questions for royalty
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Hey guys, welcome back to this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. This week, I have to give you a little bit of context because it is currently 1.04 in the morning and I am filming this podcast now. I've had a very strange and long day and I was meant to film this before, but I sat down to film my podcast and I realized I didn't have a microphone. So I apologize if the...

audio on this one is weird I'm using some random microphone I got on Deliveroo if you're American that's basically DoorDash so forgive me if it's weird I just hope it's good I the reason part of the reason I'm up so late right now and I can finally say this on the podcast because it means that my mom isn't gonna like find out before she's meant to find out because it's happening now I have been for the last month or two studying

secretly planning and orchestrating a massive surprise for my mum, which is my sister is coming home. My sister lives in New Zealand and we haven't seen her in a really long time. And I know my mum misses her a lot. And it is my mum's 26th birthday coming up in basically a week, just maybe like nine days, I think is her birthday.

So I decided that I was going to bring my sister back from New Zealand to surprise my mom. And I've never orchestrated something like this before, but I have been biting my tongue so hard. So it's my mom's birthday in like nine days, right? And today she said to me, Hi!

I just keep having to remind myself that, you know, Jess isn't going to be here for my birthday. Jess is my sister. And I got so sad. And I was like, yeah, it sucks. Sucks. Sucks. Sucks. Sucks. Sucks. That's rough. Um...

I'm so excited because I can't tell if she knows. Also, I feel like my hair is genuinely giving like ballet dance. I'm sorry. I decided to put my jacket on because I thought that it would make me less ballet dancer vibes, but it's actually made it worse. Okay, cool. So anyways, I guess we're going with the ballet vibe. So I kept having to be like, oh yeah, such a shame. Like she's not coming.

don't know what to say. She wasn't here last year on my mom's birthday. The thing about that, last year on my mom's birthday, she never mentioned, oh, I wish Jess was my birthday present this year. She never said that. So I'm like, you know something. I know you know something. I know you definitely know that

something's going on because there's no reason. I haven't slipped up. My sister hasn't slipped up. No one's told her anything. So I'm like, how do you know that my sister could be a birthday present for you? Regardless of the fact, I think she's getting suspicious, but here is my grand plan. And here's what I've been orchestrating tonight. Hence why I'm up so late. I've also had a crazy busy day, but my plan is as follows.

I will pick her up tomorrow morning from Heathrow Airport at like 6am. By the time you're watching this podcast, I will be literally... By the time you guys see this podcast, because I'm literally filming it the day before, you will be seeing it as I'm picking my sister up, which is kind of fun. So if you're watching this right as it's been posted, just know that's what I'm doing. So I will be picking my sister up from the airport. And then I am going to drive us both back to my mum's house, because I'm in London, but I'm going to drive all the way back to my mum's house. And I'm going to go in the house and be like...

mom, I forgot my camera. Can you please help me look for it? Something like that. I want my mother to notice exactly what I'm wearing because, and stay with me here, because it is not difficult for my mother to despair, to put it lightly, at the things that I put on my body. She just genuinely, almost, I would say like 50% of the things I wear, she will be like, your face is so pretty. Why would you put that

Why would you put it with that outfit? You know what I mean? And hey, I understand. Okay, some of the things that I wear are atrocities. Like I, some of the things I wear are questionable, you know, but it works for me because I'm going to wear something that I know she will find directly offensive and will be like, why are you wearing this?

and I think it's going to have to be like a pink Udi. That's like what I'm coming up with in my head because I just know she'll be like, really? And I'll be like, yes, it's fashion, mother. I'm going to wear something that she is going to notice and comment on. And then I'm going to make her look for my camera. I'm going to stress her out. I'm going to be like, go upstairs, look for my camera, please.

Obviously, I'm not going to speak to my mother like that. At which point, I'm going to go check in my car. I'm just going to go make double shorts not somewhere in my car. Then I'm going to go to the car. I'm going to swap outfits with my sister so that...

And then she's going to put her hood up and she is going to go back in the house, which I will have rigged with cameras. I will closely follow behind with my phone and film her. And then she's going to start talking to my mom as if she's me. Like, have you found it yet? And then slowly but surely, slowly, slowly, catchy monkey, my mother will turn around and realize, hey, that doesn't sound like Mads. It's the other one. ♪

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We look very, very similar. And we have both have brown hair, but she has short hair and she is taller than me. So we have to be careful. But I think it's a flawless plan. And I'm just so excited to see my sister. And usually when we greet my sister, when she does visit home, my mom always gets the first hug. And as she should, that's her baby. But I never get the first hug. And I always am like, I know you deserve that. I know that's your baby, but I want to hug her.

And now I get hold of myself at the airport. And it's kind of making me sad because I know that once my mom stops crying about the fact that she's got her baby, she's going to be like, you didn't let me come to the airport with you. Like, I know for a fact my mom is going to be mad about the fact that she didn't get to greet her off the plane. But I don't care because I get to. So I think she's going to be happy with her surprise. It's she's going to see my sister on the 16th and her birthday is not till the 26th.

So I think it's kind of like enough time in between now and her birthday that like, even if she suspects that I'm bringing my sister home, she wouldn't think it would be tomorrow because it's so kind of like soon. And like my sister wouldn't be able to like take that much time off work. And like she would expect my sister to stay like over her birthday and like a few days after. And it's like, I don't know. I just think like,

I think we're in good timing. I think time is on our side. And then what neither of them know is that I have planned so much. Okay, not so much stuff, but I've planned two major activities. Three actually major activities, but really just two exciting ones that we are going to do. And they are... One is a surprise for my sister and one is a surprise for my mother and my sister. Neither of them know about either. So...

I am like literally rubbing my hands together with it. And I think that it's going to be so much fun. And unfortunately, I can't tell you what the activities that I've planned for them are because they will potentially watch this podcast. They probably won't, but God forbid they do. Don't.

watch it but if they were to watch the podcast then I would just ruin it so we're not going to tell you guys but you guys will see our vlog everything obviously and I'm so excited because this time last year I don't even remember what I got my mom for her birthday because I still just didn't like have very much money and I remember that her like birthday day celebration was um

We just went for like Italian food. And as lovely as that is, I, it is my greatest pleasure in life is to spoil my mom. I just always want to see my mom happy and relaxed. And I think that that is most people's goal. Like, I think like you ask anyone who has like even a semi-decent relationship with their parents, they're

like what is like a joy about being financially stable and it is that they can you know help their parents especially having like an older set of parents both my parents are in their 60s so they were nearly 40 when they had me so they are like older and they're not old I think 60 having older parents makes me realize 60 is very very young and it honestly makes me feel a lot better about aging because I think otherwise I would think that that's old and then making me realize they're so young but

at the same time like I just it does it kind of gives you a sense of like I don't know what it is it's like I just I just want to see you happy and comfortable like I just god it sounds like I'm putting her in fucking like palliative care like I want to see her happy and comfortable she's only turning 63 but like oh maybe I shouldn't put that on blast from the internet no it should be okay with that I think but like it's such a joy for me to be able to like do that and

I actually haven't got her a gift, which I'm really panicking about because I was so focused on bringing my sister home and organizing that and like thinking out how it was going to go in my head and stuff.

and making sure that it was perfect that I forgot she needs other presents. So I don't know what I'm going to do about that one, but I'm going to have to go shopping. But it's just like, it's such, it's genuinely like such a privilege to be able to just like give my loved ones like nice special days. You know what I mean? Like experiences and to treat them. That's really all I've ever wanted to do. So, you know.

Right now, I am staying at my friend's flat because she's away and I'm cat sitting for her. Well, really and truly, the cat is sitting me because I am literally just here because I really need a place to stay and she was also taking a trip and her cat also lives here. I...

and making it sound like I'm selflessly cat sitting. I'm actually freeloading. That's what I'm doing. And the cat's here. So, but I've been staying here and it is so fun. And I think I've realized that I'm a cat person because her cat is like emotionally unavailable. Like actually like,

It doesn't want to be touched. It doesn't want to be held. It doesn't want to be anything. And it is, it's also just a weird cat, right? She bought this cat beds, like mini beds, the cat beds and cat toys. And he sleeps on, he will find a bag crunched up in the corner of the room and he'll sleep on it. But since I've been, and me and him have had a tense relationship, not tense bad, but tense like I'm used to my dog who will literally put her tongue in my eyeball and, and,

I just, that's my baby. Like she's such a big personality that I genuinely think she's my three-year-old child. And then to come in and see a cat that like does not fuck with anyone. I'm like, I don't know.

I don't know, I feel tension. And ever since my friend left and it's just been me and the cat, he greets me when I get home and he follows my heel. Like he walks into the bathroom with me. He walks into the kitchen with me. He rubs up against me. He puts his head in my hand and he asks to be stroked. If he wants me to stroke him, he like taps me like this. Like, come on, please.

I'm right here and he is such good company and I'm like I don't I don't maybe he misses his mommy and he's like looking for a little bit of extra love but I think we're bonding so I'm very happy about it he's so cute and it's making me think I might be a cat person because he's also just like a very calming presence like it's very hard to be like wound up when there's a

cat poking you, you know what I mean? Anyways, yesterday I had kind of a crazy experience. There's this like Chanel perfume section in Harrods and you can go in and you can get like a consultation basically where the guy who's like a perfume expert, he will ask you all about like your favorite smells and like childhood memories that you like and just like a bunch of stuff. And then he'll match you with like a perfume basically. And I had made an appointment and I wanted to go and I went and I was, he was like trying to, he basically, he was like,

Do you like amber, woody, vanilla? Do you like, you know, spicy? Do you like smoky? And I was like, with so much love, I do not know what the fuck you are saying to me right now. I, perfume is the furthest thing from my realm of knowledge. I would genuinely rather smell like nothing than smell like cheap perfume. Sorry, I said it. I genuinely, I don't care. I will stand on that. I would rather smell like nothing than smell cheap perfume.

um because why would I wear that on on my neck like I just would rather not smell and also like cheap perfumes all smell the same to me and I've never understood when people are like oh perfume has a top note and a middle layer and a bottom layer I'm like no it doesn't it smells like a rose and perfume like perfume smells like perfume and then like a flower but there's a perfume smell you know what I mean it's like unpleasant and so

So I just don't really wear perfume. I wear one by Diptyque and it's like a very like clean smell. That's the only thing I really wear because I've never found a perfume that I like. And I just, it's such a big world to me and sniffing perfumes is such a grueling task. And I can never smell them because I'm always in a department store and then there's all the smells of the other perfumes. It's just so confusing. So I just haven't explored perfumes. I just don't really have a smell. So I went to this appointment and he basically said,

was asking me for like a fond childhood memory. And I was like, I can't think of a single one. And then I remembered one. And I was like, I used to love washing up dishes with my mom because I loved the way that the bubbles smelt. But obviously I was like a nuisance to my mom. So as I was like three years old, so she would give me my own little...

bucket and like put dishes in there like for me to like fake clean and I remember just doing it and sniffing it and I described that smell to him and he brought out this perfume by the way it's not brand new I'm just genuinely hyping this up this is the 1957 by Chanel I understand what they mean when they say top note and like middle note whatever because somehow I'm smelling two things at once in one thing like okay it smells like

like soap and like bubbles and like cleanliness and like something so pure and then there's also a flower in there and then there's also something that makes it have like a again not using the correct terminology but like a low note like i think of perfumes as being like high pitch or low pitch and has like something a bit more low pitch so it's not just like too like up your nose oh fuck me it's it's very sexy and then they gave me this one as well which is like a

more feminine, sexy smell. But I really struggle to find a feminine perfume that is...

not old lady like and not too immature because I feel like a lot of like girl perfume like roses and flowers and stuff just reminds me of how I smelt when I was 15 and I was like wearing Hollister spray and the changing rooms at school reeked of it and it's like it's either to that extreme or well it's to that extreme well like it's just it's just the smell of a rose like that's it and so I always stay away from like very feminine perfumes I usually go for something like

like gender neutral or even just like masculine. I love the way boys smell. Like I am so, I get have loved all the time, all the time. Like if you smell good and I can actually still acknowledge, this man is bad. Like this man, this man just, this man just kicked me to the floor and then stole all my money. And, but he smells so bad.

woody no yes i guess i'll still give him my phone number then it just it just gets me like it smells uh i'm i i will fall for every time um so i usually just go for like a masculine smell because i smell it on these boys and i'm like i don't smell like that so then i buy whatever it is although i never do because i never ask what it is but ideally i would in a good world where i bothered follow up with things i would find out what perfume the sexy men were and i'd buy it but i

I just don't. So then I don't wear any perfume. This episode is brought to you by HydroJug. One of the hottest things ever is when someone knows how to take care of themselves. And here's the thing, Daddy Gang. If I see someone with a HydroJug traveler, I know they know how to take care of themselves. I personally, in the past couple of years, have been like, why am I not taking better care of myself? A.K.A. why am I not hydrating better? And it has been

mission of mine over the past couple of years to just constantly stay hydrated. It helps your skin. It helps your mood. It just helps all around every aspect of your life. But the best part about these bottles is the leak-proof design. You can run around with it, toss it in your bag without worrying about spills. Perfect for any final summer adventures. I'm going to be real. My least favorite thing is if I have a random water bottle that just completely ruins every bag. I'm like, oh,

oh my gosh, I guess I didn't fully close it. Not with HydroJug. This summer, I'm spending a lot of time in Europe for work and it has been so hot. It is currently 90 degrees where I'm at and I don't have to think about saying hydrated. HydroJug Traveler helps me. Daddy gang, the HydroJug Traveler is not just a great way to say hydrated. It's pretty cute too. It's sleek and comes in all different colors and designs for all of the fashion girlies. You can get accessories or a travel sleeve for it or...

leave it plain or dress it up with some stickers. There are so many different ways to make it yours. Obviously, I'm drawn to pinks because call her daddy at all times, always. But make it your own. You got this. Staying hydrated has never been easier or looked so good. The Hydro Jug Traveler is a real game changer. Get your Hydro Jug Traveler at thehydrojug.com and use the code UNWELL to get 10%.

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but then I found this and it's like I probably should be able to tell you guys what's in this and what it's meant to smell like so that if you're a perfume connoisseur then you would know what I'm talking about but whatever it smells good that's what you need to know and when I walked out of the Chanel appointment there was like a million security guards and I was like who's in the room next to me and

And from my understanding, it was a prince. Just don't know which one. But it was a prince, which is really cool. And then, you know what I want to do? I want to get in front of royalty. I just think if I could just get in front of one of them, be it a prince, a princess, a king, a queen, or whatever the other ones are called. I just think if you let me do it. And I...

ask for money. Hypothetically, I get in front of royalty and I say, would you please give me a million pounds? Why would they say no? Would they say no? Like, this is always my query. And there was this girl that, do you guys remember when the interviewer girl, I think her name is Bobby, and she was with Drake, I feel like, and she was like, would you give me a million dollars? And he was like, no. Why not? Okay. I get why she asked him that because it's

It is a rare opportunity that you're sat in front of someone who is genuinely just fuck you rich. You could give me a million dollars or pounds if you're feeling generous and it wouldn't affect you. Like you genuinely wouldn't mind to lose that money. Like it wouldn't affect you in any way. Why won't you then? Okay, if I have managed to get in front of you, I, me, I've grinded to the point where I'm in front of you, a prince or...

or a very, very rich man of another origin. And I then have the nerve to ask you for $1 million. Why not? Genuinely, what is the reason for that? What is the reason for that? Because, and if not, why not?

I think it's completely reasonable to ask rich people to just give you money for free. I think that that's the way to go. I do. I think that when you are in front of an absurdly rich person and have no interest in...

pursuing an onwards relationship with them, why would you not ask for money? I would. I would say please. And I would say it a few times. I just want to know what they would say, you know? Because imagine they said yes. And then I'm like, oh shit. Okay, cool. Um...

And by the way, when I say rich, I do mean like borderlining billionaire rich because someone with 50 million pounds sitting in their bank account is never going to give you a million pounds. I mean corrupt man. I mean man who could never have made that money in an ethical manner. I mean not any form of like artist or public person. I mean like secret billionaire who wears Birkenstocks and...

and corduroy jeans. And you know what? I just generally have questions for absurdly rich people. And I have many of them. It's not that I... I just want to know. I just want to know. In the interest of just intelligence gathering for my own enjoyment, do you guys want to know something crazy? I need to know which influencers ask I need to beat this week. Because tell me why I had ordered a...

masseuse to come to my house and give me a massage. There's this app in London, it's called Urban, and you just basically order them to your house instead of like going to a salon. So this guy comes over, he's giving me a massage and we're talking. And he was like, what do you do for work? And I was like, I do like social media. And he was like, oh, cool. I massaged. First he said, that must be like good money. And I was like, yeah, like it's pretty good money.

then he was like, yeah, I massaged this one guy. And he had told me that he did like YouTube and TikTok. And so I said again, like, oh, like, does it pay well? And the guy he had been massaging had said like, yeah, pays really well. And then had said, I wouldn't get out of bed for 2000 pounds. And the masseuse was like, if someone offered me 2000 pounds, like I would work

all night. Like I would run a marathon. I would do anything for 2000 pounds. And I was like, how sick of a person do you have to be? Whoever you were, he was a boy apparently. How sick of a person do you have to be?

to tell a service provider whilst they are rubbing your fucking back for like £60 an hour that you wouldn't get off your ass for £2,000. That feeds a family for weeks, by the way, if you forgot that piece of information. How...

How genuinely deranged and lost do you have to be to tell someone as they are manually putting in muscle effort whilst you lay on your front with your ass to the sky, whilst they put in effort and they are straining their back, they are hunched over, they are probably uncomfortable, their back probably hurts, their thumbs are probably tired, they probably worked a whole nother job that same day and you want to tell them

whilst they continue to rub your back that you personally just wouldn't get out of bed for two grand. I was so embarrassed. I...

for him. Like, I genuinely was so shocked that anyone would have the lack of conscience to say that to another person, let alone someone who is rubbing their back. And mind you, it was probably a full body, but he probably rubbed his feet too. Just genuinely, what kind of person do you have to be to say that to someone else? It was like my jaw was on the floor when he said that.

It really upset me for him. Like I was like fucking hell. And the guy who was massaging me, he was telling me like that he has his own practice and that he works in that most of the time and doing like at home massages is like his like side hustle. And he only does it on like he only does it like at night.

It's like just like an extra thing. He was just genuinely the sweetest man. Like he was so nice. And he even, we actually had a really good conversation because he was saying, he was like, do you normally talk during massages? And I was like, no. And he was like, yeah, me neither. And then we continued having a conversation. I was like, okay, cool. And he was like, yeah, I'm like really shy. I was like, no, like me too. It's okay. And I genuinely felt like we bonded. I felt like, I felt like we had bonded. In other news, I,

I don't think I told you guys, but I stopped taking my birth control and I've been on my birth control since I was 15 years old. And I never really came off it. I came off it like once just to see what would happen and nothing good happened. I fucking broke out in horrible acne. So I went back on it, but that was when I was like 18. So I figured like maybe my body's grown up a little bit since then. Maybe I can come off of it now because I had acne on it anyway. Like I started having acne even when I was on birth control, which is the whole reason I went on birth control. So I was like, okay, there's no fucking point anymore.

So I came off my birth control and spontaneously within the same week decided to explore ADHD medication. And I don't know if it's the mixture of changes in my body, but I am on one. Like I am literally, I'm like a teenage boy. Like everything is right now very weird within my body. I'm like

I usually don't feel these things, these feelings, these ways, but now I do. And it's really funny. But at the same time, kind of concerning. And I'm going to be very candid right now, which usually I wouldn't share like a concern until it's like resolved, you know, because I don't want anyone to like think something's wrong. But I don't think I actually have a period. I don't know where it is.

it's not here and i'm not pregnant so don't even start on me but it's like i i don't know if it's stress i don't know if it's i don't know what it is but i'm gonna have to get that checked on which is so fun i do have pcos so maybe it's just like being like very irregular and like i don't know what my body's natural rhythm is like i don't know if i'm someone who gets a period every month i don't know if i'm isn't that crazy i don't even know if my periods are regular because my

When I was 15, I got my period when I was 14. And literally three weeks later, was at the doctors begging for help because my periods were horrendous from the get go. I had basically a period every other week. And they were excruciating. And they were eight days long. Sorry, TMI, but like,

They were eight days long and they were so fucking heavy. And it was just a terrible time. And I broke out in like horrible acne and I was just like a raging bitch all the time. So I went to the doctor and I was like, can you please put me on birth control? Because I genuinely can't deal with two periods a month and I am covered in spots. And they were like, hello, 15 year old girl who's struggling with like strange symptoms around her period. Here's medication for you. And, uh,

take this uh for the next 10 years of your life and and and never inquire further into why your body has this pattern it took me until five years later to finally go to a doctor about my period pain because even on the pill i was just like written off every month so i finally went to the doctor they diagnosed me with pcos which is polycystic ovary syndrome which basically is just like

pain and excess testosterone which can also like lead to like acne and stuff like that but because the doctor kind of just put me on this pill I

never got to learn like the real cycle of my body like I don't know if I get periods once a month twice a month fucking three times a month I don't know if I get periods every three months like I genuinely don't know and I don't even know what a regular flow is for me because I've been on the pill and that's not a real period it's a withdrawal bleed it's different so I came off it like I said I came off it once when I was 19 or like 18 and it was just like a fucking hell

terrible experience. So I just went straight back on. I've never changed the pill that I'm on. I've been on the same exact one this entire time. And it just took me this long to be like, I feel like this is poisonous for my body. And there's other ways to cure acne. And there's also other ways to treat pain rather than like taking synthetic hormones every day of my life. So I was like, okay, I'm going to take a much needed break from the pill. Maybe I'll go back on it. I don't know. It is handy for contraceptive, but like

I'll be so real with you guys. There is no need for me to be on a contraceptive for that purpose. Like, I really... I do not have the level of game required. It's not...

a prevalent issue in my life especially not anymore so I was just like what is the fucking point in me being on this pill and I it kind of made me annoyed because I was like why actually deep it for one second why did my doctor not actually give me any information on what this pill is and obviously doctors like it's a known thing like they don't really give a fuck about period pain like it's just like a very neglected thing like you could be in there with like a massive cyst and they'll be like hmm

it's probably just a cramp, you're probably just being dramatic and you have to be like yeah you're right, it's probably right.

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This podcast is supported by FX's English Teacher, a new comedy from executive producers of What We Do in the Shadows and Baskets. English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job, while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

You know what I really want to do is, have you guys seen on TikTok, they have those like period simulator pain things that they strap on and they like go find men in like shopping malls and they like, would you like to try having period cramps? And then the men get to like number three level pain and they're like in agony.

Well, as a woman who persistently invalidates her own experiences, I need to locate one of those machines because I need to know if I would also suffer on level three of the pain scale. Because am I a wuss? Or would I get to level seven and be like, yes, this is how my cramps feel. Okay, I'm validated. This is a high level of pain. Other people would agree. And yeah.

now I can actually go get a fucking doctor's appointment. Because how do I know that my level of pain is not normal, you know? Because you're told, oh, it's meant to be painful. Yes, you're literally having contractions. Like, of course it's painful and it's gory and it's gross. You shouldn't talk about it. I just feel like I would genuinely benefit from using one of those machines. Like, I'm so jealous. Why do you keep giving that machine to men? Give it to women. Give it to women. Women need to know where they rank on the pain scale of a period simulator test, okay?

I know every woman in the world is curious about this. Okay, it's the same thing as I once saw a TikTok and it was this girl being like, living every woman's dream right now. And what she was doing, she was getting a fucking full body MRI scan. My dream. And by the way,

You can get those. You just have to pay. It never occurred to me that on private healthcare, you can literally just pay. But the reassurance of actually knowing, yes, we checked your entire body for illness and you are healthy. Oh my God. I mean, the way I would celebrate that news, I would genuinely go skydiving, I think. I'm actually not going to lie. If we lived in an ideal world, everyone would just get that once a month because when you actually think about it, why would you not?

get regular full body checks to check for something unpleasant. Like that just seems really obvious to me. Obviously, I know all the reasons it's not, but it's just like, you'd think, right? I always think about the fact that if there was an apocalypse tomorrow, okay, and everyone died except me and my friend, for example, we somehow survived. And now we're the only two people left on earth or in London, and we don't know where the other people are. It's just us. And we're struggling, you know, it's hard. My back would ache, inevitably at some point. And

In that situation, I think what I would have to devise with my friend is an agreement that we massage each other once a week. And it's not a massage where you say, can you please rub my shoulder? And then your friend rubs your shoulder for like three seconds like this, and then they're out. No. The thing that's nice about getting a professional massage is you know they can't stop. They're not going to start complaining and fucking stop rubbing you. So you can actually relax into it.

The second that someone, like the second one of my friends starts like rubbing my arm or like massaging my back, the only thing I'm thinking about is please don't stop, please don't stop. Like, I just want you to keep rubbing my back and I'm like just worried about the fact that you're going to stop soon. In the event of an apocalypse, I would have to devise a kind of plan with my friend that I'm,

stuck with that we just give each other one hour timed professional level massages once a week because no one else is going to do that for us because obviously the world ended. I was talking to my sister about what would happen if the world ended and I got really excited for the world to end because I said, obviously this is assuming that me and her both survived but we're the only survivors, okay? What would happen if the world ended and I got stuck with you? Well, genuinely exciting because the world is now my oyster, okay? First thing I would do

is I would break into all of the houses in my village and I would find ones with big industrial freezers. This is assuming the electricity stays on, okay? Find one with big freezers. Then I would go to all the supermarkets and I would find all the frozen food and I would take it and put it in all of the freezers. Then I'm going straight to the local farm and I am taking a horse. Scrap that. The first thing I'm doing, I'm going and I'm getting a horse.

Really and truly, I am a horse girl deep, deep, deep, deeply in my heart. All I really ever want to be doing at any given point in time is be on a horse. I'm so fucking jealous of people that get to ride frequently. And the first thing I would do in the apocalypse is I would think, oh my God, no one is going to yell at me if I take their horse. So I would go and I would take a horse and I'd get a little saddle and I would ride it. And then I would go, I'd ride it to the grocery store. I'd get the frozen food. I'd get the medication. I'd put it in my houses. Then I'm breaking into Buckingham Palace because I am...

So curious about what they keep in there. I was driving past it literally like yesterday, I think. And I was just looking at it and I was like...

that is actually someone's house I think I'm actually not sure I think they live there sometimes apparently they do guided tours like once a year or something like that I need I need someone to get me on a guided tour of Buckingham Palace you know what's one of my bad traits if I wasn't a little bit more like self-restrained and opinionated I would fixate on the royal family it it's not that I like them as people um

I'm just so fucking intrigued by them. Because they're genuinely different. They're literally the only people I can think of that actually live in an... They're on Earth, but they might as well not be. They're so different. And I don't know what it is that intrigues me so deeply about the fucking royal family, but I'm like...

I don't really care about like royal family conspiracies or like royal family news. Like, and I'm not invested like that. There's just something so otherworldly about them to me that I'm like, I just need to know what the fuck goes on behind those walls. And like, do the mom and dad discipline the kids? Do you think like,

Does the butler do it? Do they have a butler? Like, what's the dynamic also? Also, my biggest question, I think, for the royal family in general is, how do you keep the kids away from the windows? Because if I was a five-year-old and you put a crowd of people outside my family's house, it just wouldn't end well. You wouldn't be able to stop me. I'm so sorry. I would literally, I would...

find a way to that fucking window you could put double steel enforced doors you could put galvanized steel in front of that fucking window I will get to the window and I will pull down my fucking pants I just would I just would I really would

and it astonishes me that there's not more major mishaps like that because quite like to put it so simply and i'll give it to you i was not raised by royalty so maybe it's you know that's the difference but if you gave me the power of being in front of paparazzi at six years old i just don't know how there's not more big accidents and like genuinely i'm

what are you telling the children behind... I've seen the kids throw a few tantrums here and there. And I think that people find it kind of cute because it's like, oh my God, you're like real. Like you actually are a child. Like you literally just threw a tantrum and made the king pick you up off the floor. That's so funny. But I don't know. I just want to know. And I reckon if I asked them, they would give me a million pounds. So...

I will go on the guided tour. I will find a way. And then I'll sneak away. I'll get away from the tour group and I'll find one of them. Also, just like at what age does it get explained to them? Like, is it from when they start learning to talk that they're told, like, you're royal? Like, at what point do you tell a toddler that granddad is the king of England? Like, what...

At what point does it start to add up to them that not every... And I just wish one of them would start a podcast because could you imagine a princess being like, yeah, I'm not gonna lie, had no fucking idea that I was the only one where there was people outside my house every single day. And I used to beg to ride my bike in the front garden, but my mom wouldn't let me. And she used to tell me that if I went out there by myself...

all the people at the gates would like break in and like, I don't know, kidnap me. Like, like, I just know, I just know there's stories, you know, like, how do you scare a toddler into not genuinely acting out in front of thousands of people? Because to make a public appearance with a toddler is brave for anyone. Okay, it's literally brave for anyone to like, how do they how do they do it?

probably in ways that are objectively unethical but I don't want them to sue me so I also wonder what Christmas Day looks like in their household sorry I will stop talking about the royal family it's like I just wonder what like what the fuck does their Christmas tree look like first and foremost secondly how

How many presents do you think, on average, each child gets for Christmas? And also, do you think that they get them designer clothing? Like, what the fuck do you genuinely... Sorry, I keep swearing. What do you get a royal princess child? Also, it must be so crazy to be the person who marries into the family and...

obviously like anyone who marries into the royal family typically comes from a wealthy background themselves or like an elevated position in some form but none of them were raised to be the princess of England like they can't relate to their own child because

because that's actually shoes they could never have been in. So how, like, what do you buy a kid like that? Like, I wonder, do they have toys? Do they, do they, do they want clothes? I need answers to all of these questions and I need them rather promptly. ♪

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Like, I just think back to the way that I like let my mouth just run as a child. And I just wonder, like, they might just be numb to their superiority because like they're just genuinely used to it. Also, obviously, like they're around a bunch of other rich kids at school and stuff. Like, I'll give you an example. When I was about seven years old, my parents split up.

And my dad moved out of our family home. And I love my dad, by the way, no shade. But at the time, he moved in to what was essentially an attic. I mean, it wasn't essentially an attic. It was an attic. And he lived in an attic. And it was a rented room above a very rich man's house.

And I don't know why this rich man was compelled to rent his attic to a man in his 40s. Maybe he wanted company. I don't know. He had a wife. It was a huge house. Huge.

I think it was called like a manor house. And they had a swimming pool. They had like fields, gardens, cows, everything. My dad lived in the attic. Okay. That was his house. Now me, I obviously went to school and told everyone, guess what? My dad lives in a mansion. Again, like I said, not inherently untrue. Like it was a huge house. And technically he did live within the house. It just, he personally, you know,

lived in an attic. And everyone was like, no, he doesn't. Shut the fuck up. And I died on that hill. I was like, no, he literally does. And actually, it's kind of sad because at the time I was getting bullied and I didn't have very many friends. And there was this one girl, she fucking hated me. Hated me. And...

I remember this. This was at lunchtime. We were outside playing. And for whatever reason, I was talking to her and I told her, my dad does live in a manor. Yes, he does. Yes, he does. Again, I don't know what mission I was on. Like, I don't know why I was even in this girl's presence, given the fact that it was lunchtime and we never hung out. Like, we weren't like frenemies. Like, she just blatantly did not like me. And I didn't like her, but she was popular and I wasn't. So it feels like an unfair fight, but whatever. I remember having my back against the wall because she had like,

backed me into a literal physical corner and her being like just admit that your dad doesn't live in a mansion and back to the wall no more space between me and this girl i said yes he does and in my mind i was not lying okay i i was just i was just innocently misinformed we'll say um

But it's inherently not untrue. It just was inaccurate. You know what I mean? So whatever. But she did not want to hear that my dad lived in a mansion. But that was like, that was the bullshit that I was on at seven years old with just one sliver of what I perceived as being...

it for lack of better words, better than everyone else. I was like, yes, finally, finally, this will make everyone at school like me. Actually, to make this story sadder, I must have been only six years old when this happened because I actually ended up moving schools because this bitch was so fucking mean to me that I left the school entirely. But

I would have still been six when this happened because now I'm like putting the timeline together. Okay, well, I guess I can't really hold that against her because she was also six, but like, whatever.

I'm still gonna hold it against her but that was like that's how I behaved when I perceived myself to be um in an elevated position and I just can't imagine a seven-year-old all seven-year-olds are the fucking same it doesn't matter it doesn't matter what you do to a seven-year-old it's it's gonna be a seven-year-old sometimes I wonder though like did they know that they are different like do they know that that they are like some of those famous people in the entire world technically

Or are they just around like so many other rich kids that it kind of like, it's like, no, everyone has like a fucking massive house and...

is like the same as me almost. Because I feel like as a kid, your pointers of wealth are wrong. Like for me, what made someone rich as a kid was just like very obscure. And for me, the line was pretty much drawn at if you had a mother who had a baby and she had the pram for the baby and at the bottom of the pram was one of those fucking skateboards and you got pushed to school on your skateboard.

You had genuinely won the lottery to me. My point of you have money was just like so strange. Me and Boba have to go to bed. I'm not gonna lie, sitting here at two in the morning and ranting and rambling about the royal children is not a good look for me.

and I need to shut the fuck up. By the time you guys see this video, I will be picking my sister up at the airport ready to surprise my mother. So I will be posting that. I'm so tired. I have a 9am call time for something tomorrow and it's time for bed. Oh God. The cat just sat in my fucking lap. You don't know how big of an achievement this is in the world of Boba. This is genuinely huge. Trying to get a picture for his mother so she can see that we're bonding. Okay, good.

Good night. Love you guys so much. Me and Boba are going to go have cuddles, I think. Oh my god, I'm fucking obsessed with this car. Okay, right. Love you guys. I'm going to bed. Good night. Good night.