Desperately Begging for Friends
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Good morning, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of Pretty Lonesome. Today I'm here, I have my coffee and my microphone and we're going to have a good time. So I genuinely have to be upfront and honest with you. The first thing in this podcast is that I have to say I literally have not gone out of this house...

in about a week and a half. I have been back and forth to my Pilates classes and that is it. So unfortunately, that means I've had a lot of time to stew on my ideas and I have a lot to say because I haven't spoke to anybody, okay? I've been going to Alo, which every time I get invited to Alo, I'm like shocked. I go like twice a week and

I didn't last week. I didn't go to all last week because I was being fucking lazy. But I go on average, I'd say like I've been going twice a week. And I'm just like surprised every time they even let me come back because I'm like, it just seems like an honor, you know? Like they don't let anybody go to Alo. It's like, I don't know. Like I walk, it's just the most surprising thing to me that I'm invited. Like I walk in.

And I see some random fucking celebrity that I'm like secretly in love with. And you just have to play it off because it's like they've invited you here because they expect that you're going to behave like a normal person and not, you know, freak out. Me, I'm freaking out. I am from Sussex. Okay. I've never seen a famous person in my life. Don't tell anyone that. But like, I've never seen a famous person up close in the flesh.

until recently you know so I'm like I walk in I'm like oh play it cool play it cool play it cool but like to me also everyone is famous like wait let me put my hoodie up I'm sorry I had to put my hoodie up because I was getting the ick for myself and it's just one of those days where I just look gross and I have to deal with it but now the lighting is bad if I do that is that okay not really whatever shut up so I've been going to Aloe and I've been freaking the fuck out about it so I

I have to clear the air on something, okay? I am going to go to Coachella this year and this is what I'm gonna talk about. I have never given a fuck about Coachella in my life. Like it doesn't, the idea of it, completely unappealing to me. The types of things I hear, the stories that come out of Coachella, yeah, not my vibe. I hate walking far. I hate when my feet hurt. I hate when my back hurts. I hate extreme heat. I hate being away from anywhere that I can like sit down and like be on my phone.

I hate drunk people. I hate loud people. I hate most things that pertain to Coachella. Not for me. I don't even enjoy live music. I enjoy live music when it's like someone I've listened to for like 15, 20 years and I'm like going to their concert, but I'm going

to be so fucking honest. I've never not been bored at a concert. Okay. So like the only concert I've probably ever not been bored at was when I went to see Passenger live in London and he was playing a church and everyone was seated in the pews. I think that was a holy experience. I think it changed me for the better. But not only did I see Passenger perform, Ed Sheeran was there. And if you guys have been following me, you know how I fucking feel about Ed Sheeran and Ed Sheeran. Okay. And Passenger are the only two men that

who I have consistently listened to throughout my life. I have one panic attack playlist that for some reason can calm me down during a panic attack. I have four songs on that playlist and the songs have not changed since 2016 when I made the playlist and I listened to it, I would say 50 times a week. And I wish I was kidding, but like,

If I even get a little bit anxious, I'll just put that playlist on. And I don't know what it is about the songs. I think I've like Pavlov myself into hearing them and knowing everything is going to be okay. And it's Small Bump by Ed Sheeran. And then there are two songs in it by Passenger and one by Justin Bieber. I apologize. But like, it's not like the finest playlist I've ever made, but like it works. And I don't know why it works, but it does. And so...

So I have formed extreme parasocial bonds to these men, like extreme. And I love them. Anxiety playlist aside, I listen to all of their music as well. Like I love these guys and they're not very representative of the rest of my music taste. Like I don't listen to a lot of people that sound like them. They are of their own ilk to me.

So imagine my surprise when I go to my first Passenger concert. I'm seeing this man who has borderline raised me since I was 16 and I walk in and there's Ed Sheeran, my other father, okay? I'm like about to shit my fucking pants and then Ed Sheeran says that he's gonna get on stage and sing with Passenger. I nearly lost my mind. There are videos of me at that concert. Maybe I'll put one in the corner. I looked like I had taken something because my face was morphed like this.

The whole time. I was so fucking happy. I had not taken anything because I never do. But I had had like half a glass, half a bottle, half a glass, half a bottle of wine. And I can't drink wine because it makes me, I don't know what it does to me, but it morphs me into some kind of fucking creature. Like I become the most profound, emotional, in love, heartbroken person.

And I genuinely think everyone is on my wavelength. When I have wine, it's like I don't comprehend anymore that other people are not feeling what I'm feeling. So if I'm feeling profound and I've had a glass of wine, everyone is going to fucking hear about it because I think they want to. How many times have I done that, woken up, regretted it and said, I'll never do that again. And then I have a glass of wine and my brain is like, no, they definitely want to hear about this right now. Bitch, no, they don't.

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So recently I've had to make the switch to tequila because I just can't be doing that to myself socially. Like it got to the point where like it was kind of fine in London because I was always just like drinking in small circles with my friends. And then I came to LA and I started to kind of go out my depth a little bit and be in rooms with people that I don't know and not just going out with my friends and like meeting a lot of new people. Yeah, I can't be giving them an earful about how, like about the poem I've written about getting my fucking heart broken 15 years ago. Like, come on.

get a fucking grip. So I had to switch to tequila because it makes me just a load of fun. I'm just, I'm just a good time. You know what I mean? Like I'm up for anything. I'm not emotional. I'm just like drunk and happy. And also I don't get hung over when I drink tequila. It's crazy. Like I genuinely like a week ago or two weeks ago, I went out to this like little event and I didn't expect that I was going to like have more than one drink when I was there.

Anyway, somehow I'm like five tequila limes down. Okay. And I am in a hot tub and I don't know anybody there. Okay. They're all, I'm not

I'm not going to say significantly older than me because that's rude, but they were like not my age group. You know what I mean? I am talking their fucking ears off. I'm giving this one lady, this poor lady, my life story. Like, I'm not kidding you. In a hot tub in LA. Who is she? I don't leave my house. Like, that is so far out of my character. I can't even tell you. Tequila? It just gets me going. I don't know what it is. So I'd had like maybe like...

five or six shots worth throughout different drinks, right? Not a crazy amount, but like enough, right? I get home, I'm off my face. Like I didn't even realize I was that drunk until I got home and I was like, oh my God, I feel terrible. Like I can't see anything.

I stumble into my bed, fall asleep. Did I wake up in the middle of the night shaking, needing a drink, thinking I'm going to throw up? No. I slept through the night like a baby and I woke up almost right as rain. If I had drunk five glasses of wine, you wouldn't see me for three days. And I would have woken up every hour of the night shaking, hot but cold. I think I'm like borderline allergic to wine. But tequila is my friend. Tequila keeps me relatively safe.

You know what I mean? But also it makes me feel less drunk. Like when I drink wine, my head is like, woo, woo. And I'm like, I know I'm fucking drunk right now. But then I drink tequila and I'm just having loads of fun and I'm confident and I have loads of energy. But I don't think that I'm drunk in the same way. I feel like when you have a drink that is your drink, like that me with wine for the last five years, like I've exclusively been a wine drinker. You know your limits and you know that you're drunk. But with this tequila that I've just discovered, everyone is like laughing at me because it's

It's like I'm some kind of rampant teenager that's like, yeah, I've just discovered alcohol. Because I remember the first time I ever drank tequila, I was like 18. And I did a shot and I was already drunk when I did this shot. Don't know what I've been drinking, probably wine. And then someone gave me a tequila shot and I was young and stupid. So I just took it. Bitch, I genuinely nearly passed away that night. Like I was not okay. And I made actually a pretty big mistake.

faux pas that night I would say I made a pretty big error in judgment with somebody that I took home and so I have always thought back to how insanely dumb that was of me and just like

are you trying to die? Like, why did you go home with this person? And just like, it was so dumb and like everything turned out fine. But I was like, that was just such a stupid decision that I made. And I always put it down to the tequila. And I have never, I never touched it again. I was like, I'm never touching tequila again. That was the most drunk I've ever been. And I did something that I shouldn't have done. And I just was an idiot. So I'm never going to touch that drink again because I think that was what made me so stupid. And I, and I just never touched it again. Same way I don't touch weed because I tried it once

and everything went incredibly badly. And so I just never went back.

until one day someone handed me a margarita and had the best fucking night of my life and it was delicious and I had no hangover the next day so I was like right this is this is what I'm doing now and I also think it's because I haven't drank any of it before like I've never my body like doesn't know what tequila is right because like when I was started drinking as a teenager like vodka everyone in the UK is vodka like you just get vodka I don't know why you just drink it like straight from the fucking bottle and or like uh

cheap glass or a cheap bottle of wine, but I was a vodka girl in my early days. And now to this day, I can't drink vodka. I can't even have a mixer. It literally makes me sick immediately. I cannot touch it.

Because my body is like no fucking way I know what this is get it out and then tequila and me we've been getting on really good really good but I am concerned what it means for like my social life in a way because I'm like it makes me a person that I don't recognize like it makes me someone that I would be nervous to even become friends with because she's confident.

And she's like, it's like me without the ailments. It's great. I love it. Like, I'm not too emotional. I'm awake. I'm energetic. I'm confident. I'm happy. It's like me if I could just get my head out my fucking ass. I wish I was like that during the day. You know what I mean? Anyway, my original point was that I'm going to Coachella this year, which is true. I am going to Coachella this year. I am...

Didn't ever think that I would go because like I said, I hate everything about it and I don't even enjoy live music. I get bored at everybody's concerts except Passenger and Ed Sheeran. I didn't get bored for one single second. It's just not my thing. It's just not. But I've been in LA for like a month now and I don't have a single fucking friend. And I know that sounds like really tragic, but it's, well, it is really tragic. I do have a couple like friends, like people that I'm like friendly with, but like no one that I can just call up and hang out with, which is...

honestly so lonely and like I haven't been trying to meet people like I haven't really gone out of my way to meet anyone because also like I don't even know how what am I gonna do go to the fucking club no like I don't it's hard like what do I don't want to message people that's my problem like I don't want to be like hey

hang out? Like, I know we've never met and never spoken, but we follow each other. Do you want to get coffee? Like, to be fair, I did do it with one person. Well, she messaged me, Avia, and she was like, hey, do you want to get lunch sometime or something? And I was like, yes, yes, I do. So we've become friends, but I can't bother her every day of the week to hang out with me. You

And I was not going to go to Coachella because I never go to Coachella because it just doesn't seem like my thing. And why would I go? You know, like it's such an American thing and I don't even go to British festivals. Like, I don't know. It just felt wrong. It just felt wrong. And I felt like the people who watched me from the UK would be like, what the fuck is she doing? You know what I mean? So I just never even considered it. I was like, no, I don't want to go. But then I was like, you know what? It would be a really good place to make friends. Like a lot of people from LA obviously go

And a lot of people, you'll just meet people and you'll just be in rooms with people that maybe you will find that you like. And so honestly, that is my main agenda to go to Coachella and make a fucking friend. Have you ever heard anything more tragic in your life? I'm literally there scouting for a friend. Please, someone, if you see this, I'm begging you.

I'm begging you be my friend. Like I need some girlies in LA, like really bad. And so I was like, okay, I'm not the most social person. Like you kind of have to force me to go to a party. Like once I'm there, I enjoy it, but you do kind of have to coax me out the house for it. So I was like, okay, who is the most social person that I know? My best friend, Millie. So I text her

Hey, babe, I know you work a nine to five in Manchester, but how about we just, you know, fuck that off and go to Palm Springs for a week? And because she's the best person in the entire world, she said, yeah, of course. She said, count me the fuck in. She said, sign me the fuck up. I said, OK, so we're going. I love her so much. She is up for anything. She is so adventurous. She is one of those girls.

who you can just put into a room with virtually anyone and she will make a friend. She'll make multiples. She'll make like 10. And it's just so not in my blood to be like that. But she is effortless. She's like, she, if she met Brooke Schofield, sorry, I'm like talking about Brooke Schofield every fucking way because I'm in love with her. But they've got a similar energy of just like the sweetest people on earth.

But also like kind of outgoing and just like funny and just like everyone likes them unless it's like a mean, nasty girl. Because me and Millie, let me fucking tell you one time I take her on like a lot of like, like, like work trips with me, like works the wrong word, but like, I took her with me. And except for one time.

Everyone gets on with Millie unless they are like mean. Like there's actually nothing else. Like I don't take excuses. Like you don't have to love her. You don't have to want to like hang out with her all the time. But she's one of those girls. And like if you just dislike her, something's wrong with you. You know what I mean? Like she is the sweetest soul in the entire world. And she's so non-threatening and not overbearing because there's some people that are like so nice.

And then you're like, oh, you're fucking insane. Like, why are you so nice? You're like controlling this room with your people pleasing. And I hate it. And a lot of people will love them. And I'm in the corner like there's something wrong with you. And I know that a lot of people will know what I'm talking about with that. But like Millie is just the perfect level of just lovely and just so genuine. And there was one time I took her on a trip with me. Okay. And on this trip, we're in another country.

And we go to the event that we were there for. And I start talking to a couple people. And they're being so lovely to me. Genuinely nice, okay? I introduce them to Millie. Crickets, right? And then for the rest of the night, these girls kept speaking to me and ignoring her. And it was to the extent that she would chime in on the conversation.

And they would just look at her and then say something to me. I've never experienced anything like it in my life. And I was like, oh my fucking God. And then this girl came up to me and she was like, you should just be really careful like who you're friends with because like a lot of people are going to want to use you now. And I was like, are you talking about my best friend since I was 12 years old? Because I hope the fuck you're not. Do you know what I mean? Like it was so weird. Like they didn't even give her a chance.

And it made me mad. And I was like, I appreciate the sentiment of like, be careful because I do come off very, very naive. I know that. Like I honestly, sometimes I kind of play on it because I feel like then people are less tricky with me. They're less trickstery with me if they think I'm a bit of a ditz. So like I kind of get it when people are like, oh, be careful or watch your back. But it wasn't said like that. It was said like, we don't like your friend and we've judged her, but we don't actually know anything about her. It made me so mad. I've never got over it.

I've just, ew, I hate when that happens. I've never got over it. So it really hurt my feelings for her. I was like, what the fuck, bitch? That's my bestie. Like, shut the fuck up. I ordered this coffee with coconut milk because I was trying to be healthy and it's the most foul coffee.

disgusting. I really want to drink it because I really want the caffeine and it was $7. But I don't want to, I don't think I can. I think I'd throw up. Anyway, so I'm really excited to go to Coachella and try and just meet some people and just like get out in the world a little bit more because I am very withdrawn. I'm very withdrawn. Like,

I didn't even think it was an issue until recently. But now I do think it's an issue. I genuinely think it's doing me more harm than good, the amount in which I am by myself all the fucking time. And I want friends. Like, I also, like, I met this girl in London about...

about a year ago. And she became so special to me so quickly. And we lived like five minutes away from each other. And we started hanging out every single day, talking every single day. And like, we would laugh for hours. Like I would feel nauseous the amount that me and this girl would laugh. And I love her so much. But now that I'm in LA, I'm not with her all the time because she still lives in London. And I'm like, I want that aspect of my life back. Like

My friendship with her transformed my life. And I'm going to say something fucking tragic now. I've never had a friend who lives near me before. Like Millie, my best friend who's coming to Coachella with me, she lives in fucking Manchester. And the... I can't believe I'm saying this on the internet. The way we met when we were 12 was we were internet friends. But we became internet friends and then really quickly we realized we live like only like three hours drive from each other. And I was taking a trip to Manchester with my mom. And I said to her...

can we stop and see my friend Millie? She was like, what? You're what? Like who? How do you know this girl? I was like, don't worry about it, bitch. Just like, let me see her. And so we met up, our parents came with us and we met up in a Costa coffee. It was very romantic. And,

And we have been friends ever since. And most of our lives, we have never lived near each other. I make the effort to go up and visit her a couple times a year. And she does the same. She comes to visit me a couple times a year. And we've traveled together. We got a van in New Zealand and traveled New Zealand for three months.

and we've taken trips to America, we've taken trips to Paris, we've gone all sorts of places together, but we've never lived near each other. Isn't that crazy? But she's my best friend. She knows me through and through. I genuinely would not be who I am without her. She has guided me through so much of my life, and she knows me better than anybody, but I've never lived near her. And so that's been like a gaping hole in my life for a really long time. And I, at university, didn't have very good friendships. And like, yeah, I lived with a couple of my friends,

but everyone was so depressed where I went to university that it was just like not the same. Also, my two best friends at university were both boys. So that's kind of a difference as well. I mean, they are the best boys I know, but they were still kind of just boys and they are the best boys that I know. But still, it's like not quite the same. I've never had a best girlfriend who lives near me, who is a part of my physical life all the time.

And so for the first time when I moved to London, I had that. And I met this girl. She lived so close to me. She would get a fucking line bike and cycle down to my flat. And we just had so much fun in the time that we got to live near each other. And we took trips too. Like we've been to New York together a couple times and we've just had fun.

fun like she's so precious to me and she has been like the highlight of my life for the last like year we've only really been super like close I'd say for like six months though we met like two years ago and then like never really took it anywhere and like we were like friends but like

not like friends and then and then one day she like DM me something on Instagram and we just went from that like every day talking and it literally changed like big elements of my life having someone that is close to me that is like that good of a friend it's so it's so different and it's like important I think

This episode is brought to you by Mejuri. You know, I had a thought the other day. Since Rwanda jewelry becomes something we only bought on special occasions, Mejuri approaches fine jewelry a little bit differently. Each one of their pieces is handcrafted by jewelers committed to quality craftsmanship as well as ethical and sustainable jewelry production. Created by women for women, Mejuri is breaking down barriers in what has long been an exclusive and occasional category of men buying for women.

In 2020, the brand launched the Mejuri Empowerment Fund in support of higher education for underrepresented women and non-binary individuals. Because fine jewelry doesn't have to cost the world, feel good about your jewelry in more ways than one. Start stacking your favorites, shop online, or visit the website to find a store near you. So I'm like feeling the loss of that, being in LA without her, but also without really anybody. I'm like, oh my god, my life has gone from like so fun and finally having these good strong friendships to

to like nothing. And also I had a couple other friends in London who live super near me, like Daniel Rhodes on TikTok. Like I met him when I was traveling New Zealand with my friend Millie. And then he moved to London after that with all of his friends from New Zealand. And he lived like 10 minutes from me. And then my other friend, she lived like five minutes from me. And we just had this good little, and I had a relationship who was at the time like in London a lot. And my mom would come up and visit me. And I just had this really rich life for a minute. Like

just such a good life and I have my dog and now I've kind of been like torn away from it and I tore myself away from it and

by coming here but like it i'm really feeling it like i'm feeling how lonely i am and it hurts like i bro i'm fucking lonely hello oh my god i just want someone to like hang out with and like i don't know i'm gonna have to force someone can you guys do me a fucking favor and clip videos from this podcast me being like i'm lonely help and post them on tiktok so someone will be like oh my god poor madeline and be my fucking friend genuinely begging this is the most desperate i've ever been i'm also nervous for coachella though

Because tomorrow I have a session with a personal trainer. I'm trying to get fit for Coachella. I'm not even kidding you guys though. I was doing Alo the other day and the instructor like will take little video clips of us as we're doing it so we can like see what we look like and like post it. And I was looking back and I was like, damn, why do I kind of have abs? Like not abs, but like, you know, the lines that go down the side of your stomach, like I'm developing them. I've never had them before. I've always had the like starter pack abs because I'm like naturally thin. So I can always like see the muscles like under my stomach and

But like everyone has that, but like I now I'm developing like beginner apps. No, that's kind of cool. I have a bone to pick about Jojo Siwa actually. Why is everyone having a go at her for cutting someone off in traffic? There's a video of her and it has millions of likes and hundreds of thousands of fucking comments.

about how she cut this person off because she went in front of them at a red light. Like she was in this lane over here and then she crossed in front of a car in the next lane and then went across three lanes of traffic to make a turn over here. This bothers me for a few reasons. One, the car that she went in front of was already stopped at a red light and I could imagine that she had been indicating and no one had let her in. So she put her nose in front of the car to tell them, hey, I'm going to come through this space.

when the car in front of you moves off to cut into the next lane, which you have to do sometimes because no one in LA lets you in. Like, I don't know what it's about, but like I have a hard time merging into any lane in LA. Like everyone says you cut them off. Like, no, I just have to change lanes. I'm going somewhere else. Like, as long as I don't make you hit your brakes-

then surely it's fine like that's just called merging it's legal um it's literally how you're supposed to drive but I get that it's kind of annoying because she like went in front of the car but you were at a red light anyway do you know what I mean and then she went across three lanes of traffic and everyone in the comments like three lanes is crazy why like there was no cars coming but

Like if she made another car have to slow down or like smack on their brakes because she got in front of them. Yeah, that's wrong. But like the lanes were empty and she just like cut across them to make a turn. Otherwise she would have missed her turn. Can someone tell me why that's wrong? Everyone is like going crazy about it. I'm like, what the fuck? She maneuvered safely with time and space to do so. What is so crazy about that? Please tell me. Like in the UK, it's very common. Like if you put your indicator on,

say you want to get into a lane where there's like traffic and you're going down like an empty lane and you put your indicator on someone will hold back to let you into a space no one here does that like it's i don't know like obviously i did my driver test in the uk so like

Probably got different traffic rules, but I would assume that that's the same because I'm starting to think I'm fucking crazy or something But no one lets you in I guess it's like a it's a eat or get eaten city out here But like come on, let me in. I'm just a little girl trying to fucking merge and just so is Jojo Siwa Okay, she's just a little girl trying to merge and despite her best efforts to make us believe that she's a bad girl She's not seriously people give her a break. She doesn't want a break. I know she wants to be bad. I

She's so scary. Mostly for Coachella, I'm excited because I've gotten a couple really good outfits for it.

And I'm going with guests. So I'll be wearing some guest clothing, but I've also gone out of my way to get some of my own clothing, which I'm really excited for. But I will tell you what I'm sad about. I thought I was coming to LA for one week and that was a month ago or maybe even more than that now. And so I only brought one suitcase, a couple of clothes, and I left most of my shoes at home. I'm here with a pair of Birkenstocks and one pair of trainers. Like that's it.

and I also left all my cute bags and purses at home. I know this is probably not the biggest issue in the world right now, but I'm just annoyed because I'm like, damn, I could be so cute, and I left all my good shoes. Like, I don't have one pair of my Adidas, like, what are those shoes called? Speziales? I never know how you say it, but I left all of those at home. I have indigestion. Fuck. Oh my god.

If anyone gives a fuck, my facial is going really well. Look, my acne is almost completely cleared up. There's a little... These ones, the red dots. The red dots that you can see are like scars. Like they're not like out of my skin. So if I did like a high coverage foundation, you wouldn't be able to like see them. They're not like bumpy. I don't have, other than this tiny little one by my mouth, I don't have any bumps on my skin right now. Which is an insane thing to be able to say given like one week ago I was...

my entire lower my face was basically covered in spots. I don't know what kind of witchcraft this lady is fucking doing, but she is something else. And I'm really excited. Once we can get past the acne, I think she can make me actually look great, like glowy and fresh and whatever else the fuck facialists do. But my main concern was just get this acne off my face. Like I can't deal with it. And she did very quickly. And I'm amazed. I'm like,

because she said to me when I went in, I don't know if this is going to work for you because I think the issue is bigger than I thought it was for you. So I'm going to try my theory, but I think maybe you might need to go to the doctor and get a prescription. And I was like, oh my God, that's like the worst thing to hear because I just don't want to fuck with my hormones internally. Like I have PCOS. Like everyone in my comments on TikTok when I was talking about my acne was like, you probably have hormonal imbalances, babe. You should get it checked.

You know fucking shit. Do you actually think I'm stupid? Do you think I see myself covered in acne and don't for a second think maybe my hormones are imbalanced? Duh, bitch. What the fuck? When I first broke out as an adult, I went to a doctor and I was like, I'm breaking out and I don't know why because I never really have acne. So I think something is wrong with my hormones. I'm also getting excruciating periods.

And like to the point where I can't leave the house on the first day of my period because I will faint. Like I'm in pain. This isn't normal for me. What's going on? And so he did all the tests and he was like, you have PCOS, which basically means that I have like cysts on my ovaries and that I have cancer.

you can have a hormonal imbalance with it. You see some women with one end of the spectrum on PCOS, so very severe, whereas like they'll grow facial hair and have like more masculine features like facial hair and excess body hair and other things. And then you have women like me who have a smaller imbalance, but there's still an imbalance, which means I get things like acne more easily and my periods are extremely, extremely painful.

So it can vary. A lot of women actually do have PCOS. I think it's something like one in five have it, but not all of those women know that they have it. But if you were to like scan one in five women, you'd find it. That's like the prediction, I think.

And so when I went to my doctor and I was like, what the fuck is happening to my body? Like I never had painful periods as a teenager. Like they would hurt. Like I'd get like those dull cramps and like I'd always shit my pants. But like I wasn't in like horrendous pain or anything. Like I was uncomfortable, but I wasn't in like pain. And then one day when I was 21, I was on my period and I...

I literally buckled over in pain from like, it felt like I was being stabbed on the inside. And it was like my first cramp of the period, right? Like I was just coming on. First cramp hits, I'm like in agony. And I was like, what the fuck is happening? And every single period after that has been the same for me to the point I can't leave my house on the first two days of my period because I will pass out in the street. Like if a cramp hits me and I'm not sat down,

I will scream. And it's horrible. And like, I don't know what this is. Like, I don't know the science behind it, but you guys know the butthole cramps? Okay, I get those to a level that is deranged. And I used to live... So right before I started doing social media, I was extremely, extremely broke. And I was living as a lodger, which I don't know if everyone uses the word lodger, like in America, but it's basically...

Like, you're living in someone's house and you just rent a room in a house. So I was living with a family and I was renting their spare bedroom out. And I loved the family. They were so sweet. They were so good to me. But I would get my periods. And this was during the phase where this all started for me. And I was in so much pain and I didn't know how to deal with it. I would go to the bathroom on my period. And I would get a butthole cramp so fucking bad that I would literally...

And I was so embarrassed. I'd be like, like literally in agony, screaming into like a muffled up t-shirt so that they didn't fucking hear me. And I thought I was going to pass out and die on that bathroom floor. And so it got to a point one month I drove home to my mother's house.

to have my period in peace because I was unable to stand up and I wanted to like crawl on all fours to get to the bathroom because standing up was impossible for me. And I was like, I don't want to be crawling through this fucking family home that isn't my family. Like that's so weird. Like who is this random girl in our house on all fours screaming? So I remember one month when I was still so like confused and

I went home when I was expecting my period just so that I could have my mom take care of me and, like...

crawl around and just like be in agony out loud so yes I do have PCOS it is extremely painful and I do have a hormonal imbalance because of it the reason I'm saying this is when it comes to treating my acne I have a few options I there is medication that you can go on when you have PCOS that can change your hormones basically do something with the testosterone I don't know the science behind it but it can like change the symptoms and I don't know lessen the issues

I don't know how it works. I don't know if it gets through the testosterone. I don't know what it does. But I just thought, I just don't want to fuck with that. Like, I just feel like that would cause me issues. And like, be it depression, be it way worse anxiety, be it nightmares, be it actually way worse acne and way worse pain. I was like, I don't know what that's going to do. Be it fucking cancer. I don't want to fuck with my hormones like that. Like, this just sounds like it's going to be more trouble than it's worth.

I am already on the only contraceptive pill that is known to help with PCOS. There is one pill that is known to help with it. And I don't know why it helps with it, but it does. And luckily for me, it's the one that I've already been on all these years since I was 15. So he was like, you're already kind of doing the right thing. So unless you want to like really go down like an aggressive route with this pill, I would...

just like deal with the acne if you can because it might be better than what would happen to your body if you tried to fuck with your hormones to the extent that the pill that I'm trying to put you on would and I was like okay great so I chose not to try the medication I've also like never heard anyone talk about going on it or what it is or how it feels and I was just like you know what I'm not going to be the fucking first so I

I just like sought out facials and skin experts and I never found anyone that could help me. And then I found the lady who has cleared my skin in literally one week and I don't know how the fuck she's done it. But everyone was like, mate, you have a hormonal imbalance. You have to fix it from the inside. Yes, I have a fucking hormonal imbalance, but it's not because I'm eating bad or like doing drugs. It's because I have PCOS and I don't want to do the extreme measures to fix that. Like I'd rather just...

treat it via my skin and whatever she's doing is working so I am just gonna stay with that for as long as I can and if the acne comes back maybe I will try ingesting something that's gonna fuck with my hormones even more than they're already fucked with but I would just rather not

I just don't think enough love or care goes into the hormones that we give women to take. And I just think I don't want to be more of an active participant than I already have to be through taking a contraceptive pill. Like, I just don't think enough research is put into those kinds of pills for women. I don't trust them. I don't trust that they know what's going to happen to me if I take it long term. I don't trust that they're not telling me the full range of symptoms that I'm going to get from it. Like, I don't.

want it in my body. If it was a pill that they made for men, I'd be like, give it, give it me now.

But to surmise, I need some fucking friends. So I'm going to Coachella. And I'm not going to lie to you. I have the cutest pair of trousers that I'm going to wear. And I swear to God, I am not telling you where I got them from. I'm going to gatekeep them. I'm going to gatekeep them because they're so cute. And I like, I'm dying to post them. But then I'm like, I don't want to post them before Coachella because I want the outfit to look fresh. So I'll tell you guys, I'll stop gatekeeping after. But that just trust me. They're so fucking cute.

And I got a... I'm not even proud to say this, but I spent...

a thousand dollars at Aritzia I've never shopped at Aritzia before in my life because it's only in the US and they probably delivered to the UK but I just like have never bothered looking and I've always heard about it through like American YouTubers but I just like didn't give a fuck and then I was on TikTok and I was scrolling and this girl was in the best hoodie I've ever seen and I was like well second maybe to this one that I got on Depop a few weeks ago but I saw her in this hoodie and I was like

I'm going to need to know where that's from. So I open the comments. It says Aritzia. I'm like, perfect.

So I go to their website. I don't know what kind of vortex I got sucked into, but I knew it was bad when I kept adding things to the cart. And then I was like, okay, what's the damage going to be? I go to check out $1,000. You know what's my toxic trait is being in the US though. I've decided everything is half price. Like, oh, $1,000. Well, that's only 500 pounds. By the way, that's not the conversion rate. $1,000 is maybe like 800 pounds, like roughly. But to me, that's half price. Mm.

do you know what I mean? So everything is just a bargain. Everything is cheap. And I do need to remember that the dollar is weaker than the pound because every time I go and get a coffee, I get whiplash about how expensive it is. And then I remember it's actually pretty much the same price as in London. But then again, London coffee is like some of the most extortionate coffee you can possibly obtain. So it's not still not a good comparison, but whatever. I don't know.

what I'm going to do tonight. It's currently 4.46 in the afternoon and I have no plans to be anywhere or see anyone or do anything. And I just, the idea of spending another night in is kind of killing me. So I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm locked out of my Instagram account because I basically, it really freaked me out. Okay. Like two days ago, I posted something to my story and it like failed to post. So I tried to post it again. And then I

It wasn't showing up on my Instagram story, but people were responding to something. And I was like, wait, what the fuck? So I messaged someone and I was like, hey, can you tell me what's on my Instagram story? And they were like, yeah, you have two of the same pictures up. And I was like, what the fuck? Why can't I see my story? Then...

I'm going crazy. I'm like, what if it's posting my nudes and I don't know about it? Have I even taken nudes in the last three years? No, but what if, you know? And I was like freaking the fuck out. I was like, I feel so out of control. And my friend was like, try logging out and logging back in. So I did, but I'm dumb and I don't know my password. So then I try and reset my password to get back in. And it's like two-factor authentication. Scan this fucking code with a phone that's logged in on the Instagram account. Bitch, if I had a phone that was logged in on the Instagram account, I wouldn't be in this situation.

Why would I have a second phone? Logged in... Like, what? So then I had to contact Instagram themselves and be like, please can I have my account back? Please. So they haven't given it back yet. I'm still waiting. And I have not...

I never realized how much time I actually spend on Instagram because like the amount of times I would like click off of TikTok and my thumb just automatically presses the Instagram app and then I'm greeted by the login page and I realize I can't get in is insane. Like it happens to me like every five minutes. I'm like, oh, Instagram time. Oh, no. And it's like, what am I even doing on that app? I don't really DM anyone and I don't really care about seeing people's pictures that much and I barely post on it. So like...

What the fuck am I even clicking it for? I need to detox from my phone so bad. Like, it's just so pretty and I love my phone case. I just want to hold it all the time. But I need to get off this thing because it is ruining my life, I think. It's also creating an amazing life for me, but I'm overdoing it. But look how cute my dog is. That's my screensaver. Bugs on her birthday. I miss her so much.

Okay. Okay. Well, that's it for me for this week, I believe. I am very grateful that you guys came to listen to me if you made it this far. Thank you for making it this far. And I will be podcasting and vlogging Coachella. So if you give a fuck, then you can come back and watch that. I love you guys so much. Thank you for coming to hang out with me this week on Pretty Lonesome. And I will see you next week. Wait, where will be next?

Okay, no, next week isn't Coachella. Next week's episode will be... Oh my god, wait, next week is Coachella. No, not quite. I don't think it's quite Coachella. I want to go shake my bum somewhere. Is that so much to ask? Okay, well, that's it for me this week. Thanks, guys. I love you and I hope that you have a good week and I'll be putting out vlogs this week and next and the one after that. So I love you so much. Bye.