Another Lonely Bachelorette
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Hey guys, it's your other host for I Do Part Two, Jana Kramer. I'm jumping in. I loved hearing Elizabeth's story. I'm so excited for her. But we have someone else that we're going to have on. She's a listener of I Do Part Two, and she's actually really good friends with Elizabeth. So I'm really excited to get her on. But first, I want to play you Rebecca's voice memo that she sent in to be on the show. Let's give it a listen.

Hi, my name is Rebecca. I listened to your podcast and I would be interested in participating. Thank you. I mean, hey, short and sweet. And she just is like ready to get into it. So let's do it. Let's get Rebecca on and let's help her find some love.

Hey, how are you? I'm good. I'm so happy to be talking to you. We just listened to your voice memo and I loved it because it was like, Hey, I listened to the show. I want to be on like, let's do this. It was just very to the point, very like very direct. And I'm here for that. So we had the first part of the show. We had your girlfriend, Elizabeth on and

And obviously she was from The Bachelor too. And then I was reading your stuff and you were also on The Bachelor. You were on Brad's season. How did you guys meet? Because you were on different seasons.

So after you get off the show, you're part of this like crazy bachelor family, right? And you get invited to all the events. And so I was invited to a charity event and it was like a clean up the beach in Venice kind of a thing. And so we were both at that same event together. Okay. And then it was just like fast friends or...

Yeah, well, I actually saw Elizabeth walking down the beach and I was like, oh, gosh, not this girl. She was like so catty on the show and she just was portrayed really bad.

And she knows this. I've told her this. And I was like, oh, don't pair me with her. And then we were paired together. But she's amazing. She's not who they portrayed on the show. And she's such a sweetheart. We've been best friends for 14 years. We've literally been through everything together. So it's been amazing to have her in my life. I'm so glad we were paired together. Right? I know. It's interesting. God's little interventions. Yeah.

Um, so you, you got sent home the first night. Is that what I read on Brad's? I did. What? Okay. What was that like? What, what was that feeling like? And then also, why do you think you were sent home on the first night? Is there something where, is this, is this a thing in your dating world where you're like, maybe I didn't put forth more effort or what do you think it was? So, um,

Going on the first night is a little deflating because you there's so much work up to it that you spend months talking to producers and just like them prepping you and getting you ready for the show. And then you get there and it's night one. You're so excited meeting all the girls like everyone was super nice.

I really wanted to stay for that. I liked the friendship that I was building. I wasn't looking to be on a reality TV show. I just felt like this was God's funny plan to like introduce me to my husband, like, okay, cool. I'm going to go on some show.

And I feel like maybe I wasn't reality TV enough for them. Like the producers kind of wanted me to do a little bit more like chasing around. I was the first person in Bachelor history to kiss the guy right out of the limo.

and I feel like it was then like, okay, now I want you to go find him and kiss him again. I'm like, that's not me. Like, I want to be authentic to who I am and not put on a, you know, a show. So kind of feel like that's why I went home because I wasn't kind of doing what they wanted me to do. But yeah,

It was a fun experience. All right. So post-Bachelor then, you ended up... How long were you married for with your husband? I was with my ex for seven... Well, we were married for seven years. Seven years. Okay. When I was reading your breakdown, I was just like, I relate so much to your story because it said...

you know, um, was you were set up with your ex-husband right after the bachelor that dated for a little over a year. Then you broke up. I'm curious. And then you found out you're pregnant. So then you guys reconciled what, why did you guys break up in the beginning? Um, I just had this intuition. I just felt like he was cheating on me and there was a lot of lies. The relationship was super dysfunctional, but I was so lost. I didn't,

I was broke down. My self-esteem was completely gone. I felt like this is the best I can do. I'm 30 years old. I want to be married and have kids and this is what's out there. So, you know, um,

And I finally listened to my gut and said, I'm out. I can't do this anymore. This is not right. And I felt like this overwhelming peace and relief when it was done. And then I found out two days later that I was pregnant and I was like, Oh gosh, what do I do now?

This is, I mean, truly the same kind of story too. I was 30. I really wanted to have kids. And so it was that, but I had just found out that he cheated on me and we were only date, we only dated for gosh, like a month before I found out that he cheated on me the first time. And if that wasn't the biggest red flag ever, but I really, truly, I was like, well, I'm 30. I really want to have kids. And I, you know, people make mistakes and,

Lord, I've made a million. And so I tried to kind of talk my way, um,

through his stuff. But then, same with you, you said married for seven years, ex-husband had 10 plus affairs. And I was just like, oh my gosh, I'm like, am I reading my own story? Because I mean, what I know of in the first one was 13 in the first year of our marriage. So then women after that were, I think I know of like five or six more, but I mean-

When there's 15, you know...

You know, it's like, but for you, when, when was the first time that you caught him in an affair or did he tell you like, what was that like? No, I, um, it was, he had actually just come back. He's a fireman. He plays bagpipes and he was at a bagpipe event for several days and then came home. And that night his phone was laying on his chest and it was lit up in the middle of the night. I went, I got up, we had a, uh, gosh, Brinley was.

six weeks old, still sleeping in our room and a bouncy thing on the floor. And he picked his phone up and put it on the nightstand and saw missed texts from Kyle. And I was like, okay, cool. Who's Kyle went to the bathroom, came back and just this gut feeling like, go look at his phone. And I'd never felt that way before. I would have never in a million years thought he would cheat.

And so I picked up the phone and took it downstairs and it happened to be unlocked, which was never like he always had a lock, like a password on it. I was able to find several different women that he had been texting extremely inappropriate things while he's laying in bed next to me. I confronted him that night about it. And how many years into the marriage was that? This was...

A year, one year. I got pregnant just after we got married to our second, with our second child and she was six weeks. So it had just been a year or just under just barely shy of a year, but he swore it was never in person. It was only text messages. It would never happen again. So I kind of just kept this dirty little secret and lies, lies, lies, lies, lies.

And then a year later, he took me to a mountaintop and like confessed that he had lied and he had been seeing these women. And I basically did a tell all like you have a one day get out of jail free card. I need to know everything. This goes up anything for tomorrow or I'm gone. And I just sat there counting like, oh, my gosh, how many more are there? Like, this is insane. So there was 10 he admitted to that day.

And then I stayed for five years trying to fix the marriage because, of course, if I could be perfect and I could be good enough and I could have the cleanest house and the best kids and be in the best shape and all the things, he would love me. Right. He would choose me. I always chose him.

Um, and I found again, women on his phone five years later. And that was, I mean, I can't continue in that cycle. So he actually, a mutual friend of ours recently asked him like, Hey man, you know, Rebecca says you've been cheating or you cheated on her. And that's why she left. And he was like, Oh gosh, I lost track of how many people I cheated on her with. Like it was something to brag about.

Wow. I feel like it's one extreme or the other. I remember my ex when I did my table talk with Jada Pinkett Smith.

the girl he was dating at the time. He's like, Oh, 13 women. I'd love to know who those were. And I'm like, so it's like, they either lie. I'm like, Oh, Oh, would you like to go back? Cause I can pull up the Rolodex. I called all of them. Um, yeah, it's kind of on the phone or, you know, or they just, yeah. I'm like, what is that? Like, why is that? It's not, it's not a bragging right, dude. You know, like that's not something to brag about.

Totally. I didn't. And I actually told our friend, like, you can ask him if you really want to. I go, but he's not going to. Why would he admit that? Would you admit that it makes you look bad? And then that he bragged about it. I was like, wow. Okay. I guess he's admitting it. Yeah.

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Did he ever come out to say that he was a sex addict or he had a problem or what was his excuse, I guess, or what was his rationalization with it all? Yeah. So after he admitted to the affairs, he started going to a sex addict therapist and he had all these things in place he was going to.

go to therapy and go to recovery and go to, he was, you know, we joined like a life group with our church and he was all in just going to be the best husband ever and deal with his past. And a lot of it's, you know, blamed on the upbringing and daddy issues and things like that. So it was never like, he never really took, I guess, like blame for it. It was always someone else's fault as to why he,

that was happening, why he was making those choices. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Cause I mean, it is, it is the worst, worst pain possible, especially since you have, you know, two beautiful daughters and, um,

I definitely get, it's so hard. And for the longest time I stayed for my kids and then realizing the last time I found out about the next round of affairs was my, again, breaking point. Because after a while you're like, all right, this is a seven year cycle. He's not changing. Yeah. His words are just now, I don't believe anything he says. Because every time it just keeps happening again and again. And you wonder,

You know, I still, there were times when I'm like, maybe this time is the time he's going to change. Maybe like he finally realized it, but then you just come to that. I don't actually even care if he does because I can't stick around to find out. Yep.

And for you, you know, now that you've been single for how many years? Two years? I've been single for four. Our divorce has been final for two, but I left four years ago. Okay. Have you been in serious relationships since your divorce? I would say...

one, maybe semi-serious relationship. It didn't last long, but, um, we were friends for like six months prior to actually getting into the relationship. And so, um, the feelings came on pretty, pretty quickly since we had known each other for so long, but just the one. And where are you at now with love? Do you, do you want to find love? Do you want to get married again? You know, where, where are you at with that?

Yeah, I do. Actually, I believe in marriage. I think that there are good people out there. I don't believe everyone is my ex. I've been through a lot. I did. Gosh.

Three or four years of trauma therapy. I did EMDR to just work through triggers and all of that. I everything I so I finally feel like I'm like a whole complete person. I feel like in the beginning, I didn't want to jump into something because I didn't want to bring my past into my current relationship. But yeah.

Yeah, I just I struggle with believing that I'm picking the right person. I was so tricked the first time. And I don't I mean, I just don't trust that I'm going to pick someone who's not going to completely love bomb me. And then I'm going to find out, you know, when it's too late that, oh, wait, this isn't who I thought he was. Yeah, I mean, it definitely is really hard to trust yourself post-traumatic.

I mean, I kind of fell into that same thing where after I got divorced, I essentially picked the kind of the same dude after my divorce. Yeah.

And then, you know, what my therapist always said though is, you know, in that situation, I go, God, I failed again. I picked someone that was so similar and it was not who he said he was. And she goes, but you figured it out sooner this time. You know, you're not seven years in. She's like, you were a couple of months in. And she's like, and you were able to see the red flags and you were able to get out. She's like, that is in itself failure.

you know, victory, right? And like you're, that right there proves that you can trust yourself a little bit. And then you can trust yourself more than every time you do it. And I think, I have a girlfriend right now that's also, you know, she's newly divorced and she's dating. And it's almost just like I told her, I said, go out and just meet as many people, take inventory of it all, you know, like see what you actually want. Cause when she was in a long marriage for a long time and

She's like the guys, what I've noticed too, and what you've probably can see with your ex now is like, they showed you who they were all along. It was just up to us to, to really go, okay, this is, this is who they are. Not what those smoke clouds of who they were making them up to be.

Yeah, I believe what they show you and not what they say. Yeah, well, and that's like how I think with trust. Everyone's like, how do you trust your husband now? And I'm like, for me, it's he says what he like he he he does what he says and he says what he does. You know, like he's his words and his actions match every single day.

And that to me is how I can trust, you know, my husband now, because before my ex-husband, there was his words and actions never aligned ever, which is why I was like, but, and then I was made to feel like the crazy one. I'm like, but you said this, you're doing like, how, like, how does this make sense?

Yeah. Cause I never, it's just like crazy making and then they make us feel crazy. Yeah. Like, no, I didn't say that. I said this and that's not how this happened. Sometimes I just wanted like cameras on the walls. Like, you know, I want to play back the film. That's not what you said. This is not how this went down. Why do I feel like a crazy person? Did I say that? You start to like question your own sanity. In the world of dating now, are you, are

Are you on apps? Like, what are you doing to get out there to date? No, I did the apps. I hate the apps. They're awful. Yeah. I feel like, I don't know. It's like a diamond in a rough, you know, it's so hard to find apps.

someone who genuinely wants to be in a relationship and it's more of like a hookup culture on the apps or ghosting. Like you start talking to someone all of a sudden, you're like, where did you go? I thought we were having a really good conversation. Now you're gone. Um, so I got off the apps about eight, nine months ago and I don't know, like, where do you meet people? Like I always say, I want to meet someone in the wild. Like,

The grocery store, like I feel like in my 20s, people would approach you, like, you know, at the bars or when you're just out doing life. And I go out by myself all the time. Like I, when I don't have my kids, I can't just stay cooped up in the house. And so I'll go out to a bar or restaurant and have dinner and sit by myself and nobody. Oh, I love that. Really? Nobody ever. That doesn't matter.

I really find that hard to believe because you're, you're beautiful. And the fact that you're going out there too, it shows you have confidence to go sit there and have, you know, dinner by yourself. And are you the kind of person that will approach somebody else? I don't sort of like, so like I encourage my friends to, when we're out, I'm like, Oh, you see a cute guy, go talk to him. But then I have this like old school mentality. I want to be pursued. Like I want someone to have the confidence to come up to me and to like, just boldly be like, Hey,

let's talk, let's go hang out, let's have dinner together or something. So I don't know if that feels like pursuing someone else. If I'm like, Hey, let's talk. Well, here's an interesting thought because you live in California, right? Okay. Well, I'm going to be in California for the I Heart Jingle Ball Fest. So is your friend Elizabeth. And so is my friend Kelly Benzema.

So would you want to come actually let's get, can we get Kelly on and then maybe we can entice you to come to jingle ball with us and then we can try to set you up with someone. Does that sound like a plan? Let's let's get Kelly on Kelly. Whenever I feel like whenever I find someone that has been, that has the similar past, like I've had with the cheating ex-husband for multiple, multiple, multiple years and multiple women, I have this like ride or die experience.

vibe that I'm like, I want to just go out and find, help find you love because I feel like I got lucky with my aftermath of that terrible traumatic years of my life that I'm like, Kelly, can we got to help my girl Rebecca out? Hi, Rebecca. How are you?

Should we all go to Jingle Ball and then just pimp out our girl Rebecca and just see what she's doing wrong? Help her. Because I am like world's best wing woman. Oh my God, me too. I am like there for you. I'm so excited. Wait, but Kelly, you're also single though. So I'm like, I'm going to have to like, we're going to have to like, you know. We'll have to find two guys. Two dudes. Three. Three.

Elizabeth will be there. We need three good guys. Yes, Rebecca, it's going to be so much fun. We're going to have the best time. And you know what? You know what the thing is, too, is like when you're in a good mood with with fun with friends that you really like, then you meet like really great people. So I'm super excited to hang out with you and we're going to have the best time. Rebecca, are you in? Absolutely.

I'm in. Let's do it. Oh my gosh, I love this so much. It's another opportunity to put yourself in a place where you might not have gone. And then the fact that, you know, all those girls will be there. So we'll be definitely rooting you on.

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Like I said, nervous about the red flags, like just not seeing something and somebody kind of getting stuck in that, like moving too fast. Because when you really like someone, you know, like it tends to go quickly, but I don't want I don't want to like rush into the next relationship. But I also don't want to like.

put my last relationship like in the forefront of my new one right I don't want to hold that against the next person where like they do something and then I'm comparing it to my last relationship do they do you ever get to the point where you're not just like looking for red flags the entire time you're dating somebody hmm I mean yeah I was looking like for the first couple probably I mean mine only lasted for the first couple months I feel like I moved I

Maybe only like the first month I was like trying to figure out the red flags. But when I wasn't finding any and I'm like, all right, I'm jumping all like head in. Cause I feel like everyone's or feet first, but everyone always says, well, don't go too fast. Don't go too fast. But I also know people that have met someone and fast and then they have the most amazing marriage years, years in. So yeah, I jumped in fast with my ex too, but it was so different from my now husband. Yeah. Yeah.

There was like that confidence. He felt peace that like he was actually, that he was. Yeah. I mean, I agree. I agree too. Like right now, like you and I, Rebecca are in the same kind of headspace and, you know, I just am like open to meeting new people and, um,

I haven't really like thought about, you know, I'm not trying to put any like boundaries or parameters on anyone. I'm just trying to be like, okay, I'm really interested and I want to know more about you. And my friends are saying to me, you have to ask questions. So I'm not a question asker. I am a, just like hang out with you, kind of feel who you are, but I'm not like

Why did you guys get divorced? What was your last marriage like? You know, I'm just not like that. Oh my God. I am so that person. I'm like, why? What happened? What did you, did you cheat? Did you do that? Like, I'm like, I have to know every, and that's probably, that's like maybe my toxic trait. I don't know. But I just like, let's get to it because I don't want to waste my time. I've got two kids at home. Like I'm not wasting, I'm not wasting any time. Yeah. How,

How soon do you introduce your kids? I feel like when you have feelings for someone, I don't want to fall in love with someone and then introduce them to my kids and my kids and that person don't jive. And I'm like, sorry, see ya. What do you do with that? I kind of always did the three-month rule. I don't know if that was. And so I only introduced them to an ex and then my now husband. But I was, yeah, three months is kind of what I was. But it...

what my ex and I kind of agreed to, but it's more, it's hard because when you're in your forties, I feel like things just move faster anyways, at least for me it did.

Because it's like you just cut the bullshit and you go straight to, all right, what does this look like? And because you have to be, I feel like you have to cut the bullshit when you've got kids. Yeah. Yeah. Dating with a purpose. I'm not just dating for fun. Like I'm dating intentionally to meet someone long term. We're not on Tinder. You know what I mean? Yeah. So-

I mean, my kids are so much older. They're, you know, 24 and 26. And so they're the ones that when we're out, they're like, mommy, he's good looking. Mommy, he looks like something that you would like. And so it's weird because like they're with me. And I'm like, no, no, you're not supposed to be like out here with me in the jungle. You guys are supposed to be like forging your own path, like leave me alone. But it's been really sweet.

um, to see them, but when they were younger, like, you know, I mean, I, you know, work with a lot of different men and people and, you know, they never even thought for one minute, like if I was dating someone unless until like, they came to like dinner, like we would have like a dinner and they'd be like, Oh, like, you know, we just want to all have fun. And, um, but I never like made like an actual introduction until, um, you know, I was, I was, you know,

consider really considering being with them and I and you know even with my last relationship you know he had kids and I just was like hold off on the kids let's you know I'm not you know Barbie let's just keep everything like you know I'm not the fun friend over here like all the kids you know when they're younger they're like oh is she our babysitter I'm like no no I'm not the babysitter she's a babysitter

One guy went on a date with for Halloween and I was bam, bam. And his little daughter was like, my babysitter's here. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not the babysitter. So that brings another question. Like, so everyone parents so differently. Like I did this guy. So the, the guy that I was in a relationship with, like we parented very different. It's like, when is it okay to like, or is it okay to like step in and be like, Hey,

something's got to change here. Like in order to mingle two families together, right. In order to have like, he has kids, I have kids and we're going to parent and be married. Like, when do you start like disciplining someone else's kids or having a say in how they parent? Or, I mean, both ways. I'm not a perfect parent. None of us are perfect. I'm not a perfect parent. We're winging it, but like, why do you get involved? I feel like my, my husband did a good job.

a good job with that where he, it took him, I mean, he's just now is, is cause because I've asked him to, cause I'm like, I can't always be, cause the kids are with me 70% of the time with us 70% of the time. So they're only at their dad's like eight days a month. And so, and so it's like, for us, it's like, I'm like, I can't be the only person that is disciplining the kids because I,

then they're not going to even want to be here. Because if I'm always like, guys, guys, guys, and riding them all the time. So I was like, Alan, I really need you to step in. And like when you hear Jolie or Jace, you know, start to mouth off or do something and they're really good kids. So it's not like that a lot, but still I'm like, I need like, I need that support so that I'm not the only parent doing that. And so he's like, yeah, now that, you know, we're married and, you know, but it's not, I, I, a mom still has that like,

At the end of the day, we're still the ones that are like, guys, stop it or let's go or, you know, but I think it's just in time, you'll know and they'll know and you'll know when the right time is to be like, hey, that doesn't fly here or we don't do that. So I think it's, I don't think there's like a time per se, but I think it's just more of like a,

I don't think it's, I don't think the guy should come right in and start disciplining the second they move into the house or start being around your kids. You know, obviously that wouldn't be cool because then they're not going to like the guy. But I,

I think it's just, it's a gradual thing. I guess like when my kids were younger, you know, we all, just to give them a framework, I used to like always say like, Ben Simmons have rules. We do set things in a certain way. And so then my kids would then say, Ben Simmons have rules. This is what we do. So it was interesting because like, it was the different dynamic. My kids were saying, this is how we do things. This is our framework. Basically, like you either come on board with us

Or we're not going to listen to you. I guess they're like, Jen, you have to meet my kids. I mean, oh my God, Rebecca too. Oh my God. I can't wait for you to meet them. They're such great kids, but I've been so lucky that they were so just solid, just very, especially living in New York. I mean, I think that raising kids in New York is just like very, very difficult. And I was just really proud to raise them and to have them be who they are. But you know, they,

I kept instilling in them, like, Ben Simmons have rules. And I would say that around my ex's kids, like, Ben Simmons have rules, and this is what we do, and this is how we do things. That's not, like, their rules. That's, like, here's our framework. If you guys want to come and play in our sandbox, like, this is what we do. So that's kind of what I did. But I think it's always, like, just that, like,

You don't know until you're in it. Do you know what I mean? Like you might feel really loving. You might be like, oh my God, this person needs, you know, like,

you know, we're nurturing and we want, you know, the best for the kids. And, but sometimes, you know, the fathers, they really do know. I mean, sometimes they're really good about parenting kids. And sometimes they're like, oh, these are the rules. I'm like, you don't even have kids. You don't know the rules. You don't know what you're talking about. All right. Just enjoy it. Just enjoy the family and have fun and like eat the cookies and go home. Yeah. And I think, you know, to not get ahead of ourselves either, where it's like, let's just,

not baby step it in, but let's just, you know, the first step is getting you to I heart jingle ball. And then after that, it's finding, connecting you with someone that a deserves your love and that is worthy of your love. And that will protect your heart and all this, because, you know, like you said, and I agree too, not every, not every man is like our ex. And so, you know, that's the mission is to go, to go, you know, find, find,

to find the love that we all deserve because they are out there. And maybe we just, you know, we were looking at

the signs and we didn't really pay attention to them as we should, but now we are paying attention. And, you know, I think that's, what's important now is we have a better set of eyes on things. And we're, you and I are in it together, Rebecca. So it's like, anytime that you're like, oh my God, that reminds me of something like I'm here for you. So, you know, we can talk about, talk about, talk through, but

I'm going to be a good sounding board for you because we're on the same level and we're both going through it together. So I'm going to need you too. I'm going to be like, wait a minute, what do we do here? What happened? Well, it's going to be...

So, so fun. So along with your friend, Elizabeth, Rebecca, you are going to join us at our Jingle Ball concert in Los Angeles, Friday, December 6th, presented by Capital One. You gals are going to come out with Kelly Benzema and our other celebrity mentors who are going to really see if you've got the skills and what you need to flirt and maybe make a love connection at the show. You never know. It's going to be a fun night and you're going to get some great tips and confidence to take with you into the dating scene. Our mentors are going to help you with that

flirting since you admit you're not really good at that. So get ready, Rebecca. We're coming for you and we're coming to LA to come scoop you up and take you to I Heart Jingle Ball. Awesome. Thank you guys. All right. We'll see you soon. Okay. Bye. And my husband can help us also be a wingman, you know, so he can, he, he's got a really good eye for, for, you know, the bad ones. So perfect. You can tell me all the people not to talk to. Perfect.

Okay. All right. Awesome. Bye guys. This podcast is all about you guys, the listeners who are ready to put yourselves out there. So if you want dating advice or you're ready to find love again, that's what we're here for. We want to get to know you. Call us 1-844-4IDOPOD or email us at idopod at iheartradio.com. Follow us on Instagram and TikTok at idopart2pod.

All this information will be in the show notes. Make sure to rate and review the podcast. I do part two and I heart radio podcast. We're falling in love is the main objective. Am I doing the right thing with my finances? Am I saving enough? Can I buy a house? Am I paying too much in taxes? Will I be able to retire? Putting a financial plan together feels impossible. What if I told you there was another way? Take facets free financial wellness quiz to get your score and a snapshot of your current financial health. Visit facets.com.

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