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Sign up today. Handsome Pod. Chatting with friends on the Handsome Pod. Chatting with friends on the Handsome Pod. Cheers. Duh. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Our drinks are right there. Welcome to Handsome. Oh, yeah. Woo! Good job, Mae. You're listening to the Handsome Pod. I am Mae Martin. I'm Tig Notaro. And I'm Fortune Feimster. And we're...
handsome oh my god we're coming to you once again in person yeah in person in the same room in tig's office in our suits cozy feeling suave it's so cozy in here yeah you have a nice office thank you
Did you just wink at each other? Tig just winked at me because I winked at Tig a few minutes ago and Tig went, ugh. Like, it was jarring for you. Have I misunderstood our friendship? Can I tell you, I winked at, I'm not a big winker. Okay. Okay. I was at the Minneapolis airport years ago. I was sitting alone in the food court eating and this girl that was maybe 20, 30,
was walking around the food court with her tray of food. And I'm sorry, you can dress however you want on an airplane, but she had cut off short shorts with like maybe some parts of her body hanging out of the short shorts. And for sure. And she, when she walked by me,
I was so, I had never seen somebody dress like that in an airport. And I really hadn't. People normally are not in like-- - They're going for comfort. - Yeah, yeah. And she came over by me,
I had a mouthful of food and I winked at her. Oh my God. Not because I was attracted to her. She wouldn't have thought that. Well, guess what? She winked back? She said, oh, I guess I'll sit here. No. Oh.
Oh, yeah. She sat down at the table with me. Wow. And I was eating sushi. Okay. And I had a big sushi bite in my mouth. You know, those are hard to handle sometimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like trying to chew this sushi while this like 20-year-old in like short shorts is sitting down with me. And I'm like, this is not at all what I was thinking.
I was winking because I had food in my mouth and I was trying to acknowledge her because she was trying to find a place to sit. And I don't, I just, I don't. Wait a second. So what happened? You all just had lunch together? Who goes, that person's trying to find a place to sit. I'll wink at them just so they know. I do. Yeah. I didn't know that I do. And I was, I was, I felt so wronged.
weird and horrible. She was into it though. No, I don't think she was attracted to me. I don't know what happened. She was like, oh, this is a great place to sleep. Well, I guess I'm safe here. Here's a floor.
40 year old winking at me in an airport. Just had lunch together? Yeah and had an awkward exchange in the food court. Oh my god. It was terrible. Oh my gosh. I know I hope she's listening now. I hope she's listening. She's like I've always thought about that day I sat down with Tig. Yeah like her version of that story is Tig was hard. Yeah winked at me and sat down. Which was basically an invitation for me to have lunch with her. Meanwhile I'm like
I accidentally winked at a 20 year old who sat at my lunch table in the food court in Minneapolis. So you're very particular with who you wink at now. I don't wink at people. Except you. It doesn't sound like it. Except you. You're winking willy nilly. Yeah. Well, I'm sitting at your table now. Are you winkers?
Yes, I am. I winked at you like three minutes ago. And Tig literally went, ugh. I have to say, I really, it does something to me. When someone winks at me, like a pointed wink across a room or something, especially if it's someone that you kind of are seeing or something, they wink at you and give you that attention. You're into it. It's like a bullet to my soul. Has it happened many times?
to you that you've gotten a pointed wink? What if I had winked at Mae from across the room? I don't know. What would be happening right now? I think maybe I've seen it in movies and then now because it's become like a I have a wink kink. And so I'm like I kind of have a wink kink now. And so if I'm dating someone I might say hey give me a wink tonight. So many fans are going to be winking at you now. I love it. Because to me it's either saying like
like we're gonna have sex or like we just had sex if they wink i've never associated the two but now i'll never forget the term wink kink so wait we just had set like you wrap it up it's like we've got a little secret hey how was it i guess that would be weird if it was like a post quite like uh do you like it well that's a little cowboy oh you don't like a little cowboy wait you can't well
Little cowboy. You gotta get your wink on. Look, if George Clooney's going, sure. Oh, so you're into George Clooney. Oh, if he's winking. Okay. Didn't we talk about George Clooney? No, we talked about Brad Pitt. Did we? Why are we talking about Brad Pitt? When we had to name our male, what male celebrities we would get with. George Clooney didn't come up, I think. George Clooney did not, but Brad Pitt did. Yeah, he doesn't do anything for me. I can see that he is.
I mean obviously the majority of men are not. His wife's hot. Hot wife. His wife's hot. Hot wife alert. Hot wife. Yeah I would probably lean more towards her. She's like a lawyer. She's smart. I'm all Clooney.
It's crazy that we know all these things about these people, right? And her name is like, I'm all about it. I'm all about Clooney. Yeah, I'm all about Clooney. What if her middle name was about? Oh my God. I'm all about Clooney. Wait, did you guys know that Hugh, I think I've said this, Hugh Grant, his middle name is Mungo. So his name is Hugh Mungo Grant. No. That's a true fact.
No. You can take that straight to the bank. I am refusing. You're refusing the Mayfax? Google it. Mungo? Yeah, his middle name is Mungo. So, Kaylin's Googling it now. They did this on purpose. Hugh Mungo Grant. Grant. So, his parents must have been fucking with him or it just is a common British, like, Mungo. It sounds like posh, but... Yeah, Hugh Mungo Grant. Kaylin can confirm? Hugh John Mungo Grant. Hugh John Mungo. Hugh.
Okay, well you missed a part of it. Can we detract the May fact? But May was right that Mungo is a middle name. I don't know. I picked these things up. I got eyes on the streets. How?
were you in the UK for? 12 years. 12 years? That's a long time. Yeah, a long time. Yeah, I don't think I sound, but you guys think I sound Pontus. You sound more Canadian to me than you do a UK thing, right? I can see a bit of a mix of... Okay. You probably had some influence there. That's why you say Pontus. I don't think I do, but I... We have it. We have it. I don't think...
Don't think I do, you a-holes. Fortune, watch your mouth. Sorry, dick-ass-holes. You know, this is like a holiday-ish episode, and I will say England at the holidays is very, very...
beautiful it's very cozy like everything's old tell us about it with your accent i think of love actually yeah it's love actually it's like tell us oh good morning there's a fresh sprinkling of snow on the cobblestones shall we all have a lovely suet pudding or whatever it is what do they do are their holidays is their christmas holiday different than ours no it's just like dialed up to 100 so it's like similar to but
you know carol services and i used to go spend every christmas carol services you can pay people to go caroling no like you go to the church and you sing oh right right very different very different i know you guys i want to go care like no like a church well you thought i meant like a service we provide caroling if
We get the whole car. We wish you a Merry Christmas. That's a pretty good app, actually. But they do the like Christmas Eve stuff. Yeah. It's just day, eat dinner. It's cold. You get your like spiced wine. You know what I mean? And we used to go and see, because my grandma is English or was. The agent. The agent. I love your grandma story. Oh, yeah. She's got a problem area. She's got a problem.
She doesn't. But yeah, she had a bidet. So we would go and we would see like plays that she that her clients were in and stuff. And it was like a big perk. And we saw The Wind in the Willows, this like Christmas production of it. And there were these I remember. I don't know why I'm talking or thinking about this, actually. But I remember all these podcasts. Yeah. Why are we doing it? We're sitting in suits in my office on a Tuesday night on a Tuesday night.
With whiskey. Yeah. Go on. So I just remember, you know, Wind in the Willows is about the mole and the rat and the badger. I don't know this. No. It's a misfortune. Two against one. Are you serious? I don't know it. The Wind in the Willows. It's these talking ends. No matter how many times you repeat the Wind in the Willows, we don't know it. I tried to remind y'all of the movie Willow and y'all thought I was crazy. That's true. I knew Willow Smith. Anyway. So.
- Not personally. - It's like these animals and there's kind of a war in the animal kingdom and anyway, it was so magical to me because there were kids in the cast and it was at this big theater and they played little rabbits and they would all, they had fake snow that would come down and they'd all sing,
And then a weasel comes in and grabs one of the kids and takes it off to eat. And everyone's all the rabbits are screaming. But I love that. You know, kids love this. Kids love like a scary thing, I think. Or at least I did. And I was like, I want to play that rabbit that gets grabbed by the weasel. Oh, yeah.
What does that say about me? - You wanted to be grabbed? - I wanted to be in the cast and I wanted to be a child actor that got grabbed by the weasel and I imagined all the conversations I would have with this actor playing the weasel. - About how to grab you. - How to grab me. - You're so, it's so weird.
Weasel never comes up in my life. And just two nights ago, I was with friends and our sons, they like to play this game of like, I'm thinking of an animal and guess what it is. And I thought, oh, this is great. I'll say weasel or I'll think of a weasel and that's going to be hard. Nobody's going to go weasel. And it took, and it's impossible to stump Stephanie with anything. And I stumped her and
and um and then they were like what is it and i said it's a weasel and everybody's like weasel and then here i am two days later hearing about a weasel weasel and what this weaseled its way right back into my life yeah yeah what does this mean nothing absolutely nothing
Nothing. It means nothing. Did you ever, when you were a kid, you'd see like a kid on TV and you'd think, that'd be really fun to play that part because I'd be around all the grownups and I'd be like having lunch with the weasel. Wait, you're saying as a child wanting to, you wanted to be an actor? Yeah, I guess I wanted to be playing that. Or you wanted to be that character in real life. No, I wanted to be an actor. Because your grandma was an agent. So you're like, I've got it in. You knew your grandma would sign you. Yeah, maybe.
She refused. She didn't. She was very strict about that. She didn't want you in the biz? No, she did not. Well, no, when I started doing comedy on my own, then she was... She was okay with it? Yeah. Was she like, kid, you got what it takes. No, she was like, she wanted it to be very squeaky clean. Oh, can you do your grandma's accent? What was it even like? It was like... We won't know. Yeah, yeah. So you can do whatever you want. Okay, well...
She would do a lot of said the actress to the vicar. Oh, my God. I love your grandma. Yeah, she'd do a lot of innuendo and stuff. Yeah, and she was hilarious. But you know when you're a kid and your parents take you to some holiday event and then after you're like, maybe you stay up later than you normally would and then you're in the back of the car and it's cold out and you're all cozy. Yeah. You love a cozy Christmas. Yeah, not so much. My parents didn't take us to Christmas things. Right, and it was warm.
When? When you grew up. Was it warm in Mississippi? Well, Mississippi, Texas. I lived in both places. But it was more of just I feel like all
All we really did was the Peanuts special. - Oh, cool. - Like the Christmas. - Charlie Brown. - And that was before streaming and all that or even renting it on VHS. You knew what night the Peanuts special was gonna be on. It was like . And so we'd watch that and then my mother would play. She had a record player and we'd listen to Christmas music. - That's nice. - That's nice. - Our only thing that we would do together
uh was in the south you know you go to christmas eve service at church yeah so we would do that but i remember one christmas eve we discovered uh south park and uh we turned it on before we go to church and he goes it's a piece of doo-doo and it goes doo-doo i'm mr hanky the christmas pooh yeah
We're all crying, laughing. The whole family? The whole family's watching this. Oh, my God. Before church. My mom's kind of mortified because her boyfriend was there. Yeah. And my brothers are crying going, how do? I'm a Shaggy. The Christmas food. And she's like, let's go to church. Oh, my God.
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But we would always go to church. Some Christmases we went to two services. We went to our church. What's that? Go on. The United Methodist Church. The United Methodist, in case you're wondering. And then to the Lutheran Church because they had a great choir. And you just couldn't get enough. We couldn't get enough of Jesus. Well, we got all of our Jesus in. Now we got to go hear the good tunes. The good tunes. They sounded amazing. Let's hear a little.
Sing Noel, sing Noel. Noel, Noel. This is the only reason I do this show. Not just to hear you, but to see your face. No, no, no.
You know the banger. No. Which one? Holy Night. Let's hear it. Oh, holy night. The stars are brightly shining. It is the night of our dear Savior's birth.
That's the banger? Yeah, that's the banger. Guys, it's Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. No, it's his church. It's got to be about Jesus. That's Jesus. Jesus is all... Hold on. Rudolph.
What if you blinked? Open your eyes. We weren't here. This podcast never existed. Sitting in a suit singing Christmas carols. Do you even know how hard that note was that I just hit? I don't think you do. What if you did that? I don't think I hit him either. You close your eyes and you hit the note. Oh my gosh.
Wow. I didn't expect to go there tonight. What about Away in a Manger? What's that one? We're just requesting. Away in a manger. No crib for a bed. The little Lord Jesus lay down his sweet head. I like Fairytale of New York. What's that? You know, it's...
You were drunk, you were pretty, all in New York City. Oh, yes. Oh, I hate you. I love you.
Keep going. It's like a duet of these drugs. Okay, do one in your Canadian accent, then the other side in Debbie. Okay, okay. How does it go? Who cares? Can you give me the first line, someone? A fairy tale of New York. Thomas is opening a Facebook account. I love you, Lord Jesus.
I beg thee to stay. Oh, yeah. I was just saying, I was just passing the time until we found out. So Debbie and Canadian? Debbie and Canadian. I don't remember how it goes after that one. Doesn't matter. Okay. So Canadian. It was Christmas Eve, babe. And then Debbie goes, In England.
And said to me, I've got a lovely one. Or something like that. Is that right? And then I'd go. He's back to his Facebook. Yeah. Thomas is making a Christmas list of what he wants. You've got to get into this tune, honestly. I'm into it. We're into it right now. No, I mean, I'm all eyes and ears. We're going to have to Google it. Did you ever get the giggles in church? Oh, I love Googling. Don't.
Don't get too excited on Googling. As soon as this wraps up, I'm Googling. Have we heard what? Did you giggle in church? Like, would you get the laugh attack? We have to back up and say, did you go to church? Oh, yeah. Did you not go to church? How'd you get out of it being in the cell? Well, I mean, we went until I was in probably sixth grade or something. And then my brother and I were like,
I had to go as part of school for a couple of years. It was like an Anglican school. So we'd have like morning assembly and stuff. I would cry, laugh, like just knowing you're not supposed to laugh. I miss that when you're not supposed to laugh and you're just aching like and you think I'm going to die. Did you get that at church when there was? Oh, yeah. When I was little. Yeah. I had to go every Sunday until I went to college.
And do your parents still go? My mom was like on and off, but she's back. So now she's volunteering. She's back. She's back. She means business. They reeled her back in. But she's very, she wants people to know she is a United Methodist member, not the other one because the church split over gay folks. Oh, okay. Well, that's good. And she's on the side that likes and accepts gay people. And did she hop over once you were like, surprise?
No, we were always United Methodist. Oh, okay. But in the last couple of years, I don't, I don't know when it, when it happened, they voted about like accepting gay people into the clergy. And I don't know what all the, what, what, what was up for vote? The people that did not approve split and started their own like Methodist church. Yeah.
So she's very verbal about being in the United Methodist one. Right, right. Yeah. So she goes to church now. She's back at it. I think I'm going to go home for Christmas Eve. So I'll probably end up at church. Yeah. It's a nice vibe. I don't mind it on Christmas Eve. Y'all heard me jam out. We did. Yeah. I heard the banger. Yeah.
I think it kind of reminds me. Holy night. I mean, how could I not do that at church? I don't know. All is calm. All is bright. See, that's my church singing voice. In case you didn't know. No, I did. I didn't think that was your rocker dude. No. What about Jerusalem? That hymn Jerusalem? Do you know that one? Can you sing it? Bring me my...
Burning cold, bring me my arrows of desire. I don't know this one. I like the real dramatic ones. Like, Mary, did you know that your baby boy would one day walk on water? Mary, did you know that your baby boy would save our sons and daughters? Did you
- Sorry. - Also, it's almost accusatory. - Yeah. - Did you know? And it's like, what are you doing on the other side of that? It's like, get off the phone. - Yeah. - Yeah, get out of my manger. - And at some point you sing, ♪ Is the great I am ♪ It's very dramatic. - Is the great? - The great I am. - Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.
Grandma got run over by a reindeer. Now you know what? I don't know how to Christmas Eve. Some people say there's no such thing as Santa. But as for me and Grandpa, we believe. Pod. We finally learned it. I was always pretty creeped out by I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. That creeped me out. Because it seemed like Santa was a creep. Yeah. But it was the dad, right? It was the dad. I get that now. Yeah. Oh, I didn't get that until just now.
Are you serious? Promise. You always thought the mom was cheating. You thought Santa was trying to get some. That's how much I believed in Santa. I was like, wow. You did until this very moment. Wow, I'm really...
All the wheels are falling. I'm almost 53. That's crazy. Okay. And, you know, Stephanie and I, we went to our kids' school for the teacher conference. Yeah. And we were talking about just that. And I do feel like our sons are a little mature for their age. Mm-hmm.
And you can really be in a moment of feeling like, wow, they really, they can sit down and really talk to you about certain things in the news and sports and whatever. And then they fully believe in Santa. And you're like, oh gosh, right. They're just seven and a half. The other thing aside from Santa that blew my mind when we were talking to the teachers is that
There are two teachers. Max has a teacher. Finn has a teacher in separate classes. And one teacher turns into a mad scientist.
And it's the same person, obviously, that just has a wig and a lab coat. Amazing. And the kids believe that that is a different person. No, I love that. And then the other teacher turns into something. A real bitch. I can't remember what it was. But there was also on St. Patrick's Day,
They were saying that there was like a little leprechaun. Yeah. And then when the kids went out to play, they came back in and Max and Finn came home telling us, they're like,
Oh my gosh. A leprechaun came in and wrecked our classroom. Yeah, they did that when I was in kindergarten. And put green dye in the toilet and turned a desk upside down. The kids really believed a leprechaun went nuts in their classroom. That was pretty special. They hooked me. And when I was in kindergarten, we came back in from play and all the bins were everywhere. They were like, Maddie, did you know? They were like, a free leprechaun? We're like, that's a little bastard. Well, and then there's some...
some animal that was a stuffed animal that,
And the kids were talking about how it was a stuffed animal. Yeah. But the teacher, I think when the teacher turned it into some other character, said it was actually a real whatever animal. And the kids were saying, I think it's a stuffy, which is what they call stuffed animals. Okay. And then while the kids went out to play in the playground, they came back in and there was like a poorly written note that said, I'm not a stuffy. And the kids were like, oh my God.
And completely believe it. Well, I love that stuff. You're supposed to be gullible when you're a kid. I know. Did you have older siblings that would fuck with you? My brother said there was a baby penguin that would come at night, a baby penguin, and he would put plasticine out and be like, we'll see if it leaves footprints. And then he must have been making little baby penguin footprints. And I was like, he for sure was. Yeah.
One million percent. I think he might have been. Yeah. But I was obsessed with Baby Penguin. He'd write letters from Baby Penguin. That's so cute. Yeah, it was pretty good. I was always trying to, even though I believed in Santa, I was trying to prove him wrong.
and prove that he didn't exist. Even though I didn't know, I would try to, anytime my parents left out toys from Santa, I would be like, there's a sticker from the store on this. I don't know if this is from Santa. And they were like, can you just believe? Scream at you on Christmas. Can you just believe already? I was always trying to find the presents before they, I don't know why I was determined to know what I was going to get
and to know it wasn't from Santa. The naughty nice list freaks me out. But yeah, I guess, I mean, I'm now going to be maybe around a five-year-old on Christmas. Oh, yeah. So I guess I got to... You for sure will. Yeah, yeah, for sure. You're living
You live with her. I guess I'm going to be around a five-year-old. Yeah. Unless you become the unfortunate dad that leaves. In some 90s movie. Yeah. I got work to do. But she believes in Santa, yeah? Yeah. So I got to toe the line, I guess. So you're going to have to leave out cookies and milk. That's so fun.
And carrots for the reindeer. Carrots for the reindeer? Yeah. In LA, you could also leave out oat milk or almond milk. Thank you. Yes, of course. Great, great. My mother used to write in her own handwriting. Oh, really? You're joking. Yeah, to Tig from Santa, and I never...
And never put it together. It's just like that's what handwriting is. Have we said this on the podcast already that I want to take a picture with Santa Claus and the three of us like in a mall where we're all sitting on his lap? Thomas, put it on the list. Can we add that? Add it to the list.
That actually would be a pretty great picture. In our suits? Yeah, right? We already have an Olin Mills situation we have to do. I can't wait to review our list. Our list is accumulating. We have a lot to do. We're going to take like a weekend and do all these things, right? Absolutely, man. If not an entire month, we have a long list. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Should we hear what our guest today has to say? This is a very exciting one. We have a very special guest. They're all very special. Everyone's very special. This is a huge movie star. Is she? Yeah.
Really? Because we've been in a movie together. You have been in a movie together. I'm in a movie with her that's coming. Really? Yeah. I don't know the name of it. I'd like to be one day. She's pretty awesome. You know her from so many iconic roles. I mean, Legally Blonde, Sweet Home Alabama. Your Place or Mine?
The Morning Show, she's also a TV star. Big Little Lies. Big Little Lies. Little Fires Everywhere. Her production company, Hello Sunshine, has a book club that's wildly successful. You were on The Morning Show. I had a little cameo as myself. So in the world of The Morning Show, I am me. Yeah. Did you do like a walk-on show?
I did like my walk on roles in the morning show. It was like they had an upfront and I was a comedian at the upfront. That's awesome. Playing myself. But she's a pretty little lady. We love her. Reese Witherspoon's got a question for us. Oh, hello, handsome pod. It's Reese Witherspoon. I love you all so much. I'm so excited to be on your podcast today.
I want to say first of all, season's greetings. It is the holiday season. And I have a very important question for you, which is what is the best gift you've ever received or the best gift you've ever given? I can't believe she said I love you all so much. And that includes me. It does. To be fair, she doesn't know who's on this show. Stop it.
No, I talked with her about our podcast. You did? Yeah, she's awesome. She's very in the know with all the podcast world and books and all that stuff. She's in the know. Oh, everything. Everything. Really? Every single thing. She does know everything that's going on. Yeah. She's a boss.
That's a really good question. Best gift you've ever gotten or given the holidays. I'm trying to think. You know, I know right off the bat. Yeah. There was this organization in Los Angeles that I thought was so incredible called A Place Called Home. And they help, you know,
kids that are struggling, yeah, at risk, homeless, all sorts of, they're incredible, what they've created. And I was telling Stephanie just how blown away I was by this organization. And then
For Christmas, I opened this envelope and she had made a donation to a place called home. And I burst into tears. Really? I was like, I was so not expecting that. That's very moving. And it was just something...
Not that I said in passing to her, but I just I was like, God, this place, it's so great. And then it was a combination of like how thoughtful she was. And then also the place called home. Yeah. But yeah, it just hit me all at once. And I burst into ugly tears. And she was like, oh, my gosh, are you OK? I was like, I didn't see this. I was I was so floored. That's great. Yeah. Yeah.
I know. I'm trying to think of... My mom was notoriously terrible at giving gifts. Really? To me, because she would give me the gifts that she wanted. My mother did that, too! She would only give me things that she liked. So every year, any other... A pretty little lady would have loved these gifts. Makeup kits. Everything girly. And so every Christmas, I'd be like, Huh...
This sucks. See, mine was more like before I was raised, my family, I was raised on Willie Nelson and I appreciated Willie Nelson. Yeah. Like ran through the deep, deep veins of my family, my mother, my grandmother, all of these people. But when I was eight, I didn't want
the redheaded stranger album. You know, I just, that's not what I was looking for. And I want to just make a public service announcement. If you have a child and you are just showering them with what you like or you liked as a child. Yeah. Move on. Move on. Well, finally, as I got older, I started feeling grateful. Like I should be,
for whatever gifts given, but I never liked any gift she gave me ever. Were they like really feminine? It was very feminine stuff. I was not out yet. It wasn't... We hadn't, you know, gone into the like, I'm gay talk. But, you know, anyone else could have picked up that I was a giant tomboy. You know, give me a soccer ball. I would have been like, great, this is the greatest gift I've ever gotten. It was always very...
Makeup for her A lot of blouses Oh blouse She gave money to my sister-in-law One year to buy me The girly clothes And anybody else was like Amazing school And I was like I can't wear any of these They're all blouses
That is also, that word is horrible. That word is not good. I'm going to get you a new blouse. Ping me in the blouse. So finally one Christmas as I got older and I felt, I felt so weird doing this, but I was like, this is good. Like she's just wasting money. I don't want her to waste money. Yeah. I said, mom, can I show you like of the presents you've given me what I'm into? Can I show you the boys underwear? Can I just show you that? Yeah.
And then you surprised me. So I like made a pile and it was like some snacks on this side. It was like mountains of makeup and girly stuff over here. Like what she spent all the money on. This was like a $50 Chili's gift card and like a can of tennis balls and like a couple snacks. I was like,
I'm into this pile. Oh, oh, oh. And it finally clicked. She goes, oh. Yeah. After all those years of hers wasted money. There is nothing more depressing than when like someone you're dating gives you something that shows you that they don't know you at all. Like who's that chef that passed away? Anthony Bourdain. I don't know who he is. I've never expressed any interest. And somebody bought me an Anthony Bourdain like
I want to say. And I was like, huh. But then I had one, a wonderful ex of mine. I just finished filming Feel Good. So I was really exhausted and I'm hard to shop for, I guess, but I love escape rooms. And she turned...
her apartment and her neighbor's apartment into like a giant escape room. And it was, she had spent so much time with all of these clues. And it was like, in one part I had to put together a phone number. Then I called the number and she'd arranged to have like my friend pick up and give me another clue. And then, and it was also quite scary. And then it ended, I ended up finding her in like a bed or whatever. Yeah.
Wow. And that was a good present. That was a great present. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then escape the room to get to the sexy time. Yeah. Although then it became a present for her. I felt at the end. Cause it was like, Oh, but it was really, this is your present. Yeah. It was very thoughtful. I liked that a lot. I don't know what the best gift I've given is. I'm terrible. I'm not great at giving gifts. Really? You know why? I'll tell you why. Why? Cause you don't care about gifts.
I don't care about gifts. I remember you saying that. I feel like I'm not the greatest at it either and I'm not into gifts. I don't need anything like that. Experiences. I love experiences. I'm kind of more like, can I give you a $200 gift card?
but i also notice very much when somebody is incredible at giving gifts then you have to clock so good they want a good gift oh oh interesting re strikes re strikes me as someone who's really good at like remembers what people mention like it's thoughtful and it's like some handcrafted something or like some nice something i don't know you don't think so i don't
But she could have someone else do it. Right. She could have someone else. I need to hire someone. Yeah. Tom Cruise like always gives the same. He gives it. It's I know about this. I've never gotten it, but I'm very well aware of it because I love cake. He has a Tom Cruise cake.
He gives it to everyone he's worked with. It's a cake from a bakery in Woodland Hills called Doan's or something like that. And it is called the Tom Cruise cake. Wow. I talked about it once. Someone from Gold Belly sent it to me. What's Gold Belly? Where you can, like, order things from restaurants all over the country and have it shipped to places. Oh, okay. And it was a Tom Cruise cake. It's like a Bundt cake. It's got coconut and, like, white chocolate chips. You cannot have it. You cannot have it. But it is...
so good really every year you like he remembers everyone's birthday he has a long list all these people i've never been on it remember everyone's birthday are you new to this industry hire someone who remembers all these he doesn't even remember that people have birthdays but i'm just like does he work with someone and and does he like whisper to him this isn't put him on the cake list he must right like how do people get on the cake list
I want to be on this. Have you worked with him? Never. It's not going to be like we're going to get fortune on us. Maybe he'll listen to Hansel.
Okay Tom If you are listening That would be the greatest gift Could you get fortune on the cake list And then if I could get on one With vegan Ingredients and then if we could get May on the cake list Hold the coconut Y'all are being very difficult I just want it as is But to me that would be the greatest gift A cake that's tasty
So you're saying you do not enjoy a disgusting rotten cake? Okay. No gross cake. Tom, don't wander off. Fortune does not want a gross cake. No. No. So I can't even remember like a good present I've given someone. Sounds like you've done a terrible job. Have you given Jax anything? Jax has had many presents. Okay. Like? But I mean, lots of jewelry, bags.
Jewelry bag? Basically anything she wants. I like taking people away for a weekend or something. Against their will. Against their will. Well, I do pressure people into these escape room immersive... I just this weekend was...
just brought three friends to do a fun thing and we ended up being chased by a cannibal we had to hide in a dark in the escape room yes and they were like why is this fun for you and like really scared but oh man I loved it I had no idea you I knew you liked him I didn't know to the extent I love him I'm doing them every week
When I'm on tour and I see an escape room, I think of you. I'd love to do the best one. If anyone wants to sponsor this or if there's an escape room company, I want to work with you to design. This is where we all tell what we want. I'd like a Tom Cruise cake. I would just like money donated to all those children. You're being so sincere. I didn't like any present my mom gave me. I just want cake. Yeah.
Well, we should probably put that on the list too. That we do an escape room together. Oh my God. I would be, you'd see a side of me that I don't know if you would like. I've only done an escape room once. Take that off the list. Scratch that. Why in the,
Why isn't anyone having their whiskey? I've only done one escape room. It was with Lance Bass. He was really good at it. He got us out of the pickle we were in. I'd love to do one with Lance. Your pinky up there. Put Lance on that list in the escape room. I've been given some nice bourbons for Christmas. I like that. Okay. Jax's stepdad is a collector of fine bourbons and whiskey, and he...
He's gifted us some really nice... My brother does too. He has a whole collection and that's where all the whiskey in my office comes from. Oh, nice. Yeah, this is a really... Not all of it. This one's a really...
It's strong, but it's smooth. It tastes good. What is it? Do we know? I don't know. We're falling off the rails. It tastes like it's something good. My dream present is someone gives me a treasure map or like a clue that's like, this is going to take you 10 years to figure out. 10 years? But when you get there, I will have left a note or like...
finding a i will have left a note after 10 years provided that global warming hasn't created a situation that's just washed it away no hear me out there's a note i think is it's just about the hunt and the grat even if the note is just like you found okay wait i have a question for you yeah it's just about the hunt yeah is that your personality
Oh, Jake. It's just about the hunt. No, in my 20s, yeah. It was all about the chase. Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm very soft. And now you're like, I'd like to spend 10 years searching for a note. Yeah, I just want a humble note. Yes. Just to say, you found me. Even just a note or a gift certificate to go to homeless children. Yes, of course. Yes, okay. Or like...
With whiskey, my fantasy is finding a washed up pirate chest and inside is a bottle of whiskey that is 400 years old. I have to be honest. Like the Goonies. I think I have a washed up pirate's chest. Do you? I think so. Oh, well. You're rocking one now. On my body.
That's what I should start calling it. My washed up pirate's chest. Still got it. You still got it. I still got it. Oh, you winked at me again. What's...
- I wanna get in on this. - Fortune, who is more your type, me or Mae? - Y'all are equally my type. - No, no, no, pick. - No, we want Mae. - Pick! - I want you both, baby. - Do you want a washed up Pirate's chest? - Yeah, or a sort of hairless twink. - I love hairless twinks and Pirate's chest. How do you choose? - If you put the two of us and Jack in the middle. - Ah.
Well, I would have to go with my wife. But when the wife is away, the handsomes will play. Oh, God. Now I can't do it without making the noise. Giddy up, little cowboy. Little cowboy over there. I can't really do it so good. Are y'all going to be watching any movies over the halt? What are we going directly into small talk? Yeah. What? We just...
What are you doing? You just agreed that while your wife's away, we're hooking up. And then now you're going into what movies are you going to watch? So anyone going to watch any movie? What kind of music are you into? Oh my God. Oh my God. Well, sure. That all looks like Christmas. And so does that one. Yeah. Should we end there?
I feel like I didn't give a good answer for the presents. - Well you did. - Is that why you started wandering off into small talk? - I'm gonna pee in my pants. - I'm gonna pee in my suit. - I'm gonna watch any movies. - I think Jackson went somewhere for Christmas. That was a nice present. - You think you did? - I think so. I can't keep up. I will say this about gifts. Even though I call myself not a great gift giver,
I don't like being beholden to the day. Yeah. You're just generous year round. I'm like, yeah. Like if, if I know at some point someone that I know needs a thing, I don't want to wait till like the birthday or the Christmas. I'm like, here you go. Right. But then don't be mad at me if I don't get you something on your birthday. Okay. And you know what? I'm going to take this as you'd like a cake any old day. Yeah. Any day. Does not need to be on my birthday. Okay. Christmas? Okay.
It can, whenever. Okay. Should I get. Just calm down. But like, but like I, like I'll give my parents random things, but like, but then I'll forget to write, like, like send a card. Yeah. But I just bought them a washing machine or something. You know what I mean? And you don't need to put a card on the washing machine. No, but like at Christmas. Right. I'll call them and stuff and I haven't like sent a card. Yeah. But I just like fixed their roof three weeks ago. Yeah. That's sort of how I am. All by yourself. Yeah.
You were up a ladder banging on the roof with all your podcast cash. So should I get you guys something for Christmas or no? Let's decide now if we are or we're not. I don't think so. I think a present is good when it really strikes you as something that person wants and not just like, oh, I got to fill this obligation to get someone something. And otherwise, I do think...
You should give your money to some good stuff. Yeah, that's true. To some good. Oh, there's some good. I did. And you're around. Yeah. Not just. Oh, I do it before taxes are due. I'm just kidding. I got a good wedding present for someone recently that I'm pretty proud of that.
Should I say that for, well, yeah, cause this will come out after I give it to her. I got for Abby Jacobson and her wife Jodi. Cause I never, I never get to go to a fancy wedding and, uh, I was feeling the pressure and they have a movie that they love and they did like a screening of it. I can't remember the name of the movie. Shit. It's, uh,
a woman a present an unmarried woman okay from the 70s of jill clayburn i don't think i've seen don't look at me you know dig yeah oh jill clayburn love the woman i think i did a good thing where like in the final scene there's a an abstract artist in it yeah and i was kept thinking oh the actor is not doing this art because it's amazing and then in the final scene it's like a significant piece of
art and I so I googled I found out the real artist who was doing that art and then I bought like from the 70s like a print of deep I think it's good but I haven't given it yet that's a good present I'm sweating saying it because what if they don't like the art
Then you really messed up. Because art is subjective. It's really subjective. Art's very subjective. But it's a thoughtful gift, even if they don't like it. Yeah, right? Yeah, you can tell I thought. They're like, Mae did a nice thing. Also, this is going in the garage. In the garden. This is going in the garden. The garage or the garbage. The garage or the garbage. The garage.
You know British people say garage? They do? Yeah, garage. Weird. You didn't? No. Even listening to Elton John all these years? And all those songs about garage. I'm trying to learn more about the UK because I'm going to be doing a show in London in January. Have you never been? I've been, but I forgot. I'm sure May's full of facts. I got some facts. I'll be there at the end of January. What venue? Uh...
I don't know. Union Hall? Yeah, very cool. Maybe that? Yeah. We're going to London and Amsterdam. That's awesome. Yeah, great. Should we see what Reese said? Yeah, let's see.
So the very best gift I ever received was actually a very coveted toy of the 1980s, which was the Teddy Ruxpin. And I remember my dad and my brother going to the toy store and coming home and giving it to me on Christmas Eve. And the joy that it filled me with. I had wanted this toy so badly. The commercials were so appealing. And I was like, I'm going to buy it.
And you could put little cassette tapes in his back and he would tell stories. But I immediately opened up Teddy Ruxpin and put my Paula Abdul cassette tape in his back and had him sing Opposites Attract, which was my favorite song at the time. And it was just completely Christmas joy, childhood Christmas joy that I will never forget.
Yes. I love that. I had one of those. So did I. I had a Teddy Ruxpin. Yeah. I did not. Do you know what it is? I can gather it's a bear that sings. Yeah. I mean, it had a cassette thing in its belly, right? Yeah. And you can put different things in it. That made me think. So you could just put like Van Halen in there. I guess.
I guess so. I guess. I don't remember the... I remember mine saying, like, I'm Teddy Ruskin. Yeah, I'm Teddy Ruskin. Yeah, but if Reese is putting Paula Abdul in there, I feel like I could put Van Halen. I think so. Metallica. It's been a while. Yeah, they were, like, all the rage. Willie Nelson. Yeah. Put in the redheaded stranger. Bring that around. It made me think. I once saw a one-woman show. I was maybe... I'm going to say it. Whatever. Whatever.
Was like 20 and the show was called the vagina monologue The show was called she never bought me an easy bake oven. Okay, so that's the title so that the show starts It's a 90 minute show minute one She's like Christmas morning like and the whole show is building up to the fact that her mom didn't get her but the tight That's the title. So, you know, you know it and the whole show was like I Come downstairs and I see a present wrapped on
oh my god it must be the easy bake oven and it was like okay we know it's not gonna be show is this i i don't i don't remember her name even this is in toronto at this little theater and i went to see it really be promoting her she never bought me an easy bake oven but it was wild because you knew yeah yeah and then what happened she never got it's not the easy bake oven it's something else and she's mad about it or something and we're all like but it's part of her art now yeah okay but
It wasn't a good show? No.
Wait, Tig, are you? I feel like you thought it was good. I was hoping it would be a twist. Like, of course, it's in the title. Oh, yeah. No, no. There's like some brilliant twist. That would have been great. I would not have named it that probably. That was the mistake she made. What would you have named it? Like the toy that I. Oh, that's good. The toy. That's a Richard Pryor movie. How about Toy Story? Richard Pryor and E. Toy Story. Has that been taken? That's.
That is, by the way, such a brilliant idea for a movie. What? Toys that talk come to life? That's right. Just making sure. Toy Story? That's what it's about. Yeah. And it's a great movie. Oh, it's so good. They should do like three of them. Oh, my God.
How many are there? I don't know. I just saw one like 25 years ago. Well, actually someone on the handsome social, someone made that. Handsome pod. Handsome pod. Made a art of me as Woody as little cowboy. That was cute. It was really good. I liked that a lot. Yeah. Yeah. We have some good art circling around. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Thanks for those. Well, I'm excited for the holidays. So am I. Are you going to be watching any movies? I'll probably watch Sweet Home Alabama. Okay. Because of Reese? Yeah, and I love that movie. Okay. Yeah. Or Legally Blonde. Wait, is she from Alabama? No. No, she's from Tennessee. Oh, but she was in Sweet Home Alabama. Okay. All right. I'm all over the place. In there, she plays a girl from Alabama. Okay. Well, because she's an actress. That's right. Yeah. I might watch Big Little Lies again.
I like a bunch of smoldering, these amazing actresses all bringing their A game. What a show. I like season two where Meryl... What a show! What a show! What a podcast! I like season two where Meryl Streep has those big fake teeth. And she screams. Have we talked about that? I think so.
I mean, it's like you, you know, if you're Meryl Streep, any decision you make, no one's going to push back. Everyone's like, all right, you're going to come in with some fake teeth, Meryl. Come on in. What are we talking about?
I'll tell you this. Yeah? I appreciate you guys. I appreciate you guys. Tell you what, I appreciate you both so much. If I could ask Santa to bring me one thing, it would be a podcast with you two. You got it. You already have that. Oh, then I don't need Santa. Wait, you mean a podcast with just us two? No, I mean I'd like to be on a podcast with you guys. Well, surprise! Yes! We've been doing it for three months. We have? Right under your nose. Where am I? I don't know.
In my office recording a podcast. I'll be at church singing lots of hymns. Hallelujah. Is that Christmas? Joy to
I also just want to flag because maybe we can isolate it in the video or something that earlier on I tried to do a call back to Mary do you know yes and and it just I did it it bombed you guys are talking what was it I just slipped it in and then you can probably see on my face the shame and I just want to acknowledge that I know that happened I know it I know it bombed find it and isolate it I want to find it and isolate it and we'll and we'll have you go
Yeah, I really, I think I did that. I think I went, my eyes kind of glazed over and I just looked. I've done it again. It's because Tig and I have big mouths and we were just talking about something. No, it's because it was really not there. I think it was even like quite a poignant moment. You know what I have to say? We had two big old dykes from the woods. Big old dirty dykes from the backwoods.
I have to say one of the Christmas songs I do love, which I don't think it really gets played or sung in church is So This Is Christmas. Oh, yeah. I love that. So this is Christmas. Yeah. John Lennon. He sounds like kind of bored. Like, oh, God, I have to sing this. So this is Christmas. Yeah. Yeah. I wish I could remember. Oh, Merry Little Christmas.
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. You like that one? I love it, and I especially love it with Chrissy Hines singing it. Okay. I like the... I love it. Keep going. From now on, our troubles will be all of some.
Thank you. We have your headshot and resume. What about the David Bowie Bing Crosby? Oh, yes. Right when he goes, That Rumpelstiltskin should cover that. How is this word coming up again? Teddy Rumpelstiltskin. Teddy Rumpelstiltskin. Teddy Rumpelstiltskin. Teddy Rumpskins. Oh, well, well. Teddy Rumpskins. Teddy Rumpskins.
a podcast. Oh, what a podcast. We are always going off the rails. That is my son Max's favorite Christmas song. It's an amazing song. I want to thank everyone who's listened to Handsome this year. Heck yeah. Thanks for listening. Share it with your pals. Yes, share it with your pals. Have listening parties. Review it. Five stars, baby. Or four. I always say it. No. No, we don't want that. Cut that out. I am
If we want to stay on the air, we need five stars. We need you to subscribe. We need you to send it to your friends. That's right. Yeah, yeah. And have yourself a merry little Christmas. We all get cats for eight. Yeah.
And anything else? Get you some merch. Get you some merch. Handsomepod.com. Yep. We have a YouTube channel. Check out the YouTube channel. YouTube channel. YouTube.com slash at HandsomePod. That's us. And join us when we are back in the new year. That's right. And I also want to make sure that you sign up for my email list because you're going to get all the information first.
That's right. For everyone, even on social media, you're going to get it first on my email list. Go to TigNotaro.com. Yep, yep. May? I just want to say, I think from having half a whiskey, this ear has gone red. Am I right? Yeah, it's a little pink. So we can point that out. We can zoom in. I'm sure isolate the ear. Why does it do that? I feel like your history with alcohol and drugs...
Why would your ear go pink? Maybe my ears were always pink in those years. Maybe your ears finally sobered up all these years later. Or someone's talking about you. Is that what it is? Yeah. Fortune fact! When your ears are red, isn't someone talking about you? I heard when your nose is itchy.
It means be careful. Someone's looking for a fight. Oh, okay. Well, we already did a woo-woo episode. Yeah, that's true. I got nothing to promote really. January 16th, I'm at Largo in Los Angeles with actually a very exciting surprise guest. Oh, I get it. Who is it? Wait, yeah, tell us. I'll tell you after. Is it me? It might be T. No, I'll tell you after. I'm on the road right after the new year. I'll be in Eugene, Oregon and Vancouver.
Then I'm going to be in Burlington, Vermont. And then I'm going to be in Washington, D.C. and Red Bank, New Jersey.
London and Amsterdam, Denver, Colorado, Madison and Milwaukee, Wisconsin. There's going to be a lot of shows y'all coming up. What a pretty little lady. Go to fortunefeimster.com And you were twiddling your thumbs while you did that. I really? Good, my jacket's tight. After the holidays, I really gotta get on my health journey. That's for another episode. Welcome to Fortune Feimster's health journey. It's slow. Starring...
Fortune Feimster. And go to my website to find my shows, but I'm typically around Los Angeles at Largo or Dynasty Typewriter. And yeah, I'll see you out there. And here on the Handsome Pod. And until then, keep it handsome!
Handsome is hosted by me, Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com. Follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast!
