Emotional Support Fruits with Samantha Irby
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Hello, and welcome to Normal Gossip. I'm Kelsey McKinney, and in each episode of this podcast, we're going to bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world.

Today, I have a very exciting little announcement from me. I am going to go on book tour. My book about gossip, You Didn't Hear This From Me, Mostly True Notes on Gossip, comes out February 11th, 2025, and I'm going to be hitting a bunch of cities with a sexy new show that I promise will not be boring. I'm going to tell a gossip story. We're going to break down how we talk about gossip, and I'm going to have exciting guests and who knows what else. So, let's get started.

You can get tickets right now at kelseymckinneybook.com. And I cannot wait to see all of you in the new year. Okay, enough business. Please welcome back to the show, Samantha Irby. Samantha Irby is a writer whose work you can find on the internet. She's the best-selling author of many books, and you can find her posting good memes on Instagram at atbitchesgoteate. Sam, welcome back to the show.

Hi, Kelsey. I'm so excited to be here. I can't wait to hear somebody's anonymous business. I'm so happy you're here. If you're a fan of the podcast, you probably remember Sam from Righteous Lesbian Energy, Season 3, Episode 1, Thrilling, TBT. You know, there are some people who are turning this off right now. They're like, her. Get me out of here. Again. Click. Click.

I'm so excited you're here because the two of us are yappers. We love to yap. Yes. Sam, since the last time you were here, has anything changed about your relationship with gossip? Other than not having enough of it? No. I will say there is a thing about getting older. Like I'm 44. Yeah.

I get worried, right? Like someone tells me like, you know, she went on a date with this guy who blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, oh my God, is it okay? Was he okay? Was she okay? And it's like, I can't revel in the mess because I'm busy like trying to scrounge up bail money or something. You're sympathizing too much. Yes.

Yeah. My feelings are hurt. I'm like too old to hear gossip about people I know. But I do love like celebrity gossip. Like I just it doesn't have to be true. It doesn't have to be right. I don't need to tell anyone about it. I just love to hear what people are talking about. Is it that the celebrities are like far enough removed from you that you don't have to feel worried about them? And they.

And they have like the money to fix the problem. Right. It's like, oh, something bad happened to you? Hire crisis PR. Yes. Yes. Like everybody was talking about that like guy who shit at Gwyneth Paltrow's house. Have you heard that? You heard that. Yes. Yes.

I'm obsessed with I love it too. For people who may or may not have been paying attention. Can you recap that drama really quick? Oh, yeah. So as far as I understand it, this could be wrong, everyone. I am not. And that is how celebrity gossip works. I am not the news.

She lent her friend her beautiful Montecito, Oprah kind of house. And he had a poop accident. And what I heard was it was up the walls and dripping from the ceiling fan and on every fixture. And then he just kind of snuck out.

Of the house. And left the mess behind. And then Gwyneth. Who I love her. I mean I love that bitch. She upon hearing.

being notified by her staff then like started telling other celebrities and the story got passed around he's rich he's fine he could deal with it yeah but if it was like you or me i would be like in tears like oh my god we gotta smuggle kelsey out of the country so

And I appreciate that you would be willing to do that to put me into the weird underbelly of a ship and get me out of here. I would. Speaking of stories, I was told that you brought a gossip for me. Is that true? I do have a non-celebrity gossip. Should I say who it is or should I anonymize? I think you should anonymize. Safety first. Okay.

A person. Great. Incredible. Found a sibling on 23andMe. They've been on 23andMe for forever. Forever.

And like nothing had come up, you know, like a great, great, great, great, great aunt here, like just like super distant relatives. And then they recently were notified of a sibling in the same town. No. So they reached out and contacted that sibling, which to me was,

I would never. I just would be like, it's interesting to know that my father has other children. I'd be like, that's a layer to him that I didn't know about. But this person didn't have a relationship with the father. So this sibling was like a bridge to the father. They reached out, made contact.

Had conversation. And, like, the sibling was really receptive. That's wild. So they, like, developed a rapport with the sibling and, like, a relationship. And then the sibling says, we are having a family reunion today.

Would you like to come? This is incredible to me because it's like, technically, yes, this person is your family. Like we're having a family reunion. Technically, but not really. So in some ways you're like, I've brought a live bomb to the family reunion. And it was going to be a surprise. No. It was presented like, hey, I'm not going to tell anybody, but what if I bring you as my guest? Yes.

And you're just like, hey, new sibling alert. No, in my opinion, no. Also, I forgot this bit of texture. These people are above the age of 50. Oh. Yes. So you're bringing like many, many years worth of baggage and hurt feelings and slights.

And so the reunion has not happened yet, but they're going. This is one of my favorite things to do is like, have you ever been to a wedding where you don't really know that many people? But you have someone who can like tell you everything. Who's that? Who's that? Who they sleep with? Yeah. I'm like, I love that. Right. Like I'm like, I love to learn every bit of a family dynamic in like one sitting. Yes.

But I don't love the idea of doing that with a family that's technically mine, right? Like, okay, so I'm forced to now learn all of these things about these people who are related to me, question mark, right? Like, that's very concerning. Yeah.

What if the father didn't know? Like, you don't know any of the circumstances surrounding, like, why you didn't have a relationship with him and why he sired a huge family that's having a family reunion that you're not a part of. Why find all that out? Is the father still alive? Yes. Oh, my God. I think it is so...

But also there's a part of me that's like, can I go? Yeah. I'm willing to go. Like if this person needs a date, I'm available to go to this reunion because it seems fun. I'm like, what kind of food will they be having? Because. Okay. Okay. I've derailed us long enough. Do you want to hear this story that I have for you? I absolutely would.

♪♪

Okay, so our friend of a friend today, we're going to call him Eli. Okay. Eli lives on the West Coast in a big city with his boyfriend Thomas. They've been dating for like three years. They live together. Eli loves Thomas so much. They're like two best friends who get to kiss, right? But one thing he doesn't love about Thomas is that he is so afraid.

Thomas is like the cowardly lion. Okay, this is very relatable to me. Yeah, here's some things Thomas is afraid of. Thomas is afraid of bugs. He's afraid of thumps in the night. He's afraid of deer. He's afraid of going upstairs because what if he falls? He's afraid of making a fool of himself. He's afraid of big bodies of water. He's afraid of any movie that has a scary soundtrack. And he's afraid of tall martini glasses because he doesn't want to spill them. Okay.

Okay, I'm not afraid of that many things. But again, I see his point. Deep down, Eli is like, I do kind of like this about Thomas too, right? Like, I love him so much that I love that he's a big scaredy cat because like, then I get to be like the big, brave, strong one. Like, I like making my boyfriend feel good and safe.

Which of these men do you feel more like? I am definitely the Thomas. I definitely want to be saved from everything all the time. Our story takes place in June. It's Pride Month. It's hot out. People are out. Oh.

It's also a full moon. So people are going, they're wilding out, right? It's like, we're having fun. Everything's great. And Thomas decides, he's like, I want to have like a little backyard barbecue. I want to invite our friends over. I want people to like eat hamburgers outside. Love that. Very Americana. Yes. And Eli is like,

I love this idea. Great idea. But in the back of his head, he's like, I also love Thomas and I am like a little concerned about him because I know that he is an anxious guy. Yeah. Right. He's worried about bugs. He has like social anxiety. So he's like, even though this whole day is Thomas's idea, I'm going to try and set him up for success.

That's very nice. It's so nice. He gets bug spray. He gets a citronella candle. He like makes sure Thomas's favorite shirt is clean. He invites over like their favorite friends early so that like they'll everyone will be feeling good.

And this works great. Thomas is feeling great. Eli's feeling great. Their friends are feeling great. All of the anti-bug propaganda machines are in full force. Perfect. Thomas is grilling burgers. People are gossiping. People are milling about. The sun is starting to go down. So people are like sitting to eat. When one of their friends points up to a tree and is like, uh, what's that?

And Eli looks up. What? I'm just like braced for whatever it is. Eli looks up and there's a shadow in the tree. It's like not a big shadow. Like it's a little small to be a squirrel, but it's like hopping from branch to branch. So it's like not a mouse. Right. And he's like, what is that? And as they're all looking at this little thing, it begins to come down. No. No.

from the tree it's flying kind of um it's like more like drifting falling okay oh no okay and eli looks over at thomas and thomas is panicking yes thomas stands up and eli is like i'm so brave that even though i do am a little afraid of this i'm gonna put myself between thomas and this drifting thing that is so that is that's love that's true love he watches the shadow like drift down

People scatter. And then this thing lands on the table. And Eli feels like, you know when you get really scared and the terror like starts in your stomach? He's like that. He's like, should I run? Oh my God.

He's like, this thing is sitting on the table next to my beautiful tomato salad. And this is very bad because I'm super afraid and I'm supposed to be the not afraid one. Where's Thomas like crouched under the grill? Thomas is like behind him, like peeking over his shoulder. And he's like, he's like, what is it? I'm going to show you a photo now. Okay. This is what's sitting on the table.

Oh, no. Mm-mm. Can you describe what you're seeing? It is a pale-faced, bug-eyed creature with a bright red nose and, like, rodent-y kind of hands. And by hands, I mean claws. I'm sorry. Um...

It's small, but it's got kind of a chunky tail. I mean, it's in the abstract. It's very cute. It's got like little stripes on its head. It looks very cute. But if one fell anywhere near me, I would have a heart attack. Do you know what this is? No. Eli and Thomas also do not know what this is. They're like, what is that? I almost...

Like they're in America, right? Yes. I almost said, are they in Australia? Okay. Okay. Why did you ask if they're in Australia? Because it looks like an Australian kind of thing. I'm profiling. Okay. So your instinct is right. Oh my God. There's like one girl at this party who is like, you know, there's like girls that are like creature girls and they like know every creature that exists. And this girl is like, oh my God, it's a sugar glider.

Oh, what? Sugar gliders are like literally related to possums, but they can like fly kind of like they can like stretch out their legs and then they can glide around. Absolutely not. They have these like huge dark eyes. Insect like I think you said. And no one at this party has ever seen one because they are in fact native to Australia. I'm terrified for where this is going to go.

Eli and Thomas are like, nar, like we don't live in Australia. Nar, mate. Oh my God. And their friend is like, well, it must be someone's pet. Like they don't live here. And Eli is like, really? Like people keep this in their house? It's like, it's like a bat. Yeah. That's what I thought it might be at first. Like before I saw the picture, I was like, is it a dying bat?

Eli is also like so afraid, which is creating like a personal crisis because he's like, I'm the brave one. And to add insult to injury, Thomas is not afraid of this thing. Thomas magically is like, oh, my God, look at her. He like steps forward. He picks the sugar glider up. He puts it on his shoulder and it like nuzzles into his neck. What? What?

Okay, not to be this guy, but I worked in an animal hospital for 15 years. Don't touch somebody's wild. They can bite you. You can get things. You do not want to have to do a rabies protocol. It's very painful. Thomas is like, she's someone's pet. Like,

It's fine. She's socialized. He has this little sugar glider on his shoulder. Everyone at this party, now that the sugar glider has been removed from the table and is appearing to be nice, is now happy. They're all like, oh my God, it's so cute. Right? They're like taking photos. They're posting to Instagram stories. Everyone's expecting that at some point the sugar glider will leave, but it does not.

Their friends start leaving. It's like starting to get dark. There's like no one left. And Thomas turns to Eli and is like, I think we should take her inside for the night. You're Eli. You are scared of this thing. You're like, I don't know what sugar gliders are. What? What do you do here?

First, I'd want to be encouraging. So I'd say something positive like, wow, I can't believe that a dude who can't hold a martini glass can...

cuddle a sugar glider. I'm so proud of you. That's beautiful. And then I would call animal control. You know, all you hear about is like invasive species and disease this and disease that. I don't want to be the person who like brought

disease to the West Coast. I love that you're thinking like really practically, like how could this impact the environment? What is this sugar glider doing? Eli is thinking like intense fear. He is not thinking. He's like, I love that you're being like that you love the sugar glider. But like to me, this feels like bringing a squirrel into our house. Yes, yes, yes.

That part, a wild, unpredictable animal that you are not familiar with should not be in your home. The sugar glider is like looking up very angelically, right? Like it's so cozy in Thomas's neck. And now we're about to have like COVID three or whatever from this sugar glider. Thomas is like, well, can we just bring it in while we figure out what to do with it? And Eli's like,

You know what? Whatever. Sure. So Thomas comes inside. The sugar glider is still on his shoulder. He's like doing dishes. Eli is like, you know what? Now that the sugar glider is inside, I actually regret agreeing that it could come in here. I think we should let it back outside. It's wild and it doesn't belong here. Eli is like panicking. He's freaking out. And Thomas is like, is there like something else wrong?

Sam, are you irrationally afraid of anything? I have one huge irrational fear that has followed me into adulthood. And like, I could cry thinking about it.

I haven't even written about it, I don't think, because it bothers me so much. So I'm telling the world my big secret. And it's inexplicable other than it has something to do with the OCD, but...

I cannot handle loose change. Oh, I can't see it. I can't hear it jingling. I can't know that there is like loose change in the house.

This is where everyone's like, oh, this person is insane. You are so lucky that tap to pay exists. Yes. The digital revolution has really like. Has cured you. Let me. Okay. Let me tell you a very quick just to show you the magnitude of the fear. I was going through a toll once.

Oh, no. When I go to Chicago, I take the Skyway. It costs a billion dollars, but it's worth it and it's fast. I once was going through a $1.20 toll. No. And this was before the machine took cards. And I only had a $20 bill. No, no.

And I put the 20 in and the machine started shooting change at me and I drove the fuck off. I left $18 worth of quarters there.

in the machine because I couldn't touch it. That makes sense to me. The thing about childhood fears is they're not rational. Yeah. Right. Like you develop some fear and then it's just here. Yeah. Right. Like for me, I saw the movie E.T. too young. So now I'm afraid of it. I'm like, I'm afraid of aliens. I don't like that. Right. Like that's not for me. Yes. Yes. Alex, for example, told me that she was afraid of Abraham Lincoln's ghost.

Because she, like, once heard a story about the Lincoln bedroom and was like, oh, old Abe is going to get me. See, those are at least interesting fears. Mine is like...

Like, are you dumb? Like, what's wrong with you? Okay, but Alex and I are also unlikely to encounter aliens and Abraham Lincoln. No, that's true. So you're in bigger trouble. And I have worked in retail. So. Oh my gosh. You're braver than the truth. Nightmare. Nightmare.

Mayor. Oh, my God. For Eli, this childhood fear is very specific. Do you remember the 1997 animated movie Anastasia? I think so. Okay. In case you've forgotten, Anastasia came out in the weird era where every other company was competing with like Disney movies to create animated movies. Mm-hmm.

It is a movie about the Romanovs, which is hilarious. Like who made this movie for children about like a very violent Russian history event. And Anastasia is running away from Rasputin, who's trying to kill her and her whole family. Okay. Yes.

And in the movie, she hits her head, develops amnesia, and then is living in an orphanage. Oh, I certainly did not see this movie, but this sounds very familiar to me. The point of the movie is that Rasputin wants Anastasia dead. But Rasputin is also dead because in the movie he like falls through ice or something. And he has a little pal who is a bat named Bartok.

Oh, okay. Who I will show you a photo of. Please. Okay. Can you describe what you're seeing here? I mean, frankly, he's adorable. He is a cream colored bat with big ears, big pink ears, enormous eyes.

And a little, like, snout and tiny little teeth. I mean, he looks adorable. And he looks very similar to the sugar glider that you showed me before. So there is one scene in Anastasia where Bartok gets, like, drug into purgatory to meet the dead rescue. Oh, my God. This is a movie for children? Yeah.

Yes. And this scared Eli. He hated it. So for years, he had nightmares about Bartok. Bartok was like the villain in all of his dreams. And he was like pulled through dream purgatory his whole childhood. Oh, my God. His skeleton probably jumped out of his body seeing the physical miracles.

manifestation of his nightmares fall out of the sky onto his patio furniture like get out of here so this is the explanation for why Eli is so afraid despite Eli being like the brave one

As an adult, his fear of Bartok transitioned into just a fear of all bats. Okay. Yep. Because when he was a teen, he found out that bats can carry rabies. And that even if you wake up in the same room as a bat and there is a chance it has bitten, you have to go through the whole rabies protocol, which is like four shots in two weeks to make sure you don't go all yellow mode.

Old yeller mode, you idiot. Thank you. Thank you so much. So Eli is like, I've decided that even though this started as an irrational childhood fear, I actually think it's justified. I think I'm right. Yeah, he is. And Thomas obviously knows that Eli is afraid of bats, right? This is something they've discussed. It's his one fear. Yeah.

But Thomas did not consider that like the sugar glider doesn't really look like a bat, but it does look like Bartok, which is the root of the fear. I feel like if you're a scaredy cat, as am I, you should be even more sensitive to other people's fears. Because like...

If your man is running around clearing every martini glass out of the way and like carrying you upstairs because you're afraid, you don't think you could like be like, no, I get it, brother. Like, this is crazy to me. A complicating factor here is that Thomas is like

kind of like a disney princess okay in that like all animals love him and he like loves animals and so he's like this is like my dream right the like sugar glider has appeared out of the air it's nestled in my little no i can be its savior oh thomas i mean i get it i get it

Snow White, like he wants to train it to make his bed. Exactly. It can glide. It could bring you stuff. Eli is like, Thomas, here's the thing. I'm afraid of the sugar glider because it looks like Bartok to me. Yeah.

And Thomas like looks at the sugar glider and he's like, oh, no, like I can I can see that. I see that you're afraid. Like, I'm so sorry. I don't want you to feel that way. But also, this is not a bat. It's not a bat. Like, let's look at it a little closer. It's soft. He's like, look how cozy the sugar glider is. Eli's like, I get it, but I want it out of my house. And Thomas is like, yes, I also want it to go home. Mm hmm.

He's like, but we cannot just put her back outside. Like, she's just a baby. And Eli's like, you don't know that she's just a baby. And Thomas is like, yes, I do. She's a baby. And Eli's like, you don't even know that she's a girl. Like, you don't know anything about her. She's a stranger who you've let into our house who is potentially disease ridden. Correct. And Thomas is like, look, I get it, man. But like, I don't know what else to do.

You go outside with her then. You both sleep outside. How about that? At this point, our boys are like, let's call the animal shelter. They call the animal shelter. They're like, we have discovered a sugar glider. It's at our house. What do we do? And the shelter is like, man, we are way over capacity. Like we have a gajillion dogs. We have no one to work here. This is not our problem. Like we can't help you.

And Eli is like, okay, well, what do you like recommend I do? And they're like, well, if you're like sure it's a pet, there's like a semi-official lost and found pets Facebook group. Oh. That you can post to.

Oh, the magic words Facebook group. I'm ready. We know what happens when you go to Facebook on this show. You can't go there. Never go to Facebook. No. Just let the sugar glider poison you before you turn to Facebook.

Yeah. Pick your dangerous wild animal. Or sugar glider. I'll take my chances with the sugar glider.

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So they go to that group. It's like city colon lost and found pets, right? This group has 75,000 members. If you click on something and you see 75,000 other people are there, just click off. That's never going to be good. There's nothing you could say on a stage to 75,000 people that would not ruin your life. Oh.

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. They do not care. Eli is like, I want this out of my house. He takes a cute photo of the sugar glider, like right next to Thomas's face. Thomas and the sugar glider look happy. It's like portrait mode. Adorable. Right. So cute. Portrait mode. They're like, we found a sugar glider. Like, please let us know if this is yours.

They post it. Thomas is like, I also have an idea. There's a neighborhood listserv that has like daily and monthly emails. It like helps people find lost things. And there's a lot of people on the neighborhood newsletter who like are not on Facebook. So Thomas posts the same pic and the same info. At this point, it's about like 11 p.m.

And the sugar glider is waking up because it turns out that sugar gliders are nocturnal. Kelsey, come on now. I'm sorry. But the sugar glider is, in fact, waking up. It's flitting around. It's like looking at stuff. It's being crazy. It's like a bad cat if a bad cat could fly. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

That's the okay. That's the perfect description. I know exactly what that means. Get out. Eli is like, this is exactly what I thought it would be like. It's like bringing a squirrel inside. Like we have made a huge mistake. And Thomas is like, she's hungry. And Eli is like, how do you know she's hungry? And Thomas is like, I can just tell.

So now they have to Google. They Google. They're like, sugar gliders eat what? According to a website I went to called thepetglider.com, sugar gliders prefer to eat tree sap, insects, especially frozen crickets. Oh, well, I'm short circuiting over here. Oh, my God. But now we have a problem because Thomas is afraid of insects and frozen crickets and

And like Eli is too afraid to feed those things to the sugar glider. And also that is irrelevant because they don't have crickets and they don't know how to catch them. Yeah. Thomas is like, isn't there something else we can feed her? And the next things on the list are fruits. Okay. Just fruits in all caps. Okay.

And so they're like, perfect, except that they've used all their fruits for this like cute little barbecue. And so the only fruits left are the fruits for Eli's like emotional support Monday morning smoothie. Yeah.

Okay. Oh, my God. I love this so much. And Thomas is like, I'm so sorry, but like she needs to eat. And Eli is like, I do not wish to share my fruits with her. And Thomas is like, Eli, please. Like it's Saturday. You don't need the fruits till Monday. We can get you more fruits tomorrow. And Eli's like, we don't even know if it's hungry. Yeah.

Like, it's not, we have no idea if it's hungry. And Thomas is like, wouldn't you be hungry if you'd been away from your home for hours and scared? And Eli's like, I am scared. Yeah.

Meanwhile, the sugar glider is just like flitting back and forth. Right. I would pop open a can of dog food and be like, OK, you do what you can with this. Good luck, babe. Until the city can come pick your ass. Thomas is like, maybe if she eats, she'll calm down a little. And Eli's like, you know what? I would like her calm down a little. So like, sure. Whatever.

Thomas feeds the sugar glider Eli's emotional support smoothie fruits. Eli watches it with like its little claws and its long, thick tail. And he's like, I'm so scared. I'm with you, Eli. The sugar glider, though, seems very happy having eaten these fruits. It plays with the dog. It plays with Thomas. It does not calm down. In fact, being fed makes it like a little more confident. Yeah.

Eli is like, this is literally my nightmare. Like, this is so bad. And Thomas is like, I think this is good. Like, the sugar glider is, like, feeling a little more comfortable. Like, it's going to be okay. Either way, they need to, like, stop talking about the sugar glider because it's midnight and they need to go to sleep. Do you let the sugar glider sleep in your room with you? I don't let it sleep in my home. I would

at the Department of Agriculture sleeping in the waiting room. Yeah, I would be asleep in my car out front with that thing in a shoebox with holes poked in it. I would not know in my room. Oh my God. I'm just picturing it. It would be Derek Glassberging up my sheets. No way.

Eli is like, absolutely not. He's like, I want the sugar glider away from me while I am asleep. He's like, so what if we like took our toothbrushes out of the bathroom and we put it in there? Yeah.

And Thomas is like, I don't want to lock it in a cold, bright, terrible place. Is this what like having empathy is? Because if so, I have none. It's a wild creature. I think the bathroom will be OK for an evening. Eli is like, OK, what if we like close the door and it just stays like in the living room kitchen area?

And Thomas is like, yeah, that seems great. I love that. Oh, my God. They do this. They go to bed. Eli has nightmares about Bartok dragging him through purgatory. Of course. He has nightmares that Bartok is sitting on Thomas's shoulder and that now Thomas is in love with Bartok and is leaving him. Oh, God, poor Eli. He wakes up after Thomas and he comes downstairs and the sugar glider is like already nestled into Thomas's shoulder.

oh eli is like i hate this thing with you brother i hate it too oh my god i was like looking at him looking at thomas forced to look at the sugar glider because their like faces are so close together and he's like it has these like tiny creepy pink fingers and like each finger is like tipped with a claw that's like a miniature knife like i don't i don't like this

Yes. Little tiny pink razor fingers. And then Eli is like, what? What is that smell? And Thomas is like, what smell? And Eli's like, it smells weird down here. The sugar glider has marked the downstairs. You've got to be kidding me. You have got to be kidding me. Thomas is like, does this mean she's sick?

He Googles. It's like, no, if a sugar glider is marking things, it means it feels comfortable. Thomas is like,

Then Thomas is like, oh my God, Bon Bon is a boy. Bon Bon. He named it. Oh no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. I'm going to get everything that scares Thomas and just pile it up. I'm going to get a large body of water. I'm going to get martini glasses. I'm going to get everything he hates and be like, listen, we've gone too far. Yeah.

thing in a box and we're taking it somewhere bon bon bon

I mean, that is a cute ass name, but we're not naming wild animals that don't belong to us. Yes, you're locked in. Like, this is exactly what's happening. And Eli is like, how did you name him Bon Bon? And Thomas is like, well, I named him Bon Bon back when he was a girl. I thought it was cute. And Eli's like, how do you know that he's not a girl? And Thomas is like, well, on this site, it says that only male sugar gliders mark their homes.

And Eli's like, so he's been peeing all over our house. And Thomas is like, he's been peeing all over our home. Yes. We got to get a divorce. We have to break up.

We are incompatible. I'm so sorry. You and Bon Bon can live wherever you guys want. We are over. Love you, but no. He can't use a litter box or whatever. Absolutely not. Eli's like, have fun downstairs with Bon Bon. I'm going upstairs to see if anyone has claimed this pet.

Oh, God, I forgot about the Facebook group of it all. He opens his laptop. He's like, please, gods of Facebook, bring Bon Bon's mother home. Like, please. He opens it. There are thousands of comments. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. They come in four types. I will now read them to you and you can respond to each of them. The first type is a comment like, oh, what a sweet baby. What a precious angel.

Psychotic. The second type of comment is like, if no one can take care of this beautiful, precious, sweet angel, I will just DM and I'll give him a beautiful home and life. Great. I'm sending a DM immediately.

The third type is like, how exactly are you caring for this beautiful, precious angel? Like, did you even bring the sugar glider inside? Are you giving it only distilled water? Like, is your house exactly 80 degrees? It needs to be 80 degrees. Now, that's what I anticipated people saying.

And I would have to be like, get bent. We are trying to find its owner. I don't need a sugar glider parenting class. I need somebody to come get this bitch from my house. Yes. Eli is also like, over my dead body, am I making my house 80 degrees? Oh, seriously? No.

The fourth type of comment is like sugar gliders are actually bonding pets like they cannot be alone. You need to find the real owner of the sugar glider because like no matter how much you play with them, they will not be happy unless another sugar glider is there. Okay. Again, a scientific fact.

I did not ask for and do not need because I'm not going to pay attention to it. I would like it away from me. Do you know the lady who has its mate? Please get her. Yes. There are also comments that are like, sugar gliders are illegal. And Eli is like, oh my God, like none of this is helping me. Yeah.

Bitch, I'm not Tiger King. I'm trying to find out who it belongs to.

Get out of here. Help me. Don't yell at me. Help me. I would do anything to not be a sugar glider. Like, please. I didn't ask you how to get around import laws. I want to find the person who broke that law and give them their problem back. Please. Eli explains all of this to Thomas and Thomas is like, oh my God, that's so, I can't believe it. Like I thought for sure this was going to work. Like it would.

would make sense that it would work. Like, aren't you looking for your pet? And he also is like, it's sad that like the sugar glider is an orphan with amnesia, just like Anastasia. Like we have to find his family. And Eli's Rasputin. Yeah, literally Eli's Rasputin. Thomas is like, okay, okay, let me check the neighborhood listserv and see if like anything's happening in there because he also posted over there.

The vibes are like a little bit different over there in that the vibes in the newsletter are like very horny for Thomas. Like they're like, what a beautiful sugar glider. His friend's not bad either. Hey, I forgot it's pride month. So everybody's horny is turned up. They're like, what a smart sugar glider landing on the handsome shoulder of a man with beautiful eyes. Please, people.

I mean, shoot your shot always, I guess. I guess. I'd fuck you if you told me where to take this sugar glider. That's not my house. Exactly. The comments are like, I'd sugar your glider. And DMs open.

I mean, yes, but also could you get this creature out of here? All day it is like this. Like Eli goes to check on Thomas. Thomas is like, there's nothing on the listserv except for horny comments. Eli's like, there's nothing on the Facebook group except for people yelling at you. Yes, yes.

Finally, that evening, a comment appears that's like, oh my God, my precious baby, my angel, like this is my sugar glider. Please DM me. Eli's like, great. He DMs her. He's like, we have him. She's like, oh, thank God.

She's like, I lost him this weekend because I drove to my sister's house who's on this street. This is the name of the street that she says is the name of the street that Eli and Thomas live on. So Eli is like, that makes sense. Yes. And this woman is like, and when we went to get in my car, he escaped. And Eli's like, great. I don't care. Yeah. Get how soon can you be here? And she's like, oh, I would love to come get him. But like, I don't have a car. Can you bring him to me?

Eli's like, where do you live? And she's like 45 minutes away. Can you see anything wrong here? Do you want to drive the sugar glider 45 minutes away? No. Being trapped in a small enclosed space with a creature who is terrifying to you that you can't control that has the capability to like

thrash itself around your entire car while also spraying noxious urine all over it no and whose belly is full of your emotional support acai berries or whatever it is no i do not want to do that

Eli is like, I see no problem here. Let's let's go like load up the sugar glider. It's time to leave. And then he like explains all of this to Thomas. And Thomas is like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. She said that she came to visit her sister on our street and that she lost Bon Bon when she was getting into her car. How does she not have a car?

Thomas, you better call Nancy Drew and you guys can work that out. I'm taking this bad boy back to his mama. She borrowed a car. Her car's in the shop. Who cares, Thomas? He has to go. Eli's like, that doesn't really seem like my problem at all. Also, why would she lie? And Thomas is like, Bon Bon's really cute. And Eli's like, is that enough of a reason to lie? Yeah.

And Thomas is like, well, how much are sugar gliders worth? They Google. Sugar glider babies can cost anywhere from $300 to $1,500. And you need two. So you need $3,000 worth of sugar gliders.

And in Googling buy sugar glider, they have learned that the Facebook posters were right. You cannot buy sugar gliders in the state that they live in. You have to go to another state. So there is like two incentives to steal the sugar glider. Okay. I don't know that I would care. Okay.

I just want this off my conscience and out of my home. Have fun with your new mom. Nice to know you, Bon Bon. Hope she's not a murderer. And there's like another problem, which is, do you know about the other folder on Facebook? Oh, like the one where...

like unsanctioned harassment messages go. Yes. Thomas is like, well, did you check the other folder? Like maybe his real mom is in there. Like, I don't think this woman is his mom. And Eli looks in there and there are dozens of people that are like, that's my sugar glider. Oh God. Oh my God. This is why you can't do anything nice. You keep your head down and don't do anything.

nice. If you find some wild shit, you call the Department of Agriculture and you wipe your hands of it. I would have been in bed by 9 o'clock the night before not even thinking about that thing. Goodbye. Goodbye. Good riddance. So Eli's like,

trying to rack his brain, right? He's like, the sugar glider can't be all of theirs. And he's like, what are the options for like figuring out whose sugar glider it is, right? Like you can't go like King Solomon hours and like say you're going to split a sugar glider in 20 pieces, right? Like that's not going to work. So he's like, maybe we could play a game where we like invite all these people over and we put the sugar glider on a perch and we let it like fly to its true love.

You know, it's like Bachelor or something. And then he's like, no, we can't do that because one, I don't want 12 people at my house. And two, I'm afraid it'll just fly to Thomas and then I'll be stuck with it. Yeah. But also he's freaking out because that first woman knew the street that he lived on. Right. He's like, how did she know that? He's like getting unsettled. He really doesn't believe her story, huh?

I would be desperate to believe the first plausible sounding story. Yeah. At this point in the story, Eli and Thomas make a fatal flaw. Oh, my. Oh, at this point. Oh.

Which is that they're like, the Facebook post is not bringing us anyone who is actually the mom of this. And also people are like sliding into our DMs with our address. Like this is like very uncomfortable, right? Like they know where we live. We don't like it. They delete the post. Okay. How do you feel about this? I am pro deleting things fast.

from Facebook. I am anti everything they've done up to this point that wasn't like, you know, officer here is a sugar glider for you. Eli is like literally getting so desperate at this point that he's Googling safe haven laws sugar glider. He's like, can we leave the sugar glider at a fire station? Thomas is like, we cannot leave him at a fire station. Yeah.

But even Thomas at this point is starting to realize, like, this is bad, right? Like, Bon Bon scares Eli. Like, we don't want a pet sugar glider. We just want to find his real home. Yeah.

Thomas is like, we're going to have to take it to the rescue facility. We're going to have to just give it to someone. And Eli's like, yes, perfect. Whatever. Don't care. He's like, if by some miracle, the comments on the neighborhood listserv finds the owner in the next 12 hours, great. If not, we take it to the shelter tomorrow afternoon. Oh, my God. We're doing another day with it. Okay.

Filters closed at night, Sam. I know. Oh my God. This is like a, this is a nightmare. This is going to replace loose change as my biggest fear.

They go to bed. They wake up the next morning. There's no emotional support smoothie. They have to work. Oh, he can't even get his fruits. Uh-huh. I know. In the morning, Eli like goes outside to water his plants or something. And his neighbor is like, you unleashed hell in the Facebook group. And Eli's like, what? And the neighbor is like, yeah, it's a mess in there.

You know, people who listen to this podcast may remember that some Facebook groups have bylaws that forbid deleting posts. Oh, my God. Wait, for real? For real. Oh, no. Are there like several accountability posts in its place now? Yeah. Literally. Oh, my God. The Internet was a mistake. I mean...

Al Gore, what have you wrought? The group believes that they deserve closure and to know what happens to each pet. Oh my God. So Eli goes back to this page and like someone has screenshotted his original post. They have tagged him. They're demanding accountability. They're like, the community is helping you. You should be more grateful. They're like, Eli is canceled. Like Thomas's eyes are no longer beautiful to me. Oh.

And not only that, people are like, the sugar glider is in danger. We need to find him. So they have gone like FBI mode and using the fucking like angle of the sun and something in the background of the photo, they have found exactly where Eli and Thomas live. Oh my God. Of course. Of course. Of course. Oh my God. Of course. Of course. Of course.

And Eli is like, Eli is like, so let me get this straight. It's like illegal to delete posts, but it's not illegal to like find people's home addresses and post them to a group of 75,000 people. Like, come on. The Facebook people are like in the comments of this having a debate on like if they could call someone to send to Eli and Thomas's house. Oh my God. They're like, but sugar gliders are illegal. Like we don't want to send someone and the sugar glider be taken. Like think of the sugar glider.

Think of the sugar glider. Eli's freaking out. He tells Thomas all of this and Thomas is like, oh my God, this is like so bad. Like this is a nightmare. They decide to lock all their doors.

To have Eli post like a big apology about deleting the post. To post additional photos of Bon Bon to prove he is safe and well, which they take like against a white wall with one of their phones in the frame to like show the date for proof of life. A ransom photo of a sugar glider. They're like, that's it. Like, we're gonna take this to the animal shelter. Like, let's figure out how to get it in the car. Like,

We got to get rid of this. Right. And Eli like messages the Facebook moderators and are like, please call off the dogs. Like we're going to take it to the animal shelter or whatever. Yeah. When Thomas is like someone messaged me on the neighborhood listserv group and they look and a woman named Haley has messaged and she's like, that sugar lighter is mine. She sends a photo of the habitat and she's like, see, that's his brother. Oh, OK. Yeah.

They're like, promising. Yeah. They're like, how did you lose the sugar glider? And she's like, oh, my God, I've been miserable. Like, I went out of town and the pets that are open the window and like out he went. And they're like, where do you live? And she lives in the apartment building right behind them. OK. OK. So they're like, this makes perfect sense. We love it. But because they're still like wary because everyone now has their home address.

They're like, we don't, we don't, we're feeling a little scared. Like, should we just take it to the animal shelter instead? What do you think? First of all, I would torch my Facebook, like, goodbye, delete, never getting back on ever.

I would set up a ring camera in case somebody went to my house and then I would give Haley this sugar glider and I would say I want to forget this happened I've been fired from my job I don't have my smoothie my whole life is in a shambles because this thing fell out of a tree on my deck I don't ever want to think about this again here you go

Yeah. Eli's like, I've been in 48 hours in purgatory with Bartok. Let her fucking have him. Right. Like, who cares? Yes. And Thomas is like messaging this woman. Right. He's like, can you send photos of him?

And Haley sends pictures. But like all sugar gliders kind of look alike. So they're like, this isn't really conclusive. And Thomas is like, do you have any pictures of him as a baby? And Eli's like, how is that going to help? But Haley does. And so then Thomas is like, look at him. He's so small. And Eli is like, please focus. They ask Haley. They're like, is there anything else to know that might be useful other than like how Bon Bon looks?

And Haley's like, oh, yeah, like he only likes like tall blondes. And Eli is like, OK, first off, canceled. He's like, but second off, Thomas is in fact a tall blonde. So like, huh. OK, maybe. And she's also like the sugar glider is not named Bon Bon. It's named Pooka. Yeah, I'd have been like Bon Bon. His name is Jerome. Yeah.

him by his real name okay now that you know yeah exactly Eli's like

puka and because he says puka out loud puka bonbon is like flying at him oh great and he he's like no no no no no no puka bonbon is like getting closer he like puts his hands over his face and puka bonbon like lands on his shoulder and Eli is like very scared he's like I'm being so brave he's like breathing through his nose out through his mouth and he's also elated because he's like clearly this is puka yeah

Thomas says puka and puka bonbon flies back to him. They did it. Great. We are almost at the end. How do you feel? Let's check in. You know. Whose side are you on? Ordinarily, I would feel, oh, I am team Eli here.

But this is beyond what I have the capacity to extend to my beloved. I mean, I would have been on the phone with the lawyer. Start billing me now. We have to go our separate ways. This is crazy. No, I am team Eli and I will.

I am relieved, but I feel like another shoe is going to drop. Eli is like, how soon can you come get her? Yes.

And Haley's like, I will walk over right now. And they're like, oh, blessed. Great. Haley comes over. She raises her hand. She's like, Pooka, come. The sugar glider flies away from Thomas and Eli. And they're both like, oh, my God, we did it. At this point, they're so relieved. They're so happy. They're both like, she's like, thank you so much for taking care of my baby. They're like, you're welcome, babe. Please leave. Please get out of our home. Please take him away. Yes. Yes.

Girl, get me some nature's miracle. He peed all over my house. Yeah. Eli's like, why did you name him Pooka? And Haley's like, oh, I like really loved Anastasia as a child. So like the dog in Anastasia is named Pooka and his brother at home is named Bartok. And Eli is like, oh, no, for real. My jaw just dropped. God.

Eli is like, I fucking told you that this guy looked like Bartok. And Thomas is like, you did. You were right. Oh, my God. They like post to the Facebook group. They're like, please forgive us. We found his home. Everyone's like, oh, great. And they're like, thank God it's over. And that's it. Except that it's like not over. I knew it.

My blood pressure for real.

It's being affected. It's not as bad as you think. I promise. Okay. Eli is like, thank God the sugar glider is gone. I'm going to choose to like bonk my head and have amnesia like this Anastasia so that I don't have to think about this ever again. Yeah. Right. Yeah. He's like, I don't want to remember. I don't want to remember that Thomas had this weird thing on its face. I don't want to remember that it was in our house. Like I want to pay a professional cleaner and I wish to forget. Yes.

I'm right there with them. A month later, they get like the neighborhood listserv's monthly roundup. And there at the top is the picture of Thomas holding Puga Bon Bon. The post was the most popular post in the newsletter listserv's history. And so the company began using it in their marketing, like with the flirty comments and all. And now Eli gets it as like targeted ads on Instagram. Yeah.

puka bonbon lives forever my god i would have to move i mean so many years my life would have to change this is the kind of thing that like the kind of couple test

That you can never imagine. What would you do in the office? This person I married is not who I thought they were. Show me who you are. And it's someone who's nice. I mean, I don't want to cook and eat it. But I also don't want to spend two days searching for his mother. Living with a stoker glider.

Telling 70, having 75,000 people on Facebook yell at me for not like giving him distilled water. No. Oh my God. This harrowing. Sam, thank you so much for coming back on the show. It was a pleasure to have you. Thank you for having me. This is the greatest experience of my life.

Thank you for listening to Normal Gossip. If you have a gossip story to share with us, email us at normalgossip at defector.com. Or you can leave us a voicemail at 2679-GOSSIP. If you love this podcast and want to support us, become a friend or a friend of a friend at supportnormalgossip.com. You can follow the show on Instagram and TikTok at normalgossip. You can follow Kelsey on all social media at at McKinneyKelsey.

This podcast was produced by Alex Sujong-Loughlin, Ozzy Linus Goodman, and Jay Tolviera. Justin Ellis is Defector's projects editor. Jasper Wang and Sean Kuhn are Defector's business guys. Alex Sujong-Loughlin is Defector's supervising producer. Tom Ley is our editor-in-chief. Abigail Siegel is our intern. Dan McQuaid runs our merch store, which you can find at normalgossip.store.

Tara Jacoby designed our show art. Thank you to Rachel Hampton, Brandy Jensen, Sabrina Ambler, Dave McKenna, Chris Thompson, Heather Chen, Ray Ratto, David Roth, Catherine Hsu, Jasper Wang, Israel Dara Mola, and Patrick Redford for your help on this season. Thanks to the rest of the Defector staff. Defector Media is a collectively owned subscriber-based media company.

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