My Kid is Scared to Try Anything New
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and hesitant about doing almost anything new. I don't want to go to that birthday party. I don't want a play date. I don't even like soccer. And yet, whenever you help them actually get to those activities, they generally have a really good time.

This is a scenario that I was in over and over again with one of my kids. And today I'm talking to a mom about this exact situation. I am so excited for you to hear the conversation and for you to hear one of my favorite strategies that truly did start to shift things with my kid who used to be pretty slow to warm up. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. We'll be back right after this.

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I've just been sort of struggling with something with my oldest son. He's 14 years old. He's in eighth grade. He's a really kind, gentle soul, pretty well adjusted, I would say. And one thing that's sort of been a part of his personality since he was little is that he's

a little slow to warm up with like new experiences and trying new things. He's friendly with folks. He has friends, but he just sort of anytime we have ever offered him, you know, new experiences or classes, things like that, extracurriculars, he's generally been hesitant with a few exceptions. You know, he plays soccer. He loves that. That's his thing.

But he's actually very, you know, sort of intellectually curious. He always wants to know about things, but he's always just sort of hesitant to start things new. But the idea of sort of exposing, you know, oneself to new opportunities is something that like my husband and I value. And so we, over the years, you know, when he was, especially when he was younger, we would sign him up for things, even if he was, he would say no. We try to arrange for friends to be part of activities if we could. And

And he'd always be initially pretty hesitant or resistant, but almost every time he'd come home saying that he enjoyed the experience. So as he's emerged into his teen years, we've been trying to pull back on that a little bit and let him make more of his own decisions, more in that consultant advisor role.

And then also to sort of experience some of the natural consequences of that. So we've had a couple experiences like that. Like there was a model United Nations program that I thought he would really like because he loves geography and politics. And I explained why it was a good idea. He joined me for the webinar and then he basically was like, no, just don't want to do it. So no real reason. And I decided not to push it. It was hard for me, but I didn't push it any further. Yeah.

So basically, you know, we're just, we want to continue to like sort of pull back and allow him to make more decisions, but we keep, you know, there's, there's a big one kind of coming up. And so it's, I've been having some anxiety about it, just about how to handle it. Which is, you know, he currently goes to a school that goes through 12th grade. He's in eighth grade right now. It's a smaller school, which I think has some strengths, but also has some limitations with regard to like the opportunities and extracurriculars they have and

And then he has the option to go to a larger high school that I think has more opportunities. And he's really bright. I think I see him sort of becoming more open eventually and wanting opportunities, but he doesn't see that right now. You know what I mean? Like, I think he just would rather stay where he is. And so it's hard because I think part of his brain, he is kind of ambitious. Like, I think he wants to do things, but...

We have to make the decision. And I don't know, like if I asked him, he'll just want to stay at his current school without really giving it the right. He can't make the decision is kind of how I feel. And it's hard. There's so many. Yeah. I want to jump in just because there's so many themes here that matter so much. And you know what? It's making me think about when my daughter was younger, she was so slow to warm up. She's still a little slow to warm up, so slow to warm up.

and we get to a birthday party. She's sitting on my lap the whole time after kind of protesting. I don't want to go. I don't want to go. We'd go. She'd sit on my lap the last maybe five to 10 minutes. She'd join in, have the best time, and then come back to me with a different version of a meltdown of why is the birthday party over so soon? And I was like, okay. Well, if you joined the birthday party when it started, right? And it reminds me of what you're saying where there are kids who are slower to warm up

They can be kind of paralyzed with their fear. They often do benefit from a parent kind of seeing their capability a little bit more

you know, not pushing them, but maybe like scaffolding for them. They do benefit from it. But at the same time, Sonali, what really, you know, comes to mind is I feel like this is a dance for parents. It's a dance between how much do I kind of allow my kid to make decisions independently and how much are they kind of who they are? And do I just need to kind of respect that, especially if it's different for me? And then how much is it my job to

to just help them move a little bit more toward their edge and just grow a little bit. And the first thing I just want to say is no parent has this exactly right. And I think if you're a parent who's, as I kind of call it, like doing this dance thing,

that's the best it gets. And so it sounds like you've been doing this dance for some time. And I just want to give you credit for doing that. It sounds like, you know, you kind of have these moments, okay, we're going to push. Okay, that's fine. We're not going to push. And, you know, I think the only thing we really have as parents is a little bit of like our intuition about which side to lean into.

And then there's moments like this where it's like, okay, this is a big moment. It's like a school choice. Which school? You know, do I lean into the school that kind of embodies this maybe pushing a little bit toward the edge and growing? Do I lean into the school that seems a little safer and more in line with my kids' temperament and what they would choose on their own? So I just want to come out and say, I don't think there's a right choice. And I do think it, you know, we can kind of talk through this together. That's what I would say.

So one of the things I kind of want to name is I think it would be really helpful to kind of familiarize, I guess I would say, your son with the different parts of him. And so I'm going to kind of model this and I'll have you respond, which is some version. And I'm just going to, this might not be how you say it, but this will be the essence. You know what I'm thinking about, sweetie? You have many parts of you. We all do. But there are these two parts that come up a lot.

One part is kind of first, and it's loud, and it's convincing, and it generally kind of says, I don't want to push myself to do that. I'm okay with things as they are. That has risk. That is new. That has uncertainty, and I'm not into those things. And that part generally is loud, and it's kind of quick on the trigger, right? It's like first to speak.

And it strikes me, you also have this other part of you. That part kind of says, I can do new things. I can try things that are uncertain. I do generally grow from those experiences and even enjoy myself more than the first part says. Because sweetie, it's like the first part's like, you're going to hate that. And the second part's like, that was kind of fun. And the truth is, and I would say this to you, both of these parts are important. Neither of these parts is right or wrong, right?

But it could actually just be really helpful as you continue to grow up for us to recognize kind of like which part it is that's speaking at a given moment. So before I keep going in that role play, tell me what you, does that resonate? Does it feel like that's like one framework for understanding your son? Yeah, definitely. I think that he's definitely capable of understanding that. And I think that he would, I like the idea of like calling it out and sort of

Helping him understand his own brain a little bit better. I think that's exactly right. Because if we picture it, right, we all, I think, are kind of like the driver of our car. And in the backseat are all these parts of us that kind of chirp. So one's like, don't do that. Do that. Their feelings, their thoughts, their urges, those are passengers. They're parts of us. None of our passengers are a problem. The reason our passengers become problematic is only because they take over the driver's seat.

And if the driver's seat is constantly taken over by a part of us that says, no, right, kind of stay in my small zone of safety. If that's chronically what's happening, guess what? The car's not going to go anywhere. And cars are meant for driving, right? Now, if a car, by the way, also was always taken over by new, new, new, risk, risk, risk, go, go, go. That's, by the way, that's also not great as like, you know, always changing directions. Your car is going to break down. That's also not good. When we do well is when we change.

are driving the car, and we need input from the passengers. But we kind of also understand the context in which they're giving us advice. Like, we're like, oh, right, you are always the one who tells me not to try out for a soccer team. So helpful, but also I can have a little humor around that. And the beauty of this model, which is really drawn from internal family systems, which is like such an inspiration to me and Dick Schwartz and everything he does, is

Our kids understand this almost intuitively, even kids much younger than your son, because it actually speaks to how their mind is kind of wired and built. And so it tends to make sense. And kids often do really well, even when we kind of name a part of them. So maybe that first part is hesitant voice, or I don't want to do it voice, or it could be bad voice. And the second voice is kind of I am capable and I'll get through it voice. And I think the truth is if we can help him survive,

Start to recognize those parts. Then what happens is it's him talking to that part of him instead of that part of him taking over. Because I think what's happened is you often can find the kind of resilient part in him. To your credit, Sonali, I think you've always seen that in him, even when he can't access it himself, which is why he kind of says thank you. I mean, that is such a beautiful gift you've given him. I think that's an ultimate gift of a parent.

When we can see our kids struggle, but we also kind of see a part of them that's capable that they can't currently see in the moment, it's like the best it gets. And that's, you've been crushing it, right? And I think as a next step, we want him to,

in a moment, like a big jump would be him saying, I don't really want to try out for this team. But you know, mom, I think that's probably coming from the part of me that never wants to try out for something new. And I kind of know if I do, I'll probably hear from that part of me that's like, good, you did it. Like, you did really well. And so maybe I'm going to try out, right? And I think me and you as parents would be like, oh my goodness, that was just like the biggest parenting win ever, right? Because

That's what we're really trying to get him to. So that was a conversation I would just start to have outside the moment. I wouldn't bring it up in the context of trying out or a new school, but just, I think that would be helpful framework. And I think if you can also share, and by the way, I have these parts too, then it's not just him. We all have those parts.

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One of, I've realized for me, one of my more underutilized but powerful parenting strategies, and it's no longer as underutilized now that I realize this, is we have these moments where we're conflicted with our kid. Do I encourage him to go to the school or do I allow him to be at the smaller school? And we kind of feel like we have to work through it in our head and we have to like figure out the right answer. It can actually be a little bit of a challenge.

a really, really kind of like sturdy intervention, I would say, to just name that conflict to your son. Not to say, hey, I don't know what to do. What do you think? That's not what I'd recommend, but I'll model it. And then I'm curious what you think. Hey, I've been thinking a lot about the school decision we have to make. And there's two parts of me, kind of again, parts, right? There's this part of me that hears that you're not

dying to go to this new bigger school. And I hear that. And sweetie, I love you and I respect you. And I want you to have more and more of a say in decisions as you get older, because you're only a couple years away from having 100% control over all of your life decisions. Okay. There's also a part of me that knows you often have that loud, kind of hesitant voice, like we've talked about, come up first.

And there have been so many times where together we've seen that when you kind of say hi to that voice, but don't let that voice kind of make a decision for you, you end up being really grateful. You end up growing. And I think about that, like with this team or in this situation. And when I think about that, I kind of feel like this new bigger school would be amazing for you. And it's not that it's going to be easy. But I do kind of think that we might look back in four years and say,

wow, like you were really ready for that. And there were bumps and you really benefited so much from being surrounded by so much opportunity. And so I just know we're going to come to the right decision, but I just wanted to share that with you. Like, what do you think about that? So how do you think your son would respond if you kind of presented it in that way? I think he would be really receptive to hearing me talk it out. I think I've tried to start it here and there and

that hesitant part of him makes him sort of shut down. I ask him, is now a good time for us to talk about this? And he sort of always wants to bump it down the road. And then I'll say, oh, well, so when can we talk about this? But yeah, so that part just kicks in so immediately for him. And so I don't know how to... I think if I...

I have to make sure not to get like emotional. You know, so I'm getting emotional just thinking about like how he feels like so scary, you know? And so like, I don't know how to. But let me give you a few tools for that. Because to me, when we tell ourselves like, I can't get emotional. I know if that was me, I'd be like, well, what if it happens? I don't know. It feels like so almost out of my control. So a couple of things. I think when we tell our kids, I want to talk to you about something. I mean, me too. If someone says that to me, I'm like, oh no, I don't want to do this. Whatever it is, I don't want to have that conversation. But if you start with,

I'm kind of conflicted about something. And rather than trying to like figure it out on my own, which honestly I've tried to do, hasn't been successful. Like you're older now. I just want to share it with you because it relates to you, right? And I just figured like we could work through it together. To me, if someone says that to me, I'm like, oh, they kind of want my collaboration. They want me to lean in. They almost like honor or respect me enough to want me to be part of this. That feels very different. So I think that's a really good entry point. The other thing I would say from the start

is, hey, at some point I might cry. I just want to tell you that. Sometimes that happens. I don't even know exactly why. I think this is just a topic I've been thinking a lot about and things that are important in my life I tend to get emotional about. If I cry, that's a sign of how important this feels.

It's not a sign that you're doing anything wrong or that anything so bad is happening. And I just want to let you know in advance a way to understand my tears. So if they come, you'll get what's going on. Because then what you're doing is he won't assign a meaning to your tears that you don't want him to. Which some kids are like, oh, I made my mom cry. Or, oh, I'm disappointing my mom. Or I'm a bad kid, right? So you're almost preempting.

pre-labeling something. This is actually just, it makes me think when people say, how do I talk to my kid about sex? I'm like, so awkward. I say, just tell them, hey, if I'm awkward, it's because no one ever talked to me about this when I was a kid. It's not because there's anything wrong with this conversation. Just want to let you know in advance. And it kind of like just diffuses the awkwardness or for you, it diffuses anything bad about the tears. Do you think that might help?

Yeah, definitely. Because I mean, I've definitely heard and observed that like, yeah, teenagers can sort of are particularly bad at like misjudging faces and emotions and things like that. Yeah. Exactly. Whenever we're talking to someone to some degree, we're always assessing, am I a bad person? Do they think I'm a bad person? Did I do something wrong? And then we get defensive and it comes out in all unproductive ways. So by just starting by saying, hey, this is what's happening. This is a me thing. Here's how you can understand it.

I think the conversation will be much smoother. So how do you think you'd respond to that conflict? Let's say he allows the conversation. He understands the tears. He doesn't shut you down. And you're kind of like, hey, this is how I'm thinking about it. I'm hopeful that he would then open up and at least start talking to me about it because he hasn't wanted to do that. And we'd be able to hear from him what he...

he's looking for for high school, what he likes about his current school, what he doesn't currently like. He's just, he won't articulate those things off the bat as readily as like maybe another one of my other children. So I think, I think, yeah, I think laying it out like that will hopefully create that feeling of like, we're in this together where this isn't easy. It's,

going to all be fine, but we just need to make sure we all understand each other and where we're coming from, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. And here's the other reason I really like laying it out, as opposed to the approach of, look, I know you're nervous. You're going to the school, which maybe you get to if that's the decision you make. But one of the things that probably happens over time is we want your son to be able to voice that capable, I can get past the slow to warm up phase.

The more we lead with that and we almost own for our kid, it's like they own the hesitation and we own the you can do it. And what we're doing almost psychologically is we're splitting. That's what's called we're splitting. And then we lead with you can do it. And guess what? If they're conflicted, the only thing they can do then if we own the you can do it is split.

I don't know. I don't think so. And then we get frustrated. What are you talking about? You can do it. No, I don't think so. That's not a binary we want. We want both parts of the conflict to be in your son's body. We want him to understand the conflict, not for us to split it.

Does that make sense? It's kind of like, I don't know, if in a partnership you're like deciding what family to go to for the holidays. And if your partner says, I don't want to go to your family, all of a sudden you're like, well, I do. Even though maybe you're like, I don't even want to do that. Why did I say that? Where if they say, we should really go to your family, it's more likely for you to say, actually, no, let's get my family this year. Right? Because that's the essence of what happens when you split conflict.

So what you're doing when you approach your kid with, hey, I'm feeling, I notice both sides of the conflict, instead of being heavy-handed with one, you're actually making it a lot more likely that your kid can also see both sides instead of just owning one. Am I making sense? Yeah, that makes perfect sense. And I think that's where...

the next couple of years, right? Especially as our kids become older and older and they become closer to adulthood. Like what an empowering thing for him one day. I could picture him in college and saying, do I want to sign up for this class? It's something I've never done. And if he's able to say, oh, I don't want, wait, of course I don't want to do it. Like, of course, that's the first thing that comes to my mind. That tends to be the loudest. And there's also this other part that knows I like trying new things. It just takes me longer to realize that.

Like that, that is, that is huge. And I think that's what you're kind of on the path to him being able to do. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense to understand that sharing the decision, which I mean, we really do want to share it with him. Like, honestly, like we could, he could be happy at either school. So I think,

Understanding how important that we're on this side of this decision and this conflict is something we just need to both understand what's best for you together, I think it's going to be helpful. Yeah. And the other thing I just want to say is, you know,

I love validating kids' feelings. Let me just say that before I say the next part. Of course, validating our kids' feelings is so important. I think one of the things that at Good Inside, like I always try to teach parents, is the difference between validating a kid's feelings and kind of tunneling into the feeling with them, which I don't think is often helpful, and I'll explain the difference, versus validating a kid's feeling and simultaneously validating their capability.

So validating their feeling. It's like, I know that school is going to be big and that could be scary. And I'm not saying you're doing this, but I know and that might not be for you. And kind of what I'm doing is I'm almost like tunneling into that nervousness. A different version that is the version I always kind of want to teach parents is validation plus capability, which is, I know it is a bigger school. And there are going to be parts of that that feel really tricky. In fact, the first couple of weeks might feel confusing and overwhelming and scary.

You're a kid who I know can deal with that. And you're a kid who I know can get through it. And I know I'm a parent who will be there for you and will understand it. And I see you getting to the other side. I always say one foot in validation, one foot in hope. And I think that, yeah, I get it. You're hesitant. Makes sense. Yes. Tell me all the reasons. That totally makes sense. I get it. And then just the and.

Right? Is I think the thing that he often tells you, like he actually gets so much from hearing from you. It's like reflecting back. He can be capable in the face of his hesitation as opposed to, again, him just being the hesitation. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

No, I just want to go on record and say this. I hear myself like, oh, do I think he should go to the biggest school? I feel myself going that direction. I don't, you know, like, you know, the details of the schools much better than I do. And can kids really grow and learn in a smaller environment? 100% for some kids, that's better. And so I really see benefits in both ways. I think the most important thing is you kind of helping him understand these parts and

and you continuing to see that he can be really capable in the face of this hesitation, as opposed to the hesitation is kind of taking over and being kind of the whole truth. Yeah, exactly. I mean, I feel like this will, like him naming his parts will help him no matter what we decide to do, just because there's always going to be opportunities where he's going to initially be hesitant to lean into them and

Yeah, this is really what I'm after, which is just him recognizing that part and also recognizing his capability and his self-trust to be able to just like take advantage of opportunities. Because that's what I'm really afraid of, honestly, is that he just won't take advantage of things that he would really love.

Yes. And I think you're right. I think this is like such a powerful path and it also takes away the anxiety. Wait, I can have a win either way. It's not really about the school. It's about actually helping him have a framework to understand himself. And that framework is going to travel with him far longer than the school decision. Yeah, exactly. Well, I would love to hear how it goes. I really love the updates. So...

please let us know. And I just also want to say it's so clear how centered you are on him and who he is and wanting to further empower him. And I just think that's really amazing. Thank you so much. This has been really, really helpful. I'll let you know. I want to make sure you know where you can get more resources. If you're struggling with a kid who's really hesitant, who's full of a lot of fear and a lot of anxiety,

I really love my approach for helping kids with anxiety. And what I know is it's kind of a 180 from a lot of the information out there. My approach is really based on empowering kids through their capability and empowering you to see that in your kid as well. If you're in Good Inside membership, just look up my kids anxiety workshop. There's also a bunch of scripts and guides around that if you don't have time for something longer. And if you're not in membership, check that out via the link in our show notes.

Today's episode is in partnership with Airbnb and Happy Egg. Thank you for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com slash podcast. Or you could write me at podcast at goodinside.com. Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world. And you deserve resources and support so you feel empowered and confident for this very important job you hold.

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Good Inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom at Magnificent Noise. Our production staff includes Sabrina Farhi, Julia Knapp, and Kristen Muller. I would also like to thank Erica Belsky, Mary Panico, Brooke Zant, and the rest of the Good Inside team. And one last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle,

And even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.