Stavros Halkias Loves Meat
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Don't listen to the allegations, folks. What Caleb is saying, he's coming out in support of the stuff coming out. None of it's true. Hey, folks. None of it's true. Wait, who are you voting for? You know, well, since RFK dropped out of the race, I'm still kind of weighing my options. You're in a tight spot.

What's going on, brother? What's up, bro? Thanks for having me. Well, it's good to see you again. The last time I saw you, we had a classic fat guy evening. We did. We were in London. We were in London. We went to dinner together and we did one of my favorite things to do with another fat guy, which is to go to dinner and go, let's just order a lot. We'll take stuff home.

Yeah, yeah. Not a scintilla of rice. Made it in the take-home container. 20 minutes later, the server's picking up licked clean plates. We ate so much at this Indian restaurant, the owner legitimately tried to recruit us for breakfast there the next day.

That sounds like a joke. He handed us a fucking flyer. He was like, fellas, we got a great breakfast. I'm not kidding. And it wasn't like maybe he does this. That's part of his thing. He did this to us three separate times. He clocked us on the way in. Yeah. Just gave us the first one. Saw what we were doing.

Saw the kind of damage that was taking place. Saw that after we had ordered 20 things, Stavi pulled the waiter back over and said, another thing. Brother, I'm going to need that. What was it? I forget exactly. It was a dip of some kind. Yeah, you added some kind of dip. But man, what a, yeah, so he's in the middle and then literally on the way out it was like,

I gotta insist, boys. You gotta come. He was like, you gotta check us out. Fellas, you're gonna love to see us again tomorrow. And honestly, if I wasn't an hour, because I was working like an hour outside of London, I might have gone solo. You were in the neighborhood, but you had been there a while. You would have gone back and not told me. 100%. Wow. 100% I would have. You are a shady character. Yeah.

You are a shady character. My friendship with you... Here's the thing. Here's the thing. I didn't want to drag you down because even in our fat guy meal, you were kind of keeping it cleaner than I thought. I don't want to put you on blast. You didn't eat any carbs. You were kind of eating meat. Maybe you fried okra, but...

I ordered an extra rice thinking, what are we doing here? One rice? Who the fuck? I saw what was happening. I was like, why not? And then this motherfucker doesn't even... You don't take a rice. I don't take a rice. I ate 1.75 rices. I disappointed you. And the naan. No naan for you. And it was kind of like...

Okay, I see what you're doing here. I thought we were letting it fly. You think, okay, you're going to accuse me of being a fat guy trainer. I see your big ass popping up on Instagram lifting weights. Fucking squatting in a gym room. Do you know how betrayed I feel when I see this shit? No, no, no. Because you think I'm trying to be fat. Then I'll be fat. I'm trying to become like the ultimate fat.

I'm trying to evolve into the next fat guy because the strongest, the best, in my opinion, the platonic ideal of an aging fat guy is big arms, little titties. You know what I mean? Like, not no titties, by the way. I said little titties. Small, eight cups. Small titties.

Belly's staying, but it's a little smaller. You know what I mean? Kind of a bouncer build. Yeah. Like, that is the, like... That's what I want to, like, get into. Still taking down meats and cheeses and whatever you got. But, like, gotta be strong. What, uh... Gotta be strong. What age are you planning on clocking out, you think? Ugh.

I was, you know, in my youth, in my youth, I was like, let's get to 62. But I could, I would like to see the tail end of my sixties at this point. Yeah. I've bumped. I want to live a little more than I thought I wanted to. Cause as a fat guy, it really is the coward.

Yeah. In your youth? It's like, let me just treat my body so bad it will eventually kill me. Yeah, exactly. And let me have some burgers on the way out. But I guess, unfortunately, somehow I've been tricked into enjoying life. So I'd like to bump it up to maybe even 70. Who knows? Just turn it on the gas burner a little bit more every night.

it really is dude it's such a like so many of my fat friends we would just be menaces in our 20s i see a lot of these motherfuckers are like what have i done i want to live i have a wife i have children and so i see them dude i see there's a lot there's a big there's a big loose skin contingent amongst my friends right now they look great but they're like nah i can't go out let me tell you something i haven't seen these guys but i'm confident they don't look

better than they did don't tell me one of them is a handsome one of them does look good shout out peter muth but i don't yeah one of them is handsome i will not put the others on record though he's a cute guy though he's a cute got himself a hot wife and here's the other it was very interesting because i don't want to put him on blast but he's the man fuck whatever pete's cool he was this is he realized he wanted to live

and lost weight and then he met like a cool hot woman and I don't know maybe she was divorced or something and she was like they went on a couple dates and she was like what? like why aren't you you know they got married when they were 40 or something she was like what's going on here because you're not divorced

Like, you're a cool guy. And he has you just be like, I was one of the fattest men of all time until two years ago. He was like, that's the catch. But not a bad look, by the way. If you're looking for a second husband, get a fat guy who suddenly decided he wanted to see his 70s. That's your next chapter. Because you got a good guy frozen in carbonite that way. He's in there. He's on solo. Well, we're handing you a block of marble. Yes, you just need to...

Absolutely. You just need to get him down to the Y. Absolutely. And see what's going on under there. If you really want to buy low, get him when he's fat as shit. Yeah. You know what I mean? Change him. Change him up. Change him from the inside. Because I do think fat boys are the easiest to change. We want someone to care so bad. We want someone to take. You know what I mean? It's like, you're not going to change the hot guy with a fucking leather jacket. No, he's chill. And push you on his motorcycle. He's good. You know what I mean? You might change a fat guy with a heart of gold, though. How long have we been recording right now?

Five minutes? I just wanna make sure, 'cause I was wondering when you'd bring up pussy. I didn't say eating! I said getting! And you just ruined your sample, you know what I mean? Now I know I'm being observed. Now I know! 'Cause we would've gotten there, you know, probably within the next 12. But now I know to fucking be cagey about it. No, I'm not bringing it up at all! Never done it, never will!

Dude, one of the coolest things that ever happened to me as a fat guy recently, and this is actually kind of sad to say. No, no. Because it didn't even really happen to me. We're sharing. I was at dinner with friends in London. Don't worry about it. I live a chic lifestyle. Yeah, you really do. I'm in London. I'm like, what is this? He's just like, I'm in London too. I was like, why? He's like, just hanging out. I was like, what? I'm just in Europe for six weeks. What are you, a fucking divorcee? Pretty much. Yeah, yeah.

I was at dinner and we were talking. Somehow we got on the subject of like the best sex we've ever had. And my friend, a beautiful thin woman. No worries. We accept. We won't hold it against her. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A beautiful thin woman. She go. I was saying basically one of the thin people in the group had said, my sex hasn't been that great lately. I like to be thrown around a little bit and it's not happening. And I was like, tell me you are not fucking enough fat people. Yeah. A big guy will throw you around. Absolutely. Without knowing what's going on.

Right. By accident. He has to. Yeah, yeah. Because you're down there and you've got to get over there. He's going to have to... Yeah, absolutely. Toss you over there. And so...

I said you're not into fucking enough fat guys and my beautiful thin friend goes the best sex I ever had in my life was a fat guy. That's awesome. And she meant it and I literally stopped and almost cried. I feel that same pride. A win for the community. I don't know your friend. I don't know this guy. It's just nice to hear a fat guy's laying it down. I said will you please call him and tell him that. And you know the good thing? You know what's crazy about that? No way he was fully hard. You know what I mean? It wasn't dick. Are you not getting fully hard?

man stop i mean it's fully fully i'm trying to hit a nice 85 percent and then really you're getting i mean i'm getting 100 percent wow yeah i must have great you're younger than me too though yeah by a lot give me seven years yeah let's relax these are also fat guy years it's like dog years so i guess it does multiply yeah so even though it's seven years it's been fat guy years i'm like 14 years older than you yeah something like that yeah

Oh my God, that's funny. No, she, yeah, she said best sex of her life. And I felt, I literally woke up happy for like the next three days about it. I'm going to be buzzing about this. It was awesome. Yeah. I was like, that's great. Yeah. We, I also did, I had a, um, I was talking recently to a female friend who's not getting dicked down the way she needs to by her guy.

Oh, she's in a relationship. Well, kind of. It's like a situation. And she's like, the sex isn't quite there. And I'm like, well, what's wrong? And she's like, the penetrative sex is not working. And I'm like, well, he's a fool then. Because if you're not good at penetrative sex, you have to know what your skills are. Absolutely. It's like a Madden player. You need to up this one if that one's not working. I feel like Daredevil, dude. Yeah.

My no, it's like his sight is gone, my dick, I'm not relying on it. I need all my other senses in the bedroom. You know what I mean? It's like, it's that so, you know, and that's why, you know, the advent of dick pills has been huge. Yeah. Because then you spend your sexual development as daredevil not being able to see and all of a sudden you got some eyes when you want them. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like if Detective Monk wasn't autistic. Absolutely. Yeah. What if Monk all of a sudden was just a charmer? Yeah.

What if Monk was at a wedding just slow dancing with your grandma and a little girl? And everyone would be like, aw, Monk is so cute. The little girl's on his shoes. He just winks at you.

he spent all those years developing his autistic superpowers and then he figured out how to deal with people and now all of a sudden then small talk that'd be huge yeah small talk in an adept uh way of navigating social situations yes absolutely yeah oh my god so you were in london and then you've got a movie coming out got a movie coming out yeah uh uh

What is it called? Let's Start a Cult. This is the first time I've promoted it, so I'm like, fuck, what's it called? Let's Start a Cult. Yeah, it's fun. It's a little cult movie. It's really dumb.

Just a tight 90-minute stupid-ass movie, dude. Where's it coming out? Theaters. October 23rd. Theaters. Theaters. It's going to come out in at least two theaters. Yeah. They don't do that anymore. And that, it counts as theaters. Yeah. We're doing New York, bigger cities, and then hopefully people go to see it, and then it comes out in more places. I'll be fucking... I'll be popping up in random... I'm trying to force this to be just...

A moderate success. I just want some people to see it. Yeah, dude, it's crazy. It's kind of weird. At every step, I did not think the movie was going to happen. It was like a production company hit my friend Ben Kittnick up who directed it. And we had done like a short. Of the movie? Of the movie. We did a short version just for fun. We just kind of hit...

an Airbnb for a weekend and just shot whatever the fuck we could and then they were like hey we want to make this movie and we're like alright whatever like no way this happens nothing movies don't get made and we're nobody especially indie movies yeah indie comedy nobody's making fucking dumbass comedies anymore and then just at every step of the way they were like okay great we like the script we're like so they like we're like go write a script so we wrote a script they're like this is good we were like

really? Okay. And then they're like, all right, give us some dates. And I was like, hey, I'm on tour. I'm filming a special. Like, I really only have the month of June. And they were like, great. We love June. What? And I was like, all right, but we have to cast. And we tried to cast like some of our friends and they were like, cool. And it was just like, wait, I have to fucking...

be in a movie now? Like, I've never acted it. I've never acted it at all. I'm shocked hearing this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is not how it's going for anyone. No, no, no. And it was cheap as fuck. Don't get me wrong. It was like, we made it for, like, well under a million bucks, but, you know. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, yeah. But it was like, still, it was fun as shit, and it, you know, and again, just dumb as hell. The main thing I'm mad about is that, to spoil a little bit of this, uh,

my only, my biggest problem with the movie is that they didn't let me use my real nuts in it because I did want to show my balls and then I had to use prosthetic nuts which,

It's tough when you're an artist, man, and you're in the machine. They just chew you up and they just kind of like disrespect your sacred vision. You're like the John Lennon of nutsack. Why did you have to use prosthetics? I think for some kind of like. Your nuts were too gross or weird or beautiful. It was kind of like how they had to cut that Colin Farrell sex scene out of a movie because his dick was too awesome. And like guys were getting pissed off when they saw it, which I think happened where I'm just.

He was turning off male audiences. Such a Colin Farrell fan that I just thought that. But sort of like that, they're like, this is too beautiful a bag for people to be able to focus on the rest of the movie. I think so. Is Colin Farrell playing the Penguin? Yes. I just saw him do an interview. He just had a, like, two days ago he had an interview where he was like, he wore a fat suit for it.

Yeah. And he did an interview where he was like, I fucking hated putting on that suit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, dude, you can't do an interview complaining about the fat suit when no one wanted you to do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It can't be what you do. I know that one was hard for me because it's like, I do love Colin Farrell so much. Yeah. But it's like he is taking, it's tough. There's so many things because it's like, it's a dumb idea.

it's like, oh, the penguin without Batman, who gives a fuck, right? So that's like, I'd be like, all right, fuck that. But then he was good in the movie. It's like, he is good at it, which is fucked. But it's also like,

He's taking food out of an actor's mouth, which I don't like. But Colin Farrell is the man. And it is good, even though it sucks as an idea, because he's so good. And so it's like nothing... It just... I didn't know how to feel about it. And then you're telling me this, where he's complaining about getting able to zip out of our bodies, essentially. Imagine if we could do this. We're just like...

We got abs. Lighter. Again, a huge dick. Stop. You're the revolutionary they count on, brother. You're the guy that they're okay with. Thank you. You're going to let Colin Farrell wear that fat suit. I will. I honestly will. And I'm a moderate voice. I'm going to try and change them from within. You know what I mean? I'm like.

Like, hey, Colin Farrell's going to play the lead fat guy. McStavie, we need a cab driver. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you interested, brother? Are you free? That's the thing. We just need more. Let's just get the ball rolling with more fat mob guys, okay? Yes. Golden Age for fat, I mean, Italians in particular, but The Sopranos, one of the fattest shows of all time. Yeah. Like, it's more, I think it's more of a fat show than an Italian show, if you think about it. Yeah. How many characters were fat as shit? Dude, why do you think I love that show? It's the best, right? They're always, like, fucking licking their finger after eating a sausage. Yeah, yeah.

With their bare hair? That's awesome. It's like fat cheaters, fat, like, you even got a fat gay guy, right? We got Vito. Not that she goes good for him. Sorry to spoil it, he gets beaten to death with a pipe. He gets cruelly smashed to death. You got a fat gay guy, cuts a filet mignon popping out of a closet.

Look, you'll always have the Johnny Cakes episode. You know what I mean? We have that. You have that. They made him a leather gay, which is, you know, representation for somebody. Yeah, no worries. Yeah, it really is the most, like, what do gay guys like? Like, you can tell it's an Italian writer's room. It's like, yeah, put him in a fucking little cap. Yeah.

you know gay shit I also love Sopranos fans being like Tony wasn't cool with killing him and it's like truly everyone being like we need to murder this guy for being gay and Tony being like let's fucking move on yeah yeah he's like I'm on the fence laughing

And they're like, he's a progressive icon. It's like he's one of the worst people of all time. People are so fucking dumb. They're like, no, I like him, so he's good. It's like, no, he's a piece of shit, but it's still a good show. Yeah, you can still like a bad guy in a show. It's a show. It's a show. Oh, God, that's so funny. I know that you want this movie to be successful because you ignore me largely about coming on this show.

Not ignore. And hanging out. Not ignore. And then, who saw you out on another continent, you fucking piece of shit? I took a fucking hour train from Marleybone or wherever the fuck I was. Marleybone. I don't know what the fuck the place, they're all Marlow or some bullshit. All these London names are, English names are fucking stupid.

Yeah, we had to go to Shoreditch. Yeah, yeah, Shoreditch, Maidenhead. Yeah, from Maidenhead to Shoreditch, I took a fucking hour, 15-minute train to have Indian food and be accosted by a small business owner trying to get recruited to eat every meal there. So I don't want to hear it from you. You then, after that meal, accused me of walking you through the gayborhood so that I could get recognized by fans. You

You did. Yeah, you got recognized. Two people said hi to me and Stavi said, you son of a bitch. You walked me through the gay neighborhood so you could run the numbers up. Yeah, so you could run the who recognized who. Yeah, I mean, the thing is, both of us, it's like, if you sort of think you know us, it's us. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's not like, is that Caleb or is that Stavi? It's like...

who the fuck else looks like this? I've thought about that. You know what I mean? I've really thought about, like, you know how some people who don't want to be recognized, like famous people, will put on, like, a hat and sunglasses and a mask. I'm like, I could do every single one of those things. 100%. If you know my silhouette. Yeah. You pretty much, there's not a lot of 6'3", 400-pound gay guys sauntering around Park Slope. You're going to be like, oh, that's that guy. Absolutely, absolutely. Yeah, for some reason, I was like, well, I had to cut my hair.

no one will be able to know who the fuck I am anymore. I literally had that thought. I was like, great haircut. No one will know who I am. It's like, no, no, they got you dead to rights. Yeah. We, we also, we had another great meal together in Kansas city. Yes, we did. I took you to barbecue. Yes, we did. I took you to one. I took you to an easy spot. Cause it was on the way from the airport. I didn't take you to a legendary, but it was great. It was great. Yeah. Worst Kansas city barbecue is better than like most cities barbecue. Yeah. And this place was, I would say, yeah, it was good. It just, it was like newer, but it wasn't, but it was fucking awesome. Um,

But it was sort of, I don't know if you know this, it was the low point that got me to change my life. Did you know that? I did. That meal is literally where I was like, I can't keep living like this. I'm not even kidding. After that meal, I was like, I have to lose 100 pounds. Oh my God.

You spent one evening with me in Kansas City. And you said, I need to make a change. Yeah, 12 hours in your shoes. I was like, I'm not built for this, man. You lived like a Missourian for one hour. And you said, I'm starting with the man in the mirror. I'm making a change. Dude, I'm not even kidding. Because, and I, you know, I'm not going to bring it, but sort of bring it up. But I was, I had a nice show there. I was so fucked up off this barbecue that I was like sweating profusely. And look.

I also, at my rider, I get a rotisserie chicken, okay? And that's going to sound fat, but it's actually pretty... It's smart. It's smart. It's a good source of protein. It fills you up. Exactly, exactly. Very nutritious, right? I'm not not going to have my rotisserie chicken, even though I had a huge barbecue lunch. You know what I mean? When I'm going to fucking let it go to waste. And I'll give you credit, great flavors of rotisserie chicken in Kansas City. Yeah. It was a different, like...

Something I haven't experienced. Some kind of Italian herbs type of situation. And the guy got me... There was a sweet and hot one. Good stuff. He's given you multiple chickens? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shout out to the Midland. Yeah, rock on. It was awesome. And...

I had a show. It was good. You know, I'm still... I'm a pro, baby. The audience has no idea that I'm, you know, moments away from shitting myself at any... I can't get too physical with the act out because it might go bad, right? Right. Still have a great show. Get a DM from a pretty attractive young lady that wants to meet up, let's say, right? And let's just say there was no... It wasn't even like, let's go out for a drink. She was pretty...

right to business. You got the gay guy treatment for one night. I legitimately got the gay guy treatment. Yeah, just literally a DM that's like, I'd like to fuck you. 100%. It was along those lines, right? And I feel so bad that I'm like, I'm literally like...

I'm like fucking eat gray E.T. You know, at this point. Right? Because of what you've done to me. Because of the fucking... First of all, first of all, I'm not going to keep letting this slide. You said what you've done to me and I lived like you for an hour. Cut to, we're at the restaurant. I'm about to order like a sensible dinner and stuff. He's like, we'll have 13 spare ribs for the table. Can we get a fucking... What are these fried bacon cheese balls all about? It wasn't you, but you didn't help. Okay? Okay.

I walked a horse to the river maybe, but you drank. I was, you know what? I was going to eat at, fuck, what was it? Some hilarious chain. You were going to eat at Yard House. Yard House. Yeah, yeah. Because they got us a couple salads. I know what to do there to just keep me afloat, right? And you were like, your exact words were, if you eat at Yard House, I'll fuck myself. Those were your words verbatim. I'm not making that up. I meant it. I was like, all right. You're right. I didn't need much convincing. Fine.

Anyway, I'm getting this DM and I'm like, yeah, come over. And then I'm like, instantly I'm like, like my stomach's rumbling. I'm like, no chance I could even, like it would be embarrassing for a woman to see me in this state. And I had to like, I don't even know what I said. I might've just, I might've been so distraught and embarrassed at my, I was just honest. I was like, I'm so sorry, but I have had too much barbecue to have sex with you. I might've said that. That is dark. Like,

And from that day forward, I was like, I can't live. This is over. This chapter of my life ends here in Kansas City. I cannot. And honestly, I have since then. I've lost a little weight. I've started lifting to become a fat, strong guy. So we're still not where I want to be. But yes, I can never allow a meal.

to stop me from getting sucked off ever again. That's kind of my... Yeah, man. That's on my vision board. Let me tell you something. I've never eaten too much smoked meats to get head. I know. To receive... Well, step your shit up, babe. All right?

Step your shit up. That's again, that's your fat guy points. It's like, yeah, you showed me, you showed me, you know, you brought me to like the arena and I put up fucking... You put up numbers. I put up a fucking no hitter. It was a perfect game, dude. But I do have this problem. I'm fatter in my heart than I am in my like the rest of my organs. I really could be in a larger body. Like if I had your frame...

You would not be able to fit in that chair, bro. You would be fucking huge. I would be humongous. Thank God the Lord limited me with a five. I should be like 130 pounds. Like I am three times what my body should be. I'm like, my family's not that big. You know what I mean? I'm five, seven, but I am pushing it to the limit. I got pedal to the metal over here.

Oh, shit. Wait, we were talking about, we can't talk about being fat for the whole episode. You're right, you're right. Which we will. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're talking about the movie. Yes. We've talked about this a little bit off mic, but I want it on the record. Sure. I ask people on this show a lot. Don't listen to the allegations, folks. What Caleb is saying, he's coming out in support of the stuff coming out. None of it's true. Hey, folks. None of it's true.

Wait, who are you voting for? You know, well, since RFK dropped out of the race, I'm still kind of weighing my options.

I lost my number one guy. Oh, shit. I do think it's iconic. I wasn't going to talk about politics, but Jill Stein just continuously ragging on people who have won elections is so fucking funny to me. I'm not even plugged into the Jill Stein news. Dude, it's awesome. She's going on podcasts and being like, AOC's a crook. That's awesome. It's like, AOC has won some elections. You really can't go to bat with these people, honey. You're doing nothing. Is Jill Green Party? Yeah.

Yeah. I kind of, I will say this. I convinced, as a sixth grader, I convinced my mother to vote for Ralph Nader in the Bush-Gore election. I am part of it. If people want to blame somebody, well, we were in Maryland. We weren't in Florida. But still, I believe in the Green Party, I guess. So don't talk shit on my bitch, Jill. I would love to. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I haven't checked in, but I was a Nader boy as a 12-year-old. I would love to believe in the Green Party, but the only problem with the Green Party really is that they're so fucking stupid. They're so inept. They literally filed Jill. They forgot to file her as a presidential candidate in one state, and they filed her as a referendum. And can I tell you, I like to see myself in my political parties. Not having a grasp of paperwork. I want to see a moron. You're kind of navigating a bureaucracy. Absolutely, dude.

No, I haven't checked in since Ralph. I do fuck with Ralph Nader, but I don't go to bat for Jill Stein. I don't really know what she's about. I don't know what she's about. But no, what I was actually going to ask you, I ask people on the show a lot, is what do you want? What are you trying to do? Okay, so you have a huge, incredible Netflix special. Thank you, buddy. So good. Appreciate it. Huge hit. Thank you. Yeah, you sell out wherever you go. Big tour. You're doing a big bus tour next year. Yep, yep. Coming soon. You can have kind of whatever you want. What do you want?

Yeah, it's kind of crazy. I don't know. It's kind of weird. I don't even know how this happened. Like, I truly... I started doing open mics when I was 19 because I just didn't want to get a job. And then it's like, you're 35 and you have no other skills, but shit's going good. And you're like, all right, I guess... I guess I'm doing this. I guess this is it. I don't know, dude. I just want to fucking... I guess the best part of making it or whatever is you don't have to do...

You don't have to do anything. I'm trying to turn shit down. That is what I've been. I've already turned some stuff down this year, and that's what's allowed me to kind of take a little time off, chill a little bit, feel healthier. I'm still working, but I'm feeling better about it. So I just want to have a...

I just want to have a fucking good ass time. I mean, it's pure, like I'm not, maybe not hedonism. I was going to say it's feeling like hedonism. No. Cause that's the last two years. We're like doing all this shit. It was like, I was working way too hard and saying yes to everything and then getting so fucked up to counterbalance it. So it was like extreme working hard as shit or like getting insanely fucked up and eating like a fucking animal. You know what I mean? Eating 12 spare ribs as a little pre rotisserie chicken snack. Um,

And so I'm just trying to get a little balance and be like, damn, my life fucking rocks. And so why should I be stressed out about some, you know, I don't want to work hard. I just want to do cool shit. I want to chill out. I found out acting, it's like, damn, dude, these motherfuckers like...

and, like, have to just be on set forever. You have to just be ready to go whenever the fuck they say it. I used to think stand-up was hard. I was like, oh, this shit is the easiest thing in the fucking world, dude. And so I'm just going to... I'm like, you know what? I love stand-up. I realize that. So I'm just going to, yeah, just chill out, live in a fucking cool place. I want to actually spend time in New York. So after the tour's over, I'm going to get, like, a fucking... I want to live like Bruce Wayne in New York for a couple years, just get a sick...

Sick apartment. And just like... Yeah. Just have a good time. Honestly. Make cool shit. Like I'd love to be able to... You know. I liked... What I liked about making the movie was... You could... You know. I got to cast some of my friends. I got to hang out with people. And stand up is so fucking lonely. You're just on the road. I mean... My best friend is my tour manager. So that's fun. But...

The cool thing about movies is like, yeah, what if, you know, and maybe I'll even say it. I'm trying to work on a fat camp movie so I could get all my fat friends in the movie. Dude, what? I mean, who do you think? Hey, who do you think? Yeah. Who's getting a phone call? Yeah. We need a bitchy gay counselor. Like we need oxygen on this movie. Absolutely. But, but yeah, dude, I just want to, so do stand up, hang out. And

and then like do projects that are fun with my friends and that's why i want this movie to be i don't want this to be like a fucking smash hit i just want it to be like okay maybe next time somebody will give me two million dollars to make a movie so that because it was we had to do it all in like three weeks we were working like 16 under a million is it's a million sounds like a lot because it is a lot of money yeah but making a move a full-length feature film for a million dollars is fucking psycho yeah it sucked it was like and thank god i like

I wrote the movie with my friends so I knew my lines but I was like dude if this was somebody else's movie and I had to fucking like I just I just I was like this is too much work I don't remember I would not have remembered this fucking shit so yeah I just want to do yeah I just want to just make slightly bigger projects I never I don't really want to get like ultra famous that seems fucking annoying but this is fine just hang out

grill become my own grill master be in the uncle zone dude you know well maybe we'll it's that's that'll be like me soft testing whether i want kids like my brother is trying to you know have some kids uh my best friend just had a kid he's like two at this point so it's fun being like hanging out doing like re you know real life and realizing you know stand up and entertainment is and it doesn't make you feel good like even if you succeed you're like oh

Oh, this is cool, but my life sucks dick. You know what I mean? Like, I'm not happy. I mean, it's cool, but... Yeah, the... I've had too much brisket to get hard, so... Is it worth anything? The biggest career wins will not be as cool as just hanging out with your buddies. No, legit. Like, that is just, like, legitimately... Dude, last night... So, I'm about to leave for a while. One of my buddies is going to Australia for work. One of my buddies is going to Japan for a while. And so, we hadn't seen each other, and we just got together...

Got some steaks. And then we just started fucking... Like, honestly, it was like old Greek. We were all...

Three of us are Greek, one is Albanian, and it was all like old Balkan guys. We started watching VMA highlights. We're just watching the sexy girl singers. And just like getting like soft, like just an acceptable level of horny with your boys watching like fucking, I don't know, Carol G. Or like there was some new, a couple new bands. I don't know what their names, but those gals can carry a tune and dance. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

We ended up watching. And then we went back to the memory lane. We were watching, like, The Boy Is Mine from VMAs of our youth. And I remember, and we were just sharing, like, I was like, dude, I was a fat eight-year-old being like, they're singing about me. Like, pretending Monica and Brandi were like, like, I would just listen to that song and be like, yeah, hot girls will sing about me like this someday. Like, be pretending I was the object of their affection. But just doing that with the boys, so much better than...

He'll know eight-year-old Stavi. Yeah, I was a pretty fun little guy. I would love to know that guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think we would cause some mayhem. Absolutely. Are you kidding me? I know we would have wrecked it. I've seen your baby pictures, dude. Like, I've seen you as a little kid. Us together would be a big problem. We would have gotten into some trouble. Let's just say if we were at, like, a baptism with an open Shirley Temple and dessert bar.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. That was my first binge eating was going to a baptism or a wedding as a fat kid and being like, no one's going to stop me from getting dessert. There's just unlimited desserts on this table. I'm having seven pieces of pie, my friend. I would literally be sick from overeating pie. It was awesome. Dude, I recall the memory the other day of I was telling somebody about this. It might have been Chance. I was telling somebody that when I was a freshman in high school, they...

they needed someone to commentate the middle school football games. And they're like, I played for, I was on the football team and they were like, we do it. We didn't play at the same time. Oh yeah.

I was a nose tackle. Were you? I was your adversary. Oh. While you were protecting, I was trying to wreak havoc. Trying to get in there and cause some mess. Yeah. In the backfield. Trying to penetrate the pocket. Absolutely, dude. Dude, they had me commentate the middle school games in about, I would say, I had the job for two weeks. Mm-hmm. And then they came to me and were like, you're let go from this. Yeah.

And the reason is because I was being too colorful. Like I was being, I was like, I was like, Ooh, the wide receivers brought down by a gaggle of bulldogs on that one.

I literally remember Googling thesaurus. That's awesome. And trying to come up with different words for group and tackle. Wow. And two weeks in, they're like, it's just not what we need. That's crazy. Yeah. And so wait, it was the older kids games? No, it was the younger kids. Younger kids games. Yeah. Okay, okay, that's funny. Yeah, I was just up in the little booth at the high school. Yeah. No, you know, that is, I mean...

I remember kind of a similar thing where the first time I... In hindsight, you're like, oh, this is who I always should have been was there was like the talent show and I didn't want to be in it. I remember the year before, there was some drama. They kind of forced me and my boys. We're going to be the Backstreet Boys. And they forced this fucking loser into our group. And we tried to ice him out. And then they called our parents. So...

I was done with the whole, all the drama. You know what I mean? I was like, if I can't do it my way, I'm fucking out. Okay? A little diva. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Walking in sunglasses like, where's my rotisserie chicken? Sorry, do we just not, does the writer not mean anything anymore?

And so I wasn't in the talent show and they were like, we need someone to host it. And I hosted a talent show in like fourth grade and it was like an unreal buzz, dude. And I was truly like commenting, like kind of roasting people. And they were like, I was like, holy fuck, this is awesome. And I just, for whatever reason, as a little kid, then I'm like, no, I'm a jock now. I'm fucking cool.

cool you know what I mean for years I pretended I didn't want to do that shit but it's like you know like little I'm sure you were having a great time commentating up there in that booth dude oh I had a blast yeah and then same thing yeah I know you were playing football at Baltimore Polytechnic that's right wow I know you were clocked in someone set up Wikipedia hey I'm in there I know everything there is to know about Stavis

Yeah, dude. Same thing. I was like, I just want to be like – do you know what actually legitimately such a mindfuck for me was? My freshman year, I was playing football, and the JV and varsity guys all practiced together. I was so terrified leading up to the first summer of football because –

For summer, like two days, it was like everyone showers together afterwards. And I knew I was gay at this point. And I was like, it's going to be Boner City for this guy right here. The hottest guys in my school are all showering together and I have to be in there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or I have to be branded as like the most disgusting freak who got in his car sweaty and went home? Right, right, right. So I'm like, what is it? Are you going to be the guy who got a boner in the shower? Right. Or are you going to be like fucking Pigpen? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like disgusting little creature? Yeah, you're like, oh, I'm just thinking about chicks, guys. Yeah. Don't mind me. Don't mind me.

I was thinking about Caitlyn. I wish Caitlyn was here. I love her opinions on the world. Don't we all get off to her opinions on the world?

Don't we all have the same taste in music as Jessica? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I was so scared. And then I was like, fuck it. I just have to go take a shower because it's better to probably be rumored gay than disgusting. Of course, of course. And I went in there and immediately the first thing they do, they all get naked. And then they put on Greatest Hits by Cher. What? And sing along. What?

Like, ironically. Like, they were like, isn't it funny that we're listening to Cher? And I was like, in my head, I'm like, I don't know what I'm supposed to do because I love this song. Yeah. And then they're all, like, smacking. I'm not even kidding. Like, smacking each other on the ass. And I was like, they're touching each other naked singing Cher. Yeah, yeah. And I still believed in God at the time. And I was like, I legitimately am being, like, tested. Like, what are you going to do, brother? You're at a crossroads. One of them, like, shapeshifts into, like, a demon. You're like, join us, Caleb. Yeah.

Sing, share, and touch our asses. I was like, and I would love to. That sounds amazing. The hottest, like, I remember specifically three of the senior guys were like three of the hottest guys I'd ever seen in my life up to this point. So the JV and the varsity were all doing this at the same time? Small school. Oh, okay. Yeah, this graduating class was like 70. Okay, I got you. So we barely, a lot of the schools around us played eight man. Oh, wow. We barely had enough to have an 11 man team. So we got beat a lot.

But yeah, the hottest guys I've seen in my life up to this point, naked together, fucking running around like pinching each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listening to Cher, I was like, what is going on? And by the way, homophobic. Oh, yeah. So homophobic that it's like funny to be, like, they're like, we can't be gay. Literally. So we're going to do gay shit because we're not gay. I'll fucking fuck my friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You think I'm gay? Yeah.

It literally is that Mark Wahlberg bit in The Other Guys. Do you remember that? Where he learns how to dance ironically. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's just awesome at it. To make fun of gay people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's legitimate. They're good at singing Cher. It's a fun environment in there. I'm having a blast in the shower as a gay guy. It's so close to the Equinox steam room in there. It's one degree away from being that. The only difference is that, and by the way, some of those guys were fooling around for sure.

Not in there, but I know some of those guys were messing around. I hooked up with some of those guys. Hell yeah, dude. I know what was going on. So it's a happy ending. Well, it's not a happy ending. It's not a happy ending because the only difference is they're mean to you afterwards. Yeah, right, right. But you got a nut off. Listen, I know that's tough, but I didn't fuck at all in high school. So if I would have fucked a hot girl, then she would have called me a fat little pig. I would have been like, thank you. That's part of the bar. Turnabout is fair play. Exactly. Exactly.

All's fair, my queen. Absolutely, absolutely. Cost of doing business. I remember, this is very funny, because we had similar worries, but mine was just because I had a little uncircumcised penis. It wasn't about being gay. I was like, fuck, I hope we don't have to shower. These guys are fucking... And the guys walking around naked had truly some of the largest dicks I've ever seen in my life. Of course. They're the first ones to get undressed. Yeah, exactly. I was like, are we even like...

Are we the same type of person? Like, what is going on here? How is that possible how gigantic your dong is? But same thing where it was like some of those guys were like pretend, like would be over the top, like kind of pretending to be like, you know, smack each other's ass with towels and stuff like that as a bit. Yeah. But luckily Baltimore City, Baltimore City Public Schools, the showers were not up to code. So you like, I was like, fuck, I hope we don't have to do it. They're like, sorry, boys.

Showers are like lead infested. You drop to your knees and I was like, thank God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude. All the nervous changing I did like in gym, I was like, I don't want to have to do this. But thank God no showering for me. That was my out. You were out on that. Yeah. Thank God Baltimore is a shithole. Absolutely. Thank God our infrastructure is crumbling. Yeah.

Although we're on the way up, baby. Yeah, yeah. Ravens are almost beating the Chiefs every season at this point. Shut the fuck up! Fuck you! You piece of shit. I hate you. I hate Mahomes. I hate Kelsey.

For sure. God, fucking pieces of shit. That's crazy because I love Lamar Jackson. He's awesome. He's the best. He's cool. Yeah, he rocks. Don't fucking patronize me. Sorry, he does. I love Lamar, you fucking piece of shit. I'm not like you. I'm a bigger man. Oh my God, this is so annoying. Zay Flowers is my boy. He's cool. He's awesome. It's so fucking annoying. I'll never... Why'd you have to bring that up, man? Now I'm pissed off.

I was at that game, too. Last year? Last year, I was at the game. It was one of the worst moments of my life. You and my friend Jack Martin, both. Do you know Jack? I don't know Jack. Jack's an actor. He's great. He's a huge Ravens fan. Oh, cool. You guys should be connected. I love it. I'm going to get the boys together. Get us together. We're going to the same games. Get us together. He's watching you on screen holding a handgun or whatever the fuck. Yeah.

Whatever you're doing for that organization. I can't believe it. Shout out to the Ravens, man. Shout out to the Ravens. They have Stavi holding the fucking pistol on the big screen. Every time I see it, I'm like, can we get some regulation on this? Is there a network exec who cares about this at all? I love my city, dude. Baltimore rules, dude. It's so easy to be the most famous guy from Baltimore. Baltimore's like, who we got? We got a comedian with a switchblade. Should we put him on a billboard?

I know. I'm hoping the gun makes it into official team. At this point, is it not? No, it's just an unofficial meme amongst fans. I definitely did pitch. I literally pitched a bit with a switchblade. And they were like, no. No.

They're like, no. And they're like, you can say makeshift weapon. Like I had to like, I had to like fight them for how explicit I could be about the weapons I had. And even still, they're like, we do know that our fans are going to want to hear something about a weapon. Yeah. Yeah. You can say makeshift weapon. That'll get them going. I mean, the Ravens rock because they're like, look, for us, don't curse when it's official, but do whatever the fuck you want. Because it was just like, I cannot believe that they have embraced the bullshit I do online.

line. It's like the dumbest, most racist guy from Baltimore giving commentary on the games and they're like, yep, put him on the Jumbotron. Hey, free tickets for life, brother. This is our year, baby. We're going to put it together. You're going to crumble. I can feel it. Travis Kelsey, not even his head is in the game.

it well doing development deals he's getting ready for his fucking Amazon straight to fucking prime action movie career yeah okay he this heads not in the game I'm not gonna deny that thank you we all we need him to do is be a distraction have two people guarding him so that Hollywood Brown where she rice and fucking Xavier where you can it is it's so annoying that Hollywood also we drafted him I loved him as well he's got a great name if he catch a touchdown on us I will be pissed yeah I will take it out on you personally you're

Come to me. I'll come to you. And I just am rooting so... I don't want to even give you the satisfaction of telling you all this. I know. You don't have to say it. We know now. God damn it, dude. I'm such... They've turned me into a pure hater. I can't even...

demure at all. I want nothing but pain and suffering for the entire Chiefs organization. We had it. We went through it. I am rooting for the downfall. Yeah, but you got plenty. You got enough. Yeah. You got enough Super Bowls. That's the thing is everyone was willing to give us like one or two. First too great. That organization's been through a lot. First too great. If you win this year. Dude, I'm jealous that the Ravens have embraced you. I can't get the Chiefs to call me. They've got Rob Riggle doing everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're fucked. They got a lot of celebrity fans. They got a lot. The guy from Modern Family who's just you.

You? Eric. There's literally an older fucking version of you with a successful fucking family, wholesome career. You're fucked. Yeah, fuck you. That's what you get. Eric Stonestreet is a straight guy, first of all. Okay. Shout out, Eric, for heterosexuality. Thank you for your service, King. Yeah, but you know what I'm saying. Paul Rudd, Heidi Gardner, Jason Sudeikis. I know he's straight, but you know.

But, you know. They just, they got all these, they got all these. That's even, that's good. That's even more salt in the wound. Straight guy pretending to be gay gets all your fucking shine. Fuck you. Fuck you and the Chiefs. I'm so happy. I have personal, I have personal. Stolen valor. I'm taking personal fucking wins since I can't beat the organization. I just want you to suffer. Yeah.

You're trying to take me down on the podcast where you admitted that you ate too much pork to get head. Trying to take my stock down. I'm an open book, baby. You decided you were going to take me down after you tried to bond over not being able to get hard.

Honestly, you're a medical marvel, bro. I want to test your circulation. I want you on those machines with the fucking, you know, the thing. Like, I want to see you running. Like in a fucking movie. Yes, exactly. I got the shit hooked up to my chest. My titties are bouncing in the wind. We don't get it. He's fat as fuck, but his dick is hard. I've never seen anything like people taking their fucking glasses off. Like, well, this can't be right. Reboot the machine. Reboot the machine.

Sir, I've checked it four times. It's what it says. Oh my god. Oh shit. Do you have any idea what this means? Do you know what this means? They just have you fucking hooked up to a machine. They're injecting your stem cells into other fat guys. I make my own boner pills. Their scientists were so concerned with whether or not they could. Yeah. Didn't even consider it. Now every fat guy's hard. They're fucking menaces. You know what the DXL changing rooms are looking like? Yeah.

I don't like the way people in DXL talk to me. You don't like it? No. I love it. They talk to me like a chubby chaser on a dating app. See, you don't like it because maybe you've experienced that. As a straight man, I think it's nice. I like feeling coveted by them. I do get the vibe that they would f*** me off if I asked. For real.

Man or woman, by the way. By the way? Yeah, either one. They all project that vibe. If you see a skinny gay guy working at a DXL, let me tell you, brother, you could bust his walls down at any moment. You could take him in the stock room and have your way. He's not in there because he loves fashion.

He's not in there for a passion for cargo pants. Yeah, he doesn't want fucking... A catfish with the most pleats you've ever seen in your life. He doesn't just love Coca-Cola branded t-shirts. Okay? He's got an ulterior motive. Absolutely. Yeah, he doesn't love Nunn Bush dress shoes.

No, the only big and tall store I've ever felt comfortable in was in Paris. It was like a... Oh. Like, the one big and tall store in Paris, and I think it's called 6XL. Oh, yeah. Like, it's like XXXXXL. That's awesome. And it's a tiny little shop, like on the...

East Bank. Okay. But it's adorable. Mm-hmm. And I went there once because it was too cold in Paris and I hadn't packed a coat. Sure. And I was like, I got to find a coat in Europe for a fat guy. Good luck. This is the one store that exists. Truly. There's nothing else. People are coming in from Brussels. Basically. Yeah. Yeah. People are doing a fucking hajj pilgrimage to this place. Yeah.

Fat guys are like sweating through public transit on the fucking AM track, their version of the Eurostar. So I go in there and there's this older black lady, like a French lady, and she doesn't speak much English, but she could say Los Angeles, New York City, and beautiful at any size. Oh, beautiful at any size. And so she said New York, and I said Los Angeles, and she said Los Angeles, beautiful at any size. And

And then she just, I would try something on and she would go beautiful at any size. Awesome. And I loved that. That's great. I really connected with her. The language barrier. I got out a translator because I wanted to talk to her. And so I started putting things in the fridge and I'm like, best places to eat around here? Yeah. Where do your guys go? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you see guys come in here with takeout bags, where did they come from? You know?

We had a blast. Yeah. Me and her. You walk out of there and it's like, you know how when you touch a statue and it's like the points people touch is gold? Yeah, like before it's acid university. The sidewalk out of there just goes directly to every restaurant within four blocks. You just have to follow the path. There's like pavement beaten down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You follow to a croissant, to like just a

Burger King and fucking McDonald's. You know what I mean? I was going to say croissant nice try. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to a Taco Bell. You know, bakeries. That's a great place to be a fat guy in France. I'm in the bakeries. I'm in the boulangerie. Absolutely. I'm in there doing shit. Yeah, yeah. Checking things out. I love Paris. Yeah, I didn't like it so much, but I don't know. It's a little too... The fact they even have a...

Big and tall store actually surprised me. Yeah, it's not a fat friendly place. No, which is interesting because all their food is so Fattening yeah, it kind of makes you feel crazy. You almost feel gas lit. You do. How are you all eating butter every

Every day. Constantly. Steaks basted in butter. Baguettes with meats and cheeses and Gruyere cheese and all this kind of shit. And all of you are skinny. It's weird. It doesn't make sense. Some of my family, people either love or hate Paris, I've noticed. And a lot of fat people hate Paris. I love to conquer a place that doesn't want me. I love to feel like I've exerted my will over a city. The city hates fat people. Absolutely. I love to walk around as a jolly fat American. Yes, yes, yes. I say howdy to people. Yeah.

I like them to know that I'm enjoying myself. I respect that. I say, howdy, y'all. I like them to know I'm exerting my will over Paris. Yeah, interesting. I'm having a good time in there. Yeah. Slavi, I have a question for you. Please. Big question on the pod. Absolutely. Name of the show. Yes. What's so true to you? Ooh. What's something that's so true to you lately? What's a hill you would die on recently?

Very interesting. Wow. It's very rare that you do a podcast and it becomes clear you haven't ever watched a whole episode of it. You know, you've got it. This is sort of like your little test to see. I've watched some. Hey, it's no worries, brother. If you think I'm sitting through a full Stobbies world...

Yeah, after about 26 minutes in your apartment. Trust and believe I'm moving on to music videos. How dare you? It's in beautiful Santorini, Greece. Everyone can tell. It's on location. What is so true to me? Yeah, what's on your mind? You know, we kind of talked about it a little bit in London, but what is so true, unfortunately, is that all the advice people tell you about feeling better and getting healthier...

is just true. You always want a little secret. You always want a little something, but it's like, eat a couple more veggies. Go on a walk. Go on a fucking walk. Drink a glass of water. Work out every... I was sick this week and I couldn't work out. I feel atrocious. I want to work out. I want to go lift weights in a way that you used to want to do drugs, but it's good for you. And it's just...

It's both freeing, but it's also like, ah, fuck, there really is no secret. It's a nightmare. You just kind of have to constantly sort of work at it. Yeah. And that, unfortunately, is very true. This is a somber so true. Oh, it's one of the saddest we've had. I never expected it from someone I trust so much. I packed fucking salmon and broccoli after this. Yeah. You know, if I had my ways about me, I'd have a nice little lunch here in Manhattan, but

Just going to fucking get my Omega 3s and eat some broccoli and go about my business. I think touring taught me this as well because I would – I'd be like, oh, let me grab some Thai for lunch or something. And then my stomach hurts so bad that I don't want to do the show. Yeah. Yeah, you know what would have been smart? A fucking salad and some grilled chicken. You idiot. You're like a fucking child. It's like I'm home alone. Yeah. You know? Yeah, absolutely. Just have a salad. Truly, like two years ago, I started like –

When I feel depressed, start truly just working through my little list of, I'm going to call someone I haven't talked to in a while. I'm going to have a glass of water and go on a walk. And it enrages me that it works. It sucks that it works. 20 minutes into the walk, I'll be so blissful, and I'll catch myself being blissful, and I'll be like, you idiot.

Yeah, I know. This is what you needed? I know, dude. I've been sober this year, too. Like, I was just like, that helps. I've been taught, you know, call my family. That's good. All that shit's good for you. That's nice, it turns out. It's nice to do that. Yeah, dude. So, yeah, unfortunately, you just got to do a bunch of boring bullshit, and it's good, and it feels good. That is so true. Yeah.

Thank you, man. Thank you for saying that. Hey, that was beautiful, brother. Here's the thing. It's important within the plus side. And this is just only fat people listen to this part, by the way. Yeah. Let's rewind. I don't have thin fans. Okay, great. Put that because this is sort of like we could talk amongst ourselves. Yeah. Vegetables actually are good for us.

Polite company. Polite company. It's like, yeah, but I don't want to enthuse the people that smile when they see you go to the gym, the people that tear up when they see you on a fucking elliptical. This ain't for you. Get out of here. Okay? Stop praising us because we're at the fucking gym. We're just going to do that. But yes, it's important that within the community we admit to ourselves. It's great to be... I love being a plus-size king. I would never trade it for anything, but...

I feel a little better now that I've been eating vegetables for six months. All things in balance. All things in balance, yeah. All things in balance. Yeah, absolutely. Maybe we don't need to eat a critical mass amount of brisket.

Yes. I think that part of my life is over, actually. Yeah, I started actually ordering the right amount at steakhouses. And the first time I measured out how much of a ribeye you're supposed to eat, I was in tears. I grilled the most beautiful ribeye you've ever seen in your life, and I was like... And then I was like, all right, six ounces. I was like, this is how much? And it was like, I cut it once. I was like...

Okay. I had to cut it three, like it was in thirds was the appropriate amount and it was a devastating realization. But you know what? I didn't wake up in the middle of the night sweating after eating the whole fucking thing. You know what I mean? So I've been eating, you know, that amount. Just, you can still have what you like, but maybe just the amount you should. Dude,

One of my all-time favorite treats is, because I'm on the same wave that you're on, honestly. I'm eating less. I'm moving more. I'm not trying to lose weight. I'm chilling on that. But I am just trying to feel good all the time, whatever that means. But one of my favorite things, specifically when I'm in Kansas City, and specifically if my friend Kevin is in town as well,

is I like to get a little bit high, like two hits of a joint. Love that. Just the tiniest, like a highness has like wafted over me. I love that. Yeah, I love that. And go to Texas Roadhouse and order a big ass steak and some fucking green beans and mashed potatoes and a sweet tea. And the last time I went in there to do this, I got a little too high. I did like two too many hits. So I'm like,

I'm like buzzing walking into the Texas Roadhouse. And one of the fattest guys I've ever seen yelled out and was like, Caleb Heron? Brother! You mind if I get a pic? And I was like, yeah, man. If he posted the picture, he didn't tag me in it, but the picture of me had to be like... It's like scared and starving.

And then my server, so then it kicked off a whole thing where the server was like, so what, are you famous or something? And I was like, no, no, that's an old friend. And she was like, no, it's not. And I was like, God damn it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I have to have a rapport. And I usually love a rapport, but keep in mind, I'm like clinically high. So high. Yeah. All you want is your fucking New York strip. I want a fucking, yeah, I want a ribeye and some A1 sauce. Oh, A1. So I can go to town. You fucking.

I'll eat it with Heinz 57. Don't think I won't. Stop it, man. Come on. You're better than this. I'm not. Once every month or two, I'll go in there and do a little damage at the TX Roadhouse. Yeah. I'd like to... I just...

I still eat the same way, but I'm like, it's just a better version of the trash I used to eat. I guess respect for you for still delving into those depths. I do. I'd say probably every two months, I go in there and just really tip a hat to the old me. Absolutely. I say, hey, brother. Maybe it's just that Texas Roadhouse was not important to me. Maybe I need to check out a Chili's. We were a Chili's family. Yeah. A triple dipper? Yeah. Nothing.

Honey Sprout with Chicken Crisper Southwest Egg Rolls Some sliders Oh yeah You think I'm not The Skillet Queso at Chili's I remember that Swap That was a big moment for me When I got the nerve To order a New York strip Yeah Because that was my father's order Yeah And I was like Today I was like It was like a moment where it was like You know everything stops And we kind of wait to see if my dad will allow it And he's like

He gives me a solemn nod. Yeah. That's a fat bar mitzvah. True. That's when your dad lets you order a ribeye and chilies for the first time. He goes, he excuses himself to the bathroom, cries in the mirror. My boy is finally a man. No more chicken tenders. He asks you to get a job the next week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was already working with him. I was a horrible employee. What were you doing? My dad's a carpenter, so he was just like, I was just like,

I would help him I would sweep I would help him move shit but I was mostly just like watching Martin in his little the TV that like you had to calibrate still it was like the way you did on radio it was like a shitty antenna TV and I would be like oh yeah I'm gonna go get a drink and I would just watch full episodes of Martin until he was like where the fuck are you

And I would just chill in the bathroom. The bathroom was, like, kind of far away, so I would just, like, take a magazine and just, like, read in the bathroom until he caught me. I was so bad at being an employee. Dude, one of the best things that ever happened to me in a workplace ever, I don't know why that story made me think of it, was one of the office jobs I had in Chicago where I was an admin assistant. There was this guy that I worked with. I won't say his name.

but we'll call him Jay. Jay Leno. Jay Leno. I'm going for Jay Leno. Yeah. Sleeping. Sleeping out back for stage time at the advertising firm. This guy, Jay, I fucking loved this guy and he was like, I wouldn't say he's gullible, but when he got, he ended up getting scammed. Ooh.

And when he got scammed, no one was like, oh, they got Jay. Everyone was like, yeah. And he basically, our CEO emailed him and said, Jay, I need you to run to the store right now and get me $2,000 of Google Play gift cards. Oh, my God. My company card is missing. I'll reimburse you. Insanity. And so he ran out and got $2,000. Didn't run that by anyone. Nope. I was like, hey, have you guys heard from Ted? Yeah. He's being kind of weird over email. Yeah, I got an email from Mitch, and he needs me to...

He needs me to run and get Google Play gift cards. I don't know. And he did. He got the Google Play gift cards. And then everyone, he had the receipt was like this long. And Janan, the head admin assistant, walked around with the receipt to everyone and was like, did you guys hear what Jay did? Like truly was like showing the receipt to everyone.

It was awesome. Oh, poor Jay. So then we had to try and find creative ways to use these Google Play gift cards and like rewards for our... Oh, really? Yeah, we had to do something with them. Yeah. We had $2,000. Damn, that's crazy. They weren't going to leave Jay on the hook. That's a nice company. Yeah. I was 100% assuming Jay was fucked. I was like, well, sorry, Jay. Yeah, I don't know. Dip into that college fund for your kid. I don't know, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Find a grocery store that accepts Google Play. Sure.

Yeah, you better strike a deal with your landlord. We're not covering that. Oh, my God. Well, Stav, it was so good to have you, brother. Dude, thank you so much. Is there anything you want to tell the people? Just October 25th.

Let's Start a Cult comes out. And then it'll probably be a couple weeks after that. Go see it in theaters if you can. And then we're going to figure out some, you know, it'll probably be up for rent a couple weeks after that. But yeah, that's pretty much it, man. I got a tour at some point. I'll announce that after the movie. And I'll be on the road in 25, a bunch. But find me on the internet, Stavi Baby. Stavi Baby 2. That's it, dude. Follow Stavi everywhere. We love you. Thanks for coming in, dude. Thank you. Love you, brother.