Having no friends is fine
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Hello, everybody. Welcome back to Pretty Lonesome. This week, we are going to be talking about friendships and stuff, specifically having no fucking friends and being in your 20s, because I think that it is a common conundrum. Conundrum's my new word, by the way. I think I'm going to start doing word of the week.

Because I get embarrassed when I discover a new word or I remember a new word and I use it a lot. And I feel like people are going to notice and be like, did this witch just discover that word? And to me, that is just like a little bit embarrassing. I don't know why. That makes me feel like deep, deep embarrassment. Like in my soul. Well, yes, in my soul. I'm sticking with that. So I better just...

So I'm better off just being, like, upfront about it. Guys, I'm using the word conundrum a lot because I just remembered it exists. Let me have it. We'll do word of the week. I'm going to forget to do that. We might do word of the week, I'll be honest with you. We might not. Also, my dog is next to me, and I think she's about to start, like, jumping and screaming because my mum's about to walk out. So...

for context, I live at my mother's house much like most people in my age range because the economy is fucking shit. Now, I don't live at my mum's house because the economy is shit. I am lucky enough to be able to afford to move out if I wanted to. I just don't want to as a matter of principle because what the actual fuck do you mean the average rent for a one bed in London is £3,000 a month? I just won't pay that. Sorry, I'm not paying that. No. I don't know what else to tell you other than

No. The best way I can describe the feeling that that digit gives me is, um, it doesn't make me angry. It makes me malicious. Like, I want to very underhandedly and sneakily, uh, get into the personal life of a politician, um, and slowly but surely derail everything about their, uh, personal lives. That's how it makes me feel. It doesn't make me feel like, oh, it's

Ah, the rent prices. No, no, it makes me calculated and ominous. But do you know what I mean? It just makes me cold and calculated. It really does. Anyway, I have been a little bit in there. I don't mind living with my mum. I like it a lot. I would rather have my own flat, but not for that price. And I also don't really want to live in London. So I came home temporarily to just like figure out my next move and be like, well, I don't want to pay rent in London. So like...

let me just come home, live with my mum for a few months and then I'll figure out where I do want to live. That was eight months ago and I just kind of still live here because it's easier and I feel like that's a position that a lot of people in my age range are in where they can't afford to live outside of their parents' house or if they can afford it, it's at a stretch, they would rather save, they would rather just figure out where they're going rather than be working paycheck to paycheck and

just kind of get so wrapped up in the stresses of everyday life that they don't actually end up doing anything. Most of my friends, when we all finished university, moved back to where they grew up. I did it

My friends did it. Everyone did it. Unless you were offered a job straight out of university or you were going on to study another course, there was just actually no fucking point because I was not staying in Canterbury and I was not going to pay the rent in London. So, and I still am not. So I've just been home ever since. I moved out for six months. I went to London for six months. I paid an insane amount of rent. Not as insane as it is now because that's how fast the economy is actually fluctuating.

fucking burning but I was still an insane amount and I went fuck this and I ended my contract six months early and I came home and I've been here ever since and I keep meaning to make a decision about my life but I just keep

forgetting. I don't know. I think she loves having me here, but I'm also like, I feel bad because I know she loves having me here and I know she doesn't like really want to live alone, but I'm also like you're 60, sexy and so fun. Like 30, flirty and thriving, but 60, sexy and so fun. That's what I was trying to do there. If you didn't get it, I wouldn't blame you if you didn't, but I don't know. Anyways, it got me thinking about

why this is difficult. Because even though I have the access, the opportunity, and the financial ability to not be in this situation, I still am in this situation. I've chosen it, but I'm still here. And it's not ideal. Because why...

why the fuck am I sitting in the same bed that I had when I was 12 and I'm talking to the same friend I had when I was 12 except I used to talk to her about who said what in maths class and now I'm talking to her about her fucking wedding. Like it's just genuinely moments where no matter what is actually going on in your life, no matter how much you're progressing, no matter how many new people you've met, how many new opportunities you've had, how much money you've made, to sit in the same exact spot

that you have been in 10 years ago is trippy as fuck. Like, it's actually so weird. And it's also a sign that I need to get a new mattress because that's genuinely gross. But...

Anyway, I keep having these moments where every heartbreak I've ever had, ever endured, I've endured it within this house because I haven't really had that many heartbreaks, but I've had enough and they all happened here, pretty much. And the other day I was thinking about something and I was sad about it and I was on my sofa and I was staring at my fireplace and I realized I

Every single version of me that's been in this exact position has sat on this exact spot and sat at those exact bricks. I'm literally hurt right now. It was genuinely like I could feel that I had time traveled in that moment and I was like, this is not right. This is not natural. I need to move out of my mother's house now.

I was literally like, whoa, I've been here before, not just on this sofa, not just in this room. I've been exactly here before as this exact person feeling these exact emotions. To feel the same exact emotion six years after the last time you felt it and be staring at the exact same bricks on the exact same sofa in the exact same, it genuinely will make you go crazy. I was like, no, no, it's time to move out. Anyway, all

All the friends that I grew up with here, I either cut them off because they're fucking evil or they're still at university. Most of my friends have either just graduated or they haven't graduated yet. So when I come back here, there's actually no one for me to hang out with because people are either off living their lives or they're still at university. So no one's here. And so last night I was just at home doing my thing when...

One of my neighbors walked through the door and she's a girl that I grew up with. She's my sister's best friend. And we all grew up together, all living on the same street. And she walked through the door with a bottle of wine and we sat around and drank it. And she told me like she's moved home for a couple of months because she's just finished university and she's just figuring out where she's what she's going to do next. And that was the first person that has done that from my friend group.

And I realized in that moment, it's actually very lonely here because you are the only person doing this with me. Like...

back where we started with me. No one else that I know is here. It got me thinking also about how comforting that friendship is for me because she's just an old friend and I just know her and I have to think about why or how I just do and I just trust that she just knows me and it's like it's very non-judgmental it's very like look I've seen you be 14 and I've seen you be 20 like I

we're just going to be good with each other because if that didn't make me hate you, then we're good. It's just a very relaxed, because

Because a lot of the times when I make newer friends, I feel like I'm much more conscious of who they are as a person because inherently I slightly distrust them. I want to listen more closely when they speak about how they view the world or how they feel about their ex. There's all these little things that I'm looking for a telltale sign that the new person I met that I really like is crazy or is evil or is something different.

that I am not seeing. But then when you've known someone for the best part of their life, like most of the time they've been on earth and you've just watched them, you don't have to ask because I've seen you be a good person and I've seen you be genuine and I've seen everything happen to you. I've witnessed your life. Like I don't need to ask you questions.

about your ex because I actually fucking knew him and he was fucking terrible like it's just so much more relaxing I spend all my time almost all my time around new people who a lot of the time do have ulterior motives with me and I don't mind that they do but they do it's just understanding that they do whatever it's fine but it

It gets exhausting. And I just haven't been around familiarity in so long that when familiarity was in front of me, I didn't even know what it was. And I was like, why am I finding this so sweet and comforting and cozy? And I realized it's because I just trust you, completely trust you to be who I know you are because I've watched you become them. You know what I mean? And that was really nice. But then it got me thinking how scary it is to make friends in your 20s and how hard because a lot of people move home and...

And there's not much opportunity, or it doesn't feel like there is anyway, in my experience, for new friendships where you've always been. Because I've already met all the bitches my age and I already fucking hate them. You know, I've made, I know you guys and I've decided that we are not friends. That's not changing. Um, like I'm not gonna go and find that one girl from my class at school who I thought was alright just because I'm lonely. I'm just not gonna do that. Um...

So it's hard. And unless you're working a job where you just get some cool co-workers, I don't really know where else you're supposed to meet people because everyone's like, oh, pick up a hobby. Okay, I get the sentiment. But genuinely, that's not going to happen. Sorry, it's just not. I've tried to pick up hobbies. I picked up a hobby. I'll tell you what I picked up. I picked up a gym class in my small town where I grew up thinking maybe I'll meet some nice girls my age. Do you know who I met?

50 year olds. There's no one my age here. Like I don't know where they all went because I'm sure I was at school with them and suddenly they're gone. Why am I still here? This isn't fair. This is backwards. Anyways, I'm very relieved that they're gone though actually because to put it very simply, I did not like you guys. Well, not all of them. Anyway, it is hard to make friends in your 20s because you just are in less context to do it if it's not university and you don't get lucky with your co-workers.

where the fuck are you going to find people, right? And to actually find people that you're compatible with is very rare. But that's going to be a lifelong struggle. That's not exclusive to your 20s. It's just actually hard. I was lucky. I found my friend T on the street. Literally saw her crying on the street and then we became friends. It was that simple. I was just walking down Oxford Street and there she was.

picked up a stray. With Millie, I found her on Instagram when I was 13 years old. My very close friendships have come to me in very strange ways. When it comes to old friendships as well, it's also very hard to keep those intact, I think, in your 20s because 20s are so scary. First of all, you know that audio where it's like, do you know you have 30 minutes?

30. Yeah. I hate that audio because it validated everything I feel. And I didn't want it to be validated. I actually wanted someone to tell me I was crazy and that I have more than 30 minutes. And then that audio came about and I was like, now I have 20 minutes. Like the reason I think it's so fucking scary is because I have one friend who's still at uni. Get

getting drunk on the weekends and the weekdays actually and living with her friends and her boyfriend and just like is at uni. Like that's the phase of her life that she's in. I have another friend who just got married. I just went to my first wedding and I was walking into the chapel and I said to the person I was with, isn't it crazy this is the first wedding? And they were like, what do you mean? And I was like, well, this is the first one to get married. Like of everyone we knew and grew up with, this is the first one. She's done it first.

from our group of friends anyway. And she's like, oh my God, that's crazy. I was like,

Yes! Now this is a girl that I used to jump on the trampoline with. I used to... We have pictures of us in the bath together at like eight years old and we wear like t-shirts. And suddenly she is saying her vows. And then the most terrifying part. Guys, oh my fucking god. Actually, let me just freak out for one sec. So that she says her vows. And I'm looking around like, why is no one saying that they object? Like when they was like, if anyone knows why these two should not be lawfully wed. Me...

Hello, this is a child marriage and it's not legal. Why was everyone okay with it? Like, no word of advice, no are you okay, no, you know, you know, you've got, it's that you're very young, none of that. Why? Because it's a perfectly reasonable age to get married. It's not. Actually, I don't, I don't disagree that you should, can get married or make that decision at 25, that's how old my friend is. I think that's actually very fine, Nora Smith's.

some kind of age like that. I don't know. It's disputed. I love her though. But afterwards, when the wedding was done, I was stood around with some older women talking about they wanted to know what I did on Instagram.

So we're having that conversation. And innately, when I have that conversation with people older, I feel very fucking young. Because they're like, so what do you do for work? And I'm like, well, I post online. And they're like, oh, so like Instagram. And I'm like, yeah, essentially Instagram. And they're like, well, how does that make you money? And I'm like, well, you just have to imagine me like a billboard, like a talking one. And they get it. Now that...

That makes me feel like I might be 15 years old telling someone, yeah, my line of work is I just take pictures of myself and film stuff that I do. Then the bride comes and we're like, you know, oh, my fucking God, sorry. That was my grandma. She just got out of a taxi and walked past my car and literally not about to explain to her what a podcast is right now. I had to duck and hide.

That's so mean of me. Sorry. I'm going to go say hi to her in a minute. I had no idea she was coming over right now. Anyway, so I'm there feeling very youthful because I'm just trying to explain the internet to like a 60-year-old woman who knows what the internet is, by the way. But she's like, how do you, what do you mean you work as yourself on the internet? And I'm like, okay, so it's not porn. I feel that there's a big age gap between us in those moments. You know what I mean? Because there is. And...

Then the bride comes up and she, we're all complimenting her dress. And I realized no one's asking her or no one is commenting on how young she is. And now I'm not her age. So I'm just like, yeah, she's fucking old. Anyway.

anyone older than me is fucking old. I've always stood on that. I think when I was 12, a 13 year old was really fucking old. And now a 25 year old? Ew, don't, I couldn't date one. That would be illegal. Like I just, and don't even get me started on 30 year olds. I don't know what the stick up my butt about them is. Actually, let me not get into it because it's so fucking mean. I've always had a vendetta against 30 year olds and I really don't know why, but she's 25. So I'm like, yeah, okay. We're not the same age. So I'm not

Maybe I don't get it. I don't know. We're close enough. I should probably know exactly why I feel this way. Like I am close enough in age two that it's negligible. It's not like I'm fucking 16 and like, yeah, 25 is old.

No, like I'm going to be 25 in a matter of minutes, it feels. So I should probably not be thinking that she's old. But it's just the way that all these 50-year-old, 60-year-old women were not like, God, you know, so young, you know, crazy youth, crazy kids, you know, what a passionate...

marriage and you know do you think how is it going to work you're so young none of that just I love the flyers flyers were like did you make the food she catered though the bride catered the wedding herself and everyone was just talking about the food and the flyers and the flowers and the dress not the fact that she's literally 12 because she's not 12 that was where I came to in my head oh my god you're not 12.

And then I have a friend that's like almost the same age as her who's still at university. You know what I mean? And then I...

I just broke up with someone, obviously, fucking hell, in such an extreme manner. But I was like, this is fine. I'm young. Like, I'm not supposed to be fucking getting married or like knowing anything yet, you know? Although I will say, I think that that was the last bad breakup I can do. Because I think after a certain age, it does get embarrassing. Like that one was fine. I got into that relationship when I was 21. So I'm like, okay, you know, that is excusable.

I think if I did that again, because that's my third bad one, by the way, that was not a first time rodeo for me. That was my third horrendous end to a relationship or just horrendous relationship in general. So I was coming to all these realizations of one, I have 30 minutes. Two,

Two, if I wanted to get married or pregnant today, no one would ask me if I'm crazy. Oh, but no, they would, I think. Pregnancy, I think, would be... People might still be like, wow, it's very young. But marriage, for some reason, that's fine. And obviously, I know people that get married at like 20, 18 even, 16 even. Oh, I don't think I actually got that. I think it is. I think you can. They did it on Coronation Street. Sophie and Sean got married on Coronation Street when they were 16. Actually, I think they got the...

They didn't get married. That was the whole issue. They got a ceremony of something. Although they actually never did because Sian ran off. So, bit o' law if you are into Coronation Street. Anyway, crazy. So, I find it very hard to understand how old I am because I... First of all, I'm pretty sure in my head I've always been 16. I will be 16 probably...

Probably forever. So the fact that I'm just not 16 is upsetting because what do you mean? Second of all, am I supposed to be getting married or can I just like still hang out with my friends at university and go get drunk on a Wednesday? Because that's when the student union gets drunk. You know what I mean? Like, where am I? Everyone is so different and it's really, really scaring me.

Do you want to know the most upsetting thing that happened to me? I'm very used, very, I'm very used to being the youngest in a room when it comes to like the people that I work with, because I'm the one that does the fucking shit posting and they're the ones with the real jobs who, you know,

get me deals or like do my audio stuff. Like whoever it is, they're always older than me. I'm very used to being the youngest in the room. So imagine my shock and horror when one of my PR girls was younger than me. I was like, whoa, okay, when did that happen? Like, so you're telling me people my age can have jobs as good as yours. That's like, that means you've had life experience and school experience and you're very capable. Crazy.

It just keeps catching up to me where I'm like, I'm actually not 16. But I think that the fact that everyone is at different stages of their lives, some people are at square one and it feels like other people are just further down the road. And whether that be that they have like an amazing job or they're fucking married or they have a baby, whatever it is. None of my kids have babies yet, thank God. Because everyone's at such different points in their lives, it's hard to even have friendships because I might have a friend that I've had for five years, um,

And now I'm fresh out of uni at an early stage of my career and she is settling down and renting a house with a man and getting pregnant. I don't have that experience, but I imagine someone does because that can happen. It's a possibility. How confusing. Like, even if it's someone you get on with, even if it's a really, really good friend, life is just genuinely so open to choices right now. You can choose anything you want that...

people will just go off in different directions and you will lose friends not because they did anything wrong just because they got married. All of my friends are at a place in their life right now where they're just focusing on their careers and everyone's at very early stages. Most of my friends are not in jobs that they love or want to work in forever. That's just like the way it is. They are just doing things as stepping stones to get where they really want to be. A lot of people feel very discontented. I think that's the word.

And I noticed that there's more anxiety around my friends and their careers than there was two years ago when we were all still at university. Because like I've said before, university really is a time where as stressed as you are about deadlines and as stressed as you are about just everything in general, there isn't this existential stress of like, who am I? What am I going to make?

for myself for my life because I don't have to think about it right now because I'm here for the next two years right like I don't have to worry about the next step right now I just have to focus on what I'm doing and I'm content with that then once you finish it's just this panic that fucking hits you in the face I had it too because when I finished university this was not my job it was something I did it was a hobby it was really fun and cute it was not paying me any money so I well

Well, it was, but like not money that I would want to live off of forever. And I had to make a decision like, do I want to try and do this full time and just like take a year off and travel a bit, which is what I ended up doing because I wanted to go travel with Millie. Or do I not want to have a gap in my resume? What were you doing for an entire fucking year of your life? You didn't have any job.

Because I was posting on TikTok, sorry. Like if it didn't go well, I would have had a gap in my resume and that wasn't okay. There's definitely like a buzz of anxiety around my friends. And I think it's healthy because they're concerned and they like... I think it's just, it's a sign of ambition. But people are just going off in different directions. I have...

So many friends who have moved away from where we all went to university. I have friends who have moved away from home, who are still at university, who are just everywhere. And it's just hard. Also, when you move out of an environment that has become familiar to you, like university, I would go around campus and I would just see familiar faces all the time. I would see people that I knew, not necessarily liked, but I knew.

And I had flatmates and I had housemates and I had coursemates and I just knew all these faces and I just, it was familiar to me. Like everything was familiar to me. It was a world that I had been living in for long enough that I knew everything and everyone pretty much.

not everything and that is like that's actually a hard thing to lose because you just kind of lose this sense of belonging this sense of like community warmth whatever it is like it's not there anymore and it's healthy because obviously you're supposed to you know fly from the nest and whatever and go into unfamiliar waters and uncomfortable situations because that is how you grow and that is how you get a new job and that is how you become who you were meant to be but

it is uncomfortable. And I think it just contributes to everyone being really lonely in their 20s. Also, I always remember when I was like 19 to 21, I had expected for some reason during those years, because it was like early university, I expected that I was going to find my best friend in life. Because I feel like it's a common thing in like movies and stuff. And like, you just hear about it of like, I met my best friends at university. I met my kid's

aren't at university. And so I had always been like, okay, well, that's when I have to find the girl that is my soulmate platonically so that my kids can have that because that's just kind of what I expected. Like, okay, it's going to be the most social few years of my life, university, duh. And well, little did I fucking know that was not the case. But I thought it was going to be the most social few years of my life. I thought it was going to be the most open, most...

new experiences, most diversity of every kind of experience you could imagine that just you just don't usually get. And so I expected like if I'm going to find her, she's going to be at university with me. She was not. I think a lot of people know the value of friendship in this day and age. Like I genuinely think that I'm seeing a shift and maybe I'm wrong. Correct me if I am. But I feel like a lot of people are shifting in between putting more value on men and boyfriends and relationships in general to their girlfriends. I think I just see it on social media a lot.

of people really valuing their female friendships a lot more. I think that there is so much more to be acknowledged even now when it comes to how important friendships are because I think a lot of people in my age group feel lonely and their first instinct is get on Hinge, get on Tinder, like find relationship, find partner.

And I think that's actually why a lot of relationships don't fucking work because you just can't enter it like that. Like you cannot need something and so then you get a partner to fulfill it. Like you have to be self-sufficient. You have to have enough options for that need to be met that it doesn't just fall on one person. Like go out, get friends, continue your life and then find someone who fits into it. Do not find someone who you can then form a life around because that's just...

never going to fucking work. It's never going to work. But I do think that people are really like starting to acknowledge the importance of friendships, especially female friendships. But I think it's also hard just once you do find a friend, say you get past the hardest hurdle and you find a girl that you want to be friends with, you're going to have different jobs most likely. Like it's hard to find people who fit

in the same city, similar job, similar life, similar person. It's just like so many puzzle pieces have to fall into place. If they're not falling into place for you, I genuinely believe that there's a reason. And maybe you just need to spend some time by yourself. Because maybe that is just what you're supposed to do right now. I have had periods of my life where I've had no fucking friends like and it's not like, oh, I fell out with all my friends. It's like, yeah, I have friends, but

They're nowhere near me right now. They're off doing their own thing. I just don't have anyone close to me that I like.

it's really lonely and it's actually very hard. And I do look back on those times in my life as like, yeah, that was hard. But the things that I learned from those times were so valuable to me. And I just built a very, very, very strong bond with myself. Probably too strong because I think that I still to this day, I'm like very much someone who will be like, I don't need you. Like, I don't care what it is you supply for me. I don't need you. I do need you.

my friends. But like, I think I restrict information from my friends because I'm like, let me deal with this on my own. I think to prove that I can to myself, not to them. But I'm just like, yeah, let me like withhold this information from you so that I am not completely dependent on you or reliant in any way, which is dumb because I do want to rely on my friends. And I do rely on my friends a lot of the time. It's just sometimes I'm actually insane. Sorry.

Like I said, I am living at home and I'm by myself and my friend is here as well. She's just moved home. She's got me, but there's no one else really here majorly that like, actually she has probably more friends than I do. Nevermind. So as I said, I was thinking about how it is just hard to have to go out into the world, go to university and then come back home because I think so many people do it. I do it. I done it. Um,

And it is hard. It's lonely. It's difficult to readjust to being around parents. It is a little bit fucking depressing. It's mentally challenging. And it is also just...

can feel a bit hopeless. I now have the option where I can leave if I want to, I just haven't got around to it yet. But when I didn't have the option, when I couldn't afford to leave and I was here after university, it felt very, very, very dark. And as much as I love my mom and I love her house and it's always been big enough for me before, it just wasn't big enough for me anymore.

and I didn't want to feel like sound ungrateful or you know seem frustrated or tell anyone that I was frustrated because at least I have a fucking roof over my head it just felt dark and it felt lonely and it felt hopeless and it felt like what was the point I worked so hard at university and now I may as well have just not gone because I'm just in the same exact position I was in when I left four years ago and now I'm also in debt I think that position is genuinely hard and and I

And I think the main thing to remember if you are in that kind of a place is nothing's real and more people are aware you think than they will tell you, if that makes sense. I'm not going to be specific when I say this, but I'm going to share a secret with you, which is I would genuinely say that over half of...

popular people online. Not only do they not have fucking friends, it's not like, oh, they've got fake friends. A lot of people have fake friends. No. I'm talking like, these people, they do not have friends. And they do not have social lives. And they...

want they want these things but they don't have it and they just make it look like they do they don't have most of the things that they show this does not go for everyone by the way it's just something that when I first came in to the this kind of industry I started meeting these people and I started to understand this is not real

I used to feel really insecure. For example, when I first came into this kind of life and job, I remember seeing that everyone somehow could afford things I couldn't, but it seemed like they should be being paid similar to how I was being paid. And yet they had a house and a car and all these clothes and all these friends and all this, this and that. And they were always abroad and they always doing all these things. And I was like, damn, like, am I not getting paid? Like, who do I need to speak to to like, you know, get on the...

fucking salary you're on. Like, did I get a salary? But like, there was a big disconnect. And I'm not talking the difference in five or 10,000 pounds, extra money. I'm talking millions difference. And I was very confused. And one of the things I realized very quickly was most of them are nepotism. And that's why they have those things. And it's not that there's a difference. It's just they've always lived like that. That was one. Number two is not real.

And when I tell you it's not real, I mean, these bitches rent their cars, they rent their houses, and they rent their bags, and they rent their t-shirts. It's insane. And when I tell you it is deranged, it is. I respect it because I'm like, wow, you are actually just putting on a production. This is actually the Truman Show, but opposite. It's all

It's opposite day at the Truman Show. No one else knows. Only you know that this is a performance. And maybe I was dumb for not knowing that and for thinking they really had these social lives. And like, some people do. Like, don't get me wrong. There's a lot of people who do. And I am in awe of them. I'm like, wow. But a lot of the time, more than you would think and in contexts that you would be shocked about, I just can't tell you because I'm not about to actually get fucking sued. It's not real. Like, that's the bottom line. And it's easy to feel like shit about...

your life and about yourself when you are in your 20s because there's so much comparison. There is so much variation.

Either you might feel quite good about yourself because at least you're not on your seventh year of uni because you didn't retake. Maybe you feel good about yourself because you don't want to fucking get married and you feel bad for the girl that just did, that you just seen on Facebook. Or the girl who's pregnant and you're like, phew, glad that's not me. And then equally you might feel like shit about yourself because someone in your same age group is talking about their latest promotion and their LinkedIn profile is literally on fucking crack.

and they somehow have disposable income for a vacation. That's another thing. People will talk a big game about how broke they are and then they'll go on fucking vacation. That never made any sense to me. It's the same thing as at school when people will be like, yeah, I didn't study for this test. And the next thing you know, they have an A+. What do you mean?

I thought we were in this together and you just made me feel like we're the same so I should feel like shit about the fact that I'm not doing as well as you and now I realize you were lying to me and that's what your 20s are. You're just being lied to. I think 20s just are lonely for people because of the nature of them. Like jobs, people are very movable, transferable. They go to new cities, they go to new places, they go to new countries, they go home, they leave home. There's literally nowhere you're meant to be.

So you just, everyone is at a different point in their lives. It's hard to not feel like shit about it sometimes. I'm actually the same way. I see people in my age group who are rampantly more successful, more rich, more put together than I am. And I'm like, fuck, the hell? And that's fine. I'm not them. And they're not me. I just, there's no point for

feeling like shit about it because it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. And it shouldn't because your 20s are meant to be for being lost, for figuring shit out. You're very, very young. Like, I feel like that's actually forgotten a lot, especially online, because you're having conversations about being 22 with someone that's 15. And so in comparison, you feel like you're old. You're 22. I need you to sit with that for a sec. The 15 year old literally isn't allowed to

to travel alone. That's how young they are. That's a child. You're 22. The way I look at 20s, you're a toddler. So you start at zero on your 20th birthday. You just got born. If you're 22, you're two years old. You're 23, you're three years old. If you're 24, you're four years old. That's how I look at them.

Because it's literally like you start again. I don't know what it is. I genuinely felt it on my 20th birthday. I felt like my brain went blank and I started again. And you know what I was actually talking about with my friends the other day? This is how fucking stupid I am. I say that I think it's for rediscovering things that should be innate knowledge. For example, the other day, my friend was visiting me in London and she...

and I are on the same ADHD medication. And so I was asking her about it. I was like, do you get really tired at lunchtime as well? Like, I literally get so fucking exhausted at 3pm every single day. And my friend was like, yeah, I used to get that. Have you tried eating lunch? And I was like...

no, why would I do that? And she was like, well, your energy crash in the middle of the day might just mean that you need fuel, which is food. So you should probably eat and then your medication will probably last longer and you'll just feel better generally. And I was like, whoa, a meal in the middle of the day because I need extra fuel. This is revolutionary. And I decided I was going to pick up lunch. I've never...

I've never been a lunch person. It genuinely... Can I say something crazy? Lunch is yellow and 30-year-olds are lunch. They are all synonymous to me and I don't like any of them. I'm so sorry I feel 30. I genuinely have nothing against you. I don't know what it is, but it's the same way I feel about yellow. Um, we all collectively... There was actually four people in the room when we had this conversation and all of us rediscovered the fact that lunch is important together. And then my friend was like, my mum always tells me that, um...

your 20s are for remembering things that you've actually been taught your entire life. And it's so true. Because why was my friend telling me, have you tried lunch? A revolutionary piece of advice that I would have paid for. Like, that's the kind of insight that I am talking about. Yes, lunch. You're so right. Anyway, I think that your 20s are scary. They are lonely. And I think that that is not unhealthy. ♪

This one just got married and this one just kissed a girl for the first time. You know what I mean? There's no way you're meant to be. You are exactly where you're meant to be. You're not behind in your career. You're not behind because you moved home. You're not behind because you can barely afford your rent.

Or you can't afford your rent. You're exactly where you're supposed to be. I think. At all times. Throughout your life. It's your life. Someone else's. Why would you be supposed to be somewhere that you're not? I don't understand. Who told you that? Did they give you a schedule? No. Okay then. Relax. And if you feel like you have no fucking friends. Don't worry about it. Because. I'll tell you what. I don't have any fucking friends. I have two. Maybe three at a push. I have.

Actually, I'm lying. I have two amazing friends who live nowhere near me. Actually, I have three amazing friends who live nowhere near me because Millie doesn't live anywhere near me. I have three amazing friends who live nowhere near me. And I love that I have them in my life. I just never see them and I rarely speak to them. I know they're always there. And then I have...

a friend who does live very near me and I see her all the time and she's like my person. That's my roster entirely, there's nothing else. I have a lot of acquaintances and stuff but those are my friends. And I'm someone who has literally probably every possibility to make a new friend.

I could genuinely... I think I'm in a unique position where if I wanted a new friend, I could probably find one the same day. Like, if I really put my back into it, you know what I mean? Like, I could probably find someone that... Like, there's so much scope. Even just, like, I get invited to a lot of places. Okay, perfect. Like, I'll make a friend there. It's not because you're unlikable or it's not because you're... It's hard. It's because it just is hard to make friends. They are as serious as romantic relationships and you wouldn't ever expect...

someone to have a romantic... You wouldn't expect someone to have a romantic relationship, but you would expect them to have a friend. Why? What's the difference? Like, it's just as intense for me. Anyway, a lot of the time. I know they're different, but it should not be an expectation at all points in your life to be surrounded by friends. Because sometimes you won't be. That's okay. You'll be fine. Because they'll find you at some point. They're out there right now. They're becoming the people that they need to be so that when you meet them, you like them. That's always what I think. I'm like...

you know how I think about that actually I always think about that in the context of my future husband or wife because obviously I don't know who they are right now but I know that they're out there somewhere and I'm like what are you doing freak you better not be fucking freaking out with someone else it's disgusting but it's like

I know that if I met that person today, whoever I'm eventually going to marry, I probably wouldn't like them very much unless I'm meant to meet them today. But I probably more than likely would not like them very much because they are not who I'm going to meet yet. They're not the version of themselves that will collide with my life. And there's a reason that I haven't met them yet because I would meet them and I think you fucking suck or you don't intrigue me or you're not my type because maybe my type is going to change. There's always a reason. I don't know you yet. And I'm glad I don't.

Because they probably have some shit to sort out. Because I'm definitely not going to date one of those freaks that's like, I actually have a very consistent linear life. And I feel like I've always been this person. No, I'm going to date someone that's like, well, I have had seven different eras. And I can only access knowledge about three of them through hypnotherapy. That will be who I marry. So I hope they're okay right now. I hope they're having a good morning. Because they're probably not. I'm not going to lie. Because I'm not getting married until I'm like 60. So, no.

Oh, they could be doing anything. It's actually a crazy thought. Well, now I will be driving to London because I'm going to go and cat sit for my friend T. She's going to Geneva, so that's fun. And, and, little ADHD medication update, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist this morning and

And she had upped my dose last time to 40 milligrams of my medication. And then she'd given me a booster to take in the afternoon because I kept crashing. And crash is basically like, imagine like an actual calm down. I was angry, irritated, exhausted.

all by 3pm because the medication wore off before it was meant to so she gave me a booster. So I started taking that and I was like eh, it's okay. I don't crash anymore which is nice but I don't think I'm focused. I think I'm just slightly more regulated? Like I just, I'm not, I'm just a little more rational. That's the best way I can describe it. Life is okay and I'm not freaking out majorly about anything. Which is

Very unusual for me. So I was like, okay, I know it's working. I just, it's not making me do my work. It's not making me sit at my computer and focus for an hour, which is what I need it for. Like, I don't mind being a crazy bitch. Actually, I do. Because I didn't realize I was that crazy until I got on this medication and it just like, and I was like, oh, that's nice. That's nice. Life, my existence doesn't have to be a horrendous bloody mess.

fight crazy but I told her like I don't really feel that focus though and she was like okay well I'll just like up you way more she's like since this didn't work I'm gonna make you try make you try she's now given me the dose up and then double dose in the afternoon so I'm gonna take more in the morning and then the booster that she's gonna give me is more akin to a rocket ship up my butthole imagine that um

And I get to try it today for the first time. I'm literally so scared. Because I have to drive to London. So I'm like, I'm not going to fucking drive this and then go driving. Because actually, I don't think that that's legal. I'm not sure. But I'm obviously just not going to try any medication and then get behind a wheel. That would be silly. So...

I'm going to go to London and then the second that I park my car in London, I'm going to try the new medication that she put me on. And I'm really hopeful that it's going to work this time because I'm getting a little bit scared that the dose keeps going up and I just still am fucking useless. The best way I can describe it. I'm still completely incapable of getting shit done. Not completely, but effectively capeless. Capeless? Capeless?

I'm really hoping that this new dose is going to work because I'm getting scared. I'm like, because I Googled it and it was like some people's body chemistry literally just does not work with this pill. It just won't help them. That scared me. There's another type of medication I can try if this one doesn't work. And a lot of people find that only one of them works for them rather than having them both be like, oh yeah, I could take either. It's like, no, I prefer this one over this one. So if this one doesn't work, I will try the second option. I'm just skilled and I really hope that it works.

Because all it keeps doing is making me feel like I've had caffeine. Like, I get a burst of energy and, like, jitters almost. But, like, that does not make me focus. It just kind of makes me want to go somewhere? Like, it makes me want to maybe have a conversation. But that's it. So...

Anyway, my dog is actually sleeping next to me right now and she's just fucking ripped ass. It stinks. Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. I hope that you enjoyed it. I'm going to go drive to London now and then potentially I'm going to go try my new medication and then I'll let you guys know what it does because it's a significantly larger amount than I was on before. So...

If I start posting things on my Instagram story that just make you feel like slightly uncomfortable, like did she mean to post that? That's how you know it worked. See you guys next week. I love you so much. Have a good week. Bye.