Amy Miller Wants to Be Invisible
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They also offer 12-hour protection against leaks, which is a game changer. Get your baby's butt into the best-fitting diaper. Huggy's Little Movers. We got you, baby. She's always been a great cook, but she just, like, wasn't around when I was a kid. Do you like—that's so sad. She was partying. She was partying. I know, it's really sad. That's sad. Yeah, my dad died, and then she used his pension to buy a red Mazda Miata.

And two seats, four kids. Will you avoid me like the plague? No. That's not true. We're both just on the move a lot. Are we recording even? Wow, this is so beautiful. We're on the move.

So you never see me and I never see you. What do you think that's about? I'm two hours late. Yeah, you're very late to the recording. I want to see you so much more. Why don't you? I'm going to be in town more in the next few months. I moved. I know. Okay. So I'll see you out there. So I'll see you out on the road. I can see you

See you out in Kansas City. You can come to Kansas City. I'd love for you to come to Kansas City. I have family there, as you know. I do know that. But you don't like them. I love them so much. Nice. Yeah, yeah. I was just making something up for fun. But I typically don't travel when it's not for making money. Yeah. Well, you love money.

I don't have any. I've always said about you, you love money. I think I would really enjoy it in the abstract of me ever having it. When I think about me having money, I see a person who enjoys it. You do. It looks good on you. You know, money's been nice. Can I have some? Yeah, of course. Oh, good. Okay. You guys are showing up on time, though.

It was tough to park. Traffic. Oh, my God. I'm pretty sure we have a spot for you. And that comes in the invitation as well. No, no, it was taken. What? I know. Oh, my God. I read all the instructions. I know that about you. First thing I'll buy with the money. When the money comes. The abstract money. A helicopter. You'll get a helicopter. Just to get places on time in this town. Could I convince you to buy property instead? Oh, well, you can live in it.

The helicopter. Yeah. And you would, knowing you. That's the first. I bought one new car in my life ever. And the first thing I did was crawl into it to lay down at the dealership. Oh. And they were like, are you planning to live in it? Yeah, they were like, honey. I just want to see if it's feasible. Right. Just in case. Seems like a lot of money to spend. You got that tattoo at my party. I got this tattoo at your party. What does it mean? I don't know. Couldn't tell you by Gio. It was the one that I picked, though. By Howdy Cowboy. Yeah.

Yeah, it's...

And this one, I just really like television. You do love television. I love to look at it. Oh, you love television. I'd love to work on it. I would love. Someone give us a ring. I know. God. Brother, sister comedy. Me and you. Constantly fighting. Do you think brother and sister, me and you? Would it be a romantic involvement? I was kind of hoping. It would be kind of good. A May December. A gay December. A gay December. Yeah.

You've done lesbianism a time or two. Yeah. Yeah. What got you out of it? I haven't ruled it out. I told my boyfriend that he would probably be the last man I ever dated. And he was like, oh, that's sweet. And I was like, you missed a word in that. You missed, yeah. Yeah.

Current boyfriend. Yeah. Still boyfriend. Yeah, we live together. Really beautiful. Oh, thank you. That's nice. How is it? He's really sweet. It's good. I'm readjusting to having a man live in my space. But as men in spaces go, pretty good one. Because men in spaces can be so tough. Oh, my God. Like living with a wild animal. Yeah. But you've caged one. You got one you like. I keep him tied up. And he likes it.

Do you know what I was just talking to Chance about earlier today? The question came up, how did I meet you? And I was like, oh, Amy helped me set up my first show in LA. That's right. At The Lyric. Wow. You helped me out. Still waiting for my commission on that one. You want your $200? I'll send it your way. And then had me on your podcast with Steve. Yes, because we met in Chicago. We did. And...

Fell in love right away. Fell in love deeply and quickly. I knew it would be a great success. Ugh, when do you think that's going to happen? In LA, and it was a good investment of my time. When do you think that's going to happen? We're watching it. I want someone to make a statue of me. Who's going to make a statue of me? It's a supermoon tonight. This is a good time to manifest. Tonight's supermoon? What does that mean? I don't know. Oh.

Um, I know that people who want to see the comet are very frustrated by the light of the super moon because it makes it harder to see the comet. Fuck. I know. There's a lot of celestial shit going on right now. I don't know anything about any of it. Yeah. I don't know about astrology. But you're happy to sort of repeat it. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, I do love the super moon. I...

know that it does change when my period starts the moon yeah never feel more like an animal the moon changes when your period starts i'm not the only one i'm not a werewolf yeah yeah periods are so fascinating to me i know bad deal oh it's awful i i mean i've known for years

I wasn't going to have kids. So what do I need any of this for? You don't have any kids. No. Not for you. It's a little late. Not for Amy Miller. They would have needs if I had them now. And don't they all? And how precious, right? But

It's just a little late for me. I don't think it's ever too late. Thank you. Why? Because of Edie Falco? Exactly. Oh, yeah. The Edie Falco rule. Lest we all forget. If you have success from The Sopranos, you can have children later in life. That's...

Hello. Ever heard of it? In your 50s. What are you going to manifest with this moon? Hopefully like a very relaxing winter of gaining knowledge, seeing friends and doing fun activities. Are you going to stay in town?

Well, most of it, yeah. Yeah. Not probably for Christmas. I don't know. There's a lot of drama going on in my family. In the Bay? Yes. A lot of drama in the Bay? Yes. Always. Now, for those who are uninitiated, you're from the Bay Area. Born in San Francisco. Born in San Francisco. There for a while. Then you lived in Portland briefly. Yep. Three years. Three years. And then you moved to LA. I moved to New York and then I moved to LA. You moved to New York? Yeah. I didn't even know that. Mm-hmm.

How long have you been here? How are you liking it? New York, I'm loving it. It's not eating you alive? Well, it couldn't eat me alive. I never felt that way either. Yeah, it would have when I was 20. It's like, toughen up. Toughen up. And also, I gotta say, if you have any kind of financial stability, New York is wonderful. Yeah, of course. Because these things that people are stressed out about, they're like, oh, the train's delayed. I'm like, yeah, I'll take a car.

I'm sorry. It's just going to be fine. I'm going to be okay. I'm not getting on the train. I know that. I'm not getting on the train if it's delayed. I'm not waiting on it. I would rather walk six miles. I'm biking everywhere. I love it. I'm bicycling everywhere, which I used to do in Chicago, and I kind of forgot that I loved it because L.A. is a nightmare city. Oh, too scary. L.A. is so beautiful, but you can't bike anywhere. People who bike here are crazy to do it. It's really, and people think it's...

it's more dangerous in New York but everything biking walking driving there feels safer and more logical they're more European in their deference to bicyclists and walkers they do stop a little bit more they'll honk but they'll stop while they're doing it LA I saw myself I noticed how I was driving in LA yesterday and I said this isn't right this isn't me the way I'm driving is not safe I could have killed that person

But it's just something about L.A. I might have. I really... No, I didn't. I saw how I was behaving behind the wheel in L.A. as soon as I touched back down and I said, this isn't right. There's a coordination in New York where... Because most of the drivers are professional drivers, right? So if you get in there with your amateur driving, there's like...

People are working together. Yeah. You know, even the pedestrians, you're coming through an intersection, New Yorkers are waving, keep going, we got it. I'm not going to let you hit me. You're not going to. Yeah. Let's just keep everything moving. And in LA, it's like every motherfucker for themselves. If you were a car, what kind of car do you think you'd be? Probably a Jeep Grand Wagoneer. Really? Wood paneling. Older. Forest green. Older with the wood paneling. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

And camel leather seats. Ooh. Yeah. I'd love to be in there. Something John Candy would be seen driving. Well, you know I'm... I'm John Candy. I'm trying to be John Candy. Would you mind not doing that? I'm trying to take over... You're not pure enough. Whoa. I know. I know. You don't think I'm pure enough? No, he's so pure of heart and mind. You don't find me to be pure of heart and mind? I think you're motivated by sex, drugs, and money.

Two out of three ain't bad. Yeah. Two out of three ain't bad. I think I'm pure of heart and mind. I think, yeah, I don't think you're going to turn, like have a heel turn. But I think that John Candy was, I don't know, he was more guarded and just innocent. Whoa. Yeah. That's really hurtful.

I'm yeah. Can be scary. A deviant. You find me to be scary. No, say more about that. Who do you think is scared by me? Um, whoever you decide should be. That's really nice. I like that actually. We're the same that way. You can be scary. Thank you. I would never fear you, but I could see why one would. You have no reason to. I wouldn't. Not ever, ever. I'm on the good side. I'm here to protect you. You'll protect me. Yeah. You're my guardian angel in many ways. Yes. And during the super moon, you know, I pray for you.

Yeah, of course. Of course, when the super moon is here, you pray for me. Like a good friend. Because your period's getting weird and you've got things to think about. It just starts early when the moon comes out. Really? Yeah, it's going to start tonight. I'll text you. Send me a pic. I definitely will. Send me a pic. I do keep track of all my friends' periods just in case any of them try to lie to the government about their moves. Someone's being a bitch. Yeah, someone's being... I go, I go, someone says I'm a bitch to me. I go, hold on.

May 12th. I do track, but there's no apps for people who want to track because we don't want children. We just want to know what's going on. So the app will often be like, congrats, your period's late. And I'm like, no. That's not the goal here. No, thank you. No. Does it tell you when you're ovulating? Yes. How does that feel? What's it like to ovulate? Okay.

You know those nights, days, whatever, where you just feel like, I'm so hot today and I could convince anybody to do anything? Yes. Yes. Most of your days. I have a lot of those days lately. Last year or so, I'm raking those days in. Ovulation is peak that. You feel just sexy and on top of it? Yeah, and you can feel when it's happening even if you're not tracking it.

There's some period hoppers in the room, yeah. Yeah, oh, the best sets I've ever had. I'm like, I'm a puppet master. Yeah. Like, this audience doesn't even know. They think I'm extra funny because I dropped a fucking egg. Yeah. And they can smell it. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. That part, I shouldn't have said that. Yeah, I didn't like that. But they can sense it and they want to fertilize me. That's another, yeah. They're getting stronger and more powerful because I don't have that many left. Right, okay. Yeah.

I have rare precious eggs. Yeah. You did just turn 27. Thank you. Congratulations. Thanks. I feel good. Yeah. Yeah. Beautiful. I can't wait to start working on my 401k. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, get to work. Yeah, I love that. Yeah. No, no. I have a latent 403B floating out somewhere. You worked in tech. I worked in nonprofit. You worked in tech as well. Did you not? Yeah, but I don't have that 401K anymore. Nice. You spent that. Entertainment is expensive. Don't I know it. It's expensive to perform. Yes. Yes.

They take our money. You should see the way musicians are living. Have you paid attention to the way these people are touring? I know. I have one in my house. They don't make a dime. I know. My musician friends go, oh, we're not making anything on the ticket sales. Hopefully we make it up on merch. Make it up on merch. You gotta buy merch. You gotta. Merch is supposed to be the fun part. My t-shirt drawers are packed. Yeah. With

With shirts I'm never going to wear. You're so real. I should have just handed the cash to my friend. You're one of the realest people alive. I love to buy friends merch. You're really very real. I don't have any Caleb merch yet. Yeah. You know, because I like to get it in person. I refuse to go online. Yeah. Well, it's not like I haven't had a show in the last couple of years that you could have come to, eh? Well, we're in different towns a lot of the time. Yeah. And you know, the stuff with my period being weird. Hard to get out to a show, huh?

Some nights it is hard to get out to a show. All nights for me. What comedians do you have merch for but you don't have mine? I have Blair's merch. I have Beth Stelling. That hurts. Extra. Steve Hernandez. That hurts a lot. I'm way funnier than him. That one's embarrassing. I'm way funnier than him. Yeah. Steve's a fucking hack. I can't believe you have his merch. I know. Kidding. Love you, Steve. All sex stuff. Yeah. All yammery. Yeah. God. Would you ever do Pauly? Yeah. I'm trying to do it right now. Okay.

I'm trying to get my boyfriend to do it just to give my pussy a break. Okay. I know. Your boyfriend has a big dick. We talked about it. If there's...

I don't know if there's currently a word for that where you just want one person to poly. So what's the point? And then I'll just like. He's going to fuck other people and you're going to just relax on those nights. Is that the idea? Yeah. Yes. Yes. Watch Selling Sunset or whatever. Okay. And just like let my pussy breathe. I'm so exhausted. And my skull. By knowing progressive people. You would never. You're a monogamous. Your skull is tired?

Yeah, I don't have that big of a head. You know. What's he doing to your head? Sculpting it. He's sculpting your head? No, he's gentle. He's wonderful. But, you know, I like to do a good job. I love him. He cooks and stuff. So, yeah, you're tossing some neck his way after dinner. Yeah.

I have started to feel like, and I'm sorry that I started to do a bit about it. I'm not doing a bit at you, but I have started to feel like blowing men is a little old timey. Yeah. Antiquated. How do you mean? Just seems like very antique and animalistic. Yeah. Like we should have a solution for that by now. Yeah. That's not my skull.

Yeah. Okay. I'm waiting to hear more. Yeah, I like this. And I do it. You know, I'm a good girlfriend. I do it for the exchange or whatever. Yeah. Because he deserves it. He's a wonderful man. Yeah. But I don't think, you know, I think men should blow each other. That's great. That's awesome. Agreed. Please. Please. You deserve each other. Big agree. Think you'll marry him? Yeah. Yeah.

I think... Thank you, Mariam. Thank you, Mariam. He's a suitor. Yeah. I think we will get married. Nice. Yeah, but... Don't invite me. I'm not...

Please come. Do it in a private ceremony or something. I've had it with these weddings. Please. I've had it. I have to fly. I have to come to North Dakota because you fell in love. God damn it. I know. Give up a weekend of work. I have just had it. They're always exactly when standup happens. I'm like, no, but they're really beautiful. I have to have dinner with your aunt.

Because you fell in love. Awesome. And when was the last time you flew in for one of my shows, by the way? Never. I've had very big career moments you've never flown in for. But now I'm supposed to buy a gift because you fell in love. I do think we should get gifts for another occasion. I just think it's not likely that I'm necessarily going to have a wedding or have kids. Maybe I will. I would be open to both. But I just think it's really silly that people get heteronormative people, but now gay people have started doing it, people...

People who, they have a wedding and they expect you to drop everything for it. And I go, when have you dropped everything for me? I know. Like really, when have you spent round trip flight money, bought a suit, like come and spend a whole evening having dinner with me and my people and giving your whole weekend, sometimes your whole week, to an event for me? I have events all the time. When have you done that? I'm going to do that. You're going to come to one of my shows? Yeah, just for like a Chiefs game or whatever. You've never come to my show. And I am going to wear a suit. I'm not coming to your wedding. I've seen it.

I've been to your shows, but I'm saying I'm going to get a plane ticket. I'm going to come to Kansas City. What's your favorite joke of mine?

What's up, guys? It's me, Caleb. November 23rd in Kansas City, Waxahachie and I are co-hosting a bunch of our friends, comedians and musicians at The Midland. We are doing a benefit show called Yeehaw to benefit the Tenants Union. Tara's episode is out, and she talked a bunch about the Tenant Union. But please, please, please, if you live in Kansas City or nearby, Omaha, come on down. Chicago, come on down. November 23rd at The Midland, we're doing a show to benefit the Tenant Union that we're so excited about it.

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You do? I do know. Well, I love all your jokes. I think you're, I do think you're one of the funniest. Here we go. No, I think you're one of the funniest names we have working right now, period. Thank you. I think you're an absolute genius. You know this. My favorite joke of yours. I feel the same about you. Well, I had to force it out of you, but my favorite joke of yours is really hard because I love so many of them, but one that I come back to often is you. I'm so uncomfortable. The homeless guy. Oh, yeah. Because I have a house. Yeah, yeah. Do you want to tell the joke? I'm not, no, because I'm not proud of it. Oh.

I love that joke. Why are you not proud of it? Because of the unhoused of it all? Yeah. Well, he shouldn't be mean. But I haven't changed the terminology. They don't get to be mean. I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. God bless them. I hate their circumstances. They don't get to be mean. They don't get to treat me bad because they're, I'm sorry. No. You could be mad. They shouldn't be fat shaming. No, you don't get to call me. I've had, I've had unhoused people call me

And I'm supposed to react with love? No. I'm going to call you a slur. Which one? I'm calling him the H slur. I'm calling him the H slur. Houseless. Houseless. I don't. Yeah, that joke has been widely circulated and I don't feel like the most proud of it I'll ever feel on my deathbed if I think about it.

I'd be very proud of that joke. In the next few years. Did you want to say a joke of mine that you love or did you want it to just be one-sided? Let's just, I think because we're running out of time. No, we do have voicemails though. Do you want to listen to a voicemail from one of our fans? Yeah. Can I also just say one more thing about weddings? Because I just went to one. I'm not going to say whose it was because I feel like

Her feelings might be hurt, but I swear to God, during the most touching family speeches, entire table of comedians nonstop talking. Well, they're annoying. I was like this. Whose wedding was it? I'm not going to say. Tell me. There were a couple people at the table that were scared enough of me just by a look to shut up.

A few people didn't give a shit. Father crying. My baby girl. And a thick southern accent. You can guess. All the comedians talking. Whose wedding was it? Drunk. Screaming. I'm not going to tell you. Tell me off camera? Yeah, of course. Say it now. We'll believe it. Tell you? We would, but I'll hear it off camera. What's the voicemail?

Hi, Caleb. Love the show. My question is, what do you think about time travel? Does the butterfly effect work? Why do movies have their own variations? Can't they come to a consensus of having the same idea? Yeah.

Is it possible to achieve in real life? Yeah, we'd love to know. My name is Mikayla. My big three is I'm a Libra Sun, Virgo Moon, and Taurus Rising. Our big three. Now, mind you, we don't ask. Right, so we didn't ask. Hi, Mikayla. Love you. Shout out. But we didn't ask Mikayla to list their big three. You didn't prompt with what's your big three. What do you think of time travel? Yes? No? No.

I think anything's really possible. I don't. I can't. Okay, I don't really believe in anything anymore because I got roped into so many stories early on, as you know. The Ark, et cetera. Yeah, that's...

Believed it all. Yeah. You fell for hook, line, and sinker. They got you. Yeah. You know. What'd you say? Jacob and Esau. Oh, yeah. I thought you said. Sexy story. I thought you said Jake and Benny saw. And I was like, who the fuck are Jake and Benny? Jake and Benny saw. Yeah. Yeah. Of course. No, time travel not real. It's possible, but it's just not my business. Yeah. You know, if anyone in this room is from another time, congrats. You chose a weird thing to come to. Yeah.

And just, you know, don't tell me. Where would you like to travel if time travel was real? Ooh, can I change? I mean, probably 40 years in the future. Really? Yeah. I just want to be old, old, official old, invisible. Oh. A sexless being. I'm not saying that old people are that.

But that's how old women get treated, and I personally cannot wait to just be like a ghost amongst us. That's a pretty sad answer. Titties out.

A lot of kimonos and robes. I don't think old people are allowed to have their titties out. You can do whatever you want. I did not know that. You can just be like, I'm crazy. Yeah. I've been alive too long. Doesn't that seem nice? Yeah. The pressures of being young and I'm not that young anymore, but being on a journey somewhere.

Instead of just comfortably at the end of it. Yeah. It's too much. It's too stressful. Yeah. You know, you're like, what? We're working towards something? That's so exhausting. Yeah. To what? A better future? I want to be in that future already and know what it is. Yeah. And then just fucking chill out. I will be houseless. Yeah. But my titties will be out. I will be houseless. But my titties will be free. Yeah.

I will be free from my cage, and so will they. I'll definitely call you the Opsler when you walk by, Mike. Amy. I don't say it, but I think I'm allowed, but I don't. You can say it. No, no, no. I don't want to say it. Come on. You want to say it. What is the rule? I think if you've never been called it. Say it. No. One time. It's not fun for me. We'll bleep it. I try it at home alone all the time. No one's going to get mad. No one's going to get mad. No, no. I don't say it. My listeners are very cool. Say it once. No.

I say, oh, what about this? I say, you say good. No. Oh. Do you think you would call me a slur? Were you houseless? And I mean, maybe. Let's get in that time machine and go find out. I don't think I would go 40 years in the future. Where would you go? Colonial Williamsburg. Gorgeous. I'd like to see what it was all about.

I'd like to see what it was all about. Yeah. Or I would stop Hitler. That'd be fun. I'd love to be the guy who stopped Hitler. I wouldn't stop him before he did any bad things. Yeah. I would stop him when he was maybe like two bad things in. Stop him before he kills that dog. Before the camps and stuff. But like I would, right when he comes to power and everyone's like, oh fuck, what are we going to do? This guy's probably going to be bad. Yeah. I would show up right then and be like. Just kill him. Yeah. Are you going to tell him why and where you're from?

I would probably say something. He's definitely going to call you a slur. He says right as I raise my gun. Yeah, I would kill him for sure. I think you'd be surprisingly charmed by him at first. Hitler? And have to remind yourself you've had to kill him. You think I would be swayed by Adolf Hitler? Maybe.

Like if he showed you his art and stuff. Yeah, I don't think so. He's fashionable, you know? No, he's not. He wore one uniform pretty much the whole time. He had a horrible little haircut. Now, what's the thing with his penis again? You'll have to tell me. Does it have like an extra hole on the side or something? Pardon? I think so. Isn't this correct? Yeah, he's got one of those penises where the little urethra is like took a detour and it goes out the side.

Hitler himself is believed to have had two forms of genital abnormality, an undescended testicle and a rare condition called penile hypospadias, in which the urethra opens on the underside of the penis. Okay, by the way, WashingtonPost.com. All right, let's talk about Hitler's penis. Hitler's penis.

Wait, wait, go back. Go back real quick. And it was micro as well. There's another one from Live Science called The Science Behind Hitler's Possible Micropenis. And then, of course, Cora, is it true that Hitler had a micropenis? We love Cora. How big was Hitler's single testicle? Someone needs to know. September 23rd, 2020, a few months into the quarantine. Yeah.

It did not take long. It did not take long of COVID lockdown for people to say, you know what? What was going on with Hitler's dick? The immortal myth of Hitler's deformed genitals. Oh my God. I didn't even know about the testicle thing. Having a small penis does not make you evil. I love to see Quaraz from mid 2020. Having a small penis, you don't necessarily are evil with that.

No, no, no. I don't think so either. Some of the best head I ever got was the smallest penis I ever saw. Guys with average to small penises. Chapstick. Working around in there. Pardon? Like a chapstick. His dick was like a chapstick? It was about those proportions of a tube of chapstick. Nice. Yeah, but wonderful man. He's a teacher. And if he's supposed to be like Kobayashi, then...

I guess, you know, rock on. Yeah. You can have a Vienna sausage down there. I came in like 13 seconds. You came in 13 seconds? In a bunk bed. The Chiefs beat the Bills in 13 seconds once. That's when I think of 13 seconds, I think of the Chiefs-Bills game. And now I'll think of you coming from head. I hope you're thinking about me coming during all Chiefs games. Oh, I am in many ways. My sports fandom is not like the normal male sports fandom. It's very female orgasm centric. Thank you. Yeah, I'm happy to do it.

It means nothing to me. Have you ever given a woman an orgasm? Oh, God. It would be hard to tell if they were faking or not because I didn't like what I was doing. Yeah. I didn't like sex with women. I was like, ugh. Yeah. I've given somebody with a vagina an orgasm for sure. Okay. Trans guy. I love that. Yeah. He loved what I was doing. But, you know, sex with vaginas in general I find very uncouth. Okay.

Old timey, if you will. Well, sex with vaginas for me does feel very of an older age. From the past. Yeah. It feels like blacksmithing. It's silly. It's silly that we do it at all. You ever been to Silverdor City? Tim Branson?

Oh, yeah. How they're all dressed like that and they're like blowing glass and shit. That's what it felt like to me when I was a pussy. I was like, this is from an era, a bygone era. That's a blowjob. Blow glass, blow job. Blow glass, blow job. Yeah, I don't like pussy. Like just a really out of date skill. You like pussy? Yeah, I do. Nice. Yeah, yeah. That's nice. That's great. That's nice. I don't know that I'm particularly great at it. How not? But I just... Pretty simple stuff.

You think so? Do you just root around in there? I mean, I'm just like, yeah. Okay, you weren't good at it. Yeah, it's fine. Fuck. They weren't coming. Fuck. You don't know. At church camp. At church camp. No, never at church camp. I didn't do anything sexual at church camp either because that's so sinful. Yeah, it's bad. I would hold hands at the campfire, max. You think heaven or hell, one of those, real or fake? Yeah.

I think fake, but sometimes I wish for a hell for certain people. Really? I also wish for heaven for certain people. That's really beautiful. Like, I have to believe there's a possibility of heaven because sometimes, like, I don't know, it just, like, encounters someone with, like, the saddest fucking story in the world that still believes in God and, like, is a wonderful person and is just, like,

I don't know. You know, there's like sad stories of people who are tragically murdered and like in their last moments, they like pray. I'm like, you deserve a heaven. Yeah. Yeah. I hope it exists for you. You guys, there are some things in life that are just going to be a crapshoot, like trying a new type of milk in your coffee or a cheap Instagram ad impulse buy or trying a new takeout spot for crying out loud. But finding the right doctor should not be a total crapshoot. And with ZocDoc,

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It's called Silver Dollar City. Podcasting with your friend Amy. Feels a lot like heaven to me. Celestial. Celestial. You feel that moon just...

Swelling? Well, according to you, I can feel that you're dropping eggs. You've claimed that you have a presence about you during this time. I'm in my luteal phase. What is that? It's in between ovulation and menstruation. What happens there? Just like horny but tired.

Oh, I'm in that. He's in his luteal phase. Oh, I've been in that for like 15 or 16 years. And it's your body's kind of last ditch effort to get this thing fertilized. Yeah. So you're still appealing, you know, but like in a more, like a lower tier of person is now noticing. Yeah. Straight up animals. Yeah. You know, dogs are sniffing. Yeah.

Well, Amy, I'm turning 30 soon. I can't believe that. Any advice? I feel like you were a teen when we met. I wasn't. Well, you were in your mid-20s, and that's very young. When we met, I would have been, I can tell you exactly how old I was. 26? I would have been 25. Okay, I think just the lore of you is more interesting when you're 19 to me.

So impressive what you're doing. What you effectively just said out loud to me is I like the idea of you better than the reality. Yeah.

That's what you said to me just now on my show that I invited you on. No, I just think it's so amazing what you've accomplished already that it's like turning into true fairy tale mode. That's really funny. Where I'm like, what is this kid like, 13? I just keep getting younger in my head. Like a full grown adult who should have it together probably. You do. I think I do. Are you excited to turn 30? I'm very excited. I'm just looking forward to it. You know, well...

So one thing that's been on my mind about 30s is maybe I'll start doing a, I think I said this before on here. Pickleball. Maybe start doing, fuck no. I'm not a fucking freak. Pickleball people prison for them. Sorry, there's a couple of them in here and y'all need reform.

I just don't. You just need other ways to make friends. Play tennis or fucking stay home. What is going on? What's with the in between? No one wants to cosplay P.E. Yeah. I don't like it. We hated it. But my 30s, I'm thinking maybe tailored slacks with cowboy boots. Oh, I love that. Yeah. Big buckles? Oh, yeah. Okay. Oh, yeah. Some camp shirts. That's going to be hot. Yes. And then maybe like three buttons down on the shirt. Yeah. What's your chest hair situation? Are you more of a Jacob or an Esau?

It's for the Bible heads. There's not much. Do you see? Oh, that's good, though. There's a little bit. I think it could grow in more. No, that's plenty for like a big chain. Yes. And the nipple hair. Okay, I love this. Well, I had surgery on one of these nipples. Okay. I don't remember which one. Well, it's flawless. But what do you think? I think it's perfect. Of my body. It's gorgeous. I'm soaked. Nice. I think I just got fertilized. Nice. Oh. Yeah, distantly. This was so much fun, huh? Yeah.

Was it? This was a good time. I've had a blast. I've had so much fun. I just think the world of you. I just miss you. I miss you. I wish you would talk to me every once in a while. We can talk off podcast. We're not good at it. Yes, we are. We're not good at it. We're in different places all the time. You're always doing something weird. I'm a mild agoraphobe. Yeah. But I'm getting better at not flaking. Here's what you like to do. Make plans and don't go. You love that. That's one of your biggest things. My passion. My passion.

And then you love to go, you love to leave town for three days to do stand up in a city I am not in. You love doing that.

And then you love to take like a four or five hour walk by yourself. I do that a lot. So these are the... I fit into none of that. You can get in on the walk. You think? I also love beach days. You're not a beach person. Don't like the beach. Which with this body, I don't know what is the issue. Don't like the beach. It's not the body. Show it off. It's the experience. The sand? The heat? The experience of the beach is bad. It's so nice. It's hot. Everyone else is allowed to be there. I bring...

I hate that everyone else is allowed to be there. I know some good chill spots and I bring good snacks. I want a private beach. Okay. Don't bring anyone else over here. You're going to have one one day. No, I don't think so, but I just want- Why don't we go to Mexico? Ben, you want to go together? Yeah, that's what I mean. I'm going to Mexico next week. Where? Cancun. Okay, with who? A couple of my friends. Okay. I just hadn't heard about this until just now.

Where are you staying? There's a new Nobu resort. What flight are you on? Yeah. What flight are you on? Tell me your flight. You're staying at the Nobu resort? Yeah. Okay. I'm not paying for it. Don't worry about it. Don't think I'm paying for it. Who's paying for it? Some company. I don't ask questions. Is this sponsored content? So I'm not doing any sponsored content. I'm just showing up to the trip. Okay. With two of my favorite people in the whole world. All right. Well, that's nice. And I would love to see you there. I'll see you guys there.

I am flying from LA. Okay. Delta? Always. Always. You're a Delta girl. Yeah, I am. Sometimes Southwest. Sorry, that's in the chill of my spine. Sometimes you just can't avoid Southwest. No, it's unavoidable sometimes. I always have a credit with them. I have to go to Colorado Springs, Caleb. I'm sorry. Yeah, no, it's- You don't. I had to go like Raleigh to Milwaukee once and the only direct airline was Southwest. And I was like, we're Southwest today. Yeah, it's fine. Direct I'll always do over a stop. I'll leave Delta to not have a stop.

You know, it's those experiences that... I hate having a stop. Yeah, I'll leave Delta and not have a stop. It makes you so much more grateful for a Delta first class experience. Yeah. If your last flight was on Southwest. Yeah. Let's talk more about travel. Let's. Go ahead. That's my comedy wheelhouse. Go ahead. What do you want to talk about? All my favorite jokes of yours are airplane related. Really? Yeah.

You could not think of a single joke of mine that you liked. That was crazy. I'm really bad at remembering stuff on the spot. No, it's just I wanted to point out that I thought that was a little crazy. I love your comedy. Nice. I watch it on the internet. Nice. I've seen it in person several times. Really? Yeah, in Chicago, LA, and maybe New York. Have you seen it in New York? I don't know.

I feel like I have. Or I've tried. What's your death Romeo? Probably, like, my mom's enchiladas. Oh, okay. Nice. Is that it? Usually people kind of go all out, but I...

green sauce enchiladas with chicken. Nice. It would definitely be something someone in my family made because, you know, it's a wild card otherwise. Yeah. What if your death row meal is just ordered from the bad spot? You know, I don't want to say pepperoni pizza and then they bring in fucking Little Caesars. Although, those pizza...

Those pizza pockets. Have you had them? No. Pepperoni Crazy Puffs. Are they good? I want to get sponsored. Yeah, it's just a little. Can someone order some of those here right now? That'd be awesome. They're so good. We'll try to get some in here. Pepperoni Crazy Puffs. It's just like a little tiny hand pie. I want to know about it. But their big pizza is disgusting. Yeah. Right? So that's, I just feel like if my mom's cooking my death row meal. Sure.

Shortly before she watches me get executed. Yeah, you're going to make her come. Think of the love that's going in those enchiladas. I bet she's putting her fucking foot in those. Your daughter's dying enchiladas? Yeah. Sorry, you're fucking cranking it up in the kitchen. Maybe like she does this really good blueberry cake with cream cheese frosting. Damn, you have like a real mom. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. You have a real mom? Oh, I do. I do, too. But, yeah, you have, like, a mommy mom. Like, my mom doesn't have a special cake kind of mom. Okay. My mom's awesome, but. It's late in life. Oh, she became a cake person recently? Well, she's always been a great cook, but she just, like, wasn't around when I was a kid. Do you like. That's so sad. She was partying. She was partying? I know. It's really sad. That's sad. Yeah. My dad died, and then she used his pension to buy a red Mazda Miata.

And two seats, four kids. All fat, by the way. No space in a Miata to go grocery shopping. She was just really living it up. So now she has to bake. I still know the number to a bar.

It's called Dick's in San Leandro, California. Where she would be? Yeah. Oh, I had to call my mom. 357-5639. Hello? Hello? Is my mom there? Is our mom there? Can you tell her to bring fries home? Can she hop in the Miata? Can she get behind the wheel of the Miata and come home, please?

I had to call my mom at bars. Yeah. Yeah. That's some pretty classic Midwestern shit. Oh, for sure. But as a bartender, how cute is that? Hello? Hi, is my mom there? Six-year-old on the phone. I'd probably be pretty sad about it. As a bartender, if there were six-year-olds calling and being like, please send my mom home. I think we just wanted her to bring snacks. We were fine with her not being home.

You just wanted the prize. That's the thing about drunk parents. Better when they're there or gone. Depends. Who's to say?

Depends on if they've had a drink or not. It's a roller coaster. For me, it was chicken wings. I was like, if my mom comes home from this bar without chicken wings, there's going to be hell to pay. We got a lot of ribs. God damn, that rocks. With those silver tops. It was all sweaty inside. Yeah, fuck yeah. That's awesome. Those circular- Bar ribs? I know. Sweet. So good. Let's go. And just like, creeps would use the claw machine and get us little stuffed animals and stuff to try to get into my mom's-

Like, here's a pink elephant. Sorry, just so I'm clear.

Your claim is that creeps at the bar who wanted to, and I'll just use your words, get in your mom's... Yeah. Would win you toys at the claw game to send them home with her. And then how often were they... Was your mom sleeping with these folks? Oh, yeah. Queen. Queen. Of course. She said... If they want enough stuffed animals for her fat little kids. Of course. But of course. Of course.

Oh, my God. I love that. Do you have any of the stuffed animals still? No, no, no. It's like the story of my dad dying. It's really sad. But my mom was like, no one could find her. She was out with a suitor. They were married. She was cheating on him. Yeah. Was he cheating on her too? That's how I was born, was a random guy. Yeah. Well, there was the whole joke that you were the milkman's kid. Okay, you've...

Heard a lot of my material. And then you actually were someone else's kid, but you worked in marketing, not Milkman. Yeah, he worked in marketing. Nice. Until he died. He's dead now.

Yeah, he died when I was 19. I never met him. Damn. That's horrible. But isn't it crazy that I used to work in marketing? That is crazy. Wow, it's in your blood. When you're good, you're good. I can't use it for my own shows or career, but I'm great. You're a second generation marketer. For a tech company, yeah. What were you doing in tech?

Marketing. You were doing marketing? Yes. At tech? Yeah. You were marketing at tech.org? At startups. Startups. In San Francisco. Damn. The whole thing with the foosball tables and the cold brew on tap. Were you making a lot of money? Sexually harassing CEOs, like classic stuff. Was he cute? Did he ever harass? Oh, no. They're all disgusting. Did he harass you? Did you ever hurt him? Oh, yeah. Okay. Getting harassed was just part of the deal. Yeah.

Peak Tech San Francisco, you're getting grabbed. Yeah. You got to ask for more stock options. I'm serious. Peak Tech in San Francisco, you're getting grabbed. Yeah, but you can drink beer at the office. Yeah. Well, it's a trade-off. That's beautiful. I hate that you went through that, honestly. Oh, thanks. Did you get some stock options out of it? I did, yeah. Yes.

I made a little bit of money. Okay, good to know. I gave my mom a lot of it. Why? She already had the Miata. Why? That's a great question. She already had the Miata. You know, you're generous with your mom. I am. You gotta always break something off for mom. You gotta break off a little piece for mama. Ugh, for what? Send a little home to mama. They didn't do that much.

I think it's best that you don't have kids. I love kids, though. I'm so good with kids. Yeah. But I just and they love me as well. But I don't. Yeah, I'm not doing it. You know why? Because I spent too much time with kids. That's where people fuck up. Yeah, you can't spend time around them. They forget to try kids out before having them. Yeah. And then, you know, too much. I know way too much. Amy, I have a question for you. Yeah. What do you want?

Out of all of this. I just want peace and happiness. Globally or for you? Yeah, well, me mostly. Of course globally, yeah. I just want to chill out, do fun stuff, go to amusement parks.

Eat good food. You're going to the amusement parks? Come. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to get a Universal Season Pass tomorrow. Really? Mm-hmm. Oh, beautiful. Yeah. Solomon says it pays for itself in two visits. Solomon Giorgio? Yeah. Our dear friend. But he's rich, so I don't know. I'm going to kick off 2025 with no money or plans, but-

several season passes and then who's going to be on top in 2025 that's called a millennial savings account yeah you don't stash the money away yeah you put it in investments you park them in fun investments yeah you park load up that dave and buster's card yeah you know i don't know if that's great advice property you're saying yeah i'm saying property and i can't a savings account maybe high yield

I can always sell the season pass if things get tough next year. Can you? Yeah. And this, since I'm getting an Halloween season, it'll include Christmas stuff, 4th of July.

Have you ever seen the decorations at Universal Studios Hollywood? I can't say I have. During the holiday season? I can't say that I have. It's gorgeous. Worth it? Yes. What's the season pass run? Like 180. That's not bad at all. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, it might pay for itself on one trip. It's like 150 to get into the park. Do you get guest passes with it? Yeah. Damn. Discounted guest. Nice.

We'll go. I'm not going to come, but I want you to have a lot of fun over there. You haven't seen Super Mario World? It's just not the kind of stuff I do. Oh. I just got asked to go to the Ren Faire. Maybe this is why we never hang out. I've never been so insulted. I've never got asked to go to the Ren Faire. Look at these gorgeous trees. That is beautiful. That is beautiful. Yeah, and you're going to be calling me up. I don't think I will. December 15th. I don't think I will. I don't want to go there.

Oh, look at the Grinch. Because there's a lot of disgruntled families, no? Yeah. Well, you got to go at night. And they serve beer there. Yeah. There's Minions. That's kind of fun. I love a Minion. You do. Yeah. You really do. I never saw any of those movies until like last year. I've never watched one. And I was laughing. You liked it? Oh, yeah. Well, they're just funny little guys. They're really funny little guys.

And they're just, yeah, dancing and singing. You know, I love fat kids. There's nothing cuter. That's what a minion is to me. Fat kid. Your overalls are really tight and you talk weird. Yeah. That's so cute. You're a fat kid. Yeah. I'm...

I'm happy that my sisters and I didn't really have YouTube or really bummed because what would be cuter than having filmed the things we were doing? Yeah. Coordinated dances to a Mariah Carey song. Do you know what I mean? I want to see that footage. When I see a little fat kid out of an amusement park where I am often and or the beach, I'm like, buddy.

If you're getting bullied, it's because everybody knows you're the most charming motherfucker out here. And adults are giving you what you want because you're so cute. Yeah. And that's why other kids are mean. Yeah. If you're currently being bullied and you're fat and in elementary school, it's because you're the cutest kid there. Is there anything else you want to say to kids getting bullied? They might be watching. Fight back. And if you can't physically fight back, just steal from them. Yeah. Steal from the bullies.

Your advice to these fat little bullied kids is to fight back and steal? What else? That's beautiful. And accept the candy and gifts from adults because they want to give them to you because you're so fucking cute. Yeah. Huh. Okay. I actually wasn't really a fat kid. Really? But I wanted to be. Stolen valor? Yeah, I did it later. I was fat as fuck.

My sisters did it and then I was kind of chubby but not really like it. Your sisters did it as in they were fat? I think I might have some fat little kid pictures of me on my phone somewhere. They did it so much. They were so cute. I was a fat little kid. I worship them. Look at this guy. I mean, what's cuter than that? I'm giving that kid cash, candy, and gifts.

People liked him. People did like him. I mean, I know. Would you hang out with him? Yeah, of course. I just want to cry seeing it. Look at him. And you said I'm not pure. You don't think he's pure of heart? No, I do think he was. Was? Something changed along the way.

Amy, I have a segment for you. Don't read these. Don't look at these. Don't look at these. Don't cheat. Okay. I'm going to read you 15 statements. You're going to tell me as quickly as you can if you think they're true or false. Okay. Speed is of the essence. Okay. If you get 10 or more correct, we're going to give you 50 US dollars. Who decides what's correct? The answer. Don't piss me off. Are these facts or feelings? They're facts. Oh, okay. They're not feelings.

Okay. Chauncey Billups is the current head coach of the Portland Trailblazers. Correct. True. The movie The Iron Giant came out in 1999. True. True. There are no reptiles in Sweden. False. False. Oakland is the third most populous city in Alameda County. False. False. It's the most populous. Number one. Neil Armstrong drank Pepsi on the surface of the moon. Yes. False. Lance Armstrong's nickname is Big Tex. False. True. Only four U.S. presidents have visited Antarctica. False.

True. False. None of them have. Squirrels mate for life. False. False. A female picks a new mate each year. Burger King is older than Wendy's. True. True. Earth is gradually rotating slower each year. True. True. Box mucking is the national sport of New Zealand. True. False. Rugby. Last comic standing ran for nine seasons. True. True. There are over 1,000 bridges that cross the Amazon River. False.

False. False. No bridges cross it. Aretha Franklin was the first woman inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. False. True. Anteaters are extinct. False. False. How'd she do? Wow, you did it! Wow, I'm so smart. You did it. You really are so smart. Thank you. You really, really are. Thanks. That's beautiful. Well, you know, we ask a lot of people. We ask everyone on this show. It's the title of the show, So True with Caleb Herron. Okay. What is so true to you, Amy Miller?

That you are actually pure of heart. You didn't prep this answer, did you? No, no one told me. You're winging it. No one told me to prep anything, which I loved about it. Time out. Time out. That's not a good one? That's a really beautiful one. That's a really beautiful one. I do want to know what you think of me. Are we timing out? Are we still going? No, we're never timed out. Are we recording? We're always recording.

I just am so proud of you. No. I am. You wouldn't possibly be earnest right now. I am. I'm proud of you. I'm usually earnest.

Not in my experience. Oh, what am I? Sarcastic? That's the worst person. No, I think... Oh, okay. This is so true to me. Sarcasm? Not cute. Whoa! Nobody wants to be around it. Oh, I like that. Say more. I don't know if I'm maybe on the spectrum undiagnosed. But I hate it. Because I just assume people are telling the truth at all times. And I am...

mostly earnest and sincere but people don't always know yeah I love that you're like I might be on the spectrum and then you're like what's so true to me is bright lights have gotta go no more being loud in public and also I can't read facial expressions stop counting on me to do it better not chew around me um

What's so true to me is that I really love model trains. Okay, sarcasm is a wall. It's a boundary. It's communicating that you don't want to get close to anybody and you want to trick people. Trick. I never expect, like, it's so exhausting when someone just, like,

Oh, I'm so sure or whatever. Like, I don't. What was that? That was sarcastic to you? As if, you know, that kind of person. Yeah, you're kind of doing me. No, no. You're sincere. You're earnest. I am earnest. You're the earnestness. Earnestest. Earnestest. Earnestest. Yeah. Yeah. No sarcasm for you, huh? It's a real panty dryer. Yeah. And we like when the panties are wet.

I just believe what people are telling me. And so, I don't know. I'm just gullible. And I feel like when people are doing sarcastic stuff or trickery, like trickery with low stakes. Yeah. I hate it.

hate nothing more. Like I just had just met a comic and like I was in out of town and I don't know I just like showed up to the club and this kid was just like shows cancelled and I was like oh no and he's like just kidding and I'm like fine. Why?

Why? Oh, if that had happened, I wouldn't have been able to pay my rent this month. But it's not funny or interesting or helping us get to know each other. I just never want to talk to you again. Yeah. Have the rest of the night. Just kidding. Did you guys make friends? Yeah, it was fine. You know what I mean, though? Show's canceled. I absolutely know what you mean. If you want to stay alone, be sarcastic. No small stakes trickery around you. Is that a good so true? If you want to stay alone, be sarcastic. I like that. Okay. Are you being sarcastic?

I love that. That's so good. Nice one. Really seems like you're prepared for this question. Who are you voting for? Kamala Harris. Really? Yeah. And Tim Walz. Kamala Harris and J.D. Vance.

She's from Oakland. You know, I have to. Yeah, no choice. And that's the only reason. That's the only thing. I love that. That's beautiful. Yeah. Tim's from Nebraska. It's like, you know, it's like me and my dude kind of, except they're not fucking as far as we know. Who's not fucking? Harrison Walls.

Are they? I don't think they are. He's her type. Definitely. You think so? I think if anything is happening. I would love that. So if anything's happening, Tim and Doug are fucking. Oh, hot. And Kamala's watching. If anything's happening, but I doubt anything's happening. Hot. Wendy might be. What's her name? Wendy Gwynn. What's his wife's name? Gwynn. Gwynn. Gwendolyn. Gwendy. Gwendolyn. Gwendy. Gwen. Gwen Walls. She wouldn't watch. She would condemn.

She would condemn it. This is a fun, see, this is a fun, like, hypothetical jokey situation we're talking about, maybe if Harris and Walsh were fucking. That's fun. If you were like, I read an article today that Harris and Walsh are fucking, I would never talk to you again. I want you to look into that spectrum stuff. I want you to look into that spectrum stuff because you just said, okay, you and I are joking about a topic and that's quite enjoyable. Yeah.

That was one of the most spectrum things I've ever heard. Oh, we are friends sharing laughs. Yeah, it's fun. That was pretty spectrum-y. I like that. Thanks. This would explain the amusement park stuff. Yeah, it would also explain that. My little cousin's on the spectrum, and he's a lot of fun. He takes things pretty literally. Oh, yeah. Same with my niece. She's hilarious, though. He's spoken. He's taken really to, like,

So I have an on-the-spectrum little cousin and I have a gay little cousin. And gay little cousin's an icon. We love him. But spectrum on the cousin. On-the-spectrum cousin, he's gotten really into percentages. And so he'll tell people, he'll be like, sorry, I'm 50% paying attention to you and 50% thinking about something else I want to do. And he'll say that out loud to you. It's fucking awesome. It's fucking awesome. I love that. The honesty. Yeah, it's gotten us into some fun situations.

My niece was asking me, like, why I broke up with my last boyfriend, whom she knew, obviously. And I was like, oh, you know, sometimes you just have to, like, move on if things are more negative than positive or more, like, conflict than peace or whatever. And she was like, yeah, you don't want to end up like my moms, hating each other every day. And I was like, okay. Yeah.

No worries. Moms? Yeah, yeah, two moms. Her dad's in Kansas City, her sperm dad and his partner, his husband. Two moms. Two moms, two dads. Interesting. And she really will just- Sorry, is that sick to anyone else? No.

Yeah, her dad's family. Who excommunicated him. Sick. That's awesome. For giving a baby to lesbians. Nice. That's fucking awesome. Yeah. But he's allowed to be a gay guy? No, they don't like that either. I was like, he's allowed to be a gay guy, but he gave up lesbians that baby? No. That's crazy. No, no. And now she's autistic. So they're like, see?

See what happens when you don't have a child under God? They think autistic baby is because they weren't. Okay, got it. It's not outside of the realm of possibility. Yeah, I'm just glad they didn't like him being gay either. I want it to be consistent homophobia. Oh, they hate it. Yeah. They hate when anyone does it. You the most. Yeah, they wouldn't like me.

I'm doing it all the time. I'm being gay like most of the time. It's so like, I don't know. It's just so silly. It's so funny. To hate gay people? I mean, I grew up obviously around those Christians. Yeah. I never bought into that part. Not liking gay people? Yeah. What?

Well, that's because you're a little gay. I know. Well, and I did choir. Like, who am I going to be friends with? Yeah. We need to like gay people. It's the only people we have to talk to. No, I think it's really, I really do think homophobia is so funny because it's just like. It's silly. Gay people are the most like delightful, creative, wonderful people and you're mad at them. Okay, not all of them. No, all of them. Amy, all of them.

No, but as a community. Yeah. Overall, most gay people are like, just, it's like, oh, that's fun. Fun. Yeah. I know. It's really silly. Yeah. Because for what? Big hand movements. Where stuff's going in holes. Their little voices. It's silly to put anything in any hole. Like, we're all just animals. Yeah.

Old timey. Old timey even. Do you think the dick sucking robots are going to come soon? I don't want them. You're not going to use one? No, because if you program something to suck your dick, that removes the whole purpose. It's like, I can't do sex workers. All my love to them. I hope that they're well. But it's like, if you're paid to be here, the fun of getting my dick sucked is that you want to be sucking my dick. Whoa. Or that I want to be sucking your dick or that we want to be sucking each other's dicks. It's like, if you're paid to be here or if you're programmed to be here, well, that's not fun.

It's like there's a consent piece of it that I have questions about, but, you know, can come around on like sex workers. It's like there is consent there, but it does still feel to me like I don't know. I don't like there's there's the the enthusiastic consent to like only being here because we both want to make each other come. That's the fun part.

To me. Yeah, yeah, to you. To me. You disagree. You want the robots. I don't know that I would engage with a robot. I just need help. I need help. Yeah.

I need help with the dick. I love that the through line of this episode is you being like, someone else has gotta suck my boyfriend's dick. I can't keep doing it. DM me. Well, also, I think people think, oh, dick-sucking robots might fix incels, but it won't because incels' problem is not that their dick isn't being sucked. Their problem is that they're... They hate women. They're disrespected because they're losers. Yeah. Like, they don't actually just need their dick physically sucked. They need something spiritually different to happen with them. They're such losers. Yeah, they're sarcastic. Yeah, they're sarcastic. Yeah.

It's yeah. It's something else going on there. There's walls up. I hope we get, there's 10 walls up. I hope that we get dick sucking robots just so that you can have some peace in the home. Yeah. Yeah. It is peaceful in my home, but you know, it just, I just need a little hand. You just, your skull needs a break. Which I'd be fine with a sex worker as well. But,

know. Am I heartless? I'm fine. Not with my boyfriend, but like, I guess when I was hoeing around, I was okay with some just like get the job done sex that wasn't like connecting. Is that bad? I don't understand what you mean. Maybe because I don't respect straight men. Well, yeah, none of us should. But if it's just like sometimes they're just a shell to me. Oh. Yeah, it means to an end. Yeah. I don't think the language is great. Yeah.

But I think the politics are probably okay, yeah. And they make sense. Yeah, a little bit of taking back the power type thing. Yeah. Yeah, that's beautiful. I guess, yeah. But I've had casual sex with women, too. I don't know. It's all fine. How did it feel to have casual sex with women? Did that feel disrespectful? Oh, great. No, no. I wasn't disrespecting them. Just kind of a sisterhood moment? Graveling pants. Girls growing out, yeah. Yeah. Aw. Aw.

That's beautiful. I often look at my lesbian friends and I'll just be in the middle of a dinner and I'll be like, God, I would do anything for us to want to fuck each other. It would be so easy. You're the only person I want to hang out with. Yeah. It'd be so nice if we wanted to fuck each other. I could just wrap everything up with a bow and be done. I know. But instead I have to go out and forage every day. I feel that about my gay friends sometimes as well. Gay guy friends? Yeah. Nice. But they don't want to fuck me. Solomon?

Oh, yeah. Are you kidding me? What a catch. Yeah. I would do anything for Solomon. I would fuck his dick right now. He wouldn't like it. Yeah. Would you? Probably. Really? Yeah. Why not? Because he's not enjoying it. You think I won't? I got to get mine. Fuck you, Solomon. I'm going to- Let me fuck your dick. Let Amy fuck your dick, Solomon. We're friends at Universal. At Universal. With our season passes in hand. That pay off in two trips. Yeah.

Amy, I love you so much. I love you so much. Will you tell the people where they can find you? Oh, yeah. Just follow me on Instagram, Amy Miller Comedy. And I tour all the time. You can come see me. You should go see Amy. You do tour all the time. Yeah. And I'll see you at Caleb's next show. I'll be wearing a suit and I will have bought a plane ticket. And some merch. And a gift. And some merch, I hope. Yeah. I can't believe. The fact that you have Steve's merch and not mine is so sick.

Well, I need to get it. Yeah. You guys have been friends for a lot longer and that type of thing, but man, that hurt. I'll buy some, but I want to buy it in person. I'm not going to pay shipping fees. Okay. All right. Well, I love you. Then I might get lost in the mail. Yeah. Nice. Nice save. I love you. Thanks for being on. I love you so much. That was a hate gun podcast.

Hey everyone, I'm Dan Licata. And I'm Nick Nanny. And we are the hosts of Chicken Padme Jan now on HeadGum. It's the very first podcast for and about Italian-Americans. That's right. But if you're not Italian-American, you can listen to, I guess. I suppose we can let you in, cut you a deal. We're talking about all sorts of crazy topics on this. Who's a better cook? Nana or...

Or mama. Who you got in that fight? Nana or mama? I mean, I can't say bad about Nana or else she'd smack me across head. We got some great guests on the show. We got Wayne Diamond. We got Edie Modica. We got Mike Hanford. And our wife, Severo. So subscribe to Chicken Parmesan on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every Thursday.