i’m gonna be a single mum
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Download the Amazon Music app now to start listening. Terms apply. Hello, guys. Welcome back to another episode of Pretty Lonesome. This week, Wednesdays.

We're in my bed instead of the car and I look insane because I just got all my pimples ripped out of my face because I had a really intense facial today. Sorry. So I look insane. I realize I haven't had you guys in my bed since I moved house so I thought that was a bit rude. Maybe you guys want to lie down. This week we're in my bed. Welcome to my bed. This week I have something insane to tell you.

Oh my god, I don't even know how to like say it without it sounding insane. And I'm sorry, I feel so ugly, but I'm not allowed to put makeup on my skin right now because it's like wounded.

So just shut the fuck up, okay? Acne is real and I'm not, I can't hide it. Even if, I would love to hide it. Unfortunately today, I just can't. So anyway, the insane thing that I have to tell you and it's gonna segue into my topic for this week, which is being alone. The thing that made me think about it this week, right? Guys, I got asked on a date and the way in which this man asked me on a date is insane. I have to tell you because like I actually, okay, just fucking get this, right?

I met this guy at the club. The worst place to meet someone, I don't even go to the club. I met this man at the club. And then he told me at the club that he thought I was cute.

but he was also very very like weird like when we spoke very briefly like he seemed almost like he didn't want to speak to me and i was like okay my bad you know like he was not that friendly he really wasn't so whatever i didn't really give it a second thought then he emails me now i know this guy's name because we have mutual friends so i was like already like i know who he is so when his name popped up in my email inbox i was like

That's weird. Why would that person email me? It must be just someone with the same name. It's not the most common name though. So I was like, let me check on that. I go to the email. It's just an email with a heading. Can I take you on a date? And I was like, what the actual fuck? Have you ever had a man at the club send you an email request for a date?

Actually very romantic, kind of giving like sex in the city. Anyway, I was like, what the fuck? So I texted my mutual friend. I was like, can you confirm that this is him? She was like, I just asked. And yes, it's him. I was like, okay, insane. Love it.

So I text him because he left his phone number in the email. And I was like, look, pitch me the date. This man was like, I'll get back to you. And I was like, okay, he's just as rude as when I met him at the fucking club. He's going to get back to me. I told him, pitch me a fucking date. He says, I'll get back to you. Who are you talking to? You make me feel like a burden. Listen, I considered actually genuinely like cussing him out of a text. I was like, how dare you? But then I was like, leave it. It doesn't, you don't care. Don't get lost in the sauce, pookie.

So I was like, okay, whatever. He's so weird, right? I was like, he's so weird. Anyway, like two days goes by, I didn't think about it again. And then I get a text from him. And the reason he had told me to give him a sec was because he had to go off and make a fucking pitching deck because I did make the mistake. I asked him to pitch me the date and he did. He made me a pitching deck.

For the date. It's a seven page slideshow. Not even on why I should go on a date with him, but more about why he wants to go on a date with me. I'm gonna read you a very small segment because I actually don't want to make him like, "I liked this." This might work on me. A pitching deck. But listen, I haven't responded to it yet.

So he's named it Date Deck, okay? This is why you should never ask me on a date, because it's gonna make it onto a podcast. Anyways, listen. And he's used this, like, very official, like, format too, and it's a spaceship-themed one. How many pages is this? Oh, sorry guys, I said it was seven pages. No, no, it's 15 fucking pages. Anyway...

He's done me a segment on my qualities. It's titled, "You exhibit opposing attributes across traits." I'm not kidding, this shit is so fucking detailed. Anyway, let's go to the next page. Three traits stand out, he says, he's named them. Anyway, he ends the whole pitching deck.

with something that he has called "Quests" and he's given me the options of sushi and sake, which is like a restaurant I believe, and I actually think I went there before and I think it was really nice, or drink and drive, which he's said is completing shots of Grey Goose, respectfully asking Google Assistant to just fucking drive. Oh, he's telling me we should get in a Waymo, drunk.

That's kind of fun actually, I never thought of doing that before. Or he's said that we can play Call of Duty at his house. I don't know what to think of that. What should I think of this? Girlies, please help me, because I'm like, I've seen this deck. How did he finish the deck actually? Because I don't even know if I made it to the end.

So then it goes, oh, I have to select quest and there's a password. So I'm assuming once I click this link that says select quest, that's when we've locked in the date. I need you guys to tell me if this is like a majorly concerning red flag. I'm like, what the fuck? I did ask for a pitch. I don't know what else to say. Like, yeah, fair. Thank you. Anyway, um...

So that is a work in progress. I don't know what I'm gonna do about it. I can't even remember if he was hot. I don't even know if he has that going for him. Like, I barely remember anything about this man. Except for the fact he was dismissive of me. So...

But the deck says otherwise. So now I'm like, oh, all right, well, fuck it. Let's get drunk and go in a way mode. Why would I care? Fine, I'm not doing anything tonight. I text him Monday. I said, pitch me the date. He texts me back Tuesday. He said, let me get back to you. And then he texts me back today, which is Friday with the deck. What do we think? I don't know what to make of this. Anyway, it got me thinking, okay? Because I was, listen, I haven't even given the thought of dating

like dating to me is just like that's how that makes me feel like that you know uh yeah that's how that makes me feel i actually don't know how to get over that feeling of meh

But it got me thinking because I was like okay at some point inevitably like dating becomes like a question again of like do you want to go on dates just for fun like because like that's kind of funny and like you don't even have to marry them you just like go on a date and like only ever go on one with one person whatever I'm like it's not a sex thing it's a I'm really kind of bored and like why not you know like...

re-entering that world after not being in it for a period of time, it made me realize that I am probably going- first of all, I genuinely, when I picture my life, this is actually what I wanted to talk about, when I picture my life in the future, like when I have kids and stuff, it's a billion years away, but when I think about it, I'm like, there wouldn't be anyone there with me. Like, I don't picture my life, I do want kids, like people ask me if I want kids, and I'm like, I say no, but I do. I just don't want them with someone.

And I've never heard anyone say this, so I'm saying it because I think it needs to be said. I don't want to have kids with someone. I want to be a single mother. I do. My mum was a single mum growing up, right? And like, I need to interview her on this because I want to know how she felt because I'm sure it was really lonely. Like she, it was just me, my sister and my mum growing up. And like, I'm sure that was lonely for her because life is not that entertaining as an adult as it is for a kid. Like she wasn't being taken care of. She wasn't being helped.

she was raising two little girls by herself that's hard and it must get lonely like you want someone to even just share the funny moments with that gets why they're funny from adult perspective right like we weren't friends with my mum growing up like I was friends with my mum but she wasn't it's an equal transaction of friendship you know what I mean and so I guess she would have been lonely and I want to ask her like was that hard because I mean I should really know if it was hard she'll tell me it wasn't but like

I wonder if it really was because that's my only fear of doing the whole like single parent thing. Like I would feel like it would probably get really lonely because I would want someone there for when the kids say something stupid to be like "haha our kid is so stupid" or when they become teenagers. I don't want to do that part by myself that sounds f*cking terrible.

But I look back, right? And I don't know if my mom even knows that this is how I feel, but being raised by a single mom, like I don't think, there was no need for a man to have been there. That's how I look at my childhood. I'm like, if a man had been there, why would he have been there? We had the most fun. And I love my dad, by the way, I really do. But I just think about, because I grieved my dad's absence for a long time as a kid. And I never really told anyone that I was, and I don't know if anyone ever knew, but like when my dad initially left us,

I was not very sad for a couple years. I missed my dad. I really wanted him there, but our family unit still didn't feel super broken to me, I don't think.

And then as I grew up a little bit and like maybe three or four years into my parents' divorce, I started... They were actually never married, but I'm just going to call it a divorce because it's easier. Like three or four years into it, I started to resent the fuck out of him for leaving because I really wanted a family unit. Like I felt like he had broken a family. I didn't feel like a complete family and that really...

My best friend had a perfect family and that really sucked because I always like, I didn't care until I had this best friend and then she had a mom and a dad and a sister. And it felt like her family was what my family was and then stopped being. So her presence in my life kind of just like triggered this whole thing in my head of like,

my family is missing someone, my family isn't complete. When previously I hadn't really felt that way, I had just missed my dad 'cause he was my dad. Now I felt like I miss my dad and my family is always missing someone, you know? And I felt like that for a long time, but even now looking back at the times when I felt like that,

if my dad had been there and he, I wish he was and I wish he had had all the fun that we had, but like we weren't at a loss because he wasn't there, if that makes sense. Like we had the most fun we could have had. Being three girls, my mom is so fun. Like three girls just like going through life and doing things together was genuinely the best fucking way to grow up. - Morning people wake up for peace and quiet.

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Once upon a time, Amazon Music met audiobooks and listeners everywhere rejoiced. Because now they could listen to one audiobook title a month from an enormous library of popular audiobook titles including Romantasy, Autobiographies, True Crime, and more. Suddenly, listeners didn't mind sitting in traffic or even missing their flight. Amazon Music Unlimited now includes Audible.

Download the Amazon Music app now to start listening. Terms apply. And my mum had only female friends growing up. Like when I was growing up, all her friends were other women and they were also all single mothers who, well, they all became single mothers during my life, right? And some of them like had relationships and went in and out, but like,

It was just like a... No one's dads were really around for me growing up. Like, I didn't have... Until I was like 11 or 12, I didn't have a single friend with a father figure. Or at least not a father figure in the house. Like, no one had that. So...

That was quite nice because it really created just like a very like mutual underlying understanding of what everyone was kind of dealing with and for the parents I think it was a nice stress reliever because they could really lean on each other for like an understanding of like I don't know fucking childcare and like we used to go on holidays with my mum's friends because they all had kids around mine and my sister's age and

And so we would like go on holidays together and they were the most fun. So my mom had two best friends growing up and both of her best friends were single mothers with only daughters. And both those daughters were mine and my sister's ages. So there was like six of us total kids, right? And we used to go on holidays with one of those families and we would go to Holland. And I remember...

So this woman had two daughters around the same age as me and my sister. And then there was me and my sister. So that's four little girls, two adult women.

and no one else. And do you know how fucking fun that is? They had this house in Holland and I honestly like could not even tell you where the fuck it was. But my mum drove me and my sister there in our car. Like we just got like ferries and put the car on trains and stuff and we drove all the way there. We had one CD the whole time and I don't know to this day what fucking music this was. My mum had got it at the local like grocery store and

and it was some local artists and they weren't even good and it was a girl band and they were shit and it was a cd and we put it in the car and we had no other music because i guess this is before like spotify was like a thing like you you had to use like a cd for the car so we were limited on like what you could use and we learned every word to every song on this shitty fucking cd and drove all the way to holland and then we got there we would stay with our friend

the single woman with the daughters. And I remember one day we all piled in my mom's car and we opened the sunroof and they would let us, the kids, like put our heads through the sunroof so they could like drive. Because if you've ever been to Holland, you know,

they don't really have a lot of hills there. So you can see for really far and they have like very beautiful landscapes. So we would, I remember driving down this like long open road and I think there was like cornfields either side, I'm not sure, just like grass. And all the kids were out the sunroof and we were playing this one track from this fucking CD that everyone loved and singing along and screaming along and dancing out the sunroof. And that, if I could surmise my childhood, that one memory encapsulates the whole thing.

Like it was just like happy and feminine and girly but like in all the right ways. And I also remember that in Holland at the time I'm pretty sure public nudity was legal. Maybe it's still it. Should I google it? Let me google it and then I'm gonna forget what the fuck I'm talking about. Is public nudity legal in Holland? What the fuck is nude recreation?

I don't know. Anyway, nudity and having your boobs out, I guess, are very different things, so maybe I should have Googled that, but I remember my mum telling me, like, before we went for the first time, like, don't stare and be weird because a lot of the women will just have their breasts out, like, everywhere. Like, at the store. And I remember being so excited because I was like, yes, uh, oh no, women and tits everywhere? What do you mean? That's terrible! Um, I was very excited. So...

very excited but I always I've talked about this before too I feel like my childhood was very like accurate representation of what women are like and I was just not surrounded by any level of misogyny and I was surprised when I first like got it introduced to like online discourse and like the internet and stuff about how much like the fact that that's real because I had only really had like

those influences in my life and I was like, oh people really fucking hate women? Why? Like I just made no sense to me. I still struggled to compute it and like the sexualization of boobs was a huge one for me too because to me they had always just been boobs. Like what do you mean that's sexy? That's sexual? Like your- I remember trying to wrap my head around it actually

Right before I hit puberty, because I remember we'd had the sex talk at school and they had talked about boobs and all the girls had started wearing bras and like talking about puberty and stuff. And I couldn't understand why boobs were talked about in the same way that like your downstairs area was talked about because I knew that was private. But I didn't understand about boobs being private and like boobs being this whole big thing.

Oh, it was crazy. It was crazy time in my life, but very boob centric. Yeah. I guess my point with all of this is, is as I become more like cognizant of like the dating world and like, oh God, I'm going to have to like think at some point, not right now. Like that was just like a funny bit. Like a guy fucking sent me a dating deck, like whatever. But like, as I'm going to have to just inevitably at some point, not right now, think about like dating and like people. That scares me because I'm like,

You know when you go on dates and people ask you like, "Do you, do you, are you a relationship person? Like, do you do well in relationships?" I don't know, like first date fucking questions. How do I tell them, "No, I fucking despise relationships. Actually, I've never had one that I've enjoyed. I love being alone. Also, don't touch my stuff. Also, you can't sleep in my bed. Also, like, don't touch my skincare. Don't shower in the same bathroom as me. I fucking hate you actually. Can I please, drop me home." How do I say that nicely on a first date, you know?

It's tricky. It's really tricky. It's really very, very, very, very, very hard to navigate. So I'm like, huh, I don't know.

I'm in between a rock and a hard place here. But my point actually is like, when I genuinely think about like the future and like my life, my settled life of like you have kids and like, I don't know, a billion years from now, it terrifies me. The expectation is that that's with someone else. I can't imagine a man being there. Before I get the lesbian allegations, guys, I love women. I can't imagine a woman being there either.

I can imagine my female friends being there, but I can't imagine like a female partner being there. Like I literally, when I think of my life with kids, I can't imagine doing it with someone else. It's not just because I can't imagine doing it with a man, cohabiting with a male. But then I feel the same way about women. I'm like, get the fuck out my bed, bitch. Who said that?

But it's, um, I just can't imagine spending time with someone in my space. Like, freeloading in my fucking space.

I could maybe deal with having kids and a relationship forever if we all had different houses but we lived on the same land. Like I have a house, my wife has a house, my kids have their own houses and their own caretakers. I hire nannies and stuff. And we all ride horses on the weekends. That's the way I would see it going forth. That's how we bond. We just speak at the weekends and catch up. And the nannies, they send me like Excel spreadsheets about how the kids are doing and stuff. And I'm like, yes. I only take care of the kids until they're four at which point I dislike them because I don't like

kids above the age of four, they talk way too much. Off you go, back to your house. But yeah, I don't know. I had so much fun growing up with a single mother as a kid and I just don't actually think that anything could top the fun I had. But again, I need to ask my mom because I imagine that was difficult and lonely. You know?

Because it probably really was probably really sucked. I mean, the holidays we had with like her other female friends was super fun. But then I'm like, I would have loved like if I could change things, I would never change anything. But like in an ideal world, I guess she would have had another adult there to share it all with and just like a partner. You want a life partner, don't you? I guess that would be nice.

Would be nice. Would be. When the fuck are they gonna invent robots? I want a partner, a life partner that I can switch off at night. Get the fuck away from me. Maybe like an on week and an off week. Or like a robot partner that like is, I can, they parent the exact same way as me, but like slightly different for the parts where I falter.

And like they witness all the good moments so that I can share the good moments with someone, but then they never cause me a single problem ever. And they're not sentient. So I can be like, I want a weekend alone with my kids and I want to go like fuck 50 people at the club. Alexa switch off and then they go off, you know? That's my ideal world. When we get rid of the men, that's what we'll do.

Ugh, God, and we'll all live in peace. We'll all live in peace. Thank fucking God, right? A robot can make me a fucking date deck anyways. Seriously though, please let me know what I should do about that because I'm baffled. I haven't responded because I'm terrified. I'm like, I don't know if you are going to kill me.

That man might kill me because at the end of the fucking Call of Duty suggestion, he said, I stab you tenderly. And I was like, do they have knives in Call of Duty? Or are you genuinely just telling me you're going to fucking murder me? Because all I know about Call of Duty is they've got the guns. This is my gun. Sorry. But like, all I know about Call of Duty is they have guns. So why have you said I'm going to stab you tenderly at the bottom of my date suggestion with you? In this climate? Absolutely fucking not.

get the out my face immediately oh i'm stressed maybe we um maybe we nix this one with the mcdonald's app you can get your favorite thing delivered to your door so you can eat your favorite thing while you watch your favorite thing at home order mcdelivery in the mcdonald's app participating mcdonald's delivery prices may be higher than at restaurants delivery another fees may apply

Once upon a time, Amazon Music met audiobooks and listeners everywhere rejoiced. Because now they could listen to one audiobook title a month from an enormous library of popular audiobook titles including Romantasy, Autobiographies, True Crime, and more. Suddenly, listeners didn't mind sitting in traffic or even missing their flight. Amazon Music Unlimited now includes Audible.

I'm gonna go on the date. I'm so curious. How do I tick all three boxes? Okay, how do I tick all three of them?

Anyway, genuinely want to go on a date with this guy because he is an investor and I want to know how to invest. That's why I go on dates to gather information because I am, I hate going to classes. And I was looking into going to night school at UCLA because I was like, I don't understand anything about business and I'm trying to do things with money and business and I don't understand any of it. And no one will teach me anything because everyone wants to like gatekeep their knowledge so that I'll never be independent because they're all evil. So

So I was like, fuck you guys, I'm gonna go to night school. And so I was like, okay. I was applying to night school. I actually didn't, I never even got as far as the application process. I was Googling night school and I found some really good courses at UCLA. And they're like kind of expensive, but like they're like not, it's not like getting a degree. It's like a six to eight month or week. I can't remember if it was a month or week. I don't know. They're like courses, right? You just pay, you don't have to get in. And then I was like, well, I can just date men.

men and women who know the answers to these questions and then just badger them like oh you said you're an investment banker so tell me what the fuck that means you know and then just you just get like one-on-ones

It's just like a one-on-one session with an expert, which is really what I'm trying to do with the fucking other segment of Pretty Lonesome, by the way. I'm just trying to gather. I'm just literally exploiting my means because I'm like, oh, I have an audience. Come on my podcast. Really and truly, I don't give a flying fuck about the audience or the podcast. I'm just there. I have questions for you. Ignore the cameras, babe. Actually, put your pants back on. Literally, what the fuck is investment banking? Huh? Tell me.

Anyway, I'm getting really violently off topic, I apologise. I feel, like, I feel very awake and it's- well, it's only 6.30. I had no idea it gets dark in LA at 6.30. I thought that was a London problem. Turns out it's everywhere. I mean, it's been dark for hours. But it's been warm too, so I'm not complaining, I'm just-

commenting. You know what's crazy is I can't see my reflection right now so I have no idea how ugly I'm looking because I don't like I know my face looks bad because the acne treatment I got but I actually can't see myself because that's how bad my vision is I can't see the viewfinder very well it's blurry so I'm like maybe I'm gonna regret this whole episode don't know. Anyway

I was also thinking about how I feel like I'm a very independent person and I can't decide if it's healthy or unhealthy because I was talking to someone about it and they were like, they talked to me as if it was a problem, like as if I was gonna have to undo it or as if it meant I didn't like other people. Like, I don't know. It was just that I told them like, I love being alone, I'm very independent and I think I'm gonna struggle to let like an eventual partner into my life because like, stop touching my shit, you know, get out.

Like I've just, I feel like I've been alone, truly, truly alone for my whole life. Like I've never had anyone truly come in and get involved. You know what I mean? They just like kind of sit at the perimeters a little bit and like, I don't know how to describe it.

But if I ever got into a situation where I'm gonna have to fucking cohabit, if I was ever to have a relationship where we're like truly, truly committed to one another in like a very normal way and like we live together and shit, like right now, the thought of that, my heart goes somehow to my throat and my ass at the same time.

you know? And like, I was talking to this person and they kind of were acting like, yeah, that's something that you're going to have to undo. Like you're going to have to unlearn it. And I was like, but am I though? Like, why? Like, why is it wrong? I genuinely believe some people are put on earth to be alone. And listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen. I see TikToks and they piss me the fuck off. Let's address it. When people are like, and

And I actually haven't seen one in a while. It's like very like sad girl core and it's also very teenage girl core. And I feel like I'm not on like super sad teenage girl side of TikTok right now, which is great, a great reflection of my mental health. But like, it's this thing people say that we're gonna talk about. And it's basically like genuinely think I'm just not put on earth to know love.

and it's like a girl crying and it's like, it's like people being like genuinely think that I'm put here, like I'm not meant to ever find a romantic partner, I'm not ever meant to know love or friendship, I think I'm just destined to be alone and they're like sobbing about it. Here's the thing, I think that a path that makes you cry is not your path. I think if the idea of something makes you feel afraid, like genuinely scared,

or extremely, extremely sad, then that's because that is not what calls for you. If it's not what calls to your heart, then it's not the path you're put on this earth to follow. So if you're laying in bed crying about the fact that you think you're unlovable or that you'll never find love or that you just have this deep guttural feeling that your purpose on earth is not to be loved or find love, then it's not your purpose if it's making you

Do you understand what I'm saying? Like, for example, I'm gonna sit here right now and be like, I genuinely do not know if my purpose here on earth is to find or be in romantic love. And I feel complete fucking peace with that sentence. That doesn't scare me. I genuinely do not feel drawn to finding a great love of my life. At least right now I don't. And I never have.

And that sentence doesn't make me cry. It doesn't make me feel anxious or scared or sad. It just feels like nothing to me. And I'm not aromantic. I've had very strong romantic feelings for people I've been in love and those things have felt great. But I have never felt like it is something that is going to just majorly befall me in my life. I've never felt like I have a great love out there or like that is my life's purpose defined. So if you're sat at home crying, like I just have this feeling it's not for me. I just have this feeling I'm here to be alone. Then you're not.

It's that simple. Then you're not. Can I tell you guys a fucking crazy story about manifestation? And look, I'm always like one of those people that's like, oh yeah, manifestation. I do believe in it, actually very strongly.

Once upon a time, Amazon Music met audiobooks and listeners everywhere rejoiced. Because now they could listen to one audiobook title a month from an enormous library of popular audiobook titles including Romantasy, Autobiographies, True Crime, and more. Suddenly, listeners didn't mind sitting in traffic or even missing their flight. Amazon Music Unlimited now includes Audible.

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There is this girl on TikTok and she talks a lot about manifestation. She comes up on my For You page always when I need to see her. And she said something about how living in your authenticity can manifest things significantly quicker for you than asking for something that maybe you're not ready for or asking for something that you think you want, but then you get it and you realize it was wrong. Like you think you wanted loads of money, but then you got a promotion at work because you manifested it and now you're stressed.

And it actually turns out you were just fucking happier with the lower salary. And there were actually things in life that fulfilled you more than the money that you thought you wanted. But you manifested it and the universe gave it to you. But it turns out this isn't what you want. She said you can get what you really want in life quicker by living in your authenticity. And so she specifically referred to the fact that she loved puppet making. Really random, right? What a weird hobby. Not weird in a weird way, but like what a strange hobby to have. Like that's not common.

And so I can't remember what she said she did, but she just thought maybe let's say, for example, this isn't verbatim, but she thought about puppet making for a really long time. She was like, that's one thing that just innately I love, you know? So random, but let me try this. I love fucking puppet making. She always has. She said that she asked her landlord if there was somewhere she could store boxes on her property. And her landlord came back. She was like, actually, yes, I have this old garage. And so the landlord takes the girl to the garage and in the garage are a bunch of fucking puppets.

And the landlord's like, sorry, I'm actually a puppet maker and I use this space to create puppets. And the girl was like, well, that's insane because I fucking love puppets too. And now she makes puppets in this garage with this crazy story, right? And it happened in a matter of like a week. And I just kind of listened to it and I was like, okay, interesting, right? And I thought specifically because she had talked about puppets, it cast my mind back to the fact that I love, and I'm not actually gonna say what it is because I don't want anyone to like look at me, you know, with a,

scary eyes but like I it made me think of this one creative thing that I love and it's something I've never got to do

and I love it. And I've always wanted to do it. And just because it's similar to the puppet making thing, I remembered like, I love this thing. So I thought, okay, I'm going to try and sit in that feeling of how making these things would make me feel. And then later on, I went to like the same week guys, or maybe two weeks later, I went to an event in LA and it was an award event. And at this award event, an award was presented to a very famous artist. And she was

I'm not gonna say what kind of artist 'cause then I'm telling you the thing that I love, but she was an artist of this ilk, right? She made this thing that I had been thinking about the fact that I would love to make this thing. And it's very specific thing. And she makes this specific fucking thing. And I was like, that's crazy.

That's so, I've never run into this thing in the world before. I've never met anyone else who does it, who loves it, let alone who's good at it. And now I'm at this crazy award show and an award is being presented for someone who specializes in this thing. And I just thought,

Interesting. Really cool. That same night, I met another guy who asked me on a date. Guys, literally hot shit right here. Okay? He asked me on a date. He gave me three options for the date. Okay? Not the deck guy. Another one. Another one. And he told me we could get coffee, we could go for drinks.

or we could go to a pottery class. Now, the thing that I really love, it's not pottery, but it's in that kind of world, right? And it was the same fucking night. I met him at this exact event. And I was just like, interesting. Like, that is... It was immediate. Like, I sat in the feeling of how much I enjoy this one specific thing and it was given to me twice in one day, you know? And I just thought like, wow. I don't know. Kind of crazy. And...

And in that sense, I think when something genuinely feels good for you and feels authentic and just inexplicably brings you a feeling of joy, like my Vauxhall Astra, that little green car that I usually sit in, the old one, that brings me joy. That's why I never got rid of it. Even when people were laughing at me for fucking driving it and being like, "Bitch, we know you have money, get a new fucking car, you're cosplaying, blah, blah, blah."

No, it brings me joy. And there are so few things in my life that bring me that kind of joy, like childlike and genuine pleasure and joy. My car brings me it, this little art thing that I'm referencing brings me it. And there's a couple of other things that I could name, but I can't be bothered and I don't have a list in front of me. But like, you know the feeling, you know those things that just innate, you just like them.

There's no reason. You just love them, right? For me also, I love going to science museums. That's another thing that I fucking love doing. Like, I don't know why I hate science. I don't like science. I can't do biology. I love the science museum though.

And I have great memories at the Science Museum. And I love this specific art thing. And like, you know what yours are. I'm sure you could name at least one thing that you just like it. Like you love when you see it. You know that it's your thing a little bit. It doesn't mean you've ever done it or that you're good at it, but you just like it. Or you have this idea of you doing it at some point. Think of how that thing makes you feel. I think that is authenticity at its core. Authenticity of enjoyment. The way I feel right now in this phase of my life is that that feeling can guide me.

a lot of life purpose. If you don't know what job you fucking want or you don't know what dinner you want or you don't know where you want to live or who you want to be or who you want to marry or who you want to love or who you want to sleep with or like anything or what you want to study, you can still find what brings you authentic enjoyment. It doesn't have to be joy, it doesn't have to be pleasure, it can just be enjoyment. That's a simple word and it's a great word. And so when I see people sat there like screaming, crying over, I just don't think that I'm gonna ever get to experience this

The fact alone that you're crying about it means that you will probably get to experiencing it because you want that thing. I see how much you want that thing. You're crying over the fact, the absence of it, which means that surely it's destined for you. You understand what I mean? Like, no, you're looking this way, babe, this way. You need to go, I want you to go like this, like a complete shift in perspective, you know? And what the fuck was my point with all of this? I just went off on a whole tangent, but like,

God, I love this podcast. No one else lets me speak for this long. But like, yeah, that's how that's... That's why it always pissed me off when I would see those videos. But I've never... Oh my god, my hair. I've never really been able to like put into words why I hate when people freak out about things like that before. But now I can kind of explain it. If like, you're panicking over kind of nothing. That said though, I think it's important that if it's not present in your life right now, that you just wait for it and you're patient. Because until you find peace with the absence of something that's meant for you, I don't think it will arrive. Because it's...

you're not ready, you know? Until you're okay without it or until you're at peace with temporary absence of the thing, until you are fulfilled without it, it will probably not come to you. Like, that's a block, you understand? You have to accept at all stages your circumstance, but...

understand and believe that you are headed towards something else, you know? I don't know, it's just my fucking two cents on life and shit. I don't know, I don't know, I don't... Can you imagine going on a fucking date with me? Sometimes I think about myself, if I was a fucking man,

If I was a man saying the things I'm saying, genuinely shut the fuck up. Who are you? What is the word for me? Self-righteous, opinionated, self-righteous, annoying. Give me a guitar and I'll play it for you and I'll shake my head loads while I play it. Well, thanks guys for watching this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. Please let me know what the hell I should actually fucking do about the date deck because I'm slightly scared. And if you guys want me to go on it just so I can report back,

then I'll do that let me know I'm a journalist at heart okay not going on it for any other reason not going on that date for any other reason other than journalism but just how fucking insane I don't even want to go on the day I just want to tell you how insane have has anyone ever had that happen does this happen is this a thing is this normal I'm gonna make dinner tonight I got groceries for the first time today I know not impressive because I've been living here for four weeks now

Only four weeks though. Well, not by the time you guys see this episode, lol. I'm gonna shut the fuck up. I really am. I love you so much. Sorry if I talked your ear off this week. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. Thanks for cuddling in bed with me. And I'll see you guys next week for another episode of Pretty Lonesome. I can't wait. I love you so much. Bye. That was so aggressive. Bye-bye, literally.

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