How to Not Raise an @$$h0le - Part 2
18:11 Share

Entitlement. There, I said it. I was almost nervous to say that word. I think it's the dirty word in parenting that we all kind of cringe. I can't even tell you how often I hear parents say, Dr. Becky, just how do I not have an entitled kid? Please, anything but that. Because I think we see this image of a kid who becomes older and

and doesn't really understand how to operate in the world. Kind of doesn't understand that the world is not for their pleasure, that the world is hard, the world has bumps, that no one's coming to smooth over those bumps for you. It's about stepping over them, figuring out how to manage it. And when I think about how much fear we have around this outcome,

It makes me come back to my very practical, hopeful sense where I think, okay, wait, every parent I know wants to avoid having entitled kids. Okay, well, I'm pretty sure we can do better than like crossing our fingers and just saying like, oh, I hope, I hope that doesn't happen. I believe we have agency here. And so what I want to talk about today is what we can be doing day-to-day, week-to-week, month-to-month,

to make sure we don't raise kids who are entitled. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. We'll be back right after this. So when I talk to parents, there's often huge variety in kind of the top quality they wish for in their kid. Some people say confident. Some people say caring. Some people say bold. And there's almost universal agreement in the number one quality parents don't want their kids to have.

entitlement.

Over and over, I have parents asking me, are there things I can do now so that my kid doesn't become entitled later on? And the truth is, there are. And so I wanted to put all of my thoughts down in one place, and I created something brand new, a how to avoid entitlement guide. It's all practical strategies and specific scripts you can use so you know your kids are building the skills they need and that they are

going to avoid that entitled outcome. It's available within membership. So if you're already a member, just search avoid entitlement within our member library. Or if you're not yet a member and want to check it out, check the link in the show notes. Okay, let's talk about entitlement and how to make sure we're not raising an entitled kid.

Well, let's first define entitlement because the truth is we can't intervene before we understand something. If we're trying to avoid a certain outcome, we have to deeply understand what that outcome is or else we're just going to try random things and probably not be that effective. Here's my take. I don't think entitlement is actually about materialism or money.

I know we all picture scenarios that way. My kid is in Sephora and they feel entitled to some skin product that even I wouldn't buy for myself, right? Oh, my kid has no idea how hard I have to work to put food on the table and they just want to go out for ice cream every night. So it's not that money and materialism isn't a main way that entitlement kind of gets manifested, but it's actually not the core problem.

I believe that entitlement is kind of the intolerance of uncomfortable feelings. Or said another way, the fear of frustration.

Now, I'm going to pause because I think you might be thinking, wait, what? Is this about entitlement? That seems like the weirdest, most disconnected thing. You're telling me, my kid who's melting down, that I won't get them a new Lego set? This is about feelings and frustration and fear? Like, what in the world? But stay with me because I think this framework is going to make sense to you. And I think it'll actually make you feel more hopeful about

about the power you have as a parent to help your kid develop gratitude and groundedness and not entitlement. Kids who appear entitled, the meltdown about the Lego, the why can't we go out for ice cream every night, in a way what they're saying is, I am not getting something I want. And instead of just being upset,

I kind of feel like I shouldn't have to feel this way. That's really the charge of entitlement. It's not like, what? I can't go to ice cream. It's, you need to take me to ice cream. What? I can't get the Lego? I'm so upset. Everyone else has Legos. You're the worst dad in the world. There's this like indignance. I shouldn't have to be the kid who doesn't get Legos.

I shouldn't have to want ice cream and not get ice cream. How dare you? That's really what's happening. And if we really fast forward and we think about someone who is like cutting the line at a grocery store, right?

And this is a funny example because I remember years ago being on the express line and everyone was in line, you know, just a few items. And this guy was kind of going up to everyone in line and saying, I'm sorry, I'm just in a rush and I only have a few things. I was like, that's literally why we're all in line. We all have a few things, right? That's literally why we're in the under 10 items line. We are all in the same boat.

And in a way, there was this real charge of entitlement. Like, I shouldn't have to wait in line. And so that, to me, isn't about money. That's actually about someone being in line as an adult and probably saying this to themselves at first. This sucks. I have to wait. Now, zooming out, you know how many people I know like to wait in line? I think it's like a zero. You know how many people like traffic? I'd also probably put that at a zero.

Nobody likes things that are annoying. But over time, we've either learned to deal with things that are annoying because we've just been through them and no one's rescued us from them, or we have a pattern in childhood where every time we're annoyed or frustrated or kind of have to wait in line, not get something we want.

People, quote, solve that for us. I'm going to put solve in quotes because the irony is the short-term solution to solving frustration is the single biggest cause of the problem of entitlement. I want to say that again. When our kids are young, our short-term solutions to solve their frustration are

lead to the long-term problem of entitlement. Because what our kids are really learning, and let's paint this picture. You have to go to the grocery store. Your kid is, I'm making this up, five years

And let's say you have someone at home. Maybe it's your partner. Maybe it's a babysitter. It's a grandma, whoever it is at your house. And you say to your five-year-old, we've got to stop at the store before we go home. Maybe it's even your 10-year-old. And your kid says, what? I don't want to go to the store. Can you just drop me off? Okay. Now, let me be clear. Would I sometimes drop my kid off? Of course I would. But this is just an example of whether something like this is a pattern. I think you're going to get it. So let's go through it.

And let's say I say to my kid, not once, but kind of over and over, okay, sure, fine. We'll go, you know, I'll drop you off. Versus I say to my kid in those types of situations, more often than not, maybe not 100% of the time, but some percentage,

sweetie, no, you're going to come with me. And you're right. It is Saturday afternoon. The grocery store is going to be busy and we will have to wait in line and nobody likes waiting in line. It's going to kind of be boring. But my kid goes to the grocery store with me. Knowing kids, they're probably going to be annoyed. They're not going to say, you're right, this is good for me long-term. They're going to say like, oh, mom, this is so annoying. Why do I have to do this? But we have to get through that. Well, let's think about the circuitry we're building when our kids are young. When I constantly bring my kid home,

And I'll just give other examples of that. No, you don't have to go to your sister's soccer game. You instead can have a play date. Oh, we don't have to take the subway. You're right, because the subway has a line. Instead, we'll just jump in a car right away, right? None of these individually are bad, but let's just say that's the pattern. What is my kid's body learning? Whenever I feel frustration, annoyance, boringness come up, there is a quick exit ramp to something more enjoyable.

Not only that, but when I seem upset about doing something kind of mundane, my adult rescues me from it and brings me into ease and comfort and personal satisfaction versus I feel frustrated, annoyed, boring, and my adult tolerates that with me. My adult doesn't exit me from that tunnel.

They kind of ensure I stay in the tunnel. Eventually, I get out of the tunnel, but boy, do I walk through that tunnel. And you know what the tunnel is? Waiting in line at the grocery store. This is what makes for more likelihood to have entitlement versus less likelihood to have entitlement. You know that at Good Inside, we're always thinking about ways to make your life easier. And this extends to traveling because nothing about traveling with kids is easy.

That's why I'm so excited that Airbnb continues to partner with us. Airbnb makes it easier to travel as a family. Their different filters help me quickly find what I need without hours of scrolling. And now you can also use Airbnb to make a little extra income without a ton of extra effort. When you become a host on Airbnb, you can earn money while you're away.

Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.com slash host. And so let's bring this back to the very, very practical of our day-to-day lives. Number one, this is the point where me too, let me just be clear, I can talk a good game on this podcast, okay? Me too. I'm like, oh boy, oh boy. Let me be honest with myself. In the last month, I have really prioritized my kids' short-term comfort and the avoidance of meltdowns and whining.

over long-term avoidance of entitlement. And this is where we tell ourselves the story, oh, so I'm an awful parent. Oh, so I messed up my kid forever, so I'm just going to have an entitled kid. No, let's just like notice how quickly that comes up for me too and just say, hello, I'm going to put you to the side because there's another voice there that might be saying, wait, something about this resonates. I don't have to judge myself for it. I don't have to blame. I don't have to kind of fast forward into the future and feel like this is going to be my awful kid forever. I'm not an awful parent. No, huh.

Is there some small step I can take that would make me say, that's manageable, I could do that? Not, oh, that feels too big. Just some small step that would make me say, I could do that, maybe even today. What might that be? Okay, can I take my kid on an errand? That's something I need to do.

That is actually no fun for them. Now, I know you may be thinking, Dr. Becky, do you not like children? Are you trying to torture them? No. I love children. I love parents too. But

I am very long-term greedy with my own kids. And if I just had to put it out there for your kids, I feel long-term greedy for your kids. If I had to choose between interventions that maximize kind of happiness and ease today or maximize long-term avoidance of entitlement and long-term resilience tomorrow, you better bet every time I'm going to choose that latter bucket. Okay? So...

Let's say that errand is like you have to go to Home Depot or something that maybe your kid is uninterested in. Home Depot, you have to go to the dry cleaner. Ooh, I have a good one. I've actually never done this. I have to get, and this is true for me, I have to get three pairs of pants tailored. If you don't know this about me, I'm very short, so no pants fit me. That's not

that fun. Whenever I go to the tailor, like there's always someone there before me. I have to wait. I then have to like actually do them. There's zero part of that experience that any of my children would enjoy. That might be a really good experiment.

hey, tomorrow, you know how you have a play date and we're going to be walking you before we get there? I actually have to stop at the tailor. Okay, I'm going to say this and I'm going to brace myself. Let me be clear because my kid will not say, oh, no problem. Like you're doing the play date for me. I'll do the tailor for you. Fair, fair. That makes sense. Of course not. They're going to say, oh, really?

Can you just like go to the tailor another time? Wait, what? But like the tailor's kind of in the other direction. So like, why don't you do that and then come pick me up and then go to the play date. And this is where, and I have to be honest, maybe this is not where I'd start if I've never done this, but my kids are kind of used to this by now, right? So this is when I would say, and I want to be clear, I'd say this directly to my kid. Listen, sweetie, no.

We're going to go to the tailor together and you're going to wait. And I just want to tell you right now, I'm not going to give you my iPhone during it. You could bring a book if you want. Totally fine. But I'm not going to give you my iPhone. Just want to let you know that up front. It's just really important that as we structure our family's lives, that we balance the times I'm doing things for you and you're at times doing things that are convenient for making the family work.

And this is like one of those times. And this is great, okay? Because when your kid says, but that's gonna be so boring. This is when you can say, you're totally right. Like, I mean that. It will be boring. This is probably gonna be the least fun part of your Saturday. And I know you're a capable kid who can get through boring things.

Because when I think about in my private practice, when I'd see parents of 16-year-olds, 20-year-olds, you know, a lot older kids who they were saying, Dr. Becky, my kid's behavior is so entitled, like I need to get a handle on this. I actually noticed that these older kids, even though the behavior they described felt so, I mean, this despicable to the parent, I felt so much empathy for the kid.

And I know what you're thinking. You felt empathy for a 16-year-old with incredibly entitled behavior. I really did because underneath the entitled behavior, I saw a really vulnerable 16-year-old who had no more coping skills for something that was boring and frustrating than they did when they were one or two. And I kind of thought like how vulnerable to go about the world with such a narrow range of

of capability. I feel capable and confident when I'm doing something for my own pleasure, when I do something easy, when I'm always at the front of the line. But in almost any area of life, which by the way, as we get older, is most areas of life,

I feel like there's like a nakedness. There's like, I literally am not built for this. I was not built for the real world. And then the behavior looks so awful and embarrassing to a parent, but the actual core is so vulnerable. And so when I think about saying to kids, you're going to come with me to the grocery store because I believe you can do things that are boring. It sounds so silly.

But if we don't believe that our kids can tolerate frustration, disappointment, being last, being bored, they grow up believing they are not capable of getting through those very human, completely unavoidable feelings.

I hope that this brought some insight into the idea of entitlement and avoiding entitlement because I've never heard so much kind of uniformity, if you will, about the thing parents don't want for their kids. And yet to me, knowing where you don't want to go

But not knowing a road to be on that ensures you avoid that kind of outcome, that to me feels awful as a parent. If I know I don't want to drive to a certain city, when I get in my car, I'm going to make sure I'm not on the road to that city. That would be awful. I don't want to drive to City X.

I didn't even know, but I was on the road to X the whole time. I want to make sure you know that there is a road away from entitlement. It's not what we do one or two times. And it also doesn't mean, by the way, when you make your kid's life easy here and there, oh, I messed it all up. Of course not. It's all about balance and overall patterns. But these things that we do week after week...

This is how we not only will ensure our kids avoid entitlement, we actually ensure that they become resilient and confident and capable. That's the outcome. Besides avoiding entitlement, those are the things we actually want. Thank you for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com slash podcast. Or you could write me at podcast at goodinside.com.

Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world, and you deserve resources and support so you feel empowered and confident for this very important job you hold. I'm so excited to share Good Inside membership.

It's the first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like-valued parents. It's game-changing and built for a busy parent who wants to make the most out of the few minutes they have. One last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside...

I remain good inside. Today's episode is in partnership with Airbnb.