Pretty Little Episode #14
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who switched to Allstate and reported savings. Savings vary. This is a HeadGum Podcast. Pretty Little Episode. Welcome to the Pretty Little Episode. I'm your host, Fortune Feimster. Joined, of course, by me, Mae Martin. Me!

Martin. Buddy, you have been going through it there in Toronto, filming crazy scenes. I don't know what in the world you are in right now. I know. And then I don't want to give spoilers and stuff, but when I talk about it, it reminds me of like, my mom was writing this book for a while and she would drop things and be like, like I was reading a newspaper article where a guy in Japan hid in a composting toilet and filmed

women. And then she'd go, oh, something similar happens in my book. And we'd all be like, what is this book about? And that's kind of what it feels like when I tell you guys about the show. I'm like, oh, I was filming this thing. And it's like, what is this show? I don't really know anymore. Also, you have to really love...

What's the word? Buttholes, vaginas to hide in compost. And to see it at such a very close up angle. What are you even seeing? It's darkness. I think it's about more than just liking. Like to me, that feels like you like getting peed and pooed on. Oh God, I didn't think about that part, Mae. I can't believe this is where we're sitting.

He was in a wetsuit. This is a true news story. Well, that is helpful. But yeah, that's a weird kink. I'm glad I'm very not into that stuff. But that is funny that your mom's like, very similar to my book. Yeah, it'll be random things. It'll, yeah, she'll see like,

a pigeon eating sort of an old dumpling on the street. She's like, it makes me think of my book. I'm like, what is happening in this book? Y'all are both creative writers in that way. I guess so. Yeah. Yeah. How are you? How's the fam? What's going on? Everybody's good. Good.

just got back from a friend's birthday trip. A birthday trip is like a trip. Bold. Yeah. It's super fun, but also a lot of people. Right. And you know, did you know all the other people? Um, I know I knew them, but not everybody's super well. So Jackson, I were the friends trying to like mind our P's and Q's and like,

Does anybody need anything? You know, what can we help with? Right. You don't want to be like the two people. Everyone's like, God, they haven't done anything. Yeah. Yeah. Clean up after dinner, you know, something like that. Oh, I know. Don't you think that big groups breathe that kind of thing? Of course. So did this.

And even if people say they're not, there's someone there who's got an internal list of who brought what, who did what. Who's contributed, who's paid for what, who's cleaned, who hasn't. And we didn't want to be the bad ones. I'm always like, just tell me what to do because I just won't think of it. I'm just having a nice time. But it's not that I don't want to help and contribute. Like I went on one group trip and then...

everyone was packing up to leave and I guess I was like I gotta go quickly do a spell so I wrote I had decided like that on this weekend I was gonna write down my wishes it was a new moon buried it under a plant okay so I'm like in my mind that's a priority so we're like all packing up I'm like oh gotta remember so I leave the spell yeah and then on the ride home everyone was real quiet because I guess they've been cleaning the whole Airbnb and I'd been like

I just didn't even think of it. I don't know. They're like so totally they were pissed because everyone's cleaning and you're outside just like, you know, doing like a magic trick.

Yeah, but to me it's like... And you're like, this is equally important. And they're like, but it's not. I'm like, we're all going to benefit from this spell, guys. What is the benefit of... Why do you end the trip with a spell? Please tell me first and our listeners. Well, I don't know. In this particular case...

I think it was a new... I mean, what if we're living in a simulation and all of reality is just based on our intention? Okay. So if you're going, hey, my intention is this. This is what I want. I don't know. I sound really spiritual these days. I'm really, you know... Well, when I think of spells, I guess I'm thinking of the TV version where I'm putting a spell on you. Oh. Meaning... Like a...

A curse or a love potion. No. Oh, I would love a love potion. Either one. It can go either way. But a spell I don't think of in terms of like, we had a great weekend and let me close this weekend with a mantra, prayer, whatever. Yeah. A reflection. But really, truly in my mind, it was like, okay, Rose is doing the dishes. Camille's emptying the garbages. May's doing the spell. Like I was like, I'm an important part of this.

And now it may has not been invited back to a group trip since I used to be the person and I probably still guilty of this and the same, like, tell me what you need. Tell me what to do. I'll do it. And, um,

I've learned from Jax to be a little bit more proactive because she's super proactive. So yeah, I was trying to be like cleaning up more and unloading the dishwasher more and oh, we don't have ice. Let's get some ice at the store. That kind of thing. Yeah, I was pretty proud of myself. Now,

I haven't taken a poll from the whole group. Maybe they feel differently. There's a WhatsApp group that you're not on called Processing Fortunes Behavior. That's right. But it was fun. But I am so glad to be home. Not anything to do with that. I just was not anticipating going on a trip. That was very last minute. And I was like in the mode of like,

Home from filming after five months. Back from Europe. Yeah. I have this amount of time between my next tour. I'm so pumped to be home. And I was like, oh,

away again yeah so but now i'm home i'm excited to get into a routine yeah i'm excited for you i'm excited for you being excited for me and we're excited for what what questions from our pretty little handsome listeners this is literally the perfect lead-in for this question oh great is it about spells

You'll see. I'll put a spell on you. Did you ever listen to that song? Did I ever? Batmiddler's version. Because you're mine. Is that the words? I don't know. Yeah.

Hi, Handsome Pod. This is Ryan and Tia, and we live in Nashville, Tennessee area. Hi. And our question for you is if you have any fun little parody songs that you like to sing around the house, either to other people that live in your house with you or to yourself. Oh, fun little parody songs. Parody songs.

Because I started doing musical comedy where I would change the lyrics to existing songs. And then I heard some interview with one of my favorite comedians being like, that's the lowest form of comedy. I was like, oh, no. So I used to have a ton of like, you know, tell me lies. Tell me sweet little lies. So I had feed me pies, feed me chicken, me pies. So stupid. Yeah.

And I had a song about Don Cheadle and having sex with Don Cheadle. Oh. A fantasy. And it was to the tune of, what's going on? I can't do it now. Don Cheadle, have sex with me. Like that. It was like, and so I wake... Okay, because I saw him filming a movie on the roof beside my apartment, basically. So then I wrote this fantasy about like...

Oh, I can't actually remember. So I'm waking in the morning and I look outside and Don Cheadle's on the roof. And he looks so high. And I scream at the top of my lungs. Don Cheadle right now. Pretty much. Yeah. And it got pretty graphic. And then somebody. And we're gonna blow on, blow.

Oh, yeah. Don Cheadle and me. That doesn't rhyme, but you know, it's a working song. Yeah, but the energy's there. It's horny as hell. And then somebody sent it to his agent, like someone who knew his agent personally. Oh, wait, you put this out, this song out? I did it live and filmed it, and I had a video of it, and then someone sent it. And then Don Cheadle actually responded to me, and he sent me a photo of him watching me sing it. And he's like...

making this face like, what the fuck?

And then we kind of used to tweet at each other back and forth. And then this was like 15 years ago or more. Yeah. And cut to last year. I'm backstage at a kind of event. Yeah. I look over. He's wearing a COVID mask, but I'm like, unmistakably, that's Cheadle. And I thought he's not going to remember. Like, I mean, I look totally different now, but I'm like, I have to say something. I love Don Cheadle. Yeah. And so I went up. And yeah. Right. He's so effortlessly cool. Yeah.

And he was with his wife and I go up and I go, Hey, I'm so sorry. You're not going to know who I am. And he goes, I know who you are. I'm like, Oh, I went, I just need to tell you, I'm not creepy and weird. And he was like, no, I got it. It was funny. And then I sat there, we chatted for ages. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Anyway, that's my story. I love it. Yeah, parody song. Well, you're singing nonstop. I'm singing all the time, but I don't know if it's a parody. The first thing that, you know, well, the classic, it's not a parody, but my friend's song from the groundlings, back door, butthole. I sing that more than- Do you actually like sing it to yourself? Oh, yeah. And I'll giggle. It's the same as a front hole.

but I won't put a baby in the oven. Um, is there a parody song? I don't know that I have an actual parody. No, you're just singing like beautiful covers of existing songs. What I do is I sing songs and I often am singing the wrong words. Right. And then does Jax correct you? No, because she knows none of the lyrics. Yes.

Oh, right. I at least know like 80% of the song. Right. Do you ever sing something when you want to...

a criticism or a feedback, but you don't want it to be too biting. So you're like, can you throw away your garbage? Like people do that passive aggressively, right? I'm sure they do. I haven't done that before, but I sing and don't even know that I'm singing. Yeah. I was singing with someone recently. This is a humble brag, but the, you know, the band, the chicks. Do I? I was singing

I got them to sing on karaoke their own song. Yes, amazing. They were hesitant. They're like, you don't want to hear that. I go, I 100% want to hear that. That's all anyone wants. And they're like, nah. I go, yes. So we went and sang from the first album, like the classics. Oh, man, that's cool. And I was like nervous because I was like, oh, God.

they're going to be looking at me singing to them their own song. What if I don't know all the lyrics? Oh, don't get me started. And I messed up a couple, but I was really, I was locked in as much as I could be. Natalie's looking at me and we're saying, there's your trouble. There's your trouble. Keep seeing double with the wrong one.

I like that. Classic country from the nineties. I need to get into their music more. I'm going to, I'm going to do a deep dive. Oh, they're amazing. Their latest album gas lighter. Cause they've, you know, gone far away from country for a long time now, but they still, Emily and Marty play those amazing instruments. So it always has like a hint of that because it has banjo and they have fiddle. Um,

But man, that album is really, really good. You got to listen to it. Okay, I will. But anyway, I didn't answer the question because I don't have a parody song, but I love to sing. I think the Butthole song counts. Thank you, friend. Should we hear what these friends said? Ryan and Nashville? We sure should. Awesome.

Our answer for this is handsome pod related and it's for our dog. And we like to sing scratching the head of a handsome dog, kissing the face of a handsome dog.

That's so good. I love that. You have to sing that to Biggie. Scratching the head of a handsome dog. Biggie, you want to hit, look, he's right here on the desk. Oh my God. Scratching the head of a handsome dog. You like that, Biggie? Scratching the head of a handsome dog. That's really good. Arf.

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Thanks for the question, Ryan. Yeah, let's keep them coming. Hi, Handsomes. Take 27. Pretty little lady here. My name is Jana. I am from May's hometown of Toronto. Fortune, I've been lucky enough to meet you in the past. Yes.

Tig, I don't want you to feel left out at all. Hopefully one day our paths will cross too, but love you guys all. I do have a question. Do you have any irrational fears? Something that has no bearing as to why you should or would be afraid of it,

it's completely irrational but you are afraid interesting oh hmm this isn't like a it's it's a fear in a different sense of the fear you're thinking of but i have something very irrational that gives me the willies yeah um and it's anytime i tell people about it they're like what i'm

And I'm like, I know it's so stupid. I've had this since I was a kid. I think it's mental at this point and it's not changing. But I cannot stand the feeling of... I'm scared and excited. Biting into a strawberry. Oh, I know. You said this. These tiny little seeds. Yes. Okay. I did know this about you. Like make me go...

If I see like a blender with like a bunch of blackberries or strawberries and the seeds are at the bottom, like I can't even look at it. I'm like, wow, get it away from me. That feels like past life shit. Because it makes no sense. No, it doesn't. It feels like you caught some illness from a raspberry seed. Yeah. And so I can't even like if I the thought of biting down.

down on those hard little seeds. Like I have a fear of that. Like I'm going to accidentally just like chomp on a bunch of seeds. I'm like, Oh God, I get that. So that's like a, yeah, like a visceral to my one. Like that is people touching my face. Like if, if I'm in love with you, touch my face, please. As much as you want, as much as you can. But like friends who like, or randoms who just put their hands on your face. I'm like, get your hands off.

off me i hate people touching my face even like in massages and stuff i say don't touch my face i say yeah i do the no face thing too no face and then also i don't like the smell of people blow drying their hair in the change room like i don't want to smell your both these things i don't want it unless i'm in love with you so i don't want to smell your hot head if i'm not in love with you you know what i mean yeah

But other than that, I fear deep water, which is rational, I think. That is rational for sure. Because I fear sharks, but that's also rational because they keep biting everyone lately. Yeah, I fear death. I fear dying alone. I fear all those things, but that's normal. Yeah, absolutely. So nothing irrational about that. Except I guess it is irrational that we, like it's way more dangerous just to cross the street.

But we're like sharks are really a threat. Well, I just stay out of their home. Yeah. You know what I mean? I stay on the beach and I look at their home. Really? What a beautiful home you have. And I don't go in it.

That's my thing because we are technically going into their home and going, oh, it bit me. Oh, it bit me. Yeah, that's true. And what if they had a little sign on their shark home that said bite first, ask questions later? That's right. Or it says bite me. Yeah. Can I quickly say, I don't know if this, I think it's a different Jana who left this question, but

There's a person in Toronto called Jana Watson. And basically one day I'm walking down the street. I hadn't been home in a long time, a couple of years walking down the street. I see who should step in front of me. Jana Watson. I go, oh my God, Jana Watson. It's so good to see you. I give her a hug. She's like a little standoffish. And I'm like, listen,

listen, I'm in town for a couple of weeks. It'd be great to see you. Let's get together. She walks away. As she walks away, I realized I've never met her. That's not her. No, it is her. It is her. I've just seen her in the Instagrams of my friends. She's not my friend.

I just know her so well from my other friends' Instagrams. And I'm like, oh, Jana Watson. Yeah, yeah. That is hilarious. And she was like, yeah, I guess we'll hang out. She was like, okay, nice to meet you for the first time. Yeah, yeah. I just love that you know everyone's first and last name. Got to. Ian Peach. Ian Peach. My irrational fear is downward escalators.

I'm fine with escalators going up, but escalators going down, I always hesitate taking that first step and I wait for the perfect step before I step on. I get that. Those are, some people get stuck on those. It's scary. Do you want me to give you a new irrational fear? Sure. Maybe it's rational after I tell you this. Apparently a lot more elevators than you realize aren't there when the door opens.

What do you mean? And you just step in and it's not there? Yes. Oh, my Lord. You're welcome. New irrational fear. Unlocked. I don't know the stats on it. I can't give you a May fact.

But I've heard, oh, I've heard a, you should always look when you press elevator button to make sure the elevator is there. Cause it does happen where it's just not there. People walk and that does happen. Now I don't think it's like this, this numbers are like crazy high. I just know it happens. Sure. So just look. Okay. But the, the thing that happens, I think more frequently than that, cause that's not as frequent, but it happens.

you know, when you put your arm in to stop the elevator. Yeah. And we all trust that the sensors are going to like stop the stat on that. You don't have the actual stat. Is that oftentimes the sensors, it doesn't stop. It doesn't work. So it just closes and then rips your arm. Yeah. So there are a bunch of people who've lost limbs. Oh,

Again, I don't know the stats. So is it one in 20, one in a thousand? I don't know. Guess how many people die every year from champagne corks? How many? 24. Whoa, that's... On average. And that's such a preventable death. And also, how are they dying? Is the cork just going right into the...

Right into their dome. Boom. Yeah, I don't really get it, but... Here's what you should do. Point it away from you or put a towel over it. But what if you point it away, it flies off, it hits the chandelier, chandelier falls, crushes you. New irrational fear unlocked. It flies off, it severs a string that's holding up an anvil that you had as a decorative anvil hovering over your bed. I also saw someone once...

You know the manual wine openers where you twist it and then you kind of jimmy the cork out? Yeah. Saw someone opening the wine, jimmying it out.

She had it under her face. She goes, boop, with the wine thing, chipped her whole front tooth. I mean, you'll live through that. It's just not pretty. It's not pretty. And she all of a sudden had like a Jim Carrey tooth. You know where he got that fake tooth? I think he really did that for real. Yeah, he has a chipped tooth. And he took the veneer off or whatever for Dumb and Dumber. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

So there you go. If you didn't have those fears before, you're welcome. You're welcome. You got a whole batch of new worries. Remember worry dolls? No. You put them under your pillow, little worry dolls. I feel like parents used to, instead of paying for therapy for their kids, they'd give them a little bag of worry dolls and you put them under your pillow and they soak up your worries. Never heard of that, but I like that. Yeah. Well, yeah.

Let us be your worry dolls. Tell us your problems and we'll make you worry more. Yeah. Thank you so much for sending them in. Keep sending them. You can go to speakpipe.com slash handsome pod if you want to submit a question to get one of us handsome folks to potentially answer it. You can also pick up some merch if you're in the mood at handsomepod.com. We got new stuff.

stuff. Autumnal. Autumnal. Yeah. Get that. Yeah. Go shirt and get that hoodie. I'm, I'm waiting on my hoodie so I can rock it. It's the, the weather finally changed here. Oh really? And it's feels like fall. Man. And I'm super into it. Like bright red leaves in Toronto. It's so nice. I love it. Well, this has been such a treat chatting with you, my friend. Always a treat.

a treat scratching the head of a handsome dog. Biggie's snoring. Awesome. Well, thank you guys so much for tuning in. We hope you have an awesome rest of your day and don't forget to check out all three of us next Tuesday on The Handsome Pod. And until then, keep it pretty.

Pretty Handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! That was a HeadGum Podcast.

There's no better time than today to save money on home insurance, whether you're a first-time buyer or a long-time owner. Allstate can save you cash, but they can also save you time because they make getting a quote quick and easy.

and easy. Check Allstate first and you could save $574 on your home insurance. No hassle, just savings. You're in good hands with Allstate. Not available in every state. Based on the national average annual savings for new home insurance customers surveyed in 2023 who switched to Allstate and reported savings. Savings vary.