I love Greek mythology smut
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Okay, hi guys. Welcome back to another week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. This week, I've ditched the car. I'm in my bed. I'm in my PJs. I'm in the PJs. I got from Home Bargains. Okay, they were like £5 or £7. I can't recommend highly enough if you have a Home Bargains near you. I dare you, indulge, okay? These are the best pajama bottoms ever, and I just revel in the fact that they were so cheap. Like, I love getting so much out of something that cost me so little. Like, it's just

Anyways, this is not the top that came with them. This is a top from my favorite hairstylist in the world, Rikimoto, his boyfriend's brand.

And it's got manifestations on the back. I love it. It's so comfy. And I love the length of the arms. Like, I love this t-shirt so much. Okay, so what do we have to discuss today? Well, my first major problem that I'm having this week is that I... Well, let's talk about the positives. Okay, I have finally... Now, everyone, I want to... Let's take a deep breath in because we're going to breathe a collective sigh of relief. Ready? You guys go because I have to talk. But you take a...

I finally hired an assistant. I know. Oh my god, you guys, I don't know how I'm this deep into this bullshit without having anyone to like help me. But I hired an assistant. Okay. I have been looking for an assistant for a long time and no one seemed to really like fit or it just like this search would just get like pushed back by other things that were more important. But I have finally managed to find myself someone.

an assistant. I just have really needed a little helping hand for a while now. And you know what her first job is going to be? Her first job is going to be help me acquire some ADHD medication, okay? I was diagnosed with ADHD, as you guys know, about, I don't know, what was maybe like

six to nine months ago now. It was a while ago, maybe even a year ago. It could have been a year ago. I was diagnosed long enough ago that I should be well into my medication journey by now if that was the route that I decided to take, which I would like medication, okay? I've said this before. I would like to try medication for this ADHD because it is very life-hindering to me. I might not like the medication. I might come off it. Fuck it. But I want to try, okay? I...

got diagnosed with ADHD and then the psychiatrist that I went to was like okay so basically I'm gonna you have to like take this medication form to your GP but and then they have to decide to prescribe it to you because I'm not allowed to prescribe it like it has to go through them but I can like write the recommendation or something and then they're gonna prescribe it and then they're gonna send you to like a specialist and then you're gonna try out a bunch of different medications but it could take a while and there's a wait there's like a wait time then he sent me an

email and then I would have to take that email elsewhere and respond to it and then like get a form and then go to my GP. But mind you, I am a very irresponsible girl. I don't have a GP. GP, if you don't, I don't know if they have that in America. It means general practitioner. It's basically like your doctor, like any, just your main doctor, um,

I don't have one. Okay, my GP, well, I do have one. It's in Canterbury because that's where I went to university and I have never changed it and I'm not fucking driving all the way up to Canterbury to go to the GP. It's not happening. So I never took that form and I never went to the GP. Thus, I never actually got any medication because I didn't start the process. So...

why didn't I do that because I have fucking ADHD okay the second he said that I went oh this entire thing was pointless the second he said there's an email you're gonna have to respond to I said why the fuck would you do that to me you've just diagnosed with it me with horrible ADHD and now I'm gonna say there's a 15 step process that you need to now go through in order to get your medication am I pathetic and lazy and is this generation doomed maybe okay maybe I don't want to be held responsible for that but maybe okay and my first point of call for my new assistant is gonna be babe

Please get me this ADHD medication. If I was a normally functioning human being, I probably could stay on top of everything that I need to do. But I also really kind of need someone that can travel with me because I travel for work all the time and I don't have any friends or relationships that can do that with me. Like everyone else is very busy with their own lives. And so I don't have anyone that I can just like have with me. So a lot of the time when I travel for work and I love traveling alone, don't fucking get me wrong. Like it's my preference.

but a lot of the time like I'll be going to events in foreign countries and it's really intimidating and it's like I don't know where to go who to talk to where my seat is I don't know what's going on like I don't even speak the language and I'll be going to shoots where I don't have anyone to like advocate for me and it's just like you kind of just do need that extra body there to be like the person to say no to someone or like the person to like show you you know what I mean like you just need the body and it's really intimidating doing all of this stuff alone sometimes but

Point being, I've hired an assistant and I am going to get her to bring me my medication ASAP. Okay? The next thing that I have to talk about with you guys is something that's really important and deep to me. And that is Madison Miller, I believe her fucking name is. Okay? Okay.

She wrote The Song of Achilles. Now, if you've never read The Song of Achilles, I highly recommend that you do. It is a, without spoiling anything, it is a story about two boys in like Greek mythology world. Okay, I'm such a slut for Greek mythology. I took a class in Greek mythology at university. I did a minor. It was the biggest mistake I've ever made. That shit is so...

fucking hard. It's like calculus. Like it's so confusing. There is so much reading. And I didn't realize it's one of those things. You really just have to study that shit for years. Like it's like being like, it's like, imagine there is a TV show with 50 C's. It's like, imagine trying to watch EastEnders and write an essay on everything that's ever happened in EastEnders. Like you can't, there's just so much to get through so much content. Like you just have to have been watching it. You just have to have known about it for a long time.

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joyba on Instagram and TikTok at joyba.fun for fun giveaways and to find a retailer near you. And so I took this master's, no, I took this minors in Greek mythology and everyone knew so much because they were like Greek mythology, like fans, like fangirls, like they spent years of their life on this shit. And I was like, oh my God, like I just thought we were going to learn from like square one, you know what I mean? But I was wrong.

I actually did pass the class though, but I'm pretty sure I passed on the pass mark. Like I got a 60 in that class. Um,

yeah greek mythology as much as i don't understand it i absolutely eat that shit up when it is made in a way that is like palatable to me and understandable to me and not too confusing because like the second i start not knowing who the characters are and shit like why would i read that why would i watch that you know it's too confusing but it's like the song of achilles is based within greek mythology and it is about achilles okay and i'm gonna butcher this name pat

Patroclus. Patroclus. I say in my head when I read the book, I say Patroclus, okay? I don't think that's the right way to say it. But they are two young boys and Achilles is training to go to battle and he's this like very celebrated boy and then... And he's got all these special skills. I don't know what the fuck they're called. And then...

Basically, point being, they fall in love and they kiss, okay? It's very interesting to see how she's written it, like how gay culture would have been accepted or not accepted like back in those days. Without spoiling it, I do remember that there was this one line when... So these boys, they've been like doing the deed for however long, right? And they're like very in love.

But it's never really discussed whether it is like a public thing or not. I feel like it's like very just like this is what they're doing. And it doesn't really talk much about like their relationships with society. You know what I mean? Like they're very much private for most of the time. But that's just like the way the book goes is they're kind of by themselves a lot. And then, I don't know, Achilles goes to battle and one of the other soldiers says to him or one of the other gods or somebody says to Achilles,

It's not uncommon for young boys to take each other as lovers, but it stops once you reach maturity, was kind of the implied substance of the sentence that he said. I can't remember it word for word. And I found that so interesting. It is not only amazing smut, okay, but it is...

It's truly the only time I have ever seen love written on paper, okay? And I don't read a lot of love books. I don't read a lot of fiction in general. I just don't. I'm not a big reader. I used to be, but I'm just not anymore. I just don't care for it. Like, I just do not get into it anymore. I want to read a book this summer. That's one of my goals. But I'm just not really a reader. I love it when I get into a good book, but I'm just... I just never do it. But I've read Song of Achilles like five times now and...

It is... So I could be wrong saying, oh, it's the only place that I've ever seen love written out like this. Well, it's the only place I've ever seen love written out like this because I fucking don't read. But it is the way I have experienced love, okay? The few times that I have felt that little spark in my little heart, okay? That is what it felt like. And if I had the literacy skills, that is how I would have written it. You know what I mean? Like, that is what I would have said. And...

the way that oh my god guys I'm gonna actually like geek the fuck out but the way that Patroclus again sorry if that's not his name loves Achilles from inside his own brain that's how I feel about it okay he like oh my god it's just like

There's this one scene, again, sorry, spoilers if you wanted to read the book, but it's not like a massive spoiler. It's just like a little tiny one. But they go to battle, right? And these are two young boys. They've grown up together. Sorry, massive spoilers. Okay, fuck it. Just shut up, everybody. I'm spoiling the book now. So they go to battle, okay? And it's just Achilles. He's out fighting and he has to kill people, okay? And he's really killing people like with swords and shit. And Patroclus is staying at the tent all the time. He's like at the campgrounds. He's normally like fighting because he's useless at it.

So every night when or every however often Achilles returns from battle to find Patroclus. Oh my god, Patroclus says he comes back to the tent and he's covered in blood and he looks so traumatized and blah blah blah. And then he gets to talk about battle and I get to just watch him just be Achilles again. That's how I feel about that.

Oh my fucking God. Oh my God. And the whole time, the way through this whole book, Patroclus is saying things like, he just shines, like he's just got this... And from the get-go, okay, from the get-go, the author has made it very clear that Patroclus is kind of this like,

skinny, sickly, useless, kind of pathetic little boy. He gets kicked out of his own kingdom. He's kind of just like his father hates him. He's not going to be any kind of god, right? But Achilles comes from gods. His parents or his mother's a god. So he's got this completely different status. He's described as attractive. He's this young, physically fit, blonde,

boy like he's got you know they describe the way his clothes fall off of him and the way that the other boys in the room interact with him and he's just like clearly this person that just glows you know outside like he's like a Serena Vanderwood's enough his time okay he just glows and he

He was the Alex Earl of Greek mythology, if you will. Okay? So most of the love that we see towards Achilles comes from Patroclus, comes from inside his head. Okay? I'm going to read you my favorite quote. This is a very famous quote, but it makes me cream every time. It says,

See, now I'm just going to have to take all my bones out of my body and put them in a pile in the corner and then just sit and stare at them because I don't know what else to do when I read something like that. Oh my God, that stresses me out because I have felt that way. Like I have. Oh my God. Like I felt that way towards someone before and it is the most insane feeling. Like it makes you go insane and I love it.

I love it, but I've never seen it put on paper before. I don't know who this writer is, and I think she has a foot fetish because the way his feet struck the earth. There are so many mentions of feet in this book. It's insane. If you read it, I urge you to look out for that because it's kind of gross, but it's always just like...

She'll be like, yeah, his stomach is so muscly and he's got like an ab and six packs and this like luscious blonde hair. And then his feet, his feet have dirt between them because he doesn't have shoes on. And it's just like, why did you need to fucking say that? Let me find you guys another quote that makes me want to genuinely gouge my eyeballs out. Oh, OK. So this is when they're like, guys, sorry, again, massive spoiler. But this is when they're like falling in love. OK, everybody shh.

I will never leave him. It will be this way always, for as long as he will let me. If I had the words to speak such a thing, I would have. But there were none that seemed big enough to hold that swelling truth. As if he had heard me, he reached for my hand. I did not need to look. His fingers were etched into my memory, slender and petal-veined, strong and quick and never wrong. Patroclus, he said. He was always better with words than I. I will scream! He smiled and his face was like the sun. Okay, there's people I feel that way about. And what? I love that.

It says, I will never leave him. It will be this always for as long as he will let me. Like that feeling of just literally being so fucking in love with someone that you just look at them and you're just like, as long as you let me be in your life, I will be right fucking here. Like I will be. And you can't even consider

perceive a time when they wouldn't have that, where that way you wouldn't. Like, you can't perceive anything they could do that would make you walk away. Do you know what I mean? When you just find someone that is so... But this is... I'm talking about my best friend right now. When someone's soul is just so...

good that you're like I will never have to walk away from you like I will never have to not love you and also one thing I pride myself on that also is the reason most days that I like want to die is that once I've loved someone I never stop and it is like a blessing and a curse okay we're getting into me now fuck the book okay this is how Madeline Argy loves people um by the way that is how you say my name Argy I don't want to hear you guys saying Argy anymore pisses me off

I'm kidding it doesn't but it kind of does it kind of does but it's like once I have loved someone and they've done like okay people have done me dirt like people have done me dirty and it's like I don't really there's like one person that I loved and then they did me dirty and now I'm like I actually love you but I don't like you like when I think about you doesn't make me happy when I think about you smiling I'm like okay.

I'm glad that you're out there happy like it makes me feel warm that you're out there happy then there's other people that I've loved and they did me dirty and knowing that they are out there alive is enough to sustain me I would never have to eat or drink water again like that will sustain me just that knowledge it's like I'm gonna do photosynthesis with that fucking knowledge the knowledge that you're out there happy and safe and that's fine and there's been people that I've loved that I'm like I love you so much

That I just want you to just go away from me. Because I don't want to... Like, I can't give you what you need. This isn't going to work. I just want you to...

I love you so much that I will completely give you up and I just want to know that you're out there living and being happy like that is it that's all I need from you like and I've always said this like love isn't possessive love isn't selfish and sometimes you just sometimes that's the kind of love you have with someone you're just like you know what like I'm so glad I've met you you're gonna make my life better for the rest of it and I just want you to go and have fun now and I'm just gonna see that occasionally and I love you like just go you know what I mean and other

Other times, it's like you love someone you want to be with them forever. And that's perfect. I love that. It hasn't happened to me yet. But, you know, one day, maybe fingers fucking crossed. Anyways, let me find you guys another quote. Well, I don't know. This was just a page on Goodreads with all the best quotes. And I know which part of the story they're all from because I've read it so many fucking times. He smiled and his face was like the sun. Oh, God. There's something interesting about like when...

you have a character, be it fictional, like real life, where they are like weaker, like they're the weaker character. And then they date this person, they fall in love with this person who is like this glowing, strong, celebrated character. And then the way that they love that person, because that's always how I feel. Like whenever I've been in love with someone, I always feel like, like, I just feel like a mere mortal compared to them. Like, I don't know what it is. But it's like, when I've dated girls and women, it's like,

I could be walking around my life and I feel like this empowered woman. I feel great. I'm like, yes, I am a woman. I'm a girl. And then I date a girl or I fall in love with a girl and I'm like, I'm nothing. I'm on my knees. You are this holy woman and I know nothing of that. I'm just this, I don't know. Do you need your toes cleaned? I don't know what it is, but it's like I almost feel like

genuine dirt under their feet like and it's because it's like I look up to the people that I love so much that I feel smaller and it's really taught it's not like it's not a good thing okay but I always feel like I am Patrickless in every situation I am like this little thing in love with something so much bigger than me and I'm just like babe I don't know what you're doing but I'm just happy to watch you do it and everyone I've ever dated has been I'm not everybody I've ever dated

that is not true a couple of the people that I've dated in my life have been wildly more successful than me and I think that's like and and not even like in a crazy way but in like a in like smaller ways you know in ways that seemed massive to me at the time but in hindsight weren't like they actually weren't massively more successful than me also you were 12 like what's going on like they just do drama club babe they just do drama club like that's it but

In my perspective, it's always been that, okay? They've always been this, like, glowing oracle, and I am smelly dirt, okay? So that's why I relate to this book so much, because it's basically what's going on, okay? I'd have a god dating a mortal. Achilles is not a god. He was venerated and worshipped like a god. Okay, but he's not a god, and he is mortal, and that makes sense, because, spoiler alert, he dies at the end of the book. Eep!

This episode is brought to you by Mejuri. You know, I had a thought the other day. Since Rwanda jewelry becomes something we only bought on special occasions, Mejuri approaches fine jewelry a little bit differently. Each one of their pieces is handcrafted by jewelers committed to quality craftsmanship as well as ethical and sustainable jewelry production. Created by women for women, Mejuri is breaking down barriers in what has long been an exclusive and occasional category of men buying for women.

In 2020, the brand launched the Mejuri Empowerment Fund in support of higher education for underrepresented women and non-binary individuals. Because fine jewelry doesn't have to cost the world, feel good about your jewelry in more ways than one. Start stacking your favorites, shop online, or visit the website to find a store near you. Hey y'all, Marce Martin here with a little Tampax story. One time I went on vacation in the Bahamas with some friends, and of course I got my period.

I didn't want anything to stop me from living my best life on my trip. So I was like, why not be brave and try Tampax? Before that, I really just thought tampons were for adults, and I definitely thought they'd be uncomfortable. Guess what, y'all? They really aren't. It might take a few tries, but once it's in right, you shouldn't feel it, which is great. For a better way to period, just add Tampax.

Okay, we need to, we need to bring back unrequited yearning because that's when I have the most fun personally. Like I, it's all good being in like a nice, healthy, you know, reciprocated relationship. But really when I'm my happiest is when I am yearning for someone who just does not care about me. I love it. I love it. Bring that back.

I don't know what it is. No, I don't love it. I don't love it. Like I look back on those times in my life and I'm like, really? I wasn't making good decisions. I was shitposting on my Instagram and it didn't get me anywhere. But I just feel like it gives me this almost like manic sense of motivation whenever I have like unrequited obsessions for somebody. And I get it. A crush is just a lack of information. Okay, but that's no fun. That's

that's no fun and it's like I okay there's some people when they're delusional it's kind of scary and you're like oh babe you really need to hear the truth about this situation for me when I'm delusional I'm not actually crazy I'm just having fun so I kind of let myself indulge when the times come you know okay so when I was 16 I had this crush on this person they were in my English literature class okay and this is my first like big major crush and

and I was so freakishly enamored by them. And, like, I remember they spoke to me, like, twice ever. I would ask people about them all the time. Like, my sister was friends with them. I'd be like, so, like, have they ever mentioned me? Or, like, I don't know. My sister would be like, no, like, shut the fuck up. Don't be a weirdo. And I'd be like, oh, yeah, of course. No, you got it. And then I would text my friends about them. Like, they would stand next to me at the bus stop, and I would be, like, sweating texting my friends. Like, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

And it was like so much fun, but it was actually terrible. Like I was so fucked over this person, like genuinely. And like I was deranged. Like I would just sit at home and I would listen to, oh my God, I would, oh my God, let me fucking, wait, I don't want to get copyrighted for this song. Let me, ah, it was called T-shirt by, I want to say it's by Birdie. Ah, it is. Oh my God, it was in the 49 Stars. Oh my God, this song, who the fuck

the fuck is it by? Birdie. Yeah. And it's from the 49 Stars soundtrack. Oh my God. And I discovered this song, okay? Because me and my friends went to Center Parcs on a family vacation, by the way, by the way, before I trash my image online. I've only ever been to Center Parcs once and it was that time, okay? I was not raised at Center Parcs. I don't know

why I feel the need to clarify that. It's just that I have this weird resentment towards people that were Center Parcs families. Shut the fuck up. We get it. You're a nuclear family with a bit of extra income. You don't need to fucking shove it down our faces, okay? It's a lifestyle choice that you've made privately in your own fucking home.

Jesus Christ. I was, I'm so jealous. Like it's a jealousy thing. I just wanted to be a Center Parcs family so bad. And my best friend's family is a massive Center Parcs family. They got a mom, a dad, an older brother, a younger sister, and a fucking Labrador. I was sick in the head as a child. The way I literally tried to do astral projection on this guy. I said, I want your fucking life so bad.

I don't know what it was. I just had this complex as a kid. Like, I was in a single parent family and I just, we just, it just, I just wanted the, I just wanted the nuclear family so fucking bad. So bad. And for me, Center Parcs was the embodiment of that, of like a healthy nuclear family. I went to Butlins a couple of times as a kid, but we really weren't that kind of a, uh...

of a family. Like my mum, well after my dad left, my mum would take us on road trips a lot. And I'm not sure why. I think that's why I like driving so much now, like in hindsight. Because the year my dad left, it was an all-girl household. My mum wanted to make that fun for us while trauma dumping, bear with. So she took us to the pet store and she was like, you guys can get pets. Um,

Me and my sisters were never allowed animals. My dad didn't want any. So now she's like, well, it's just us girls and we're allowed pets. So she took us to the pet store and she got us two female hamsters. So it was an all-girls household. And we were just trying to make it fun, you know? And then she started taking us on these really cool road trips that my dad would never have done because he just wasn't into that kind of stuff. Actually, my dad takes road trips all the time now. What the fuck? Anyway...

She would start taking us on road trips. So we went from like, I don't know why I'm telling you why my family vacations as a kid would look like. I don't know how we got here. But we would drive like into France in our little car. And I would just, I loved it. Like I would sit in the back with the windows down and I would play with my little teddy because we had one of those pop-up tables in the back seat. And I'd put him on there and make him dance. Like that's just my clearest memories, kid. And we would just drive and then we'd stop at motels at night and we'd just do it for a couple weeks. And then we'd go home. And it was the most fucking fun ever. Yeah.

but I did envy I really envied people that would just go to fucking center parks like what the fuck I want to go and where's my dad I had a real big issue with my dad leaving for a long time like I I don't know what it really affected me and I didn't even think it did but it did like I was just like I didn't know it did but looking back I was so jealous of my friends with dads and like with these perfect families and like

I don't know. I was just really fucking weirdly jealous of them. Which I guess makes sense. So me and my friends had gone to Center Parcs. We were 14 years old, okay? Or 15, 14, 15, okay? I think 14 or 15 because I remember I...

Did I have my period? Yeah. So that's how I define my life. Okay. When did I get my fucking period? Because it was such a big moment for me. I don't know. Because I waited so long. I was nearly 15. Okay. So we'd gone to Center Parcs. And my friend was talking to like her first boy. Okay. And we were sharing a room. And we all shared this one heart. It was me, my best friend, her mom, who is my mom's best friend, my sister, and her big sister. Okay. And

And all the kids were like piled in one room sharing. And it was so fun. And she was talking to her first ever boyfriend. And she would play the fucking song T-shirt by Birdie on repeat and be like, I'm sleeping in his T-shirt. And she was sleeping in his T-shirt. And I was foaming at the mouth. I said, I want that. That right there. I want that. And then I guess I would have been 15 then when I had this unrequited, insane crush on this person in my fucking literature class.

And as I started playing this song on repeat and I would listen to it and I haven't had this feeling since I was a teenager. But, you know, when you still lay in bed or like maybe you still do if you're lucky enough to still be 15 or should I say unfortunate enough? I don't know. It's like it's terrible and it's amazing. But I would lay there and I would genuinely nearly throw up from the butterflies. I would do it on purpose because I love the feeling and I would just lay there and I would just.

butterflies would rip themselves out my stomach. And just this insane crush I had on her was so intense. And I remember walking home one day and this is, I was very in the closet at this point. I didn't really know I like girls and I really wasn't comfortable with the idea that I did. And I had a lot of internalized homophobia and I was just terrified.

Um, and I was, I had been battling with that for a while because I had figured out that I was probably into girls about maybe like six months before, but I was like kind of in denial about that. And I was...

I was really beating myself up about it at this point in time, actually. And I, this is my Shannon Beveridge era, by the way. And she was, Shannon Beveridge was really helping me during this phase of my life. But I was really, I was really having a hard time with it, to say the very least. And I remember walking home so in love with her, so I thought, and walking up my hill and saying, like, surrendering it to myself almost being like,

If it feels this good to me, it's not wrong. If like the love or whatever the fuck it was that I thought I felt for her, that so much affection for this person. I said, there's no way this can be wrong. There's no way this is a sin. There's no way this is something that is repulsive. There is no way this is something I'm not supposed to feel. Like if this is how I feel about this person...

That is it. And it was my first true crush on a girl that enabled me to let go of a lot of that like internalized homophobia that I had because I was like, there's no way this is wrong. Like I can't deny myself this and I don't want to deny her. Like she's so beautiful and this is, she's so everything. And I just can't, I can't, I can't sit here and tell myself this is wrong because it's not.

And it was like a transformative moment for me. And once I'd made that decision in my head of like, this isn't wrong, that was like my life changed from that point forward. Now, about six months after, I'd kind of forgotten all about her. My sister comes up to me and she's like, oh my God, do you know who has a crush on you? Or like who used to have a really big crush on you like last year when you were in their literature class? Me!

It was requited. It was requited the whole fucking time. The whole fucking time. And had anyone listened to my request of, hey, did they mention me? Did they mention me? Then maybe it would have gone somewhere, okay? But it didn't. Because no one told me. Because everyone was like, no, they didn't fucking mention you. Go away, little sister. Because I was a year below my sister at school. And that just caused a riff, generally. Like...

Like we had so many overlaps and so many friendships that were the same. And it was just like, if I like this person was friends with my sister. So if I'm still there, like, hey, does your friend fancy me? She's going to be like, get the fuck out my face, you rat. And I'd be like, OK, got it. You know?

Me and my sister, we really didn't talk a lot at school until we ended up. So in the UK, you have secondary school and then sixth form. Sixth form is, fuck me, what's it called? Junior and senior year. And when you're in junior and senior year in the UK, a lot of schools or all schools have like a different part of the school because you enter something called sixth form. You do different exams. They're called A-levels. It's like a whole thing.

And so you have like a different, like we had a different lunch area just for the sixth formers and a different everything just for the sixth formers, right? You are no longer in general population. So when I, me and my sister had one year where we were both in there because I'm one year below her. And before that year, anytime I'd come up to her at school, it was kind of like, you need to get the fuck out of our faces, little one. And I'd be like, okay, got it. You know, I know my place.

But then I moved up to the big school and I didn't have any friends because I'd just moved to the school the year before and I was painfully shy and also just generally uninterested in socializing. So I didn't know anyone. But I was getting increasingly nervous about the fact I didn't know anyone because I was like...

what am I going to do at lunchtime? And I don't want to embarrass myself. Like, I don't want my sister to see me being alone because I feel like that's embarrassing. Like, if I'm alone and no one's talking to me, but who cares? Like, no one's seeing that happen. Like, I don't care. Like, I don't mind. But like, I get embarrassed. Like, oh, my sister's seeing that I'm a fucking loner. I feel embarrassed. So I went up to my sister on the first day of sixth form and I was like,

Like, hey, babe, I'm going to be your friend now. Is that cool? I'm going to take all your friends. I'm going to hang out with you all the time. We're going to you're never going to see the end of me. You're going to see me at home. You're going to see me at school. You're going to see me after school clubs. Is that cool with you?

She said, no. So she took me by the shoulders, guys, I'm not kidding you. My sister took me by the shoulders. She turned me around. She walked me up to this random girl. Never met her in my life. Or I'd met her like twice, but I barely knew her name, okay? Walks me up to this girl. She relinquishes her grip on my shoulders, okay? And she says, Madeline, this is Kat. Kat, this is Madeline. You two are going to be friends. Goodbye. And that...

girl is still, she's one of my best friends to this day. Okay. Kat, I love you. That is how we met. And Kat didn't have, I guess, like a whole bunch of friends to like hang out with. So she was pretty, I mean, she definitely had like, she'd been in the school forever and she knew a bunch of people and she had a really good friend group and she had a boyfriend. But I guess she was still, you know, everyone's, you know, the more I'm area. So she took me in and

And she said, okay, cool. We're friends now. Meet me back here at lunch. And then the bell rang, we went to our separate classes and I met her back there at lunch. And in the time that had elapsed since then, she had met the new girl that had just joined our school that year, who I won't name because she turned out to be quite insane actually.

And we became a little trio. And it was really sweet. And we all just kind of marched around together. You know, it was perfect. And we had a really strong friendship group for the next two years. And I didn't have to bother my sister very much at all, which perfect, even though my sister was like best friends with Kat's boyfriend at the time. So we all still did end up hanging out all the time.

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Also, I got my first job like the week I turned 16. And I worked in a pub. And I worked there for a couple of years. And whilst I worked there, I was 16. So all my friends obviously were still at school, were still at home. And a couple of my friends worked at that same pub. And then my sister worked at the same pub. And a couple of her friends worked at the same pub. So there were days...

when the only staff that were on was just like a massive one of our friend groups. Like me and my sister just kind of combined. And it was just like, we were just hanging out. And then we had this manager who was like, well, we had two managers, one, which was like a literal pervert. And I don't like that guy. And then the second one who was really cool, he was like 26 and he didn't give a fuck. And so the shift where it would just be like all of our friends. And then this random 26 year old guy who was just violently underpaid and didn't care.

Oh my god, it was so much fun. Like, it was so much fun. I will say, that job did give me genuine, genuine, like, complexes. Like, the abuse I suffered at that workplace. Guys, let me tell you about my first fucking day at work ever, okay? I was...

freshly 16 years old because I will I went to this pub the week I turned 16 I said please may I have a job because you can't work before you're 16 in the UK I mean you kind of can but not really not like unless you know someone so I walked into this pub it's I'm freshly 16 and I said hello please may I have a job and they said yeah and I said cool that's really cool uh establishments that hire you on the spot are never cool never but anyway they hired me on the spot they said cool

First shift, Saturday, see you there. I said, perfect. I went out, I bought some black skinny jeans and a black polo shirt and I rocked up Saturday morning, fresh faced, ready to go. Okay. Eager, keen, excited. I was really excited. I want to put on, I wanted to put on the apron really bad. Um, so then I

this manager the one that i have previously referred to as a pervert okay he goes hi madeline uh i'm gonna introduce you to the chef and i'm gonna show you around okay this was when my life changed okay we walk into the fucking kitchen and um saturdays if you live under a rock are typically quite busy days in pubs in the uk okay people come in for food they come in for drinks it's kind of like a hub

Okay, so they're all expecting a busy shift. And mind you, this is like the main pub where we live. Okay, it's always busy in there. So he walks me into the kitchen where I meet the chef. Now we're going to call this chef Bill, right? His name wasn't Bill. It wasn't Bill, but we're going to call him Bill. He walks me up to the chef. The chef looks me up and down in my scrawny 16 year old state. Okay, I'm scared. I'm 16.

I've barely just started my period, okay? I am violently skinny. Like for no, like my knees are twice the size of my thigh, okay? They still are. I don't know why it's really annoying. But like no matter how much weight I put on, my knees are still bigger than my leg. Can someone help me? Anyways, so I walk into the galley.

And is it called a galley? I haven't worked in a pub for five years. But anyway, I walk in, chef looks me up and down and he goes, what the fuck is this? He's verbatim. He says, what the fuck is this? My manager goes, this is our new staff, Madeline. He says, you bring me this on a fucking Saturday? Guys, I could literally paint a picture and it would be 100% accurate. Okay. I remember every word, every movement, every... I remember what the fucking kitchen smelled like from when I was stood there because I was so scared.

He said, what the fuck is this? You bring me this on a Saturday? Like you bring me a kid who clearly has never worked a fucking day in her life, who doesn't know what she's about to be put through on a fucking Saturday? We're going to be busy. You've brought me this. A trainee 16 year old on a Saturday. Her legs will never hold up. I just kind of looked at the floor and said, I feel like this is not my fault, you know?

um then uh we get out of there okay and he hands me a list and he's written on a little piece of paper he goes i need you to go to tesco's and i need you to pick me up a copy of the times a copy of the daily mail and three eyes so three times three mails and three eyes now when i tell you i was not picking up what he was fucking putting down i said what the fuck is that i

didn't read the fucking newspaper. I didn't know. I didn't know he meant newspaper. I said, what the fuck is an I? What the fuck is an I? Because he'd written it 3XI, like I dot. I said,

I said, what the fuck is that? And he smacked the piece of paper and went, I know how I can make it any clearer to you. I need the mail. I need the telegraph. And I need the eye. And I just took the piece of paper like, I don't know what the fuck he means, but I'm just going to walk around Tesco until I see this. And then on my way there, I realized, oh, they're newspapers. But I don't know how I didn't click in my head. Obviously, I know what the Daily Times is. Like, I know what the Daily Mail is. Like, I know. But it's the way he'd written it. He's like...

3xi i said what the fuck do you mean i think the list was more extensive than that too it was like i need three steaks because mind you expose but this this kitchen would just cook food from tesco and i don't know if that's normal or not but like if we if someone ordered a steak well i was gonna run across the road and get you one okay from from tesco i was gonna get you a 2.50 steak with my club card and then i was gonna charge you 11.50 for it and that was just the way it worked okay so

I was back and forth to Tesco all the time to the point that me and the clerk, is it called a clerk? Me and the guy that works at Tesco, we're tight to this day. Okay, he still works. I fucking love him. I love him. Okay, we're still friends because I was there so fucking often because I was the most useless member of staff, which meant I went to Tesco a lot. But yeah, dude, we can dive into that job that I had another time because there are so many funny stories from that job. Like,

The way the chefs treated me was absurd. And also, the manager that I have now referenced twice as a pervert, this is my third time, I stand on that statement, okay? He used to turn to me and just boldly say things like, I can't wait till you're 18. What do you mean? Oh my god, what do you literally mean? And then I remember one time, me and my co-worker, who was the same age as me, we were stood behind the bar talking, and it was really quiet, and then...

from the corner of my ear what yeah from the corner of my fucking ear I hear my manager go just so you know they're minors that you're taking pictures of right now and me and my friend turn around and it's this guy with his fucking phone out and he's like videoing me and my friend I don't know what his plans with that were but um and he was like just so you know that they're minors and I've never felt more disgusting in my life as a what the fuck you're not gonna you're not gonna like tackle him to the floor I know what the fuck you're not gonna say anything else just just you know they're minors

I guess it was the best he could have done in this situation, like there's really no point trying to beef a guy at the bar, I don't know, like whatever, but maybe that's wrong of me to say, I don't know. That is the job I told this story on TikTok once, and it was basically that these people are coming with celiac disease, okay? And I know what celiac disease is, and I know that it can be very, very serious, like it can kill you, or it could just make you very sick, either way, no one wants to get glutened if they're celiac, okay?

So little 16 year old me is getting a little bit more ballsy with the chef. Okay. At this point, I'm like, this guy is fucking bullshit. Like, I hate this man. He hates me. It's fine. We're beefing. It's not like I'm trying to get your approval. Like we're fully beefing at this point. It's like six months into me working there.

So this table comes in and I seat them and they tell me, hey, we have celiac disease. And could we could you just make sure that if we're ordering something that it really is gluten free, even if it says on the menu, we just want to make sure it's really gluten free. I was like, of course. So they order things that say that they're gluten free on the menu. Right.

Uh, I take their order and then I go down to the kitchen and I show the chef and I say, hey, chef, uh, they want these, but I need to make sure that you're actually going to make them gluten free. Like, like truly, fully gluten fucking free. Right. Because this kitchen was cross contamination central. Like, I'm not even, it was disgusting down there. And it was like, everything was just stored in a big fucking pile in the fridge. Like there was no, it was guys, they're,

One time, okay, I'm going to shut up in a sec, but one time my manager came in. He said, would you mind unpacking something from my boot? Bitch, we all know what was in his boot.

warm lamb warm not refrigerated just sacks and sacks of warm lamb yeah and that was for a kebab it was disgusting okay like this kitchen is like a health hazard as is let alone for someone with a serious illness okay so i'm like hey i need to make sure that you're gonna make this gluten-free right he yanks me and this piece of paper across the like divider where they put the food he yanks me and i'm not letting go i'm like what the fuck he yanks me he's like

gluten fucking free right because he's pointing at like the items like he knows I know gluten fucking free you fucking and again I won't be repeating that word because it is a very unpleasant word okay um

And I said, oh, but he screamed it. Okay. So everyone had the whole restaurant. And I was like, oh, so I walked back up. My chin is wobbling. I'm going to cry because I don't like getting yelled at. Remember, I'm 16. Okay. I'm like walking up, knees knuckling. I'm like, oh, fuck. The whole bar is looking at me. Everyone's like, oh, shit. Everyone, everyone had, everyone had my managers looking at me like, oh, shit, she's going to cry.

I go up, I'm like pretending to scribble down something on a fucking pen. Like I'm pretending to scribble something down on a notepad just to give myself a few minutes to like compose myself before I have to go tell this table, run for your life. My manager comes up to me, he's like, are you okay? I was like, don't fucking talk to me.

me because you know when you're sad and then someone asks you if you're okay and then it just sets the waterworks off like why the fuck would you ask me that bitch I was okay I was gonna be okay now I'm sobbing anyway I go back up to the table and I'm like hey guys um I don't think that the kitchen is going to be safe for you to consume food out of I would really recommend that you go down the road there was another restaurant like a one minute walk away I was like the manager's really nice there the staff are really nice they'll help you out like they'll make you food that is safe for you to fucking consume

but you shouldn't eat here. You should really run for your life. And they did. They got up and they left. I said, I don't give a fuck if we just lost customers, bitch. I'm not letting them die because your chef is incompetent and mean. So I sent them on their way. Uh,

Not before they yelled at me, though, of course. Yes, they yelled at me, of course. That was horrible. And then because they were yelling at me and the chef had just yelled at me and everyone was still watching this whole interaction go down, a tear rolled down my face while I was talking to them. It was so embarrassing. And they had like a younger daughter, like she was like maybe, I don't know, like 20 something. And I remember her like turning to her mum and being like, stop, stop, stop. Like, look at this fucking guy. I'm sat there. But I don't think the mum ever noticed that I had a little tear, a little tear incident. And then, yeah, I directed them to the next restaurant.

That night, I worked really late. I probably worked till like 1am that day. And I was, bear in mind, okay, once this table left, I did go to the toilets and have a really good cry. And one of my sister's friends was on shift that day. And so they were all pretty protective over me. I think my sister's friends

because I was like their little baby sister. So she came into the bathroom and she was pissed. She was like, I'm going to make him fucking apologize, speak and treat like that. And I was just crying, you know, and it's like, I'm not even that sad. I'm having like a panic cry. Like, I don't like that this fully grown man just screamed at me in front of an entire restaurant of people. I'm just like shocked.

But I'm not like sad. I'm just like annoyed, you know? I was like sobbing in the bathroom for like five minutes. And she's like, he's gonna fucking apologize to you. I was like, babe, I really don't care. It's just like, I just let me, let me get this emotion out and then I'll be good. I worked the rest of my shift, no problems. Although I didn't go back into the kitchen for the rest of the day. I said anyone else can fucking do it, but I'm not seeing that man. So then at the end of the night, we had like a lock-in, which basically when you shut the pub doors and the staff or like friends of the staff stay behind and just drink all the bars alcohol. It was really fun. I kind of miss working in pubs just for that reason.

So we did a lock-in and then the chef came down and he was like, can I talk to you, please? And I was like, yeah, okay, fine. So he pulls me to the side. Pulls

pulls me for a chat and he's like sorry that uh you felt upset earlier i was like it's okay you know what i'm surprised you even managed to spit that sentence out and it is as close as an apology i think you've probably ever given anyone in your life so in the interest of uh bettering you as a person for the general well-being of anyone that ever has to interact with you i'm gonna say thank you i said

Chef, it's okay. Don't fucking let it happen again. That job was insane. I don't miss it. Although I low-key do. Because like all my friends weren't there. My sister worked. I miss my sister. Like she lives in fucking New Zealand now. What the fuck? Oh, everyone just used to be local. Everyone just used to live. It's so crazy to me. All my friends just used to live in the same location.

what the fuck like that doesn't happen anymore like none of my friends live near me and even my university friends that I used to live with they're everywhere else except here and it's rude okay guys you know what it has been 51 minutes by my recording I'm sure it'll be cut down a little bit but

because there were moments where I stalled but it's been way too long of me yapping I'm gonna go I actually need to go shower because it's 12 50 right now and at 2 30 I have a one-on-one pilates class and then at 7 p.m I'm taking a bar class I'm really excited folks I've never done it before I'm kind of nervous kind of kind of skilled but yeah that is it for me thank you guys for watching I love you very very much and I'll see you next week for another episode of pretty lonesome okay love you bye