Insecurities & fashion month
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Hi guys, welcome to this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. It kind of looks like I'm going to tell you a scary story and for that I do kind of apologize. I am in my car right now. It is, it's actually not that late. It's 11.39 at night and I got the urge to do a podcast episode in the

the dark in the car I thought it'd be cozy and I just have a lot to say so I thought we would all get together and talk. I've had a really long day don't know about you guys I woke up at 6am today and drove all the way to London which took me way too long because I went during rush hour and then I got back to my house at like 7pm and...

I've just been... I actually don't know where the time went in between then and now. I'm really hungry. I forgot to eat dinner, so I'm going to probably order. I don't think I'm sleeping tonight. I don't know why I just get this feeling that it's suddenly going to be 4am and I'm going to be eating a bowl of pasta, which is really fun. I haven't had one of those nights in a long time. I find them rejuvenating. Sometimes they're more rejuvenating than sleep to me. Anyways, but let's talk. I think the reason I'm actually dying to yap right now is because

I was really sick this week. It was Paris Fashion Week this entire week. I didn't put an episode out this last week because I was so ill. And I've really only just got better. I came down with tonsillitis at Chapel Rhone. So I went to a Chapel Rhone concert and my sister, we were so excited to go. And she was like, do you want a glass of wine? And I was like, yeah. I had the first sip of this glass of wine and like it made this one tonsil or like this one lymph node in my throat. Like I felt it.

as I swallowed the wine, and I was like, that was weird. And she was like... But anyway, I kept drinking, because I'm an idiot. And then...

suddenly realized the wine wasn't making me like feel good and I was feeling really tired and like run down and this one side of my throat was really hurting brushed it off went to chapel room the whole time I'm at the concert I didn't want to drink and I'm thinking like huh my throat's really not like going away anyway the next morning you know when you like start to feel your throat get sore and you just know like when you go to sleep that night when your throat starts getting sore you know you're gonna wake up the next day like in hell that's what happened to me I went to bed half of my throat was sore and when I woke up

It was like the biggest tonsil I've probably ever had in my life. And I've had tonsillitis a lot of times. This was like the biggest I think it's ever got. Like I couldn't swallow or like, like I felt like I could barely breathe. Like my throat was like halfway closed. It felt like, it felt like there was literally like a big blockage. It was disgusting. And it just got worse from that point on. That's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's

that day I got antibiotics I was like I'm not wasting any time do you want to know why I got antibiotics so quickly I used to be someone who was really anti-antibiotics anti-antibiotics lol like I wouldn't take them if I didn't have to because they're really bad for you like they're genuinely horrible for you and unless you need them I feel like it's good to try and like fight the illness without taking them right that's what I used to say and then one time I had like what I thought was tonsillitis and I decided I was going to fight it without antibiotics

Bitch, I went fucking deaf. Like, the infection spread to every part of my body, including my ears, and I went deaf.

and my ears were bleeding. It was so violently gross. I left my lesson because I was deaf for like a good three months and I just don't want to do that again. And I had tonsillitis for a really fucking long time too. So now I just take the fucking antibiotics. So I call up my doctor on the first day of me really being ill and he sent me them. The next day, like the next exact day, I had to go to Paris Fashion Week. I have never taken a plus one to Paris Fashion Week.

And this year, I took my mom and my sister because I live a really special life, I think. Like, I am seeing things that I never thought I would get to see. I am meeting people I never thought I would get to meet. I'm staying in hotels I never thought I would get to stay at. Like, this whole world is just new to me and I knew it would be new to them as well. And I really wanted to take them and like,

I've been wanting to show my mum some cool stuff for a long time and she's never been anywhere with me. So I decided I was going to take both of them because my sister's visiting from New Zealand right now so it's perfect timing. So I was like, I'm going to take them both to Paris Fashion Week and it's going to be so cool and I'm going to show them stuff and we're going to have so much fun. No, no, I had violent tonsillitis the whole fucking time. So it's the morning, we're going to Paris and...

I am so ill I can't speak. Like I've stopped trying to speak because it's so painful and also my voice sounds weird as fuck. We get the Eurostar and I had worn like a COVID mask because I didn't want to make everyone on the train sick and also like I didn't want anyone to look at me and I didn't want anyone to come up and like speak to me and me have to speak back. So like the mask was just a good way for me to be like I'm like I'm sick like don't approach me it's disgusting I'll get you ill.

And then everyone just spoke to my mom and my sister instead, like, because they could see that I was not going to be helpful. Like, even the people at, like, the security line, like, they didn't even try and speak to me. It was amazing. Like, a mask really does wonders when you're sick. Carl's Jr.'s Big Carl fans know nothing beats the layers and layers of flavor of a Big Carl. Nothing beats that charbroiled beef, American cheese, and tangy Carl's classic sauce. Nothing. Except getting a second Big Carl for just one dollar.

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Anyway, we get the Eurostar and my mum and my sister are like drinking champagne and like having so much fun, all the things that I want to do and I'm sat next to them in a hoodie, hood up, Covid mask on, sweating, shaking. Actually I wasn't sweating or shaking but I just felt stinky even though I had just showered, you know? In so much pain, can't speak.

We sit down next to these two people and, you know, when you just look at someone and you're like, damn, you look rich. Like, they don't even have to be wearing anything nice. You just look at them and you're like, I don't know, you just look like you've got money. Like, something about your face tells me, like, rich. Like...

very much actually no I know why I thought that I thought that because subconsciously I had seen her in a movie where she played a rich woman that's why I was like why did I think she looked rich that's why I'm looking at her and I'm like I know I know your face but like I don't I don't even care to try and guess because I know I'm not gonna get it I'm looking at her I'm like who is this woman and I can't figure out and I pass out I'm like a

If you don't know, the Eurostar is like a two-hour train from London to Paris. So I go to sleep. And I'm, like, waking up intermittently from my fever dreams and seeing my mum and my sister talk to these other two people that we're sat with. At one point, the guy asked my mum, like, what are you guys doing in Paris? And my mum was telling him, like, oh, she's... My daughter is going to, like...

the fashion shows and blah blah and I remember he asked what shows I was going to and she was like oh she's doing like Acne and Chanel and Garni and the guy had said like oh we're doing Christian Dior and then my little ears perked up and I was like who is this who is this man like they're going to Christian Dior like I know I know who he is and I know I know who she is and I can't figure out why guys I

I fever dream the rest of the way to Paris and then we get off the train and my sister is like, I think it was, oh fuck, what was her name? I forgot her name. Anyway, I'm going to get my editor to insert her name here. That was her name. And to think that I was sat right next to her, like passed out, like fever dreaming and smelling, not my favorite conversation.

anecdote of myself really and truly but that was how we started out Paris Fashion Week and I was kind of thrilled because I had always told my mum like you always see someone crazy when you travel during Fashion Week like it's just a rule you are gonna like see crazy people like one time I got the Eurostar and Boris Johnson was on the train literally like one set of seats away from me

And I'm pretty sure he has like entire cabinet with him. It was really weird. And then like, there's just been so many instances where I'm like, why are you going to Paris on the Eurostar right now?

Like, was Boris Johnson going to Fashion Week? Like, I always just, I'm sure he wasn't, and I'm joking, but, like, do you not have, like, a secure car system for this? Like, it just seems dangerous. I don't know. What if I really, really hated you, you know? Because, like, a lot of people kind of do, you know? Like, a lot of people. Anyways, none of my business, but just thought it was weird. Just flagging, you know? But anyway, we get to Paris. I'm so ill, and...

They hung out in my room for a while. We were all staying in the same hotel. They hung out in my room for a while, and then I just went to bed. And I slept for nearly 15 hours. And then I woke up the next day, and my penicillin was starting to kick in, and I felt a little bit better. And then I went to the Garni show,

I survived the Garni show. If I went to the Garni show one day earlier, like I would genuinely don't know if I'd have been able to do it. Like I think I would have passed out because I was like so weak and feeble. I got better. And then I went to the Acne show. And then after the Acne show, there was an Acne dinner. After the Acne dinner, I went to the Eiffel Tower and I met my mom and my sister in the Eiffel Tower. They were there like having fun.

And then we went and we went to go look at the Eiffel Tower from like far away. Because it's actually kind of boring. Once you get inside the Eiffel Tower, you realize there's not much to look at in Paris. Like why go to a viewpoint from inside the Eiffel Tower when you want to be looking at the Eiffel Tower because you're in fucking Paris, you know? Because if you climb the Eiffel Tower and you look at Paris from up high, you're just literally looking at any other city. Like you may as well be in Frankfurt.

They look the same. You go to Milan, you know, you want to look at Paris because it's got the Eiffel Tower and the Eiffel Tower is pretty, but you can't see it if you're inside of it. So I never really understand why people go up there to look at things.

and then we went home so we were only in Paris for like two and a half days I think and then we all came home because my sister was going back to New Zealand at which point the day we came home I started to feel I was completely better basically from my tonsillitis like my tonsils weren't really swollen my throat didn't hurt I didn't feel ill I'd been on penicillin for nearly four days so I'd nearly finished the course like antibiotics and I was like

yay, I'm like fixed. And I had only really been like super ill for like a day or two, like maybe two and a half days. I was like, wow, that was great, you know? And then I felt a little tickle in the back of my throat. And I was like, that's weird. Did I not take all my penicillin? And I went to bed that night thinking this will blow over because it has to. And then I woke up the next morning to a full blown fucking sore throat, not the tonsillitis kind, just the kind where you have knives in your throat and it's burning. And I thought,

Brilliant. I managed to catch the flu. Now, the fashion week is kind of just like riddled with illness because everyone's busy, everyone's rushed, everyone's breathing the same air, coughing, fucking, you know, emphasis on the fucking. It's like, it's like a bit of a cesspit of sexy people. So it's okay, but it is kind of not the most, it's commonplace.

I feel, to get ill, especially if you do more than one show. I'd only done one show at this point, by the way. I must have got this... I got told to like sit from somewhere in Milan and then I must have got the flu in Paris. Sucks. Anyway, so I came home from Paris, came...

down with the flu after I had just recovered from tonsillitis the day before. And this time it was worse because you can't take antibiotics for the flu. You just have to suffer. So there I am suffering. And I had only come home from Paris to wave my sister off at the airport because I had to be back in Paris the next day for the Chanel show. So I had spent

all this like time and effort coming home to spend one last day with my sister. And I couldn't even speak to her. I was, I felt so bad. I spent the whole day in bed. And then I went to the airport and like waved her off and like said maybe three words to her that she couldn't speak. And I was like delusional, like had such a high temperature. I had a fever. I was like ill, like I was unwell and I couldn't speak. And it was gross. Came home, went to bed, woke

Woke up the next morning at like 6 a.m. and went back to Paris. Still very unwell. I got to the Eurostar. I sat down. Defeated. Second illness within a seven-day period. I'm in pajamas. I'm wearing another COVID face mask. And I feel something happen in my ovaries. And I think, that's weird. And so what do I do? I go to the toilet. And what do I see? Blood. Guys, I started my period. And at that point, I just kind of admitted defeat. I sat...

in the Eurostar lounge and I cried quite publicly. And mind you, this is during Fashion Week, like everyone and their mums is getting on the Eurostar and I'm sat in the lounge where they're all waiting to get on the Eurostar.

I'm crying into a COVID mask. It wasn't great. When I got done crying, it was time to board the train. So I go to board the train and I see two friends of mine and they recognized me through my mask because I'd posted on my story that I was crying in the Eurostar tunnel. And then I'm like trying to board the train and I hear this little voice come from behind me. There.

there she is. And I turn around and it's my friends. And I don't know, I don't know, I can't even explain to you how weirdly relieved I was to just see someone familiar. I just, I felt like I was like fighting for my life in the trenches. And then I had seen like an ally and I was like, yeah, you'll help me. I don't know. Can you help me? If I pass out on the floor, will you please pick me up? It just was nice to see someone there that was familiar. And then I got into conversation with them. I literally saw them and I was like,

don't hug me like don't because like they both kind of like came in to like be like hey and I was like to genuinely keep your distance and they're like oh you look really sick I was like no yeah I'm not like I'm genuinely just don't do it to yourself I am like an incubus of the plague like stay away but then I got into conversation with them and I think it like helped me come out of like

Sometimes when you're really ill, nothing can help. And sometimes when you're on day two or day three of an illness, you need to speak to someone and have a meal. And sometimes that will like actually help maybe shower. And like that conversation was the thing that like made me feel better. And I was so relieved because I was like, I sat on the Eurostar and I stayed awake the whole time after I'd had that conversation with my friends. And I like did work on my computer and I felt really nauseous. And I was like, take it easy.

taking painkillers, but I stayed awake and it was the first time I'd stayed awake for more than like four hours in like a week. So that was nice. Got to Paris, went to bed. The next day I had a, I don't know how many hours, it was an 8am till 5pm photo shoot. So whatever the maths for that is. And then whilst I was on set, my mum texted me that my rabbit died.

Mind you, at this point, I'm still on my period and I'm still unwell. But I was feeling much better. Like, my body was not sick anymore. It was just, like, my head, if that makes sense. Like, my body was, like, mostly back to normal. It was just, like, a head cold. And, like, my throat was, like, mostly better. But, like, there's a very distinct difference when you're ill between, like...

being completely unable to do anything and being able to do something and I could go to my shoot you know and then my mom texted me she was like my rabbit was called Daisy I never really spoke about her but she was like Daisy's dying I'm taking her to the vet she's had a stroke and I was like oh but I had a really good shoot though everyone was so nice I can't

I don't think I can say what it was for or like who, like where. You'll see it when you see it. And I think it comes out in December. So that's fun. And it was actually a really exciting day for me. Just like it was one of those days where I was like proud of myself. You know, I was like, this is cool. I'm like...

excited to be doing this right now. I don't know. And then it was just one of those moments, you know, where you just want to hang your head and be like, "Oh boy." Like, I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I feel a little bit roughed up. I feel a little bit like I would like to go to bed.

That's how I felt, you know? At the end of that day, so I did that photo shoot and then I went to... What the hell did I go after? I went to a little meeting and then I went out. Actually, I went and got dinner with Alex that night. It was really fun. It was nice to see her. And then I went to bed and I couldn't sleep. Even though I'd been up all that time and I'd been ill, I couldn't sleep until 4am. I fell asleep at 4am and then I woke up at 6am because that was the time I had to get ready for the Chanel show. Unfortunately for me, I woke up like 20 minutes late.

Actually, it was like 10. Actually, I think it was only 7. I'm not going to lie. But no, it's probably more like 15. And my agent and my hairstylist were like sat in the hallway outside my hotel room, like waiting for me to wake up. They had been calling me. They'd been buzzing my room. My alarms had been going off. I didn't hear any of it until I did. I'd been dreaming my dream. So my agent's name is McKay, right? She's one of my PR agents. And in my dream, I had been going...

to my sister, you never pick up when McKay calls. Like, don't pick up. If McKay calls, don't answer. And that struck me as weird even in the dream because I always answer if McKay calls. And McKay does call, you know? And I love when she calls. And I think just that sense of unease of like, why am I saying this? I feel like there's a reason I should pick up when McKay calls today, but I don't know why. Mixed with the doorbell, the phone, and the alarms all ringing simultaneously, something shook me out of my sleep. And I've realized...

you need to answer your fucking phone, McKay is calling. And so then I answered my phone and McKay indeed was calling and she was outside my room. Anyways, we made it through the Chanel show unscathed. We did it. We got ready in time. No one was late and they weren't angry at me for sleeping in past 10 minutes, which is really nice. ♪

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I had the best time in Paris this fashion month. I literally had so much fun. I feel like the shows that I went to were really good. Like, I loved the outfit that I wore for Acne. I loved the outfit that I wore for Chanel. I had fun at Gucci. I loved my outfit there as well. I had a good time. Like, everywhere I went was just good. I met really nice people. I went to really fun events, cool parties. I went to good shows. I wore good outfits, and I felt really good.

Interestingly, though, despite this being the most fun I've ever had, probably in my life, and probably also getting the most compliments I've ever got in my life, really weirdly, I've never been more insecure about my face, which is really strange. And I think it's partly because I've, well, it's not just my face, my whole entire situation, my face, my body, everything. It's really weird. I like,

like I don't know what's going on and I was thinking maybe it's just because I'm on my period and like fashion month on your period or fashion week on your period is like kind of rough because I don't know about you guys but like whenever I'm like hormonal like whether that be like PMS or I'm on my period or it's that one fucking phase the luteal one I always think I get weird when I ovulate but that's for another time but like

Whenever my hormones are like doing something, I really fucking hate myself and it's really annoying. But like not myself, just my body. And like I'm so uncomfortable in it and I feel like I'm 14 again. Like it's that same feeling of like guilt and shame for having flesh. It comes back about twice a month and it's horrible. But I've had that like all first month and I don't know why. I think partly it is because I've lost, like I said in my vlog the other day, like I've lost weight and I hate that.

I really don't like the way I am right now. I'm not going to talk about it too much. But I... Also, for me, this current state of my body is really reflective of, like, pain, if that makes sense. Because I know that the reason that I've dropped some weight is just through, like, stress and, like, being hurt and upset and, like, whatever. And just, like, being in a phase of my life where I'm just a little bit stressed and a little bit maybe hurt. And so I'm, like...

Like, that makes it feel even worse. And also just genuinely not liking the way that this looks on me or really on anyone. Like, I wouldn't like this on anyone. This isn't... I think that you can tell I'm too skinny and I hate that. I want to look healthy and I want to feel healthy and I don't. And I think, like...

Fashion month is particularly challenging because you have to pay so much attention to what you look like. Like I'm seeing pictures everywhere, which is so fun. But like also I'm perceiving myself a lot more than I usually just would. And it's probably not the healthiest for me. But no one else seems to have like an issue with it. And like...

I've seen probably more nice comments than bad ones. I don't know. Like, maybe that's... I don't know. I haven't seen anything online to make me think that, like, I should be insecure or not should be insecure, but, like, to spur that feeling. I just feel really insecure and it's weird because, like...

if anything people are telling me like you look good and I'm like I genuinely feel so ashamed of my body and my face right now that I don't want to be here I want to go home I'm having fun at this party but I want to go home because I think I'm fucking ugly and it's crazy that that even has like so much power over me to make me want to leave or like change something you know what I mean like I feel like never in my life before has my perception of the way that I look mattered in a way like

I feel like before, like a couple years ago, if I'd have felt really ugly, maybe I wouldn't have wanted to go out or maybe I would have wanted to like leave wherever I was. But it wouldn't be like such a strong feeling. I would just be like, yeah, I look a bit ugly, you know? Would rather not be here, but I look a bit ugly, whatever. Now, it literally is like all I feel. Like if I feel ugly, that's what I feel. I feel ugly and nothing else really matters. Like it's not hungry. It's not...

It's not happy. It's not excited. It's not like tired. It's not my back aches. It's I'm ugly. Nothing else. I don't feel anything else now because I'm ugly. And it's crazy. And I think it's probably just because I feel like I'm being perceived more. But it's really fucking annoying. And I don't know why I think I'm so ugly because it's like the more...

I see almost, I don't know, that doesn't make any sense, but it's been like challenging because I have felt ugly before in my life many times for many years. And at certain points in my life, it was an assumption I made about myself. It wasn't even a feeling. It wasn't even like a fear. It was just like, I'm not an attractive person and it doesn't bug me, was how I felt for a long time about myself and kind of came to terms with it, I think. And then there's been other times in my life where like how I feel about myself

myself is more important. But lately, I have literally been obsessing over what my body looks like and what my face looks like, what my hair looks like. And it's so boring. It's so fucking boring. And I don't know how to stop. And it's like, it doesn't matter how much positive reinforcement I get about, oh, she looks great or, oh, like I could wear an outfit.

and someone could take a picture of me in the outfit and I'll see a comment and it's like talking about how good they think I look in that outfit, in that picture. And I'll look at the picture and I'll be like, you're right. I looked really good in that picture. I'm not gonna lie. It's a great angle, great lighting, but unfortunately that is a fluke and I looked really ugly that whole day. And...

I can't get out of that headspace of just like anything good I see about myself. I'm like, yeah, well, it's a shame it was an anomaly, you know? I don't know. Kind of dumb. I've never felt insecure as badly as I have right now. Let's put it like that. As a kid, I always felt insecure because I was really, really, really skinny and I was kind of odd looking. I think I'm still really odd looking. I think I look a bit like an alien. I don't know. I think my features are alien-esque, especially right now. As a kid,

My eyes were too big for my face and my ears were kind of too big for my head a little bit. I was really, really skinny and I've got big knees. Still do. But as a kid, they were huge.

this weird face and I kind of knew that I was odd looking as a kid and looking back I think I was a cute kid but I never felt it and I don't think anyone at my school would have thought that I was like fit into the category of like being an attractive person like I wasn't getting bitches in primary school you know so I

I always felt like that was something that stood out badly about me was like I looked funny and I didn't fit the mold and I didn't look good in clothes and I wasn't cool. That was kind of a complex for me for like many years, actually still is. And things can ignite that feeling and something has done it recently and I don't really know what.

But I found myself getting really surprised when people would speak to me. Like, for example, I went to an after-party. And a lot of the time when big fashion brands have, like, runway shows, the models that walk the runway will be at the after-parties. And so that means it's a very attractive fucking... The most beautiful people you can imagine are at these after-parties. And I think anyone would find that a little bit intimidating. Also, they're, like, fucking seven feet tall. Hello. Like, scary. Anyway...

I was telling this after party and this model came up to speak to me and we were just having like a very normal conversation, like very, very average. I've probably had that conversation with 500 other people in my life and at least a few of them have been models the same as her. But for some reason, I could not wrap my head around the fact that this person was speaking to me and I felt so beneath them. They did nothing to make me feel that way, by the way. I just felt so incredibly inferior to this person just purely because of the way that they looked.

that I literally was being so fucking weird I couldn't even hold a conversation with them just like not even choosing myself like an equal but I couldn't stop and I was like what the fuck is wrong with me like I don't speak this isn't even how I communicate I don't sound like this and I don't speak like this it was so weird yeah I've I I'm really insecure at the moment not I

I feel like in situ is the wrong word. I just like think I'm ugly and I wish it didn't matter to me so much. I wish I could just be like, oh, I think I'm ugly. Oh, well, you know, but that's not how I feel. And it's probably a reflection of what I do for work. And it's probably a reflection of being at fashion month. And I'm sure it all makes a lot of sense. It's just like really exhausting because I've never felt this way before. And I've never really had to care about the way I look.

Like I've just, I don't know, like it was never a currency for me, if that makes sense. Like when I was in university, it didn't matter if I was pretty or ugly that much because I was studying academics and everyone knows that pretty privilege exists and it's very lovely to have it in the world.

But I wasn't going to be out of work if I was fucking ugly because I was studying forensic linguistics. You know what I'm saying? Like it wasn't of the same importance to me as I guess it is now where I'm like, if I don't look good, not only can everyone tell me that I don't fucking look good and I'm going to have to hear it, but I actually won't get invited back.

You know what I mean? It's just like this weird, unhealthy thing. I don't know. And it's just like, that's also the reason I hate doing photo shoots. Like if you ever see me doing a fucking photo shoot, just know I'm uncomfortable and I'm getting a lot better at doing them. Like you guys, if you could have seen me when I first started doing photo shoots, oh my fucking God. Mind you, I was a model as a child. Okay. I started modeling when I was like four years old and

I quit when I was about 10. And the reason I quit was because I refused to smile on set. They would literally have to like, they would be dancing. But I have the same problem now, by the way. I have never changed a day in my life.

They, when I was a kid, they used to have to dance behind the cameras, dance behind the lights to try and get me to crack a fucking smile because I would refuse because I was embarrassed and shy and I thought I was ugly. And actually I didn't think I was ugly, I didn't know that looks were why I was there, I didn't know what modelling was, I thought everyone kind of did it, but I was just really shy and embarrassed so that's why I wouldn't smile for the camera because I was like, no, that's weird. Um...

also like everyone knows a smize is better so you know I was just ahead of my time really and truly but even now like I find it so uncomfortable to be on set and I do it I've got a lot better at it but my whole life I've hated it and I love the result I love being in a magazine but I don't love shooting the magazine it's just uncomfortable for me it's like I don't

I don't like being in front of a camera very much. Well, I like being in front of my own one. I don't like being in front of a big one with a random photographer behind it on a set. It's scary to me. It's uncomfortable to me. It always has been. Anything is comfortable for most people. Like, I really admire models. I don't know how the fuck they do it. I quit at 10. Couldn't hack it. Somehow fell back into a similar line of work.

Terrifying. Still to this day, like, I so empathize with my fucking 10-year-old self because this shit's so scary. I struggle with being on set because it's a whole day where I have to be, like, aware of how I look for 10 hours straight, and that is torture.

Like, I don't know how else to put that. That's torture. Like, that's so un-fucking-natural and so horrible. And to me, it's just not fun. Like, I don't want to know ever, let alone for 10 hours straight. I don't know. Like, that's just not my idea of fun, you know? But the shoot that I did in Paris, I'm not gonna lie, I had a really good time because people on set were so nice.

And the outfits we did were fun and I felt really comfortable in them, which is always nice. And you know what the most important thing was? They had a heater for me. It's always fucking cold because everyone is dressed all day except you, if you're the model or the talent. You have to get naked like 50 times. You have to change outfits all the time. And most of the outfits are like smaller than what

everyone else is wearing, like it's usually like little pieces. And I always end up just being cold the whole time. This time they had like a space heater like pointed at me the whole time. Oh, it was so nice. But yeah, don't know. Weirdly, weirdly insecure. And weirdly, it's making me really sad too, because I just feel like it's taking up

some space in my head that I'm like this could well my glasses like really hurt in my ears I'm like I feel like this space could be probably used with something a bit more productive than me just sat there worrying about what my skin looks like and what my eyebrows look like I don't know

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We all have plans in life, maybe to take a cross-country road trip or simply get through this workout without any back pain. Whether our plans are big, small, spontaneous, or years in the making, good health helps us accomplish them. At Banner Health, we're here to provide more than health care. Whatever you're planning, wherever you're going, we're here to help you get there. Banner Health. Exhale.

I don't know. I feel like this is just a phase of my life where I feel like if I was looking at this two years ago, I would be like, "Wow, she must feel really good about herself." Like, I don't know. I would think that this would be a point in my life where I'd feel really confident because I would see myself, like, being at all these fashion shows and, like, doing all these types of events, and I would think, "Wow, like, she must really know what she's doing and, like, feel good about herself. Like, why wouldn't she?"

Like it doesn't really make sense that I'm not. That's kind of why I'm confused. I don't know. Anyway, I go back from Paris Fashion Week and Chanel was yesterday and I just about recovered from my flu by the time I did Chanel. Or like recovered enough that like a painkiller makes you okay, you know? So I did the Chanel show. That was amazing. Life-changing stuff. It was really fucking cool. The outfits were insane. The collection was insane. Every time I have any kind of interactions with Chanel...

it blows my mind because I always have said that's like my biggest, like if people were to ask me like what's your aspirational brand, I would have always told them Chanel, probably from like age three. Like what's one brand you would want to wear if you could? I'd have said Chanel, probably wouldn't have, but like probably didn't know what Chanel was until I was like 20. But it's like so insane that I get to go. So I went to Chanel, got the train home the same day, got home at like 7 p.m.,

straight to bed bitch. I literally fell on my face in my bed. Got up this morning at 6am and drove to London because I had to go to the fucking embassy and then did a photo shoot. Drove home. Please log in with your profile. What? I'm waiting. You're waiting? I hate that bitch so fucking much. Listen, when AI rises, I will be the first to go because the way I speak to Alexa is

is one thing. The way I speak to my Mercedes is despicable. And it's how I know that if I was a man, I just wouldn't be a good one because I think that this is how they feel about women. Like the way I feel about fucking Alexa, that must be how men feel about their wives. And it's so, it's like such a

Rhymal rage? I know it doesn't come from estrogen. I know that's a testosterone rage. That is a deeply masculine rage and it is ancestral and it is, it's so disturbing. Like, Alexa opens her big fat mouth and I just, I see red.

God forbid she have an opinion on something. You know what I mean? God forbid she give me information that's not warranted. God forbid I ask her to play a fucking song and she tells me I need to buy more Amazon Prime. Bitch, I have Amazon Prime. I don't know what more you want from me, okay? What more does Alexa want from me? I don't... I don't know. Anyway, this bitch, Mercedes, this Mercedes bitch...

Sorry, let me actually not become a misogynist over this. This Mercedes AI, she'll pipe up when no one speaks to her and that's the crazy part. That's the crazy part. I'll be having a normal conversation and I won't say any buzzwords and she'll just start talking. Who asked you? Not me. I didn't. It really, really, really, really, really, really, really rubs me the wrong fucking way.

Anyway, and then I'll and then the one time I do call upon her, you know, the one time I say, hey, could you please turn on my seat kinetic? She says, sorry, I don't understand what you mean. Of course you don't. You wouldn't.

Right? But really and truly, it does disturb me because there's no other person on Earth that I feel the kind of rage towards that I feel about AI. And I'm so certain that I will pay a price for that in my lifetime. I'm sure I will. There's no way we're making it to like, okay, I've made this mistake before. I always think it's the year 3000 that I'm going to live till if I live to 100. It's not. It would be the year 2100. Yeah, 2100. Fuck, what's the year called right now? 20...

Whoa, what year are we in? 2003? No, we're in 2021. No, we're not. Guys, help. I'm really scared. Okay, we're in 2024. Anyway, when it gets to that year, there's no way we're getting that far without there being some kind of major, major like world event where AI becomes like a humongous problem. And I'll be their first fucking victim.

I really will. Although me and ChatGPT have a very strong relationship, I think. I'm always polite. Almost always polite. Even when I ask him to try again and again and again and try a bit harder, try again, be funnier, be cuter, be sexier. He usually gets it eventually and I usually say thank you, so that's fine. I still have so much snot in my nose. This is actually...

doesn't sound that gross right now but the way I've been trying you know when people are sniffling and you can hear that they have snot in their mouth guys that's one thing I really just can't tolerate in public like I get that public spaces are shared spaces okay if there's a screaming baby I'm not gonna bitch about it I will in my head but that's it like I'm not gonna bitch about the screaming baby I'm not gonna bitch about the person loudly on the phone I'm not gonna piss about

piss about. You know what I mean? Like, I'm tolerant. What I can't do is when men, and it's only men, women don't do this. I literally almost would swear on my life that I've never seen a woman do this. When they hock it back up in the back of their throat from their nose, like, die, die, die. It tells me so much about you if you're willing to do that in public.

The blatant lack of disregard for everyone else's sanity is repulsive and your penis stinks. I just know it. Like, I just know it does. I don't... I can't tell you how else I could describe that. If you hock your fucking phlegm or your snot in public, like into the back of your throat, God forbid you swallow it. I'm actually going to stop talking about that because I'm going to retch. It's so unpleasant. I don't even mind... If you spit in public...

I think it's gross, but that doesn't gross me out as much as what I just described does. Especially if I can... You know I can hear it. You know everyone can hear that when you... Okay, sorry, I'm not even going to do that again. And anyway, I was sniffling a lot in public like this, but with proper nose snot. Sorry, gross. But I was, and I felt so bad about it because I was not doing the thing, but I was like...

Like, a lot. And it just made me feel gross and dirty and smelly and stinky. You know? Not ideal. So...

Tomorrow is the first day I'm gonna really not have anything to do in a long time. It's not even like it's been that long since I've, like, not done anything. It's just I've been really ill and I've been really busy whilst I've been ill. And I'm not very good at functioning through illness because I'm a baby. To put it very fucking simply, I'm a baby. And I don't like doing things when I'm ill, especially with a sore throat. Like, I hate having a sore throat so much.

But just illness in general. I'm a baby, like about all illness. And I don't know, it's been a lot of like late nights and a lot of early mornings and just a lot of going places and doing things and trying to look hot.

through it all. God, it's been hard. One could shed a tear, you know? But I'm just... I am joking. But I'm excited to, like, go the fuck to bed. Like, I just want to lay in bed and know that I don't have to be up at 6am and it's going to be really nice to just know that I'm just going to fall asleep and just wake up when my body wants me to, which will probably be 7am. Brilliant. I'm also starving hungry. I think I'm going to go eat a load of pasta. But generally in life, I feel like I'm experiencing my life again, which is really nice.

I've been journaling and I've been just like doing little things that make me feel like I'm alive. Those are things I've neglected for a really, really, really, really, really long time. And it's nice and it was nice to bring my family to fashion month or fashion week. That's an insane thing to be able to do. Like, I don't know, to show them that, to be able to show them that, to be able to even see it myself is crazy. To be able to show them that is crazier.

And it's been like a very hard and sick week. But it's been like one of the most probably memorable of my life. And the good thing is, is I won't remember that I had massive tonsils or a sore throat or a fever or a headache or the body chills or whatever the fuck. I won't remember any of it because you never do. I'll just remember that like I got to bring my mom and my sister to the spring summer fashion week 2025. And that'll be it.

it. That'll be my memory. And I'm really grateful for that. And yeah, I don't know. I just feel like this was a good fashion month. Like I've had a really, really, really, really nice time. And I'm also really enjoying being on my period again, which is really weird because why the fuck would anyone ever say that? But it's like, so I stopped taking the birth control pill recently. I've been taking it since I was 15 years old. And I kind of just like never gave myself a chance to have a normal period. Like I got my period at

15 or 14 and then I got on the birth control pill like a couple months later because my periods were terrible and I had really bad acne and I just never came off it and then I came off of it recently because

The pill stopped fixing my acne. Like, I started to get acne whilst I was on the pill. And I was like, well, that's a bit fucking pointless then, isn't it? Because it's a class one carcinogen, I'm pretty sure, and I've still got acne now. So what the fuck is the point? A bit useless. So I stopped the pill, and I also stopped getting dick, which is brilliant. Not so thrilled about that one, but whatever. I was like, there's no point for me to be on this shit anymore. Just poisoning myself. No fun. ♪

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We all have plans in life, maybe to take a cross-country road trip or simply get through this workout without any back pain. Whether our plans are big, small, spontaneous, or years in the making, good health helps us accomplish them. At Banner Health, we're here to provide more than health care. Whatever you're planning, wherever you're going, we're here to help you get there. Banner Health. Exhale.

So I came off the pill and that means that my periods are now real because they used to be fake. When you're on the pill, you get a fake period, you get a withdrawal bleed. It's different than a period. And now I get a real period. And that means my hormone fluctuations are also different, which means I am having more of the like typical experience of like ups and downs that most women would like describe around their cycle. And it's really fucking fun because not only have I kind of missed it, but it feels healthy. Like I was in...

the car home yesterday coming back from London, from Paris, basically. And I started, I'm on my period, right, for context. And I started to think about the fact that I'm going to have to miss my dog's second birthday. I'm going to miss Bugs' second birthday because I'm going to LA over her birthday, which is the end of October. And I started to think about it.

in the car and I just started bawling my eyes out in the back of a fucking taxi and it was really embarrassing. I don't know if the guy could tell. I had my headphones on, which I always feel like I'm invisible when I have them on. I'm definitely not. In fact, he could probably hear me crying, which is really embarrassing. But you know when you start crying over something that's actually not detrimental to your life, but the tears are streaming? Oh my god, give me that over sex any day because the emotional release those kind of cries give...

Oh my fucking God, makes me horny. Like, tears flowing out my eyes over a situation that does make me sad, but is not going to ruin my life, and I don't feel hopeless, or I don't feel despair, or I don't feel fear. I'm just, like, sad, and I'm just letting it out through the medium of, like, 700 tears. Oh my God. And then I get tired after, because I'm like, it's, oh my God, it's like, it's like, it's like after sex now. Like, it's so...

deliciously good I love those kind of cries like they don't it's sad when it's happening because you're genuinely crying and you feel really just like it's like pure sorrow like I just feel sad about this one thing and there's no confusion there's no anger there's no hurt there's no what ifs I'm just sad and I'm also letting it out oh my god it's so good had one of those cries basically and I

I don't get those kind of emotional releases that frequently I think it's because I'm on my period I think it's also because I'm sleep deprived a little bit I'm also like a little bit just overwhelmed I think this week with the whole illness the whole fashion months the whole insecurity debacle and then also having to miss my dog's birthday that was just really the final straw also my rabbit died kind of sucks her name was Daisy if you care she was really nice she was 10 so it

It was her time. Honestly, probably should have got her put down a while ago. R.I.P. Everyone say R.I.P. You know what? One of the saddest part. One of the worst part. Oh my God. So sad. So she had a stroke and then my mom took her to the vet and put her down. She had a boyfriend, like a partner that she lived with, right? His name's Alvin. He's still alive. And...

my mum took them to the vet together so that he could, like, watch her die because rabbits are meant to watch their partners die. I think all animals are meant to see it because they understand. Anyway, my mum takes them to the vet together, right? So Daisy dies. My mum takes Alvin home. She said...

He was making this noise when he got home. And I'm not laughing. It's not funny. It's so fucking sad. That's the saddest fucking... It's the most terrible thing I've ever had in my life, I think. He was going, like, grieving. The rabbit was fucking grieving. Can life get worse? Don't think so. My rabbit was grieving. Oh my god.

the shit it's so sad they're both rescues too and I just feel like they found a home in each other and then she died and it's like his third mate that's died this this fucking rabbit is so old and we keep getting him new girlfriends because they can't live well they can live alone but they're not meant to it's like sad for them so you had one girlfriend she died another girlfriend she died now his last one's died but he stills like really healthy and like

he's also like 10 or 9 and it shows no signs of letting up anytime soon so it's like fuck you need another one my mum's been looking if anyone's got a rabbit they want to rehome that's like old let me know looking for one I'm in the market but yeah he was grieving his girlfriend it was horrible and mind you my mum is texting me all this as I'm on set right shooting for something that I can't tell you

But she'd also asked to see my outfits for the day because she really likes to see that kind of stuff. So I was like texting her about the rabbit dying and she was sending me picture updates because I asked to see Daisy as she was being put down basically. Like, I don't know if that's weird, but I wanted to see her at the vet and stuff because I felt bad for not being there with her. And meanwhile, I'm like trying to send my mom pictures because I know she wants to see of me and like,

Prada and fucking Gucci I'm like this is my fit for this this picture and it just felt a little bit dystopian you guys want to know something sad about Daisy and then I'm gonna go to bed she is a rescue and we have theorized that her owner before us was a girl who looks like me because she like my mom adopted her and like she was like kind of hostile to my mom and like kind of scared of her and like wouldn't go to her wouldn't like speak to her like just like hidden the hutch basically and

by hutch I mean her two-story back and front garden with tunnel that she has in the garden okay this fucking rabbit does not have a hutch by any means but she would not speak to my mom and I came home one day and I like went to go see her because I had never met her before I was probably at uni when we got her or something I don't know I

I have no idea. No, we've had her not that long or longer. I don't know. Anyway, I like went to go see this new rabbit that we got, right? And she like immediately warmed to me. Like...

came straight over, like, nestled up to me, like, wanted to talk to me, wanted to play with me, and would let me touch her, hold her, whatever. And my mum always said, like, I think she must have come from, like, a young girl. Like, she must, her old owner must have been around your age, and, like, maybe she had brown hair or something. And it always made us sad, because, like, maybe that girl went to uni, and her parents sold her pet, or, like, maybe she died. I don't know. And we've had Daisy probably, like, four years, because obviously she's a rescue. She died at

10 years old, but we had her maybe like three or four years. And I feel like she, I feel like whoever owned her before, this rabbit died missing her. And I could cry talking about it. It makes me so fucking sad because she did warm to my mom, but she always liked me. Like I never gave this rabbit treats. I never cared for her. Like I didn't clean her house. I didn't give her food. I didn't ever go and like play with her really.

And I barely even knew her. But like, why? That's sad. I didn't know her. But like, I really didn't spend that much time with this rabbit. And I didn't have her from a baby or anything. And she always like really liked me. And it makes me sad because it's like she never forgot her owner from before, kind of. Because like she saw her in me or she saw me in her, whatever, whichever way it goes. And like, I don't know. It made me sad that I wasn't there for her to be put down because I was like,

I feel like she misses her mum. I don't know. It's sad. Whoever you were, bitch, presuming nothing terrible happened to you, might fuck you up if I see you. 'Cause I think that rabbit died in love with you and where were you? Unless it was a sad story and your parents sold her or you're dead. In which case, deepest, deepest apologies. But I feel like you just maybe didn't keep the rabbit. I feel like maybe you just like gave her to the shelter. You know? Anyway, I'm gonna shut the fuck up and go to bed.

Yeah, I don't know. That's it. I don't have anything else to tell you. I'm going to go make a bowl of pasta, actually, because I'm fucking hungry. And yeah, that's it. I love you so much, and I will see you next week. Also, do we kind of like filming at night? Because I kind of think it's fun as fuck. I feel like it's kind of scary, though. Okay. Love you guys. Good night. I'm going to bed. Good night.

Carl's Jr.'s Big Carl fans know nothing beats the layers and layers of flavor of a Big Carl. Nothing beats that charbroiled beef, American cheese, and tangy Carl's classic sauce. Nothing. Except getting a second Big Carl for just one top. Big Carl just one-upped itself for just one buck. Then buy one Big Carl, get one for a buck deal. Only at Carl's Jr. Bigger! Get burger. Available for a limited time at participating restaurants. Tax not included. Price may vary. Not valid with any other offer, discount, or combo.