I Choose...To Grieve The Loss of Shannen Doherty
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Brought to you by State Farm. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garth. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the I Choose Me podcast. So this is a very difficult time that we are all going through. We are all experiencing this great loss of our friend, Shannon Doherty, because I know that we're all feeling this sadness, this heaviness,

grief is just so unique to each one of us plays out differently for everybody and I just wanted to acknowledge this huge huge loss I'm gonna have my best friend Adele our therapist come in and help me to sort of process

my feelings and talk about grief with us in hopes that this will help you guys if you're feeling the same as I am, which I'm pretty sure you are. Hi, Adele.

Thank you. Of course, I have not seen you or talked to you other than by text since we heard the news about Shannon. And I'm honored and glad that you wanted to include me in this conversation. And I'm glad you want to be of service to your 90210 family that's grieving and

And from what I can tell by the news cycle, it's more than just your 90210 family grieving. Yeah, it's a big family. The whole world definitely feels the loss. I think, you know, whether you were a fan of the show or one of her other shows, or if you were a fan of the way she was addressing her battle publicly and helping a lot of people through their own struggles, it's

There's a lot of people that really looked up to Shannon, and I was one of them. So, yeah. It's been about five days. So maybe we start with you. How did you find out? I was on a trip with my husband. We had planned a getaway to sort of be able to spend time together. And I found out while we were away that

So that definitely sort of changed the tone of that trip entirely. And since it happened while I was out of town, it didn't feel real somehow. And there's no way I would open my Instagram or do any kind of looking because it's just kind of everywhere and it's just too much. My phone...

was blowing up with like people sending their condolences and which, you know, of course that is so kind, but it just kept hitting, hitting, hitting. And so when I got back to LA, when we got home, I just wanted to stay home. Like I just don't want to go anywhere right now. That kind of feeling of just needing to like crawl in a hole and process this without eyes open.

Yeah, that makes sense. And, you know, you're describing exactly what kind of happens when somebody learns that someone they love and care about dies. It's a shock, right? That's kind of the first thing that happens is belief and shock. Well, it's crazy because we all knew she was sick. The whole world knew that, you know, and I don't know why, but I just thought she would get better. I thought she would kick it. She's

you know, the strongest woman around. And I just never thought that this would happen. And I had listened to some of her podcasts from the previous week, and I knew she was kind of undergoing this new chapter in her battle with cancer, more chemotherapy. And I could tell she was feeling, you know, nervous, but I also saw a glimmer of hope in her and, and that

I don't, that just reassured me that everything was going to be okay. If she was hopeful, then I could be hopeful too. Yeah. I mean, I think that's what she was putting out in the world. And I think everybody that was rooting for her was paying close attention, but I think we all felt like, Oh, cancer is no match for her. Like she, she just wanted to live and she made that very clear over and over again. And so I,

I was totally shocked when I heard the news. She felt so alive the last several weeks with her podcast and everything that I just thought it just was such a shock. And of course, I thought about you immediately. I was one of the people that blew up your phone at 7 a.m. hoping I wasn't the first person. You were. You were the first person. I didn't see it. Actually, Dave was having his coffee in bed and I came out from the bathroom and he

He said, I need to tell you something. And instantly when he says that, I panic just instinctually. And I thought he was going to say something about, you know, my dog who's elderly or something like from our family. And then he told me that this happened. And I was like, like, I literally felt like someone punched me in the stomach.

I think I feel so protective of you that, you know, and I'm an early bird. When I saw it, I thought I got to get to Jenny and make sure she's protected. And I was so glad you were with Dave. I'm sure it was dizzying to be out of the country. Yeah, I was very felt very weird. I don't know how to explain it. And then just flying back into L.A. and kind of coming to terms that it was real. Yes. Really hard.

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more you save. Do not delay, dear listener. Experience the fashion revolution that is snag and visit snagtights.us today. Have you spoken with any of your other 90210 co-stars? Are you guys supporting each other and reaching out? And if you want to share anything about that? Yeah, I mean, we've talked about it, that we have a group chat. Jason, of course, was the first one to

reach out to everybody and just you know say i love you guys and this is insane no more no more loss like this is crazy that that i think that's one of the hardest parts for me is that it's it's now two three it's two people from our original cast you know and of course joey tata paul wagner and jessica klein other people have passed away also but this just was like

You know, when you have like a group shot and if you can imagine that image of that person in the group shot fading away. Yeah. And to like disappear, like it's just, I can't, I can't really wrap my head around it. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm sure it brought all the feelings back about Luke. I know that was an incredibly difficult loss for you. Mm-hmm.

I was with you that day, as was Dave. And watching that loss was, I'm sure it brought it all flooding back. Definitely. I never, I chose to never speak publicly very much at all about Luke's passing. Didn't, you know, put up a post or anything. I just, I didn't know how to handle that. And I didn't feel compelled to let my feelings out there.

This one felt, I don't know, felt different, but the same. So yeah, I mean, I feel like when grief comes knocking at your door, death comes knocking at your door, causing grief, like it's the same feeling. Grief just, however you feel grief individually, it's the same feeling. So yeah, it does take you right back to that, any previous pain or encounter you've had with it.

Just like it was yesterday. So it has familiar elements to it that any other grief that you've gone through or any other loss that you've had, you're right back there feeling that loss too. Is that normal? Is that normal to have that same feeling about different people? Of course, because it is a very, like you said at the very beginning, it's so unique to

to each individual and wherever you feel it in your body, right? And whatever thoughts you have around losing somebody or something that you love, whether it's a person, an animal, a job, a partnership, it lives in your body in the same place. So you're right back there. And if you kind of kept it to yourself or locked it away or didn't fully grieve it, it's an open space.

wound again. Yeah. I don't think I've ever fully grieved any loss that I've had. So it's like opening up a nasty box of feelings. Yeah. Yeah. And you know, a lot of grief experts think that the best thing you can do with grief as painful and sorrowful as it is, is to feel it fully.

And maybe the gift that Shannon's passing can give you, especially because she's kind of known for this too, is to really feel the sorrow and lean into it and grieve it. Because I know you and I know you lock things away and you only allow for as much as you think you can allow. But I also know as you've evolved and grown, I know you can allow more.

And maybe this is the time where you let some of those other losses that are kind of locked away or, you know, trapped in your body that you, you let it go. You don't just cry for Shannon, but you cry for your dad and Luke. And I'm, you know, thinking of other people, Lynn and many dogs that you've lost. And, you know, you've had a lot of, you had a lot of loss, right?

Yeah. I mean, some people haven't experienced loss yet. We all will, but like, like a real loss, like your dad or your friend or your mom or something like that kind of grief or a child, that kind of grief, you cannot understand it even the slightest until you've been through it. Right. Like my husband, Dave's never lost anybody. Right.

He's never experienced death. So in a way, it's kind of hard because he tries his best, of course, to like come for me and be there for me. But I don't think he fully grasps the depth of it and just the way it works. Like it'll just come up out of nowhere in the middle of a dinner bite. Like you never know when you're just going to basically lose it and die.

be sad. Right. It ebbs and flows. It comes in waves. It is not linear at all. It catches you by surprise, you know, and you know, you'll be giving Dave a gift, showing him what it looks like when it comes for him. Right. And your kids.

We always talk about modeling when we get together, you know, and do this podcast, like what are you modeling for people? But any way that you can sort of let the sorrow in and lean into it, they say that that also allows you to feel the greatest joy too. Because if you're feeling two sides of the same coin and you're allowing for both, it can be a continuum or whatever that you can

You're also giving yourself a gift of feeling deeply on both sides of the continuum and you can handle it. Yeah. I, I have learned more about just letting feelings pass, you know, and honoring them and reminding myself when I am feeling any kind of certain way that it's just a feeling and it will pass. And I,

You know, I talk to my little self inside and I say, it's okay. You know, I'm here for you. You got this. You're going to be okay. I know it hurts right now, but it's going to get better. I know that when my dad passed away, people would say to me, time will heal, honey. Time will fix it. And I was like, F you. You know, time will never make this feel better.

Yeah. And it really made me mad when people would say that. And I realize, of course, now, I don't even know how many years later, 12 years later, from my dad's passing that it does dissipate. Like the emotions, that raw feelings of emotions that you go through right away and that I'm still going through and I know so many people are still going through, they do dissipate. And it's not...

It's not that you're forgetting that person or you're like moved on to something else because it does live in you forever. It's just that you have found some way to comfort yourself through it and accept it and honor it and love it.

move forward with your life because that's what you have to do. Yeah. I heard a beautiful description the other day in a podcast, and I wish I could give credit, but I don't remember who said it, but that grief is like a heavy stone in your pocket and you're very aware of it. You feel that heavy stone and it weighs you down and you feel it every day. And

And as time goes on and you get stronger, the stone gets lighter, right? So you don't feel it as often. It's not as ever present, but it's always in your pocket. You never forget about it. But your strength and courage and kind of integration of the loss allows for the stone and the heaviness and weight of it to get lighter. Yeah. Yeah.

I feel that. I know that from dealing with it so many times. Yeah. You think in the moment you're going to break, you know. And I know with Shannon, I was shocked. And then I was pissed at myself for being shocked. I was like so mad. You know, I was...

Bargaining and saying, why her? Like, why not me? And I know, I don't know anything actually, but there were so many feelings. I was angry, angry at her circumstances, at cancer, at the world for taking, you know, her away from her mom. Yeah. And her family and her dog. She loved Bowie so much.

Oh, sorry. I don't want to cry. And just the world, like all of our 90210 family, there has been this crazy division in some of the fans that they were either team Kelly or they were team Brenda. And I don't think that either Shannon or I ever wanted that. So I, you know, even though if you were team Brenda or whatever, I...

I know you're hurting just the same. Everybody is hurting and there's just, you know, it's a time when we can all come together and process this all with each other. So that is my hope. And maybe end that once and for all in that, you know, binary choice or that divisiveness because you and Shannon never wanted that. And, and,

People get so wrapped up in TV shows and I understand, but to think that it's, it was so black and white or that they understand the story or the friendship between you and Shannon and what worked and what was complicated and the love that was there and the experiences that you and Shannon had are nobody else's, but your own. So, you know, I would just say, let's, let's hope that everybody can, can kind of release that once and for all and,

I wanted to bring something up that you, I mean, you basically talked about, you cycled through the Elizabeth Kubler-Ross stages of grief in a matter of moments, right? You know, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. And they come and go again, like quickly over time and all of it is okay, right?

Because when I heard you say you were mad at yourself for, I think, being angry, I just want to say to you two things. In grief, the most important thing that I can impart to you and to people listening, everything is okay in grief. Meaning, whatever it looks like for you, whatever it looks like for anybody that's listening, all is okay. Shutting down, irritability,

anger. If you feel guilty, that's a really common thing. And that you have to be, the most important thing is you have to be gentle on yourself. We do so much self-incrimination. We do so much beating ourselves up. And so that's the second thing is gentle on yourself, accept all. And also not just for you, but anybody else that's grieving how they do it is also okay. So you give space for yourself and others and gentleness and grace and

for yourself and others, because all is okay during grief, any kind of behavior, acting out, shutting down. Yeah. Yeah. I think that that's important. I hope everybody really hears that, that you're grieving. Like even if you weren't friends with Shannon or, you know, weren't in my position or any of our positions, you loved her. And it's a loss for anybody who

loved any part of her. So I hope that people really hear that and are gentle on themselves and honor their grief because like you're saying, it's the only way to get through it. You can't go around it. Yeah. When talking about Shannon, like what do you think? Cause I know you've been thinking about her a lot. What do you think you'll remember most about her? I will remember the respect that I have for her always had for her in the

Her willingness to voice her opinions on things, stand up for people that needed to be stood up for, that couldn't do it themselves. I will admire that. So her bravery and she was one of the most generous people I know. She was really kind and generous and strong.

And sometimes her strength got in her way and didn't look the way other people wanted it to look. But she didn't care. She was strong anyway, because I think she had to be. I know we have very similar upbringings and stories about our dads and our grandmothers.

Just deep, deep connections with our fathers and then how her dad and my dad both got sick when we were young. And we did everything in our power to keep them alive as long as possible. And that was a lot of pressure and weight to put on our shoulders as teenagers, basically. Yeah. And so we both shared that, I want to say...

burden because it was very difficult and it and I was thinking like you know Shannon was a fighter she was always a fighter though it wasn't just because of one thing or or things that weren't significant she fought for things that matter to her and people that matter to her and um I loved laughing with Shannon like we could have a a good session of just like uncontrollable laughing

And she was funny. And I will probably miss the most just hearing her say my name. Because she always said Ginny. Like from the South. Yeah. And I never corrected her. It was just the way she said it. And I loved it. Do you have a favorite memory or story with her? Like one of your favorite funny times? Oh, my God. Yeah.

We could get really mischievous together, her and I. Very, very strong, independent girls and women. I loved when we were being mischievous or ornery or just a little devilish. Like, you know, not to the point of bad things happening, but just for a little fun. And one of the last main memories I have is going several years back now was going to Vegas to see

Ian, our friend Ian in Chippendales. So we flew together to see him and we supported him and we just laughed so hard and she thought it was so funny when they pulled me up on stage and, you know, did a public lap dance. So we had a really great time on that trip. Yeah. And I also keep like

remembering the last word that she said to me was just an example of even though our relationship was complicated at times or was convoluted at times by outside forces that just sort of crept in for us both, we still loved each other. And it was after our last time together at maybe 90s Con. Anyway, she had to get right back to us

LA and she was taking her, I think her friend's private plane. And she had offered everybody that needed to get back to LA or even Jason who had to go to Nashville, get on the plane and we can all go together. And no one asked me. And I, I was feeling a little like, ouch, just from being not asked or, you know, I don't know why. I didn't even have to go back to LA. I had to go the opposite direction to New York, but she came up to me.

Right before they left. And she was like, we're going on this plane. You're welcome to come with us, Ginny. And I can see her saying it. And that just keeps playing over and over in my mind. Her generosity. I hear that a lot.

something that's so remarkable to me is the way you talk about her and the way you describe her. And I met her, but way back in the day when you were doing 90210, like I was there on set with you guys, but I hadn't seen her in all the decades ensuing decades. But the way you talk about her and describe her is so similar to who you are in so many ways, fighter, strong, standing up for people,

mischievous and funny. There are so many similarities in the way that you grew up with your dads. And I can see why you bonded. But it just hit me for the first time in all these decades, how actually similar you are. That's true. It really is. We're both strong, independent, not necessarily by our own

Yeah. And we're both Aries, you know, and that's a whole thing in itself. Yeah. But yeah, I don't think anybody ever realized how similar we actually were. And I think that people that just met Shannon, you know, quickly or, you know, they didn't get to know her the way that I had the privilege of getting to know her and the rest of the cast, you know,

To get to know her was to love her. Yeah. Definitely.

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It's just also really hard when, you know, and this was with Luke too, like when someone famous dies, there's just so many reminders, visual reminders, whether it's on your feed or on the news or on your For You page or old cast photos. Like, you know, when it's really, really hard to sign up

cast photos and see Luke not there and now to have to sign those photos without Shannon there it's just like inconceivable that's the part that's like I don't want to believe it like

And there are times when I still refuse to believe that Luke is gone. Well, I think he's here right now in that light that's shining behind you. Yeah, it's weird. There's a light shining right on my head, like a ray. I know he's with you a lot. He is with me a lot. And he was the first person I thought of when I heard the news and I thought how happy he was going to be.

To be with her again. Like whatever your beliefs are. About heaven and hell and transitioning. Or spirits. All the things. Like whatever it is. For me personally. I feel the spirits of the people that I love the most. If they die or cross over. Or whatever you want to call it. I feel them so much. And I turn to Luke all the time. For love.

help, you know, like in dealing with certain things or making decisions. I ask him and I just, I get pretty strong answers from him because he was very opinionated on things that I had going on in my life. But I just know he, it's going to sound very weird, but he definitely was there to catch her. And I knew he would be.

But I know he was. Yeah. And he was like that for you in your life, too. He was somebody that you turned to and, you know, took his consult and wanted his opinion on things. And he had no problem giving them to you. And so I think it's a beautiful example that you're sharing that you still get that even though he's not here physically anymore. Yeah.

you absolutely still get that. Yeah. I didn't believe it. I didn't believe it until I believed it. Like I went for a long time. I called myself agnostic. Like I didn't believe in anything. I didn't know. I didn't have any faith and I was okay with that. I survived a long time without it. And as I've gotten older, you know, you look at things like that. And I just started believing, having faith that,

In that my, I call them my angels, my spirits, my loved ones that have passed away. I still feel them with me. And I can literally, this is the weirdest thing too. Like in a way, when Luke was alive or Shannon was alive, I felt like that relationship was strong.

because it was shared by so many. Like I sometimes felt like I didn't have as much of their attention or time or as close a relationship as I wanted. But I found with Luke and with my dad that I have them all the time. Like I'm closer to Luke than I ever was. And I'm closer to my dad than I ever was because they're always with me and I can always turn to them and ask them. And, um,

I hope that people can feel that way with Shannon. That's really hopeful. I want to say something to you and to everyone who's listening, which is grief isn't just one thing. It is a process, okay?

And again, let it come and go as it does. And if you know you or anybody that's listening needs extra support, let's make sure to leave some resources. Yes, let's do that. We'll leave resources in the show notes. And if anybody needs help getting through this or dealing with this grief or any grief.

reach out to a professional because it really does sort of smooth the rough edges of the whole experience. And it, it gives you like some outside perspective and some insight that you don't have when you're feeling all these intense feelings. So I hope that people will check out those resources that we're going to leave for you in, in the show notes. And I guess, you know,

It is what it is. Like you can't change it even though you want to, you have to accept it and move forward. Yeah. Don't force it. I'm so glad you wanted to be of service because this was a hard thing to do. I'm glad you wanted to do it for fans of the show. Other people who are grieving. I'm really touched that you asked me to do this with you. Always. Thank you. I love you so much.

Yeah. Thanks. Thanks for doing this. Thank you. And thanks everybody for being here with me today. And I will be back soon. Bye-bye.

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For 25 years, Brightview Senior Living Associates have been committed to creating a vibrant culture and delivering exceptional services, making Brightview a great place to work and live. If you're looking for a rewarding opportunity to serve your local community and grow, we want you to join our team.

Brightview Senior Living is growing and actively seeking vibrant associates to join our community teams, including directors, healthcare, activities, hospitality, and dining. Apply today at careers.brightviewseniorliving.com. Equal employment opportunities. Text BVJOBS to 97211 to apply.

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