Sexuality, friendships, and jealousy [REVISIT]
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Hello everybody. If you can't currently tell by the state of my face, I am so disgustingly unwell right now. Someone coughed on me in Milan and they gave me

I think it's tonsillitis or strep throat. This is the most words I have spoken or plan to speak in the next like, there's not going to be a podcast episode this week. So sorry. I wanted to film in live time over fashion week so that we could have the fun together but God has struck me down this time. I was becoming too powerful that's why. This week's episode of Pretty Lonesome is going to be a rerun of a previously recorded episode because I cannot

speak for an hour my tonsils are full of white and yellow spots and they're about this big this week's episode it was hand selected by me because it's one of my all-time favorites that feels really big-headed to say my all-time favorite episode of myself fuck off right love you guys see you next week um and i will see you next week on pretty lonesome and be there or be square love you bye

Welcome back to this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. This week, I'm going to be dwelling on whether boys and girls can actually be friends. Now, that sounds like the dumbest shit I've ever let leave my mouth because, like, are we in year three? Are we in the third grade? Like, why am I asking that question? Because, like, duh, right? Duh. But I was talking about this with my friend the other day. We basically concluded that you can be friends with them

like platonically, but that sometimes the friendships have differences, right? And I was reflecting on the differences between my friends and like my male friends and my female friends. This, I feel like this episode is going to piss some boys off, but it's fine. The girlies know what I'm saying, right? You guys know that you always have to be mindful of a boy's intentions when they first enter your life, right? There's that saying for a reason that like every

Every girl knows that their guy friends would fuck them given the chance, right? Like that exists for a reason. And I don't believe that it's true in every situation, but I do believe that it is true frequently enough that there needs to be a saying for it, right? The girlies know, right? It's like a thing. Do I feel that way with all of my guy friends? No. Do I feel that way with some of them? Absolutely. And am I mindful of it? 100%.

And I feel like it becomes more of an issue for me whenever I'm in a relationship with an actual boy, because then they're like, why are you hanging out with this guy one on one, blah, blah, blah. And then I get complicated in my head, right? Because like,

I'm bisexual. So technically anyone I hang out with is like, why are you hanging out with them so much? Do you want to fuck them? Like that should be a question, right? It shouldn't just be a question like between me and boys. It should be a question between me and girls. And I can say this with my hand on my heart. I fancy so many more of my female friends than my male friends. And genuinely, I'm like, wouldn't say no. I'm kidding. I would be like, do you know what I mean? Like, why?

women are typically more of a threat to any relationship I may have than like men. Because like I fancy like 99% of the women in the world and I fancy like 0.01% of men in the world. You know what I mean? So, but then I never feel like if I'm hanging out with a girl that I've just met one-on-one and I'm in a relationship, I'm never going through my head like, oh my God, am I doing something I shouldn't be doing? Like, is this, do I need to disclose this to my partner? Like, should I be, you know what I mean? Like,

is this actually okay? Or like, am I kind of going down a path that is a little bit betrayful? Is that a word betrayful? Am I betraying a little bit of trust here by what I'm doing? Like, is there intention behind this? Do I feel that they have a weird intention behind this? Like, should I technically really be doing this if I'm in a relationship? I don't really think about that with girls. But then like, if I just randomly met a guy and like brought him back to my flat for a dinner and like, like things I would do with girlies, like,

and like I didn't know his sexuality and he didn't know mine and whatever like and we hadn't talked about it and there was no reason to think that he wanted to fuck me but like would I low-key think this is weird anyway yes why I don't know because I'm equally friends with girls and boys and bisexual I look at them equally even though I typically fancy women more but like I still look at them equally like you have just as much um potential as anyone else you know what I mean like you're just as much a threat you're just as much a

potential prospect as anybody else. So why do I look at you so differently? You know what I mean? Church's original recipe is back. You can never go wrong with original. It's back.

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but we're just friends and I'm like taking her around to my flat like my partner's not there I'm kicking her dinner we're drinking wine would I be like this is probably wrong no it probably wouldn't even cross my mind so I'm like why do I only think about this with guys and I think the thing is right I didn't even know about jealousy until I dated a man because when I was with my ex who was a woman like I

She would go out with her friends all the time that were like gay and bi and like it wouldn't cross my mind to be like, what are you doing? You can't do that or like have any kind of issue with it because what am I going to do? Tell her she can't have friends. And what is she going to do? Tell me I can't have friends. Like the world completely changes based on the partner that you have. And like there are such different norms surrounding what is OK to do and what is not OK to do based on if you're dating a man or a woman.

But like, and then when I was dating my ex was a woman, would I even have been concerned if I was hanging out one on one with a boy? Probably not. Like, the realm of jealousy in queer relationships is a completely different situation. Like,

because the lines are blurred like they're not even blurred there's just no lines like what are you going to do what are you going to say where is the boundary every single thing that you do in a queer relationship or anything other than like a straight relationship is very much you make the rules because there isn't really the same blueprint like there's not the same norms or like the same norms shoved down your throat at the very least of like what is right and what is wrong in one of those relationships and you kind of have to just figure it out for yourself

I think, like, depending on who you date in the early days of you being queer will kind of set the map for you in that one because...

I think you kind of make your own rules early on and then you kind of have to feel like that's your norm moving forward and you can deconstruct it, obviously. So it's interesting. I don't really have a conclusion for that, by the way. I'm just making statements. I'm just confused. I'm genuinely asking for advice here because now I'm kidding. I kind of know what I feel like. But like if I'm hanging out with a guy and say I'm in a relationship, right, why do I not treat that with the same level of respect?

intimacy as I would treat a relationship with one of my female friends. Like with a female friend, even if she's bi and I'm bi and I'm in a relationship and she's in a relationship, we might curl up in my bed and watch a movie. No weird shit. And it wouldn't be weird and it wouldn't feel disrespectful and it wouldn't feel wrong and we wouldn't feel like we had disregarded or disrespected our partner's trust, right?

I would do that. I mean, not with everybody because some people are fucking weird, but like I would do it. I trust myself to behave like that and it not be weird. You know what I mean? And if I have a partner that's not super jealous or kind of like has had bad experiences with things like that, then it would be fine, right? Like I personally wouldn't have any qualms over it. But am I going to do that with a boy even if he's in a relationship and hasn't been weird towards me?

Not really. Like, what is the difference? Why is there like, there obviously is a difference. Like, I don't, I cannot put my finger on what it is other than like, social constructs. Like in the privacy of my own home, is there social constructs? I don't know. Why do I still follow them? I don't get it. But I definitely act differently between my guy and my girlfriends. Like 100% is different. But then I was talking about this with my friend and I was actually like, hold on though, because

I think I actually... Like, I used to kind of joke about, like, hating men and yada, yada, yada. And, like, there definitely are men out there that I hate, but I've healed, and, like, I no longer apply that to, like, all men of the world. But I also don't blame myself for the time in which I did, because that was a valid reaction to, I don't know, my life experiences. But, like...

I don't anymore. It's just not the way that I feel. But like still logically in my head, I am more cautious towards men until I know what they're about. Whereas with women, even though I have met some women that are more evil than the worst man I've ever met. You know what I mean? Like maybe they hurt me less personally, but they are certainly more evil, more conniving. Like some, I have met terrible men. I've met terrible women, yet I'm consistently still a little bit more cautious about

of men, right? That's just the way it is. No offense. But and I think that that's a fair enough way to be right. So like, when I meet girls, I am less afraid of who they are as a person. Like I just I'm just less wary of them. Like for example, the other week I went out to this event, it was like a Jimmy Choo thing. I met this girl. I've never met her before in my life. Never seen her.

And she came to say hi. And I literally hung out with her for the rest of the night. Like, I just liked her energy so much. She reminded me of two of my other friends. It's like, that's a good sign. And I just really liked her. And like, I, it just didn't cross my mind once to like dive too deep into who she was or what her intentions were. Like, why would I care? Like, we're just hanging out at this party, right? But then I was like, hold on. Like, if that had been a guy and this guy had come up to me and we had hit it off,

like, would I have been like, wait, what's going on? Like then like an hour into meeting him, I'm like, oh, can you hold my coat? I'm going to go grab a drink. Like I was doing this guy, I'd be like, oh, do you mind? Like, could you hold my purse? Could you hold my bag? Like, hold my bag. Like, I think my point was, is that because I'm more intentional about the,

friendships that I create with men, like with women, even though I fully acknowledge that women can be terrible and evil and scary, like I am just more like, woo, like the more the merrier, like come on into my life. Like I'll evaluate you later. You know what I mean? And then like with men, the second they try and breach my little personal space circle, I'm like, whoa, what are you doing here? Like, you know, name, date of birth, please. Like what the fuck? And so, yeah,

the male friendships that I have created and hold close like I don't really have male acquaintances like I have male friendships like people that I trust and love very deeply I don't have so many male acquaintances whereas I have like hundreds of female acquaintances like I love them but like I don't really have male acquaintances you know what I mean like I either fuck with you or I don't and

So my two best friends that are boys, they are probably, I say this with caution, the smartest and kindest people in the world, in my world at least. Like I genuinely love these boys. They're going to watch this and it's going to piss me off. But like, I love them so much. And it's just luck that I met them. I met them at my university accommodation. They just happened to live in the same building that I lived in and we became friends.

When I tell you, I have like literally never met

such just nice people in my life like they've just and they've never once like they just don't have anything wrong with them like it's a little bit freaky I don't know what it is and like I've never ever like had that thought process of like oh these are boys like I don't know and I don't really think like that anyway like I it's really not that much of a conscious cycle for me anymore it's more just subconscious between like women and men because I've kind of matured out of

giving a fuck really and like I feel like I can just trust my instincts to know when someone's good or bad so like it's it's I'm making this podcast it's actually like scraping nails down a chalkboard because I'm trying to vocalize things that just happened for me subconsciously now but I know that they happened for me consciously when I was like a 19 20 21 so I'm like trying to go back in time and like remember how I used to feel and think but it kind of feels immature for me to sit here and be like oh boys and girls and oh

But like, I don't know, it's also valid because like I do still feel differently a little bit towards my friendships with men and women. But like to be fully transparent with you, the friendships that I've created with men are probably healthier than any other friendships in my entire life because I've plucked them out of the population specifically. You know what I mean? Like they are the most cherished people to me, probably because I also put up with a little bit less from men. I don't know. Like,

Do I or do I have I just been really unlucky like the last guy that I was like there was like a new friend for me gave me the ick so fucking badly I genuinely had to fake a family emergency just to get away from hanging out with him because he wouldn't go away. It was the most traumatizing experience of my entire life and like it was nothing to do with.

Actually, it had everything to do with the fact that he had a penis. Like, I personally don't see that much of a difference between my genuine male friendships and my genuine female friendships. And it pisses me off a little bit whenever, like, someone has something to say about it. Like, if, say...

I don't know, like, I see it more with my friends that are in relationships where they'll be, like, hanging out with another guy and then their boyfriend is like, well, why do you need to hang out with him? Or, like, why do you need to hang out with him one-on-one? And I see it on TikTok all the time of, like, why does my partner need to hang out with someone one-on-one? Like, there is no need for them to do that with someone of the opposite sex. And I just sit and I'm confused because I'm like, but this only is a problem for straight people. Like, it is literally just you guys. Like, it is not a problem for...

for the rest of the population. It is literally a straight person problem. Like why should my man hang out with a female one-on-one? Like bitch, I don't know, 'cause he's a fucking human. Like it pisses me off so much. And this is why I think that I would probably wanna date a bisexual

guy or girl in the future because like that that's been in a full-on queer relationship before like with another man or with another woman because they get that there's different boundaries with jealousy i'm so sure of it because like i've never experienced that and like with my ex okay yes i did get cheated on fuck off guys it's like that was her problem though like jealousy doesn't stop you getting cheated on no it does it kind of does

important boundaries do. Intrigued. I will bring this to my therapist. See, this is why these episodes are so good. Because I start talking and then it's like my faults are just staring at me and I just can't ignore them anymore.

But it really is. No, I stand by my point that like, why does my partner need to be alone with this and that? Like, shut the fuck up. Also, like if the only thing stopping your partner from cheating on you is being alone in a room with someone with a genitalia that they want to fuck, then you probably should fucking leave them. Now, I also get the perspective because I saw this on TikTok the other day and the comment section was controversial. But basically it was this guy going up to his wife and she was like holding their baby. And he was like,

babe would you ever cheat on me and she was like absolutely and he's like what but like it's a skit though but like they've obviously planned like it's not a skit but they've like planned this video he's like wait what and she's like I would absolutely cheat on you because I'm a human with desires um

but I would absolutely never put myself in a position to cheat on you. She was like, I know my levels of temptation. So I just don't ever have one-on-ones with other men. Like I don't sit alone with other men. I don't indulge in conversations with other men because I know that I'm a person who falls to temptation. So I just wouldn't do it. She was like, yes, I would absolutely cheat on you, but no, I'm never going to. And I was like, damn, that is so fucking mature. If someone said that to me, I'd vomit. I'd vomit like so violently right on their feet. And then I would sob and cry and scream and yank my hair out.

But I would also respect their honesty and their maturity and I would probably thank them. But like, oh my God, I would projectile vomit like immediately. I was like, God, that is so brave of them. Like...

Because that's what it comes down to, I suppose. Like, if you're actually going to be in a relationship with someone, you have to acknowledge the fact that, yeah, they're going to have eyes for other people because they're not brain dead. Like, you don't want to date someone that's brain dead. They're going to have eyes for other people. It's about them not going after those other people. And that is painful. But I don't understand, like... I mean, I get it. Like, to an extent, you have to kind of not put yourself in a position where temptation is going to, like, before you. You know what I mean? And, like, even...

There's one thing is not giving in to temptation, but the other is like putting yourself in a position to feel it. So you want to be a marketer? It's easy. You just have to score a ton of leads and figure out a way to turn them all into customers. Plus manage a dozen channels, write a million blogs and launch a hundred campaigns all at once. When that's done, simply make your socials go viral and bring in record profits. No sweat.

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There is levels of it. Like, I respect that you have temptations that you don't give into, and that is just a sign of maturity, and it's an inevitable part of life and relationships. But also, if you're always putting yourself in a position to feel those temptations, I'm kind of pissed at that as well. But then I don't want to lock you up in a cage. I guess it just depends how horny the person that you want to fuck with is. But, like, for me, I like someone that kind of is. No, that's bad. You can't put that in. No, you can. It's fine. Like, I kind of feel like...

it depends how like sexually motivated the person that you want to marry or be with is like,

are they going to be tempted all the time by other people? Or are you dating someone that literally just has eyes for you? Because the eyes that a person has on them, right? If they have eyes for you or if they have eyes for other people as well, I don't think it really reflects them as a person. So they could have every single need of yours met. They could have every single box that you want to tick, tick. You could love them for better or for worse, right? But they're still going to have eyes for other people because it's like, that's almost like a separate part of your being. You know what I mean? Because like I could have very strong and strict morals about how I'm going to treat a partner and,

why and how I'm not gonna cheat and like how I'm gonna go about never cheating and why I don't feel like that's right and why this and why that have all these morals but then I'm still a human with a dick at the end of the day and like I might still find ways to feel that temptation all the time doesn't mean I'm gonna like go forward with it but like

It could be a completely arbitrary part of a person, how much temptation they feel versus what they're going to do about it. You know what I mean? And some people are just literally pea brains, feel a temptation and then do the thing.

Do you want to like, what the fuck? Like, how genuinely stupid do you have to be? Like, I'm sorry, but if you do that, I am actually looking at you like you're an ape. Like, you felt one temptation and then you just did the thing.

Like, there wasn't years of evolution, thousands of years of evolution to stop you being that fucking primal and fucking stupid. Like, that has got to be the biggest ick of all history. Like, yeah, I know, like, politically cheating is wrong, but I'm talking, like, guttural ick. Like...

You, like I'm talking, like say it's a man that's cheated. You went out, you saw a sexy girl and you had a little temptation to fuck her. And so you just like an ape got your dick out and put it in her, obviously with her consent. But like, you just like felt need do and did. You just did. You just did. And like, as if you don't have

literally one of the most spectacular brains the planet has ever seen. A brain capable of understanding gravity and fucking neuroscience and has literally mapped out the entire fucking universe as we know it, right? You have the same brain, the same neurology, if that's the correct word for the situation. You have the same brain

ability to form neural pathways as Albert Einstein and you went out and you saw girl you saw and then you put dick in girl at expense of entire human sanity and like the major loss of enormous parts of your life and their life

You just went out, felt temptation, and did thing. That genuinely makes me want to die. Like, what do you mean?

Anyway, side note, I'm actually free bleeding right now and still have no furniture in my flat other than the chair I'm currently sat on. I have nothing. And I'm getting a little bit concerned because my sofa is okay. I keep thinking everything's going to be fine once my sofa gets here, like my flat will be complete. I've not ordered anything else. Like, girl, I think you need more than a fucking sofa, like maybe a rug, coffee table, whatever.

I don't know, more than one sofa, perhaps two, like maybe a chair would be nice in the living room. You know what I mean? Like, I keep thinking like, yeah, it's gonna be so great once my sofa gets here. No, it's not. You need more than that. Please get more than that. Also, all my clothes are still in boxes. I haven't unpacked anything. And I have this removals man coming tomorrow. No one cares. He's gonna get rid of my wardrobe because it's funny. And then I can paint my bedroom walls, even though I haven't painted yet. I need to go out and get some.

I, okay. So back to what the fuck I started this podcast about, I just feel like men and women have very different relationships. And, but then I'll, I know people will say like, I can appreciate the point of view where people are like, well, literally physically we're different. Like we have different hormone cycles. We have slightly different brain chemistry. Like, yes, I believe that we're all intelligent enough to overcome those things, but it's like, they still exist. You know what I mean? Like we still do have innate differences, men and women.

And like, I get it, but I also hope that like, it doesn't have to control everything. So like, when I'm talking about it, I'm like, in two minds, I'm like, we are intelligent enough that it doesn't need to be this way. Boy, fuck girl, boy, impregnate many women as possible as to expand population size and take no accountability for women.

or adapting to modern society just use excuses about chemistry and biology, you know what I mean? How are you going to sit there and argue insanity, essentially? Basically, like, no, men are cut out for this, women are cut out for this. It's biology. So you're saying you're smart enough to understand fucking chemistry and biology to a high level, you're claiming, yet too stupid to overcome innate desire to fuck bitches? Like, what is wrong with you?

Me too, though. Anyway, so I have a lot of female friends that I met through dating, right? Like I would go on one date with them, maybe even sleep with them, wouldn't work out. And then I'd be like, well, we got on really well. It's just obviously it's not a relationship kind of thing. But like, and then we've stayed friends. And those have been some of my best friendships. Like the girls I've met that way are the funniest people. And it leads to the funniest friendship ever. What the fuck was my point? I always do this. I forget what the hell I was saying. Oh my God, I've started to spin.

I've started spin. I know. Isn't that crazy? Like I genuinely feel like a new person twice. I've done two classes, each one I've got up at 634. I know. This morning I was late and I was texting my friend. She was like, bitch, they're not going to give you any shoes. You have to get here with at least five minutes before the class. And I was like, fuck.

so I sprinted and I must have got there in about four minutes. Like I genuinely think I broke a record. Like I ran, it was very embarrassing. I'm very grateful for English winter because it was still pitch black at 7am this morning. And so no one could really see me running through the middle of fucking London to get to my spin class. Like it was not a quiet hour. Like people were awake. They were going places. It's Monday. And I was sprinting and I made it

before her. Like I get there, I'm like sweating, getting my shoes and I'm texting her like, oh my God, I can't believe that I made it with 10 minutes to spare. I literally made it. And then she saunters in behind me and she's like, oh, I just got here.

The only thing that propelled me to run at that hour was the look on your face when I arrived. So what do you mean you just got here? I thought I was going to burst through these doors and see you look shocked because 30 seconds ago I texted you that I was still leaving my flat and now I'm in the room with you and you're not even impressed. Pissed me off. Anyway...

I quite enjoy spin. Not very good at it because I've realized I have all right cardio. Like I can, I can breathe for a while, but my knees cut out like within five minutes, my knees are like, I genuinely cannot, like they will buckle. It's really bad.

But I like spin because you don't have to be smart for it. The thing that I struggle with with sports is that I'm genuinely quite like a little bit stupid. And I know that I say in like every podcast that I fucking hate stupid people and stuff. But like secretly, I only hate them because I'm projecting and I am one of them. My thing with sports is that I don't get the rules of it. Like I remember in year seven or eight, which is like the sixth and seventh grade,

We moved schools, or we, who the fuck is we? I moved schools and then this school played rounders, which is, I don't know if they have that anywhere else in the world, but the UK. Rounders from my understanding, which is extremely limited, is a lot like baseball. Again, I think I'm wrong, but I hated that game so fucking much. I did not understand the rules. Someone would throw a ball and then you had to go get it. Why? And then someone had to run from base to base. Why? And netball, don't even get me started.

I never knew what court I was supposed to be in. Like, where can I remember before every time we would play netball, I would ask the girls, so which square or circle can I go in? And they would just glare at me because I didn't do my homework. And apparently there was homework for it. Like, I don't know. Yeah. I've never understood sports.

And at school, I used to do track, like track and field, the running one, because there were no rules to that. You just go. And as long as you roughly know where to stop, you've not fucked up. You know what I mean? You just have to go. And so I always understood that. So that was my sport that I would do. And I didn't take any of the rest because I genuinely couldn't understand it.

And I protested so hard. Like, I mean, a lot of students protested physical education, but like I protested on a level that was just quite unique, really, to the point that they let me stop doing it in year eight, which is unheard of. It's actually kind of illegal. They're meant to exercise you for a certain amount of hours a week. Not me. I would just sit down with a booklet.

I did PE from the book. Like it was insane. I haven't taken a sporting class since I was genuinely about 12 years old. I just fucking point blank refused. Like it's very hard to make me do something that I don't want to do. And PE was something that I just specifically did not want to do. Like, and it wasn't even so much that I didn't understand a single thing about the sport that I was playing. It was also about the fact that I had to get out of my school uniform and put on PE uniform.

Which is just too much of an ask, I think. Like, it was always fucking cold. Like, it's always cold in the UK. It's always fucking cold. And they had us wearing skorts. And I have knobbly knees, so they looked silly on me and nothing ever fucking fit me properly. So I was wearing this silly little pleated blue skort with my big knees out, ugly ass fucking shoes.

And I remember my shoes would smell bad too. Like I would pull them out the bag and I'd be embarrassed immediately. And like, I never cleaned my pee kit. Like, I'm so sorry. Like I wasn't one of those people that smelled bad. Like I definitely did not have a smell. Like my mom would not have let me walk around like that. But like, it would probably smell like damp. You know what I mean? Like all my shit was always damp. Like I'd never stored it properly. It'd been in my locker for like a month. Like it didn't smell like BO, but it would have definitely like had a scent and like the scent would have been wet. And...

And like, they would try and make me wear that in like five degree weather. And they'd be like, you'll warm up soon, girls, like you're going to play netball. And then that sentence would just really make me want to do something unspeakable. You know what I mean? And then I would ask the girls, like, guys, how do I play this game? And they would be like, you should know. And I was like, that's so unfair. And then I remember one time everyone was so sick of me. Like I was so fucking lame. It was actually kind of embarrassing. I did. I was not.

I didn't, no one wanted me around. And then I remember, and like, I had a friend, like I had friends, right? But they were not in my PE class. We had these things called bands at my school. So like half of the group was in like M band and half the group was in K band. I'm pretty sure those are our letters. And I'm pretty sure I was in K band and my best friend was in M band, which meant we had nothing together, not one class. So I was completely alone in all my classes and in PE specifically, which is the important one because I,

that's where you need to pair with people all the time. And I remember one time we were playing hockey and I was not good at hockey. Like I would run from the ball because it's fucking scary. What the fuck? Like that thing is hard. And those girls hit it with serious teenage girl anger. And these girls fucking hated me. They, they, they did not like me. And I know PE teachers are known in the UK, at least I think in America as well for being fucking cunts. Like,

what is wrong with them? So it's like a popularity thing, I think. Like they were never liked, or no, they were liked at school, but like they peaked, so they've gone back, or they weren't liked at school, so they've gone back to try again. My PE teacher, she was definitely one of those kids, like fucking loved school, ate that shit up.

wanted to be in with all the teen girls this bitch had it actually in for me like i would walk into the dressing room and she would just like glare at me like for no fucking reason like she absolutely loathed me and it was because every day i would walk up to her and present an exemption card because there was no way i was going into the cold in a skirt like get fucked like it's actually inhumane and you know what my sick notes always said when i try to get out of pe as i

I don't know if I want to put this online, but I went to one of those spas that used to be everywhere with the fish. You remember those? They're fish in the little foot well and they would nibble the dead skin off your feet and they were very abusive to fish, but also pretty sure they ended up getting banned for health and safety because they were passing so many diseases between people. Anyway, I went to one of these fucking foot spas for one of my friend's fucking birthdays and I came out

with 30 Verrucas, more probably. I remember so vividly, I had one toe, I'm so sorry, one toe that was literally just Verrucas.

They were all over my feet. It was actually disgusting. And I had to get them frozen off twice weekly for like multiple months running. And it was on Tuesdays and Thursdays. And those are the days I had PE class. And so I would very smugly go get my fucking little toe warts frozen off in the morning and then walk up to my PE teacher and be like, sorry, miss, can't possibly play netball later because I've just had 30 verrucas frozen off my feet.

Love you though, obviously sad to miss it. And she would just glare at me and I'd just say, yeah, fuck you. And then I remember one time we went down playing hockey. Obviously I'd got rid of all my Verrucas and I had to play again. This is why I know she fucking hated me, right? Because she used to let the most popular girls like captain every team. But then the sadistic part was that she'd be like, right girls, now choose your team. And she would make them call people one by one. So there were two girls, right? Two teens, say there's like 15 of us in the class.

two girls heading the teams and they're going, I want Molly. And then the other one goes, I want Hannah. And then the other one goes, I want Millie. And then the other one goes, I want Shelby. And then little Madeline is stood there at the end, like who's going to take me? And I remember it so vividly this one time, everyone knows I can't do sports. Everyone knows I don't want to be there. Everyone knows I'm shit the game.

And they've picked me last. Like, no, they've not picked me last. This is the point. I'm still stood there. Everyone's got their team. And then the teacher is like yelling at these two girls. She's like, one of you has to take Madeline. And they literally bickered between the three of them, these two teen girls and the teacher about who was going to have me on their team.

And eventually the teacher picked for them because they could not come to a conclusion between the two of them. And I don't remember which of their teams I ended up being on, but I do remember the sigh that came out of her mouth when the teacher said that I would be on her team instead of her friend's team. Villain origin story, actually, like genuinely, stuff like that, like it affects you. It is amazing.

I am so afraid of the gym because I just know I look fucking stupid. Like, I just feel so ridiculous every time I go. Also, I literally came on my period while I was in spin today. Is that why I started talking about spin? I think it is. Like, I completely forgot that I was G1 and I, like, woke up 6 a.m., went to spin. And then, like, midway through, I get the most heinous, wretched period cramp. And I'm like...

like, whoa, that's crazy. I completely forgot. And I know once I get that exact cramp that I'm going to bleed. Like there's a very minimal time between that specific pain that I get and the floodgates opening. And I was like, oh fuck, like I'm in the middle of spin. Luckily we made it. But like, and then I went out for a coffee with my spin friend afterwards and we got coffee. And as we're sat there, I'm like, and I had to literally run home. I was so fucking embarrassed. Like me, I was wearing black legging, so it didn't really matter. But like,

It really just reminded me that I am in a flesh cage. Like always the first day of my period, I sit and I contemplate the fact that I genuinely am made of things. Like I'm made of flesh and I just always have blood pumping around my body. And also like I always have a little bit of wee and like poris and poopies inside of me too. And also like, okay, I have emetophobia. I hate saying that word. I genuinely hate it. That word is like triggering to me. But like I have a fear of puke, right?

And the day that I realized that I constantly, I'm sorry, if you have a really big fear of sick, don't listen to this because you might not be ready for the epiphany. But the day that I realized that you always have vomit inside of you was crazy to me. Like the day I realized that my worst fear has been with me all along.

in a really weird way soothed me because when I see vomit on the street, I'm like super fucking uncomfortable. Like it genuinely could like ruin the next couple hours of my life. It used to ruin days and weeks and months and years of my life. But like now I've got it down to a couple of hours. But like it really makes me uncomfortable to see it or to like remember that it exists like that, like to be affronted with it in such a way. But then I realized like it's actually in me all the time, like almost all the time.

just like inside my stomach. It made me feel weirdly better. I don't know why. Like it made me feel worse initially and then it started to make me feel better. I was like, God, it can't be that scary then. Like I literally have it in me right now. That is insane to me. Like that is so fucking crazy to me. Like my biggest fear, the thing I run from, the thing that ruins my life, I've been in therapy for it for years. I used to be completely housebound. Like I will have a panic attack if I eat anything that I think could make me ill.

if I start to feel funny, if my stomach starts to hurt, like panic attack, genuinely, like it runs my life. And then I also have it inside me right now. And I'm just completely relaxed. Wild. Like that's actually wild. Like I feel so proud of myself for having puke in me. Anyways, I get these really bad butt cramps on my period. And I am currently actually starting to experience one and it's violently uncomfortable. They may

I can't sit down when I have one. They make me jump off the toilet seat. Like I remember the cape. I don't know why I have like such bad cramps. Well, actually I do. It's because I have PCOS. Like I know butthole cramps are like normal quote unquote for women. Like I know it's a thing that people get without having any serious disorder.

but the way my butthole seizes up is not acceptable like I it's like lightning bolts like you could just be stood there so innocently and it's it's a pain you can't run from like for some reason it makes you want to run or move in some way to relieve it there's nothing you can do and for me it kind of makes you I'm so sorry this is really to my but like for me it makes me want to like shit and like I'm not like like diarrhea cramps like you know when you need a shit but like

like the pain in your butthole is like, there's got to be some kind of relief. And naturally you would assume that maybe you need to shit or something. But like, I have been in situations before where I've tried to shit whilst I'm on my period and the lightning bolts go in my ass and I genuinely leapt off the toilet. Like, and like, I remember one time when it was really fucking bad. I don't know why it was so bad at this point in my life.

or how it got better. Like, I don't know what changed. I think I stopped eating starch so much around my period because my friend said that that helps. But anyway, I jumped off the toilet in pain, crying, like physically making noise. I was in that much pain and fell into the fetal position on the floor and nearly blacked out because my butthole hurt that much. And it wasn't even pain in my stomach or around my ovaries or whatever. It was just my butthole.

So anyway, I hope that leaves you with some nice thoughts in your head for this week. That was kind of it from me on this week's episode. I will see you guys next week. Okay, I love you guys so much. Have a good day at work or if we're going to bed, have a nice sleep. I love you so much. Just don't tell anyone. I trust you guys. Okay, I love you so much and I will see you next week. Okay, all right. Love you. Bye.