My first time on ADHD meds
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Welcome back to this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. This week I have probably the best news that I can give to you ever on this podcast, which is guess who finally got medicated? Me! I finally got ADHD medication. Guys, this is probably the biggest step I've ever taken in my life to becoming like a semi good version of myself, okay? I'm someone who's been like on

very anti-medication for most of my life for reasons that I'm not even fully conscious of. Like, it's kind of one of those things that's instilled into you from a young age and you never really give it much crucial thought until you have to. And I am...

I've always been like afraid of medication. And I think that probably does stem from my mum being a thalidomide baby. Like, I'll be honest, like the reasons are obvious and right in my face. But sometimes medications can help. And I've resisted a lot of help that I could have received over the years. Like, for example, like when I was super, super anxious as a teenager, I refused antidepressants. I refused anti-anxieties. And it probably...

for the worst time, I don't know, you can never know because I'm okay now and looking back I'm like, I don't know if it would have made it easier but now I'm on ADHD medication and I'll be honest with you, I feel like I have worse ADHD on them. This is my second day taking the medication and I feel like it's giving me worse ADHD than I have before but what it's done is switch me from the, oh my god, they have names. There's one where you're like not motivated and there's one where you're motivated and you either take a non-stimulant or a stimulant. So

the kind of pill that I'm on is a stimulant because I have the kind of ADHD where I just won't do anything. I mean, I can't pay attention to anything ever and I just literally will sit on my ass all day and stress about the fact that I'm sitting on my ass but I can't get up and I don't know why I can't get up. That's the kind of ADHD I have. I think it's a very common kind, especially like people finding out later in their lives that they have ADHD. I feel like that's the kind that doesn't get picked up as often because it just looks like you're being lazy and you don't really cause issues as a child so it doesn't really get picked up. I feel like

Anyway, so I have that kind and I feel like this medication has given me the other kind of ADHD which is like, I have a rocket up my fucking ass guys and I've never, never a day in my life have I felt like this. I have never had so much energy that I just want to like genuinely climb the walls. Let me tell you what I did yesterday. Okay, my first day on the medication.

I decided I was going to call my GP practice. Now, this is a task I have put off for upwards of three years, okay? Ever since, well, no, I graduated university like two years ago. So ever since I graduated university, I've needed to register with my GP, which is like the doctor's surgery at my local, like where I live. Sorry, I've needed to register with my doctor's practice where I live ever since I graduated from university. I am still registered with the one

three hours away at my university, okay? And it means I haven't been able to have a doctor's appointment in three years. And it's been a pain in the ass, okay? Thank God nothing too bad has happened to me in those three years. Anyways, I took this pill and almost immediately I phoned the doctors. And I was like, hello, I need to become a patient this morning. And they were like, okay, just come in and get the paperwork. I was like, oh, brilliant. I thought it was going to be harder than that. I thought I was going to have to like argue my point of why I should become a patient. I don't know why I bought that. So I go into the doctor's office. I pick up the paperwork. I drive home. I am

fill out the paperwork. Get this, yeah? I fill out the paperwork, okay? Immediately. They requested a form of ID. I pick up my form of ID. I take, I'm not even kidding, 10 pages of filled out paperwork, back and front, by the way, down to the doctor's office. And I

And I hand it in. Actually, you know what? I didn't hand it in. I went to the doctor's office. They wanted proof of address. So like a bank statement, identification and the paperwork they'd previously handed me. So I did all of that. And then I went back to the doctor's office. I put my papers down on the table, smacked them down. I said, look, got it for you. I've got my paperwork like a big girl. And then I went, where is my paperwork? And she went,

where is your paperwork? I left it at home. Okay, so maybe the ADHD medication hasn't completely done its magic. I had just brought my bank statement. So I went, bear with me. I went back home, picked up my paperwork,

went back and then as I got back they had swapped over the shift at the front desk the lady goes is are you Madeline Argy I went yeah why she was like you left a pile of paperwork here sorry my bad anyway glad you have that because look I've got the other piece of paperwork that you need and I've got my identification so now can I please become a patient of this practice and they were like yeah

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So now I switched my GP over, then guess what I did? I finalized my visa documentation. Now do you know how much of a ball like that is? Okay, that was like an hour-long phone call where I had to ask like 50 questions about myself that I didn't even know the answers to, okay, for some of them and about my family and stuff. I finished my visa documentation paperwork, which means very soon hopefully I will be the proud beholder of a US visa, God willing, if they let me in. They might not. Um...

Anyway, finished the paperwork. That's all I can do. Became a client of a doctor in practice. Then I called up my psychiatrist and booked my follow-up appointment, which I was supposed to have done. I called my mum's doctor's office. Okay, I made her an appointment. I'm, like, thirsty for admin tasks. Give me admin. I need it. I know. But the thing is, I'm still not very... It's interesting. I'm still not very focused on one thing. Like, I am much more than I was before. Like, it just feels like I have energy and I'm, like...

motivated to do shit. And I don't know what shit I want to do. It's just like, give me something. Like, I want to call your doctor's office for you because no one on my team is awake to work with you. Like, I don't know. It's just like, I'm like, ants. Like, I've never had the feeling of not wanting to sit down and lay down. Like, usually in my life...

everything else stands as a barrier in between me and my lay down time you know like everything I do in my life I'm like okay it's gonna be over soon because then I can go lay down you know and it's like I'm not exhausted although most of the time actually I am exhausted it's like I'm not

that it's not exhaustion that's making me want to lay down. I'm not directly tired and sleepy. It's just like, I just want to lay down. I have no interest in like what I'm really doing. Sometimes I get excited and I'm happy and then I have an interest in what I'm doing. But usually I burn out from that feeling very quickly and I need to go have a lay down, you know? Whereas today I'm like, mind you, I'm jet lagged because I just got back from LA. So the time difference usually like eats me alive.

When I get to LA from the UK, my time difference is so easy to adjust to. I just wake up at like 6am and get up early and go about my day. And I'm always busy when I get to America. So I can't notice the jet lag because I have to be up and I have to be out and I have to stay awake. When I get back home, usually I sleep all day. I'm awake all night and it's torture for like a good week and a half. Today, I woke up at...

around 8.30 and I had no interest in getting up. I was absolutely exhausted. I didn't get to sleep until 4am, but I took the pill because I was like, I have to, like, I'm supposed to like be trialing it and see what it does to my body. So I have to take, I actually didn't want to take it today. I was like, fuck this. I'm laying in bed. Took it. And again, within like, I'd say within an hour, I was up at my computer just doing bullshit. Like I need someone to give me more tasks because I was just like writing things in my notes out because I didn't have anything to do.

I didn't have a video to edit. I didn't have, I had content to plan, but like, it was kind of hard to do it before like people woke up. So I was like, what am I, what is a girl to do? You know, I just have like a genuine firecracker up my ass. But again, it's, I don't feel, and I assume, I can only assume that I will not remain on this medication for this reason, because this is like a very, like, I'm, I'm very chaotic and like, I

I need to do things. I don't have a very long attention span on any of those things particularly, but it's just like, you know what? I'll take it because wanting to do five things at once versus doing zero things at once is my preference. Okay. Like I feel very chaotic. I don't know if this is my usual personality and I do feel very like, you know, but yeah,

like my eyes are kind of darting around like I'm feeling but it's lovely it's a change and I needed a change because I was like I hate not knowing sometimes what pisses me off about my ADHD the most when when unmedicated is I'll go to sleep feeling super productive with all these great ideas about how my life can go if I just you know get together a little bit and like I'm gonna

I'm going to wake up early and I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that. And I'm going to get a good night's sleep. And like all these ideas and creativity is flowing and all this motivation is in my body and I'm excited. And I wake up in the morning and it's like, I physically can't move and I've slept great. And, and I still have all those ideas in my head, but I cannot execute them. And I'm like, I know nothing's going to save me from this today. I can try and drink a very strong coffee and hope that that's going to like trip me into some feeling of like, I can do this, but

but fuck up I don't want to have to do that every day and also coffee wears off like so I'll often have like my morning coffee and I'll get a burst of energy and like yeah let's do this but it wears off and then I feel more tired than I did before and then I just want to lay down again and it fucking sucks um I

I'm so excited to be finally entering my medication journey. I think that this is what I've needed. I mean, I've known this is what I've needed, but when they diagnosed me with ADHD, they were like, okay, perfect. You have really bad ADHD. Don't know how you've actually gone this far in life without a diagnosis. Kind of crazy. Here's 50 pages of paperwork you'll need to fill out. You'll need to book two follow-up appointments today. Okay. And you need a letter from your GP. You need all these things. And then we'll discuss medication with you. And I was like,

what? Like, really? Like, you don't have another method for me? You can't help me at all? Like, you know this isn't getting done. And it's very common. I've been speaking to a lot of my friends about it. It's like, that's the first hurdle, bitch, and I'm not getting over it. Like, I would actually rather suffer, okay, than do what you just asked me to do. That's the whole fucking reason I'm here, bitch. I can't do paperwork, okay? Can't do anything. I could barely get on this phone call, and I feel useless, and I hate it because I'm smart.

I think that's the worst thing about all of this is I'm genuinely not lazy or stupid. You know? I have a university degree that I worked my ass off to get and I have been someone who consistently goes out into the world and challenges myself and then my ADHD would just be like, get fucked. Like, I'm gonna make you lay in bed for two weeks straight and you're gonna genuinely have the most horrible perception of yourself because...

you're gonna tell yourself you're lazy and also so is everyone else but there's gonna be nothing you can do about it and even though your personality contradicts being lazy it's just not my problem you're just gonna have to lay in bed now and I'm like oh okay so I'm very relieved to be medicated although I don't know if you guys can tell just from my energy in this podcast I feel wired I'm like this probably isn't the permanent medication solution for me they will probably need to change what I'm on it's also making me very dizzy which is interesting like I

I genuinely am not going to drive until I get like a review because I can just, it's like, I'm not like falling over. I'm not like dizzy. It's just like my, there's something wrong with my vision and I'm not sure what it is. Like I just can tell I'm like, my head feels a bit strange. I feel good, but my head feels strange. I'm a little bit dizzy and something is wrong with my vision. So I'm just not gonna, I'm not gonna risk it. I'm not gonna drive until I get a review and tell them about it because I did Google it.

and it does save to be careful so yes he did and they did mention it to me as well but I I have this weird thing where I think I'm invincible like if a doctor's like you might get this side effect from this drug I'm like that's not for me I don't know who you trialed this on okay but they're a different type of person than I am okay because I don't I don't have ailments nothing's wrong with me as I sit there in the doctor's office begging for Medicaid do you understand where I'm like I'm genuinely not in a sound space of mine but turns out side effects can get

Pretty little girls like me too. So I'm dizzy. I'll be honest with you. I am dizzy. But it's okay. We're going to review it. I just, I imagine that I will be coming back to you next week with a medication update.

update because I don't think I can stay like this. I think this is like a level of energy that's probably too much for me and also I think if I stayed like this long term I would have the burnout of all burnouts because if I'm wired like this every day of my life, like my brain is genuinely gonna blow a fucking fuse. Seriously, like and I don't even mean that metaphorically. I'm gonna hear it and then I'm gonna be like no. Okay so anyways, getting away from the topic of ADHD, I have...

the first of many exciting stories to tell you about dating, okay? I didn't go on a date. I am not ready to go on a date. But you know what I did do? I was texting with someone and it reminded me why I don't do that. Because I was texting with this guy and he was nice. He was actually, he was very respectful and sweet, okay? And

I met him in person and he asked my number and usually that's just like a full fucking no like absolutely not I just don't I don't I don't know I don't know how I expect to ever date again if I don't give my number to anyone but I do not give my number to anyone I don't know what it is you you can send me a pigeon with a date and a time on a note okay I'm not giving you my number I don't know why and I will have to obviously get over that but I'm not ready okay I said it here first

Not ready to give men my number. And I haven't done it for so long that I'm just like almost trained to be like, no, you can't have it. Because obviously people ask. Obviously. Oh, oh.

Obviously people ask, okay? It's like the first time I've been asked for my number in so long. But regardless, he asked for my number, okay? And I gave it to him. And then I was texting him. And he was very sweet. I could tell he was like, like this, this, I don't know. I'm not going to actually trash his personality. He's a nice boy. And then I said, I invited him to come out. I was like, I'm going out tonight. Like, maybe you want to join. Like, bring your friends and like, meet me there. I don't know.

I don't know what I was thinking. I was going crazy. And he asked how old I was. And I saw my opportunity. So I told him I'm 17 because that's one of my favorite things to do. It's my inside joke with myself. I find that funny. So I told this guy I'm 17. And he was like, I hope that's a joke. So I told him he's no fun. I said I'm 24. And then he was like, I am fun. So I was like, okay, like if you say so.

He said, you sound like you might be funny. What? You sound like you might be funny. Actually, what happened to romance? Like...

I haven't been in the game for a while, as we know. I was with my assistant whilst this conversation was going on, and I was kind of just like, are you seeing what I'm seeing? By the way, guys, I also got an assistant. I don't know why I'm offended by it. Maybe he meant it in a nice way. I genuinely think a lot of men don't realize how they come off. Maybe he came off fine. I don't know. Maybe I would say that to someone. You sound like you might be funny. No, I wouldn't. Not if I was trying to fuck them. That's not what I would say. I would say you're funny. That's

That's what I would say. And then I would send them my home address. Anyway, moving on. I went to my first LA birthday party. Go me. And I loved it. I had a lot of fun. It was Tara's birthday party. And I realized that I'm getting old. Like,

People say you have a second puberty in your 20s, and I kind of always was like, that's whatever. No, it's, no, you don't. Yeah, you do. Like, my body and my metabolism is not what it used to be. For context, when I was at university, my average drink on a night out was three bottles of wine.

granted they were not the strongest wines ever because they were £2.50 from Aldi, they were still wine and it was full of sugar and sugar's the main thing that gets you hungover because it dehydrates you and it was full of sulfates, full of shit, okay, and alcohol. So if I even had one glass of that wine now, I would be off for three days, like genuinely. But I think most people would be. It's

literal poison but that was my average drink and I would be hungover for about five hours the next morning okay my hangovers were limited to morning times by the evening I was ready to go again

And that is just not the case for me anymore. Granted, I have upped the scale of my drinking some, okay? Now we drink, you know, fancy tequilas and whatnot. So I get why I'm probably more hungover than I used to be. But also, no, because you're meant to be less hungover the more quality of drink you have. And a lot of it's the mixer, I feel like, because it always depends for me, like, what mixer I have with my drink, how shit I'm going to feel the next day. Like, if it's

It just dehydrates you and your body just can't like process the alcohol anymore. Anyway, I went to this party and I'm not gonna lie, I got very drunk. I actually went to the party with my friend. She was visiting from, she's from upstate New York and she had just done a road trip across America and she happened to get to LA this exact day and I was like, oh my God, will you please accompany me to...

to a party that I'm way too scared to go to and she came with me and it was so fun to just to do it with her because we have been friends since I was 19 since I worked in America on a ranch in Pennsylvania I dropped this law last week and a lot of people were like you did what when and I realized I've never I have talked about it I definitely talked about it but I haven't like given detail

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This episode is brought to you by Mejuri. You know, I had a thought the other day. Since Rwanda jewelry becomes something we only bought on special occasions, Mejuri approaches fine jewelry a little bit differently. Each one of their pieces is handcrafted by jewelers committed to quality craftsmanship as well as ethical and sustainable jewelry production. Created by women for women, Mejuri is breaking down barriers in what has long been an exclusive and occasional category of men buying for women.

In 2020, the brand launched the Missouri Empowerment Fund in support of higher education for underrepresented women and non-binary individuals. Because fine jewelry doesn't have to cost the world. Feel good about your jewelry in more ways than one. Start stacking your favorites, shop online or visit the website to find a store near you.

What a lot of people in the UK and like Australia do is called Camp America. So if you're American, you probably don't know about this. I don't know. But it's basically like a scheme where you get hired to work at an American summer camp and you get paid. I'm genuinely not kidding you. I think I got like...

25 cents an hour. Like I wasn't paid. And I don't know how that's legal. I think it's something to do with the visa that you get given when you do work like that. You do it for the experience, not for the money. And to be fair, I mean, I walked away from the summer with $500 and they, that was, no, I'm lying. I did get paid more than that because they took my flights out of my pay. So all in all, I probably got paid like maybe like $2,000, but I worked all

almost 24 hours a day, six days a week for seven weeks. So you know what I mean. The money is not the motivation.

People go because they put you up for a summer. You don't have to worry about rent. You don't have to worry about food. They feed you. They house you. Everything's taken care of. But you work your ass off for these little kiddies. And most of the camps that people go to are like the rich camps. So it's like the camp I went to was like $10,000 per term for the kids to attend. So these kids were not, you know, not your regular children. They were quite well off and fine.

from very specific kind of lives. And it was so interesting to me because it was literally like being in the movies. It was like being in like Wild Child, you know, except like opposite. Like if everyone was like the Wild Child of Wild Child and I was the odd one out. It was amazing. It was the best experience I've probably ever had in my life. That was actually the summer I lost complete hearing in one of my ears. And it was just like...

oozing and bleeding the entire summer. It was so embarrassing because I'd have like blood dripping down the side of my face. I was so busy working though. I had no time to go to the hospital and I didn't have health insurance in the US. I got got like I got fucking got by your guys's healthcare shit. I literally couldn't afford treatment and I walked into an ER one day after three weeks of being completely deaf and my ear bleeding. I was like, I should probably get this seen. So I went and I got hit with like a $500 bill for walking through the door and I was like,

And then they had to put me on steroids. And I was high off my ass this whole summer because they put me on the strongest fucking steroids. Because I'm not gonna lie, when I arrived to Camp America, I hated it. I was like, what is this shit? It was like high school. Between the counselors, it was like high school. Like there was a very clear hierarchy. And as was usual for me in those kinds of situations, I sat comfortably at the bottom. I made like no friends. Luckily, I was...

I had so the way it worked was we had bunks with like 13 children in and then to each bunk there was like three to four counselors and we slept in there with them. We lived in there with them. So luckily I had another counselor. Her name was Lilz and she was like my best friend at camp and we lived in the same bunk and we had the same kids and I miss her every day. I think about her all the time. She was the coolest girl in the entire world. She was from Colorado. How much cooler can you really get?

And I remember there was this thing at summer camp called Lake House and each bunk of kids would get one night at Lake House. And it was literally what it sounds like. It was a massive house on a lake. It was private. It was filled with snacks. There were beds on the floors. It was a big fun sleepover. And I was really excited for Lake House to happen because I was obviously a bit sick of like

sleeping in a bunk with fucking a million children. I also was... I'm not going to toot my own horn and be like, I was their favorite. But I do feel that some of the other counselors that I had in my bunk with me were not maybe the best. And so the kids, I'm not saying that I was a good counselor. I'm saying that I was their best shot at a hug some days. And so not me and Lilz. Sorry. I love Lilz. But the other...

the other counselors were a little bit more uptight and a little bit older. So it was me and Lilz at the same age. The kids, therefore, woke either me or Lilz up every night when ultimately someone had diarrhea every night. Everyone was sick all the fucking time somehow. And I was always the one to get the poke in the middle of the night. And I was so excited to go to Lake House because I was like...

I get to sleep in my own room. The kids are going to be in the other room. They're going to be up in my eating fucking popcorn and it's going to be amazing. We ended up sitting out on the porch, me and Lilz, the entire night. It was the only night we'd had with like no children. We were genuinely co-parenting. We sat on the porch and...

there were all these flashing lights and in the UK we don't have fireflies but obviously I know what they are and she explained to me that they were like doing mating signals and I can't even remember what she taught me about them but they were all talking to each other through the flashes and she was teaching me about it and then she like

Went into the woods and she came back with like a frog in her like fist like this. And I was like, oh my god. And then we went skinny dipping in the pond. I think I may have been in love with Lilz. I'll be honest with you. I think about her all the time. And I remember she was from Colorado, right? Like I said. And she was a big wilderness girl. And so everyone at camp...

was a counselor, and they also had day jobs. So I was a horse riding instructor. Lilz was a wilderness person. I don't know what she did. She lived in this wilderness tent. They would take the kids on like hikes, show them animals and shit. It was really cool. And one day I was at the horses and we were at the barn and

and it was me and like six other girls that worked there. Which, by the way, there was so much tea. There was so much drama that occurred in that barn alone. I could make three podcast episodes about it. I don't know what the fuck was going on down there. It was literally like war. One day I remember being down at the barn and I look up this hill and it's Lilz and her entire wilderness team. And they were walking down and...

she was like I convince everyone to work here for the day because like no one's at the wilderness hut and I was like no fucking way and we spent the whole day like talking at this fucking ranch genuinely peak of my life like it was like being at school like I didn't feel like I was at work as much as I felt like I was at school or genuinely attending summer camp myself like it was

A lot of work, for example, an average day would look like you've slept the whole night in the bunks. For me, wake up was 6am because we were at the horses, which meant they needed to be taken care of before anyone else at the camp woke up because they had their own needs that needed to be met and you can't do both. So we would wake up an hour before the rest of the camp.

We would go down and we would feed the horses, we'd poo pick and we would get them in for the day. At 7am, the rest of camp would wake up. So my other counselors would get the kids out of bed and then bring them to the breakfast hall where I would then go and meet them and eat with them. Then we would take them all back to the bunk, get them ready for the day and send them off on their way to their activities. And then we would go work at our posts for the entire day.

When we were given breaks, we were given one 50-minute break. And it was usually, like, in the morning, a 50-minute break. And then we would go for lunch with the kids, which also kind of felt like a break because we were just sitting there eating with them. So it was like you got off your feet at least. So I would say two hours a day would be, like, how much time we got off. And then...

back to work then it was take the kids to the bunk get them showered get them ready for dinner then it was also an activity so they would go to this like kind of like a game room and we would have to like accompany them and keep an eye on them and know where they are and there would be snacks and they would like hype these kids up on sugar don't know why right before bed like give it

any other time of the day. So we'd give them a bunch of sugar and then it was bedtime and bedtime for the older bunks was around 11 p.m. Okay? And my rise time was 6 a.m. And the kids, by the way, wouldn't go to bed at 11. They would go to bed at 1 because they would be talking. I remember one night I was alone in the bunk. So the way that the camp distributed shifts was like you would always try and have two counselors on at one time. Okay? And for some reason

they decided that I could deal with it by myself and that I would be the sole counselor alone once a week I would do it by myself 13 children mind you and they were all teenagers and I was like fuck it and mind you I was 19 okay and I knew that me and these kids didn't have that big of an age gap because I was old enough to kind of know that like they were like 13 to 14 and I was 19 so that's a big difference in maturity but regardless I knew like I'm not that much older than you

Whereas they thought I was like a grown ass woman. So I was like, okay. But I knew like these are borderline my fucking peers. At least in like five years they will be. So let me not like be too much of a bitch to these girls. I was on my own on this night shift and I told the girls a hundred times I'd go the fuck to bed. It was so late. I was so tired. And I don't know why they thought that I had left.

They thought I was outside because every night we used to have to fill in paperwork about the day, about any issues, any upsets, what they ate, how they were. And I guess it would get sent home to the parents. So they thought I was outside doing that. I had gone to bed and I was so tired. I just like lay down in my bed, but the lights were already off because I told these bitches to go to fucking sleep.

So they all just assumed I wasn't in there. And I had been really quiet. So fair enough that they thought that. Anyway, the conversations 13-year-old girls will have when they think no adult is present are insane. And I remember having them myself. So I wasn't surprised. But I was like, oh my god, like...

I thought you guys were better than this. You know what I mean? Like, I just had never seen that side to them before. I was like, no way. You guys know about this. No way you're having these conversations right now. And I let it go on for like five minutes, mostly because I was curious. I was like, tell me what else you know. Also, I was getting a lot of gossip about like the cat boys. And I was like, no way.

This is who's dating that person. Like I was getting intel. Okay. I was gathering data. And then it got out of hand. And they started bullying another girl in the bunk. So I sat bolt upright in my bed. Like a fucking Frankenstein robot. Like so...

bolt upright and I screamed at them I said go the fuck to bed right now and also apologize to this girl and I've never heard screams so loud guys it wasn't just a jump scare it was an initial jump scare of like we didn't know you were here and then the screams that followed were genuine terror of you just heard what we were talking about and obviously I didn't give a fuck I was like

you're allowed to know weird shit. Like, I don't, I'm not for a single second sat here thinking that you, as a 13-year-old girl, do not know what sex is. Like, do your worst. Not do your worst, oh my god, but like, have these conversations. I would give a flying fuck. What I was mad about was that they were bullying this other girl.

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So the next day I called some of the girls out and I said to them, like, I want to talk to you about what I heard last night because I was really upset about what they said about this other girl. And I just didn't want her to, I don't know. It just needed a conversation regardless. Anyways. So I called them. I was like, tell me what was going on last night. And obviously they thought that I was referring to the other conversation they had been having, which was like,

It was age appropriate. Like, I don't give a fuck. I know what kind of conversations they're going to have, but they didn't know. You know what I mean? Like, they genuinely thought I was like this grown woman. Actually, at the time I was 18. I hadn't even had my birthday yet. Me and these girls have like four years in age difference.

maximum and so they were all freaking out they were like I'm so sorry like how much did you hear and I could tell oh you think I'm mad that you were talking about whatever you were talking about and I genuinely started laughing I was like oh my god you guys like I'm not trying to have a conversation about that like please like you would you couldn't pay me enough

to have the sex talk with someone else's kid. Also, I'm 18. I'm borderline a virgin myself. What the fuck is this? And I had to correct it. I'd be like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Forget that. I'm just trying to talk to you about the last thing I heard before I yelled at you. And they were like,

So it was so fucking funny. I genuinely miss, I miss the job because first of all, kids are really funny. I genuinely like kids. Like I don't get when people are like, oh, fuck, kids are so annoying. I don't like a certain age of child. Like I genuinely don't enjoy being in the presence of like a seven-year-old. That's like, get the fuck out of my face, please. But like working with kids was genuinely fun for me. And also like it proved a lot,

about myself to myself like I didn't know that I had I didn't know I could care about something really up until that point I'd never gone to university like I was fresh out of high school basically and I had gone away to this camp just like wanting to see what American summer camp was like and I had come out like this person with these new like personality traits like I didn't realize I had so much like a persistence in me if that makes sense like I went deaf at that summer camp I lost

literally 50% of my hearing, but I remained there against probably genuinely the best advice. I should have gone home. I should have like got myself cared for, but I didn't. And thank God things worked out. But I didn't because I was like, I care about these kids so much. Like I don't want to like leave. And like, I don't know. It just, it never felt right. Also the way they would make you leave summer camp was so fucked. So I had this friend and I'm pretty sure he got fired. I don't

I don't want to make any false allegations here, but I'm pretty sure he got fired. He said that he left, but I think fired. And they told him, you have to leave immediately because we can't have any of the kids knowing that you're leaving. It's going to upset them too much. So you just have to disappear. And they would make people disappear. So no one ever had a day where everyone was like, oh my God, you're leaving tomorrow. Like you're quitting or you got fired. Like there was never a dramatic moment of like, oh my God, did you just get fired? You're packing your bags. People would just go.

And it was like they would get eliminated. You know what else was crazy? When we first arrived, we were given a lot of talks about like safeguarding and everything.

mostly we were taught very, very specifically how to spot a predator in someone else. So I remember they called us all into this big hall and it was this professional and he was basically telling us like, these are the signs of a predator and this is what you need to look for. And it was like a two hour long class on all the ways that an adult may manipulate a child, all of the small, subtle personality signs that you should look for, that you should report.

and all the little things that might give you an inkling that there's something wrong and how to report them and everything and I remember something that gave me like kind of chills at the end was he was like there's like 500 people in this room it's not unlikely someone's come here with ill intentions and he directly spoke to the person in the room we don't know who it was but

statistically probably it was someone in that room, unfortunately. And he said, if you have come here with ill intentions for these children, I want you to know every single person in this room right now knows exactly what to look for in you and they will see it

and they will report you. So you should leave now. He was like, so many people leave on the first day of camp. So many people leave in the first week of camp. If it's not today, make it tomorrow, but go home. And I remember catching a chill and being like, I think he's in the room with us right now.

So, anyway, a lot of people did leave in the first week, too. Like, I would say we lost, like, 10% of the staff. Not for that reason, I fucking hope, but it was just, like, people just weren't cut out for it. Like, it was a... I don't think anyone knew how intense the job was gonna be. You don't get any privacy. Like...

Like for six or seven weeks, you don't pee alone. You don't shit alone. You don't sleep alone. Like it's a big transition. And most of the people who do come to America are within the ages of like 18 to like, I'd say like 25. And it is a really, it's an intense job. And like, I remember being so jealous because all the counselors knew each other. And then there was the chefs.

and they were kept completely separate. It was kind of weird, because they were all our age as well. They were kept completely separate from us. They lived in different quarters. They didn't have any contact with the children. They were just chefs. But they were all young, and they were fucking. Like, the chefs were...

fucking okay and they were smoking and they had their own houses and I was so fucking jealous I was like you guys just clock in clock out fuck each other live here for free get to smoke get to sleep in peace what is this and I know you're getting paid more than me okay it was so fucking unfair but I was they it's good to see people happy you know what I mean like I would walk past their houses and be like

Good for you. And actually, I remember deciding I was going to apply for summer camp. So I went the year after my first year of university. So my freshman year, okay, when that finished, that's when I went to summer camp. And I remember I had got the bus from my university into London to apply for the job because they would host these things kind of like when you're looking at universities and there's like a room full of tables and at each table is a person from each university and you go up and you speak to them and get like a fucking leaflet. It was like that, but for summer camps.

So I got this bus up from my uni to London, which was unheard of for me. Couldn't afford that. And London was just such like a dazzling thing for me. Like I never went, but I loved London. And so I was so excited to get to go. And I was having a really hard time just in life in general. I was so fucking depressed. Like...

And genuinely, like, my entire life was bed rotting. And it was just awful. I was also drinking way too much. It was just bad. And I was living in, like, a really dingy place at the time as well. And it was just bad. Like, everything in my life just kind of was sad and dark.

And so I went up on this bus and I was like, I'm going to go see about this Camp America thing. And I walked in and there was, it was like America in a bottle. Okay. And I had never seen anything like it. And I was talking to all these different camps and they were showing me their, their land. And it was like, literally like out of a parent trap. Like that's how everything looked. And I was like, whoa, like I could go to one of these places. And then I walked up to this one table and they were like, what do you do? And I was like,

Good question. I horse ride. Yes. Really? I was like, yeah, why? Do I not look like I would know how to do that? They were like, no, you do. It's just we're looking for equestrians. Like our equestrian team is completely empty. And I was like, well, I mean, that's good because I'm an equestrian and I'm here, you know, so sign me up. And they did. So then I went and I took horse riding lessons again because I was like, well, shit. And that's how I got my job.

This episode is brought to you by HydroJug. One of the hottest things ever is when someone knows how to take care of themselves. And here's the thing, Daddy Gang, if I see someone with a HydroJug traveler, I know they know how to take care of themselves. I personally, in the past couple of years, have been like, why am I not taking better care of myself? A.K.A. why am I not hydrating better? And it has been

mission of mine over the past couple of years to just constantly stay hydrated. It helps your skin. It helps your mood. It just helps all around every aspect of your life. But the best part about these bottles is the leak-proof design. You can run around with it, toss it in your bag without worrying about spills. Perfect for any final summer adventures. I'm going to be real. My least favorite thing is if I have a random water bottle that just completely ruins every bag. I'm like, oh,

Oh my gosh, I guess I didn't fully close it. Not with HydroJug. This summer, I'm spending a lot of time in Europe for work and it has been so hot. It is currently 90 degrees where I'm at and I don't have to think about saying hydrated. HydroJug Traveler helps me. Daddy gang, the HydroJug Traveler is not just a great way to say hydrated. It's pretty cute too. It's sleek and comes in all different colors and designs for all of the fashion girlies. You can get accessories or a travel sleeve for it or...

leave it plain or dress it up with some stickers. There are so many different ways to make it yours. Obviously, I'm drawn to pinks because call her daddy at all times, always. But make it your own. You got this. Staying hydrated has never been easier or looked so good. The Hydro Jug Traveler is a real game changer. Get your Hydro Jug Traveler at thehydrojug.com and use the code UNWELL to get 10%.

10% off your order today. Again, that's code UNWELL for 10% off at thehydrojug.com. But I figured I like I can get on a horse and still ride it like relatively well. Like I was at a

my friend's ranch in America, like, last week, and he had horses, and I was riding one. And I could stay. I realize, like, I'm not the worst rider ever. Like, I can stay on. I can sit. I can go fast on the pony, you know? But you lose all the muscle in your legs. Like, it's genuinely very tricky to do, like, rising trot when you're not...

attuned to it in your body like you have muscle memory but like the muscle's not there though I was in I'm still actually sore from riding that horse and it was over a week ago because you know all the right muscles to like engage and you know how to sit but the muscles haven't been used in five fucking years and it's so painful it's like the most intense workout you could possibly do I think but yeah so then after I got hired for this fucking equestrian team in Pennsylvania I was like shit I

Let me call up the old place where I used to horse ride and see if they will give me lessons again because someone's going to have to reteach me right now. And I got lessons and a job at the farm. And actually, I kind of forgot about the lessons pretty quickly. I was like, oh, this is fine. I can ride pony. But let me remember how horses work. So I worked at the branch. Branch is such an American word. I worked at the farm and like...

fed the ponies and cleaned the ponies and I started teaching kids how to ride to get a little bit of practice in and it was fun. I don't regret it. Sometimes you just have to lie. Sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and lie. You know what I mean? Like sometimes opportunities won't happen for you if you tell the truth because you're not equipped for them so sometimes sometimes one must lie and

The thing about that is also very interesting. That should give you confidence in your workplace, I think, because there's people who are less qualified than you who are just there because they're fucking lying, okay? So if you genuinely think, I might be kind of good at what I do, you should really think you're really very good at what you do because I could almost guarantee you that a lot of your peers are not, okay? A lot of people just lie. I'm one of them, I know, okay?

I'm a big fat liar. But only when it, you know, is in a professional setting. I wouldn't lie to a loved one. But you know what actually offended me? I looked at the piece of paper when I left the room. I got hired on the spot, mind you. Like, I walked into that room jobless and left with a seven-week...

job on a branch in Pennsylvania. Luckily, it was like six months away. They hire in advance. So I had time to prepare, but it was relatively shocking. And I actually remember I got the bus home that night and I was driving through like central London and I was looking out the window. It was so pretty. And I remember thinking like, this is the first good thing. I was like, I think my life's going to get better. And I think this was the first good thing that I've done for myself and it will open up more good things. And it was. But anyways, so the one thing about this ADHD medication as well is like, I took it

what time did I take it? I took it around nine, eight or 9am. And then by 10am, I was singing thoughts into the fucking ceiling. Okay. It is now 1123. Can you see that? And I'm like, do I need another dose? The dose I'm on is very small and it's like a fast acting one. So I'm like, I don't know. I think I need to call up my psychiatrist and be like, am I allowed to like double dose it? Like, I don't know what the rules are with this.

Because also, am I going to think I need another dose? And then I take another dose. And then suddenly, I'm like genuinely Frankensteining it up in my basement. I don't know. Like this morning, I genuinely said to my friend, I'm going to invent something. We may need...

to not take another dose today. Anyways, but I just don't know the rules. I'm getting to grips with it. Reminder to be nice to me, okay? Because this is my second day on this medication and I am completely unfamiliar with it. And I have no advice, by the way. I'm just telling you my problems. Like, I'll come with advice in a month or so. Give me a sec to cook.

Okay, but by next week, I will have had my follow up appointment, I will know a little bit more I can impart some wisdom and knowledge on to you. But everyone kept asking me in my because I said on Instagram like, good morning from a girl who took ADHD medication and finally did like a year's worth of paperwork genuinely wasn't kidding about that, by the way, like that genuinely was true. Um,

And everyone in my DMs was like, which one? I'm not going to tell you that. I feel like that's wrong. I feel like that's deranged. If you need ADHD medication, you should speak to a healthcare provider, not to me. But I'm relieved to say the least. Even if this is not the most long-term solution for me, this medication specifically, because again, I don't know if you guys can tell...

I don't... Well, first of all, I edit these podcasts, but I don't have an editor. Usually, when I film a podcast, they are full of pauses, and they get edited out, okay? Obviously, you guys don't know that because they get edited out, but it's full of pauses. And this time, correct me if I'm wrong, I don't think that there's been many pauses. I've been filming for 52 minutes straight. Okay, that's insane. Remember when I was like, I don't think I have concentration now. I think we do. Okay. Okay.

well good to know I'm learning like I said I could if I if I had to guess I'd been here for 10 minutes it's been 52 minutes oh 53 now I again you guys don't know the back end of like this podcast but like usually I film for 40 minutes max it's painful the entire time and I have to take pauses every five minutes to be like what am I gonna talk about next uh apparently I have plenty to say this week next week and and and and and

And please see me for what I am right now. I'm in my pyjamas and I have my Uggs halfway on my feet. And I'm in my car at home. Hence, I am vulnerable, okay? This was a vulnerable podcast. You are seeing me in a very bare state of like, I don't know. I'm like trialing something, okay? We're trialing things. This may not be my permanent state of being. Please don't be mean to me in the comments. If I look rough, shut the fuck up about it, okay? I saw someone comment on my last one, my last podcast. They were like...

I just wish this girl would get hair and makeup done. Okay. Me too. I'll be honest with you, but it's just not going to happen. I think I've said enough. God, I need to take a deep breath. I'm going to go, and I will see you guys next week. Same time, same place. Will it be the same place? Probably. I'm home for a little while, which is nice. It's August. Not much going on. Next month is a big month. We're traveling a lot, guys. We have like...

Well, I don't know yet because I actually don't have my schedule, but fingers crossed we should be going to multiple locations in a short span of time because it will be Fashion Month. And you guys know how I feel about Fashion Month. I love it. So anyways, that is it for this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. Thank you for listening to me rant and or is it rant? I actually never know. Thank you for listening to me speak.

And here's to a new journey of clear skin and a medicated mind. I think it could be beautiful. I truly, it also could go very wrong. It could, but I think it will be beautiful. Fingers crossed. I love you guys. Thank you for listening. And I will see you next week. Pretty lonesome. Bye. Bye.