Pretty Little Episode #12
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Pretty little episode.

Welcome to our pretty little episode. I am Fortune Feimster. And I am your friend, Tig Notaro. You are our friend, Tig. I am. I am. I was going to say I'm a friend to everyone, but I feel like there's a few people that probably doesn't. They're not on that list. Yeah, I'm probably not on their list, but I would say the majority. That's good. Yeah.

Yeah. How you doing, bud? I'm doing all right. I'm in Toronto. You are not. No. It's hot as balls here. Watch it! I'm telling you, I don't know a lot about balls. I've heard they're hot when they get, you know, stuck in the swampy areas. This is starting out terribly. Terribly. I cannot believe how much...

balls come up I know on this podcast I know I don't know how that happens but somehow it does yeah but yeah it's hot here is it nicer weather there is it chilly yeah it's uh it's definitely starting to get chilly I mean look

It's not as cold as it gets here in Toronto, but it's getting, like at night when I go to bed, I can feel that it's chilly. When you have your onesie on? No, I'm just in my ponties.

It gets really cold there. You're going to be there in the coldest of months. Yes, I am. You're going to blow away, Tig. I know. Blow away? Why would I blow away? Because it's cold? Yeah, it'll be cold and I assume there will be some wind involved at some point. It's so funny. When I was little, I was such a picky eater. Like, it was real bad. Jax, too. Yeah.

My mother used to say, if you don't eat, you're going to blow away to Windville. Have you ever heard of Windville? Have we talked about this on the podcast? Never heard of Windville, but it makes total sense to me. Well, I thought it was real. I thought it was a place. It was apparently where skinny kids lived. Yeah, I never blew there. I didn't blow there either. Yeah.

But I also, it didn't change anything for me. I just felt like,

whatever. I'll take my chances. You know, I'm not eating this hamburger. I'm going to have a piece of cheese and a pickle and I'll be on my way. A piece of cheese and a pickle. That was the meal. That was about what my palate. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't have Windmill, but mine was like, if you don't stop eating, you're going to fat camp. Did that come up?

I never went to fat camp, but I did get sent to a nutrition class when I was 12, 12 or 13. Was there a threat of fat camp didn't come up? No, because we couldn't have afforded fat camp anyway, whatever that was. But somehow I think through insurance we were and my mom knew a lady at church and

Of course. Who held nutrition classes. And did you go to one? It was like me and six 45-year-olds. That is hilarious.

Wait, you actually went? I went to like three classes. And insurance covered that? I think. Or the nice church lady gave us a deal. I bet that's what it was. Yeah, you know, one of those classes. Kind of like when, remember when Oprah lost a lot of weight and was like, she brought out that wheelbarrow or whatever. Yeah, wagging a lard. Look at all this fat. Yeah. It was kind of like, this is how much sugar is in all this stuff. And I was like, whoa.

That looks delicious. That sounds good. But then it didn't take then. But then like three years later, I went on a health kick and I lost like 50 pounds. And some of that did come back into my head of like, you know, that was when like counting fat grams was the big thing.

I don't know if you remember that era. Vaguely. I had a friend that was always switching diets, and she did like a cabbage soup diet, and then she was eating all like fat-free cookies. It was that era, fat-free cookie everything. Oh, okay. Yeah, snack wells and things like that. Yeah, yeah. I feel like we lived in Austin then, me and my friend. Yeah, she was just living off of these diets.

fat-free cookies and crack she was like this is incredible there's no fat none of it was good for you it was like there might not be fat but there's like all these other things chemical there's not you're not eating food you might as well just ingest the cardboard box that came in yeah but i could slam some snack wells cookies are they still around

Honestly, I don't know. Because, yeah, that was like a big fad. Everything was fat-free. How did that count? Like, you count fat that you eat? Like, points. It would be like this many fat. You can have this many fat grams in a day. So, clearly, no.

And, you know, none of it took too much. But I got healthier in high school. So that's all that matters. So some of the information stuck. But I don't know how. I lost a bunch of weight, but I don't know how healthy I was. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's always a journey. Everything is...

Everything is. It is, my friend. Well, maybe our friends have some questions on their journeys. Maybe. Maybe so. Yeah.

I do, before we get into it, I have to brag about something. Please. I got a text from Stephanie that Max and Finn won their first baseball game. Their team is the worst in the... In the league. In the league, yeah. But I don't know if I told you, but Finn was like, I think I need to join a different league. Today...

Finn not only hit a home run, but he hit it out of the baseball park. And no kid in that league in the history of time has hit a ball out of the baseball. Wow. That's incredible. That's not easy. No. And Stephanie sent me videos and like, yeah, the whole team just jumped on top of him. And Stephanie was like, I'm crying. Um,

I love that. That's so cool. It's so great. And then Max, I guess, stole every base and didn't get caught or, or I guess tagged out. He wasn't caught. He wasn't tagged out. So they had a pretty great, they had a double header. Amazing. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty cool. Look at them keeping it handsome. I know they really are. That's awesome. High fives to Max and Finn. Hi,

High fives. And yes, we can get into what our handsome and pretty little listeners are wanting to ask us. That's right. All right. This question comes from Belle. Belle of the ball. G'day, handsome from Sydney, New South Wales and Australia. I hope you're all doing well. Low key. Have a crush on me. Feel good.

That show, Awakening, excellent. Anyway, my question for you all is why does fortune always have to be the one that gets in trouble? Thank you. I feel like you need to be getting in trouble a bit. I feel like when I see or hear someone do something wrong in my head, I go, fortune! And I feel like there should be a TIG equivalent. No.

That's right. Anyway. Okay. What a letdown for Bell that May isn't even here to answer this or talk about it. It's just me and you. I was going to say, join the list. A lot of people think May's hot, which we totally give. It's a very handsome group here. Yeah. I mean, take your pick of handsomes. That's right. Always May. Bell, it's a thing we have to go through. Us and Jennifer Lopez. Yes.

We're very handsome. What is that? That was my Australian accent. I know, but why Jennifer Lopez? It's one of the few names I can say in an Australian accent. It's Jennifer Lopez. Okay. I was like, well, this must be a line in a movie. I don't understand what's happening. No, I can only say two words very well. Jennifer Lopez. Jennifer Lopez and razor blades. Okay.

I can't do that accent. It's hard. Not everyone can be a chameleon like me. I can only do Cajun. I don't know that I can do Cajun. Oh, you can't do Cajun, you. Yeah, buddy, you better learn how to do Cajun. I don't know. Cajuns are probably like, she can't do that. It kind of sounds like a Boston. No, it's not Boston. Is that Ben Affleck? Come here, you. Come here, you. Let me cut your hair, you. Yeah.

That is not Boston. I wonder if we have any Cajun listeners. We've got to. There's got to be. So I should get in trouble. Why am I getting in trouble? Well, because you are... I'm naughty. Yeah, but you're a good little girl. I'm a pretty little lady. You're a pretty little lady. You went to church. You made good grades. You know, you listen to your... Yeah, you follow rules. So when you talk about...

sweaty hot balls. I'm so deeply disappointed in you, Fortune. I think, I know. But it is fun to get you riled up sometimes. Although, many of the times Tig's doing it, it's for comedic effect. I would say every single time. I know.

There hasn't been one. The first time might have been a genuine fortune. What was it? Do you remember? I don't know. I probably said something dirty about hand jobs or something. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And that was your genuine reaction. And then everyone got a kick out of it. Mm-hmm. And so now it's for comedic effect. But now, and still, and maybe we've talked about it, some people...

don't get the joke and think that I am actually really upset with you, which is hilarious, which is hilarious. Uh, and we can't stop the ride for that.

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Yeah, because Jax read something a couple weeks ago and they were like, did something happen to the podcast? Somebody thought Tig was mad at you. I go, Tig's not mad at me. I go, I don't know what we were talking about, but I can assure you Tig wasn't mad at me. That I was mad at you personally? Yeah, that you sounded annoyed or something. I'm like, it was 100% a bit.

Here's the problem. I have a very dry delivery and sometimes I pretend to be upset. Like I was just at a pizza party and somebody was showing me or I was showing them something on my, oh, I was showing the home run that Finn made and the girl touched my phone and I was like, oh, oh no. And I pulled it away from her and said, I'm sorry, you can't.

Please don't touch my phone. And she did look at me for a second like, oh, I'm sorry. You know, that kind of thing. So whatever. Jackson was more like, what did you do to annoy Tig? Oh, did she really think? Yeah.

Really? I was like, I didn't do anything. I might have been naughty or dirty. Yeah, that's all that's ever happening. But do you feel like I should get in trouble, Fortune? Yeah, well, should I get in trouble? Well, that's the thing. There's not much that you could say that I think would shock me or me have that reaction. Now, May, on the other hand, has had some...

Shocking revelations being very sex positive, which is amazing, but sometimes I clutch my pearls. Yes. Yeah. And then I yell at you. And then I get in trouble. But that's all right. I think so crazy about being a comedian, especially for so long. Nothing...

I mean, I'll speak for myself. It's hard to offend me. Same. It's hard to hurt my feelings. Same. I've had people say, you know, like, hey, I've been meaning to talk to you about this, that time that, you know, I said this or that to you. And I'm like, first of all, who are you?

New number of who it is. Yeah, no, but like, I, it's just, it's really, I think it's such a different world because comedians sit around and, you know, tease and joke and say, tell weird stories and reveal everything. And so then somebody comes along and they're like,

you know, Hey, can you not use my whatever? And it's like, yeah, no problem. And then they apologize later for telling you not to use something. And it's like, and it was a big deal for them to speak up. But then you're just like, I have people saying horrible things all the time around me or to me. I don't know. I'm the same. I don't, I'm not easily offended. I don't get my feelings hurt. Easy. Yeah.

I'm pretty like I'm just used to. Yeah, you can be like talking with a bunch of comedians being vulnerable and then they're making fun of you five minutes later. Absolutely.

Part of the deal. Yeah. And we all do it to each other. Yes. And we all have different ways of doing it, different deliveries, all sorts of things. And that's what makes it fun and interesting. That's a song. That's a song that we're singing together in Windville. Well, I don't think we answered the question for Bell. No.

I think we did. Did we? Yeah. And here's the answer. The reason I don't get in trouble is because no one's actually getting in trouble. There you go. Fortune. See? Yeah. All right. Next question. Hi, handsome podcast. This is Gene from Peoria, Illinois. And the question I have for you three comedic geniuses is...

What joke have you heard from another comedian that has made its way into your daily lexicon? Like you bring it up to your significant other while you're walking around the house cleaning or have a joke with your friends about it or, you know, a family joke where you bring it up. Do you have a joke you love? Well,

I mean, I really love this concept. I don't know that it's like infiltrated my day-to-day life. I mean, there's so many little gems out there. I mean, you have one that I think I've told you. I just love the like, because she's my best friend. Yeah.

Aw, that ain't good. Yeah, when I heard that years ago, I was like, oh my God, that is so funny. I think that was that joke of yours that put you on a map in my brain. You know what I mean? When you are really aware of somebody. Oh, that's really cool. That's what got my attention. Yeah. And then the comedian Bill Hicks. I love this concept of...

I just think it's so smart and silly and great, but, uh, and true, but he talked about like, why is it that when people are on drugs that they only think they can fly when they're on top of a building, not when they're just like on the street. Yeah.

I just think that is so funny, like to picture somebody like flapping their arms, walking down the street and saying like, I can fly. Yeah, it feels very 70s or 60s for people to think they can fly when they're on drugs. Yeah, I haven't heard about anybody thinking they can fly anymore.

That was during the time when they were like warning us not to take, was it PCP? You remember? Yeah, uppers and downers. Like, don't take downers. Because they used to play that PSA when I was in school of the girl jumping through the window or something. Oh. Because she took PCP.

I don't even, what? Oh, is that the same as angel dust? Yeah, angel dust. Okay, okay. Because I remember growing up being like, do not do angel dust. Yeah, what was that? PCP, angel dust. You're going to think you can fly. And then they would show that PSA to us.

And we were like, oh my God, this is terrible. Yeah, I don't want to do that. I don't want to jump through a window. No, thank you. Yeah. What about you? I love stories, obviously, because that's what I lean into. Nate Bregazzi has many stories I love. But he has a whole bit about ordering coffee with cream in Starbucks. And they end up giving him coffee with whipped cream.

So he goes through this whole thing of like being an adult man. Like why would he order coffee with whipped cream? It's just, you have to listen to it. I can't do it justice. That bit and him, they might both be from his Tennessee kid special. I want to say that one. And he drove by a horse that he thought was dead. And he went through a whole scenario of what he and his friends would have to do to help pick up a dead horse.

Both are so funny. I'll have to check that out. But one joke that, and I couldn't quote a single other joke of his, but this one I saw at the comedy store and it made me laugh. Nate's of Theo Vaughn. Theo Vaughn did a joke once where he goes, so my cousin got bit by a gay. And then he has this long pause and he goes,

So we'll see. That's funny.

And it made me laugh. I was like, because, you know, when you hear Theo set something up, you're like, oh, God, what is he about to say? And it just went in this whole other direction that I was not expecting. And it made me laugh. So we'll see. So my cousin got bit by a gay. So we'll see. That's funny. Yeah.

What was that first thing that you said about Nate? The coffee with cream? Oh, yeah, yeah. When Stephanie and I were going to Mississippi for my father's memorial, it was like out in the middle of nowhere. And we stopped at some diner or something. I mean...

just a middle of nowhere Mississippi kind of place. And they sold coffee. And Stephanie was like, Oh, they sell, you know, coffee. Let's stop in there for coffee. And I was like, this is not going to be like, you know, like a fine roasted bean. No, no, this is not even going to be Starbucks. And so we go in and she ordered coffee.

It might have been a latte or something. Not only was it burnt, terrible, disgusting, but the woman behind the counter did say, you want some whipped cream on that? Stephanie was like, whipped cream? Yeah.

I'm like, yeah. She was so confused. And I was like, yeah, I don't think that this isn't a latte. Even if you ordered a latte, this is not a latte. Oh, I will say too, yeah.

Your Taylor Dane story, it comes on quite a bit on SiriusXM, on different comedy channels. And I have sat outside a gas station and just listened to the whole story. Oh, my God. That's a 13 or 14-minute story. Well, sometimes I'll just sit there and listen. Wow. Well, that's kind of you. Can I tell you what it started out as? What? 20 minutes. 20 minutes.

And I remember the first time I tried it out, I was at the Moore Theater. This is so many years ago. And I had not gotten it worked out. And it was still at the 20 minute length. And I essentially told a boring story that bombed for 20 minutes. Because it's...

So even at 14 minutes, if it's not going well, it's a struggle. Yeah. And I buckled in. You went in for it. I went in for it and I will never forget it. And I'm sure the audience won't either. My apologies if you were there for that. And look what it turned into though. Yeah. Well, it's your jeans answer. Yeah. The one we have is from a member of the handsome podcast and it is

Fortune, you hadn't swam. And my wife and I say that conservatively 10 times a week to each other at some point. Thanks a lot for your answer. Really love the show. Amazing. That was my story about for my sweet and salty special where I couldn't do the butterfly. So I ran across the pool swimming.

Well, you've made it into the hearts and minds. That's right. Of Gene and crew. Gene. And many others too, Fortune. I did forget about his part of it being part of your like daily life. I don't think I'm like yelling anyone's joke on a daily basis, but these are jokes I think of quite a bit. Same. I don't think I have...

anything from anybody's stand up that but that would be like if you're a dentist and you're like constantly talking about another dentist and their work you know i mean yeah kind of i think it's pretty much the same thing it's exactly the same

All right. Well, I think that's it for this pretty little episode. Yeah, this was fun chatting with you. And yeah, just make sure you submit your question to speakpipe.com slash handsome pod. Yeah, ask us a question. Yeah, ask us a question. We can't wait to hear from you. And until next time, huh? Keep it pretty handsome.

Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast! That was a HeadGum Podcast.