Grace Kuhlenschmidt is a Good Kisser
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I was born to be fat. Yes. In every life, I'm sure of it. It's not soda. It's not anything that's making me fat, guys. I literally was born this way. In every single universe, we were going to be fat. That's actually only true of you. I shouldn't be as fat as I am. Of course not. I'm definitely adding to it. I know. I will say. That's my personal truth is that I was maybe born to be a little chunky and I've let things go. I know.

It's so funny to be sitting here with my ex. It's so weird because we had such a traumatic breakup, but we've kind of come back to friends. You know what? That's my first time hearing you actually call me your ex. Are you okay? Well, we never really made things official, so it feels like a little bit. I'm just like, we are exes? Yeah. I'm so sorry, dude. I thought you knew that we were official. Like we were officially broken up. I didn't know that you knew that. Are you kidding me? You never even saved my number in your phone.

I can't save your number, Mayfell, because then I won't be able to get over you. You have fucked me up so bad. You've ruined me for other women. So that's why you're gay? You're why I'm gay. I'm actually getting pretty close to getting to yours. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. How long is this supposed to be? No, casting directors might watch this. Casting directors might watch this. Keep going. Keep going. Grace, hi. I'm so happy to see you. I'm so happy to see you. It's actually sick.

No, Lisa! You can't! Lisa Trager just recorded her episode of the podcast before Grace's. She has phone calls to make. And we explicitly told her, you cannot take phone calls in the studio. That was shocking. That was shocking! Literally crazy. That was so crazy. And disrespectful. And disrespectful. To me. Lisa, no. Get out of here.

I think she's gone. I think she left. Jesus Christ. That is so funny, dude. Guys, that's a big podcast no-no. Yeah. Don't get on a phone call. Truly, in the next room, that is so fucking funny. Damn. It's so good to see you. It's so good to see you. I miss you terribly. I miss you all the time. I want to bring up something just right away with you. Grace Kuhlenschmidt, on September 29th, 2009, you posted this on Facebook.

So there's an all caps Trey Songz concert tonight. Only problem is my mom won't let me go. It's truly sad that me and my husband will never get to meet. Whoa. Okay. So I was 14. Yeah.

Whoa. I almost thought for a minute, like, there's going to be, like, irony somewhere. Like, maybe that was a joke. But, like, no, no, no. I was, like, in love with Trey Songz. Me too. Actually, when I was trying to pray the gay away, when I was like, oh, I don't want to be gay. Let's pray about it. I'm sure we can fix this. I'm, like, negotiating with God. I'm like, there must be something we can do. No, definitely.

The thing that kept pulling me back was that Trey Songz shirtless album cover. Do you remember that? Yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about. He's like dripping wet. Every time I would see it on my iPod Touch, I'd be like, fuck. I'm never going to get out of this hole that I've dug myself. It's so sad that that's what that was doing for you. For me, it was like fully convincing me I was straight. Yeah. Like couldn't have worked better. And you're not straight, right? No.

What year is it again? 2024? I'm not straight this year. Okay, this year we're off. Right, yeah. We're off of Dick this year. But I was like, I mean, do you remember the Can't Help But Wait music video? Oh my God. I was like just watching that being like, he'll sing that about me one day for sure. Not Trey Songz being both of our closeted types. I know, how weird. That's really beautiful for us. I'm not surprised at all. And a testament to his power. I was actually re-listening to him like...

Truly six days ago. Which one? Can't help but wait. Can't help but wait. Because that was my favorite. But I know every single word. My favorite was neighbors know my name. Oh, I wanted the neighbors to know his name so bad. Has that ever fucking happened to you guys? Where you're fucking so good that literally the neighbors know your fucking name. The neighbors are like, damn, Caleb's laying it down right now. Is that Jessica? It's gotta be. Oh my God, Jessica's back in there.

No, Trey Songz was, I mean, like, really huge for me. I just was so...

Like, that's the difference, I think, between your and I closeted stories. Like, you were trying to convince yourself that you were straight. I didn't need convincing. Yeah, you were like, I'm straight. Without a doubt. Yeah. I was so sure of it. Weren't you on the softball team? Yeah, and I thought it was ironic that I was the coach. I was, like, me, the straightest girl on the team. Oh!

You were like, how funny that among all these dykes, I'm somehow the leader?

I was designated hitter because I was slowest on the team. So that means that basically once you get on base, they take you out and they put in a little skinny girl to run the bases for you. And so then I would get back into my catcher's gear and I'd like be up on the fence, like spitting out sunflower seeds. Let's go girls. You're like, where is Mr. Right? I'd be like, I'm just trying to figure out how I'm going to ask Nick to prom. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

And you know how, by the way, how I ended up asking, I thought about this guy today, how I ended up asking him to prom. I wrote prom on a 40 ounce of beer. Please. You hit him with the brother treatment?

You said, hey, big dog, I'd love to take you to prom. And I was like, this is genius. He is definitely going to want to see my tits after this. I am fucking dead, dude. And that was high school. That was high school. And then you went to Skidmore. I went to Skidmore College. Because you grew up in LA. Near LA. And then you went to Skidmore and you studied psychology? Studied psychology. And it didn't go well there, did it? No. No. I've heard you talk about this before. 2.7 GPA. Thank you. What?

Yeah. Which actually, now that I look back on it, I'm like, that's not that bad. No, it's actually a C. That's no worries. That's C. That's no worries. But I like truly like I had to withdraw from a lot of classes throughout the years. Yeah. I withdrew from intro to actual.

To acting. No. I was doing so poorly. And now look who's on TV. And now look who's on TV. It's unbelievable. Five full credits on IMDb. Yeah. Hey, ever heard of it? Ever heard of it? Acting teacher. That's like one of those moments when people are like, my acting teacher actually failed me.

I love those. I actually think about this a lot because I was thinking about it a lot when Phoebe Waller-Bridge won a bunch of awards for Fleabag. You remember? There was a picture of her holding all of her... Maybe they were Emmys. Oh, I love photos of me like that. Oh, I love. All my photos are the best. I'm like, those are the best. Yeah. But all of her fans were posting... I really like her a lot. This is not about her. This is about the reaction to her. But she posted that picture or someone posted that photo of her and all of her fans were being like...

They're posting it next to a screenshot of a review that she had gotten when she did the Fleabag show at Fringe. They got three stars and it was kind of panned by a reviewer. Absolutely. And people were being like, wow, I bet this guy feels like a fucking moron. And I'm like, is it possible that between the time she did an Edinburgh Fringe show to now that she got better? Well, that's the thing. And that the show grew? Was it like a one woman show? Yes. Yes.

So I'm going to go on record and just say most one woman shows are pretty fucking three star. Really? And it's like no offense to anybody. Sometimes you need a little help. You need a cast. Sometimes you need women. We need someone to pop in there. Right. Maybe a man in it.

Grace. Don't say that there should be a man in there. We're not recording yet, right? We're on. What the fuck? That mic is hot, dude. Oh my God. No, that is really funny. I do find myself trying to write a solo show because I used to, you remember I used to do characters in Chicago forever ago. I'll never forget. No one knows this is coming now. That's what I fall asleep thinking about. Yeah, me doing characters. You putting on a wig. Ha ha!

But every time I find myself writing one, I get caught up being like, this would be better if other people were here. That's how I always feel. That's why the internet is so... That's why how we started our career is so weird, just talking to our phones. Yeah, insane. Yikes. But before we started talking to our phones, we were doing shows together in Chicago. I know. And that was beautiful back then. It really was. Back in the day, you and I. I'll never forget Improv 2. Improv 2. I'll never forget Improv 2. What?

Well, I was going to say, was it Improv 201? Like, what was it called? What did they call it? It was like Level 2. Level 2. Yeah. They called it Level 2. When we got in that class together, and I remember thinking, frankly, I remember thinking, finally. All bets are off. It literally, I remember this, because I was such a fan of yours already. I thought you were so funny. And then we got in, in two, and I was like, because I had heard from Level 1, people were like, this Grace girl is so funny. Damn. And then. I heard, and I heard nothing about you.

No one was talking about me in the Chicago scene? I don't think so. But you know what? I will actually say it's because I had no friends. Okay. Like at that point, my only friend was Andrew. Okay? Obsessed. No worries. Thank you. Thank you, Andrew, for your service. Thank you, Andrew. But I was so excited. And then we got in that class and I was like, oh, it felt spiritual. I was like, we're cooking. And then I remember a first time that you and I went to, God, I love this restaurant, Chipotle together. Oh.

Oh, that's so beautiful. It was so good. Yeah, that's beautiful. Chicago. And we really bonded there. Yeah. I'll never forget me and you back in the day. I wish we were still close. I don't know what happened between us. I mean, so many things. I really when I look at our friendship, I can just track the downfall almost immediately. What are the steps? I'm really interested because I want to do better. Right. So I think that, first of all, we were both gay when we met.

I think that's a really bad way to start a friendship. That's tough, yeah. Yeah. It just is dishonesty from the get-go. Yeah. Don't you think? Yeah, 100%. Gay people are liars. By the way, I actually thought earlier today when I was thinking about you what would have happened if we met when we were closeted. I think you know what would have happened. Come on.

I think I would have been holding the 40 ounce can of beer that said go to prom with me. I also think so. And I think we would have been at prom. Damn, you think we would have enabled each other to the degree where we would have been at this age still closeted, but maybe like...

30 times more famous and it kind of was like everyone talks about how we're each other's beards and stuff. I think we are currently in this reality right now in our physical bodies in this space. We are living in the singular of the millions of realities. We are living in the singular reality where we are not each other's beards. I know. This is the one lifetime where we are not doing that. I know. And that's tough. Did you ever have a beard? Of course. Really? You had like a girlfriend? Where she was in on it?

No. You're laughing. This clip is going online somewhere and someone's going, it wasn't very funny for me. Oh, God. When I was mad with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A girl with my pictures and articles about me up in her room.

Just being like, I'll never fucking forget. No, I... Can we talk about the comments? How are your internet comments going? Mine are fucking annoying. Are you just talking like in general? In general. My comments are real bad right now. Mine have gotten worse with the podcast because now I'm like back online in a big way. Right. Can I just say, shut the fuck up. These people are so annoying. I hate... Unless you're being nice to me and then keep it up. How is it for you being plus size on the internet? Is it good or bad?

I want to say it's great. I want to say I'm having actually the time of my life. I really am having a time of my life. But you know what is the thing with us is we're so fucked in the head because we are fat, but we somehow are deranged enough to think we're hot. That is the worst part. It's really a crazy disease that we have. We've essentially shallow held ourselves. Yes, dude. That's what I'm saying.

You and I have shallow howl disease. I look in the mirror and I see Gwyneth Paltrow. Yes. But that's crazy because I look at you and I see Gwyneth Paltrow. And I look at you and I see Guy Gwyneth Paltrow. I thought you were going to say Jack Black. And I was terrified. I was prematurely hurt because he's so sexy, but it just wouldn't be fair in the circumstances. I know. It wouldn't be fair. No. He's so hot.

He is a lot. It is nuts the number of people who get mad at me online for being a fat person who looks in the mirror and sees worth. Like just the fact that I like myself. I know. I'm not even getting on there and being like everyone should want to fuck me, which I believe. Right. But I just, I literally get on the internet and be like, yeah, I just think like when someone dates me, they should be nice to me. And the comments will be like, fucking think again. Like they're so mad. So are you thinking of kind of switching it up on them and just becoming immediately insecure? See what happens in your comments? No, I'm getting lap banned.

You're getting... No, I'm getting gastric sleeve today, actually. Wait, please let me pitch in. No, they're going to come. They're going to do it here. I just want like a steak in it. You know what I mean? So let me pitch in like 10% just so that I can say I kind of helped out. No, we're going to let you get your hands in there. They're going to come do it here on the pod and we're going to release it as clips. We're going to... Caleb gets gastric sleeve because that's what's so true to me. And is that...

Gonna be Patreon only? No. We're gonna put this one out. That is so nice. You have to walk the balance with Patreon. Some of the stuff that's really good, you have to put it out to draw them over to the paid side. And this is one of those things. Because I've heard you talk a lot about the surgeries you plan on getting on this podcast. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Lap band. And then I'm gonna get lap band and then gastric sleeve. Get LASIK. I'm gonna get dick enlargement. And then I'm gonna get height enlargement. Is dick enlargement real, by the way? Is it? Yeah.

Oh, that's so interesting. Let's look into it, Chance. Where do they do it and how much does it cost? What do penis pumps do, though? Do they put air in there? Just a little bit. You know a lot about this.

Off the top of your head. Wait, can I say something? I wish you would. If I had a penis, I would look into a penis pump as well. Really? Why not? Because I'm kind of blessed with big, big old perfect boobs. Yeah. And I think I often think about if I were given another hand in life where I had a small dick. Yeah. Of course I would look into a penis pump. You have great titties. I have great titties. God, that sounded so natural coming off your lips. You have great titties. Yeah.

It's so clear they've been in your mouth, hun. Yeah. Oh, I've had those titties all around this area. Yeah.

Left and right. And the eyeball. Off the eyeball. No, I wish I would give anything. But we don't have a sexual element to our relationship. It's very platonic. No, we almost never have. It's very professional between you and I. It's always been like work, work, work. Right, right, right. We only ever talk. When we get together, all we do is pitch. I know. We go to coffee and it's just pitching. And we're always pitching the same thing too. Yeah. That we fuck. Fuck.

You're dating right now. You're single. I'm single. You're out there. I'm single for the first time in eight years. And you're hitting the streets. I'm dating as many as one girl at a time. Come on. Up the number. As few as zero, Caleb. And as many as one. Do you...

Do you have a strong prospect right now? I do. Yeah? But is it such a strong... You know I've been in the single game for a minute. Is it such a strong prospect that you're ignoring the others on the roster? Of course. Or are you keeping the place? God damn it. I'm a lesbian. I know. I know. Sometimes you're so cool. Don't ask the questions you don't want answers to. Sometimes you're so cool that I forget you're a lesbian. Dude, if I could be a player like I would, I can't. I'm not a player. I just crush a lot.

Type shit. God. You nasty twin. Good song. Yeah, it is a good song. I wish so badly. I tried having two girls on a roster, and I was like, who the fuck am I hanging out with tonight again? You were like a Disney Channel original character. I'm calling my team's assistants. I'm like, do you guys remember who I'm seeing at 7? You're calling UTA? Yep. Please, guys, who's my date with?

I want to make sure I come prepared. I told one of them I was sub femme, the other one I'm mass top. I don't know. Honestly, it's a very funny idea to me that you're being sub with one of them and butch with the other one. I would love if that were the case. God, that'd be hot. I know. I mean, if I'm really, really single again, I'll go full femme. Really? I'll go full floor length dress. You're going to go Jessica Rabbit with it? Yeah, I want to go big hat.

I'm going to tell you right off the bat. I think you might be too butch to be femme. Because the first thing you had for femme was you're like, I'm going to put on a snapback.

I'm going to wear a tank top and high top converse. It's like, no, baby. I'm getting a big hat. A dress with Air Force One. That's like when the butch lesbians are doing the going to prom TikToks. Exactly. And then I get you someone who can do both, and then they just look like a butch in a dress. It's so funny. What do you think I am? Chapstick. This shit? Ah!

That right there. Amazing reveal. I hope you put that reveal in slow-mo. I think you're a blitz deck fan.

Yeah, it's bliss sex. Now, I've been thinking, because I've been doing a lot of kissing lately. Thank you. I've been thinking, is it unsexy to have someone immediately have just put on chapstick before you kiss? I don't love it. I would like it to be a little settled in, or I would at least like it good. Okay, so then I need to chill, because I'm literally like... I need to chill. No, I'm serious. Chris' full body lubed in chapstick. I'm serious. Yeah. Also, when I was kind of seeing two people at the same time...

People are going in the comments, you're a horrible person. I think it could have ended at you're a whore. Yeah, thank you. You don't need to go horrible person. They would just call you. But basically, I was like, all I was thinking about was kissing. Yeah. And so I was just like, my lips were like becoming inverse. They were like really, I was like, I needed this chapstick to save my life. Yeah. Are you a good kisser? Yeah. Ha ha ha!

I know that's right. I for sure am. I practically invented it. I have to be honest with you. I'm such a good kisser. It's my specialty. Okay.

And why? Do you have a reason? Yeah, well, I have beautiful big lips. You do actually have stunning lips. I have beautiful big lips. I have great rhythm. I think if you're a good kisser, you're a good dancer. Damn it. Well, fuck my life. I have good rhythm. I have good timing. And I care a lot. Right. And you're like, and comedy comes in threes. So you always do three pecks. Yeah. There you go. The boys faint. They love it.

No, I care a lot. And I also, here's a really important part of kissing for anyone who isn't good at it is you can't, the kiss should not be, if you're kissing, it should not be, it should not be, it should not be the same place over and over again. You should be moving. This lip should be up here. This lip should be down here. There should be a little bit of teeth every once in a while. It's so important to switch up your placement. You got to switch up the placement. You got to switch up the placement. Real kissers know. I'm a real kisser. I'm a real kisser. You know why I think I'm a good kisser? Tell me.

I've never said this publicly. I spent like eight years before I ever kissed anyone making out with my hand every single night of my life.

Every single night. I cannot lie to you, and I hate to say this because you're a dear friend. That is humiliating. Absolutely. That is humiliating. But is it because I was closeted and sad? And you know what? If that's humiliating to you, then maybe you guys should talk to the guys who I went to school with and ask them why they never had crushes on me. Yeah. That's really fair. Cut to them being like, she was an obvious lesbian. Yeah.

And she wouldn't stop making out with her hand. Yeah, yeah. She was at school every day being like, hey, boys. No, that's really good, though. It's good to be prepared. One time I made out with the mirror in my bathroom, and I had showered, and then I like, I hate that I'm saying this, and I left the bathroom, and then my brother went into the bathroom, and he went, ew.

oh i'm dead and he was like it looks like grace made out with the mirror oh my god jack what the fuck because i guess they were like lip marks all over the mirror like the the fog had settled literally like i should have been like we're never talking again right then yeah yeah i should have been like you're literally not my brother anymore that's so uncool disowned as

As siblings, all we're supposed to do is help each other get better and get laid. Get laid. Literally protect each other. That's all you have to do as siblings. And also team up with me against mom and dad. Don't tell them that I'm a horny little freak making out with the mirror. Exactly. Also, yeah, there were some really ugly years in my life too. And it's like, I just know I was looking like a little fucking freak when I was making out with the mirror. I totally, I gave up my brother's porn stash to my mom.

Are you talking like physical porn stash? Yeah. I don't really know why he was doing it so Oregon Trail, like analog style. That's so cool. Because we had iPod Touches. So I was on there doing my thing. I was my shit. Right. I was my shit on the iPod Touch. But yeah, he had physical nudie mags and he had a big stash under his bed. And one time him and his friends were playing. His friends were such little fucking burnout losers. And I know you guys listen, but it's true. Right. And.

They were playing PlayStation and they wouldn't let me play. And I was like, I want to play. I'm sick of this. You guys have been playing all day. And they're like, no, fuck you. You don't get to play. These are the rules. And I was like, okay, fine.

And then I just, I left, I left the house. I went and did something else. You closed the door like this? Yeah. I went, I went, all right. I left the house and did something else all day. And as soon as mom got home, I was like, Colton has a bunch of porn magazines under his bed. And then she took them and he got grounded, which actually is really sex negative. And my mom should have been better. And we've talked about it as adults. And she agrees that that was not the right move. Right.

So don't come for Kelly. Please. See, that is the hard thing. That is going to be so weird as a parent. Yeah, what do you do? I don't. You just have to let it slide. When your kid's horny as fuck and being weird. You have to let it slide, I think. Do you have to let them make out with the mirror like a sex pest? Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Yeah, that's such a specific example, but yeah. Yeah, but yeah, you have to let that slide. What do you think about rainbow gay people? Like gay people who really do the rainbow merch. Here's the thing, I'm not surrounded by them at all. Nor am I, but I know some. I don't even know if I know a single rainbow gay person by name. By name. Here's what happens. I will say, in New York and LA, I'm a jaded, coastal...

fed up gay who would never do rainbow merch but in the middle of the country when I see a gay person wearing like a rainbow tank top and like a love wins bracelet I'm like that's my sister yeah definitely that's my brother that's my cousin that's my mother that's my father

Because it means something different. So I know a lot of them in the Midwest. Yeah. It's the same as carrying like an RBG tote. Like if I see someone carrying an RBG tote in New York or LA, I'm like, okay, you fucking nerd ass loser. Right, but in Missouri it'd be like... But in Kansas City, I'm like your sibling. Yeah, of course. It's different. That makes sense. But I'm not a rainbow gay person anymore. I was for a bit, obviously. No, I mean the gay people I hang out with are wearing all black. Thank you. And it's like...

Yeah. And we're wearing all black. I know for sure I'm going to be wearing basically all black on Pride Day. Yeah. I don't know what's wrong with me. You're going to be wearing neutrals. I'm not proud enough. I need to listen to that Taylor Swift song more. Which one? What's that one? Oh, Shade Never Made It. Yeah. I need to listen to that more. She ate with that. Yeah. It's so cool how vocal she is about things. Yeah.

You better be very careful. I know. Because you do not live a protected enough life. You guys, I actually listened to Taylor Swift today. What'd you listen to? I listened to the song Enchanted. It was enchanting to meet you. Well, the thing is, you know, in a way I feel like I could be falling in love right now. And so I am listening to this song thinking, yeah, that's my life. Do you know what Taylor Swift's song I think of when I think of gay people? The one where she says...

that's fine. I'll tell mine that you're gay. Yes. And by the way, I hate that stupid old pickup truck. That thing? Yep. Eight. You know, she took out that lyric. I, yeah, I know. Cause I mentioned it on. What the hell is that girl doing? Clearly we're not on her team. I mentioned on stage once that I liked that lyric and was joking about how homophobic it is and how funny I think that is. And a Swifty screamed out at me from the audience. She would,

I was like, I know. Put down the machine gun. Jesus Christ. It's really crazy. They go to war for this woman. Right. But here's the thing. I went to the Heirs Tour. I had time of my life. It's a great tour. Did I black out? Yeah. Sure. Do I remember most of it?

Maybe I remember 30% of it. Yeah. But it was so long that that's actually basically a full concert that I remember. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The 30% you have. I remember one hour. Yeah. It's long. Of the 17 and a half that she performed. I went to two nights in a row. Wait, you did? Yes. In Missouri? In Kansas City. Oh.

And it was wonderful. I will say, I've always appreciated Taylor's music. Yeah. I genuinely have been a fan of hers when she was country, when she came out, when she was first country. And I liked her then. I've enjoyed all the eras. I don't think I'm a super fan. I'm not the way that people are analyzing the lyrics and stuff. Right.

I've always enjoyed her stuff and thought she makes cool, good, poppy music. I like it. The heiress to her, I have a newfound respect for her. Same. That show is nuts. I know. She puts on a fucking show. Right. And to do that, I'm like, I do, if my team asks me to do two headlining hour sets in a night, an early and a late show, I'm like, I'm a coal miner. Without, I seriously agree. I'm the hardest working person in America. Yes.

I'm literally doing like underwater. Like I cannot believe. Also the way I complain when someone asks me to do 20 minutes at a show. I'm like, what am I? Sure. I'm Richard Pryor. What am I doing? Crazy. I can't. So to see her do back to back nights of one of the most strenuous shows I've ever seen. I'm like, I would not last a minute. I do think she's a full robot. Yeah. There's a reason she's a billionaire and I never will be.

She earned that. That's not true. She earned that. You will be a billionaire. She earned her billions. Billionaires earn their money. Every single billion of that one billion. Every single billion of the one billion she earned. Billionaires earn their money. That's my hot take. I obviously don't think that. I know, but you do and you are always on the record saying that. Who's your favorite billionaire?

Mine's Mark Cuban. Oh my God. I actually do love him. Yeah. Is he a billionaire? I love Mark Cuban. Thank God he's a bill. If he weren't, I would go, whatever you guys make on this episode, send it to him. Send it to him. We make, we probably make like two or 300 billion. Yeah. A hundred billion. Sorry. Uh,

Is it weird that I think if Mark Cuban ran for office, I might hear the pitch? No, I think that would be interesting. Is that crazy? I know. It's like I think he's got – Mark Cuban, I think you've got a sensibility about you. He seems real to me. You should have him on.

Yeah. Yes, that is so cool. Cost Plus Drugs. It's a pharmacy that Mark Cuban started that sells medicine at cost, right? I think he's a good guy, Mark Cuban. Also, I love being like, he's a good guy. He's selling medicine at cost. Yeah. That's how bad our bad guys are. Yeah. Our bad guys.

He's selling things for exactly what they're worth. Yeah, for life-saving stuff. Yep. That's how bad our bad guys are. It's such a funny point. Yeah. That is so funny. Yeah, I think he's good. I think Mark Cuban, if you wanted to run for office, I would at least hear the pitch. I would have to hear about some other things, but... Morally, I don't know about her, but I do love Barbara Cochran as a vibe. As a vibe, yeah. Yeah, is that her name? Barbara Cochran? So...

She doesn't matter. Of course a girl's not a billionaire. Girls can't be billionaires. They can't. They're not allowed. I've been watching so much Shark Tank lately. Have you? What do you think? Any good ideas in there? No, actually. Anything we should scoop up? They're getting worse. They're getting worse. Well, yeah, we're really scraping the barrel on inventions. I know. And it's funny that they're like, every episode, they're like, and now let's hear again from Bombas. And it's the socks every time. And it's like, oh.

I can't. You ever had a pair of those? Bombas? I don't even think I know what they are. You don't know what bombas are? What's bombas? They're socks. Thank God. I knew we'd have one bomba in the room. I don't know bombas. It's a sock. Bomba babes. I had one pair, but here's the problem with bombas is, and I'll say this to them.

They're ugly socks. Okay, no worries. So yeah, they're good for your feet, but I'm not going to wear some. I couldn't do it anymore. You get to a party and they have you take your shoes off and you go, oh, fuck. Now I have to reveal that I'm a Bomba Diva. Can I just clean the bottom of my shoes? I'm wearing blouses. Please, please. Please, fuck. Don't make me fucking do this. Please, God. But see, you're wearing like tennis shoes, so it's fine.

Okay. Thank you. Everyone in the studio audience is crying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is the show we're getting so many people in here now to watch the pod that it's almost becoming every show's a live taping. Have you thought about maybe having like a Patreon tier where people can pay, what do you think, 20 grand to come in and watch an episode? It would have to be a number like that. To bring in a stranger would have to be a number close to that. And whoever's paying that, woo!

20 grand a month. You can come and sit in the studio and Grace can insult your socks. Yeah. Hey. I'm not insulting socks. I'm actually giving constructive criticism to a brand that needs help. Yeah. I'm helping a small business thrive. I am Mark Cuban. Grace, do you watch any sports? So that's going to be a no for sure. Just so you know. Not at all. Like.

No. You're not even watching women's basketball now that everyone's doing that? I'll go to a New York Liberty game. Yeah. And I'll watch it on TV. I'll watch sports. I'm just like, if you said to me, oh God, the Rangers are doing bad this year, I'd be like,

Are they? There's nothing I wouldn't believe. New York Liberty is such a... There's a thing I love about New York culture, New York City culture, that my sceny New York friends, I'll see them start popping up at something and I'm like, oh, we're trying to make this a thing now. Are you talking about the WNBA? No. No. No.

No. We are trying to make the WNBA a thing now. My trendy friends trying to make women have a living wage. The WNBA is something we're trying to make happen now. That can't be argued. And I'm very happy about it. I love when women pick up a ball. No worries. But my New York friends will specifically show up in little groups at things together. And I'm like, oh, so now this restaurant is a place I'm going to have to hear about. I mean, I have to give you, truly the WNBA in New York right now is very trendy.

Yeah. And it's kind of like, I'm going to get my group of the hottest gays anyone's ever seen in their lives and we're going to a fucking Liberty game. Yeah. And they dress like shit and they show up at the thing and it's, I see it and I go, Oh, my New York friends have, it's like when the white smoke billows from the things and they picked a new guy. Yes. You know, that's how I feel. I go, Oh, when I see my worst dressed New York friends, but they're doing it in a hot way because they're hot. Of course. When I see them and they're like, Oh my God, you guys have to eat it. Uh,

um you have to eat it at fucking pizza slut and then i go oh pizza slut's a new thing i'm gonna hear about and they're all a pizza slut right are you watching sports yes but what's your main one again football football yeah you know this about me don't pretend you don't know this about me but it's funny because like i grew up watching baseball thank you i grew up being a

I'm like, what's the last baseball player I can even say in my head? Randy Johnson. I for sure thought you were going to say Rand Paul. The way that you stopped Randy, I was like, she thinks Rand Paul is a baseball player. Rand Paul, he was a catcher just like me. He and I always had that in common.

No, football is my only thing and it's really just the Chiefs. I don't even watch. I used to watch college basketball when I was younger. I loved college basketball. But I got out of it. Right. Do you think it's more or less gay of me that I don't watch sports? I think it's a hit to your credibility as a lesbian. Definitely. Yeah. Does it make me a little more femme? Yeah, it actually does because you're not very handy either. No, I am. No, I am.

I'm like hot to the touch. I've just never seen you build. I've never seen you build something.

Baby. Baby. All I got the last two years for Christmas, two years ago, all I asked for was a toolkit. Okay. Full on electric drill, everything. Then last year, all I asked for was a meat thermometer. Okay. Please. I want you to ask for a little bit more. I know. You're really going, is the family doing okay? I'm like, that's it. Okay.

Damn. I think there could be an argument to be made, and I'm not going to make it right now, but I want the listeners to know if you'd like to defend me and come after Grace. Right. An argument you guys could make is that a truly handy lesbian, a truly, who's really building, would have had a tool set before two years ago at Christmas. So I just had a shitty one. Okay.

I made my dad kind of go in on it. A nice one. Yes. I had like a electric drill that I got from a Walgreens in Chicago years ago. Thank you. And boy, I really was using it a lot. Yeah. Okay. That's why I'm not making the argument. And now see your reputation. My fans should know. Don't make that argument. I know people are going to start zooming in on my hands and they're going to go. There's no way she's handy. There's no way she's building. They're pristine and perfect. Yeah. They're gorgeous. Haven't had a manicure in 10 years.

Really? I get my toes done all the time. Nice. What about you? Never either. Never either? Never had a manicure or a pedicure. You've got to get your toes done. My toes are gnarly. I'm afraid. I'm afraid. My toes are just, they're not ornamental. My toes are work toes. Mm-hmm.

My toes. Yeah, yeah. They're on a salary. They're working overtime. Any questions? Yeah. My toes are work toes. They get me from A to B. The thing is, it's like I find myself shoeless around people a lot. Yeah, I'll pull mine out. I'll pull mine out. I'll pull mine out. So you don't give a fuck. I have working class feet.

And that's a proud part of my heritage that I want to hang on to. Right. It's a place I like to keep the feet working class. My hands are beautiful. My skin is lovely. I've got gorgeous hair. Couldn't agree with all that. That's all for the industry. But the way I stay connected to my roots and my people is that when I take these socks and shoes off, I've got a situation under there that is absolutely working class. And you always tell me about how many toe ring athletes

ads your team has had to decline for you. They decline left and right because I've got blue collar tootsies, hun. I've got Fred Flintstone fucking knobs down there. You've been trying to do the Cartier. Cartier's been trying to get you to do a toe ring ad, but no can do. Yeah, my feet look like the way that they do up the Geico Sasquatch guys back when they were doing that.

My feet are just tough. They're actually not that bad. I don't know why. This is a podcast where I actively try to get gay guys to fuck me. And now I'm doing five minutes on my feet being disgusting. It's not working right now. Yeah, I need to stop. I'm kidding. My feet are normal. They're just not beautiful. Right. Right. They're just like a normal girl. I think you'd have fun at the spa with me.

I would go. Okay. You haven't invited me. You're right. You avoid me a lot when you're in LA. This is unfair. Because I do know you feel that way. No. You do feel that way. No, here's what happens. You, your family is in LA. They're on the westest side possible. The most western side of LA. They are in the ocean effectively. Yes. And I don't see you a lot when you come to town and that is because...

because of the fact that you're from here. Well, and here's what I'm going to blame it on. I have the most fun mom in the world. She's awesome. So it is just hard. Like truly like you have to give such a good pitch for me to choose you over my mom. And you don't think I'm giving a good pitch? Well, last night I actually did go to yours at 1130 p.m. I threw an 1130 p.m. house party last night and it's been sort of all the rave. People are talking. People are saying, and by the way, this is not something I'm saying, but if the fans in the comments want to take this up,

People are saying that I am single-handedly reviving LA house party culture. I do believe that because last night was actually crazy for a Monday. I don't think it's fair to say that I'm single-handedly doing it because my roommates pitch in and they're lovely. And your landlord. My landlord pitches in. Thank you, Pouyan, for your service. Yes.

Yeah, no, I'm trying to bring back house party culture. Right. I think here, I have something, and other people are saying this as well, I'm not alone. This summer is going to be the summer of our lives. Okay. We have got to spend money. We have got to party. We've got to blow it out because in November, I think something really bad's going to happen. I mean,

I think something really bad is coming in November. I think you're so right. And so I think this summer we need to blow it out. I think you're so right. Yeah, summer of our lives. I do really feel this is going to be the best summer of my life. It might be the last. I have unbelievable... I'm like tingly all over thinking about it. I'm teeming with anticipation. Oh God, I can't wait. I think I'm going to fuck. I think I'm going to make money. I think I'm going to spend more than I make. Yes. I'm going to be in the hole come fall. One of my favorite things to do, by the way, is...

Go in the red. Come autumn, I'm in the red. Yep. I am going to have a broke boy autumn outfit.

Because in the summer, I'm going to be doing so many things I shouldn't do. I might experiment with new drugs. Ooh. I want new tattoos. Yep. I want to have crazy sex. Yeah. I might sleep with a woman again. Did you get a tattoo last night, by the way? No, I had a tattoo artist at my party last night. I'm just, this is the kind of guy I am. I'm a fun, fun-loving guy who will do this kind of stuff. Uh-huh. He was doing Flash. My friend Gio, who did this tattoo. Caleb also had an exotic pet zoo. Yeah. At the party last night.

Yeah, we just called those... They were all, like, illegal animals. It was so cool to see. Baby, those are just straight people. I...

I had a tattoo artist. I didn't get to get a tattoo because I was letting everyone else go to be a generous host. Really sweet. You can never take from me that I'm a generous and beautiful host. But I wanted one bad. Yeah. And I didn't get to get one. Yeah. I was really thinking about it. But I'm so not a risk taker. Like never have been, never will be. It just simply wasn't in the cards for me. That's okay. I know. But it's like, you know, I have enough tattoos. You'd think I'd be okay with it, but I can't.

You're not going to do it impulsively? I'm not going to do an impulsive tattoo. I was telling this to someone at the party last night. They were telling me, oh, I'm a person who only gets tattoos if I have the idea and then I make myself wait a year and if I still like it, I'll get it. Yeah. And I was like, opposite. I think a tattoo should only be gotten the moment you think of it. Interesting. You should never think about a tattoo for more than an hour. I am so glad I do not take that advice. I have had some horrible tattoo ideas. I think that's awesome.

I at one point really, really wanted, oh God, I was sick in the head. I wanted a tattoo from a Regina Spector lyric. Aww. Yeah. What was it? Do you remember? This song, I saw her live alone in Nashville. I was there for like four days for work a year ago. And I like was not doing well mentally and I was alone. Was it the Ryman? Yeah.

Yes. Oh, I love the rhyme. One of the best theaters I've ever been to. Love the rhyme. And I like paid money. I sat front row balcony. It was incredible, but I was sobbing the whole time. She sang a new song that is on one of her newer albums called Loveology. Anyways, I thank God I did not get that tattoo. I think it would have been better if you did. The word Loveology on my body? I think it would have been better if you did. No, no, no, no. I'm a very big proponent of bad tattoos being character building. I think it's beautiful. I think it's a fun story. I think it would be really fun if in two years you had to say to someone that you're hooking up with for the first time,

Sorry, I went to Nashville. Because you would get to tell them then. But then I'd have to go, this is a Regina Spektor tattoo. Don't look at her Instagram. You wouldn't be scared by her political beliefs. You telling someone, I got a tattoo that says Loveology because I spent four days in Nashville for work. I was in a really bad place. I went to a concert alone at the Ryman. That's a beautiful reason to have a bad tattoo. Yeah, but I still have that with tattoos I waited five years to get. Sure, exactly. So why not just get it in the first place?

The outcome is the same. Okay, fair. I have a giant fork running down my arm that I got. I know, which is so sexy, by the way. Is it? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know. No, I really do. I got it at a woman's apartment in Pittsburgh. She had been giving tattoos for two months. What?

And this is the kind of stuff I'm doing to my precious one body that I get. Interesting. It looks really good and frankly purposeful. She did really good. I like the placement of it. Carly Kane, our friend, got the same tattoo as me, the same fork in the same place, and she got an infection that I would describe. We got it while she was opening for me on my tour, my big US tour last year. So this is recent. This was last year. She got an infection that was so gnarly that the entire tour I had to lie to her. She kept being like...

She kept being like, how's your tattoo healing? And I was like, I think the same as yours. Oh my God. Wait, you're just not showing her? Mine was still under the thing, but you could tell hers was bubbling with different colors. It's a black ink tattoo. And she was like, she's had tattoos before, but she goes, my skin.

She goes, my skin is really hot. No. Do you think it should be? It's like five days after. And I was like, oh, I think that's normal.

It was so red and weird. And I just kept being like, I think this is a problem. I was like, I don't know. I think we have a show tonight. Let's just focus up. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It was so funny. It's funny because I think I remember you guys even posting, like, we need Pittsburgh tattoo recs. And also, like, posting them after. Uh-huh. Woo!

Yeah. Yeah. So she got a pretty gnarly infection and mine was just normal mode. So that's a brutal. Where's hers? Same place. Same exact place. God, that's cute. Yeah. A lot of my tattoos are matching. I got this one's matching Shelby Wolstein. Oh, we got them when our dads died at Grim Reaper checking his watch. Amazing. This one's matching with Claire McDonald. Love it. Milkshakes for when we used to get milkshakes after the Chicago shows. Remember BYOT?

Oh, yeah. We're at the crowd theater. Yeah. So bring your own team to do an improv show, do an improv show. Yeah. Classic iconic. Yeah. We got some good. First of all, we're incredible at improv comedy. We really are. And it's in what and what is it worth? Absolutely nothing. Say it again. Come on.

We have a skill that is worth absolutely nothing. I know. Isn't that so crazy? Long form improv is at this point like being good at wagon making. Okay, but you know what? I'm going to go ahead and say that there's actually a lot more skills that are equally as unrewarding that get better praise. Yeah. I'll say one. Dance. Oh. Here's...

Hear me out. Oh, that's not. Hear me out. I thought about this a lot. Yeah, okay. Basically, we're taught as little kids, you got to get your kid into dance. You know, there'll be a professional dancer one day. How many professional dancers do you know making a living wage? A couple, but not a million. And how many improv comedians do you know who are now comedians who make a lot of money?

okay point taken okay you see where i am going with this point taken i'm just saying it's a stepping stone that was a beautiful thing you just did thank you so much you really shit on dancers in such a beautiful way just now well because i'm just the thing that shocks me about it is how much money i know people put into dance yeah and how the reap the reap is low yeah they're

They're not getting out what they put. The ROI is low, low, low. Yeah, exactly. Well, a lot of them turn out to be, you know, they have an appreciation for art. Sure. They have a cool thing to do at a party. Well, that's actually going to be the biggest factor. That's the best thing you get out of it. Being cool at a party? Yeah. You know what really cracks me up? And this is a little mean, and I'm sorry because some of my friends are implicated in it.

But in LA, the culture of going to that playhouse place where they do the dance videos. Oh my God. And you'll just randomly... I have never seen a more surefire piece of evidence that one of my friends is going through something. I know. Than when I see them pop up on my TL in a baggy pair of sweatpants. Completely agree. Drenched in sweat in Air Force Ones in a dance class where they do high 4K video. Yep.

It's such an LA thing that they'll be like, and I'm like, oh, good. Oh, so you're going through it. By the way, we have to go and get it. Yeah, actually we have to go and get a video. Well, you know, what's funny is there is a part of me that would like to, and that's the thing about how I'm a hater. I'm a hater in the way that like everything I'm willing to hate on, like the way I just went after dancers right now for no reason. People were finding joy in their life. At least five to 10 to 90% of me wants to do it as well. Yeah.

Yeah, of course. That's just me. That's just how I hate. I hate on things that I would like to have. And that's the easiest thing to hate on, obviously. Yeah, there's a thin line between love and hate, and I like to walk it. Uh-huh. With my gnarled... Your gnarled, fucked up toes. My gnarled feet. Yeah. That you won't put away for some reason. Yeah, I actually... You know what's funny? I put socks on for this episode for you, because I just knew. I knew the feet were going to come up somehow. You weren't wearing socks in your last episode. I was wearing Birks with no socks. Oh, my God.

It's LA, baby. No, I mean, you can do that. I'm just, I do find it really funny that you put them on. Yeah, I put on socks. Full outfit change. The last episode recording, we banked the episodes, you guys. We're in here a lot. Oh, yeah, sorry. No, they know by now. Reveal the secret. It's trade secret. It got so hot in here last episode that I was sweating to such an extent that I worried that my feet would smell. So I put socks on.

just in case I was smelly for you. Okay, it's horrifying when you think your feet could smell. Dude. Because it's really hard to know. You don't know and then all of a sudden what'll happen is someone will be like, whose feet fucking stink? I know. And then you'll know. Because it's such a specific smell. Yeah. And then you'll know because you'll be like, I know I've been sweating. I'm the stinky foot guy. It's crazy. We need, all right.

Two things that scientists need to work on. One, a breathalyzer that will tell you if your breath smells. And two, something that goes in your shoe lets you know if your feet are going to smell. Can I tell you something? What? I have a friend who has such consistently bad breath. And she is a beautiful woman. And she is so creative and wonderful and lovely. Yeah. And every time I have to hug her.

I feel like I would almost rather be stabbed because her breath is so horrific and she doesn't seem to know. And she was at, she was at my party last night and she gave me a hug. And I'm telling you the way I had, I'd forgotten cause I hadn't seen her in a bit. She came in for the hug with a big open mouth smile.

Do you remember in Spongebob the ship captain? No, even the ship captain who is made of green. You remember him? The Flying Dutchman? Her breath embodies that to me. Oh my God, just lingering. Obviously I feel bad bringing up Spongebob because obviously there's a more clear reference to make about bad breath and I didn't know that.

Yeah. Because you started to go down an alley that everyone was really interested in. And everyone was kind of on board. Everyone was really interested. There's a breath thing in Spongebob? Yeah, isn't there? Right. Yeah. Kind of a perfect. Do you like Spongebob? Totally. I don't like it. Really? I think that Spongebob is, I think he's an annoying. And I think Patrick is a fucking idiot. You know he says that about you, by the way. I don't care.

I don't care. I literally, I wish he would. I think he dresses like shit. I was just on his podcast. He said the exact same shit about you. I hate his outfit. I think the fucking, the pet snail is a weird choice. I don't like Patrick. I think he's a fucking moron. I think Squidward is one of the realest people to ever live. I think Mr. Crab should be murdered. I think Pearl is ugly as fuck.

I don't like the way she behaves. I think Plankton is one of the realest fucking people to ever live. Yep. I think Plankton is real. I love that he has a computer wife. I think Squibbler is awesome. I think they treat him like shit and he's literally just doing his fucking thing. I think he's vibing out. I think Sandy's a dick. She is. And not in a fun way. No. I don't like the way she behaves. Sandy is, by the way, that type of dick that Sandy is. Yeah. My least favorite type. Yeah. She's a fucking. Don't know. I can't even describe it. She's a hey mama's dick. It's so fucking annoying. She's a hey mama's dick.

And I don't like her. I don't like that. And I don't like that she lives in that thing. No, me neither. And the fucking lifeguard, the big lobster. What's his name? Larry the Lobster. Die, bitch. Yeah. I don't like Larry. I literally think that show is demented as fuck. I don't like it. The guy who hides pickles under his tongue to fucking confuse the staff. Yeah.

Who the fuck invented that? In the same way that earlier Caleb was like, careful what you say about Taylor Swift. They'll come for you. I'm like, Spongebob heads, get out. I want death threats in his DMs. Caleb, everybody's in clit. Lesbians circle me. Circle me. I need to tell my truth. Circle me. Y'all truth or circle me now.

No, I just don't. I think that show is fucking demented. I truly rewatched an episode recently, maybe a couple months ago, and was like, yep, this is genius. So we're really not going to be able to agree on this. No worries. Well, what's so true to you? Soda's actually fine. And if you want to hate on soda, you're fat phobic.

Wow. Hey, I'll choose to that any day of the week. What? Okay. You know what we should do? You should do for this clip is have your video editors make us skinny so that it actually goes viral and people believe. Yeah. So that it hits harder. Well,

What is the biggest soda hate that you're hearing? I just keep hearing people be like, no, diet soda is worse than regular soda. I'm like, I'm pretty sure that everything that we can eat basically is bad for us, and it's literally fine.

Also, I think if I want to have a Dr. Pepper every couple days, every once in a while. Yeah. Here's what I'll say. On your so true of that being fat phobic, gay people who say things like, oh, I just want to be with someone who takes care of themselves or the no fats thing, like the anti-fat thing they do. These are guys that are doing mess. Right. They are doing mess.

at circuit parties and they want to talk to me about i eat popeyes too much yeah i know fuck you bitch also i just want to say something i was born to be fat yes in every life i'm sure of it it's not soda it's not anything that's making me fat guys i literally was born this way in every single universe we were gonna be fat

That's actually only true of you. I shouldn't be as fat as I am. Of course not. I'm definitely adding to it. I know. I will say. That's my personal truth is that I was maybe born to be like a little chunky and I've let things go. Here's what I'll say. You know how semis aren't allowed to go too fast down a hill? No.

That's what you're doing. I was always going to be a semi going down a hill, but I didn't have to let off the brakes. You know what I mean? I definitely went to a new place with it, but I love where I'm at. I think I'm gorgeous. I think you are so hot. I'm just saying God gave me an inch and I took a mile. Yep. And that's your right to do. God gave a mouse a cookie and I said, where's the rest? Freedom of speech, freedom of fat, honey. Yeah, absolutely.

No, I think you're right. Soda is delicious and important. Well, it's just like if you're we're going to hate on soda, then we have to go after literally every single thing in the entire world. Absolutely. I'm so I'm and I'm so sick of people just like really only hating on diet soda. It's like, let me just choose where I want to put my sugar. Let me just choose that. How's that? Like if I to me, I'm just like I should be able to have a diet soda and then be like, great. I've had no sugar today.

That's how my brain thinks it is. That's how it is. I'm allowed to do that. Scientifically. Scientists have discovered this. Right. So then it's like I can do whatever I want the rest of the day. You know what's interesting? Soda haters, they're always real quiet about the conflict in the Middle East. Why don't you speak up on something that fucking matters, bitch? I'm like, you're right. You hate Diet Coke. I'm thinking about every single person I've heard talk shit about Diet Coke. Yeah.

Yeah, they haven't said anything. I checked all their Instagram stories today. Nothing. They post nothing about the Middle East. No, it really is. The funny thing about people who come after... Any vice that fat people have that other people come after, it's the only vice they've ever given a fuck about. Right. They don't have anything to say about thin people who smoke weed so much that they can't fucking function. They don't have anything to say about people that are doing cocaine to an extent that they're certainly going to die soon. They don't say anything about people who are...

Like that cancel all their plans and sit in their fucking house and do absolutely nothing but watch reality TV. Yeah. Any of these things that are not in excess healthy for you. I know. That are fine and in measure. Any of those things they don't want to talk about. They only have things to say about what fat people indulge in. Yes. Also the people who I know who never go to the gym like ever are the skinniest people I know. 100%. So I'm running for office. Yeah. I would vote. If you and Mark Cuban were on a ticket together. Yeah.

The way I would be in the booth. It's kind of beauty and brains. He's beauty. I'm brains. Absolutely. He's got that chiseled older man jawline. And I've got that just like just so much experience in politics. Yeah. You're the policy mind. Money, money, money, money, money. Yeah. He's Kamala your Joe. Right. Absolutely. I need that bad. Yeah. I love that so true. That was a perfect so true to me. Okay. Was it? Yes. Thank God.

And I'm, we're going to keep the train of talking about truth trolling because I have a segment for you. Okay. And here's what it is. I'm going to read you 15 true or false statements. Okay. They have an objective true answer or false answer. Uh, we're going to read them all to you. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can, which is an imperative part of the game. If you think they're true or false. I have extended time for ADHD and dyslexia, by the way. You do not. Okay. Um,

We do not do accommodations here. No, of course you do. And if you get 10 or more correct, we're going to give you 50 US dollars. Okay.

false false true false true true true true false true

True. False. Alligators can survive in salt and fresh water. True. False. Only fresh water. Palm trees had to be imported to Los Angeles. True. True. Harold Ramis directed Animal House. True. False. John Landis. A standard box of Ritz crackers comes with four sleeves of crackers.

False. True. All Treasure Island grocery stores in Chicago are permanently closed. True. True. There have been 11 theatrically released Star Wars movies. False. True. Law and Order Criminal Intent is the longest running primetime American drama series. False. False. SVU. Hummingbirds are the only birds that can fly backwards. True. True. The Burbank airport only has one public restroom. False. False. It has seven. And she got seven. Oh.

Can I tell you though, you won in your own way because you are the first guest out of, I don't know how many records we've done at this point, 15, something like that. You were the first guest to ever really commit to getting that speed down. Really? You got that speed down, baby. That's the whole point you said. Well, I said it. I think we learned something here today. Me saying it maybe helps because you went fast. You guys see how I closed my eyes? You were locked in. You guys saw that?

I have seen commercial airline pilots that are less locked in than you were just locked in. Absolutely. Wait, do you want to hear something bad that just happened to me? Yeah. I was doing – Always. I did Sabrina Breyer's Hotel Cafe shows for Defenses of Joke Fest. I guessed it on them. And I was talking to the audience and I wanted to try out this new thing about – I was talking about my experience on a flight. And I was like talking about – I only fly first class. People know this about me now. And it's because I'm one of the biggest people alive. And –

Also because I've got a little bit of money. I don't know what to tell you. I fly first class now. No, literally. Cheers, cheers. Cheers, cheers. And I was talking to the audience and I was like, you guys know, I was like, I feel so jealous. I have existential dread when the flight attendants push the cart out to block the galley so that the pilots can come out and pee. You guys know about that? No one in the audience knew about it. And I realized in my joke that it's because none of them are flying first class and

And it was the first time I have ever... On stage, I was in the moment realizing that I am telling an unrelatable story about my stupid little life. And I thought it was going to be relatable so much so that I got on stage and told it. And I literally was like, do you guys know about this? Have you seen the flight attendants do this? And everyone goes, no. There's...

I was talking to a room full of Spirit Airlines divas, and I'm a Delta first class king, and it was really, really crazy. Wait, that is crazy because...

so many years ago, I must've been like 10 or something. Um, my family and I went to see Amy Schumer and Judd Apatow and they did a standup show. And I remember Judd Apatow told a joke about like getting his daughters, like something that was like five grand. And after my dad, my dad, I was like, well, how would you think of Judd? And my dad was like, just was really unrelatable. I wish I could get my daughter something that nice. And I was like, Oh my God, that's what it is.

That was... Grace, that one was tough. That was... That was a moment of sadness. Parents can only drop that kind of stuff. I know. So anyway, that's just something for the listeners to chew on. Oh, my God. Oh, we love you! Yeah, ha!

Is there anything you want to plug to our millions of listeners? You can follow me on Instagram at G Cool and Schmidt. Just figure out how to spell it. Yeah. And that's the block. I have a podcast with my friend Joe Castle Baker called Finally. And that's it. I love you so much. I love you so much. Thanks for having me. Thanks for doing it. Wait, can we kiss? No. Cut.