Mary Beth Barone Loves Mad Men
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A lot of people could handle it and just be like smiling the way that I am, ear to ear. The way you spread joy despite having so many demons is very inspiring. Thank you. I'm very proud of you. I just want to show that it's possible. Anything is possible. I mean, you think about it, the word impossible in itself, it says right there, I'm possible. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

And speaking of beautiful, Mary Beth Barone, what's going on with you? I'm so happy. I can't believe we're here. I'm just happy. I'm happy. This felt like, so I'm trying to reframe things in my head mentally instead of being like, oh, that's something I have to do. Like this feels like something I get to do. Right. This is exciting for me. So what you're telling me, just so I can be clear, is that you had to employ at least one, if not several, mental device tricks to be excited to be here. No.

That's what, that's kind of what you're saying. That's not what I said. This is classic gay guy. You're twisting my words. I said, welcome to the show. And you said, thank you. I'm trying to be excited about things. No, I'm like, this is one of the things I get to do. I didn't have to convince myself, but it's just nice to have that like internal monologue. You probably wouldn't know anything about that. No, don't have one. It's totally empty up here. It's empty up here. The only thing up here is gay sex. Yeah, clearly. You know me.

No, I do know what you mean. I'm really working on that as well. It's hard. Like everything, a lot of things that I feel like I actually actively pursued, I then don't want to do when it comes time to do it. Honey, you're going to find a friendly ear with me on every time on this topic. I have constantly said on this podcast and elsewhere, you could, if I have anything on my calendar, I don't want to do it.

Even if it's exciting, fun, and cool. If it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. It could be a day on my calendar called Dreams Come True Day, where all my dreams come true, and I'd be like, I'm telling them I have COVID. I just want to watch Mad Men, actually. Rewatch Mad Men. I already watched it twice, at least, the whole way through. And I'm in the process of that right now. So I am happy to be here. But I want to say, too, on the subject of not wanting to do things that you yourself have planned, every single time I have to perform live...

I'm talking to someone about how much I don't want to do it. And I scheduled the show. I sold tickets. I invited people to come. Yeah, begged. Begged even. Hoped that they would come. Yeah. Like really was like, if my shows don't sell out fast enough, then it's, like even if it sells out on the day of, I'm like,

well, I hope you're ready to go get a real job. Well, these are some fake fans. Yeah, wow. What a nice audience I've built. You didn't really jump on that. Yeah, whoa. I'm glad we waited just to see if something better came up. Yeah. What I like to do is if I have shows like an early show and a late show, if the late show sells out faster, I berate the early show. Yeah. I'm like, so you...

I mean, I guess you guys didn't care that much about coming. Yeah, I couldn't have gotten on the first one. Hmm. Damn. Now, I really do. I need to work on my not wanting to do things. It's really tough. Because actually, I do want to do things. I don't want a life where I do nothing. Well, I want things to be done. Can I tell you something? In every single timeline of every single universe from 10,000 miles away, I knew you were a girl who watches Mad Men. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

In every single universe. Let's unpack that. I knew you were a Mad Men girl. I just love it. I know. It's escapism. It's one of my favorite time periods. The fashion, the characters. I mean, God, it's just, it's sex. It's capitalism. It's commerce. Yeah. And I just knew. I just said Mary Beth is a Mad Men girlina. I am. What do you guys call yourselves? Mad Menistas. Oh, my God.

We're Madminiacs. We love the show. There's different factions, yeah. But I mean, yeah, I would love to know what it says about me that I watch Mad Men. Well, you're very stylish. You know, I just said about you when you were going to the restroom, I said, you know what I hate about Mary Beth? I said this to everyone in the building. I said out in the common area, I said, you know what I hate about Mary Beth? The fact that she can make a t-shirt and jeans look so chic. Really? Because I had a huge outfit regret on my way here. You look incredible. Thank you.

This has always been the thing I've said about, I do find myself to be hot, but I'm hot in a way where it requires some level of creativity. Everyone has to have a certain politics and a certain level of buy-in. My hotness is in certain rooms you can convince people.

But the thing about me and traditionally hot people is if I wear a t-shirt and jeans, I look like I'm going to clean someone's gutters. You are wearing a t-shirt and jeans right now. No one would ever clean gutters in Birkenstocks. Well, no. Can I say that? The Birkenstocks probably on the camera. That would be downright dangerous. I just, frankly, everything that thin people do, you can, thin beautiful people can do it in a way where it's chic and it's giving vogue and it's giving cover girl. And I do it in a way where it's like, uh-oh, Kevin James just got home from work and King of Queens, you know? And now he's shifted into casual. Ha ha!

He wants to take a load off with his wife, Leah Remini. Yes, that's all he wants in the world. Former Scientologist Leah Remini. Former Scientologist Leah Remini, who is getting a divorce, sadly. I don't know if you saw. Oh.

I watched her reality show. A lot of people don't remember. She had like a special on VH1 about her wedding. Yeah. That's when I fell in love with her. Really? I do love her. I wonder if this is the same marriage or a different marriage. You know, you never know in Hollyweird. In Hollyweird. Well, I've always said this. I said this on my podcast as well, which we don't have to talk about, but gay guys will get engaged to anyone and celebrities will have a baby with anyone. And I feel like that's really come out of the, just,

Just, I guess, throwing caution to the wind because it used to be that celebrities would marry anyone. But now they've taken it a step further and they're having children. They'll just have kids anywhere. You're bound for life. Any old where. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't know you had a podcast. Yeah. I frankly don't know what you do. Most people don't. Yeah. I didn't know what you do. I was like, this girl is a lot of fun. I like her vibe. Well, I'm an Apple baby. Are you? Yeah. My dad's a doctor and my mom's a nurse. Right. Yeah. So you're... I have deep Hollywood ties. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, the Connecticut medical...

to Brooklyn alt slash mainstream comic pipeline. That's very well studied. It's linear. There's a Wikipedia page about it. Not only did you grow up in Connecticut, doctor, dad, nurse, mom, okay, which is obviously inappropriate, but I'm not going to go into that. Abuse of power. Abuse of power. But that's none of my business. You have 17 siblings. There are six of us. Yeah. That's a lot. Yeah, it's pretty overwhelming. Where are you in the order? Guess. Youngest. Thank you. Yeah.

If you had said anything else, I would have walked out. Can I tell you something? And knocked the camera over on my way. Can I tell you something? What? In every universe, in every timeline, from 10,000 miles away, I would have known that you were a youngest child. What?

That means the world. I feel like you know me so well. I really wear my heart on my sleeve. I am who I am through and through. No tricks. And that's why people can make these, like they can deduce these things about me. They call you Mary Beth No Tricks Barone. Truly. There's no tricks. There's no tricks except that my name is Mary Elizabeth. And a lot of people don't know that. I've always hated that.

Because every time I want to see you, I go, Mary Elizabeth. Like, I have to bring that back to, you know. Because I don't want to ruin your brand. Well, I don't respond to Mary Elizabeth. Right. Well, unless it's your parents. Unless it's my parents. They haven't called me that in a while, though. I haven't gotten into trouble in a long time. Congratulations. You got what I mean by that.

No, but I'm so proud of you. I haven't been reprimanded in a while by anyone. You're an adult. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's what, that's the indicator. It's not about paying my own rent or having a place or getting a dog. It's like, I haven't been reprimanded in a long time. I actually just got reprimanded. Tell me. I would love to. I was meant to go to dinner. I was meant to go to dinner and it was in Williamsburg and it was about a

It was an hour walk from me or it was an 18 minute bike ride. Okay. Something of that nature. And so I said, well, I was. That's crazy. Right. Can we talk about how crazy that is? Can we talk about that? An hour to walk. Distance is something I'll never wrap my head around. It makes little to no sense to girls like you and me.

And I said, it was one of those things where you get ready early and you're like, do I just rot on the couch until I order a car at the last minute and inevitably I'm five minutes late for no good reason? And so I was like, I'm going to grab my book that I'm reading. I'm going to get on a bike. I'm going to bike over to the neighborhood. I thought you were going to. You've seen people read books on a bike in New York, surely. No, I have not. I have. No. Yeah.

God. The confidence of an obviously heterosexual man, white man, reading a book while riding a bike. Crazy. And then, I'm not kidding you, this is going to sound made up. One time I saw someone riding a bike, reading a book, and eating a banana. No hands. What?

And you know what? He's probably in Congress now. That's how it goes for men. That's sick. That's how it goes for men. He failed up. God, that makes me sick with rage. I'm sorry. But anyway, I was like, I'm going to go to a cafe near the restaurant. I'm going to read my book and have a little night coffee to get me going for this dinner. I couldn't possibly imagine how this takes the turn of you canceling dinner. Or getting, I'm just assuming you cancel, but it could be different. No, it's even crazier. Wow.

So I go to this little cafe, which shall not be named, but it looked cute. And they sometimes have live music. And you know me. I love to be around live music. You just listed off a few concerts you're going to just in the next month. Yeah, next week, in fact. Whoa. I do love live music. And so I was like, oh, there'll be some live music. How fun will that be? I go into the cafe. I order a coffee. And of course, the barista recognized me. That's just something that happens in my life. If there's a gay barista, they know my work. OK? So I'm feeling it instantly. Yeah.

At home in the cafe. I'm thinking they're going to give me a – they're going to really put their effort into my latte. Roll out the red carpet. Right. A little bit. And so I give – of course, I give them a good tip. And then I'm listening to the live music over by the counter and there's a show going on. Somebody's singing. And this guy looks at me watching the music and he goes – and so I walk over to him and he goes, you need to pay if you're listening to the music. And I go, oh, I'm not going to stay for the show. I'm waiting on a coffee. I'm going to read my book over there in the like cafe part.

And he goes, no, if you're listening to music, you need to pay the cover. And I was like, okay. At first, I was annoyed, but I was like, actually, maybe it would be nice to sit over here. And I do... He was like, the money goes to the artist. And I was like, well, I do want to... And who the hell is he, by the way? By the way. He's working the... He's the warden of the coffee shop. Well, by the way. And so I go... Fascism. Fascism is here. It's not going anywhere. And let me tell you something, Mary Beth. What? Democracy dies in darkness. And...

So I said, okay. So I was like, you know, I'll pay it. And I pay the cover. Now, mind you, I'm sure you're clocking this. I'm being in this moment one of the most generous people to ever live. Because I could have told the guy to go fuck himself. Yeah. And sat where I wanted to sit. But I thought, oh, how nice am I? I'm going to pay for the artist. You're a proprietor of the arts. I'm a proprietor of the arts. And I'm a nice guy. And so then I pay. And before he...

removes the little, you know, thing to let me walk through because there's like a barrier. A rope? Kind of. It's not doing much. No, it's not. I could have walked right through it. By the way. Yeah. But before he does, he turns me to another woman and she goes, there's a $10 spending minimum and your coffee was only $6.

This is in Brooklyn in New York City, America, USA. Brooklyn, New York City, USA, planet Earth. I could not believe. Charlatans. Oh my God. Charlatans. And I said, hey, on that $6 coffee, I tipped $6. I tipped 100%. She goes, yeah, but that doesn't count towards the tab. That just goes to the barista.

To be a fly on the wall for this interaction. Because I just, like, what did you say? I said, I'm not buying another thing. I'm not staying long. And she said, well, there's a minimum. I said, keep the cover. I'm leaving. And I took my coffee to go. And the barista literally, as she handed it to me, my fan, mind you, she hands me the coffee and she goes. Yeah. Well, it falls on her. Well, she should have done something. As my fan.

I need. Step in. I need. Can you tell me the name and then we'll bleep it? We, me part of the producing team. Yeah, yeah, we. Well, when I'm in the edit. We'll bleep it. It was called, I actually like, or something like that. Okay. It was actually really cute. I just never want to go there. Yeah. Well, don't go.

You'll be extorted if you go. I'm wondering. That's racketeering. That's racketeering. There should be a Rico charge on the whole building. The guy with the rope, the woman behind the counter. And I'm sorry to implicate her because she's a fan. The barista is obviously part of it. Your silence is deafening. Your silence is deafening and you let a queer...

a queer guy be discriminated against? A member of the LGBTQ. Wow, pride's really over, I guess. Yeah, so I guess June is long in the past and long forgotten. What the heck? I couldn't believe it. And this is supposed to be New York City, mind you, where gay guys invented all kinds of things. Culture, for one. Like sex and books. Namely music. Music we invented. Cafes. Gay guys did invent cafes. And they also invented tap to pay. But you know what? Gay guys also invented scamming.

And that's where it all comes home to roost. Whoa. Are you crying? I have a tear. I knew that. Because that was pretty profound. So one of six, huh? Yeah.

I have more questions. So I want to know what the musician was doing in this time and also how many other people were there? Did anyone witness this? Were you the sole audience member? Four. Potential audience member. Oh, there was a big audience watching actually. I was really quite happy for the band. I want to say there were four very cool, very disaffected people sitting next to me when it was happening that couldn't have been more than 22 years old. Okay.

So they don't even know how to read or count or do anything. Drive, forget it. Drive, forget it. They got dropped off. They got dropped off. Probably by their rich parents, I'm guessing. And so they were there and they didn't care about my situation. They couldn't look upon my plight and feel empathy for me. It's troubling. It is troubling. One, it's where we're headed. This whole damn country is going to hell.

Well, I hate to bring it back to capitalism, but I blame capitalism. How do you feel about capitalism? Prower Khan. Well, I'm against it, except when it benefits me. It's working for you, though. You're doing well. I would say it's tough. It's a tough spot. It's what I was raised on. And I feel like I didn't understand how it was like...

like, democracy, society, everything until, like, the last few years. Yeah. So it's been really hard to grapple with. It's also tough because I do understand why people hate capitalism, but it's at this point kind of like my... It's, like, kind of like my comfort system of economics. Well, I can't really imagine anything else. Yeah, it's just like... It's like an old blankie to me or something where I'm like, oh...

I love that one. Well, you know that I'm a blankie girl. You are a big blankie girl. I love my blankie. That was the name of your first half hour, right? Yeah, it was blankie girl. It was Mary Beth Byrne blankie girl. But people kept spelling it wrong. Blankie is B-L-A-N-K-I-E. Thank you. I was terrified you were going to say E-Y. E-Y. That's weird. That's freak shit. Horrifying. I don't like that. And frankly, fascism. It is.

It all comes back to that. Because democracy dies in the dark. In the dark. I wasn't sure if it was in darkness or in the dark. Fuck. What do you say? It's absolutely in darkness. It's absolutely in darkness. Did you see? Because I have listening comprehension. Yeah. I remember everything people say to me. Yeah. Do you? Yeah. You are a terrifying individual because you have a calmness and a wit about you that I said something similar to Bob the Drag Queen on this show. I do fear the day that you ever turn on me. I would never. I only want you on my team.

And thank you for acknowledging that because I can be a very powerful antagonist when deployed as such. Well, I'm always doing, I'm always doing math. I'm always doing, there's a lot of social politics going on. My brain is very busy. Yeah. And so just keep that in mind whenever I'm interacting with anyone. When, whenever you consider crossing me, I have predicted the future because of how perceptive I am. I'm not kidding. Tell me one example.

It's just going to be hard for me without going into detail. I think this is a space where you can. We have microphones and cameras set up specifically for this. I predicted that someone was going to cheat on their partner, and I was right.

Because of perception only, not because I had talked to the person. Yeah. It was just based on perception. Can I tell you that for a second before I realized that you were hiding identities to be a good person, I thought you were being like, I predicted that cheating would occur somewhere in the world and it did. Like I thought you were just being like, I, you know what I mean? Like you were gonna be like, I predicted someone would evade fair and they apparently they did. It just happened. Yeah. It actually just happened. Um, whoa, you predicted cheating on the partner. Yep. Yeah.

I, yeah, I predict a lot of, I can predict a lot of relationship dynamics before they head that direction. Yeah. All it takes is one weird glance at a dinner and I'm like, I see the divorce playing out. Yeah. And it's just like picking up on things and this is something straight men just don't have. It's just a, it's like an internal, I don't know, I guess it's, it's on the genome or something.

Well, it's an awareness of other people. Yeah. Yeah. It's a single second of thinking about another person that evades many straight men. Do you hang out with straight guys? A lot. Why? A lot. Because you do a podcast? Yes. Because I podcast. And straight men are useful people to have around because if you can get them guilty enough about their position in the world, like straight white guys particularly, and God, if they come from money, if you can get them good and guilty about their position in the world, you can get them to do pretty much anything. You can get them to do pretty much anything. Rake your yard.

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I hadn't hung out with a straight guy other than my immediate family until I started dating a straight guy. And he had a bunch of straight male friends, but they're British, so it's a little bit different. Right. So I, and then of course filming Overcompensating, there were several straight actors on the show and I was exhausted. It was an exhausting practice. Yeah. But it made me a better person. Yeah. You're better for it. I am better for it. Well, and British people is so fun because they say words you don't expect.

And that you've never ever heard. They'll call soccer footy or something like that. They'll call it footy. Oh, how lovely. They'll call your house the gaff. Yes. How fun. Partying, you're out on the sesh. You're out on the sesh. Yeah, you're not in an apartment. You're really in many ways in a flat. In a flat. Yeah. When you think about it. That's so fun. Yeah. I almost wonder why we left them.

I think it was capitalism or something. Yeah, something. Something like that. Something like that. They have no concept of the Revolutionary War, which is something I love. It's sort of like how they don't teach us about Vietnam here. Yeah. Because we lost. Yeah, they're just not thinking about it. Well, they're just like, what would this really do for us to reflect upon? So they never heard of the Boston Tea Party. That's crazy.

I had some fun with that one. That's crazy. Also, my big theory, a gay guy thought of the Boston Tea Party. Absolutely. They're like, how do we hit him where it hurts? Let's put their fucking tea in the ocean. And some gay guy was like, dump that tea, honey. Just dump it overboard. We'll laugh about it. You are comfortable speaking on gay men. Well, that's because I hang out with them so much. Well, you hang out with one. I hang out with many. All of them.

All of my closest friends are gay guys. It's just Benny in different wigs. It's just Benny in different wigs. He takes on many personas. Yeah. Oh, God, does he ever. I have some stand-up about this now, because I do have a lot of jokes about gay guys. It's only because I'm around them all the time, but also I grew up with a gay uncle, and so my relationship with the gay male community, he's still alive. Thank you. Yeah. I'm not thinking he's gone. I'm just proud of you. Just for people that can't see this, you put your hand out to hold mine. Yeah. He's still with us, Uncle Greg. He's still with us.

I didn't think he was dead. I just wanted to thank you for your service because so many girls do have a hesitancy around having a gay uncle. It's insane to me. They don't have a gay uncle. It's brought so much to my life. Yeah. What did he teach you? Well, that being gay is a thing. Yeah. So that's number one. Which I could have been in the dark on for a really long time. Yeah. He also starts all of his texts to me with, hey diva, which can be very powerful. And he's right. Very powerful. Yeah. And he's right because you are a diva. I am. And also, you shouldn't be in the dark about gay.

You shouldn't be in the dark about gay. Also, he is like kind of a bitch sometimes. Well, of course. Which has given me a lot of permission in my life to do the same. Yeah, I see that for us. And I also think, you know, gay people used to be interesting.

So many of these new model gays are not interesting. Well, they're NPCs. They're NPCs. Non-playable characters. But we need NPCs to fill out the world, so I'm not mad. Yeah. They're just like these gay people. They're just gay in a way that I'm like, you didn't get the kind of gay I got where you have like opinions and taste. You got the kind of gay where it's like you actually do just enjoy a certain kind of sex.

And we need people like that. For sure. They help keep the economy. Someone has to pay the rent in Hell's Kitchen. They're buying concert tickets. They're paying rent in Hell's Kitchen. Absolutely. They keep Charlie XCX in skirts. And thank God. Yes, thank God. Thank God. Keep that woman in tattered skirts. She's beautiful and talented. She is. And I want to say there's no group that has a higher volume of NPCs than...

bisexual women. So I just want to make sure that everyone knows that I also can recognize I hold the mirror up to society, but that's my job. And I just want to say that I know within my community, there's a lot of NPCs too. So bisexual, what is that all about? How do you split up the time? Are you doing open? Um, yeah. I mean, bisexual, it's, it's a vibe. Okay.

For many, many people, it's a vibe. I'm practicing. You're practicing. There's practicing bisexuals and then there's non-practicing. Right. And the non-practicing, I am kind of like, well, then eat a... or don't. That's kind of what I've been on. But it's hard because you don't want to police people's sexualities, but I do. Yeah. I love policing everything. I want to police. I think we should have...

The police are going about it all wrong. We don't need to police people like trying to jump the turnstiles. We should be policing women who claim to be bisexual who have never eaten or touched a vagina that wasn't their own. Right. I want to police things not with like a baton and a gun, but with like a harsh little comment.

And I think you do. And I think that's beautiful. That's beautiful. It's a lot more than the cops do now. What do they do now? New York City cops. They rake in the money. Park in the bike lane and play Candy Crush on their phone. They do. These motherfuckers. Oh my God. Don't get me started on how I would restructure the police in the city. Because then I know the podcast is only 90 minutes. Yeah. And honey, we would cut it anyway. Because we do get a lot of money from the police to run this show. I actually knew that. They do. They fund it. They fund the So True podcast conglomerate. And I'm happy to have the cash.

I bought many properties off of it. Well, you're a property owner. Well, I am. How do you feel about being a property owner? Great.

Great. Yeah, no qualms about it at all. No qualms. Well, you don't have people rent your house, right? I don't, but you know what's funny is they probably will come. I'm very involved in the tenant union. It's like my big thing. And my friend runs it. And so we have a lot of conversations about, you know, I do often float to her. I'm like, hey, we need good landlords, right? Like that's part of the movement. And she's like, yes, but not really something you need to do. Like I'm always floating kind of like if I did buy a multifamily unit and rent it out as a source of income.

What would that look like? I feel like if you do it but you're not like gouging people, then it keeps prices down or something. Sure. I bet there is some. I bet there is some. Like you're not making a huge profit or something. Yeah. If I'm just being quaint about it. If you're being like cute. Yeah. If it's like adorable. Yeah. If I like paint it nice and I'm like, you guys come hang out here and throw me some cash. And when things are broken, you fix them and all that stuff. Right. Et cetera, et cetera. Yeah.

Well, that would be more than a lot of landlords do. Most of them are just criminals. I actually do – I do want to run for office at some point on a very specific and hateful agenda. Like I want to run – I want to say like realtors, like realtors, the broker's fees, real estate brokers who take a fee to get someone an apartment, you'll be jailed. Oh, for sure. If you take a broker's fee to help someone find an apartment to rent, enjoy prison. It's where you're going. No, all the drug offenders should be –

let out. They're getting out. It obviously goes without saying. Realtors in. A lot of people who work in real estate are going into prison when I get into power. The biggest thing that makes me feel like we're in a simulation is how many realty offices there are, how many realtors there are, and how many properties they have in the window. Who's buying all these? How are there that many? What? And how are there so many realtors? What are you guys doing? It's like mattress stores. Oh my god. Front for what?

Front for what? What's being fronted? I need to talk about corruption in the mattress industry really quick. Go for it. So if you buy a mattress from one of these little startups, these cutesy little startups, speaking of cutesy, they'll be like, you have 100 days. If you don't like it, you could return it. Right. Well, guess what? If you don't like it within 100 days, they say, we'll refund you and you keep the mattress. What the fuck am I going to do with a mattress that I don't want to sleep on?

So then I have to dispose of it or put it on free cycle, which I did. But there's like 50,000 mattresses go into landfills every day in America or something like that. Yeah. I don't remember exactly, but it's high. Yeah. And I just think it's like those mattress companies should pick it up and bring it to like a shelter or something so it can be passed on. I don't want to contribute to the landfills, but like don't trick me into thinking that like I'm not...

It's fucked up. It's fucked up. It is. It's fucked up. Let me tell you a mattress story. Please. I went into a mattress firm when I moved to New York because I needed to get – I brought a mattress, my mattress from LA, my like nice mattress. But then I needed a mattress for my guest room. OK? Sorry I have a guest room. Apologize more. Sorry. I literally am sorry. I know that's fucked up. It's just how things are right now. And don't worry. If things start going bad, I'll have to rent that room out. Hey, enjoy it. Enjoy it. Hey, have fun with that. People are starving.

But they're not starving in my guest room because I went to a mattress firm to get them a mattress. I walk in, five guys sitting at computers. No one wants to hop up and help. Oh, I mean retail in general. I want to hear the rest of the story. We had to talk about retail. So no one wants to help. So I walk back to where they're all five milling on their computers and I go, hey, fellas. Hey.

Looking for a mattress. You know, thinking something will spark like a trigger in them that they'll go, oh, yes, I work at the mattress store. Perhaps I can help you. No such luck. These fucking guys, they go, what's your budget? I tell them my budget and they go, we don't have anything for that. And I go, okay, thank you. And I go to leave and they go, well, hold on.

And I go, what could there possibly be to say? And they go, well, we can try to get you down. So then – Oh, I didn't know you could haggle mattresses. Well, you can. But when they said they have nothing at all, I was like, oh, you must not even be in the range. So then they try to give me a mattress for $400 more than what I said my budget was. And I go, hey, whether or not I have that money, I'm not spending it here today on a mattress. No. I'm here to get a mattress for my guest room that is this cheap.

And he goes, wait, what's the max number you can spend, really? And I said, not can spend, will spend. And it is this number, the one I said when I walked in. And he goes, hold on. He walks over and talks to one of the other guys doing absolutely fucking nothing. And he comes back and he goes, we can do that. Can you pay cash? And I go, yeah. Yeah.

So I did. And I don't know what I – I'm sure that when I handed over that bill, some kid in a coal mine somewhere in a country I haven't heard of was somehow forced to work an extra hour or something. I know that I inadvertently, unwillingly participated in a butterfly effect of unethical labor practices. Right. But I did get that mattress. Well, my thing – first of all, I'm really glad you got the mattress. Thank you.

So here's my thing lately. Well, there's this whole thing. I don't even know where to start right now. I worked in retail for many, many years and I paid my dues. I did my service and I'm not talking like softball retail jobs. I worked at Sephora. Right. Okay. I know. I was out there on the front fucking lines. You were leaving Sephora and going to UCB classes. I was. Don't I know it. And so I've been there. I know what it takes. I know how hard it is on the feet and the bones and the body. Um,

But there's something happening in retail right now. There is a shift where it is truly like good fucking luck. You walk into the store. The people are just on their phones on the floor. I don't care, by the way. Do what you have to do. But if I do need to ask something, I would love to be given the space to do that essentially. Just create a little space for me to ask one question. I don't need you to give me your full attention. Just a little bit.

Sephora's in a crisis right now. We just – Sydney Washington two weeks ago did this show, and on her episode, she talked about going to a Sephora and basically you have to fire a gun in there to get someone to look at you. You can't get any help. Well, they're severely understaffed at all times, especially the ones in New York. Yeah. But the thing that's funny, not a lot of people know this to all the makeup girlies and guys and non-binary individuals listening. Right. Thank you for capturing everything. It's a big umbrella. You can return –

Anything at Sephora at any time. Yeah, really? A lot of people don't know that. You can return open things. Really? Yeah. I wouldn't think to. Yeah. I don't have the mind of a scammer. Me neither. I don't. Well, I've only done that when I wasn't actually going to use the product. Like, I opened it and it wasn't the right shade or something.

thing. But yeah, I mean, I don't, and that's not, I guess if you're in the LGBTQ, you should use that to scam. If you're not, then don't. But again, it's like corporate America or whatever. So maybe do, I don't know. I don't know who's being punished if you return things at Sephora, if you like over-return things at Sephora. Well, somewhere, some child in some coal mine in some country you haven't heard of has to stay late at their shift. Yeah.

They have to stay. It's really not funny. You just can't win. They have to stay one extra hour. Yeah, like a boss comes down and says, hey, sorry, you got to stay an extra hour. Well, I had this bit of stand-up that never really worked, but I was like, I shop at Brandy Melville because if I don't, then the children who make the clothes will lose their jobs. Oh, my God.

Why wouldn't it work? That's a great premise. It's just a little dark. That's a great premise. It's just dark. Well, we hate dark because that's where democracy lies. Well, people don't want to think about child labor, but then they shop at Brandy Melville, so I'm like... The fact of the matter is... Hi, Mirror Society. Take a long, hard look. Yeah. You're the only bisexual woman who's willing to take a look at stuff, I will say. You've taken a look.

I have a curious mind. And you're reflecting. I'm trying. That gay uncle really sparked something in you. Yeah. I mean, the more I learn, I'm just like, wow, I have a lot of work to do. You are a bit of a social justice diva. You do...

This is my new interview. Sorry, I just saw my Uncle Greg for a second. This is my new interview style. So tell me about that. Tell me about social justice. Well, we don't call them social justice warriors anymore because anti-violence, pacifism, social justice, diva, peace. Right. It implies peace. We just want peace for everyone in social media. That's the goal of it all. Yeah. I have a question for you. Well, you were quite successful, Mary Beth. Thank you. Things are going really well. I mean, I don't have a guest room. Right. Well, you don't need one. You're...

You're just out and about. I don't have guests. You're out and about all the time. Well, I was – yeah. So I do have a guest room and obviously I hate that that came back. And obviously probably we'll cut it. Yeah.

But Mary Beth, you're doing well. Okay? You've got the Ride podcast. You're a successful stand-up. You're beloved. You're a huge star in overcompensating that's coming out in the spring, likely. I don't know what dates, so I can only say in the spring, I think. But everything's going really well for you, I hope you feel. Thank you. And what do you want? I ask people on this show, like, what's the point?

I want to have autonomy in the projects that I do. I want to get to a place where I can get things made and where I can say no to things that I don't think are good. Yeah. And only say yes to things that I think are good. Yeah.

Do you feel that you're not at the place to say no to bad things yet? Have you not been doing that? Not really. It depends on who's involved. It's interesting because sometimes you'll get presented with opportunities that you know morally you should say no to, and you think, if the offer was a little better, I would do it. For sure. But you say no because the offer is just not where it needs to be. I've definitely gotten offers that I'm like, it's easy to be moral on this one because you didn't do the money right. Exactly. Had you done the money right, questions would be asked. Or it's like if it's an audition versus like –

you know, getting an offer or something, it's like, well, if I have to put effort in to maybe get something that I would feel bad about doing, then I probably won't do it. Yeah. But if it was like given to me, then I would think about it. Yeah. You're like, I'm not going to self tape in blackface, but if I come to set and they're like, and they're like, we'll do it for you. Then it's a different thing. You're going to try to get me on record to say that. I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that. And we're back with camera presents secret sounds work edition. Caller guess this sound.

So close! That's actually publishing a website with Canva Docs. Next caller.

Definitely a mouse click. Nice try. It was sorting 100 sticky notes with a Canva whiteboard. We also would have accepted resizing a Canva video into 10 different sizes. What? No way. Yes way. One click can go a long way. Love your work at Canva.com. My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big ROAS man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend.

Bye.

LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. But I want to do stand-up, acting, writing, all that stuff. That's what drives me. It's what fuels me. I am career obsessed, again, probably due to capitalism. And gay uncle. And gay uncle and this just severe need to succeed. But I will say I was reflecting on the year a little bit. And I didn't do a full smile with teeth, but I smirked thinking about the year. Can you give us what you did? Just a little...

I did. I put a special out on YouTube that I self-produced. I did The Tonight Show for the second time. I filmed this TV show that you were in that we're all excited about, Overcompensating. I wrote on the show. And then I have an indie movie coming out in a couple weeks that I am excited. Like, I was leading a movie, so that's cool. Hey, Beth. I'm very proud of you. Thank you. And now I'm going on tour. I keep forgetting to tell people that. This is a place where you should say that. I'm going on tour. Yeah.

And how I'm framing it is if you live near a major city, I'll be in a city near you. Yeah. And when do you start the tour? It starts in October. In October. This month. What date? Do you remember? October 18th in Seattle. Oh, this comes out on the 17th. Oh, my God. So October 18th in Seattle. Do you know how many cities you're doing? I don't know because counting is hard. Right. Of course. But it's a number. Yeah. And you're doing a lot of them. I'm doing a number. And it's like Seattle, L.A., Philly, D.C.,

Stanford. I'm doing a hometown show in Connecticut. New York. And then San Francisco, Boston. I think that's it. Boston's a fun one. Those are all fun. I love Boston. That's going to be a blast. I think so too. Are you taking an opener with you or are you having local openers? I think I'll do a mix. I think so Chelsea Holmes, friend of the show I'm guessing, was going to do Chicago but then she booked something so she's not able to

Well, yeah, that's an individual who shaky morals at best. Well, looking out for number one. Always looking out for number one. Yes. Always looking out for number one. Yeah. Yeah. I really can't get into that. I'm kidding. Love you, Holmes. All right.

No, that's so exciting. Tour. Go see Mary Beth on tour. I love that. I have a new hour, so it's cool. I can't wait to see it. It's a little heady. It's just heady. I can't write about fluff. I have to talk about serious things, which as a blonde person, I will say the perception has changed. Sometimes I say things on stage and I'm like, it would have gotten a bigger laugh if I was brunette. Unfortunately, that's just the way the world works. God, that's so sick. I'm sorry if I start crying because that is so sick. Yeah. You shouldn't have to put up with that.

I know. Your hair color should not determine who you can love. And what you can say. And what you can say. But it does. And who you can be on stage. It does. And what persona you can kind of live in on stage. That's sick. Yeah. I have noticed about my stand-up that I can really only structure a set around a story about my life. Like, I can't... When I try to sit down and write something that has nothing to do with something I've experienced, when I'm just like...

When I'm just looking at the news or just looking at a little thing I've noticed, it all has to move through a story about me or I can't get there. But I think that's a really beautiful way of structuring a show. It feels good. I can't do that really. I kind of do the opposite. I'm wondering where you get your news from when you're reading the news. Oh, Breitbart, Fox. Yeah. Any of those good ones. Yeah. YouTube. YouTube. Yeah. Any YouTube creator. If you've got a ring light, I'm listening. Twitter. Pardon? X. X.

Yeah, anything that Elon's reposting, I'm looking into. Yeah, well, he loves science and things like that. And truth. Yeah, he's a truthful guy and definitely not the devil incarnate. No, where am I actually getting my news? Probably genuinely Instagram.

I'm on Insta Stories. Yeah. Looking through, you know, grids and posts and... And links even. And links even sometimes. Yeah. What about you? I got a subscription to The Atlantic, which I feel good about. That's huge. And the only reason I did is because they put our podcast in the top 25 podcasts of last year and I couldn't take a screenshot if I didn't have a subscription. So...

So I was like, what the hell? It's like journalism or whatever. And then I also subscribed to the New York Times, which I know is like controversial or something, but I do feel that I get a lot from it. So I just don't read the stuff that is like bigoted.

Yeah, that's good. I try not to – I don't really try to read the news much at all actually. I try to avoid the news like a plague. I really try to avoid current events and I can't. I'm somebody who does know what's going on. Yeah. Almost exclusively against my will. Yeah. I'm trying to be so ignorant to the world. I want to know nothing of what's going on. I would like to be a guy who you go, oh my god, did you hear about the news that everyone's talking about? And you say, what?

I go, whoa, what? Yeah. But I'm not that guy. I am not such a man. I feel the same. And I really sometimes just want to like unplug, but I can't. I'm a current events diva. Yeah. Yeah. I can't help it. I'm locked in. I do like to like, I guess what I, sometimes I think I'm informed on stuff and then I talk to my siblings and I'm like, I actually have no idea what's going on.

But sometimes they can give me like the spark notes of something that happened. And that's really helpful. Cause then I can pass that on an even smaller soundbite to someone else. Yeah. And then they can, it continues to get smaller. Yeah. And then it's like, what, what even did happen? And you can pass it on to your children as well. Like you can really play with that. Your dog. Yeah. That kind of information passing can live forever. That's beautiful. And I just like how it morphs and changes, you know? Yeah. What is fact? Like a game of telephone. Well, there is no truth.

And I think that's been a beautiful development of the last 10 years. You're on board. Oh, yeah. I think a post-truth society is really going to serve us. I like that everyone lives in their own reality and thinks it's the only one. I think that's going really well for us. No one more so than realtors, I would say. God, don't get me started. Well, they're getting paid $20,000 to find someone an apartment on Zillow.

These fucking criminals. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I know. Especially in New York. I don't know. Did you have a realtor when you found your place? In New York? Yes, you have to. In LA? No. Do you know what they have in LA? Laws. And so, you know, if you use a broker and your apartment's more than like $3,000 a month for the total, like if you have roommates or whatever, for the total, the landlord has to pay the fees. The renters don't.

Which makes sense. That's like a common sense protection that New York has. I'm like, what are we doing? I don't know. I guess there's just so many problems here that it's like we have to fix other stuff first. Yeah, murder. Murder, but is that getting better? I don't know. I don't know what's going on with murder generally. I think it's down.

Really? Overall. Like, actually, I do know. From, like, the 70s to now, violent crime, I guess I could be wrong. I really think I'm right about this. Chance, tell me. But I think violent crime is, like, way down in the last several decades. Yeah.

I think that's the truth. You know, one of the most radicalizing things I ever learned, most of them obviously were in college. Yeah. And I very vividly remember reading an assigned reading in undergrad in a – I believe it was a history class. Might have been Dr. Neely. Shout out, Dr. Neely. Love you. Can I ask where you went to school? Missouri State. I love that. The Harvard of Southern Missouri. So anyway, I read this thing in that class that was like –

It was like an inverse where it's like the people most afraid of crime are like suburban and rural white people who are the least likely to experience any of it. And all of our fucking policy decisions are based on the minds of these fucking psychos who – many of whom I love and are people I know. But I'm like we're basing our entire country system around you being afraid of things that don't even happen to you.

There are these paranoid freaks that are like, oh, the crime. It's like nothing happens to you. No. Nothing happens to you. And you probably don't even lock your doors. You just go to work. You just drive your Tahoe to your job and then you come home and nothing happens to you and we're building a whole country around your paranoia. Well, one of our co-stars, Wally, was reading a book. She was on like page two, which I love to catch someone at the beginning of reading a book. Yeah.

Because then they're different at the end. And it's something about, and I don't remember the title, but she said that most pharmaceutical drugs are, they don't test on women. They only test it on men. And like women predict, I don't know, because like humans grow in women and evolution only happened because of like women or something. But basically it's like, why would you only test on men?

It's like what you're saying. It's like we're basing all these decisions on like what's safe off of like a fraction of the population or the conditions that people actually live under. And it's just like it's almost laughable where I'm like, how is this still happening? Like, it's just so stupid. It doesn't make any sense. I'm feeling really, really bad right now. I straight up in this. I until this moment, I did not even know that women took medicine. Yeah, I had no idea.

no clue. I thought y'all were just... Well, if doctors had anything to say about it, we wouldn't. Because they don't believe women's pain, and it's even worse for women of color. It's like a whole thing. Yeah, I thought y'all were just freaking it raw style. Well, we are very strong. Mentally resilient, and physically as well. What'd you find out about Crime Chance? So you actually are absolutely correct. It peaked in the late 80s under Reagan. Funny. Reaganomics. And it has been steadily declining ever since. You wouldn't know that, though. You would not know that by the tone of things. You would never think that.

Well, this whole damn country is going to hell. Sorry. That's my catchphrase for your episode. Wait, we have a voicemail. Oh, my God. Cool. From our fans. You want to listen? Yeah. Let's hear what they're wondering about. These headphones. Okay. We did it. Enjoy. Thanks.

So basically, I have this theory, it's a working theory, where I believe that cats are tuned into the frequency of telepathy. So basically, like, all cats are telepathic, and we as humans have the ability to tap into that, like, universal telepathy frequency on occasion. And we do this all the time.

So let me know what your thoughts on that are. I love you. I love you too. I want to ask our fans to stop smoking so much weed before they call in. That feels like LSD to me. You think they're doing LSD? There's just something going on with my callers. They're not calling in in a right state of mind. I love you. I'm deeply interested in your question. But first, okay, let me just say my take, which is that no, I don't think that's true. I don't think cats are telepathic and I don't think we can tap into telepathy with them. That's my take.

Here's what I'll say. Oh, boy. Here I go, stirring controversy on the pot again. Oh, gosh. I can just see the comments now. Here's the thing. Cats get a lot of credit that dogs deserve.

Dogs are more intelligent and empathetic than cats, I think, on the whole. Because I don't think that laziness is intelligent. And cats are fucking lazy. It's pathetic the way that cats are. The way they just fucking lay around and literally, like, they just have no regard for anybody. They just, like, will knock stuff over. Well, they see a hair tie and they're like, a toy. They're like, that's a toy. No, it's not. It's like, you're an idiot. A dog knows that a ball is a toy. Like, I don't know. Like, I just think dogs have a loyalty and a playfulness in them. That's the other thing is cats are ironically detached. Yeah.

They are ironic. They are detached. They are – it's a heady intellectual sort of thing with them. But like dogs are smart enough to know that being dumb is fun and they're playing with intelligence. They're playing with stupidity. I agree. It's like when I act dumber as a blonde, it's to become more lovable. Yeah. And that's kind of the game dogs are playing at all times. Yeah. And you're winning people over. You're bringing them in with like, oh, I'm like a blonde. And then they get to know you and it's like you've actually read books and stuff. And you're actually a member of the Atlantic. Learning.

them in right i'm a member of the atlantic you're a founding board member of the atlantic i also think in the dog community there's just there's a lot more social politics which i like like there's nobody like defending different breeds of cats there's no like violent cat breeds there's no cat breeds that have been banned in the uk yeah it's like the dog community they're like they have they're like main character energy cats are not divisive yeah it's

It's very divisive. And I know that because I used to have a joke about pit bulls and it did not go over well. Well, pit bull people, good Lord, you give these people a fucking inch. I mean, pit bull people, my God, they act like we're having the Civil War or something. Oh, and by the way, my assumptions about pit bulls are just based on everything I know about them. Right.

They're like, actually, you think pit bulls are violent? I'm like, yeah, well, I think I just saw three news stories about a kid getting mauled to death by one. So I don't know what you're tapped into that I'm not, but yeah, pit bulls are a little scary. They're scary. And I am sorry. I'm sure there's a sweet one you'd come across every now and then. It's like the police to me. There's probably a few good apples.

But yeah, if they're killing people, I don't want to hang out with them. Yeah, and also, here's the thing about Pitbull people. You tell me that a corgi is charging at you and a Pitbull is charging at you. Trolley problem. You can only, okay, trolley problem. You're on a trolley. On one side, there's an angry Pitbull. On one side, there's an angry corgi. Are you pulling the fucking lever or not, my friend? And I guarantee you go corgi every time if we're playing a numbers game. Don't fucking play in my face about Pitbulls. It's about nurture, not nature. Fuck that. Fuck that.

You're you're I'm sorry. There might be some nice ones.

But overall, you people are gonna be so mad about that. I know. I can't stop stirring controversy on this pod. I think it's good. It's healthy. Like sometimes I see Robbie Hoffman tell jokes and I'm like, I wish I could just stir the pot in that way. I don't think it, I don't think it's perceived the same. Cause for me, my whole thing is about perception. Like anyone can say anything. There's no like laws against that, but it's how will it be perceived? And is it going to make people uncomfortable? And I feel like I wish I could toe the line a little bit more. Yeah.

Well, yeah, I think there are just certain identities and certain different things that we occupy. Like Robbie occupies a very particular space where she can go to the margins. And she doesn't care if people are mad. Do you know who I – who do you think is our most fearless working comedian? Like genuinely fearless, not in the stupid conservative way where they just say dumb shit and expect us to think they're brave. I'm talking like truly fearless because I know mine. Say it. Chris Fleming.

Oh my. Chris Fleming. I can't believe you just brought this up. Chris Fleming is the most fearless, brilliant. I think Chris Fleming is genuinely the funniest living comedian that we have. You know why? Because he just, he speaks on things and he doesn't care if there's repercussions. Like he speaks on, on structures and like these, I'm trying to think of the word. It's like he, he came out against SNL, which I think is very powerful. Yeah.

Well, we're waiting on that movement, by the way. But he... We never even talked about the fact that we screen tested together. Oh, God. We did screen test together. We screen tested together. We did. Two summers ago. And this could have been happening at 30 Rock. It could have. We can update. But I missed... Oh, God. Actually, here's the thing. We would murder that. I know. But we would never be Che and Joe's. I know. I know.

We could never be. We could never be because they're our founding fathers. But Chris also isn't cloying the way that so many comedians right now, especially in the age of the internet making and breaking careers, so many people are cloying at relatability. They're grasping for it. Anything that they think people will attach to. Chris will go on stage and talk about something that he has. He will use words, phrases that people have never heard. Because it's the way he uses language to be funny.

He's not using lowest common denominator, even topics, I would say. But then he'll say something about a very mainstream project or piece of media where I'm like, I wouldn't say that because if I did, I'd be scared that the people that made it would then hate me and I would never work. But it just seems like Chris has just carved out this space for himself where he can truly say anything about anything and I really believe that. And he's like Shakespeare. He's a genius.

He's a genius. And he's the exact, to me, he's the antidote of what I hate about the culture right now, which is like,

this like boring repeated garbage of like people just saying the same five words and being like that's a big slay mama or whatever the fuck I'm like that can be fun sometimes to traffic in but like when it's your only way of relating to people which is a lot of younger comics right now oh my god you shouldn't be doing this art form or you should at least get better at it but someone like Chris yeah just exists in his own he's a true original well so many comics these days are building their whole like I guess

around affectation. Yeah. Which is just, it's not that what they're saying is funny. It's that they're doing a little, a little accent, a little something, a little blah, or they're using words like slay and like, and whatever. And it's like, that's not, that's not like a voice. That's not a perspective. Yeah.

Right, that's not a point of view. It's not a point of view. So I feel like if that's all you have is you're doing things in a funny little voice, maybe read some more. Right, and by the way, a funny little voice is an excellent tool to deploy every once in a while here and there. Funny little voice can be such a fun thing, but it's like...

Point of view and taste, I feel, are so dying slash dead. Like at least on the definitely on the business side, taste is out. Taste and risk are so far out the window. These people, so many of them have no taste and take zero risks. But even on the artist side, I'm like, I do see a lot of like copycat carbon copy stuff because people are grasping at the relatability and the virality so that they can build a career, which I deeply understand. We're all implicated in it. But there is a lack of point of view, genuine original point of view. What do you actually think?

Tell me one thing. Tell me one thing. And if you can't answer that to me in a conversation, how?

How are you going to be a – like I don't get it because I just think unfortunately – I feel like being a comedian now is what being a musician was in the 90s where like it looks cool, sexy, fun, and like you can just sort of like hop into it and be successful, which I'm just like no. You have to like work at it. You have to refine your voice. You have to have something to say. Like you can't just get up there and say like meaningless bullshit. I mean you can. People go – I see people going viral online built on that alone. Yeah.

And good for you if you can get some money from it. I don't know if it has longevity. I don't know if you'll be happy and proud of the body of work if you don't have a point of view. I just don't know what drives you. Yeah, and I also don't think that the body of work is a consideration for a lot of those people. I don't think they're thinking about a body of work. I don't think they're thinking about a piece. I think they think of an hour of stand-up as...

Can I physically keep my body up here long enough to justify the ticket sales and move on to the next city so I can – they're like snake oil salesmen really. They're like, can I take my wagon to the next town and scam those people and how long can I keep this going without them realizing that the oil does nothing? But it's – they don't view it as a piece. They don't think of themselves as trying to say or reveal something or speak any kind of truth about themselves or their place in the world. It's just like, can I string words together for an hour and make that ticket sales? Yeah.

And you know what? Many of them can. And if you can get people to pay for it, then more power to you. Tell me something, girl. But you're not my peer. You're not my peer. You're not my peer. Well, yeah, you're not my peer.

But you know who is my peer? Mary Beth Barone. Mary Beth Barone is my peer. Mary Elizabeth Barone. I have a question for you. You know, this podcast, Mary Beth, it's, well, we have five to seven billion listeners a week. A huge show. The population of New York. The population of New York, five to seven billion. Yeah, people love it, but they mostly love it because they want to know what's so true to you. And I'm asking you that here today.

Wow, so it can be anything? Just what's so true to you. Just like whatever cross you would, the hill you would die on, cross you bear. What's something that's so true to you? So, I'm glad you asked. Right. I've been thinking about this a lot. Of course.

I think future generations will view guns the way we view those medieval torture devices that ripped people apart limb from limb. Right. I think the fact that people can buy a device that would kill someone instantly and that in our city there's a lot of people just walking around with them like on their hip will feel so alien to future generations because nobody should have that at their fingertips. You do agree we should have the right to them though, right? I think... No.

I think we should have a right to defend ourselves. Yeah. No, I don't. No, I don't either. I just don't. I'm just like, I think it's crazy and I think we need to just... They shouldn't exist anymore. We have no reason... We can send emails now. Yeah. You don't need a gun anymore. Yeah. An email can be so much worse than a bullet wound. Agreed. In fact, most I get feel like I've been shot. And I... I understand why...

You're a survivor. Yeah. I've been through how many emails I've read and even, by the way, almost unthinkably responded to only to receive another one. Sometimes instantly. Sometimes. Sometimes instantly. Do you ever wait to respond to an email for like two weeks, respond, and within minutes they've gotten back to give you a new task? Well, you see the yellow thing at the bottom? Good Lord. Showing. Seymour.

One unread. Oh, God. But anyway, you were saying you love guns. I love guns. I think we need more. No, I just feel like it's like I sort of get when like war was more of like a thing to accomplish something, which now I feel like it's not anymore. Yeah. I get why guns were invented, but I just don't think we like we don't use bayonets anymore for a reason. We've like evolved past that. But for some reason, guns are like sticking around. And I just really feel that in the future, we're going to be appalled at the fact that

that anyone had them. I don't think most police officers want the... How have we not invented something that can stop someone in their tracks that doesn't instantly kill them? Yeah, like an insult. That feels like a huge market opportunity. Exactly. Gay guys have been using this for years. Gay cops. More gay cops. Law enforcement divas. The perpetrators running away. You just say something that makes them stop dead in their tracks. Something so cutting. A lot of people pretend to like you, but they're putting up with you mostly. The criminal just...

Freezes, drops the big bags with money signs on them that they stole from the bank. That'd be awesome. It's worth a try. Should we write a gay cop show where they replace guns with... With insults. Witticisms. With cunning remarks. With cunning remarks. I... You know, oftentimes, I...

The most complicated political issues often find me boiling my politics down to like, oh, I'm a child. I have a child. It makes me feel childish. I feel childish when I think about guns because I go, you do realize if we just took every gun that currently exists and melted it and then we never made any more, no one would ever get shot to death again.

And I feel that like – but that's so childish and I know I can hear the right-wing response to that where they're like, well, that's impossible. And I'm like, but the thing is it's so deeply possible. It's so possible. It's so deeply possible and I think the same thing with war. And I talked a little bit about this publicly like when the – like last year in October when the Israel-Palestine stuff really started coming back into the consciousness and a lot of new people were tuning in where I was like, you know, I feel childish but like I just wish war – why are we doing war? Yeah.

Why? I don't, but it's like a childish thing to say, but it's like, we could just not literally not do that. That's my thing. There's no need for any of it. We could get rid of guns. We could also just give everyone a house. Like with another childish thing where you're like, oh, so there's just empty houses and apartments and buildings sitting all over New York. And then there's people who sleep on the streets in conditions that can kill them. Why? It makes no fucking sense.

I agree. And this is why we're running. This is why we're running. Well, I feel like, yeah, I don't know when that change will happen, but I do feel like people will just be, they'll be just stunned that we ever didn't do those things. Yeah.

Why are we... The war thing in 2024, I just can't wrap my mind around. I cannot wrap my mind around it. God, we are so brave. I know. Me and you sitting in this room, we've done more than most. Sitting at HeadGum Studios talking about how we should get rid of... Melt all guns. Melt guns. I'm so down, though. Melt guns at HeadGum Studios. I guess there's then people that will be like, what about people that hunt for their food and stuff? Yeah.

But I don't know. Could we stop that too? Didn't we do that before we had guns? Yeah, good point. Sorry, I learned archery as a kid. Become more skilled. I literally learned archery as a kid. I actually, I know that people can kill a turkey with a bow and arrow. I've seen it happen. It's actually literally possible. That was one of your classes at Missouri State? No, honey. This was elementary school. And I won an archery competition in summer school. Why were you in summer school? For fun. We were poor.

Yeah. So that's a camp, but different. Yeah. So I know that you were going to try and do an angle where maybe I was like failing or stupid or something, but actually you'll be, you'll be dismayed to know that it was poverty. Yeah. Oh my God.

I don't know. I thought maybe they brought... I never thought it was because you were failing. Right. Just for the record. Is that true? You never once considered that? I wouldn't consider that for one single second. That's so beautiful. Yeah. You see me. I see you. You know that I'm an academia diva. I know. Well, it's just nice to talk to a smart person every once in a while. Just once in a while. It's exhausting to do it all the time. Yeah. And that's why I'm so tired. But it's nice to...

To do it. It is nice to be around them. To feel those feelings. Also, what is a better feeling than being in an echo chamber? Oh my God. Oh my God. Isn't that nice? You say it and then they just say it right back. They ring it back and you knew that they would. That's awesome. Being in a room where your opinion is the only one is amazing. Well, that's all I want to do. Well, it's like church. It's a lot like church. That's why people go to church. It's just an echo chamber. Were you raised in a religion? Yes. Tell me. Christianity. Which one? Well, non-denominational.

Okay, progressive. No, you wish. Non-denominational really where I'm from is the word for we don't care about a lot of stuff other than the money. And so there's like a cool big band, but it's like still they're Christian with it. It was fine. I mean, it wasn't as conservative as like, of course, like deep, deep Southern Baptist or something.

But the ideas were all still floating around in there. Something I've been thinking about doing is registering as a church so I don't have to pay taxes and then I can donate money to causes that I think are important instead of militarizing the country further. I don't know if that's something you've thought about.

I actually legitimately, I'm not kidding, I've thought about this a lot, and I want people to know that when I do eventually find a way to make my whole thing a religion, it won't be because I'm trying to have a cult where people hurt themselves or anything. It will be exclusively to evade taxes. Because here's the thing. I love paying taxes in theory. Me too. I genuinely love giving a portion of my money to the government under the understanding that they're going to take care of people with it. They don't. But when they're just giving guns to other countries to kill people, I'm like...

But I don't want to give you my money then. I'd like mine back. Yeah. I want you to deduct like five AR-15s from what you just did and send that check back to me. Even bombs. Even bombs. Well, that part I'm actually cool with. No, I'm kidding. No, I'm kidding. I don't like those either. But I do – you know, it's funny. When I was growing up, I started like in high school experimenting with like my political ideas. And I would be like I think I'm liberal and I think I don't like –

I don't mind paying taxes. I was like, I think taxes are a good thing. And at every stage of my life, conservative people in my life, older than me, have told me, for different reasons, you'll feel differently someday. And they go, oh, when you get a job, you'll feel differently. And then I got a job and I didn't feel differently. And then they're like, well, when you get a real job, because I was a server.

By the way, they were like, when you make real money, you'll feel different. And then I got a full-time job in Chicago. And then they're like, well, when you're a little older. And now I'm older and I make more money than all of them combined. And I'm like, I still don't feel differently. The only thing that's changed is I feel more and more certain that people with money have a responsibility to pay their part. And I feel more and more pissed off that it's not happening.

That's all. And just corporations not paying. Right. I don't understand that. How are they getting out of it? How am I paying more tax as an individual than some companies? Crazy. It's crazy. But we'll circumvent that eventually when we can become a church. Our church would be so actually good. It'd be so fun. What do you think would be some of the tenants? Like, first of all, relax. First of all, relax, number one. Chill diva. Two, be nice to people. Right. Three, just like, I don't know. Unless they're not...

Deserving. Well, but that's when you get into like 2A, 2B. 2A, 2B. Well, that's why you need to have some sort of document with like guiding principles. Right. But I also think just like give people the benefit of the doubt. To me, that's an important one. They need to earn your contempt. And also like take pride in your work. That's something I've talked about on my podcast. Take some pride in your work. Whatever that looks like to you. Yeah. Because a lot of people aren't doing that. They're missing that part. That piece has gone missing. But I think just like love. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? Well, that is the thing I can get down with about any religion when the people are just doing love with it. I'm like, that's, yeah. It's just unfortunate how much of that gets lost when it's an organized religion. I don't know. I feel like there's just corruption whenever there's an opportunity for people to gain power. Yeah. So in our church, maybe we don't have a hierarchical structure. Obviously, it would be you and I sort of at the helm. Like, we'll be making a lot of... With some peons underneath that do our bidding. Right.

Right, you and I are hench people. But then other than that, it'll be very low. Well, and then you can pay to get to different levels. Of course. Right. Right, and eventually there'll be restrictions on who sleeps with who and things like that. But which one of us is going to go missing? You. It feels a little trite, to be honest, for the woman to go missing. Totally, it's played out. But in the same way, I think if I went missing, the community would just not be able to go on. That's fair. It's not.

it's fair it's fair it's about see it's how it's about compromise yeah so what would you want from me in return so you're gonna go missing when someone needs to go missing yeah i think that's fair what do you need from me back just like just don't let the don't let don't get drunk with power because you'll have no one checking and balancing you i cannot promise that is there something else i could do for you just because you know me like the power might i just want to be totally transparent at all times like the power might go to my head do you feel like when you do you feel like when you reach the like the

the top of your success, which you'll stay at for a really long time, are you going to become a monster? I actually think if we're being genuine, the funny answer is yes. But the genuine answer is I think that the second I get, I think I'm, I think I'll go away. I think I'll go away. You're going to pull a Dave Chappelle comeback, totally transphobic. Yes.

Yeah. Well, I'm transphobic now, so I think going away will only build that resolve in me. Right. Yeah, I'm going to come back and be more transphobic than I am. Now, I'll always love trans people, I think, as I do now. But I think – shout out to trans people. I know many of you keep the lights on here on the So True podcast. No, I do think I'll go away. I think it would be really powerful to go. I've been on a big – people are tired of hearing me say it at this point, but I've been on a big let us miss you kick. Both.

But what I would strongly encourage you to do is first get an overall deal at a streamer so that while you're gone and creating nothing, you're still getting paid every year. Well, that's the incredible thing about overall deals is you don't have to make anything. You barely have to think of anything. People get these overall deals and do nothing. They just go on vacation. I don't know. I don't know what they're doing. Every once in a while, I think they go, hey, what about two teenagers that are vampires and they go to driving school or something? And then the network goes, no. No.

And then they go, well, I still want my check. And the network goes, we have no choice. Well, it's contractual. Yeah, which is beautiful. I think it's beautiful. I love contracts. Yeah, I love them when you can get out of them. Yeah, well, I love contracts that benefit me and I hate them when they restrict. Totally agree. Completely agree. Would you do a prenup if you got married soon? No. Really? No, I don't think so. I will. You will? Yes. Prenup for sure.

Prenup for sure. Absolutely. You don't think it like means something like negative? I think something negative would be you taking all my money. I think something negative would be splitting the house.

No, I think, look, I love you. I'm sure we'll be in love, whoever I get married to. But I think, you know, I'm not, but here's the deal. I'm not going to ask you to stay home with the kids or anything either. Feel free to go work. Sure. Feel free to go work. You can stay in our house. I'll get us a nice one. Right. But you know, if we divorce...

Well, what would be great is to marry someone who makes the same amount or more, I would say. And here's what I'll tell you. If I married someone who was far wealthier than me, which I don't see happening. I've been looking. I haven't found one. But if I married someone who was – I would like to send a prenup as well. I would still like to send a prenup.

I would tell them because I would trust. Here's what I would trust. If I married someone that had less of a financial situation of stability or whatever than me, then if we were divorced, I would like to trust that we would get divorced in a way where I would still take care of them. Totally. You know, I would help out. I wouldn't be a psycho about it. And I would like to think I would work in the opposite way too. But I love the prenup. I think the prenup is a beautiful piece of contract. Interesting. Yeah, it's one of my favorite contracts. I want to know more about the history of restraining orders and who wrote the first one? Who threw the first brick?

No, not yet. I think I will. I really see that for myself in the future. Absolutely. I'd love to. I think it'd be very, very fun for you to take a restraining order out against me.

It just says a stunt. Like as a stunt, like to have it in the news or something. Well, how cool is it to say like legally don't come near me? Yeah. It's like don't invite Mary Beth. I can't come if you do. Unfortunately, there is like legalese to say that we cannot be in the same place. There's paperwork. Her lawyers can collaborate with the law. With the law, with the conspirators up at the courthouse. At the courthouse to say I can't go around her.

That is pretty baller. It's pretty like, I mean, I hate that it even, what's crazy to me about the concept of it is that it even needs to exist. Like if I tell you not to come near me, you just shouldn't do it. Like just don't. Don't come over here. Why do I need a legal document that says you can't touch me or like come near me? That's crazy or insane. It's really nuts that you can involve the government in a conversation that's like, I don't want to hang out anymore. You can just go to the government and be like, he can't hang out with me anymore. And they go, absolutely. No, stamp approved. They go, that's right. They go, yes, diva.

That's the stay away from her. I want to know who did the first one. Was it a man against a woman, a woman against a man? What was their dynamic? I think we can say with homos...

Can I tell you something? In every universe, in every timeline from 10,000 feet away, I know it was a woman taking a one out against a man. There's no chance that gender was being played with. But how would the courts, whenever that was, like, ever take a woman's side? That's the only thing I get hung up on is, like, to tell a man he can't do something so that a woman can. Maybe it was a man taking it out against a man over, like, a plot of land. You know what I mean? That's probably the most likely. Could have been a girl judge. Yeah.

Judge Diva. Not Judge Diva on the bench. No, Judge Diva, she's really harsh. Judge Diva, she... In her stilettos. She makes out for girls. She wears Louboutins. Her robe, gown is snatched. Snatched. Yeah, yeah, usually they're loose. Hers is cinched. It's corseted. Judge Diva has a corseted gown and Louboutins.

Judge Diva in a corseted... These is red bottoms. In a Miu Miu skirt. A corseted gown in a Miu Miu skirt. Judge Diva. Judge Diva coming to NBC. Tuesday nights. Sundays at 7. Sundays at 7. Sundays at 7. Judge Diva from the twisted minds of Mary Beth Barone and Caleb Heron. And Ryan Murphy. Right. Right. Of course. Well, anything a gay guy comes up with is automatically IP of Ryan Murphy. Did you not know that? No, no, no. I knew that. I just hoped that... I guess I thought maybe we could...

No, that's... You guys are going to do such a good job on that. I mean, you'll be involved, but... Right. As, like, a more silent sort of creative partner. Yeah. That's awesome. I didn't even feel passionately about Judge Diva at all either. So that's nice. What's crazy is that that is such a bad idea, but... Oh, no.

Not me calling Annapurna execs and saying, hey, we've got something for you. Well, that's the thing that's probably the thing we could take out that would finally get greenlit. You know what I mean? We would have that on the air. It's like the producers. Remember that movie? What? Slash play, the producers. Oh, Nathan Lane.

Where they like over... Gotta be top gay guy, by the way. Oh, in top five at least. Gotta be one of the top gay guys we've ever done. When they dropped Nathan Lane, they did gay guys good. I know. And I'm thankful. Yeah. And you know what? So I have... Well, no, we don't have to get into that. I don't want to do anything more controversial stuff, but... Well, here's something I'll tell you. I auditioned... Nathan Lane has a new show. And I auditioned to play their hot young houseboy.

Now, surely when I got the sides, I said, hey, y'all, just wanted to check in on what I'm certain they're expecting. And they said, no, they're looking for funny. And I said, well, I've heard that line enough, but I'll audition anyway. And of course, when the casting came out, I looked at the guy and I was like, what? Yeah. Well, yeah, it wasn't ever good. What are you talking about? They were looking for funny. Okay, here's a question for you. Top three things you'd do to fix the world. Go. Okay. Okay.

First of all, I think no more weapons. Right. All weapons. All weapons. Wow, okay. Gone. Right. I think we should have a cap on wealth. Right. Oh, fuck. Okay. Yeah, sorry. And I mean, it could be really high. I just don't. Instead of cap. I hate that because I don't think I'll get anywhere close to it. I just think, yeah, rich people work really hard. Especially when they've inherited the wealth. Right. And then I guess the third thing would be like everybody gets a home.

That would be, I think my, those would be my three big things, I guess right now. I mean, I'm sure there's a bunch of other really worthy things too, but what about you? I would do probably chicken wings for breakfast. Yeah. Everyone can do chicken wings for breakfast. Spicy even. Cause our stomachs in my, when I, oh, I guess I would do stomachs can handle anything. That'd be my number one. Stomachs can handle anything. We would do the technology about that. And

And then we would do the technology about that. We would do the technology about stomachs can handle it. If you think I'm not going to come on this podcast and hold you accountable, you're wrong. No, I don't. I do think you will. I've always, you're an accountability diva. Continue. Right. So I would do, we do technology for stomachs to handle anything. Number one.

Number two, we do chicken wings for breakfast. Okay. You can have spicy chicken wings for breakfast. Because you can't have that without the first one. Right. Because if you do chicken wings for breakfast and you haven't done the technology for stomachs, everyone will be feeling ill and not good. And they'll just start your day very bloated and not feeling well. Cranky even. Cranky. So it's, yeah, we do technology about stomachs. And then we do chicken wings for breakfast. And then the third thing would probably, I would end racism.

Fuck. I just don't like it. That's such a good one that I forgot. I don't like it. I've never understood it. That's crazy that you would put me in a position right now to have to backpedal. It was really weird that you didn't bring it up because I was like, in your list, I expected to see it. But yeah, I would definitely just get rid of it because I've never fucked with it. Yeah. Yeah. So your list was really cool, though. I loved yours. Well, my fourth thing would be no new comedians. Actually... I think we just have enough right now. Let's see how everyone fares. I think a stopgap.

I think a couple years where we closed the... A moratorium. Yeah, we shut down the border for like two or three years. See how many people make it with what we've got going on now. And then, yeah, maybe we open it back up. Maybe we don't. Well, we open it back up with rigorous paperwork. Yes. And if you don't want to do the paperwork, then I guess you don't want to be a comedian that bad. Well, if you don't want to do the contracts, yeah. Do the contracts or don't. That's up to you. Something to think about. It's definitely...

If you wouldn't be willing to fill out some paperwork, I feel like you shouldn't be a comedian. Well, people shouldn't be coming to the stage to see you. Mary Beth, I have a segment for you. This is a true-false segment. Okay. I'm going to read you 15 statements. Whoa. And you're going to tell me as quickly as you can if you think each one is true or false. Do you tell me what the correct answer is or no? I do afterwards. Okay.

And you know what? Someone said that we should have guests do Say So True because that would be like the brand. Wow. Someone's giving you notes? They do. I hope it was the guy that owns the place. Let me tell you. It's not. Let me tell you something about my fans. They feel very empowered.

They feel very empowered to tell me what they think should be going on. Well, I hate to victim blame, but that is your fault. I know. I created community and I did not mean to. It was literally an accident. But I accidentally created warm community for these people. And 15 statements. As quickly as you can, you're going to tell me if you think they're true or so true or false. I'm not going to hesitate, by the way. By the way, I want you to lock in. And if you get 10 or more correct, Mary Beth, I'm going to give you 50 US dollars. Let's go. Let's go. Cabbage is technically a tree nut.

False. False. The WWE is headquartered in Stanford, Connecticut. True. True. A single litter of kittens can have more than one father.

False. True. Rugrats is the longest running American animated series. False. False. It's The Simpsons. Bob Ross was a military drill sergeant. True. True. NASA has discovered trees on the moon. False. False. A giraffe's heart is two feet long. A what? A giraffe's heart is two feet long. True. Yankee Doodle is the state song of Connecticut. True. True. LeBron James went to UCLA. False. False. He didn't go to college. A cockroach can live for nine days without its head. False. True. Forrest Gump was a real person. False.

False. The Statue of Liberty was a gift to the U.S. from France. True. True. There's no such thing as a straight line. True. True. You're giving easy ones a chance. A lightning bolt is five times hotter than the surface of the sun. A lightning bolt is five times... That's false. That's true. Uma Thurman's... No, it's not. I got her. See, I threw her off. Uma Thurman's mother co-founded Bass Pro Shops. True. False. How many did she get? Eleven! Ah!

I'm the smartest woman alive. You are really smart, but I'll say I got a little mad at Chance when I got to the Statue of Liberty was a gift from France. Yeah, that seems crazy. Two-year-olds know that. Yeah. It's one of those things that... But you're smart. You did great. You know the things you always remember? Like that it was copper, but it turned green because of the water or whatever. And by the time they finished washing it, it would be green again. Yeah. So there really... There was a weird amount... It's like so funny the things they don't teach us. But then I know that till my grave. I'll know that for...

Like, they didn't teach us, like, anything about Native Americans that was true. But the Statue of Liberty, they, like, made sure we got. They're like, they were shipped over on a boat. France would give it as a gift. It's really impressive that they did that. The color is this because of this. Like, really, they go in on that one. Yeah. Well, it's something to celebrate, I guess. Number one statue? Liberty. Number one statue? Liberty. Is that your number one?

I would say my statue knowledge isn't enough to have a favorite. Yeah. Do you get that? Absolutely. I love that it's in the New York Harbor and that people, it's so iconic as far as statues go. I guess the Jesus in Rio is pretty iconic. Big. But only because it was in Baz Luhrmann's Romeo and Juliet. Right. Not because of the religious side.

There's an artist called Botero that does fat people and he does paintings and statues and I love his little fat people. They make me laugh. They're just cute. I love Dolly as well, Salvador Dolly. Thank you. The lip couch and everything. Of course. I'm just thinking of artists that I know. But I do – we went to the Salvador Dolly Museum in Italy when I was a kid and it really stuck with me. Well, you're Italian-Irish Catholic. I am. These are a couple things about you. Yeah. Didn't get to them in the episode though, huh?

No, we had a lot of other things to discuss. Well, we had to talk about restraining orders. Like the state of the world and guns. And guns. Yeah, which you're very pro. I'm pro. I want more. The thing is I think people – well, maybe people do expect me to talk about serious stuff. If you know me well enough, you know that I have a lot on my mind. Yeah. But it's not all fun and games. It's not all fun and games in your head. I've briefly spent some time in there and I have been horrified by what I found.

You're dealing with a lot of demons. Not a lot of people could handle it and just be like smiling the way that I am ear to ear. The way you spread joy despite having so many demons is very inspiring. Thank you. I'm very proud of you. I just want to show that it's possible. Anything is possible. I mean, you think about it, the word impossible in itself, it says right there, I'm possible.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mary Beth. Tell the people where to find you, please. I'm so sorry. I'm going to pee in my pants. I don't know why, like multiple times during this episode, I took on like a persona, like an interview guy persona, which I don't think I've done before. But you just inspired it in me. Tell people where to find you. I'm so serious.

You can find me all over social media. I'm on Instagram, TikTok, at Mary Beth Barone. And I have a YouTube channel where I post every few months. And you have a podcast called Ride with Vinny. Oh, I have a podcast called Ride the Pod. And then I'll be on tour. You'll be on tour. And your indie movie's coming out next year. My indie. Next month. Or next month. In like two weeks. Or two weeks. Yeah. This month. It'll be out probably when this comes out. You guys go find Mary Beth everywhere. We just love her. We love you. Thanks for having me. What a joy. Thank you for doing it. What a treat. What a pleasure.

That was a HeadGum Podcast.