Essential Oils and Illegal Casinos with Danielle Henderson
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Hello and welcome to Normal Gossip. I'm Kelsey McKinney and in each episode of this podcast, we're going to bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world. I am thrilled to welcome back to the podcast my friend Danielle Henderson.

Danielle is a television writer, author of the memoir The Ugly Cry, and creator of feminist Ryan Gosling. You can find her on Orgasms and Revenge, her weekly sub-stack newsletter, and you may remember her from the premiere of season two, Grandma's Best Friend Dot. Danielle, welcome back. It's so great to have you here.

Kelsey, hi. This is the most exciting day of my life. I was going to say year, but I'm like, no, let's just throw in the marriage and the divorce and the graduations. And this is the most exciting day of my life. You're doing that Nicole Kidman pose when she got divorced. Full arms in the air. Take it all. Just sunlight shining on me. Has your relationship with gossip changed at all since the last time you were here? It really hasn't.

It hasn't changed fundamentally. I'm still a very passive receiver of gossip that doesn't affect my day-to-day life. My therapist, who is wonderful, is really upset by the fact that I keep an enemies list. Oh, yeah. My therapist also hates this about me. She's not thrilled. We'll connect them together. We need to get them in a room. I was like, well, no, Donna, I don't have an enemies list that's active. It's not like a hit list. Yeah. You're not doing anything with it. No, I just use it for motivation, and I've been doing

it for a long time, like 25 years. I've had a list of enemies, like five people that, you know, I will denote each year that if, and the whole purpose is that if I'm not doing better than them by my own standards, if I'm not doing better than them by the end of the year, then, then I need to keep working. Oh my God. It's purely motivational. So I'm like keeping an enemies list because otherwise I'll forget, right? Like I'll just be like, is this person my friend? Right? Like, I don't know. It's unclear to me.

Yours is like more motivating, which I like. Please tell this to Donna because she's trying to get me to do a gratitude list instead. No. She's like, well, you're a naturally depressive person. You shouldn't be looking for these chances to be upset. Yes, Donna. That's why I have these lists to motivate me out of my depression and into success. Thank you.

and she won't let me she won't let me gossip and that's what really i'm like okay i really i really can't have you take everything away because she's a professional and she's good at her job yes so when i want to gossip she kind of always brings it back to well what's underlying that and what's it and i'm like no no no no she's like well you have your friends for that i'm like yeah but i want to have a perfect i want a professional gossip i want your opinion yeah why can't i have that also the

The problem with your friends is that often they've heard other sides of the gossip, whereas your therapist only hears from you. So it's like, well, you're stuck on my team, babe. So I want you to gossip with me. You're in a vat. In the words of Don Draper, that's what the money is for. You're here.

My side of this. Stop trying to make me a better person with a gratitude list. What are you crazy? This is not how I work. It's important to know your own limitations. And we're very aware of ours. They're very aware. I'm very tuned in. I was told that you brought a gossip story for me. Is that true? I.

I did, which is it's difficult to do out here in the boonies. But I do have some personal gossip. So self gossip, my favorite kind. Self gossip, as you know, because we are, you know, actual friends in real life. I had a crush on someone and it's not a good crush. It's it's basically the

The embodiment of everything that's wrong with me in my own inability to love myself enough to choose someone worthy of me? No. Sorry.

Working on it, working on it. But I've been like, you know, I've been intentionally single and celibate for 12 years. So even having a crush is a big deal for me. Yeah, I feel like it was like a news, you know, like when you get like a news blast from the New York Times on your phone that's like something bad has happened. I feel like that was the text that I got that was like something crazy has happened. It was crazy.

A full-on Amber Alert for my life. Like, I attached the siren and everything to that text. Yeah, everyone's phone buzzed. They're like, what? She has a crush? What's happening? And so I definitely have been traversing a line with this man, also knowing the whole time that he does not have a crush on me, like is incapable of having a crush on me in this moment. But that did not stop me from using any opportunity I could to kind of be closer to him, I guess you could say. Okay.

So he has a motorcycle. A really cute motor. It's a good motorcycle. It's like an old Triumph. It's a good motorcycle. And I'm not a motorcycle person. I never have been in my life. I've had many opportunities. I've never looked at the motorcycle and thought, yes, get on that flying death machine and cart yourself into the sunset. But when you like someone enough to want

to want to hold on to them for a couple of hours. Sometimes you find yourself on the back of a motorcycle. This is like teen girl behavior. You're like to be like, okay, I dislike motorcycles. Might they kill me? Yes. But also I could get on the motorcycle and put my arms around my crush. The most base emotion I have felt in decades.

Just full base emotions. So he got this motorcycle and was very excited and got a helmet for me. Are you sure that he doesn't like you? I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me. Do you think he knows that you're into him? Oh, absolutely, because I told him. Oh!

I mean, I'm 47 years old and I haven't had a crush in 12 years. So I was like, hey, I have a crush on you. I think I'm really interested in you. And he was like, I am not in that point in my life. I'm like, great, but you should know this about me. Yeah. And then he was still like, come with me on a sunset ride on my motorcycle.

Oh, it gets so much deeper than that. Oh, no. It's just a disaster. It's just an emotional disaster. But he does know this about me and still invited me on the bike. He's like, no, this woman wants to be on me and I'm inviting her to kind of be on me. And you were like, thank you. I would love to. I'm like, thank you. I will accept that. I will accept that. Welcome to the death trap. I'm happy here. I'm happy on the death trap. So when I got on the motorcycle the first time... Oh, no. What?

And this is earlier in the summer. In the summer, I usually wear extensions. So I had these long braids that are blue on the bottom. I always go with blue. There's just a color I love and it's easy for me. So the blue hair is sticking out and waving in the wind as I'm rolling around on this motorcycle. And it is a strange thing to be on one. I can't imagine being the driver of a motorcycle because you're getting everything full on in your face. Right.

But as someone on the back of a motorcycle, it was very exciting. Now, 70 miles per hour is too fast for me, but I like a smooth 50. And then, you know, you're going down roads that you normally go down in a car and it feels very interesting. I was having a good time. I felt safe. I don't love that you're using the past tense here. I'm scared. Okay, continue. You're having a good time. So I was having a good time. The first time we got on, it was very exciting. And with

Within an hour of getting home, I received a text message from my one neighbor. I have one neighbor next door. And I received a text message from my neighbor that said, did I just see you hop on a motorcycle and drive away? Yeah.

And my neighbors are retired teachers who've raised kids, have grandkids. It was a very grandparent message. Like, did I just see what I thought I saw? Yeah, your neighbors are like, those things will kill you. Yeah, like, P.S., did you know? And then I got more messages from...

Than I would ever have expected because I expected zero messages. And we're out in the back roads. Like we weren't even going through the center of town or anything. Doesn't matter. People, little eyeballs are everywhere. And I got several more messages, four more messages from people in town that were saying, I don't think this is true, but it's possible. I saw you on the back of a motorcycle today. I love that you are well known enough in the town that everyone is like,

Danielle should not be on a motorcycle one. And if she is, has she been kidnapped? Like we, I mean, like, like they're all starting these messages by being like, I'm pretty sure this couldn't have been you, but what the fuck were you doing? Like we haven't seen anyone else with blue hair like that in town. Yeah.

But maybe it was somebody passing through. We hope. We hope. Because every message was laid in with this, that cannot be. You simply cannot be doing this. And then that escalated to, cut to two weeks later. And I've been on the bike a couple of times between the first time and this incident. I go into my grocery store.

And I'm at the deli, the deli counter. As one is. And someone who worked behind the deli counter says to me, so I heard you bought a motorcycle. Oh my God. And I'm like, this town is officially too small for me. One, can I live? Because when I left, I grew up here. I grew up in this town, left for 30 years, came back. When I left,

left here I had never dated anybody I had never seen a dick and I pride myself on that because usually I could walk around town and say hello to anybody without any awkwardness I've never seen your dick like I there's no past history yes so the fact that anyone sees me at all is weird now yes

But also, am I allowed to be a little sexy now that I'm a 47-year-old Yemen back in this fucking town? Can I not be on a motorcycle without your goddamn comments? I like that you've become so defensive of the motorcycle that you're like, what, I'm not allowed to be sexy? It's like, no, no, everyone doesn't want you to die. Like, can I have a motorcycle?

People are concerned for your well-being. Oh, fully. And that means I'm like, oh, can I just not have like a potential boyfriend? They're like, that is not what we're saying at all. The fact that you put it in that context is real strange. What? So I'm not allowed to fall in love? It's not like you're posting a bikini picture on Instagram. You're on a fucking motorcycle going 70 miles an hour down the road. So at this point, how long has the crush been going on?

It's an extraordinary amount of time. It's over a year. Okay. Okay. So we're down bad, I would say. It's a mess. I'm working through it. It's very easy to do when the person you have a crush on wants nothing to do with you romantically. It's very easy to get over a crush that way. Is it easy? Seems like you've had a crush for a year. Shut your mouth, Kelsey! Shut your mouth!

I realize the key is to not be in physical proximity. So we just don't hang out as much anymore. Simply don't get on the back of their motorcycle. Just do not get on the motorcycle. Do not let people create gossip about you. But I've learned my lesson through gossip that, you know, you do a reckless thing and you get a reckless result. Wow. Thank you for bringing me this self-gossip. I hate it. To be honest, I'm concerned. Wow.

But I'm glad to bring you gossip because you always bring me the best gossip. It's beautiful to share with your friends. Do you want to hear the gossip that I have for you today? You know I do. ♪

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Not quite. What's up? Sell my car in Carvana. It's just not quite the right time. Crazy coincidence. I just sold my car to Carvana. What? I told you about it two days ago. When you know, you know. You know? I'm even dropping it off at one of those sweet car vending machines and getting paid today. That's a good deal. Great deal. Come on. What's your heart saying? You're right. When you know... You know.

Today's gossip is about one of our favorite subjects, really annoying rich people. Oh, I can feel it coursing through my veins already. We are going like just outside of a medium-sized city.

It's like middle of the country, kind of plays with a river and like one good museum. Couple great restaurants, low cost of living.

And a few of those neighborhoods outside where people just have way too much money and way too much time. I love when you can see that in the landscaping of the home. Yeah. You're like, oh, you have really you planted that completely ridiculous non-Indigenous bush outside your house because it was pretty. You have way too much money. Yeah. What are you doing with a gardenia bush? Get out of here. Today's story is about parenting, kind of.

You and I have both chosen a life where we are not parents and we feel good about this. How do you, Danielle, as a non-parent feel about competitive children's sports? It makes me feel bad in my heart to see adults acting that way because they think they're conveying something to the children. And really, it's just a bunch of us non-parents looking at the parents and saying, you should get a hobby of your own. Yes.

Like this is not healthy for you. Yeah, really? Your child is not that good. Stop forcing your child to be a soccer player when they have the agility of an aunt carrying 17 bowling balls. Don't do this to the kid. And you're right. It is soccer. How did I know? Our friend of a friend today, we're going to call her Yvonne.

Yvonne's in her 40s. She has a 12-year-old. Her kid has been on this soccer team since he was six. Six years of this already. The team is called the Vipers. The Viper logo has like the Viper head and it's like a heart. And then the little tongue comes out of it. And the colors are purple and yellow. And the Viper looks angry. This is already perverse. How are you going to take a Viper and turn it into a symbol of love or affection? I know. I know.

When Yvonne's kid first joined this team, it was like vibes only. Time for fun, right? Like the kids are kicking the ball into their own goal. They never won a tournament. And then something happened. Danielle.

Have you ever had an enemy based solely on someone who annoys the shit out of you? I make enemies on a bus, like a 20 minute bus ride, just because they're eating something disgusting. Honestly, I'm laughing at you, but I'm like, why are you standing in front of the exit door? Move. Yeah, you're my enemy now. You don't know that. And I'll never see you again. But we just became enemies. 100%. Yvonne's enemy is this woman named Bonnie. Okay.

Bonnie's youngest kid is the same age as Yvonne's. And Bonnie makes her crazy because Bonnie is one of those women who like joins every single MLM that exists. So like when they first met, Bonnie was in an MLM that was all about selling quote buttery soft leggings.

And she was talking about them all the time. I've seen the documentary. I know exactly where we're at. Yes. Not only is Bonnie like always annoying Yvonne with MLM garbage, she also kind of like changed the way that this soccer team works forever because her eldest kid was extremely good at soccer. Oh. And because of this, Bonnie was like, my kid is really good at soccer. This team needs a better coach. Right.

And so Bonnie advocated to get the team a new coach who we will call Coach. And Coach ran this thing like a damn boot camp, right? Like he made tryouts that had like skills demos. And

And you might be thinking, like, how does a six-year-old try out? That's a great question. You just have them run around, I guess. It's a little unclear to me. Wait a minute. So these are actual – this is not just a come one, come all six-year-old league. This is an elite soccer team. It's like travel soccer.

I am scandalized. Yes. And having your kid on the Vipers costs you so much money because you are paying for them to have all of these uniforms. You're paying for travel tournaments. All of these kids are like hyper competitive. So they want all of this shit. I cannot believe this.

The effort and energy that people are putting into this before they even have a game, before they even hit, was it the field, the pitch, whatever? Pitch. Before they hit the pitch. Like, what are they doing? These are also, have you been around a six-year-old? They eat their own boogers. Like, what are you talking about? Yes. Oh, my goodness. To have your child on the Vipers is like kind of like, it's like having a part-time job, right? Completely.

It's like 20 hours a week of doing bullshit you don't want to do. And we're not even at orange slices and snacks yet. This is just to get them out there to play. Exactly. But having your kid on the Vipers in this town is also kind of like a status booster. Mm-hmm. So, like, the mayor's kid...

the superintendent's kid, the police chief's kid. All three of these fail sons are on the Vipers. I love how the three people you never want to talk to in town, now you have to talk to every week because of their children. Yes, because it's a status position. Do these three fail sons sit on the bench because they're not good at soccer? Yes. Yeah.

But are their dads campaigning for whatever position they're in on the sides of those fields? Exactly.

Status fucks people up. The proximity to it, the thought that they could have it, it fucks people up. Yeah. Because if you look at it in a macro sense, you're standing in grass with children for hours. You're just standing in a field with some kids. Chill out. Yes, who are chasing a ball. They're running around in circles. Oh, no, I can't.

Oh, okay. But the thing is, Danielle, Bonnie brought Coach in many years ago now, and Coach's method worked because Bonnie's eldest kid got a D1 full-ride scholarship to a fancy school. Oh, so Bonnie brought in, like, the moneyball coach. Yes. And, like, did Bonnie's kid really even need a scholarship? No.

Not really. But Bonnie needed to brag about her child having a scholarship. Literally. And you might think like, oh, okay, the star of the soccer team got a scholarship, whatever. But it wasn't just him. It was four other starters. Oh, so it's kind of a rising tide situation. Exactly. Okay. Unfortunately, this made everyone lose their minds. Yeah.

Small drawback. Everyone went absolutely bonkers. Yes, because now every parent in this town is like, if my kid gets on the Vipers, my kid will go to Princeton on a full ride or whatever. Also, come on, get a grip. Name one person you know that went to school on a soccer scholarship and did not spend the entire time binge drinking. Yep. Yep.

Never kicked a ball again in their life once they got into college. Okay. So the parents are all obsessed with this, right? They're like, our kids are all going to get full rides and they're all going to play soccer or whatever. To do that, your kid has to be seen by the right people. And the right people are the scouts. And for the scouts to see your kid, your kid has to be in the right place. And the right place is a soccer camp in the summer in Nashville. Right.

Naturally. That was my first. Of course. Let's go to the hottest place. One of the hottest places on earth. Yeah. And send our children there to get heat stroke because some middle-aged man might like the way they kick something. Yeah. To get all of the kids to Nashville costs a shit ton of money. And so the Viper parents have a fundraiser every year. Our story today is about the fundraiser. Mmm.

which takes place in April every year and is themed. The theme is casino night. Okay. Again, I'm jumping in here to say, this is so for the parents. This,

have you ever been to one of these things where they're like, the theme is Greece. And I'm like, none of these children have seen the movie. This is for you to act like T-Birds and pink ladies. Casino night is for you to gamble with your friends. Just putting that out there. You know, it's kind of apt, right? You're gambling with your child's soccer career. You're gambling with your money. The house always wins, right? Like, here we go. You're gambling with their mental health. Go for it. And to me,

clear that kids are not invited to Casino Night. The fundraiser is parents only. Even fucking better. We are going to raise money for your team. Get away. You're nowhere near this. We don't want them to see one of your cute little freckled faces try to get some more money here. This is going to be

Caligula levels of mayhem. No children allowed. Yes. Casino Night is run by a committee because all of these things have committees, right? And the committee is headed by our girl Yvonne. The reason Yvonne runs this committee is because at the end of Casino Night every year, there's one big prize.

And her company donates that prize every year. And so she gets to be the head of the committee. Oh, okay. Do you want to guess what the prize is? Is it like one of those old packets of vouchers for various mental health professionals in your area? Right.

A coupon book that's like buy one, get one at Cane's. A coupon book of hobbies you can have as an adult that don't involve your child at all. No. The prize. If you win the Blackout Bingo event at the end of Casino Night, you get $10.

$10,000. What the actual shit? And then they're going to turn around and give that $10,000 to that little kid to go to camp, I bet. This is not $10,000 that's going to activate your life. I mean, where does Yvonne work? She's a business lady, right? She's one of those people that works in business and you're like, what do you do when they explain it and it immediately evaporates from your brain and you're like, uh-huh. Perfect.

So you wear heels to work. So you change from sneakers to heels on the subway? Great. Yeah. Got it. Oh my, $10,000. Again, people are sleeping on the streets in this country. Can we get a grip? Can we just focus a little bit? Literally. Literally.

But, you know, if you donate money without an event, you don't get any attention. So it's important to have an event. You can't just be kind enough to just give money. You have to make sure that people know you gave it. Yes. And so this event that Yvonne's in charge of the committee, right? And one of the biggest decisions that the committee makes is also one of the stupidest. And that decision is who gets to host bingo.

Okay, okay. So who gets to stand up there and be like, B7? Okay, we're cultivating problems here because again, lives are empty in this story. So we're cultivating problems. But also, as a bingo player, it does not take a particular skill set. Anyone can do it. Your dog could do it. I could do it. Anyone could do it. Exactly. It is...

That feeling of needing to stand up somewhere and be seen is something I've never had any attachment to. I'm the exact opposite. I would rather be in the background. Don't look at me at all. But the people who need to be seen concoct ideas.

the most bizarre ways to be in the spotlight. And I guess that's why hosting bingo is a big deal in this world. Yeah, anyone can host bingo, right? It's like pretty easy to do. But every single year, Raquel hosts bingo. All right, what's her deal? Raquel's deal is that she was a party girl turned like girl boss who regrets not following her dreams of being a stand-up comedian. This is so much information about Raquel. Yeah.

She's the kind of woman who like emceed her daughter's sweet 16. Oh, no. Oh, this makes my heart break for her. Just take her to a city and do like a... Let her do a type 5. Yeah. Do a fucking open mic. Like don't let...

run ragged over your children's lives because she didn't get enough attention? Raquel loves this, right? Every year she wears a full tuxedo with tails to host Bingo. Everyone loves it. Everyone loves Raquel. Raquel is exhausting to me already. I can already tell Raquel is going to be a big problem for me. And the problem is your other big problem, Bonnie,

has that thing that you were talking about where like she wants to be seen and loved and cared for. And so she really wants to host bingo. Bonnie bought the coaches. I mean, come on, give Bonnie her flowers. And you know, maybe if Bonnie could articulate the fact that like she wants to host bingo because like it's important to her to be seen and have a little bit of a

attention. Yvonne might be open to that, but that's never what she says. What she says is that she wants to host bingo because it would be a great platform for her to hawk product for her MLM. Which everyone is always open to. Everyone's always open to it. This year, the product she's selling is an essential oils brand that we're going to call Megaya. Megaya.

That's M-E capital G-A-I-A. I've already bought Migaya's entire starting line.

I love this. These are the kind of products that you when you you get and you put them on your actual skin, it's just like a dabbing acid on yourself. Like there's nothing essential oily about it. It's just perfumed cleansers. Yeah, you're putting directly on your skin. I love it. Bonnie, get it. Bonnie is always using these oils. She's always like, you know, if she walks by, it's like, you know, when people used to wear Britney Spears fantasy, and so it would like linger in the air. It's like that, but like with lavender.

Right? She's always like putting peppermint on the kids when their muscles are sore. Bonnie's got arnica for bruises. She's that mom.

Yes. And every committee meeting because of this is like Yvonne's personal help because she's trying to plan casino night. And it's like a Migaya commercial, right? It's like Bonnie is like Migaya bingo, Migaya prizes, Migaya snacks, Migaya meeting next week, queen. Migaya is not a cult. Migaya is fun. Migaya get a special car. Bonnie, Migaya is not your lord and savior.

Also, we all know this, right? We all know we should be getting our essential oils from an old woman in a store in the back of a strip mall that looks like a shack. Where the essential oils are not labeled. She has to tell you what's in each bottle. Thank you. Yes. Thank you. This is where you should be getting your essential oils from, not from a branded content machine. Okay, so you have two options for who's going to host bingo. You have Raquel and

Wishes she was a comedian. You have Bonnie, Migaya. Who do you choose? I choose walking into traffic. But I also, with those two choices, I'm going to go with Raquel. Yes. Because Raquel puts in the time and the effort and at least it's a kind of...

It's a kind of cloying need to be seen that I don't jive with, but you can at least count on the event itself being more entertaining. Exactly. And so Yvonne is like, Bonnie, here's the deal. I'm going to ask Raquel to do it because like Raquel has a lot of experience and she's very good. And like, and Bonnie is like, but I have like a bunch of oils I could give away.

And Yvonne is like, a bucket of oils is not the same as like the $10,000 that my company gives on the condition that they get advertising out of this. We cannot have your me guy a bucket competing. And Bonnie's like, it's not a bucket. It is a really beautiful wooden case. Yeah.

That keeps your oils nice and makes them not affected by sunlight and you can carry them around. Again, has no one been to a Joanne's craft store? They cost a dollar, Bonnie. Get over it. Yvonne is like, no beautiful wooden case of Begaia oils is the same as 10K. Not even if you put gold flakes in every bottle. Yeah.

Bonnie is like annoying Yvonne so much the whole lead up to casino night. She's making her crazy. And like Yvonne wishes she could just kick her off the committee, which she technically could do. But the thing is, Bonnie's youngest child is still on the team and that child is the best player on the team. And so they can't kick her off because like they need her kid because he's the star. Yeah.

Oh, no. And I'm sure Bonnie has not thought of that at all. Mm-hmm. And is not going to use that and put that in her little quiver and pull it out later at all. And...

And Yvonne is also like, even though Bondi is going to be mad at me, like, she's going to talk about Miguia all night on the mic and ruin the vibes. And like, this is a fundraiser. Like, we need people to get smashed and have fun and donate money. Being annoyed and covered in lemon oil is not a way to raise money. Yes. And so Yvonne is like, yet again, Raquel will be hosting. Bondi, you are assigned to do concessions.

Bonnie hates this because you cannot sell essential oils with popcorn.

I gotta say, Yvonne is kind of my favorite person in this story right now. Yvonne's always thinking and always getting a little dig in. She's like, I know what's happening here. I can see down the line what is happening and I'm going to make this impossible for you to show your goods. It is almost time to go to Casino Night. Are you ready? I am so ready. ... ...

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Another reason that Yvonne thinks that Raquel should host bingo that I did not tell you about before is that casino night is held at Raquel's giant house.

Oh, Raquel probably has like a dry sauna. For sure she does. She's going to bring out some peacocks for the walk-in. Yeah. Like little peacock butlers. I love this. You might be thinking, why is this fancy Casino Night fundraiser being held at Raquel's house instead of, I don't know, an event space? A gym? Thank you for asking. That's because all of this is illegal. Oh!

In almost no states in America can you legally host a casino night that awards a cash prize. I love that they have been doing this for years at this point. Yeah.

In fact, in this state, you can only host a bingo event if you have a bingo license. And even then, you can only give out somewhere around like $2,000, $3,000 in total cash prizes. This is incredible. All of these people are implicated in a crime at this point. I love it. So that is why this is such a profitable fundraiser. Okay.

Like, what? We get to be criminals for a night. What's the problem? Yes. They're like, we're going gambling, baby. Like, it's the suburbs. We're doing illegal things. Everyone's doing crime and the crime is bingo. All right. They're sending themselves for failure on multiple levels and I can't wait. I want to be clear that the vibe amongst these parents is not like, ACAB, fuck the law. The vibe is like, ordinances don't apply to us. Yeah.

What do you mean laws? How do you feel at this point? Let's check in. I feel like we are looking at some Martin Shrikelli level little evil geniuses being born of this community of lawless parents.

I mean, things are going to happen that are going to be very bad for many people, I'm assuming. But I'm kind of enjoying this backstabby, like going into this event with so many personal issues. I think that...

loyalty is going to go out the window and reports might be made to certain lawful factions of our nation because someone was upset that they couldn't sell migaya all night but i i feel it i feel like all right rich people in a big house doing whatever they want that tracks in america yes and

Yvonne shows up to Raquel's house for casino night. She feels stressed. She's like, this is my big night. I got to make sure everything goes well. The place is done up, right? They've put down red carpet. There are crystal ashtrays everywhere, even though there's no smoking inside. There are waiters walking around. There's a DJ. There are tables to play blackjack and poker and roulette. People are paying for tickets to get in. They're paying for bingo cards. They're paying for the cash bar. They're paying for the

And they're paying for items from the silent auction. So this they're like basically printing cash, right? Like, also, I'm just remembering that the superintendent and the police chief's kids are on this team. Are they at this event? Just watching this happen? Okay, don't let me get too far ahead. But if they're there, I've got things to say. Okay.

This event is printing cash, which is good because they need it. Because for all the players and coaches and the parents to fly to Nashville, they need to make like 50K. Do you know how much money it costs me to buy my first three cars combined? Not like $12,000. I think I bought one of those cars with a rubber band and a promise to babysit. Yes. Like 50K.

is too much for a child to do any event. 50k is a down payment for a house in some places. Thank you so much!

I can't handle it. They're making so much money, right? But for the people attending, the only place you can make like real American dollars is at the final bingo event. Right. Because in the like twisted logic of like rich white people breaking laws, they're like, we're only breaking one law that way. The rest of this is just a house party. Yeah.

Raquel is there in her tux. Yvonne is wearing like a gown. Bonnie is wearing a gown. Coach is wearing a suit, but also a backwards baseball hat. The music is playing. People are arriving. Yvonne looks up. And who is it? Oh my God, it's the chief of police. The chief of police's name is irrelevant to us. We don't care. He's walking toward her. Yvonne is like, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Because every year they have the same problem. The problem is Raquel. The real reason that Yvonne even considered letting Bonnie host Bingo is that Raquel has been known to go rogue. And the police chief's kid, as you correctly remember, is on the vipers. So he obviously knows about Casino Night. Obviously he's coming to this fundraiser.

But he's like, due to my profession, I cannot see anyone win actual cash at this event. Right. Because that's how he's keeping it tight. Exactly. Oh, I didn't see it. I didn't see anything. I was there. I didn't see a thing. Exactly. So they have a little deal here where the chief of police comes. Everyone does all of their above board party stuff. They're buying bingo cards. They're winning like a sad pin prize.

And then the chief of police leaves. And then they do the big cash event. This is so sinister at its core. I told you you were going to hate it. None of these people should be wearing ball gowns and tuxedos. They should all be dressed like the scarecrow from Batman. Yeah.

Or like just pick a villain and dress as your favorite villain because this is so devious. This plan never works because every year Raquel fucks the plan because she's doing her bingo prizes, right? She's giving stuff out and she notices that people are getting bored at some point. And she's like, no one's having fun because they're winning like a stupid cup or like a weird framed photo or like ugly little figurines or like a coupon for half a massage or

And so to gain momentum, she does what he calls surprise round, where she offers all the cash in her wallet as the prize. And because Raquel is the kind of woman who like doesn't believe in banks, this could be anywhere from like 40 to 500 dollars. OK, so she's just like, let me just pull a gold bar out of my chooch and. Yeah.

But there's never any warning for the surprise round. Hints, surprise. And so every year the police chief sees this and he hates it because he's like, you told me that I wouldn't have to see any of this nonsense. I've just been implicated in a crime that could end my career. Yes. And this happens every year. Raquel is crazy.

Truly a nightmare, but also my kind of nightmare. Yes. Like I love hanging out with people like this who are anything you never know. You never know if they're going to ruin your life or enhance it. Exactly. So the chief of police comes up to Yvonne and he's like, listen up. We have this conversation every year. You're creating problems for me. Do not do the surprise round. You jeopardize me when you do it. Tell Raquel. And Yvonne is like,

don't worry i talked to raquel we had a whole conversation about it really you don't need to worry about this do you think that she should worry she should be so worried that she becomes a helicopter parent to raquel like do not leave this woman's side she's like let me just go remind raquel but then she gets distracted right the bar needs more ice the roulette wheel is stuck she's busy

And she's the only one working this event. Everyone else is getting drunk and gambling. Yes. The night is getting later. People are getting rowdier. The bartenders are doing their job very well. All this time, bingo rounds are being played for like shitty little prizes, right? You can hear Raquel's voice everywhere. You can hear her jokes. You can hear her laugh. You can hear her congratulate winners. You can hear her remind people to buy bingo cards, which means everyone can hear her when she's like,

I've noticed things are slowing down and the prizes aren't really getting anyone excited. And Yvonne's like, no, no, no, no, no. And she starts to make her way toward Raquel. And Raquel's like, so let's just make it a little more fun. And the whole crowd cheers. And she's like, attention, everyone. It's time for the surprise round. Okay. Yvonne's primary mistake is trying to wrangle Raquel. What she should have been doing is pushing the police chief out of the door with the force.

of a barricade. Like she, she should not be focused on Raquel at this point. Her goal should have been get the chief out of here. Yvonne's like, shit.

She starts to dart toward Raquel. But before she can like get there, the police chief is in front of her. And she's like, I'm so sorry. I told her not to do this. Like, I can't. I'm so sorry. And the police chief is like clearly drunk at this point. And he's like, you told me she wasn't going to do it. And like, since it's happening, I think that like you owe me a favor for this.

That's not how any of this works. Have you ever heard the story of like the scorpion and the alligator or whatever going across the river? You don't get a favor because someone who you knew was going to fuck up actually fucks up. Yvonne, of course, is like, yes, whatever, whatever you want to make this go away. And he's like,

And here is where you understand why the police chief is still always here, even though this is happening, is that the police chief's wife fucking loves to gamble. He's like, my wife wants to win the surprise round. We've come to this thing for 10 years. She's never won. She wants to win the surprise round. And Yvonne's like, your wife wants to win the surprise bingo round.

And the police chief is like, yes, my wife wants to win the surprise round. Meanwhile, his wife is like blowing past them like mommy's gonna win. She's brought some load. The only way to win bingo in that way to like force someone to win bingo is to just like load the balls with sand or something that you want to pick. So she's just throwing these like probably stunt balls in that cage.

Yeah, so this was going to be my question for you. It's like, the balls are already in the cage. Raquel is starting the surprise round. Famously, random numbers come out of the thing. There are random numbers on the card. Everyone has bingo cards. How do you know?

are you going to cheat here? I think she's going to have to rig the card or in some way just like, you know, change a three to an eight kind of situation. Because I don't know how else she's going to get her to win. And why is she putting herself in this position to begin with? Yvonne, you work at a Fortune 500 company probably.

Yvonne is like, I need someone to help me. Like, I can't go up on the stage right now and talk to Raquel. That will look very weird. Right. I need someone to help me. So she goes up to Bonnie and she's like, Bonnie, you got to help me. Raquel fucked up. And Bonnie is kind of smiling. Yeah, me Gaia is not your ally here. Me Gaia has been waiting for this ship to sink. Yvonne's like, the police chief is mad? Again? Yeah.

That Raquel did the surprise round again. And we need to throw this round in the police chief's wife's favor. And Bonnie's like, how? And Yvonne's like, great question. Here's what we're going to do. I'm going to stand behind the police chief's wife and look at her bingo card. And then I'm going to hold up the numbers that are on that card. And Raquel is going to call out those numbers.

I just stunned. She's stunting. She's stunting. Like that's the only way to do it. And Bonnie's like, got it. And Yvonne's like, okay, I need you to like, go tell Raquel. While she's saying this, Raquel's like 17.

And Yvonne's like, fuck, like that number is not on the police chief's card. She's like, go, like, go tell her. Raquel is still my favorite person. Body goes darting up to the stage. She whispers in Raquel's ear. Raquel winks. Yvonne holds up four fingers. Raquel is like, four. Four.

And Yvonne's like, great, perfect. Because the police chief's wife is like putting the little thing onto the floor. Yvonne is like, okay, it's time for another ball, right? The balls are coming out. Yvonne holds up this. Can you describe what I'm doing with my hands? So with one hand, you have peace fingers. And then you're holding up on the other hand, just your pointer finger. Yes. What number would you say this is? Three. Okay. Raquel looks

And Yvonne's hands, like with a puzzled face. And she goes, three? And Yvonne is like, no! Because she meant 21. Okay. See, I'm not getting that either. Because you can't rig bingo. This is one of the reasons why. Yvonne holds up a four and a five. Raquel's like, 45? And Yvonne's like, yes!

The police chief's wife now has three of her numbers covered in a row. They're like, great. Raquel gets the next one right. Four in a row. But when she does this, another voice is like, bingo! That first 17 came back. The bite of the ass! And Yvonne's like,

And on stage, Raquel like also looks unhappy because she realizes this has not worked at all. Bonnie now appears out of nowhere and is like, what are we going to do? The police chief is mad. And Yvonne's like, I know that the police chief is mad. Like I'm aware of what's going on here. Meanwhile, on the stage, Raquel is giving like two hundred and thirty two dollars out of her wallet to the middle school math teacher.

Who's going to use it to feed their children, probably? Bonnie's like, I know, I've got it. I can fix this. And Yvonne is like, please don't fix this. But Bonnie darts away and she crouches under a table and she emerges holding a beautiful, clearly very heavy box. She hops on the stage. She grabs the mic. She's like, oh my God, another surprise wrap.

she's like i have a beautiful box she opens the box do you know what's inside the box

It's essential oil. It's migaia. Yes. It's dozens of bottles of migaia and lotion and all sorts of stuff. And everyone leaves. No one's playing bingo anymore because nobody wants it. Yvonne is like, oh my God, this is a nightmare. And Raquel is now on stage being like, another surprise round. And the police chief does not look happy. You weren't even supposed to be doing the first

the first surprise round. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. No. Yvonne is like, goes to the police chief. He's like, she's like, I'm so sorry. I'm gonna stop her. Don't worry. And the police chief's wife is like, but I want the box. On stage, Raquel and Bonnie are fighting over the mic. It's squealing. People are like covering their ears.

Yvonne hops up there and is like, Raquel, we're doing the box. And Raquel's like, you said no box. And Yvonne's like, I changed my mind. And also you fucked up and the police chief is really mad. And Raquel's like, the police chief is drunk. He's mad every year. He doesn't care. And Yvonne's like, he does care. Do the box. He's also breaking the fucking law in front of our eyes. Yes. The man is unhinged in so many ways.

Upsettingly, as Bonnie takes the mic and begins to explain the box, she's like kind of charismatic and charming. And also everyone's drunk. And so everyone's like, I want the box. So Yvonne's like, perfect. Now we have to cheat again. I can't.

I can't believe how good of a saleswoman Bonnie appears in this moment. That she has drummed up this much enthusiasm for that box of oil. Yvonne's like, whatever, we gotta win the police chief this wife's box, right?

So she's doing her numbers, right? She's doing the numbers behind her head. And Raquel is like getting it, right? They get the police chief's wife, her B and her I and her N and her G. And when Raquel calls the O, the police chief's wife has like a beautiful diagonal line, right? And Yvonne is flooded with relief that lasts for like 14 seconds because from across the room, someone else yells bingo. Yeah.

The police chief's wife now yells bingo, but she's second. So she gets nothing. Oh, no. I sincerely hope this is one of those situations where every single bingo card is printed out the exact same way. Listen. Like no variation. Also, people have been buying bingo cards all night that they can then use at any time. Right. So it's like chaos.

The police chief is also mad. And he's like, my wife wanted to win and she didn't get to win. This is also a situation where I feel like this marriage is dubious. If you're working this hard to help this woman win a box of oils, what are you not doing for her in other ways that this has become the central focus of her happiness? Yes.

And Yvonne's like, you know, I really hate to bring this up. It's like not really great time to bring this up. But like, I do need you to leave pretty soon because we need to do the thing that you don't know about. Oh, my goodness. We need to do the thing that's going to actually get these kids to the soccer camp. And the police chief is like, why should I leave? Like you said that my wife would win. She didn't win. I had to see the surprise round again. Every year I see this. I never want to see it. What do you do?

You need to get, like, you need to do the big prize round because that's why everyone is here. It's also the advertising for your company. Like, you have to do it. I feel like this is a good chance to whisk everyone away to a Wendy's. Yeah.

And just do a secret round in the car. Like, you cannot keep this going at Raquel's house. It is not working out. There's also an option here of just, like, forcing the police chief out, right? Yeah, well, this is your other option. Drive him, right? Manhandle the police chief? Right. Who is already angry. We know how that works out. That combination does not work out well for anybody. Yvonne goes to Bonnie and is like, Bonnie.

do you have another of those boxes? And Bonnie's like, yes, of course I have another box. I have so many of the boxes. And Yvonne's like, that's so great. Can you give one of those boxes to the police chief's wife, please? Because she also won this bingo round. And Bonnie's like, I can't just give it to her. The boxes are worth $800. Oh, one. That's what she thinks. We all know they're worth $20. Watered down pine salt. Yeah.

You're Yvonne. Do you buy the box? Absolutely. Buy the box? What am I, Scrooge McDuck? No, we're trying to earn money. We're trying to raise money for people. If I had $800, I'd just give it to these kids. I'm not buying anything. Let the chief buy the box. Yvonne is like, you're going to make me pay $800 to buy this box from you to give it to the police chief? And Bonnie's like, or...

I get to host next year. Yes, Bonnie, yes! Again, she is an unhinged disciple. And Yvonne is like, oh my god, fine! Like, give me the box! Bear Mins, there's not going to be a surprise round next year, okay? She takes the box, she gives it to the police chief, the police chief leaves. They get to do the 10k round together.

Everyone is happy except for Yvonne who wants to die. We are almost at the end. How do you feel? Whose side are you on? I have come so full circle on being on Bonnie's side. And this is what happened last time I was on too. Like Bonnie's going to be the worst. She's going to nightmare. No, Bonnie played this exactly the way she should have played this. Because Raquel is always going to be surprised rounding it. That's her life. That's how she is. And Yvonne really...

is stressed out by her job here and should just maybe take a year off. Like, let her company not donate for a year or donate and have somebody else come in and do this event. Bonnie's playing it well. She's getting everything she wants.

She brought the coach in. Her kid is a star of the team. They could have rectified all of this by having one little award. You know, Bonnie would have loved one little award, one little piece of paper that says, Bonnie, you're the best. One little chance to speak on mic.

That's it. That's all just as a treat. They could have nipped this in the bud with just a little bit of attention. But now what they've done is they've created a fucking monster. And Bonnie is going to grab the reins and never let go. And I'm glad for that for her. Yeah, she did it. I do have some final updates for you, which is that this was the last casino night. Yeah.

They always get them in the end! Oh, Bonnie! Oh, God. The next year they did a talent show, which they did let Bonnie emcee because of their agreement, and at which she talked about Mikaia the whole time, and also at which Raquel won with her stand-up routine. Yeah.

Incredible all around. So the feud continues. The Vipers did win their championship. Congrats to them, I guess. And the final update I have for you is that the police chief took his wife to Monte Carlo for their anniversary, but she did not win. What is wrong with this man? This is the most delusional person in this nation. You take...

your gambling addicted wife to the absolute capital of gambling as a treat as a treat and you think that anyone wins in a big way at any of these you could have taken her to the bingo hall or the casino down the street she would have lost just as much money she has a woman has a problem you should have been taking her to rehab take care of your family sir take her to rehab

Did the kids ever get to this camp? They got to go to the camp. Don't worry. They went to the camp. Oh, my goodness. At least we're raising another generation of these absolute psychopaths who are too invested in their children's lives. Because again, all of this because kids were playing soccer. All of this. All of this.

to send some 12 year olds to soccer camp. Lives ruined, friendships demolished. Police chiefs corrupted. Chiefs corrupted. Gambling addictions intensified. I think we have to go to soccer camp. We did it. Danielle, thank you so much for coming on the show. It was a delight to have you. Thank you so much for having me. I will come back any time.

Thank you for listening to Normal Gossip. If you have a gossip story to share with us, email us at normalgossip at defector.com or you can leave us a voicemail at 2679GOSSIP. If you love this podcast and want to support us, become a friend or a friend of a friend at supportnormalgossip.com. You can follow the show on Instagram and TikTok at normalgossip.

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