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Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of Pretty Lonesome. This week, I understand that if you are watching the video version of this podcast, I apologise for the mess in the back. It's quite shocking, I know. My life spiralled wildly out of control, and by that I mean just my mental health. Nothing physically changed in my world, but...
But my brain did. My brain chemistry did violently, actually. So I have come here today with some neutral to good news. I'm going to call it that, okay? Because here's the thing. I made a little jokey joke about, I don't know, three weeks ago to a couple of my friends that have known me for a really long time. And you know, there's a little bit of truth behind every joke. And after I had made this joke, I thought, oh my god, that's actually fucked.
So my joke was this, okay? So this is my new Mercedes. For people who know, I used to drive a 1998 Vauxhall Astra. And before that, I had a 2007 Peugeot 107, okay? So this is by far the nicest car I've owned. I had a lot of respect for those cars. Because they got me from point A to point B. And honestly, they were...
they were so resilient, okay? I put them into just about every object you can imagine. I played bumper cars with them unintentionally, okay? I would genuinely just like thrash these cars about in my youth and they just took care of me. These cars protected me
They turned on almost every, I say this, my first car, the Peugeot, every single time I wanted to switch it on, I would have to jumpstart it. So I bought this like transportable jumpstart machine. That was a whole thing. It was so embarrassing. Also, mind you, petrol stations were very scary because you have to turn the car off to fill up. But if you fuck up the way that you're jumping a car, there'll be sparks and sparks in a petrol station, not good. So, you know, anyways, that was traumatizing. But I've always had like a high respect for my cars.
With that being said, okay, I also was acutely aware of the fact that these were kind of like junker cars. Like they were very beat up when I got them. The Peugeot wasn't. The Peugeot was like genuinely pristine when I got it and I treated it accordingly. I kept it very clean. But the 96 Astra, okay, from pretty much day one, I was like...
this car may not last me the end of the month. Okay, I literally got that car with the intention of it lasting me a month and a half because I was just meant to finish my dissertation at university and then it could die and it could do whatever it...
it looked like it needed to do and I was going to be okay with that. I just needed something cheap and fast to make sure that I could drive myself to university for the next month just so that I wasn't catching the bus during the most stressful three weeks of my life. And I think we paid a fair price for that. I think it was £600 and luckily it's lasted me upwards of
two years. I still have it. I have taken it off the roads because I didn't want to get MOT'd again because I'm like, I'm not driving it, but we still have it. It's my pride and joy. And you know, it's lasted really well. It lasted me like I've never had an issue with it. Honestly, up until I got this Mercedes, I was driving it completely fine. So the actual fucking point of my story, if I
I knew these cars were just like kind of old. And so when they got messy, when I would leave a bit of food in them, a McDonald's cup, a coffee cup, when I would leave God knows what in my car and it would smell or it'd be gross or there'd be trash all over the floor and I'd have to like swipe it off the passenger seat before any of my friends could get in and sit down. When all that was happening, I was thinking, yeah, but the...
It's kind of fine. Like, we're in the right space for this, you know? I was kind of like...
had this illusion in my head of well when I finally get this nice car in my adulthood when I finally buy myself my first big girl car I'll keep that one clean okay I'll I'll when it when it's a nice cute car I'll keep it clean that was always my thinking okay very foolish very naive of me to think that okay because then I get this fucking car and lo and behold old habits die hard and
It's a shit tip. And now I feel bad because now I'm in a Mercedes and there's shit everywhere. And I'm like, what am I doing? I really thought that I would magically fix this ailment of mine just by putting myself in a nicer environment. Turns out that's not how it works, which is insane and completely unfair.
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So then I just kind of was like aware of this. Then I go pick up my friends who have never seen the Mercedes before. They're two of my like very old, very old friends. Okay. And we never see each other because they're both off living their lives and I'm off living mine. So I pick them up and they look at me and they're like, so you haven't changed. And I was like, no, I haven't changed. There's shit all over the car. It stinks. There's like four rotting coffees in every door. And I was like, yeah, I really thought that like when I finally got this nice car that was going to like fix it for me.
And then my friend laughed and she was like, "Yeah, now you have to realize, like, when you get yourself a nice house, it's also gonna be really messy." I didn't find that one fucking funny. I did not laugh at that one. I said, "What do you mean?" No, because I've always had the idea in my head that when I finally get my nice, clean girl apartment, 'cause let's all admit right now, okay? We're all gonna admit it right now. We're gonna have a little honesty corner.
my flat in London that I was living in for the past six months was fucking not good. Like, okay, it was cute to the eye. I don't even think I ever really showed you guys. Like, not on the podcast for sure, but like on TikTok vlogs, I feel like you could, I never did like a house tour because I'm paranoid. I was like, people are going to find me and they'll break in and they'll kill me. So I never really showed anyone. But then even when I moved out, I didn't really do a house tour because it was not cute. Okay, it had rats.
rats. First of all, I didn't even really think that was a thing in London because I was like, oh no, that's like so New York. No, I had rats. And before anyone tries it, okay, they were not my rats. I didn't bring them with me. They will be there after me and they were there before me. Okay. They were nothing to do with me. There was rat poison everywhere. Like I lifted up like this, there was like in floor heating and it had like sluts to cover the top of it.
I picked it up one day out of curiosity to see what's underneath the slats. And it's just rat poison, rat poison, rat poison, cheese traps, mouse traps, everything. And I was like, I should have inspected this apartment before I spent so much money on it.
It was never cute. It was never clean, girl. And mind you, even if it was clean, girl, right? The washing machine worked three times whilst I lived there. Three times. And despite six months I lived there, and despite my best efforts to get my landlord to pull his finger out his fucking ass and fix it, nothing. Every time I'd ask him, I'm doing the best. I'm a good landlord. Stop accusing me of being a bad landlord. Bitch, I have no clean underwear. He was so...
Because the thing is, the reason he didn't replace it for so long is because the first time it broke, so he sent someone around to fix it. Okay, but the guy came without any tools. He was just looking at it to confirm that it was really broken because my landlord didn't believe me because he just fucking didn't like me. And I was like, what the fuck?
So then he sends around another guy who also can't fix it and who looks at me and he's like, yeah, you're just going to need a new one. I was like, I've been knowing this for the last three weeks. Yeah, thank you. Then I asked my landlord, are you going to reimburse me for my laundry costs because I've been having to use other services that cost money? He said no. I said, oh, cool, fine. Could you send me a new fucking washing machine then?
No. What do you mean? Oh, guys, it genuinely drove me insane. I got one, like, three weeks before my lease was up. He finally gave me a new washing machine. I don't even want it at that point. And it was so bad. He, like, got the wrong kind.
And it was like too big or no, too small for the space it was meant to be in. So it would like smack against these two metal units that it was like shoved in between. I know my neighbors, my downstairs neighbors were going insane. Anyway, I've really, really strayed from the point. The good news that I came or the medium, the neutral news that I have for you this episode is this. It follows like this. It goes as such. What is that saying? Anyways.
Everyone knows I'm back from America and I'm living with my mother. Now, here's the thing about that. I love my mum. I love being at home with her. I'm such... If it's up to me, I'm never moving out. Like, if it's up to me, I'm just going to live with my mum forever, okay? I'm such a mummy's girl. It's really bad. We fight by the... We don't even get on the... No, me and my mum get on really well, but we're very mother and daughter. Like, it's not to say we're some Gilmore Girls bullshit. We're really not. But, like, I just...
don't care i just love her i just want to be around her 24 7 you know what i mean and so i love when i get to come home and live with her but our house our house like i fucking pay rent her house is not huge
I mean, she raised me and my sister in it and we always had enough space. But I just can't explain it lately. It feels so much smaller than it ever has to me before. And I have so much stuff that I have an insane amount of stuff. I can't even explain it to you. And I feel bad because it naturally just makes a mess. Like there's just things everywhere. There's my stuff everywhere you look. It's something that's mine. And I feel bad because I'm 23. It's my mum's house.
and my shit is everywhere and it's like I just I don't like it like I feel bad and it's hard for me to keep it clean because first of all I'm already bad at keeping things clean second of all I have genuinely so much stuff okay and so then I'm like making a mess in my mum's house at 23 years old hello no this is not I'm not doing that so I was like okay I have to be home for a couple months not have to be I want to be I'm in the UK for a
I'm committing to that. I'm actually lying through my teeth and I think I'm going to go to Ibiza next week. But any big travels, okay, that aren't like holiday based, okay, they are, I'm going to be home. So I was like, okay, I can't keep making mess in my mom's house. And when I'm around this much mess, I am extremely stressed and honestly kind of depressed.
Also, just it being someone else's house, and yes, it's my home, but it's like, we share the fridge, we share the kitchen, the kitchen's not massive, there's always people in there, that like, my mum has hobbies and activities and friends, and there's people in and out of the house all day.
And if I want to just like go into the kitchen and make food, it's kind of like a whole thing. It's not just simple. You don't just pop into the kitchen and make food. You know what I mean? And I was just, I never noticed before because I was so attuned to living with my mom or living with roommates. And then I think I went away and lived by myself and had so much space, freedom and just...
You don't make a mess. It only affects you and whatever. Live how you want. It only fucking bothers you. And then I kind of came back here and my mom is someone I respect so much that if I'm making a mess in our house, I'm going to feel bad about it. It's going to weigh on me. And then I was kind of like, shit, I don't know if I can do a month of this. And I just don't want to live in mess. I don't want to live. I want to live the way I've been living anymore. It is driving me insane. OK, my complete fucking inability to
to be productive in small ways because I can be productive in big ways like I can start a podcast I can uphold a career kind of I can like I can do those things big meeting I'm there like I don't know like I can do the big things it's the small things I don't know why it's probably the ADHD but if there is something on the floor that is where I will remain
for minimum two months and it's like I was in the shower the other day and I was beating myself up about it as per usual all the normal things I say to myself you're so lazy you're so gross you're so disrespectful just fucking pick up after yourself like you already know it's an issue why can't you stop and then something clicked in my brain and I said hold on I already know it's an issue why can't I stop now I've known this is an issue in my life for years and
So then I stopped and actually looked at it and I was like, okay, wait. So I know this is an issue and I know that I feel horrible about it. And I know that I have not been able to find a solution so far to stop this behavior in myself. Okay. What if, okay, I just kill it at the root and I actually spend money and go out of my way to create a life where it is less possible for it to happen. What if that's the solution? What if I'm not...
What if it's not possible to change whatever the fuck it is within me? Because I know I feel bad. I know I think it makes me look lazy. I know I think it makes me look gross. I know I think having a messy room is actually disgusting. And like the amount of mess that I create is gross. I know I think the rotting coffee in my car is gross. It's not an issue that I don't understand that it's not cool to live the way I live.
It's an issue of no matter what phase of my life I've been in, whether I've been the happiest girl alive, the most depressed I've ever been, whether I've been sick or healthy, rich, poor, whatever, it's never changed. It's never changed for me, okay? And I've never failed to acknowledge, at least in my adulthood, that the way I live is kind of gross.
Never. I've never thought, this is fine, this is not disgusting. I've never thought, this week old Joe and the Juice matcha in my glove box is fine.
I don't think like that. I think, ugh, but it doesn't stop. So then I was like, okay, let's just toy with the idea for a second that I actually go about this differently. And I stopped beating myself up and I just removed the issue from my life entirely. What if I put half of my shit into a suitcase, into five suitcases, should I say, and I rent a house with a couple bedrooms and I put all my shit in one bedroom, make a mess in there, whatever, you can close the door.
And then I live on my own. I'm 23. It's about time. I live somewhere by myself. Then I thought, no, no, no. I need to be near my mom. I need to be near my mom. Okay. So I've rented a house near my mom. Not super close. Mainly because...
well there's no major reason I just it was honestly kind of what was available but it was also just like let me be a little bit out of my childhood town you know get to see something new if I'm going to be spending the money so I'm close like I can drive there and it's not stupid time but it's like not right next door and not you know down the road from each other by any means
This episode is brought to you by Mejuri. You know, I had a thought the other day. Since Rwanda jewelry becomes something we only bought on special occasions, Mejuri approaches fine jewelry a little bit differently. Each one of their pieces is handcrafted by jewelers committed to quality craftsmanship as well as ethical and sustainable jewelry production. Created by women for women, Mejuri is breaking down barriers in what has long been an exclusive and occasional category of men buying for women. In
In 2020, the brand launched the Missouri Empowerment Fund in support of higher education for underrepresented women and non-binary individuals. Because fine jewelry doesn't have to cost the world. Feel good about your jewelry in more ways than one. Start stacking your favorites, shop online or visit the website to find a store near you.
So I did it and I did it quickly. Okay, once I had had that realization of look, no amount of beating yourself up about this is going to change it unless you're about to go and strut down to the doctor's office right now and get Adderall right now. I don't see this changing. And so you're going to keep suffering and you're going to keep being frustrated.
not productive and you're gonna keep having these bad moods and these bad days and you're gonna wake up in a messy room and you're not gonna eat breakfast because your room's a fucking mess and you don't feel like getting up and you didn't even open your blinds today and your bed isn't made and when it gets to night time and it's time to go to bed you're not gonna want to go to bed because your bed's fucking gross and your room's fucking disgusting and then you you weren't even that nice to your mom today your mother the woman who fucking raised you because you're stressed because your room is disgusting then you didn't eat breakfast okay and
Work is stressing you out, fine, fair enough, but you have no capability of managing any of that stress because you're locked up in a tiny room that sinks and that holds memories from when you were three years old. Also, that's not good. Because...
I kind of forgot. Like, I moved away. And I used to be very highly aware of this when I was still at university. And I would... I traveled home all the time during uni. I only went to a uni about two hours away. So I could come home all the time. And I did. I came home genuinely pretty much, like, every weekend. For the whole four years that I was there, I was here all the time. And this is what I mean. I'm a serious mummy's girl, okay? I'll come home all the time. And during that phase of my life, I was very aware of the fact that my room...
held so much like kind of pain and not pain but like it would make me feel weird to be so detached and so healthy and like growing in so many ways also very depressed but aware that I was growing to then come home and just be surrounded by this energy this like heavy looming teenage energy that I've been in the same room I still have the same mattress I got my mattress when I was like 13 I've never changed it I sleep on it every night that's 10 years of like
stress in this material and I really believe that rooms hold energy things hold energy like even if I got rid of my bed it's just like it's still there but the mattress definitely doesn't help I should probably get a new one but like um that's actually kind of gross I never even no one gets new mattresses right anyways um
I actually have a mattress. It's just in my storage unit for my old flat. Anyways, anyways, anyways, sidetracked. But I was so aware of that during that time of like, yeah, this room is like not good for me to be in. Like my childhood bedroom. I need to limit my time in here because what the fuck am I doing? I'm trying to grow. I'm trying to not think about this stuff right now. Like...
Why am I coming back here so often? And I didn't enjoy being in there very much. And I guess I kind of forgot about that because I'm here all the time. I travel a lot. Like from 2023, from late January, this is basically the first time I've been home in a living way rather than just here for three nights and then I'm going to New York, you know, kind of way. So this is the first time that I'm really acknowledging that this room...
I don't like being in there. I don't like living in there. I don't like dwelling in this house very much because it actually, I'm just at the wrong phase of my life to be sleeping on the same mattress as when I was 13. Do you know what I mean? Like as much as I love it,
It's time for me to go. It is not my time to be living with my mum. It's not. It's fine to sleep here every couple days. Yes. It's fine to be here. I love being here. I love seeing my mum. I love being at home. But I just don't think living here is good for me right now. And so I've decided...
I'm just, when I see a problem, it's usually like a six month processing time for me of like noticing the problem is there to enacting a solution. Okay. Six months is generously a minimum. Okay. It's probably more like four years genuinely. Like I do not implement solutions. I'd be a very, very bad team leader. Okay. And this time I was
literally getting in the shower like a week ago and I was like I need to go I can't stay in this house like I need a house where I have my own kitchen that I can walk into in the morning make breakfast I'm also very OCD about fridges we'll get into that another time but like I really struggle with fridge hygiene and I love having my own fridge and
Is that a huge issue? No. I can survive eating out of someone else's fridge. Not a problem. Point being, yeah, I have a house now, which is actually really cool. It's kind of like my first house. I don't own it, but I'm staying there for a while. I'm renting it.
it and it so it's not my first house like I've okay well I've lived in apartments I lived in four university apartments or flats and then I had one flat by myself and I've never lived in a house alone and now I just have this little it's so weird because it's like a fucking family house like it's I mean it's not anymore because it's just me but it's so cute and I really was gonna
be destructive and like stay in a hotel which not cheap so that was kind of what actually put me off doing it I'm not gonna stand here and be like why you just thought that no it was fucking expensive can't afford that but um I was like I want a kitchen and I want to be able to like move around this house and like start a routine I was like I need a routine I need to be able to get up in the morning and make breakfast and then move throughout the rooms okay because no more just sitting in my bedroom all day I need to be able to move throughout the rooms and
And there's a garden. I can go out in the garden, get fresh air. My dog can piss and shit there, which is really the main point of that facility. But I'm excited to have...
space and still be near my mum, which it's been the biggest dilemma for me for the longest time. Ever since the idea of growing up and moving out became a thing in my head, probably when I was seven, I've been, well, what am I going to do about my mum? Because I can't leave her. I can't not be near my mummy. So how am I possibly going to live? Well, just get a fucking house nearby, you stupid bitch. Stop deliberating over it. So that's what I did. It took me a while, but I finally realized I can do that.
that's it's it's actually that simple you just can live nearby you don't need to go really far away the thing is i am still thinking of moving out the country because i do hate the uk
But then this one week of being in the UK, the sun has come out. It was so hot today. I had to go indoors to cool off. Isn't that crazy? And like just randomly over. So when I landed, it was like freezing cold and icy and shit. And then as the UK does, I just woke up one morning up 25 degrees and sunny. OK. Also, all the trees suddenly have leaves on them and all the flowers are out. It literally happens overnight. You know what's crazy? American people who live in L.A. don't really know about spring.
Well, I mean, I guess if they've lived anywhere else, they do. But it's like people who grew up in L.A. Because I guess they technically have... No, they don't have spring. Like, maybe they have like a mini spring. But like, there's never a time where it's like barren of all life. And then you start to see the little rose buds on the trees. Not rose buds. What are they called? The buds. And you're like, oh my God, it's coming. Because I know every year when it gets like March... Oh my God, my leg is so fucking itchy. I need to take these leggings off. Oh my God.
do you know what I did this morning so okay I started doing Pilates when I was in LA right and it changed my body like it transformed my body in the space of I'm not even kidding a week I was like what the fuck because people have been telling me to do Pilates and by people I mean my mum so obviously I ignored her and I was like no old lady no old lady I won't and then I go to LA and it's all the rage everyone does Pilates and I was like what is this like it's an old lady thing in the UK like
fully like no one young does fucking pilates in the uk and then when aloe is offering pilates i was like the fuck and i i never understood the hype then i go to like three classes my bum has grown seven inches my skin has cleared like what the fuck i had abs i didn't but i was like on my way and also it was just so much fun to go every morning and just like talk um
so when I go back to the UK I was like I don't want to lose my body that I've worked mediocrely not even that hard to build it's got maybe one percent more definition than it used to have but I have some kind of positive dysmorphia where I think I'm the sexiest person on earth when I work out once so I need to go to Pilates so that I don't lose this imaginary progress that I've made so I book a Pilates class right and it's the UK it's the worst country ever so why is it the old lady shit again I
I go into Pilates thinking I'm going to come out sweating, feeling like I need to vomit as I do in LA. And I'm there and I'm just stretching my spine the whole time. It's yoga on a machine, okay? It's reform Pilates in the UK is yoga. And so I'm like, what is this? Okay. It doesn't make me sore. It doesn't make me sweat. Nothing. It's just like technique, which to be fair is really good to learn.
But it's not going to give me a voluptuous bum. So I was like, what the fuck? So then I go and try a different class called Athletic Reformer Pilates. Now, this is a little bit more like what we were doing in...
in America. But I still don't get any aches or pains. I still don't feel like I need to vomit. So it's not doing it for me. So I got out of my way to hire a private reformer Pilates instructor. OK, 85 pounds she is for three classes, which actually is not that bad. But anyway, I start going to her. It's a little bit more like, oh, I feel a bit of an ache in my leg at least. I don't know. And she's really nice. So I was going to keep going to her. So tell me why I slept through it today. I slept through her class.
I didn't even know I was sleeping through our class. I didn't even check my calendar to see if I had anything on today. I woke up blissfully at like 10 a.m. My class was at 9 a.m. Oh, fuck, guys. I don't know why I'm only telling you this now. I got a filling yesterday. No one cares. Anyway, I'm going to tell you anyway. I have a fear of the dentist. Always have. But it used to be kind of crazy. Like I would make
the dentist refer me on to the hospital as a teenager and they would there sedate me general anesthetic the thing that fully puts you to sleep for surgery and then they would go in and they would fix my mouth now this only happened once and I think they removed like four teeth and did like seven fillings in this surgery because I hadn't been to the dentist in so long because I was so scared of it and I would just refuse treatment they would try and touch me and I would literally scream um
So then they did one big dentist treatment. And then after that, how did I go to the dentist after that? I don't remember. I must have just not gone again for years until I finally started letting someone touch my mouth. And I don't remember when I started to let someone touch my mouth because I was so scared. Like I remember one time.
So they refer me to like three different places before I get to go to the hospital, right? The first place they referred me to is somewhere that is for kids with disabilities, okay?
so not me I was never meant to be there so I walk in and it's I'm talking kids with like cerebral palsy and stuff plus me because I'm just a pussy and so they're used to and this sounds terrible but they're used to restraining kids to keep them still so they can work on their mouth okay they restrain them they sedate them they give them the laughing gas all good so they offer me laughing gas and I'm like get the fuck away from me absolutely not so they're like okay
Anyway, my mum is so at her wits end with me at this point, I'm like 14 years old, that she's like, you know what? I'm gonna go away outside 'cause you're pissing me off. And I was like, fuck you bitch. 'Cause I was 14, I was like, fine, get out.
We were so on each other's arses when I was 14. Because I was homeschooled. Wouldn't leave the house. Wouldn't go to the dentist. Wouldn't eat food. Like, oh my god, we didn't like each other for quite some years. We loved each other, but there was not a lot of friendship there. So she's like, I'm going to go wait in the hallway. You do what you must to my child to get this massive gaping hole in her tooth filled. So this lady, once my mum leaves the room...
She wields the largest needle I've ever seen in my life, Kay, like this. And then she, with this part of her arm, shoves me onto the bed. And I'm not kidding, borderline chokes me with her arm. She's pressing me down on like my chest.
And she's coming at me with the needle. So I screamed. Absolutely not. No fucking way. Don't ever do that shit to me again. I screamed. And that was the last time I went there. I should have just let them give me laughing gas. Like, I really don't know what my issue. To be fair, I wouldn't even have a laughing gas now because the fuck off. Like, just numb me. I said this and I was guesting on someone else's podcast. Okay. And I said, I was making a joke. Like, no, I like have the gene for going full on batshit.
And they were like, what do you mean? I was like, half of my family, and I probably shouldn't say this online, there's a lot of people in my family, in my bloodline, they see things, okay, that maybe aren't necessarily there. That is a vibe of my bloodline, is genuine, severe underlying conditions of the brain. And I don't wish to partake...
And I kind of have always suspected that there's some rocks that if overturned in my head could lead to unpleasant psychological experiences. And this was confirmed the first time that I ever took an edible and then couldn't really remember my name for six months after. Let's just leave it at my brain.
has definitely got some crazy capabilities and I don't wish to discover them anytime soon and especially not for a filling like that's insane anyway I went to the dentist the other day and I got a filling and I found it really cute because I've had the same dentist from like my whole life she's called Kate I really like her and um and we call her sexy Kate well I do I don't know who we is I call her sexy Kate she's
She's kind of hot. But actually, other people call her sexy Kate too. It's not just me. Anyways, she's done me ever since I was a kid, right? And so she saw me. She referred me on to the other practices and saw me go through all that trauma and saw me come out the other side.
And so even though I always go and I'm a big girl and I sit in her chair and I let her do what she needs to do to my mouth, she still knows I'm scared. OK, and it's only in the last couple of years, I'm going to say three years that I have been fully able to hide my fear with her. So I won't like like she'll get that big fucking needle out and I won't be like, wait, wait, wait, wait.
you know like now I'm still uncomfortable but like now I just lay there and I let her do it and I don't say anything and I don't ask her to stop ever pretty much whereas I used to like she'd be like tell me if you want me to stop and every three minutes I'd be like wait stop and I'd have to like sit up and do some breathing and swallow and then she could continue on with the filling so now none of that I'm such a big girl music
I will go and I'll sit in her chair and she will do whatever. So this was the first time I think I felt that calm during a filling to the point that I kind of didn't even care. Like I always take my headphones with me to listen to music and like or even listen to a Netflix show because it keeps me calm. This time I was like honestly I could go without. Like I'm kind of intrigued at what you're even doing right now. Like get me a mirror. I was feeling brave and um
She had this new assistant who I don't think I've met before and so when she was injecting my gums with the numbing stuff usually that's when I freak out the most because I hate I don't like injections very much especially not in my face but she was rubbing my shoulder this new assistant and I was like oh she's briefed you.
she's briefed you on who I am hasn't she and then she um usually has this one assistant who's like young she's like kind of like maybe my age and she's usually like there for my checkups and stuff and I see her a couple times a year whenever I go get my teeth checked but when I actually have a filling she made sure that the assistant working with her maybe she's just more qualified I don't know but she was like an older woman sorry that is actually kind of offensive she's like maybe 35 but she was like
I could tell she had been briefed on my files because she was like rubbing my shoulder and then she was like, take deep breaths. And I was like, I'm actually shockingly okay right now. But I love that you know. I love that sexy Kate has told you about this scared patient that she has, aka me. It felt really nice, okay? And I got through the feeling unscathed. Although...
I've never had one that lasted that long before because like I've had a lot of fillings. I kind of have like a very genetically fucked up mouth. I've had probably like seven or eight, potentially more fillings in my life. And a lot of them is like getting the same one redone. Like I don't even have enough teeth, I don't think, to do that many fillings. But like a lot of my, most of my fucking molars have fillings. I brush my teeth twice a day. Like I always have, like I don't have bad dental hygiene, but I just get a lot of cavities.
So I know how long a filling takes and I kind of know how it feels to get a filling. Like, I know the sounds, I know the drills. Like, I don't like fillings, so I definitely know how long it should take to, like, reassure myself. So I'm laying there, I'm like, why is my jaw locking up? Like, I've never...
given, usually I ask her to stop for moments so that I can like sit up and breathe. So probably my jaw usually isn't just like open for this long in one go because I was being a big, big brave girl. But I was like, I'm sure it does not take this long. And why is my jaw in pain? Like I'm fatigued right now and I'm laying there and she's using some
fuck-ass drill that is making my whole head vibrate like I'm feeling my brain shake about I'm like what is going on and I'm like in my head this is a small filling like I saw the hole in my tooth she like showed me a picture of it it's small it's in this tooth up here I'm like this should take 15 minutes at most to get done so why am I 15 minutes in and she's still drilling and I was like oh my god what is happening it's time to get a little bit worked up and then
she finishes up, filling's done. I look at the clock. I've been in there 45 minutes. And I said to her, I said, was that filling unexpectedly large? And she said, it was so big, it just kept going. I just kept finding dead tooth, rotten tooth. And then she was like, honestly, you might need a root canal. I was like, oh, fuck me. I'm not, I am a big brave girl. Yes, but I'm not God. Yeah, you might have to sedate me for that one. What do you mean? What
What do you mean a root canal? So I'm scared for that. She was like, if your tooth hurts for more than just today, you might need a root canal. My tooth fucking killed me that day because she went...
so close to the nerve because that's how deep the cavity ended up fucking being that she like irritated it so I was like fuck and it's been two days now okay I think I don't think I'm gonna need a root canal my tooth doesn't hurt if I bite down really hard I can kind of feel it which is gross it like zings in my nerve that's so just I fucking hate that feeling but I don't think I'm gonna need a root canal though I think it's gonna be okay um because that's the I'm manifesting it I can't do a root canal I really can't
I know I've just been braggy about how I'm not scared of the dentist anymore, but actually, I only can do fillings. That's my limit. Oh, no. It doesn't really hurt. I don't even know what a root canal fucking is. They take out my nerve? Oh, God. I don't think that's possible, actually. Anyways, I'm going to shut the fuck up. I'm bored of talking. Today was one of those podcast episodes where I'm like, oh, shut the fuck up. Because usually I get in this car with, you know, nothing but a dream. And...
Then I start talking and then I kind of have a great time and I'm just like, oh my God, look at me go. I've got so much to say. But today I'm in my car and I'm talking and I'm just thinking, shut up. Anyways, I'm going to shut the fuck up and I'm going to go. The sun has set and it is time for Madeline to go inside. Actually, I'm really hungry. Actually, I'm not even fucking hungry. Lately, I'm eating out of habit. I'm like, yes, where is my next meal coming from? And I haven't been hungry once in probably three days because I'm eating so much, but I'm kind of enjoying it.
I am also on my period. So that's probably why. Anyways, I love you guys so much. Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Pretty Lonesome. I will see you next week. I think that's all I have to say. Okay. Well, bye. Love you.
