S3 Ep5: You Can't Fight with Heiress Tongue with Matt Bellassai
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Before we get going today, I wanted to tell you about another Radiotopia podcast you should be listening to, Song Exploder. Song Exploder is an award-winning show about the creative process behind music. Artists break down one of their songs, letting you hear all the different layers in the recording, from instruments to beats to vocals. And most importantly, they talk about why they made the creative choices they did. Song Exploder is not just for music nerds. It's for anybody who cares about creativity or wants to feel inspired to create something.

It's hosted by Rishi Keshe Hiraway, who you might know from the podcast Home Cooking or the West Wing Weekly. The episodes are short, about 20 minutes each, and my recommendation is to start with an episode featuring an artist you love. And then listen to one with an artist you don't know at all. There are over 250 episodes with guests like Fleetwood Mac, Madonna, Solange, Beats,

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Find your favorite episode of Song Exploder and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or at songexploder.net. This is truly some like Greek mythology shit. This is like biblical, the way that you just, she's flying too close to the sun. She is tempting fate. We know it's going to end in disaster. ♪

Hi, and welcome to Normal Gossip. I'm Kelsey McKinney. In each episode of this podcast, we're going to bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world. This week, I have with me Matt Bellassai. He's an American comedian and writer. He hosts the Unhappy Hour podcast, and he hosts...

weekly web wound up on AMP about internet news of the week. He formerly starred in BuzzFeed's web series, Whine About It, and he's the author of Everything is Awful and Other Observations. Matt, welcome. Oh my god, thank you so much. When I tell you this has been a shining beacon on my calendar that I've been looking forward to, you have no idea. Oh my god, thank you. That's such a compliment. How are you doing? How's your day going?

It's great. I mean, it's getting much better. I just got a puppy last week. I'm saying this in every meeting that I have and any interview I do. I have to mention the puppy legally. It's the first two weeks. That's important. You have to talk about the puppy. Everybody wants to know. Yeah. So she is in the room. Her name is Truffles. She is chewing on something. So if you hear any sort of latent, you know, chomp chomp, that is it. Yeah.

But I'm trying to keep her occupied and busy so she doesn't piss people off. So if your computer just completely dies at any point, I'll assume it was truffles. She chomped into the electrical outlet. And yeah. Great. I just, yeah, I'm in that mode where I'm like, any move that she makes is potentially fatal. And that is on me. Because now it's not a fish. You know, if she dies, it's just like a news item. Yeah. Yeah.

To go into our classic questioning, what is your relationship with gossip like? What if I was like, I hate, I don't believe in gossip at all. I've been waiting, honestly, for somebody to come on here and be like, I think it's immoral and a sin. Yeah, actually, Jesus said, thou shalt not talk shit. And so, no, obviously, I think of that Jenna Maroney quote all the time that's like, drama is gay man Gatorade. It replenishes our electrolytes. Yeah.

I thrive on gossip. I quit my office job in 2016. So it's been six years that I haven't had an office job. And the biggest thing that I miss about working at an office is office gossip. I'm like, there's a hole in my heart that is not being filled. You are satisfying an itch that has been bugging me for the past six years. Yeah.

What is it about office gossip that makes it so seductive to you? Probably just the fact that there is...

The kind of day-to-day mundaneness of office life, I mean, you have to make it exciting in some way. And I worked at BuzzFeed, which was, you know, and still is an incredibly, like, young workplace. It was basically just, like, an extended college. Like, everybody was just out of college. And there were literally, it was like...

It was like, who threw up in the kitchen after work drinks the one time? Still don't know. Like, there was a condom found in the middle of the office. Where did that come from? We have to triangulate the desks that it was found in between. It got steamy. If you worked at BuzzFeed in, what, 2014 and know the answers to these questions, I would like to know them. So please...

Honestly, yeah. Please let us know who vomited in the kitchen. Me too. That is, it remains a part of BuzzFeed lore and mystery is who vomited in the kitchen. The trajectory of the vomit suggests that it was someone running towards the women's bathroom. Okay. So we can narrow it down to at least half of the office, perhaps, but who knows? Yeah. You know, maybe someone was trying to throw off the scent.

So I also started working for myself in 2016. And I always said, you know, I'm way more productive at home. And people were like, oh, is it because like, you have your own space? And I was like, no, it's because I'm not distracted all the time. Because in the office, I was just like, what are they talking about? What are they doing? Like, what is that meeting for? So I think I understand.

I am the opposite. I am the opposite. You know, whatever that like psychology thing that it's like you need to you need to take a shower, wash dishes, do something where your brain is like distracted. And that's when you do your best thinking. That is what gossip is to me. I'm like, I need to be talking shit with someone and that frees up my brain to be productive. And in the absence of that, I'm not doing anything.

Wait, so like you're working while you're gossiping or there's something about gossiping that like allows your brain to journey? Yeah, like I need that break during the day where I'm walking over to someone's desk and being like, what is happening around here? What's the latest? So that I can go back to my desk and have that clarity. Yeah.

You said that we had filled that gap for you, which is very kind, but there was a nice, I don't know, five-year period of time between you leaving an office and this podcast premiering. What did you do then?

I suffered. Cry? Yeah. I did join... I joined a gay kickball league, which is embarrassing to admit. I'll be the first to say it. But I would say it is about 10% about the actual playing of kickball, 10% about drinking alcohol, and then 80% just pure gossip. I mean, the first year that I joined...

There was a team of like 15 days and at least one engagement was ruined over the course of like a nine week season. Yeah.

Well, we played a children's game outside as fully grown adults. But it was like, who is leaving the after drinks? Like, who is leaving with who? I saw these two leave five minutes apart and they turned down the same street. What is happening? Yeah. The reason I'm making this face that I'm making right now is because I have never felt like more of a genius in my entire life. Because guess what today's gossip is about?

Oh, my God. Is it about a ruined engagement for gay kickball? It's about gay kickball. I did not know that you played. So this is I'm like, wow, that is amazing. This is fate. It's that's beautiful to me. Yeah, that's good. Because you'll know the rules of kickball. You can explain. Well, I wouldn't go that far. Okay, we'll come back to that.

I want to go back to like, you've talked about work gossip, but how does gossip work in your life? Like interpersonally? Are you the one in the group that people bring gossip to? Are you the one providing gossip? I would say, uh,

I like to be on the periphery a little bit and then I can go into a group and be like, listen, I have no stakes in this. You can tell shit to me. That is why I like, you know, my friends who do have office jobs. I'm like, you need to fill me in on what's happening because I'm not invested. Like, nobody cares if I know everything because who am I going to tell?

Yeah. And so I do like that does satisfy the itch a little bit. So yeah, I like to be a receiver. I don't think you just use that as the pull quote. Yeah, I wouldn't say I spread gossip too much, but I do like to be a receptacle of gossip. That's beautiful to me. Yeah.

Both of my transition questions were, have you ever played rec sports? And have you ever played in a queer league? So we've been over that. Do you want to tell me what your job on the kickball team was? Like, which kind of player you were? So I am based in Brooklyn, joined this gay kickball league in New York. I think there are only like two major gay kickball leagues in New York. And so in any

The way that it works is like you don't come in with a team. You just sign up yourself and they randomly assign you to a team. So everything is very fair. And then it sort of just depends on your team and like whether your captain gives a shit. A because some of the teams, they're just like, fuck it. Anybody can do anything.

Yes. And so my team, unfortunately, was pretty good, which raised the stakes for me because I was like, fuck, now I have to like try or else I am the weak link. Yeah. And you probably picked kickball because it's like the lowest stakes of all the gay sports. It's like playing softball can be...

very intense. Well, yeah. Also, I went into the first game thinking like, there's no way all of these gays are here to actually play kickball. Like, this is a joke, right? We're all here to drink. You stereotyped the wrong way. I know. I truly underestimated the amount of like daddy issues people had to take out on a kickball.

Because these men were not playing around. I was like, can we like people are getting in fights. They're yelling at the ref. I also like doing cocaine afterwards. I'm like, yeah, this is a children's game. It's a Monday night. We need to calm down. Don't you have jobs? It's always a weeknight. It's always like, oh, yeah, we're going to this bar and then we're going to this person's house. And I'm like, it's Tuesday. Yeah.

Like, I'm sleepy. Right. I know. I later learned that there are weeknight leagues and then there's like a weekend league. And the like Saturday one is just a mess. Nobody is actually there. That's the party day where everybody goes to like bottomless brunch beforehand. Yeah. So that was your mistake. Yeah. I should have joined the Saturday one.

All right, Matt, should we get into our gossip tale for the day? I am so I'm more excited than I was before. And I was already saying.

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Hosted by Maria Garcia, this is My Devo, an Apple original podcast produced by Futuro Studios. Follow and listen on Apple Podcasts. Today's story takes place several years ago in a big metropolitan area. It's one of those cities where there's a huge highway that is a loop around the city that everyone is like always complaining about traffic on. It's the kind of city where you could go weeks without running into someone you know.

Except that it's not a coastal city and our friend of a friend's friend, Lucy, we'll call her Lucy, is a lesbian. The queer community in this city is not big.

So at 25, Lucy is like already starting to feel a little claustrophobic. She's like, I've dated half the women in my friend group. I feel like I've met every single queer person in this whole Metroplex. I'm like starting to daydream about moving, right? She's like, maybe a new city would give me new opportunities to fall in love. That's your first mistake. Yeah.

Why is that a mistake? We have already run into a problem. I feel like every queer person has this moment where you're like, I'm going to pick up and go somewhere else. And then you plant roots somewhere. And it's, I mean, I don't want to give the wrong impression. And, you know, it gets better, blah, blah, blah. But also, it doesn't, actually. Sometimes.

Sometimes it stays exactly the same. It's mostly like, yeah, other gay people can be horrible in other places, too.

Yeah, moving to Berlin won't solve all your problems, no matter what you think. Right. I also I don't know how every every episode you don't go into like a crisis trying to figure out what the city I'm like putting on my Sherlock Holmes hat. This has got to be Houston, right? Just just set your hat off to the side. Don't think about it. It's fine. Fine. Fine.

Okay, Lucy, our friend of a friend's friend has an office job. Graphic design is like truly her passion, but she didn't like think she was going to do it for a big company. It's fine. She's bored at work, whatever. She's like doing that thing where you Google like lesbian bars East Coast at your desk to try and figure out like what city you could move to. Yeah, personally, I've never done that. But I do appreciate impulse.

So she's doing this when Rory walks in. Rory is tiny. She's very short, but she also has bones like a little bird. She always wears her hair and like a single braid down her back. And Lucy like takes one look at this girl and is like gay, which is to say that Rory has a septum ring. Obviously. Yeah, sure, sure, sure. What is your strategy for making a new friend at work?

What do you think she should do? I am the wrong person to ask about that. Because my strategy at the office was like, just say the weirdest shit possible and like see who laughs at it. And then I know, okay, that we're on the same wavelength. But you know, that could go both ways. I think that's a good strategy. Yeah, sure. Okay. Okay. You went with it. So yeah. No, I don't. Yeah. I'm going to double down on that.

You know, you make a death joke, you find out who doesn't have mental illness, then you're done. Drop your Lexapro and be like, oh no. Whose is this?

Okay, that's not Lucy's strategy because Lucy immediately on site is like, I have a crush on this girl, right? She's my type. I like her. She's like, what I'll do is I'll ask her to lunch, right? We'll get like a little work lunch and then I can get to know her. I can feel out if I like her personality. I can begin to like create a mystique around our relationship, right?

Yeah. Before she can do this, Rory arrives at her cubicle. She sneaks up behind Lucy and Lucy like jumps because she's like so surprised to see her. And Rory's like, I'm so sorry, but I'm just coming over here to ask you something. You look really athletic. And Lucy is like, she loves me. We're soulmates. Wow.

But instead, she's like, thank you so much. And Rory's like, oh, I'm sorry. That is a little bit of a weird thing for me to say at work. Let me try again. And she goes on to explain that she is trying to recruit Lucy to come and play recreational sports.

This is the evangelizing that some of these leagues do. This is not the first time in the past week that I have heard of someone who has been approached in public and in an attempt to recruit them to a queer sports league.

Well, if you want to win, you need good players. That's just how it works. I'm offended as someone who sought out a sports league and was not recruited from the street. Have you considered just bringing a kickball to the park and seeing if you can get recruited?

No, but then it's not good enough. I want to be like our friend of a friend of a friend. And I need to be just sitting, sitting there with my like quads out. So then I can be like, oh, oh, my hamstrings. I do squat. Thank you for asking.

Okay, some context here that's important is Lucy is athletic, right? Like she didn't play D1 or anything, but she played volleyball in high school. She's like generally good at sports. But the big accidental caveat here that we need is that while Rory is explaining that like her rec team is playing soccer right now in a queer league in the spring and they need a sub, she's like,

we need to recruit people to play for the soccer league and for softball in the summer. My partner, Jada, is the captain, so she'd have to see you play, but I think you'd be a good fit and then we could hang out. I can only sigh. This just seems... It's a recipe for disappointment. It's just... She needs to put her plans to get out of this city on a fast track and move to the East Coast immediately. Yeah.

So you don't think that she should go try to be on the rec team with her work wife who is now broken her heart and her work wife's partner Jada. Yeah.

As the sort of, you know, because we're sitting here in front of a microphone playing God, because that is what you're doing. It's fun. Yeah, I'm here for it. Of course, I'd be like, no, get out. If I'm her in this situation, I am. Yeah, my blinders are on the red flags.

I'm wearing those 3D glasses that make all red flags look like gray flags. I'm like, yeah, no, it's totally fine. I'll totally audition for your girlfriend in order to get closer to you. Lucy is also like,

It's exercise. I'm kind of like sick of my group of friends, right? Like, even though it's not ideal, there are upsides, right? Lucy does her little tryout for Rory's partner Jada. And Jada is like true head bitch and charge energy, right? Like she has a clipboard. She has a lineup. She like texts everyone. She's like reserving fields for practice, right? Like probably an earth sign. Sure.

Sure. At first, Lucy is like afraid of Jada. But after the first game, she like subbed in in the soccer game and Jada like passed her a perfect ball. Lucy was like, actually, I think we're cool. I think this person can be my friend too. Okay. So Lucy helps this team finish up their soccer season. Of the 12 teams in the league, they finished 11th.

Oh. Okay. So it turns out that Miss Head Bitch in Charge is not actually wrangling the girls here. After the season ended, Jada and Rory invite Lucy over for dinner. Like, they're like, we really like you. Do you want to come to our place for dinner? Do you go? Once again, my advice would be

Do not go. But if I'm in her shoes, yeah, I'm picking out my best outfit. I'm, you know, putting on my best perfume. And I'm going in with the expectation that like they're going to say, we've actually sat down and decided we are in love with you and we would like you to move in with us.

Yeah, exactly. Okay, so this is what Lucy does. She puts on her fancy little outfit and her great perfume. And she shows up and Rory answers the door and she's like wearing a giant linen shirt and bike shorts underneath and she's like backlit. She like looks like an angel. Lucy's like has to throw the bottle of wine that she brought at her to keep herself from like trying to hug her new friend.

Right. The dinner, it's beautiful. Rory made a roast chicken. Jada puts on like Brandy Carlile on vinyl. There are candles everywhere.

One of Jada's sisters is there and the four of them have this like lovely, beautiful time. The light is like made of gold, air smelling like amber and chicken. Right. The fourth person sort of threw me off. You just slipped that in. But like, yeah, I just slipped it right in. Yeah, there is a fourth here who is making an appearance. Yes. So you're no longer being seduced, right? But you can still have a nice time. And so that she's like, you know, they're chatting. And

And the whole time Lucy is like, I wish I were Jada. Right? This apartment is like a renovated warehouse with giant floor-to-ceiling windows. There's a view of the skyline. When Rory went to like finish up the dessert, Lucy was drinking her little like digestif on the velvet couch or whatever. And she watched Jada wrap Rory in a hug from behind. And Lucy is like, I wish I were dead. Yeah.

Yeah, which is exactly what we thought would happen. You go down this road. This is you given you give one inch and the next thing you know, you've spent several weeks only to come in 11th place on your soccer league. And then you're sitting across from your crush watching them have the life of your dreams. Been there, been there. Even though Lucy is like convinced that Rory is her soulmate, she's

Seeing her and Jada together in their apartment, she's like, okay, I get it. I get why you're in love. It's impossible to not root for you. Yeah. I fucking hate that. It would be so much better if they were terrible together and you could rue them. But no. You could just slip in there and break them up. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

All of this is to say that when Jada invites Lucy to join the softball team in the summer, Lucy is like, absolutely. Yeah. Jada and Rory's team in every league is called the Baby Back Butches. Uh-huh.

The baby dog butches signed up to play on the same team for the softball season. They were like pretty good, but not good enough. They had the same problem they had with soccer, which is that half of their team is good at softball and the other half is good at soccer, which means that in both leagues, half of them are terrible. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

Which is, yeah, it's tough. I mean, I'm going to stereotype here and say that I would assume that a lesbian league, like everybody would be kind of good at sports. Yes. That's my stereotyped assumption. Because my assumption going into the gay league was everyone's going to be prancing around. Everyone's going to be skipping from plate to plate. And that was, I guess, my bad on both fronts.

Right. So all of these girls are athletic. They're all competitive. So they're like not thrilled with the fact that they're not doing super well in these leagues. Right. But Lucy is having a great time. She's like, I've made all these new friends. We're going out to the like only gay bar in the city after games to like get buckets of beer. It's a blast. The only problem is...

As you may have guessed already, is that someone in this group is always smooching. Everyone is like dating each other. It's like a constant ordeal. Yeah. When Lucy first showed up in the group, all of the girls like were drawn to her like moths to a flame, right? Like they're all like, hello, new. Who are you? She felt like the belle of the ball.

But she was also like, I know that this attraction exists because I'm just like a new player. She's like, maybe these girls also feel like their world is shrinking. Yeah.

Yeah, the gay kickball league that I was in, you'd go to drinks after the game. And like, now I know as someone who has played a couple seasons, you can literally like map out the bar and see who is avoiding who, like who is taking this route to get another drink because they're trying to go around the circle that contains that person. So of course, yeah, when a new person walks in, it's like they are...

free of baggage you can interact with them until the next season when you have to avoid them because it ended messily yes so during the soccer and the softball season lucy tries dating two of the other players but there's like you know just not enough chemistry all they had in common was this team it just like wasn't enough yeah but their breakups were amicable you know whatever it's fine

Almost all the breakups on this team are amicable. So like everyone's having a fun time, even though they're like, this is my ex-girlfriend and my other ex-girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend's ex-girlfriend, right? Yeah. It's a fun group. It's a young one. There's no one in a serious relationship on this team except for Jada and Rory. Mm-hmm.

And so everyone in the group refers to Jada and Rory as the mamas. Sure. Okay. I was expecting a celebrity, you know, a Jadori. Jadori! See...

That's beautiful. Yeah, you should take over for them. Yeah. By this point, they're like, Lucy is good friends with Jada and Rory. She's like seeing them at practice, seeing at the games. She's seeing Rory at work. And like sometimes she's still being invited over for dinner on Sundays. So she was like not surprised when Jada told her that she was like looking for an engagement ring for Rory. Sure. Yeah. She's like Rory wants some sapphire she found years ago reset in a modern ring. I'm going to like find a jeweler soon.

Okay. It's getting, it's getting, I'm, my heart is starting to race though. Cause I'm like, where this is not going in a good direction. At some point, shit is going to blow up and I'm not ready for it. Lucy is like, she's like inside of you. There are two wolves, one wolf that is happy for Jada and Rory and one wolf that wants to destroy Jada. Right. And she's like, yeah,

The window of opportunity is closing. If you are going to be destructive, you have to act now. Okay. All of this buildup brings us to the fall. So we have played soccer. We have played softball. It is fall. They finished last in soccer. As you may remember, they finished in the middle of the field in softball. Everyone on this team is like not good enough.

Like, I want to win. Yeah. I mean, ultimately, they are failures and disappointments. And they should feel that way. Yeah, that they feel bad that they suck so bad. Yes. So Jada brings an idea to the team. And what is her idea for her team of half softball players and half soccer players? It is kickball. Okay, sure.

I thought we were doing a morale thing, but no. Okay. Yeah. Sure. Kickball. We're doing kickball. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

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Jada's argument is like, theoretically, we could be really good at this because we have soccer players and softball players. And the Queer Kickball League has a six foot tall trophy if you win it. Are you kidding me? Okay, budget. No, we were not dealing. My team came in first place and I just got like a nickel with a string on it. And how much did you pay to play in that league? Like a hundred bucks. Yeah. Yeah.

Which included like a t-shirt and then, yeah, and then a medal. And no six foot trophy is what it sounds like. Yeah. Okay. They sign up as a team to play kickball. Everything's great. They show up on the first day. The field is like a little bit outside the city center. It's like a big dirt diamond with a grass outfield. Okay. Bases are 60 feet apart. They're covered in dirt. It's the kind of field where like, even if you sit on the bench the whole game, you're going to end up with like

Yeah. Which I like because then I'm like, I feel like I was sporty even though I sat on the bench the whole time. That's athlete shit. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, so the baby bag butchers show up to their first game. They're playing a team called the Sunday Fun Day. And immediately they sense a problem. The problem is that the Sunday Fun Days are wearing like real jerseys. They're not wearing the league provided t-shirts that every single adult recreational league gives you. Oh, we're dealing with professionals. This team, they have like their names and numbers. Yes. Okay.

Yeah, no, I'm walking off the field in that. I'm throwing in the towel. Everyone on this team is like, this was supposed to be a casual league. Kickball is supposed to be a fake sport. We're supposed to win this easily.

Why are people taking... There is something happening in our culture around kickball. I do not understand why people are taking kickball so seriously. It could not be a more ridiculous sport. It's so dumb. There's no reason. Even the ball is stupid. That's not a ball that we use in any other context. It has no use. It makes a stupid sound when you throw it against the ground.

I don't like it. It also hurts bad if you kick it, which is the point. Okay. They are so busy having this same conversation that you and I are having that they do not notice the woman approaching them. Uh-oh.

She's almost six feet tall. Her legs go on for days. Her biceps are as round as the kickball. Her hair is tied back with like a silk ribbon. And she has tied her league mandated shirt up above her belly button, which everyone can see is pierced. Yeah, okay. She's not wearing cleats. She's wearing Nike Air Forces.

So she is so beautiful that some of the girls in the team have their mouths just like hanging open watching this girl walk up. She walks right up to Jada. How did she know Jada was the team captain? Completely unclear. It must be a vibe. She extends her hand to her long acrylic nails and she's like...

I'm Mel. You're the baby back butchers, right? I think I'm on your team. Oh, okay. Jada takes one look at her and is like, oh, I'm so sorry, but you must have the wrong team. Like, our roster is full. We've all played together before. Yeah. She is wrong. The roster was not full because in the kickball league, if you do not have 15 people on your team, the league can add people without teams to your roster. Yeah.

They can assign you a hottie. Yeah. So they have assigned this hottie to our girls. Okay. Godsend. Welcome, Mel. They do not win the first kickball game.

obviously. Mel's fault. Yes. They just like throw Mel in the outfield, right? They're like, you can have four outfielders in kickball. Just go stand out there and let someone else do it. It's fine. But she like manages to strike out her first at bat in kickball, which is like just demoralizing because it's like you have to whiff that giant ball. I can say from personal experience, nothing is more humiliating than striking out at the ball.

Like best case, you can just kick it and like have a foul. Yeah.

But like to strike out is... It's brutal. It is brutal. And I have done it. And I will do it again. That's the spirit. They go to the bar afterward. Usually this group of girls, like huge NWSL fans. When Lucy shows up to the bar, there's like an NWSL game playing on a giant projection screen at the front of the gay bar. Where are her teammates?

Nowhere to be found. They are all like swarming Mel. They all have questions for her. They're like trying to casually touch her arm. Lucy gets it. She's like, Mel's objectively hot. She's just not like my type. Right. So Lucy is like not swarming. She is observing the swarm. As you have mentioned, you can do before. Mm hmm. Mm hmm.

When Mel mentions her ex-girlfriend, Lucy can feel the spines like straighten around her at the table. Yeah. The left fielder like tries to be casual and is like, oh, like, are you dating anyone now?

And Mel like takes a sip of her beer and she begins talking about like how she actually had a terrible ex-girlfriend. Right. She's like, this girl was really controlling. She was kind of mean. She didn't want me to be friends with any other women. And so we like broke up. Mel's like, you know, I'm just trying to keep it chill right now.

Everyone around the table is nodding. Right. What else can you do but nod in this moment? Yeah. At the end of the night, everyone's like, Mel, can we like you should share your number, blah, blah, blah. And Jada's like, I will add Mel to the group chat. Everyone chill.

It is important to know that there are 14 women on this team and Mel. Mel is the only one of them that is high femme, right? Like she has a full face of makeup on for every game. Her bangs are always curled. She has like the strands out of her hat to make her look cute. Right. On Lucy's way to the car, like after meeting Mel after the bar, one of the other players is like, it's kind of fucked up for her to look that pretty after a game, don't you think? And Lucy's like, absolutely it is.

Yeah, I mean, that is offensive. It's rude. I don't think anybody should look good sweating in general. Yeah. And if you do, you should do it away from us. Yeah. That's like people would bring like a change of clothes before they go to the bar after. And it's like, no, we all agree that we're going to be disgusting. You're not in on this. You're breaking the code. We need to get drunk and gross.

Yes. Okay. The team plays on Thursday nights. Okay. So the next time everyone sees Mel, they see her at practice. They see her at the next game. They lose that game. This is obviously a problem. Classic baby, baby butchers. It really is. Butches. Yeah. At the bar after the second last game, Mel is like, I think I have figured out what the issue is. And the issue is that the league issued shirts we're wearing are very ugly. Okay.

Like, please give me your shirt. I will fix this problem. So for the third game, Mel shows up to the game with two boxes. Like, Jada has to help her get them out of the car because they're so heavy. In one of them is the original shirts, which she has now tie-dyed, and they look very fun. And Mel is like, we can use these for practice. In the other box are real jerseys. Ooh, yeah.

She gets it. She is like, you need to look the part. We're going to fake it till we make it. Fuck everybody else. Yeah. Yeah. This is form over function all the way. If you look at it's all about aesthetics. Yeah. Yeah.

They're like deep purple. They have the team name on them. Everyone's like trying to Venmo Mel and Mel's like, no, no, no, no, no. This is like, I got these. Yeah. That was my thought was like, who is bankrolling this? Yeah. Mel is just spending thousands of dollars on custom jerseys. Yeah. Later, Lucy goes home and Googles Mel because she's like, this is a little weird to me. Finds out that Mel is an heiress.

And that she like bought a famous designer, like famous architects house in the city at 25 and is like friends with a bunch of low level celebrities. Okay. Okay, Mel. Her. Yeah. Her like social cachet just went through the roof. She just casually walks into this. What is she doing playing kickball? Get out of here, Mel. This is not a place for heiresses.

This is also against the spirit of kickball. Do you think that Mel's jerseys help the team win? I want to believe that it will, but given their track record, I don't have much hope. Yeah, they don't win the third game. So they have now lost three games in a row. But you know what? They looked great doing it. And that is what's more important.

They did. You know the basic rules of how kickball works because you have played it before. But in case people don't know, it's three strikes, you're out. It's three outs, your team doesn't get to bat anymore. That's basically it. Yeah, sure. That is the extent of my knowledge. Do you know how ground balls work in softball?

I can say with 100% confidence that I do not. Okay. Never even heard of that. I could not. Ground ball is ball hit on ground, right? So unlike fly ball, it is on the ground. Yes, we got that.

We got that where you position your players on the field is where people most often hit ground balls to, right? So the players are like usually back kind of near the grass. And that's so that they have more room to like take angles to the ball and cut it off. Right. Okay, sure. The only reason a player in softball or baseball would play closer than that is if the other team was like gonna bunt, which no one does because it's super hard to do.

In kickball, though, it's extremely easy to accidentally bunt by just like hitting the ball with the weird part of your foot. Yes. I learned that very quickly because my thing was like, no, I have giant legs. I'm going to kick the ball as hard as I possibly can. And then they yell at me because it's very easy to catch a fly ball.

Yeah, but it's harder to field a ball on the ground. Yeah, if you bunt it, it's much easier to get to first base at least. Exactly. So in the kickball league therein, there's a rule called the neutral zone triangle. What the neutral zone triangle means is no fielder can play in front of the pitcher's mound. Right, right.

So like you have to stay back while they're kicking. And then once they've kicked the ball, you can run forward. Right. Right. That makes sense.

This is a problem for our team because Rory, the pitcher in softball, who is also the pitcher in kickball and is good at it, is an extremely bad fielder. And because everyone is always just tap-tapping the kickball into this little neutral triangle, Rory is just like throwing the ball nowhere, right? Like she can't do it. And so the other team is figuring it out and they're all just like...

barely tapping the ball in front of the plate and then getting on base. Yeah. I mean, that is truly being the pitcher is the hardest job there is. Yes. What do you think the team should do about this problem? I mean...

You're the coach now. This is why, yeah, I was not captain. I was barely on the team to begin with. I would say, I mean, if someone else is a better fielder, then naturally, yeah, you gotta, Rory's gotta take a step back, take one for the team, literally, and, you know, cede the throne, cede the pitcher's mound. So Jada is like, Lucy, you're a good fielder.

Would you be willing to try pitching? Okay. Lucy feels weird about this because she's like, so you're going to kick Rory off the mound and put me there. Yeah. Oh, you're going to replace this person in your life who's performing a certain role with me? Do you think she should try? I mean, this is a dress rehearsal for like, yeah, yeah.

this is what what else could we experiment with replacing me with she should try yeah she does she tries she is not a good pitcher okay like the strike zone and kickball is a whole foot wider than the plate in every direction lucy like her ball has never been there it doesn't it doesn't know the strike zone okay not great kickball leagues are only six innings at the end of three

where they're just losing terribly, Mel comes and like plops down next to Lucy, right? She's like blowing bubbles with her stupid bubble gum. And she's like, would you be offended if I asked Jada if I could try pitching? Uh-huh.

And Lucy is like, honestly, like, go for it. Get me out of here. I'm getting rocked. Like, I'm not having fun. Yeah. Mel goes in with her giant acrylic nails and is just like a fucking beast on the mound. Of course. No one is getting on base.

Mel's pitching some ball that like spins in a way that I don't understand. Yeah. She's an heiress. Okay. She's got like a like international champion coach who's giving her lessons in between games. She knows what she's doing. And they win. Obviously. And then they win the week after. And they win the week after that. So they're now three and three. Yeah.

Something has got to happen here. This is too good to be true. Mel is like an international criminal. I don't know what's going to happen, but like a perfect person cannot enter your team and there be no consequences. Uh-huh. Here comes the consequence. Okay. That night at the bar.

Everyone's in a great mood, right? They're three and three. Everyone's thrilled. They're like, we're doing it. It's great. Everyone's having a great time, especially like Lucy. Lucy's having a great time. And so she ends up staying at the bar later than she usually does. And it ends up just her, Jada, Rory, and Mel. Dun, dun, dun. The bar is closing because it is a Thursday and this is a regular metropolitan area. Mel is like,

Everyone come back to my place. Like, I have a hot tub. It'll be really fun. Like, we can stay up for longer. Of course she does. Lucy is like, it's a Thursday. I'm sleepy. I'm going home. Good night. Okay. But I mean, not when Mel is asking you to wear a hot tub. Agree. I think she should have gone. Yeah, absolutely. Three days later. It's Sunday now, right? Uh-huh.

Jada and Rory have invited Lucy over for dinner. So she goes over there and she's like, the vibes are super weird. Like, I'm feeling like I should not be here. Oh, no. Right? Yeah. Lucy's like, how was Mel's house? Like, what was it like? And they describe this, like, giant mansion, sweeping staircase, chandeliers that look like they're worth a whole salary. Jada's like, she had big art. Yeah.

Yeah. Art that, like, multiple people had to bring in and, like, reconstruct indoors. Yes. But when Lucy asks, like, oh, what did you do? Did you have fun? Rory and Jada both get, like, cagey. This is, yeah. Yeah.

I need to know what happened. What they tell her is that they all got in the hot tub. Everyone was having a really fun time. Jada went to grab another round of beers from the fridge. And when she returned, Rory was kissing Mel. Oh, no. Okay.

Lucy gasps. Yeah. Because she's like, one, my crush, not fair to not the mamas. This is truly. Yeah. Worst case scenario is that a home wrecker comes in. It was not you. You're supposed to be the home wrecker. Exactly. And she's like, I've spent a lot of time with Rory and Jada, and I know that they are like not open relationship people. Right.

So she's like, this is a nightmare. And she's like, I can't figure out who I'm supposed to be mad at or like who I'm supposed to align with. And she looks at Jada with like her eyes full of worry. She's like expecting the tone to change and for Jada to become somber and be like, you know, we're going to work through it. We're going to figure this out. But Jada is like spinning her little noodles, smirking. And she's like, so when I got back, I was like, no fair. And then she made out with Mel too. Yeah.

Oh no. Now this is an even worse case scenario. A third person comes in who is not you and they accept it. Lucy is like...

I'm not a prude. She's like, that's not my problem here. I don't have a problem with people kissing other people. She's like, but I think if Rory and Jada are kissing other people, it should be me. Yeah, okay. She has been training for this. She has gone through three seasons of three different sports for this moment. Yes. And it's like, she can't figure out the dynamic, right? She's like, it seems like maybe like,

Rory was mad that Jada let Mel pitch and that's why she kissed her. It seemed like she's like, there's a lot of like...

Lucy is like doing three dimensional chess. I love just that my brain did not go there at all. But I love that. Just the idea that Rory was like, I'm so mad I couldn't pitch tonight. So I'm going to make out with Mel in the hot tub to get back at her. They win the seventh game. After the seventh game, Lucy asks Rory, she's like, what's happening? Like, are you okay? And Rory's like, it's fine. It's not your business. You don't need to worry about it.

It sounds like it's very much her business, actually. She has had a front row seat to this train wreck unfolding for months. Yes. Part of the reason they've started winning, like it's partly Mel and her great ability, but it's also that Jada, who was a power hitter in softball, finally figures out how to kick the ball, right? Like she figured something out and suddenly they're like on a tear.

They win the eighth game. They're like feeling like they're unstoppable. That six foot trophy is within grasp. Exactly. But after every game, everyone is like looking at each other at the bar because like Jada and Rory are not being sneaky about flirting with Mel. Like everyone on the team can see them. And so they're like all going to Lucy and being like,

What's happening? Like the mamas are sleeping with Mel, which is fine. But like, it seems like Rora and Jada keep talking about how much they love Mel and like love having her over and love having her as part of her relationship. And like, they hope that she's going to stick around for a really long time. But Mel is telling everyone that she's still single. And when we ask her about it, Mel's like, I'm just having fun. This is why, I mean, no judgment. Um,

Yeah, great start. I know. It's like there's no follow up to this that will sound not judgmental. I just like I know myself well enough to know I could never be in a situation that is non monogamous because I am like way too jealous of.

I yeah, I will have a breakdown. It's hard for me to put myself in even understanding how other people can do it because that would drive me crazy. It's also like a classic dynamic, right? Which is that like a couple is really happy to have a third come in. And the third is like, this is just a casual thing that I'm doing. And I'm not involved in this couple at all. This is one of like eight couples that she's doing this with.

yeah basically but every girl on the team is like don't look at it don't address it we're on a winning streak right like no one intervene and create problems whatever it takes to win the game they lose the ninth game but like barely okay nobody is concerned they're like we just have to win one more game to go to the championship

But the next week, they're playing the worst team in the league. So they're like, no problem. The baby back butches are like truly counting their chickens before they hatch. They are like planning to turn Lucy's birthday party the next weekend into a like, we are going to the championship celebration. Yeah, no, that is a recipe for disaster. The day before...

The last game of the regular season, Jada, their power hitter, their captain is called out of town on a last minute emergency work trip. Okay, this something is fishy. Who called her? That's what I want to know. She's getting on an airplane showing up to a hotel that doesn't exist. That is I'm calling it.

When Jada tells the WhatsApp group, it is like too silent. Like no one is responding because everyone is side texting. Everyone is like panicking. They're like, Jada's our best kicker. She's the one that makes the lineup. Like with Jada gone, it's unclear who the coach is. That's true. Yeah. Who steps up? When they show up at the final regular season game, Rory has the clipboard.

Immediately, this is a bit of a problem because Rory has decided that she is going to pitch this game. No, Rory, set aside the ego. Everyone, especially Mel, is like, what the fuck?

Like, we need to win this game to go to the championship. And Rory explains her reasoning. She's like, we don't need to blow out this team. They're in last place. We just need to win. It would be better for Mel to rest her arm before the championship. This is theoretically smart, but it's actually stupid because this is recreational kickball. Mel does not need to rest her arm. Right. This is truly some, like, Greek mythology shit. This is, like...

biblical the way that you just she's flying too close to the sun she is tempting fate i we just know we know it's gonna end in disaster yes everyone is like making eyes at each other but for the first half of the game it's fine the baby back butches are up eight to one in the fourth inning they're feeling good okay that's when the other team figures out that rory cannot feel the ball so they start tapping the ball into the neutral zone and rory keeps whiffing it

Rory, Rory, Rory. By the time the fourth inning is over, it's eight to six. So they've scored five runs. Oof.

When Rory tries to go out to the mound the next inning, Mel loses it. Like, she follows her to the mound. She tries to, like, rip the big red ball away from Rory. Everyone else on the field is, like, just looking at each other. And they're like, we think what they're actually fighting about is Jada, right? They're like, we don't think this has anything to do with pitching. This does not seem like a sports quarrel. The subtext has...

overflowed and we are in pure text. Yeah. Yes. They fight over the ball so much that the ump gives them both yellow cards, which is something I did not know you could get in kickball.

Uh, my league did not have those cards, to my knowledge. And the idea that any queer kickball league would actually have like penalties like that is hilarious to me. Yes. The yellow card, like something in it, like wakes up Rory and she's like, oh, you're right. Like you pitch, I'll sit. They win the game. Amazing. But the tension at the bar is like, you cut it with a knife, right? Like it's just filled. Yeah.

They're all doing shots to try and dissipate it, but it's like, it's hard. Okay. Saturday is the Lucy's birthday party slash celebration of going to the championship game. It is a rager, right? Like they've ordered pizza. They have a keg. They're playing slap cup in the backyard. Lucy is like having the time of her life. I mean, at least they have something to celebrate. Yeah. They're like, this is great. We're going to the championship. Like Lucy's another year older. We're having a great time. Happy birthday, Lucy. Yeah.

But around midnight, Lucy looks over, and who does she see talking in the corner very closely but Mel and Rory? Okay. Wait, at this point, Jada is still out of town? Yes. Okay. Uh-oh. What do you do? It's your birthday, you've had five shots. You look over, and Mel and Rory are talking very closely. Okay.

Yeah, if I'm five shots deep at my own birthday party, you better believe I'm getting out my phone flashlight, shining it on them from the other side of the room. I'm shutting all the lights off, taking out the flashlight, putting them in the spot and saying, what the fuck is going on? Lucy, five drinks in, is like, I know what I'll do.

Two birds getting stoned. I'll simply get Rory to come home with me. Then she can't do anything with Mel and I'll get more time with Rory. Genius. Do you think it works?

I mean, going back to my new puppy, okay? Please. She's been biting everything in my apartment, and I always have to try to lure her away with a chew toy. Instead of biting my very nice armchair, I'm like, no, here's your stupid chew toy that kind of tastes like maple. And it never works. Because the chair is always going to taste better than the chew toy.

And sadly, Lucy is the chew toy. Yeah, she is. Yeah. Rory wants that delicious, delicious chair.

She wants heiress heiress kiss. You can't fight with heiress heiress tongue. You can't. Okay. It doesn't work. She goes over there. She like tries to intervene. They're like, hi, Lucy. Happy birthday. Right? Like, whatever. This does not work. Lucy stays like latest at the party because it's her birthday and she watches Rory leave. And then two minutes later, Mel leave.

And she looks out the window and she watches them both get into the same Uber. You can't even do that here. You just have to let them leave and tell yourself they went their separate ways. I know, but she doesn't. And she's like, you know what? I just have to move on. I have to let this go. Rory is my friend. Jada is my friend. Mel is my teammate who's very hot. And whatever. Right. Right.

Except it is a problem for her because the next morning Jada texts her and is like, thank you so much for taking care of Rory. Oh, no. No. Now we've come to a fork in the road again. Because now does she tell her?

Yeah. And Lucy is like... Lucy knows a couple of things, right? She's like, one, I did not take care of her. Two, she's like, Rory was pretty sober. Like, she did not need to be taken care of. Yeah. So do you tell Jada? Well, I mean, this is a prime... Lucy has been handed a beautiful opportunity here to homewreck in the most ethical way possible. Yes. She can...

with a clear conscience say, well, you know, actually you've been dating a lying, cheating whore. I would never use those words, but you know, Lucy could say this. And then, yeah. And then, oh, Jada, you know, I'm here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on. And then she comes over and she's wearing the oversized shirt with the biker shorts, backlit, looking stunning. So I say, yes, tell her and reap the benefits. Yeah.

This in general would be great advice, except that you have forgotten that we have a championship game on Thursday. That is true. What is more important, the six foot trophy or perhaps finally getting the love of your life? The love of your life. Yeah, we can't know. Lucy texted Shada back and she's like, she wasn't that drunk. It was a fun party. So just avoids the question. That's right. Yeah, not lying, but not telling the truth.

Yeah. Tuesday, they have their little practice. Nothing important happens except for the fact that like everyone on the team knows that Rory and Mel left the party together and no one knows if Jada knows that. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. So whenever the party comes up, people are like, ha ha, yeah, the party. It was fun. Yeah.

That is truly the worst type of social situation when it's like, you know, the one person maybe knows or doesn't know and you all have to walk on eggshells. That's why I have to separate myself because I'll spill. You got to get out. It is now championship game day.

Okay. Everyone's there early. They're in their jerseys. They're like doing their warm up stretches in a big circle, right? They're like gossiping about people who aren't on the team. They're all chatting very loudly when someone on the opposite side of the circle from Lucy's eyes get like this big. So Lucy turns to look like not so subtly toward the dugout where Jada is holding Rory by the shoulders and Rory is crying.

Okay. Everyone is like still stretching, right? They like have their arms pulled across their chest, like trying to stretch the back of their arm. And they're all just like looking at each other. Right. And Lucy looks over at Mel. Mel's looking at her phone. When she looks back to the dugout, Rory is walking away. Like away from the field, back to the cars. Away from the field. No, not before the championship game. Everyone's like, what the fuck is going on?

Jada comes like trotting out and she's like, huddle up. Like, it's time to have our little pregame meeting. And they're all like, Jada, we'd love to have a pregame meeting. But where is Rory? And Jada's like, Rory has gone to the 7-Eleven. Like, she's just not feeling super good. She went to get a Gatorade. She'll be right back. Uh-huh. Do you believe her? Of course not. We all saw her sobbing in the dugout.

No one in the circle believes Jada. They're all like, bullshit, she went to get a Gatorade from the 7-Eleven restaurant.

Game starts. Rory is not back yet. So Lucy has to fill in for her at first base. Uh-huh. This game is like battle of defense. Mel is like pitching up a storm. No one's getting hits on either side. People are like diving to catch balls. It's like ridiculous. I mean, it's the championship. You've got to pull out all the stops. It's the championship, baby. With two innings left in the game.

The baby back butches finally score a run and another. So they're up two to nothing. When Mel hits an absolute rocket, the ball flies into the outfield over the outfielder's head and keeps rolling. Two more runs score. Mel is running so fast it like might be a home run. The dugout is going crazy.

But she hits third base with the edge of her Air Force One and she stumbles. And she falls into the dirt and everyone like cringes, right? Because they're like, oh no. She gets up. She's okay. She brushes herself off. Team finishes the inning four to nothing. But Rory has not come back. And this would not be a problem except that Mel, when she fell, hurt her wrist because she landed on her hands. Right. Right.

Oh, no. Is she going to have to leave and then they're going to be one player down and now Rory is gone. So there are two players down. And Rory, as you may remember, is the backup pitcher. Oh, right. Now who's going to pitch?

Yeah, I mean, the only other person to my knowledge who has pitching experience is Lucy. But she's bad at it. She is bad at it. But what other option do we have? Or we stall. We stall until someone can run to 7-11 and drag Rory back if she's really at 7-11. So the team is trying to stall, but the other team is like good at defense, right? So it's like you can only stall for so long if you're not getting hits, right?

Right. And they're like talking about it. And Jada's like talking to Lucy and she's like, we're going to have to put you in a picture. And Lucy's like, this is literally the worst idea I've ever my entire life. Like, please do not put me in as picture. And Jada's like trying to walk her through it. Right. She's like, maybe if you do this and this, it will be fine. Lucy is about to be like, I really don't think this is a good idea. I don't think I should go in. When she hears Mel say to Jada, we need Rory.

Okay. Mel calls Rory on the phone. She pulls up her contact and has hearts around her contact. Everyone in the dugout has their eyebrows like at their hairline, right? Like Mel says something on the phone. She's like, thank you. She hangs up. Mel turns to the team. She's like, she'll be here in 20. We just have to get through one inning. Okay. Lucy goes out to pitch. Oh, no, not good. No, she's not.

She manages to get two outs, but she also gives up a run. And so now it's 5-4 the other team. And there are players on every base. Fuck me. That is worst case scenario. She's like, I don't even know where the strike zone is. This is a nightmare. We're going to lose the championship. When she sees running down the block, Rory.

Chariots of fire playing in the background. She's running in slow motion. Yeah, a mist has just started to fall. Yeah, her purple jersey is like blowing in the wind. Lucy is like, she calls Jada to the mound, right? She's like, timeout, calls Jada to the mound. She's like, Rory is back. Jada is like, oh my, thank God.

They put Rory in. She gets the third out. No problem. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Baby back butches score no runs in the bottom of the fifth. They're still down 5-4. But Rory goes back out in the sixth inning, makes easy work of it. The other team doesn't score any more runs. This is the final half inning. How are you feeling? So they are down four runs. The other team. Okay. Okay. One run.

I'm nervous. I don't perform well under pressure on the kickball field. So I can only imagine what is going through their heads. Rory has to kick first. Before she goes up to bat, she vomits in the trash can. Lucy and the outfielder are like, oh my god, like this is a nightmare. But Rory goes up there. She taps the ball. It putters into the neutral zone. She's on base.

Mel kicks the ball. Now we have two people on base. Lucy has to kick. She also gets a single. The bases are loaded. Oh, God. I'm also imagining the six-foot trophy is on site. Sitting there. In a spotlight, sitting there glistening. Yeah. Two models in floor-length gowns are standing on either side of it. The next two batters strike out. Oh, no. What?

The batter after them is Jada. Pressure is on. Jada comes up. She misses the first pitch. Okay. She misses the second. Okay. She smashes the third. Two runs score. Baby Back Butchers win the game.

Yes! Everyone is freaking out. Like everyone is kissing. Everyone's spraying beers. They're getting their six foot trophy. I'm imagining like upturned Gatorade, like urns of Gatorade. I don't know. What do you call those? It's not an urn of Gatorade. Jugs? Yeah, a jug of Gatorade. A cooler probably. Cooler. Yeah, that's it. Yeah.

I'm just like, who is getting on? Who is being lifted up into the middle of the team circle? It's got to be Jada. She got the final blast kick. Yeah.

They're all putting on like the league championship shirts, which are like, you know, extra, extra larges. So everyone's just wearing these like giant shirts in the pictures of them standing around. They're like six foot trophy. Yeah, beautiful. They go to the bar. They're like trying to figure out how to drink beer out of the trophy, but it's like impossible because it doesn't have a cup, right? Like it's a, it's a mess. Yeah. Lucy gets very drunk. She's like, is this the best night of my life? It might be. Yeah.

Do you remember earlier when Mel was talking about her terrible ex-girlfriend who was very controlling? Oh, no. I do recall. Did not know she would be making a return appearance. As we've been over, the queer community in the city is not very big. That's right. So it makes sense that the team would run into Mel's ex eventually. Yeah. But no one was thinking about her because they had just won the championship. Right. Yeah.

So when a woman comes up to Lucy, who, remember, is very drunk and is like, where is Mel's new girlfriend? Lucy points and goes, oh, Rory is right over there. I she's stirring shit up. But wait, no, Lucy doesn't know who this is, right? OK, OK. Still messy. Still messy of her.

Still messy. But the woman, who is Mel's ex-girlfriend, goes, no, no, no. Mel's new girlfriend isn't named Rory. And Lucy is like, yes, it is. They're not, like, officially together, but, like, they're together. We all know it. Yeah. And the woman goes, no, her name is, like, Jade or something. Oh, no. This could mean one of two things, okay? Either this ex-girlfriend has done extensive research and has just come up with this name, or...

She Mel told her. Oh, right. I'm dating Jade Jada. Lucy goes Jada because in her head, she's like, this isn't right. Rory is the one who kissed Mel first. Rory and Mel went home together. Right. Because she screamed Jada in her confusion. Jada goes. Yes. And Mel's ex-girlfriend throws an entire beer on her.

It would not be a championship celebration if someone was not getting a beer thrown on them. So this is truly the perfect ending. This, as you can imagine, creates chaos. A bouncer comes and removes Mel's ex-girlfriend. But Lucy is not focused on that at all. Because the other team members are like, what happened? Why is Jada covered in beer? And Lucy is like, because...

She said that Jada and Mel are together. Right. Everyone is sober now. Everyone is like huddled around. They're like, Jada, is it true? Jada, like she said that you were with Mel. Yeah, we have now put her on the spot. And now she has to. We have to put it all out in the open. And Jada is like, well, we didn't want to tell you guys before the game because I wanted us to win, which we did.

But Rory and I have broken up and I am dating Mel. To do that? I mean, to do that before the championship game and to have a blowout in the dugout before the championship game. Truly in a queer sports league will this happen? Everyone is like gasping, right? Because this is stunning news. The mamas have broken up. Yeah, RIP the mamas. Huge.

It turns out it was Jada and Mel who were together the whole time, not Rory and Mel. There was not any cheating. What happened is when Rory and Jada both fell for Mel, Mel basically told them like, hey, I like y'all, but I'm not interested in joining someone else's couple. Right.

It's not easy to be broken up with, but it was much easier for Rory than it was for Jada. Uh-huh. So they started talking about it and they realized that they had gotten comfortable and they weren't all that happy. And so they started the process of breaking up. It was not really about Mel. In fact, when Jada tried to talk to Mel about it, Mel was like, no, I don't want to get into something in a way that doesn't feel good. Of course. There were no shenanigans. No.

Right. What happened at Lucy's birthday is Rory took Mel back to her apartment and the two of them talked. And Rory was like, I know that you don't want to be the driving force in breaking us up, but you aren't. And Jada really likes you. Oh. And now Mel and Jada are together. How are you feeling?

Okay, one question. What was the text the night after the party that Jada was like, thank you for taking care of Rory? Well, because Rory couldn't tell her that she had told Mel that Jada wanted to be with her. Okay, okay. Right. Sure, sure, sure. What...

This is truly like there could be no other backdrop than a kickball league. It is just like the level of high drama accompanied by the most useless sport imaginable is a marriage made in heaven. It's a beautiful marriage. Yeah. Who do you think the villain of our story is? Or is there one?

I mean, TBH, I do feel like Rory is the kind of great tragic figure of this story. And if I were her, I would be on the floor of 7-Eleven to this day. Would never have returned to the fields. I mean, the...

I would say the true villain is Mel's ex because she comes in as this kind of truly dark figure, this shadow figure who comes in, but she causes chaos in the best possible way. And that is to bring about this cathartic ending. So I don't think there are any real losers here or any real villains besides, you know, I do feel for our girl Lucy too. She...

She doesn't really get the girl in the end. Would you like the few little updates I have for you since this ordeal happened? Love them, yeah. Okay. Mel and Jada dated for about a year. They broke up very amicably. Okay. The team has stayed together. They have not won any more championships. Lucy asked Rory on a date during the spring soccer season, and they have been dating happily for about two years now.

Oh, my God. Recently, Lucy asked Mel for help to use her connections in the art world so that Lucy could get a perfect sapphire set into a band. And she proposed to Rory last week and Rory said yes. No! Yay! Yay!

I want to know if the six foot trophy will be present at their wedding because... That is a great question. The six foot trophy should officiate, honestly. It should be at the altar. Someone should just be the voice of the six foot trophy. Yeah. I'll volunteer. I'll do it. If they're listening and they want me to be the voice of the trophy, I'll do it. Yeah. That's so kind of you. This is...

I mean, what a tale. What a story to tell their grandchildren. I know. It's beautiful. Yeah. Your mom's met in a gay kickball league, as all moms do. Yeah.

Matt, thank you so much for coming on the show. It was a joy to have you. Thank you. This was exhilarating. I am so happy it was about gay kickball. You have no idea. I know. That was a real twist for both of us that you had played gay kickball. I love that.

Thank you for listening to Normal Gossip. If you have a gossip story to share with us, email us at normalgossip at defector.com or you can leave us a voicemail at 2679GOSSIP. If you love this podcast and want us to keep making it, become a friend or a friend of a friend at supportnormalgossip.com. You can follow the show on Instagram and TikTok at normalgossip. You can follow Kelsey on all social media at McKinneyKelsey. This podcast was produced by Alex Sujong-Loughlin. Defector's projects editor is Justin Ellis. Our editor-in-chief is

is Tom Le. J. Tolviera is our production assistant. Thanks to the rest of the Defector staff. Defector Media is a collectively owned subscriber-based media company. Normal Gossip is hosted by Kelsey McKinney. And remember, you did not hear this from me. Radiotopia from PRX.