new season, new me?
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Hi guys! Welcome to this episode of Pretty Lonesome and season 2, the official start of season 2 of Pretty Lonesome. If you're stupid and you can't tell- oh, or if you're just literally not watching the video, like actually not stupid at all. If you're not watching the video, watch the video because I just spent money for a new car, for a new set, so please come and appreciate it. I am greeting you today from my brand new, slightly old car.

It's a 1969 Ford pickup truck and it's fucking green. Just like Miss Sexy Astra back home. Why did I feel the need to get a new truck? And why is it old and why is it green? I'll tell you. I have moved very far away from home this week. In fact, not even this week. I'm gonna not underplay it. Four days ago. Four days ago, I moved from the UK, where I have always been, to America. And I'll explain why in a second.

But in the interest of not being overly homesick and in the interest of doing things that genuinely make me happy and excited, I decided I wasn't going to fucking get a new car that would just continue the spiral, downward spiral I was on post-Mercedes era. I recently rediscovered my Vauxhall Astra. And if you've been watching the podcast for a while, you'll know that that was the car that I started pretty much everything in. And...

I then stopped driving it and I stopped using it and I stopped filming in it because I got a new car and that was really amazing and a huge blessing. It also kind of just marked a point in my life where things became less genuine for me, I don't know like how else to describe it other than that. And then I went back and I started to use my Vauxhall Astra again just in the last like few weeks which coincidentally coincided with me leaving the entire country and obviously that car behind.

I am here in America and I technically live here now, but I'm only here for a couple of months before I will go back home. I'm not sure how long I'm going to be here, but here is why I came here in the first place. I love Pretty Lonesome and I think that it has, if not potential to make money, it has potential to interest me. And since it's a project that I am undertaking, I figured I should pour a little bit more passion and life into the podcast.

and introduce a new segment. So the structure is this. Three times a month, we will sit in this new 1969 Ford pickup truck and do what we have always done on this podcast, which is talk. And then once a month, we will...

well not we, Adeline. She's got an office space and no one knows how she acquired the office space. It doesn't seem entirely legal but that's not for me to question. She's acquired an office space and somehow hosting interviews will say in the office space. Essentially I came to the conclusion that sitting here and

yapping and talking and having so many questions and coming to so few conclusions and really just creating more and more questions for myself and others was fun but ineffective in the long run in terms of betterment so I thought why not ask the people who know and so once a month that is essentially the idea but again it's not me it's Adeline and I don't know what she's doing like I don't know if it's her office if she pays rent or I don't know what her rental situation with the office is

She texted me today and she told me that the first episode of that podcast is gonna be next week. So I guess we'll all find out what the fuck she's got planned. The structure of the podcast is gonna change a little bit, but what will be consistent is that we will continue to get together in these unnecessarily run-down vehicles and we will talk and we will bond and such. But there's gonna be a new piece where we can ask the people who know. Rather than me just telling you guys I don't know, I'm sick of it, we're gonna get some answers.

Anyway, I'm gonna put in a full video tour of the truck on my YouTube channel if you want to see it because it's actually fucking sick. However, it's completely unsafe to drive and I don't think I realized that when I was purchasing it. It's like, I mean, I sent a mechanic out to check this car out before I purchased it and he was like, yeah, technically it's safe. Like, I would never want you to drive this if you were my daughter though. And I was like, oh, fuck you, it's fine. So then I purchased the car and then when I got to America and I saw the car, I was like, oh.

He may have had a point there because, well, I'll put in a video and you guys will see what I mean. But anyway, four days ago, I woke up in the UK and I woke up around 6 a.m. And at 6 a.m., I signed a lease for a house in L.A. And then at about 10 a.m. that same morning, I boarded a flight to L.A. from, I would say, about 2 p.m.,

till about 8pm whilst in the air flying from London to LA. I spoke to the man next to me on that flight for six and a half to seven hours, which we'll go through in a minute. I then landed in LA, jumped in a taxi, came to the house that is technically now

my home for 12 months. I mean, I get to choose if I want to stay here, but technically, if I want to, it's mine for 12 months. And in the driveway was this car that I'm sat in right now. And in the last four days of my life, everything has changed. And how am I dealing with that? Well, thank you for asking. I'm not. I'm not.

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As scary as it is, which it is, and it's very overwhelming because I haven't seen one familiar face in four days and I've met so many new people. And it's kind of like the feeling I get if I was to like have a serious episode of like dissociation, but it's real and it's valid, which is terrifying and actually very unpleasant, but fun. And I was ready for a change. And I kind of talked about this in my YouTube vlog, but I was...

I basically was at a place in my life where I'd had to implement some really painful changes kind of over the last six months, maybe even less, like three months. I'd had to implement some like painful changes, changes I didn't necessarily want to make but had to make. And I did want to make them, but like I wouldn't have made them if I didn't have to. If you know what I mean, if you've been there, then you know what I'm talking about. But like I implemented the changes anyway and they were great. And then it got to a point where...

I kind of had to decide of like, do I want to try and heal from certain things in the same environment where they happened? Which is a conundrum I've been faced with before, previously in my life. And my answer has always been, if I can help it, no. I don't ever want to try and heal in the same place where the thing happened because there's just no fucking point. It makes it so much harder than it needs to be. And I've been in situations before where I don't really have any other way to

there's no other solution so I've just had to go ahead and go through it in the same space where I went through it, if that makes sense? This time, I guess I'm lucky enough that that's not the case and I didn't really want to pack up and leave my entire life behind me. I don't know, that seemed hard but something very deep within me was like, this is what you are gonna do and you're gonna do it really well and very thoroughly and so that's what I did. I guess one of the reasons I've always been scared to like,

leave home and truly go somewhere else, especially America, is because I'm worried that it'll change me or that I'll change because I feel like that's the thing, right? Like you see someone go to America and you're like, oh yeah, they changed. And I have felt that way before about people that maybe I enjoy watching online or even friends that I've had and they go somewhere and I'm like, you became a product of that place and you became so New York or you became so LA or you became so London, you know? When previously I wouldn't have felt that way about my friend.

And in a lot of cases it's true. Oh my god, I've just seen a mail van. Cool. Oh my god. This is my first time seeing one and it's just like in the movies. It's like a little white van and it doesn't have doors. Cool. It's the UPS, I think. Oh no, it's... Oh yeah, UPS, United States Postal Services. For some reason, I never realised that's what UPS stands for. I thought it was just like a DHL. Fuck knows what that stands for, UPS. But that must be like Royal Mail then. Crazy. I mean, the more you know. Anyway, when I got here...

I got to the house and I thought that I was just gonna be handed the keys by like a realtor or something and like go inside and probably go to bed. But when I got here, there was like 10 people or something like that all at my house who I work with and who I've always spoke to like on text and email. Sorry, not always. I've spoke to them for the last two months over text and email because I really didn't work with anyone. Previously, over the

course of time that I've been putting stuff out online I've had a very very small team of people that I have been in touch with and that have helped me execute and create whatever it is that I've created and only recently I kind of switched that up and that was part of the big changes that I implemented over the last few months I've never met any of them and so I got here and it's like 10 people that I've spoke to but never met all at this house that is mine that I've never seen that I signed the lease for that same exact fucking day with a car in the driveway that I've

never seen and then I go inside the house with all these strangers who I'm supposed to know in a house I'm supposed to live in which is furnished with furniture that's not mine and it was literally the most exciting and surreal and cool day of my life and also the most genuinely terrifying because I was looking around and I was like I don't know how I will process this one this one feels like maybe I'm in over my head

potentially, you know. But I think I made a good choice with the comfort car purchase and some little things to make me feel more at home. And it's green, just like the Astra, although nothing will ever live up to the Astra, if we're going to be completely honest with you, which nothing ever will. And that car is still mine.

I'm still it's still where it was the last time I saw it I'm never getting rid of it I'm gonna put a Ferrari engine in it one day but I've never thrown myself into change the way I have over the last four days and I really don't have an analysis on it for you yet because I'm still in it and I'm still like I've barely blinked since I got here and it's been four days at

The time that I'm filming this, I've been here for four days, so can't really tell you much about how I feel about it yet. I'm just still kind of like, oh, wow, what is this? Where am I? Who am I? And it's very confusing, but I think that I'm finally at a place in my life where I feel like I have enough strength of character and integrity and the ability to not...

bend to my circumstances or become like the people that I'm around. A big fear of mine was always that I would become the company I keep because I think it's a real thing and I always talk about how birds of a feather flock together and

you become the company that you keep and like I think that can work in your favor like they're saying if you're in a room with seven millionaires you'll become the eighth or whatever I think it can also work against you in very extreme ways like I think if you're in a room with a bunch of evil people maybe you might not become the best person in the world for example but um all that is within your control if you're conscious and you don't have to become anything because of anything it is ultimately in your control but it's always something that I feared

I even wrote in my diary when I was like 12 and this is so weird but I was just reading it the other day because I was like packing up my room and I was I found my diary and so I was reading over it a little bit and I was being like really nostalgic about leaving home and it was this entry from me in like 2012 and my best friend had just left school she had moved school and we had had like a little friendship group

But she was really my best friend and I didn't really give a fuck about the other girls in our friend group I never really spoke to them outside of school We just were friends with them, you know for like lunchtime purposes, but I didn't like them very much I thought that this group of girls were really mean and really bitchy and they would say things that I would disagree with Politically at the time which is crazy because I was 12 and I was very concerned about these things God knows what the fuck was going on for me to be this worried about it and

But I remember being angry at my best friend and writing this diary entry angry at her for leaving me at this school because I thought I had no choice but to become just like these girls if I was going to hang out with them. And I wrote like, I'll probably just have to become bitchy like blank name. Like that's my exact words. I'll probably have to become bitchy like blank because my best friend had left me with these girls.

And I genuinely remembered the fear that I felt whilst at the point in my life when I was writing that diary entry because I was like, oh my god, like I don't have a choice. I'm just going through puberty and so I'm really malleable and I'm gonna become evil like these random bitches from school because I have no other company to keep than them.

Obviously that didn't happen. In fact, I actually left school myself like a month later because that was right when I developed a chronic severe anxiety disorder. I don't know if you could tell by the diary entry, but that was like right when that was starting for me.

Anyway, yes. It's always been a fear of mine, obviously, that I don't have control over the impact other people have on me and my personality. And obviously that has lessened over the years as I have become more self-assured and had things that, just life experience in general, duh. This is the first time in my life where I've had enough confidence to say I feel like I actually have the ability to go to a place where typically I find the people not disagreeable, just not my typical kind of company. I feel like LA gets a really, really bad rep

for the kinds of people that reside here and their intentions and their characters a lot of the time like obviously there's good people wherever you go in the world and there's bad people wherever you go in the world I just feel like it's a very common trope to hear especially online that LA people are a certain type of way and so I never wanted to come here or be here because I was always afraid that that would have a big impact on me and that I would become

like that even if I chose great company here and even if I found the best people that LA has to offer I just still was afraid that maybe I wouldn't or maybe it would still somehow get to me and I would still somehow change for the worse the last month I would say whilst this move has been an option for me and on my mind and something I've been considering I've

had to ask myself a lot of times like what will happen to me if I do decide to move there because my intention to move here is to create a podcast I'm really proud of. I'm not here for any other purpose. Pretty Lonesome is what brought me to LA and not obviously just this segment of it, the new segment that you guys will see next week but I had to ask myself

if I feel comfortable doing that and the answer was yes and I'm very proud of that because for the first time in my life I feel like I have just about enough strength of character and integrity to feel not threatened by outside circumstances and by people I may meet and by things I may hear and I feel like I like myself enough

to wish to maintain my current character or something along the lines of it, obviously with growth. But like, that is huge for me because one thing that I will always have been able to tell you with a completely straight face hand on my heart is that I fucking hate myself.

regardless of whether I think I'm a good person or a kind person or generally like a nice person, it doesn't really matter. One thing I will always have been able to tell you through almost any stage of my life is yeah, no, I hate myself. Like I will always go out my way to become someone different. I will always become my best friend or my boyfriend or my girlfriend because I think that they're better than me and I think that I innately suck and I'm innately evil and I don't even know why or how but I just am.

And even the people that I love and want them to trust me, I think I'm somehow evil and tricking them into trusting me and tricking them into liking me. And I don't know why. And I could never tell you why. I just could tell you that's how I feel. I don't know if it's OCD. I don't know what that is, but it's always been an issue for me and always...

when I date someone I become them because obviously they're the person I probably love the most and I'm the most like enamored by so it's the strongest influence for me and so a big problem I've consistently had in my life is becoming a lot like my partners my romantic partners anyway and it's really embarrassing I know that when I bring home a partner and my mum sees like who they are and you know how they dress and what I don't know what they do for work I know she's like oh this is what we're doing now fuck

fucking hell every time it's like oh now she's an artist now maybe she's got a you know career in the music industry it's like whatever they are i am because i hate myself and they're better than me but i don't know somehow i've shaken that recently and i think it's because things in my life that transpired i guess over the last few months kind of made me become protective over myself for the first time in my life

it made me look at my life in a protective way like you don't get to fuck with this kind of way or like a

i'm proud of myself kind of way or like a no i built this with actual blood sweat and tears it being my sanity and um now none of you get to touch it and it's the first time i've ever felt like that which is significant for me because it means that instead of just constantly hating myself and trying to change and trying to become anything other than me i finally feel like i would quite like to be me and my lawyer's calling me

That's very LA, isn't it? No, I'm podcasting. Can't talk right now. Anyway, essentially, my point is, is that the reason that I was able to make this move and to weather so much change, because change is not something that terrifies me, but it's definitely not something that I'm the most comfortable with. I don't think any human being is meant to be comfortable with change. I think it's literally against our wiring. So I like change. I seek out change, but I also find change difficult when it's happening.

like it still makes me nostalgic and sad and a bit uncomfortable and a bit just like you know

you know? Like I know this is for the better and I know it's good and I am enjoying the change but it's also a lot of change. Even with all those feelings I think what's helping me weather the change is just the fact that I feel for the first time ever I'm not going to be a product of the change and become something completely different because for the first time that is not what I'm seeking to do which is huge, like revolutionary for me

and I think that's reflected in the car purchase it's all very metaphorical you see yes poet if you will but it's like this is my attempt of building a life around the person that I am rather than a version of myself that is just unrealistic or just won't feed me and I feel like the Mercedes that I was driving for a while and please don't take this as me being like ungrateful for the Mercedes the Mercedes was the most generous gift I've ever been given and the way I read

and read. The gift of the Mercedes was just like someone loved me enough to want me to be safe on the roads and that's huge. Like it will always be the most significant regardless of everything else that car will always be like the most significant and touching gift.

that I've received to date because regardless of the fact that it was a shiny new Mercedes and as nice as that is it was signifying to me that like you care about me enough to invest in my safety and you want me to be comfortable and just safe like that's what it was and so it will always mean a lot and obviously I still have the Mercedes I think a lot of people thought that

that car had like been, I don't know, taken back somewhere. It has not. That's still my car. It's just in the UK. But I feel like it signified a time in my life where I was fitting into a mold that was not bringing me much joy and going down a path that just wasn't mine, if that makes sense. And I think returning to a car like this that brings me genuine joy and makes me happy and that's fun and that I've always wanted, like I've always...

always wanted a fucking Ford pickup. I just feel like I'm in the right place, you know? And I'm happy for that place to change. It just has to still be right. And I think that it will, if that makes sense. And this is my attempt of building a life around something that I love. And it's a small place to start, but I think it's a good start. And I have been overwhelmed by the change. I'll be honest with you. Like, it all feels very, very weird. But I'm going home in December. I have my plane ticket booked to go home for Christmas. And I don't have a

if like back here booked I mean I will come back because I have things to do I've got podcasts to film and and people to interview and offices to steal but it's nice to know that I'm going home and that makes everything less overwhelming because it's only like two months away so I'm like you know what as scary as all this might be don't worry because I'm literally going home in fucking five minutes and I'm gonna see my mum and my dog and everything is gonna be fine oh my fucking god it's my dog's birthday wait no oh I think it's tomorrow

Or is it next week? Fuck, I don't know. I've got to check a birth certificate. I left Bug in the UK because I could not take her away from my mum. As much as I would love to have Bug with me in LA, I couldn't take my mum's babies away from her both in one day. Like, I'm her baby and Bug is her baby.

Bug is technically my dog, but I think that my mum is so in love with her and Bug is so in love with my mum as well, that they've got each other through this period of time. And I would love to bring my mum out here eventually or whatever corner of the world I end up living in. I would love to have my mum there with me, but we'll see how it goes. I may not stay here myself that long. I don't know. I do like the weather, I'll be honest with you, but I will miss, I don't know, I just love the UK, but this is good for me and it's exciting and

And it's, you're meant to try new things in your youth, so I'm told. And you're meant to go new places and meet new people. And I think it just kind of got to a point in the UK where I felt a bit stagnant. And I was like, hmm. It just felt like it was time for something new. And this is the new thing. And the new car. That's older than my older car. So, here we are. I don't know. Hopefully it doesn't break down. ♪

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You know how I said that there was a guy that I spoke to for like six hours on the airplane? I'm not kidding. It was six hours and we didn't take a break from talking the entire six hours, which is absolutely fucking insane and I think criminal, but it was really lovely. And it kind of felt like one of those things where I was like, I've never had an interaction like this with anyone in my life. And...

I can't explain it but it felt like a welcome like a welcome to your new life I don't know he was a British guy but he was telling me how when he was my age he used to come to LA for work as well and he always used to stay at the Beverly Hills Hotel and I was like oh I've never I went to the Beverly Hills Hotel once but I just got a salad and if I'm being honest with you like the salad was disappointing which is a shame it was a chopped salad and it kind of sucked because I

a chopped salad, like they chopped it way too small and every mouthful just tasted like blank. Why would you make a salad? Why would you, why would you grind up my salad? Anyway, um, I said, yeah, you know, I've never really been there. Just a disappointing salad. And he told me that they have a swimming pool that plays music underwater.

And then we talked about business and we talked about life and we talked about the UK and we talked about... I don't even know what we talked about. We talked for fucking like six and a half hours. And he was one of the most interesting guys, like not for any particular reason, just for the reason that like he did a lot of the same things I'm doing when he was my age. And he seemed like he had had an enjoyable life and he was like double my age. I don't know. He was like late 40s, I think. When we were done talking and everyone was getting off the plane...

He turned around and he looked at me and he said, "Have fun in LA. Good luck with it. I'm very envious of you. You're doing everything that I wish I had done." Because he never moved here. He would just come and he would visit and he would party and he'd do whatever he did and then ultimately always lived in the UK. And just hearing that from him, I was like, "Okay, we're in the right place."

And then I got here and there were these strangers waiting to greet me at my house that aren't technically strangers but they felt like strangers and everything's been very overwhelming because I haven't seen one familiar face in four days. Four days have felt like a year because I got here, kind of set some things up in the house and then I went to bed and then the next day we had a 12-hour photo shoot for the promotional pictures for Pretty Lonesome.

And then the next day I did a cover shoot for a magazine, which was so fucking exciting. And then the next day was meetings. I had meetings all day. And now it's today. This is today. And so four days have felt much longer than four days. And I only have had time to call my mum once because I've been busy. And I haven't spoke to any of my friends. And I've just been meeting so many new people and being in so many new places. I went to this cover shoot and the makeup artist was like...

an older British woman. She was from Yorkshire, actually, which is fucking cool. Like, that's, like, rare to find in LA, is it? A Yorkshire woman. So I was like, okay, this is perfect. So I got talking to her, and it was a long shoot day, so I talked to her a lot, and she, again, just wished me luck. She was like, this is so exciting, like, welcome to LA, and have, you know, good luck, have fun. In just a very warm way. For the first time, I

Everyone keeps telling me like, welcome to LA and like, you just got here. Everyone keeps telling me like, you just got here because I'm meeting so many new people and doing so many things that everyone seems surprised like, oh, you just landed like two days ago. And I'm like, yeah. Because of that, I keep being reminded that this is new and I keep being reminded like, you just got here. And it's so interesting because...

I didn't realize that nothing has felt new to me in years. The last time I made a huge life change was when I went to university. That was a long time ago. And then the only other big life change I really had was I went traveling with my best friend Millie after university when we both graduated and we went to New Zealand and that wasn't that long ago. But once I got back from that,

I just went back to live with my mum. I moved to London for six months and I fucking didn't like it and it didn't ever feel like I really moved there. I barely spent any time in the flat because it sucked. It like didn't work. The shower never worked. The fridge didn't work. The washing machine never worked. And there was a construction site next door that my landlord didn't worry to tell me about.

to tell me about so that adventure didn't last very long and I didn't realize that I hadn't made any change like so many things in my life had changed and my circumstances hadn't so whilst everything around me changed and my context changed and my job changed things in my life and my heart and my brain and my

fucking bank account changed. Nothing else did. And so whilst all this was happening, I was still on the same couch and sleeping on the same mattress as I was when I was 13. And that's, it just, I didn't realize how stagnant that was making me feel. And I realized that I was living the most exciting years of my life.

and I was doing it miserably. I was being granted all these opportunities and I was doing all these exciting things and I was becoming a person that I never thought I could be and meeting people that I never thought I would and I was doing it miserably. When I first realized that I was doing that, I remember I told my friend,

And the second I told her that she implemented change, she was like, "Oh, fuck no. I can't do that. You've just like really shattered my entire life." And she implemented change that night. After I told her, "I'm living the best years of my life and I'm doing them miserably," she literally went home and changed her whole life. And I'm not kidding you and I wish I could tell you the fucking gory details of how she did it, but she would kill me. But she did and I didn't. I stayed living that miserable life for probably another six months.

until I was too fucking miserable and things changed for me I think the universe has a funny way of doing that it's like if you're unhappy with something and you sit with it for long enough and you think it's fine and you think it's tolerable and you think that you know it can stick around you know a little while longer that's kind of when the universe tends to go fuck you no it can't and it's gonna blow up in your face right now and that's kind of what happened for me and thing

things that I thought were tolerable that probably weren't and probably never should have been suddenly were so fucking intolerable that I had no option but to change my circumstances and truly it was probably the best thing that ever happened to me but as much change as I did implement the one thing I consistently didn't change was my

physical context i was still sleeping on the mattress that i had when i was 13 and it served a purpose while it served a purpose but i think it it got old finally this year and so i changed things and so far it's really exciting i'm already on la time which is amazing i never even had a jet lag moment because i've been so busy since i've been here that i've fallen into bed and slept all

night every night and woken up because i've had to do in the morning every single morning and so i haven't even felt jet lagged i've just been tired the whole time but other than that it's been fine i've been drinking loads of coffee and solving that issue so that's good we're like two weeks away from halloween and i don't have any outfits sorted but i have got two invites to two different parties so

That's fucked. I'm gonna have to figure that out. I'm not really a party girl, as we all know, and I don't really know anyone here. I mean, I do know people here, that's a lie, but I'm not a big party invitation obtainer. I don't tend to go out, I don't tend to do those things, and I've never been to a Halloween party in my life. Although apparently I lied about that the last time I said it. Someone texted me like, I literally saw you at a fucking Halloween party, and then I was like, what? Apparently I went to a club on Halloween once. Fuck knows. Apparently I did. You'll all be proud to know that I recently fought...

I didn't fight anyone. You'll be proud to know that I've recently fended... Is that the word? Fended off?

a predatory force in my life again. I, for years, have just repeated this cycle that I've been in of, like, fight off an evil person and then welcome the next one in. And I don't know why that... I don't know why. I really actually genuinely have no idea why I thought that was okay. And every time I would act surprised, like, another one? Yes, bitch, another one. And you knew that all along, you fucking weirdo. You knew they were evil, just like...

own it at least don't act surprised anyway I've done that for years like literally since I was old enough to fucking speak I've been like where's the most evil person uh readily available to me I'm gonna befriend them fall in love with them potentially get engaged to them and then when they inevitably do something evil I'm gonna be like and then I'm gonna do that again anyway I met this guy I

I don't know, a few months ago. The last time I was in LA, I actually met this guy. And the second I met him, I was like, oh, you're fucking... Actually, before I met him, my friend that introduced us was like, this guy's fucking evil. You're gonna hate him. But just bear with. We just have to be around him today. Like, sorry. But like, just like, fair warning, he sucks. And I was like, ugh, I don't want to meet him. But fine, I like, have to. We had to. And I was like, okay, whatever. Met him. And I was like...

oh yeah, he's like not the worst, but like, yes, he sucks. Like I'm not, I don't care to even hate him. He's just like, whatever. Like he's not the nicest person probably ever. And then I don't even know how it happened, but right before I moved to LA, he was texting me and I was like, I don't think he was that terrible or evil. You know, I think, you know, he's being really helpful with this one issue I'm having. I'll just text

him and I was texting him and he was helping me out with this problem and then he was like let's hang out when you get to LA and I was like yeah he wasn't that terrible okay fine like I don't know anyone in LA like the company will be great and I was like yeah okay fine you know like maybe I'll see you in LA I was so busy that week that I didn't even think twice really about the fact that I was in in communication with this person I was like everything is so overwhelming and confusing and busy that it's like that's the literal least of my fucking worries and then

I had some time to think, you know, before bed a few times and in the shower. And I was like, am I serious? Like,

I was like, no. Like, don't even humour this. You know what this is. It's not even you saying he's evil this time. It's actually everyone else. And you as well. Usually it's just you. This time it's everyone saying, like, this guy sucks. And you're texting him? Question mark? Big question mark? No, you're not. No, you're not. No, you're not. No, you're not. No, you're not. And so I stop. This should not be big enough news to make it onto a podcast. And it's for this reason that, you know, there's those sayings. Not everyone should have a podcast. But...

Anyway, revolutionary. It's a sign of self-respect and it's a sign of my self-hatred lessening mildly. Again, because strength of character and such. Sometimes I do just want to punch myself in the fucking face. Like, a lot, actually. Anyway, the general sense of my self-loathing lessening is... It's quite comforting and...

I think that people can feel it, which is weird to say. But for example, I had this one fitness instructor and I would go to her classes and it wasn't one on one. It was a class, but they were relatively small classes. And so she would speak to all of us individually and we would all have conversations whilst she worked out.

And I always thought she was really nice and really cool. And I've known her for probably about a year now and I thought she was really cool when I met her. But I always felt like she didn't like me very much. But she was perfectly nice, perfectly polite. But I just always was like, I don't think this woman really likes me as much as I like her. I don't know. I didn't see her for a while. Probably last time I saw her was maybe like five months ago. And then I just saw her again like very, very recently.

And she was so different to me. Like the second I walked in, her demeanor was different. Her whole energy was just different with me. And I noticed it. And she turned to me at one point during the class and she went, did something happen? You're completely different. And I was like, what do you mean? And she was like, you're lighter. Like you're literally different. Like you're lighter. You are completely, your whole energy is different. And I was like, yes, actually, like something did happen in my life. And then I took her on a journey. I was like...

you want to know what happened you don't know what changed and so i gave her the rundown of all the major changes to my personal life that have occurred in the last what two to six months i would say roughly and she was like yeah you seem like you're a different person and it's crazy because i didn't think that i ever came off one way or another like i didn't think that maybe at a time in my life where i didn't like myself so much or i was much unhappier or there were certain things that were stressing me out significantly

And all these things were wrong in my life, I didn't think that it showed. Like, I didn't think that I was ever... You know, I just looked at it like, well, I'm not rude to anyone and I don't take my stress out on anyone, especially not, you know, my fucking fitness instructor. And there's no way anyone would know anything is wrong. But I'm walking around believing that. And everyone doesn't like me. Like...

I never felt in my life that everyone doesn't like me. It was just that I didn't often form connections with anyone. I didn't often feel that people took a particular liking to me. It was just neutrality, if anything. And sometimes maybe I felt like an outsider more than an insider, but I always attributed that to the fact that I'm not the most outgoing person. But I was never rude and I didn't think that I was ever...

particularly miserable but this person turning to me and just saying you know you're different you're completely a different person than you were three months ago when I last saw you your energy is different your demeanor is different you're physically lighter and I was like oh thank you well that's because I changed every single aspect of my entire life yes thank you glad to know it paid off and it was crazy to me because I just didn't know I didn't know I was different now but looking back I

i can see why and i feel different i didn't know that it translated so it's nice it's affirming to know that the lack of misery in my own brain and life is actually having an outward effect

and that it's noticeable. That's always a nice affirmation to have, I suppose. Because one thing that I've greatly missed out on in my life is just general connection to strangers. I've never been interested in like having fun interactions with acquaintances. Like,

I don't care what the girl at the gym thinks of me or I don't care what my dentist thinks of me. Like, I'm not worried about these things or trying to have fun with acquaintances or valuing my small and minor interactions with people on the day-to-day. Like, it's just not, I'm just not. And that's been a major change that I've implemented recently. And I think that to sum everything up is I'm just actually, for the first time, potentially ever starting to enjoy my life. I don't know, I don't know how else to tell you that. Like,

And it's sad that that's the first time that I can say it, but it's like, I look back to the way things were for me six months ago and I feel physically drained. Like even just a memory of it. I look back and I'm not sad or angry or anything. I'm just literally like, that's how I feel. Like I can't fucking believe I existed in that state for as long as I did.

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Everything adds up now. And this is the first time that I've enjoyed my life. Which is sad. But it's true. And I don't even care if it's sad because I'm just happy that I'm here now and nothing's ever a waste. And I don't care. I'm just happy that I'm here now. Like, that's it. That's the bottom line. I'm happy that I'm here. I'm excited to adventure in LA. I'm excited to create a podcast that I'm actually proud of. I'm excited for you guys to see the new segment, which you'll see next week. I'm excited to have...

this new car and to continue what we've already started to build within this car. I don't know. I just think that we can... Oh, hello. Oh, fuck.

I just got an invite through for a Halloween party and I have no idea what the fuck I'm gonna wear. I don't have any outfits planned. Like, I have nothing. I literally, it's been the least of my concerns, but realistically, it should have been the top on the list because this is my first American Halloween and I'm not gonna lie, the only thing I wanna do, like, fuck the parties, although not fuck the parties because I wanna be so sexy and I wanna, I'm actually not even kidding, this is so low on my list of priorities and genuinely something that doesn't even bring me a lot of happiness.

but I want to look sexy and go meet all of the ridiculously fucking stupid, horrible, probably deeply evil LA men. I'll say it.

okay and i'm not saying i want to marry them or date them or even touch them i just want to look at them i just want to be in the same room as them for one day and then go back home it's so weird that it's even like an interest of mine because it's just never something i'm interested in but like it's a novelty to me right now is like i am in la where there's so many sexy men and again

I'm better than that and whatever, whatever. I'm literally not better than that. I literally want to put on the sluttiest outfit you've ever seen in your fucking life and I want to go down. I want to go to the town and I want to go where all the cool kids go and I want to go to one fucking cool party in the sluttiest outfit you've ever seen in your life and I just want to look at the boys.

And I'll say it. I'll be the first to say it, actually. Because, fuck it. I'm not ashamed. I'm not embarrassed. It's not a personality flaw and it's not something to be ashamed of. I want to do that. I want to dress like a fucking slut. I want to go out on the town and I want to be like, yeah, I live here now and look at this. I'm in Hollywood with the hot boys, okay? And then it'll be out my system.

It'll be out my system and it won't be something to be concerned about anymore. I just want to do it once and what better time than Halloween? Unfortunately, my only costume idea that I've had this year is I want to be Gollum because I think that we look alike. If I go as Gollum, like with like full special effects, like it's genuinely like terrifying. Like that could be the real Gollum. If I do that...

Who says that that was Madeline? It's just hearsay. 'Cause it's Gollum, you know? Who was in the Gollum costume? Maybe Madeline, 'cause everyone's saying it was Madeline, looks a bit like Madeline. But there's no way you can really confirm that that was me, because again, it looks just like fucking Gollum. And I've got prosthetics on. So if it turns out to be embarrassing, fuck 'em. However, I don't think that that's the sexiest choice I could make. Probably should figure out another outfit idea.

Should we see? Actually, I wrote a note in my phone. Should we see what I have for my... Because I'm not going to do any of these except maybe the Gollum one. So I'm like, I don't mind if I reveal my secrets. You can steal my Halloween costume ideas if you want. Perfect. Yeah. Halloween costumes. Gollum. And then we've got Dobby.

'Cause I think I look like both of them. And then, um, I just have it written "whatever she went as in mean girls" You know, when, um, is her name Katie Heron? When she goes as the fucking, like, witch with the snaggle tooth and all her friends go as, like, bunnies and mice and stuff? I feel like that's fitting for my first Halloween in LA. Anyway, I just really wanna go trick-or-treating. 'Cause, like, what better place than America? Anyways, I'm done. I'm gonna shut the fuck up. You guys wanna know a secret?

I think it's the contracting of my diaphragm that happens when I talk for this long to myself with no breaks.

i always end up needing a shit after i film a podcast because i think it's too much contraction like in a normal conversation you wouldn't speak for this long you would take breaks you would let the other person speak at least or like you just maybe wouldn't have an hour-long conversation non-stop like i'm monologuing and it's like it's just like a tense diaphragm for 57 minutes is what i have on my zoom recorder right now that's how long i've been shh fucking screaming

And I need a shit. So anyway, that's my two cents. So this is the start of our LA era. And I am excited and I think that

it's gonna be good and it's just a fresh start. I feel hopeful and excited, that's like the best way I can put it and it's really refreshing to not fucking hate myself and I don't even know how or when this became my reality but it is and I feel very out of place because this isn't my house and this isn't my car and this isn't the country I grew up in and these aren't my people and I don't know any of their faces and I'm very confused

And I don't know if I trust any of them. I don't know if I like any of them. And I don't understand anything that's going on. And I'm overwhelmed. And I'm really excited that I feel those things. Because I get to feel those things. Because I'm no longer stagnant. And it's amazing. And everything is true at once. So that's cool. Maybe I'll start doing Pilates again. Next week's episode of Pretty Lonesome will be really different. And I'm really excited for you guys to see it. I'm excited to execute this idea. And I'm excited that I get to drive this fucking four pickup.

That's it. Now, I love you and I will see you next week on Pretty Lonesome. Okay. Love you guys. Bye-bye.

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If there's anything better than getting a few of your favorite things from McDonald's, it's getting a few of your favorite things from McDonald's for less in the McDonald's app. Delicious. And what could be better than two of your favorites for $3.99? Like the four-piece McNuggets, McDouble, or hot and spicy McChicken. So stop in for twice the delicious. Prices and participation may vary. Cannot be combined with any other offer. Single item at regular price. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba.