Pretty Little Episode #11
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Always a joy to hear it. Yes, it is. Welcome to our pre-hool episode. I'm

I'm Fortune Feimster. I'm Mae Martin. And here we are. Here we are. Mae and I are being pretty little lady and pretty little lady. Yeah. Here to answer your questions. Are you having a good day? You've been working, huh? Yeah, I've been working. And I had to say a speech. It's big drama. Like, hey, I got this stuff so you can escape. And then I had to go. I'll leave you my car.

If you can get... First of all, I don't know how to drive. That feels insane to say that. That is still wild to me. Right? Never driven a car except nine lessons. So I go, I'll leave you my car. And I think the line was like, if you can get yourself...

out of the building, then it goes straight up one mile past the pond. There's a dirt road. But it was just so many details and something snapped in my brain where I was like, I'd be like, if you can get yourself, well, and I panic. And that was it. Oh man, I couldn't get, yeah, the crew was getting frustrated. It was one of those long days where the crew was like, just get the line. Yeah, no one's giggling with me. How are you? What did you do today? Oh,

I'm just catching up on being gone forever. I'm answering emails. It's not very exciting. Scheduling things because my special will be coming out later on this year.

So I'm gearing up for that. I want them to project it on the side of the Empire State Building. Yeah, no complaints here. Why not? Yeah, right? I'm not revealing it until they put out whatever trailer at whatever point, but I have a pretty cool outfit that I'm excited about. Really? And I was inspired by our podcast. No way. Yeah. I wanted to...

-Keep it handsome. -Oh, boy. You're in the nude. I'm in the nude.

So people might be tuning out pretty quickly. Oh my God. It's really stressful choosing what outfits you're going to wear for things like that to be immortalized in. Very stressful because these clips will haunt me for many years to come if I don't like it. Yeah, you have to live with it. Right now I still feel pretty good about my choice. Yeah, great. It's definitely a bold one. I mean, I'm picturing crazy stuff. Yeah.

A bold one. I'm picturing like... I don't want to get it wrong. I'm picturing like a feathered kind of Liberace sequined silver pearl. Like an Elton John situation? Yes, yes. Maybe my next special. It's not quite that bold. Okay. But it's very colorful. So yeah, I'm just enjoying the chillness of working outside.

And being busy, but being at home, which is so nice. Snuggled up like a bug in a rug. Well, I'm a Cancer, so being at home is my happy place. What's that? I said don't say that about yourself, because it always seems crazy to say I'm a Cancer. It is a weird sign to have. Yeah, but Cancer, very emotional. And I don't think of you that way. I don't think of you as like erratic. Yeah, I'm definitely not erratic, but I will...

get emotional out of nowhere. Like when we were wrapping FUBAR, you know, it's a crazy action comedy series. It's not like an emotional journey. And we were in Prague and we like all put our arms around each other when they wrapped us and we like jumped up and down and had this cute moment. And then we walked into the green room area and Arnold had left and

And the four of us ended up putting our arms around each other again. And we were like looking at each other in the eye, very like,

and like vulnerably. And we just started saying like really nice things to each other. Oh man. Such a special experience. And I started crying. That's so nice. I did not expect that. So yeah, the emotional side is definitely in here. The rivers run deep. They do, man. You gotta let them flow sometimes. That's right. I like that. Yeah.

Are you going to cry right now? Do you think? I have once in a blue moon cried on a podcast out of nowhere. So you just never know. Oh my God. Well, I feel like we all cried maybe during the episode where your mom asked a question. I feel like we all thought. Yeah, that was pretty sweet. That was pretty sweet. I might have had like a little, sometimes I just get misty. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gosh, won't it be exciting when I go full-blown emotional? It's going to be so exciting. Have you ever had to cry on camera and you just can't squeeze one out? Oh, yeah. I'm not going to lie. I do use the...

what's it called? Tear stick. Yeah. Yeah. Like the mental. Give it to me. I'm not Meryl Streep. I know. And I, I'm just too embarrassed to do it in front of other actors. So I, and then sometimes I go to the makeup person, I go, can I get a little tear stick? And then they make sense. Then they go, they're so loud. They go, Oh, you want tear stick? I'm like, shh, please. And then I don't want anyone to know that this is induced by an icy hot type substance under my eye. I,

I know, I know. When I was making Feel Good, I told my mom I ordered a tear stick on Amazon to practice and my mom was like, Tom Cruise never uses tear stick. I was like, first of all, how do you know that? Second of all, why him? Yeah, we don't know that. Yeah. I think there's nothing wrong with it. Whatever it takes to get where we need to go. Especially if you're doing it like 15 times in a row over a bunch of hours. I know. I will say I...

In my last scene of the Mindy Project with my on-screen brother, played by Garrett Dillachant, I started sobbing and they didn't use any of it. Oh my God. They were like, that's too much. This is still a sitcom. Oh my God. And I needed nothing. I was just...

sad for the experience to be ending and I love Garrett he's so lovely and I just sobbing I'm obsessed with that didn't use any of it and meanwhile you were like bring me my Emmy that's really funny oh gosh a scene that's not that emotional and you're like she's crying about something else obviously that's why I'm a cancer yeah that's why you're a cancer and a dancer

A cancer and a dancer. Yeah. Well, I'm excited to dig into some questions with you today. Me too. It's always such a mixed bag. We never know what we're going to get. I know. And I'd like to hear what people are thinking about and what they specifically think we should weigh in on. Yes. Should we hear our first question? Yeah. Hey, handsomes. This is Nadine from Nashville.

Assuming that we happened upon post-apocalyptic times, what would your job be to help your community, to partake, to participate, to give back, to be useful? Would you do the cooking? Would you garden? Are you a builder? Can you work on any mechanical things? And even if you can't do any of those things, what is something that you think would be interesting?

As she was listing those things, I was like, I don't think we can do any of those things. I was like, can't do that. Can't do that. Can't do that. Can't do that. Well, it made me wonder if you are handy. Me, personally? Because I know I'm not. So are you? I am.

I sort of in that like vaguely like ADHD way, if I fixate on a task and I have the instructions, I can enjoy it and do it. But no, I'm not like instinctively handy at all. Like I need YouTube, I need instructions. No, not handy at all. Can't do anything, can't cook, can't drive. So I feel like we're both... Yeah, you're going to have to like hitchhike your way out of this. I know. And then the worst part is I'm also...

And maybe we both share this. I think we're like covert leaders. Like I have opinions. Like I have strong opinions and I want to control things, but I actually, I won't have many practical skills to offer, but I'm going to be like, yes. We can be the cult leader who's not doing the work. Exactly. Or telling everybody what they need to do. Yeah, I'm good at...

being like, I'm chill for a while and then I see what needs to be done. I'm like, oh wait, guys, we actually need to be doing this. Yes, you're a big picture thinker. Yeah. When I do escape rooms and stuff, often I'm like, okay, you guys focus on this area, then you're going to do this. And then I realize I haven't found a single clue. But you're the leader. Yeah. You're bringing out other people's skills to help save all of us.

And you do kind of need someone to step into that role. But then it all, would you go down with the ship if you were a captain on a sinking ship? I mean, why are you even considering it? No way. Yeah. I mean, I gotta, I gotta jump out of the boat. What are we doing here? Yeah. Get out of there. Get out of there. I mean, the question, is it from Nadine, right? Nadine? Nadine in Nashville. It makes me think of my actual home state right now. I know we said like apocalyptic as if, you know,

let's pretend, but it feels very apocalyptic in the Western part of my home state of North Carolina that got hit by the hurricane. Um, it just decimated so many of those areas and it made me think like, what if I were there, what would I be doing to help? And I think you're right. Even there, I think I would just be using my voice and platform to help

Yeah. I know you need this and you need this and this person has this and that person has this, but I wouldn't be able to get the chainsaw and get the trees out of the road. And rescue the dog from the tree. It feels helpless in this position. So I've just been posting about...

where to donate money and how to help people on the ground that are helping the people there get through this. But I know they're going to be going through it for a while. I think that's very valuable, though, because I think it can be overwhelming not knowing where to donate or what resources or like being paranoid the money won't get there. So I think having someone direct you to where to donate is... I had so many people be like, thank you for... Because I was asking my friends, who's on the ground? Who's actually doing things?

you know, cause you don't, sometimes you, when you donate money, you're like, does that go to where it needs to go? I don't know. And they were like, these are the places. So, uh, so many people text me and wrote me like, Oh my God, thank you. I didn't know where to send money. And this is so helpful. So even if it helped a teensy bit, if,

If me not having any skills other than directing people, that's something. So that's my contribution. It is crazy. Like you're saying all these sort of hypothetical apocalypse conversations feel very pressing right now. Like,

The world's on fire. Yeah. After the pandemic, I was like, oh, anything can happen. Well, you know, not to get onto my driver Joe again, and I don't want to open up that can of worms. You got rid of the curse. What are we doing here? We're bringing it back. Well, I want to save...

part of it for the proper episode but I do want to say Joe's back on the job right he's back okay so he's back on the job out of nowhere I go out of my house it's five in the morning it's still dark outside I think my other driver's gonna pick me up and there's Joe he's back he's arrived and thrilled to see him lots to discuss about the bear portal and stuff he's really freaked out by how intense I am about this and

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not available in every state, based on the national average annual savings for new home insurance customers surveyed in 2023 who switched to Allstate and reported savings. Savings vary. You definitely took it a lot further

More seriously than I think he ever would have anticipated. 100%, yeah. And today, just really casually, he goes, do you hear they found a spaceship the size of a city? It's approaching Earth. I go, no. What, Joe? Tell Joe not to be opening these portals with you. Yeah.

He said, I swear to God, they found a space. The James Webb telescope saw a spaceship the size of a city that's approaching Earth. To be honest, I didn't even Google it because I thought, well, OK. Yeah. Just take Joe for his word. Yeah. Let's hear what Nadine said. Yeah. My answer is about a year ago, I got into blacksmithing. Took a couple of beginning classes from a local farmer. And it's been really neat so far.

I certainly have a lot more to learn, but it's something that interests me and I'm not terrible at. Wow. Come on. That's a cool skill. Very cool. And so I'm imagining also, like, let's say there's zombies. So everybody's, there's like 20 people holed up in a farmhouse somewhere. Yeah. People, you're going to be needing to melt down what you got.

Sure, sure. Smith it into something else. This is how bad we are at survival. We're going to have to melt that and smith it down, right? We got to smith that down. Turn one metal into a new metal, Nadine. Well, now that we're entering into some apocalyptic times, I think all of us are going to have to learn these kind of what seems like antiquated skills.

Oh, man. We need to bring him back. So Nadine's ahead of the curve. Dude, basic stuff. I got to learn like driving and pushing and stuff. We usually need to learn to drive for now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And grow some veg and things like that. But also there was this Arctic explorer who he was stranded in the ice up in the

in Antarctica or wherever the fuck and he got appendicitis and he was going to die. He had to operate on himself and remove his own appendix and he did it and he survived. See, I would just be dead. I would be dead. Of course we would. We'd be dead, Mae. Yeah.

Two seconds. This is why I don't go on adventures. Right. As the band said, the female pop group, one of the greatest of all time, TLC. Yeah. Don't go chasing waterfalls.

Stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to. These are words I live by, my friend. Really? You're like, I have my world. I don't go chasing waterfalls. So you don't want to go chase a waterfall with me? No, literally or figuratively. Okay.

Well, thank you, Nadine, for that awesome question. Let's see who else has something for us. Hey, handsome icons. It's Owen from Boston. I work at a summer camp, and my question for you is one that one of my campers asked me. Would you rather be an apple or a band-aid? So excited to hear your answers. Love the pod. That's amazing.

A camp counselor? If he was my camp counselor, my childhood would have been a lot happier. You had a lot of camp counselors. I did, and I yearned for them. But if Owen was my camp counselor, I feel like we would have had a blast. Okay, Apple or Band-Aid fortune? It's the age-old question. Oh, boy. I think I would want to be a Band-Aid. Really? Because the Band-Aid would last longer...

And would stay on and help when needed. Yeah. At some point I would be thrown away.

But I'd be there for at least a couple of days, whereas an apple would provide nourishment for like just a little short time and then that's it. Yeah. I mean, if you're going by like longevity, then the other plastic will take a while to degrade and break down in a landfill. Like if you want to just be here as long as possible. I like the helpfulness of it. I don't know. It's grossing me out, the flesh tone and the kind of like,

the different components the idea of being on a wound is not good but if you could make sure you were nelly's band-aid remember nelly had a little band-aid oh yeah on the on his face like an aesthetic choice band-aid that could be good yeah but i think i'm going to apple because you ever carve a face in one and then you let it shrivel and it turns into old man i don't think i've ever done that

Is that a Canadian thing, Thomas? You carve a face into the apple and then you leave it out and it shrivels and it looks like a little Yoda. I definitely did that when I was a kid. Hey. Okay, maybe you Canadians were just carving your fruits over there. I guess so, with our bags of milk and...

Should we hear what Owen has to say? Let's do it. My answer is that I would rather be a band-aid. You get to chill with all your favorite family and friends in this close-knit nightclub box thing. And then you get to live your life being of use, helping someone with their boo-boo, and...

Then no one is happy to see you go when you finally do pass. I would love to be a bandaid. I love the idea that band-aids are in a nightclub box with all their loved ones. Just

Just waiting. Pick me, pick me. Yeah. Now every time I close any box, I'm going to imagine a nightclub happens inside. I wonder what kind of camp it is, if it's like a quintessential summer camp. I like that kids are still coming up with thumb would you rathers. The practical part of me is like, I don't want to be either. That's the TIG answer. The TIG answer is, why do I have to be either?

Yeah. If Tig were here, who cares? Why would I be an apple or a bandaid? Let's get one more question. Hi, May, Fortune, and Tig, my faves. This is Jules, and this isn't so much a question as it is

an answer to one of your questions that you had a few podcasts ago when you were talking about playing live music and you wondered what you should name your band and didn't really come up with a name besides the handsome band. I think you guys should call your band bandsome. Oh my God. I'm pausing for applause. All right. Well, I love you guys.

oh my god Bansome I didn't even that didn't even occur to me Jules also classic us that it's like you didn't really come up with an answer there but uh if I had a nickel what do you think the handsome band's pretty good because it just gets right to the point yeah but to me the handsome band is like we're playing banjos we're like ding ding ding ding ding bansome could be

It could be like... Bansome's kind of in the realm of like boy genius. Oh, okay. I was thinking more like death metal. Oh, death metal. Yeah, boy genius. The three of us are going to play death metal? Yeah. Scream rock. Now, you're on guitar, right? Yeah. And vocals. Yeah, Tig's on drums. And you're on vocals. I'm on vocals and like triangle? Yep. And Thomas is...

or keys? Keyboard? Do you play key? Thomas, learn to play piano, please. Yeah, put it on the list. Thomas, put that on the list for yourself. And Alanis Morissette is backup vocals. Okay.

And now you're finally singing with Alanis. Exactly. See, all your dreams have come true, Mae. I can imagine the word Bantam written on a drum, the way they write it on the drum like that. Yeah. I'm already thinking about the merch possibilities. It does sort of remind me of the band Hanson a little bit.

Of course. So we just have to make sure we enunciate when we say our band's name. We're not going to get away from that comparison anyway, though, because we're three gorgeous blonde brothers. Yeah, we are. And we do have a hit song called Oom Bop. Exactly. It's a losing battle. But instead of Oom Bop, Oom, Oom, Oom, Oom Bop, we're like, Oom Bop.

Oh, we slightly altered that. Yeah, yeah. It might not hold up in court, but... It's becoming a little scat jazzy. Yeah, because although I know you want to go into death metal rock, I feel like we're going to end up folksy. I think so too. Well, I...

We might, I mean, you know that song Raise a Little Hell? No. Raise a little hell, raise a, I mean, that's Canadian too. Or like Journey. I could see us being like. I love Journey. I know. Yeah, like a big kind of. I love a power ballad. Yeah, that's what I want. Okay. With a story. Let's do it. Yeah. Our story is we started as a podcast and now we're a band. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. What a journey we've taken. Yeah.

Well, Jules, I appreciate this feedback because you might have opened a whole new world for us, which is another one of our hit songs. A whole new world? Yeah.

And thank you very much for putting the band back on the radar here. We got to get cracking with that. We have let it slide and now it's back up to the top of the list. Yeah, exactly. Well, thank you everybody who sent in your questions. Please keep sending them in. We are loving them. You can submit your questions to speakpipe.com slash handsome. That's right. You could hear yourself on a pretty little episode.

asking the Bansams a question. And nothing weird, because Thomas is going to listen to them first and screen them. Yeah. So if you're being weird, Thomas is the one who's going to hear it. Unless he's feeling cheeky.

and then we will also hear it. That's true. Well, May, it's been a pleasure. It's always a pleasure. Chatting with you, chatting with my friend. Chatting with my friend on a pretty little app. Thank you guys for tuning in to this week's episode. Don't forget to check out our handsome full episode next Tuesday. Tell your friends, get some merch, and yeah, you guys are the best. Well, all that remains, my friend, keep it... Keep it...

Pretty Handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Ouellette. Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod. What a podcast! That was a HeadGum Podcast.

Home insurance can feel really complicated, but here's the simple part. You want the best insurance at the best price available. Allstate knows that. They make it easy to sign up for a new policy or switch from an existing one. If you own a home, Allstate can help. Check Allstate first and you could save $574 on your home insurance. No hassle, just savings. You're in good hands with Allstate.

Not available in every state. Based on the national average annual savings for new home insurance customers surveyed in 2023 who switched to Allstate and reported savings. Savings vary.