Me and T
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Hi guys, welcome back to this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. This week I have my friend Toa with me. Get off the fucking phone. Sorry. Sorry. Excuse me. How do we... I genuinely think people need to know that you are the evil genius mastermind. We have been called the cramp twins. We are the cramp twins. No, literally. Tweedledee and Tweedledum. It has been...

The best way I can explain what the past couple weeks have been like is mwe. Every single evil idea that we've had in the last three weeks has come to us at like 4am. Manically. It's actually so funny to me right now because I know the way we've set up this shot looks clean. And I'm just looking at the room around us.

Should we actually take a picture and attach it for later? I'm going to take a picture. It is disgusting in here. And this is like, we cleaned yesterday. Every single day. You guys would not believe the amount of actual garbage we have accumulated. There have been moments where, what, we've taken all the garbage and we actually look at it and we know that all of that has been made today.

Literally. Three bags. Where did it come from? Don't know. Well, actually, we do know exactly where it came from. From Madeline's zap. I have been obsessed with zap because we haven't really been going out. The only time that we've been leaving this apartment is to go get coffee to fuel the bullshit that we've been on every single fucking day for three weeks straight. So I have been living here. This is not my home. I've literally moved in.

And I moved in on the 7th. Yeah. And I've been genuinely so deprived of the outside world because of Madeline and her ZAP.

that yesterday we went outside and we were like this is lovely yeah we were walking around and we were like god isn't it so nice to just be like outside but it was gent it wasn't like even insinuating that you know that we oh my stomach is growling i actually i'm so sorry guys i'm so

she's literally gonna shit her pants that's lies that is lies do not even get me started with what you've done here guys i told t like i don't even know like months ago i was like i'm not gonna lie to you it's crazy like i don't shit like i actually not to be one of those bitches but like

Girls don't poop and I'm a girl. I shit once a month. And we had so many conversations about it being like, it's really concerning for you. You don't shit. And we went to New York together. And I unfortunately... My monthly shit arrived whilst we were there. And I had to get her and my friend to evacuate the hotel room. Actually, you just did it by yourself because you just knew. I just...

There was like desperation in her eyes. Like I didn't have, she didn't have to say anything to me. I just saw the guys. And then her friend was like, they, they came back in a bit earlier and they were like,

girl shits are crazy. Yeah. I was like, no, girl shits aren't crazy. That's just been in my body for four weeks. I don't know how else to tell you that. And I always find it easy. Like, like say you're going to a guy's house. You don't know him that well. Like you're not ready to shit there yet. Like I can be at a guy's house for a week and not run into any issues because I don't shit. Liar. And I don't fart. Guys, every five minutes.

I have to take a toilet break and I don't know what it is. I genuinely think it's because we laugh so much that I'm like contracting my stomach and I just have to shit. You guys, like it is. I was just like, you lied to me. I know. I feel like I lied to myself. No, really. And actually, a big part of my personality has like been departed from me because I'm like, I actually shit and it hurts. I don't know. You can cut this out if you want, but you guys.

The other day, I was sat down here and she was sat where she was. No! Stop right fucking there. Stop right there. Matter of fact, let's tell them about the Barata incident. Guys, this bitch is so lactose intolerant. Like an oat milk girl through and through, like no exceptions. Like I accidentally got her milk tea. She won't drink it.

So why did she order an entire bowl of burrata off of Zap of all places? Eating refrigerated food from Zap is insane. First of all, I don't know where they keep it, but I'm picturing like an Amazon warehouse. Yeah, me too, if you want me to be honest, but I'm imagining industrial fridge. Yeah, I don't know. I don't trust them. And like in the winter, I'm like, it's fine because the warehouse is probably cold. But in summer...

I just don't believe that that burrata is kept as cold as it should be. Unless they do... I don't know how it works. We're... Guys, content idea. Let's go freaking find out where the Zap Warehouse is. Should we? Because I've seen one in my life. And I really wanted to go in. I've seen a lot of... In general, warehouses for stuff like that, online and stuff. I've also seen those ghost kitchens that I told you about. Yeah.

But Zapp Warehouse, I just want to squash this because Zapp has like good quality stuff. True. Like that. No, it's such good quality. This episode is brought to you by Mejuri. You know, I had a thought the other day. Since Rwanda jewelry becomes something we only bought on special occasions...

Mejuri approaches fine jewelry a little bit differently. Each one of their pieces is handcrafted by jewelers committed to quality craftsmanship as well as ethical and sustainable jewelry production. Created by women for women, Mejuri is breaking down barriers in what has long been an exclusive and occasional category of men buying for women. In 2020, the brand launched the Mejuri Empowerment Fund in support of higher education for underrepresented women and non-binary individuals.

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But guys, she sat down and she ate this entire fucking burrata by herself. Tell them why. Well, first of all, me and our friend, we were saying, you're going to shit your pants if you eat that. And she just wouldn't stop. And then as the last bite slid down this girl's throat, in fact, it wasn't even at the back of her mouth yet. Like, it was still in her mouth. It was the last bite.

She got up and mind you, we've all been living together for weeks. We know each other's patterns at this point. If you need to shit, there's a way you go about it, right? She got up. She didn't say goodbye. She didn't announce that she needed to pee. Nothing. She got up and she ran out the room.

Madeline this whole entire time thought I went to go shit myself. Yesterday, I told her the truth about the burrata. She was gonna vomit. It was so gross.

This is so disgusting. The second I actually opened that proj I was like, ew. But I, tell them why I actually, none of it was my fault. I was being so considerate. That's, that was what I was doing. You were being, so what we've been doing is just, we've been eating. Like I've never consumed this much food in my life.

But then at the end of a long day of that, like seven fucking delivery orders, and I'm not even exaggerating, there's so much trash and so much dirt. And we're so bad at taking it out that I'm not going to lie, guys, there is a puddle. It's not a puddle. It's

It looks like somebody's died and it's by the door and it's where a garbage bag had previously sat for like two weeks. And it's some kind of goo and no one's removed it. And the other day I had to peel my shoes off of it.

And also we were talking about this last night. Our whole friendship is based off the fact that we're both like so clean and just love taking care of ourselves. Like when we first became friends, like she would send me like 12 minute videos of her like doing her skincare routine, like sharing hygiene tips. Like this bitch has Dettol in the shower. Like everything is like germ free, like pristine clean. It's like we take joy in it.

Why the fuck am I peeling my Uggs off of a genuine garbage patch goo? And why is she forcing herself to eat an entire bowl of burrata when she's violently lactose intolerant just because if she doesn't, it's going to smell because it's going to sit in a paper garbage bag for upwards of one week. That's why she ate it. I just, I knew I had two options to risk my life.

Or to risk smelling that smell of like cheese in the garbage. Cause I just know, no one's taking the garbage out.

And I decided to spare you. And here I am getting violated on the internet. It was just so funny because the way she ran out of the room, I've never seen her do that before. And I was like, oh, this girl's gonna shit her fucking pants. Like she didn't turn around and say goodbye. She just ran. And me and our friend, we were laughing. Like where is this bitch going in such a rush? And she didn't laugh. Like she was just genuinely gone. And I was like, oh, she's gonna shit herself. And then she came back like,

half an hour later I was like I don't feel good it was so immediate it was literally it didn't even hit your stomach before you knew you fucked up because I already was grossed out from the start that like by the I finally finished it and you guys like I I was playing around with the burrata for so much and it was grossing me out even more that

When I had that last bite and you know when it's like you're about to retch and you're salivating except now imagine there's wet burrata in your mouth.

I had to spare everybody. I went to go lay down on my side of the ceiling for 30 minutes. No joke. Without a phone. I was actually fighting demons. I was praying to God, God, please, please. If you just don't let me vomit this one time, I swear to God, nothing bad will ever happen again. I won't do anything wrong ever again. Those prayers are serious. They're so serious. And I genuinely know. And also T has that thing where like,

If you know you've eaten something and it's grossing you out, even if the food isn't near you anymore, you still can smell it. Like, you almost, like, phantom smell the fucking food. You picture the food. You know that food is in your stomach. Like, that was so nasty. That...

that whole bowl of burrata is in you i know it's so it was and like but it's like chunky and in your stomach and with the tomato i knew that that was going to like my vomit was going to look like that i had to just save myself i'm never doing that again

It's actually so nasty. I know. But do you guys want to know why I actually ordered the burrata? Yeah, why the... Actually, tell us that, Tamer, because you are lactose intolerant. So, by the way, I've been lactose intolerant. I literally have been lactose intolerant since my mom has given birth to me. Also, my mom's going to actually kill me to hear how I've been living. She actually traveled to come and she was like, why are you living like this?

She is an Arab woman. She's not going to be happy about any of this. She's going to be like, Madeline, why did you do this? It's not my fault. I did not. This isn't mine. Sorry, mama. I ordered the burrata because my mom was the one that called me. And she said to me, please, you and your friend, Madeline, have a cucumber and a tomato.

Because she knows that we have not eaten a singular healthy thing. So I ordered fruits. I ordered vegetables. And I ordered tomato and cucumber, as she said. But I know Madeline wouldn't eat any of these things. So I added the fun things to it. So I added the burrata and I added the hummus.

Do you guys want to know what I sat there and I ate? Two Kinder Eggs. Every time I would tell her, please eat vegetables, she's like... She wouldn't do that to me. F off. I have regrets being in your house genuinely. She had to force me to order the salad project. And I've never had that before. And I genuinely don't eat fucking salad ever. Like, I will eat healthy things, but I just won't eat salad. And I find no joy in it. And she had to genuinely beg me

And then as we were ordering the salad project, my card declined. So I could only afford one salad from the salad project.

So I was like, oh, what a shame. Like, you should just order yours. And then I put the second order through for my salad. I was so disappointed that it worked. And I had to eat this fucking salad. I ordered a Diet Coke with it just to defy her a little bit. I'm not even kidding. Trying to order that salad. She was like, oh, dad's serious. No exaggeration. It's too bad I can't order my salad. I think I'm going to get some pizza. I don't know why I'm so like...

genuinely opposed to it. T also said, um, I've basically been saying like, guys, I think my acne is clearing up because like, I cut some negativity out my life and like, I'm not so stressed anymore. And she was like, you've been on birth control for seven fucking years. Have you ever tried eating a vegetable? Oh my God.

This is your favorite personality, guys. Let me tell you about this girl. She, I've never seen anyone live like her before. So remember how she just said, like, our whole friendship is literally based on the fact that, like, we're clean girls. She lied to me. She... Thumbnail picture. Okay.

She, I've like genuinely she she's like six years old. I feel responsible for her. I asked her to she's like, I have a headache. The first three questions I asked her is did you drink water? Did you have food? Did you move around?

because chances are she didn't do any of those things. She pops ibuprofen like it's nobody's business. Yeah, she was like, you know, you're meant to understand the root cause of the issue before you pop a painkiller about it. And she blew a raspberry at me again. Anything I tell this girl, like you are so concerning. I don't know why I've started doing that. Madeline, wake up. It's literally 1 p.m. I have to actually to wake her up.

I have to mist her with water. She has a spray bottle. And that was a mutual agreement between us that that was acceptable behavior for her because there is no other way to get me out of bed. She has to come in with water. And you know what the worst part is? I fucking love it. Like the one day you actually got me with it and I genuinely wasn't waking up. I think it was this morning. No, it was yesterday. I have the video. We can attach that one too. Guys, wait, how do they do it?

You know when they attach videos to the thing. I need to show you guys her phone. Give me your phone. As I was waking her up, back-to-back alarms were going off. I'm just going to read them out to you. Because I was like, I swear to God, I've heard seven.

go off like how is she how is this actually just read out maybe even just the time stamps of these fuck no i'm gonna read out the whole thing mind you guys this is a girl who sets two alarms in the morning that's it that's all i need i need one for 6 a.m and one for eight 8 27 doctor 8 30 doctor 8 50 netflix 905 bugs outside that was when i was potty training huh

9.15, Instagram. 9.16, Freckle video. 9.40, meeting. 9.57, reschedule, doctor. Because I slept through it. 10 o'clock in the morning, by parking. 10.05, your laundry. 10.07, take earring. 10.10, all caps, jorts. 10.12,

K-18, 10-15, Ring James, 10-21, all caps, batteries, remote, 10-24, digitals. You guys, this is like, I was like, Manon, the reason why you get nothing done is because you have them back to back like this. You have 15 things. Please let me see this. It's genuinely insane. My favorite one was the last one. What's that? Like scroll, the first alarm you've ever made. The first or the last? First, like the first.

No, you scroll down like that way. There's genuinely, I have to, like, why am I 301, 307, 311, 313, 316, 34, 34, 456, 458, 530, 534, 647, 652, 655. No, no, she actually doesn't actually need to tell you any of this. Just consider every second of every minute of your day, there is something ringing.

She has every, the full 24 hours and the minutes within them are all on her phone. It's insane. And you want to know why she doesn't get things done? Why? Read this out. 6.30, phone call to thing. Phone call to thing is so funny. 6.01, Mother's Day card. It's very cute. 2.45, rinse tan. 2.30, bring tea clothes.

And I know I fucked that up. And she didn't. And I remember she had withheld my jeans, the only jeans I own, for months. And she was like, I had alarms for this. So ominous. 118. Gwen is coming. That's such a threat. What is she going to do? But yeah, being with Madeline for this long, she is the best way I can put it.

Baby sister. Just completely fucking incapable, to be honest with you. You can put it that way, too. Yeah. We actually had this planned out, and we were going to start off with the actual birthday and why she's been here for three weeks. So it actually started with us going to your house. Well, me going to your house. So T and her friend came to my house the night of my birthday, right? And if you saw, they were in full gorilla suits. Yeah.

And they surprised me. Guys, they couldn't see out of the suits. But what I was seeing was that they were genuinely in imminent fucking danger because my dog was about to fuck them up.

They both walked into my house making monkey noises and my dog genuinely thought we were under attack and she didn't stand down for a good five minutes and then she took off her fucking gorilla mask finally in the kitchen. Before you actually go on, your dog, Bugs...

she was she wasn't barking she was screaming so now imagine i'm also technically screaming and my friend is also screaming so me and my friend now are turning this into a competition because we're like they're louder and they're saying i'm louder so we're getting louder and louder as the dog is getting louder because we did not like we can't see the dogs there

So progressively that house literally sounded like a genuine circus. And I only realized that something was wrong when I caught a glimpse of Mads from my mask. And she was like... I was so worried for them. Like they were genuinely about to get bit by my fucking dog.

But it was so cute because once he took off her mask, I held my dog up so she could properly see her face. And obviously they know each other. And she went from genuinely fucking terrified to like, I can't believe it was you. You were in so much danger. She doesn't know it was me.

me that was under the suit and it's so sad to actually think about it she had no idea who was in the suit and then she saw T and she was like oh my fucking god she got so excited she was like clambering to give you a kiss yeah she's so freaking cute but like you came out of nowhere that must have been so exciting for her I know right the surprise was actually for her she's the funniest dog I've genuinely ever seen in my life like

She jumps so damn high. I know.

We have a picture. I'll put it in. And I like if I tell Bug to jump, she knows the word. So I was telling her like jump and she jumped to my fucking face height. My new my dog is a French bulldog. Like she's this fucking big. So how the fuck did you get up there? And there are so many and they're all in different spaces. I think the funniest one was when you were like, do you want to see how my dog greeted me this morning? And she turned on her ring camera and she showed me the recording because it recorded her.

And she just opened the door and bugs went flying up. Do you remember that? It's what she does. And she's such a little, should we talk about how she nearly fucking killed herself again yesterday? Guys, yesterday, like, and mind you, I'm a first time mom. Okay. So like I was like a helicopter parent and I would take her to the vet for everything. But like,

Her current, like her previous offenses include swallowing an entire lamb rib hole to the point that it couldn't even fit in her stomach. So it was poking out of her throat and hitting her asshole at the same time. She's so small. I don't know what she was thinking. She also got an entire fully formed candy cane stuck in her fucking throat. She didn't chew it once.

stupid bitch. That was so bad. Christmas. Yeah. And then also like, she's just a walking bill. I took her to get spayed. I'm thinking this is like an expected surgery. So why when I pick her up, are they like, I'm not going to lie to you. She still has a fucking ovary. Yeah.

What do you mean? They're like, yeah, you might just have to bring her back for like round two. We just, it's like tough. We couldn't get it. Like it's, it's like in a bad, I can't actually remember. It was like a, it's like in her organ or something. Like it's not where it's meant to be. Like we just can't get the ovary. She might still be like able to get pregnant. I was like,

What do you mean? She's genuinely iconic woman. She's so funny. What was the other thing she... Oh, the other time was actually not her fault. She ate gravel. She ate gravel and she was shitting and vomiting gravel for days. Imagine a dog just vomiting rocks. Like, whoa. Like, rocks. And then I, like, it was on my balcony of my flat at the time. So, like, I'm not gonna lie, guys. I didn't wash the vomit away immediately. But, like, it rained.

And there was just a pile of rocks left. I was like, what is wrong with you? No, no, no. Do you remember what had happened? I actually found out because I was like, Mads, like I was cleaning her balcony and I was like, what? Like you have no rocks anywhere near you. Why do you have just a pile of like rocks that is so random? Sorry, that was bugs. I was like, what? And she was like,

She ate rocks. And like, I don't know why, like, they smell good to you. It's so strange. I can't lie, it's like me when I ate sand. Yeah. This episode is brought to you by Mejuri. You know, I had a thought the other day. Since Rwanda jewelry becomes something we only bought on special occasions...

Mejuri approaches fine jewelry a little bit differently. Each one of their pieces is handcrafted by jewelers committed to quality craftsmanship as well as ethical and sustainable jewelry production. Created by women for women, Mejuri is breaking down barriers in what has long been an exclusive and occasional category of men buying for women. In 2020, the brand launched the Mejuri Empowerment Fund in support of higher education for underrepresented women and non-binary individuals.

Because fine jewelry doesn't have to cost the world. Feel good about your jewelry in more ways than one. Start stacking your favorites, shop online, or visit the website to find a store near you. Hey y'all, Marci Martin here with a little Tampax story. One time I went on vacation in the Bahamas with some friends, and of course I got my period.

I didn't want anything to stop me from living my best life on my trip. So I was like, why not be brave and try Tampax? Before that, I really just thought tampons were for adults, and I definitely thought they'd be uncomfortable. Guess what, y'all? They really aren't. It might take a few tries, but once it's in right, you shouldn't feel it, which is great. For a better way to period, just add Tampax.

this bitch genuinely i genuinely i've always you know the kinetic sand yeah oh so good yeah play-doh oh my gosh i never got the lego thing play-doh play-doh yeah and i by the way i ate sand like not too long ago like i just decided that i've always wanted to do this since i was a child and

was actually the worst that can happen and I remember my parents my dad was about to go on like those like things where they go on like the like it's a kite and it goes flying up and he was on the kite and he was screaming no and my mom was like why would you do that and my sister was like if you do that you're literally crazy I just grabbed it and I looked at all of them like oh

It was so satisfying, I'm not gonna lie. So nasty to me. It was so good. Because you can't get it out immediately. That was the only issue. That it was, like, stuck in between my teeth because it's grains. So... Ugh, stop. Yeah. But we met that, like, one lady that, like, she was so sick. We, like, got some clothes from her. She was...

genuinely so iconic Maz by the end of that conversation she was like I feel like I've just entered womanhood do you guys want to know what the conversation was she was like when I was pregnant with my children I craved charcoal

and chalk and she had to go like get like um approved by her doctor yeah to like she said she had a chalk guy yeah and her daughter was like yeah you're chalk addiction you're you're no you're chalk drug chalk dealer yeah chalk dealer that's what it was

So fucking funny. And she was like, yeah, like there are specific ones that like you should get. And she made it sound so good. And I were like salivating. Yeah, I'm I actually can't think about that for too long because I do want to try chalk. It does look delicious to me.

And I can't lie, charcoal also does make sense. Like meringue. Yes. Oh my gosh, yes. But like meringue is too soft for me and I don't like the way it like melts. Like it is still sugar. Like it melts like sugar in your mouth. I hate that. Chalk wouldn't do that. I think that's the next video. Chalk tasting. No, I was talking about the charcoal. Oh. But yes, we should. Okay, next video. Spend a day with us. We're going to the Zap Warehouse. We are also getting chalk.

We are trying charcoal and you're trying sand. No. Yes. I just am not down with the sand. You know, San, you just give me panic attacks. Okay, fine, fine. You only get to eat vegetables and food. Okay.

I do understand that I do need to up my intake of vegetables. Like, I'm not gonna lie, I never understood why parents, like, forced their kids to actually eat fruits and vegetables until I see

see madeline and i like maternal instincts kick in like madeline please eat anything that will sustain you but i think that my joe and the juice sandwiches are salad they just have bread it has mozzarella avocado and jalapenos that's it that's all she has in her act that is my diet those three components and then like a matcha and i was like but it's not unhealthy it's just not healthy

No, it's, you know what would actually be healthy? If you just did it yourself. You made it? You did it yourself. Because it's fast food. Like, things are just, let me not even go on this tangent. But the reason why you also get a lot of headaches is because you don't have any protein in your diet. You said something and I was like, that has zero protein in it. I can't remember. Genuinely, I don't eat protein because I avoid meat.

I'm not vegetarian but I avoid it and I don't eat beans ever unless it's like beans on toast but I genuinely think those are void of protein. There's no source of protein in my entire diet but I don't think I need it because I have extra testosterone that's my theory. She will wake up in the morning and she'll be like I'm in so much pain. Every morning I walk into this living room I have a splitting headache. I want to chop her.

Oh, and there's one thing that she does in the morning that genuinely grosses me out. Oh, we eat eggs. That's protein. We have not eaten any eggs. We do, at Watch House. Two weeks ago. That doesn't count. And you pooped like 20 times a day. In those three brownies I ate. Literally, you guys. She ordered... I told her, like, you need fiber in your diet. You need vegetables. You need water. Stop saying...

stealing all my painkillers. I ordered fiber-rich brownies. They're so expensive. And I told her, like, I genuinely tried in university to, like, be skinny and, like, eat skinny. And it was, like, I was depressed. I had nothing better to do with my time than, like, hyperfixate on that. So...

I started being like, okay, I'm going to like try and eat less. And like, when I do want sugar, I'll buy like these low calorie fiber rich brownies, which are like five pounds a box. And then I would just lay in bed and eat the whole fucking box. And I was like, well now...

Well, now I'm going to shit my pants. And also, I've consumed 700 calories. And it was five fucking pounds. And now I'm broke. And I'm just going to shit my pants. Triple homicide. So I genuinely had to give up. I was like, this life isn't for me. Like, I'll just eat the normal fucking full fat brownies. Fuck it. And also, like, I have been chugging coffee like no other.

Like right now, guys, I'm looking at the coffee table. You can't see there's four coffees. To be fair, though, I have- Well, no, we're going to touch that picture. Yeah. And the fucking water. Guys, these fucking bitches, yeah? We went to go get coffee sometime last week and we sat on the pavement, okay? Because I wanted to smoke a cigarette. I see one of our friends that we were with suddenly has like a wet patch here. I saw her get hit.

And as it had happened, there was a baby going past in a stroller. So I start cracking up. I'm like, I think that baby just fucking like spat on you or like water gunned you. And she's freaking out. She's like, oh my God, no way. And we all stand up to like check around us. Like what happened? Why did you just get like sprayed with water from like an underneath angle too?

As we're stood up, I get hit. And I was like, we're actually being fucking sniped. We are around tall apartment buildings. And the guys, they have eyes on us. We need to fucking evacuate. I'm actually tweaking. And then it happened again. So we call an Uber because I'm genuinely convinced that someone wants bad things to happen to us.

We get in the Uber. We walk down the road, actually, to get away from the situation. The Uber comes to us. Wait, wait, wait. When we went down the road, she's like, they can't get us now. Yeah, I'm like, they can't get us now. Like, we've gone away from the problem. As I'm getting into the Uber, I get hit on the back of my neck. Guys, I was genuinely about to call the police. Because I was also like, I didn't even tell you this at the time. I was like, there is acid in this water. Yeah.

I was literally scratching the back of my neck. Like, there's acid in the water. Like, that's Molly water. Like, it's going to seep into my skin and I'm going to start fucking hallucinating. I was so serious. Like, I'm going to start tripping any second or like my skin's going to fall off. And I was looking at her and I was like...

Maz, it's just kind of impossible for someone to have followed us like that fast and to spray you with hair. Yeah, so she's gaslighting me. And also there was no actual patch on her back. So I think it landed directly into her neck. So it worked in my favor to be like, I was like, I swear to you, there is absolutely nothing on your back. Maz, like calm down. And she was like, tweaking. And guys, so we get in the Uber and we go to this other spot like 10 minutes down the road.

as we're walking I get hit on the back of the fucking neck and I lose my well actually no it happened once and I genuinely guys I didn't even say anything to them because I was like I called her a liar again no no no I didn't say anything the first time it happened I kept it to myself because I was like oh I'm going crazy

I was like, I don't know if I just like genuinely hallucinated. Like maybe I walked past a bush and it flicked me. Then it happened again. And I was like, no. And I like threw a fit. I was like, guys were being followed. Like they found us. Like someone is going to kill us. They're practicing with water guns before they shoot us. And they have really good aim. They've got a headshot for me every single fucking time. Yeah. Show the people. These bitches.

had both brought fucking water guns and they were just actually fucking with me. So when I genuinely start tweaking...

They just pull out the water guns and they start slapping their legs. She was so shocked. Like, actually, like, guys, like... I have to have a picture of you when you reacted as well. We'll put it in. Like, it wasn't just like, oh my God, no way you did that. I was betrayed. Like, like, genuinely confused and hurt. But it's been so fun. The amount of, like, pranks. Guys. Sketch.

There is a little hopscotch in Sketch when you enter. Sketch is a restaurant. Yeah, oh, sorry. Sorry. Yeah, Sketch is a restaurant and it's like...

It's been one of my favorite restaurants. It's really cool, whatever. And there's like a little hopscotch right at the front of the door. And I thought it was so cute because everyone, no matter how well they're dressed, the first thing they do is just like such a childish instinct to just like start doing the hopscotch. And Madeline that day was wearing heels. It was her birthday. This is actually... I can't actually...

I think we can put the video into of me doing the hopscotch. Because you guys are so violent. Because guys, these heels didn't fit me, but they also just like weren't on my feet properly. And my toes kept coming above the strap. So when I did the hopscotch, I had to like grab the fucking shoe with my toes. But it still didn't work. So I'm like, I'm so stiff.

And my body weight is like, I genuinely don't know what to liken it to. We just have to show you the video. You can see her. I can't even tell the story. What was I saying in the video? Hopscotch, hopscotch. No, you were dead. She was dead silent because the second she stopped, she was like, ow. And

You can see in her, in the video, like, the look in her eyes was like, yeah, that wasn't fun. No, no, no, no, I went, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You stepped, you stepped outside and that was the day of her birthday when we had the pink limo. And she was like, oh my god. She was like, whose pink limo is that? No, no, it was, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it was to myself, which is even more... You guys, I just don't even know. Like one of my, the funniest things that I've ever witnessed in my life. It was the world's stiffest and loudest hopscotch in shoes where my toes just knocked the shoes. And then, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Whose pink limo is that? And then immediately, I turned around.

I turned around. I don't even know how to explain this. She was fully folded on herself. No, because our friend was behind me and I was in a teeny skirt. It was the same girl that, like, pranked you. Yeah, fucking.

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Immediately as I start falling, I'm like, oh, she's going to see my asshole. Like I'm in a skimstone, like there's no saving me. So I threw myself to the side to like distribute my weight. So that, you know when people die and they have to do the chalk thing and they usually look like that. I'm not even exaggerating this. She was so flat on her face.

And you guys know what's funny? In the fall, both my shoes came off. And I still don't even know how I'm gonna... And we begged Sketch to give us that video. We literally did a U-turn and went back in. Please, can we have the CCTV? And they were like, sure. They didn't give it to us. They never gave it to us. It was so sad. But she was...

I turned like when I turned around, she was just so like, I think what was funny about it is that she was so flat on the floor. And I just realized that I missed the best moment like a friend can experience. But she got back up there. Oh, my gosh. And then did you fall the other day too? I think you fell twice at one point.

The other day? I can't remember, but... Yeah, wait, where were we? I thought all the time. I didn't know this about her. This is a serious thing that should be... You know when you date somebody and they're like, yeah, I actually own 17 rodents, you know? That should be disclosed so early on. On one of our first dates, we had been to Cycle and I had worn these fucking socks.

Stupid fucking leggings. My sister loves this story, by the way. Really? She loves this story. It's so dumb. Like, I wore... I don't know why would you wear these to cycle, too? So, I had worn these stupid leggings with a slit up the side, which is perfect for your foot to get stuck in, right? Like, if you're walking. And I walk genuinely... I have a ridiculous foot. By which I mean, like, oh, this is such an ick. My feet, like, hit my ankles when I walk in.

And so I'm walking next to her and I'm still shy around her. We're barely friends. No, no, I didn't hear about that. I wasn't with you. It was so early on. No, no, no. One of them, one of the offenses happened whilst I was with you. One of them. So we're walking back and my foot got caught in my shoe, in my legging. And as we're walking, I manage a 360 spin.

And then just land back next to her. I was like, what the actual hell? It was dancing. It was also bugs. Yeah. Guys, I need to get a video of Mads walking bugs.

bugs walk back flip dance like jump over people she drags her and she's so tiny so it's so funny like you know when someone is struggling to keep a hold of their pet except like it's usually like a great dane like massive dogs bugs is like this tiny little like chihuahua pug

And Maz is getting dragged around London. And it's so embarrassing. I actually had to tell her. I was like, this is so bad. I genuinely don't want to be around you. Me and Dee will be trying to have a conversation. And I am fighting for my life. Like, weaving in and out of cars. Weaving in and out of people. Like, jumping over bins. Like, walking through poles. Like, it's so fucking stressful. And she'll just continue walking. And she'll look behind her and I'm like...

half a mile behind and she's like sorry I'm listening keep talking I'm like I'm not having fun anymore and also like oh so when so first of all I do a 360 fucking spin next to T when I leave her I'm walking back to my flat

And my foot gets caught again as I'm walking over the road. And it fucking, what's the word? Like it projected me so far. It was like when you put like a, like when you have a rubber band and you go, that was me with my trousers. And I, rather than falling, because guys, I was this close to just face planting. I just flew across the entire width of the entire road.

from one side to the other, I literally flew. And then I landed on my feet and I just kept walking. I just can't be seen with that. I just can't. Like, I remember once she told me the first time I ever invited you to my spin class, she had to call me back after. And she was like, the worst thing just happened to me. And I was like, what?

She told me that on her way walking back, it's like 6 a.m. Like it's so early. I used to go so early. There were like, you know, like the construction people, like people are going to work. They were like parked, not parked up, but they were at the red traffic light and she was crossing the street. And for some reason, the second it turned green, she just started tripping over and over and over and over again the whole time.

It just didn't stop. All the courts can see her. That's so early in the morning. And she was like, I never even fell. The whole crosswalk.

And I just know that's the story. It's kind of worse without porn. That's what you said the day of. I wish I fell so I could have just not faced that. I just had to pretend like that. Like, do you pretend like it just doesn't, like that didn't happen? You must. Because you just have to keep walking and it's so fucking embarrassing. And also, I was the only human on the street. There's nothing else for anyone to look at or even hear. You just made me like tap dance.

It's so horrible. You know, one time I was with Brooks Gofield and it was one of the first times we'd hung out and we had gone clubbing. And like, I know that she's like seen my videos, like she has an impression of me. That's obviously not going to be entirely accurate because that's like when you see someone in person, they're just different. So I'm trying to be cool. Always. Every single one of those moments, she was just trying to be cool.

- She just went. - Trying so hard to be fucking cool. And we're like stood at a table, we have a table in the club. At the table is one of those bowls of ice with like 3000 pounds worth of fucking champagne, drinks, tequila, everything in it. Guys, I don't know what happened to me. I was stood and then one minute I wasn't and my asshole was the bucket and then the bucket flew off the table across the entire. I was on the floor.

Why does everyone think it was me? What was worse is that actually one of Brooke's fans had been trying to get to her. And she had come to our section of the club and been like, excuse me, and tried to get...

tried to get past me to brooke and i just stepped back into the bowl of ice and thrown it everywhere and then i was on the floor and this poor fucking girl like she just wanted to say hi to brooke and this random bitch she doesn't know who i am i'm just i just fucked it for her like that's the rest of her life that's how she met brooke and i felt so bad i remember brooke just standing there like oh

Because the same week was the week I fell into the reform of Pilates machine. And that was our first meeting. We had been doing Pilates and I just went into the springs. I remember she called me to tell me this. I was so embarrassed. Genuinely humiliated. I went into the machine. I don't get it. I was just trying to be cool. Yeah, and then I'm like, we're going to go clubbing. It's going to be great. I was in the mini, mini, mini skirt.

It wasn't what happened. And then I ended up telling everyone like my actual business that night. I think like every single time you actually ever do something embarrassing, you should pretend that like that was sick. Yeah. I just don't know how you do that. Like, yeah, that was so sick. I just did a kickflip without a skateboard. My nose is running like crazy. Oh.

It's like Hannah Montana, like the thing that we were talking about. That's like when they're mean and then they're like, ooh. Yeah. Mads and I decided to take that on. Yeah, we haven't actually enacted it once. No, we did once. Did we? Yes, to bully a friend. Oh, yeah. It was so good. It was so satisfying. But like, we're so misaligned. Like...

We're so misaligned. We never know what the other person is doing. One time, like, by the way, when I say one time, all within the past three weeks, everything we talked about has been in the last three weeks, last 24 hours. She was sat right here and I was sat right there. I don't know what she had done, but I was saying great job to her or we were celebrating. Like, yes, we did something amazing. And it was a genuine like, yes, yes.

We went so far back to get each other. And it went all the way through. And we have already passed each other. But we kept going for so much longer. And we both looked at each other like, what happened? There was so much energy in it. We were like, what happened? If I had not stopped myself any sooner, I would have given myself a concoction. My whole body followed through. And I was going to hit that glass table with my head. You were up here and you were like this.

down there and I was lifting upwards. So funny. Anyway, we actually spoke about nothing that we were meant to speak about. I know, it's always the way. But her birthday was so fun. Sketch was on her birthday. The reason why she's actually been here for three weeks was because since her... Well, actually, originally, her birthday was not meant to be what you guys had seen. That was...

Her birthday was meant to be so much sicker. And no word of a lie, I'm not even kidding. The second before I hit send for all the stuff to be arranged, right before that, she messaged me, I can't do this anymore. I spent two days planning her birthday.

And then two days later, I think it was. That was the day I took the cappuccino. She was like, I feel alive again. And I was like, frick, now I have like literally like 10 hours to like redo this whole entire thing. So the gorilla suits were meant to be monkeys because that's her favorite animal, like her birthday. I just realized we still have your cake.

Do you guys want to see her cake? We'll put a picture in. It's right there. So far. And we were meant to go snowboarding. We were meant to go indoor skydiving. Never told you. Well, we're going to go anyway. I know, but we were meant to go on your birthday. Oh, that would have been so fucking cool. We were going to go to like quad, like the...

quads like oh really yeah like guys this is the first time i'm hearing this yeah because i never told you yeah because i was meant to actually edit like because i vlogged the whole thing for her i never edited it so i'm just gonna show it to you anyway she vlogged the whole planning process of my birthday and i had no idea any of this was happening i had to call everybody back like i there were so many people that i was talking to i was like

forget about it because also we were gonna oh my gosh we were also gonna that was one option and then we were trying to decide we were like if she does change her mind we're going to have to do bouncy castle trampoline

Like, we were going to give her a kid's birthday party. So sick. Because also, guys, they decided that it was my sixth birthday. Every cake they gave me, which they gave me three, had six candles on it. But the reason why we said it's her sixth birthday party is because six is your favorite age. Yeah. Like, it's everybody's favorite age. And if six isn't your favorite age, what the hell? Yeah. Even if you don't remember it. 16, 21. I love those ages. Minus six, 16. That's it. Yeah.

I thought you were three. Oh, yeah. Three. Three is my favorite age. I loved being three. Yeah, that resonates a lot more. And you look three. Okay. Sorry. Let's go back. If you're not three years old. Three years old is like my age and six is hers. So we were throwing her a six-year-old birthday party. And...

Ever since I told her about some of the plans that we were doing, because we were like, that was so fun actually, to just do that for the whole day. Mads was like, we can just still do that. So the reason why she's been here for three weeks is because every single day we were meant to actually do the activities that we had to cancel. We haven't done them this whole time, every day. Do you want to go to a trampoline park?

No, because every day at 6pm, roughly, we decide to go to the trampoline park. It's also because the trampoline park freaking closes at like 7. And it's so far. If I had a trampoline park, I would leave it open all night because that's when I would preferably go to a trampoline park. Like, I'm not going to a trampoline park at fucking 12 in the day. Yeah, right. But like, we have genuinely not left this house. Where have we been that's the furthest astray? Sketch on your birthday.

So that's it from us today. Thank you so much for tuning in to this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. It was so good to talk with you, T. Any parting words?

It has genuinely been an honor to be here on this podcast with you. And thank you so much, everybody, for listening to Pretty London. And thank you again. I mean, your insight as a woman, just so powerful. And I think we really touched on some important topics. I literally don't even think we finished everything.

Half of our sentences. But I'll take it. Okay. Bye.