so overwhelming to me. I'm like, there is so much badness and so much scary and so much... Don't go there. Don't go there. Go there. But don't go there. That I'm like...
Let me not fucking tap into this because then I lose my destructive free will. That's a big one for me. Let me actually fuck my life up. I want to, except I don't. Um,
But also, it's a fear of seeing things that may make me feel that the world is a big, scary place. And a lot of times as well, I will know something so deeply is not right. And I will make every excuse in the book for why it is. And I will convince myself that that 1% of, well, maybe it is right, because there's always going to be that, is enough to go off of to continue with whatever it is that the thing is. Be it a friendship, relationship, a
a workplace, whatever. Whatever the thing is that I know you just shouldn't be doing it, you shouldn't be here, you shouldn't, whatever. I will, I don't know why I do it, but I think everyone does. Ignorance is bliss. Why should I have to endure the pain of seeing everything as its genuine form? Why is it that when I see a bad person, I have to see that? I want to be
ignorant. Why is it that when I am in a bad situation, I cannot sugarcoat it? I literally have to know the truth and I have to deal with the truth. I want to be able to sugarcoat things. I want to not see things. I want to, by the way, this
this isn't true but this is where I was for a long time I want to not see I want to not know I want to be happy I want to be peaceful I want to be just about content I want to be fine I want to be leave me alone like this big sense of knowing of dread of you cannot stay here forever because you act
actually already know every answer. Every question you keep asking, you already know the answer. You can't stay here forever. It's only a matter of time for you. And I was dreading it because I was like, no, I just am not ready. I don't want to see. I don't want to know the truth. I do not want to go on this journey. Leave me alone.
me be ignorant in peace. Anyways, and then I got to this page and I'm going to read it for you because it's life-changing, chill, sorry, it's life-changing, spine-chilling, and beautiful. Okay. Each woman who receives her intuition reaches a point where she is tempted to throw it away. For what is the use of seeing and knowing all these things? This skull light is not forgiving. In its light, the old are elderly, the beautiful,
I actually don't know what fucking reconnaissance means.
Second,
Secondly, it causes striving in the gathering up of will in order to do something about what one sees, be it for good or balance or to allow something to live or die. It is true, I will not lie to you, it is easier to throw away the light and go back to sleep. It is true, it is hard to hold the skull light out before us sometimes, for with it we clearly see all sides of ourselves and others, both the disfigured and the divine and all conditions in between.
Yet, with this light, the miracles of deep beauty in the world and humans come to consciousness. With this penetrating light, one can see past the bad actions with the good heart. One can epsy the sweet spirit crushed beneath hatred. One can understand much instead of being perplexed only. This light can differentiate layers of personality, intention, and motives in others. It can determine consciousness and unconsciousness in self and others. It is the wand of knowing. It is the mirror in which all things are sensed and seen. It is the deep wild nature."
The way I see this chapter is me alone in my bedroom. The bedroom is very messy. I've been there for five days wondering why I have to be a thought daughter, why I can't just like completely lose my sentience. I've been listening to Gracie Abrams on repeat. I feel completely alone. I am a very vulnerable child. And then an old woman comes through the door and says, you have to
to follow the feeling. There is no way out of it for you because you already feel it despite not wanting to and it will reveal beauty or reveal horror. It'll be scary. It'll be wonderful. If you wish to actually experience life fully, you cannot get rid of
of this seeing power you cannot get rid of the light you cannot get rid of the fact that you are someone who can do these things who someone who does have this power you only can tap into it you can't run from it you're trying it's not working so come with me I know it's scary and I know it's hard but you have the ability to see life and to bear it and that's the bottom line
When I realized I had the ability to see life and to bear it, because I was always scared that I would be able to see it and not bear it. And I realized I had the ability to. I got very excited because I was like, if I dare to see all the depths of badness when it's the bad side of me, the destructive side of me, the things that are wrong within my brain, my psyche, when I see those shadow, when I see like my shadow features, I think people call it shadow work because it's like,
these horrible parts of your psyche that hate you, that think that you're not good enough, that think that you should don't deserve things, that think that you didn't earn anything, that think that you should shut up, be quiet, be nice, get along with people, do all these things that are not in favor of yourself. When you can reach in that shadow and find those things and figure them out,
However that looks for you. I wrote this also in my notes. I said, accepting the truth is hard. In fact, I fear I may be wrong. That's why I don't listen. I fear if I am right, the world is hard to bear. That's also why I don't listen. And then I wrote, I have a choice to make. And it is as simple as that. She also writes in this book, again, I implore you to fucking read it, that
a lot of women hang in the balance. They are halfway through this like initiation process of understanding their intuition and understanding that it works for them and understanding what is being taught to them through their body, through their gut. And they kind of hang in between of this place where I have been for many years. And I never saw myself as hanging in between. I just saw myself as having problems. I was not confident. I was destructive. I had these downward spirals. Maybe I was depressed. I was anxious. Also, I was at university. I was busy. All these things.
When really it was this simple. It was all of this. It was not believing myself. It was not trusting myself. It was not wanting to know. And I think it just got to a point where I was like, no, I do want to know. And...
And the way that this book is written is with so much love and so much comfort. And she also wrote this, which I found really interesting because I was like, that is me as fuck. Then I also found this. Some women are afraid that this deep knowing via instinct and intuition will cause them to be reckless and thoughtless. But this is an unfounded fear. Because also my fear was always like, if I'm, I feel like it leaves me too much in my own head. Because I do get into spaces where I don't see enough friends. I don't have enough.
you know, out the house time. And I become honestly self-obsessed. I begin obsessing over things that are only to do with me, that are just genuinely not worth that kind of lamenting energy. It can be fixed quicker, easier, more productively. It can be sewn together in a better way. Essentially, there is another solution and it is not locking yourself in your room for three weeks straight and not seeing anyone.
and falling down a spiral of self-hatred and isolation. That is not the answer. And that was always kind of my fear of this deep knowing and instinct making me become reckless and thoughtless. Because when I am left to my own devices in such a way, I can kind of run with things that just aren't true.
and aren't accurate. And you always need other people's perspectives. And I think I was scared that if I really started to believe myself when I told myself, hey, you feel this way, that I would become someone who was hard to be around and hard to speak to and was rejected by a lot of people, which by the way, I think that's very true. I do think a lot of people reject people who
are in tune with themselves. I think that's just a fact of life. I see it happen all the time. I've even been the person to do it. And I've had it done to me. And I think that's honestly healthy to be have been in both of those positions as much as it might suck at the time. I genuinely think it's very, very healthy because it helps you understand why the world responds the way it does because you were on both sides. And
I was just scared that I would kind of snowball and be wrong. I would let myself feel things that weren't accurate and no one would be able to tell me otherwise because I am just only listening to this bitch right here. And I just realized that just isn't what will happen. That is an unfounded fear. What will happen is I will be able to locate the things within my own psyche that cause me to enter experiences
extremely painful, destructive circumstances.
why they hate me so much why do I feel that where is it what did it come from how do I get rid of it how do I restrain it how do I shrink it how do I give all of the stage to the positive attributes of my psyche how do I use that fucking skullfire how do I go find that lady in the woods how do I get the mentors that I need for this process the first is this book and this author and I
love her so much and I'm only on page actually what fucking page am I on 124 or something like that um now I think that this podcast has been more of a thought piece because I'm not really telling you how any of this works or really getting into the nitty-gritty of like okay you've told me that I need to do this you've told me I need to listen to my intuition you've told me why you've given me a fairy tale about it I still don't know what to do and the reason I've done that is because I
I don't know what to fucking do. I'm reading this book and she is inspiring me and I am finally for the first time in my life willing to potentially gamble on the fact that I am not crazy and that maybe some of the things that I feel are gifts and they are wise and they are knowing and I can tell
into that and I can lean into that and it does not make me wrong, it does not make me crazy, it does not make me unlikable, it makes me very self-assured, very powerful, very peaceful. And it would create a life for me where people cannot come in and disrupt.
Because that is a life I live. Right now, up until now in my life, people have always been able to walk through my front door and fuck shit up. It's like I don't have a lock on my door. That's actually a very good analogy. I don't have a lock on my front door. People just come in and then they throw my china pots and pans around. They throw my nice little teacups with the fucking bunnies painted on them. And they smash them on the floor. And then they mess up my paperwork that I filed so nicely on my desk. And then they unmake the bed that I made a week ago. Okay? They unwash my laundry. Okay?
And they fucking move my shoes around on the shoe rack. And I'm like looking at them and I'm like, what the actual fuck is wrong with you? Why did you do that? And then they're like, there's a sign on the door saying like, please come in and fuck my shit up. And I was like, oh my God, I thought I took that sign down the last time I had someone come in and fuck my shit up. I must have forgot that it's still there. Fuck! I thought I took that sign down by now. You would, you would think I would have, but I didn't. And...
Always been this person who my base form is me. I am a person who is able to develop a level of trust in herself, who is able to develop morals and virtues. Is virtue the right word? Morals and values that feel good in my body, in my life. They work for me and I feel positive about.
when I enact them. And they are not exhausting for me to exercise. There are some people, and I watch them try and be a version of themselves that they are not, and it exhausts them, and they cannot keep it up. For me, my baseline, that is what I am. I am receptive to books like this. I am excited to learn. I am working towards self-love.
And then when all that is true, someone opens that front door that I forgot to lock, can't lock, literally don't know how to install one yet. And they just come and fuck shit up. And it's not their fault.
My door had a sign on it asking for them to do that and I hadn't locked it. Essentially what I'm saying is I don't have a layer of protection. I've never given myself a layer of protection. And the reason I don't have a layer of protection is because I do not believe myself. I do not trust myself. And ultimately, guys, not even being funny, I don't fucking like myself because it boils down to that. It genuinely does. When I say shadow work, that is what I need to do.
I can sit here and I can say, I like the way I look. I like my face. I think logically that I'm quite a nice person. I think that I am kind to my friends. I think that I try every day to do the decent thing and the good thing. And I don't even think it takes me much effort because I just think I am amazing.
a nice girl and that can all be true and I can kind of believe all of it and then it doesn't matter because something in my psyche hates me and that is something that needs to go this has been a genuinely insane episode I am actually kind of concerned I think people are going to start thinking oh this bitch has lost her mind
But on the off chance that you did not listen to this podcast and think that I was fucking insane, tell me what you think. Because I love this book. I think that it is written with love. I feel love emanate from this book. By the way, the book is Women Who Run With the Wolves. Sorry, probably should have said fucking hell. Um...
So I cannot wait to finish it. I am barely even getting started. It actually occurred to me the other day while I was reading it that at one point this book will end. And then what do I do? Because I just can't imagine a world where I'm not actively reading and discovering the things that are within this book. It's kind of terrifying. Obviously, I'm going to read it 100 times, but I can't believe that it's not an infinite book. It's a little bit scary to me, but it's okay. She makes it so loving and she makes me really understand what she's saying to me. You know what?
I've just checked my screenshots and this is explaining the lighted skull in a very nice way. I'm going to read it to you. So when the old lady gives the girl the lighted skull, remember the old lady in the woods gives the little girl the fire, she is giving her an old woman icon, an ancestral knower to carry with her for life. She is initiating her into a matrilineal legacy of knowing, one which in the caves and canyons of the psyche remains whole and thriving.
Very important because it means that no matter how much you have neglected this, no matter how many initiations you've had, which is moments where you go, oh my God, my gut was right. No matter how many initiations you've had into your own insensitivity,
instincts, into your own intuition. No matter how many times you have banished it from your brain or disrespected it, disbelieved it, distrusted it, no matter how small of an ability you think you have, it is always whole and thriving in the caves of your psyche. And I love that. And I believe that. I think that this is a very important book.
for everyone to read, not just women. There's also a very interesting chapter, which I'm not even going to fucking bother talking about in this podcast because I could go on for hours, about men. I will give you a brief overview of this chapter, actually, because I love yapping. She essentially tells the story of a man who wants to marry these two twins, both of them. And the father of the twins says, you can only marry them if you can guess their names.
and he cannot guess their names. He goes every single day trying to guess their names. He cannot guess their names. The man has a dog, and the dog ends up sneaking into the girls' room and overhearing their names, and he goes to tell his owner, essentially, that the names are the girls'. The bottom line of this story was the man had gone every day, and he asked the names of the girls over and over and over, and he tried to guess, and he asked, and they wouldn't tell him, of course. The dog overheard the names of the girls because he snuck into the tent, and then he told his owner. When the owner goes back,
and he tells them their names and he marries them. And the point of the story was that the dog is symbolic of the man's intuition. And she was only looking at male intuition in this chapter in the context of understanding a woman. How does a man's psyche play into all of this? And because if you read this book, you will realize
Oh my fucking God, a man never does not stand a fucking chance. I don't think a man stands a chance in understanding whatever this is. I don't even understand whatever this is. If men are your concern and you feel chronically misunderstood by them, this chapter is very interesting because, and this is kind of obvious, kind of, but it's always nice to be told something in a poetic way. I think it always brings it back home for me. She said, the dog is symbolic of the man's deeper knowing and his psyche and his...
his own intuition. The man in this story simply asking the woman's names, simply feeding into his curiosity and his will to understand the feminine, a woman. She is essentially saying that most men will have the innate curiosity and desire to learn more about the gender that they fall in love with.
If a man is in love with a woman, he should naturally, unless something is wrong, very, very wrong, he should naturally be curious. He should naturally want to ask and he wants to know. But the point of this story was that asking will never be enough. A man will never ever come to understand a woman simply alone by asking. What this man in the story had to do was employ his like psychic intuitions
and go much deeper within himself and meet them at a soul level and ask them soul to soul, what is your name? The name represents much more than just their first name, of course. And the fact that they're twins represents two different sides to the woman. It's a good story. You should read it. I'm not explaining it the best. But that really brought it home for me. Personally, I don't know about you because it said that to...
have a man ask you and desire to know you will never make you feel known there is more work to be done on his part it is not enough that he has just asked oh but she said it's possible i don't know miss girl said it's fucking possible so i am just going to take her word for it she said that apparently they do have psychic abilities they just have to like tap into it so fingers crossed um fingers crossed that she's right about that one because i that would be nice
Have never seen it in action, but it would be really nice. Um...
She said that I found very sweet was why as a woman should you teach a man or show a man? And my Gen Z modern day response to that question is fuck off. I'm not teaching you anything. I fucking hate you. All of you suck. You as a group of people, all of you, inclusively, not one exclusion, all men, I am saying it with my chest, all men hate, hate, hate.
Hate, hate, hate. Obviously not true. But that's my response. Do you know what hers was? It said, she said, because when a soul asks, you owe it to them to respond.
God, why should you answer another soul when they ask you a question? Because they asked. Oh my God. Okay, well, that makes sense because if we are only here, and this is literally what I was talking about literally last week, guys, if a soul asks you a question, why would you not respond? Because if our entire end goal here on earth as people, as souls, is to learn, then it is your duty to respond when another soul asks you a question. Oh my fucking God.
I'm literally going to lose my fucking mind. Anyways, obviously there's nuance to that. Boundaries still exist, by the way. And implementing boundaries whilst having this knowledge and having these revelations is very difficult. Whenever I have a revelation, especially of this nature, my boundaries go out the window because I do not know where or how to implement them because this is new to me and it's very tricky and I don't understand. It takes me a long time to understand and I will make mistakes with it because I'll over implement and then I will under implement and it takes me, I titrate, tritate?
That's what I'm doing with my ADHD medication right now. I'm tritating or titrating. I forget which one it is, but it's very, very tricky. But obviously, when I say things like, you answer because another soul asked, that does not mean you respond to your ex-boyfriend's text messages, okay? That is not what we're talking about right here. And that's the kind of thing I have to remind myself of. Anyways, that wraps up this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome because I need to shut the fuck up.
sometimes it is so hard for me to sit here and do a podcast episode. Other times I sit here and I genuinely think that if a medical professional could overhear me, that I would have to leave this car against my will. I would be taken because sometimes I do listen to myself and I'm like, what the fuck are you actually talking about? This is genuinely what the fuck are you talking about? And
Why do you have a microphone? Ugh. I honestly don't know if I'm ever doing the right thing by speaking my thoughts on this podcast because, first of all, does anyone give a fuck? Second of all, I might be wrong. Tomorrow, I might wake up and be like, I don't agree with any of that. And then it's on the internet forever. That's absolutely horrendous and horrifying. Third of all, I'm like, if I...
actually am right and I actually give someone else the starting willpower to like be like, wait a second, that girl literally said that I have a little intuition and now I'm going to Google intuition and then it starts a whole journey for them. I'm like, is that worse? Sometimes I just think I need to just actually shut the fuck up.
Okay, I'm going to go inside. I am actually going to drive to London now because I have a hair appointment. It's not that interesting. I was talking about it like I was about to go meet the Queen. I just have a hair appointment. I'm going to go to London. Actually, guys, my friend T came to my house last night and slept at my house. We had a sleepover and...
She's inside right now, probably talking to my mother. So actually, I need to go put a stop to that because no, there's no need. Okay. Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. Now, usually I don't say that as earnestly as I just did. If you are still here, thank you. I don't know how I need to pay you. I think at this point, I don't know. Something needs to change. You guys are literally
literally insane if you're still here. I wish I wasn't even here. I wish I was not privy to the conversation I've just had with you guys. Like, I am in hell. I am a tortured, tortured, tortured person. I love it here. Anyways, I love being on a journey of discovery. I love healing. I love being a woman. I love books like this. Thank you, Clarissa.
I need to find out if she's still alive. And if she is still alive, I have to go and track her down. I have to meet this woman. I have questions for her. I really do. And oh my God. Okay. Thank you for watching this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. Let me know if you enjoyed. Let me know. I don't know. Just let me know. All right. I love you guys so much. Please be well. And I will see you same time, same place next week.
And that is it. I have nothing else to yap your ear off about. Well, actually I do, but I'm just going to stop before I genuinely give myself a lobotomy. Okay, love you. I see you next week. Bye-bye.
