Tell me if I’m being crazy in this podcast
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Hi guys, welcome back to another week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. This week I'm gonna apologize in advance for the trash in the back of my car. I understand that it's disgusting. I've literally been living in this car pretty much. I've been like living out of this car at the very least. I've been basically living with my friend T. I think everyone knows this by this point. I moved in with that girl. I don't have a flat of my own and so I'm in between T's house and my mum's house. So my car is kind of like my portable closet right now. I'm sorry if you can see the mess back there, just ignore it. Anyways,

This week was a big week for me. Last week, I was talking about how I was about to go pick my sister up from the airport. She flew in from New Zealand, where she lives, to come and see my mom for her birthday. And it was a surprise for my mom. She had no idea that we had planned the whole thing. She kept saying to me, like, I keep having to remind myself that, you know, Jess isn't going to be here for this birthday and she's not my birthday present. You know, she's not going to walk through the door and be my birthday.

day present and I just need to come to terms with the fact that I'm not going to see her. Like, she was being so fucking dramatic about it, actually. She was like, yeah, I just need to, like, get it in my head because, you know, I don't want anything else to feel disappointing in comparison. And I was like, for fuck's sake, lady, like...

You know, give me a minute. Okay, she's flying here. So I was, I literally had to bite my tongue so hard. Let me just check the date right now. So I'm filming this Tuesday the 20th. So okay, perfect. So the day this podcast will get released will be the day of the execution for my next surprise. So my next surprise for my mom is that I have booked her a trip away for her birthday. I didn't say this in last week's episode because it was going to come out before she knew and I didn't want her to like accidentally see a clip of the episode.

episode or whatever or like watch it god forbid and then find out about my surprise before it was time for her to know so I can say in this one because the day this comes out we will already be on a plane um to her birthday holiday I booked her a trip actually so stressful so I booked her a trip to road or roads it's like an island in Greece I found a little resort and

I've booked us a couple rooms there. And it's just like meant to be like a relaxation holiday, like a little bit of sun because genuinely the sun has not come out in London at all this summer. Like it's so miserable. And so I want to get her a little bit of, you know, sun on her skin. Get this, yeah. I booked the fucking holiday before I booked the flights. And I didn't think that would be a big deal because it's just a little flight through Europe. They're usually very cheap, usually very accessible. Like they're usually like a flight to Greece.

really from like London should not be more than like 100 pounds maybe 200 right oh I was wrong I should have checked I don't know why I didn't guys it's like 500 pounds per person and I had already booked the accommodation before I even looked at the flights I don't know why I did that like that's like the the rookiest mistake I just had to like bite the bullet and book these ridiculously expensive they're like easy jet flights and that scares me because I'm not gonna lie I I'm not

I'm not an anxious flyer particularly. Lately, my flight anxiety has got worse because I don't know if you guys are seeing what I'm seeing with all these like plane crashes and like that whole thing that happened with Boeing. That scared the shit out of me. But then I was like, you know what? Like I travel a lot for work. Like I'll be fine. Like the planes are usually quite like, I don't know, decent planes. Like I don't know the fucking plane model, make, number, whatever. But I was like, I feel safe like on the bigger planes that go like...

Transatlantic flights. I'm like, I'll be safe. Yeah, this was like my worst fear as a flight. But specifically, the reason I'm scared for this flight is because it's going to have kids on it. I don't like children because they are walking incubuses to me. Like you are literally riddled. I don't know how else to tell you. You're fucking riddled. I don't touch me. Don't breathe near me. Like get the fuck away from me.

And again, like I like kids that I know, like I love my little cousins and stuff and I genuinely enjoy kids company. I think they're fun. But when it's not a kid that has anything to do with me and it's just riddled, like now I'm stuck breathing the same air as like what, 50 kids? Because it's a summer holiday flight. Like no one's going to Rhodes for business. Like it's mid-August flying in August.

a European flight like that is literally I'm gonna get the flu kids throw up spontaneously all the time and now I'm gonna be stuck in a in a tube with loads of children that might get travel sick or like might just have an illness and I'm so fucking scared and I'm genuinely genuinely not kidding I'm going to ban my mother and my sister look it's a four-hour flight I'm gonna tell them you will not use the bathroom on this plane because I just know you will catch something from it and I'm sorry if this is coming off like

rude those children are not washing their hands like don't go in the bathroom it's it's the place where people throw up i don't use bathrooms on planes if i can help it but when i do use them i'm very very careful about never touching my face never eating with my hands nothing but like my sister doesn't give a flying fuck she's one of those people who will like be on an airplane eat a bag of crisps with her hands and then like lick her fingers and i admire it

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The other week I was on TikTok and I saw one of my favorite TikTokers and she has two little kids and she was basically doing like a vlog and one of her kids, they were traveling in Thailand, one of her kids had woken up vomiting that day and then they had to catch a flight. And I was like, first of all, terrifying, horrifying, my worst nightmare. But then second of all, she was like, I'm going to take this decongestant and she put the pill in her hand and then put it in her mouth.

And I was like, love you so much. But like, you just caught whatever your kid has. Probably. Like, that is so scary to me. Because if I even hear that someone around me has thrown up or is unwell. Okay, I just literally will put myself in a hazmat suit for a week. Like, I can't do it. Like, nothing will touch my mouth. I won't, like, I won't. I just can't do it. Any level of cross-contamination with like illness. So planes to me, especially planes with a lot of kids on them. I'm just like, oh.

Oh, God. Like, I know you're unwell. Like, I just, I just, kids just are sick all the time and it's gross. Why do they do that? Why do they throw up? If you couldn't tell, I obviously have horrendous, like, contamination OCD. It's a thing for me. Anyways, and I know a lot of other people do because whenever I talk about this, I get comments being like, me too, me too, me too.

Guys, get this. Yeah, one time it was one of the first times I'd ever flown alone. And I had obviously had the conversation in my head of like, no one's going to throw up near you like you're going to be fine. And, you know, if they do throw up near you, it'll just be travel sickness. You'll be OK. So tell me why I bought this flight. And it's this like 30 something year old woman sat next to me. And in the two seats in front of us are her little kids.

and she was like yeah like I just thought it'd be better if they sit together and I'm back here but like we got into conversation basically and I come to find out like the two kids in front of us are her two kids we take off everything's fine and then her kid throws up all over itself and I was like I've like befriended this woman like I feel obliged to help like I can't just sit here and like hide you know and I asked her can I do anything and she was like yes actually you can and I was like

fuck so she gets the well child the child that hasn't thrown up and she's like can she sit in my seat can she sit next to you and you just like keep an eye on her and I'm gonna sit up front with the sick one and I was like yes that's absolutely perfect I would love nothing more than to sit next to the one that hasn't yet thrown up because I can only assume it's coming you know like did they did they did they

did they eat something or like did they you know did they did they maybe maybe you all have a bug perhaps maybe you're all riddled with germs and bacteria anyway this child sit next sits next to me and mind you it's like an eight hour flight I think I was going from New York to London I'm having a fucking panic attack like I was literally like gonna cry but there's literally nothing I can do in this situation like there's nothing and the kid lays down head on my lap

adorable but actually get the fuck off of me she lays down with her head on my lap and goes to sleep now the other one in the front still throwing up like the plane stinks whatever actually I don't think it was that bad but like everyone knew everyone in the local plane area knew what had happened and the kid is on my lap and at one point I needed to move and I'm like trying to like maneuver something around this child sleeping little unwell head and I catch eye contact with a man on the other side of the plane to me and I don't even know how this happens I catch his eye and

And he we pause and he goes like this. And then we both just start hysterically laughing because I know in that moment, oh, my God, he's seen this whole thing go down. And he knows exactly how uncomfortable I am with this because it's very fucking obvious. Like, I'm just violently unhappy with this situation. And I realized like that was like the funniest thing that could possibly happen. But like I was literally in emotional agony for 10 hours that day. Like it was just the worst possible thing that could have happened to me.

When you have that kind of OCD, that kind of fear and something very specific and niche happens to you in regards to that fear, it's kind of just like, what the fuck? Like, this is the one thing my therapist told me wouldn't happen. And here I am, you know, here it is happening to me right now, actually. So anyway, that happened. And that kind of just instilled a deeper fear in me of like, actually, no, it can happen.

can happen you know that might happen to you again so I usually like when I fly for work it's like adult flights you know what I mean like it's a fucking 8 p.m London to New York like there's it's that's not a family holiday flight it's in September like no one's going anywhere except like people who are working so it's there's always going to be a kid on a flight but like typically it's just a lot of people going back and forth for work so I'm always very comfortable on these flights of like

this is okay, you know? But this is like a family holiday trip and I am a little bit anxious about it. I will be honest with you, I'm nervous. I just don't like being around kids in general and I don't even like being around people who work in kids settings. Like if you tell me you work in a nursery, I can't be your friend and I mean that. Like if you tell me you work around very young children...

I don't care if we're soulmates. It's not happening. I'm just not going to be around you because I am just like very, very scared of catching something and you just are more exposed to it. And I just hate being exposed to things like that. And you know what? It is a luxury of adulthood that I don't have to be around kids if I don't want to. Like I don't really have any interactions with people who have kids yet because I'm still in my early twenties. Like none of my fucking friends really have kids. Like one of them does, but like, it's just a luxury and it's being, it's going to get ripped from me. Um,

So I'm actually really anxious about it. And I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't take anti-anxiety pills. I never have. I tried them once in my life. And actually, I think I tried antidepressants, whatever. I don't know. I tried something and it just like made me into like an acne covered zombie. So I stopped doing that. And I have been thinking that for this flight, I genuinely might have to take like an anti-anxiety or like a sedative because

I just know, like, I'm going to be like a dog. Like, my ears are going to prick up every time I hear someone, like, cough. I'm going to be like, they're going to throw up. Like, it's going to be... It's going to be an interesting experience, but it is only a four-hour flight. Like, I will genuinely survive. It will be fine. I've just...

Sometimes I get so in my head that I'm like, I have to spend every penny I have on a private jet for this fucking four hour trip because there's no other way and I'm going to panic and it's all going to be terrible. And then I'm like, babe, it's actually not that deep and you're more than capable of doing it. And then I'm like, oh, thank God you're right. Because then I don't have to spend £55,000 on a private jet. You know, I don't have, I can't be doing that.

So it'll be okay. But my actual point was that I just didn't look at the prices of the flights and I was so pissed. I was like £500 for a four hour economy flight on EasyJet is mentally deranged. Like that is so fucking sick of the airline.

What do you mean 500 pounds? That's I just if it was worth that fine, but it's not because I know that every other month of the year, this same flight is maybe 60 pounds. You know what I mean? Like you can genuinely just get around Europe for like 20 quid if you want. If you're going at the right time of year and you want to travel around Europe, it's so cheap. So I'm like, like, it's so cheap. So I'm just like, fuck, no.

Anyway, I booked a really nice resort for my mom. I think she's going to like it. And I've never really done anything like this for anyone. Like, I don't tend to spend money and I don't tend to... Well, like, not, like, a lot of money on, like... I don't really take myself on trips and I don't really, like, buy fancy things. So it's kind of fun to, like, do it for once. And, like, I am excited to surprise them with it because...

I just think that she is going to... I don't know. I just want to make sure that she feels like taken care of, you know, on her birthday. And I think that she liked the surprise of my sister as well. I think that was a lot of fun. And it was fun to just go pick her up from the airport as well. That was just like a sneaky surprise. Anyways, segwaying, segwaying. Anyways, let's do what is now going to have to be a weekly segment, which is a medical check-in that I'm just going to literally tell you guys about. Because...

As you know, I started my ADHD medication and guys, I don't know what the fuck happened to me. It was great. And then it wasn't. It was great. And then they changed my medication. And now I'm on a new medication. And it was great, but it was it was like too intense for me. Like it was like being on drugs, which just wasn't what it's meant to be. So they changed me to something that is more proper and more like it's like

the one I always hear about basically I don't want to say the name of it because I don't want anyone to like go seeking like the same medication as me because that's just fucking stupid because you guys don't have the same I don't know I just don't I'm scared that someone would like do something silly I don't know

But basically, they put me on a new medication and I don't know, it's just not doing anything. Like I literally take it in the morning and within like two hours, I just feel slightly uncomfortable and like a little bit maybe anxious and like worried about something, but I'm not sure what I'm worried about. And then within like the next two hours after that, I have to go to sleep. Like it's meant to be a 13 hour release drug, but it's a low dose and I have like an insanely fast metabolism. So I think I just get through the entire thing in four hours.

So, first of all, I need a higher dose. And second of all, I just don't know if the pill is actually going to work. This specific medication is going to work for me because when I tell you, I don't feel any fucking different. Like, I do not want to sit down and focus. I just want to, like, worry about, like, social interactions I've had, which is new to me. And it'll be, like, an interaction I had, like, a month ago and I'll be like, what about that? And I'm like, bitch, what the actual fuck? Like, I thought I was meant to be, like, doing my work, you know? I thought I was meant to be, like, I don't know, writing an email right now and I'm here, like, having a panic attack because...

Was I mean to someone when I accidentally, like, didn't hear them three months ago? I don't know. It's possible. And it's given me a lot of racy thoughts. I would say, like, that's the thing. It's like my thoughts are, like, racing all the time. That's the one thing I would say is, like, I just keep thinking, thinking, thinking, and it's really draining. And I've been thinking a lot about...

forgiveness lately because I realized I don't know what the word means like I think it's different to everyone I think it's subjective like I genuinely think it also depends on the context if it's even a question of forgiveness but I was I was thinking about it because yeah last night I was with my friend and he is like a relatively like newish friend to me like I've known him for like a couple of years and so I mentioned like in passing one of my exes from like three years ago who like

actually no it was way longer fuck me it was like four years ago I mentioned one of my exes from like four years ago and he was like oh is this the one that like did x y and z I was like yeah that girl like like immediately like a little bit riled up yeah that one

And I stopped and I was like, why am I still like annoyed at her? You know what I mean? Like, why do I still not really have forgiveness for her? And why have I come to a place of forgiveness so rapidly, quickly for newer situations in my life?

And I realized that A, I haven't and B, that it is relative. And I thought this was interesting because I genuinely want to know your guys' thoughts on this. Please let me know. This is a question for all of us. We're in this together now. You guys are in hell with me, okay? Is forgiveness relative to understanding of a situation? Because when I think about certain things and...

Certain times people have hurt me. When I genuinely understand why you did what you did. And I don't mean that in the sense that like I understand your intention and I understand what you were trying to do. And I understand where you were coming from, because that's actually not helpful to me. When I talk about understanding, I'm talking about I understand who you are to your core. I know you potentially better than you know yourself. Like I see through you.

I know genuinely why. What led you from birth to make that specific decision? I'm not talking about what you thought was going to happen if you made that decision and what you wanted to happen and how you felt that day. No, no, no. I'm literally talking what the fuck is in your soul that made you do that to me, you monster. To anyone that's ever wronged me, right?

And the same goes for me. If I've wronged someone, what was in my monstrous little soul that made me do that? And I have to understand when it comes to me specifically. I also noticed, just side note, that I am much more inclined to feel anger for myself than I am for anyone else, which is very interesting. But anyway, I digress. I was thinking...

There's a lot of instances where I come to the conclusion of forgiveness almost before I even think the situation through. And I was wondering if I do that. I'm asking you guys. I was wondering if I do that because I don't want to feel what you just tried to make me feel. You just tried to make me feel betrayed, hurt, lied to, small. I don't...

want to feel those things. So I am just going to look at you as a person and understand who you are to your core. And then I'm going to essentially dismiss you because there is no point then worrying about anything you did when I understand who you are, because it's only ever about you, right? Once you understand that no one's actions really are about you, they're about them, it makes life just a lot...

easier and less painful. But I was just wondering, like, there's a relationship from like four or five years ago in my life now that I still feel strongly about that. I still when I think about what happened there, I get defensive and I get scared and I get angry, not angry, but something goes up in me like some heightened emotion, you know, and I don't necessarily even feel sad about what happened because it didn't

you know, kill me. Like, it's okay that that happened and whatever. And I appreciate every learning experience I've had and I appreciate every right and every wrong. But it still makes me scared. Like, when I think about it, when I have to explain it to someone, like what that person did, what they made me feel, I still feel the same emotions that I felt back then, just to a lesser degree. But then there's situations that are newer in my life where I'm like, I mean...

And looking at it from an outside perspective, this may qualify for years of anger and and years of pain potentially from the memory of this. And it's true, it might. But I don't feel those things. And I was like, why? And I wonder if it's because I'm just trying to like not go through the healing process and be like, I'm just going to choose to not give a fuck.

Or if it's because I just understand more now as an adult, like I see people, I see people a little bit more clearly and just like, I can't do anything about you being you, you know, it's just I'm just gonna walk away. Like, I don't know what it is. But I was thinking like, because of what what happened, what happened in my relationship, like four or five years ago, I so deeply didn't understand. And I so deeply was wrong about who I was dating. And that's what fucked me. I was like, whoa, I hate that I was so wrong.

I don't necessarily hate the things that you did. I just hate that I was so wrong about you because now I'm losing my mind and I think that I'm like literally an idiot. And then there's things now where I'm like, what you did, I should be so angry, but I'm just not because I just do understand and I can't feel any type of way about it. ♪

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I was in an interview about a week ago now, and it was for something actually really exciting that you guys will see eventually. I can't.

disclose like what it is but it was it was really fun and I was I was in this interview and we were having a really interesting conversation and she I can't even remember what the question was that she had asked me but for some reason we got onto the topic of like understanding people and I basically said to her like if I don't understand someone or understand why they acted a certain way like it will be my mission I will understand no matter how much time it wastes of mine no matter how much energy I have to put in I will fucking understand don't care how

Don't care when, but I will understand you and I will see you and I will read your soul and then I will put myself to rest. No, well, not like that. Fucking hell. Put myself to rest? No. I will be at rest. I will be at ease. You know what I mean? Once I get it, I get it. Okay. That's no problem. I just needed to know. And I don't know why I feel like that, but I do. And I think...

the reason I've been able to like just not be angry at this phase of my life when realistically I do have some things that I probably could be angry about is because I understand versus the thing that happened to me like a good few years ago now with my other ex like

To this day, I don't understand. Like, I don't know why she did that to me. I don't know why. And I've given her, like, an element of forgiveness in the sense that, like, I don't hold it against her and I wish her the best. And I genuinely just attribute her youth to a lot of the reasons that, like, you were just young. And you were just stupid. You just made a mistake and whatever. But knowing that...

versus feeling that is different. It's like I saw on TikTok, right? I saw this thing on TikTok and it was like, maybe he was evil, maybe he was 18. And that struck a chord with me because I think it's really hard to acknowledge how young you are when you're young. Like even me right now, I don't feel like I'm super young and naive, but I know that in five years, I will realize that me right now is so young and naive. And same when I was 18, I had no idea that I was young and naive. And yet now...

now looking back, I was so young and naive, you know what I mean? And so I think it's hard when you're done wrong by someone in your age bracket, it's hard to acknowledge that they are young and naive at the time because you're the same age as them. And it takes like years of perspective to be able to look back and realize that that 18 year old who broke your heart was not evil. They were just 18. Sometimes they were evil. Don't get me wrong. Some people are genuinely just fucking horrible people. But like a lot of the time, it's just going to be the fact that

you're 18, you know? And it's, unfortunately, it's just that fucking deep. Like that's, that's literally, they were just 18, you know? And, and I can attribute that to why certain people made certain mistakes and hurt me in certain ways. Fine. But it doesn't,

actually bring me to a place of peace because I still just have this body response to like be like almost afraid but yeah I've just been like trying to understand like what forgiveness is like is it from a place of understanding someone so fully that you just can't possibly feel a way about it and that's not to say you can't feel like righteously like angry and upset and hurt and obviously have all the genuine responses that you will have and have to heal from and like the whatever they did to you will have to be fixed that's still true but

but to understand and forgive, like, do you have to be fully healed to forgive? Genuine question. At what point is forgiveness like almost like self-harm? Like, at what point am I just underestimating what happened there to afford you forgiveness? Or at what point am I just seeing you as just a genuine human being and a soul with a mission that

coincided with mine in the wrong way and that everything is completely neutral and there's no real right or wrong and there's no real good and bad and everything is perception and fuck it. Like at what point I have so many different like, like I, my mom always taught me this. My mom is a spiritual lady and growing up she taught me this one perspective. Okay. And she kind of said like she believes that everybody has a soul. Okay.

duh not duh but duh she believes everyone has a soul and that before we come down to earth you have a conversation with your soulmates and that you have many soulmates and they're people who travel throughout lifetimes with you and you have conversations with them like in this lifetime I would like to learn this kind of pain or this kind of happiness and I would like you to be the person who inflicts this pain on me so that you in turn can learn the experience of being

this kind of bad or this kind of evil or this kind of this like, like, you can you get to take up this role and learn that role. And I get to take up this role and learn this role. And in the next lifetime, I'll be your abuser. You know what I mean? Like it's and it's just a learning thing. And you just go through life with various soulmates. And you just have all these experiences. And I don't know what the grand mission of that is. Maybe it's to know everything ever. Maybe it's I don't know. Like, I don't

we never got to the bottom of why it's just that was it's just that was always what my mum said and I don't know if it's always the way to think and obviously like I think it among many other things that I think and believe it's not the only thing I believe but it always helped me to kind of understand that if someone like there's always the possibility that your soul asked to learn this lesson or that

this lesson was somehow destined for you and that this specific person taught you this specific lesson because it was written for you to learn and as painful as it might be and as unfair as you may think it is perhaps that's just what was for you in this life you know and maybe the next one will be way better I don't know I don't I don't know if I believe it that's just one thing that my mom like always kind of taught me growing up was one of her belief systems was that

that and I always found it really interesting and so in a way I always struggle to genuinely ever be upset at someone because I always feel like what if I just always am like at least at the very least if souls are real and I'm inclined to believe that they are then

I feel like they're all inherently innocent and all just on a journey. And I don't personally, at this point in my life anyway, I don't personally believe in an eternal anything, an eternal punishment, an eternal bliss. It doesn't resonate with me at this point in my life. For some reason, I feel like at one point it will. I don't know why. Prediction. Prediction, that's on my 2033 bingo card. I don't know why. But right now...

I'm not particularly religious and that is how I feel. I feel like there's, I just don't feel that there is like, for me personally, I feel like there's just not, I don't know,

I don't live in like fear of that anyway or in like pursuit of it, I guess. And so I kind of hold other people to those same standards. And if there is such a thing as soulmates and if there is such a thing as like multiple lives and if those soulmates come with you through those lives, then it would make sense. And I do know the feeling of knowing someone like so deeply that it's almost like I must have met you before. And my mom, I've told this story before. My mom went to a fucking psychic once.

And the psychic told her that me and her had had a life together before and then gave her this weirdly niche piece of information. She was like, yeah, your last life with your daughter, she got sick as a baby and you left her in the woods to die. You put her under a tree, wrapped her up. And for some reason you had to hide her there. Like she was sick or something. Me. And you would return periodically to feed her until she died. Something like that.

But the point of the story was I died alone and cold under a tree in like the fucking dark ages. And it was just interesting because in this lifetime, as a baby, my mom would have to put me out in the garden under...

a tree in the cold obviously wrapped up in blankets and that was the only way I would sleep as a baby she had to it was this one specific tree in the garden she had to put me under there wrap me up in blankets and go inside and I would fall asleep and she didn't mention this to the psychic the psychic just was like this is this was your past life with your current daughter by the way and my mom was like well that's kind of weird because like I have this fucking kid and she like won't sleep unless she's like outside alone under a tree

And she had said that the reason we had like reincarnated as mother and daughter was because we, that was the relationship we needed to figure out because that was where like our like past life, like trauma quote unquote was. And I don't know if I believe it. I don't know what I believe, but I just think it's interesting. But it fucks me in the, in the, um, in the category of forgiveness because then I'm like, if everyone is just like inherently innocent and here to learn lessons, then I can't be mad at anyone. But this is also, um,

when I start going insane because then I'm like, this is when my spiritual beliefs turn into like, take it easy, girl, take it easy. Because that's also when I'm like, my OCD literally tells me like, you're going to die today. And then I'm like, oh my God, that was like a spiritual warning. And that's when it gets dangerous for me. So tell me if I'm going crazy in this podcast, tell me, be like, girl, it's going too far again.

hey the the pains of being a thought daughter am i right it's actually fucking horrible out here my god but anyways um i'm exhausted all the time like i have so many thoughts in my head every day and it's just treacherous and they all disagree with each other that's the worst part they all fight all my different opinions and thoughts and theories they just conflict with each other every day anyways um

But back to forgiveness, I don't think I'm making a fucking lick of sense. But like, I just struggle to be like, do I actually? Can I be angry about what you did? Because I feel like I'm here to learn. And did I learn? Yeah, I did. You know, go me. But yeah, I just find I mostly I'm just finding it interesting how differently I'm reacting to...

emotions at this point in my life than what I used to and it is my prefrontal cortex developing probably more than anything else I'll be so honest with you like it's just my brain is bigger than it used to be like that's it like I hit my 20s and I started seeing things just like in a normal way

But what was it earlier? I did something earlier and I was like, fuck me. That was actually my prefrontal cortex right there. What was it? I can't remember what it was. Maybe it'll come back to me. But yeah, sometimes I worry when I don't get angry and I don't get like... Like it's not to say that I don't get hurt because I do. But...

When I don't get, like, angry or, like, in any way, like, self-defensy when people do me wrong. Sometimes I'm, like, I think it's just a sign that I'm just growing and I'm just, like, releasing my grip on people. And, like, if you did me wrong, that's on you. It's really nothing to do with me and I have no interest in caring. Like, I just...

that's literally your problem and I'll deal with the hurt and therapy, but there's no need for me to feel any type of way about you anymore. You know what I mean? Like just literally just fuck it. That's nothing to do with me. I think it's partly that which is just growing up and I'm very grateful for it. But then also sometimes I wonder if that is also a way of me being like, I genuinely cannot afford to feel this in its entirety because

and cannot afford to be angry. And so I'm just going to skip that whole step of healing and just go straight to forgiveness. And maybe it's because we're fucking spirits and we're soulmates and you were here to teach me, you know, to fuck around and find out this lifetime. And that was my lesson and I got it, you know. Or if...

if I'm just more pragmatic about things now, if I'm just more grown or if, um, or if I'm avoiding pain or if I am just, um,

busier. Like, what is it in me that's making me so different in my reactions to just people in general? And it is everyone, by the way, like there's, there's been other instances of people where like, they've just little things. I'm like, the fuck is wrong with you for doing that? Like, that was so fucking annoying of you that you just did that. Like, that's my reaction. When three years ago, it would have been an average of three months of me being like,

Now I'm just like, I don't know. You just did. You just did it. I don't know why. Okay, that's your problem. But I hope that it's not because I'm avoiding any type of feelings. But it also could be because, I don't know, really and truly what I should do rather than asking my podcast listeners, it's probably to get a therapist because I don't have one. You guys remember I used to have a therapist and he was like this little old man and I loved him. I genuinely, I loved him and he was great for me at one point of my life.

But when it got to the point where it was like me just desperately trying to explain to him what Instagram is, it was just a little bit benign at that point. I was like, I fear that we might be reaching our expiry date here because it's just like, I feel like my therapist doesn't really need to understand my job, but they also kind of do because I just feel like there's a lot of contextual understandings that like go into everything I'm saying that I just kind of need them to just get, you know, and...

probably a man in his late 70s was not my finest pick for someone who can therapize a young social media user like myself, you know? It was probably actually, like, maybe, if anything, irresponsible of me to be talking to a man about some of the things I was talking to him about because I just know he's not going to get it and it's just kind of dumb. But whatever, I loved him. He was so smart. He genuinely was. I loved him. But, like...

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She just got weird. Like she was just kind of like hyper fixated on my job. And I was like, I don't know why it's pissing me off, but it is like my job really doesn't fucking affect my mental health that much. Like if anything, I just need to like, you know, lower my screen time and like maybe pick up a hobby. I can figure that out by myself, bitch. I'm trying to talk to you about like, I don't know, my one night stand. Like, please, I want to gossip with you. And she just was like, oh, I find that therapists tend to hyper fixate with me on things and it pisses me off.

Because I've talked about this very, very briefly before. My mother has a disability and I actually posted a TikTok vlog of her recently. I think it's the first time I've ever posted my mum. And it was a little bit of a nervy moment for me. But my mum does have a disability and she...

She has always been so capable my whole life. As far as like baby me was aware, my mom was able bodied and like she was amazing. Like she met my entire class when I first went to school as a kid so that they all like weren't like, you know, staring at her and like asking me questions. She came in, she made herself known, like she explained everything in like a kid friendly way.

Like, so amazing. And like, I just never had to deal with any unpleasantness from anyone, like be it at school, be it in public, because I, my mum just,

was like taking the initiative of like let me do the uncomfortable part so that my five-year-old doesn't have to which is amazing she shouldn't have to do that but I'm very grateful that she did um when I was younger and and she didn't have any like needs like I didn't have to do anything that a regular kid wouldn't I was by no means a carer of any kind and we lived a very very normal life and the only time I was ever aware that my mom had a disability was like if we were uh like a

away somewhere that we weren't usually you know around people that we don't usually know and then I would catch other kids staring and that was the one thing that always got me was the staring and I have a very good glare back I have spent my entire life on this earth glaring at children because don't fucking look go fuck away

fuck off. Like, it's very fun. I'm actually not gonna lie. I do get to take out a little bit of my frustration on these children because what the fuck are you looking at? Literally, what the fuck are you looking at? Anyways, so I always find that because I just have this like abnormal aspect of my life, which is growing up with a mother with like a physical disability, they think it is so much fucking deeper than it is. And it

oh my god it irks me and it actually makes me really disappointed and it but it gives me an insight into her generation and like why she will think some of the things that she thinks that I'm like that's not true because like my generation is a little bit different especially about stuff like that but then I speak to these therapists who are like more in her age bracket and I'm like oh you guys are fucking dreadful like what the fuck are you talking about like it's like all they want to talk to me about sometimes and I'll usually cut a therapist off for it because I'm like it I it just makes me annoyed and like

When I tell them my experience with it, which is like, yes, sometimes I would feel hurt for her that kids, you know, would stare. And I became aware of her disability, you know, at age four when I became like fucking conscious. And and then, you know, moving to secondary school was like an adjustment for me because I realized people saw her as different. And that's it. When I tell you that's as deep as it goes, that's as deep as it goes.

And are there stresses that come with having a disabled mother that come in adulthood? Yes. But are there just stresses that come with having like parents that are aging in adulthood anyway? Yeah. Like it's no fucking different. Like I'm just worried about both my parents as they get older. Like they're not old yet, but like that's the feeling I have. And I feel the same way for my dad who's completely able-bodied. And I just try and verbalize to them, like don't fixate on this part of my life. I'm genuinely trying to talk to you about something real that happened to me, which is like...

my dad was a nightmare for five years of my childhood come on now let's talk about the real things and then they'll just sit there and like fixate on the fact that like my mom has like a upper body disability an upper limb deformity and I'm like bitch it's so annoying and then I've also had therapists fixate on all the wrong kinds of things with like work my mom I've had them fixate on the fact that I'm fucking bisexual genuinely get a grip get a grip okay um

How about we talk about the time that I stole someone's iPod and found basically porn on there when I was seven? Okay, how about the time we talk about the fact that I listened to like a sex tape when I was like seven years old because I was on someone's mom's fucking iPod on a school trip and I listened to the entire thing and it traumatized me for life. How about we talk about that? All right, stop fucking bringing up my mom's arms. Like, it's so annoying. Like, there's real issues here.

And I've been struggling to find a therapist who doesn't do any of that. And it's so frustrating because I'm like, I could give you the pointers of where things went drastically wrong for me. OK, the guy know where they are. Stop detouring and deflecting what I'm telling you right now, which is I listened to pornography at seven and I had intimacy issues ever since. How about we talk about that? All right. So annoying. But I do need to be in therapy. I think I think it's

I fear that we may have approached appropriate time for me to seek professional help again. Because I'm honestly at a pretty decent point in my life right now. I feel like I'm very happy. I feel like I have good friends. I feel like I am actively enjoying my life. And I feel like I am dealing with the stress levels in an okay way. Probably not the best, but like could be way worse, you know. And like there's just things I'm like, yeah,

Yeah, like, yeah, like, it's okay. Everything's okay. Bitch, go to therapy. Like, this is right before you crash and burn. Like, for example, I genuinely feel okay. I feel like I'm doing fine. I feel like I'm supported. I feel like I have good things in place for me and I feel like I'm okay. But sometimes my body has to remind me, like, you just put me through something that was real, bitch, and you might be okay. But there's actual consequences to that. There's actual consequences to

to extreme emotional distress. There is actual consequences to you having that much go through your body at once. Like you can't just because you are happier now and just because you are having fun doesn't mean that the trauma someone put you through isn't still within your body. But yeah, I feel like my body has ways of reminding me that like, slow down, bitch. I'm actually still trying to catch up. And I forget that

I just forget that I'm an organ sometimes. Like, I genuinely, it's so easy to forget because, for one, I'm pretty sure that my youth is invincible. I'm pretty sure I'm never going to age or grow up in any way, even though I already have aged and grown up, you know, since...

I was born. So I don't know why I think that that's not evidence that I'm actually not exempt from the effects of time. But regardless, I'm still pretty sure of the fact that I will just be literally youthful forever and that my body will never feel the effects of any stress I put it through and that I will just always be healthy and happy. I don't know why I think that again, stupid, but sometimes I just have to remind myself that I'm in an organ and that organ needs taking care of. And even if I'm happy and even if things are okay, and even if I come

come to a place of fucking forgiveness because I'm pretty sure that souls are all innocent and that I'm here with all my soulmates and blah blah blah that doesn't change the fact that you had an inhumane amount of cortisol in your blood three weeks ago and it's still there and that your blood pressure is insanely high and like that you it doesn't change anything bitch like you you're still gonna have to deal with the repercussions that you basically put yourself through what's that how does that word even work like you're still gonna have to deal with it

You know, even if you're happy, your body is still going to struggle because you put it in a stressful situation and now you have to deal with it. So that sucks for me. I've started taking vitamins. Maybe therapy's next. I started taking fucking gummy vitamins. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And I started taking...

to, I'm such a fat liar. I lied through my teeth to you guys just then. I haven't started taking collagen. I've purchased collagen to start taking. I have yet to take any. But I have it. It's in my car right now. I bought, I wasn't expecting it to be powder. I thought it would be like capsules. But it's like powder and you're meant to like put it in your water. Yeah, yuck.

So need to do that. Need to start taking it at some point. I would love to say that I'm like on this like health journey and this like well-being journey. But I do feel like I feel happy and I feel good. But I also feel like I need to start to genuinely be mindful about certain things that I've been through and will go through continually as like an effect of it so that I don't crash and burn. Because...

As great as forgiveness is, as great as a pragmatic sort of like, I understand and I know what you are and I see all these parts of you and it has nothing to do with me. And that's great. But it doesn't exempt you from the fact that your body needs to be cared for after being stressed out like that or being shocked like that. It won't exempt you. And that's the part that pisses me off the most. Yeah.

pisses me off. So I guess that's like a mission for me. I kind of need... Also, I love these headbands. Just discovered them recently. Who's texting me? Sorry, my sister's texting me because I'm late. We're going to the Ears tour in like an hour and I'm late, late, late, late, late. And I've been rushing all fucking day today. And I'm really stressed out about the Ears tour and I am genuinely like anxious about it because...

I don't like being in big spaces with lots and lots and lots of people. And I just get like very in my head about like what might happen and all the things that could possibly go wrong. And I'm really nervous, actually. I'm really getting so skilled, but it's going to be fine. It's going to be fine.

um I just need to be big brave girl also I'm I'm anxious because I'm taking my family with me and I'm like oh my god they're gonna like get this like weird insight into my life because I never bring my family to like anything that's like related to this like any like room I'm in because I do social media like obviously I'm going to not obviously sorry let me explain I'm going to the ears tour with coach they've they managed to get me these three tickets so I'm going with them and it's like gonna be a little box which is so nice it's

a little bit easier on the anxious soul. So I'm going to be in a box, which is nice. And then a couple of my friends that I just like know will also be in the box.

box who are also going with coach. And I'm like, oh, it's going to be so weird. Like my mom's never met like anyone that I've met because of social media or like my sister definitely has never. So because she lives in fucking New Zealand. So I'm like, wow, it's going to be like this weird the crossover episode for me that is like weirdly deep. But I'm nervous for it. I am also like I'm a huge Taylor Swift fan. But, you know, I am...

Also someone who despises being stuck in a place. It makes me anxious to feel like I can't get out very quickly. So I'm going to have to have a drink beforehand. I'm going to have to break my... I'm on one month no drinking, something like that. I might be lying. I haven't had a drink in a while. And I was kind of proud of it. I was like, yes. Because I learned how bad it is for your heart health. And again, probably don't need to be worrying about that at this stage of my youth. But...

It's a good start young, you know. I learned that it was really bad for your heart health. So I was like, fuck, I need to stop drinking because my family has heart problems. Sorry, that was a necessary piece of context. My entire family dies of heart attacks, which is splendid. So I was like, I should stop drinking, basically.

But I'm nervous. I am nervous for the ears tour. I'm trying not to show it on my face too much because I want my family to have fun. I surprised my sister with the tickets, too. She didn't know that we were going. But I think she kind of knew because I had texted her like months ago, like, hey, do you want to come home for mom's birthday, which is on the 26th? She's like, yeah, I'd love to. And so we started like arranging the flights and stuff. And then I was like, randomly, can you please come for the 16th or whatever?

It's like a whole week before, like 10 days before. And she's like, okay, fine. Like I can. And I was like, yes, perfect. Thank you. And obviously that's the dates that fucking Taylor Swift is here. So that's obviously why I wanted her home. And she probably like hoped for that to be the case. She is the biggest Swifty of them all. She is like genuinely like a mega fan. Yeah.

There's no one I'm like a mega fan of really like to the point of like being within the culture of the fan base. I feel like I'm not at that location with really any celebrity. The only person who I've ever been like that for was and still is Sabrina Carpenter. We all know I'm fucking obsessed with the girl like had a fan account for her when I was younger. Just did just loved her.

was a big fan. And I obviously don't still have a fan account for her. That would be weird. But like, I got to see her in concert for the first time, I think it was the start of this year, or like midway through last year, I can't actually remember. And it was a genuine religious experience for me. It was life changing. And it kind of helped me understand what

these people feel when they like go and see Harry Styles because I love Harry Styles like he's obviously like an amazing musician and also I just like who he is as a person I feel like he's like a responsible role model kind of which is like just nice and I went to go see him I saw Love on Tour and I love his music and I was excited to see him because he's Harry Styles but I wasn't like passionately you know what I mean like everyone seems so passionate like they could be moved to tears by it and

To me, it's an exciting experience, don't get me wrong, but I'm just enjoying the music and the show. But if she is about to feel for Taylor Swift what I felt for Sabrina Carpenter, then I get it. I fully am behind that because everyone deserves to feel that excited over something.

I am really excited to see Taylor Swift though, because I just know from the clips that I've seen on TikTok that I'm going to, I am a fan and I have been a fan for years. Like I've always listened to her music, but I know I'm going to leave a bigger fan than I walked in just based, sorry, the light's horrible, just based off of like the production. Like if nothing else, if you hate her music, it's still a show. Like it's still, it's like, it's like going to the fucking circus. No offense, obviously not calling her a circus act, but like,

You know what I mean? It's like, it's just cool. Like, regardless of if you like or hate her music, I think everyone can appreciate that the bitch does put on a show. That's for sure. Like, she definitely puts on a good show. So I'm excited to see it. And you know how I said that my ADHD medication isn't working, the new pill that they put me on? I am...

reflecting on that statement and I do think it is working because I am functioning at a higher rate than I usually would like I just am getting up and doing things and I am like motivated a little bit more and like but the difference is is this one just it first of all it makes me crash after like four hours because I guess it's too low of a dose and my metabolism is too high but it's also like it doesn't give me focus it makes me like I need to do something like I have to go do something

But I don't want to just do anything. Like, I don't want to go do my work. Like, it's like an anxious motivation. It's like, I have to go do something right now. Whereas the pill I was on before, as almost unpleasant as it was, I almost felt hungover from it the next day. But I was like very much like a...

that's what I'm going to go do. And I'm going to go do it very, very efficiently right now. And then I'm going to do the next thing. And then I'm going to think back to six months ago to that one conversation I had, which I can now, for some reason, remember perfectly and use that information. And I'm going to write a text to that person, you know, like I was very much like on the ball. Like I was like, yes, yes, yes, this, this, this, and this.

And this one is more just like, it's almost just like, like I've had way too much caffeine and I'm like, gotta go do something, but I don't know what to do. And everyone's against me, which is just like, what the fuck? I did talk about it on one of my TikToks and people were like, oh, like it's a long period, like to find out what works for you. Like the people who like say it was like day one was perfect is like just lucky.

And I get it. It's going to be like a process. And my psychiatrist already talked to me about this. They were like, you won't, you know, you might not love it at first. Like you might need a whole different medication. You might need a different dose. Like it'll take some time until you're happy. And I get it. Whatever.

whatever. I hate when things are a process. Pisses me the fuck off. Like I want instant gratification at all fucking times. All times. Always. So annoying. But I am excited that I'm even on this journey because I don't know how I went my whole life without being on these medications because even with all the unpleasant side effects and everything that it does do, it's still better. Like I would still take the anxiety and the needing a nap at 4pm suddenly and the crashing and the

It makes me very irritable. Makes me very, very irritable. At like 4 p.m. when I'm crashing and I need to go sleep and like the pill has worn off, I do get a little bit ratty. And it's something I notice about myself. And then I put it into Reddit because Reddit's giving me every piece of advice I need right now. And I put it into Reddit and apparently it's like a thing which is really annoying. It's really obnoxious. But apparently like some people when it doesn't, the medication like doesn't sit well with their body, like it can make them like a little bit of a bitch.

So I'm like a little bit worried about that part, but we'll find out, you know. All shall be revealed. And guess what guys? Tonight, my dog is having her first ever sleepover. She's going to her friend's house to have a sleepover because we're going to the Eros tour and we're gonna get back so late. So I had to send her away for the night. I kind of need to go in. It's currently 3:42 in the afternoon. We leave at 4:30 to go to the Eros tour and I haven't picked an outfit yet. And I wanted to redo my makeup so that I look like fresher, but I don't know if I'm gonna have time. This makeup is kind of fine though.

kind of fine I don't know I don't just want to look fine I want to look amazing I want to feel pretty and I want to go and have a nice time but I'm just so anxious and again it's this medication that I'm on usually I wouldn't be worked up about something like I would just get anxious when I arrive there that's what I that's how I function that's the difference oh my god I see talking out loud helps I get anxious when I arrive at a location and I'm in a situation and I'm like

this is terrible. I don't usually work myself up in my head about things like what I was saying about the flights to roads where it's going to be like a bunch of kids and I'm like scared that I'm going to like catch something from them just because I'm irrational and kids are germy to me, whatever, sue me. Usually I wouldn't have, I wouldn't be in my head about that. I would be like, it'll be fine. And then if I get on the flight and a kid is fucking throwing up next to me, that's when I would then panic and be like, fuck, you

Usually, I used to work myself up a lot in my teenage years. Now, I don't really. I'm like, I just deal with it as it happens and feel the anxiety in the moment. I don't so much work myself up about something before it happens. That's what started changing in my life. This week, I've been like worrying about things. Because this is the thing, I don't worry. I have panic attacks in the moment. I have panic attacks in live time. For

Like, something makes me panic, I have a panic attack about it right there and then because it's happening to me there and then. I'm not a warrior. I'm not someone who relies on knowing what's going to happen that day or needs to, like, have any information. Like, I'll just have a panic attack if something goes wrong. Fuck it, you know? We ball. But now this medication is turning me into someone who is worried about things. That cannot happen. I... That...

revelation by itself I will be taking to my psychiatrist and I will be requesting a change in medication I'll say this is not the one thing I actually do like about myself if nothing else is the fact that I don't worry about stuff I'm just not a worrier but now I am and that cannot happen because I can't be worrying and still having panic attacks in the moment then my whole life is just going to be about anxiety but yeah I'm actually very fucking stressed okay cool hopefully the Eros tour goes smoothly I'll let you know

I'm excited to see her perform and just like be in her presence in general. I feel like she's like very hard to access. Like she's probably like the most inaccessible celebrity. Like there's so many times when I've been like, I don't know, at a club or like at an event or just like somewhere random. And like suddenly there's like this famous person there. And I'm like, oh, damn, I guess that's just how America works. Like there's just famous people everywhere. But

I feel like you just never hear about like Taylor Swift sightings or like Taylor Swift being out at a park. Like she's never anywhere. The only place you see Taylor Swift is on that fucking stage. Which I,

which I love for her. I feel like that's almost exclusive. She's almost not real because of it. There's so many people that you have the epiphany of like, oh my God, you're a real person. Like Billie Eilish, for example. When you see those little videos of her driving up to her little fans in the car and I'm like, oh, she's real. She was just in

in a location for the reason that she's real. Like, she wasn't doing something there. She's just driving past. She's actually, like, a person with, like,

You know, she woke up this morning and like, you know, pee-pee-poo-pooed. Did Taylor Swift wake up this morning and pee-pee-poo-poo? I can't be sure of that, you know? I am going to have to go inside. I like don't want to stop filming this podcast because then I have to like go inside and get ready for the Eros tour. And for some reason, I'm so nervous. I'm so scared. I'm like a little bit overwhelmed. It's fair to say. Yeah, I have to get off these meds. These aren't working for me. I'm saying it like it's the meds as if I'm like actually not just in a stressful situation. No, it's nothing to do with me or my personality.

at all okay alright time to go um is there anything else I was trying to talk about this week I don't think so let me check my notes okay I think that's it for me my ramblings and my rumblings are done for this week I don't think I made a single lick of sense the entire time and that's okay sometimes fuck it um

You guys brought me comfort this week. Whoa, my air con just switched off. Okay, now I'm literally going to start boiling in this car. All right, I have to go. I love you guys so much. Thank you for listening to me for yet another week. Bequeath my problems unto you guys, as Shakespeare would say. So thank you for coming. Can you tell I'm making a note of...

of speaking in a more British accent. Because if I see one more comment saying I have an American accent, I'm going to lose my mind. Because I didn't understand what you guys meant. And then I had a massage and my masseuse was like, are you American? Okay, the jig is up, right? Bring the cameras out. You guys have had your fucking fun. I don't hear it, but I do know that I...

assimilate to every single accent I'm ever around ever and right now my sister's home and she's like posh as fuck for some reason so I'm speaking more like her and then my friend who I live with T she has like an American-ish accent I think she has like an international school accent kind of I don't actually know what her accent is but it's very American but I don't think it's like I actually don't

I actually don't know what her accent is. I think it's an American accent. Anyway, my friend T has an American accent. And so when I'm around her, I probably do. It's not that I'm speaking like the people that I watch online. I'm speaking like my friend T because I like her. And so I just like steal it, you know. I'm going to put my phone on airplane mode because if I get one more text, I'm going to explode. I'm very highly strong right now. Okay, I love you guys. I love you guys so much. Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. And I will see you next week.

And I will most likely be in Greece by that time. I might have to pre-record because I fear that the Wi-Fi may not be my friend. I'm on a teeny tiny Greek island. So I might be in this car, but just know I'll be in Greece. Just know I'll be on a sun lounger getting a little tan. All right. Love you. See you next week. Love you so much.

And I hope that you are... Hope I didn't stress you out too much this week. I feel like this was a very intense energy. Sorry. All right, love you. Bye. Bye.